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the-kittens-of-vol-tron · 1 year

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Reflection

Chapter 5: Discussion

Summary: The reaction to the kiss. Adam and Shiro both share a story about their past.

AO3!

Previous Chapter

Word Count: 4,026

Welcome back!

There is a discussion of Shiro's illness. Since the canon show didn't give us really anything I created a fake name and just went with what made sense in my head.

Adam’s POV

He woke up to a splitting headache. He had forgotten to close his curtains when he fell into bed. The light was blinding and he reached up with one hand, trying to close them. This is why I don’t drink. He closed them halfway, pressing his face into the pillow. The pain throbbing.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there. If he faded in and out of consciousness. A loud banging appeared on his door and he groaned. “Go away.”

The knocking continued, a muffled voice reaching his ears. They had to be shouting to reach this far into his living space. “Let me in!”

He mumbled a couple of curse words under his breath and forced himself to stand. Neglecting to grab his glasses and he did the familiar track to his front door. He opened the door, his hand covering his eyes. “What?!”

A whistle was heard, “damn you look rough. Step over, I have hangover food.” A body brushed by him, leaving him standing alone in the doorway.

He rubbed his eyes and closed the door. “It’s way too early for this.”

“It’s 12:30 in the afternoon.” The voice moved to his kitchen space. “Get over here, I didn’t lie about food.”

Adam moved to the kitchen, running his hands through his bedhead. He pulled out the stool for the island as his guest pulled some containers from a paper bag. “You didn’t need to get me anything.”

“Oh shush, take these,” a glass of water and two painkillers were slid toward him.

Adam mumbled a small thanks and swallowed the pills.

Lance slid a container at him. An omelet with a variety of vegetables and ham, two slices of toast with a side of butter, and a couple of slices of bacon. Lance placed two bananas beside the container. “Eat up.” He placed his hands on the counter, leaning on them slightly.

“Are you eating?” Adam unwrapped the plastic around the utensils, quickly digging into his food. Not realizing how hungry he was until the first bite reached his mouth.

“I already ate.”

Adam hummed, picked up the glass, and gulped the water down. Lance grabbed his glass and refilled it. “Take it slow.”

“Yeah yeah,” Adam slowed down his chewing, taking a moment to let himself properly adjust to the surroundings. It was still a bit too bright but it was manageable. He looked at Lance who looked more put together than he did- wait. He froze mid-chew. Staring at Lance.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” The younger boy wiped his face with a confused expression.

“Is that?” Adam stood up, the stool sliding backward. He leaned over the counter, reaching for Lance’s shirt.

“Hey! What are you doing?!” Lance tried to back up right as Adam grabbed his shirt. Pulling him closer.

“Is that…” he squinted, his vision was never the best without his glasses. “Is that a hickey?!” Lance's face darkened and he yanked himself away from Adam, pulling his shirt up further on his neck. “Oh my god! You have a hickey!!” His head began to throb at his own voice and he found himself wincing.

“Shush!!!” Lance looked everywhere but him. “What are you fifteen or something?”

Adam fell back in his chair, rubbing his forehead to ease the pain. “Who gave it to you?”

“No one, I burned my neck…straightening my hair?”

Adam threw a piece of bacon at the younger boy. “Don’t pull that shit with me. Who was it!” Lance didn’t respond, his face going even darker. Adam smiled to himself. “You and Keith finally hooked up?”

“WHAT?!”

Adam grabbed at his head again, “God are you trying to melt my brain right now?”

“I..uh, well you can’t…why would I hook up with mullet!” Lance looked like a fish out of water. His mouth hung open as he grasped to form a proper sentence.

Adam lifted his eyebrow, grabbing his fork to pick at his food. “Ugh, he’s annoying Commander Wright. There he goes, top of the class again! Always number one. Ugh Commander W. you would never believe what Keith did in class today-”

“Okay okay! Yes, we hooked up just…just stop…please.” Lance picked at the bacon Adam threw at him. “We got..closer during Voltron. Pinning got worse on my end and I guess he felt the same.”

Adam sent him a small smile, fighting the urge to say anyone could have seen Keith pinning back at him way before Voltron. “Happy for you.”

“Thanks…can I ask you something?”

“Need the birds and the bees talk?” Adam joked.

Lancer rolled his eyes, “no,” he stared at the piece of bacon in his hands. “What happened last night? With you and Shiro…?”

Adams' stomach dropped, and memories from his drunken state flooded his mind. The conversation, the dog tag, the kiss. He took another sip of his drink. “What makes you think anything happened?”

Lance frowned, “Allura saw you leave the balcony and she went to check on Shiro. Since she had seen him follow you. According to her, he was crying and said something about ‘he doesn’t love me’ while he was drunk. But she told us this morning. Shiro hasn’t left his room all day.”

“Ah,” Adam stared at his plate. His appetite was suddenly gone. He twirled the fork between his fingers, trying to formulate a response.

“Is it true? You told him you didn't love him?" Lance asked, a bit dumbfounded

He nodded, closing his eyes. He hadn’t felt this small since he was a cadet.

“Why?”

“I…I don’t know.”

Lance scoffed. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

Adam sighed, gripping his fork a bit tighter. “I just don't know why. Jesus, I'm so confused.” He dropped his fork, dropping his head into his hands. So far he had had zero time to process anything from last night. All he could remember off the bat was anger and fumbling back to his room. And then he woke up. Drunk him managed to slip out of his suit and into pajamas but that was it.

He took a deep breath, forcing himself to pull the memories from last night. Jealousy. He was jealous. There was no other emotion present. Just pure jealousy. But why? They weren’t together, he had no reason to feel this way. But he did.

Seeing him with, what was his name? Curtis. Just fueled him with this feeling. He didn’t even want to be the one dancing with him! He just…wasn’t ready to see him move on. He had moved on though…right?

“Adam?” Lance spoke. “Did you, um,” he cleared his throat. “....you wanted him to kiss you?”

“Yeah…I asked him too and then while he was there my mind was just screaming how wrong it was. But also how right it was.” He used his free hand to rub his eyes. He could still remember how it felt even through his hangover.

Fire. Shiro’s lips burned against his. Suffocating. But at the same time. It brought him back to life. Gave him a feeling he didn’t even know he was missing. And now, would he ever let go of that feeling? Was he going to have to stop himself from chasing the feeling? How badly did he fuck up?

“Damn, Adam.”

He dropped his hand from his face, “what?”

Lance shrugged, “you fucked up.”

“Excuse me?” Adam sent the younger boy a small glare. “Remember who you’re speaking to, cadet.”

Lance brushed him off, “I’m a former Paladin of Voltron, and yes I know who I’m speaking to. And I'm not the seventeen-year-old kid you are in charge of anymore.” He stepped back so his back was against the counter behind him. His posture relaxed.

“So you think you can just talk to me like that?”

“Don’t see why not. Means I respect you more.”

“What?”

Lance sighed as if the answer was obvious. And maybe it was. Adam had been known to be dense before. “Because I’m saying what you need to hear. I’m not just sitting and nodding along while you do stupid stuff. Just because you used to be my advisor doesn’t mean I’m still the quiet kid you used to work with.”

“What are you saying?”

Lance took a deep breath. “I’m saying that you fucked up. You played with his emotions. Drunk or not, it’s clear that Shiro still likes you. It’s clear he wants to fix things so you two can at least talk again. Instead of filling every single room with awkward silence and dragging everyone into your breakup.”

“He doesn’t still like me.”

Lance mumbled some curses under his breath, “I know you wear glasses but are you seriously that blind?”

“What?”

The other boy dragged a hand down his face in frustration. “Takashi. Shirogane. Still. Likes. You. Where are you getting confused?”

Adam focused on his remaining food. He thought back to every interaction they had since Shiro had returned from space. Shiro had initiated everything since they came. Persistent. Annoyingly at times but he still tried. Maybe he did like him still. But he couldn’t. Shiro couldn’t like him. They weren’t good for each other. Adam wasn’t good for him. “I'm not ready to forgive him.”

Lance frowned, “then you're not ready to move on and heal.”

Adam wiped his eyes, a sudden wave of emotion hitting him. “You don't understand. You're still just a kid.”

Lance shrugged. “Maybe so but I get what it's like to live every day like it's your last.”

Adam met his eyes, “what does that have to do with any of this?”

“Well. Shiro was sick before he left for Kerberos. Imagine how scary that has to be. How terrifying it must be to wake up every day and think 'is this it?' Earth didn't have a cure. Just some medicine that was extending the process. He needed to do what felt right for what he thought he had left.”

Lance's gaze softened. “When Voltron just started I was petrified. If I died in space would my family ever know? Would I be remembered? Every mission I thought 'this is my last.' It never was but that changes you. It makes you do things you wouldn't do any other time. It makes you make decisions you would have never considered. Shiro has been dealing with that long before Voltron.”

Adam frowned. He could still clearly remember the day Shiro was diagnosed with his killer. Or least, what should have been his killer. His health had been declining rapidly for a couple of months. He was still able to do what he needed to do, but anyone that knew him personally knew he was struggling.

“Takashi!” Adam shook his boyfriend awake, his heart beating in his throat.

Shiro’s eyes flew open, frantically scanning the dark around him. He opened his mouth to say something but he quickly rolled over to the side. Coughing and borderline gagging filled the room as his body tried to remove everything he had eaten a couple of hours ago.

Adam rubbed his back, taking a couple of deep breaths as Shiro finished up his episode. “Are you okay?” He whispered in the dark.

“I’m so sorry,” Shiro’s voice cracked at the words. Most likely feeling like a burden for something he had no control over.

“Shhh it’s okay, it’s not your fault. Come on,” he motioned for his lover to roll over. “Let’s get you to the showers and I’ll clean it up okay?”

“Adam I can-”

“Shhh, come on let’s go.” After a bit more arguing from Shiro he was in a shower, new clothes set on the sink and Adam was grabbing what needed to clean the floor. Thank the universe they were able to get a hardwood floor when they were given their housing after graduation.

He fumbled for the light, his stomach dropping once his eyes adjusted. Cleaning up puke was never something he enjoyed, but he wanted to help his boyfriend. He thought he had seen it all. But this? This was blood.

The doctor finally had an answer the next day. In and out of the office for the past months and this progression was enough to finally land on a diagnosis. Ethereal Pestilent. It had a more complex name but Adam couldn’t remember it.

Shiro reached over and squeezed Adam’s hand. Sending him a nonverbal ‘it’s okay.’ The doctor gave them both a sad look.

“What does this mean?” Shiro asked, his voice unwavering.

Adam wanted to cry. Shiro shouldn’t be this calm. This collected. Adam should be stepping up to ask questions and figure out what can be done and what they should do. Not Shiro. Shiro shouldn’t be comforting him.

The doctor leaned forward some, resting his elbows on his desk. “This illness is..chronic I’m afraid.” He paused, somberness filling his eyes. “It has a 98% mortality rate.”

“WHAT?” Adam found himself standing, that wasn’t right. That couldn’t be right. If that was right…that would make this a death sentence. Shiro sent him a small smile, gently pulling him back down into his seat.

“What does it do?” The question was aimed at the doctor but his eyes didn't leave Adam’s hand. His gaze stared at how their fingers intertwined together. A perfect match.

“The body attacks healthy tissue until there is nothing left to attack. We didn’t look for it because it is a genetic disease. But given all of your symptoms the past couple of months and your…episode last night that’s why we scanned for it. The good news is it seems to be mainly in your right arm. Which would explain the tingling and numbness you have been fighting the past couple of months.” The doctor replied.

“That doesn’t explain why he threw up blood,” Adam did his best to keep his voice calm. He knew he failed.

The doctor nodded. “Yes, this illness usually forms in the internal organs once it starts to spread. Which is why throwing up has been a nightly occurrence lately.”

“You just said it was in his right arm!” Adam spat out the words. He hated being confused. Not having control over the situation.

“I said mainly,” the doctor replied calmly. “But it clearly has spread to more vital spots.”

“Make it make sense,” Adam grumbled.

Shiro frowned, “so how long do I have left? If it already has spread that much.”

“Left untreated, a year. However,” he pulled out a small notepad and grabbed a pen from his jacket pocket. “There are medications and other tools that can extend the longevity left.”

“Not cure it?” Adam hesitantly asked. Terrified for the answer he was going to hear. He prayed Shiro didn’t feel the shake in his hand.

The doctor shook his head, “I’m afraid not. There is currently no cure that we have found. But new drugs are being tested every day.”

Shiro nodded, swallowing a couple of times. His eyes were a bit wetter than before. “What are my options? And will I still be able to fly and teach?”

Adam stared at Shiro, unconsciously tuning out what the doctor was saying. He was memorizing his face. Features he had already saved to memory. But, looking away made him anxious. If he closed his eyes too long here wouldn’t be here anymore. Just a memory. Gone from the world.

He wasn’t ready to lose Takashi. He would never be ready to be without him.

“I don’t think I ever cried so much in my life.”

“Huh?” Lance cocked his head to the side.

“The day Shiro was diagnosed. He was so calm and put together. Except for his eyes getting wet I never saw him cry. Or curse an invisible god for doing this to him. He just continued to live his life. Pursuing his dreams.” He released a shaky laugh. “I was always envious of him. While I fell apart watching him, he remained the same. Hopeful. Alive.”

A stillness fell over them. Neither of them moved, nor looked at the other. Lance finally broke the quiet. “Why did you two fall apart? If you want to share with me.”

Adam closed the lid to his container. “He chose Kerberos.”

“That was such a deal breaker for you?”

Adam sighed, how many times did he have this conversation with someone? “It wasn’t so much the mission but he was dying,” his voice cracked. “He was dying.” He slumped into his chair, his limbs feeling heavy. “With medication and shock therapy he had extended his year into seven. He was diagnosed when we were twenty-two. Just out of graduation. And three years later he wants to go on a year-long mission. Leaving only a couple of years left. If nothing progresses.”

“You wanted to spend all the time you could together…?”

He met Lance’s eyes, “wouldn’t you? If the person you loved was on borrowed time?” The younger boy didn’t respond. Adam rose from where he was seated. “Thanks for breakfast but I need to get busy.”

“Adam?”

“Just go, Lance. I’ll see you later.” He waited until Lance left the room, following him to the door to lock it. He rested his head on the metal. Praying he would feel better after a shower and more sleep.

---

Shiro’s POV

“Shiro?” Keith’s voice sounded on the other side of his door.

Shiro squeezed his eyes shut, he wanted to be left alone. His eyes burned from hours of crying, and the skin under his eyes was rubbed raw. His door opened slowly, letting in light that he was trying so hard to avoid.

“Shiro? Are you alive?” Keith entered the room, closing the door behind him.

Shiro released a grunting sound.

“Drink too much?”

“Hmmm.”

Keith sat on the edge of the bed. “Can I get you anything? A snack? Water? Kick someone's ass for you?”

Shiro rolled over, ignoring how dizzy it made him feel. “Why would you do that?”

Keith placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Allura told us…what happened. With Adam and how he played you.”

Shiro’s heart dropped. A cocktail of embarrassment and relief filled his system. At least he didn’t have to pretend to be okay in front of the team now. “Oh. Last night is mostly a blur.” Lie. He remembered everything perfectly. He may have had some drinks but he wasn’t completely blacked out. Though, he wished he was.

What he wouldn’t give to forget about last night.

“It was a mistake.” He mumbled.

“I figured it was. I know you’ve been wanting to…work things out. I didn't think you would be jumping right into kissing.” Keith whispered back.

Tears burned behind Shiro’s eyes and he placed his human arm over his eyes. “What happened to us?”

“You know the answer to that.”

Shiro sighed. “Yeah…I just wanted to do one more thing with my life. I never wanted to hurt him or lose him.” Emotions clogged his throat. Making it hard to speak.

“Do you think he understood that?” Keith questioned. “You never really told me what happened.”

“You were just a kid. You didn’t need that stress in your life.”

Keith paused, “do you still see me as a kid?”

“No.”

“Shiro…you can tell me. Let me or someone else in to help you. You don’t have to figure this out by yourself.” Keith’s voice was soft, mimicking Shiro’s ‘talk to me’ voice.

He chewed on his inner cheek, swallowing down the small amount of blood that coated his tongue. “Okay.”

He could still remember the fight like it was yesterday. Even after all these years. All this time. That fight remained front and center in his mind at all times. The sweat clung to his palms as he entered their apartment. How fast his heart was beating as his eyes landed on Adam.

“Hey, how was your appointment?” Adam took a sip from his mug, sitting by the island in his work uniform. He had a class to teach in a bit.

“Good…it went good.” Shiro forced himself to sit on the couch, he couldn’t bring himself to look at his fiancé. “You know I’m getting better.”

Adam hummed. “You’re not getting worse. But that doesn’t mean you're getting better.”

“I’m stabilized. I haven’t gotten worse in over a year.” He took a deep breath. Keeping his emotions in check. Their relationship has been glass the last couple of months. Teetering on the edge. One wrong word, a slight shift in tone and they would be in an argument. All because of this mission.

“So what did the doc say?” Adam put his mug down, resting his head in his hands. Keeping his back to Shiro.

Shiro stared at the floor in front of him. Unblinking. “He said I’m clear to go.”

Adam didn’t respond for a moment. His voice was neutral when he did. “You’re not going..right?”

“I don’t see why I can’t. I’m clear. I feel fine, I’m capable of the job. And it’s just a year.” He closed his eyes, “I can do a year.”

“You could die out there.”

“I’m going to die here. Can’t I just do one thing with the time I have left?” Shiro wiped the tears that threatened to fall. He couldn’t cry right now. He wouldn’t cry. They would be okay. They would get through this. Adam would just need time to accept it.

“Why can’t you spend it with me?” Adam asked, his voice a broken whisper.

“Why can’t I do both? I’ll still have time when I come back.” He spared a glance at his lover. His posture stiff.

“I’ll lose an entire year. Assuming everything goes well and the mission doesn’t need to be extended.” Adam’s voice shifted from neutrality to a burning cold.

“...we’ll still have time together when I get back.”

“And who knows where your health will be? How sick or bedridden or in pain you’ll be in?” Adam slipped out of the chair, finally looking at Shiro. His eyes were cold.

“Can we take a break and come back to this later? I think you need to calm down.” Shiro said, praying Adam didn’t hear the wave in his voice.

Adam didn’t reply, his jaw tight. “I am calm.”

“You don’t seem it.” Shiro stood, moving to stand in front of Adam. Fighting the urge to reach out and touch him. He kept his hands balled into fists at his sides. “Just…take some time and process this. Please?”

Adam finally moved, sliding the ring of his left ring finger. “My mind won’t change. We both knew this was coming.” He grabbed Shiro’s hand, pressing the ring into his palm as soon as his fist loosened. “Goodbye, Takashi. I hope it was worth it.” And he left. Leaving Shiro a shattered man.

“Fuck, he left just like that?” Keith questioned, his voice a bit defensive.

“As I said, we had been at each other’s throats for weeks leading up to that. I just…never expected him to leave.” Shiro dragged his hand down his face, forcing himself into a sitting position. “But, just like anyone else or even me. He’s allowed to leave relationships of any form that aren’t making him happy.”

“Doesn't mean he needs to ask you to kiss him.”

“Yeah…that’s…yeah.”

Keith patted Shiro’s arm in comfort. “You deserve better, Shiro. And you’ll find someone better. You and that Curtis dude seemed to be hitting it off pretty well.” He teased.

Shiro frowned, was he really any different from Adam?

“Do you like him? Curtis I mean.”

Shiro shrugged in the dark. “I think I could. The potential is there but I don’t. I think he deserves someone ready to date him, you know?”

“You need to move on from Adam.”

“I don’t know how,” Shiro said in a defeated tone. “I've been trying since Kerberos.”

“Have you? Most people don’t keep their ex's dog tag around their neck.”

Shiro didn’t reply, Keith was right.

“Maybe you two need to just hash it out. Scream, cry, argue, apologize, and then move on.”

“...would that work?”

“Don’t know. Doesn’t hurt to try.”

-----

Thank you for reading <33333

#reflection #adashi #adam w #adam wright #adam vld #shiro vld #shiro voltron legendary defender #takashi shirogane #chapter 5 #canon divergent #posted on A03 #no beta #long post #kats writing #my writing

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