My 13 year old cousin came back from a date with her boyfriend and said, "I can't wait to grow up and spend sunday afternoons with him." At first, I wanted to laugh (after all they're just 13), but I remember being 13 and having the world in my hands. I remember getting excited to talk to someone about my dreams and wishes, and how happy these daydreams and fantasies made me. There's this innocence you can only have at 13 and the world rises and falls and crashes and burns every year... until you do not think about quiet sunday afternoons.
So I asked her about the date and heard her giggle about bubblegum flavored ice cream, and how much she loves this little life. I think she makes me love it too.
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire
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they say that loving someone is predetermined, predestined.
people speak of the instantaneous bond between mother and child, and, yes, she had become more than familiar with the biological and socio-psychological reasons for that. but it wasn’t that. or maybe it was that, but it was certainly something more.
whether you call it fate, or chance, or circumstance, loving someone persists beyond what our minds can comprehend. and she was convinced of that when she first held him. like she had wandered in her thirty-some years here, aimlessly searching for someone she faintly recognized, and yet could not name.
so, years later, when she gazed hazily into the eyes of her child she could no longer recognize, the waning yet persistent strength by which she held his hand, and the warmth she felt, could only be explained by something that had happened in a world before our own. it was no worry that her earthly mind couldn’t recall his name, or who they were to one another. in those the fleeting moments before she returned to the place that she, he, and you and i once came from, she hoped that she could relay through her gaze to this stranger she loves that she'll be able to find him again.
inspired by a beautiful excerpt by ritika jyala’s ‘The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire’, and the concept of barzakh
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hi tum beler
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unfortunately, i need you. and you need me.
no i don't.
you need someone to take care of you.
no i don't.
yes you do. everybody does.
im gonna need you more than you need me.
that's okay.
no it's not! it isn't fair. i have places to go.
you'll go there. i just may have to carry you.
i can't ask you to do that.
you didn't.
- love & other drugs (2010)
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I'm stuck in a place
Far away from people's sight
It's claustrophobic in here
And I feel like dying
This place is soo small that no one can see it
And it's not stationary so that they can reach me
This place go wherever I go
And stops when I stop
I live in this place and this place lives in me
We hate each other and yet we confined into each other
This place keeps my secrets,my cries and my screams
This place is the only place I can breathe
And you might wonder why I hate this place
Well you tell me? who love themselves nowadays!
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@themostop replied to your post “this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world”
You have a crush on her! She’s drowning the whole world and you have a crush on her!
Yes.
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I AM HIM, AS HE IS ME
SUMMARY — If there is anything that is universally acknowledged to be wholly true and incontestable, it’s that Gojo Satoru loves his daughter more than anything in the world. But does she know that?
AUTHOR’S NOTE — i got into a huge argument with my father a while back and it’s been weighing on my conscience. this series is largely based on our relationship and it’s been so therapeutic to write everything out and indirectly give myself an ending i want. the series isn’t complete, if anything, it’s no where near done. i want to make sure everything is perfect before i even think about posting the first chapter. its been so long since i’ve felt this strong need to write and i forgot how much of a beautiful feeling it is. everywhere i look and everything i see gives me so much inspiration for this series. but for now, here’s a little sneak peak of my new child.
(i am him as he is me spotify playlist)
SERIES WARNINGS — heavy religious themes, female reader, sugugeto, heavy angst, child abuse, childhood neglect, reader is a brat in the beginning…
TOTAL WORD COUNT — tbd…
PREVIEW —
The rhythmic buzz of the cicadas and the sweltering humidity of the summer air marked the beginning of summer and the end of… everything. Satoru could feel the material of his pants begin to stick to his legs the longer he sat on the rotting wooden bench. The train tracks before him were rusted and old; they had weathered the storm of time and had the marks to prove it. These tracks were the end. The led you to the beginning. All Satoru had to do was wait.
—
“Maybe it was because I knew she would always come back to me. Maybe I was testing her love for me. Maybe I wanted to push her away before she pushed me away.”
“That’s a lot of maybes.”
“There’s a lot of regret.”
Satoru could still feel the weight of that nostalgic love and regret in his stomach. It has buried itself so deep within him, he’s hardly sure anything would make it go away. The woman next to him looks different now; youthful, free. Satoru wants that. But does he deserve it?
I AM HIM, AS HE IS ME [MASTERLIST]
— CHAPTER ONE: “The World is a Sphere of Ice and Our Hands are Made of Fire.”
Gojo Satoru, in all aspects, is a God reborn. He holds the world and its universes in the palm of his flaming hand; unknowingly burning everything he holds dear.
— CHAPTER TWO: “If You Had to Walk into a Room with Everyone You’d Ever Met, Who Would You Look for First?”
With an emotionally distant mother and a father plagued with a god complex, there weren’t many people you could look up to. maybe, you have to look down.
— CHAPTER THREE: “Do You Believe Me When I Tell You I’m Trying to be Better?”
With tensions at an all-time high, it’s hard to ignore what has gone neglected for so long. Dams are broken and feelings are hurt, but if there’s one thing everyone knows, it’s that Gojo Satoru loves his daughter more than anything. But does she know that?
— CHAPTER FOUR: “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.”
There is nothing more heroic than the sacrifices made by a mother. But what is born of those sacrifices made? Virtue? Honour? Strength? You knew the answer to that question all too well: Guilt.
— CHAPTER FIVE: “Desperation Sits Heavy on my Tongue.”
You and your father are more alike than either of you are led to believe. He doesn’t reach. You don’t beg. Where does the tension snap?
— CHAPTER SIX: “Through Heaven and Earth, I Alone am the Honoured One.”
Hymns were sung at his birth and prophecies were written for his future, in all aspects, Gojo Satoru was a god reborn. But who is a God to a little girl searching for her father?
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"But I finished [Near and Mello] together as a set, and although they aren’t particularly laid out as such, I still feel a bit like they’re twins." —Obata Takeshi
whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same:
i. low sky, mahmoud darwish. ii. the world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire, ritika jyala. iii. kadan, 2008. iv. the dreamers, gilbert adair. v. @nathanielorion vi. nagiko, 2016. vii. elektra, sophokles (tr. anne carson). viii. wishbone, richard siken. ix. inbred, ethel cain. x. the boy who, tirol. xi. monster portraits, del samatar and sofia samatar. xii. in the field, @nathanielorion xiii. death note, "use" ch77. xiv. gut symmetries, jeanette winterson. xv. mystic union; fire and wine: poems, john gould fletcher. xvi. @inukai_0055, twitter. xvii. the carnivorous lamb, agustín gómez-arcos. xviii. my sister, the serial killer, oyinkan braithwaite. xix. the beatrice letters, lemony snicket (text); a quiet visitor, holly warburton (art); @unpardonablesins (edit). xx. ada, vladimir nabokov. xxi. this is how you lose the time war, amal el-mohtar. xxii. the borgias, s3e10, showtime. xxiii. @antaarf xxiv. @vilicity xxv. @boymiffy
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IT ALL GOES BACK AND BACK, TO OUR MOTHERS AND OUR FATHERS
richard kadrey // lois dodd // a dance with dragons, g.r.r.m. // unknown // "writer in the dark", lorde // unknown // the world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire, ritika jyala // a storm of swords, g.r.r.m. // the truth about grief, fortesa latifi // lois dodd // mother and daughter, gustav klimt // she had some horses, joy harjo // a feast for crows, g.r.r.m. // dead mother, egon schiele // for one more day, mitch albom // a game of thrones, g.r.r.m. // chaos, holly warburton // clementine von radics
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I was a gifted child. Until I wasn't. I was the golden girl. Until I couldn't burn anymore.
My parents expected me to build wings of gold and fly further than anyone could ever try. I don't blame them, having a child to raise is like sculpting a clay pot, you can shape it the way you like, paint it the colour you fancy. To raise a child is to play God. To raise a child is to be God.
But to be a child is to fall, to make mistakes, to fail. The thing about being too bright at an early age means you burn out by the time you're 16 and suddenly the world around you becomes more gray and terribly, terribly lonely. The fire is never warm enough, nothing is ever enough. And one day you find yourself begging to a godless sky, begging for a new spark.
I was a gifted child once. I was the golden girl. And one day, I burned out.
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire
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It doesn't matter what the world says, to me you are always right.
And if they are even a cent correct I am willing to mute the world just to keep you forever.
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