The Bachelor Season 23- The Women

So here’s my breakdown of every woman on the Bachelor this season (even the ones who went home night one) mostly just for my own expression, because no one else probably cares. They’ll be judged in the order in which they came out of the limos.

Demi- 23 years old, an interior designer. She’s from Texas, and she’s cute. She doesn’t seem quite mature enough for an engagement, but hey, my mom was 21 when she got married, so who knows? Her mom is in prison for embezzlement, which is... interesting. At least she’s not dodging that truth I guess. Her opening line for Colton is TMI and a little concerning, “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was twelve but I’m ready to give it another shot.” TWELVE??? Honey, I hope you didn’t date another guy after the age of 12 for multiple years. I don’t want to think about the implications of that statement otherwise. She takes Colton aside first at the cocktail party. She says she’s outdoorsy and has a pretty good conversation with Colton. People don’t seem crazy about her, but I think Colton likes her. She’ll probably last a while.

Tayshia- 28 years old, a phlebotomist (I had to google this, it’s someone in the medical field, kind of like a nurse, whose job is to draw blood for testing or donation). She’s from California, and she’s one of the most beautiful women in the whole world. Colton takes notice of this, and says, “Wow. She is GORGEOUS.” as she walks away after she gets out of the limo and they have a short interaction with some nice conversation. She makes a mini date in Tayshialand with carnival-like games for their one-on-one time, and they spend their time giggling and generally seeming to have fun. She’s beautiful and sweet and I think I saw her in some clips from the sneak peek, so I think she’ll make it fairly far into the competition, my guess is at least top 10.

Heather- 22 years old, no job listed. Well, technically her occupation is listed as “Never Been Kissed” which is not a job. Now, I don’t mind that she hasn’t had her first kiss at 22, that’s fine and not as weird as some people think it is. But, if you’ve never even kissed anyone, you can’t have been in a very serious relationship before, which signals to me that maybe you’re not ready to get married, and the Bachelor isn’t exactly a show void of kissing. And I wouldn’t want my first kiss to be with a guy who was kissing five other girls that night. But, you do you. Heather is from California. She seems a little flaky, but overall she appears to be a sweet girl and she’s pretty, so she’ll make it the first few weeks and then be eliminated by my guess.

Nicole- 25 years old, a social media coordinator. Very pretty, from Miami. She’s Cuban and woos Colton by speaking Spanish when she comes out of the limo. I really like Nicole. She comments in an interview that she thinks it’s distasteful that so many women are bringing up Colton’s virginity right off the bat like it’s something so huge to talk about. She’s a little nervous throughout the night because she doesn’t get a ton of time with Colton, but he gives her a rose and she gets the biggest smile on her face. I think she’ll last a few weeks, and then we’ll see. It’s hard to tell when I didn’t see much of their time together.

Caelynn- 23 years old, and she’s a pageant queen. She’s Miss North Carolina 2018 and was the runner-up for Miss America. Needless to say, she’s quite gorgeous, but plot twist- we later find out that she’s only lived in North Carolina for a year! She lived in Virginia like her whole life before that. This is totally unrelated to the Bachelor, but I feel like that shouldn’t be allowed. Did she move to NC just to win the pageant? I don’t get it. Regardless of her home, she seems like a nice person with a lot of good qualities. She connects with Colton during in their later conversation, and I really liked her entrance, where she wore a Miss North Carolina sash that she turned around to say Miss Underwood (it should say Mrs. but I’ll let it slide cause it was cute). She’s Colton’s first kiss of the season, and he’s the one who goes in for it. According to Chris Harrison, she and Colton are gonna get deep later in the season and she’s gonna bring about some important revelations for herself and Colton, so I’m very intrigued. It also seems hinted at that there might be a little bit of a past and some future drama between her and another contestant, Miss Alabama, from the pageant world. Yike. Anyway, she was the first rose other than the first impression rose, which is a good sign, so I think Caelynn will be around for quite a while, and will get a one-on-one date early on. 

Sydney- 27 years old, an NBA dancer. She’s from New York (she danced for the Knicks, y’all) and she’s beautiful. Apparently she gave up her job to come on the Bachelor (don’t they all? but I guess maybe this was a more permanent thing? My cousin was an NBA dancer and you’re pretty much done in your late 20′s so I guess maybe it was her last year? idk man). I really like Sydney, she seems super sweet. She has a string quartet during their one-on-one time and teaches Colton how to waltz. It’s cute and they share some laughs. Sydney doesn’t seem into any drama throughout the night, so I applaud her for that. I’d say she’ll last a few weeks, and probably get a one-on-one date at some point.

Elyse- 31 years old, a makeup artist. She’s from Alaska (interesting!) and she’s very pretty (what else is new?). She’s the only redhead on the show, and I love redheads so there’s that. But (I don’t want people to hate me for this but I gotta be honest y’all) I personally think she’s a little old for Colton. Not so much because I think a 5-year age difference is bad but because I don’t think it’s right for Colton, who fits better with someone closer to his own age since he’s still quite young. Her entrance isn’t much, she’s very nervous. But I still like her a lot. Her one-on-one time with Colton involves fishing in the pool, but for a hunk of salmon from like the supermarket, which is weird, but I like her anyway. She’ll last another week or two, and then I hope to see her on Paradise, where she belongs and will thrive!

Tahzjuan- 25 years old, some sort of business consultant. She’s pretty and she’s from Colorado like Colton! She makes a pun about her name but her entrance is nothing special. She’s super judgmental of all the other girls during all her interviews, and I am not here for it. Not a fan. Her time with Colton is cut super short by Interrupty McStealer (we’ll get to her...), which is unfortunate for her, but she was not nice about the other women, and I am not about women who tear down other women for petty reasons (like their outfits and Bachelor entrances...ugh). Anyway, she doesn’t get a rose, and I was okay with it. Other people were pretty broken up about it, but I’ve made my opinion clear. She was pissed she got kicked off and said she thought every other girl should go home before her... I’ll leave that open for interpretation. 

Cassie- 23 years old, a speech pathologist and grad student. She’s gorgeous, a natural beauty, and she’s from California. She’s totally my favorite, and she and Colton just seem like a really good match. She comes out of the limo with a cute little box full of fake butterflies and says she’s nervous and has all these butterflies, so she and Colton dump them out to get rid of them. It’s sweet and cute, and they’re very smiley, and as she’s walking away, he thoughtfully picks up a butterfly and tucks it into a pocket inside his suit jacket, with a cute little smile on his face. It was so adorable. Cassie waits patiently to talk to Colton, and during their conversation at the cocktail party, he seems to love that she’s a speech pathologist and works with kids to make a difference, and she teaches him some sign language. She teaches him the signs for “you’re cute” “rose” and “kiss”. (It kinda seems like Colton is gonna kiss her at this point but he doesn’t.) In the middle of their conversation, we see Colton smiling at her and then the show cuts to an interview of him saying that he is “smitten” with some of the women already, and then it cuts right back to him laughing with Cassie... we love. Cassie gets a rose, and I really think she’s a frontrunner. I’d love it if she won the whole thing, but I definitely think she’s at least a top four contender. 

Kirpa- 26 years old, a dental hygienist. She’s absolutely beautiful, and she is from California. She seems like a lovely girl with a really nice family (she’s one of the few people we saw an intro package for), but we just don’t see a ton of her this episode. I think I’m really going to like her later, she seems pretty genuine. My only moment of doubt came in her intro when she said she wanted to clean Colton’s teeth... maybe that’s like a romantic thing in the dental world, but to us normal people it’s just weird. Oh well. Kirpa got a rose, and I’m looking forward to getting to know a bit more about her. I’m not quite sure yet how far she’ll make it.

Caitlyn- 25 years old, a realtor. She’s pretty and she’s from Ontario, but I’m not a huge fan. She came out with a balloon cherry and popped it, and I’m just so sick of everyone making such a huge deal out of Colton’s virginity. He didn’t seem to love it as she walked away, but I could be persuaded to come around. Colton seemed to at least warm up to her in the short time they had, though she was also interrupted by the Usurper General. She tells the other girls about how she only got like a minute with him before he was stolen, but it doesn’t seem gossipy, just like she’s disappointed. And I’m on her side here. I actually think I don’t hate her, I just need people to let the virgin thing go. Anyway, she gets a rose later despite limited time, so I think Colton likes her, so she’ll probably hang around for a few weeks.

Courtney- 23 years old, a caterer. She’s very pretty, and she’s from Georgia. She makes a cliche and, honestly, distasteful, joke about him tasting a Georgia peach for the first time, another virginity joke, so I wasn’t loving her at first. She spends a lot of the night talking about girls stealing Colton’s time when she hasn’t spoken to him yet, but doesn’t really make an effort to go get him and talk to him, so I wasn’t loving it. She also made some uppity comments during the rose ceremony about how “if a girl in a sloth costume gets picked over me, I’m gonna be pissed.” (that was the gist, not sure of the exact wording.) Anyway, she does get a rose, so she shuts up, but I’m not loving Courtney. I don’t think she’ll be around super long, maybe a few weeks. Not winner or Bachelorette material.

Katie- 26 years old, a medical sales rep. She’s very pretty and is from the east coast, but moved to California to dance (but her job isn’t a dancer- I don’t quite get this). She does a “card trick” where she takes Colton’s V-Card (have I mentioned how much I hate these incessant jokes?), which I wasn’t a huge fan of, but her intro package was pretty good, even if it was like 95% her working out at a gym for... some reason. However, she had a really great conversation with Colton at the cocktail party about family and values, and she is the second woman he kisses that night. They both say they have a really good feeling about this, which is promising. Colton gives her the second rose at the rose ceremony, and I think she’ll be around for a while, and I think she’ll be one of his first one-on-one dates this season. I have a feeling she won’t win, but she’s one of the only contestants old enough to be a contender for the bachelorette, and she’d be great on BIP.

Alex D- 23 years old, a sloth. Of course, she’s not a real sloth and I’m sure that’s not her actual job (though I don’t what is), but she does come in a sloth costume, talking about how Colton likes to take things slow. I admire the women on this show who wear costumes, it’s brave. Anyway, she’s from Boston, and eventually the costume comes off when she talks to Colton at the cocktail party, but not before she hangs from a tree branch in the yard of the mansion. Once the suit is off, Alex is actually very cute and she is a very fast talker. She named the sloth Susette. Alex seems sweet and cute and she came as a sloth and honestly I have no idea why Colton doesn’t give her a rose. But he doesn’t. BIP? Please?

Onyeka- 24 years old, an IT risk consultant (I don’t know what that is but I’m dumb about computers and it sounds important and obviously techy so she’s probably pretty smart). She’s beautiful and from Texas, and Colton has trouble pronouncing her full name, even though it’s not that hard. Anyway, she’s pretty nice, but she’s drama. She takes charge and interrupts the Usurper for time with Colton, with the iconic line, “I heard you were drowning in bitches!” Which is dope, but she also confronts the Usurper one-on-one and is a little rude, but I mean, she’s not wrong about Catherine being inconsiderate and awful, but she lives for the gossip and drama, and will be going after anybody who missteps in any way (there’s always one of these on the Bachelor- the protector against those who “aren’t here for the right reasons”- can’t wait for Onyeka to break out that classic). She’ll stay for a while. Definitely gonna have a two-on-one with Catherine around week five or six, as per usual, and she’ll come out of part one, but I don’t know her well enough to judge how far she’ll make it after that. Paradise guarantee.

Erika- 25 years old, a recruiter. She’s gorgeous, and she’s from California. Her last name is McNutt, so she gives him a bag of nuts in her entrance, which Colton loves. She has to remind him of her name later, but that’s understandable seeing as she’s one of twenty beautiful blonde women he met in the span of about an hour. I’d probably trip up a few times too. She’s one of the first people to talk to him, and brings out the real questions right away, and they talk about why he’s a virgin. She’s impressed by his wanting to keep it special and respects his decision. They have a really nice conversation, actually, and she gets a rose at the end of the night. She’s got potential to make it for a while, but I don’t know enough to tell yet. She won’t win or anything, but could be a contender for Bachelorette if she makes it far enough, or BIP.

Hannah B- 23 years old, Miss Alabama 2018. Hannah B is probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, and she is, obviously, from Alabama. She’s also very real and genuine and incredibly sweet. I really love Hannah B so far. She and Colton just talk a little after she steps out of the limo, and they exchange “Roll Tide’s”. She gets a little worried throughout the night because she hasn’t talked to Colton yet, and just seems to be waiting it out to talk to him, but then she takes initiative and talks to him and it goes extremely well They talk about fears and vulnerability and insecurity and make a promise to always have real and deep talks, and they do a cute little handshake about it. They seem to have a truly genuine connection, and I love her and them. Definitely a frontrunner with a lot of potential. I predict she’ll be in the top four. If she were a little older, I’d predict that she would be a top contender for the Bachelorette, but the youngest Bachelorette to date was 25, so I’m not sure they’ll go that young.

Tracy- 31 years old, a wardrobe stylist from LA. I find this career ironic, as her dress was not something I would ever advise that someone wear (it was like a sequin skirt and a cutoff wife beater tank with no bra- I just didn’t get it, especially for someone who works in fashion, but you do you, I guess). She came in a cop car and called herself the fashion police. Again, I think 31 is a little old for Colton. Anyway, she steals Colton from the Usurper to color shoes and only gets him for like a minute before she steals him right back. She gets a rose at the end of the night. I think she’ll be gone next week, they don’t have much of a connection.

Angelique- 28 years old, a marketing salesperson. They have a short and not super meaningful conversation when she gets out of the limo, but she seems nice enough. She spends a few moments of the evening simply stating things that are obvious and going on on camera in interviews. We don’t hear her conversation with Colton, so it couldn’t have been that great. She’ll probably last another week or two. 

Devin- 23 years old, a broadcast journalist. She and Colton have a sweet but uneventful conversation during her entrance, and we see very little of her throughout the night, and we don’t see any further conversation between her and Colton. She does not receive a rose. She is devastated by this and cries a lot as the girls who got roses celebrate in the background. She’ll be on the women tell all and have lots of opinions despite having been there for less than 12 hours, and then we’ll never see her again. I am not broken up about it.

Revian- 24 years old, a nurse. She’s beautiful and tells Colton he’s a stud muffin (a phrase that should never be uttered out loud) in Mandarin. We see a tiny glimpse of her with Colton later but we don’t hear any of it. She does not get a rose.

Nina- 30 years old, a sales account manager. She’s blonde and beautiful and typical Bachelor gal material, but she gives no indication of being a real competitor this season. She speaks Croatian to Colton when she exits the limo and we don’t see much else from Nina. She gets a rose, but she’ll probably go home in a week, two tops.

Alex B- 29 years old, a dog rescuer. She’s pretty but looks like a little like a wax statue, just very non-emotive and seems fake personality-wise. Anyway, she says she’s sick and uses cue cards to communicate, like in Love Actually, but then she goes into the mansion and talks to the other girls (hoarsely, but she couldn’t talk to Colton for a minute?) and then Colton later. Apparently he got her a cup of tea from the producers which is super sweet, and because he’s Colton, he absolutely loves that she runs a dog rescue. This alone will take her through the competition for a few weeks, and then we’ll see.

Bri- 24 years old, a model. She’s pretty and here’s the best part- she’s actually from LA but faked an Australian accent to stand out. This is hilarious and the internet loves it and so do I. Anyway, Bri doesn’t really talk to Colton much that we see, but there’s a deleted scene where she tells him she’s not actually Australian, and he thought it was pretty funny, so I guess he likes her well enough. She gets a rose. She’ll hang around for a bit, two or three weeks would be my guess. Could definitely be an option for Paradise.

Laura- 26 years old, an accountant. Honestly, Laura is boring. I’m sure she’s lovely for like, a real person, but she wasn’t made for reality TV. The most significant thing about Laura in the whole episode is that she wears the same dress as Heather. She does not receive a rose.

Hannah G- 23 years old, a content creator. This Hannah is also from Alabama, and she’s also beautiful and great. It’s a good season for Hannah’s. Colton compliments her dress and she gives him an empty gift box, saying she got him his favorite brand of underwear (if you haven’t heard, it’s been made known that Colton prefers not to wear underwear). He loves the gift, and seems impressed by her. They connect extremely well when they talk later during the cocktail party. They talk and smile and when they both say they’re still a little nervous, Colton takes her hands and takes three deep, calming breaths like he always does with his mom, and they smile at each other like there’s some beautiful secret between them. Later in the night, he gives her the first impression rose. He says that she reminds him of home and makes him feel so comfortable and that she’s so easy to talk to. These are all Bachelor cliches, but they all mean the same thing: Hannah’s a frontrunner, right off the bat. He kisses her after giving her the rose, and says in an interview that he didn’t want to stop kissing her. They have good chemistry and she is equally as excited about him as he is about her. She’ll make it to the top four at least, but I can’t tell much beyond that now.

Annie- 23 years old, a financial associate. She’s very pretty and they talk a little about football, and we later see a small glimpse of a conversation of theirs, nothing to gawk at yet. But we’ll see where things go, because she does get a rose.

Jane- 26, a social worker. She’s beautiful and loves dogs, but it’s a little weird that she brings along a photoshopped and framed picture of hers and Colton’s dogs playing together. We don’t see much else from Jane all night, and she does not receive a rose.

Catherine- 26, a DJ, and a certified Bitch (this is not listed on the show, this is just the whole world’s opinion). A bachelor villain if I’ve ever known one. She’s from Ft. Lauderdale and she calls her dog her daughter, which I find very concerning. She looks like she’s had 8 rounds of plastic surgery in the last week, and she broke an unspoken Bachelor premiere rule: she did not wear an evening gown, but rather a very short red cocktail dress with long bell sleeves (it was actually a cute dress, but it’s supposed to be like floor length night one, everyone knows that). She literally GIVES COLTON HER DOG. Like really. For the duration of her time on the show, Colton will be taking care of her dog. She doesn’t really ask, she just says that’s his job now so like... okay. Anyway, she looks like a younger-ish version of Jennifer Coolidge, but Jennifer Coolidge is a fierce and wonderful woman and Catherine is just a self-obsessed and arrogant girl looking for attention. So, Catherine is the woman I’ve referenced before. She is the Usurper, Interrupty McStealer, You-Know-Who, whatever you want to call her. And here’s why: She steals Colton for conversations FOUR times. FOUR. Because she claims they haven’t had enough time. CATHERINE. YOU HAVE HAD MORE TIME THAN ANYONE ELSE HERE GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND GO AWAY. So, she keeps stealing him, and Onyeka confronts her about it and she gets defensive and judgy, and very fakely says she gets where she’s coming from. During this talk, she also utters the quote, “If you don’t have haters, you’re not doing something right.” I have so many questions. At this point, she’s stolen Colton 3 times. Moments after this conversation, she goes and steals Colton again. I can’t. She spends a lot of interview time criticizing the other women, and is 100% confident that she’s the best one there and that she’ll be getting a rose, even when there’s only one rose left and she hasn’t been called yet. Colton gives her a rose because the producers told him to (we all know this, don’t lie to yourselves), so she’ll stick around for some drama and inevitably go on a two-on-one with Onyeka, the Knight in Shining Right Reasons, and be sent home for being generally awful sometime around week 6. She’s evil. I know with every fiber of my being that she will be on Bachelor in Paradise.

Erin- 28 years old, her job is listed as Cinderella. She’s not like an actress at Disney World, she just comes in a beautiful horse drawn carriage and wears a stunning light blue dress. Erin is beautiful, and says she is looking for her Prince Charming, and leaves behind a shoe with Colton. It’s really cute, and we see them talking a bit later in the night, but despite her cute Disney references and the fact that I actually really like her, Erin does not receive a rose. Maybe I’ll see her again in paradise, but there’s only so much room on that Mexican beach.

Well, that’s all 30 women and all of my 30 opinions. Thanks to the zero people that will read this for letting me judge reality TV stars. To be clear: All these women are people with dignity and deserve to be treated with respect, this judgment is only a matter of who is good for Colton and who is good for TV. Except Catherine. She’s a straight-up bitch. Some people just aren’t nice, and she’s one of them. At least she loves her dog.

Colton, choose well. I hope it’s Cassie, but as of now, I’d be okay with either of the Hannah’s as well. Maybe I’m wrong about all this but I am obsessed with this show (can’t you tell) and it does have a bit of a pattern.