Internal organs

1. Where is your cell phone right now? Kitchen table

2. How many pictures of yourself do you have on your phone? There are several selfies, mostly while travelling

3. What song did you listen to the most this summer? Whatever was playing on the radio that I heard everywhere I guess. Probably despacito, subeme la radio, and vente pa ca

4. Describe your hands. They’re pretty handy

5. Have you ever been chased by an animal? (If so, which one) A couple of small dogs, a horse (while I had a strong fear of horses, I cried), probably some others that I don’t remember.

6. How many people in your family have blue eyes?  Most of us, except my brother has hazel

7. What’s the longest you’ve ever been on an airplane? Australia to europe is something like 24 hours. But that’s a couple of flights. The longest I’ve been on one flight was Sydney to Doha which was 14 hours and it was hell because the air pressure was wreaking havoc on my guts and gave me the worst cramps 

8. How did you get one of your scars? I was in the UK with my dad and brother when I was 10 and we were staying at a family friend’s house, along with a couple of other family friends. Me and a fellow child were building a little stick cubby house in the garden and we decided we didn’t want my older brother to get in because he would ruin everything, so we made the entrance really low to the ground so you had to slide in on your belly. Anyway, brother was chasing me and I tried to dive into the cubby house and one of the sticks scraped down my back and now I have a faint scar there.

9. How did you celebrate your last birthday? A group of friends and I went to a theme park and then went to a comedy cabaret show for dinner where we consumed a reasonable amount of alochol

10. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing? I probably bought it at a cheap clothing store. It’s a few years old so I don’t remember exactly

11. How old will you be at your next birthday? 24

12. What did you do last weekend? I was in Paris

13. What did you have for breakfast? I did not have breakfast

14. Have you ever been out of the country? Which country? I’ve been out of many of them

15. Have you ever had sex on the beach? No and I really have no desire to get sand in that region.

16. Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Yeah

17. Who was the last person you saw? Lady working at the cornerstore. For some reason whenever I buy a 6 pack of beer she always forgets to put it in as 6 and just scans one. I’m too honest to let it slide so I always look at the price and go, “...for 6 beers?” and she’s like “oh!” and rescans it as the 6pack. I mean, I go into that little store at least once a week so I’d rather not screw them over anyway.

18. Who was the last person you messaged? Anna

19. Where does your best friend live? All of my best friends still live in australia

20. Where did you last go? To the cornerstore

21. Where do you go to school? At a school

22. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? Depends on definition of ex but I’m considering (when I’m back in aus) getting back with a guy I had a thing with before I left australia

23. Who was the last person you sat next to? Somebody on the plane from Paris back to Barcelona

24. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more? Yeah

25. When was the last time you ate chips? Maybe a week ago

26. How many people have you kissed in this month? None :(

27. Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? No but you’ve just reminded me I need to hang up my laundry to dry

28. What are you doing tomorrow? I need to stop into that telemarketing office and finally pick up my money. Then going to buy some rum and hopefully mandarins too (my grocery store didn’t have any today) and head home by midday to skype with maggie and anna for maggie’s birthday while I get drunk in the early afternoon

29. What color are your socks? Navy blue with little pink hearts on them

30. Last thing you got in the mail? Letter from 2 friends (a couple) asking me to be a groomsman at their wedding next year. They can’t stand the thought of me in a dress so they decided a long time ago that I could not be a bridesmaid

31. Who were you with Friday night? Just me, alone in Paris.

32. How long does it take you to get ready to go out? Up to 45 minutes. Usually about half an hour.

33. Where’s the closest hoodie to you right now? I only have one and it’s on my torso

34. Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? Mornings because I tend to sweat while I sleep. Obviously less of an issue in winter though. When I’m working I take night showers in winter because I know that if I get in the shower at 4:30am when it’s 5 degrees out, I am never getting out of that hot water.

35. Think back to June. Were you in a relationship? No

36. Who was the last person to be in your bedroom? I don’t know, nobody has been here in a long time

37. Have you ever eaten an uncooked cookie? Do you mean... cookie dough?

38. Is there a place that you wish you could visit? There are so many more places to go.

39. Do you believe that this weekend will be a good one for you? I think it will be the standard boring mediocre weekend I have every week due to having no friends in this country

40. Have you ever fallen asleep on someone? Yeah

41. Are all of your friends in relationships? About half of my close friends are

42. Would you ever eat a bug for 1000 dollars? Sure, give me 20 bugs and you won’t see me for 6 months because I’ll be off travelling. I hear fried crickets are pretty good.

43. What’s going on with you and the last person you messaged? Friend

44. Is your cell phone usually on vibrate or is the ringtone usually on? Ringtone, unless I’m on the train or something

45. Do you sext? I did once and I was surprisingly into it but I think that’s just bc I was really horny at time. Normally, it’s really not my thing.

46. Where are your biological parents? Their homes

47. Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? Money please. Could spend 5k on a second hand car and still have 35k spare

48. Did the last person you message, message you back? Not yet. Asleep I think

49. Tell me about the last conversation you had with the opposite sex. Wasn’t much of a conversation. It was a guy working in the cornerstore was helping me find a 6 pack of beer that was actually a full 6 pack. For some reason most of them had exactly one missing. I say it wasn’t much of a conversation, firstly because not much needed to be said, secondly we’d both be speaking our second (at least) language, and thirdly he’s deaf so I’m not sure how much he’d hear from me anyway.

50. What is something you always have with you? Internal organs

51. Are you thirsty? In both senses of the word, yes.

52. What room are you in? Bedroom. It’s too cold to not be under blankets.

53. Rice or beans? Rice AND beans (seriously, listen to that song. I heard played by a band in a little beach town in Costa Rica)

54. Last pair of shoes you wore? Maroon sneakers I got from Alcampo for like 7 euros

55. Do your parents swear? Dad sometimes, mum no

56. Are you comfortable doing things on your own or do you prefer to have company? I prefer company when I’m not at home.

57. Do you think travelling is something that every young person should do to gain life experience? If they can. But not everybody will appreciate it

58. Do you have a certain color grape you like the most? Both are good but I tend to buy red grapes with seeds because then they take me longer to eat and they’re a good snack to have while I watch tv shows to keep my hands busy

59. If you could kiss someone right now, who would it be? I’m not too fussy, anyone off the shortlist

60. Would you rather go to a party or go on a quiet date? Depends who the date is with. I do like parties.

61. Type in “[your name] needs” in the Google search: Maddie needs a daddy Reaction: Only if he pays well lmao

62. Type in “[your name] wants” in the Google search: Maddie wants a solo Reaction: a solo of what?

63. Type in “[your name] is” in the Google search: Maddie is back Reaction: Soon.

64. Type in “[your name] looks like” in Google search: Maddie looks like sharpay Reaction: Um?

65. Type in “[your name] does” in Google search: Maddie does mackenzie’s makeup Reaction: I don’t understand what this means. Is this like highschool musical or something?

66. Type in “[your name] hates” in Google search: Maddie hates dance moms Reaction: Can’t say I’ve ever seen it

67. Type in “[your name] goes” or “..has gone” in Google search: Maddie goes to jail Reaction: I wonder what I did

68. Type in “[your name] loves” in Google search: Maddie loves lip balm Reaction: In winter I sure do

69. Type in “[your name] makes” in Google search: Maddie makes friends Reaction: Aww :3

70. When was the last time you wore a Band-Aid and why? A long time ago (more than a year) and probably for a blister

71. A trip to California, the Bahamas, New York, Wisconsin, Utah, or Canada? Canada or NY.

72. Whose house were you at last, besides your own? I haven’t been to anybody’s house in months 73. Any big plans for this summer? Ugh I suppose I have another summer coming up if I’m going back to australia. Plans are working, drinking and trying not to lose my spanish skills 74. Who was the last person you were in a vehicle with other than family? Everybody on the metro today 75. What’s something you need to get done soon? Booking flight back to aus. Need to do some research and also borrow some money first 76. Is your best friend awake right now? She is. And she’s hungover as fuck and regretting everything 77. If I came to your house, could I find any kind of chocolate? There is half a block of dark chocolate w almonds and also a pack of oreos. 78. What size bed do you have? King. It’s amazing and I love it and I want to bring it to australia with me even though I don’t actually own this bed bc it came with the furnished apartment 79. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? According to facebook it was the friend I went to colombia with  80. Have you ever held a snake? Yeah 81. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? Sleepmasks when I’m doing shiftwork 82. Would you rather go to a beach, an amusement park, or a water park? Amusement park 83. Have you ever kissed under water? Only if a shower counts as technically being under water 84. Have you kissed anyone whose name starts with a M? Yeah 85. Camping with a ton of friends or hotel with a few friends? Camping. It’s cheaper and there’s more potential for misadventures 86. Do you have alcohol in your house? I have 4 beers left and no rum

87. Do you have anything to pay off? I owe mum some money and soon will owe dad too. Won’t take me long to pay it off once I’m back in aus though 88. What are you listening to? Mi Vida No Vale Nada - Genitallica 89. Where did you first hear this song? Youtube bc I was looking up bands that sing in spanish

Last 10 people in your Facebook messages inbox: I’m excluding group chats

1. Anna 2. Brenda 3. Caitlin 4. Dad 5. Joh 6. Torin 7. Maggie 8. Pegler 9. Jenn 10. Patrick

How long have you known 1? A couple of months

When did you meet 2? Probably when I was a baby. She’s one of dad’s friends

When was the last time you saw 3? April when she stayed in Barcelona for a couple of days

Have you and 4 ever gotten into trouble together before? Me and dad? Nah

How old is 5? 28

Have you ever taken a shower at 6’s house? No.

Have you ever taken a dump at 7’s house? christ, almost definitely

Have you ever thought about going out with 8? No, but we made out in a bar like 5 years ago

What about 9? No

Would you ever go out with 10 or ask 10 out? Soz bro, but no

What’s the best memory you have had with 1? We’ve actually only met once in person

What’s 2′s lastname? Lewis

Would you ever take a bullet for 3? Yes, I would take it off the table and walk over and give it to her. Taking a bullet for her.

What would you do if 4 died? Cry 

What would you do if you found out 5 killed someone that you were related to? Well first of all I’d be super pissed. 

Would you take care of 6 if they were sick? Hmm probs not

Would you kill 7 if it was the only way for your other friends to survive? I couldn’t do that. 

Has 8 ever cooked for you? We lived together for 3 years so probably at some point I’ve eaten something he cooked

How many times have you and 9 fought? Never?

Have you and 10 ever cried together? Only over how adorable mass effect characters are

Have you and 1 ever kissed? No

Do you ever dream of 2? No

Is 3 a boy? No.

Does 4 have any kids? well... me, for one.

Do you want to marry 5? There was an in-joke amongst our friends for quite a while that we were already married

Are 4 and 5 friends? No. They met once and Joh drunkenly cried about how he hated my dad bc he said something homophobic. Joh also had no memory of this the following morning.

Who is 6 going out with? No idea Is 7 a boy or girl? I think the best answer to this would be... no? What would you think if 8 became your stepbrother/sister? I’d be cool having him as a brother

What is a random fact about #10? He was once part of a viral tumblr post because he and his younger brother used to look very similar and they had the same profile picture (of the brother) for a while. I was actually there when that photo was taken. If #3 said they were in love with you, what would you say? She is in love with my netflix shirt Is #4 hott? *vomits all over the keyboard* Who is #5 best friends with? Meeeee. jk we’re close but I doubt I’m his best friend.  Does #6 have good fashion sense? Yes. I always feel like I just crawled out of the sewer when I stand next to him. Then again, each item of his clothing probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. Is #7 single? Yes Would #8 and #9 make a cute couple? A cattle farmer and a vegan? I don’t see that working out too well.

DAY 1 - 6

(Thu, 19 Sept - Tue, 24 Sept)

After a long day of travelling (14 hours!!!), I finally made it to Vancouver at 09:45 pm - yay, 15 minutes early! I had a layover in Calgary so I already did Immigration there which was actually quite nice. I’ve been stressing out about actually getting my visa approved basically for the whole flight to Calgary and long before that but in the end, everything went down smoothly. Of course - in hindsight, I don’t know what bad thing should have happened. The time my flight got in probably played a big role in me getting through Immigration quickly. I was with the Border Control Officer for maybe 15 minutes if at all and he didn’t even want to see any proof of insurance or anything, just my POE Letter.

So after that, it was so much more stress-free to take the 1 and a half hour flight to Vancouver. And since it was a domestic flight and I was through Immigration already, I could just go to pick up my luggage. And I finally saw my boyfriend again. God, that was the best sight ever after such a long time. We were separated by a wall that we technically could have crossed but officially weren’t allowed to until I had my luggage and got out of that area. But we got to hug already and hold hands and I just really fucking missed him.

It’s really crazy how every time we’re reunited, it feels like no time has passed at all even though the actual time we were apart when we were going through it felt so horribly long. But now that we were reunited again, it felt just like it had to be exactly that way. After six months, it was so so good to be able to hug him and kiss him again, and to see all the changes that are a lot more apparent when I’m not looking at him through a screen. Of course, as promised, we headed to A&W immediately so I could have my beloved Beyond Meat Burger again (it was as good as I remembered!) Then we headed back to his place, I got to see and pet his cat again (damn, I missed that fluff ball so much) and after lots of cuddling, we went to bed.

Now, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t start my year abroad with a bang. Literally. My boyfriend had to go to uni so I accompanied him and as we were heading up the escalators at the train station, I somehow tripped (don’t ask me how, I’m still trying to figure it out myself) and fell. Fucking hell, I don’t think my knees have ever hurt this much. My boyfriend was laughing of course - he also did when I fell down the stairs in Oslo lmao - and I was too but mainly so I wasn’t crying instead. It really fucking hurt and I quickly realised I couldn’t really move my right leg properly. Unfortunately, it took a little while until I got an ice pack for my knee and by that time my legs were already black and blue all over - spoiler alert: it just got worse in the following days but at least I could move normally again the next day. So basically, I spent my first full day in Canada in agony. Honestly, I’m not too surprised.

I actually have to fight quite a bit with jetlag. I’m awake pretty early and then could fall asleep (and did fall asleep) at around 6 or 7 pm. Hopefully, that will be over soon.

Saturday, my boyfriend and I didn’t really do much. We mostly just hung out at home before we went to ICBC Driver Licensing in the afternoon to inquire about how I could get a BC licence. Turns out that was pretty easy luckily - honestly, I’ll probably have more troubles getting my German one back when I return. And we also went to A&W again! (Am I obsessed? Most definitely.)

And then Sunday was the day I finally met my host family. It was actually so nice to pack my bags at my boyfriend’s place but not feel sad because I was leaving indefinitely. Living just about half an hour away from each other is honestly the best thing ever. My boyfriend dropped me off at my new home - my host mum made a comment about how he could have helped me with the suitcases and how there were no gentlemen left these days, it was hilarious tbh. So I met my host mum and the family dog (little cutie!!) first while my host kid was still napping. I immediately felt welcome in the family, sitting down to chat a bit with my host mum while the kid was slowly waking up. He was a bit shy with me at first and putting on quite the show which quickly escalated and got a bit too much for everyone involved. I then had some time to unpack while my host mum rested and that was also when my host kid slowly warmed up to me and started talking to me. He helped me with unpacking (even though I later had to rearrange my drawers lmao because he does not know how to put clothes into drawers efficiently). For dinner, we went to a place I thought was quite fancy but very nice. Awesome view of the mountains and river - which, I was told, would have been even better if the weather had been nice. I also met a woman who is much like a grandma to my host kid and she was also very friendly and made me feel welcome. Even though at that point I was so exhausted from all the new impressions and travelling still that socialising was a bit much for me.

Monday was my first official day of work. But it started out easy enough. I came to pre school with my host mum and kid so I could be introduced to the teachers and see where the school was and everything and after that my host mum and I ran some errands. Most importantly, actually getting my German drivers licence exchanged for a BC one. After that we did some grocery shopping and then it was already time again to pick up my host child. When we returned home, he and I had some time alone together because the mother had an appointment. Naturally, I had a crying child on my hands right on my first day. At least, it wasn’t my fault. He got a little too excited playing that he hit himself in the back with a hard object. Interestingly enough, I felt less overwhelmed with the situation than when I had a crying child on my first day during my first aupair experience. Of course, I’m six years older now and back then, I had my two host children plus two of their friends on the first day. It’s much more easy going this time around - in all aspects. Besides that little incident, the first day went pretty good and I was just really exhausted by the end of it.

Today (Tuesday), my host kid and I spent even more time alone together. In the morning, we took a short trip to the park and when we returned back home, we were playing for a bit before I made lunch for him and then tried to get him to take a nap. It was quite the challenge! I think it took about an hour until he settled down enough to even attempt to fall asleep. But he eventually did. It was a little weird for me to have a sleeping child on the couch while I had no idea what to do because I was scared if I made the tiniest movement or noise, he’d wake up. Which of course wasn’t the case and I could easily just leave the room. Well, he’s not the only one who needs some getting used to to the new situation. But I think we’ll both handle it very well. My host mum bought a new car today since the old one that I was supposed to drive died shortly before I arrived. I haven’t driven the car yet (and I’m a little, let’s say intimidated by the prospect of doing so) but it’s a cool car and not too big so I should be okay. We’ll see how that goes tomorrow.

Burger Count: 2

stop just a minute (we’ve got so much time)

name: lee/sungjong

from/to: icn/jfk

depart: 16:00

flight: kal81

the day sungjong leaves for new york is a big affair. howon rides in the sunggyu’s car with woohyun, myungsoo, and dongwoo. sungjong and sungyeol are in the car in front of them along with their parents, sungjong and sungyeol’s maternal grandmother, and all of sungjong’s luggage. even though sungjong and sungyeol’s grandmother and mother are barely holding back tears and won’t let sungjong out of their arms even as he laughs and continuously repeats that phones exist for a reason, the general atmosphere isn’t a sad one.

sungjong is right, after all - there are phones and computers and they’ll all be able to hear his voice and see his face as many times as they want and need to. he’ll be back between semesters for a month at a time, and for the summer for an entire three months.

after he checks in, they all walk him to the security gate to say their final goodbyes. howon stands back, almost to the side, and watches as everyone else hugs and kisses him - the youngest out of all of them, the last one they watched walk across that familiar platform in their high school to receive his diploma just a few months ago.

his carry-on is just a backpack - not the one he used for school, but a new one that sungyeol had bought for him when sungjong first received the acceptance letter to this program. he’s almost an entire head taller than howon now, even though when they just met, he’d only had a few centimeters on him. sungjong has also begun to lose his cheeks, the baby fat clinging to his jaw almost completely gone, and howon tries to ignore the pang in his chest when he thinks about how he won’t see sungjong finish growing up - he won’t be there.

he uses the time it takes for sungjong’s parents, grandmother, and the others to be completely satisfied in how much they’ve mussed his hair and nearly suffocated him to swallow down the rest of those feelings. this is going to be quite possibly a life-changing experience for sungjong, and he’s worked sleepless night upon sleepless night for this, and howon wants him to take the world by storm like he inevitably always would.

“this is a special occasion so don’t think i’ll let you touch him ever again,” sungyeol says, shoving howon forward by the back of his head. howon grins back at his friend, as he feels sungjong tugging him in by the arm.

he lets sungjong wrap his long arms around howon’s neck, face buried against the side of howon’s hair. howon pulls his own arms tight around sungjong’s waist and breathes in the scent he won’t smell again until december. “don’t eat too much shake shack,” howon says into sungjong’s neck. he feels the younger boy shake with laughter against him. “you won’t grow taller forever.”

“i’ll smuggle some back for you, hyung,” comes the reply as sungjong pulls away and smiles at him, eyes just a little wetter than they should be.

howon smiles back and pushes him with both of his hands on the omega’s back. “hurry up,” he says, as much of a laugh in his voice as he can inject without feeling his own eyes get too warm.

once sungjong is out of sight, howon feels woohyun’s hand squeeze his shoulder and sungyeol’s hand firm on his back. howon puts his hands in his pockets and turns to face them. myungsoo isn’t crying as hard as sungjong’s mother and grandmother are, but it’s a close call. “wanna get drunk?” woohyun slings an arm around howon’s neck.

howon glances at him with a half-smile. “you bet.”

03:18 d-4: hyung did u want the white one and sunggyu-hyung the red one 03:18 d-4: or is it the other way around 03:19 d-4: or did woohyun-hyung want the red one 03:21 ya lee howon: they r all for me 03:21 ya lee howon: only me 03:23 d-4: lol hyung srsly 03:24 ya lee howon: ur bringing both back either way 03:24 ya lee howon: we can fight for who gets which 03:25 d-4: hyungs battling to the death for hats 03:25 d-4: im down 03:25 d-4: pls provide popcorn 03:26 ya lee howon: no 03:27 d-4: no popcorn? :( 03:28 ya lee howon: hyungs battling for whatevers left 03:28 ya lee howon: i get first picks 03:28 ya lee howon: bc u love me most 03:28 ya lee howon: :) 03:29 d-4: i love whoever pays me back first 03:30 ya lee howon: u kno i’ll pay u back first and best :)) 03:32 d-4: lmao 03:33 d-4: ok fine 03:33 d-4: but only bc u drive a hard bargain 03:33 d-4: go to sleep 03:34 d-4: u have class in like 4 hrs 03:34 d-4: hyung omg 03:36 ya lee howon: miss u 03:37 d-4: SLEEP :( NOW 03:37 d-4: OR IM GIVING ALL THE HATS TO SUNGGYU-HYUNG 03:43 ya lee howon: the things i do for supreme 03:44 d-4: don’t let the sungyeol-hyung bugs bite 04:51 d-4: i miss u too

name: lee/sungjong

from/to: lhr/icn

depart: 9:30

flight: kl 856

there isn’t usually much traffic once howon gets out of the city itself onto the larger roads that lead him from seoul to incheon, but at around four in the morning, even the bit of traffic he usually encounters coming out of seoul is hardly there. it takes less than an hour today to get to the airport, and by the time he does, the first few barest rays of dawn are starting to peek through into the sky. he hadn’t slept at all tonight, afraid that he’d miss his alarm if he did.

he had work to get done anyway, and just started on whatever he needed to get through for next week once he had finished that in order to keep himself awake until it was time to leave.

the airport is as empty as the roads, the red-eye flights just beginning to land and most coming in on those planes are businessmen with chauffeurs from agencies and hotels waiting for them, holding placards with last names on them. howon goes to the board of arrivals, looking to make sure that sungjong’s flight was still due to land on time and to see which gate he needed to wait at.

even there, howon is fairly sure that he’s the only person who isn’t in a suit with a name-board. he takes his phone from the back pocket of his jeans. there aren’t any new messages he can look through because no one is awake at this hour, obviously. the last messages he received were from sungjong just before he’d gotten on the flight, nearly twelve hours ago. howon had sent him back suggestions for where sungjong wanted to eat once he returned, since more often than not, sungjong is hungrier for korean food than he is for sleep whenever he arrives.

sungjong had gotten on the plane and turned off his phone before he could read those messages, but now, when howon checks the chat, they’ve been read, which means sungjong’s flight really is on time, and he’s landed already - most probably reading the messages while waiting for his bags or during immigration.

people begin coming out of the gate about an hour after the arrival time that had been listed on the board. howon tucks his phone back into his jeans, hands in the pockets of his jacket as he bounces up and down on the heels of his feet, waiting.

the first time sungjong came home - from new york, after his two years abroad - they had all come to pick him up along with sungjong’s parents in the same way that they’d sent him off. it was like that when sungjong had gone off again two years later and when he returned a few weeks later. after three, four, five times, once it became sungjong’s steady career, and he began living with howon, it was either just howon or sometimes howon and sungyeol, or one of the others whenever howon just couldn’t make it himself.

sungjong insisted for a time that it was ridiculous and he could take himself to and from the airport by taxi, but howon thinks that’s more ridiculous and said exactly that to sungjong’s exasperated smile.

for the most part, howon knows sungjong understands now that howon does this almost as much for himself as he does for sungjong. from time to time, however, like yesterday, sungjong still tries to get howon to let sungjong take a cab. i’m going to land at five in the morning and you had meetings all week, hyung, sungjong had said, as howon watched him pack through his laptop screen.

you know we just eat and fuck around at those, howon had joked, grinning, and curling his fingers against the cotton of his joggers beneath the table - far from what the camera of his laptop could capture, where sungjong couldn’t see. he’d watched sungjong roll his eyes and smile back, not pushing further because even when sungjong had once told howon point-blank that sungjong was going to walk straight past howon and take a taxi even if he was there, howon had still come anyway, dragged a laughing sungjong to his car, and demanded that sungjong pay a fare since, after all, sungjong wanted to take a taxi so badly.

yesterday, howon had watched sungjong sitting on his suitcase, stomping on his suitcase, lying stomach down on his suitcase in an attempt to get it to shut, and he’d laughed and told sungjong that the omega was far too light to make even the slightest difference in getting it to shut - as well as asking him if he was trying to sneak in an entire year’s supply of fish and chips. he’d watched sungjong, and tried not to think about how, if he was there, he’d have jumped next to sungjong on top of the suitcase and they would’ve pressed it down together, each of them clicking the fastening closest to their hands.

he’d watched sungjong climb into bed holding the laptop and couldn’t help himself from imagining himself lying there beside him, one arm thrown over his stomach and the other pulling the blanket over both of them. he’d watched sungjong fall asleep through the screen of his laptop, and his finger hovered over his mouse pad for far too long before he brought himself to end the call.

“hyung!”

he hears him before he sees him.

there are more people than he expected now pouring out of the automatic double doors, and it takes him a moment before he sees the long, thin arm waving at him and the familiar suitcases piled on the luggage cart. he’s running in through the crowd before he knows it, around the cart and then his arms are around a small, warm waist and his face is pressed into a soft neck and he’s inhaling the scent of home.

18:13 overrated tokyo banana: flight got delayed 18:13 overrated tokyo banana: 4hr delay 18:16 bring me tokyo banana: shit 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: they said there might be more delays 18:17 overrated tokyo banana: bc it’s snowing so bad 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: hyung i think u shouldn’t come 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: i’ll just take a cab 18:18 overrated tokyo banana: if we even take off today 18:20 bring me tokyo banana: it’s fine 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: i’ll catch dinner 18:21 bring me tokyo banana: keep me updated 18:22 bring me tokyo banana: it’s snowing p badly here 2 20:01 overrated tokyo banana: idk if u alr saw but we r snowed in 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: i saw yeah 20:02 bring me tokyo banana: did they say when the next plane can leave? 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: no…. 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: they said they r moving us out 20:03 overrated tokyo banana: theres a hotel next to the airport i think they r gonna shuttle us there 20:07 bring me tokyo banana: call me when u get there or if anything else happens

sungjong doesn’t come home until new year’s.

howon had planned to take him out that night, christmas eve night, that sungjong should have landed had the snowstorm not escalated into the worst blizzard that both seoul and tokyo had seen in a fair decade. he’d planned to take sungjong to the christmas festival that they used to go to together when sungjong was in university, and then to see the display of christmas trees that had been put up near the square of shops beside their apartment complex.

sungyeol and myungsoo had also thrown a christmas party, expecting sungjong to have been home by then, and while they all still laughed and talked and drank until it wasn’t even christmas anymore, howon knows he isn’t the only one that felt the empty space - that they were all missing the person they were supposed to tease mercilessly and lovingly.

sungjong had video-called howon from the hotel room the airport had put him in later that night, the night he was supposed to come home. i had to wash my boxers in the sink and dry them on a chair, he’d said to howon’s unsympathetic guffawing. no stores are open so i couldn’t even buy new underwear, hyung, stop laughing.

that night howon listened to a good, solid two hours of sungjong ranting about the inadequacies of the airport staff and the various people who he’d watched make scenes in the middle of the airport and also the hotel lobby - from entertaining and dramatic to full-blown annoying and inconsiderate to the fact that everyone is stuck because of the snow and everyone had places to be.

maybe i should’ve just hopped on my suitcase and rowed my way back - it’s not that far, right? sungjong joked wearily, leaning back on the pillows and pulling his laptop closer to himself on the bed.

this is why you almost failed physics if it weren’t for me, howon teased, and sungjong smiled.

i almost failed physics even with you, hyung.

howon didn’t remember who had fallen asleep first that night. he just remembered waking up to his laptop having hibernated on its own, and a slew of messages in all of the chats he was in - from his group chat with woohyun and sungyeol, telling him to remember to bring quality alcohol or he’s not allowed in the house, to myungsoo reminding him to bring enough alcohol for the two of them once everyone else has passed out, to sunggyu threatening him not to give sunggyu presents for his unborn children because there’s been enough of that and to bring sunggyu something, to dongwoo pleading for him to bring food because no one else will remember to.

he opened all of the messages but replied to none of them yet.

before he went back to sort anything else out, he opened the messages he had saved for last.

08:22 i hate snow: merry christmas hyung!! !!!!!! 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:38 i hate snow: Image sent. 08:40 i hate snow: have fun getting trashed 08:41 i hate snow: beat myungsoo-hyung this time

they were photos of sungjong out in the snow, despite what he had changed his name in the chat to while howon was asleep. howon still has those photos saved to his phone, unable to stop flipping back and forth through them as he waits now at the gate for sungjong to arrive finally - six days later than he was supposed to be home, but howon would rather wait as long as it took if that meant sungjong would be flown over in safer weather.

howon assumes sungjong had taken these photos somewhere near the hotel - possibly just even in the parking lot or on the sidewalk, even though it really was snowing so hard, howon could barely make out sungjong’s face through the snowflakes and wind blowing his scarf around his face. it had snowed straight through the next three days before the storm finally stopped, and then it took another three days before conditions were safe enough and the weather wasn’t too dangerous for the engines.

sungjong had told howon yesterday that he was going to be on the first flight out the following day, and howon had only barely been able to sleep.

he’s done this so many times now - he’s fairly sure a good portion of the airport staff around all shifts know him - the people who work the bakeries and cafes around the perimeter of the arrival gates definitely know him, but for some reason, his heart still pounds loudly in his chest whenever he’s waiting for sungjong.

he’ll never say it’s easy because it isn’t. none of this is ever easy, and all of it has been so romanticised, but there is nothing fun or romantic or sweet about having lived together with sungjong for so many years now - the omega’s name is on the lease along with howon’s - but it hardly feels like they’ve shared a home at all. absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder is a load of bullshit because all sungjong’s absence does is make howon miss him so much, there are times he’ll just be gazing into sungjong’s eyes through the screen of his laptop or phone, and the realization of the situation will hit him with crippling pain - that sungjong is miles upon miles away and howon isn’t looking into his eyes - just an image inside a machine.

there have been so many people who have no idea what it’s like giving howon advice - whether it’s from his colleagues, to friends of friends who hear about his and sungjong’s situation from the others, to his brothers, to even his relatives. some of them have told him it’ll get easier, some of them have told him that long-distance strengthens relationships.

he doesn’t think it’ll ever get easier, and he doesn’t think he’s in any place to judge how strong or weak he and sungjong are together.

all he knows is that no matter how hard it gets -

“good news or bad news first,” sungjong breathes against howon’s shoulder, seconds after the omega has thrown himself straight into howon, backpack half off his shoulders and suitcase crashed to the floor at their feet.

howon clenches his eyes shut and holds sungjong so tightly that he’s pretty sure the straps of sungjong’s backpack will leave indents in howon’s arms even through the sleeves of the alpha’s thick coat. “my tokyo bananas got squished?”

“okay - that was the bad news,” sungjong’s voice is more muffled now because both he and howon are hugging each other so closely, howon doesn’t think he could breathe even if he tried. “the good news is - “

“you’re home?” howon asks, and lets sungjong pull away slightly - just enough so he can look up into the younger man’s face.

sungjong presses his smile against howon’s mouth briefly - too, too briefly. “that, too,” the omega says, “but also, sunggyu-hyung’s box wasn’t squished so we can just give him the squished ones.”

when howon surges forward to kiss sungjong back this time, sungjong’s beanie flies off his head.

name: lee/howon

from/to: icn/cdg

depart: 22:00

flight: tk 89

“you know,” sungyeol says, as he walks howon down to the security checkpoint, “i should technically be ripping your boarding pass in half right about now.”

howon grins. “you know, he’s going to come home in a week so regardless, in about a week’s time, you’re going to be seeing that ring on his finger and - regardless - soon we’re gonna be a real fami - “

“literally, you disgust me,” sungyeol cuts him off. “i should have killed you and fed your remains to my cats while i had the chance, but now my parents are expecting sungjong to come back engaged and he can’t be engaged to a box of organs.”

even though there are still quite a fair few people in the airport at this time of night, not yet so late that the flow of flights has slowed, it’s quieter than the usual hustle and bustle during peak time a few hours ago in the evening and late afternoon. the workers at the cafe howon always gets coffee from, sometimes with sungjong and sometimes for sungjong, while he’s waiting actually stared at him for a good few seconds upon seeing his suitcase as he and sungyeol grabbed a quick bite before going to check howon in.

he has a long wait until his flight actually leaves because it’s an international flight and he had to arrive two hours beforehand to get his boarding pass, so he plans to eat more once he’s inside and there are more actual restaurants. he’ll eat his fill at the airport and then opt out of eating on the plane. he plans to attempt to sleep as much as he can to minimize his jet lag once he arrives, although he has a feeling that no matter how exhausted he is when he gets there, he won’t be able to feel any of the tiredness.

howon pauses when they arrive at the passageway that leads into security. he turns to face sungyeol, and his best friend is looking back at him with some combination of exasperation, pride, and affection. “wish me luck,” howon says.

sungyeol snorts, yanking him forward into a hug and thumping his back fiercely. “you don’t need it, you cradlerobber.”

09:13 hoguma: r u up 09:18 jjongah: yeah 09:18 jjongah: we have today off 09:18 jjongah: skype? 09:20 hoguma: can u get the door first 09:20 jjongah: what 09:21 hoguma: get the door

when sungjong opens the door, he yells so loudly that howon has to push him into the room and close the door behind them before kissing him silent so that they don’t startle the entire floor. sungjong stares, open-mouthed at howon, nearly stuttering when he asks faintly what howon is doing here - in paris - when he had told sungjong just two days ago that he would be in jeju for a conference.

sungjong is still in thin, gray joggers and a black t-shirt. his hair is wet and messy, and howon is fairly sure that he’d just woken up an hour before howon had messaged him. howon himself had arrived near the middle of the night, getting to the airport hotel sometime early in the morning, showering, and eating quickly before driving into the city. he’d only slept on the plane, over twelve hours ago now, but he’s never felt more awake in his life.

howon answers without words what he flew out of the country for - he answers with a broad grin as he lowers himself onto one knee in front of the person he’s loved for the past ten years of his life and that he’ll love for hundreds more. he opens the box he’d brought all the way from their home, thousands of miles away, and he says, “i promise to follow you wherever you go, if you promise to always come home to me.”

something between a gasp and a sob slips past sungjong’s lips before he presses the back of his hand over his mouth, eyebrows furrowing like he’s determined not to cry even though that’s a fairly lost cause, in howon’s opinion, judging by the way the younger man’s eyes are already brimming. “will you marry me, lee sungjong?”

howon barely gets the entire name out before he’s being kissed within an inch of his life. the ring nearly goes flying out of howon’s hand from the force that sungjong throws himself forward with. howon lands flat on his back on the floor, toppling over with sungjong on top of him, dampness forming against the collar of howon’s shirt.

“yes,” sungjong whispers, leaning back and smiling, swiping at the wetness on his face with the back of his hand. howon catches the tears with his thumb. “yes,” sungjong repeats, louder, voice slightly hoarse before he dips in and covers howon’s mouth with his own.

Found this gem from my trip

March 30, 2017 I am definitely still on CT time even though I only took a short nap when I got here yesterday and went to bed at a decent hour after walking around for 4 hours. I slept until 2 o'clock London time, which is 10am at home. I randomly woke up at 3:30 am and didn't fall asleep until 6am. That's when I sort of decided to skip my Stonehenge day trip. Part of it was avoidance behavior bc I didn't want to interact with my roommates and part of it was discomfort with the idea of navigating so far away from the city. As much as I wanted to see it, I don't really regret sleeping in (a faux pas of traveling). I obviously needed the sleep and I had more time to explore London, which is the reason I am here at all. March 31, 2017 I wanted to walk to Westminster alley and go to the free war museum on the way, but ended up strolling through a beautiful park and ended up walking an hour in the opposite direction through a residential community. I stand by my previous assessment. Observing the locals is by far more stimulating than the tourist spots. Pretty much everyone I met was nice. One gentleman passed by me twice and asked if I lived in the area bc he thought he recognized me. I said no but that we had just walked past each other prior and he smiled and told me to have a nice walk. Wandered around until I wound up in Westminster anyway and only came across two rude Brits. A couple of women who acknowledged my request for directions and proceeded to ignore me. I've seemed to have developed a sense of direction though and didn't need them. The architecture is UNREAL. Dad would love it. My parents are saviors and added the international unlimited plan to my line. It's a little pricey, but essential. I didn't realize how vital my iPhone would be. Citymapper is an absolute lifesaver. And I know my mom tracks my on Find my Friends. My original plan was to buy a local SIM card, as advised by many travel blogs and my cellphone service provider, but it was such a rip off. I misheard the salesman and thought I was getting 1GB of data but it was only 50mb. I used that in one day! And after that I kept getting texts saying the price per additional MB was increasing. Total. B.S. never use Vodafone. April 1, 2017 I continue to wake up at weird hours but am definitely getting better. Had to get up at 830 today to be ready for check out at 10. Hopefully that will put me on a good sleep schedule. And I definitely dehydrated the first two days. I need to be better about filling my water bottles. And eating. I have been in London for...24 hours now, and I have eaten a 6" meatball sub from subway and a chewy granola bar. Half of it was being tired and not hungry and the other part was idk. Currently trying to charge up all my devices. Tourist mistake #1: the outlets here have on/off switches. I have been waiting for my devices to charge for an hour. Never turned on the switch 🙄 glad I have the time to wait. I am going to hop on the bus and check out Buckingham palace before I head to the airport. I have almost all of the money I put in my Oyster card left still bc I have walked everywhere thus far so I want to use it. And I get a little more exploring with limited time. I am only three days into my trip and I already feel like I have learned a lot. Traveling alone is...quiet and a little daunting at times. I have moments of insecurity about my ability to navigate transportation and flights and reservations and money. But it's not as hard as it seems. And I know that I will achieve a new level of confidence by the end of this adventure. I am beginning to realize that this is exactly what I am meant to do at this point in my life. I am where I am supposed to be. *Also April 1, 2017 Jk this day is a wash. Lol. Being my last day in London, I set out to find fish and chips. I have been looking for it since I arrived bc my mom insists that it will change my life, but the tantalizing noms have eluded me. I literally starved myself bc I knew that as soon as I ate something, I would come across it in my travels. FISH AND CHIPS WAS THE ONLY GOAL OF THE DAY! Instead of walking aimlessly, I decided to ride a double decker, an experience in itself. The combination of starvation and motion sickness did me dirty and I puked all over myself and the bus. Luckily my stomach was so empty it was mostly just bile. Obviously I got off the bus. I had to half strip in the street bc the puke got into my camisole and I was in a residential neighborhood with no public restrooms. But I had my whole pack with me so I cleaned myself up pretty well considering. Even that couldn't detour me from my mission to find the fish and chips though and I marched onward. Unfortunately I marched straight into a ghetto ass neighborhood. I didn't feel unsafe per se, but I was definitely on guard. Still, I could find no fish and chips and I worried about my blood sugar so I ate my second subway sub in London. My adventure did bring me to meet a very pleasant gentleman who sat at the table with me. We never even exchanged names, but we talked about the political climate of the world, Brexit and Trump mostly. And when it was clear to him that I was quite lost, he walked me to the train station and directed me to the best route to arrive at Gatwick airport. I had to abandon my fruitless search for fish and chips, but figured it best to cut my losses. I am not even going to bother explaining in detail how I ride the same train up and down the line looking for the airport. It was across the way from a ginormous green field with horses, so of course I was distracted. I got there eventually, and had some pleasant small talk with two beautiful women in the way. Hannah and... I forgot. Hannah reminded me of Caitlin so I remember her. The day continued to suck once I got to the airport. Gatwick has the WORST schematics of any airtime have ever seen. It was hell trying to find the check in counter. Normally I avoid checking in person, and I almost never check luggage, by printing my boarding pass at home, but the airline is Spanish and I couldn't figure out how, even if I did have a printer. Then security tells me I have too many liquids bc they have stricter policies than the US. So I went back to the check in counter. Waited in line. Checked the bag. Had to bring it to the oversized bag place bc it was a backback and might get stuck in the conveyor belt. And all three oversized bag counters had no idea which airline they represented. So that was annoying. AFTER ALL THAT I made it thru security and chilled in the terminal, which looked like a fucking mall and was totally ridiculous, bc the airline wouldn't post the gate for my flight until 30 minutes prior to boarding. Smooth sailing from there tho. Flight was fine. Got my bag and a taxi bc it was too late to try and figure out the transportation. My hostel was...a bit of a startle. I was spoiled in London. At night the location appeared sketchy, and the doorman was...eh. Not rude, but not a ray of sunshine. The key to my door has a certain knack to it that I couldn't really figure out until the next day and the rooms were TINY. Bathrooms weren't a sesspool, nor would I walk barefoot...or touch anything more than necessary. I got a kick out of the shower though. Two tiny little stalls with a curtain for a floor with at least 20 rooms and four people to a room. Fuck modestly tho. A shower is a shower. April 2, 2017 Funny how one day can shake your confidence. I had a sort of crappy day traveling from London to Barcelona yesterday and woke up disheartened today. Didn't really even muster up the enthusiasm to explore until the afternoon. April 3, 2017 Guess I didn't feel like writing yesterday. Glad I got out and about to shake off my funk. Barcelona really is gorgeous!! More beautiful than London by far. I could live very happily here. I only wish Spanish people were friendlier. I smile at people and they give me dirty looks. And the men are pigs. More so than usual. People complain about the prices but I think it's all very reasonable. I bought some fresh fruit, a soda, and a giant bottle of water for 3.4 E and now I'm sitting at a cute little umbrella having the most delicious chicken risotto ever for like ... 13 bucks. Why isn't American food this good?! Even made with frozen veggies, this dish is great. Served under a cabana on a gorgeous strip lined with palm trees. I wasn't particularly hungry but I want to see the nightlife. And show my French roommates that I'm not a shut in. They leave stupid early in the morning and come back crazy late. They probably think I never leave. I obviously do but it's amazing how time slows down when you're exploring. Sometimes it feels like I've been walking around all day but it's only 4 hours. I havent broken my habit of sleeping on. I felt guilty for a while, but I've realized that this is my journey and I can do what I want. I'm not a museum or church touring type. I honestly just enjoy absorbing the atmosphere and casually finding the sights on my own terms. I don't feel rushed and I don't feel like I'm missing out bc so much can be done in a short time. Plus Barcelona never sleeps so I can stay up and out as late as I want. The restaurants don't even close until midnight. The clubs don't even START until 2-3am. Too late for my taste. Thankfully I'm not really a clubber. I haven't even had anything to drink since I left home. It's not in the budget. Speaking of budget, I think I'm doing pretty darn well. All things included I have spent 350 (rounded up about 30 just in case) in 6 days including the first day, which was mostly spent in JFK or in the air. But money was spent so it counts! Well. I have eaten a real meal. Maybe not a traditional Spanish one. Idk. I never know what to order. But I'm going back to my room I think. Tomorrow I should go to the beach. It's literally right down the street. This location really is perfect. April 4, 2017 It wasn't a beach. It was port vell. Which I am only slightly disappointed about. I had no intention of laying on the beach or swimming, but Barcelona has reignited my creativity. I would have love to photograph a beautiful beach. I might attempt to climb montjuic, if I can figure out how to get there. I have heard that it's a brutal climb. Ive also heard the panoramic view is worth the effort. Currently I am sitting on a bench under a balm tree with my back to the ocean eating an orange I bought yesterday. I forgot how much I love the smell of the ocean. So many people are walking by all these beautiful things without really noticing. We take so much for granted in this world. How unappreciative we are to have become desensitized to it all. This is why I wanted to go on this trip. The sights and attractions are great, but it is so rare to find a quiet sense of wonder like I have on a bench at a busy intersection. I crave reaffirmation that life is more than ordinary if I am brave enough to seek out the extraordinary. I want this inner peace to grow strong like a nurtured muscle and always carry it with me. Between the change of diet and exercise, this trip will jump start my journey to a healthier body. And this journal will jump start a a life long journey to a healthier soul. On a lighter subject, my roommates were not French. They were from Belarus and spoke Russian. How I mixed that up I have no idea. They were such a cute couple: Iliad and ??? Literally. They were both hot AF. Their dream is to bike across the US from Atlantic to Pacific. But they left this morning and two new guys checked in. One of them is staying at the hostel bc he just got divorced and was running around to job interviews. Idk anything about the other. He ran away pretty quick. Doubt I'll really get to talk to either bc I'm leaving very late tonight. Sort of dreading the task of finding my way back to the airport. I have spent three days in Barcelona without needing transportation and I would hate to have to purchase a pass now. My moment of introspection is fading. Time to wander some more and continue my quest for inner tranquility. At least I know my way around now without a GPS. I discovered a whole new section of las ramblas! It's all twisty narrow side streets and boutiques. For the first time time flew by. I was in my zone photographing the streets. I love the mix of nature, modern, and traditional. This is probably the main tourist area and I only just discovered it. Lol. It doesn't matter bc nothing caught my eye. Although I did really love this one art gallery I found on a particularly quiet street. It only features local artists and the displays were beautiful! If I had the money and room to show them off I would buy one. I did get a business card however. I also think I made tourist mistake #3. The hostel cleaned out my bunk. I think I was supposed to check out this morning. But whatever. I'm already being charged I'm sure so I might as well stay until tonight. (False: hostel is super chill and let me keep my locker in my room until I'm ready to leave.) I'll chill out at the airport until my flight in the morning. So ready for Paris!! This trip is turning out to be pretty incredible. My favorite spot in Barcelona is a tucked away courtyard garden behind the public library. It smells like jasmine and you can't hear the city. I can tell it is a local hiding spot bc old men come to play life sized chess and students sit on the stone perimeter to do homework. Tourists pass through, but it's too perfect to breeze by IMO. Meandering slowly around the city today has easily been the best of my three days here, each better than the last. Idt it's possible to run out of things to see. Not even tourist areas, but just wandering through the maze of adorable side streets and shops. Every turn is basically a new street but it's impossible to get lost. Technically I didn't "accomplish" anything today, but I think I connected to the city more. Posing in front of monuments does nothing for me. This is where it's at. On the other hand, I'm ready to move on. Barcelona is amazing, but there are many more amazing places to see. Leading up to my departure from the states, everyone kept asking me why I would ever want to travel alone. YOURE A SOLO WOMAN! They would try and reason. Not only does that line of thinking disgust and infuriate me, but I also pity these people. Only someone who has completely shed the comfort of the familiar will understand the freedom that comes with embracing the bumpy road. I've always been laid back, but even I have had to roll with a few punches. Anything can happen: good or bad. It doesn't matter though because it hasn't happened yet. It's awe inspiring to know that I did this. I made this happen. I worked for it, planned it, and I'm doing it. I wish everyone could feel how I feel. It's a subtle, sustaining satisfaction but better than brief bursts of ecstasy. A last minute perusal of las ramblas found a nice Spanish restaurant. It looked authentic like online. Tiny portions of excellent food. Sort of pricey. I got the calamari tapa and 7 rings of fried squid cost 6.5 euros. In all fairness though, it was cut thicker than we do in the US and only lightly battered. It was very good with lemon and I am totally satisfied bc I have eaten close to nothing in a week, with that one exception. I also hailed my first cab! I think I looked like a natural 😉 but I also get the impression that the taxi I took LEAVING the airport when I got here ripped me off. Shouldn't cost 25% more to leave the airport than to get there. Lesson learned. Let's call it travel mistake #4 On to travel mistakes 5 & 6: i messed up the days for my hostel and had to check out (they would have let me stay, but I kinda just wanted to get going) and I got to the airport at 11PM for a 7AM flight. I intended to just nap in the terminal but the airport is taking a siesta. For real. There's no one here. I guess they don't have nighttime flights?!? Whatever. I have my kindle charged and aderall if I need to stay awake. April 5, 2017 Happiness is fleeting so what's the point. Minor existential meltdown in the airport at three AM. Can't decide if any of this is worth it. Enjoying all these beautiful places only really feels good in the present. Bliss becomes depression the moment the wonder of it all wears off and then I'm off to another city. I can't seem to stay present. But I keep trying to recapture happiness. As if happiness really existed. Even strangers ask me why I am so sad. I brush it off like I am tired. In truth I'm just tired of being sad. Omfg. Literally two seconds later and the most perfect song comes on "I hope you dance". Thanks universe. I needed this 😘 b/t the very uplifting songs that keep popping up and a review of the pictures I've taken so far, I think I've figured out why I love photography, amateur it may be. My photos are MINE. I took them bc I saw something inspiring and they always bring that feeling back. It doesn't matter if no one else "gets" them bc they're for me. I think the concept I struggle with is that there are no answers. I like answers. I like knowing how and why things are the way they are. But there is no reason. There is no god or higher power. Happiness is a snapshot. It only takes a second, but you hold onto it to get you through all the bullshit. Eventually your life is a collage of snapshots. And I think that's pretty cool bc they're the only things that matter in the end. So take your happiness while you can and self-sooth when you can't. Am I distancing myself? Omg sleep deprivation fucks me up. That was some heavy shit out of no where. Doesn't matter cause I'm in PARIS BABY!! Literally too tired to muster up an ounce of enthusiasm. I barely remember how I got here from the airport. I have an hour and a half to check in and then I'm sleeping. I can explore Paris at night. God DAYUM. French cops walk around with big guns. Why are all the foreign cops so hot... Went for a late night walk. Grody. Paris is dirty and the men are gross. Crêpe was good. Kinda scary at night. April 6, 2017 Paris has been a disappointment. Totally overrated. I'm glad I can say that I've been here and I have selfies with the Arch de Triumphe and the Effiel tower, but that's it. I didn't connect at all. There was no authenticity imo. I walked around for a good 6 hours and it didn't really impress me in the least. I was more impressed with the most amazing orange I have ever eaten. Literally orgasmic. And i ate a whole baguette. I never knew that bread could taste EVEN BETTER. Both of which I bought from a tiny market a few doors down from my hostel. Even so far removed from the city center, this area is my favorite. It's dirtier than the tourist spots but has more character. I have been propositioned by two men in my 1 + 1/2 days here. Like, really. One rando stopped me on the street and I have no idea what he was talking about. The other was a street artist I bought a couple doodles from. He was talking about how French men are different from American men bc the French make love with their tongue....and then he asked what his chances were. I said none. I was gay and that I was leaving now. I do really love this hostel tho. Might be my favorite. I showered and got pretty to socialize at the downstairs bar but ended up sitting on the canal balcony reading... April 7, 2017 Bit of an annoying mix up with my bus this morning but it worked out. I mean, then we sat in traffic forever and the driver stopped for a break but I'm in no hurry. Lol. Met a nice girl named Catherine. Hung out for the rest of the day. Spent fucking forever walking up and down these hilly streets looking for my hostel in bumfuck nowhere. Found it but decided to just stay closer to town. But god is Brussels beautiful. And the food is so good! April 8, 2017 Total in love with Belgium. 🇧🇪 the modern parts don't overwhelm the historical parts and everything is delicious. I walked around quite a bit with Caroline yesterday and got the lay of the land so today I only needed to retrace our steps to get back to all the fun stuff, plus a few new landmarks I didn't see before. I also spent some time checking out the shops. Thankfully they weren't as artificial as Barcelona or high end as Paris. I even found a cute little chocolate shop. I wish I could have bought the fresh candies in the display case, but they'd never survive until I get home so I bought several large bars for mom, dad, Jim, and Jill. And an extra. Maybe for me. Maybe for Karen or Kat. Idk yet. I should also get Kristina and kai something. She really is such a good person and she has had a hard life. Idk if she even realizes that tho bc it's all she's known. I don't know many people who could survive her life and still be so kind and... spiritual. She has a lot of faith in the universe. So rare nowadays and I love it, if for no other reason than to reflect on my life of relative comfort. And she would be so happy with anything. She just wants that damn penpal tho. I'll do that and pick up a little something. I think that's pretty much the extent of my friends list... lmao I really love this bar I found. Ita called Gecko and it's one of the only places not choked to death by tourists. I've been nursing a 50cl beer for almost two hours and continuing a book I started reading in the park across from the Grand Palace. The music is banging. Totally in my element. A little buzzed with great tunes and a beautiful city around me. This trip is amazing. Although I wasn't going to bc I'm not a waffle person, I do think I will try one before I go. I think I'll regret it if I don't. I didn't eat the waffle. So I went to Amsterdam on an empty tummy full of beer. Arrived late. April 9, 2017 Met two American girls at the hostel breakfast, Rachel and cassie. They are studying abroad in Italy. I might have talked Rachel into being Kristina's pen pal. They were pretty nice. Also ran into my roommate, Stacy, outside the hostel and walked around with her for a while. No where in particular. Just around the park and down some streets. Walked around and just enjoyed the city. The canals are beautiful! I could stroll around all day. I basically did! I walked ~15 miles today, although I did take a much needed, space cookie-induced rest midday. I went back out later to see the red light district at night. Dutch Fuckboy. Enough said. April 10, 2017 I'm ready for a chill day. Woke up tired from being out late with the Fuckboy and wasn't really motivated to explore Amsterdam anymore. I can't believe I only spent one day there and can feel so at home so quickly. Plus, it was really cold and looked like rain coming in so I decided to make the hour + journey to the bus station early. Glad I did bc I made a new friend. The girl sitting next to me in Starbucks was crying quietly so I started talking to her about schools in holland vs the US and whatever else came to mind. It worked. She stopped crying and we chatted for over an hour. Then she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and we talked about that. She sincerely appreciated the conversation I think and I feel like I helped someone today. We are FB friends now and I told her that she can always vent to me. I hope she takes me up on my offer. She is a nice person and I know she will do well for herself. Lmao July 26, 2017 Guess I never finished narrating my European saga. Probably bc I went to Berlin next and had too much fun and made too many friends to talk about exsistentialism and philosophy and shit. Regardless, some retrospective musings: Hope I never forget Berlin. I'll definitely go back. Next time I will completely bypass Western Europe and just do the eastern half. Start in Berlin, Prague, Budapest, Slovenia, Croatia, etc. And travel SLOWER. Needed more than 4-5 days for Berlin BY FAR. Could do 10 in Berlin and 7 in Prague probs. Although, I still do want to hit up Ireland and Scotland. Maybe do those two with Iceland as a separate trip. Next year I'm thinking Brazil (already learning Portuguese). And Southeast Asia is on the list for sure. Plus a few smaller, domestic trips for long weekends: Niagra falls, the Caribbean, camping, etc. I definitely require a lot of travel to stay happy and to deal with this bullshit world we live in. I do kind of wish I had someone with the travel bug like me. And that can afford to go/save to go. I definitely battled with the difference between being alone vs being lonely. It was better when I started socializing. Idky i didn't in the beginning. I will see the world one part at a time or until mankind has destroyed everything.