But then, apropos of nothing, Leorio asked, “D’you want to dance?”

Part of Kurapika descended into wordless screeching. Fortunately, the part that replied was not the one that melting down. “My idea of dancing, or yours?”

“Well, I was thinking mine,” Leorio huffed out, faux-annoyed. “But either works.”

Kurapika looked up at Leorio, at the way the sunset turned his skin to burnished gold and caught on the green and caramel in his eyes. He thought, this is a mistake. He thought, this is only going to make your decision harder.

He held out his hand. “Sure. We’ll try it your way.”

ok well i definitely thought this would take me much longer to finish and now i feel extra silly for not waiting to post the previous kurapika pic but i guess i just have to live with that. anyways once again this is from @thefledglingdm‘s glorious fic Light Of My Life, Pain In My Ass, which i read like a couple of months ago at this point and still it haunts me. it’s just so good.

so what’s the deal with valentine van velt?

great question. their parents and teachers ask this also. anyway this post is to explain why i have a project that i never made a fancy intro post for. also to make you look at my art

what is it?

it’s a book! well, a book in progress. by yours truly max gooseboy.

there’s a little blurb over here, but in short: it’s about four days in the life of a very annoying, very unhappy teenager named valentine. (that’s the little bastard you see above.) the story’s told in a mixture of first and second person - it’s narrated by a self-admittedly unreliable patient in an OCD program, talking to a “you” that is valentine themself.

...i will admit in my head i’ve taken to calling it “holden caulfield goes to exposure therapy”

why are you so vague about it all the time?

primarily because the target audience is, and always has been, me.

my other projects are much easier to talk about, because they have fun taglines and they are fundamentally what they claim to be on the tin. plus i do genuinely think other people will like them! i am excited to share them with the world! so VVVID is my weird baby in that it’s rather unorthodox and written for an ideal audience of Me.

i hate to call it slice-of-life, because that term tends to have a peaceful fluffy connotation and this is… definitely not that. but it is a winding and strange little story. the unreliability of the narrator is a plot point. i have held off on making some kind of Flashy Cool Please-Reblog-This Intro Post™ for this project because i don’t want to promise something i am not going to deliver on! i don’t want people thinking i’m going to offer a stunning murder mystery (did valentine even get murdered? god knows) or a tearjerking found family story when what am i really offering is… a twisty little thing about mental health, mostly.

plus there are substantial bits that are… very overtly based off of my experiences with mental health. and i do not want people seeing a post about it and thinking that i have come to write Groundbreaking Ownvoices Fiction About Mental Illness when i am writing about me and my experience specifically, if that makes sense. and like... i dunno man i genuinely don’t know if other people on the planet will enjoy this thing! i don’t know if it is going to be objectively “good”! but i sure am going to create it anyway! it is a gift to myself!

but if you don’t want people to see it, why are you posting about it?

i don’t not want people to see it! i’m not saying, “too bad if you want to see it someday, you can’t, it is locked in a box at the bottom of a trench and only i have the key.” i just don’t want to misadvertize :> but i do like to talk about the things i am working on and i definitely want to be able to open the text post creator and complain about / dunk on valentine for being incredibly annoying and difficult to write. so. here we are

what is your plan for it, if not to lock it in a box and throw it down a trench?

this is a great question! i do not know! i’m in the home stretch here (if i actually sit down and Do It i’ll have it finished in a week, knock on wood) and after i finish the first draft i’m switching focus to nanowrimo prep lmao. and after that... perhaps i will write a second valentine draft. perhaps i will stick it back into the files to come back to in the distant future. perhaps i will polish it up and put it on the internet for the, like, two people who have expressed interest. who’s to say. who’s to say.

“max i would like to hear more about this”

my askbox is open!

“max i think literally all of your other projects sound more interesting never talk about this again”

my askbox is open for you to say this to me also!

“max i want that twink (valentine) obliterated”

[revving my car engine] don’t worry it’s happening

Tag

I was tagged by @judal-is-my-spirit-animal, thank you!!

Rules: Tell your followers 11 random facts about you and then tag 11 (or more) other people in return. 

uhh ok I have no idea what to say cause what haven’t I already overshared on here to everyone but let’s go for it anyway:

1- I’m graduating high school in June/July of this year at 16 y/o which is lit but I’m not actually super smart I’m just home schooled ha

2- I forget that when I say I’m home schooled people probably think I have been since I was a smol kiddo but nah I left public schooling halfway through 7th grade (14 y/o) 

3- I played soccer and was in girl scouts until I was 9 years old and we moved to another state. that was the last time I had my shit together and was involved in multiple things at once. 

4- Actually I lied I was in band and played saxophone in 5th grade (11 y/o? 12?) but I dropped out after cause it gave me intense anxiety. I couldn’t learn to read sheet music to save my life and the class was moving too fast for me because of it. and there were probably other reasons but yea. fun.

5- I have literally one friend whom I hang out with irl and have known since I was in public school. I literally only maintained one friendship since then and really I don’t blame myself for that too much but now I just know like no one irl. it’s weird. 

6- not to be a fuckin nerd but I have to mention that I love Hyun Ryu aka Zen with my entire heart and no one can change that

7- I’m really fuckin bad at art (especially traditional) and yet I plan on going to an art school for full-on college and a pre-college program this summer granted it’s for creative writing but the pre-college program is arty and I...yikes

8- I’m all about that Aaron “Wait For It” Burr lifestyle shit and yet at the same time I’m so god damn impatient it’s ridiculous. 

9- on the topic of Hamilton, Lin-Manuel Miranda is literally my #1 idol and inspiration and he’s just a blessing in general. what a guy. life goals.

10- I love learning languages and yet I’m pretty bad at it. I learned Swedish for 3 years and I can barely form basic sentences. what the fuck. yes I know you don’t become fluent so easily and I wasn’t super diligent with it but gOD DAMN Now that I’ve switched my focus to Japanese, though, I feel more confident with it and that I’m learning it better than I was Swedish??? 

11- fuck idk another thing I’m really bad at this... how about that I have my first holes pierced and stretched to a 0g/8mm and an industrial bar in my left ear. I want an auricle piercing in my right and very recently was thinking that a septum might be cool. I also have two concrete ideas for tattoos that I want which might actually happen for my next birthday yooo

I can’t really be bothered to find 11 people to tag right now but if you want to do this, go ahead!! 

Creating balance when Life shows up

It has been  a hectic 2 weeks  at home. Phill my husband is on a new TV show and that just premiered last week. He was just promoted to location manager and  work life is hectic.  He has had severe nose bleeds the past 2 weeks that resulted in numerous emergency rooms , urgent care visit and consultation visits with his ENT doctor. I did not realize that ENT doctors are hard to find in ER hospitals. We live in Los Angeles and I can say 3 different ER hospital visits and no ENT doctor unless you are bleeding out. In one hospital you have to literally drive yourself to a hospital with a ENT doctor after they patch you up.  I now have knowledge which hospitals to go and that is the kind of information one has to have in our state of  the health industry. 

My work specially at the end of the month is busy and entails a lot of concentration . I work in customer service and handles the company’s #1 customer. 

It feels like life has been showing up with such intensity lately. Phill’s dad passed away and we are suppose to go to Connecticut for his memorial on Thursday . Phill is facing a possible surgery on Tuesday and we will not know until tomorrow the prognosis . We are both attempting to balance work  and what life is bringing . There is uncertaint , fear , stress and chaos.

We have been in this situation before and  maybe not the same circumstance but the feelings are the same . The feelings of trying to restore some kind of sanity when the world is so uncertain .

In spite of being familiar with addressing what life brings  I am reminded today of the tools that I have to keep me sane and present .

I work in a Textile manufacturing company. My work day starts at waking up at 3:30 am everyday so I can be at my home office at 4:30 am ready  to answer phone calls  and emails. My main customers are back east in a different time zone.  I do not have the same stress as an Emergency room hospital  but stress comes in different forms . Chaos in my industry can mean a late delivery that is expected at 6 am Eastern time and that means I am not even awake in my time zone .

I have learned some tools to help me restore some kind of balance at work and at home. 

At work I am excellent at anticipating customer needs . I have worked with logistic companies to automate tracking of urgent freight deliveries. My customer knows if a delivery is late while I am barely waking up in Los Angeles. I wake up at emails with a mixed bag of grateful customer that received his order  or delays because of myriad reasons like weather, accidents  etc. One time a driver literally walked away from his truck and left a load in Kentucky . The freight company had to get the highway patrol involve in this situation.  It is amazing what one email can do so my customers can make the necessary adjustment on their end and make life a little better. Communication is key always in my job.  I provide information even before my customers will ask for it.  It eliminates unnecessary panic for all of us. I am good at anticipating customer needs and I reap the rewards later . I have to say I have a folder that is called Kudos . I read it when I need motivation .

We all approach work differently regardless of what we do.. My engineering background allows me to look at everything like a picture in landscape . It has allowed me the flexibility to prioritize specially when deadlines are involved. I work 2 hours from home and I tackle LA traffic at 6:30 am . I have learned to face traffic by listening to NPR on the way to work.  Listening to news and keeping up to  date with the world gives me a sense of connection. It relaxes me  and keeps me present. If you heard about driving in Los Angeles I can tell you it is not fun specially if  you pass by downtown or when the President is in town. Listening to news that in other parts of the world food is scarce and human rights does not exist transforms my traffic frustrations  to gratitude . My traffic turmoils is nothing to being faced without food to eat . This too, traffic  that is will pass and in some days when school is off I get some reprieve. 

7:30 am most of the time I make it on time and that means mid morning back east . I have voice mails to address, emails to answer, orders to enter while new phone calls and emails keep coming.This is where the art of prioritizing comes. I look at the landscape that is my work load and address which comes first . I will tackle from high priority to least . It varies what is immediate . 13 years of customer service and working for my company has given me some kind of wisdom to tackle multiple screens of incoming emails and switching from one Oracle screen to the other. My moments can vary from entering an order, answering a phone call, giving out product information and pricing, addressing an emergency order that might deliver same day in Rochester New York or Florida, tracking an order that was misrouted , addressing an inventory alert that means shorting a high profile order/customer  or just helping a customer in panic on the other line of the phone.  How do I handle all of these and maintain a semblance of balance ? There are days I  handle it well. There are days that are tough and needs a lot of self acceptance .I read some emails from my Kudos folder to keep me going .

I learned certain things that I do at work to maintain balance. I have an Apple watch that alerts me to stand when I am sitting too long and alerts me to take deep breaths to self regulate. I also hydrate at work and I measure my water intake. I drink half my body weight in ounces .I take my 15 minute walk at 11:30 pm most of the time regardless of how hectic my day is. Sitting down for long hours is not good for my body so I stretch whenever I can even when I am sitting down. I also bring healthy food choices most of the time . It is so easy to eat mindlessly specially at the office. I always have some protein  and fresh or dried fruit . On Monday’s  I dress up to show up for work. I take pride in the fashion I bring to work specially on a Monday because sometimes a weekend like mine right now can feel dragging . 

How do I stay focus at work specially now that Phill is not well ? I always sleep early during a work week and that means 8:30 am . We had to deal with ER last Thursday and got home at 1:00 am . That means it was impossible to work the following day . It was good time to take a sick day .  I have a day left after this and lots of vacation days. I normally have healthy boundaries and so does my husband . We are both in work modes when we are at work . We only call each other if there is an emergency  so we are not interrupted. 

Outside of work  I have learned some kind of physical activity helps with restoring balance. I have done 2 half marathons and discovered that I have the discipline to follow training for a race.  The same discipline that  allows me to carve time  , a  me time to what my doctor say  “pump the heart” . My  Apple Watch monitors my resting heart rate too . My vitals on a recent physical is good and no kind of medications are needed to keep up with life. My husband leads an online Health and Fitness program and I join so I can refocus on well being.  Food has been my source of comfort growing up so stress can make me seek out what will make me feel better instantly but not in the long run. I do yoga although I am working on a regular practice.  I subscribe to Farm Fresh that allows me to have fresh fruit and vegetables delivered.  I am lucky to live where organic store is just a 10 minute walk . I can literally go to market everyday if there is time for it. I food prep during the weekend so our food at home is set for the week. This ensures that fast food is a less tempting choice.

My husband and I also have health insurance that allows us to go to Therapy . Yes we talk to a professional that can listen to us without any agenda except for our individual well being. Mental state is important to face our  life . Although we are married we have different past experiences. There are things that only a trained therapist can address . I am grateful I can talk to someone every Thursday and have someone see my life and struggles from a different perspective. I have life trauma like death and grief  that therapy addresses. I have learned what I can do to soothe myself. Music and concerts helps. I do aromatherapy at home and essential oils keeps me grounded. I live near Griffith Park and I am grateful I can just  close my  front door and take a hike if I need some balance.  I also live close to a yoga studio so I can walk with my mat if my head needs some clearing .We live close to the Greek Theater so we are fortunate that we can walk and see a concert during the summer. I love trees and I happen to live in a street lined up with very old trees. On days that life is uncertain I find solace at looking at this magnificent tree outside my window . The tree ressures me that all is well in the world and enables me to stay focus in the moment . Today as I scribble this, it is Sunday afternoon. Our English bulldog is contently snoring in the background. I had groceries delivered so I can be a nurse to my husband. Right now I can breathe and say I am ok and I am present.

First Look: 2019 BMW M2 Competition

BMW is no stranger to slicing a pie into ever-thinner pieces, as evidenced by its prolific (some might say confusing) lineup of numerically inconsistent body styles, and its practice of applying coupe terminology to practically anything with four wheels.

Now, BMW has taken that power of multiplication to its performance lineup. M Competition is a new standalone model, slotting a notch above the entry-level M Performance and storied M models, and below the hardcore CS and GTS (soon to be CSL) performance rungs. That’s a total of five separate performance levels. Take that, Audi and Mercedes-AMG, with your piddling two offerings each.

But the differences only matter if they’re meaningful, and BMW believes it can carve out distinct niches for each of these levels. For 2019, BMW has taken the M2 and elevated it to the M2 Competition.

More than any other car in the BMW lineup, the M2 represents the emotional and dynamic purity that have been the brand’s defining characteristics for decades. Indeed, we fell in love with our M2 long-termer, calling it a “Goldilocks ‘just-right’ benchmark, not only for the high-performance coupe segment but also for BMW itself.”

So what happens when Goldilocks is bestowed with a hotter engine and suspension bits from the M3/M4? Does it lose the balanced luster that makes it so special? On the contrary. The 2019 M2 Competition is better than the car it succeeds, retaining the magic that makes it so brilliant yet still benefiting from a number of substantial changes to the powertrain and platform.

Let’s start with that engine. Out with the rorty twin-scroll turbocharged N55 3.0-liter inline-six, and in with the M3’s single-scroll twin-turbo S55 3.0-liter inline-six, which ups the horsepower from 365 to 405 hp—a decent bump in a car that weighs around 3,500 pounds. As before, power is put to the rear wheels through either a standard six-speed manual or a seven-speed dual-clutch transmission. BMW estimates a 0­–60 time of 4.0 seconds flat when equipped with the DCT.

Scrubbing off the power are new optional brakes, featuring six pistons clamping down onto massive 15.7-inch rotors up front, and a four-piston setup with 15-inch rotors out back.

BMW could have literally stopped there, but in keeping with M Competition’s mission of being a more track-focused variant, it also upgraded a fair number of bits throughout the chassis, pilfering bits from the M3 and M4 parts bin. Front-end rigidity is increased through a gorgeous lightweight carbon-fiber strut that arcs around the engine, augmented by a bulkhead strut from the M4. The M2 Competition also benefits from lightweight aluminum axles front and rear, and the rear five-link axle is bolted directly to the subframe without the use of rubber bushings.

These changes add up to a package that delivers a shot of caffeine to an already lively vehicle. The M2 Competition doesn’t feel so much transformed as it does reinvigorated, like it returned to its day job after a month of massages and personal training.

That refreshing spirit is echoed in the M2 Competition’s exhale. I was worried that the S55, combined with an electronically controlled twin-flap sport exhaust, would produce the same mechanical bleating that befalls the M3. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by a seductive growl that builds into a silken frenzy as the revs crescendo. There’s no mistaking the fact that a BMW inline-six is under the hood.

On the track, the M2 is right at home, with inputs and reflexes that are direct and satisfying. It’s ridiculously easy to explore the limits at any speed or angle and still have the confidence to rein it back in. There’s even more steering feel than before, though BMW could still use a master class in the art of servo tactility.

This playful nature is possible with the stability control set to M Dynamic mode, working in harmony with the Active M limited-slip differential to allow greater wheelspin before intervening. If you feel like a true hero, the stability control can be fully switched off. BMW has made it easy to cycle through various drive settings by placing dedicated buttons on the console to adjust steering, engine, and stability preferences. Further personalization is possible by programming your favorite two-mode combinations into the M1 and M2 buttons located on the steering wheel.

The six-speed manual features light, direct throws, though the movement between gears feels a bit rubbery. Each downshift is accompanied by a zesty blip from the rev-matching function whether you like it or not. The only way to defeat the system is to engage the aforementioned true hero mode. It would be nice to turn off rev-matching without risking a loss of traction. How about it, BMW? There’s room for one more dedicated button on the console.

Dial everything to Comfort, and out in the real world, the M2 Competition settles down to deliver a ride that somehow manages to be both sharp and supple. Best of all, despite the increased performance, this is a car that could handily work as a daily driver.

Visually, the M2 Competition incorporates both functional and cosmetic updates. Adaptive LED headlights flank the iconic twin kidney grille, which stretches even further out to the sides, now framed in high-gloss black trim. Wider openings in the valance encourage greater airflow, and an additional engine oil cooler is tucked underneath. Inside, the optional M Sport bucket seats are supremely supportive and comfortable, and there’s an illuminated M2 badge just below the integrated headrest, which I’m sure is great to look at when you’re not sitting in the seat.

For 2019, the M2 will only be offered in Competition form. Starting at $59,895, it’s not the performance bargain it once was, though it still handily undercuts the Audi TT RS ($65,875) and the 2019 Porsche Cayman S ($70,350) while trumping them both on horsepower. True, the Audi comes within 5 hp of the M2 Competition’s rating and has all-wheel drive, but it doesn’t offer a stick at any price.

IFTTT

First Look: 2019 BMW M2 Competition

BMW is no stranger to slicing a pie into ever-thinner pieces, as evidenced by its prolific (some might say confusing) lineup of numerically inconsistent body styles, and its practice of applying coupe terminology to practically anything with four wheels.

Now, BMW has taken that power of multiplication to its performance lineup. M Competition is a new standalone model, slotting a notch above the entry-level M Performance and storied M models, and below the hardcore CS and GTS (soon to be CSL) performance rungs. That’s a total of five separate performance levels. Take that, Audi and Mercedes-AMG, with your piddling two offerings each.

But the differences only matter if they’re meaningful, and BMW believes it can carve out distinct niches for each of these levels. For 2019, BMW has taken the M2 and elevated it to the M2 Competition.

More than any other car in the BMW lineup, the M2 represents the emotional and dynamic purity that have been the brand’s defining characteristics for decades. Indeed, we fell in love with our M2 long-termer, calling it a “Goldilocks ‘just-right’ benchmark, not only for the high-performance coupe segment but also for BMW itself.”

So what happens when Goldilocks is bestowed with a hotter engine and suspension bits from the M3/M4? Does it lose the balanced luster that makes it so special? On the contrary. The 2019 M2 Competition is better than the car it succeeds, retaining the magic that makes it so brilliant yet still benefiting from a number of substantial changes to the powertrain and platform.

Let’s start with that engine. Out with the rorty twin-scroll turbocharged N55 3.0-liter inline-six, and in with the M3’s single-scroll twin-turbo S55 3.0-liter inline-six, which ups the horsepower from 365 to 405 hp—a decent bump in a car that weighs around 3,500 pounds. As before, power is put to the rear wheels through either a standard six-speed manual or a seven-speed dual-clutch transmission. BMW estimates a 0­–60 time of 4.0 seconds flat when equipped with the DCT.

Scrubbing off the power are new optional brakes, featuring six pistons clamping down onto massive 15.7-inch rotors up front, and a four-piston setup with 15-inch rotors out back.

BMW could have literally stopped there, but in keeping with M Competition’s mission of being a more track-focused variant, it also upgraded a fair number of bits throughout the chassis, pilfering bits from the M3 and M4 parts bin. Front-end rigidity is increased through a gorgeous lightweight carbon-fiber strut that arcs around the engine, augmented by a bulkhead strut from the M4. The M2 Competition also benefits from lightweight aluminum axles front and rear, and the rear five-link axle is bolted directly to the subframe without the use of rubber bushings.

These changes add up to a package that delivers a shot of caffeine to an already lively vehicle. The M2 Competition doesn’t feel so much transformed as it does reinvigorated, like it returned to its day job after a month of massages and personal training.

That refreshing spirit is echoed in the M2 Competition’s exhale. I was worried that the S55, combined with an electronically controlled twin-flap sport exhaust, would produce the same mechanical bleating that befalls the M3. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by a seductive growl that builds into a silken frenzy as the revs crescendo. There’s no mistaking the fact that a BMW inline-six is under the hood.

On the track, the M2 is right at home, with inputs and reflexes that are direct and satisfying. It’s ridiculously easy to explore the limits at any speed or angle and still have the confidence to rein it back in. There’s even more steering feel than before, though BMW could still use a master class in the art of servo tactility.

This playful nature is possible with the stability control set to M Dynamic mode, working in harmony with the Active M limited-slip differential to allow greater wheelspin before intervening. If you feel like a true hero, the stability control can be fully switched off. BMW has made it easy to cycle through various drive settings by placing dedicated buttons on the console to adjust steering, engine, and stability preferences. Further personalization is possible by programming your favorite two-mode combinations into the M1 and M2 buttons located on the steering wheel.

The six-speed manual features light, direct throws, though the movement between gears feels a bit rubbery. Each downshift is accompanied by a zesty blip from the rev-matching function whether you like it or not. The only way to defeat the system is to engage the aforementioned true hero mode. It would be nice to turn off rev-matching without risking a loss of traction. How about it, BMW? There’s room for one more dedicated button on the console.

Dial everything to Comfort, and out in the real world, the M2 Competition settles down to deliver a ride that somehow manages to be both sharp and supple. Best of all, despite the increased performance, this is a car that could handily work as a daily driver.

Visually, the M2 Competition incorporates both functional and cosmetic updates. Adaptive LED headlights flank the iconic twin kidney grille, which stretches even further out to the sides, now framed in high-gloss black trim. Wider openings in the valance encourage greater airflow, and an additional engine oil cooler is tucked underneath. Inside, the optional M Sport bucket seats are supremely supportive and comfortable, and there’s an illuminated M2 badge just below the integrated headrest, which I’m sure is great to look at when you’re not sitting in the seat.

For 2019, the M2 will only be offered in Competition form. Starting at $59,895, it’s not the performance bargain it once was, though it still handily undercuts the Audi TT RS ($65,875) and the 2019 Porsche Cayman S ($70,350) while trumping them both on horsepower. True, the Audi comes within 5 hp of the M2 Competition’s rating and has all-wheel drive, but it doesn’t offer a stick at any price.

IFTTT

First Look: 2019 BMW M2 Competition

BMW is no stranger to slicing a pie into ever-thinner pieces, as evidenced by its prolific (some might say confusing) lineup of numerically inconsistent body styles, and its practice of applying coupe terminology to practically anything with four wheels.

Now, BMW has taken that power of multiplication to its performance lineup. M Competition is a new standalone model, slotting a notch above the entry-level M Performance and storied M models, and below the hardcore CS and GTS (soon to be CSL) performance rungs. That’s a total of five separate performance levels. Take that, Audi and Mercedes-AMG, with your piddling two offerings each.

But the differences only matter if they’re meaningful, and BMW believes it can carve out distinct niches for each of these levels. For 2019, BMW has taken the M2 and elevated it to the M2 Competition.

More than any other car in the BMW lineup, the M2 represents the emotional and dynamic purity that have been the brand’s defining characteristics for decades. Indeed, we fell in love with our M2 long-termer, calling it a “Goldilocks ‘just-right’ benchmark, not only for the high-performance coupe segment but also for BMW itself.”

So what happens when Goldilocks is bestowed with a hotter engine and suspension bits from the M3/M4? Does it lose the balanced luster that makes it so special? On the contrary. The 2019 M2 Competition is better than the car it succeeds, retaining the magic that makes it so brilliant yet still benefiting from a number of substantial changes to the powertrain and platform.

Let’s start with that engine. Out with the rorty twin-scroll turbocharged N55 3.0-liter inline-six, and in with the M3’s single-scroll twin-turbo S55 3.0-liter inline-six, which ups the horsepower from 365 to 405 hp—a decent bump in a car that weighs around 3,500 pounds. As before, power is put to the rear wheels through either a standard six-speed manual or a seven-speed dual-clutch transmission. BMW estimates a 0­–60 time of 4.0 seconds flat when equipped with the DCT.

Scrubbing off the power are new optional brakes, featuring six pistons clamping down onto massive 15.7-inch rotors up front, and a four-piston setup with 15-inch rotors out back.

BMW could have literally stopped there, but in keeping with M Competition’s mission of being a more track-focused variant, it also upgraded a fair number of bits throughout the chassis, pilfering bits from the M3 and M4 parts bin. Front-end rigidity is increased through a gorgeous lightweight carbon-fiber strut that arcs around the engine, augmented by a bulkhead strut from the M4. The M2 Competition also benefits from lightweight aluminum axles front and rear, and the rear five-link axle is bolted directly to the subframe without the use of rubber bushings.

These changes add up to a package that delivers a shot of caffeine to an already lively vehicle. The M2 Competition doesn’t feel so much transformed as it does reinvigorated, like it returned to its day job after a month of massages and personal training.

That refreshing spirit is echoed in the M2 Competition’s exhale. I was worried that the S55, combined with an electronically controlled twin-flap sport exhaust, would produce the same mechanical bleating that befalls the M3. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by a seductive growl that builds into a silken frenzy as the revs crescendo. There’s no mistaking the fact that a BMW inline-six is under the hood.

On the track, the M2 is right at home, with inputs and reflexes that are direct and satisfying. It’s ridiculously easy to explore the limits at any speed or angle and still have the confidence to rein it back in. There’s even more steering feel than before, though BMW could still use a master class in the art of servo tactility.

This playful nature is possible with the stability control set to M Dynamic mode, working in harmony with the Active M limited-slip differential to allow greater wheelspin before intervening. If you feel like a true hero, the stability control can be fully switched off. BMW has made it easy to cycle through various drive settings by placing dedicated buttons on the console to adjust steering, engine, and stability preferences. Further personalization is possible by programming your favorite two-mode combinations into the M1 and M2 buttons located on the steering wheel.

The six-speed manual features light, direct throws, though the movement between gears feels a bit rubbery. Each downshift is accompanied by a zesty blip from the rev-matching function whether you like it or not. The only way to defeat the system is to engage the aforementioned true hero mode. It would be nice to turn off rev-matching without risking a loss of traction. How about it, BMW? There’s room for one more dedicated button on the console.

Dial everything to Comfort, and out in the real world, the M2 Competition settles down to deliver a ride that somehow manages to be both sharp and supple. Best of all, despite the increased performance, this is a car that could handily work as a daily driver.

Visually, the M2 Competition incorporates both functional and cosmetic updates. Adaptive LED headlights flank the iconic twin kidney grille, which stretches even further out to the sides, now framed in high-gloss black trim. Wider openings in the valance encourage greater airflow, and an additional engine oil cooler is tucked underneath. Inside, the optional M Sport bucket seats are supremely supportive and comfortable, and there’s an illuminated M2 badge just below the integrated headrest, which I’m sure is great to look at when you’re not sitting in the seat.

For 2019, the M2 will only be offered in Competition form. Starting at $59,895, it’s not the performance bargain it once was, though it still handily undercuts the Audi TT RS ($65,875) and the 2019 Porsche Cayman S ($70,350) while trumping them both on horsepower. True, the Audi comes within 5 hp of the M2 Competition’s rating and has all-wheel drive, but it doesn’t offer a stick at any price.

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New student orientation is tomorrow and I am freaking out. Long ass ramblings about anxiety and depression and more fun things under the cut if anyone’s interested.

For the past 5 years I have been dreaming about going back to school. But now that it’s here I find myself too anxious to eat or sleep and wanting nothing more than to just not show up and never speak of it again. 

7 years ago I started university in Lethbridge. Tbh the only reason I applied there was because my mom was pushing me to. Her then-boyfriend was there at the time and I guess she thought it would be cool to have us in the same place? Idk. But it was AWFUL.

To start off, I actually applied (and got accepted) to the wrong program. I did managed to switch it before I actually started but I ended up in some sort of general fine arts program with kids that I couldn’t relate to at all. I took some introductory digital art classes and realized that they were for graphic design students only. It was weird. They didn’t even have tablets to use. I also took a fine arts class with painting and sculpting, a really boring art history class and other things I don’t remember. 

The worst part about Lethbridge though were my roommates. My mom set it up for me, living in a house with 3 other girls. Could have been cool! Unfortunately I was the only first year and the other girls were.... Weird. One was a Chinese international student who never came out of her room and refused to speak to me when we ran into each other. Another was a 40 something living in the basement who wasn’t even in school anymore. She was actually nice but was gone for weeks at a time. 

The last girl though OH THE LAST GIRL. Was a music student who was absolutely anal about noise and left passive aggressive sticky notes all over everything in the house from dishes to the bathroom mirror. The noise thing was an issue right from the beginning. I wasn’t allowed to watch movies or play games without headphones or have music playing. She would bang on the door when I talked on the phone. My mom called once to tell me an uncle had passed away and she friggen banged on the door when I was crying my eyes out and told me it didn’t matter that I was sad, that she was trying to study and could hear me through her ear plugs I’m assuming she never took out of her goddamn sensitive baby ears. 

On top of the stupidly silent house where no one talked the place was disgusting. No one did the dishes or took out the trash. There was a layer of flyers glued to the floor with god knows what. I didn’t keep or make any food in the house if I could avoid it. 

The first semester was hard but I got through it. I went home for Christmas and found myself having an absolute mental breakdown when it was time to go back. Like full on scream crying at the airport and throwing up in the bathroom in the air. Going back triggered the most severe depression I’ve ever been faced with and I’m assuming is the reason I’m so anxious now. 

I went to a handful of classes at the beginning before giving up. I didn’t leave my bed. I stopped eating. I didn’t care enough to go shopping and the house was too gross to cook in. Every once in awhile I’d go grab a cheeseburger from Dairy Queen and some coolers and that would be all I ate for the week. I cried for hours every day and was severely dehydrated and had a constant headache. I didn’t show up for any exams. I didn’t have any friends. I literally gave up on trying and just decided to stay in bed and sleep as much as I could so the time to go home would come faster. 

Eventually I did see a counselor and go on meds. And I’m still on those meds. The depression has literally never stopped since that year. All in all that waste of a year cost me over 15 THOUSAND dollars. I’m not even sure how. My entire school fund that my parents saved up over my whole life, gone.

I dropped out soon after I finally got home. I moved back in with my dad and he made food every night and I just couldn’t stop eating. I was so hungry. I ended up gaining back all the weight I’d lost and just kept eating until I’d gained nearly 100 pounds in less than a year. At my heaviest I was almost 220 pounds. I’m covered in stretch marks from that and still struggling to lose it. 

I’m so scared that school is going to trigger that again. I have nightmares at least 2-3 times a week about not showing up for classes and the immense guilt from letting everyone down. I seriously have no idea how anyone still has faith in me but they do. And I should be excited! I am excited! But I’m more afraid than anything. 

What if it happens again. What if I can’t do it. What if I’m the only one over 20 there and no one wants to talk to me. What if I just can’t do it and drop out and have to tell everyone that I screwed up again and just hear the disappointed sigh of yep, I told you she wasn’t gonna do it.

When I lost my job I didn’t tell anyone. I’m so so tired of having to let people know that I screwed up again. I don’t even want to tell them about the cool exciting things I’m doing because then they’ll expect something and I can’t deal with it. I haven’t actually accomplished anything I’ve set out to do in the last 6 years. They do nothing but praise me and tell me how smart I was as a kid and how much potential I have and like... I really wish they didn’t. 

I’m in a much better place this time. I have my own apartment that I can come back to every day. I have a boyfriend that’s so excited for me and ready to help out however he can. I have a decent student loan that will pay the rent. I’m 1000x times better off than I was in Lethbridge. 

So why then is this so goddamn TERRIFYING. 

Tomorrow’s new student orientation and I’m doing whatever I can to keep busy so I don’t fall into an anxious spiral of negative thinking. For frigs sakes, it’s supposed to be FUN. It’s not like I’m going to go there and just get yelled at by teachers for not showing up to classes 6 years ago. No one even knows who I am there! 

And I’m going to school for goddamn ANIMATION this time. Like all my classes are strictly to help me out with animation and modeling. No fine arts bullshit, no micro-finance whatever. Just a room full of kids who like art and want to work in movies and games just like me. 

I don’t know. I’m just... anticipating failure I guess. I feel like it’s another thing I’m gonna get all excited about and just never finish. 

Not a great feeling to have. I really hope it goes away after the first week.