#This actually happens so often....i cant even lie to you
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Big fckn redesigns here. Well mostly Charlie but Vaggie somewhat too 🥰🥰
Blue fits Charlie soooo much and I cease to see that many redesigns with this color. I still want red to be used in most of their designs because well. They are in hell, but not too present so to make way for other unique colors. Charlie has several physical traits from her parents but also she has some details in her clothes that match with them. When I uhh, introduce their designs you'll see lmao. I also tried to make her have a more roundish design, I jst LOVE those typ of designs omg. I just want the characters with not too many sharp corners pls Viv bro... 😔 oh yeah she's mixed cuz her mom's are darker in their redesigns. Alot of their genetics went down to Charlie so she doesn't look like an exact copy of Lucifer, I kind of hate that trend with hh and hb characters, like did the moxxies dad give birth to him bro 😭 also I kept her bow because it looks so cute and silly on her it just fits, I wish they made it bigger in her show design because it would fit her silliness so much. She has a cape with stars because morningSTAR smh why didnt they do something fun with that, missed potential but whatevs yknow I still love og designs no matter what anyone sayss. Did you know I love Charlie, I could ramble for days. I think I love Charlie guys. Maybe jst a hunch idk... also... s-snake fangs.. jeepers anddd..... snake tongue.... shiver me timberz
The wife ever. I had animation in mind more when I designed her, not like in a "How easy or hard would this be to animate" way. But I like to imagine when she's shocked her hair kind of fluffs out plus her actual fluff, when she's mad her bow turns into kind of horns and then her jacket expands like wings. Gave her a more hotel like outfit, she likes to work for fun (ew). Her socks are socks but she has some fluff under them she just tries to cover it up because she hates herself 🤪 (she doesn't hate her bigger body she actually feels much more comfortable chubby than when she was skinny with Adam. She was burdened with the weight of Adam's image of women... In this sorta rewrite she gained weight when she goes to the hotel because she's more happy. I'm dying I love chub Vaggie so much guys please) headcanon: she kind of likes fashion, it's like a fun hobby of hers to stitch together clothing and go out and buy clothes she'll never wear. She taught Charlie how to stitch and she SUCKS so you can jst see it on Charlie's pants.
Second outfits! Charlie's hotel uniform for. Well. Hotel stuff. She usually only wears it when new people come to the hotel, which.... isn't often, if at all. She still likes to keep it just in case. Also she goes really cartoonish when it happens, she does the looney tunes run and changes into her clothes in like 2 seconds. Can you see my vision? 😭😭
Vaggie's is in her armor. She has several pairs of armor lying around in the hotel in completely hidden spots. It's kind of surprising uhh. Yeah she wears it alot more than Charlie wears her alt uniform but still rare to find her in it. I don't get the whole thing with the exterminators and them not being able to fight according to Carmilla. Which is kinda stupid, I'm not gonna lie. So, instead of that, Vaggie has just let her guard down and has gotten much more comfortable in her surroundings so she feels like she doesn't need to fight anymore, she's just gotten rusty 's what I'm sayin. I have no idea how to draw armor. You can tell...
Extra below cut vvvv
BABY CHARLIE!!! With the heads of my redesigns for Luci, Eve, and Lillith. Haha you still cant see them. Uhh, ill definitely finish the thing one day. Its not even that big of a project thing, i think i jst keep going to other drawings so im like not focusing on one thing lmao. Lucifer has heterochromia because he was cursed to forever be reminded of his betrayal. I only explained that because Charlie has it too, it's kind of a curse on the entire blood line where at least one eye is red. This is like. Slightly older Charlie than the baby Charlie in show? I jst wanted to put her in overalls cuz omg that's jst so cute ughhh 😭😭
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel charlie#hazbin hotel vaggie#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin hotel eve#hazbin hotel lillith#chaggie#varlie#rainbowmoth#charlie x vaggie#vaggie x charlie#ill get to the other........ one day#art#fanart#artists on tumblr#digital art#charlie morningstar#vaggie#i hate her name. its now Valerie. or was it Valarie. i dont remember. uh. hi#i totally forgot abt my human au ILL ANSWER QUESTIONS SOON YOU GUYS I JST HAVE ALOT IN MIND RIGHT NOWW#lillith morningstar#lucifer morningstar#eve morningstar#WHY AM I SO HAPPY THATS A TAG. ITS LITERALLY CANON THEY WERE PRT MUCH POLY. I JST LOVE THE FACT ITS ACCEPTED 😭😭#hazbin hotel chaggie#hazbin chaggie#lucifers stolen wives#could that be the ship name for those three. or if someone comes up with a better one 😭🙏 im ass at ship names#baby charlie#also every morningstar member has a curse of some kind. sooo ill explain in the other post thatll come out in 2069 /j
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the conspiratorial thinking on tiktok is out of control ngl and i guess the blame is ultimately on the US propaganda machine because it's so easy to learn that communism is not "just like nazism" and feel betrayed and confused because you've been lied to your whole life and then immediately go and eat up a different set of lies that are specifically catered to your current distrust of any and all authority, rather than doing the hard work of educating yourself which involves scary things like reading "books" and critical thinking. instead just go nope the academic presses and fucking wikipedia are all controlled by Jewish Capitalists and only this random person on tiktok knows the Truth
#its giving a rehash of the early 20th century birth of fascism#when mystical and pseudoscientific ideas flowed freely between people of all kinds of political identifications#i cant lie.#the thing thats so insane is info abt cia conspiracies is like freely available often from the cia itself#so you really dont...need to start making shit up?#we have been talking a lot about like. the addictive superiority of feeling like you're the only one who knows something people don't know#you see it across the political spectrum#i think it's very bonding of a group and very intoxicating and hard to walk away from#like when ppl in the antivaxx movement who should've been distraught if what they were saying was true#were actually like. very smug and wanting it to happen#because either you're hte big smart guy who knew all the secrets the sheeple couldn't figure out#or you're even more of a hookwinked idiot being led by even bigger donkeys#and you probably gave money and pushed away friends etc etc for it
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𝐚𝐭𝐳𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦'𝐬 𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐳 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 .ᐟ
all works of writing/summaries are not owned by me, and all credits go to the respective writers! this list will be updated periodically with stories i have read ♡ i thought that as a writer myself who consumes talented stories on this site, it would be good for me to show you all a fraction of what i read myself tehe (i read majority poly!teez/mc so that category will be filled!!) ☆
— note: 90% of these fics will contain mature themes, since it's all i read! please read the specific author's notes before reading!
❤︎ - personal favorites
ᴍᴜʟᴛɪ
— ❤︎ mists of celeste (??/reader, several pairings) by @hongism
genre: scifi/space au, pirate au, space pirate!ateez, angst, smut, fluff
summary: sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you.
notes: as an atiny on tumblr.com, i feel like it's a rite of passage to read moc. it's one of the best written works i have had the privilege of reading. it's gripping, it's heartbreaking, it's filled with yearning and love, and has you hoping that the characters survive this ordeal. san i love you most you can tell by the masterlist alone that she has crafted a whole space pirate universe intricately and with the utmost care. she deals with the trauma of the characters so so well and i cant lie ive cried a lot reading it jdhdksjddj, it's the fic that made me start reading ateez ff, i mean, i started reading before even knowing ateez and i had to have a separate tab open to remember who was who. that alone can tell you how much of a work of art this is. omg, im blabbering, but please read this.
— hotel california (ot8/reader) by @mint-yooxgi
genre: yandere, demon!au
summary: checking in to a hotel ran by yandere!Ateez, the boys decide she can no longer leave
my notes: im not too sure how i came across this work, i think it was an endless scroll of me trying to find something to read, but nevertheless, this story. i have not finished it yet (a great and utter pity) but from what ive read so far. im actually very concerned on how much ive read of this in one night 😨, i think the plot is so so unique, i love a strong mc who does not take any shit whatsoever, i love gaslighting demon!ateez 🙂↕️. i had to stare at the wall several times while reading,, felt like jim in the office truly. UGH it's just so good??? i can't recommend enough!! PLEASE READ.
— ❤︎ the answer (ot8?/reader, side pairings) by @berryunho
genre: cult au, thriller
summary: life is great until your best friend goes missing your senior year of university, leaving little more than an apology and goodbye. Months later, you’re determined to find out what happened to him and discover a situation much more complicated than you would have ever anticipated - as in - Kim Hongjoong doesn’t like the word ‘cult.’ He prefers 'sect.'
my notes: i first discovered this fic on ao3 and somehow found out lauren had a tumblr blog but i digress – i found this one night and was so excited that i found something so so unique and different and i am pretty sure i didn't sleep until 4am reading everything omg . it's truly so funny and i adore the main character more than anything, the snide remarks truly encompass and make you feel their emotions? cult leader hongjoong is something else... without spoiling hfjdjf. i beg lauren often for a spoiler because it's just that good. please read.
— OUTLAW (ot8/reader, side pairings) by @staytinyville
genre: wild west!au, smut(?), angst
summary: you thought you would be spending the rest of your life tending to the hotel your family ran. while you knew it was common to see bandits come and go in your town, you felt safe in your home. at least safe enough with a weapon at your disposal. however you were no match for eight men who were known to most as outlaws around the plains. hawt kind of adventures did they go on?
my notes: i started reading this a while back and have yet to finish, but so far the premise is so so so interesting and i love readying cowboy aus rjkfjkdrfkj ITS SO GOOD!!!! I CANT WAIT TO CATCH UP
— sway with me (ot8/reader, wooyoung/reader) by @luvt0kki
genre: sci-fi/space/futuristic!au
summary: former noble turned space pirate, wooyoung was now part of one of the most revered and hunted group of pirates of the galaxy. sure he’s only known them for six months but there’s only so much you could do in a ship when you travel from one planet to the next. the ship was their home, his home…and the members of this crew were friends that he felt he was fated to meet.
my notes: tokki already knows all of this but,,, i started this a month or so ago? and i read the first chapter and i legit lost my mind,,, in the calmest way possible... the first chapter is gripping and it sets a environment that i very much would love to live in??? it's just so so well written, and the reader is very much my type NDFAKKJ ANYWAY... it's told from the pov of wooyoung and i love it??? so MUCH?? please read ok bye
— one more rep (woosan x reader) by @cheollipop
genre: smut, f2l, trainers woosan
summary: san got a little too excited watching you exercise in purple – his favourite colour – and wooyoung was nothing if not a tease. turning their attention back to you, they didn't expect to see you equally worked-up.
my notes: ???? i actually read this a few times,,,, this fic yall.... i cannot... the mental image of woosan in the gym makes me delusional enoughdsjkaskfjksd PLEASE.
— like a dream (yungi x reader) by cheollipop
genre: bf!yungi, smut
summary: with only the orange hues of the lamp illuminating the room, they have you for the first time, and it feels just like a dream.
my notes: yunho and mingi are my weakness,, so the both of them together.....
sᴇᴏɴɢʜᴡᴀ
to be added!
ʜᴏɴɢᴊᴏᴏɴɢ
— horizon by @pxedpiper (ft. ateez/f.reader)
genre: pirate!au
summary: once a princess of a kingdom you loathed to call yours, you have somehow found yourself aboard a pirate ship, stuck on the ocean waves. now you try to figure out how to escape them, but as you continue to journey with them, you find yourself wondering if you even want to.
my notes: i just found this the other day but remembering reading it a while ago! it's so so well written and i enjoyed it sm 🥹
ʏᴜɴʜᴏ
to be added!
ʏᴇᴏsᴀɴɢ
to be added!
sᴀɴ
to be added!
ᴍɪɴɢɪ
— safe haven (mingi/reader) by @atxxzist
genre: bodyguard!au, fluff
summary: your father has had enough of your shit, and hires Song Mingi; his best friend's son, to be your personal bodyguard
my notes: is it possible to fall down the mingi hole deeper than i already have? maybe! this fic pretty much lives in my head,,, endlessly,,,, i love mingi. i love this au so much and i especially love bodyguard aus, i think it's one of my favorite genres and this deepens it.... PLEASE READ.
ᴡᴏᴏʏᴏᴜɴɢ
— rough rider (wooyoung x afab!reader) by @choism
genre: smut
summary: In which you meet a hot twink at a club who has a slightly unhealthy obsession with the 2000's and y2k bimbocore.
my notes: i......... there's no way i can describe this fic... if u yearn for wooyoung the way i do. read this.
— what happened to slow down? (bf!wooyoung x reader) by @ja3hwa
genre: smut
summary: coming back from a house party, you and woo couldn't seem to keep your hands off one another. everything was happening so fast. you two didn't even make it to the bedroom.
my notes: insert a photo of someone throwing a phone and screaming crying, then picking it up to read the rest. thats me kjrfakfajkf
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to be added!
#ateez fanfiction#ateez fanfic#ateez smut#ateez angst#ateez fluff#hongjoong x reader#ateez x reader#seonghwa x reader#yunho x reader#wooyoung x reader#mingi x reader#san x reader#yeosang x reader
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suicide cw
look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am.
ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.
this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.
He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!
you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.
it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions.
what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT.
am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!
yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).
The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.
#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post.#before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly#again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but.#he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin.#its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it#its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people#we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves#so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit#like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it?#yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice.#this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi#gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism#its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt#if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions.#hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him#like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me.#its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it.#for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong#oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this.#james somerton#idk might delete this later its just. ugh...
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could you write a nick x ftm!reader? something like the reader sees a bunch of hate comments about him and nick comforts him? (if not that’s totally ok)
,,My Boy’’
-N.S
Synopsis: You and Nick have been dating for a long time now, and you finally agree to be in one of the boy’s videos. Nick introduces you as his boyfriend, and the viewers find out you are trans. Some don’t respond the best to this, but Nick is there to comfort you.
pairing: bf!nick sturniolo (he/him) X trans ftm!reader (he/him)
warnings: homophobia, transphobia, panic attack, gender dysphoria, body dysphoria, cyber bullying, threats, harassment, homophobic & transphobic slurs (i promise i can say them. id never EVER say a slur i couldnt!!) and i think thats all! please let me know if i missed one <3
requested?: yes!
back to: masterlist
—FIRST PERSON POV—
After Nick constantly asking me if I was positive I don’t want to finally be in one of the triplets videos, I reluctantly agree.
I have been dating nick for around eight months, and we have kept our relationship a ‘secret’, for these past eight months, and i finally agreed to be in a video.
Matt got back into the car, shutting the door behind himself. Nick smiled at me, before speaking up.
“Welcome back, everybody! Today, we have a special guest, my boyfriend, y/n!” Nick boasts. I love how he openly called me his boyfriend, but i was worried. were his fans going to find out?
Sure they would, but would they care? probably. I passed well enough to be called a male in public, but whenever people care enough, like the Sturniolos fanbase, they will look for all my socials, and they’ll know.
A million thoughts ran through my head, but they were all cleared out once I heard Nick call my name again.
“Y/n? babe? you okay?” he asked, shaking my shoulder gently.
“hm? oh- yeah. sorry. i zoned out,” i chuckled a little. “could you repeat the question?” i asked, and nick complied.
The rest of the video went by pretty smoothly, since I was occupied with thinking deeply at all the odd questions Nick was asking us, and laughing at the out of pocket jokes from matt and chris.
We recorded for about an hour more, knowing that more than half of the footage would just be cut out in editing. Matt screeched into the camera, before shutting it off, and handing it to Nick, and starting the car.
Matt drove all of us to the triplets house, since I just stayed there often with them anyways. we walked inside, and Nick and I went up to his room to edit the video.
I caught myself giggling at the stupid jokes and the annoying bickering, but I cant lie, we’re pretty funny.
“this video has to be posted today,” Nick sighed, only a little bit into the editing. “I hate it when they wont film until the ‘night’ of. It’s 2:34 AM, and the video needs to be up by 4:30..” Nick sighed.
He looked over at me, noticing i was growing increasingly more tired.
“get some sleep, baby.” Nick smiled, kissing my forehead. I complied, before crawling into his bed, falling asleep there.
I woke up again, and it just so happened to be 5:00 PM, somehow. I always sleep throughout the whole day, so i wasn’t really surprised.
I yawned, before staying in Nick’s bed, allowing myself to wake up. I checked my phone, which normally has none to five notifications, but this time, i had well over a thousand.
My eyebrows furrowed; and i quickly shot up. I scrolled through the notifs, to see comments on my old instagram and tiktok posts,
“Awe! Nick’s boyfriend is so cute!”
|_ “replying to : @— ‘boyfriend? i thought nick was gay. this is disgusting.’”
“That’s gross. She changed her name and claimed to be a boy. Fucking gross. Grow up.”
|_ “replying to : @— ‘HE is a boy. He always has been, he just realized it, and is now brave enough to show it. let him be.’”
“Thats not even a boy💀”
“Nick could’ve done so much better and actually got himself a big strong MAN.”
“shes so ugly wth.”
“Nick needs to realize that he could do so much better than her. he needs to raise his standards because what the fuck.”
“guys, her name is y/d/n, not y/n!”
Each comment broke my heart. Sure, there were a few sweet ones, supporting nick and i, but the horrible degrading ones outweigh those by a long shot.
I felt my eyes start to water as i scrolled through the comments. I didn’t want to see them, but i couldn’t stop looking.
I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks, as i looked through the comments.
I stopped looking through comments i was tagged in, and began looking through my instagram DM’s. Fuck. These were worse.
“kill yourself you stupid fag.”
“nick doesn’t want you, tranny.”
“kill yourself before i kill you.”
“don’t corrupt nick you disgusting freak.”
“i promise you, nick hates you.”
“why’d he pick you. he could’ve had me😂”
I let out small silent sobs, throwing my phone on the ground. I heard a pair of feet running up the stairs to Nick’s room, before the door flew open.
“shit- what happened? fuck, y/n, whats wrong?” Chris’ eyes widened as he saw the scene in front of him. My phone broken on the floor, and i was sobbing into my knees on Nick’s bed.
I nodded, and chris immediately ran by my side.
“he’s out with Matt- ill call him. im staying here with you until he gets here, okay?” he placed his hand on my back. he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket, calling nick. i didnt understand what he said, because i wasn’t paying attention. i just need nick.
Nick. thats all i want. He’s all i need.
“hey.. please, talk to me.” Chris spoke softly, putting his phone back in his pocket. “what happened, buddy?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing, his hand never leaving my back.
Thats when i realized, i wasn’t wearing my binder. Normally, not wearing my binder at my own house, or even the triplets, doesn’t bother me, but as i read through all those comments, calling me a girl, i couldn’t help but feel disappointed in myself.
I looked down at my chest, and started crying harder. I couldn’t breathe. fuck- i’m having a panic attack.
“n-nick- i- i need n-nick!” i gasped, quickly sitting up.
“hey- hey, it’s okay. Nicks almost here, okay? I need you to take deep breaths, okay?” Chris panicked. I panted, rocking back and fourth on nicks bed.
I knew Chris was trying to help, but i needed Nick.
We heard the door bust open, and nick and matt both ran up the stairs, to me and Chris.
“baby, my baby..” Nick’s eyebrows furrowed, as he rushed to my side. He pulled me into a hug, and looked at chris as he held me. “what happened, chris?” Nick asked, trying to raise his voice, knowing it would make things worse.
“I- i dont know! I heard a bang and crying- so, i ran up here and he was crying! he wouldnt tell me anything, besides he wanted you! i- i didnt know what to do so i called you!” Chris spoke worriedly.
I looked over at matt, his jaw clenched, as he fiddled with his own hands. his eyes glossy. Matt’s dealt with his own panic attacks, and seeing someone he cared about was probably hard for him.
“i- i-m sorry-“ i stuttered out to Matt, who had a worried expression plastered on his face. he didn’t say a word. I cant hurt matt, too.
“huh? baby, what are you sorry for?” nick asked me, pulling back slightly from the hug, to look me in the eyes.
“m-matt-“ i sobbed, and nicks head snapped towards matt, who’s chest was moving rapidly, his eyes wide.
“fuck, chris, get him out of here, please. go sit with him on the couch or something- calm him down. I got y/n,” nick gestured towards matt, and chris immediatly did as he was told.
“shh, baby. i’ve got you. You’re okay.” Nick whispered, pulling me into him. i focused on the heat radiating off of his body, his vanilla scent, and the way his soft hoodie felt on my skin. My sobs slightly subsided, and i could finally think straight again.
“My love.. i love you. so much. do you want to talk about it?” Nick offered, and placed a loving kiss on my forehead, as he brushed my hair out of my face.
“your f-fans.. they called me a girl..” i sniffled, and his gaze sofened, and he looked like he was about to cry.
“you are not a girl. you never have been, and never will be. you’re my boy.” Nick sighed, placing a soft kiss to my lips.
His boy.
I’m his boy.
I WASNT SURE IF THIS WAS A GOOD ENDING OR NOT BUT IDK I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE.
writing the dms and comments BROKE me.
@bernardenjoyer @lovely-calypso
#sturniolo triplets#chris sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#fanfic#christopher sturniolo#fluff#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#angst
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if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful
how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best
I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)
Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.
With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!
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Hi, idk if youve already talked about this or if you even want to but i was curious to know if you were cool with that one artist on twitter that draws in your exact style and character designs? Often times when i see their art i mistake them for you until i click on the account. i just wanted to know if you were okay with stuff like that. People cant own an artstyle i know but everytime i see their art i think its you. Obviously you dont have to answer this i was just genuinely curious and kind of wanted to know your take on stuff like that
When I addressed this exact thing on Twitter, I wasn't expecting anything to really happen, but theeenn... In about a month, I found several artists whose styles looked shockingly like my own. It hit me pretty hard that, with several thousand followers, this was bound to happen, people almost exactly narrowing down my style to even the smallest details.
It's slightly unnerving, not going to lie, but I still can't bring myself to be genuinely disturbed or tell anyone to stop. They're doing exactly what I did with Glen Keane's work, studying someone they look up to in attempts to convey the feelings and messages in their art as I do with mine, so I can't really get upset about it.
But, I can get upset over these artists, not heeding my advice to use several artistic references for their style. Being a good artist isn't finding a single artist you admire and developing your style with theirs piece by piece. You must absorb and translate the entire world. When I said you needed to get out of your own art bubble, I did not mean "just take another artist in your little safe bubble." It's inefficient to developing your own work.
What I recommend these artists to do is: Take a break from studying anyone's style, and study the real world equivalent of what you admire about that persons work. Studying straight from the source will pop you out of that bubble! Not to mention, learning anatomy, backgrounds, or anything from one artist before understanding how to actually break down the world around you is a very poor artistic practice. Learn the rules before you read someone else's guidelines.
#asks#i like to think of the artists who refrence my style heavily like little siblings who i want to teach#buuut i know i need to be more professional than that so i wont hold back#still. if youre struggling with your style or if you look up to my art im absolutely not mad at you#i just also genuinely think you should start with a n y other artist since im still learning all the time
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thinking about your beautiful rosquez fake dating au.... is it a public thing? like are they the motogp royal couple here (INSANE time to be in the paddock lol. and oh GOD the breakup) or is it strictly a performance for their friends/family? (also insane for marc specifically. that man cannot lie to alex ever change my mind) like i cant stop thinking about it...
I was thinking performance for their friends and family but with a couple of things to consider [because I never make my life easy, do I]:
my considerations of this kind of depends of the span of the fic and how long they are pretending before going into the actually dating phase [I think Valentino probably freaks out (mostly because of what Marc said) after that first time they sleep together and then putting it short : he ghosts Marc, Marc confronts him and they start hooking up regularly and then there is another big family thing (maybe Christmas if the fic started in the summer) and Valentino forgot he was supposed to fake break up with Marc at some point and anyway, they figure their shit out, the end] [divorce still happens in 2015, see you in 2024 for the reconciliation]
but in the grand scheme of things, they're only doing this to trick Valentino's mom (and like, all the aunts and uncles and everyone that gets involved after the dinner and the baby shower) (oops, things are getting out of hand, it's fine Valentino, it's fine) so that's the only thing they both have in mind when dealing with the secret
now, who was present at the ranch that summer to hear about this? probably the Academy kids that were all in either Moto2 or Moto3 at the time — do they really have to interact with Valentino's family and eventually lie to them? eh, I'd say it's a possibility, and does Valentino trust those teenagers to lie for him? absolutely not, does he trust them to keep their mouth shut about his relationship with Marc if he sat them down and told them it was important? yes, much more (and like, who would believe them in the paddock anyway, him and Marc together? please)
I think Luca can be the big joker/question mark here, on the one hand Valentino would feel shitty making Luca lie to his mom but on the other end Valentino feels shitty lying to Luca, so, 50/50 on that one for now
which means, that in my mind, Marc doesn't even have to bother about his side of the family, I fully agree with you that that man cannot lie to his brother and honestly, he would probably already spill the bean when his stay at the ranch gets extended and Marc asks him why on the phone
technically, could Valentino's mom talk to Marc's parents and fuck things up? I suppose, if I want to make my life annoying, that it could be a possibility, but I don't think Valentino's mom was in the paddock often so I'm just gonna eliminate that issue for this one universe [and like, could she have their number? also yes maybe in a universe that would be annoying to me]
in the grand scheme of things, Marc is agreeing to this 10% to help Valentino and 90% for personal selfish reasons and because in theory, this doesn't have any real flaw/annoyance for him, right? — do I think that he would have felt comfortable lying to his parents? absolutely not, I do think that would be quite interesting to explore in fic but again, making my life easy here [the whole "Valentino can put on a performance act while Marc is an open book to people who know him" of it all]
Now, to come back to that first option, the first thing that came to mind was a forced to come out scenario, especially if it happens because of leaked photos of them hooking up when having hate sex in say, 2016. Way angstier in the beginning but then it's indeed "what an insane time to be in the paddock" in a good way after they've fixed things.
[admittedly I don't always see how going the "yes we're gay but we're in love" way is better PR management than "our private lives should have never been hindered, that's all we have to stay about the matter" but, you know, fic purposes]
I think it could actually bring quite a different aspect to their dynamic in that scenario because if this is 2016, Valentino is 37 (9 titles and could technically retire with a long well-done career) and Marc is 23 (4 titles, still an immense way to go in his career and so much potential to explore).
Of course the whole thing affects Valentino but he honestly believes he can survive that whatever way and ignore the bad people and focus on keeping the same life, he'll be fine. Marc will say that he's not affected by what people say about him (and only on track things matter) but I don't think it's that easy, especially back then, especially after all the backlash he got post-Sepang, and when he puts his own 2015 anger aside, I think Valentino can recognize that as well.
It's Valentino looking at Marc seating next to him in the Yamaha/Honda (whichever) motorhome, watching the way Marc's knee keep bouncing at lightning speed, the lines of his face harsh, his eyes pointed on a far point on the wall. It's Valentino shutting his brain down and going "Yes, we'll do that, where do we start".
#rpf#4693#marc marquez#valentino rossi#fake dating rosquez#oops I created a second AU at the same time my bad.................#this is a very simplified version of things#(as we've seen way too recently with fabio's insta post there is still a long way too go with homophobia and motoGP)#(but as it always is : beauty of fits universes etc etc)#thank you for the ask sorry for the way too long answer#I go into details way too much sometimes#forced coming out au
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Am I Being Manipulative? A checklist:
(cw: this post is not going to be for everyone. This is a post particularly for people who struggle with projection, self awareness, self esteem, abandonment, delusions of grandeur, and severe rejection sensitivity. This is not a post to demonize symptoms of NPD or any other cluster B personality disorder. This post is to actually provide you with a checklist of what manipulative behaviors look like and how you can manage them if you are someone who struggles to understand the difference. The cruel fact is that projection & manipulation are often signs of extreme childhood trauma & survival. Sometimes the awareness just isn't there to know if & when you are actually causing someone else extreme distress. Id like this to be a post of reference of how you can better cope when these defense mechanisms present themselves. But the other cruel fact is that many, many people have been on the receiving end of manipulative and abusive behaviors, too. And your trauma around this topic is valid. Your feelings of needing accountability and acknowledgement are valid. If that is the case, then reading this post may not be for you. Please read & interact with care.)
You are being manipulative & causing other people harm if you do any of the following:
You consider ways to skew the story to make yourself look better or to make people feel guilty or take pity on you in order to get your needs met, because you're not sure how else to ask & the thought of someone saying "I cant do that for you" is just not an option you can account for
Situations where someone is asking you for clarity, asking you for an apology, or telling you that they are hurt by something you did to them, scares you and triggers a bigger need to avoid and make yourself bigger than them so you can avoid the feeling of being hurt
Every interaction you have with everyone around you feels like you're playing a game of chess in your mind, where the end goal for you is to get your needs met however & in whatever ways you can, even and especially if you feel like this person is going to say "no"
You consider every possible scenario and how you can skew the story to get what you need in every single context, because you need it to happen and if someone were to tell you "i cant do that for you" it would send you into a spiral
You lie & use emotional manipulation to get what you need out of people because you're too scared they're gonna say "no", or judge you, or berate you, etc
You feel like everyone else in the world has so much, while you have nothing, and the way you cope with this is to make those people who have more than you suffer in ways that give you a sense of justice being restored to the world
You feel like you are the only person in the world who is allowed to have anything, even if & when you've never had anything a goddamn day in your life, and it pisses you off when others can't & don't give that to you
You feel naturally disgusted with yourself & with everyone else around you, particularly if they're expressing things that make you feel jealous & left out & resentful because they have it but you don't. So you find ways to tear them down in the process because it makes you feel better about it, like a child lashing out in anger and vengeance
You often find yourself planning ways to get revenge or how to bring people down a notch or two, which is probably reflective of how your parents/abusers treated you.
You are always in competition to be better than everyone else around you, because your childhood made you feel like competition is all that life has to offer.
You throw tantrums or fits when someone tells you "no", going so far as to even threaten death or get physically volatile in the process, because there has never been anyone there to give you this deep need for unconditional love & protection. So any time that need gets threatened or taken away, you do what you can out of pure fear & survival to latch on. This includes threatening suicide if someone were to leave you.
Someone expressing their limits and concerns pisses you off because how else do you get what you need from them? So you either ignore, downplay, or act like you didn't hear them & continue to do it anyway
You often feel like you need to project yourself as having much higher expectations and accomplishments than everyone else. Nothing else matters except how much bigger you are then they are.
You would rather be alone than in the company of someone who doesn't worship your every move, because this is how you've adapted to the extreme neglect of your childhood
Someone asking you to explain yourself makes you feel extreme rage and the need to shit all over them because you're too scared to admit you don't know either.
You enjoy the concept of power and authority and want to make people suffer for what they've done to you in the past by projecting yourself to be this all mighty entity of power and authority yourself
Which is a lot of words just to say you're rooted in dominance & control. Every single thing you do is a power dynamic. And you will never find happiness because you're rooted in this God like vision of perfectionism, even for yourself, that is just as equally God like in how unobtainable it is to reality.
You are constantly reliving the fears of your childhood experiences and as a result there is this huge need to be the biggest in the room so you can hurt them before they hurt you first- hence why you can't take "no" for an option
If reading this list has pissed you off or triggered you in some way that you feel like now you gotta tell me how much I suck and how worthless I am and how I don't know jack shit because it threatens you to take a deeper look at yourself and ask what you can do about it.
So here's what to do about it:
Become aware of your behavior. Hopefully this checklist will help you with that.
Work real hard at noticing the thoughts & situations that have you acting this way. What is happening around you? What has triggered these deep rooted fears & defense mechanisms? How often does this happen? Things like that.
Become aware of the fact that other people are going to reject you. Other people are going to need to step away and self care at some point. Turn your attention to how you respond when these moments come up.
Start working on self validation. It's normal to struggle with these types of symptoms for what you've been through. Try working real hard to find ways to normalize your feelings. Your anger and sense of justice is valid for what you went through. It is normal to want to see someone suffer after you have suffered so many big and horrific things. It can feel like, "why me?" And "why do I have to suffer, when everyone else around me doesn't?" And yes, that is a very valid feeling. Why do you have to suffer? It shouldn't have happened.
That being said. Become aware that there is a difference in feeling something, and acting on that feeling.
Acknowledge the fact that just because you're feeling it, doesn't mean your actions thereafter won't hurt someone else. You can have all the best intentions in the world. You can be truly suffering and feel so justified in your anger and the way you respond to it. But that doesn't mean the person next to you has to tolerate it, excuse it, or feel obligated to stay with you as a result. Become aware that your actions directly affect the people around you, whether you want to acknowledge that or not, whether youre in survival mode or not. You lashing out will affect the person around you. They will be affected by it. And they will have the right to that pain. You have to find ways to acknowledge and cope with this.
Start finding ways to cope with the trauma & the ways your body reacts when these triggers come up. This can be done by looking into somatic healing, nervous system healing, and inner child healing. And yes, I know there is a lot of rhetoric against "narcissistic abuse" and how narcissists supposedly can't do things like this. Well, please keep reading. I have listed other things below that help further debunk this. The point is, regardless of your diagnosis, regardless of your symptoms, your body is activated into fight/flight/freeze/fawn when these moments come up. Many people do not wish to talk about how NPD and other cluster B PDs are there from childhood trauma, too. You can absolutely heal this. Your body, your nervous system, your brain, you. You are capable of the self awareness needed to not only break out of these abusive mindsets but also heal yourself and your body triggers so you can make better informed decisions about what your brain is yelling at you during these moments.
And here's what to do about it on a deeper level:
Admit to yourself what your parents did to you. Admit what you went through in your childhood. Admit how much it hurt and how much of your life it has stolen from you. Stop ignoring it and pretending like it doesn't exist. It happened. And it has stolen even your very core of existence even to this day.
Get. Serious. About. Your. Life. Life is not a game. You remaining ignorant to yourself and your rage and inability to look deeper and be vulnerable, is going to hurt a lot more than just the others around you. It's going to be your funeral in the end. If you do not find ways to start looking deeper and address the pain & trauma that surrounds you, then you are going to die this way. Recovery is possible. Healing is possible. You have got to find a way to get serious about cultivating that kind of life for yourself.
Therapy is not all there is to healing. But it is a good fucking idea. You want to find someone trauma informed. Trauma therapy is currently being reworked to include a model of the dysfunctional family system. This is just a fancy way of saying trauma informed therapists know that ALL of your defense mechanisms are here because of what you went through as a kid. Your partner, your friends, your family? They're not gonna be able to handle your behaviors. That primal need for unconditional love & support? You threatening suicide is not going to get you that. A therapist, however, would. Trauma informed & trauma aware therapists already know you wanna off yourself at the drop of a dime and they still wanna help you sort it out for yourself. Think about that for a while.
Consider what it is you want & need out of your life. Yes, at some point in your life you will need to do some emotional work of your own. Find ways to get motivated about your health & healing. Make it about you! But in a better way that will get you working through the horrors and pain of your past, rather than shutting down & getting defensive when others ask you for that same type of energy right back.
Have you noticed the trend in all those above scenarios? They all revolve around people not being able to caretake you 24/7. At some point you will have to face these types of problems on your own. So consider asking yourself these types of things instead:
- what would happen if they were to say "no"? What's that worst case scenario that you're so scared of happening?
- How do you handle rejection? How do you want to handle rejection? What kind of person do you want to be at the end of the day? Do you want to have the pain and suffering of continuing the cycle of what your parents taught you? Or do you want to try real hard to break free and find healthier ways to address these hard & difficult topics?
- How can you show up for yourself a little bit more than you do right now? What are you avoiding? What needs to be said & addressed so you can move on & work on restoring yourself a sense of balance and control back to your life? Address these things. Don't let them add up.
Prioritize honesty. Prioritize raw genuine honesty with yourself and everyone else around you. Stop lying. Even the small offenses. There is literally no need. If you don't feel safe enough to be honest? Consider asking why you don't feel safe and go from there.
Become aware of and work real hard to address the need for dominance and control in all that you do. You can't control the outcome. You can't control someone else's limits to what they will and won't want to do for you. You can't make people stay if they don't want to. But you can control other things, like who you ask & what you do when others can't be there for you 24/7. You find other ways to cope & get your needs met.
Just be honest and ask for whatever it is you want & need from people. Like literally that's it. There is no need to play a mind game with someone who has no correlation to what you went through as a kid. You've got to know that about yourself. Youve got to know that your childhood is the source of the mindgame. Youve got to realize the game of chess you are playing is with your abusers who taught you how to play. The person sitting next to you? Has absolutely no connection to your shitty abusive parents/abusers. Don't make them suffer for that.
Address & work real hard on acknowledging that fear of being vulnerable. Work real hard on addressing your fears with yourself. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Work hard to undo the harmful shit your parents have given you to work with.
Stop selling yourself short. You being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, ASPD, etc, has nothing to do with your capability to self inspect and grow as a human being. Stop with the "I can't help it, it's just the way I am." As someone who used to feel that way, let me tell you one goddamn thing in this world that will never fuckin change: you deserve a better way of life. But you are not gonna get that without doing a little bit of work and putting in a teeny tiny amount of effort into changing the status quo. At the end of the day, you control yourself. Nobody else controls you, your words, your actions, your mindsets? All you. "I can't help it" means "I don't have enough guidance and validation from my childhood past to know I feel safe enough to change my behavior. Because nobody has ever showed me true unconditional love." Thing is, you've got to go through a whole helluva lot of mourning to even understand that nobody else will be able to replicate the love your parents should have given you. This is your job, and it's a job you should have never been given to begin with. But it is still your job at the end of the day. No one else. Not your partner. Not your besties. But you. Find ways to restore faith in yourself. Don't you ever fuckin forget that. Not a goddamn thing else in this world matters outside of that.
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If you found this helpful, please consider reblogging. If you need to vent and yell about there being a post catering to NPD & abusive behaviors, please consider reblogging anyway. The truth of the matter is that there are so few actually useful introspective sources out there for people who struggle with projection, and we live in a day and age where people want immediate solutions. Therapy! Yes. Therapy is a great idea. But we can still curate a deeper understanding outside of therapy too.
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Thanks for reading. Hope this helps 🌸
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#recovery#ptsd#trauma#mental health#boundaries#healing#bpd#npd#narcissist#narcissistic personality disorder#borderline personality disorder#manipulation#manipulative#advice#self inspection#self awareness#growth#living with bpd#actually borderline#actually traumatized#childhood trauma#child abuse#effects of abuse#abusive parenting#abusive parents#abusive relationships#abuse#recognizing abuse
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HIHI! I'm new to ur blog and i immediately LOVE YOUR WRITING
Also, if u don't mind, can u do tsukasa x fem reader who having a strict parent? (If it's not possible, u can do gn reader)
Like reader sometimes feels anxious when she talked about her parents or someone mentioned her parents. And tsukasa didn't know about reader's parent until she told him about it or he heard from someone else
I'm sorry if it's too confusing and I hope u have a great day^^
hello!! TYSMM ❤️❤️ also yes i don't mind at all! enjoy have a great day anon! AND I DIDNT INTENTIONALLY MADE IT ANGST BUT THIS REQUEST GIVES ME SO MUCH ANGST VIBES
STILL INLOVE WITH YOU
character/s: tsukasa tenma x fem!reader
cw: angst, controlling parents, gaslighting (parents), tsukasa is like ooc here idk 😭
when you and tsukasa started dating it was nice you two often go out a lot!
but that was until you're parents saw that you often go out more than before
when they asked you questions why you were going out so much this days, you knew better so you didn't even tried to lie because even if you did you'll be grounded for the rest of your life..
once you've told them that you got yourself a boyfriend, they didn't even flinch one bit.. did they already knew? well looks like they do from the way you looked at you ...
" i knew it. [name], i respect that you have a lover now but whoever he is im not trusting him. "
your father just gave you a disappointing look and looked at your mother
" you won't get out of this house for one week, if that boyfriend of yours is acceptable then we'll think about it but dont expect too much from us. "
" and you better break up with that boyfriend of yours. " your father and mother looked at you with tint of frustration and disgust
you only nodded and told your parents that you'll go to your room, they both nodded and bid you goodnight.
your not even surprised just but why are you tearing up right now?
as you closed your door you heard your phone play a nofication
when you saw tsukasa's contact name you thinked about maybe telling him now about your parents..
My Star 🌟
> Good evening my star! how are you??
> [name] pls answer or atleast seen me :(((
> [NAME] [NAME] [NAME] PLS ANSWER ME YOU CANT IGNORE YOUR WORLD FUTURE STAR!!! ☹️
you slightly giggled at how he gets easily tempered
My Lovely Starlight 💫
> hi tsukasa sorry for not responding to you i was having a talk
you stared at your phone getting a little nervous were you actually gonna tell him about your parents now..?
you take a deep breath and decided to finally tell him about you're parents, you can't make up excuses on why you won't able to go out.. he's probably going to find out sooner or later.
> hey tsukasa do you mind talking with you right now? it's alright if you don't want to
> that'll be nice! also on a call or meeting up on the park?
> on a call please :), i just wanna tell you something
were you really gonna do this?.. oh well.
you press your finger to the call icon, you took a heavy breath as tsukasa quickly picked up the call
" my star! how are you and what was it that you wanted to talk about? "
ah shit. right.
" well um you wanted to know my parents right? " you silently hoped that you're voice didn't stuttered or something you don't wanna deal with that for now.
" yes indeed! but my star are you alright? you seem like your voice is flinching... "
fuck.
" it's nothing to be worried about tsukasa. oh- uhm-.. " you felt your eyes pour out water again, why now?
" love.. did something happened about that talk you mentioned about. " he questioned but his tone sounded a bit firm
you knew that you can't lie to your boyfriend especially when he ask a question like this.
" oh.. why didn't you told me this sooner? you know i hate seeing you feel like this... "
" i just don't like talking about my parents much but i knew that i have to tell it to you sooner or later.. and.... "
your sure that he wants to give you comfort and affection right now but you both are on a call so it's impossible for him to do that.
tsukasa deserves someone better, so why even bother telling him all this? besides.
your just a bother.
but you knew damn well that he's inlove with you so much.
it hurts.
it really hurts.
it hurts so damn fucking much.
" tsukasa, im sorry but i can't take this anymore. "
" my star.. what do you mean about that, please talk to me im sure we can find an answer.. "
" there isn't, and im sorry. "
" let's just break up, it'll hurt us more if we keep going through this i can't risk letting you met up with my parents. " you cried as you were forcedly confess and quickly ended the call
" mMY STAR- "
you felt so empty but you knew that its the best
it's for the best.
that's what mother and father always says.
" im sorry tsukasa but our story ends here. "
#aoyagiisakitos writes#prsk x reader#pjsk x reader#proseka x reader#project sekai x reader#tsukasa tenma x reader#tsukasa tenma#tenma tsukasa x reader#wxs tsukasa#project sekai angst
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The thing about the cooking
why didnt I come to this site sooner, its literally perfect for getting all of my thoughts out. Enjoy :)
In a talk with Flayn Dimitri reveals he hasnt been able to taste anything since the massacre in duscur.
Which explains him saying he doesnt care about food that much in another conversation.
But knowing this, how can it be that dimitri has favourite foods, like everyone else, does he solely base it on the texture then??
He can still smell, right? Its a psychological thing, not like having a cold..
So he could technically somewhat imagine how the food actually tastes like.
How the fuck does he manage when he has kitchen duty?? Does he just try and get very precise measurements from a cook book? Like 5 spoons of salt, one spoon of sugar, one spoon of this spice,…
He must hate the phrase "season to taste".
He only knows if the food is truly edible once he sees someone's reaction to it.
He could technically ask anyone for help, but does he want to keep it a secret?
…Did Dimitri ever tell Dedue he doesnt taste anything?
Does he have a reason to not tell Dedue?
Is it to not make him sad?
...so Dedue doesnt feel like its wasted effort?
…pity him because he can't enjoy something that's important to him?
…or maybe even feel wrongly responsible ?
Its just another layer to this amazing relationship: the prodigy cook and his lover who cant taste anything.
Imagine being really good at something and not being able to use that one thing to make the love of your life happy.
Dedue is the best fucking cook in the whole kingdom™. And he cares a lot about Dimitri. He probably cooked for him often, especially in the edge-times™. Even if not privately and directly, the students take turns helping out preparing food at the school. So Dedue has definitely seen Dimitris reaction to his cooking.
Does Dimitri "lie" when Dedue asks if the food is alright?? Probably.
Dedue always says he isnt a good enough cook, what if its because he can feel Dimitri is lying when he says he likes the food. Because he cannot fucking taste it??
So Dedue bases his cooking skills entirely on Dimitris reaction and unless he gets a genuine reaction, it can never be "enough". And it doesnt matter if Dimitri appreciates the work and love that Dedue puts in, its just not the same.
How long does this keep on happening? Does Dimitri ever get his tastebuds back?? Its likely a physiological reaction to his trauma, so if he works through it… does it just go away one day?
Just imagine the scene
Dedue walks into the room. Dimitri is at the desk, doing paperwork like the good king he is. "Your highness, you need to eat. The others are already done with lunch." Dimitri doesnt even look up "I have to finish this first, I can eat later." Dedue doesnt reply, instead puts down a plate with food on the table, he already knew what his king would say.
Dimitri gives the plate a side look "Smells good, thank you.", doesnt make an attempt to actually take a bite though. Dedue is silent. Waiting. With a sigh Dimitri takes a spoonfull and shoves it in his mouth. Dedue is satisfied and turns around to leave. He stops as he hears sharp breathing and snaps around, has the food been poisoned!? But he prepared it himself and never left it unsupervised, it cant be!!
Dimitri is frozen at his desk, slowly chewing. Tears form in his eyes. "Your highness! Is everything alright?!"
Dimitri finally looks up, he is crying but his eyes are lit up. "Yes Dedue. It's amazing."
I am very normal about them.
#dimitri x dedue#fire emblem#fire emblem 3 houses#dedue molinaro#fe3h dedue#dedue fire emblem#dimitri fe3h#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#dimidue#what was he cooking#dimitri cant taste shit#thoughts of a paintbrush
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(I know I don't post often at all but I love my oc's a little too much) @a-pr0per-full-0n-gay-crisis
A little too different
I step through the doors, trying not to draw attention to myself. I know the other angels wouldn't notice but the gods definitely would.
I walk through a group of people, just trying to get to the other side of the clouds. I eventually make it to the other side, only to be caught.
"Sorin? I thought you were taking care of the younger angles..?"
I turn around to see none other than the God of innocence, Mijitsu-No. His white hair hangs over his face as he looks down at me. I can feel the disappointment coming from him..
"I was! I uh- I left Pria to look after them for me as I go down to earth to.. uh... look after the north shrine!"
I practically fail to get out.
Mijitsu looks down at me with confusion and I smile nervously.
"Oh.. that's fine then. Just don't get yourself into trouble. You know what happens.."
He tells me. Reminding me of what the other gods would think. Lucky for me, Mijitsu is easy to manipulate.
"Of course! How could I forget? I'd never want to disappoint my own creator!"
I say with a smile on my face.
Mijitsu smiles slightly and pats my head.
"You truly are one of Yorokobi's angels.. you run along now."
With that being said I immediately run off. Not that I don't want to talk to him or anything. I'm just going to see someone.
I jump down to see myself in a forest. It's not completely dark, but the sun is setting. I start walking to a small lit up area. There's just a few fairy lights hanging from a tree right above a small blanket.
I look up to see a figure coming up to me. Purple hair, red horns and stars in their eyes. Who else would it be?
"Late?"
"No. Just a minute."
I smile. Their my friend. My only friend actually. I appreciate their company yet it feels strange to lie about were I was going to a God like that..
"I brought one of my books. The super cool witchy one."
They say proudly.
"Really? I could never own a book like that.."
I say.
"Seriously? You can't even own books where your from?"
"Uhm- no.. I cant."
"Dang.. if I were you, I wouldn't want to be an angel."
"Well it's not like I can change that.."
"I can probably help. We can start small if you'd like."
"Small? What's small?"
"Well.. with white hair like yours, it would be easy to dye."
Dye? Like, change what I look like? I'd actually like that.. if I don't get caught...
"So? What about it, babes?"
"I- uh.. yes!"
I immediately responded. I didn't know what to say.. My friend then pulls some hair dye and scissors out of their bag. Why do they just have that on them..?
"Don't ask. I'm just prepared."
I hold my hands out as if saying that I won't ask about it.
"Okay! What ya thinking? I currently have pink.. green, blue and purple. Obviously."
"Uhm- could I pick two..?"
"Of course!"
"Can I do pink and green..?"
They nod and step behind me as I sit on the small blanket that's placed out.
"I'm just gonna cut it a bit.. okay?"
I nod. I just assumed that I should just see what happens. I just hope I don't look too bad..
A good hour later. I wash my hair out with a nearby creek. I then shake out my hair and my friend hands me a mirror. I take a look at my new, short yet still wet hair.
It's way shorter than it was. It's a bright pink with a few streaks of a neon green.
"You like it?"
"Yea. I do."
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I think you’re slightly missing the point of that scene which is at that moment louis believes lestat has actually made the effort to compromise for the family (he doesn’t know yet that Antoinette is still alive) and Louis has agreed to kill people again after both lestat and claudia ganged up on him so as far as he knows claudia IS the only one who’s making waves for no reason. That’s literally what prompts her to expose Lestat’s lie after that though and once he finds out Lestat’s compromises weren’t real he also stops making an effort too and sees her provocations as necessary to getting them out in the second chess scene.
I think reading maliciously into that line is weird when we know at that point Lestat has gone to great lengths to fake his way back into the house and he hasn’t yet been exposed in that scene. Like we can say louis is stupid for believing them but that’s often how people treat victims of abuse (why are you so gullible, stupid, etc) when they fall for their abuser’s schemes.
i’m not calling louis gullible or stupid or any of that though. and i said i agree with the points. i just don’t agree with him. that’s what i’m saying. as a person on the outside who has the information i don’t agree with him.
im not reading malliciousy. it was further abuse to turn to a child who is reacting to abuse shes facing from the same individual and call her ugly. he didnt say i dont like when you do that cause. he is irritable and he gets to be irritable with her in a way that he doesn’t lestat. im not saying he’s choosing sides. ive seen it happen. parents who yell or get angry at the kids for making the abusive parent angry or antagonzing them when theyre gonna be that way anyways. thats why she responds with better angry than foolish or whatever. shes being mean right back. bc she wants to get out. she wants to get them both out and it will only happen if she does something. thats an insane amount of burden on a child. its a thing that happens often. kids having to step in and be the ones who fight against the abuser. and to have the parent who you want to be on your side talk to you like that is really not okay. of course shes being unreasonable. shes a child.
a child who can’t do much more and literally cannot be emotionally mature anywhere near where they are at. i’m asking how many times does louis speak softly and gently to lestat (with good reason due to the abuse) and expect more for the child in the situation. he is abused. and claudia is too. shes facing a unique brand of abuse lestat reserves just for her. and she is angry about that. and she is the one who didnt have a choice but to be there. how can she be the bigger person?
im saying i understand his perspective and still asking but how does that read to claudia? that’s what i was getting at. i have myself pointed out that louis doesn’t see a way out of this. so i know that.
but he also went to get lestat from antoinettes house. that’s where he found him. he believes lestat but thats not bc lestat has been in anyway genuine. at all. and louis has shown himself to suspect and say nothing. that is not me blaming him. that is me saying this is a thing i know he does. i understand why he does it. but why should claudia get the energy you cant give to lestat (again for good reason)?? he even admits to have pretty much already known. when he’s walking back with claudia and says theres no point in saying anything. ive been there. i know shutting down bc of overbearing trauma, but when there’s a child invovled then what? and again how often does claudia get chastised for barking and sniping when lestat chokes the collar he put around her neck? louis believes lestat. claudia has no reason to and does not. louis thinks shes not doing enough after everything she has done. i don't agree with him. i can both understand him and not agree with him. im not in his pov. im a viewer.
so to me. everyone endures and claudia bottles her anger and louis doesn’t do anything and lestat continues on as he does bc there is no recourse no matter if claudia says and does nothing. if claudia is antagonizing him lestat rages. lestat also decides to sit them down at a table where neither of them are saying anything and rage anyways. maybe he was taking out what louis said to him about reading in ep 5 or maybe it was something that happened then but we dont know for sure. the way the scene played out in ep 7 theyre having dinner and he starts yelling at them about books. so then what?? claudia is ugly when she fights back. because she was born of the ugliness that forced her into this position in the first place but only she should feel bad about that? and what about how ugly of a comment that was to say?
what im saying is i don’t like that he said that. and i dont agree. and it makes me angry. it makes me angry bc i know claudia’s position very well.
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16, 10 and 3 for Caineeeee and Cecilia plz
evening!! hello there crab controlled cat
16. What makes their stomach turn?
Caine- hmmm. this isnt something thats really happened before,,,, but i think its pretty similar with what i mentioned here, they got a spidey sense if the signal for the spidey sense was an extremely panicky feeling in their gut. i havent really thought of what would disgust them or even cross their morality enough to react that way. new thing to think about! the image of caine sneering at somebody/thing is a very fun thought.
Cecilia- like caine, shes also rather resilient, so its hard to find a situation where her stomach would turn. on top of that, she finds intrigue in the things most people find disgusting (blood and viscera for once thing), so almost nobodys seen her actually in that state. themmy has though! it was during a prank when she swapped out cecis chocolate chip cookies for raisins, she spat the whole thing out. ceci didnt talk to her for a week after that. shes never going to forget the moment she realized she was back at the farm. shes never felt so helpless before. she loses herself in those memories sometimes.
10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?
Caine- caine doesnt actively tell lies a lot, just omits the truth. the most frequent one for him would probably be being a regene. even with being a villain or pupeteering hark, its not an actual lie they say out loud. however, its a bit unavoidable for being a regene lol. they have no regrets, its a matter of his safety and it could actively put their own plans in jeopardy, so they see no problem with it.
Cecilia- cecilia? cecilia doesnt lie! shes a very honest step thats super blunt about everything! you can trust her to always tell you what shes thinking! except for every principle shes built on. who she is as a person. hell, if she even is a person in the first place. but thats ok, thats not lying, thats just being stupid, a little silly if you will. the thought doesnt count as haunting her if she doesnt confront it!
3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)
Caine- does working count. they dont have a solid sense of time, and he often loses himself in the process whenever he makes something, so a solid 60-65% of the time theyll end up falling asleep at their desk. if he remembers to go to sleep, hell either end up escaping to hark, or if they need a clear head, just thinking. theyve got a rather active imagination so you could imagine it as someone getting a story to sleep. sometimes theyll get some white noise to accompany it.
Cecilia- sketching! she keeps a notebook by her bedside table to draw things that happened during the day. the subject varies depending on her fancy, but either way, its a good way to help her get her thoughts out. sorta like journaling, but with the added benefit of being able to put down what shes feeling even if she cant place it (plus nobody could interpret what she puts in there even if somebody finds it, which is pretty sweet)
questions from here!
#new party game just dropped#how many seconds can you hold the 'ee' in 'cain-ee'#25 seconds for me#“evening” i say#as i write these tags at 2pm the next day#good afternoon i guess lmfao. though youll probably see this during the morning so gm!#caine lynzal#cecilia rider#sidestep#fhr#pulp answers#ask game
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first week of school. also want to add that ill try to do content warnings better for these! haven’t done a good job of that at all. mentions of racial and ableist slurs, discussion of stressed kids, food insecurity, institutional neglect and harm, general discussion of trauma
ok, thursday and friday weren’t bad other than me being beyond exhausted. i truly couldn’t have functioned without my adhd meds. the seventh graders are fucking amazing and we had The Best discussion, totally out of the blue, about prejudicial language, specifically the n-word and the r-word (both are problems at our school 🙃). i basically don’t have classroom management over them rn (or at least am not bothering to Exert It) bc their other teachers are Overreacting and being Too Intense bc it’s the start of the year so since they already know me it’s all steam blowing off in my class but honestly that’s fine. they don’t have to be non-feral until next week bc i just want them to Relax right now. the sixth graders just got lockers and are Going Through It emotionally so there’s a lot of “breathe, try again” and “nobody is doing tardies right now” bc some of them literally haven’t developed their fine motor skills enough yet and our locks and lockers are, no lie!!!!!, forty years old and Cranky. so that’s a lot of unregulated stress to channel off. i think i say this twice a week but i Do Not Understand how ANYONE teaches elementary school. makes No sense to me. beginning of sixth grade is often too young for me, really; so many of them haven’t developed that, like, independent rationality yet, and it’s A Lot when there are So Many of them.
the ideal way to end this first week would have been to have like a half day for prep so we could meet w teachers, contact parents/guardians, do sped referrals, seating chart upheavals, etc. there’s a lot of “ah, okay, here’s what This batch needs” even 3 or 4 days in, and it would just be so lovely and useful and productive and overall good for everyone to have that. for example i overheard a convo that made it clear that a family hadn’t signed their kid up for free lunch this year and so the kid didn’t get lunch so i had to run around and tell the right people (teachers don’t have access to that info) and make sure they got fed and all but it took my whole prep, and im obviously delighted to do that, but then i didn’t have any prep time and did my last three classes on the fly. not that this kind of thing doesn’t happen most days. it’s just that more prep time is imo the number one thing we need as a profession. i cant begin to express how much it would help everyone.
plus there are, as always, the kids that i just want to have a four hour productive meeting about every single day, where we hash out an Actual Plan. with a social worker, a reading specialist, a developmental psychologist, a pediatrician, a therapist, a sped expert, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, a case manager, a para AND an ea and a secretary for notes. instead it’s me and the counselor who has a 250 kid caseload for ten minutes in the hall.
ive had a dream for a while, since grad school actually, of studying the affect of referred trauma on kids’ peers and school faculty and staff, especially peers and faculty and staff who also have trauma. the amount of shit that slides off of me now because you Have to grow the most perfectly balanced shield of “i will Act on this and Not ignore it” and “i must Remain Calm” and “I’ve just heard the Worst Thing Ever and have to teach for another four hours”. what does it do to you long term? what about the ones who get inured? and the ones who don’t? how can we actually help people handle this well? i know there’s So much stuff out there about secondary/vicarious trauma, and trauma informed education, and i want to be able to know if it’s at all useful or if it’s too tainted to use, like i now expect from basically all educational academia. to be clear i have already done a lot of work in this area but not for a while, and i wanted to reframe the fundamentals.
so glad we have a three day weekend now.
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If I could choose someone who I wanted to love themselves, I would choose you every single time, again and again.
Vi, I don't think you know how amazing you are. No matter what you do, you have made so many people, especially me, so much happier. You brought so much light into my life and I never thought I could grow to love someone in such a short time, but you've proved otherwise. No matter what happens, I'm always going to be here for you. I'll be here to remind you how amazing you are everyday till you believe it, and even then I'll keep reminding you. I love you so much
Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die, I don't belong, and my beloved neither do you
Those Windermere peaks look like the perfect place to cry, and I'm setting off, but not without my muse
I would choose you to go to the lakes with me everytime
i remember getting this and just sitting in shock for a while, i wanted to frame it, still do actually, i've kept it in my inbox and go back to read it every time i go in my inbox because i wanted to keep it forever
i dont know if i'll ever truly love myself i know i dont now, at all but the funny thing is if i had to choose someone i wanted to love themselves it'd be you too
willow i dont think you know how amazing you are either or how happy you've made me, i try so hard to tell you and make you believe, but i can always tell you dont believe me, well i dont give care, you are amazing and incredible and you've made me so happy and you dont deserve any of the bad shit thats happened to you, and i dont give a fuck if you say its not true cause it is, and i dont lie about shit as important as that, no, fuck that, i dont lie that often all together, so you are really amazing and incredible and so talented and mutuals can back me up on this and you are so kind and nice to everyone and i love you so so so much
i love sending you posts and random ass shit in the middle of the night, i love these conversations we have were we confess our secrets, i love building a world with you and me in it, i love imagining that future we've made for ourselves, i love thinking of you, i mentally always have a clock calculating what time it is for you, willow one day we'll meet and we'll hug and never let go because we survived
we'll get cats like we planned and you'll show me proper good food because in your words "you've been brainwashed to white people food and we cant have that" and i'll read emily dickenson to you forever
i'd create worlds for us to live in, weaving every tree and brick out of my love for you, i'd write you into my stories and poems and paint you into the souls of the world
you are my muse <3
@my-mind-is-frozen
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