the way I explain that aros/aces aren't straight.
You can only be straight/hetero if you experience attraction (sexual/romantic) to the opposite gender. If you experience attraction to anyone else that does not fit that description, you are lgbt. this means aros/aces and all on those spectrums are not straight. because they don't feel attraction to the opposite gender.
of course, this doesn't mean you can't be hetero/ace or aro/hetero. you can still be one aspec identity and be hetero, it doesn't make you any less lgbtq!
(sorry if I explained weirdly)
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Let’s talk about what demisexuality is not.
First off: what is demisexuality? We have to establish what it is to talk about what it isn’t.
‘demisexuality’ describes not experiencing sexual attraction until a close bond is formed. This doesn’t mean demis are attracted to everyone we bond with, and we can have differing desires towards sex. Demisexuals may or may not be demiromantic — they’re not one and the same.
While demisexuals can also be demiromantic, this isn’t true as a rule. Just like being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you’re aromantic. It’s possible to be both, nothing wrong with that — but they’re not inherently synonymous.
*For some people who are aroace, include demi aroaces, their sexual and romantic orientations are deeply intertwined and there isn’t a big difference between the two. Other people use the split attraction model, which recognizes a difference in sexual and romantic orientations.
Many people think that “everyone is demisexual” because they read the definition and say “oh, that’s just being normal”. They’re confusing not experiencing sexual at ALL with waiting until a relationship is serious to have sex.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. The thing people confuse it with is a decision regarding sexual behavior that can be made regardless of orientation— the decision to wait to have sex until you’re emotionally close. That decision can be made by anyone, demisexual or not.
Often people read the definition and say “I’m demisexual, I wait to have sex until it’s not just sex. I want emotional fulfillment too.” When it’s explained that demisexuals rarely have sexual attraction and only under certain conditions does it occur, one of two things happens:
they misunderstand and assume that demisexuals are also experiencing sexual attraction without the bond and just not acting on it, or
they begin to understand that there’s a difference between sexual attraction and action.
More often than not it’s the former.
It’s interesting that this misunderstanding happens when demisexuality is described because allosexuals (people who aren’t ace) abstain from sex all the time but still feel sexual attraction. There’s this underlying assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction.
But… just imagine that feeling of not being attracted and expand it. It’s doubtful that you experience sexual attraction to every person you see is physically attractive. Just expand that and there you go. Or imagine it like not seeing a particular color until you suddenly can.
Demisexuals aren’t all cisgender and heteroromantic. But there’s nothing wrong with demis who are! If ace isn’t enough for you to respect someone is LGBTQIA+, you don’t understand or accept asexuality or the orientations under its spectrum.
Demisexuality is NOT “just being a woman”. Demisexuality also isn’t “the patriarchy convinced young girls not having casual sex was a sexuality”.
There’s so much wrong with both of these, and they tie together, so I put them together here. Not only does this thinking see cis women and feminine people as being inherently “more” asexual, it robs allos and aces alike of bodily autonomy towards sex and sexuality. It bleeds out from conservative Christianity — it’s the same ideas that lead us to abstinence only sex “education” and that women must be sexually available at all times or their husband will cheat to “get his needs met”. Saying that cis women & feminine people are just all demisexual or ace removes the bodily autonomy of those who want sex and those who don’t by assigning a culturally acceptable narrative as more important than lived experience. But sexuality isn’t limited by cisheterosexism.
The truth is there are still a lot of people learning they��re under the asexual umbrella as educators and advocacy groups get education out there, and even in queer spaces asexuality isn’t always accepted, let alone its spectrum. A lot of people don’t even know it’s an option!
In addition, and partially because of, tropes like this, asexuality and everything under it are considered more “feminine”. Sex is seen as a symbol of status and depending on your gender and presentation, that status gets lowered or raised depending on the number of partners had.
Cis men and masculine aces exist, and also have to contend with cultural pressures to “perform” sexually, whether they want to or not. Erasing these experiences doesn’t help further acceptance towards asexuality or just sexuality in general.
And! Cis women and feminine people can have and enjoy casual sex! Others don’t but still experience sexual attraction regularly. Being allosexual isn’t limited to the masculine. Libido can also exist without sexual attraction. Human sexuality is just not as narrow as you think.
That’s where I’ll leave this one. Remember, it’s okay to be demisexual. It’s not okay to dunk on a group of people you didn’t bother to try to understand. Keep an open mind. There’s room at the table for learning, not bigotry.
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I don't relate to a lot of asexual people I know bc when I learned about the lgbtq community, the FIRST LABEL I realized fit me was asexuality. I didn't have a miscommunication in my brain. I just understood this was it. (And then dropped it when I first felt sexual attraction bc I didn't know about demisexual yet, but that was fixed 2 years ago and we are SO BACK BABYYYY!!!)
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aro love
Have you ever sat down and looked at one of your friends and just, like, fell in love? Not in a romantic way, no. But, you just look at this person and you know you want to be with them for the rest of your life. They’re like your family, your partner in life, and you just love them so much.
The amount of shit I see online about non-romantic love is insane. Like, your feelings don’t matter if you’re not making out with a person.
Don’t talk to me about love. I know love. Do you?
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The allos love to say shit like “it’s so sad their relationship will never go beyond friendship” and “these people just need to sleep together and their relationship will reach its full potential” like no. Just no.
It’s not sad when a friendship stays a friendship. There doesn’t need to be sex in a relationship at all even if the relationship is romantic. Romance isn’t the highest, most pure, most desirable place for a relationship to reach. Allos love pretending a relationship is NOTHING if there’s no romance or sex involved. If the characters aren’t fucking or dating, the relationship is trash in most people’s eyes. It’s so infuriating and frustrating.
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