April showers bring May flowers but around here April just brings more pain. 

April fools! Its 29/4 but guess who turned out to be the biggest fool? 

spoiler alert, me!

You surely have noticed many people having favorite and lucky numbers of 2 , 3 , 7 or even 11 but as a kid i couldn’t help but notice that somehow I’ve always been associated with the number 4 (which later on will be described as my cursed number and YOU will see why), It bothered me SO much for some sorta weird reason that i felt like it’s a sign for bad thing, I just HATED the goddamn number and i didn’t even know why. For example, l’m the 4th granddaughter from the oldest to youngest, my family consists of 4 members, ive sat in the 4th disk away from the board in elementary and middle school and ive meet my lifetime best friends in the 4th grade. Now pay attention as you’ll see this taking an absurd turn where you start overthinking your whole life as a kid, if we subtract our apartment floor from my grandparents’ apartment floor 11-7 = 4, the addition of my birth day numbers 3+1 = 4, the subtraction of my birth year numbers 6-0-0-2 = 4 and uk the silly tiktoks that gives you a number for whatever reason? It ALWAYS was a 4.

As i grew older, i never gave it much thought until ive met my beloved month of the year, April🫶🏻

Oh April, the month during which i spent and initiated the most painful moments and heart-wrenching relationships (with guys mostly) of my whole life. Today (more accurately tomorrow) marks the end of you, and believe me i ended it with a one good of a cry that I vomited :>

And for the special moment of it ending, let me recall the memorable events engraved in my heart that have taken place during this month.

*wild drums* 3rdddd of april marks the birthday of my ex! really what a fresh start, and the very next day that same ex first texted me privately, mad at me for befriending the most 2 popular guys of my high school (sounds insane out of context lol). Next! I had the best moments with three of my ex-guy bestfriends, one of which turned out to be THE “enemy” to most of my guy friends currently and the other two did me SO FUCKING dirty that i won’t forgive them for it until the end of time. Regarding these two, I spent the first few days of the month living the worst week (seriously whom I kidding the rest of my life) in fear, high blood pressures and sudden panic attacks, luckily for me tho god came to the rescue as always and I’ve met my soulmate who got me out of the troubles I made with my own consequences, thanks to him i am who i am today<3 Moving on, I also first met the first true love of my life and ex of 1 year :/ (i really miss you). Lastly, concerning my bestie best guy best of best friends, it marks your birthday on the 16th of April that I’ve celebrated with you(?) for the first time this year.. YAY 18th HAPPY BIRTHDAY :3 and whom i cant even talk to properly anymore :( 

I also just got to 400 songs on my playlist! And found out that there’s only a period of 4 days between the day on which I fell in love with the loml and the day that changed everything thereafter between us.

Moral is: shit happens and although I got to live through the miserable month over the past 2 years, I’m still quite excited (terrified) to see what it holds for me in the future, and owing to it, I’ve grown into the person I am today. Looking back, I could finally wrap my head around what my younger self had of what I like to explain as a vision of awful stuff happening to us associated with the number 4. 

Zade my darling idk if you ever got my other Kakucho ask but he 100% is the man who wants to actually get you pregnant. He constantly thinks about how beautiful you would look pregnant, and then further than that the thought of being a dad and having a family with you 🥺🫶🏻

Mitsuya too! oh he loves the idea of having a sweet little family with you, having a baby on your hip while your tummy is round with another ♥️♥️♥️

oh my goodness my sweet gray 😭 tumblr's been fucking around with me the past two days so most of the asks ive answered disappeared or got deleted and i dont know why so im sorry if i didn't respond to yours 💔 but i shall kiss your big brain because if there's one of the two men in tokyo rev im absolutely weak for, it's kakucho and im not even exaggerating (i think its the scar tbh im a whore)

kakucho just doesn't seem like the type of guy who wants to have a family, which is why you don't really dare to mention it. of course he knows ho much you like kids – your habit of waving at tiny humans every time they look at you easily giving it away, yet he never really gave it another thought.

until one day his boys start teasing him for being such a dad because of him taking care of their drunk asses each time they get wasted. that's when he remembers just how badly he's always wanted to have a family of his own. maybe because his parents never gave him what he needed and he wanted to be better than them, or maybe because he genuinely liked the thought of havinh a baby – with you.

he's had relationships before and never once even considered moving in together because he used to be scared of commitment and being hurt, until you basically waltzed into his life and had him fall head over heels for you. and now, several years later, you're not only living together but also joke about the bonten boys being your kids and having to take care of them without giving birth.

and all of a sudden, kakucho just can't stop thinking about how pretty you'd look pregnant with his baby. the mental image of your big belly and your pretty face glowing from all the hormones and everything it comes with, suddenly seems so much more alluring to him.

and the thoughts of being a dad to a baby that's half his own and half the love of his life are quick to follow, which is why he just can't keep it to himself anymore, no matter how hard he tries to.

"you know", he sounds neevous and the second you shift your attention to him, kakucho tenses up, gripping the steering wheel as tight as possible, "if we happen to have a – uhm – a baby one day, i hope they get your eyes." the words make his heart race and his head spin to the point where he probably shouldn't be driving anymore, all because he doesn't know what to expect.

kakucho can't even deny how heartbroken he'd be if you weren't of the same mindset as him, yet either way his love for you would remain the same.

"oh? i'd want them to have yours", your response is quick and confident, from the way you smile at him, kakucho knows this isnt the first time you've thought about this and a wave of relief breaks down over him, "your eyes, my smile and your nose. but i feel like the first one's gonna be your copy anyway."

you start chuckling at your own words, probably not even aware of the burning blush on your boyfriend's cheek as he tries to comprehend what you just said to him.

the first one...so you do want a baby with him — multiple even.

1989 original foreword:

"These songs were once about my life. They are now about yours."

I was born in Reading, Pennsylvania on December 13, 1989.

In the world we live in, much is said about when we are born and when we die. Our birthday is celebrated every year to commemorate the very instant we came into the world. And a funeral is held to mark the day we leave it. But lately I've been wondering... what can be said of all the moments in between our birth and our death? The moments when we are reborn...

The debate over whether people change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don't make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new. Isn't it wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?

For the last few years, I've woken up every day not wanting, but needing to write a new style of music. I needed to change the way I told my stories and the way they sounded. I listened to a lot of music from the decade in which I was born and I listened to my intuition that it was a good thing to follow this gut feeling. I was also writing a different storyline than I'd ever told you before.

I wrote about moving to the loudest and brightest city in the world, the city I had always been overwhelmed by... until now. I think you have to know who you are and what you want in order to take on New York and all its blaring truth. I wrote about the thrill I got when I finally learned that love, to some extent, is just a game of cat and mouse. I wrote about looking back on a lost love and understanding that nothing good comes without loss and hardship and constant struggle. There is no "riding off into the sunset," like I used to imagine. We are never out of the woods, because we are always going to be fighting for something. I wrote about love that comes back to you just when you thought it was lost forever, and how some feelings never go out of style. I wrote about an important lesson I learned recently... that people can say whatever they want about me, but they can't make me lose my mind. I've learned how to shake things off.

I've told you my stories for years now. Some have been about coming of age. Some have been about coming undone. This is a story about coming into your own, and as a result... coming alive.

I hope you know that you've given me the courage to change. I hope you know that who you are is who you choose to be, and that whispers behind your back don't define you. You are the only person who gets to decide what you will be remembered for.

From the girl who said she would never cut her hair or move to New York or find happiness in a world where she is not in love...

Love, Taylor

Welcome home, 1989🩵🫶🏻