12/4/22

Today has been brutal. In the aftermath of yesterday's devastation, there was a very intense windstorm all night. I got about 3 hours of sleep. I kept freaking out that there was someone in my apartment. I didn't feel safe. I hate this shit, the night before I knew about the deadbolt not working and I didn't have a hard time sleeping. But after acute trauma... shit just changes. And today, I learned a lot about why.

Today, I learned about Polyvagal Theory. And it kinda fills in some blanks about stuff that I've been feeling around in the dark about. The whole anxiety/panic responses and how it ties into the nervous system and all that. I would highly advise checking this out - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbx4Qa7QTkw - I found it very approachable, easy to understand and it helped me really categorize exactly where and why I get... crippled and stuck. It's definitely a cognitive thing, it's definitely responding to traumatic stimulus (triggers), it's definitely emotional, but... the missing piece... it's also a biological function. And the suggestions she put out in the video as ways to "climb the ladder" are really something I want to keep close at hand.

I spend a lot of time in Parasympathetic state, it's almost like my default state. I have been practicing like a damn monk to endure it, and kinda just weather the storm and try to revive myself. The whole part at the end about co-regulation is like... what I've really been begging people for for a long time. But mine is completely backwards, I'm constantly being exposed to the fears, paranoia, stress, projection and judgements of others, and it just... infects me at vulnerable times. It's doing the exact opposite thing it should be doing. No wonder I'm not healing right.

When I get to Dorsal Vagal... it's bad. I really don't like it.

I just wanted to share that, I'm really tired and kinda want to move on from that, just wanted to share my discovery. I wrote to my therapist for 4 hours this morning. I documented as much of the prior day as possible. I just needed to tell the story and get it out. It's really hard to talk about it, but it needed to be done. The damage done was too severe.

My mom connected with me and we made some sort of peace. I'm censoring myself to hold back details. But I have a plan with going back down to finish the last of the move. I just need a few pieces of furniture from the house. I'm going to throw a hail mary and pray that the construction dudes that are helping get rid of the ratty decade-plus-old busted furniture are going to be cool with disposing of the goat bones and not freak out. I specifically requested my mom let them know that I'm an artist and the "supplier" just gave me waaaaaay more than I needed. I'm still on the fence about bringing the skull up here. I guess I'll see how I feel on Monday. I told my mom that all of this figuring out transportation stuff... the only reason I expedited it was because I have a rental car up here and it costs her money, it was to save her money. I told her if she didn't care about the money, if it wasn't a big deal and this stress is worse, then we can just address it next week. So Monday I go down, get my furniture, do a once over to make sure I didn't forget anything. Tuesday the dudes come and take the shit to the dump and a person comes over to clean. Already told the landlords the plan, really nice to have an actual plan now and, as far as I can tell, everyone is on the same page.

Then... I called the emergency line about my apartment's deadbolt. The same woman who came over for my heat on the first night came to check it out, with some... friend of hers? Who knew about carpentry, I guess? He was right, I'll give him that. The door is set wrong, the frame might be warped. It looks like it's been like this a while, it makes me wonder how many people have lived here and just... not had their door locked. Which I guess is a very good omen for how safe the building is. I have never been this paranoid, I swear. Back in like 2016, I hopped on a plane and flew to Vegas without even a hotel room to stay at, I was just like "fuck it, I know a few people who are going to be out there from internet forums, I'll be fine." And I was! (Xanax helped with that, to be fair.) Now, I hear creaks in the floorboards and I think Jason fucking Voorhees decided to pay me a visit. It's obnoxious. But, like I said above, it's being stuck in a "threat is present" state and not being able to get my nervous system out of it. Because it's partially right, just not specifically right. It's how my PTSD manifests. And it sucks. And I have to calm myself down, while simultaneously freaking out, and it can be very confusing to know which voice to listen to when they're both yours.

So, basically, what's going on in my building is that you have to use a keyfob to get into the main buildings, the main buildings all connect, then you need a keyfob to get into unit doors. If I lock my door with the keyfob from the outside, it will disable the handle so it can't be used to unlatch the door, essentially locking it, and any potential intruder would be someone who lives here or was let in by someone. And they'd have to seek my apartment out specifically. But there are deadbolts too, which are locked from the inside, which I thought I was using, but it turns out I wasn't because since the door is set wrong... the deadbolt was just not latching. And I was just sleeping with the door completely unlocked, completely unaware for 2 nights.

Obviously this turned out fine. I'm just paranoid being alone in a city for the first time since like... 2007. And I was talking to this poor woman on 2 hours of sleep on a Saturday, hadn't showered, wearing a hoodie with no shirt. I was just... a mess. And it looks like it might be a big job, too. So, she made sure I was okay just doing the keyfob lock for now, which is how I would keep it locked if I left town too, so it should be fine. She's going to have the maintenance guys get back to me on Monday to check it out and see what they can do. And I'm going to immediately postpone because my cat will be left alone in the apartment for the first time without me, I will be 2.5 hours away and I'm not leaving her in a crate alone for 6+ hours. So... I will do my trip on Monday, and have them come by on Tuesday. That's my plan.

I got a ton of work done on my hoodie, the sleeve is about... 2/3 to 3/4 done now. A total of 5 overlapping mandalas and the crow centerpiece. I'll get some pictures when I get it wrapped up to share. Besides that, it's been me fighting viciously to keep myself from nodding off so I can get my cat her meds at 1AM, and since I'm past the threshold, I'm getting ready for bed. I need a damn break. Tomorrow is rest, recovery, fun and maybe plant shopping.

Operation: Loved (Kazuichi x Reader)

This is essentially gonna be a Kazuichi appreciation thread because he is a truly underrated character in my book. I’ll add updates to this every now and then. You can read it as seperate stories or as a whole. Anyway, here we go! Enjoy!

You loved messing with Kazuichi.

Not in a mean way, of course. More of a you-look-absolutely-fucking-adorable-when-you-blush kind of way.

Normally, you tried not to embarrass him too much, but lately Kazuichi had been really down on himself. He’d just gotten back from doing a job with his dad last week, and things seemed to just go downhill from there. He’d had several bruises and a busted lip.

On top of that, he had told you that you’d be better off without him. You tried to argue, but he left, and since then, he’s been avoiding you like the plague.

You were normally very patient, but the anger towards Kazuichi father, the sadness that Kazuichi was hurting, and the pain of having him avoid you had all built up until you’d finally had enough.

Now, you had one mission and one mission only:

Show Kazuichi how loved he was.

~

You’d always had this feeling that Kazuichi had been starved of affection, but you never knew the full extent of it until you started dating. Kazuichi seemed to deem himself unworthy of any form of love.

At first, it didn’t bother you too much. You would kindly correct him and remind him that everyone deserved to be loved, but when you two got together, his insecurities seemed to grow.

He would go out of his way not to touch you, always claiming he just didn’t see the point of it, but you knew better. He became more irritable, sometimes starting fights over how much better you would be without him.

You’d tried to help, tried to soothe him with kind words, always afraid of pushing too hard, but this was going nowhere. It was time for you to man up. You needed to face this head on, and if that meant drowning Kazuichi in your love, so be it.

~

This new line of action started on a Tuesday, the week after midterms.

You stepped into the garage on campus, taking a minute to examine the various projects in each room as you made your way to the one belonging to Kazuichi and Miu. You’d run out of screws, so you came to see if they’d let you borrow some.

When you stepped inside, Miu was nowhere to be seen, but after a bit of searching around, you saw a head of pink hair, half hidden under a black beanie, and you smiled as you walked over to Kazuichi.

You were just about to tap him on the shoulder when he yelped, jumping backwards when he shocked himself. You flinched, instinctively trying to catch him, but your plan quickly backfired when you stumbled backwards at the sudden weight, taking him with you as you fell.

Your back hit the ground with a thump, knocking the air from your lungs, and you were incredibly thankful that Kazuichi wasn’t very heavy, or he probably would’ve crushed you.

He was sprawled across you, his back pressed against your chest. Once he realized what had happened, he immediately rolled off of you, apologizing profusely.

You sat up, rubbing your shoulder to soothe the pain there. You supposed you should’ve expected it to hurt. The floor was concrete, after all.

When he saw that it was you, his cheeks took on a pink hue, and he ducked his head as he apologized once again. “I-I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were there, and I didn’t mean t-“

You touched his shoulder, squeezing gently. “It’s okay, Kazuichi.” You told him with a reassuring smile.

He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Some Ultimate Mechanic, right?” He laughed self deprecatingly. “Can’t even fix a fuckin’ wire.”

You looked personally offended by the remark, as if he’d insulted you instead. “Don’t say that! You’re doing a great job, Kazu.”

If you thought he was blushing before, it was nothing compared to now. His face had turned the same color as his hair, and it was then that you remembered how embarrassed he got when you called him that.

You smiled slyly, your eyes gleaming mischievously. You got to your feet and held out your hands to him, pulling him up with relative ease.

Kazuichi was thin and fairly light, but you were also stronger from lifting stacks of wood, large wooden parts, and furniture. You had gained a lot of muscle since you became a woodworker, and it was that blood, sweat, and tears that earned you the title of the Ultimate Woodworker. It was that title that got you a part time job teaching classes on woodcarving and carpentry. You enjoyed it a lot, and being able to share your passion with others never failed to make your heart feel light.

“What were you tryin’ to do anyway?” You asked, glancing over his shoulder curiously.

He hesitantly shifted so you could see his workbench. “Nothin’ special, just tryin’ to fix Miu’s alarm clock.”

You stared at the broken and dismantled object in front of you in pure disbelief. “That’s an alarm clock?”

“Well, It was..before Miu threw it at a wall.”

Your eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I knew she wasn’t a morning person, but I didn’t think she was THAT bad.”

“Don’t go talkin’ about me behind my back!” Miu yelled as she barged into the room. She stopped beside them, folding her arms over her chest in an attempt to look angry.

You poked her in the side, earning a squeal from the younger girl. “Quit acting like you’re mad. Anger doesn’t suit you well.” You teased playfully, watching Miu turn red.

Sometimes you swore Miu had a thing for being made fun of because the girl instantly swooned.

“Sometimes I really think you might be a masochist.”

“Ah, Ibuki says the same thing!” Miu giggled dreamily. She always got like this when she talked about Ibuki.

Miu quickly shook her head and turned to Kazuichi. “So, can ya fix it?” She asked, motioning to the would be alarm clock.

“Yeah, it’ll take some time, but I can probably get it done by they end of the day.”

Miu grinned, whacking him on the back so hard that he almost stumbled. “Awesome! Thanks Pinky!”

Kazuichi sighed at the nickname but turned back to the clock, nonetheless. He began to tinker with the different pieces and wires while you watched curiously. You’d always found it strangely calming to watch Kazuichi work. Watching the way his fingers moved nimbly made you want to take his hand.

So you did.

You caught him so off guard that he nearly dropped the screwdriver he’d been reaching for. “Wh-What’re y-you-?”

You’d been about to let go when you noticed something.

You turned his hand, running your thumb over a small burn mark on the back of his hand. “Did you drop one of your cigarettes or something?”

When he didn’t respond, you looked up at him. He was looking away, a bitter frown on his face. He didn’t have to answer for you to realize that his dad had done it.

On instinct, you brought his hand up to your face, lowering your head enough to brush your lips over the scar.

You felt more than saw him stiffen, and you stayed there for a second longer before straightening up and letting go.

For some reason, as you looked at him, your mind drifted to Sonia. You still found it surprising that Kazuichi had ended up with you, considering you were practically Sonia’s exact opposite.

Sonia was polite, formal, and very elegant. She was the Ultimate Princess for a reason. She was gentle in personality with a graceful, refined appearance. She lived lavishly, though she never once bragged about it. The only thing about Sonia that didn’t scream ‘Princess’ was her avid love of the occult.

You looked up to Sonia quite a lot and had been very happy when you were able to become friends. However, now that you had grown to be such close friends, it only made the differences between you stand out even more to you.

You were gentle in nature, but that was where it stopped. When it came to your actions and way of living, the only word that came to your mind was clumsy.

You were clumsy in every aspect of the word. Sonia was graceful and focused, while you were scatterbrained and often daydreaming. You often tripped, overworked, or just accidentally hurt yourself. You sometimes caused problems that could’ve been avoided if you’d just paid a little more attention.

Sonia was soft spoken and gentle, while you were sometimes too loud, amazed by simple things, and sometimes a bit too enthusiastic.

You had a calm side, of course, but with the calm came one of two things: Peacefulness and warmth or somber thoughts and dark memories.

Sonia was beautiful: small, soft, and petite.

You actually two inches taller than Kazuichi. You were lanky with broad shoulders and a lean frame. You had scars that dotted your skin, though most were hidden beneath her clothes.

Some were from accidents while you were working. Most were from the abuse you had suffered in the foster care system.

You worked hard, often showing up for your dates with messy hair that was sprinkled with sawdust. Kazuichi always laughed as you dusted it out, and you would smile and laugh along with him, but sometimes, you really did wonder why he liked you.

You didn’t get why he liked your sweat-streaked face and calloused hands. Everything about you was the opposite of what he’d once told you that he liked in a girl. It often left you wondering what on earth he saw in you.

Despite your less than stellar thoughts, you smiled happily, your fingers lightly brushing his arm as you slid past him. “See ya later.”

You waved and headed for the door, only realizing once you were outside that you had completely forgotten to ask for some screws.

Janis Urste Expert Tips To Build A Better Forex Strategy

Janis Urste Expert tips provider. Investing using the currency trader forex can be quite dangerous for an inexperienced investor. Fortunately, there are brokers and other tools out there to protect you from experiencing losses. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. This article also can function as help, as it will offer some advice about investing using forex.

When trading a foreign currency pair, it is important to do your research on both currencies in the pair. Knowing a single currency out of the pair isn't enough. Successful Forex trading depends on being able to see how the currencies might impact one another, not just how one currency is going to behave.

Janis Urste Top service provider. Building a functional strategy to attack Forex is definitely a smart move, but you never want to lock yourself into a permanent strategy. By following one strategy to the exact letter, you're voluntarily chopping yourself off at the knees, hindering your ability to move and evolve along with the market.

Do not start in the same place every time. Some traders open with identical positions and invest more funds than they can afford or an inadequate amount to begin with. The positions you pick have to reflect present market activity if you want them to be successful ones.

Once you get the hang of Forex, you may be able to glance at the charts and coast through, but that doesn't mean you should. Like the old adage says about carpentry work: Measure twice and cut once. You always want to double-check everything in Forex, no matter what it is. In fact, a triple-check would be much better.

If you come across a currency you know nothing about, for instance if you cannot locate the related country on a map, you should probably stay away from it. Learn as much as possible about the current situation in this country and about the general trends of this currency before you think about investing.

It's advisable to begin foreign exchange trading efforts by maintaining a mini account and try it out, at least for a year. This will help as preparation for success over the long term. This allows you to get a real feel for the market before risking too much money.

To be a good and successful foreign exchange trader, you need to know when to cut your losses. Although this is painful to do, it is important that every trader learns it. It is much better to lose a few hundred dollars than to lose thousands on a certain transaction.

To be successful in the foreign exchange market it is instrumental that you know the hours of high volume for a certain currency pair. Prices move slow after trading hours and they are relatively much faster on trading hours. It is good to know what time these trades happen to make good money.

Janis Urste Professional tips provider. A good tip for beginners trying to become a successful foreign exchange trader is to set up a demo account. These demo accounts help the individual to have a feel for the interface of the software as well as get valuable practice in trading. These are free and are easy to set up.

If you are currency trading using a system, keep the system as simple as possible. The more complicated the trading system, the more likely it is to fail. Putting too much effort into trading does not guarantee success, so it is best to work smarter rather than harder to achieve the results desired.

A lot of business opportunities will require that you take on a partner to share the financial load, but forex is not one of these opportunities. You do not want to have a business partner in forex, unless we're speaking about someone who is strictly investing money. Two account users is a really terrible idea. You can lose your money in an instant.

Trading your way out of debt is one of the worst moves a person can make. Even if you have it in your budget to suffer a loss, you should still not be trading if you are losing more than you are gaining. If you are paying for your trading with a credit card and your interest rate is 18% you need to make more than that in profits for it to be worth the risk.

Be patient as forex trading is a long term investment and not a get rich fast scheme. Unrealistic profit expectations, unfounded quick decisions are recipes for a disaster in which you most likely will lose your money. Spend time with studying market trends and set reasonable goals to be successful in forex trading.

A common mistake is to start trading right away, even if a beginner's account. Before you even sign up for an account, you should learn everything there is to know about forex and do some research on brokers to open the right kind of account. Forex might sound exciting but you should really take your time at first.

Once you take the time to make a plan or goal, stick to your guns! Do not stray from that plan for any reason or you are sure to find that the risks that you are taking are going to lead you to financial devastation. Know the time-frame that is going to work the best for you and stick with it.

When discussing the market with other traders, it is great to get their opinion about how things are going and where they think the money is going to be at. Do not trade on their opinions alone. Take the information that they have given you and analyze it with the charts to see if they may be on to something.

Trade because you want to and not because you have to. You need to have a passion for trading to succeed, and not just a need to make a huge amount of money quickly. You should enjoy every minute of it, and be in it for the long haul. Most fortunes are built over time, but not overnight.

Janis Urste Top service provider. Forex offers a good opportunity for an investor to try his chance at trading currencies. It is rife with the possibility for failure, but with the right advice failure is far less likely. This article had the a goal to equip you with the ammunition to turn profits using forex.

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