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hajoon-iz-won · 2 months

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Best First Time Ever!

PAIRINGS: non-idol Heeseung x reader

SUMMARY: Y/N, a twenty-year-old girl, was determined to have her best first time ever at a club. She had grown up in a small town with conservative parents who didn't seem to care about her dating life or losing her virginity. Now, she thought it was easier to find someone to feel good with for a night at a club than trying to maintain an actual relationship.

WARNINGS:

smut, fluff, 18+ mdni

Dom!Heeseung, Sub!reader, gentle domHeeseung, fingering, size kink, breeding kink, reader loses her virginity, dirty talk, mentions of alcohol and getting drunk, pet names(baby, sweetheart, angel), creampie, aftercare

Word Count: 6.1k

Today would have been the day. Y/N was resolved that today would have been the day. It wasn't like she did this kind of thing frequently — no, she was undeniably more calm concentrating on in her dorm than in clearly clubs and hitting the dance floor with outsiders. In any case, she'd had enough of being prodded by her friends and roommate. "Twenty years of age, you're truly still a virgin? ” She had recently never felt like it made a difference, and zeroing in on her examinations had forever been the need. Among that and working, she hadn't actually had a lot of chance to zero in on dating, considerably less losing her virginity. In any case, presently… ?

Indeed, she guessed it was far more straightforward to simply track down somebody to feel quite a bit better with for a night at a club than need to disrupt her timetable by attempting to keep a genuine relationship. Indeed, even still, she was somewhat anxious. "Goodness, come on, you will be fine. You look perfect; it'll benefit you to get out for an evening!" Her closest friend offered her a smile and an energetic wink, the blonde lady throwing a simple arm around the more youthful young lady's shoulder. "I endeavored to make you look this great; I'll be cursed assuming I let you back down of flaunting my craftsmanship," Gaeun prodded, directing Y/N towards the entry of the club. "Plus, would you say you are truly having the college experience in the event that you don't look at a club no less than once? I'd prefer not to see my dearest friend denied of such a significant encounter! “ A low moan got away from Y/N, a hand moving upwards to card through dull dark red locks, emerald eyes looking at her companions faces. "I'm here, right? I'm not going to chicken out. I just. Do you have a peculiar outlook on being here? I don't actually have the foggiest idea acceptable behavior in places like this," she conceded. Not that that was actually her issue; she'd be quick to concede that she had grown up extraordinarily protected. Regardless, she realized she was the cliché illustration of that modest community young lady, having experienced childhood with a little ranch with her conservative mother and father.

It wasn't so much that they had been purposefully attempting to conceal the world from her possibly; she just questioned they had a lot of interest in cooperating with such things themselves, so how could they teach their sweet young lady on it? Also, sex? God, sex was, obviously, not discussed. Sex was marriage, and marriage alone, they had demanded, and she would have no need to be familiar with it up to that point. No doubt, as though. Culture shock was likely the most ideal way to depict what she had felt after leaving that modest community interestingly. Her college was situated in a major city, all things considered, many miles from the solace of her home and family. Furthermore, things were… So unique here.

Indeed, even now, two years in the wake of disappearing for school, she still now and again winds up attempting to change. This, however, wanted to beat a major wall for her. "I guarantee we'll have a great time," Gaeun guaranteed, snatching her hand and pulling her inside. "This is my #1 club in the city. It generally has the best music, the beverages are modest, and there aren't a lot of wet blankets." The principal thing Y/N saw as they moved toward the entryways and she was accordingly pulled inside was the music. It was difficult to make out what it was precisely at the volume it was at, however there was a profound, beating bass that appeared to vibrate through her, resonating in a consistent heartbeat she'd up until recently never experienced. Emerald eyes went wide in shock at it, however it was nowhere near unsavory. “See? I told you, it's great, right? Come on." Another little pull, and Y/N wound up moving no sweat, energetic expectation and fervor for something new and exciting getting comfortable her bones, far offsetting her anxiety. The lights were darkened, countered by brilliant hued strobes that illuminated the room in dynamic, moving examples, creating weird shaded areas on bodies moving and moving together to the beat on the dance floor. The music droned, stronger now than when they'd originally entered, and she wound up more charmed than she suspected it would be. In the event that she could just allow herself to unwind… All things considered, this really seemed to be loads of tomfoolery.

After an hour, Y/N had concluded she most certainly owed Gaeun for hauling her out. She was having a great time, body influencing against others to the profound, thundering bass of the music generally around her, liquor in her veins, and disposing of any excess uneasiness. Gaeun had vanished into the group some time prior, immovably pulling on the hand of a man she had met at the bar while getting them drinks, leaving Y/N all alone to partake in the music. Her head felt light even as she advanced toward the bar, rapidly requesting another fruity beverage. They were delightful, and she was satisfied that she could scarcely taste the nibble of liquor in them, something she'd been watchful about. The pleasantness of peach moved on her tongue as she roosted at the bar, tasting at her beverage joyfully.

“You might want to slow down there, sweetheart.” The voice was deep and rumbling, amusement coloring its tone as a large man moved to slide onto the stool beside her. “You don’t look like you frequent places like this, not if the way you’re drinking is any indication. That’ll hit you like a truck—it tastes good, but it’s dangerous as hell if you aren’t looking to get completely drunk.” The stranger hummed, chocolate eyes glittering with amusement.

The man was certainly older than her; that was the first thing Y/N noticed as hazy green eyes raked over him. Salt and pepper black and gray hair. At least 6 feet tall to her small-statured five foot five. A firm, chiseled jawline that looked like it could have been sculpted by a damned artist. Actually, the rest of him looked like it might have been too—the tight black t-shirt and denim jeans did nothing to hide broad shoulders and a muscular chest.

For a moment, her mouth damn near watered. God, he was handsome. How it was that the other women here weren’t flocking around him, she would never understand. But she certainly wasn’t going to complain, even if she made a face at him, sticking out her tongue. “Is it really that obvious? “

“Absurdly so. Might as well be written on your face.” He chuckled. “So, I know it’s cliché, but I gotta ask. What’s a pretty little thing like you doing all alone at the bar? It seems you should be with someone, dancing and having a good time.”

A giggle escaped her, covering her pink, freckled cheeks with a hand to hide it. “You’re right, that definitely was cliché. Lucky you, you’re right about me being new to all this, so I haven’t heard it a thousand times. I’m with my friend. She’s…” A vague wave of her hand towards the crowd of bodies. “Somewhere in there? She made a new “friend,” and they’re dancing. I just wanted another one of these,” she explained, holding up her drink. “And what about you? A handsome man like yourself, you didn’t come here with someone? What did little old me do to get attention?”

She immediately wanted to cringe and groan. Way to go, Y/N; that was definitely not smooth. He’s going to think you’re an idiot. And I mean, you came here looking for a good time. Well, here’s a guy way out of your league who might just be interested if you could play it cool for half a second.

The stranger laughed, a deep rumbling sound that reverberated through her almost as easily as the music did, the pink on her cheeks deepening. “Nah, I came alone. Name’s Heeseung. And when you’re done with that drink, I’d love to take you out on the floor for a dance, if you wanted mind.” He rolled his eyes, clearly amused. “Come on now, sweetheart. Surely you know how pretty you are, huh? I got eyes in my head. Was a little amazed you weren’t surrounded by men. Clear down the block.”

“Y/N.” She returned, offering her hand, before raising a brow. “Well, aren’t you a sweet talker? Hmmm. You know what they say, Heeseung, flattery will get you everywhere.” She teased, finishing up her drink before standing, wibbling only slightly. “A dance sounds great.”

He didn't hesitate to reach out and steady her, curling her hand within his much larger one as he led her towards the dance floor. “Well damn, it looks like a lucky night for chivalry.” He teased her back, drawing her against that broad chest as they began to sway. “So, Miss Y/N, what would you normally be doing on a night like tonight, if not being too pretty for words at a dingy bar?”

She couldn’t resist snorting in amusement, rolling her eyes up at him. “Silly. I’d typically be in my dorm studying, I suppose. I’m a student at the university. Biology major, nothing too interesting, I’m afraid.” A rueful smile settled on her lips, even as she melted into him, one arm draping around his neck. God, she felt so damned tiny against him, something deep and primal screaming at her about how safe and strong being in his arms felt. Yes, he was definitely perfect for her intended foray into adventure.

“Nothing too interesting, she says, like understanding science isn’t an incredible feat,” he shot back, a playful smile on his lips. “I ain’t anything so clever or fancy. I’m a firefighter. It is tough, dirty work, but it needs to be done. At the very least, I get to come home each night feeling like I’ve made some kind of difference,” he admitted, even as he drew her closer. “Have to admit, this isn’t my usual kind of scene either; the loud noise bothers me sometimes. But tonight? Well, damn, tonight I’m glad I came.”

“I’m glad I did too,” she admitted, her free hand settling on his chest. “Handsome and a firefighter? Gotta say, you’re ticking my boxes left and right here.” Y/N teased, leaning up on her toes to brush her lips along his jaw, the alcohol thrumming in her veins long since waving goodbye to any inhibitions she might have. He was strong, gorgeous, and seemingly kind. She wanted him to take her apart. She wasn’t even fully sure of what that meant, but God, her body knew on instinct alone that it had to be him.

“Glad to hear it, sweetheart.” He chuckled. “How many more boxes do you think it would take for me to check off before you let me kiss you?” Heeseung questioned, already cupping her jaw and guiding her gaze upwards to meet his own.

“Not even one.” It was all the warning she gave before she was leaning up on her toes, capturing his lips with her own. At least she knew how to do it—she’d kissed boys in high school and shared fleeting things with guys back home behind her family’s barn. Kissing Heeseung, though… It felt different and sent sparks of electricity rushing through her in a way the guys back home never had.

He didn't even question it. Immediately, he was drawing her closer, one hand sliding under her rear to lift her towards him as he leaned to meet her in kind. His tongue brushed along her lower lip, a silent bid for entry before he was pressing inside to taste her. Fuck, she tasted so sweet, like the peach and mango from the drink she had been sipping only moments before, with the slightest bite of vodka still on her tongue. He guided her slowly into the kiss and showed her how to move against him. He was all too happy to deepen it, to take the time to explore every inch of her, guiding her hips against his own from his hold on her. “Well, thank God, sweetheart.” He groaned against her lips. “Because I thought I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get to do that soon.”

A soft moan escaped her, her”lips parting without hesitation as he deepened the kiss. It was as though she were running on autopilot, her body knowing exactly what it was that she was aching for, even if she herself didn’t, and it sought it out readily.

Why hadn’t she been allowing herself these delights sooner?

“Heeseung…” she mewled, her fingers tangling in raven locks and tugging as she melted into him, pressing against him more completely. “Please… It feels so good,” she admitted breathlessly, chasing his lips with her own the moment he drew back for breath, greedy for another. “If I asked really nicely, would you take me home and kiss me until I can’t think straight?” She questioned, her voice soft and needy. “Because I’d really like to be able to feel a little more than is appropriate for a dance floor in a dingy club.”

Heeseung raised a brow at her, her lips curving upward in amusement. Forward little thing, wasn’t she? “I think we can certainly arrange that, sweetheart. Why don’t we get your things? You can text your friend; I’ll even give you my address to give her so she knows your safe,” he offered, leaning down to nuzzle into her throat teasingly, suckling at smooth caramel skin until violet began to blossom beneath his touch. “Because frankly, I think I’d like to do a lot more than a dance floor allows for too.”

“Deal.” She agreed, grabbing his hand and tugging him towards the coat check. A moment later, she was typing out a text to Gaeun with the details of where she’d be and not to worry, letting Heeseung draw her into his side all too contentedly. He was strong, he was warm, and he was broad. It was as though she fit perfectly against him, as though she had been made to be there.

“I called us a cab while you were texting your friend,” he told her, brushing a kiss on her head and waving down the taxi when it appeared.

Ten minutes later, he was helping her out of the car, leading her to the front step of a cozy-looking white house. She wobbled slightly on her feet, leaning against him for support, even as she clutched at his sleeve. Maybe he was right, and that last drink was a mistake, she mused, all too happy to let him guide her inside.

She wasted no time in pouncing, pressing his larger frame to the door with renewed fervor once it had closed, stealing his lips with her own in a greedy kiss. “Fuck….. can’t tell you how good kissing you feels.” She admitted, her arms winding around his neck, her body pressing against him once more. “Girl could get addicted if she’s not careful.”

Heeseung growled low against her lips, shifting them until her back pressed to the wall, legs under her thighs lifting her, and guiding her legs around his hips as he met each kiss in kind. “You’re one to talk, sweetheart. Such a sweet little thing, you have no idea.” His tongue once more invaded her mouth, taking control with ease, even as she rolled her hips against him feverishly, instinctively telling her to seek out the sweet friction she was missing out on currently. Her head felt hot; it felt like the world was spinning, like she was burning alive in the best way possible, like she couldn’t get a grip on anything.

Y/N woke up in a strange room, nestled down in a bed that was far too comfortable to be her dorm bed. The blankets were soft on her skin, and early morning light cast rays against the bottom of the bed as she sat up, rubbing at her eyes tiredly. Just what in the hell happened last night? Emerald eyes glanced down, widening in surprise. Okay, so the shirt she was in definitely wasn’t hers. For a moment, panic welled up inside of her, glancing around her surroundings frantically until she noticed what lay on the nightstand—a glass of water, two painkillers, and a note.

Morning Sweetheart;

First off, don’t worry. We didn’t go past kissing last night. That last drink of yours hit you pretty fast, and I wasn’t about to take advantage. Here are some painkillers. I imagine your head is hurting. Your clothes are washed and folded on the dresser. When you’re ready, come on downstairs, darlin’. I should have breakfast ready for you by then.

-Heeseung

All at once, it came rushing back to her. The loud, thudding music. She had strong hands on her and a broad waist beneath her legs. Lips met hers feverishly as she stole kiss after kiss. She had suddenly been dizzy and exhausted, barely even able to keep her eyes open. He’d carried her to his room, given her a shirt to wear, and tucked her in for the night.

Well, fuck, that was embarrassing! What was he going to think of her now that she had gotten too drunk off a few fruity drinks to even stay awake? Goddammit… There went her chance to get rid of that stupid virginity too. Gratefully, she reached for the pills and water, popping them back with ease, even as she made a promise to herself to never drink again. It wasn’t worth it if the way her head was feeling right now was anything to go by.

Y/N groaned, dragging a hand down her face and setting the cup back on the nightstand. Okay, time to evaluate—she had options here. She could get dressed, sneak downstairs, and pretend like nothing had ever happened. Or she could stay burrowed in his shirt, go down to see what the breakfast he’d mentioned was, and see if he’d still let her try again. If she were being honest with herself, she would have preferred the second option. He was handsome, kind, and apparently caring enough to tuck a strange girl in his bed because she’d drank too much. She definitely wanted her first time to be with him.

Well. That settled it, then.

She slid out of bed, moving towards the dresser mirror long enough to run her fingers through her hair, making sure crimson curls at least looked presentable before padding down the hallway and a large staircase. The scent of bacon and eggs hit her immediately, making her mouth water as she followed it to where she presumed the kitchen to be. Silently, she walked up behind him, sliding slender arms around his waist from behind, burying her face in the broad expanse of uncovered, muscled back.

“Well, good morning to you too, baby.” He chuckled, glancing over his shoulder at her. “I’m guessing you found the note and painkillers, huh? Poor baby, I bet your head is pounding. Go sit down and get comfy. Breakfast just needs to be plated up. Bacon and eggs will get rid of any hangover you might have, I promise.”

Y/N found herself reluctant to let go, brushing a soft kiss between his shoulder blades before forcing herself to take a step back. “I did. Thank you so much for that, by the way. I’m so sorry I fell asleep; you must think me such an idiot.” She groaned, dragging a tired hand down her face, even as she obediently perched in one of the kitchen chairs. “I promise, I really did want to come home with you. I wanted you. Want you.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that we’re at least still on the same page, princess.” He hummed, plating up her food and setting it in front of her, kissing her head tenderly before taking a seat opposite the girl. “Nah, I don’t think you’re an idiot. You already told me it was your first time out like that. I’m guessing it was your first time drinking too?” A little laugh escaped him at the glum nod of her head, the crimson dancing along freckled caramel cheeks. “It’s alright, baby. You eat up, and if you still want me after you have some food in your stomach, well…The corner of his lips tilted upwards in an amused little smirk. “I’m sure we can figure out what to do about that.”

She paused, her emerald eyes widening and her hand pausing with the fork mid-air as her gaze shot up to meet his. “Really? Even after all that, you still want me?” She questioned, shy hesitation creeping into her voice.

“Mmm. Maybe you just look too good in my shirt, sweetheart. Maybe I haven’t been able to stop thinking about kissing you, feeling you under my hands. Maybe I dreamed about how pretty you’d look coming undone.” Heeseung hummed calmly, as though the admission were nothing at all, though mischief twinkled in his eyes as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips, taking a long sip. “First things first, though. Eat. I promise it’ll make you feel much better.” He cajoled softly.

“Alright, alright.” She agreed, though the crimson on her cheeks remained. Admittedly….. The bacon and eggs looked and smelled utterly delicious. And when she had finished moments later, she had to admit it was already helping her feel a little bit better, her migraine finally beginning to let up.

Y/N paused for a moment before she was sliding out of her seat, padding around the table to slip onto his lap, straddling him carefully, and draping her arms around her neck. Was it far bolder than she normally was? Yes, but God, she ached for this man. Had been aching. “I should probably warn you,” she admitted, even as she instinctively rolled her hips down against him. “I’ve never done this before, so I may not know exactly what I’m doing.”

A low groan escaped him as she rocked against him, the shirt doing little to act as a barrier between them. “Hey, that’s completely okay, sweetheart. I know more than enough for both of us, okay? All I need you to do is tell me if anything is too much.” He dipped his head, lips brushing along her throat, leaving a scatter of dark marks in their wake. God, she looked beautiful with his marks, and he couldn't help but commit each little mewl that fell from her lips to memory.

“Tell you what, baby. Why don’t we start nice and easy, huh? I’ll pick you up, real safe and sound, and carry you upstairs. We can take a nice, hot shower together. I’ll kiss the ever-loving hell out of you and get you feeling nice and relaxed for me, hmm? I promise, I’ll take such good care of you.” He kissed his way back up her jaw, cupping her face as he stole her lips with his own. He could get drunk off kissing her; he knew he could.

“Fuck…” she moaned, tipping her head to grant him access to her throat, her fingers tangling in dark locks and clutching on tightly. “Heeseung, please~! “She mewled, unsure of what exactly it was she was asking for. All she knew was that she needed more, needed everything this man could show her, could give her. It was as though some deep, primal part of her had now awoken and was aching only for him.

She met the kiss in kind, heat pooling once more in her stomach, blinding and hot as it coiled and uncoiled, slick already pooling between her thighs, dampening the soft lace that lay between her legs. Even though this had her delirious from pleasure, how much better would it be when she had him touching her? “Shower sounds good.” She agreed breathlessly. “God, yeah, I want that. I want you to touch me so badly. I want you to teach me. Please, Heeseung? ”

“How on earth can I say no to that?” He picked her up with ease, guiding her legs back around his hips as he made quick work of carrying her up to the bathroom, settling her onto the counter with another feverish kiss. “Good girl. Not much longer now, I promise I’ll give you everything you need. Just be a good girl and wait just a moment longer for me.” He ordered softly, reluctantly drawing back. He set to work, turning on the shower, adjusting the temperature until it was just right before kicking off his own sleep pants and turning back to her.

Her mouth goddamn near watered at the sight of him. Firm, muscled thighs to match the rest of him, and… Oh God, he was already so hard. Surely not all of that would be able to fit inside of her! She took a breath, licking her lips in anticipation, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him just yet.

“Come here, beautiful,” he cajoled, helping her back off the counter before his fingers hooked in the hem of his shirt, tugging soft cotton up and over her head. “So gorgeous. You make me want to absolutely ravish you, baby. Cover you in my marks so no man can touch you but me.” A low, possessive growl escaped him as he drew her close, dipping his head to nip along her collarbone, even as his once large, calloused hand lifted to gently cradle her breast. “So perfect for me, I bet you’ll be an angel coming undone.”

A moan left her as his thumb brushed along her nipple teasingly, pressing her hips against him. The feeling of his cock pressing against her was all at once terrifying and thrilling. Shy fingers moved until they could slide between their bodies, curling around him curiously.

Heeseung couldn’t help but moan, tipping his head against her shoulder and nipping at the soft caramel skin once more. “Fuck….. feels good, baby.” Reluctantly, he drew away from her, kissing her head. “Into the shower, sweetheart. I promise I’ll keep touching you, but at this rate, we’ll never make it in.”

His fingers hooked In the hem of her pants, letting them slide down her thighs, before he caught her hand in his own, guiding her under the hot spray carefully, just to step in behind her. It was no hard task to tug her back to his chest, running his hands smoothly over her skin beneath the hot spray. One hand cupped a supple breast once more, the other sneaking it’s way down over her stomach. “Remember, if anything doesn’t feel good, I need you to tell me, okay? ”

The hand continued Its journey downward, drawing needy whines and mewls from her lips as they slid between her thighs, stroking over slick folds. “You’re already so hot and wet for me, aren’t you, Y/N? ”He groaned, the digits easing inside to stroke over the delicate little nub above her entrance, teasing it with skillful little twists of his fingertips against her.

Oh. Oh, that felt incredible. Her eyes widened, a sharp and needy whine escaping her lips as she leaned back into him, her hips rocking into his touch. “Heeseung, please! “Y/N gasped, reaching out to clutch at the wall for purchase. “Oh God, don’t stop, please.”

It was unlike anything she had ever felt before—hot and sharp, the heat in her stomach coiling even tighter as his fingers slid lower, two easing inside. Her legs trembled, weak in the knees, as he wrapped a strong arm around her waist to steady her.

There’s a good girl… Fuck, you feel so hot and tight around my fingers, sweetheart. I bet you’ll feel even better around my cock.” He crooned, his voice a husky rumble in her ear before his lips were once again finding her throat. It was as though he couldn’t get enough—something deep and possessive urging him to leave more and more marks until it would be impossible to miss them.

God, he ached to bury himself in her right now. But he had to be patient. He wanted her to be nice and relaxed for him, and he wanted her first time to be good to her. It was something special she was offering up to him, and he would be damned if he wasted that. “Come on, sweetheart.” He moaned low against her throat, beginning to thrust the digits into her. It wouldn’t take much, he imagined, if no one had touched her this way, and he wanted to watch her fall apart on his fingers before he took her to his bed.

Heat bubbled within her, blindingly hot and dizzying, as she rocked into his touch, desperate to meet each thrust of his fingers in kind. It felt strange; it felt foreign, but it felt amazing. Even just the two digits stretched her open more than she’d ever had before, and when he curled his fingertips to drag along slick walls, she swore she’d seen stars.

He was definitely the right choice.

A moment later, she found herself tipping over the edge, unable to hold back, as her first orgasm hit her hard and fast. “Heeseung!” The cry was sharp, bouncing off the tiled walls to echo through the room as he continued rocking the digits within her, helping her ride out her high.

“Good girl. That’s my good girl,” he praised, slowly pulling the digits out. He chuckled at her whine, kissing the top of her head. “I know. I know, sweetheart. But I don’t think my fingers are enough, huh? So I’m going to pick you up and carry you to my bed. I’m going to lay you out pretty beneath me, and I’m going to make sure you scream.

He turned her carefully, scooping her up bridal style, stealing kiss after feverish kiss as he stepped out of the shower, careful not to slip. He didn’t care that they were both soaked; the sheets would dry. No, all that mattered right now was burying himself in her, making this pretty little thing his.

Y/N clutched on tightly as she was carried, brushing soft, needy kisses and nips to his neck and shoulders as he held her close. All her inhibitions and nerves melted away into nothing—no, there was only this handsome man and his skillful touch. She had no idea that it could be like this, and it was dizzying how badly she wanted more.

Heeseung laid her out gently, guiding her legs apart before moving between them and stealing her lips in a feverish kiss. He wasted no time—no, he needed her now. His hand gripped himself tight as he guided his aching cock against her folds, sinking home in one firm thrust, burying himself to the hilt within her.

Her moan was lost against his lips, her sharp gasp swallowed down as his tongue once more invaded her mouth, exploring every crevice it could, claiming it as his own as his cock did the same. It was overwhelming, but not bad. She felt so damn full. The stretch burned just a little, but that did nothing to diminish her desire. If anything, it left her feeling even more sensitive, with her arms draping around his neck and her legs hooking around his waist.

“Heeseung… fuck fuck fuck, please!”

It seemed as though he needed to be told twice. His hands cupped her hips and slid under her rear as he began to set a fast, hard pace, using his grip on her to guide her up into each rough, unforgiving thrust. “Fuck baby, you feel so good. All mine now; you know that, don’t you? I’m going to fill you up, sweetheart; I’m going to fill you up with my cum; I’m going to claim you inside and out.” He was unsure where the words came from; he’d never been the possessive type, but something about her drove him wild. She was just so damn perfect for him. “Going to breed you, baby, going to fill you so good your stomach swells, so good everyone knows you’re off limits.”

She didn’t know why the idea of that got to her the way it did. She’d never been interested in even the idea of having kids, and the notion of actually being kept had always been more viewed as a hindrance to her schooling and her future career plans. And yet, the thought of her stomach swelling up with his child and of him actually wanting to keep her was even more intoxicating to her.

“Do it!” She mewled, her fingers tangling in his hair, drawing him back in for another desperate kiss. “Please, fuck, I want that so badly, Heeseung. I want everyone to know I’m yours! God, I need it, I need to be full, please, please, please. I’ll be so good for you, please.”

It was as though he had awakened something deep within her and left her wanting for him alone. Each sharp, hard thrust stole her breath and had her gasping and mewling as she writhed beneath him, unable to do much more than simply hang on for the ride.

“I’m so close, baby girl. Just a little more, and I’ll fill you up.” He promised, kissing her over and over again. If he had his way, he was never letting her go. She was his now, and he’d do everything in his power to convince her to stay. One last sharp, and he was spilling himself inside of her with a sharp growl, stealing her lips in one last domineering kiss as he pressed deep, let his seed fill her completely.

Her body tightened around him, as though trying to milk him for everything he had, the feeling of hot liquid rushing inside of her sending her over the edge once more. Her fingers found his back, her nails clawing and scratching as she scrabbled for purchase to ride out her moans and sobs of delight escaping her lips.

He fucked her through It hard before finally falling beside her, rolling them until he was comfortably on his back, drawing her to lay atop him in a way that let him stay buried in that slick heat, dragging a comforter up over them.

“Feeling good, baby?” he questioned, carding a gentle hand through her hair even as she snuggled all too contentedly into him. God, she was cute…

“So good,” she agreed, her voice breathless and sleepy as she nuzzled into his chest. “Did you really mean it? About keeping me? ”

“I did,” Heeseung promised, surprised to find just how much he meant that. “I know it might be a little bit backwards considering… but I’d really like to try this with you, sweetheart. I hate the idea of you leaving my arms, of you being too far away. Is that alright, baby? I know you have your studies, and I have work, and both those things can be a little crazy. But if you let me, I promise I’ll do such a good job taking care of you.”

“I…” She hesitated for only a moment, biting her lip nervously. It was supposed to only be a one-night stand, just her taking control to lose her virginity and shut up her friends. But if this handsome, strong man who made her feel so fucking good and so incredibly safe actually wanted her… Who was she to say no?

“Alright,” she agreed softly, brushing kisses along his collarbone sleepily. “I can’t promise I’ll be any good at this; I haven’t really dated very much, and school has always been my priority. But if you really want to try this, we can try.” Y/N agreed, her eyes heavy.

Heeseung couldn’t help a fond chuckle, her hand sliding to caress her back sweetly beneath the blanket. She was so damn cute. “There’s my good girl. I’ll help you learn, okay? We’ll figure it out together as we go. Poor little honey, I think that second orgasm really hit you hard. Why don’t you get some sleep, sweetheart? We can figure it all out when…” He paused, glancing down at her. Her eyes were closed, her breathing steady, and her fingers curled against his chest. “Huh. Guess I didn’t need to do much coaxing there.” He murmured to himself, rolling his eyes in amusement.

Content that she was safe and happy, he let his own eyes grow heavy, joining her in sleep a moment later.

#lee heeseung #lee heesung x reader #heeseung smut #enhypen smut #lee heeseung smut #18+ mdni

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comicaurora · 1 year

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are you scared of the whole AI art thing? What do you think about it?

"Scared" is the wrong word, I think. "Pissed" is probably more accurate. The technology underlying the concept is interesting, but its current form transparently functions by mining data from artists who didn't consent to have their work used like that. Arguments over whether it's "real art" or whatever aside, that is unethical and gross and a class-action lawsuit waiting to happen.

I think the people scared that this is going to replace actual living artists are severely overestimating the technology at play here and possibly don't understand computers very much.

The reason why computers are a fascinating mix of very smart and very stupid is because they are only good at doing exactly what they are told. Human thought, communication and creation is based on a process of flexible interpretation. Our brains take in patterns of light and sound and interpret them into shapes and figures and speech - a process that is imperfect, messy and susceptible to any number of disruptions from minor chemical alterations to major brain injuries. We read text and subtext and emotional undertones into what we hear, we extrapolate assumptions from the things we see. It's an extremely messy process with a lot of room for error, as evinced by miscommunications, corner-of-the-eye shadow people, "are you mad at me I feel like you're mad at me", getting hangry, assigning personalities to car taillights, audio processing disorders, and about a million other human idiosyncrasies.

Art, down to its bones, is about interpretation - the artist interpreting a slice of the world and the audience interpreting that art. This is why no two people experience the same story the same way, and why no two artists create the same work.

Computers, in contrast, are not messy. Or, to be more accurate, they aren't naturally messy. They do exactly what they are told. They have no context, no axioms, no common sense and no rules except what they're given. A human told to write a sentence over and over again and never being told to stop will eventually get bored or tired or hungry or pissed and stop. A computer told to 'while 1: printf("Hello World!")' will do it forever until the power goes out or someone notices and forces it to stop. A person told "hey man can you go to the store and get me a mango, and if they have apples get five" will acquire a mango and possibly five apples. A computer told the same instruction may well turn up with five mangos. A computer won't do anything if you forget to close a parenthesis or put in a semicolon somewhere in a thousand lines of code because it's doing exactly what it's told. The eternal frustration of computer science is figuring out why the stupid computer isn't doing what you told it to do, and the answer is always "you didn't tell it what to do right. Find the missing parenthesis. Don't capitalize that one variable."

An artist told to paint a fantastical landscape might paint beautiful mountains or flying cities or the high, arching curves of Saturn-style rings or ancient ruins or massive skeletons or any number of things. A computer told to render a fantastical landscape will, as I understand it, comb through a database it's been given by a human, find works a human or a human-trained algorithm tagged with "fantastical" "landscape" (or, if it's been made a little more complex, a word-web of other tags commonly added by a human to things tagged with "fantastical" and "landscape") and use a very impressive program created by a human to recombine them into a mashup of "fantastical" "landscapes" that may or may not parse correctly to the human who looks at it. The computer doesn't know. The computer isn't thinking. It's just doing what it's been told to do.

If we stop thinking of computers like people that are going to take our jobs and start thinking of them like tools that people use, the whole situation becomes a lot clearer. The technology isn't the problem. The people who baked in stolen datasets and the people who are using the tool to be dicks to artists are the problem. I'm not scared of the tech and I'm not scared of the people - I just wish they'd stop being dicks.

And even if we do reach the theoretical point where a computer can create art that actually stands up to scrutiny - you know, where the hands don't look like calamari plates and the eyes and teeth don't blur together and sharp delineating lines between clothing and skin don't just sort of dissolve into shadowy vagueness - I think that'll be the point we just shift into the "holy shit! two cakes!!" zone. 3D animation didn't make 2D animation obsolete. 4K screens didn't kill pixel art. The printing press didn't kill painting. Video only killed the radio star until podcasts brought them back. People enjoy lots of things.

#asks #not aurora #art stuff

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mariacallous · 2 months

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An air raid alert has just started when Victoria Itskovych joins a Zoom call from Kyiv. “It’s, like, a usual situation,” she says. “But really, it’s not usual.” February 24 will mark the second anniversary of Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine. For nearly two years now, Kyiv has been under bombardment. Some weeks, people have to trudge to their shelters night after night, checking text alerts and Telegram channels to figure out where the missiles are falling and when it’s safe to come out—although, it’s never really safe.

That relentless stress, and the trauma of losing family, friends, and colleagues on the front, has taken its toll. A poll by the city government last year found that 80 percent of residents reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine has exposed the whole of Ukrainian society to battle shock. “We’ve all suffered from this,” says Itskovych, who is director of the Kyiv City Council’s IT department. “Almost every person has somebody who was injured or died during the war, or lost their home or lost their health.”

In the face of such widespread injury, the Kyiv government has turned to Ukraine’s now-famous civic tech infrastructure for help. As the war enters its third year, the municipal government is starting to build a citywide system for providing mental health support to citizens. It’s a vast challenge, but also a unique opportunity—the first time that such a mass-trauma event has happened to a society that has already built the tools of digital government. Dealing with the mental health impacts of the invasion will be absolutely vital to keep society resilient, functioning, and committed enough to repel the invaders. It’s also the key to Ukraine’s postwar recovery, laying the groundwork now for a society that can rebuild itself physically and psychologically from the horrors of war. “This is the future of our society,” Itskovych says. “We are building the basis for the resilience of the community itself.”

At the heart of the plan is the Kyiv government’s digital platform, Kyiv Digital, which it launched in 2017. Before the invasion, it was largely used to manage parking and public transport, and to notify residents of disruptions to services such as road closures or power outages. When the war began, those notifications became more urgent: incoming attacks, the locations of bomb shelters, and the safest routes to reach them. Like other parts of Ukraine’s civilian technology, the city pivoted its tools to keep people safe and support the war effort, bootstrapping and rewiring the systems at pace.

“The first changes to the notifications we did in hours,” says Oleg Polovynko, adviser on digitalization to Kyiv’s mayor. Since then, the digital teams have been engaged in a constant cycle of innovation, trying to figure out what services they can bring online. The war has pushed them to act more quickly, to adapt tools they have and invent things that don’t exist.

They’ve expanded tools for civic participation, letting citizens vote on petitions, send feedback to the city government, and ask for help, such as financial support to repair bomb-damaged homes. And they’ve collected a lot of data, which is how the Kyiv government has been able to measure the scale of the city’s distress—and people’s reluctance to seek help. Of the 80 percent of residents who show signs of trauma, “40 to 45 percent are afraid to have contact with doctors who can help,” Polovynko says.

But this is only half of the problem that needs solving. For those who do want to seek treatment, there simply aren’t enough resources to help them. Clinical psychologists are supposed to limit the number of patient consultations they do in a day, so they don’t burn out. Before the full-scale invasion, Inna Davydenko saw a maximum of four patients daily. Today, Davydenko, a mental health specialist at the City Center of Neurorehabilitation in Kyiv, sees twice that number. When we speak, she’s just finished a video call with a soldier stationed near the front, whom she’s helping cope with stress and anxiety.

Even before the war massively increased the number of people dealing with trauma, depression, and anxiety, Ukraine’s medical system suffered from an underinvestment in mental health provision. “In most hospitals, you have maybe one psychologist. In good hospitals, it’s maybe two,” Davydenko says. “A lot of people need psychological help, but we can’t cover everything.” There is simply no way that the current system can grow to match the enormous jump in demand. But, Davydenko says, “almost every Ukrainian person has a smartphone.”

This is exactly what Polovynko and Itskovych want to exploit, using Kyiv Digital’s platforms and data to digitize mental health support for the city, and so close the gap between need and resources. Their project will focus first on those they’ve identified as being most vulnerable—war veterans and children—and those most able to help others: teachers and parents. The next six months of the project will be a “discovery stage,” Polovynko says. “We need to understand the real life of our veterans now, of the children, of the parents, what’s their context, how they survive, what services they use.”

The project will track people through the process of recovering from trauma, monitoring the treatments they ask for and the ones they receive, their concerns as they move through the mental health system, and their outcomes. Once the team has a detailed map of services and bottlenecks, and data on what’s working and what’s not, they can match individual needs with treatments. A full roll-out is scheduled for early 2025.

“It doesn't mean that the whole chain of the service will be absolutely digital,” Itskovych says. Some patients may be directed to group therapy or one-on-one meetings with psychologists, others will be given access to online tools. The aim, she says, is to create efficiency, to close the service gap, but also to provide comfort, meeting people where they are. “For a big part of our clients, there is more comfort with getting the service online, in different ways. Some people are not comfortable meeting a specialist one-on-one; they prefer a digital way to get the service.”

The project is being supported financially and operationally by Bloomberg Philanthropies, a charitable organization created by former New York mayor and Bloomberg founder Michael Bloomberg. James Anderson, head of government innovation at the organization, says that the project comes at a critical time for Kyiv, where people continue to suffer even though global attention has shifted away to other crises.

“There's always a tremendous amount of attention when the immediate crisis hits,” Anderson says. “But mayors continue to have to deal with the human costs of crises, long after the newspapers have turned to new subjects. That’s certainly what we sense and see in Kyiv.”

The size of the challenge in Kyiv is clearly daunting. But, Anderson says, there are reasons for optimism. Cities have got better over the past two decades at responding to common crises, such as Covid-19, which also required rapid, mass digitization of services. “Every crisis is distinct and different, and awful, in its own way,” Anderson says, “but there are lessons learned.” The Kyiv government, and Ukrainian society more widely, have demonstrated a capacity for rapid innovation to meet urgent needs, and Anderson hopes that success in this project could see it replicated internationally. “This is not the last war. This is not the last crisis,” he says. “I think Kyiv has lessons that they can share with cities around the globe.”

For Kyiv, and Ukraine, the crisis won’t end when the war does. “Psychological health is the number one problem for Ukraine,” Davydenko says, before correcting herself. “Number one is Russia, number two is our psychological health,” she says. “PTSD is our future.”

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solitude4chiron · 11 months

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“Fashion Killa”

Earth 42 Miles x black fem reader

May or may not be a Pt.2 🫣

About ig?: Little bit (maybe more than a little) of Angst and fluff, smoking, kissing but nothing further than that, music, nostalgia, slight songfic using the song “Fashion Killa“ by A$AP Rocky because music is my personality andddd I think that’s all?????

Alr so first post, and first time writing abt any character… I gave up taking Spanish so pls spare me a little 🙏🏾 and if you do write and see anything you could give constructive criticism on it would be deeply appreciated, anywaysss

The message pinged through your phone disrupting your daydreaming session after a boiling hot shower, you still lay on the bed clutching the top of your towel in case someone barged in. Knowing you’ve lived alone for a few weeks after your boyfriend cut off all communication with you, with the world, but we never officially broke up. So I assume he’s still mine and I’m still his.

“Voy para allá ahora, ma, algo emocionante viene hacia ti. -Amor M” (I’m coming over now ma, something exciting coming your way. -Love M)

Your feet sprang up with the excitement of being able to see miles, the negative feeling your heart stored for weeks crumbled and dropped on the floor. Disappearing from hearing from him. You brush past your anger and focus on the positive, like always.

You and miles had been dating for a year now and it was the longest heart wrenching year of your life, within him being the prowler, living in a city with no hero to protect it and most of all. Breaking open his nonchalant attitude caused by Grief. It had been a lot for you both, but still holding on was the best thing you could do for your heart. Hoping through everything his love for you would never waver.

And within that thought a knock came from the door, you squeezed past the groceries still on the floor after you brung them in a few hours ago to unlock the door for miles, you would hope through all this time was still yours.

“Hi Y/N missed you baby”

And you stared at your lover, cuts sharpening his already hardened face. Hair knotted and neglected, you would assume from being on the run, and clothes slightly ripped. Even though you could still tell he was putting on his best for you. A crate of your favorite things filled one of his arms as you peered inside, 2 vinyls. Long Live A$AP and Nostalgia Ultra, a bouquet of tiger lily’s. Tiny jewelry boxes stacked on one another and some other trinkets and candy’s you would sprawl out on your bed and Indulge in with miles.

You couldn’t say nor do anything. After Miles’s disappearing act a few weeks ago, seeing him and you within feet of each other made your heart ache to converse with him about every thought that was polluting your mind for weeks.

“I missed you miles, everything about you. Your smile and voice rolling r’s in every word, your music filling my halls in the morning, the smoke on your breath after a long stressful day, braiding your hair. I missed us. Where were you baby? Why did you run?” While choking back tears you kept your head down avoiding eye contact. It shielded you from shedding any more tears while being vulnerable.

“Los siento Amor, (I’m sorry love) I know. I got caught up in some deep shit. I know it hurts you who I am. Deep down I can tell you wish I wasn’t runnin the streets. Yo también ma. (I do too ma)” He said in a disappointed manner because he was disappointed in himself. For almost losing the love of his life.

Realizing y’all were still talking in the doorframe of your apartment. You grabbed and pulled him by his free hand to our room where he put the decorated crate on your sketch filled desk before flopping on our bed and laying his head in your crossed legs. Prompting you to take out his old braids while looking through the box.

“Miles how did you find these? I thought they were discontinued?” You said. Slightly shocked at how well he knew you. Or maybe how well he remembered you

“I have my ways, but I’m hopeful that you still realize I love you, even with the time we weren’t communicating. Lo seinto mami” (I’m sorry Mami) he stated so low it felt like an intimate whisper as he tilted his head back in my lap to lock eyes with me

And that sentence made your stomach coil, because you knew what he did. How it provided for you and his family, and in some piece of your heart deep down you wanted to be mad, so mad, but his guard was down. So you anticipated your words before saying them. Trying not to ruin the moment of vulnerability

“Cuidado, (careful) you trying to hurt me?” He said jokingly and you adjusted your hands while playing in his coils forgetting he was slightly tender headed

“Miles baby, I love you so so much, but when you’re in these situations you need to tell me something. Anything, I’m not as strong as you, Lord knows that. You know that. Just communicate with me baby. Please.”

And as if he could feel the tears forming in your eyes he got up from his spot, cupped your face within his rough hands and pressed kisses on your forehead and lips.

“I’m sorry y/n, I promise. Don’t cry over me. Open your gifts babe, everything I do is for you.”

And as time passed you opened boxes of rings with both of your initials engraved in them. Bags of candy that melted in your mouth (you made sure to share with miles popping them into his mouth from above him) old and newly released clothes because fashion is your favorite thing in the world, and little childhood toys you always wanted but expressed you couldn’t afford as a child

You get up to play y’all favorite album and hear miles groan a bit from the sudden movement. You spin the records he got you, listening to the music while talking and taking out his braids. Combing out the old dirt and gel buildup at his roots so it was easier for you to wash later

And somehow your on the last box, after hours of opening gifts and wrappers littering your floor (you knew that gift giving was Miles’s love language so it wasn’t surprising) he asks for you to close your eyes and allow him to open it for you. Coldness draped over your neck while Miles’s breath from behind raised your senses. As fashion killa played from our record player you felt love admitting from him while behind you.

As the song played you remembered the nights you and him would smoke together in our room, window open, moonlight shining through allowing his brown skin to look blue. Lips pressed to each other, tongues exploring each others mouths through each exhale of smoke. Tumbling through our small Brooklyn apartment kissing and touching on each other, backs pressed to each wall in the house. He would call you his fashion killa and sing the lyrics about how he adored your Dior knowing proudly he bought it for you.

“You can open your eyes now Y/N”

And in the mirror you stared in awe at a one and only piece wrapped around your neck. A crystal drop orb pendant necklace. Vivienne Westwood a piece of fashion you’d studied for years since you were a little black girl, feeling a sense you would never have it draped across your neck dripping drown your collar bone.

Until now

So you pulled him in, and wrapped your arm around his neck using your free hand to play in his freshly detangled hair. Standing on the tip of your toes to reach his cocoa butter covered lips that were now glossy from your clear lip gloss.

“you look cute with my lipgloss on pretty boy” you teased as he rolled his eyes

“shii if you like it I love it ma” and the statement warmed your stomach

Through slight groans from miles and intimate whispers you both expressed your longing for each other very well. One of his hands traced your curvy frame as his other was occupied on holding you up against the wall whilst your legs wrapped around his waist.

“I want you at my level Y/N, not at the tip of your toes. Right in front of my face.”

“You kno you fine huh?” You muttered between sharp breaths

“Definitely do.” He replied almost instantly kissing your collar bones while your eyes lowered in pleasure

do y’all fw this?

#miles morales x reader #across the spider verse spoilers #miles morales #across the spiderverse #Milesmorales x black fem reader #spiderman atsv #prowler miles #miles 42 x reader #hobie brown x reader next maybeee?#Y’all want pt2??#black reader #Spotify

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lookbluesoup · 1 year

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So while I get that Gridanians live under these.... essentially toddler-gods who can afflict the entire territory with horrible plague, who will severely punish well-intentioned children that were manipulated by adults instead of the adult, and can't communicate their desires clearly, which leads the community to adopt a lot of hostility to change, paranoia, hate and even violence toward outsiders, etc...

Unless there's more explanation for this I haven't found? I know I'm not 100% up to speed on everything Gridania, especially pre-ARR....

Keepers of the Moon were living in the Black Shroud outside of Gridanian authority, for generations, presumably not being laserbeamed out of existence. There would have been a lot going on outside of the Seedseer's effective reach, and there aren't Moonkeeper Padjal to make up the gap there, only Hyur get to be Padjal.

Miqo'te are described as traditionally being far more in tune with nature and eschewing things like major city developments and whatnot. They're predators, yes, but predators have a place and function in the natural balance of the world.

"Beast Tribes" are a made up word from Ul'dah to protect trade monopolies in Thanalan, and Miqo'te could easily have ended up on the wrong side of that label if the rich elites had wanted them barred from the city. Historically, they're a lot more "feral" than a lot of the other spoken races.

I mention all this because it's unlikely the Elementals divide people into Beast Tribes and Human Races. Sylph's aren't being deleted by the Elementals, either, despite certainly having no inclination to live like the Gridanians do and being fairly mischievous.

My point being... I wonder if maybe the Gridanians kind of brought the Greenwrath on themselves. A lot of the time. The same way that some IRL religious institutions preach hate in the name of a deity and stir paranoia and fear of eternal condemnation. They create sins where there didn't need to be... Justifying division and destruction and isolation out of fear (and thus a need for control), and actually creating their own problems.

Elementals might not care about a lot of the stuff Gridania does, its clear a few times when something bad happens to someone, even just getting sick, panic strikes that the Elementals are behind it and people act irrationally out of fear, like the IRL Salem Witch Trials.

If you look at places like Haukke Manor... a country living in balance with nature does not need massive monuments to vanity like that. And there's apparently a whole quarter devoted to mansions for nobility in Gridania (which the npc says we're not allowed to visit.) Why do you have that. Why do you think that promotes peace with the natural world.

There's Wood Wailers who talk about wanting to kill Moonkeepers on sight, just in case they're "poachers." That's sort of like killing wolves because they're predators. Outside of some genuine bad apples, though, a lot of what seems to drive actual Moonkeeper poachers AND Duskwight Elezen to banditry is a straight up need to survive. Gridania's essential demand that they have dictatorial rights over management of the forest leads them to disrupt these group's lives, sometimes with exceptional cruelty.

I know that "central authority" is kind of... not super really a thing for Gridania, power is pretty divided up and a lot of it seems to run on an honor system. But that seems to have led to a lot of Process Loss and enabled a lot of prejudice and abuse to run rampant. Especially now that the Elementals are weaker than pre-Calamity.

I guess basically I wonder if the reason Sylphs and traditional Moonkeeper clans managed to survive out there was because, unlike Gridania, they don't have social systems built from the ground up on fear and condemnation. They're not constantly LOOKING for reasons to think the Elementals hate them and someone to blame for it.

They just live "natural" lives, that aren't inherently dangerous to the overall balance of the forest ecosystem, and they don't have an entire religious/government body dedicated to trying to interpret vague impressions from the Elementals (this is a HORRIBLE system of government and EXTREMELY susceptible to personal prejudices/bias), so these non-Gridanians run into conflict with the Elementals far less often.

i.e. Moonkeeper kills a rabbit, uses the meat, skin, and bones, is behaving like a hunter, Elementals don't care. VERSUS Gridanian kills a rabbit, uses it the same way, but then a villager gets sick and their friends panic and they turn into a mob and punish the Gridanian, Elementals didn't care but now they're a little pissy bc you're disrupting the forest with your insanity.

Basically... Gridania is the real affront to the Elementals, their very infrastructure and their culture of micromanaging the forest and constantly looking for scapegoats, kind of flies in the face of actually living in balance with nature. The Elementals aren't omnipotent or a unified group, and seem to struggle to understand human minds anyway, so they're trying to work with this city-state and have established some kind of partnership, but Gridania is really its own worst enemy.

#ffxiv #ff14 #miqote #gridania #keeper of the moon #elementals #padjal #sylph #seedseer #duskwight #lore #meta #shower thoughts #text #long post

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elliegoose · 6 months

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Big mental health/life post, because i really wanna put this stuff down on the page and could use the feeling of being heard right about now.

in the summer because of some unfortunate stuff i moved halfway across the country to live with my parents. then some other stuff happened that ended up incidentally triggering some really extreme bipolar episodes--that's why i was in the psych ward a couple months ago and also why i took an unannounced hiatus from this blog for most of october--and ever since then i've been just... struggling kind of a lot.

i feel disconnected from my art, my sexuality, cooking, music, and most things that have been important to me. i don't feel the sense of home that i used to have out in texas. i'm anxious and down most of the time. i feel especially disconnected from the kink communities that used to be kind of the center of my online social life. this has been a particularly difficult emotional blow to endure and a particularly large reason why i've felt so awful.

in the past month, i've developed an inexplicable social anxiety that's horrible to deal with as someone who's normally very outgoing and who used to find socializing very easy. now, though, i'm often just filled with self-doubt and panic while trying to socialize with people, which is making it incredibly difficult to keep building the new friendships i've started to foster out here in my new city.

i'm just doing the best i can every day, attending my IOP program, applying the skills i've been learning there as diligently as possible, keeping up with my hobbies (for as disconnected as i feel from art i'm still doing quite a bit of it, and picking up the banjo has done so much to sustain what little of my mental health i still have), getting out into nature, going to a lot of fun events (drag shows, happy hours, full moon rituals, ttrpg/boardgame nights, furry meetups, folk musician meetups, etc.) and hanging out with the folks i meet there as often as i'm able even despite all my newfound social anxiety, but even with all that i'm just... persistently in emotional pain that i don't know how to effectively alleviate.

i know part of it is that i'm out of work, and i know having a job will give my life more structure, but i also know that's not the whole of what's happening here. i've been out of work before and it's not affected me this badly. it's also that i'm lonely, deeply unsure of myself after making some unwise decisions and having to face so many of my flaws, grappling with my disproportionate senses of shame, anxiety, and responsibility, yearning for more purpose and autonomy than i currently have, wanting to feel like i'm contributing to something larger than myself, and anxious after going through so much chaos and repeated disruption and loss.

i'm glad my IOP demands sobriety because it's been a struggle to not use alcohol as a crutch.

fucking... life. it's been a goddamn year for sure.

#elise.rtf

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cipheramnesia · 3 months

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I started "A Girl & Her Dog" but just put a bunch of things together so I need to start it over. Or do I? Maybe things changed since last time. I consider any margin under five percent effectively a tie.

Propaganda under the cut.

Saw Down Heaven: The sequel to a Nanowrimo novel, Girl Bites God, picks up the story with Alice Buzzsaw, the reanimated corpse of one of the religious zealots killed last novel, who has become home to a small colony of emotionally sensitive mutant tapeworms. She is taken in by "Iggy," a disabled superstring mechanic who is trying to separate her neighborhood from the authorian oppression of the FCC grid, which helps to prevent the physical world from experiencing a sudden catastrophic entropic collapse but is also used to rigorously oppress the ability of the US population to experience free thought. In the same neighborhood lives AthenA6, former involuntarily institutionalized experimental guinea pig, now subject of a resumed national manhunt due to her ability to process the disruptive anomalous energy trying to destroy all physical matter, ever since the last FCC chairman was killed by a mutated video spider. This is enough of an excuse to lay seige to the upstart off grid community, but they'll have to contend with Alice Buzzsaw, AthenA6, and other locals like Fireball Jill who don't want any cops on their streets. Ghastly, gory anarchy.

A Girl And Her Dog: Intentionally rude and obviously reactive counter to Harlan Ellison's "A Boy And His Dog," not to mention purposefully arrogant to even think of such an undertaking. Roz is a former inhabitant of one of the underground cities on a planet colonized by humans in a far, far distant future which, several thousand years after colonization had the human civilization destroyed thanks to a disaster which resulted in a second sun and a hostile radioactive surface, and the story itself takes place several hundred more years after the disaster. Once imprisoned and abused by the brutal psychic warlord and god eater Viktor Blud, she is returning to his menagerie in the crystal forest for revenge. Her companion is Champ, one of the animals mistreated by Vik, a sort of lizard ant eater pangolin porcupine creature roughly the size of a wolf and with retractable teeth. Champ had a kind of powerful empathic sensitivity that allows him to navigate and sometimes avoid the psychic domination of Vik, and with Roz they have a plan to turn the tables, but it's going to take a lot of dead gods. Luckily, the whole planet is lousy with em. They're joined by Mel, a deserter from the giants teeth valley, formerly a soldier in their dragon tooth army but now fascinated by the road to revenge Roz is walking. It's going to be ugly and messy.

Short Change Hero: Obsidian Bonesplinter made the jump from ensemble ttrpg character to main character of her own world and there's not any going back. Dishwasher at mob front by day, bouncer by night, once in awhile part time knee cap breaker, she's perfectly content with drinking her way through a haze of meaningless sex and violence until a few of her friends from back home show up to visit in the big city. They barely even make it out of the train station before one of the girls is brutally murdered and then they make an even worse mistake: talking to the city guards. Now Obsidian has to untangle the mess of dirty cops and mobsters that goes all the way to the top - which she already knew, but it's a lot different when it's actively trying to kill her and her two friends instead of passively letting her drink and fight herself to death. A hardboiled detective story in a noir fantasy setting. The only thing shorter than Obsidian is her temper.

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anthropologist-on-the-loose · 1 year

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What is your stance on writing ethnographies involving illegal activites, in particular squatters and city squats? i have a great interest in them yet i cant help but think no paper can ever be written if my findings are 90% incriminating stuff. ofc i can go the no name no address but that is definitely not enough.

Oh I love this question. I think ethnographies involving illegal activities are fantastic and fascinating and important; how do people on the fringes or who are disenfranchised from mainstream society go about their lives? Why are they disenfranchised, and what kind of communities do they form? Why are their activities illegal? Should they be decriminalized? How would decriminalization affect individuals in these communities? And a whole host of other questions. I've seen some great ethnographic pieces involving less-than-legal activities so they're definitely possible (in fact I just read an anthropological article about common resources that had a whole section on squatting, DM me and I can send a PDF). The question is how to go about it, and how reasonable it would be to ethically make an ethnography about a specific community.

Like you said, there's some difficult ethics involved, the biggest one being the potential to put your ethnographic cooperators at risk of harm (legal or otherwise). We've all read those types of journalistic ethnographies where someone interviews a few individuals for an article titled something like, "This is what it's like to be a professional sex worker" or "A former drug addict talks about the world of drug deals", but creating a full-blown ethnography has a higher chance of disrupting a whole community than a conversation with a single individual.

There's a few key things to keep in mind when doing ethnographic work with illegal communities. The first and most important part of any ethnography is to include the people you're working with in all parts of the process. There's been a movement to make anthropological work in general a cooperative endeavor with groups of people rather than about groups of people.*

One of the best ways to ensure the safety of ethnographic participants is quite simply to ask them how to best maintain their safety. People who are involved in illicit activities or communities usually already know the best ways to stay safe, and they are almost certainly going to know better than an outside researcher. Maybe anonymity is enough, maybe it's not. Discuss these things with participants, ask them what would or would not be comfortable with being public knowledge. Let people know that not everything needs to be in the final product, and that they have a say in how it turns out.

Of course, as the researcher you also have to be aware of potential issues and ensure that they are talked about. Sometimes the opinion of what is safe from one individual does not reflect the opinions of the broader community, and it is important to take that into account. There's also a degree of using your own best judgement about what kind of information it is ethical to publish; the same is true for any scientific field.

Another important aspect is asking yourself is what kind of information you need to focus on a particular research question, and how that specific information might incriminate people. Let's use your topic of squatters as an example. You could probably include discussions of peoples' opinions on squatting and some of their lived realities without incriminating anyone. Someone sharing that they believe housing should be free, or how they ended up in their particular situation would probably be fine. Including which neighborhoods are the best for squatting would probably be dangerous unless that's an already widely known fact in that city. Maybe you can include most of someone's story, but have to exclude bits where they talk about visiting a specific nearby spot. There's lots of things that can be done to increase anonymity while still sharing meaningful information. Oftentimes, you won't know exactly how it will until you jump in.

I got a bit rambly and more incoherent towards the end there, but to summarize: I think ethnographies involving illegal activities are great and can be done ethically, keeping in mind that it might take more effort (and editing) to ensure the safety of all participants and their communities.

*A bit of probably unnecessary history of anthropology, but anthropology has a long and bad history of taking some of the worst parts of Western scientific thought and applying it to the study of people - particularly the faulty idea of "objectivity". The idea was that people can't view themselves objectively because they are too enmeshed in their own culture to be able to observe it, so we needed "unbiased" Western-trained scientists to be able to identify the true meanings behind a culture's idiosyncrasies. Obviously the idea that Western research academics are unbiased is utter bullshit, but the assumption that only an outsider can view a culture objectively has unfortunately stuck around. A huge problem that arises from this paternalistic mindset is the notion that academics and outside authorities know what is best for a community rather than listening to the people who are part of that community.

#this got very long and i'm not sorry #i'm also not double checking it or reading it over so their might be issues with the writing but meh whatever #anon #ask #in which i say things #the anthro life #anthropology #ethnography

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eobarried · 10 months

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let’s talk about the parallels in spiderverse between visions academy and spider society because this is driving me insane as an educator.

in order to do that, we need some context about what visions is, because not everybody lives in a place where there’s a lot of charter school. basically, a charter school is an independent school that still receives government funding. it’s not required to adhere to the same curriculum or standards as the public school systems - instead it runs off of a “charter” or a document that chronicles the school’s mission and academic standards. the school is publicly funded only if that charter is upheld. because charter schools are not limited in the ways that public schools are, they often have a better student to teacher ratio, higher student achievement and graduation rates, and better facilities.

because of this, in cities like new york, desire for charter schools boomed. this was because at the time charter schools were instituted in nyc, the public schools were struggling to just keep up with the number of students enrolled. not only were schools overcrowded, but they were underfunded, and especially those in low-income neighborhoods were struggling with academic success and graduation rates. nyc thought that charter could help with these issues. but charter schools were so popular because of these issues, that not every student was able to attend.

and that leads us to spiderverse. at the start of the movie, miles is driving to school with his father. his jefferson (his father), is excited for miles to start at visions academy, the charter that miles has been accepted to. miles, however, isn’t so sure. miles replies that the only reason why he’s there is because he won the lottery.

lotteries were implemented in places like nyc where the demand for charter schools was incredibly high. parents could place their child’s name in (a la hunger games) for a chance to attend a school similar to visions academy. a clean, high-achieving school that would ensure a bright future for their student. miles points out that he’s just one of the lucky students who has his name pulled.

meanwhile, jefferson disagrees. he tells miles that he still passed the entry exam required to attend visions, and that miles earned his spot at the institution based on his own merit.

this conversation helps to distinguish a main theme that carries throughout the spiderverse saga. miles believes that everyone is capable of great things. he resents the fact that he was chosen by pure luck to attend visions, because it took the opportunity away from someone else. he doesn’t view himself as someone special, unique, or more worthy of a quality education than others. his view is that everyone should be given the same opportunity that he was afforded. he’s upset that luck was the deciding factor here. miles doesn’t feel that he’s welcome at visions - he feels isolated and would rather be with his community at his local public school.

meanwhile his dad insists that luck was not the deciding factor - that hard work and merit were. jefferson calls the people at visions “your people” - signifying how he thinks that smart individuals like his son deserve this specialized education. jefferson clearly believes in the american dream - that if you have the talent and put in the work, you can achieve greatness. he’s upset that miles doesn’t see the value in this opportunity, since not every kid would get the chance to go to such a good school.

all of this being based around charter schools is a fantastic way to tie miles and jefferson’s viewpoints back to the real world. miles values community and uplifting everyone as a whole. his desire to attend a local public school connects to the arguments of those who don’t support charter schools. like miles, they believe that charter schools disrupt communities and take away valuable resources from them. charter schools don’t source their student population by districts - instead, they allow any student to attend (or, they allow those who win a lottery and pass an entrance exam to attend). in addition to that, the less students that attend public schools, the less funding they will receive, and the more funding the charter schools will receive, further depleting public school resources.

jefferson, however, supports charter schools and sees them as a sort of meritocracy. he believes that individual achievement is more important than uplifting whole communities - perhaps he believes that uplifting one person will uplift the whole community. it’s especially interesting how jefferson points out and makes fun of gentrification (with his comments about the new coffee shop and how he doesn’t understand why so many people are lining up outside of it), which is ironic considering the school he’s sending his child to.

this becomes especially interesting when we apply this conversation to miles’s transformation and initiation as spiderman. we usually see spiderman’s story as a coming of age, but when you read into the parallels of miles’s journey at visions academy, it becomes a bit more sinister.

going back to miles and jefferson’s conversation - it directly mirrors miles’s spiderman storyline. miles’s bite was “luck” - or, in this film, he believes it to be. in miles’s perspective, anyone could have been bitten by that spider, and imbued with that great power (and responsibility).

but when he starts meeting other spider-people, they greet him in a way that i think is very telling. my their spider sense, they all know that they have the same powers. when miles meets peter parker, the first thing he says is “you’re like me.” the same thing happens when all of the spider-people meet in aunt may’s basement. “you’re like me.”

but miles isn’t like them - not yet. he experienced the luck. the chance spider-lottery. he was selected to attend visions academy.

but now he has to take the entrance exam. he has to prove his merit, earn his way in. the spider-people want him to succeed, but they don’t accept him when he fails. when miles is unable to perform the way they want him to, they leave him tied to a chair in his dorm bedroom.

once miles proves himself to the rest of the spider people at the reactor, he feels a newfound sense of community. he’s passed the entrance exam. he feels like he’s worthy and special.

but what about visions? we see miles’s first few weeks at visions - after he’s passed his actual entrance exam, and they don’t welcome him in at all. even when he tries to talk to them after his dad drops him off, many of them brush miles off. a few even make fun of him. we can’t compare visions to spider-society if visions actively rejects miles like that, even after he’s proven his merit!

but actually, it does make sense. because in across the spiderverse, miles isn’t invited into the spider-society, despite the fact that he’s proven his merit. the way the students at visions treated miles was foreshadowing for how miles would be treated in the spider-society. that even though he had proven himself on merit, he still wasn’t welcome. he still doesn’t belong.

this is why the parallels are sinister. this is why miguel’s insistence that miles is an anomaly is so thematically important.

miguel and spider-society believe in pre-destination. fate. maybe they call it canon, and it has to do with science instead of divinity, but it’s the same thing. they believe that everyone’s life is set out for them, and that there is no chance. that every spider-person was already destined for greatness before the spider even existed.

this belief in pre-destination is especially heinous when compared to both miles and his father’s philosophies - miles’s being that every person is capable of greatness, and that communities are paramount, and his father’s being that individuals are rewarded based on their merit and earn their greatness. miguel’s reliance on predestination reflects that of an elitist society, that believes everyone was born into the social sanction they deserved. when taken to extremes, belief exclusively in fate enforces rigid, oppressive social structures, such as caste systems and slavery.

in modern times, such extremes don’t exist, but exclusionary social practices still do. visions academy’s students aren’t evil people that bully miles for being a lottery student, in fact, most of them ignore him. ganke lee, miles’s roommate, is a good example of this. after fighting the spot, miles asks him to call the cops. ganke refuses, stating that he’ll end up as miles’s “guy in the chair” and that he doesn’t want that. ganke sees relationships as transactions - that friendship with miles will lead to responsibilities that he’s not interested in taking on. after all, spot isn’t interested in harming him - visions academy is an insulated institution separate from the rest of nyc. the students aren’t even allowed to leave due to curfew. ganke sees no reason to interact with his community at large, because it’ll only lead to obligations to it. instead, he pursues selfish indulgences, like video games, and takes what he wants from others (wearing miles’s jordans). although ganke isn’t the one that created the system, he’s still actively participating in it by refusing to help miles, or the greater community.

this is further emphasized by miles’s guidance counselor when discussing college applications. she suggests that miles lie about his lifestyle in order to seem more appealing to college recruiters - to say that his family struggled financially and that his life was difficult growing up. the story that this woman suggests that miles portray helps reinforce what miguel believes in - that everything is predestined. a college recruiter looking at a student like miles morales would expect nothing less than a stereotype, so the counselor insists that miles should play into that stereotype if he wants to get into a good college. because any other story? well, that would be an anomaly. it wouldn’t make sense to a college recruiter, and it certainly wouldn’t illicit any sympathy.

the counselor and miguel both are expressing something overtly racist to miles: you shouldn’t be here. miguel blames miles for getting bitten (something miles has no control over), and for disrupting a canon event (using the merit-based skills he has in order to help others). miguel not only calls miles an anomaly, but blames him for issues across spider-society. miles is the original anomaly, he’s the core issue.

if we compare this to the guidance counselor, what she’s saying becomes even more apparent. - the only reason you succeed in this society - this education system - this country - is because we allow you to. your worth is based on your sob story, how you overcome tragedy. yes, you may have has luck. yes, maybe you even have merit, with how intelligent you are, how strong you are. but it doesn’t matter how smart or strong or lucky you are. because you aren’t one of us.

spider-society, and by extension visions academy, are meant to represent institutions that disrupt community in our society. they may seem harmless, or even make sense in a way - you may find yourself saying “well, charter schools make sense. shouldn’t smart students receive a superior education?” but eventually, you realize the damage they really do. because if charter schools are funded like they are public schools, how are they so much better, really? why do they have newer books, and better desks, and a lower student to teacher ratio? how have they been able to maintain that over the years?

and then you realize that charter schools accept massive donations by billionaires. you realize that in order to adhere to their charters, some schools are able to expel students for poor academic performance. you realize that by requiring an entrance exam, students with academic or intellectual disabilities might be barred unjustly from these institutions, despite the fact that charter schools are required to provide special education services. but, they don’t answer to the school board, and they have to abide by their charter, so who would really be able to tell if they’re being ableist? who would be able to tell if they’re being bigoted?

there’s so much more i could talk about here, but i just want to end with this. in college, for one of my education classes, i had to watch a movie called waiting for superman. the film focused on students striving to attend charter schools in new york, highlighting failing educational infrastructure, and touting those same charter schools as a godsend. as the filmmaker states, when he was a child, he learned that superman didn’t exist. as he put it, “there is no one coming with enough power to save us.”

afterwards, we watched another film. this one was called “the inconvenient truth about waiting for superman.” it described how the first film had used bad statistics and cherrypicked ideas in order to garner support for charter schools. how those schools disrupted communities and took funds away from children who needed them. how there was no need to wait for superman. how our community public schools were right in front of us the whole time, and all we needed to do was support them instead of trying to save ourselves.

just thought the superhero motif was interesting. anyway.

#Spiderverse #across the spiderverse #across the spider-verse spoilers #into the spider verse #meta analysis #anyway don't mind me just an educator going insane

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ohshy · 4 months

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king hippo autistic traits bc i said so

SI in surfing n sea critters n loves infodumping ab both. has a particular obsession with gulper eels.

poor emotional regulation, sometimes gets meltsdowns after losing a fight or getting into an argument. the only way he can rly regulate himself is by punching smth.

couldn't talk for a rly long time, he'd only make certain noises for however he felt, growling when he was mad, purring when he was happy. Even now, he prefers making noises over talking. the fact it makes him more intimidating in the ring is just a bonus to him.

when he talks tho, very dry n monotone voice.

doesnt wear proper boxing shoes bc theyre Sensory Hell(tm)

similarly doesnt like wearing tops bc theyre too restrictive and again Sensory Hell. Tits out for this man only.

very used to his routine. Fight, Eat, Sleep. Can get particularly upset if this routine gets disrupted suddenly.

Pretty blunt communication style, very direct in showing physical affection, which unintentionally can be offputting to some people.

low sensitivity to a lot of stimuli, including touch, taste n sight. he is more sensitive to sound though, which is why he prefers being on his island where theres no city noise like cars n helicopters.

Black or white thinking. its hard for him to see people he loses to as just people, instead seeing them as enemies, which lead to him cheating his next match against mac.

bonus: macho n hippo r both autistic. havent rly worked out all of machos traits yet, but main ones r bluntness n his SI's being his own brand and classic old hollywood films.

#king hippo #super macho man #punch out #punch out wii #autistic headcanon

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ltleflrt · 4 months

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Ltleflrt's Writing Year In Review

Not a lot of writing got done this year, but considering the level of burnout I've been experiencing in the last 3-5 years, I'm very happy with what I've gotten done :)

Total 2023 Wordcount: 67,799

Total 2023 Kudos: 247

Total 2023 Hits: 2,734

My 2023 Fics:

Peace: 18,643 (WIP)

Fenris didn't have much reason to smile and laugh in his life, until he came to Kirkwall and Hawke gives him a reason to. Fenris doesn't want to disrupt the fragile sense of peace he's found by putting his heart in the hands of another mage, but Hawke's flirting and kindness are difficult to resist.

This is a rewrite of my very first fic Peace Begins With A Smile, and technically most of the wordcount is from there. But I've got many more chapters written than posted, and I know for a fact that I added AT LEAST 10k words to the original story, so I'm keeping that posted wordcount for this year's stats :D

Peace began as a writing exercise, just to keep my creative muscles from atrophying. I had replayed DA2 early in the year, and fell down the Fenhawke rabbit hole again, and it made me want to re-read my own story. I hadn't read it in like 10 years, so it was very eye opening to see just how much I've improved and how much my writing style has developed in that time. I wanted to rewrite it with my new skills, and wow it's a BIG difference.

Reaching Out: 22,825 (WIP)

Everyone knew Malcolm Hawke was a good man. A hero in the eyes of his wife and children, and a respected pillar of the community. At least until rumors of magic started to circulate, and he had to move his family in order to protect them. He'd do anything to keep his family safe, a responsibility he passes on to his eldest son when illness takes him away. Mal Hawke not only bears his father's name, but also the weight of his father's legacy. Everyone, including himself, expects him to step into his father's role, to pick up those responsibilities and carry them with the same steadfast strength. An expectation that is tested when the Blight hits Lothering, and is strained to a breaking point by the lawless and chaotic City of Kirkwall.

This is my biggest 2023 project, all original words. Once again, DA2 infested my brain, and I got an idea for a new version of Hawke that has me really excited. Plus, I have always wanted to write a Fenhanders fic, so this is going to be it! I got stuck, and have been distracted by BG3, but I still have big plans for this fic. (SO big, omg this story is going to be so long lol)

Something to Hold: 14,733

He did not hear the telltale clank of Templar armor behind him. It was probably a local. All Anders needed to do was act as if he were a simple traveler passing through. Nothing remarkable. Nothing worth mentioning to any searching Templars who might follow. Don’t run, act natural, don’t run, act natural, he thought firmly as he forced himself to keep an even pace. The only sign he gave that he recognized he was no longer alone on the road was to move to the edge to give the approaching stranger space to pass him. His heart beat like bird wings against the cage of his ribs as the sound of horse hooves and cart wheels grew closer. His fingers began to tingle with magic, and he curled them inward to hide any wayward sparks. Anders tried to keep his shoulders loose instead of tucked up tense around his ears. When the wagon drew up alongside him, Anders kept his eyes forward and prayed to the Maker that the stranger would ignore him. As was the case with most of his prayers, the Maker didn’t listen. On one of his many escape attempts Anders meets the Hawke family. And forms a special connection with the eldest son.

This was an excuse to write porn lol

I love "what if they met before canon" fics, and I decided to write one of my own. It turned out longer than I thought it would (shock!), and planted the seed for Reaching Out. It can stand alone, but I'm treating it as a prequel :D

Bathed in Starlight: 3,336

“You should have brought a torch,” Gethin scolds lightly as he comes to a stop next to Astarion’s discarded armor and clothing. It’s folded neatly, the armor stacked methodically. Astarion affects an air of carelessness, but he keeps his few belongings tidy and organized. Gethin suspects it’s his way of exerting a modicum of control over his life. “Or stayed closer to camp.” Astarion flashes a fanged smile at Gethin over his shoulder, seemingly unsurprised at his presence. “You know how much I enjoy a nip of danger, darling.” When Gethin’s lips tighten with disapproval, Astarion’s smile droops into a pout and he sighs dramatically. “There was nothing to worry about, was there? Here you are, with enough light for both of us.”

OMG a new fandom! *excited bounce*

I picked up Baldur's Gate 3 on launch day because the bear sex scene in the trailer hooked my interest (yes, I'm a closet furry), and the game has taken over my life. I did not expect to fall in love so hard, with the characters, the story, the gameplay, with my OCs, and one particular elf. But here we are, and I'm gonna fic about it.

This is just a canon conversation that I needed to write from the POV of my Dark Urge OC. Nothing special about it. And of course it had to include bathing. If I never wrote anything else for BG3, I needed to make sure I added my signature to the fandom :D

The Sun, The Moon, and The Night: 8,262 (WIP)

Caelnir and Kestrel are half brothers who were swept up by the mindflayer nautiloid at the same time. When they crash back to Faerun, they meet a pale elf who manages to snare both of them with his charms.

This is the bastard that has distracted me from my other WIPs. Yeah, yeah, I'm mad about it too, but I'm also gonna keep writing it lol

I don't normally create OCs. Like, there's Gabe Hawke and JM Shepard, but they've got more of a canon framework than most RPG playable characters. I have no emotional connections to any of my Dragon Age wardens, and the one inquisitor I care about has just the baaaarest hint of backstory. I can't even think of OCs I've created for other RPGs, because I don't care.

But oh boy, I care about Kestrel and Caelnir. A lot. Mostly because I created them with the same face shape, and I thought it would be funny if I somehow made them brothers even though one is a high elf, and the other is a drow. But they're half elves. What if their mom was just a slutty slutty human who traveled a lot? BOOM. The boys came to life, and now I'm writing fic. And since they both romanced the same character in the game, it's a poly fic. I love the challenge of poly fics, and I also hate the challenge, WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF??

Oh yeah, because Astarion is my blorbo, my boys are precious and special, and I'm the self insert slutty slutty human mom ;D

My writing in 2023 has been nothing like previous years. The fics I've written have gotten very little attention compared to what I'm used to, even going back to my very early days of posting, but I'm having fun and I've got a few friends who are intensely interested in the stuff I'm creating. I'm just happy to be writing!

My plans for 2024 are to keep plunking away at the WIPs in this post. I don't see myself going back to any of my Destiel WIPs, posted or otherwise, any time soon. I think my brain needs a break from the Winchesters for now.

(Of course, there's a shitload of Winchester Inspiration in some of my new OCs, but like...they don't have American accents, so they're TOTALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE LOL)

Anyway, Happy New Year! Here's to many more fics, both written and read, in our future! 🍾🎆🥂

Previous Years

#ltleramblings #year in review #2023 year in review #oops i ficced #long post

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lericekrispie · 1 year

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Worldbuilding on Fauna

This was supposed to be a Vyncent headcannon list, but I ended up just talking about Fauna instead. Enjoy!

I tried to do some very surface level research into what Asian decent Vyncent could be based off, and the closest I found that matched was Mongolia. All my research is very shallow, please don't take my word as law, but from what I've gathered is that they are from a cold climate, with rich traditions. They are traditionally nomadic, have extensive and rich cultures in arts, music, and dance. They have unique architecture called a yurt. They had woodcarving, metalworking, embroidery, and weaving. Men and women both wore skirts and pants. They had meat like mutton, and beef, and herded sheep, goats and yaks. They had horse racing, wrestling, and archery. The games they played were chess and checkers, dominos, rock paper scissors, and puzzles.

Deriving from this, I believe that Vync-

likes music without lyrics, because English is his second language and it's hard to keep up, and most of his music back home was mostly instrumental anyways

wears gender non-conforming clothes

used to help herd animals while the older adults hunted. He knows how watch a flock, and has also sat in fields for long times just staying alert. B/c of this, his stake out abilities are top notch. He can disassociate like a pro and probably has ADHD. (head empty fr fr)

is really good at traditional board games, and always wins. He also likes puzzles, even if he is stupid sometimes and has to get help. He likes fidget toys. He likes video games as well, but because he grew up without technology he is horrendous at them. He still loves games and puzzles though so he still tries. Will and Dakota try to help him with some video games, but Vync likes the single player games the most bc he doesn't feel left in the dust when playing with his friends.

can tell when clothing is cheap and of bad material/craftsmen ship, and because of such he has a picky taste in quality. (his preferred fashion is maximalism and weird-core) (He has sensory issues fr fr)

Also, he lives on a floating island. We didn't see a horrible lot of worldbuilding b/c the world building was... well, destroyed in an apocalypse. I wanted to expand a little on that as well. What I think would be cool and good worldbuilding is if every Great is from a different island, and each island as a different climate/elf species.

Remember, all floating islands are flavored to be close in culture to a general overview of Mongolia culture, or in cannon, some East Asian culture.

The Lush Island

Vyncent comes from an island that is more traditional. It's smaller, and the communities are like tight knit families. Their climate gets very cold in the winter, so the weird fae-magical elf evolution would be the small predator animals that people sometimes draw for Vync as a headcannon. Small predator animals include cats, foxes, small predator birds, and sometimes dogs. It helps to be adapted to traverse in the snow, as they have two seasons, 'Dormant' and 'Bloom', basically Winter and Spring. Their Blooms is very abundant and full of festivals and celebrations, with long sunny days that could be disrupted by powerful storms. Dormant is even more brutal and dangerous, and what they prepare for during Bloom, so that they have stored food to survive the freeze. The traditional way of life has been very well preserved, that a lot of old techniques of artisans that would have been lost to time have been preserved. They have expert woodcarvers, metal workers, embroidery and weaving. Vyncent's sword was made on his island, and is part of why it's so powerful.

The Convergence Island

Strider is a rouge, wears a cloak, is mysterious and brooding. Strider would come from a island that has a larger community, because then there would be a reason for crime/stealing and or being a vigilante. The community would have to be large enough that there is animosity, so his island might be known as the 'City' island. This would be a market intersection, like Riptide's 'All-Port'. There is a strong Tribal Government there, with a clear Chief rather than just local figureheads and Respect for Elders. There is hoarding from the rich and people trying to build their lives from the ground up. Think ' The American Dream'. It's mostly a scam, but sometimes if your lucky you can make it big. Because of the city the island is a melting pot of multiple different elf evolutions, but the native's to the island have evolved to fit a more lavish, modern life, growing very tall, slim, and frail. They speak softer and less rushed, are often physically weaker, and have features for social evolution and not survival evolution (think classical faries and fae, with big buggy eyes and eyelashes, high cheekbones, slender faces, shimmery skin, slender soft hands, long hair and well kept hygiene.)

The Sunlight Island

Alphonz is the paladin. He wears a lot of heavy armor, so I believe his island would also metalworkers, the main suppliers of such. They are also a very religious community, with religious leaders controlling the tides rather than political. Their island would be the highest up, to be the closest to whatever the equivalent of 'heaven' would be. Of course, the evolution of the highest island would be wings, but most wings are made for gliding rather than flying because of body mass and energy and whatnot. Because of this, most people from this island can find jobs elsewhere as messengers. These people often get around to other islands eventually in their lives, and are known to be wanderers. They are closest to the sun so they have very thick eyelashes and undereye markings to protect them from the sunlight, and the darkest skin. They have a lot of intense flowers and foliage because the closeness to the sun. Their waterfalls from the top of their island run into the other islands below.

The Sunken Island

Min is a mage, and uses a lot of water themed magic. Because of this, I believe Min's island would be more like a bowl full of water, and most of the people would live in underwater domes, or on small floating islands. The people who live here would have evolved to be semi-aquatic, with features like frogs, dragonflies, fish, and such. Their island would be abundant with a fishing culture and magic, with huge coral structures and beautiful vibrant colors. The island would also be more traditional, much like Vyncent's.

The Badland Island

Ram is our beloved gunslinger, so obviously his island would be like the wild west. Enough said. Think riding horses, saloons, outlaws and sheriffs. The evolutions would be close to hooved creatures, like goats, antelope, deer, rams, horses, things like satyrs and centaurs. Because of the harsh and vast amount of lands these elves need to travel, these evolutions save time and their feet as they traverse the difficult terrain.

The Wildlands Island

Chungus is a the barbarian, very strong and almost a gentle giant. I believe this island would be very much so like Vyncent's, but much harder to live in, in terms of monsters. I think Vyncent's island would have more difficult natural weather and disasters, while Chungus would face a lot more monsters and ruffians. Because of this, the elven evolution would be to match monsters strength a take form of large predator animals, like wolves, cougars, bears, and such, while Vyncent's island would only need to evolve to smaller predator animals for hunting, such as foxes and cats and such. (Chungus would be a bear.)

The Hellfire Island

Finally, Grayson. Grayson is described as having Dragon armor, so why not just go all the way and say the elven evolution is dragon-like. This island would be the hardest to live on, full of flames and lava, basically like a floating volcano. This island would be closest to the surface, and speaking of surface-

Surface

The idea of the surface is that it is basically hell. It's where the lich comes from, it's full of hell fire, screaming damned, zombies and undead and such. The closeness to the surface dictate how dangerous your island is. The position of your island means a lot.

From Top to Bottom

The Sunlight Island -Is reaping the rewards of lush wildlife, but has to deal with extreme weather, sun, and temperatures.

The Sunken Island -is practically unaffected by weather and monsters because they live mostly underwater. Very peaceful. Uninhabitable by people who are not native.

The Convergence Island -In the top middle. The monsters here are the people. Have to deal with extreme weather.

The Lush Island -Reaps the rewards of lush wildlife, has to deal with extreme weather and temperatures, as well as some monsters.

The Wildlands Island -Deals less with weather and temperature, but more with monsters.

The Badland Island -as we get closer to 'hell' basically, the weather get's dry-er and hot-er. There isn't extreme storms, but instead harsh constant heat. Has to deal with monsters, as well as elven criminals. Most intelligent monsters and criminals set up bases here. The largest landmass. (we can never truly escape Texas)

The Hellfire Island -A step up from 'hell'. Has to deal with monsters all day long. The people here are built from blood and spit, metal and nails. Life expectancy is short here, but the people take pride in being the first line of defense for the other islands, are often talented warriors who hunt monsters to allow the rest of the islands to prosper.

It's hard to get to island to island. Sometimes you can because of your adaptations, sometimes you can find a way to safely fall to a lower island. Sometimes you can find a mage who can transport you. It is more common to go down than up. That's why Vyncent's dad was so impressive.

Father Sol

Father Sol was the leader of the group. With this worldbuilding, I think it would be cool if he embarked on a mission to build a party that could defend against a brewing monster from the Surface, The Lich and his forces. So Father Sol went from island to island, searching for the most powerful person from each to make a party. This alone is a feat, for traversing islands is very difficult, most only go to one once in their lives, and most of the time it's a permeant move. You often don't return. It's no wonder The Greats are well known, doing something such as what they did, going from island to island, even without the stories of their deeds and just the feat of traveling islands alone is something to behold and would be talked and gossiped about until they were legends. But on top of that were the adventures they had on each island, of Father Sol having to earn the trust and respect of each powerful warrior for them to join the party. I can already image in the classic Dnd shenanigans, battles, and hero adventures they would have. And to have them fail at the very end.

And all of this we never get to see because it get's destroyed. By the very monsters The Greats gathered to fight against. They lost. They weren't strong enough.

Now. Imagine, Vyncent has to make a choice between staying between Prime and Fauna. He chooses Prime, for his friends. His life is there right now, that's what he tells himself. He can always go back. He has unfinished business on Prime.

What he doesn't say is the pain that is in his heart, looking at his home that once used to be lush and full of life, full of smiles and memories, destroyed. Seeing his people broken and torn by the worst possible thing that could have happened to them. To see his people go from living in community villages full of flowers and celebration to hiding underground like rats. It hurts. It's painful to look at all the despair and pain. Knowing that things probably wouldn't go back to normal, at least in his lifetime.

He's a coward when he stays in Prime. He's not strong enough to go back. He wishes he was. But he isn't.

#jrwi podcast #jrwi #jrwi show #jrwi pd #jrwiblr #jrwi vyncent #jrwi headcanon

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birgosaurus · 1 year

Text

//SPOILERS, ARCANE S1

set up i noticed for jayce and viktor’s inevitable falling out in season 2…

arcane season 1 as a whole has obviously left QUITE a few loose threads. the threat of war in various areas of runeterra (noxus, piltover, zaun), the upheaval of zaun’s leader and a vacant spot of power, and various problems interconnected with character disputes. the state of jayce and viktor in league predispose rivalry. they *will* become enemies. it *won’t* be pretty. but particularly, jinx’s attack on the council, the conversation between mel, viktor and jayce about potentially weaponising hextech (episode 7, 23 minutes in), and persistent use of symbolism in conjunction with piltover and zaun seem to be potential foreshadowing for jayce and viktor being on two different sides of the inevitable war between zaun and piltover.

jinx’s attack on the council with hextech weaponry, at least to piltover, will be an instant, incessant declaration of war.

i once saw a youtube comment speak on how jayce and viktor act as very strong symbols of piltover and zaun. both start from relatively similar beginnings, scientifically innovative, but zaun is often hindered by handicap while piltover is privileged, cared for, physically strong, etc.. zaun is sick and dying while piltover is seduced by politics. zaun is regularly overshadowed by piltover. zaun is big on body modification and a “desperate times call for desperate measures” mentality. jayce is genuinely just the face of piltover — the city of progress, the man of progress — etc..

generally, i think season 1 represents their symbiotic nature. them, co-existing, not without faults, but living peacefully. HOWEVER, piltover and zaun were also apparently (physically) separated by an explosion.

“The plan involved using thousand of chemtech bombs to crack open an area of the land so that a cavern could be created, …. the bombs triggered a series of earthquakes that completely destroyed the isthmus* and sank large districts of Zaun and thousands of its citizens…” [source: LoL wiki. Zaun > History]

*isthmus: a narrow strip of land… forming a link between two larger areas of land.

zaun collapsed on itself, making travel and commute between piltover and zaun difficult. a leakage of poisonous gas spread through zaun. it’s in a sickly state; dangerous… and by extension, perhaps on the offence (reinforced by the attacks on piltover in s1). piltover is largely untouched, but communication with zaun has been severed.

they’ve been split. LITERALLY.

this insinuates the missile, the attack on the council, might be the catalyst of their split. jinx firing a missile on the council is, in physical form, zaun’s declaration of war on piltover. this naturally puts viktor and jayce — symbols of piltover and zaun — in a situation where they, after it hits, have immediate issues they have to discuss. they’ve already had some of their arguments, of course, but they inevitably need to talk about…

how viktor survived an explosion despite his terminal illness (hence, a conversation about how he augmented himself with hextech, which may or may not end well)

AND

how or if hextech will be weaponised — both having different stances and, inevitably, disrupting their partnership.

mel had a conversation with viktor and jayce on the nature of having to potentially defend themselves from zaun. viktor, of course, refused, jayce also initially opposed, only to feel more neutral about it after mel explained herself.

mel feels relatively important. so there’s a lot of possibility for her NOT to die. along with this, the golden plates along her back are emphasised as the missile hits, insinuating they have some sort of importance and potential leverage in the damage the missile might cause. there’s people out there who know more about the league lore than i do, who could tell you why that would let her live or protect others. but from my memory, she was one of the few council figures incessant on not going to war, period. the arcane AMA guarantees war next season.

this could actually be referring to mel’s mother going to war(?) with noxus, and how she requested weaponry from piltover (only for mel to refuse because she literally built a life in piltover against the notion of war, period). but considering jayce and viktor’s inevitable falling out, a war between zaun and piltover is incredibly beneficial in a symbolic sense.

regardless, this means there’s possibility mel might actually die. she was one of the few council members insisting war was a bad idea — and with her eliminated, it’s up to the rest of the council to decide. the council — people who vastly detested the thought of a peace treaty with zaun. jayce also has a pattern of reacting very strongly to things he cares about, ei: mel. his support in the war against zaun might not happen initially, but it’s *definitely* possible, especially after trying to establish peace and being immediately attacked afterwards, along with mel’s hypothetical death.

the peace treaty between zaun and piltover, denied from both areas, might also foreshadow viktor and jayce’s situation next season. something arcane is good at is “almosts;” situations in which characters, and the audience, *almost* get what they want, only for it to be immediately taken from them. powder *almost* manages to prove herself to her family (despite her incredible abilities outside of fighting), but accidentally makes her only family turn on her after getting most of them killed. vi and jinx meet up in episode 6(?) and they *almost* have some form of consolidation after not seeing each other for years, only for cait to (not intentionally) throw a spanner in the works by being someone NEW in their dynamic that warps jinx’s trust of vi.

zaun and piltover *almost* had a peace treaty. jayce *almost* managed to finally somewhat leverage the disputes between piltover and zaun. his support of zaun was not a sudden revelation, slowly taking place after his argument with viktor (“but you didn’t say they were from the undercity!”), but did only occur in the third act; specifically, over two episodes. but zaun and piltover are now, hypothetically, going to war.

*almost.*

jayce’s arc consists of him finally going against the rules and expectations he’s abided by — the expectation of piltover for him to make choices that benefit THEM, and subverting this by making peace with zaun. he *almost* gets that growth within the last act. he *almost* makes the (concerning narrative morale, specifically) right choice.

viktor and jayce *almost* avoid their conflict getting worse. but will let their own ideals get in the way.

they *almost* had peace.

on top of this, the weaponising of hextech conversation from season 1 is generally interesting for foreshadowing purposes, too; possibly in regards to jinx’s attack on the council and possibly in regards to an event in season 2 we don’t know about yet.

it could foreshadow viktor working for zaun, it could foreshadow a dire situation in which viktor could get both him and jayce killed and chooses not to, or could foreshadow jayce and viktor’s split after the missile hits.

viktor inspects one of jinx’s grenades, stating, “the form is crude, but… the engineering is… inspired.” you could argue he almost admires it. he admires jinx’s engineering. he admires zaun’s engineering.

jayce reacts with, “you think they could crack hextech?” do you think they’re dangerous? do you think zaun is a threat? he disregards it.

viktor replies with, “ehhh… it’s a leap,” and is somewhat dismissive of jayce, reinforcing their stances on zaunite weaponry and zaun in general.

after mel leaves viktor and jayce to decide on whether they’ll weaponise hextech or not, viktor says, “ridiculous. you cannot be considering this.”

through their arguing, jayce states, “we may not have a choice.”

in the process of dissecting jinx’s grenade, viktor sets it off. in order to prevent it from detonating, he’s required to cut a specific wire. he hesitates, hand lingering, leaving jayce in anticipation, wondering whether he’s willing to let the bomb kill the both of them.

viktor finally cuts the wire.

he decides to let them both live. he decides to not let jinx’s grenade detonate.

“there is always a choice.”

a situation in which viktor could kill both of them but chooses not to, possibly involving jinx or zaun….

and again, this could specifically foreshadow their arguments after the missile hits. but it could also be a different event from season 2 entirely.. the scene always seemed to pointed, to me, to not foreshadow *anything* though.

viktor will also likely work for zaun, accentuating the divide between him and jayce.

zaun is referred to as piltover’s “dark mirror.” viktor is supposedly jayce’s “dark mirror.” viktor needs a lot more of a turning point for this to be accurate, because as is, both are on somewhat common ground (aside from viktor’s deteriorating morale), and the machine herald is yet to make his debut. this split will likely be accentuated by viktor working for zaun; after viktor hypothetically disagrees with jayce’s stance on weaponising hextech and attacking zaun. he’ll no longer be on the same side. he’ll HAVE to leave.

after silco’s death, there’s a vacant spot of power that needs to be filled in zaun. i don’t believe this will solely be viktor; perhaps a number of people, perhaps a new LoL character introduced next season. but people who exist in zaun as of season 1 will not be able to be its sole leader.

the environment in zaun negates jinx’s actions, largely disapproving outside of silco.. who’s now dead. sevika is permanently a right-hand. the end scene, where the vacancy of silco’s desk is heavily emphasised, sevika obediently sitting aside, insinuates she’ll *stay* a right-hand, as she has the whole of season 1 (worked under vander, as well, etc.). finn, leading the chem-baron revolution against silco, was single-handedly taken down by sevika herself. which leads very few people to lead (from my knowledge, im forgetful) or take a place of power. this is a little meta, as well, but i’ve noticed viktor’s voice actor, harry lloyd, also happens to be actively commended for his ability to play twisted/demented villains. feel like that’s too much of a coinkadink, yknow. viktor, as a symbol of zaun, might not become its sole leader — but it’s definitely not out of the question that he will be forced into a position where he has to work for them instead of piltover.

viktor and jayce will have their falling out. the attack on the council holds the weight of a symbolic and literal war that will split jayce and viktor. after mel’s (hypothetical) death, jayce will no longer have an influence to stop him from declaring war, along with encouragement in the form of the council. viktor will be working for zaun. jayce will be working for piltover; for the council. their symbolism guarantees they will be enemies; viktor and jayce are fated to be on different two sides of the war between piltover and zaun.

does anyone have thoughts on this? if this post flops jus ignore it /lh

[and ps; if anyone can somehow find the comment talking about the viktor and jayce symbolism with piltover and zaun, although i doubt it, PLEASE send it to me so i can properly credit them. i’ve been struggling to find it. i just remember it was a reply to another comment about jayce and viktor but it’s given me so many thoughts it’s NOT EVEN FUNNY SJDNJ]

[[ps ps; if anyone has any constructive criticism on my writing/evidence i’d love to hear it !]]

#jayce arcane #jayce talis #viktor arcane #arcane #arcane theory #arcane netflix #arcane season 2 #arcane spoilers #jayvik #vikjayce #any songs from the ost that represent piltover and zaun as well??#snakes from the arcane ost.. WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN from the arcane ost #what could have been playing during the missile scene #OHH MY GOD #birg.txt

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