#advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched
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#ahaha we r playing it fast and fucking loose out here in the middle of fucking nowhere#like for real. dangerous fucking day. why? bc being around ppl stresses me out so fucking much i cant function#we've done 16hrs of driving in the last 3 days and i have not eaten much bc i get so stressed in restaurants#and so many things either bother my braib or my stomach and nothing tastes good and i csnt advocate for myself and if someone else tries to#advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched#so yeah. low on food and im so neurotic that i cant pee in public restrooms. which is not good so i dont drink much which is double not#good. which is to say that i got up todsy at 6am in an undernourished condition and then did fucking like 8hrs of field work in#the fucking desert. real real bad move. do not fucking do that. my pee looks so bad. god if i dont have a panic attack or burst into tears#by the end of the week it'll b a miracle. im already going all weird. i have v little bandwidth to pretend to b human then i do field work#and it all goes out the window bc im focused and trying to get things done asap and if things arent efficient i start to freak out. so ppl#will try to joke or talk to me and i just stare at them for a beat too long bc my brain is lagging and its all awkward. just like dont talk#to me and let me get this over with. i basically did lunges for like 5hrs my legs r gonna hurt so bad and we have 4 more days. like it was#bad today. like the undergrad with us also thought so. i feel so bad 4 him but hes a good sport. i dont kno whats gonna happen the rest of#the week. i got back todsy and wandered around bc there r like 3 rooms in this field house and i csnt relax if someone else is in the room#i went outside and ate a jelly sandwich sitting on the ground like a weirdo. like im pretty sure im noticeably being weird bc i do try to b#slightly charismatic normally but rn im stripped to my base elements like. oh ur talking to me? ok u arent saying anything interesting so#im moving on. im not gonna speak unless i absolutely have to and im gonna find a corner to hide away in. pls do not contact#hopefully im so stressed ill skip my period bc i do not wanna deal with that on top of everything. and the fact that im wide fucking awake#at like 11.30 after the day ive had is not looking like a good sign on that front. its a sign if fucking crazy. im laying#here on this bunkbed in a too warm room. no pillow bc im a freak and i dont wanna sleep bc im not tried and i cant sleep around other ppl#ugh so many bad vibes. do not do what i did. pls. that was real dangerous.#god i think that was at least a 13 or 14hr day. fuck that. i don't even care abt this project and im worried that's showing#not to mention the bad thing i did like a month back when i was losing my mind has caught up to me. its fine. awkwardly annoying but fine#hhhh actions have consequences ☹️#tw food#unrelated
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