#a friend of mine recently told me that they tried to commit a few months ago. and I feel so fucking guilty about it because I wasn't there
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Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability
So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.
I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.
So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh
So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:
1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.
2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.
3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.
I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜
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The Necessity of Friends.
Monday Mutiny | 4.1.2024
I recently spent a few days in St. Louis with someone who has become a good friend of mine (and I’m pretty sure I smoked more cigars over those three nights than I have in the last three years of my life—that’s just how many good, late-night conversations we had).
I always find it motivating to be around this guy, which to me, is probably the greatest thing that can come from any form of friendship. Because when you spend time with a friend (or friends) who make you feel inspired, your time together becomes more than just hanging out—it becomes a transformative experience, with the sharing of moments, ideas, and words that will legitimately change the course of your life.
However, it’s the “hanging out” part of friendship that I often miss the most. This past week, as my buddy and I were driving between his house and his farmland, I remember thinking to myself, “Damn, I really needed this.”
Ever since I moved far away from my home state of Utah in my twenties to pursue some promising career opportunities on the East Coast, my best friends have become individuals that I really only see when I have a chance to visit them or they have a chance to visit me. Fortunately, my life and work have allowed me to travel often enough to see them at least twice a year on average. I was also able to make a few friends outside of work, which kept me socially engaged enough to not feel like I was on an island, even though I was technically living on one.
But now, where I currently live—on a dirt road in Loxahatchee, Florida—I don’t have any friends at all (aside from Kelsey and Ethan). Now, I don’t say this as a sob story; this is just the reality of my current life and environment. And, for the most part, I’m cool with it because it’s forced me to become more self-reliant—which was pretty much the entire point of buying land for animals and gardening. Not to mention, the separation allows for fewer distractions when I have important writing commitments, and I truly believe that I’m in the middle of doing some of my best writing ever. (But I suppose a lot of this could simply be the culmination of age and experience, and not my surroundings.)
However, there are plenty of times over the past eight months when it would have been more than nice to call or text a friend to meet up for a beer at the local bar, or to come over and help me install some more fence posts in my yard.
The older I get, the more I value friendship.
Perhaps it’s because—much like a diamond or a piece of gold—we, as humans, have historically always placed value on the rare and unattainable. And, for me, spending time with friends has become a bit of a rarity.
As a kid, it seemed like new friends were everywhere to be found: the neighbor down the street, a classmate at school, a kid from my baseball team, or just a cousin my same age. But as an adult—particularly once I aged out my twenties—it feels like I stopped making new friends. Five years ago, if you had asked me how many “friends” I had, I would have counted them on one hand, then told you, “Five.” Today, I have a bit more than that because I’ve genuinely tried to make friends over the past couple of years due to what I see as intentional division in the world and my desire to simply have more good people in my life. But as far as true friends go, I’d still probably put that number below ten. On the other hand, business acquaintances abound, and new connections seem to be made almost every day. So, I guess it’s a bit odd to feel both so connected yet so stagnated in terms of social interaction, and I’m willing to believe I’m not the only one who feels this disconnect becoming evermore apparent as I grow older.
So . . .
Why is it so hard to find/make new friends after we’ve reached a certain age?
Is it harder for men than it is for women?
How important is it that we have friends? Like, actual friends outside of our family or romantic relationship?
Personally, I think the reason I don’t make friends as easily as I’ve gotten older is that I’ve become distrustful. Now, one could say that this has developed due to my quasi-notoriety and the fact that I can sense when someone is trying to get close to me without genuine reason, which leads to me quickly distancing myself—but more so—I believe I make fewer friends as I’ve gotten older because I’ve told myself that I don’t have the time for it, which is dumb because I have plenty of time, I just need to use it differently. And, like everything in life, I need to make friendships a bit more of a priority if I want to see some change in that regard.
“If you want to change the future, you must change what you're doing in the present.”
—Mark Twain
In the past, I’ve always felt like women make friends more easily than men because dudes tend to be more ego-driven and emotionally guarded, and for the most part, I still believe that to be true—mainly from what I’ve witnessed and experienced in my own life—but just because something is true today, doesn’t mean it has to be true tomorrow.
I know my own lack of emotional connection with others (when I’m not writing), has definitely prevented me from forming friendships where friendships could have been made, and it’s something that I plan to address in order to feel like I have more of a “community” around me. At this point in my life, my primary focus is being a father. But the truth is, I also need friends more than ever. I feel a strong desire to surround myself with friends, not just for my own sake, but for Ethan’s sake as well. I want my son to experience the joy and growth of connection and community. I want him to have many friends of his own, and I want him to live a life that’s full of motivation and support—but also lots of hanging out and getting into calculated trouble (some of my best memories with my own friends are the times that we’ve spent together learning things the hard way).
And, honestly, I still want that sense of community and connection for myself.
Since becoming a dad, I’ve become increasingly focused on my health and the idea of longevity—yes, I know that’s a contradictory thing to say after opening this post with a remark about smoking too many Cubans—but I’ve become rather obsessed with what I put in my body, when I sleep, and how often I exercise: the three most crucial and controllable pillars of health. But a quick Google search will also reveal the importance of friendships and social connection as we get older. Plain and simple, a sense of community is directly linked to longevity, and individuals with healthy lives have quality social connections in their lives. And, well, sometimes, the best social connections are accompanied by a beer or a good cigar (that’s probably the only kind of “balance” that I agree with in regard to a “balanced diet”).
Now, I really don’t know what my intention behind this week’s Monday Mutiny is/was; I suppose it’s more of a journal to myself than anything. But, I guess it’s also an appreciation piece for the friends of mine who do read these emails each week, so, “Thank you. Your friendship matters to me more than you know, even though we don’t get to connect as often as I’d like. I truly appreciate you, and I’m looking forward to another memory and another conversation.”
As for the rest of you, I hope that reading this encourages you to spend more time cultivating and maintaining your friendships.
In 2011, Bronnie Ware, a hospice nurse in Australia, published a book about her experience working with the sick and the dying. In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, she shares five common themes of regret after years of working with—and, more importantly, conversing and connecting with—patients on their deathbeds.
Number four on that list: “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
Kyle Creek, aka "The Captain"
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em, how do i possibly accept that i might of lost 5 yrs of friendship because i wanted something more with my best friend? i got the courage to tell him i had feelings for him a few months ago. he admitted he liked me too but he wasn't ready to commit yet, just to take things as they come. i agreed but thinking we were on the same page & that we were only interested in e/o but i found out that wasnt the case. he's been messing with someone else a few months ago, and i got hurt bc its so recent. i asked if it was before or after i confessed & he said before, but i started questioning if that was even the truth cause he kept this hidden, whose to say. so we havent spoken in almost a week. i didnt even get to say why i was upset cause i just got off the phone. but the reason i was hurt is cause i really thought we were only interested in each other and taking things slowly all the while even if we werent committed yet, and the fact that i tell him everything, even when someones in my life for a moment. it gets complicated cus he did have feelings for me before but things happened & i got back with an ex & after we broke up again i figure he didnt have any feelings like that for me anymore and just treated him as friend & not someone who liked me (and he didnt seem romantically interested anymore). so when i did only talk to one other person after my ex, he knew even if it lasted only a month. we talk about our daily lives, but for some reason he just conveniently never mentioned he was messing with someone. it felt intentional. he made me think the only thing he cared about was work and school. i feel a little played. i only made the decision to tell him my feelings cause from what he told me everyday, it didnt seem anyone else was in his life like that. if i had known, i wouldn't have because of this very reason, it's so messy & i didn't want to be option number 2. am i wrong to feel this way? or am i expecting too much from someone that's not even mine?
i think i understand both your and his side, as to why he acted like this. first things first, i want you to know that it's alright to feel hurt when finding out about things like this, especially that he simply hid it from you when as you said you are both used to tell each other everything, I know that hiding things like this is going to sting, because you'll wonder why he didn't want to share this part of his life with you. i think it's not even about "some people just don't like to share private stuff" since i suppose you guys are close enough for it to not be a problem at all, so yeah, it most likely was intentional. but i think you have to understand his side too, knowing he had feelings for you at some point in the past will always carry some sort of baggage even after years pass and you didn't end up together, when you like someone you don't look at them the same ever again, you know what i mean. my point is he saw your reunion with your ex as well as your other, shorter relationship, my first thought was that he was probably hurt and jealous too, he just didn't show it. maybe he didn't want to share that he messed with somebody because it was his distraction from what he didn't want to witness because it hurt him, if what you mean by "messing with" is a relationship he probably didn't treat seriously enough, maybe strictly physical too, we don't know that, and that is also why he told you he is not ready to commit yet, maybe because he tried before and it didn't work so he wants to take things slow with you. you know your best friend the best, but you also have to think rationally and if you need clarification - you're allowed to ask him for it, i'd even say he owes you. i know it feels unbearable, especially the silence after an argument, i know it hurts a lot and brings so much excruciating anxiety, but he's your dear friend, there's probably a lot you guys went through together, sooner or later you will have to talk again, so please tell him anything that is on your mind. you don't have to think this is the end and that there's no way to save your relationship 💓
#i wish you both all the best and i'm sending you a big hug and so so so much love. please stay strong!#everything will be okay#anonymous#answered
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I recently came to the realization that I struggle with intrusive thoughts.
According to Dr. Kerry-Ann Williams, a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School in a 2021 article by Kelly Bilodeau for the Harvard Health Publishing site.
"An intrusive thought is usually very different from your typical thoughts. "For example, it might be uncharacteristically violent. If a thought is disturbing and it’s something you want to push out of your mind, it might be an intrusive thought. Intrusive thoughts are often repetitive and won’t go away. The more you think about it, the more anxious you get and the worse the thoughts get,"
I wish that this was not something that I had to learn from the internet. Maybe that would have saved me hours of feeling stuck in therapy, wasting time contemplating suicide and feeling like an overall shitty person.
Not even studying psychology could give me the knowledge to fix myself. It is something that I don't remember being spoken about. Even when I tried to enquire about my own experiences.
I remember while we are discussing personality disorders in Abnormal Psychology class, I ask my lecturer the following risky question:
"How do I know if the voice I hear in my head is my own or not?"
I know. It is a strange question. I had always heard wellness spaces in the media tell us (the audience) that the voices we hear in our heads that we are not enough, that we're stupid, and/or that we will fail, were not our own. However, I grew up with a great-uncle who had catatonic schizophrenia. All I knew about myself was that I had a delibating anxiety that turned to loud thoughts.
With barely any context provided by me, my lecturer replied "Well, if the voice sounds as if it is outside of you, that is a concern. If the voice sounds as if it is within you, that is your voice. However, I am concerned that you cannot tell the difference."
The last night sent tingles throughout my body. Not good tingles, not shivers either.
A few months to a year later, a friend of mine was committed to a mental health facility after experiencing a crisis that led to an unalive attempt. He spoke about an inner voice and I defended him by saying that he doesn't have the vocabulary to appropriately express himself. He was a french-speaker, Defending him was not a good choice either. His voice led him to harm himself.
I need to give myself grace for this situation. Through trial and error, I learn to judge situations more appropriately. At the time, that entire situation made me feel like such a failure that I had convinced myself that I wasn't cut out for psychology. That I was not cut out to help others.
One argument that I can give for my difficulties in navigating mental health conversations, despite my interest in them, is that I am an African woman. Knowing a little bit about African spirituality adds extra layers to my understanding of the psyche, that my white acquaintances and lecturers may not understand. On the other hand, it also meant that I needed to be sure about my mental health knowledge. Mental health was not widely spoken about in African communities and it is sometimes unnecessarily linked to spiritual causes. That may be the case but finding a middle ground is hard when both ends of the philosophical standing do not want to meet at the centre.
As an undiagnosed autistic, that is something that I could never express appropriately. Some people spend their entire life learning how to express their emotions properly. As a black person, you're told to persevere, hide your emotions or sweep them under the rug. You can talk about it but if you let your emotions take control of you then you are weak.
Now taking all of this into account, I was back to being forced to figure out what was happening to my head. After a traumatic 2018, a depressing 2019 and a stressful 2020, I believe that I was overdue for a breakdown. In 2021, I spent countless hours trying to control the thoughts urging me to harm myself because I could not control the thoughts that begged me to feel shame.
I had spent years, consistently telling people that I am scared. These thoughts are loud. However, I know that they are my thoughts yet still a regurgitation of words that were thrown at me throughout my life now morphed into something more harmful. I told professionals and religious authorities that my thoughts were dark. Only to receive not enough urgency from my therapists about my dark thoughts, though I understood that it was not their role to panic for me, Therapists are there to observe and guide. Dealing with religious leaders on mental health is a mixed bag of reactions.
At the end of the day, only you alone can face the darkness with the guidance of professionals. However, the work is 100% yours to do to dig yourself out of a hole.
I spend hours consuming mental health content on Tiktok, learning more in a year than I did in my two years studying psychology and my 5 years dedicating my life to my religion.
I learned that I might be autistic (I formally got a diagnosis last year). I learnt that living as an undiagnosed autistic was stressful and traumatic. I learnt that the thoughts that I was experiencing were intrusive thoughts and that they were not a reflection of who I am.
Intrusive thoughts can be caused by PTSD and stressful events in general. It can also be caused by OCD.
Thank you to Dr Kali for affirming me through her videos and the other mental health professionals
The knowledge that the thoughts did not make me a bad person made me feel so much more at peace. My thoughts eventually quiet down, after a year of purging and doing healing work such as writing, therapy, research and watching films that helped me make sense of my inner world a little bit more.
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coming to terms with my asd diagnosis
(aka, an open love letter to Quinni from heartbreak high)
I started school in 1999 at four and a half, thanks to my parents, who moved to Sydney from Queensland in 1993 (Queensland until recently had one less year of school than New South Wales so students typically graduated at 17; my cousin finished high school a year before my older brother despite only being a month and a half older than him) and didn't know most parents tried to make sure their kids weren't the youngest in their respective year levels. I tell others that this was why I didn't go to Schoolies after finishing year 12 ("if I can't drink there then what's the point in going"), although my social anxiety, mostly due to the autism I was so in denial about, was probably a bigger reason.
My mum occasionally tells a story of trying to organise a parent teacher interview with my kindergarten teacher (who I still hate, 23 years later, sorry not sorry) and my teacher saying "I'm going to let all the other parents get their preferred times first because 15 minutes isn't going to be long enough". I vaguely remember being taken out of school for various tests but I knew what most of them were for - speech therapy, occupational therapy, counselling for anxiety (that one happened a few years later) ... and then there were my mysterious appointments with Dr Wallace (a psychologist with over 30 years experience who is predominantly known for working with kids with ADHD). I wasn't quite sure what those ones were for.
At the start of kindergarten, I was diagnosed with "mild Aspergers" (a term that is horribly outdated and that I no longer use); however, I actually found out about my diagnosis at 13 (we were moving house at the time and I found the report from the psychiatrist in our family photos basket). Unfortunately by the time I discovered my autism diagnosis and had researched what it meant, I had already been and would continue to be exposed to a lot of media (including a short story written by a girl in my year ten English class that won the Whitlam Institute Writing Competition ... and one of my special interests was Gough Whitlam, so that one really stung) that made me feel ashamed and in denial about my *very obvious to everyone around me except me* autism.
(My own submission for the competition had been called "brilliant but too political" to represent my Catholic school ... seriously, imagine being considered too political for a competition in honour of a former Australian prime minister)
I often told people I'd been tested for autism but it was a very quick "oh I was tested for it but it's all good, I don't actually have it". The closest I actually came to telling a classmate that I was autistic was when I was trying to drop a year 11 subject I'd left too late to switch out of. A friend of mine who was very open about her ADHD had been allowed to change from chemistry into extension English. I said to another friend "I mean, I've got *borderline Aspergers* so Duggan might take that into consideration". My friend said "oh, I wouldn't have guessed, but that could work". It didn't. The fact that I'd never drawn attention to it up until then might have had something to do with it.
At school, I threw myself into my studies to overcompensate, was elected Music Captain, represented my school in sport (soccer and basketball were my favourites, but I was told I was a very skilled coxswain and could have taken rowing further if I'd committed to it), won public speaking and debating competitions, and killed my HSC exams (despite not wanting to have any "special treatment" and having absolutely zero study skills, thanks to a primary school career being considered "gifted and talented").
Additionally, I constantly advertised that I was completely adept at engaging in "normal" teenage behaviour of underaged drinking and partying. This was despite me having what I now recognise to be a meltdown on the night of my school's music festival in year 11, where all my duties as music captain had finally ended. I remember all my friends, including my vice-captain (who the following year would become our school captain) being very kind about it and saying, "We want you to celebrate with us but if you need to ring your dad and go home, that's also fine". I ended up going to other parties; in year 12, most of my friends turned 18, and it helped that they generally didn't hold parties right after huge events I'd had a hand in planning.
I graduated from school in 2011, having achieved a high ATAR, and then got to uni and failed all the science courses I was taking in my Science/Arts degree (while still getting a HD in my Italian class ... I wouldn't have expected anything less, considering I'd studied it since kindergarten and consistently earned A grades in it throughout high school). All while still convincing myself that my hyperfixation on Naya Rivera (may she rest in peace and power), who at the time starred on Glee as the iconic Santana Lopez, was just a sign of me being extremely queer (which I am), needing to engage in queer media (the love story between Santana and Brittany is one that I still have immense love for), and, of course, finding her really attractive (which she definitely was, let's be real) and was definitely not a sign of my *very obvious to everyone around me except me* autism (even though at my year 12 formal I launched into a full on passionate speech for the better part of an hour after a little underaged drinking about the Glee episode I'd just watched the night before in which Finn outed Santana and why that was totally messed up and should not have happened under any circumstances ... my friends and I can now have a good laugh about it but at the time it felt so significant).
The one place where I was "openly" autistic was in private conversations online. I engaged in deep written conversations on Tumblr and Fanfiction.net with fellow autistic people who shared my intense love of the beautiful relationship between Santana and Brittany (a character who is often headcanoned as neurodivergent) on Glee. Offline, I was still playing the role of a neurotypical whose poor academic performance at uni was due to laziness and not because they were genuinely struggling with the demands of adulthood.
Once I transferred to a small private music college, I started to meet other fellow autistic people who picked up on it with me right away. In 2015, I was in my last year at music school and was part of a Facebook group of Australian YouTubers. I had a very small channel which is still active today dedicated to posting music and (at the time) vlogs about my final semester at uni. I wasn't really that committed to uploading, as I was working full-time at Starbucks and finalising my graduation recital (which required biweekly rehearsals and arranging saxophone parts, something I was terrible at back then). I was also very disciplined about my recording setup; I needed my music videos to sound "perfect", so they took a lot of time and energy I often didn't have, and therefore, I didn't post as often as others in the group. Around this time, I noticed a post from someone who wanted to post videos about their interests as well as share their experiences as an autistic person. That person is, of course, Chloé Hayden, who plays the iconic Quinni on Heartbreak High, and was famously blocked by Sia for calling out the gross ableism in the movie Music (something I wish 15-year-old me had had the confidence to do in 2009 when my classmate proudly stood up and said her submission for the Whitlam comp was about a girl having to "deal with her autistic sister" ... seriously, how dare she disgrace Gough like that). Chloé is a couple years younger than me, but watching her videos and listening to the experiences of fellow autistic people has honestly taught me so much about myself. I also found out a couple years ago that singer-songwriter Alex the Astronaut, who was two grades below me at school, was in the same school choir as me, and used to perform at the same school events as I did, was also recently diagnosed with autism.
Although I probably should, I don't have any ill-will towards my parents for not telling me. I think if I'd have been ten years younger things might have been different. To their credit, my parents didn't put me in ABA or anything like that, but that may have also had something to do with my younger brother being born within 12 months of my initial diagnosis; understandably, a newborn takes up a lot of time, and by the time my brother was born, my first year of school was over and I got along with my year 1 teacher so much better than I did with my kindergarten teacher.
(I don't have a lot of stories about my kindergarten teacher because I blocked a lot of it out, but there's one that I still remember quite vividly ... the whole class was sitting on the floor and she was trying to get us to identify the title of the book ... I could already read before starting school ... she asked if anyone wanted to guess the name of the book ... I put my hand up and gave her the answer, and I was right ... she then spent what felt like an eternity yelling at me because I'd "spoiled" the activity for the rest of the class)
I actually had a conversation about my autism diagnosis with a friend of mine from school at our 10 year (or 11 year thanks to spicy cough) reunion who works in the mental health sector. She wanted to know how I went about navigating the NDIS, which I'd never really thought about, because I have no idea what the NDIS could possibly do for me. The only things I can think of is support with housing, because I currently live with my parents (yes, I'm 28) but can't live with housemates, and maybe a cleaner. Unfortunately, I'm university educated (undergrad and postgrad) and employed full-time so I can't see that happening any time soon.
Now that I'm finally "at peace" with being autistic, I do often feel a sense of impostor syndrome, like I "wasted" an early diagnosis. As an AFAB person just being seen as autistic, or potentially autistic, in 1999 was a pretty big deal. I know of people who only got diagnosed as late as 50, or who got diagnosed because their children also got diagnosed. When talking about it, people I know from uni are a lot less surprised than people I know from high school.
Because who would have thought that considering my ... lifelong trichotillimania, compulsive need to drink 10+ cups of tea every day, childhood fear of the vacuum cleaner, childhood fear of fans, adulthood fear of hair, still flinching at the sound of balloons being popped, not being able to watch the first 30 seconds of The Lion King because of the beginning part of the Circle of Life, affinity for learning musical instruments, natural athleticism but unrefined technique when it came to sport, social awkwardness, strong sense of justice, unconventional experiences with gender and gender expression, lack of experience with romantic relationships to the point where I'm still not sure if I'm aromantic or not, spending 8+ hours on The Sims, actually being really really bad at making eye contact despite years of drama, public speaking and debating, writing Glee fanfiction for the creative writing component of my HSC English exam (which I still got a band 6 for, thank you very much) ... and god knows what else.
(also once at my previous job when they were trying to get a social club going, I asked if I could be president of the antisocial club ... that one didn't really go down well)
Unfortunately, like many autistic people, I also experience a lot of burnout, especially since I work full-time and travel a long way to get to work. The reality is that our capitalist society is "designed" for neurotypicals, and it's only been recently that people have figured out that they can make workplaces more flexible and allow people to work from home. My current job is a lot better than my previous job; however, I often get migraines, and it's only been recently that I've connected my migraines with times of stress from work. I also have a tendency to stop talking (or only use profanity), and my trichotillimania gets worse.
If you can take away anything from my experiences, it's that representation matters. Autistic representation written by and centring neurotypical people as the "victims" in stories about autistic people stigmatise autism, and they aren't authentic. I'd love to be able to have a conversation with that girl from my English class and educate her - at the end of the day, it's not her fault, and at the time I was just as ignorant as she was. It's because of people like my former classmate (and myself) that we need characters like Quinni in Heartbreak High, or stories like B. R. Rhodes' Blue Rose Red, and people like Hannah Gadsby and Alex the Astronaut. The more disabled people we have sharing authentic experiences, the better.
And honestly, the sooner characters like neurotypical Luke Ford's portrayal of Charlie in The Black Balloon, Maddie Ziegler's woefully misguided Music in Sia's terrible film Music, and the autistic prop sibling Lily in my probably-well-meaning yet extremely ignorant classmate's short story become embarrassing and socially unacceptable, the better.
#actuallyautistic#actually autistic#heartbreak high#quinni gallagher jones#personal#essay#autistic millennial
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how do y'all deal with the soul-crushing guilt of existing
#i feel so much guilt and shame all the time. just for being alive.#it goes away sometimes if i'm distracted enough. I'm so easy to distract that I'll forget about the emptiness and actually be happy#but then the moment i have a second to think. the emptiness comes back and I feel so fucking guilty for being happy in the first place#and then i feel guilty for being sad. because I can't be sad. I'm not allowed to be sad. im supposed to be the one that helps everyone else#and i cant talk to anyone about it because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to be responsible for them being sad#a friend of mine recently told me that they tried to commit a few months ago. and I feel so fucking guilty about it because I wasn't there#we had drifted apart and i wasnt there and she couldve died and I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye#i still think of her as my best friend. and Im so tired because im so alone and the things that make me happy just. don't anymore#the things that used to keep me alive now just make me feel so fucking empty. because I feel guilty for enjoying them. i know i'm annoying#i know that i talk too much. but I feel like if I enjoy anything im going to push away every single person that I like spending time with#because i know im only there to be a support friend. a background npc in everyone elses stories. and I accepted that years ago#but it still fucking hurts knowing that im never going to have anyone to talk to#and i feel so guilty for that even because what if im fucking crazy and a manipulative piece of shit and i dont deserve to have friends#theres no point in me existing at this point but the guilt keeps me alive. i dont want to be a problem by killing myself#i just want an excuse to die. i want to stop existing and for my memory to be wiped from this earth so no one feels guilty#even venting makes me feel like a piece of shit but if i dont let it out i really will die#and its paradoxical. because if anyone tries to comfort me I'll feel so guilty about them feeling like they have to reassure me#because i know they don't really mean it and only feel guilty. but no one reassuring me will make me feel so alone like i am#so theres no winning here. i'm mentally ill and probably not going to make it to my 18th birthday. or the end of the summer. whatever#vent
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Denise Kulp, “On Working with My Brothers: Why a Lesbian Does AIDS Work.” Off Our Backs, vol. 18, no. 8, 1988, pp. 22–22:
["A few weeks ago, on my day off, I got up early, jumped in the car, drove to another part of the city, and went to a demonstration. A little while later, I grabbed the hand of a man who has been my best friend in the world for twelve years, and the hand of a woman who has become a close friend over the last several months, and ran out into the street. Six people went with us. We sat, holding hands and chanting, for over three hours. And then we were arrested.
It was my first act of civil disobedience. I was arrested for demonstrating about AIDS.
It seems strange that it's taken me so long to be arrested. I've spent twelve years being politically active, and there have been many actions and issues about which I've felt strongly enough to consider CD, but I've always decided it was inconvenient. But when the idea of committing this CD arose, I decided immediately. I planned ahead to take the day off. I made financial arrangements. I made sure at least one other woman would get arrested with me (and there were four of us, finally). And then I did it.
I come to my work as an AIDS activist full of anger, and with a long-held commitment to change. Recently I had a disagreement with a gay man who said that action born of anger was ineffective, while action born of love was positive. My position is that people I love are dying, and that makes me angry. I am making my anger powerful by turning it into action, to change the way things are.
And the people I love are dying. At least part of my definition of feminism is that I love women. And AIDS is killing women. Especially it is killing black women. And it is killing prostitutes, who are being blamed for spreading AIDS into the heterosexual community when in fact they are more likely to get it than to pass it on.
But I came to AIDS work through my concern for gay men. I have never called myself a separatist, and the major reason for that is because I love gay men. Part of the reason I love them is because so many of them were kind to me when I was coming out. I've always felt a kinship with gay men, an understanding; and I've always responded to a certain joy in life which many of the men I've known have shared. But the primary reason for my love of gay men is the very significant relationship I've had with Tim. We have been each other's closest friend since we were seventeen. We give each other emotional support; we hold each other; we cry; we laugh, a lot. We want to have a child together. The thought of Tim dying, of anything happening to him, terrifies me. And so the threat of AIDS, originally, was brought home to me in a very personal way. But it didn't stay personal. It expanded to the whole community of gay men. And then, of course, it expanded past that.
For the most part, I work on AIDS with gay men and lesbians. I share ideas, energy, and politics with gay men, and I have not had conversations with other friends about my work, but I've heard what they've said. (I am much happier when my friends talk to me). There seems to be a concern that women, feminists, lesbians especially, are going to forget about doing "our" own work and give most of our energy to gay men. There seems, further, to be some concern that in the focus on AIDS, lesbian issues and concerns are going to be waylaid, forgotten, buried. There seems, in fact, to be anger and resentment about this, and a belief that when it turns out that when lesbians are up against a wall, gay men will just walk away and forget all about us. They've never really been concerned with our issues anyway, right? What makes us (lesbians who work on AIDS issues) think gay men will change?
Okay. Fine. I never said that all gay men are non-sexist and perfect (although I do think Tim is perfect). I never said that I expected all relationships between gay men and lesbians to change over night. But I will say other things.
First off, why do we say that gay men never cared about our issues? We seem to be thinking of gay men as a monolith (which is almost as bad as thinking of them generically, as I have, above). There have always been some gay men who have understood and supported our issues, as there have also been gay men who have totally different politics, as there have always been Lesbians who don't agree with "our" politics. (Now who's the monolith?) (And besides, don't you believe there are lesbian anti-abortion Reagan supporters?) But, more importantly, when have we asked gay men to support our issues? Almost every political group I've been a member of has been women only. We haven't wanted men involved. We've wanted to develop our own sense of power, our own way of doing politics. Men, if they like, can do child care at women only events. But we want our own space. There are all things I support. But we can't really expect gay men to understand lesbian issues unless we take the time to explain, and to ask for their support. We haven't done that.
There is an assumption that because some lesbians are working on AIDS issues with gay men that we are giving all our energy, emotional, political energy only to gay men. This isn't true. Women are dying. WOMEN ARE DYING. When I do political work, I think of the gay men I know who have died, the men I know now who have AIDS, of the friends of my friends. But I also think of the seventeen year old black prostitute who died blind, who was the buddy of a friend of mine. I remember that there are recorded cases of lesbian-to-lesbian transmission. I know who's dying. And I know that it's because of who was dying first that so little government money has been spent on this disease, that it has taken so long for people to be concerned. Public hysteria didn't start when faggots were dying; it started out when we found out AIDS passes through blood, and that straight men can die too. And when faggots started dying, it was other faggots, and some lesbians, and some straight women who took care of them. I feel fine about giving my energy to those faggots. I'm just mad it took me so damn long.
Will those gay men stand up for me when lesbians are against the wall? Yes. I am trusting them. I look at these men I'm working with, and I see a facilitator who actually tries to facilitate, men who support an anti-sexist, anti-racist statement as soon as it's suggested, men who want to be told when they do or say something sexist, men who choose a lesbian as a spokesperson when they go to trial, men who actually listen to the lesbians they're working with because maybe these women have some more political experience than they do. Yes, I am trusting these men.
I look at the lesbian and gay movement as it has developed over the last twenty years, and I see it as dichotomized. There is the mainstream lesbian and gay movement— Democrats and Republicans, task forces, advocates, defense funds, and campaign funds— and I see it as a meeting place where lesbians and gay men come together, but as a place where mostly men are involved. More men have traditionally been invested in that game. But right-on radical lesbians have played that game, too. (Heavens, I even dated one!) (Wait! I think I was one!) It's one way of doing things, and it gets things done— anti-discrimination laws, for example, at least sometimes, at least some places.
And then there's "our" movement, the lesbian-feminist one. We're national, certainly, but more grass-roots, or even closer to the ground/land. And we have always been more radical. We have a different culture, a different vision, an analysis. In college I did a big paper on the gay rights movement, and I remember feeling so superior when I realized that lesbians have a theory (tons of them, actually) and gay men don't. Historically, lesbians and gay men have looked at the world separately and differently. We haven't tried to engage them in our struggle, and they haven't a clue about how to engage us in theirs. But a lot of things are changing that, and AIDS is one of them. If we can keep down the barriers that some of us are breaking through, maybe, when the immediate crisis is over, we can work together, carefully, to a new place.
Like I said, I'm trusting the gay men.”]
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Number 73
~Part 2!!! Read Part 1 first please!!!~
Requested: By many of you
Pairing: Axl Rose x Female Reader
Description: A continuation of part 1!! This fic takes place over the course of about two months. (It’s most likely unrealistic, but when is fanfiction ever real? This also has 2,634 words!!!! I got so carried away lmao ENJOY.)
Warning: Some cursing and mentions of sex (no smut...yet)
A/N: R E B L O G :)
*GIF is NOT mine. Found it on Google, so credit goes to the owner!*
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“I knew he was an asshole, but fuck that’s cold.”
Nodding at your best friend, you bend down to take a sip of your lukewarm coffee, shrugging. It’s been two days since you last saw Axl. The douchebag was all you could think about; Not even the sex you’d had.
You couldn’t fully place the blame on him. You were naive to think you’d mean anything to him, changing anything between the two of you. Like he said, you were just number seventy-three.
“Was it good at least?”
You grin, fighting the urge to spill all the details. “Hate sex is always good, Y/B/F, but hate sex with Axl? Unbeatable.”
She chuckles. “How many girls do you think he’s fucked since you?”
You think for a moment. “Well, I was seventy-three, so I’d say he’s probably at about seventy-eight now. I’m not mad that he has a lot of sex. I’m pissed off that I let myself be used by a man that doesn’t care about me. I wish other girls could see that, too.”
Commitment wasn’t in Axl’s vocabulary. He simply couldn’t bring himself to be loyal. In the years that you’d known the Guns N’ Roses singer, he’d never been in a relationship. Girls were simply his playthings. They served no purpose to him other than pleasure.
Still, even with his mood swings and deplorable attitude, you couldn’t deny your attraction. But you’d think twice about letting the redhead anywhere near you or your body. You wouldn’t be vulnerable. Not again.
On the way home to your house, you drop off Y/B/F. Before she exits the car, she turns to you, the corners of her mouth raised in a smirk. “So what are you going to do about it?”
“About what?” You ask, fixing your sunglasses in the rearview mirror.
She gives you a look. “Duh, about Axl. He humiliated you. He fucked you and threw you aside like you were nothing. If I were you, I’d give him a taste of his own medicine.”
You drum your fingers on the steering wheel, gears turning in your head. She had a point. “What, like, I should get even?”
Y/B/F shakes her head, eyes wild, and smiles wide. “Oh no, honey. You’re not just going to get even. You’re going to beat him at his own damn game.”
~~~
“Y/N?” Steven yawns, scratching his head as you push past him into the GNR apartment. Glass bottles and cigarettes litter the floor from last night’s party, and the place reeks of alcohol, smoke, and sweat. “What are you doing here?” He follows your eyes to the floor, wincing. “Sorry, I actually just woke up. Axl and Duff started cleaning but they went out to get pizza for lunch.”
“That’s actually perfect,” You’ve been over the apartment plenty of times before, almost as if it’s your own. The boys needed to find their own respective places, though, as four out of the five were ready to settle down. Grabbing a trash bag, you help Steven clean up the rest of the mess. “Look, I need your help. I trust you the most.”
Steven snickers. “Oh, no. Do you know who you’re talking to? I’m not the most reliable.”
“Maybe not,” you say, hands firm on your hips. “But I trust you to keep your mouth shut.”
Steven groans, taking a deep breath before situating himself on the couch. He waves his hand, “Proceed.”
“You all know Axl and I can’t stand each other,” Steven laughs heartily and you shoot him a hard look. “And after a long few days of thinking, I decided that what I hate, even more than Axl, is being used.”
“Yeah, he told me about your little uh…” He makes a face. “I know you had sex, let’s put it that way. You were number seventy-three, he wrote it down.”
“I’m sure I was the topic of--wait,” You furrow your brows, unsure if you’d heard him correctly. “Did you say he wrote it down?”
Steven nods. “Of course he wrote it down. How else would he keep track of all the girls he’s fucked? All the names are in a little brown book under his bed.” Steven’s eyes go wide, realizing his mistake. “I definitely shouldn’t have said that.”
Before Steven can react, you run down the hall and into Axl’s room, rummaging under his bed before your fingers graze a leather cover. You pull it out and flip to the most recent page, and there scribbled in black ink is your name, along with seven other girls’ names from the previous weekend.
“Son of a bitch,” you whisper, thumbing through the other pages. “Shelly Neilson, Diana Fox, Cait Burke, Jade Nichols, Ruby Thompson…”
“Wait a minute,” Steven says, peering over your shoulder. His jaw clenches as he rereads the last name. “Ruby Thompson?”
“What? She an ex or something?” You ask, skimming the first few pages, eyes bulging at the dates. “This book goes back seven years ago. Jesus, Axl.”
You feel Steven’s body tense beside you. You turn, and his face is stone-like. “Ruby Thompson is my goddamn cousin.” Mouth agape, you watch as Steven runs a hand over his face. “That fucking bastard. No wonder he never let any of us see this book.”
“Uh, what’s going on?”
You turn toward the doorway where Slash and his wife stand, eyeing you suspiciously. You give Steven a sympathetic look before turning back toward the door. “I need to find a way to get back at Axl for treating me like shit.”
“Look, I’m not defending him,” Slash begins, earning a warning look from his wife. “But you knew his track record and you still let him fuck you?”
“Okay, technically, because I rode him, I fucked him,” Slash and Steven snicker. “And yes, it was stupid, I realize that now. Having sex with him wasn’t going to fix any animosity between us. But he knows me personally, and he fucking hurt me. I won’t let him get away with it. Not this time.”
“So what’s your plan?” asks Steven.
“That’s why I came here,” you sigh, clutching the book to your chest. “I need your help.”
Slash thinks for a moment. “What does Axl hate more than anything in the world?”
Steven chuckles, shoving his hands in his pockets. “A lot of things. Competition. Second place. Being used,” Steven shoots you a wink. “And Y/N.”
“Exactly. Axl prides himself on having the most sex out of his whole friend group, right?,” Slash says, and his wife grins wickedly when she catches on.
“If we can keep Axl from having sex for a few weeks, that will give you a chance to reach his body count. He hates when others are good at something he’s good at. ” She says. Slash offers an impressive look. “Y/N, what’s your count?”
Your face flushes, and the two men glance at you expectantly. “Seventeen.”
Steven grimaces. “Seriously? We’re going to need at least a month, maybe more.”
“Hey,” Steven cowers when Slash’s wife pins him with a look. “In this house, we don’t shame women for liking sex and having sex just as much as men do. And compared to some men, seventeen is nothing.”
You send her a smile as a thank you. She nods back, grinning proudly.
“Alright, look,” Steven says, lips curling back in a quick smile. “I have three cousins who would love to help you get back at Axl. He crashed the first one’s car, stole money from the second, and slept with the third’s girlfriend. Come to think of it, she might actually be in here,” Steven reads through the book until he stops on a name. “Yep. Here she is. Misty Evans,” he snaps the book closed. “That motherfucker.”
“I have a brother you can use,” Slash’s wife grins. “And he has a lot of friends.” She wiggles her eyebrows excitedly.
“Okay, okay, hold on,” Slash holds up his hands. “It’s a good plan and all, but how in the hell are we going to stop Axl from having sex?”
~~~
73.
For two months, he was stuck at number 73.
Which was, by far, the best sex of his life.
And it just so happens it was with the person he hated most in the world.
Axl couldn’t get it out of his head. The way your eyes looked him up and down, daring him to leave and begging him to stay at the same time. Your soft lips that he was desperate to kiss again and feel on his skin. The breathy moans that were music to his ears. He’d be breaking his rule if he slept with you again, but Axl’s craving for your body had him considering wiping out the rule altogether.
His attempts to get you off his mind continued to fail as more and more women began to reject his advances. One minute he’d strike up a conversation, and the girls would be all for it, but as he returned from the bathroom or from a quick smoke break or the bar with another drink, they avoided him. Shot him dirty looks. Pretended they weren’t just all over him a few minutes prior. He didn’t understand, and it was driving him crazy.
Little does he know, whenever he leaves, you take his place, quickly showing the girls Axl’s book that hides in your purse, before urging them to stay away. So far, every girl that he’s tried to woo into his bed has shunned him. Many of the girls recognize their own friends in Axl’s book, and they promise you to stay away from him. It was dirty, it was evil, but no one ever wins by playing a fair game.
While he was constantly facing rejection, you were thriving. Axl noticed that whenever you came out with the group, men flocked to you instantly, more than they had before. You’d barely said three words to him since the night you’d slept together, and hadn’t even looked him in the eye.
He’d buy you drinks, only for you to mutter a quick thanks without returning the favor. Despite not being the best dancer, he’d offer you his hand at the clubs, only to be met with laughter from his bandmates as you accepted another man’s offer. And what blew his mind? Many of the guys looked...familiar.
From his seat at the booth, Axl could see a man shamelessly flirting with you at the bar. He grit his teeth, hand clenching around the bottle in front of him.
“Uh, dude?” Duff signals to the beer. “If you want to practice your chokehold, I’m sure there are plenty of chicks in here who would be more than willing to help you out, if you know what I mean.”
Axl’s eyes never left you. “What the hell is going on with Y/N?”
“What do you mean?” Steven asks innocently, shooting Slash a sly grin. “She’s having a drink at the bar.”
Axl turns to Steven, narrowing his eyes. “I can see that, you dumbass. I mean, why the hell hasn’t she spoken to me?”
“The hell do you care?” Izzy answers, taking a swig of his tequila. “You hate each other anyway.”
“I just don’t think I’ve ever seen her so...relaxed.” Axl remarks, bringing his beer to his lips.
“I mean, I’d be too if I was having as much sex as she was,” Slash grins, dropping a teasing wink in his wife’s direction.
Axl pauses, brows drawn together. “What the fuck do you mean?”
Hesitantly, Slash’s wife clears her throat, chiming into the conversation for the first time that night. “Alright, look, this does not leave the table, hear me?” When everyone nods, she continues. “I promised I’d keep this to myself, but Y/N’s had sex with twenty guys in the past five days.”
Axl’s eyes nearly roll out of his head when the table laughs. He seems to have missed what was funny.
“No shit!” Duff laughs, clapping his hands together.
“That’s fucking impressive,” Izzy smirks.
“So what does that bring her count to total?” Steven asks, fully aware of Axl’s bright red face. He laughs to himself. The singer was hopeless, making it way too easy for the group to fuck with him.
“Seventy bodies,” Slash’s wife cocks her head to the side. Something about her words, her gesture, is taunting. “How many did you say you had again, Axl?”
“Seventy-three,” he says through gritted teeth.
“Wait,” Izzy and Slash say together, “You haven’t fucked anyone since Y/N?”
“Dude, that was over two months ago,” Duff says in a teasing manner.
“It’s not like I haven’t fucking tried!” Axl exclaims, slamming his palm down on the table. He takes a deep breath, finding his composure, and lowers his voice. “I keep getting rejected and I don’t fucking know why.”
“Oh, the horror,” Izzy says, rolling his eyes. “All will be right in the world when Axl finds some random chick to bang.”
Slash and his wife snicker and share a look. Axl shakes his head. He senses something is wrong, but he can’t call anyone out without proof.
Something about you having almost the same amount of bodies as him didn’t sit right. No one in his life even came close. Then again, no one was so obsessed with sex like Axl was. No one was so open about their sex life.
Against his better judgment, Axl finds himself striding toward the bar, visibly irritated as the man next to you rests his palm right above your ass. Axl grabs the man’s wrist and pulls it from your body, pushing him away from you. He ignores the man’s protests, throws back the rest of whatever piss warm beer the dude had been drinking, flips him off, before turning back to you.
The shock on your face is evident. “There is something seriously wrong with you. What the hell, Axl?”
“Seventy bodies?” Axl says, voice condescending. “Some prostitutes don’t even have that many.”
Your blood boils and you swear to yourself you see red. The audacity of this man to shame you. “I see you’re still a dick. What the hell does it matter to you, huh? What’s your problem?”
“My problem?” Axl’s laugh is light, breathy, as he restrains himself from screaming. “My problem is that I haven’t fucked something in two months. I’m going fucking feral.”
“Seems like a you problem,” you retort, puckering your lips before taking a drink. Axl’s book suddenly feels heavy in your purse. You sneak a look to make sure the purse is properly zipped before glancing back to the fuming redhead. “What would you like me to do about it?”
It all comes out in a rush. “I don’t know! Suck my dick, ride me, do something!” Axl cringes when you giggle, face heating. Holy fucking desperate.
“Are you...is Axl Rose...begging?”
He throws his head back in annoyance. This wasn’t going as planned. “I--no. Fuck. Ignore that. Can’t we just go back to my place or something?”
“I thought you didn’t fuck the same girl twice?” You remind him of his words, and you can tell by his face he regrets saying them.
But he remains cool, standing up straight, all the while contradicting his previous statement. “I don’t.”
Finishing your drink, you set it to the side. Batting your lashes, you step forward, a mere centimeter apart from Axl’s face. His breath is raggedy, lips parted, and you see it coming. He leans forward to kiss you, but you’re too quick. Brushing your lips against his ear, palm flat against his chest, you utter the words as confidence floods your veins. “If you don’t want the same pussy twice, then what makes you think I want the same dick twice?”
#axl rose#axl rose fanfic#axl rose fic#axl rose fanfiction#axl rose x reader#axl rose x female reader#axl rose x y/n#axl rose guns n roses#axl rose gnr#guns n roses#guns n roses imagine#guns n roses fanfic#guns n roses fanfiction#axl rose smut#guns n roses fic#guns n roses smut#gnr#gnr fanfic#gnr fanfiction#gnr fic#gnr smut
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Say You Won’t Let Go
a Sidney Crosby wedding series
Part Two
a/n: here’s part deux! read part one here. this will have at least one more part, probably 2! worth noting that I know next to no French and am relying heavilyyyy on our pal Google Translate in this story.
summary: a little more background throughout, as Juliette and Sidney meet up with their families and hockey star-studded bridal party for a rehearsal at their iconic wedding venue. if you’re not familiar with the location (it’s honestly incredible), click here for a look!
warnings: mention of deceased father. otherwise, so damn fluffy it’s practically cotton candy.
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Sidney and I arrived at the church exactly on time, much to Lauren’s satisfaction, with two cars carrying Mario’s crew pulling in at the next moment. I closed the passenger door of Sidney’s steel grey Range Rover and turned to take in the sight of our wedding venue, Heinz Chapel on Pitt’s campus, reaching a hand up to shield my face from the early evening sun as I gazed. Sidney did the same, coming to stand next to me and snaking an arm around my torso.
“Not a bad place to get married, eh?” he teased, kissing the crown of my head. I smiled and shook my head. “I’ve dreamed of this since the moment I first saw this place,” I told him. “It’s perfect.”
He took a step forward, offered his hand to me and grinned, quite pleased that we had been able to reserve the coveted location last summer despite it typically being booked three or more years in advance. I didn’t often request many special favors in the name of my uncle or fiancé, but this was one that seemed a necessity. Taking Sidney’s hand and walking toward the cathedral-style landmark, I said a silent prayer of thanks that I’d gotten even more than what I always dreamed of, in so many ways.
My family and Sidney walked into the chapel to find his parents and our bridal party already mingling near the pews, excitement palpably buzzing beneath the magnificent arches and towering stained-glass windows that decorated the exquisite interior. As we stepped through the doors, they turned our way, and I let out an echoing, very French-Canadian-sounding, “Allooo!” making them all laugh.
I first greeted Troy, Trina, and Taylor with hugs and warm hellos. Sidney’s parents were staying at his former townhome on Mt. Washington, which previously served as his bachelor pad and now housed Taylor in light of her recent move to Pittsburgh. We had spent much quality time with the elder Crosbys since their arrival from Nova Scotia a few days ago, helping us with final preparations and enjoying each other’s company ahead of my official entrance into their family.
Both Trina and Nathalie had accompanied me earlier in the week to my final dress fitting and pickup appointment at the bridal boutique where I had selected my gown. Though my mother did plan to attend the wedding ceremony as a guest, she was uninterested in playing the traditional mother of the bride role and joining me for such commitments, which hadn’t surprised me but still stung sharply, especially when I was fastened into the gown and presented by the salon attendant to a waiting Trina and Nathalie.
Bitter tears pricked my eyes as I allowed myself to feel robbed of sharing that moment with my own mom. My sadness was quickly overcome, however, when the women, sensing my sadness, warmly embraced me and fawned over me, admiring the perfect fit of the gown, both becoming emotional when Nathalie tucked my headpiece and veil tenderly into my hair.
The three of us stared at my reflection in the mirror for a few moments as we let tears of many complicated emotions fall, with joy prevailing above them all. I couldn’t keep the enormous smile from my cheeks when Trina squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “Oh, sweetheart, just wait until Sidney sees you.”
Now, we were less than 24 hours away from that moment, with our bridal party and family bustling around us in the chapel.
As our officiant, Father Antonio, announced that we would be lining up for the rehearsal momentarily, Lauren approached me with a grin, extending a bouquet she had made of the countless ribbons and bows from my bridal shower gifts acquired a couple of months ago. I giggled at how cheesy yet adorable the arrangement looked, thanking her as we huddled at the back of the aisle with my bridesmaids and Sidney’s groomsmen.
“This place is a little beat up,” Nate MacKinnon, our best man, ribbed Sidney from between the two of us. “I don’t know why you guys picked this dump,” he added, pulling me to his side. Sidney shoved lightly at his chest before the two of them laughed and embraced.
“Yeah, the old barn in Cole Harbour was booked this weekend, so we kinda had to settle for the next best thing,” Sidney played into Nate’s teasing, as his longtime best friend Mike, also a Cole Harbour native, approached us.
“Kind of a shithole,” Nate whispered, earning a warning glance from me as Austin tried to hold in hysterical laughter. “You can’t say shit in church!” Austin forced out from under his breath. “Oh, we’re going straight to hell,” Mike commented softly. Sidney gave me an apologetic look and I smiled up at him.
“It’s fine. These are our people!” I said to him, flicking Nate’s elbow as I passed him. “Besides, we’ve already been living in sin,” I added, winking at Sidney. He gave me a look of mock disbelief and insisted, “No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a nice Catholic boy.” I giggled and pushed onto my tiptoes to kiss his cheek, which smelled of his fresh aftershave.
In addition to Nate, Mike, and Austin, we greeted Sidney’s other groomsmen as we prepared for the rehearsal — his current teammates Kris Letang and Evgeni Malkin and former Penguin Marc-Andre Fleury. They had all graciously accepted the invitation by Sidney to play this special role in our day, with Geno flying in from Russia and Kris and Marc-Andre from Quebec.
Marc-Andre had brought a few other important components to our day along with him — not the least of which was his wife and my best friend, Veronique. She and I had first met when Sidney and I were only casually seeing each other, and she had predicted this wedding long, long ago. She had been one of our biggest cheerleaders since the day we met, and despite her and Marc’s eventual move to Las Vegas, the four of us remained the closest of friends, visiting each other when the men’s respective teams played and whenever else possible.
With Lauren as my maid of honor and Stephanie, Alexa, and Taylor as three of my other bridesmaids, my friend Jacqueline, a Pittsburgh transplant with Canadian roots whom I met while studying at Duquesne, rounded out my crew of six ladies who would stand by my side on this long-awaited day.
To up the cuteness factor, Sidney and I had selected Marc-Andre and Veronique’s daughters, Estelle and Scarlet, as our flower girls, with Geno’s son Nikita and Kris’s son Alex as our ringbearers. Nikita was still a bit young to understand his role, but grinned broadly when Sidney told him when they arrived just how important he was to our day. On the other hand, Kris told us that Alex had cried after his parents had asked him to be in our wedding, because, as much as he adored and was attached to Sid, Alex had been under the impression that I was his girlfriend, not Uncle Sidney’s.
Eventually, after Sidney and I made the rounds to greet them all, the entire bridal party was grouped together to begin the walk-through. The venue’s wedding planner wrangled the children as the priest noted that Sidney needed to leave my side to approach the front of the church alone, in preparation for his emergence from one of the side doors at the front of the sanctuary tomorrow.
Playful “oooh”’s erupted from our groomsmen, who teased Sid about having to pry himself away from my hip. Sidney rolled his eyes, nodding and smirking, before turning his full attention to me. He tucked some hair behind both of my ears before caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.
“You gonna be okay, Jules?” Sidney asked, eyes wider than normal as he searched mine carefully.
I knew he wasn’t asking if I would be alright once he left my side to stand twenty yards away for the next five minutes, but rather if I would be able to contain my emotions as Mario walked me down the aisle, even during a practice run, in place of my father.
We had talked about this specific part of our day a number of times, with Sidney even pondering aloud whether he should walk me down the aisle himself because walking with anyone except my dad felt impossible to me. His sweet dad had even offered to do so, should I desire. After each conversation, Sidney and I both kept arriving at the same conclusion — that the best and most appropriate plan of action was for Mario to give me away and also to join me for the traditional father-daughter dance at the reception.
I nodded, holding onto Sidney’s wrists. “Yeah,” I whispered. “I’ll be okay,” I promised. He nodded solemnly in return and kissed my forehead before pulling back with a wink.
“You can do this,” he encouraged. “I’ll see you up there.” I gave him my best smile as he turned and walked to the front of the chapel.
As our wedding party lined up in front of me to take their positions, Nate stopped me for one of his signature bear hugs, resting his chin on top of my head just for a moment before releasing me. The rest of our group squeezed my hands and rubbed my arms lovingly as I walked to the back door of the sanctuary where Mario waited, hands folded in front of his hips and a tentative smile on his features. He, too, gave me a sweet kiss on the forehead before holding my shoulders at arm’s length.
“Listen, princesse, it was one of the greatest honors of my life when you asked me to walk you down the aisle,” Mario said, soft enough that only I could hear. “But if you’ve changed your mind and would rather do this some other way, please, just say the word.” I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his waist just as the piano music began.
“No, you are exactly the person my dad would want doing this if he couldn’t,” I told him confidently. Mario let out a small exhale, and I could tell he was trying to remain composed. As we parted, he said, “Then let’s go make him proud.” He offered his arm to me and I wrapped my hands around it firmly, leaning my head into his shoulder briefly.
We watched pairs of our party head down the aisle toward Sidney and the priest at a relaxed pace: Jacqueline and Geno led off, followed by Veronique and Marc-Andre, Taylor and Kris, Alexa and Austin, Stephanie and Mike, and finally, Lauren and Nate. Alex walked down the aisle in a near-skip, holding a fake pillow very carefully just as his mother, our beautiful friend Catherine, had instructed him, with Nikita by his side mimicking his every move. Their fathers gave them thumbs up and everyone clapped lightly when they reached the end of the aisle.
Next, after a bit of prompting from both their parents at the front, Estelle and Scarlett followed the boys’ path, scattering fake rose petals in place of the real ones they would have tomorrow, earning their own quiet round of applause. As the children were seated at the ends of the front pews on either side, the music shifted, and our wedding planner turned and gave Mario and me the nod.
“Ready, Juliette?” he asked softly. My eyes traveled down the long red carpet in front of us to the steps where the love of my life stood centered in between our closest friends and family, waiting for me. He gave me a warm, adoring smile and at that moment, I felt my unease melt away, just as it always did when Sidney was near.
“I’m so ready,” I whispered.
#sidney crosby#crosby#sidney crosby fic#sidney crosby fanfiction#sidney crosby fanfic#sidney crosby writing#sidney crosby imagine#hockey#hockeyblr#hockey fanfiction#hockey fanfic#hockey fic#hockey writing#hockey imagine#hockey fluff#nhl#nhl hockey#nhl writing#nhl fanfiction#nhl fanfic#nhl fic#nhl imagine#nhl fluff#nhl hockey writing#mario lemieux#mario#Lemieux#pittsburgh penguins#penguins hockey#say you won’t let go x sidney crosby
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dangerous game - ii
hey! it’s here! this part is kinda just setting stuff up so i can knock it down in a hot minute 😌✌ let me know what you think ;)
word count: 2.5k
warning(s): yummy teen angst, petty kings and queens, i don’t think i swore but like swearing
taglist: @badluckposting - @c0-77 - @my-remical-chomance
let me know if you wanna be added xoxo
READ DANGEROUS GAME FIRST!!!!!
masterlist
(gif not mine :))
Walking away from Peter was harder than you thought it would be. You figured you were angry enough that calling him out and shutting him down wouldn’t have phased you, but as you walked away from your room where you’d left him you felt absolutely shattered.
Your heart was in your stomach, weighing it down and making you feel sick.
Every time you blinked tears would fall and you had to bite your cheek to stop yourself from sobbing out loud.
You were sure you’d made the right choice in standing up to Peter, he’d hurt you so badly and you couldn’t let him get away with it so easily. Despite how sure of yourself you were, you still couldn’t shake the look on his face when you walked away from him, looking at him in that moment let you know that he was experiencing first hand what he had put you through, but that made you feel even worse. You never wanted to hurt him like that, yet in true full circle fashion, you had.
As you walked through the hallways lost in your own thoughts, you didn’t notice the concerned looks you were receiving from the other girls in the corridor. They all knew better than to ask if you were okay, most of them had heard the argument you’d just had and they all knew about the tension between you and the speedster prior to said argument.
In all honesty you weren’t sure where you were headed, all you wanted was to be as far away from Peter and his hurt puppy dog facial expressions as you could. You also really needed a hug.
The confrontation had taken it out of you, you felt drained and you really needed to let the sobs you’d been holding back escape you, a good shoulder to cry on was exactly what you needed.
You kept walking, tears still streaming down your face, until you were no longer in the girls dorm area. The concerned looks continued as you dragged your feet further into the academy, towards the common room where your friends would most likely be hanging out.
When you got to the common room, Jubilee, Kurt and Warren were the only ones there. Jean and Scott probably had some kind of date night, you thought as you walked into the room quietly.
Two couches face each other in the room, Kurt and Jubilee occupied one while Warren sat alone on the one opposite and instinctively you went to the couch with the biggest amount of vacant space.
You all but threw yourself into the winged boy’s side, not wasting a second before you finally let out a sob, tears rushing from your eyes and soaking his shirt. Immediately Warren’s arm was holding you against him, his hand rubbing your arm soothingly as you cried into his chest.
Jubilee bounced to her feet, detaching from Kurt who she’d been snuggling up to before your arrival and rushed over to you, she plopped herself down beside you and gently pried you away from Warren’s side.
Her hands held your arms and her brows furrowed at your red nose and puffy eyes. Why was her best friend crying and who did she need to kill?
“Babe! Why are you crying?” She asked, concern growing as you broke into a fresh set of tears at her question and fell into her shoulder this time.
Sniffling and trying to catch your breath you tried to gasp out an answer, “I t-talked- I talked to P-Pet-” You didn’t even manage to finish your explanation as you broke down again, reminding Jubilee of a small child that just scraped it’s knee.
Jubilee sighed sadly and wrapped her arms around you tightly as she understood what you were trying to say.
“What’d he say?” She asked once you’d settled down, stroking your hair as your cheek rested against her colourfully clothed shoulder.
“He came up to say he was sorry. He told me he and Heather broke up and then he-” You started before getting worked up again and needing to take a break before you finished, “Then he told me that he loves me.”
Jubilee’s eyes widened, Kurt’s brows furrowed and Warren scoffed.
“What did you say!?” Jubilee asked with a shout as she pulled away to get a good look at you.
Taking a deep breath, you leaned back against the couch, comfortably squashed between Warren and Jubilee as Kurt sat across from you all on the edge of his seat.
“Well- he said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to ruin the friendship and I told him that if he really loved me he wouldn’t have done what did.” Warren looked at you with squinted eyes, there was something else getting under your skin.
“Anything else?” Warren asked, eyebrow raising as you chewed on the inside of your cheek nervously.
After a few seconds you nodded and glanced around at your friends, “When I brought up the whole leaving me for Heather thing he got really defensive and started saying that I moved on pretty fast."
Warren glared at the thought of it and turned his body to be facing you more comfortably, "The hell did he mean by that?”
“He was jealous of you actually.” You told the blond, lip trapped between your teeth- the whole situation making you anxious.
Warren rolled his eyes and pulled you back into him, almost in defiance to what he’d just been told. He wouldn’t admit it to you but he was glad Peter was jealous of him.
Warren wasn’t exactly proud of it but as soon as he saw Peter beginning to slip away from you, he slid right in between the gaps to take his place. Unlike everyone else at the academy, at the beginning, you were one of the only people who wasn’t afraid of him and he clung to that kindness.
Not only were you kind but as he got to know you he came to discover that you were funny, easygoing, strong-willed, an incredible fighter and to him you came across like some kind of goddess.
He was happy with just being your friend, everyone knew that you had a thing for Peter and that he had one for you too so Warren stayed back. However as soon as you started getting knocked down by, in Warren’s opinion, Peter’s asshole behavior he had no choice but to be there to pick you up off the ground.
He was so genuinely happy that Peter was jealous, because that’s how he felt every time the silver haired boy would throw his arm around you or when he’d make you laugh so hard that you had tears in your eyes. Warren always wanted that to be him and in the last few months it had been, he’d picked you up, been your shoulder to cry on, your secret drinking buddy after a successful mission and recently he’d mastered the art of making you laugh when you were close to tears or even making you laugh so hard that you’re left in tears.
Not to get him wrong, Peter was his friend and he wanted you guys to resolve your issues and make up, but what he didn’t want was for Peter to come back into your life and wreck everything Warren had worked so hard for. He was your first love, Warren could acknowledge that and accept it for what it was, but he was determined to be your next love, maybe even your last if things went well.
He wanted you and Peter to be friends again- just friends.
And as you settled into Warren’s side he shook his head when you sighed out, “I just feel bad, he looked pretty bummed when I told him I wasn’t gonna forget about this.”
“You shouldn’t.” Warren declared and Jubilee and Kurt nodded in agreement.
“He’s right, (Y/n). So what if he’s jealous, he started it.” To which you couldn’t argue, Jubilee was right, he had started it but at the end of the day you didn’t want to run the risk of losing one of your best friends for good because of childish pride.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” You sighed in exhaustion and leaned into Warren’s warmth, allowing your eyes to shut as Jubilee moved back to her spot beside Kurt.
Meanwhile Peter had left your room, dejected from his failed attempt at fixing things with you.
He had a tendency lately of only realizing he’s being a dick after he’s already acted like a dick. It was clear to him that he shouldn’t have dragged Warren into things, they were friends, but he wasn’t blind, he could see that the blond had a crush on you.
It was hypocritical of him to say that you moved on fast but, to him, replacing you with Heather and replacing him with Warren just wasn’t the same.
Heather could’ve never replaced you as his best friend, she was just supposed to be a romantic distraction, he seriously hadn’t meant to push you away the way he did.
It was the pressure of the situation that made him cave. Heather was sweet but she was insecure, she didn’t trust that Peter’s relationship with you was purely platonic and so she offered him an ultimatum- a relationship with her or a relationship with you. Now under normal circumstances Peter would never ever choose anybody over you, but since Heather was his only way to stop himself from being completely, utterly, painfully in love with you, he picked her.
And obviously it backfired.
With you and Warren it was different though, when Peter left there was an open spot available for the position of your new best friend and he’d seen the way Warren had lunged for it. Sure, you had Jubilee, Jean, Kurt and Scott there for you too but Warren really committed to acting the part.
He couldn’t blame him though, because he knew he was gonna do the same, the second Warren slips up Peter is going to be right there to pick up the pieces for you.
The way he saw things, Warren was just a temporary fix because he was sure he was going to win you back. And now that he knows that you loved him too? He was determined to get back on your good side.
Only what Peter didn’t know was that you had always seen Warren in a different light, he had this effect on you that drew you to him, you loved being around him but not in the same way you loved being around Peter.
With Peter it was safe and comfortable, doing things together was always spontaneous and exciting but you knew everything there was to know about each other. With Warren on the other hand, it was laid back and new, you were always learning new things about each other and getting closer with each new thing you learned, things with him were funny and chilled out- you never had to be doing something wild to be having fun.
You weren’t sure what it was yet, but you and Warren got along like something other than friends because unlike Peter, who in his defense hadn’t expected to fall for you, Warren was tactical, he made sure not to get himself stuck in the friend zone.
Peter decided that since he’d pretty much broken the damn of awkwardness with you he might as well try and get on the good side of the rest of his friends too.
He sped to the common room and tried to keep a neutral expression when he noticed that you were there and asleep on Warren’s shoulder.
“Hey guys…” He called out casually as he strolled into the room and sat down beside you and Warren.
The winged boy shifted uncomfortably and tightened his arms around you and you scooted closer, not bothering to open your eyes, you knew exactly who the voice belonged to.
The conversation you’d had with him was still fresh in your mind and you were actively bitter about what he’d said about you and Warren, although you supposed you were kind of proving his point right now, snuggling up to the guy that you knew he was jealous of and pretending to be asleep.
“Um… hey… Peter?” Jubilee spoke unsurely, looking to Warren with wide questioning eyes.
Warren just looked at her calmly and tried to give her a look that said ‘play it cool’, but understandably the girl didn’t catch it.
If you weren’t so committed to pretending to sleep you would’ve laughed at your best girlfriend’s not at all subtle attempt to abandon the awkward tension filled common room.
“This is so awkward. Bamf us out.” She whispered frantically to Kurt who looked at her in confusion, cocking his head towards Peter, Warren and yourself on the other couch.
“Just bamf us out!” She whisper shouted despite the fact that everyone in the room could hear her, including you.
Next thing you heard was Kurt bamfing away and Peter letting out a low whistle.
“What’s their problem?” Peter asked nobody in particular.
Warren rolled his eyes and groaned, “You’re their problem."
Feeling the tension build between the pair of them, you stirred in Warren’s hold and faked a hazy wake up.
"Hey.” You smiled up at Warren softly, acting none the wiser to Peter’s presence in the room.
“Hi there." He replied, green eyes boring into yours and a smile to match your own made its way onto his face.
For a moment you actually forgot about the envious speedster who was glaring daggers at the back of your head, that was before he spoke up.
"Hello.” At the greeting Warren let out a heavy breath through his nose and shook his head at you in exhaustion.
Not bothering to look at the boy behind you, you pulled yourself away from Warren and made your way toward the door, not looking back.
“Night, Birdy.” You called out to Warren as you strode out of the common room, if the boys wanted to fight they could but you didn’t want anything to do with it.
“Birdy, huh?” Peter asked in a mocking tone, staring at Warren bitterly. You used to have stupid nicknames for him too.
“Why are you acting like she’s the one who screwed you?” Warren asked angrily, getting up from the couch to tower over where Peter sat.
The winged boy knew he was jealous but he wanted to add intimidated to the list of things he made him.
“Maybe I just don’t want to see her cozying up to someone like you.” Peter rebutted, rising from the sofa and getting in Warren’s face.
“Someone like me? You mean someone who’s loyal?” Warren challenged, chest puffed out and eyes set in a glare, wings ready to sprout out in defense at any second.
“I love her.” Peter told Warren, voice sure and steady.
Warren scoffed, shaking his head, “You’ve got a really funny way of showing it.” He seethed, pushing past Peter, shoulder bumping his a little less than gently as he walked toward the door.
“I’m gonna get her back.” Peter stated confidently, watching as Warren merely glanced over his shoulder, their eyes meeting in an intense stare.
“You can try.”
#peter maximoff#peter maximof x reader#warren worthington iii#warren worthington iii x reader#even peters x reader#ben hardy x reader#dangerous game#x-men#x-men x reader#marvel#mcu x reader
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To Swing...
I have thought about writing this topic several times over the past couple of weeks. It seems to be an ever evolving and changing topic within Luke's and my relationship. Our feelings seem to differ from one day to the next. I think I will write this in two separate posts. So how about let's back up and let me tell you how the topic came up in the first place.
The very first night Luke and I met in person was hands down the absolute best date I have ever been on. We live about 60 miles apart so we had planned to meet on a Saturday night after a prior commitment of mine ended. I knew that it was expected to be over and I should be home roughly around 8ish. Luke drove up to my little town and we talked on the phone the whole drive. He actually beat me to the restaurant so he was standing there waiting as I pulled into the parking lot.
"My God, you're tall!" I laughed as I stood, getting out of the car. Of course, he had met me at the car and opened the door for me before I even turned the car off. His dating profile had told me his height but seeing it in person was still a shock.
Have you ever seen a picture of someone but then when you met them in person, they didn't look the same? Maybe they were younger in the picture. Maybe they had different hair. Or glasses. Or the angle just didn't capture their essence. Maybe they looked worse than their photo. Maybe they looked better. You get my point.
That's what I was currently facing. If I hadn't been talking to Luke as I drove up, I wouldn't have recognized him just going off of photos alone. Don't get me wrong, his pictures were cute and showed a good looking enough guy. But, in person? Damn. Luke may not be traditionally "handsome" but to me? He is incredibly good looking! I still look at him and think "How did I get so lucky?" But I digress. Back to the swinging.
After dinner, neither of us were ready for our night to end. "What do you want to do now?" He asked.
"In this town? Not much." I laughed. "I would invite you back to my place but there would have to be some stipulations agreed upon."
"Oh? What are those?" He eyed me carefully.
"I am NOT going to have sex with you." I already knew that I really liked him just from our previous messages and phone conversations. But meeting him and talking during dinner reinforced that fact. I knew I didn't want sex to complicate or confuse those feelings. I was still recovering from a long failed relationship, after all.
We talked and he agreed so we went back to my place. We sat up till 2 A.M. just talking. Have you ever just had an amazing conversation with someone and next thing you know 5 hours has passed? That's how this night went. We talked about anything and everything. No holds barred. Childhood traumas, previous relationships, previous sexual exploits, family, etc. Nothing was off limits.
If you've read my previous blog posts, I've mentioned that Luke has a very colorful sexual history. There isn't much he hasn't done or won't do. In his previous marriage, they started as swingers then moved to polyamory. That caught my attention and not for the reason you're probably thinking. No, I wasn't afraid that I wouldn't be enough for him. I was actually enticed by the idea that he could possibly be open to swing again.
"Is that something that you would want to try again?" I asked.
In my previous marriage, I had been unhappy on and off for years for various reasons that I won't go into now. At one time, I had tried to talk my ex into polyamory. I thought I wanted a girlfriend. Why? Because, in my opinion, everything about a relationship and sex with a girl is different than it is with a man. Not better, not worse. Just different. Sometimes I crave that feminine touch. (Now, I realize that I don't really want a relationship with a female. Just sex.)
There have also been times in the past when I have been sexually attracted to someone but unable to act upon it because I was in a relationship. I said as much to Luke. Just the idea that he could be open minded enough to discuss the possibility with me was astounding.
He said, "I'm not saying that I would agree to let you sleep with him. But if you were sexually attracted to someone, we could discuss it and see. It would depend upon a lot of things. Whether the person in question were trustworthy and would understand it was a one and done. Whether we are in a good place in our relationship. Because if a relationship isn't strong then swinging and/or polyamory is a bad idea."
Wow. Fast forward a few months. It had been a terrific night. We had spent the day together and had ended up at the local Japanese restaurant. Luke had tried to covertly place his hand between my thighs while the chef was putting on a show and throwing rice. Hibachi was a favorite of mine but it was my first time actually watching the show. (Side note: If you haven't been, I suggest you give it a try. It's a lot of fun no matter your age.) Needless to say, I was full of amazing food and a lot of laughs but couldn't wait to get home to fuck my boyfriend.
I was flying on nothing but happiness as we went to exit the restaurant. As we approached, the exit door opened and the finest specimen of mucular male police officer stood before me. (I TOTALLY have a thing for men in uniform. Fugly? Slap them in some BDU's and I'd probably fuck that.)
The officer stood back and held the door open for us. "How are you doing tonight?" Ah, and he had a sexy voice to match.
My panties were thoroughly dampened at this point and I was feeling pretty bold. I looked him down then back up and said "Fine and yourself?" in the sultriest voice I could manage. Luke gripped my hand and smiled as we made our way on out to the car. He definitely took notice.
"Baby, were you eye fucking that guy?" He asked leaning over and rubbing my pussy thru my jeans.
"Oh...So you noticed that?" I said coyly. "Maybe."
"Of course I noticed. Your voice was dripping with sex. Want me to go back in and ask for his number for you?" Still continuing to tease me as best he could thru the denim.
"Have you lost your mind?! NO!!" I said, stupified. Then, brazenly asked, "you would do that?" I could tell he wasn't offended or upset or I wouldn't have asked. And I wasn't asking because I wanted him to. I was asking because it shocked the hell out of me.
"Of course. If it's something you wanted. Cops, in my experience, are pretty wild in bed. You probably would have enjoyed him." Ah, my darling Luke and his straight forward, sometimes clinical, approach to things. Typical Virgo. I assured him that there was no need for him to go talk to the cop so we began to make our way home.
"Ok, so purely hypotetical question. Say I get pulled over. If the officer seemed interested, would you have a problem with me trading sexual favors to get me out of a ticket?" I asked, honestly curious.
"If it's something you discussed with me first, then no. I wouldn't mind. But we have to have completely open communication. Now, with that being said, you better be careful propositioning an officer!"
The rest of this conversation isn't really relevant to what I'm trying to explain. Only the fact that he again said he would be ok with me fucking someone else under the correct guidelines. This conversation was when I really started to believe that he may actually be that openminded.
To tell you the next tidbit, I need to tell you about Destiny. When Luke first told me about Destiny, I was threatened. They texted regularly. They had also met on a dating site and had been on a couple of dates before agreeing that they needed to stay friends. On one of these dates, they had made out and he had fingered her. And she is SO pretty. I mean...dayum. Curly black hair. A fierce independent personality. Bisexual. Loves sex and refuses to be tied down to one person. Destiny is the complete package of every single man's dream.
The day we went to the adult toy store, see previous blog post, Luke had sent Destiny a text telling her about our purchases. She text back telling him that she had recently ordered a spreader bar on Amazon and that she needed a willing participant to test it out on. He told me, of course, and I laughed it off at the time.
I had given it a lot of thought and had decided that I was going to ask Luke to introduce me to Destiny. I just wasn't sure how to broach the subject and explain exactly what I wanted. I don't remember exactly what made me decide to talk to Luke about it this particular night but I decided to go for it. I just remember that Destiny had came up in conversation. He was telling me about a conversation they had earlier that day.
"Baby, would you mind if I flirted with your friend?" Ok, not the most tactful way to ask but hey, I was in uncharted territory here.
"Uhh...what?" He looked completely lost.
"Well, you remember the comment Destiny made about the spreader bar? Would you mind if I sent her a message and flirted a bit." I asked again. I was so nervous I couldn't make eye contact.
"Oh! I don't mind. Here I'll unlock my phone for you." So he did and handed it to me. He appeared still slightly puzzled but had a knowing smile on his face.
I took a selfie and sent it to her with the caption of "A spreader bar, huh?"
While waiting for a reply, Luke asked "What are you hoping to accomplish with this?"
"I haven't thought that far ahead. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I want to be ok with you talking to Destiny. I know you guys are just friends. But I don't think I will ever actually be ok with it until I meet her and get to know her." Ok, perhaps a small fib. I had seen pictures and knew enough about Destiny to know that I could probably get in her pants or us have a threesome pretty easily. Since she and Luke were friends and he trusted her, I figured he would be ok with it.
Turns out, I was right. On both counts. The longer the texting went, I knew that eventually we would hang out and probably fuck.
So Luke and I discussed it and at length. While not opposed to the idea of swinging, Luke does have some insecurities because of how his conniving bitch of an ex-wife acted while they were swinging. So it was time I told him exactly what I was thinking and how I was feeling.
"Luke, to be honest, I really want to be with a girl again. I could never be in a relationship with a female because I am in the closet where my family is concerned. But I really really want that feminine touch." Yeah...my family is a long story for another time. "I can say with certainty that I would never leave you for another female because I know that that isn't in the cards for me." I really feel like he believes me on the female front. We have discussed it at length so many times at this point.
As of the time I am originally writing this post, Destiny and I have hung out once but I was WAY too tired after a hell of a day to do anything. Our work schedules are completely opposite and we have each had family obligations. We still talk occasionally but I feel like we have all but given up on each other.
Luke and I have created a profile on a swinger site but listed that we are only looking for a female. I mean, the guy can watch but I only want to play with his wife. As of yet, nothing has happened. More on that in the next post. Stay tuned...
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MASSIVE CW ABOUT SU*CIDE
I have a friend of 6 years. I love her dearly to pieces. she helped me through my high school depression saved me from committing suicide. because of covid i came back to my childhood town, and i was going to leave back to my city in may but something happened. recently she came to me saying she was suicidal. this broke my heart but i began to try my best to help, i called her everyday, tried to make her laugh, made her food, made sure she was drinking water, i hung out with her a few times & i began to see the light in her eyes a little bit. every time we hung out i would go home & cry because i have a deep rooted fear of death related to my ptsd so i was freaking out in the inside i was trying to be strong for her. trying to be her light but behind closed doors i was broken because these aren’t things i could magically fix for her. a week later we plan a picnic on a very emotional anniversary of mine to help me cope but it was a way of me making sure she ate too. point being is that i was already emotional the day, i know in no way was this an excuse but she started talking about how she felt. i panicked i had a full blown panic attack thinking about her dead. she asked me what was wrong & i blew up. i was holding her hand begging her to fight this, begging her to get therapy (she said she doesn’t like that it’s in person i said it doesn’t matter she needs to try) it all came out of my mouth, i regretted it as soon as it came out. i said that if she doesn’t want to fight for herself she could fight for me. i would miss her too much, i’m fighting for her. if she were to i will never forgive her. i told her if she was a ghost she would see how much it would affect me and the many people who love her so dearly . i told her the day she dies i die too a part of me does, i said weren’t you the one who said you’d tell me that i’m beautiful to the day we die & that’s not any time soon? i said i didnt mind taking care of her i would do anything to help and i’m trying my best to help but i can’t pretend i’m okay. i held her hand so tightly and said i was trying to push strength into her. i told her she needed to tell me when she got to that low point because i would come running to her door, i told her i don’t care i’ll listen to everything thats on her mind. i begged her to tell me what she wanted and she said everything i’m doing was more than enough. she proceeds to tell me im the only one who knows. i hugged her and kissed her and left home. she tells me everything i give her aka love and attention is everything she doesn’t want she just wants to be alone. i profusely apologized about my breakdown and said i was being selfish and dismissive and self centered. i just thought maybe if she knew my side she’d want to fight extra hard or something? my friend said that it’s things people need to hear that they’re not alone. so i haven’t talked to her in a month. in the past month i have experienced the worst pain of my life so far i have gone to hell and i have not came back. i’m so angry at myself, my body is a wreck i haven’t taken my meds as a self punishment ive lost 7 pounds because i haven’t ate becaus i throw everything up. i’m so guilty and i feel so selfish even though 7 people (including one who lost a brother to suicide) agree with me that i didnt do anything inherently awful. i don’t know why she expected me to be cool with this. to fold my hands and be like sure how ahead of course not! her and i have always been so involved in each other’s problems so it was expected i wouldn’t take it so easy that’s how ive always been so hand on with helping and providing support. i feel like in that moment i know i wasnt providing support. i had one job one job only to listen and even then i fucked up. i know it sounds like i managed go turn a situation to be about me i’m angry too. been a month ,i messaged her apologizing begging her to say something anything i’ll do anything to make it up to her i promised i would never flip out again. nothing. am i fucked? what should i do next? what woukd you do in my situation. thank you sm
Hey there Rose,
It sounds like you did everything you could for your friend from the very beginning. You went out of your way to help support her and continued to do so for as long as you possibly could!
It’s so hard when we are helping to support a friend through suicidal thoughts/ impulses, it can be so very draining on us and even if we are in a good headspace ourselves at the time. It must also have been triggering for you at times with your past struggles with suicide. I know that you probably felt like you had to really help support your friend as she had for you throughout high school but it’s so important to remember that we as friends can only do so much and even though she was there for you in your time of need, you don’t owe her anything. I know that this may seem harsh but it’s the truth. She was there for you as she was in a place in her life where she felt like she could help to support you. With this being said though, because you are supporting your friend it’s so important that you look after yourself too, that you don’t let her life and struggles with suicide consume you and become the center of your world. I know how easy it is to let this happen too, I’ve done it myself, and hence why I know how important self-care is.
I know that you are upset with yourself for ‘blowing up’ at your friend when you had that picnic with her but it sounds like things just got too much for you and that things were building up inside of you until you exploded, like a volcano. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you did your very best to hold on for as long as you did and I’m sure your friend was really appreciative of you for that. Going home and feeling so upset and worried for her though is not helpful or healthy at all for you. You need to have other enjoyments in life, other things that you can focus on other than your friend if that makes sense? And I think that this is partly why you reacted as you did when you were at that picnic with your friend, you just couldn’t handle things anymore which is quite understandable I think given how much stress and pressure you were under at the time.
Given everything that happened, I do not think you have messed up at all and that you should give yourself a bit of a break! We are only human after all and like all humans we can only deal with and cope with so much until it all becomes overwhelming and explodes up in our face. Does that makes sense? And I know, I know how much easier it is to say this when you’re on the outside looking in, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a loving, caring, beautiful person and yes, it hurts that you haven’t heard from your friend for such a long period of time, but maybe this is just what she needs right now?
For example, maybe it’s given her the push she needed to get some professional help and start therapy? Maybe it’s taught her to stand a bit more on her own two feet or helped her to realise that in life it isn’t healthy to just depend on one person when you are struggling so much and so it’s best to surround yourself with a group of people so they can all help you together, share helpful ideas, support one another, things like that. There’s also the possibility that she feels really bad and guilty for all she has put you through and she feels like she needs to give you a break and some time off from the stress and all the pressure that was thrust upon you.
I do not think it is fair on you that she has cut contact and hasn’t replied to you at all but it’s important to know that this is her issue not yours. You have not done anything wrong and only did the very best you could have done given the situation, but please know that you can only help someone so much and sometimes it’s up to the other person (your friend) to let you in and to help themselves a bit too.
So given your situation that you are currently in, I don’t think that there is much you can do right now. I know how hard it is to just sit in limbo with everything but what else can you do until your friend decides on what she needs and contacts you when she’s ready to. So maybe in the meantime be extra kind to yourself, look after you, do some things that you love and enjoy doing and more importantly reach out to people yourself when/ if you feel the need to!
I really do hope that this has helped a bit and please do keep us updated if you want and let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!
I’m thinking of you and hope that you’re going well!
Take care,
Lauren
#mha-lauren#advice#advice blog#mental health advice#rose#suicidal friend#supporting a friend#picnic#looking after oneself#reaching out for help
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Memories Ignite || SEBTONY
Tony hummed under his breath while his fingers strummed with ease over the chords of his guitar, trying to make sure it was perfectly tuned. Not that playing at that bar was exactly doing it at the Madison Square Garden, but to him a much smaller crowd meant they would be able to hear whatever tiny mistake he would make, and he didn't want that. Especially not that night. The night when Sebastian was suppose to come to hear him play.
Not that he was absolutely sure the other would show up. There was no commitment to it, only a few spoken words. But he felt it was only fair to invite him, since he had been polite enough to invite him to his art show gallery. He would had been lying if he said the fact of seeing Sebastian again was making him tickle in the pit of his stomach, but he chugged it all down to the simple fact that they hadn't really talked all that much since they met again recently, and he definitely didn't want to suck, not that night.
“Tony! You're up in five, man!" a voice told him from the other side of the door of his small dressing room, and that snapped him back up. "Coming" he simply replied and took the chance to give himself a final check in the mirror. Light brown pants, a pastel tones floral shirt completed with a dark blue vest on top, and black boots. Casual. He ran his fingers through his hair. always messy as it was, then he threw his guitar behind his back and walked out of the dressing room.
Sebastian walked into the bar, hands in his pockets as he looked around. He wasn't normally an awkward person - a bar by himself wasn't exactly out of the ordinary. Normally he'd easily strike up a conversation with a cute guy, offer to buy them a drink and see where the night took them... well, he used to, at least. He was sure he'd still be able to do it with ease, he knew he was charming in all the right ways, he simply had no interest in it any more. So now he stood, unsure what to do with himself.
He supposed a drink was still easy so he took himself up to the bar and ordered the house beer, sitting down at a table with two chairs which had a good view of the stage he assumed Tony would be performing on. He was early but the bar had some nice vibes going. It was neither too loud nor too quiet and it was an easy atmosphere to just blend into the scenery as he waited.
When Tony walked out onto the stage area, Sebastian swallowed. Why did he always look so good. In five years he certainly hadn't got any less attractive... if anything, he was somehow more attractive. Part of him felt guilty for thinking that. He had a boyfriend, after all but it wasn't wrong to appreciate the physical attractiveness of other people, right? Besides, Ritchie and him had only been together for just over six months so maybe... maybe he just hadn't fully settled into that idea yet. Something like that.
@rockcreeksmythe
A light round of applause welcomed Tony onto the stage, and he smiled and waved at what part of the crowd he could see with the spotlight focused on him like it was. "Hey, everyone. So glad you could join us tonight. I hope you all get to enjoy it." He tried to make it if he could spot Sebastian amonsgt the sitting people at the tables but there was little he could actually see, so there wasn't much for him to do but to focus on his set. And he did just that. As his friend played the initial chords on the piano, he closed his eyes and let his fingers strum over the strings of his guitar, the tune of a light folk tune soon echoing around the room. His first piece would be an instrumental one, the second and onward he had planned to sing, of course if the crowd agreed with him doing that.
Sebastian had heard Tony play the guitar before of course, five years ago while they sat beside the lake at moonlight. Sebastian had been sketching and Tony playing the guitar. But still, he hardly remembered what it had sounded like, the memories from the camp fond but distant. So sitting here, listening and being reminded of the other man's skills on the guitar was a welcome throwback. He applauded loudly, along with the crowd, at the end of the first piece but he hadn't been quite as prepared for Tony to sing. He knew he was going to - the other had invited him with the promise of hearing him sing. But back at camp, it had just been the sounds of the guitar breaking the otherwise silent night but now, of course, Tony had to one up that and be a great singer too. Of course.
Truth be told, Tony always found himself in his happy place whenever he got the chance to sing. He nejoyed playing the guitar, he loved his little store and was happy with his life in general, but there was something about singing that did it for him. And having the chance to show the audience that fact that night made him extra happy, especially knowing Sebastian was out there, sitting in the crowd, listening. There was a slight warm th in the back of his stomah when he thought of that, of him being there. Even if there was the small chance that he wasn't which would had been completely normal. He was sure the man hadhis hands full with his art exhibits, and of course, with his boyfriend.
As his set came to an end and the lights fully went back up, he immediately spotted Sebastian sitting by the bar and his face light up. After taking a couple of bows he jumped off the stage and walked up to where the other was. "Hey! You actually made it" he said, still unable to wipe the smile off his face. "I didn't think you- I mean.. I know you're busy, so thanks." He hopped on the stool next to Sebastian and signaled the waiter. "Give whatever he's having and serve him another one. So... What'd you think?"
Sebastian couldn't help but return the grin on Tony's face, it almost feeling infectious. "Of course - I said I would and I wanted to see you sing." He was about to protest when Tony ordered him another drink but stopped himself. It's not like he wanted to leave any time soon, so another beer was a perfect excuse. "You're really good," he said, downing the last of the beer he had been nursing before Tony had finished so he could be ready for the next one. "Though," he looked over at Tony with a laugh and winked at him, "something tells me you already know how good you are. You should record something... sell it at your shop."
Tony raised his bottle. "Thanks, man" he said, then chuckled. "I suppose I did at some point, otherwise I wouldn't risk public shame, you know." He laughed heartedly, then shrugged. "Nah... I'm not really interested in that, man. I'm happy just playing whenever I can, and people come to hear me, and then move on with their day, and with mine." He looked at the stage and shook his head. "I'm happy with the way my life is right now. Although who knows, right? Never say never, and all that..." He looked back at him and smiled. "I thought your boyfriend was coming too."
"Uhh," Sebastian shrugged, looking down at the bottle in his hands, "to be honest, I didn't even tell him I was coming." He looked up at the other man, "he had a show tonight - he's in a musical, I can't remember if I ever said - so he wouldn't have been able to come anyway." And that was the truth. Ritchie worked most evenings and it wasn't like they always told each other where they were going. They'd only been dating six months and Sebastian wasn't sure how serious it was - he liked Ritchie, sure, but he wasn't rushing to move in with other man, or move their relationship forward. "Is it weird I came alone?"
Tony's smile went bigger. "Ah... Sneaking up, aren't we?" he said with a chuckle, then shook his head. "Sorry, couldn't help it." He took another swing at his beer and nodded as he put it down. "Yeah, well.. If he got busy what else could you do about it, right?" He tilted his head. "It's not weird, unless you make it weird" he said, then leaned a bit closer. "Besides, I kinda like the idea of finally having your full attention." He shrugged, then also looked down. "I mean, we met again after all these years, and I feel we haven't really had the time to.. you know, reconnect and all that. There has always been... something." He bit his lip down a bit as he looked up at him to see his reaction.
Sebastian looked at Tony, surprised the other man actually said it. He couldn't exactly deny Tony's words because he knew they both knew it was true. They'd only known each other for two weeks, five years ago, and yet there had been something then and there was still something now. Sebastian had enjoyed his fair share of one night stands, hook ups and friends with benefits over the years but they'd always just been fun. There had never felt like anything more. And Ritchie was only his second actual boyfriend in the past five years since he had seen Tony, the other only lasting for about eight months. And still... he was drawn to Tony. "Honestly, Tony," he finally said with a sigh - not one of annoyance, but one of admittance almost, "if I hadn't been in the middle of the biggest exhibition of my career, you would have had my full attention the other night." The fact that both of their partners had been there the other night went unsaid because it didn't change the statement. Ritchie had been his date and yet Tony... Tony was the one he had wished he could have seen more of that night. "So I'm glad it's just us too."
Tony's face lit up with a huge smile. "Are you kidding me? That was your big night, man. You had to have your head in the game, or things would've gone south." He licked his lips slightly. "But... it's nice to think that would had been an option. I mean, I wouldn't have minded it at all-" He swallowed hard when he felt that tug in his stomach, that weird pull that was starting to make him hot under the collar. Only later he would thought about it and say he hadn't felt that way... in five years. "Yeah... I'm glad too" he said at first, then one of the group who had just performed with him called him up to pick his guitar, that they needed the stage for the next act. "Shit, hang on. Be right back-" he said as he stood up, then turned around and looked at him, a hint of a smile in his eyes. "If you want you can come and see my dressing room. You know, see how a wannabe musician dressing room looks like." He chuckled, then made a motion with his head.
Sebastian nodded, downing his beer in one swift movement. "Nothing wannabe about it," he said, standing up to follow Tony - first to the stage so the other man could collect his guitar, "they always say if you make art you're an artist and you make music so," he shrugged, "you're a musician." He waited while Tony took his guitar from the stage, following him down the hallway near the stage, which no doubt lead to the dressing room. As they entered the dressing room, the three members from the band that were playing next were just finishing up, one of them clapping Tony on the shoulder on their way out, "nice set, man. Good song choices." As they were filtering out of the room, Sebastian looked around, "so this is where the before stage magic happens?"
Tony looked at him with a raise brow. "Oh, I'm nowhere near that artistic vein of yours, man. But thanks for saying that." He grabbed his guitar and led the way through a long, sort of narrow hallway that took them to the back side of the club, where a series of doors were. He pushed the door open to one of those and greeted the group of people there as they were on his way out to perform. "Thanks, man" he told the one who had praised his choice of songs, then he closed the door and made a geture with his hand. "Yeah, this is it. The magic is shared, as you can see, not much room really to be, but cool enough for me to chill, before and after a gig." He took his jacket off, the white tank he was wearing underneath it marking the curves on his chest from his tight it was. He leaned against the desk and looked at him. "So? What'd you think?"
Sebastian's eyes flitted down when Tony removed his jacket, and then he groaned, shaking his head, "what do I think? I think you should be fucking illegal, Tony... I swear to god, this," he gestured at the other man, "isn't fair." He leaned back against the desk just next to Tony, brushing his arm slightly as he did. "You were good. Really. Honestly, it's stupid, we barely know each other and yet..." he turned to look at him, "you owning a record shop, performing in popular local bars and making all the girls swoon is almost exactly how I pictured you."
Tony felt a soft warmth climbing up his neck when he told him that, the way he was looking at him also giving tickles on the back of his stomach. In a single second his mind flew back to those days, five years ago, and the feeling was exactly the same. "I feel like I should apologize for that, but- nah" he said with a soft chuckle. He looked at him and smiled. "Hm... I didn't know you thought that way about me back then- To be honest, I kinda felt jealous about all those handsome French boys you would be swooning with your gorgeous self and inspriring art. It made me wish we had taken advantge of our time at the camp more than we actually did."
Sebastian snorted, "French boys? Please, I make the boys and girls swoon... I just disappoint the girls when they find out I'm gay. And to be fair, we probably would have been caught and very sensationally kicked out if we had screwed around more... we weren't exactly anywhere hard to find. We were just lucky it was a thunderstorm." He remembered the night well... far too well, really. He didn't like to dwell on one night stands or hook-ups, for they were fleeting and gone in a moment (as he wanted them to be) but with Tony he had never managed to quite shake the memory of that night. Though he supposed he hadn't really tried either. He turned his head to the side, realising now how close they were, especially with Tony looking at him. And then it was almost like it happened both in super speed and slow motion and honestly, he wasn't sure which one of them moved in first but he didn't matter. Because all of a sudden the gap between them had closed, their lips crashing against one another. Sebastian moved so he was in front of Tony, standing in between his lips, but had no other sensible thoughts going through his mind.
Tony chuckled. "I just mean because you went back to France at some point after that there would be some swooning. And yes, all those poor girls' heart you left broken on your way..." He laughed softly and ran his fingers through his hair, his teeth gnawing on his lower lip. "Yeah... A thunderstorm" he said, and they were lucky indeed it swallowed all the sounds they made inside that shower room. And the way it felt when Sebastian was inside of him was something he had never felt again, although if he had been honest he hadn't been with another guy since Sebastian. Only girls, until he met Cleopatra and that was it. There was a sudden moment when there was silence, and the sound of their breathing could be heard inside the walls of that small room. How it happened, who initiated it neither knew then, but within a second their bodies were pressed together again, their lips taking claim of one another again with the same hunger.
He grabbed the lapels of Sebastian's jacket and pulled him closer, his tongue parting the man's lips and sinking in, sucking all that sweet taste that only then he realized he had actually missed. He hooked his leg around the other waist and pushed himself up to sit on the counter, their moans and groans muffling the sound of the door opening behind them.
Sebastian groaned, his body pushed closer to Tony when the other man hooked his leg around him. His hands found their way to Tony's body, one hand sliding beneath the thin fabric of the (should be illegal) tank top and he was nearly lost in the moment. That was - of course - until he heard a thud and then a quiet "fuck" which startled both men out of their haze. He turned and saw one of the members from the band from earlier looking apologetic, "sorry. I was trying not to interrupt... uhh. Just forgot my water. Our set goes for 30 minutes but until then... please continue." He winked at them and then ducked out the room as quick as he had arrived. Sebastian turned to Tony (and oh god he looked about as wrecked as Sebastian felt), the interruption making what they had just been doing sink in, "I should... I should go."
Tony groaned when he felt Sebastian's groin pressed between his legs, and his own body was responding to that eagerly, when all the sudden the voice at Sebastian's back made both men startle, and they pulled away from one another in a hurry. He simply raised a hand at the man who was leaving the room, all while trying to catch his breath back. His face was flustered, and his hair a mop of mess. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, then sighed and made a slight nod with his head. "Yeah, I- I'm sorry about that..." he said quietly.
Sebastian shook his head, "don't be... it's not ... it wasn't just you, Tony. I'm sorry too. I-" He paused. He what? Found it hard to control himself around the other man? Felt this pull to him that he had never quite felt before which was ridiculous in itself. That wasn't how life or attraction worked, was it? He had never felt like he didn't have control over it before. Or was it that he didn't want to leave? That part was true, at least. "I'll see you around," he said, almost reluctantly and finally stepped back from the way their bodies had been pressed together. He stood there for another few beats before relenting and walking towards the door. He turned back to Tony, his hand on the door handle, "you were really good tonight. Thanks for inviting me." He gave him a small smile before ducking out of the room, needing to get out of the bar before he changed his mind and made good use of that 30 minutes they may have had.
Tony looked up and right into Sebastian's eyes, that brief moment of hesitation making his heart do a small flip inside his chest. What was that? But just as soon as it came, it was gone, and Sebastian was stepping back. One steps. Then two. The distance between them seemed to him a lot bigger than it actually was. "Don't go..." almost fell off his lips, but he knew he shouldn't do that. Plus, it was now obvious Sebastian wanted to leave as well. "Sure. No problem" was what came out instead in response to the other's words, then he took a deep breath after the door was closed behind him and turned around to look at his own reflection in the mirror. "What the hell are you doing...?"
END SCENE.
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Fire meets fate
A/N: Oh Hi. This is a rewrite, I have a sample of a fic with the same name. Not to proud of it.
Pairing: Tom Holland x Fem! Reader
Word Count: 2,379
Warning: Slow build up, light smut, Angst. I think that’s it.
Summary: Y/n worked for Tom, after things started to get heated things turn sour. A year later while out with friends he sees him and things start to again turn bad.
She let her body slightly move to the rhythm of the thumping music, the taste of sweet liquor clung to her lips. Y/n’s eyes roamed over the sea of sweaty bodies that occupied the club, one of the things she loved to do was watch the interactions and differences of the people who were intoxicated to the ones who were looking for a quick fuck. A loud shrill of girly voices broke her from the trance that she was in, she looked at the bodies that were connected to the voices and put on her best smile. “You always do this Y/n, how come you never want to just let loose and dance.” Y/n laughed at her group of friends as she took a sip of her beer. “You guys know exactly why. I’m fine, remember I am here to make sure you ladies don’t embarrass yourselves.” She teased giving the group a wink. The female knew that they would leave it alone, they knew it wasn’t smart to keep pushing her. Y/n gave them a smile, but that soon dropped when a pair of familiar brown eyes caught her attention, those damn eyes. Tom Holland. The man that kept her on edge, in the most deliciously horrible way. He had her wrapped around his finger and he knew it. She coughed shaking her head and excusing herself from the group and rushed into the bathroom and locking it behind her. Walking to the bathroom counter she gripped the marble and sighed trying to catch her breath, seeing him here wouldn’t have been a shock if she had known that he was going to be back in Los Angeles.
THE YEAR BEFORE:
Y/n started working for a company becoming an assistant it wasn’t ideal, it was a job that would help her towards her career as a journalist.
“Y/n, this is Harrison Osterfield and Tom Holland.” A male voice said distracting the female from the paper work she was working on. See even though she had a temp job of becoming a “co-assistant” she still had confidential papers to sign and read through. Y/n looked up and smiled at her boss and the other men standing next to him. The male that she came to know as Harrison extended his hand out to her, the action made her instantly smile, she did appreciate when someone was polite enough to use a proper greeting than a short wave; taking his hand she gave her most professional smile. “Y/n Y/l/n, but I’m pretty sure Gary told you already. It’s very nice to meet you both.” She spoke as her handshake with the blonde ended while the other male, she figured was Tom just gave her a nod and a wave. “Well, I leave you in the trusted hands of my best employee. I will meet you guys tonight at the party?” Gary said snapping his fingers and pointing them at the trio, before leaving. Y/n laughed softly and shook her head at his words. “So, Gary was telling me that you needed a co-assistant?” She said sitting on the couch watching the two males. “Uh, yeah I usually am Tom’s assistant but I have recently started to venture out on my own so I won’t be able to be around as much as I used to; I just figured I could use some help.” Harrison spoke sitting across from the female. “Understandable, is there any specific things I should know about allergies or phobias?” Y/n said keeping a polite smile as she took out a binder of things from note paper to small pieces of information about her two new clients. They seemed to talk for about an hour, with Harrison doing most of the talking. As they were leaving she said she would meet them at the party as she had a few more things to do before.
-10:00pm 2 hours into the house party-
Y/n sat a drink in hand as she listened to her boss talk aimlessly, she got very lucky to work with someone as sweet as Gary. Her attention then switched over to her clients Harrison had been chatting up a female since he arrived, Tom however sat next to her. As he drank his beer the actor started to lossen up, Tom turned to look at her and smiled letting out a small chuckle. “Is Gary always this animated?” She smiled taking a sip of her drink. “Usually, but when he has gets over is when he really shines.” Y/n laughed.
That’s when things started to kick off, it started off with glances then soon turned into conversations and playful banter; but 3 months into her being his assistant things became more and more intense. Playful banter turned into shameless flirting that soon ignited into something bigger. It wasn’t supposed to happen Y/n was supposed to being doing a job, not doing the client. They had both started to have casual sex, agreeing with each other that no feelings were to be involved. Towards the end of her temporary assistant job she knew she needed to cut it off, not because her employment was ending but because feelings were getting in the way. So here she was standing outside his hotel room trying to figure out what she was going to say, as she was about to knock the door swung open revealing a female wearing a revealing outfit, Y/n already knew who she was the female was the hairstylist intern. The female smirked and licked her lips before walking out, not far behind was a smirking shirtless Tom marked with cherry red lipstick. His smirk turned into a shocked expression and then he quickly threw on a t-shirt that lay on the floor. “Uh, Y/n what- um what are you doing here? I thought you had the day off.” He spoke nervously. Y/n held back her tears, she feared that this would happen. “I came to check on you but turns out you are doing just fine.” She swallowed thickly. “Anyway I won’t sugar coat it, but what happened between us the last few months has been a mistake. I was also here to talk to you about my job coming to a close, but I will talked to Gary and made sure that you are all taken care of for the rest of your trip we have also already talked to Harrison and he is willing to finish up. It was a pleasure working for you Mr. Holland.” After she finished speaking Tom went to open his mouth to talk to which Y/n held up her hand. “Goodbye Tom.” Was the last words she spoke to him, and continued to ignore him as he called out her name.
Present Time:
Y/n tried to breathe, she stared at herself in the mirror trying to hold herself together. ‘Why are you getting so worked up? It was a year ago, you weren’t dating and you went there to break it off. So why does it hurt to see him.’ A knock on the door snapped Y/n away from her thoughts. “Um, just a minute.” She said clearing her throat. Upon opening the door she was pushed back into the room her back now pressed against the door, causing her to panic for a second before looking up to come face to face with the person she was trying to avoid. “Tom you were about to get punched in the face.” She spoke breathless. The comment made Tom smile placed his hands against the wall on either side of her head. “I have to talk to you about that day.” He spoke softly his breath was a mix of mint and beer, it was intoxicating it was making her mind fuzzy; or maybe that was the alcohol in her system. “Tom, its fine. We had an arrangement, and that doesn’t involve you having to explain yourself to me.” She spoke biting her lip. “We both know that’s a lie Y/n, there is something more. Something intense, it scares the hell out of me and I know it scares you too.” He whispered his perfectly crocked nose bumping mine, his lips brushing teasingly against mine. “Tom. It started out as something for fun, something to let loose. It never involved commitment. It’s started to become something that neither of us could control, a fire that is was raging out of control and in one way or another someone was bound to get burned.” She whispered my eyes closed shut. “And that person was unfortunately me. If you had felt that way you could’ve said something instead of burying your cock into someone else’s pussy. Which she let me know it had been going on for a while before I found out.” Tom pulled back to look at her, his eyebrows furrowed. “That part is not true, that was the first time and we didn’t even have sex. She came to introduce herself and before I knew it her lips were on mine and I couldn’t help myself. I knew your job was coming to an end and panicked.” He said frustration evident in his voice. “You don’t think I was panicking. I stood outside your hotel room trying to figure out what to say, I originally went there to tell you that we needed to stop because I wasn’t going to be around anymore. But when I saw her with you, it all changed it felt as if my heart was torn from my chest. But when I panicked my thought wasn’t to hook-up with some stranger.” She said attempting to push him away from her. But his firm hands took hold of hers only to pin them above her head, his lips trailing from Y/n’s temple to her jaw. No words were needed, they both knew what was about to happen. Even though she hated him, she also knew that she wasn’t strong enough to resist. Tom brought his eyes level with hers, a smug smirk on his lips as he crashed them against her pink ones it was a dance they both knew, as lips molding together. Fingers laced together like puzzle pieces, this was different than other times they had done this time they didn’t rush; every move seemed to be calculated. They both knew that there was no turning back now.
Their lips pulled apart just so we could breathe, he let her hands go tapping her bum and Y/n knew exactly what he meant so she lifted up her dress revealing that she hadn’t worn any underwear. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, she shrugged. “You could see the lines through my dress.” Tom shook his head before picking her up and setting her on the bathroom counter after he had locked the door. Leaning back on her hands she watched him intently as Tom pulled himself out of his trousers and used one hand to rub the tip of his cock against her already wet entrance while the other was placed close to her own hand that was settled on the marble counter. “Please Tommy.” She whimpered softly. She looked up to see that he had a smug grin on his face, she wanted to make a witty remark to speed up the process; but never got the chance because instead of words a loud moan escaped Y/n’s lips as he had slammed into her without warning. He exhaled sharply as he resisted the urge to move his hips before letting her adjust, considering it had been a year since they last slept together. The delicious stretch made her head fall backward as whimpers continued to fall out of her mouth. “Move Tom.” She spoke breathless. He didn’t have to be told twice, he started to thrust aiming his hips just right to hit that specific spot that made her legs feel like jelly. That was one of her favorite things about sleeping with Tom, he didn’t have to be told how hard, fast or what needed to be done; he just knew. He knew her body, just like she knew his. Her eyes closed then re-opened only to see that Tom’s brown eyes were already focused on her face, it was very different to the usual look he would give her. There was something much deeper, something that seemed to be eating at him. Before she could think more about his odd behavior, he picked up his pace pulling her closer to him so he was buried to the hilt. Her eyes closed instantly more moans coming out of her lips as she gripped his shoulders. After a minute his movements stopped suddenly, she looked at him confused he’s never stopped in the middle of them having sex. “What’s wrong Tom?” Tom looked at Y/n intensely. Something was off about him, everything felt different like something changed in him or maybe it was her. The words that fell from his lips shocked her and would change everything. “I love you. You aren’t just a quick fling to me. I meant what I said earlier, there is something between us that can’t be explained. Its fate we both know it.” It took a few seconds for her to wrap her head around the situation. She pushed him away from her whimpering at the loss of contact. It was like his words broke a spell, she stood up pulling down her dress and slapped him. “No you don’t get to say that. You don’t get fuck some girl, let a year pass, no phone call and expect to have sex with me and tell me that you love me. No I won’t be fooled by it Tom. This was a complete mistake. If you loved me you shouldn’t have let me leave. If you claim us being together is fate then it wouldn’t have ended the way it did.” She growled her eyes clenched. “I’m done being played, I fell in love with you while having a fling. But my biggest regret was falling for you in the first place.” She said opening her eyes not caring if tears were running down her face. “Goodbye Tom.” Y/n spoke before walking out on him.
#tom holland#tom holland fanfiction#tom holland imagine#tom holland smut#tom holland x reader#peter parker#peter parker smut#peter parker x reader#peter parker imagine#tom holland fanfic#tom holland angst
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Karma, or bollocks?
I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.
I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.
It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.
In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'
I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.
So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.
I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.
About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.
When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.
With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.
A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.
Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.
This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.
Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.
2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.
Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.
Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.
We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.
Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.
In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.
In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.
Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.
After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.
In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.
A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.
My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.
She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.
I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.
Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.
Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.
In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.
Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.
Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.
We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.
In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.
I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.
Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.
But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.
Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.
I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.
She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.
Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.
Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.
But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.
Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.
I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.
But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.
Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.
So is this karma, or is it bollocks.
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2020 Art Summary
Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.
I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!
I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.
Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.
One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!
Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).
Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.
A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.
At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling.
They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.
Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.
There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.
As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.
Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.
My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it.
The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.
University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.
My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.
This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.
I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.
Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!
The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.
I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.
I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.
Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.
It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.
#my art stuff#art summary#this is always a joy to do every year and i'm glad to keep up the tradition for the sixth year in a row#this year was super good for this as well just to look back on what i was actually able to accomplish#long post#tome#hazbin hotel
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