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#also this is a joke so don't take it too seriously
The Brothers as customers in a grocery store
Just spent eight hours in a grocery store, so here’s the brothers as customers I’ve encountered during my past two years as a cashier! >:D
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Lucifer
This man buys an insane amount of groceries and he comes in every day/every other day.
You will be scanning his items for like ten minutes.
He knows all of the cashiers and they all know him as well. He has a favourite and will specifically go to that person if they’re working.
He’s very polite, but also kind of impatient. He’ll say “Can I get the receipt?” before you can ask him.
He also won’t say anything if you make a mistake or something goes wrong, but he will be tapping his fingers against the counter the entire time he has to wait.
Pays with the physical card each and every time this man does not do cash or Apple Pay.
Mammon
He knows all of the discounts and if an item gets scanned to the wrong price he will ask you to correct it, even if it’s like two dollars.
He’ll also joke if he can get an extra discount and make it awkward because you both know you can’t give him one. >:((
“Oh, I spent that much? Haha, inflation is really hittin’ hard these days, huh?”
“Ya sure I can’t get a discount or somethin?”
Always says yes to the receipt and stands really close while checking if it’s correct.
If your store has an app or something he has it and he knows all the secret discounts.
Leviathan
He’s in n’ out in five minutes
Only ever buys the necessities, so he doesn’t have to be in the store for too long.
He wears headphones and doesn’t reply when you say hello. Also doesn’t make eye contact with you the entire time.
Doesn’t bother to bag his groceries, he just grabs them all and runs out of the store before you can even ask if he’d like the receipt.
Satan
Satan’s a pretty normal customer I’d say
The only thing weird is that he buys, like, a lot of cat food.
You and your coworkers refer to him as “the cat guy”.
You’ll often try to guess what he needs all of that cat food for.
Is he a cat sitter? Does he have 12 cats? Does he feed the strays? Does he eat it himself?
On second thought he’s not that normal, but he’s always very polite.
Asmodeus
I imagine he buys the most fruity ass liquor ever.
It’ll be called “tutti frutti sugar shock” and it’ll be like 40% alcohol.
He jokes about having to show ID.
On the other hand, if you ask him for ID before he can make a joke, he’ll be very flattered.
He'll put his hair behind his ear and start flirting with you. (Because he 100% thinks that you asking for ID means that you are initiating the flirt.)
He once bought a banana, a pack of condoms and a pack of butter just to see the cashiers reaction.
When the cashier didn't react he got very disappointed and didn't come back for 2 weeks.
Beelzebub
Beel's the perfect fucking customer and you cannot change my mind.
He's always super polite and nice.
He buys obscene amounts of protein powder, protein drinks, protein bars etc.
You seriously wonder why he's buying a new tub of protein powder once a week. How much does he drink a day? Does he mix it 50/50 and eat it like pudding?
He'll also make you scan an open chip bag because he got hungry while shopping and needed a snack.
If something goes wrong or you make a mistake, he'll be super nice about it.
"Don't worry about me," "Take your time," "I'm not in a hurry," etc. etc.
He will be munching on those chips the whole time he's waiting, though.
He'll even put other customers in their place if he sees someone berating a worker. (Big twin-brother instinct)
Belphegor
Will buy like thirty energy drinks at the same time if they're on sale
Slow as fuck when bagging groceries, he does not care.
He always asks workers where stuff is because he cannot be bothered to go look for it.
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preet-01 · 17 hours
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M sounds like such a maxiel prompt. Up to you what shenanigans Daniel asks Max to do. Or maybe he could be asking him to come live on his farm with him in the off-season?
M — "I need to ask something of you." "Always. Anything." "Don't say that before you hear what it is. Seriously."
This was such a maxiel prompt but it took me so long to decide on just one way it could go
Somewhere in the club, Martin was giving one of the best shows of his life, all to celebrate Maxy's fourth consecutive championship win, but Daniel couldn't care a single bit about Martin's music. All he wanted to do was find Max.
"Maxy!" Daniel cheers when he does finally find the Dutchman ensconced in between Charles, Lando, and surprisingly George.
"Daniel!" Max greets, always so happy to see Daniel, and god does that do wonders for his ego. It’s always nice to know that someone other than your parents is delighted by your presence.
"Boys, I need to steal the world champ away," Daniel tells the others. He doesn't wait for a response, just drags Max away from them. Max for his part, comes along happily and giggling.
"Where are you taking me?" Max questions.
"I need to ask something of you," Daniel tells him when they're in some quiet corner of the club away from everyone.
"Always. Anything," Max replies without hesitation. If he's honest, then Max's answer is terrifying. It gives him too much power, too much control, something that he doesn't want to have over anyone, especially not Max. Especially not when it concerns what he's been dying to ask Max all year long now.
"Don't say that before you hear what it is, seriously," Daniel states, his mind wandering back to how Max had always listened and never denied him anything. Even in the middle of the night, Max would answer his texts and calls with a slightly concerning promptness that not even his mother had.
Daniel has spent months trying to figure out how to finally express his feelings to Max after years of pulling away when they got too close. He’d spent months thinking of the best way to tell Max that he’d been an idiot for years now and wanted, no needed to be Max’s in every sense of the world. He’d planned out his every word just to make sure he wouldn’t make a mess out of it like he had so many times in the past.
But instead he says, “tattoo me. Mark me as yours and yours only.” Which is far from what he had planned to say, but still the general idea.
“Are you serious?” Max is all wide eyes and parted lips as he stares at Daniel in that mesmerizing way of his where Daniel just drowns in Max’s Maldives sea colored eyes.
“As a heart attack,” Daniel answers
Max doesn’t tattoo him that night or for many nights to come, instead he marks Daniel in other, less permanent ways. It makes Daniel curse himself for being scared of having this for so long, but also so glad that they’d begun this part of their relationship when both of them were mature and wiser. He would have hated to lose Max after experiencing him so intimately.
He’d never been one to get hard when someone tattooed him, pain didn’t connect to pleasure in his mind. Pain was pain and it was not very fun. But Max with his brows furrowed and attention solely focused on Daniel’s upper thigh as he pressed the tattoo gun onto Daniel’s skin definitely did things to Daniel.
High on Daniel’s thigh, where no one except Max will see, there’s a tattooed heart with M + D in it. Just like they’d joked about well over a year ago.
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scribbledghost · 1 day
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im feel so embarassed and shy to ask this, but do fem!simon and reader do tribbing/scissoring🥺🥺based on your last post
No need to feel shy or embarrassed here, anon!! I'm more than happy to answer stuff like this. (Still gauging interest in a potential smut alphabet for fem simon, I'm seeing a bit but still unsure. Im also open to doing a sfw alphabet for her too if people want.)
As for tribbing, it kind of depends. The traditional scissoring position may be difficult for her to really get into, simply because it can be more of a challenge if you've got thick thighs like she does. (Seriously, the woman's thighs are pure muscle. They're huge).
I think she'd go for more of a missionary-style tribbing than the classic scissoring position because of that. Plus, with the missionary position, it lets her be closer to you, and lets her kiss you more easily.
It can take some maneuvering to get right. Sometimes you'll give it a valiant effort, but it just isn't working. Sometimes limbs cramp up or she'll try to kiss you but find out you're too far away. Just like any sex act, there's room for error. Simon knows that - and she's definitely the type to crack jokes when things don't go right just to lighten the mood.
There's gonna have to be some back and forth communication. Are things not lining up quite right? Tell her! Does it feel good but just not quite enough to get you to come? Let her know! She's good at adjusting on the fly. She'll figure out what needs to be done or what needs to change in order to make sure you don't leave her bed unsatisfied.
Long story short, scissoring is kind of difficult for her, but she'll absolutely do it if you ask. Tribbing in more of a missionary position (or any other position that allows her to get closer to you/kiss you) is more her speed.
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blubushie · 1 day
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i'm kinda curious now... what are some of the worst/most ooc takes on the tf2 characters that you've seen 👀👀
I covered this before kinda with my "what does Blu hate about TF2 fanon."
For Sniper. For the rest of the mercs.
To sum it up:
Fandom constantly calling Sniper a Kiwi despite him only being born in Aotearoa and his entire character arc in the comics being "the people who birthed me aren't my real family, the parents who kept and raised me are". The fandom is so fucking weird about immigrants and adoptees. Also people who headcanon him as Aboriginal: I hate you because none of you can even fucking research shit to get it right. If you're Aboriginal and do that you're cool though. Namarnedjare ngudman <3
Twinkified Sniper. He's a sniper and uses a bow, he's going to have strong arms and stronger shoulders, and the comics depict him as lean.
Saying Sniper would smell. None of the fandom understands how important a lack of scent is during hunting, and Sniper is a hunter. Similarly, people headcanoning him as smoking cannabis for this reason. He does shrooms. If he's indulging in some THC that man is eating edibles so the smell doesn't stick to his clothes and skin and hair when he has to hunt.
Sniper being shy. The fandom doesn't understand how dog-eat-dog underground work is. This man would not survive long enough to become a world-renowned assassin if he was shy; also being shy would go completely against his professionalism mantra. He'd do whatever was necessary to get his kill.
Sniper being bothered by the cold. No one in the fandom understands how cold the outback gets during winter. He'd be absolutely fine. Additionally bushmen have to be highly adaptable to survive.
People making Medic evil despite canon pointing to him caring deeply for his team. At most he's chaotic neutral, and his only moment of "manipulation" is when he tricks the literal Devil, which I'm wagering is more than acceptable considering it's literally the Devil. Medic is not your sadistic manipulative monster archetype.
"Demo is abusive/lazy because he's an alcoholic" while ignoring him holding down 3 jobs while being an alcoholic, while ignoring him caring for his mum while being an alcoholic. Just say you hate addicts and go.
Intersex NB Pyro. I've been over it before. As an intersex man, I hate this fucking headcanon so goddamn much.
Infantilising Pyro despite Pyro literally being the CEO of a construction company and bringing in record profits for that quarter. And also being a mercenary PYRO LITERALLY KILLS PEOPLE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM.
People ignoring Medic's likely bisexuality in favour of promoting him as a gay man. I don't mean people saying that Medic was never married to start with and that Demo was talking out his arse, I mean people saying Medic's wife was his beard. The bi erasure is real. People treat bisexuality as a "less pure" variant of gay.
Bigoted Engie.
Communist Heavy (his father was literally murdered by the USSR and his family thrown into a gulag in Siberia because he was a counter-revolutionary).
Evil/arsehole Spy. Also people who take Spy too seriously. This bloke cracks "your mum" jokes and snorts when he laughs. Come on. Spy might take himself seriously but that man is not as serious as he thinks he is.
Bigoted Soldier.
People using the time period as an excuse to be a bigot so they can scream about how bad it is to be a bigot. You're still promoting bigotry. This wouldn't be an issue if racism wasn't a centre/scene in practically every fucking Demo fic. I'm kinda tired of seeing marginalised people be brutalised by a fandom so the fandom can virtue-signal about how bad it is to brutalise marginalised people. Can the characters please have some happiness? Or at least some angst that isn't a constant slew of queerphobia/racism/etc?
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tawaifeddiediaz · 2 years
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HE’S A 10 BUT... + eddie diaz (pt 1)
(911 + he’s a 10 but...)
[Image ID: five large rectangular gifs of Eddie Diaz from multiple episodes of 9-1-1. Each gif is overlaid with text in the meme format, "He's a 10, but...". "He's a 10 but..." is in white text, with the meme below in bold orange-and-pink text. Underneath is a byline in parentheses, written in white capital letters.:
GIF 1: Eddie bending over the pizza box to grab two slices at once in 2.17. He turns to walk away before he's called back by Captain Chimney. The text reads, "He's a 10 but...he eats pizza like a caveman (two slices at once = war crime)."
GIF 2: Eddie telling Buck and Christopher that he only mentioned the coffee maker to Buck and Hildy in 4.03. He pauses, looking slightly contrite as he lowers his voice when he says Hildy. The text reads, "He's a 10 but...he's terrified of artificial intelligence (and still owns a whole Apple store)."
GIF 3: Eddie seated on the truck in 5.09 waiting for Ravi to bring back coffee. He shrugs and defends himself watching telenovelas by saying that's how he and Chris practice their Spanish. The shot cuts to Buck grinning widely, knowingly as he says, "uh-huh" as if he knows better. The text reads, "He's a 10 but...he watches telenovelas on the regular (to soak up that drama)."
GIF 4: Eddie spitting out Abby's name in disgust as he tells Bobby why Buck's risking so much to save Sam in 3.18. His expression is tight with annoyance and a hint of fear over Buck's lack of self-preservation. The gif transitions to Eddie watching Taylor knowingly, a little haughtily in 5.11, where she's picking at her food. The text reads, "He's a 10 but...he's petty about his bestie's girlfriends (always unsubtly)."
GIF 5: Eddie typing away at his keyboard to tweet out traffic updates in 5.11. The shot transitions to his screen, before it goes back to him again as he flexes his fingers and taps resoundingly on his keyboard. The text reads, "He's a 10 but...he has a million followers on Twitter (he's LAFD Metro Man).”
/end ID]
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flowergrenades · 10 months
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#💖💜💙??????
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adobe-outdesign · 1 year
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you’ve heard of “Yellow Guy is Lesley’s son” and “the series is the afterlife described by the Lamp” now get ready for my totally serious theory, which is that Duck is:
Not a Duck
Not A Bird Either
Evidence:
No one in DHMIS can properly ID a bird (”a little baby pigeon”, “Warren the Eagle”, “oh. it’s a rat”, etc etc.)
We’ve never seen another sapient bird puppet in the series to compare him with; closest thing we see are the photos in the car in ep. 5 that he himself put up
Don’t know what his parents look like, and he doesn’t seem to know them if the family episode is anything to go by
Can’t fly and has fingers, complete with fingernails, instead of wings
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Eats chicken despite that being a kind of bird
Has been shown having human teeth at least three times (during the rotting scene in DHMIS 2 as well as the spoon reflection and disembowelment in DHMIS 5)
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Has rabies despite the fact that birds can’t get rabies
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If concept art is to be believed he also can’t swim despite supposedly being a duck
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Describes himself as a “crow-like thing”, meaning that he’s not necessarily a bird, just bird-like
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Conclusion: Duck’s not a bird, and is instead a creature(TM) that happens to look like a bird and doesn’t know better because literally no one in DHMIS knows What A Bird Is. thanks for coming to my TED talk
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mini-oddity · 1 year
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When people are like: “Imogen and Laudna need to kiss already.” or “Can they just share their feelings with each other?”
Y’all, we got a depressed anxiety filled cowgirl and a repressed trauma un-dead lady. Now mix those two in a wlw romance and the fact that they have managed to even hold hands at this point is an astounding feat in itself lol.
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duvewing · 1 month
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ftm-megamind · 5 months
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me and my boyfriend are sooo javid (he invited me over for a family dinner)
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royalarchivist · 1 year
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There’s not a lot of Karmaland enjoyers on Tumblr, but I need everyone to see this clip of Quackity, Rubius, and Luzu in therapy anyways because I’ve never heard Quackity laugh this hard
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mythicalheartbeat · 11 months
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I imagine that if Renfield ever gets caught for his Crimes, it's not the trial of bodies or Amy evidence left behind. It's the fact that he resolutely refuses to use a fake name anywhere he goes and it just takes one person going "hey wait a minute" and that's that.
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caliburn-the-sword · 7 months
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listen i LOVE killian and this would never be possible because of the utmost respect he holds both towards emma and henry. but how fucking funny would it be if whenever henry did annoying shit killian just hits him with "i'll fuck your mum"
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accursedthing · 3 months
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Tbh I kind of hate those "NOT the same person. ARE the same person" Kingdom Hearts memes, not cause there's no humor to them but because most of the explanations for these things aren't actually that difficult, it's just possession or clones or spiritual connections most of the time, which are pretty common in fantasy stories (some of them like the Nobodies are kind of a can of worms but also not hard to understand in context and ANY fantasy story with multiple installments is going to have stuff like that), and yet people who aren't familiar with the series use these images all the time to support the running idea that Kingdom Hearts is like. Impossible to follow and makes no sense. Which I, of course, don't like because at its core it's just people calling a thing I like stupid. And I WILL take it too seriously because I have the kind of autism that makes you deranged about Kingdom Hearts
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hoffmanstits-enjoyer · 6 months
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my brother in christ, you need to stop hating what people are posting about mark hoffman and start posting all the deep character analysis your heart desires or something because being pissy at the fandom won't achieve shit, i'm being sincere
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superloves4 · 9 months
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Okay, so, I was thinking about Elwë/Finwë/Miriël, and my brain decided to take me to terrible elf biology, so I'm now inflicting it on everyone else:
What if? elves could have more than one 'father' (father here meaning solely as not the one providing the womb) because elven birth is tied to fëar?? But because elves are typically (and in Valinor, strictly) monogamous, and, going back to Elwë/Finwë/Miriël, because Fëanor is so similar to Finwë (perhaps because Elwë and Miriël wanted so? huh?), nobody knows!
I can see two possibilities here:
One, the Valar know that there is something dangerous in elves having more than one partner, they just don't know. what. it. is. so they just decide to forbid non-monogamy as a whole, but without anyone knowing Miriël is already pregnant by the time they arrive in Valinor so when they find out they assume is just Finwë's, but holding three fëars was the danger and it ends up consuming Miriel and the rest is history
Or:
Alternatively, maybe it's not really a danger (and the ban non-monogamy has nothing to do with this), but because Elwë stays behind while the Noldor continue, and a baby's fëar is nursed by the parents, that means Miriel has to pour more of herself into caring for Fëanor and thus ends up dying
...honestly, I mostly just find the idea of Fëanor being a third Thingol hilarious
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