#THINKING ABOUT HOW HE NEARLY DIED JUST TO BRING LEO BACK LIKE IF RAPH AND DONNIE DIDNT SHARE THE BURDEN HE WOULDA DIED!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

boots-with-the-fur-club · 9 months

Text

Chapter 2 of my reincarnation fic!

@rottmnt-background-screenshots

@daboyau

“Okay, this clearly is something beyond my scope.” Donnie comments as he watches the recording from last night.

This was after he saw the readings he got were nearly incomprehensible.

The recording showed them all having their markings glow throughout the night.

There was also the fact that each of them remembered the dream from their own perspective.

The exact same dream.

“Draxum could probably tell us what’s happening.” Mikey suggests.

“Normally I’d keep pushing for science, but I’m worried that this unregulated use of our mystic powers may cause damage like it did to our arms, so I’m in agreement for calling him.”

“Should we tell dad first? This might be some Hamato kind of thing.” Raph mentions.

“Could save us a call. Let’s go see if he’s awake.” Leo leads the way to the movie room.

They find him watching his usual commercials.

“Dad, we gotta talk.”

“What is it, Red? Did one of you boys break something again?”

“No, uh…..we shared a weird dream where we were all different people in a different place that looked pretty old.”

Splinter tenses and shuts off the projector, which immediately makes everyone realize how serious this could be.

“Tell me more about it.”

The turtles explain how the dream went from their different viewpoints.

Splinter frowns and rubs his beard.

“I do not believe this is anything dangerous, I think I know what’s going on.”

“So it’s a Hamato thing like Raph thought?”

“No, not exactly Orange. Maybe not entirely. Do you know what reincarnation is?”

“That’s what Tora was talking about, something about another life.” Raph answers.

“There’s one belief that when we die, we could come back as anything, even another person. These dreams might actually be memories.”

Mikey gasps loudly.

“We’ve been a family before!” He squeals and pulls Leo into a hug.

Leo dramatically moves him away.

“No way, apparently Donnie was your favorite! Go hug him!”

Mikey whimpers and gives him the biggest sad eyes he can muster.

“Kidding, kidding!” Leo quickly brings him back into the hug.

“I thought our ancestors all became ghosts after they died, so how did they become us instead?” Raph questions.

“It’s only a possibility they were Hamato. They could have been anyone. We should try to contact Karai, she would know more.” Splinter answers.

“I can’t wait to see gram gram again. It feels like it’s been forever since our last talk.”

“According to my records it’s been….2 weeks.” Donnie corrects.

“Still way too long! Let’s do it!” Leo encourages.

They all go to the area in the lair they set up specially for contacting their ancestors. It was usually just for talking to Karai since Splinter was still angry the rest of them for trying to make his sons martyrs, but his mom was also summoned for some nice chats from time to time.

They sit down on their color coded pillows that were put together close to each other in a circle. All at once, they activate their ninpo and focus on bringing Karai out. Her form slowly appears in the center.

“Hi Gram-Gram!” Mikey greets her with a smile.

“Hello boys. I’m glad to see you all again.”

“It’s good to see you too Gram-Gram, but we’ve got somethin kinda serious to ask about.” Raph comments.

“The dreams, they’re worrying you.”

“Yeah! How’d ya know?”

“When your ninpo activated, I was able to sense what was going on. Please fill me in on the rest.”

The turtles tell her what they told Splinter.

“Your father mentioned the mystic warriors that trapped the Krang, yes?“

They all nod.

“They were 500 years before my time, but it was strongly believed that they started the Foot Clan.”

“Hold on, pops said the Foot Clan worshipped the Krang! Why would they worship who they were tryna stop?”

“The Foot Clan only started worshiping the Krang after they gave the armor to my father.”

“Wait….I’m not good at math, but if the key was made 1,000 years ago and it trapped them, how were there Krang to give your dad armor?” Leo scrunches up his face.

“Some Krang managed to avoid being captured. Enough to cause centuries worth of damage….but not enough to get back the key.”

“There’s been Krang here this entire time….?”

“I don’t know what happened to them after I sealed my father away, so unfortunately I don’t have much information. What I do know is that the ancestors before we became the Hamato clan aren’t the same. Despite the mystic energy, it’s only once we separated from the Foot that we could cultivate the Ninpo. My father himself only appears because of the Ninpo used to free him.”

“Then what you’re saying is that getting our ninpo back could have helped uncover latent mystic energy from before it was actually ninpo. It shook free memories and our ninpo helps us see it all at once.” Donnie explains.

Karai nods.

“Raphael possibly experienced bits and beforehand because he was the first to dig deep. Now that you all have had major moments, Leonardo especially, they are flowing through. Because they’re not channeled, they are random and scattered still. Through meditation and shared ninpo, you could see them clearly and without having to sleep to do it. Some memories may only come through based on the person you’re sharing ninpo with.”

“Thanks for the advice Gram-Gram. We’ll start practicin.” Raph smiles at her.

“Stay safe and be careful.” She vanishes into green light.

“We should try it out now! I want to see more of what we were like!” Mikey shouts excitedly.

“I’m with Mikey, small Raph is hilarious.” Leo smirks.

“This may help be gather more data about this whole situation so I agree too.” Donnie states.

“Go on and try. I will stay with you in case something goes wrong.” Splinter adds.

“Let’s do it then!” Raph stands up and he helps his brothers bring their seats closer together.

Splinter sits outside the new circle and the turtles hold hands before closing their eyes. They each dig into their ninpo, causing their marks to light up like before. Thoughts of the lives they led before transform the dark in front of them into a bright and cloudless day. There’s a dirt road in front of them as well, one that’s moving. It seemed they were hitching a ride on a cart that was mostly occupied with hay.

Kosuke and Tora both kick their feet up and down as they sit together on the edge of the cart. Aoi yawns as leans against the hay and Tomo frowns while looking at the younger two of their group.

“You’re sure that you know how to earn money?”

“How do you think I’ve kept me and Tora fed? I told you not to worry. I’ve got everything under control. Now that I’m your big brother-“

“We’re the same age.”

“But I’m bigger, so I’m the biggest brother, and that means I take care of all of you.”

“They won’t take us to any orphanages?”

“I’ll be honest with you, the orphanage didn’t care that you left. They probably filled up the spaces there already. None of them want to take in any kids they don’t have to. We can stay together. That’s a sworn promise.”

“Don’t promise something you can’t keep.”

“That’s why I don’t! I can make sure no one gets taken away. Just like I can keep us fed. We’re already almost there.” He points towards a farm.

“A farm? What will we do there?”

“Anything they need us to. If they don’t need help then we go to their neighbors.”

“Ugh, physical labor….”

Aoi laughs.

“I’ll be doing most of the heavy lifting.”

“But I help too!” Tora interjects.

“That true, she is a force to be reckoned with. I saw her carry a hay bale twice her size.”

“Really!? No wonder we got that boulder down! You’re so strong!” Kosuke’s eyes light up.

Tora moves her sleeve up and proudly flexes her arm.

Kosuke pokes her arm in awe.

They eventually get off the cart before heading towards the house. Aoi introduces himself and everybody else then asks about any work they could help out with for money.

To Tomo’s surprise, the farmer eagerly accepts. Aoi is sent to take care of the farm animals while the rest of the three harvest fruit.

Tora pouts heavily as she picks pears off the tree and places them in a basket.

“No fair….they won’t let me help him because I’m a girl.”

“I’m surprised anyone had let you before.” Tomo comments.

“It’s because I was wearing a boy’s yukata. In my next life I want to be a big and strong boy like aniki.”

“You could grow bigger and stronger as a girl! So big and strong that you’re better than any boy.” Kosuke suggests.

Tora’s eyes sparkle like everything was just made clear.

“You’re a genius!”

Kosuke smiles widely.

They only stop working once the sun goes down. The three of them head to the house and see Aoi already there, talking to the farmer again. When he sees them, he ends the conversation and rushes over.

“Guys! He said we could sleep in the barn for tonight.”

“What? How’d you convince him of that?” Tomo questions.

“Aniki is the best at talking to people.” Tora says proudly.

“That’s not a real answer.”

“No worrying about how! Let’s just get to sleep.” Aoi walks past them and to the barn.

Tomo narrows his eyes as he watches him again and is the last to follow him. The farmer’s wife was nice enough to give them futons to sleep on before leaving them to rest.

Kosuke was snuggled into Tomo’s side despite the summer heat. Tora was already fast asleep, splayed out with her limbs on top of Aoi’s.

“How do you sleep like that?” Tomo doesn’t move his head, but he can see it clearly.

“You get used to it. It’s part of being a family. Goodnight!” Aoi closes his eyes.

Tomo sighs and does the same.

It’s difficult for him to actually fall asleep. He’s aware that everything is okay, that they’re safer than they had been for a while.

So why can’t he sleep?

After what could have been hours, he’s never sure when this happens, he finally opens his eyes and looks over back at Aoi.

All he sees is Tora hugging an empty futon.

Panic fills him as he sits straight up, still avoiding waking up. He notices that the barn door is closed. It only made everything seem weirder. He quickly leaves the barn and glances around outside to see if Aoi was nearby.

No luck.

He closes the barn door behind him and starts searching the whole farm. Once getting to the chicken coop, his seeking ends.

Aoi is in the middle of a yawn but jerks up in surprise.

“Tomo! Whaaat are you doing here?”

“That’s the question I have.”

“Just….getting some air. Couldn’t sleep.”

“Your words say one thing but your yawning says another.”

Aoi sighs.

“They only let us stay here because I agreed to guard their animals. Something has been spooking through chickens.”

“You worked harder than us today, why didn’t you ask for someone else to do it?”

“Because there’s no way I’m letting any of you get hurt if it’s a big animal! The rule is that it’s me before anyone else in this family.”

“I don’t recall agreeing to that.”

“Too bad, biggest brother makes the rules.”

“For the last time, you’re not-“ Tomo looks behind him and freezes.

Aoi turns around and sees glowing eyes in the darkness. His arm immediately shoots out and across Tomo’s chest.

“Get behind me!”

“I can’t just-!”

Whatever is in the darkness starts coming closer, fast, and Aoi throws himself over Tomo. His eyes shut right and he tenses as he curls protectively around him.

“…..Aoi. It’s okay. You can get up.”

He opens his eyes.

“Why?”

“It’s just a cat.”

Aoi quickly moves away from him and sees the cat casually stroll away.

“The gods are cruel.” He sighs heavily in relief.

“…..You really meant everything you said.”

“Of course I did. I really don’t know you or your brother, but when we became kenzoku, that wasn’t something to just say. We’re in this together now. Even if I wasn’t older than you, I’d still want to protect you. I’d want to help.” He smiles.

“I still feel like….the kind of person you are….the way you act, you don’t really exist. You can’t.”

“Then I guess I’ll just have to keep proving I do.”

Tomo smiles back softly.

“Now come on, you should get back to sleep.”

Aoi starts pulling him along.

“I don’t think so. Stay here.”

Tomo makes him let go and rushes off. Aoi stays where he’s standing, confused.

That is until Tomo brings their futons back with him and lays them on the ground.

“We’re sleeping in shifts.”

“But-“

“No buts. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get rest. You sleep first before anymore cats get here.”

Aoi chuckles.

“Okay, okay, deal.”

He lays down and Tomo sits upright on his.

“Goodnight, for real this time.” Aoi closes his eyes.

“Goodnight.” Tomo looks at him and watches him actually fall asleep.

He then looks back at the barn where everyone else is sleeping.

“And thank you.”

The turtles snap out of the memory and open their eyes.

“Ohmigosh, we were so cute!” Mikey squeals.

“That cat part was pretty funny, right Donnie?….Donnie…?” Leo’s eyes widen as he looks at him.

He’s crying.

25 notes · View notes

tyo-mimt · 4 months

Text

13/36. @tmnt-event-blog

April sometimes wishes her brothers were a little more subtle about forcing her to relax.

She'd manage. She always did.

Peeling her face and arms off the table, she stretched her back and yawned. Her table was littered with open notebooks and study materials; she nearly pushed them off as she stretched. It wasn't that bad though. She wasn't sick, so she'd be all set to head out. It wasn't like she had that many classes anyway; just the one boring seminar with a lecture hall packed with passionless students and a guest speaker who knew little to nothing about the topic and just wanted the pay.

Not like she could complain. She was also the type to trudge from job to job in some vain attempt to secure one. Being a weirdo magnet did come with its pitfalls, even if she didn't want to admit it.

Before she could get ready for the class and the rest of her afternoon getting ruined, her phone buzzed. She reached for it, opening a message from Leo. One word: Help.

She didn't need to be told twice.

Freshened up by the threat of her brothers being in danger, April rushed out of her apartment complex and to the lair. She took the garage entrance this time; it was quicker, if not a little more precarious to enter through (blame the many traps and alarms Donnie set up there). As she ran into the main body of the lair, she called out.

"Guys! What's the emergency..." The words died on her mouth. The message was sent a cool twenty minutes ago, so she expected to see debris or fire or some other form of destruction. The room was cleaner (somehow). Leo stood next to a large beanbag (where did that come from?), holding a pair of controllers hooked up to a console a little farther away.

"The emergency is how little time we spend together."

She wanted to be mad, but she was more relieved and a little surprised than anything else, "Leo! I can't be here for games! I have class in an hour!"

"As far as your attendance record shows, you are in class." Donnie popped in from behind, walking from the kitchen and through the lair to get back to his lab.

"You're planning to gaslight the system into thinking I was there?" Wouldn't be the first time they did this, but it was still fun to ask.

"Worked for Othello Von Ryan and the use of discreetly-placed-and-ethically-questionable surveillance cameras. I'll text you the summary of the class when it finishes."

He didn't even need a moment to gauge April's semi-surprised reaction before disappearing into the lab.

"Is he... working on something?"

"Has been for weeks... Everyone's too scared to ask what he's working on," Leo sighed in faux attention, wrapping his arm around April's shoulders and pulling her over to the beanbag. Sat down on it, Leo joined her on the pillowing and handed her the controller.

"So is this just you missing me or an invitation to getting your butt kicked in a video game?"

"Don't be so sure you'd win against me just yet!" Leo spoke, voice vehement as ever, "Dee's added some upgrades to my arm that'll propel me to victory~"

"He added cheat codes, did he?"

"Whu-ha-hat? No! Why would he?"

April scoffed, arms crossed as she held the controller. "Hmph, cheat codes or not, I'll still beat you."

The overconfidence set in, and April could already feel her victory coming. "Oh-hoh-hokay! Bring it on!"

The rest of the hours bled into minutes, but they were hours she cherished. Mikey and Raph joined in the fray when they returned from a hangout with the Caseys.

Surrounded with family and a very close match with her brothers, she had to remember that there were more benefits to being a weirdo magnet after all.

#rottmnt #tmnt holiday bingo #snow day play #rottmnt april #rottmnt leo #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt raph #rottmnt mikey

8 notes · View notes

calamit-ink · 2 years

Text

I live blogged my thoughts while watching the ROTTMNT movie in the notes app

Here it is:

* Oooh it’s finally out!!

* What’s this? A video game perspective?

* Casey’s trans???

* Oh nvm it’s in the future

* Casey’s son?

* LEO SWORE?!?!?!

* Well there’s a bit detailed blood, is this gonna be gritty?

* Ok what the fuck is happening

* MIKEY WHAT

* OH NO

* Oh no I hate time travel plots uuuggghhhhh

* There’s gone be hella second hand embarrassment, huh?

* Art style is looking HELLA good tho

* How are future!Casey and Cassandra!Casey gonna interact?

* Calling it now, Raph’s gonna die and that’s why future!Leo tells future!Casey “not everything is about you”

* Yay it’s the worm and the Hippo!!

* Sick ass chase scene

* Always here for big brother Raph content

* Leo you little shit

* Ayy April!!

* WTF THE DESK POSE HAHAHA

* I love women using their wits for mischief

* Bro DO NOT walk up behind someone in the dark tf

* Oh no poor kids gonna be throwing straight gasoline onto the fire that is Leo’s ego

* At least now Leo’s gonna have to be responsible over someone right?

* Ok introduction was not nearly as second-hand embarrassing as I thought it would be, good

* Why do the Foot Clan insist on causing problems?

* SICK ASS FIGHT SCENE!!

* THE KRANG CAN TAKE MAGIC?!??? OH NO

* OH FUCK PLZ DONT KILL RAPH

* OH FUVK SPLINTER?????

* Why not escape pod just Splinter?

* RAPH N O

* OH FUCK

* OMG HES ALIVE YEAHHHH

* oh I loooovvvve the art style <3<3<3

* OH HELL MIND READING

* Damn this is dark

* God, I love Donnie

* Indeed it is Mikey, the future is harsh

* “Were”? I mean I was kinda thinking something happens to Donnie since he didn’t show up in the beginning but “WERE”??????

* HE SAID “ARE” FOR MIKEY DONNIE FUCKING DIES

* Wait I thought the turtle tank thing was 3D animated, is it stop motion?? That’s so cool

* APRIL SPLINTER RUN

* DONNIE???

* Oh it’s only gonna get worse isn’t it???????

* Chekhov’s mysterious government acid

* Uh oh, the turtles are split up even more

* Fuck I knew they die

* Casey’s being a bit harsh tho, this is Leo before YEARS of growth of course he’s gonna be inexperienced in leading

* Oh I love the art style 🥰

* Ayy teamwork

* God, Mikey’s naivety HURTS to watch LIKE BUDDY U’RE GONNA GET HURT

* RAPH

* OH NO MIND CONTROL

* OH FUCK ITS WORSE

* I’m gonna need so much fluffy content after this goddamn ;-;

* Man “portal opening over New York City” sure is a popular trope

* Plz tell me Raph finds a way to resist the Krang’s influence oh please oh pleas e

* Well that is some mass destruction

* CINEMATIC PEP TALK AYYYYY

* I will never get over ROTTMNT’s visuals they’re SO GOOD

* as cool as this Casey is, WHERE is the other one??

* I’m kinda surprised how well they’re balancing the dark/serious stuff with the comedy

* Yo is that the construction site from the first episode? Nice callback

* Yay for Donnie trying to conquer his fear, but ain’t that gonna Krang-ify him too? Like the direct contact gonna infect him

* Donnie you better not fucking die with your shell exposed

* He is a spaceship

* Ah yes Leo, the moment of realization

* Damn this movie goes HARD

* OH LEO HE TRUSTS RAPH SO MUCH AHHHHHHH

* RAPH BREAK OUT OF IT

* HE’S BACK!!!

* NO LEO

* AYYYY LEO BEING A LEADER LET’S GO!!!!!!

* THEY SAID IT!!!!!! THEY SAID THE THING!!!!!!!!

* Oh everything’s ok now, they’re gonna win

* It’s all uphill from here <3

* Oh shit

* Death

* Or not

* Oh is Mikey gonna get his magic hands??

* OH THEY’RE COMBINING THEIR POWERS!!

* It didn’t work?

* GET EM

* Oh not the left behind brother again

* Damn there’s still 20 minutes left?

* Oh boy

* Oh he gonna sacrifice himself

* THE SWORDS ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE HE BETTER TELEPORT BACK I STG

* FUCKING TAKE THE KEY CASEY

* not the fucking “catchphrase” that’s so Leo 😭

* OH NOT THE PICTURE AHHHH

* OH NO LEO

* HES CRYING

* KID IS WHAT, 15??? POOR BOY 😭😭😭

* No, no, no bring him back Casey!!! Use the swords!!!

* MIKEYYYY

* GET YOUR BROTHER BACK

* GET HIM GET HIM GET HIM GET HIM

* MIKEY LET’S GOOOOO!!!!!

* Oh they’re ok now 😭😭

* Except April & Splinter still have that deranged Krang

* Oh got encased in chemicals, good

* This is really cute, but I’m still confused about the other Casey

* THERE SHE IS

* TEXT

* Glad she was out kicking ass too 🥰

* Wish we could’ve saw it tho

* YAYYYY BACK TO SILLY STUFF!!

* The end <3

* Good movie 👍

#rottmnt #rottmnt movie #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #live blogging #rottmnt spoilers #rottmnt movie spoilers

48 notes · View notes

thedawningofthehour · 1 year

Note

1- I just remembered. Did leo ask Big mama about mind control/memory alteration methods before he left? Now that they know Draxum did something to donnie to make him forget, they should be doing as much research as possible on the subject. I know they are busy dealing with how they will bring him home first, but they should also be thinking about what they will do once they have him there. Besides, Splinter knows that Big mama is someone who knows 100% about that stuff.

Oh, oh oh! Mikey could go to Witch town with April to investigate! That way Mikey could learn about her mystical potential and April could get her mystical bat.

2- I've thought a lot about your theory about how the council of heads are actually Utrom and it makes a lot of sense! The way they project images looks a lot like what you would see on a spaceship! OH MY GOD! WHAT IF THE HEADS ARE ACTUALLY GIANT FUCKING MECHA!!? There are many ways this could play out and how they ended up in charge. My idea is that they could have been explorers who had been sent to find new conquerable planets, arrived on earth, and for reasons X, Y and Z ended up getting attached, but because they didn't report back in a long time their superiors got suspicious and became aware of earth, and so the heads decided to form a defense, created the Yōkai (by accident) and the four warriors along with the key. And because they were no longer part of the Krang they adopted the name of their ancestors: the Utrom.

I think the prophecy Draxum mentions is about the Krang, and the heads know it. That is why they are not so concerned about humans, and it is also the reason why they will be furious with Draxum when he starts his war. Heads: WE BREAK OUR ASSES FACING THE KRANG TO SAVE THE LIVES OF THIS PLANET AND THEN YOU COME! (They are a bit assholes, but all governments are to some extent). Also I don't think they are the only ones who knows, does anyone else find it strange that the E.P.F. came so fast to metro tower when no one knew what was going on there? Don't mind me, I just think it would be cool if Bishop and the heads are colluding somehow (even if Bishop isn't an Utrom).

2- I'm developing an AU, where Draxum and Splinter co-parenting, and Raph is going to have two cute crime against nature puppies. I just finish their desings yesterday. I just wish i could write as fast as i desing.

He did not, but to be fair if he thought she knew about memory magic he would have expected her to use it on Splinter to win him back. The fact that she hasn't is proof in Leo's mind that she doesn't know as much as she pretends she does. Splinter didn't ask because he's stupid.

Irl, I didn't have them ask because it wasn't what that scene was for and it would clutter up the dialogue to have them constantly asking people about memory magic and consistently get no result. Mystic nonsense with the brain isn't a super well explored area here-it's a very risky field and with a lot of varying results, because brains. Most people would not know of the procedure that Draxum used.

That's a pretty likely interpretation! Furthermore, was it straight-up confirmed that a Krang gave Saki the dark armor? Because the whole 'Shredder is the actual thing the prophecy was talking about' gets a new layer of irony with that.

I mean, it's ironic in the first place considering that the Yokai were essentially 'born' from Krang blood. (or corpse juice or whatever the fuck empyrean is supposed to be)

Were the EPF there during the movie? I know they showed up right at the end but the invasion was implied to take place over an entire day. If the EPF had an outpost or their headquarters nearly-which New York, they almost certainly did-showing up a few hours afterwards isn't much of a surprise. Especially considering it was not at all a secret-we see that people were posting shit on social media en masse and a reporter fucking dies live on air. Honestly, they were fucking slow.

#doth asks

10 notes · View notes

nrrrdgrrrl2002 · 1 year

Text

Just saw an absolutely twisted 2012 theory on twitter

What if the Donnie april “revived” in power inside her isn’t the real Donnie?

Their idea was that the Donnie post power inside her is a construct built by how april remembered and thought about Donnie.

I think that’d cause too many memory gaps for don for the others not to notice so I’m expanding it to “april subconsciously used her memories of Donnie AND Leo, raph, Mikey and Casey’s (who were near her at the time) to rebuild him in a sense”

This means Donnie would still have memory gaps, but it wouldn’t be nearly so severe so it could brushed off as “he just forgot”

This would also explain how april was able to reconstruct him “perfectly” from atoms. She didn’t.

A lot of his organs just aren’t there cause april probably wasn’t thinking about how exactly something like a spleen needed to be built when she was trying to bring Donnie back out of grief.

Donnies basically working on Olaf rules where Aprils powers are keeping him alive, so if she dies or loses her powers, bye bye don.

He is made with SOME of real Donnie’s atoms, but, yknow, april isn’t a super genius. She was never going to be able to perfectly reconstruct him from atoms that quickly, so a lot of Donnie is substituted with psychic glue and other peoples perspectives and memories of him.

Does this make this new Donnie real? Would the others ever find out about this? Who knows, buts it’s good angst fuel.

#tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2012 donatello #tmnt 2012 april

6 notes · View notes

alostnarrator · 10 months

Text

To Save Yourself- Chapter 3: Lightning in a Bottle

Summary:

Brotherly bonding? Brotherly bonding. Also nick names because I said so.

Universe: 2012

Day: 2

A gentle hand ghosted over his back as Mikey heaved. Footsteps retreated and when they returned a bucket was placed by his head. The purple and green figure worked around his shaking form. Once Mikey’s trembling stopped and he could breathe again the mystery person picked him up and set him back in the bed. Soft, light blankets covered as the cold of the sewers set back in. Mikey felt like he was floating in an unpleasant fog.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Donnie fucked up, he knew that. His hands shook as he sobbed quietly in Mikey’s old room. He should’ve done something, should’ve said something. But he just stood there paralyzed, useless while he watched his outraged brothers nearly kill… Well, he wasn’t their Mikey… So, Micheal would suffice for now. But when he watched Raph slam the unconscious turtle’s head into the concrete he snapped back to reality.

This wasn’t what he wanted, he just wanted everyone to know the truth, so they could work on swapping their brothers back. When Mikey bolted Leo and Raph looked so broken for a moment, too bad that moment was ruined by the two storming out of the room. And now here he was, sitting on a chair watching over Micheal to make sure he’d be able to patch him up once he awoke. Dark bruises from the twins, shallow cuts from leo, all of it made Donnie gag. The teen knew deep down that even from another dimension that this was still his little brother.

‘ If only it was me ’ A dark part of him whispered, vainly seeking to be the one whisked away somewhere new. He felt like he was drowning, the constant threats, the dismissive comments, everyone expecting him to have a fix for everything. Sometimes it felt as though his brothers only kept him around for his tech.

It was hours before Micheal stirred, the tacky clock on the nightstand now reading 7 pm, dear gods, he’s awake for over a day? And to think, this all started a day earlier, a mear 14 hours ago. Grabbed his medkit as he stood, a headache made itself known. Donnie would take meds later, for now Micheal was all that mattered. As his eyes swept over Micheal’s curled up form he felt a strong urge to fall to his knees and beg for a forgiveness he doesn’t deserve. But for now, he’d have to be professional.

“Micheal?” He asked softly, keeping a small distance between him and the shorter turtle. The smaller flinched, and his eyes opened slowly.

“Hmm?” A croaking humm was all Donnie was given.

“How old are you?” He asked as he began pulling out bandages, antiseptic, and other items he’d need for this. With a weak voice Mikey rasped out “Fifteen.” The items Donnie had been holding clattered to the floor. Fifteen? He was younger than Donnie expected. Hastily Donnie scooped up the dropped items and resumed his task.

“Tell me about your brothers”

- - - - - - - - - - -

Mikey had a hard time speaking properly as he numbly talked about his family. His words slurred together, his tongue lagging behind his brain. Mikey flinched hard every time Don reapplied the cleaning thing to the small cuts on his bicep. Upon Don’s instruction he held an ice pack to his face, the coldness numbed his loose tooth. The fog over his mind and the kind way Don was treating him made him feel like a little kid again. His lip began to wobble as he sniffled.

“Awh jeez Michael.” Don muttered, the name only bringing Mikey more homesickness. “It’ll be ok kid. We’ll get you all fixed up, and you’ll be good as new by the time we figure out how to get you home.” The mention of home rendered Mikey mute, his eyes glazed and Don stopped trying to get him to talk.

“I should’ve kept you awake,” Don said more to himself than anything, “I can’t be too sure you don’t have a concussion. Stars, Splinter would have my head if you just up and died on us.” Don trailed off, muttering through a rant. Mikey caught words here and there, but the harder he tried to listen, the harder it was to think. His body slumped forwards onto Don, and after a moment of hesitation sturdy arms wrapped around him.

Don cocooned Mikey in some blankets, and picked him up. “Sorry Michael,” He whispered gently when Mikey whined in protest, “I need to keep you awake for a while.” The lair was silent as Don carried a grumpy Mikey in his arms into the cold lab. With Mikey placed safely into a comfy chair, Don messed with some controls on the wall, and Mikey melted happily as the lab started to warm. Most of his brothers preferred having the lair be warmer, Donnie being the one who was fine either way. Mikey, Raph, and especially Leo had enjoyed it when Donnie converted an unused room into a heated one. A large heat lamp, heating pads they could fully spread out on, and plenty of soft -fire resistant- blankets and pillows making the room a staple during winter.

“So Michael,” Don said timidly, a hopeful tint to his voice that sounded so genuine it almost hurt, “I’d like to get to know you… I can’t possibly begin to make up for how badly I fucked up yesterday… But alternate or not, you’re still my brother, and it’s my job to take care of you.” Don said with a determined look.

“Wh-what? Who told you that?” Mikey said clearly, his mind suddenly painfully clear.

“What do you mean?”

“Don, you’re a kid . Sure, look after your family, but you shouldn’t have to take care of anyone when there’s an adult to help do that!” Suddenly Dr. Feelings were up in arms about the idea these teens were relying on each other solely for care, and just being trained by their father… If this Splinter even was their dad here. Mikey hadn’t considered that.

“Don… Is Splinter your dad here?” He was horrified when Don nodded. But Dr. Positive wouldn’t let this drag things down. With how Don said it, it really sounded like he wanted to fix things.

Don grabbed a small flat headed screwdriver, tinkering with a little mouse robot to stop his leg from bouncing. Mikey smiled softly again, glad to have a reason to. Sitting here in the lab, watching while Do- his new brother… yeah that felt right, his new brother tinkered. Mikey encouraged Don to tell him about his latest findings, reveling in the way Don LIT UP. A grin nearly split Don’s face in two as he jumped up out of his chair. He shook with glee as he pulled out papers and blueprints.

Mikey drifted into a comfortable haze while he watched Don wave his hands around, adding a familiar dramatic emphasis to his words. Mikey found himself understanding more than he thought he would, and he thanked Donnie for that. The spotted turtle was more than happy to bond with Don, he could see that Don just wanted to be heard when he outed Mikey. Don had meant well, and with how he was treated by the others- Mikey had a good guess Don wasn’t very happy with the family dynamics here either.

Mikey mulled this over in his head. ‘ I could take him with me when I go back ''. He had already decided other him wasn’t coming back here, no way in hell was it safe enough. He’d take beating after beating until the day he could return if it meant saving his two new brothers, Don and.. And… Well, they’d both need new names…

“Tesla and Benny.” He tried out, ‘ Benvenuto’ he said in his head, the name he remembered from an art exhibit he and April went to. The golden statues were haunting and odd, yet beautiful.

Don- ‘ Tesla ’ he corrected himself- didn’t seem to hear as he kept rambling with his back turned. Donnie had offered Mikey his extra ticket to a science convention when April had to back out. They had won tickets to a tesla coil show when Mikey managed to ride a motorcycle all the way around an iron sphere cage. The point, Donnie explained, was to show off how sometimes speed could make something defy gravity.

The tesla coil show was jaw dropping. Mikey and Donnie had front row seats to watch and listen to the huge bolts of electricity jump from coil to coil. The operator demonstrated how it could make music, and Mikey had immediately fallen in love with the concept. For his birthday last year Donnie made him an itty bitty version that made cute beeps and boops in its glass cage.

Snapping back to the present Mikey wormed his arms out of the blankets he was wrapped in. Tesla turned to him, holding out the mouse from before. It was simple, and cute. The design was highly reminiscent of a cartoon mouse, and Mikey found himself cooing over it as it regarded it curiously.

“Awhhhh, dang bro! You’re seriously talented, yaknow that?” Mikey glanced up at him, and Tesla grinned back at him. “You really think so?” Tesla blushed, clearly unused to the praise. Mikey made up his mind there and then, he wasn’t ready to forgive yet, but this IS his brother and he’d be damned if he didn’t try his hardest to convince Tesla to come with him.

“Uhm YEAH!” He jumped up, cupping the mouse in one hand, throwing his other arm over Tesla’s shoulders in a hug. “By the way dude-” He started, but was cut off by the door loudly opening. In a sudden panic Mikey retreated into his shell fully, leaving Tesla to scramble to catch the little mouse-bot. To Mikey’s luck he didn’t see a pair of wrapped turtle feet, but instead he saw two heavy boots.

“Heyyyy D.” A sickeningly familiar voice said in a singsong voice. Mikey risked a look upwards and nearly jumped out of his shell. ‘ Oh SHIT ’ he panicked, standing in the doorway of the lab was a painfully attractive human guy. He reeked of “rebel persona” and Mikey wasn’t surprised to find himself attracted to it.

“Oh… uhm, hi Casey...”

WHAT?!

He was crushing over- CASEY? No wonder the mask on his head was so familiar. Mikey scolded himself, even if Casey wasn’t related to them he was still basically their brother in his world. He felt disgusting, but it didn’t last long. Instead, it was replaced with fear when he heard Casey ask, “Hey, who’s shell is on the floor?” Mikey was insanely grateful when Tesla rushed Casey out of the lab, saying his shell was a prototype of a robot exoskeleton.

Mikey only popped out when the lab doors were closed and firmly locked. Tesla ran a hand over his face, and groaned. “I haven’t had nearly enough coffee for this. You ok Michael? Looking a little freaked out over there.” Mikey considered deflecting, but he really wanted to earn Tesla’s trust. Honesty, he decided to go with honesty.

“Sorry- Just panicked… Your Casey is really… nice looking?” He refused to say the other word that came to mind. Tesla gaped for a moment before he lit up for a second time today. “You too?” He whispered.

“What?” Mikey asked, not wanting to make assumptions. Tesla rubbed his neck and looked around, checking to make sure no one was hiding in the lab.

“I… Well, I’ll be honest with you because I want us to be able to trust each other.” He refused to meet Mikey’s eyes. “I’m… well I don’t know what I am… I know I’m Ace-” Mikey let out a laugh and tackled Tesla in a hug. “Woah-” Tesla started laughing as well, “Y-yeah, pfft hahah, Ace and Bi… does” Tesla struggled to explain between his laughs, “Does that make sense?” Mikey nodded furiously, smiling widely and he explained that he was Pan. Tesla looked overjoyed to have Mikey’s acceptance on this.

Time seemed to fly by as they bonded, this time things being easier with the understanding they had come to. Topics like preferences came up (Tesla liked either but realized a friend of his made him lean away from girls a bit more), favorite music (Mikey loved city-pop, but hip hop was amazing too!), and Tesla revealed that their Mikey came out as gender fluid a few months ago. Mikey was happy to know Tesla had been there for Benny, and laughed a little when he heard about how Raphael had shoved a bag of various feminine and masculine clothing items at Benny before running off.

He got Tesla to fall to the ground in a heap of laughter when he regaled him with the story about how he and Leo went to Run Of The Mill Pizza and how Leo tried, and miserably failed, to get someone to fall for one of his pickup lines. Tesla especially liked hearing about how Hueso threatened to ban Leo if he kept harassing his customers.

“Pfft that’s nothing!” Tesla cackled, “Leo’s heads over heels for this chick, Karai-” Mikey spat out the tea Tesla had made for him.

“KARAI??” He nearly screamed, Tesla got a weird look on his face.

“Yeah, why? What is she some sort of psychopath in your world?” Mikey had to remind himself that Tesla had no idea what he was saying.

“No- In my world Karai is my great great great great great great great great..” Mikey dramatically gasped in another breath, “great great great great great great great GRANDMA.” He flung himself backwards onto a cushioned chair, throwing a dramatic hand over his forehead. If this were a cartoon, Mikey was pretty sure Tesla’s jaw would be on the floor. Mikey waited with baited breath for Tesla’s reaction and nearly fell out of his chair in relief when Tesla started cackling like a mad man.

“BWAHAHAHAH THIS IS GOLD !” He doubled over, holding his middle while he laughed, “Just wait until I tell L-” The moment suddenly ended, Tesla now sullen over the divide between him and his brothers. But a new fire sparked to life behind his eyes, and Mikey could see the way he rolled his shoulders to brush off the thoughts. He was proud of how hard Tesla was trying to prove his sincerity, but at the same time Mikey didn’t want Tesla to suffer in silence over such a devastating loss.

“Hey, Tesla- you don’t mind if I call you that, right?” Mikey added that last part for clarity's sake. Tesla shook his head but otherwise remained quiet, a sign for Mikey to continue. “It’s ok to miss how things used to be. You don’t have to pretend not to wish there wasn’t this new gap between you all.” Dr. Feelings made his appearance, Tesla comically baffled by how Mikey was suddenly wearing glasses and a soft sweater. Mikey took off the glasses and smile fondly at Tesla. He pulled over a wooden crate and used it to level them out. With the new height Mikey bonked his head against Tesla’s, causing them both to laugh softly.

“We’ve got each other until things can get fixed!” Mikey stuck his tongue out at Tesla.

“Thanks Michael…”

“Donnie? Who the hell is this?” A high pitched, feminine voice questioned.

‘ Awe shit ’ Mikey thought ‘ Here we go again. ’

1 note · View note

well-its-not-human-anymore · 3 years

Note

Hi! Could I get HC from the guys? 👀 How they would always react to catching the reader seeing them "badly", in addition to the fact that he usually avoids them, but with his brothers it is incredible and they feel bad because they think they do not like him. But she actually likes them and she looks at them like that because she "studies" them to draw them and she is too clumsy and shy to talk to them, that's why she ends up avoiding them. Until finally he catches her drawing them with lots of hearts or maybe they'll find her notebook with lots of portraits of them.

It's kind of funny because when I study people to draw them, they think that I look at them with hatred xd maybe I should increase my glasses prescription

God, glasses are such a pain in the ass but I have to wear them. If I don't anyone within my near vicinity doesn't have a face. But why they gotta get dirty so easily???? Makes me wanna explode or something

TMNT Headcanons

The boys w/ a quiet reader who is fine with his brothers but acts cold around him and stares a lot

Michaelangelo

mikey couldn't describe his disappointment upon realizing that you didn't want to be friends with him

well, you never actually said that to him

but he was pretty sure it was the case

you'd never made an effort to be friends with him

stared at him an awful lot though, but there was always something off about your gaze when you looked at him

like you were sizing him up, scrutinizing him, like he was an opponent

it kinda worried him

to add to that, you didn't even attempt to look embarrassed when he caught you staring

you'd just stare harder

on your end it was quite the opposite

you always found the brothers fascinating and you LOVED studying their anatomy, you'd confessed this to Donnie early on and he happily indulged in your questions

and you loved how easily you got along with the boys

well, except for Mikey

but it wasn't for a lack of trying

whenever the orange sporting turtle came around your normally flamboyant personality crept back into its little corner and hid

any words of excitement that had previously been with you died in your throat

for the longest time you didn't understand it

and you hated not understanding things, so you turned to your only outlet

that's how you ended up with an entire sketchbook full of the youngest brother in vastly different styles and poses

you had a separate book for the others, none of them as detailed as this

and when you stared to analyze you'd fallen into a habit of not looking away when caught

by your logic, if you stared back hard enough he'd look away first or just assume you'd zoned out

he didn't

and on one hectic day you'd left your sketchbook open on the kitchen table in your rush to get to work

you hadn't even noticed the slip up until Leo texted you to let you know during your shift

instant panic

in truth, Mikey was the one who discovered the book upon waking up from his nap and he'd spent the next three hours analyzing every drawing

when you finally dropped in after work to grab your book the turtle was waiting for you with it in hand

he'd asked you if you hated him

you told him no and accepted your sketchbook from him

he was relieved and screaming excitedly, just in his head

"Do you maybe wanna hang out sometime?"

You sighed in relief and nodded

"If you're cool with it- you don't think I'm weird do you?"

"I mean- you are talking to a turtle..."

you lightly shoved his chest and smiled, although it faded within a second

"Oh hush, 10 o'clock tomorrow? I'll bring snacks."

he was so stunned he could only shoot you finger guns in approval

Donatello

Donnie genuinely couldn't understand your unease around him

he'd followed all the proper expectations of holding a conversation

he was polite and engaging

so why wouldn't you talk to him?

this boy has read so many social blogs to try and figure out what he was doing wrong and he just couldn't put his finger on it

you were fine with the rest of his brothers, you'd stay up for hours laughing and gaming with them

you'd even sat still long enough to listen to Leo explain some old Japanese myth that he'd read about in a book

but with him it was always a quick, cordial greetings and farewells with bland small talk in between

Donnie had picked up pretty quickly that you weren't interested in any sort of interaction with him

and he convinced himself that that was okay

but that didn't explain the staring

he'd caught you in the act several times, eyes narrowed and locked on him

especially when you were alone with him in a room or just in the lair

the poor turtle just couldn't put his finger on it

then he caught you drawing, he noticed early on that you always carried a small sketchbook on your person but he didn't think much of it

and it wasn't so much that he caught you drawing, in fact, he wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't snapped at him while he was trying to do a sudoku puzzle

"Damn it Donnie! Stop moving! If I fuck this arm up one more time I'm gonna decompose!"

he'd quickly moved back into the position he was in prior

"sorry?"

but you'd gone silent again, occasionally glancing up from your work and running your eyes along his frame before looking down again

nearly twenty minutes later Donnie had finished the puzzle and it seemed as though you had finished your drawing

"Uh- can I ask what are you-"

"I'm drawing you but you kept moving your arm and making me mess up. You always do that when I draw you so every damn picture I have of you stays a sketch because you always come out looking like a fucking octopus."

He just stared

"Sorry, I uh- I didn't mean to explode on you like that. I'm just- I'm really bad at talking to you okay? It's so easy with everyone else but you've just gotta be so damn smart all the time and I worry that you'll think I'm boring so I just... don't talk to you?"

Donnie is stunned™

You refuse to show him the drawing until you can complete the line art and color it

But at least he knows that you don't hate him

Leonardo

To be completely honest Leo didn't mind that you were distant from him

You created an aura of calm when you were around and you always managed to distract his brothers while you were present

And he enjoyed the alone time

But after a few months that calm acceptance turned into jealousy

Not that he would ever admit it

He would just push it off and ignore it, that usually seemed to work

So why wasn't it?

And your obvious staring problem didn't help at all

Leo didn't spend much time considering his appearance but something about your gaze made him self conscious

And he hated that with a passion

Why was it that you could hold entire debates with his siblings? Even his dad for gods sake. You'd have hour long conversations on almost everything but whenever he tried to say hello you'd make up some lame ass excuse and scamper away

He just wanted an explanation

It appeared that the answer resided in your sketchbook

You'd left it open on the couch when Raph had called you away to spar with him

Leo very delicately flipped through the pages, careful not to disturb some of the polaroid pictures of his brothers

He was admittedly surprised to find pictures of himself among the pages

One of him in a handstand, another of him meditating, there was even one of him mid sneeze that you'd recreated with pencil and paper

The image of his eyes was the most startling, but the book held no polaroid of his eyes

You drew them from memory

And he was shocked when you returned to the room and didn't immediately panic

But that might have been because he didn't try to withhold your book from you

"It took me three months to color them, your eyes. I could never get the shade of blue just right."

"I'm gonna be honest with you y/n, I really thought you didn't like me."

You had the nerve to roll your eyes and follow it with a laugh

"I don't. I mean- I do but no, you just remind me a lot of myself and I haven't exactly figured out why yet. I thought that maybe if I drew you it'd be easier to figure you out..."

"Well did it help?"

You grinned

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?"

Raphael

If there was one thing Raph hated it was not understanding something that was right in front of him

which is ironic, as a much younger version of himself probably couldn't care less

and a part of him wishes he didn't care about it so much

he wishes that your blatant avoidance of him didn't upset him

but shit, it got under his skin better than any needle ever could

was it too much to ask for you to just tell him what he said or did wrong?

was he asking too much of you?

but on the same scale you'd never shown obvious dislike towards him, you were never rude and you sure as hell didn't talk shit about him to his brothers

you got along great with them

in fact it was getting more difficult to remember a time before you became a part of his family

he'd become so used to your presence that it no longer put him off when he found you hanging around the lair

but in another sense he was certain that you hadn't spoken more than three sentences to him in your time knowing him or his family

so what was the reason

several months in he finally caught onto the staring, your narrow, glassy gaze locked onto his body and refusing to look away

he stared right back at you

this annoyed you for several reasons

because within five seconds your very peaceful drawing session had turned into a staring contest and your eyes were getting VERY dry

then you exhaled in a half-sigh and looked back down at your paper

"Huh, I guess your head is more of an oblong shape..."

he took offense to this

"What tha' hell is that supposed t'mean?"

now your eyes held more of an amused silent judgement, you begrudgingly held up your sketchbook

"I'm drawing you, you fucking walnut."

"Oh..."

now you rolled you eyes and tossed the book to him, he nearly dropped it and fumbled with the pages

your annoyance was quickly growing

"Careful with that."

He flipped through the pages at a snails pace, assumingly because he couldn't quite believe what he was seeing

you had some real talent

when he looked back up at you he was wearing that crooked smile

"and here I was thinkin' that my eyes were just green."

Hope I was able to get this down pretty well! I really enjoyed writing this one! Thanks for the patience!

-Mars 🌠

#tmnt bayverse #tmnt headcanons #tmnt x reader #writing blog #writing requests #askbox #ask response #tmnt leonardo #tmnt donatello #tmnt raphael #tmnt michelangelo

356 notes · View notes

nostalgiaruinedme · 3 years

Text

I have done the first prompt: Losing their Temper. Read on Ao3 here, or beneath the “read more”

Takes place directly after the events of 2012 Season 4 Episode 5: Riddle of the Ancient Aeons

We see Raph lose his temper plenty of times, that's old news. So for this prompt, I decided to explore the aftermath of one of those times... Specifically, when he accidentally pushed Mikey and caused his helmet to shatter.

Shattered Glass

The sound of it still rang through Raphael's mind, right behind his own enraged yelling. Mikey's terrified face, eyes wide and panicked as he gasped for air he didn't realize he hadn't lost, struggling this way and that. The edges of glass framing his face, and Raph's own outstretched hand. He was helpless to do anything but watch.... to do anything but watch and regret.

It had happened hours ago without consequence. Mikey had been fine, just panicking from the expectation of death, not anything that his body was actually reacting too. The air was breathable... and Raph didn't know what he would've done if it wasn't.

Still, it was all he could think about.

He tossed and turned, thankful for the darkness of the room that covered the reflective surfaces. Fugitoid kept his ship clean and polished, the silver of the metal so bright some days it hurt his eyes. Tonight, he couldn't bare to stare at his own reflection. He'd rather die. He needed the darkness to hide everything, to hide his own tear stained face he'd deny ever having.

Mikey was fine. That was what he told himself, over and over. It didn't matter that he lost his temper. It didn't matter that he pushed him. It didn't matter than he nearly killed his own baby brother. It didn't matter. Because Mikey was okay, Mikey was alive and sleeping in the room next door, and Mikey was breathing. He hadn't died.

Raph squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pretend it really didn't matter.

"Mikey is fine," He whispered, ignoring the shaking in his voice. It wasn't there. It just wasn't. "Mikey's fine."

But what if he hadn't been? For all they had known at the time, the planet's air was toxic. With the blood red skies and demons living underneath the accursed clouds, that kind of air really would've made more sense. Raph knew that. He knew that, and he still shoved him. Raph still screamed, and for Mikey's tiny mistake, shoved him as hard as he could until he fell straight onto that rock, and the glass of his helmet hadn't been strong enough to survive the fall.

Maybe it was actually Fugitoid's fault. Surely, he should have made sure their suits were durable with indestructible helmets. After all, anything could happen in space! Yes, it was definitely Fugitoid's fault.

Raph huffed out a breath of humorless laughter. As if he could believe that stupid blame-shifting lie for even a second.

It was Raphael who hadn't stopped to think about the consequences that attacking his little brother could bring. It was he who hadn't realized how fragile life really was. It was he who had let the passionate fire inside him grow even stronger than usual. The planet's curse had dumped jet fuel on it, bringing that blazing heat from a constant flame to a raging forest fire before he even realized it was happening. Sure, it had affected everyone like that... but he could've fought it, he could've if he tried. He hadn't, he had embraced the rage, and that had nearly cost Mikey his life.

Raph shoved his pillow over his face, and screamed. It was safer to do that here than at home in the lair; the Fugitoid's ship's walls were soundproof. And even if they weren't, the constant hum and buzz of the ship's engines would cover up the noise nicely. He screamed louder.

What if the Aeon's planet's air had been toxic? Raph shook his head to himself; that was another null question. If it had truly been unbreatheable, he would have taken off his own helmet and shoved it onto Mikey's head, aeon rage be damned. He'd suffocate himself if he had too... Raph would never take his brother's life, not even on accident. He wouldn't. He couldn't.

It didn't matter if, in the moment it had happened, he had frozen. It didn't matter that he had felt like he was dying right alongside of Mikey. It didn't matter that he wasn't sure if he could have moved a muscle if he tried. It didn't matter. He wouldn't have let him die.

The turtle jumped out of his cot, nearly banging his head on the bunk above him. It was Casey's bed; the two shared a room. However, tonight he had elected to sleep somewhere else. If Raph had bothered to ask him where he was going, Casey would've said April's room, even if they both knew he was really going to Donnie's. For once, Raphael really didn't care.

"Damn it!" He shouted, kicking the bottom of the metal bunk as hard as he could. "Damn it!" He kicked it again, and again, and again. His foot throbbed, and he kicked it again anyways.

His damn anger. His damn strength. If he had thought he had hated himself in the past for roughing Mikey up too much, for pushing their games just a little too far, well... that past Raphael knew nothing of the self hatred that he felt now. He almost wished that the air had actually been toxic, so he could've given his helmet away and suffocated himself. That was the fate he'd nearly given his brother, and that was the fate he deserved now.

He tried, he really did, to ease up on his self hatred. Raph even made one brief and half hearted attempt at convincing himself it wasn't his fault; it was the Aeon's. It was their rage that spurred him on, corrupted his thoughts and actions. Look, even Leo had been affected! Surely, it was unfair to expect him to fight it that early on if even Leo couldn't. Right? Right?

Never mind that he already pushed and shoved Mikey all the time without the planet's help. Never mind he was that rough already. Never mind shoving Mikey over when he annoyed him was a simple action he'd already done dozens of times in the past.

He clenched his jaw, squeezed his eyes shut, and repeated that damned mantra over and over again in his mind.

It didn't matter. It didn't matter at all. It didn't matter that he knew that that same scenario could have easily played out with only his own natural rage to help. It didn't matter that he didn't believe any of the shit he thought up to try to comfort himself. It didn't matter.

"Damn it!"

Raphael punched the bedframe, and growled when it didn't move. Damn the metal for being a part of the ship itself. Damn the metal for being too strong to fall over. He punched it again, and again, and again, until he found himself wondering if this much pain in your hand was normal. Maybe he had broken it. He punched the metal once again for good measure, and then crumpled to the ground in pain, mental and physical.

Breath coming out in pants and gasps, he hugged his knees tightly, and tried to pretend he couldn't feel the tears falling down his face now. His fingers and knuckles throbbed, the green of his skin turning to the painful purplish-brown that came with the bruises, and he tried to move his fingers experimentally. Wincing, he pushed that injury aside to deal with another time; it didn't matter anyways. It didn't matter.

His hands found their way to the tails of his mask, and he ripped it from his face without a second thought. Raph threw it across the room as hard as he could, and buried his face in his knees. Maybe one day, he'd figure out how to shut his mind up and lock away the memories.

"Woah, dudes, we can breathe air here! Sweet!"

Mikey's voice still rang through his mind. He had never sounded so relieved. Raph clenched his jaw; his brother was relieved he hadn't murdered him. It didn't matter that he saved him multiple times later on in the journey. He couldn't undo that first fight, so it didn't matter.

Once they got back on the ship, Mikey had hugged him once, his way of telling Raph all was okay, and that there were no hard feelings. But then he left, and he hadn't spoken a word to him for the rest of the day. Raphael tried to talk to him, to get him alone to apologize, but Mikey avoided him. The way his wide eyes searched for an escape when he asked to speak to him, the way he mumbled a half-assed excuse about helping Donnie out with one thing or another... Raph's stomach turned at the thought. Forgiveness was a given, but forgetting was something else entirely. Mikey was avoiding him.

The worst part was, he couldn't even blame him.

The hum of the ship shifted. A slight noise, one that most would never notice, but Raph had spent month's worth of quiet nights alone. He knew that sound all too well; it was nearly their waking period, and the ship was adjusting to send more power to the utilities and machines they'd be likely to use during the day. Everyone would awaken soon, Fugitoid was definitely out of his sleep mode and chances were Leo was getting up too.

Raph inhaled deeply, rubbing at his eyes. He hadn't gotten any sleep at all, but it was time for him to leave the room. Maybe Leo would be willing to spar. Leo wouldn't ask questions, and maybe Raph would be able to get in a few good rounds before the pain in his fist became too much to bare and he'd be forced to ask Donnie or Fugitoid for help.

Okay, that was a lie; he definitely wasn't going to ask them for help. But even Leo would notice the way he winced trying to use it, especially if they sparred. Sooner or later, he would be forced to visit one of them, whether he wanted to or not.

So he picked up his mask, and wiped his eyes one more time before tying it around the back of his head tightly, struggling slightly from doing it one handed. The red fabric would hide the darkening circles under his eyes, and the way the skin and scales around them puffed up from the hours spent crying. For all his brothers knew, he had slept fine, and he just wanted an early morning spar. That was it. He could play that part easily.

He rose to his feet, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He opened the door.

And Raphael was fine.

He found Leo within 5 minutes, and Leo had smiled at him, wished him good morning. Raph's stomach twisted in his gut. Instead of thinking about why, he simply challenged his older brother to a spar, and ignored the concerned look his brother shot at him. He ignored the caring "Raph?" that came from his mouth. He ignored the offered help, and pretended he was relieved when the subject was dropped.

Because he was fine.

And it didn't matter.

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2012 #tmnt fanfic #tmnt raphael #angst #hurt no comfort #im not sorry

32 notes · View notes

rottmntquotes · 4 years

Text

A Tragic Coincidence

Maybe, if there had been more time, he could have made it. Maybe, if he had taken two more steps, this wouldn’t be happening. Maybe, if that shot had been blocked, tears wouldn’t be falling like they were. Maybe, if he hadn’t frozen in shock, he wouldn’t be standing here on the edge of a five story building, looking down emotionlessly to the exact spot where this goddamn tragedy occurred.

“You should really be at home right now, Dee.” Donatello made no move to acknowledge Raphael’s presence. In less than a few seconds, Raph was standing next to his genius brother, looking up towards the moon. “Though, I gotta admit that it’s a nice night tonight.”

“Yeah, I always did have a tendency to pick the best times to get upset, huh?” Donnie’s question was sarcastic in every sense of the word, and he shifted on his feet, thinking to himself that one wrong step would determine both of their fates. Of course, the Softshell would never jump; his psyche and love for his family were too strong to let him do such a thing. That didn't stop him from thinking of it, however.

“Lemme guess, nightmare?” Raph asked calmly, turning his head to watch for any tense shift in Donnie’s posture. Thankfully, there was none. Only a silent nod. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly, but knowing you is enough to remind me that I really have no choice.” Donnie sat down midway through his response, Raph following the movement immediately after. “I’m fairly sure you know what it was about, however. The nightmares never change nowadays.”

“Right...” Raph twiddled his thumbs together, the action a bit awkward considering how long his claws had gotten. On any typical day, there would be a loud shout of ‘Hey Raph! Why don’t you go ahead and clip those tiny swords already? You’re gonna kill us, bro!’ and Raph chuckled at the thought. “They really are like tiny swords.”

Donnie hissed at the comment, glaring at Raph with enough malice promise to scare even Draxum. Raph didn’t respond to it, ignoring the act and sighing heavily. It was now clear, Donnie’s reasoning for coming up to this building of all places.

“So, you’re still blaming yourself, hmm?” Raph knew it was best to ask the questions forthright. Avoiding the subject or suggesting things would only make the situation worse. Instead of an answer, Donnie growled, looking back down at the ground. “He isn’t there, Donnie.”

“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?! I WAS THERE, RAPH!” Donnie stood abruptly, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I WAS THERE WHEN HE... when he...”

“When he died.” It wasn’t a question. By this point, it had no need to be. Everyone knew what happened to Leo, and while they were still grieving, they were aware of the fact that it was best to accept the truth. “When we buried him. When we watched his coffin be lowered into the ground. When we all cried, begging for him to come back, and knowing that he wouldn’t. When we stood there all goddamn day with false hope.”

Silence was what Raphael earned in reply, and he let his own tears fall. The sight in itself was enough to make Donnie break down, and he threw himself against his elder brother, pleading for any sort of comfort, no matter how weak it made the genius look. Anything to take the pain away, he reasoned, would be good enough.

“I just... if I... oh god, if I hadn’t... if I had just...” Donnie couldn’t bring himself to say any sort of full sentence, all he could do was let out broken phrases, and he hugged Raph tighter with every one. “If I had moved faster... he wouldn’t have... we wouldn’t be... oh, DAMN IT! If I hadn’t just stood there like some sort of idiot, he would still be here! I could have saved him if I hadn’t frozen like that!”

“You were scared, Don. You were shocked, and didn’t know what to do in such a sudden moment. It’s not your fault.”

“YES IT IS!” Donnie pulled away from Raph, his eyes bloodshot and puffy from crying. It was clear that Donatello truly believed what he was saying, and it hurt Raph in every way imaginable that he was unable to figure out why. “Everything that happened that night was because of ME!”

“Donnie, you weren’t the one who pulled that trigger, you weren’t the one who knocked Leo onto the ground, and you sure as hell weren’t the one who finished the job with Leo’s own weapon. No matter what had happened, whether you had moved fast enough or not, someone would have ended up dying. It was a tragic coincidence that it was Leo, and though we all hate that, you did your best to help him regardless, even when you knew it would be too late. Your best was all you could do.”

“Oh yeah? Then how come my best wasn’t good enough?” Donnie’s glare returned, but it wasn’t nearly as threatening as it had been; if anything, it looked like it was coming from a young, terrified child.

Which wasn’t too far from the truth.

“I can’t answer that Donnie, but I can say that it isn’t fair for you to keep blaming yourself.” Raph’s voice was at a near whisper, and he stood up slowly, drawing Donnie into a hug and ignoring the shouts of protest coming from the Softshell. “It’s okay, Donnie. We’re here for you. We always will be. But now it’s time for you to be there for you as well.”

A soft sob rang through the air, and Raph was unsure of whether it was a sign of agreement, or of reluctant acceptance. Either way, Raph took what he could get, and he walked Donnie back to the lair. Granted, they both would be in loads of trouble when they got back home for having gone out so late, but they had a good excuse to get them out of it.

Though it seemed incredibly horrific that their own brother’s death was a reasonable excuse for their recent misbehavior. Even by a villain’s standards.

#RotTMNT #Rise of the TMNT #This Is A Branch From Sick People Need Rest #Angst #I Rarely Write For Raph #I Hope I Did Well

15 notes · View notes

undercoverwizardninjaturtle · 5 years

Text

Breathe: A TMNT 2003 Fanfiction

Summary: Based on the Sassatello AU “RE-booting His Surroundings” Raph will alwasy be there for his brothers, even if it hurts

Fandom: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2003

Rating: T with mild language and mention of mutilation (seriously ouch)

PAIRINGS: NO

Raph hated to admit his weaknesses

When he found that he couldn’t lift his normal weight from exhaustion, he’d brush it off as not wanting to waste energy. When long healed bones started to ache, he’d grit his teeth and nearly break what ever poor thing he had been holding.

Not even his brothers never knew he about his sleep problems. But it wasn’t that he didn’t sleep, he just hadn’t had a deep sleep in years. Every time he’d lay his head down the smallest noise would send him to his feet with his sai twisted in his hand. Only to find it was something insignificant like one of his motorcycle manuals falling off the shelf or Klunk seeking out a warm place to sleep. Then it’d be another to calm down shoo Klunk out of the room (or begrudgingly let the kitten sleep on his chest) and lay back down. His mind desperate for rest but his body always on pins and needles.

It’s no different tonight

When a strangled gasp reaches him, his body jolts as though shocked. He thrashed for a bit to keep from falling off his chair. Like every other time his eyes search the room for the source of disturbance. But when he finds it, his heart sinks as he remembers why he’s there.

Donnie was already on his elbow as he reached down over the blanket to grasp as his leg. His face twisted in pain as he cries out again. Raph is there a moment later, putting an arm around his brothers already sweaty shoulders, “Donnie I’m here- “

His brother gives out a gasped breath, “I-t It hurts.”

“I know it does man, I know.” Raph rubbed his brothers’ shoulders, but his irritation sky rockets when Don’s bedroom door opens, “Raph is he- “

“No shit dip shit,” He wasn’t’ in the mood to spoon food Leo information. When they had all met up the night before to discuss Don’s problem, Leo had been the first to pull the self-sacrificing “Let me be the wind beneath your wings” attitude that, though well meaning, irritated him to no end. He had known for a fact that though they had agreed to take turns Leo wouldn’t have possibly gotten any sleep knowing one o shift brothers was in distress, “go get some ice, a bowl, and a rag. And Get some of that medicine April brought by.

Leo lingered in the doorway just long enough for Raph to lose patience and chuck a poor book in his direction sending him on his mission. Again, Leo was well meaning but sometimes needed a kick in the ass to move. But now that Leo was gathering what he needed, he could focus on Donnie.

Poor freaking Donnie

If he had said that outload it would have only made Donnie dwindling psyche worsen. HE couldn’t help but glance down Donatello’s legs, maybe a normal person wouldn’t of immediate noticed anything amiss with the gasping pained turtle, but then they’d notice the outline of his left leg and the absence of the other.

Raph still had a hard time believing what happened.

Don’s near second mutation, having to cut off his leg in a desperate attempt to prevent it from happening. …barely a week ago. But these night incidents didn’t start till a few nights ago when Donnie started experiencing something known as “Phantom Limb Pain” where the person would experience the pain as though the limb was still there.

It was just one of the many problems that had arisen in the past week.

The purple masked turtle gave out another gasp of pain, bringing Raph’s attention back to him. he was so focused rubbing his brothers shoddiest that he didn’t hear Leo run back in and leave the asked for items on. Raph dropped the rag in the water before twisting open the pill bottle, “Donnie can you- “

“I’m so sorry.”

Raph froze, he wasn’t sure that Donnie had said anything, but his brother was finally breathing regular again, though hard. His face was pressed hard on his pillow, smothering his quick panicked breaths. He could just feel Leo’s anxiety hovering behind him and wave dim away. Waiting till the bedroom door shut before taking a slow breath.

They had learned the first night that Donnie tend to do worse when people crowded him, even if it was just two of them. Having one person hovering with him was barely tolerable to his dwindling pride. But it was a necessary evil. Raph sat up closer to Don, before finally getting a pill out. Though painkillers hadn’t helped with the limb pain, they had discovered that taking low dosage anti-anxiety pills helped Don calm down enough to fall back to sleep, “Don, yam don’t need to apologize- “

“Oh, I don’t?!” Don looked to him, resting on his forearms with streaming brown eyes, “I don’t need to apologize for having you watch over me in my sleep like a child?! For screaming in the middle in the night and terrifying everyone?! Don’t tell me I don’t need to apologia Raph, because apologizing is the only thing that helps right now.” He turned his head away and pressed his forehead hard on his pillow. Soft sobs began to escape him.

Raph was never one for feeling helpless, there was always someone or some physical barrier he could tear down. Something cathartic to help his own negative feelings to go away. But the truth was, this wasn’t an enemy he could just beat to submission, or a doomsday device he could chuck out a window.

This was his brother

His hurting, little brother

The red masked ninja shifted closer, draping his arm over his brothers shoulders and giving him the best hug, he could without disturbing his brother too much. Resting his cheek on his brothers scalp as he closed his eyes.

The sobs eventually died, and Don’s breathing finally became less frantic. When his brother began to shift around, Raph took it as a cue to release his brother. Donnie rolled onto his shell with his arm draped over his face, “I-I’ll take the medicine now.”

“Thanks.” Raph, for what fell like the umpteenth time, popped out the small pill. Helping his brother up into a leaning position against his chest long enough to take the tablet and drain the rest of cup. Raph took advantage of his brothers thirst to carefully use the wet rag to wash the tear stains from his brothers face, his arm wrapped around his brothers shoulders again to help support his smaller form. After Don finally finished he set the glass aside, Raph half expected Don to roll back onto bed and fall asleep but instead Don leaned more of his weight against him, “I-I ‘m sorry Raphie. I didn’t mean to yell.”

Raph had to bite his lounge to keep from brushing off Don’s apology, in his heart his knew Don had nothing to apologies for. But even so, ‘”NO problem Donnie, it’s kind of weird to get a taste of my own medicine.”

Donnie gave out a hollow noise that Raph might have mistaken for a laugh. His immediate youngest brother leaned away from him and finally laid back down. Raph waited till Don shifted around before pulling the blanket back over him and refilling his cup with a water pitcher they had started keeping in the room, “Need anything else Bro?”

His brother gave him a look from his pillow, before shifting over to the left, “Please don’t sleep in that old chair all night, you’re going to break it.”

And suddenly they were children again. Playing musical beds with anyone of their brothers, sneaking between bedrooms when they were still scared to sleep alone and giggling into the night. Even if it was for a reason Raph never wanted to deal with, “How the hell would I break that chair?” He asked as he laid down pulling the covers back up, “Serials, I think Dad had that chair before he had us.”

“Probably but you are a giant mutant turtle Raphie,”

“You are calling me fat Brainiac?!” he elbowed Donnie

“In no way shape or form. I’m merely sting you like to be the strongest guy in the room, and muscles weight more than fat.”

Raph probably would have elbowed Donnie again if he didn’t think he’d knock him off the bed altogether. Instead he shifted down and yawned,” Get some sleep nerd, I’m right here for you.”

He would always be there to help Donnie Breathe

A/N

I have been watching Sassatello’s work for a while, first on deviant art then here, and I always admired their use of color and expression. And it’s been so cool watching their art change little by little but in amazing ways. I wasn’t sure how to show my appreciation for their amazing work but this was the best I can do

@sassatello thank you for all your great art :)

(PS i wrote this in one night and did my best)

#sassatello #rebooting his surroundings #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #fanfiction #seriously ouch

101 notes · View notes

the-beauty-and-the-brute · 5 years

Text

Little red (part one..... maybe)

Raph was running along the roof tops of new york just getting ready for patrol as he usually does around sun down, the city was a little quiet And there wasnt much to do today maybe too quiet for raphs liking but soon the city would be alive again and in no time raph would have his hands full. but in the mean time he was just checking the back alleys and the busy streets before it began to get darker and darker as day changed to night, from the roof he looked down at a somewhat empty alley and was about to turn and leave before his mind processed what he just saw and he stopped in his tracks. He frantically looked back into the alley and saw a small blonde haired baby girl that was waddling down the alley and into traffic almost and his heart dropped as she got closer to the busy street, raph jumped from the roof and scooped up the kid running down the secluded part of the alley with her knowing she would scream or cry because she thought he was a monster but as he stopped he noticed she was quiet as a mouse. This was confusing to raphael as he put her down getting a good look at the kid "you arent mute, are you?" cause surely this kid saw him and knew he wasnt human, and as the little girl looked with her tiny blue eyes at raph she didn't look like she saw a monster she seemed like she saw a friend which made her smile as she reached to touch his face. Raph didnt stop her as she stroked his scaly face gently before touching his scar and frowning "owwie" she said standing on her tippy toes to get a better look at the scar on his lip, raph was baffled at how such a small human could look at him like that and could touch him so gently it wasnt until he heard people coming down the alley that he snapped out of his dazed state. He grabbed the little girl and climbed up to the roof looking back to see if they were looking for the little girl and When he was sure they werent he jumped from that roof to next, he didn't know what to do with her if no one was looking for her then where would she go and who would take care of her if no one would stand up and care for her then he would have to. the feel of her tiny hands on his face brought him out of his thoughts and back to the real world "turtle" she said with a cute smile that could melt any heart, raph took out his phone and called for donnie knowing he would at least know where to start with finding where this little girl came from and in the mean time he would just have to take her to the lair for her safety. when he got to the entrance to the lair he noticed a couple punk kids hanging out by it so he did the only thing he could think of at that time, he put the girl down hidding her behind a small tin garbage can and she whined but he hushed her not wanting the teens to hear them. he then snuck up near the kids then roared really loudly scaring the piss out of the group and causing them to Run away screaming, but after everything had died down he heard a tiny roar come from the little girl which startled him a bit making her laugh and giggle. a small smile spread across raphs face for only a moment before he tried to play it off and ignore the fact that this little girl had made him smile like that, He picked her up then jumped down into the sewer sliding down their water slide and she giggled and laughed the whole way there. once there he was greeted by mikey who stopped in his tracks once he saw what or rather who raph was holding "Hey raph, whats...." A wide grinned spread across his baby brothers face, Raph growled and shoved mikey out of the way so he could bolt straight for donnies lab hoping not to run into his older brother on the way but sadly he wasnt as lucky as he hoped, leo caught a glimspe of him and her just as he walked in to the door of donnies lab and raph could see a confused look grace his face. As raph stepped into the lab and looked around he noticed donnie wasn't here so he turned to leave but Leo blocked the doorway, his arms were crossed and his face looked stern though he tried to remain calm his tone became aggressive "raph what are you doing, who Is that?". as the leader spoke raph rolled his eyes already done with this conversation "this is a lost girl I found on the street she needs help getting back home" he said brushing past his brother and out of the lab, Leo followed him as he took the little girl to the kitchen and sat her at the table "and what you couldn't take her to the cops so they could handle it" leos tone was now biting as he spoke to his brother. "no I couldn't! I could not leave her there and let her just be forgotten or worse!" raph yelled "and if you don't like the way I help people then you can kiss my-" raph was interrupted by splinter "boys!", he said "That Is no way to handle an emergency, I have taught you better" said the old rat the two glared at eachother then Leo walked away "my son I hope you know what your doing" splinter said walking up to the little one who sat at the table looking up at raph with wide innocent sad eyes. "Hello little one" he said and she gave a small wave "we want to help you get back to your mama and papa, okay" she frowned pouting a little whining saying "no" she stood up in the chair and reached for raph giving the grabby hands like she wanted him to pick her up, raph sighed knowing it would be hard to let her go now that she was attached to him "come on kid, lets go see if we can find you some toys" said the brute as he picked her up. Splinter watched them as they left the kitchen "this is going to be a long next few days" he stated with a bit of a chuckle as he began to make some tea for himself and leo to help calm his nerve and bring down his anger, as raph walked into his bedroom he put the little girl on his bed and she gave a cute yawn "hey you sleepy kid?" she shook her head rubbing her eyes tiredly. Raph knew she was lying and that she in fact was sleep but was fighting it so he decided to grab one of his old teddy bears that he used to sleep with as a kid "here, hes not much but hes a good friend", the little girl looked curiously at the old ragged bear before she took it in her arms and hugged it close to her nearly falling over on the bed as she giggled holding it. Raph smiled at the heart warming site but then his smile turned to a sneer as mikey entered the room "hey big bro, whos the little princess?" He asked excitedly, raph crossed his arms "i dont know mikey, i found her on the street she was list so im helping her" he answered back "oh so can she talk?" mikey asked and raph shrugged "hey whats your name?" Mikey asked. The little girl looked at mikey then at raph as if asking what say in that moment of silence as the orange bandana turtle sat waiting for her answer "Sapphire" she squeaked out in a small mouse like voice, mikey smiled "aww, well hey little sapphire wanna play some games" she nodded but raph butted in "not until after her nap, i know your tired kid just take a little rest" he said and she frowned but laid down to nap. Mikey shrugged and turned leave the room but before he did he whispered "ill be waiting for you when your ready sapphire" she giggled and smiled before she squeezed the bear and snuggled into to bed, raph took a blanket he knitted and tucked her in leaning over her "alright kid ill stay just until you fall asleep but soon my brothers will need me" she reached up and stroked his face gently as her eyes became heavy and she started to drift off to sleep. Raph smiled as he felt her tiny hand on his face tracing every scar he had gained from training and fighting over the years and soon she fell asleep, he waited for a few moments watching her sleep not wanting to wake her as he snuck out the room and gave a sigh "well that was easy" he said "but its only going to get harder" leo added.

#Little red #part one....maybe #tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2014 #tmnt 2016 #Raphael #tmnt raph

22 notes · View notes

crypticbeliever123 · 6 years

Link

Here’s chapter 2. Please let me know what you think of it.

Just as he put away his phone there was a knock on his door. Ugh. It’s Leo.

“What do you want, Leo?”

“I just wanted to let you know that Mikey was sorry for insulting your Bending earlier. If you need any help-”

“No thanks. I’m good.”

“You sure? Because you’ve made barely any improvement since Master Splinter took you in. If you’re struggling at all-”

“I’m not. Look, can everyone just stop badgering me about my Bending? If I don’t get it, I don’t get it. What’s it matter if I suck?”

“No one’s saying you suck. We’re just worried that something might be holding you back from-”

“Holding back? Who’s holding back? I’m not holding back!” Raph said a tad defensively.

“Uh, no one said that you were. I just- Look, in my experience when someone’s having difficulties with their Bending it’s usually because of some internal conflict. So, if you ever need to talk-”

“No thanks. I’m good. Seriously, Leo, not everyone who’s bad at Bending has some emotional problems or whatever. Some are just bad at it. Ain’t nothing you can do to change that.”

Leo noticed Raph pull a duffel bag out from under his bed, one that Raph never lets anyone look in for some strange reason. Then again his brother always was the mysterious one. Wonder what he’s hiding.

“Look, Leo, I gotta go.”

“Go where?”

“The gym. I’m in need of a bit of a workout so don’t wait up. If I’m not back by 7 I’m probably grabbing some dim sum with friends. See ya,” Raph said as he headed out.

Friends? What friends? He’s never met any friends of Raph’s. Hell, he didn’t even know Raph had friends!

Crap! Why did he say friends? He’s trying to keep his Pro-Bending life separate from his home life and he goes and mentions his friends?! What was he thinking? Now Leo’s gonna get all snoopy and start questioning him a ton when he gets back. Great. Just what he needs.

Naturally, Leo’s curiosity got the better of him. He started to follow Raph out of the temple and off down the street, being ever so careful as to keep enough distance so that Raph wouldn’t notice. They pass by the gym Leo thought Raph was going to which raises so many questions, such as where is he really going? He gets his answer when they come up to the Pro-Bending gym, reserved for players only.

“And he said Pro-Bending was stupid,” Leo muttered to himself as he used his Waterbending to reach a second story window to sneak in.

When he got in he saw three people there waiting for Raph; a guy with pitch black hair and what looked like a couple of missing teeth wearing the Fire Ferrets’ Earthbending uniform, a girl who seemed to have dyed her hair an unnatural shade of orange-red wearing the Airbending uniform, and another girl with purple streaks dyed into her hair wearing a Waterbending uniform.

“Alright, guys, ready to get started with practice?” Raph asked as he entered the room dressed in the Firebender’s uniform.

“Sure. Just one second,” the red-headed girl replied before blasting a stream of air, knocking Leo down from where he was hiding.

“Ow!”

“I sensed a breeze when he snuck in.”

“Leo!”

“Hey, Mr. I don’t like Pro-Bending. Fancy running into you here huh?” Leo remarked as he got up from the ground.

“Okay I can explain!”

“Explain what? The fact that you’re part of Mikey’s favorite Pro-Bending team or the fact that you must be a much better bender than we give you credit for to even be good at the sport?”

“Listen I-”

“Is this why act like you aren’t learning anything? So we don’t figure out that you’re part of the Pro-Bending circuit?”

“No, I just-”

“What’s the big deal? It’s not like mutants aren’t allowed to play or anything. Did you just lie because you know Mikey’s gonna want in and you want this to be just your thing? Did you-”

“Would you just shut up and let me answer first?! Geeze!”

“Okay, go on.”

*sigh*

“Okay, look there’s a lot of stuff in my past that I’m trying to hide from. Stuff that’s dangerous and life-threatening and the only way for me to protect myself from any of that is by not letting people know how good a bender I really am. If word got out about a mutant turtle who was as good at Firebending as I am some really bad people I know would come after me and I don’t want to have to go on the run again. But pretending to suck all the time is exhausting so I use Pro-Bending to let off a little steam every now and again. Look, it’s no big deal. But please don’t tell the others. Mikey will probably never stop badgering me about Pro-Bending and Master Splinter will just lecture me about keeping secrets and have me ‘train’ even more as punishment for lying for so long. Donnie would probably be cool about it but I don’t want to risk him blabbing to either of the other two. Please, Leo. I know we don’t always get along but I’d really appreciate it if you just kept this between the two of us, alright?”

“Okay. I’ll keep your secret. But if there really are bad people trying to find you then you should tell Master Splinter about it.”

“No. Way.”

“If he knew, he could help protect you. He could help keep you safe from whoever-”

“Safe? Safe?! Oh really Leo? You actually believe that after practically your whole tribe was wiped out because Master Splinter couldn’t stop Shredder? You believe that after countless people he swore to protect have died because he wasn’t good enough on his own or he wasn’t fast enough or he just wasn’t there at all? I nearly died when I was five at my own father’s hands and where was Master Splinter? Protect me? Pfft. I don’t need his protection,” Raph said brushing past Leo.

“Then why do you stay?”

“Because… it’s nice having a family to come home to for once in my life,” Raph said with a soft smile as he turned back to look at his older brother.

The smirk on Leo’s face made him instantly regret his words.

“Look, my friends and I gotta practice so if you don’t mind-”

“No sweat. Any chance I can stick around to watch though? It’d be nice to see what kind of Bending you’re capable of when you’re not holding back. Plus, you haven’t exactly introduced me to your friends here.”

“Name’s Angel Bridge. Nice to meet you dude,” the Waterbender said with a handshake.

“I’m April. Sorry about blasting you earlier. We just like to keep a closed practice.”

“No problem. Like the hair by the way.”

“Thanks. My parents weren’t too thrilled though. They prefer the natural black color I used to have.

“I don’t know. I think this color suits you more.”

“Right?!”

“Ahem,” the Earthbender interrupted.

“Oh right. And this is Casey.”

“Nice to meet you. Raph’s told us all about you.”

“Good things by any chance?”

“Depends. Does being bossy and a huge stick in the mud sound like good things?”

“No. No it does not.”

“Alright. Alright. Can we get to practicing now? I’m bored,” Raph interrupted.

“Sure thing. Leo, you can take a seat over there,” April suggested.

As practice began Leo was glad that Raph’s secrets were out in the open, at least between the two of them, but he was still concerned. Who were these dangerous people Raph was so afraid of? How bad could they be? Certainly no worse than Shredder, and yet Raph seemed as afraid of the people who were after him as the rest of the world was of Oroku Saki. He was seriously considering telling Master Splinter about this part at least.

Meanwhile, Raph was a bit annoyed at having Leo here. Normally practice was where he’d get to cut loose the most, even more so than the actual matches but right now he was having to hold back still. Perhaps not as much as he does back at home, but still more than he’d like to. And Leo knowing any of his secrets, even if it was just one out of several, was bound to bring trouble for him. He just hoped that Leo could be trusted enough to not blab this one secret the second they got back to the temple.

1 note · View note

spectrumscribe · 7 years

Text

Day 0 and all the days after.

While I loathe just about everything else regarding Mutant Apocalypse, the wealth of angst surrounding Donnie and Raph’s situation was too sweet to hate. I present with great pleasure, 11,256 words of determination, hurt/comfort, angst, and bittersweet humor.

(Graphic depictions of injury in the first while, and later, existential questioning. Please be warned.)

AO3 version if preferred.

summary:

Donnie dies on day 0 after the mutagen bombs fall, but keeps on living anyways.

Or, he hopes he is.

“Can something without a heartbeat or a brain be called a living creature?”

Day 0.

Donnie comes back to consciousness, and experiences a backfire of pure agony for it.

He nearly passes out again, struggling to breathe through the waves of pain coursing through him. Everything hurts. Everything is pain. Donnie wants to die it’s so bad and he doesn’t even know why he’s hurting so much.

He doesn’t die, yet. He just keeps gasping wetly, and feeling something move hot and wrong as he does. There’s- there’s something wrong- very, very wrong with his body.

Donnie is terrified senseless. He doesn’t want to look. Not even the split second he’d felt the impact against a windshield- years ago- compares to the sickening pain he’s experiencing now.

His vision is blurry, hearing filled with just the scattered sound of his heartbeat- Donnie is looking up at the sky, which shouldn’t be a poisonous black and green. He can only see some of it, through a craggy opening in a black stone ceiling. He thinks he might be underground, but can’t remember why or focus on anything other than the roiling clouds above him.

The sky shouldn’t be that color. The sky is supposed to be blue. Not- not a noxious, dark storm-

Why isn’t the sky blue?

Then it all comes back to him.

Donnie’s memory restarts, just in time for him to figure out why he’s in so much agony, and how he ended up in this situation to begin with.

Donnie sobs, because he’s pinned under concrete rubble and he’s alone and they failed.

The sky is that color because they failed. And now the world is going to die.

Donnie is going to die. He’s dying.

Donnie sobs harder, gasping a scream as he lifts his head and contracts muscles that don’t want to move and send new waves of pain as he tries to force them. His left hand is sluggish to respond, and he feels broken knuckles and fingers in that appendage. The right one works fine, for all the good it does him at the moment. He’s pinned from the waist down, and it’s only partially because a few tons of rubble has crushed his legs.

He’s been impaled. Right through and into the stone beneath him.

Donnie stares, uncomprehendingly and with slowly dawning horror, at the length of metal lanced through his center.

Distantly, he assesses that this is why it feels like his lungs are filling with fluid. It’s because they are. He’s bleeding out and filling up at the same time and Donnie knows he’s got precious little time before he’s gone.

Outside his range of vision- which is limited, trapped in his tunnel- he hears wails and screaming. There’s sirens going off, the sound of buildings starting to fall apart-

It sounds like hell, and Donnie is inside a sinkhole right in the middle of it all.

He doesn’t know where his brothers are. He doesn’t know if they’re alive or dead. He doesn’t know if April and Casey are alive or dead, somewhere out in the increasing disaster zone above.

Donnie hiccups, trying to get a grip on his spiralling fears. He slows his breathing by sheer force of will alone. Panicking will just screw any chance he has at getting out of this alive. And Donnie isn’t ready to die yet. Not while his family is still out there, probably injured and in need of his help.

Donnie is in need of their help. But he’s all alone.

No one will get to him in time. He’ll have to solve this himself.

Donnie finally brings himself down to a baseline, shoving the terror and agony out of his immediate focus. He starts taking stock of what he has at his disposal. Which is nothing. He can’t move, only one arm is of any use, he’s bleeding out rapidly-

Donnie feels something stir and spark around his head.

-and he’s got Metalhead.

The thin band of metal circling his skull is intact, and functioning, against all the odds. It’s a miracle the device isn’t smashed to pieces, kind of like it’s a miracle Donnie’s head isn’t. Now that he’s not lost in a whirlwind of fear and pain and terror, Donnie asks the mental interface if Metalhead is still functional.

He gets a flash of systems online in his head, and Donnie laughs hysterically in triumph.

Come here, he commands, and he receives the on route right after. He knows Metalhead was left behind when they’d scaled up to the rooftop, where Leo had- had-

Donnie’s thoughts stutter for a moment, remembering his brother’s desperate face as he shoved them off the building and out of the way. Of the mutagen bomb, one of hundreds all over the world, designed to warp the entire face of the planet and every being living on it-

Donnie didn’t see Leo jump after them.

Another cracking sob comes out of him without permission, breaking his forced calm.

Donnie tries and fails to rapidly accept the fact that Leo was likely killed in the blast, directly exposed at close range. He keeps trying anyways. He keeps trying to accept the likelihood, if only to spare his pointless hopes being shattered later on- until rubble starts shifting, and the beeping of his favorite invention comes within hearing range.

Metalhead makes its way down the sinkhole, remarkably unscathed from being hit by a mutagen bomb. The only difference Donnie can immediately tell is that the originally silver paint of his creation is now an off-color green. Metalhead is alive and working at full capacity though, so Donnie could give less than half a shit that his paint job needs redoing. Nonorganic matter for the win.

He tries to speak as Metalhead approaches, and chokes on his own blood.

Donnie coughs, tears leaking out of his eyes as the motion jars his pinned torso. He can’t think for who knows how long- senses filled to the brim with agony as he tries to pull himself back together, even as the metal impaling him rips at his fragile insides. His hips shift as he coughs, and he feels things that should not move like that grind against each other. The thought please, end it already comes back to him, but less specific. Just the want for it to stop is all that really gets through.

His vision is going blacker on the edges. Heartrate stuttering for real, now. He’s so close. He’s so close that he can taste death among the iron and burnt salt on his tongue.

Donnie doesn’t know what to do. He can’t see anything beyond the hole to the sky above him, and he has no one coming to help him. He’s running out of time.

Donnie loses consciousness for a brief few minutes.

He comes back only because of his external senses, linked to him through Metalhead’s receivers and scanners. He hasn’t perfected them yet, still in the testing stages of being able to fully synchronize his brainwaves with a programmed code.

Donnie awakens again only because of those experimental syncs. His mind tries to fall asleep, to pass out and escape the excruciating pain, but Metalhead’s perimeter and health stats scanners jolt Donnie back to consciousness as his heartrate falls below a point.

His breathing is getting harder and harder to accomplish, the red puddle underneath him growing big enough to soak Metalhead’s feet- and Donnie stares at the little robot that survived everything, came to him, and has just saved his life.

And he gets an idea. A hysterical, insane idea.

Bend down, Donnie instructs, and raises his single working hand to pry open the panel on top of the robot’s skull. He forces his broken hand into working order, ignoring how one finger is bent the opposite direction is should be and the other ones turning a darker green by the second with thick bruises.

He pulls out wires and a mini keypad. He works fast and as accurately as he can, and takes off the program limiters for the experimental synchronization. He rewires a few things, double checks as reliably as he can, triple checks, and nearly blacks out again- only to have his senses reawaken and then expand.

He sees himself, in a sense, through Metalhead’s scanners. He gets the readings of his own dying body- chances of survival: 0000.3%- and of their surroundings of broken stone and metal. He sees his broken shell, legs, pelvis and hand- and he sees the slowing of his heartbeat.

Donnie has minutes- seconds left.

Donnie is going to die one way or another; it might as well be in a highly metal way, like Casey would’ve said.

Donnie shuts his eyes, and reaches into the unbarred connection between him and Metalhead.

Donnie loses all sensation. He doesn’t lose his sight. It just shifts perspective.

His watches heartrate drops to nothing, with the last beats pushing more blood out the torn holes in his scales and shell. It further stains his sensationless feet, dark red and shining in the apocalyptic light from the sky.

Donnie watches his own body bleed out, and die.

Donnie stands up, stiff metal unlike organic flesh in its responsiveness.

And he leaves his body without a glance backwards.

--/--

Donnie finds Raph.

He doesn’t find anyone else.

The world is filled with smoke and rubble, fires starting every block and inhuman things howling everywhere else. Donnie sneaks through it all, scanning frantically for any sign of his family. Negative, negative, negative- found.

Donnie locks on the location and moves fast as his new legs will carry him.

Raph landed aboveground, hard. He’s unconscious but breathing when Donnie finds his brother; blood trickling out his nose and leaving a darkening trail down Raph’s face. Donnie’s scanners say his brother has a 70% chance of survival if he receives the correct medical care for the concussion and hairline fractures to his skull. No other broken bones or profusely bleeding gashes; only minor bleeding from the gash along his crown. Raph is okay. He’s alive.

Donnie isn’t used to being smaller than his big brother. It feels wrong.

Donnie briefly wonders if someone can be in shock when they have no physical body anymore. He discards the thought right after.

Something tries to crawl over to them in their dark little alley, snarling with a garbled voice and moving with too many limbs in all the wrong places.

Donnie shoots it in the skull without a thought.

It flops over, steaming from the laser bolt to the head.

Donnie ignores it once its vitals drop to 0.

He picks up Raph by his armpits, and gets them the hell out of hell.

--/--

Day 1.

It’s as metaphorically hair-raising as the one before. Donnie has never had hair, and he certainly doesn’t now.

Raph is stable. He’s breathing easy and he regained consciousness a couple times over the course of the night and following day. The outward bleeding has stopped now that stitches are in place, and Donnie’s scanners report no signs of an internal continuation of it.

Donnie suspects Raph could suffer from brain damage. He’ll live, but with what effects from the injury? Donnie doesn’t know. He can’t do a full examination until Raph is lucid longer than a few moments.

Donnie preoccupies himself with protecting the barricade of their temporary hideout. Someone’s veterinary clinic, empty of animals and left with only wrecked cages. There’s blood on the floor, and Donnie knows it’s human, not animal.

He doesn’t know what happened to the animals or humans who’d been here. All he knows is that it’s a place that’s fortifiable, safe for the moment, and letting him heal his brother. It’s still terrifying whenever a screech or scream is too close outside the doors.

Raph doesn’t talk when he wakes in fits, just incomprehensible gibberish. Which is fine for the moment. Donnie isn’t speaking either.

He’s somewhat afraid to know what he’ll sound like in his new body. Like himself, or like a machine’s static feedback? He didn’t calibrate Metalhead to do anything more than act as a speaker when Donnie spoke through a microphone. How will the speakers work now that he’s speaking directly from inside them?

He’s too much of a coward to test them.

Donnie manages to upgrade his scanner though, giving it a range of 15 blocks instead of 8. He gets scans of shambling or darting creatures all day and night. None of them match the scan profiles of his family.

Donnie sits in silence all of day 1, waiting for Raph to wake fully.

--/--

Day 2.

Raph tries to stab Donnie.

“-who the hell are you?!” his brother bellows, holding a scalpel at what passes for Donnie’s eyes. Raph’s eyes are wide and terrified, and the way his hands are shaking is completely out of character. “Wha- what the hell are you?!”

Donnie speaks for the first time in two days.

“I-I-I’m Donnie, it’s me, Donnie!” Donnie hears his voice and doesn’t quite recognize it. It’s similar, but it’s also not. “Raph- calm down, it’s just me. I put myself inside Metalhead. It’s- it’s okay-”

Raph let’s go abruptly, stumbling backwards from Donnie. Donnie, unused still to his new body, stumbles as well and falls over with a clatter. As he picks himself back up, Raph stares at Donnie; breathing shallow and fast.

Donnie supposes it’s a bit of a shock, waking up and finding out your brother has transferred his consciousness into a homemade battle robot.

“Please be more careful with me, Raph,” Donnie says, trying to break the tense silence. “We can’t afford me going into sleep mode right now.” Raph keeps staring at him with scared eyes. “…Raph?”

“…what’s a Metalhead?” Raph asks eventually, staring at Donnie still. “And- who’s Donnie?”

Donnie doesn’t have a heart anymore, but something feels like it skips a beat and skids off its track.

Donnie slowly clenches his fists. He can’t feel the action; just register it in his sensors.

“…me,” Donnie says quietly, a prayer. “Donnie is me. I’m your brother. Like- like Leo, and Mikey. We’re your brothers. Remember?”

Raph’s brow furrows.

“I have brothers?”

Donnie can’t cry anymore, but in that moment, he wishes he could.

--/--

Day 5.

Raph forgets his own name for a few hours.

Donnie’s metal body and circuits somehow manage to have a panic attack. It’s something of a relief, to know he can still actually and really panic and not just feel the deadened sensations of programmed data receivers.

Raph yells at him a lot. Confused. Donnie barely keeps his brother from getting them killed by attracting former humans to their location. It’s then a struggle to keep Raph from running off altogether, just like it has been for days.

Donnie tries to think on the brighter side of things. At least they only have to find food and water for one person. All Donnie needs anymore is recharge time, to let the Dimension-X crystal powering him rest for a while or syphon off an electricity generator. He is desperately glad he’d perfected that energy source before all this, as well as added self-healing capabilities to Metalhead.

No, not self-healing. Self-repairing. Donnie doesn’t feel better when something slots back into working order inside his body- he just goes back to functioning at a 100%. It’s disconcerting, in truth, being unable to feel sensations properly.

He can’t feel it when Raph next wakes, freaks at the sight of Donnie, and punches him across the face. The startled “OW!” is only reflex.

In actuality, Donnie doesn’t feel anything at all.

He can’t.

--/--

Day 8.

Donnie still can’t find any sign of their family in the increasingly dangerous city. Raph continues to have amnesia and not know who Donnie, and sometimes who he himself, is. The settling feeling that this is it, there’s no reset this time, it’s over, finally sinks in completely.

Donnie calculates the chances of his brothers having survived whatever injuries they received, then the prior eight days, and comes up with a dishearteningly low number.

“…I wish master Splinter was here,” Donnie says in a crackling whisper, staring down at the ruined city from their current hiding spot. A rooftop which they had relative trouble getting up to. Half because Raph remembers and forgets his skills on and off, and half because Donnie is a tiny metal robot with short legs.

“Who?” Raph asks, in one of his better moods.

Donnie can’t think properly for a solid five seconds. Then, in a quiet voice, says, “Our father, Raph. Master Splinter was our father. He died two years ago.”

Raph scratches at the edge of his head bandages, squinting.

“…I don’t remember it. Him. Whatever.”

Donnie’s fists tremble on the stone ledge, his head lowering as he hunches.

He desperately, desperately wishes his father were here. Leo, Mikey, April and Casey- any of them. He wants them here to help him fix Raph and fix the world and bring sensation back to Donnie’s body.

Donnie wants a hug.

Raph hasn’t let him within five feet for days.

Donnie can’t cry.

He can’t.

He wishes he could.

--/--

Day 15.

Donnie gets fed up with being short and makes adjustments. He’s never going back from this; this is him now, so it might as well fit his mental image of who he is.

He makes himself taller, for starters. Much taller. He decreases as much of Metalhead’s bulk he can without compromising function. He gives himself a flexible shell, better motor skills, wider scan range. Redoes his whole design in the end.

He paints over the faded, sickly green of the impact blast with a rich dark one. Feels a flash of inspiration and replaces his lights so they’re purple.

Donnie looks at his reflection in the staff bathroom of the store they’re holed up in, and for the first time in days isn’t totally uncomfortable with the face that stares back.

He went with a sleeker design. Faster, nimbler. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do for now. He’ll tweak it more when he’s got time.

The blank face of his new self is somehow less disquieting to look at than Metalhead’s blocky fake turtle face was. The feeling of dysphoria had been so much worse with that looking back at him.

“…new look?” Raph asks when Donnie finally comes upstairs to the offices. He doesn’t startle today, or inch for his weapons, so Donnie takes the wary look in stride.

“I needed to be more like myself,” Donnie says, and he still can’t figure out how to perfectly replicate his voice, but its close enough now he can somewhat hear himself when he speaks. He spreads his arms, showcasing the new look with a bit of forced enthusiasm. “Think the others will dig it?”

“I don’t know, probably?” Raph says, unsure. “Which ones?”

Donnie sighs, the action useless without lungs. “Leo? Mikey? Casey? April? Any of them??”

“…are they into robot stuff?”

Donnie sighs again. It remains as pointless as before.

--/--

Day 19.

Grief takes Donnie, suddenly and violently, and he can’t stop replaying the final moments he saw all of his family.

His memory databanks are able to supply the images with perfect clarity. He sees Leo, shoving them all away with a stricken desperation to save their lives. He sees Mikey, looking up at the end of their world with a truly terrified expression. He sees Raph, as they raced to confront Kraang subprime, looking grim and determined to stop the attack. He sees Casey, cocksure and confident as he runs into the fray, acting as distraction so they can go on ahead. He sees April, alight and ferocious as she runs after Casey, crushing a wave of droids with her mind and going back to back with their human friend as the ranks closed on them. Donnie sees himself having to leave them, being unable to feel confident, finding no words to reassure his brother, missing Leo’s arm as Donnie grabbed for him-

Donnie sees them all, and he can’t seem to catch his nonexistent breath.

Raph is no comfort, still staring at Donnie like he’s a stranger as he stands motionless in the center of their latest hideout.

“What’s your problem?” is all he asks.

Donnie shakes his head slowly, and retreats into sleep mode before any further questions can be asked of him. It’s a brief escape from the torrent of horrific scenes in his head, but it’s a dreamless and dark one.

It’s both a relief and torture.

--/--

Day 27.

They finally leave the city.

It’s too dangerous. As good a place to find food and water it is, it’s crawling with mutagen warped humans. All of them feral and aggressive. Scattered among those mutants are sentient ones- animals given bigger, better, faster bodies and smarter minds. Donnie didn’t scan a single mutant that was even close to the signatures he was still, against all hope, looking for.

In the Shellraiser, retrieved from the abandoned lair through risky combat with a nest of mutants, Donnie and Raph drive out of what remains of New York.

As they do, following a road towards the farmhouse Raph still doesn’t recall, Donnie scans to the very edges of his range. And as he does, he feels dread settle inside him.

The world is dying.

All around them as they drive, Donnie’s sensors inform him the ground is filled with toxic chemicals and extradimensional waste. It’s soaking into the ground and killing every bioorganic being for miles.

Donnie can and can’t fathom the fact that the world is going to end like this. The slow death of vegetation and complete genocide of its top predators. His digital mind can comprehend it, but what he’s sure is the consciousness of himself just can’t.

It’s just… too horrible to accept.

He calculates how likely it is the ecosystem could recover from it naturally.

He gets a negative number.

Donnie stops calculating and scanning for a while. He turns back to going over again the downloaded files about brain damage and brain chemistry and memory problems in his databanks. He’s already memorized them all- he literally couldn’t have not memorized them- but he does so anyways to pass the time.

He reprocesses 650 articles in under an hour. He rereads them again. And again. And again.

Raph keeps driving. He still won’t let Donnie touch him. He still doesn’t remember who Donnie is.

He doesn’t remember anything of who they were. Are.

Donnie reads his articles and documents another few times, highlighting sections that could be useful in the future, when Raph trusts him enough to try treatments. It’s only so much of a comfort.

--/--

Day 45.

Raph still doesn’t completely remember who Donnie is, but he’s stopped waking up and forgetting their current situation. The memory gaps seem to only start prior to the cranial injury. Donnie isn’t sure to count that as a win or not.

The farmhouse was desolate when they got there. They’d lingered for a few days, Donnie upgrading himself with better weapons and tech from the Kraang ship in the basement, and Raph trying and failing to remember how to draw.

In the end, Raph had thrown out the sketchpad and pencils in a fit of anger. Donnie had stared at the crumpled papers and pencils in the garbage can, and had only tried once to get Raph to take back the items. His brother yelled at him and told Donnie to piss off if he knew what was good for him.

Raph didn’t even know they were his to begin with. They’d been a gift, from April to him, and she’d drawn on the first page a sketch portrait of Raph in it. A second gift, and Raph had given one back soon after; a sketch portrait of April, sparring with her own shadow.

Donnie had only been able to find her tessen blade among the wreckage. He hadn’t been able to find anything of Casey’s. Or Mikey’s, or Leo’s…

He’d found Raph’s sais.

Raph doesn’t know how to use them consciously anymore.

They leave the farmhouse behind and get on the road again, once Raph had used up his patience. Donnie leaves a message on the walls of the house- information about him and Raph, that they’re alive- and paints it broad as he can with the acrylics Raph threw out after his sketchbook. Donnie’s hands don’t shake, but that may just be because he’s fixed them to not.

There’s no destination for them as they drive away. There’s not really a goal to anything anymore, besides Donnie trying to help Raph remember.

It’s not going well.

Donnie is trying to not lose hope.

--/--

Day 55.

Raph has a particularly bad day and denies the idea that he ever had a father, brothers, or a family at all. He calls Donnie a creative assortment of names, mostly revolving around being a sentient kitchen appliance or a walking trashcan.

Donnie reminds himself it’s not something his brother means. He tries to, multiple times.

Weeks on end of hearing the same thing, on and off depending on the day’s moods, wears on a guy, though.

It brings back to him a question he’d asked himself, way at the beginning of his metallic existence, sitting on the floor of a veterinary clinic and asking himself about the implications of what he’d done.

Are his memories really his, or just downloaded imprints from the real Donatello?

Is Donnie himself, or is he copy of himself?

Is he really sentient, or just a very, very clever imitation of it?

And if he weren’t really himself, instead a snapshot impression of a real person- would he be able to tell? Would Raph be able to tell, should he remember? Would Donnie’s brother spot the critical mistakes and gaps in the façade and call him out as a loose cannon computer program?

Raph says he doesn’t have brothers, that Donnie isn’t of relation to him at all. Donnie stares at his metal hands and wonders if that might just be a possibility.

Where does one draw the line of beings with souls and life, and ones who lack those things, anyways?

Donnie can’t see the line anymore. And it terrifies him.

--/--

Day 63.

Raph won’t speak to Donnie for an entire day. He’s completely refusing treatment anymore for his memory gaps, and Donnie is reaching the end of his rope.

It’s been months, and Raph hasn’t shown even a hint of remembering their pasts. The one confirmation of anything Donnie has anymore is the broken fan from April and the trundling war truck he built himself. With the addition of his own body, of course, as altered from its original design it is.

But, are those even really confirmations? Donnie is the only one who remembers their true origins- to Raph, they just appeared in his life all those weeks ago. Including Donnie.

The only proof Donnie has to himself, out in the vast and growing wasteland, is his own memories. Which are coded, and were downloaded, and may not even be really his.

Donnie figures that even if he’s not a real person, at least he’s confirmed a robot can have an identity crisis all on its own.

--/--

Day 67.

Raph threatens to go off on his own, meaning it this time. Donnie barely manages to diffuse the situation before it actually happens.

Donnie spends a lot of time in sleep mode after that, or hiding in the systems of the Shellraiser. He’s tiptoeing around Raph for fear of sparking another fight, and as sick of that as he is Donnie can’t let the fights climax.

If he loses Raph, what would he have left? What would either of them have left?

There’s nothing but war and carnage between mutants right now- freshly made beings fighting to dominate and defend what they claim as theirs- and it somehow makes the relationship Donnie now has with his brother seem sane. Better he keep fielding Raph’s moods and memory slips than disappearing into a world without order, or care for a robot having an identity crisis.

Donnie uses sleep mode often, to escape the pacing thoughts in his head. He doesn’t like going over every minute detail he can recall about his old life and old self, constantly warring whether or not the evidence is negative or positive.

Donnie sleeps to the best of his ability.

He misses dreaming.

--/--

Day 70.

Donnie loses his arm.

It’s ripped right off him, by an enormous mutant that’s been unable to handle the stress of going from a regular bull to a sentient one. Donnie’s sensors scream at him, warnings and malfunction errors popping up all over his mind.

He doesn’t feel pain, still.

He’s lost an arm and he can’t even feel agony for it.

Donnie shoots the bull mutant in his leg, and tries to get back on his feet. The bull slams his fists down on Donnie’s back before he can, knocking things out of place underneath Donnie’s metal shell and making the warnings screech.

He vaguely wants to actually feel the pain of the blow. At least then he’d be feeling something.

Donnie is flipped over, and distantly registers the action of being gored by a bull’s horns.

Parts of his circuitry go dark, left limbs going dead and the right ones pinned by hoof-like hands- and Donnie wonders if this is when he’ll finally die.

He gets an awfully helpful error error error message from his energy levels. The crystal socket inside his chest is dangerously close to being punctured.

Donnie tries to twist his arm free, to shoot the foaming fucker goring him right in the head, but can’t get the whining hydraulics to respond.

Donnie is going to die.

He wonders if Raph will care at all when Donnie is gone.

His crystal’s socket blares silent alarms as it starts to give, and Donnie prepares to explode as it’s compromised.

Raph tackles the bull from behind, and stabs him through the eye with a sai.

Donnie’s chest is ripped open a little more as Raph bowls over the other mutant, and Donnie’s ability to see finally cuts out.

He’s trapped inside a black bubble, as senseless as he always feels, for a few moments. The only data he receives is blocky error messages and cheery information that his power source is nearly compromised.

Donnie doesn’t want to die like this. Alone, trapped in his own body.

A message pops up that something is touching him. Donnie tries to reroute emergency energy to his visuals, attempting to jumpstart the repair process without fully shutting down.

It works. He gets back visuals, and hearing, too, which he hadn’t even realized he’d lost.

“-onnie!” Raph is saying, shaking Donnie’s shoulders. “Donnie, answer me! Come on come on- god, please wake up- DONNIE!”

Donnie’s voice modulation is shot. He tries to speak and all that comes out is static filled tones. His right limbs twitch, his arm trying to raise itself and struggling.

“R-r---r-r--a--” Donnie’s voice box produces, crackling and garbled. He tries again and gets an error: malfunction message as the voice box shuts down. Donnie is trapped a little more inside his own personal hell.

But.

Raph is holding him. Tightly.

His brother is actually hugging him for the first time in months.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” Raph says, over and over. “I should’ve been paying attention, I shouldn’t’ve turned off my phone just ‘cause I was pissed with you, I shouldn’t’ve been pissed in the first place- oh god Donnie I’m so sorry, don’t- don’t die on me, please-”

Error says his voice box. Donnie tells it fuck you and keeps trying to make it work. He tells his useless appendage to actually do its job while he’s at it, spamming the emergency self-repair protocols and rerouting them. His power source can survive another few minutes without assistance.

“Come on, little brother,” Raph says, voice cracking as he searches desperately for a sign Donnie isn’t dying. And maybe that’s what finally does it.

Donnie gets his stupid malfunctioning arm to finally land on Raph’s shoulder, metal hand clenching into the big coat Raph’s started wearing. His voice box comes back online, and even though it sounds nothing like himself, Donnie says,

“You- c-called me- yo--ur brother.”

Raph stares at him, eyes filling. And he nods.

“Yeah, yeah I did, I- I remembered, okay? I remembered,” Raph’s voice shakes. “You were- you were in danger, and I just- I remembered. Donnie I’m sorry I- forgot you. I can’t remember anything much, but I- I remember you.”

Donnie hasn’t felt warmth in months.

He feels it now, somehow, deep in his chest. It could be just his power crystal overheating, but he chooses to think of it as real feelings instead.

He misses feeling. He misses dreaming. He misses his family and he misses being sure of his own existence.

He missed his brother.

“Th-anks,” Donnie laughs, the sound flat and wrong. He hopes Raph knows he means well with it. “-bou-t t-t-tim-e, assho-le.”

Raph laughs, sounding not right either with the exclamation. Neither of them have really sounded all that right in a long while. It’s not that big a deal.

“—sle-e-p m-ode,” Donnie then manages, because he’s losing the battle to keep his body working without it totally crashing on him. He doesn’t want to shut down without warning, lest Raph really think he’s gone and died.

Donnie loses the fight a split second after he says that, but before all his senses shut down, he hears Raph say he’s got Donnie, he’s got him and he’s sorry and he’ll fix this. He’s not running off again. He won’t forget again. He swears, he promises.

Donnie hopes Raph keeps that promise. He was starting to sincerely doubt if his existence was valued or not.

--/--

Day 72.

Donnie is on his feet again, at 100% functional capacity.

It’s nice to not have a giant hole in his chest anymore; he’s getting a little tired of being impaled.

Raph is sitting by a fire when Donnie comes out of the Shellraiser, and it’s really, really great to see real recognition in his brother’s eyes. Not just oh it’s the robot again, but it’s my brother, Donnie.

And Raph actually smiles as Donnie drops onto the ground, something close to how he’d been before the world ended. Its close enough that Donnie feels a wave of nostalgia and grief, and wishes he could smile in return.

He misses emoting properly. There’s nothing about his body that does anymore.

He doesn’t think on that, and sits down next to Raph by the fire. It’s quiet for a while, Donnie updating his data with the few injuries that Raph received and is now healing from, and Raph staring at the fire.

“…how much do you remember?” Donnie finally asks after a while. “About me.”

Raph shrugs. “When you were getting torn up by that guy, I. I saw something similar, in my memories.” He glances towards Donnie, a hint of distress in his eyes. “What the hell kind of life did we live if it involved someone disintegrating you?”

Donnie laughs without really meaning to. Raph gives him a deeply offended look for it, and Donnie keeps laughing hard enough he imagines his sides would have ached.

Raph leans away from Donnie, understandably unnerved. “Is that somehow funny to you?”

“No- no it was awful,” Donnie says. He shakes his head, thinking back to that other moment he’d experienced death. Why has he died so many times in one life? He shouldn’t be able to more than once, but he’s been close or over the line multiple times. “It’s just… of all things for you to remember, you remember that specifically? Me getting molecularly scattered by our friend?”

“Our friend did that?!”

Donnie laughs again. That night seems so far away now, and the rift it’d temporarily put between him and April so small.

“She wasn’t in control of herself,” Donnie explains. “April got possessed by a crystal we picked up in outer space and it made her go crazy for a bit, that’s all.”

Raph looks absolutely disbelieving at that explanation. “Space?” He says incredulously. “How the fuck were we in space?”

“We got picked up by professor Honeycutt, and used time travel to go back and stop the world from being sucked into a black hole.”

“…okay full offense- what the fuck kind of explanation is that?”

Donnie shrugs. “Literally the story of our lives.”

Raph closes his eyes, breathes in slow, and rubs his temples. “I’m almost afraid to ask for context.”

Donnie chuckles. It’s a little empty feeling, since his chest doesn’t shake as he does anymore. They lapse into quiet for another while, just sitting next to one another under the dark night sky.

Donnie stares down at his hands, which whirr ever so softly as he clenches and unclenches them.

“What else do you remember about me?” He asks Raph after a while.

“…I remember you like machine stuff,” Raph says, and that’s an uplifting win all on its own. “and that you were taller than me. You- you always licked off the icing of the fucking poptarts and put them back in the box. Donnie, seriously?”

“What can I say? Poptarts icing is delicious,” Donnie doesn’t think about how he’ll never taste it again, even if they found some.

Raph snorts, then in a quieter voice, “And… I remember your full name. It’s Donatello.”

That makes Donnie cock his head, surprised. Raph hadn’t shown any signs of knowing more than their nicknames. It’s comforting to know Raph remembers the name now. “Did you remember anything else? Maybe about yourself?”

“…no. Sorry,” Raph slouches, frustrated with himself, and Donnie wishes he could sigh properly.

“Oh well,” Donnie says. “At least you know who I am, now. Getting stabbed every now and again was getting really annoying.”

Raph winces. “Sorry for that, too. A nosy talking robot was kinda too much for me to handle for a while there.”

“No shit.”

Raph punches Donnie’s shoulder. He doesn’t bother saying ow at the impact. His sensors inform he’s been hit by something, and that’s about it.

“I miss being able to feel things,” Donnie says abruptly, because that’s been on his mind for months now. Raph hadn’t been willing to do more than trade small talk most days, let alone in depth conversations about Donnie’s growing struggle with being a senseless robot.

Raph stares at him for a moment, and says, “…shit, I didn’t even think about that. You really can’t feel- anything?”

Donnie opens and closes his hands. He feels none of the action. “Not a single bit. I’m metal, Raph. Metal doesn’t feel things.”

“But- you can tell when I’m touchin’ you, right?”

“My sensors can. I can’t.”

“…Jesus Christ, Donnie. I’m so sorry.”

Donnie laughs, bitter and tired despite having a full charge. “I got to survive having my entire lower half crushed and my chest impaled, but at what cost? I can’t fucking feel anymore, Raph. I think I’m actually forgetting what sensation feels like. What’s the point of living through all that if I can’t even be categorized as alive anymore?”

Raph is staring at Donnie with mild horror. Donnie feels horror about the whole thing himself. But is he really? Or is he just recalling what that feeling was like?

“Can something without a heartbeat or a brain be called a living creature?” Donnie asks. “Can something that can’t produce the necessary chemical reactions to induce emotions be called a thinking, feeling being? Raph, am I really me or did Donatello die in a fucking sinkhole and I’m just the computerized version of his memories?”

The questions Donnie hasn’t been able to answer hang in the air, and the longer Raph’s silence drags out the more Donnie imagines it to hurt.

He can’t feel anything, nothing at all. Are his emotions real? Are his reactions real? Is anything about the self he has now real?

Or is he really just an automated, walking-talking memory bank for someone else?

“Holy shit,” Raph breathes. “Are you having an identity crisis?”

Donnie barks laughter, throwing his hands up. “Yes, but I think it’s safe to say at this point I’m having a full-fledged existential crisis!” He clutches at the sides of his metal skull, feels nothing, and wishes he could scream properly. “Am I just playing out a programmed role, am I just using downloaded memories as a baseline for my actions, is anything about me fucking real anymore? Was it EVER? I can’t tell, Raph! I can’t fucking tell!!”

He draws himself into a ball, miserable and scared and unsure if those emotions are even his own. He wishes he could feel the ground, or the wind, or maybe the way he’s clawing at his own body. It just makes metal on metal scraping sounds, and he feels none of it.

“…maybe I’m not him,” Donnie whispers. “Any living person would have gone insane after this long in sensory deprivation. Maybe I haven’t because I never was one to begin with.”

A pause, then,

“Or maybe you’re the stubborn asshole I remember you being and can do what no one else can.”

Donnie doesn’t raise his head, but he does turn it towards Raph. His brother- but is Raph really that?- is looking at him with concern and actual care, and Donnie tries to focus on that instead of questioning his own existence.

“…yeah?” He asks quietly.

Raph jerks a nod. “Fuck yeah. I don’t remember a whole lot, but I know you had endurance to do pretty much anything. Still have endurance to do anything. If anyone could survive like this, it’d be you.”

“But am I really him? Really me?” Donnie asks again. “How do you know I’m not just using set parameters to fake emotions?”

“Are you feeling like shit right now?”

“I guess, yeah-”

“You feel like shit when you got torn up?”

“-yes, but-”

“You still care about me? About our brothers and friends?”

“Yes.” That answer comes without hesitance. Donnie, whether he’s real or not, would give his life a third time for them.

Raph nods to himself, and says firmly, “Then I’d say that’s enough on its own.”

Donnie stares at his brother, and really misses being able to emote utter disbelief.

“That- that doesn’t prove anything!” Donnie exclaims.

“Proof enough for me you’re real,” Raph says even more firmly.

“Well it’s not enough for me, and I’m the one actually having the crisis here!” Donnie wants to be hyperventilating. He feels this would the moment he would do that. His body remains as lifeless as it’s been since he entered it- or awakened in it, maybe. “Raph- if I’m not really alive, not really Donatello, then I’m not your actual brother either! All of my memories are just code and I’m just code!”

Raph doesn’t budge with his expression of absolute certainty, and Donnie’s shoulders slowly slump.

“…how can you be so sure I’m me?” Donnie asks in a small voice.

“Because I remember shit all about myself, but I remembered you,” Raph replies. “and this is exactly the sort of nonsense you’d tie yourself up in knots about. You think too hard about this stuff, Donnie. Say you aren’t the original Donnie- who gives a shit? I’m definitely not whoever the hell I was before all of this, and I don’t care. You were there the first moment I woke up and you’ve stuck around ever since, even after I stabbed you like, six times.”

“Eight,” Donnie corrects automatically. Raph gives him and a flat look.

“Point being,” Raph continues. “if you aren’t him, I’m not the old Raph either, and the rest of the world could give less than a shit about who either of us are now. The important thing is that you give a shit about me, and I give a shit about you. That’s more than anyone else does, and I think that’s good enough.”

Donnie tries to accept that ideology, but…

“…but I want to be him. I want to be me.”

“Then that’s who you are,” Raph says, and Donnie wishes he could just believe that.

Donnie shakes his head, and something like a feedback whine is coming out of his voice box. No error messages pop up to explain why that’s happening, and Donnie adds a mental note to give himself another checkup later. See what the problem is now.

He’s distracted by Raph roughly tugging him into a hug.

“What’s this for?” Donnie asks, trying for light and just sounding unhappy.

“You’re crying,” Raph says, like that’s even possible for Donnie anymore.

“I- Raph I physically can’t cry. Robots don’t cry.”

“Sounds like crying to me,” Raph says quietly, hugging Donnie even tighter. “so I guess you’re not a robot.”

Donnie laughs at the absurdity of that sentence. He has no pulse, no brain waves, he runs on a battery- what else could he be?

His hands shouldn’t be shaking as he clings to his brother. He fixed that weeks ago.

“I missed you,” Donnie says quietly, even though there’s a million other things he should be saying right now.

“I missed you, too,” Raph replies, just as quiet.

Donnie puts his head on Raph’s shoulder, cutting out any visuals besides the rough fabric of Raph’s thick coat, and wonders why he feels breathlessly relieved without lungs.

--/--

Day 73.

Donnie comes to the conclusion that Raph is right. Raph isn’t Raphael from before, and Donnie hasn’t held it against him for even a second. Raph is just Raph, whether he remembers growing up in the sewers or being a ninja, and Donnie hasn’t stopped loving him through everything that’s happened.

So maybe he can accept that Raph doesn’t hold it against Donnie for not properly being Donatello. Maybe Donnie can figure out how to not hold it against himself.

…it might take a while for that to work, but Donnie is willing to try.

--/--

Day 74.

“You still feel like a fake person today?”

“…a little, I guess-”

“Cool, then I guess a fake person won’t mind if I play his least favorite album on repeat and full blast for the next five hours.”

“Oh god no please don’t play Nickelback all the way to Ohio. I’m a real person, Raph, I’m a real person-!”

Donnie whines and complains loud as he can as his absolute least favorite Nickelback album starts up in the stereo, but he doesn’t actually mind the teasing or torture.

Robots don’t have extremely strong preferences against Dad Rock CD’S, and they don’t have asshole big brothers to bully them out of bad thought tracks.

Donnie feels a little more alive, bitching all the way across the border to Ohio, and having Raph bitch right back about Donnie’s shitty indie rock tastes.

“You could literally just turn off your hearing, Don.”

“Oh and deprive myself of your dulcet fucking tones?”

“It’d be a lot quieter if you’d deprive me of yours.”

Donnie hooks himself into the speaker system, and turns the volume way up. “HOW’S THIS, ASSHOLE?”

Raph swerves, shaking the whole Shellraiser. “Jesus CHRIST, DONNIE-!”

Donnie cackles, and refuses to disengage from the speakers even as his brother chucks drink cups and garbage wrappers at him. The fight is only settled when they agree to put aside personal tastes for a bit, and just listen to a bit of Queen for the next hundred miles.

--/--

Day 76.

“Did you give yourself ears?” Raph laughs, taking in Donnie’s new additions.

“No, I gave myself a boost in scanning and receiving power,” Donnie says matter of factly. His new antennae flip upwards, matching the humorous mood he’s in. It feels so good to be able to give himself expression again, even just this much.

Raph watches Donnie’s antennae flip around a bit, and smirks. “Yeah, and they look like little bunny ears.”

“Maybe so,” Donnie says.

“But?” Raph prompts.

“But nothing, just maybe they do look like bunny ears,” Donnie says, and Raph laughs again.

In truth, they’d been something of a tribute to his old mask. Now though, Donnie accepts that bunny ears might be alright as well. Raph hasn’t worn his mask in weeks, switching instead between caps as they collect them.

Donnie keeps his tribute to himself. It’s something just for him, this him, and he’s a little proud of that.

--/--

Days 78 – 94.

Raph gets bits and pieces of Donnie’s past self- little things they’d talked about, phrases, just everyday stuff that come and go in clarity- and he still forgets them on and off afterwards.

But, he doesn’t forget who Donnie is, or that they’re bothers, so Donnie doesn’t mind too much.

He remembers Mikey suddenly, on day 88, while Raph is eating what might one of the last cans of peaches in the world.

Maybe it’s the orange color that does it, or the sweetness like the confectionaries Mikey would bake on a rare occasion- and it triggers a flash of memory in Raph’s mind.

Donnie has to catch the peaches from Raph’s limp hand, and then his brother as he buckles.

“Mikey,” He says hoarsely, and his hands twist in the dirt. “Oh my god- he- I remember him. Donnie, I remember him.”

Donnie sets down the peaches, scanning Raph on reflex, even though he knows the pain is an emotional one. He registers a kick in heartrate, a flux in Raph’s brainwaves-

And Raph tears up, curling on himself. A hoarse, cracking sob follows.

That’s enough of a sign that whatever he’s remembered, it’s hurting him badly.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Raph says, voice broken, and Donnie can’t even deny that.

“I know,” Donnie says softly, curling around his brother as he shakes. “I can’t either.”

Raph remembers Mikey after that point, but he forgets their brother’s name a couple times, too. It’s a frustrating cycle for both of them- Raph struggling to deal with a connection that fades and brightens without warning, and Donnie struggling to not despair when the connection is at its faintest.

They make do, around the tremulous feelings and memories. In a world that’s still in the process of being reborn, there’s not much else they can do.

--/--

Day 105.

“Who’re April and Casey?” Raph asks over breakfast. Him with some instant oats in a cup and Donnie plugged into a generator they found in the store basement. “You talk about ‘em sometimes.”

Donnie thinks about that for a moment.

“…they were our best friends,” He says, watching dust drift through the sunbeams that shine in from outside. “They were our family.”

Raph stirs his cup a bit, taking a bite.

“Do you think there’s any way they survived?”

Donnie already ran those numbers months ago. April had had a high chance, given her inhuman DNA and powers. Casey though... well, what comes to Donnie’s mind is all the times his friend had bragged about being undefeatable, indestructible- and all the times he’d been injured anyways.

“I wouldn’t put it past them,” Donnie settles on, because April had and still might be the something of a human inferno when she felt like it, and Casey is Casey. If any humans and partial humans could have survived the mutagen bombs, it would be those two.

Raph grunts. He eats a little more of his oatmeal. “I like the sound of that Jones kid. I think he’s my sort of guy. April doesn’t sound too shabby, either.”

Donnie snorts. “Considering the number of macho man contests you and Casey got into, and how many times April wiped the floor with us all in training- yeah, I’d say they’re your people.”

Raph grins, and then asks, “Do you miss them?”

Donnie doesn’t even have to think about that one.

“Every day.”

--/--

Day 108.

Donnie finds a collection of paints that survived; deep in the recesses of someone’s abandoned home.

He looks at the brilliant colors, and decides something.

He paints the exact measurements and design of April’s star patch on his chest. The tessen got broken ages ago. This is something he can repaint over and over, so long as he has paints to do it.

There’s a black bandana in the person’s studio, too.

Donnie takes it with him, clutched in his fist.

Raph doesn’t really recognize the symbols for what they are, but a flicker of something close to that is in his eyes when Donnie shows up again; yellow and red on his chest and a black bandanna wrapped around his wrist.

It’s enough that he doesn’t feel like they’re completely gone.

--/--

Day 110.

They find an intact human skull near their latest rest stop, missing its front teeth.

Donnie is admittedly desensitized to horror at this point, and can’t stop himself from joking that the skull reminds him of Casey. Raph seems to get something of a memory flash from it, and suggests with a wicked grin they make a tribute with it.

Donnie ties the black bandanna around the skull, once they’ve wired up the self-destruct bomb. He laughs to himself, and figures it’s something Casey would’ve appreciated more than just a plain old wristband.

Besides, it’s not like Donnie could ever forget the one and only Casey Jones. Even Raph, in all his amnesic glory, hasn’t properly forgotten Casey Jones. No one who has ever met Casey Jones could forget him, whether they wanted to or not.

Donnie pats the skull after he’s done, and imagines Casey laughing himself sick over the tribute. It’s a good image.

--/--

Day 113.

Raph remembers Leo, briefly.

It’s long enough to cause another breakdown, before he compartmentalizes the memories again. Donnie watches as Raph cries himself out, and then forgets why he’d been doing so hours after.

He hasn’t remembered April or Casey longer than a few seconds, or more clearly than a few flashes. Their father, either. Just listened to stories about their humans and their parent, and seemed wistful and frustrated. Donnie doesn’t know if those memories will resurface any time soon.

But, at least Raph remembers somewhat that there were more than just the two of them. It’s enough Donnie doesn’t feel as alone as he could, with his senseless body and digital memories.

--/--

Day 114.

Donnie’s comes to the conclusion large memory recollections may have more adverse effects than they do positive ones. Raph can’t handle the bulk of his memories, likely because of just how horrible a lot of their life experiences have been, and keeps compartmentalizing them whenever they surface.

Donnie doesn’t blame him for not wanting to remember parts of his life. They’ve been through a lot of bad patches.

He still wishes Raph remembered, though.

He settles a compromise with himself. Donnie will just keep talking casually about their pasts, and let the memory recollections come and go as they do. No more pushing for Raph to remember constantly. The healed scar across his skull is a reminder how much damage Raph had gone through, and is still going through as they figure out life in the wasteland.

Donnie is a little lonely still, but Raph is still himself, and treats Donnie like himself, so amnesia can be tolerated.

It hurts. It will probably always hurt. But Donnie will take what he can get. What he can keep.

--/--

Days 115 – 130.

Donnie observes the scattered collections of mutants have started forming societies. Individual clans and social codes for each one.

It’s a little strange and some part of him is awfully jealous of them, whenever he and Raph roll through friendly settlements. Well, friendly is a loose term. It’s mostly just the ones that don’t shoot on sight that could be considered that.

There’s still a lot of warring, and infighting, and just general chaos all around- but mutants as establishing themselves as real people now. They’re making a place in a toxic world full of danger and drought.

Donnie wishes he was still properly alive, so he could be a part of it. As it stands, he’s an oddity even now. Automated machines are highly, highly rare in the wastelands- let alone ones that snark back when they’re ordered to do something.

Donnie mourns the fact that the brief few months he hadn’t been a freak of nature, up in space, are long since passed. He less so mourns the fact that he’s not starving or dying of thirst. It’s hard enough keeping Raph fed and hydrated; if Donnie needed sustenance too they might really have trouble.

It doesn’t stop him from watching food being eaten, even rancid or scavenged, and wishing he could eat some too.

--/--

Day 144.

“…Raph what if none of this is real? What if it’s just the last of my thoughts spasming as a rock crushes my skull? What if it’s your thoughts spasming as a rock crushes your skull?”

“…Donnie it’s three in the morning, what the fuck.”

“Or! This could all be a simulation my real self created out of boredom, to see how artificial intelligence copes with the landscape we’ve been placed inside of. I wouldn’t put it past me. Real me was awfully dark when he didn’t sleep enough and got into the caffeine pills.”

“Oh. My god. Shut up.”

“You should listen to me more closely, Raph. I might be accomplishing self-awareness as we speak.”

“Could you be self-aware of what an enormous asshole you are?”

“Yes. I’m enjoying it.”

“Holy fuck go back to sleep.”

“I have a full battery charge, Raph, sleep mode is at least ten more hours away-”

“Donnie!”

“Nervous breakdowns are better when they’re shared, Raph.”

--/--

Day 199.

“…I honestly have no idea why you’ve grown hair,” Donnie says, examining the furry monstrosity making itself at home on Raph’s face. “Maybe it’s the mutagen particles saturating our atmosphere?”

“What do they have to do with this?” Raph asks, batting Donnie’s hands away from his mustache. Donnie wants to shave it right this second. It’s horrible on so many levels.

“Well, my scanners say these have the genetic makeup of something close to a plant, and you were assimilated into being a swampthing’s pet for a while there. This might be your former status as an enthralled plant creature making a comeback.”

“…the words that just came out of your mouth actually make less sense than anything else you’ve ever said.”

“I don’t have a mouth. Did you know I had to syphon the infection out of your system practically by hand? That was one heck of a night, whew. I had to invent a whole new procedure in under an hour. The infection itself was quite interesting, though. It was very similar to some fungi that’s found in the rainforests near the equator, taking over the host’s mind once infected and compelling them to climb up into the canopy to get at sunlight-”

“Please stop.”

“Then please shave your face, Raph. I don’t have a stomach anymore and I feel sick looking at it. Turtles shouldn’t have hair.”

“But you just said it’s a plant thing.”

“It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s disgusting.”

Raph smirks at him. “Maybe I’ll keep it.”

Donnie recoils in horror. “Oh my god you wouldn’t.”

“I would.”

“Raph. You’re disgusting.”

--/--

Day 200.

The cussing out Donnie gets afterwards is so worth it, once he’s blowtorched off Raph’s horrendous facial hair.

--/--

Day 234.

They’re legal adults today, according to the thoroughly desecrated government that used to run the country.

Donnie and Raph share a toast under the night sky, a slightly lonely celebration.

“We are now exactly one year older,” Donnie says, throwing his empty cup over his shoulder. “How do you feel, Raph?”

“Dunno,” Raph says. He drains his cup of bubbling water they’d been saving. “I don’t really remember anything before this. How about you?”

“Oh I don’t really age anymore. In fact, so long as I never go BOOM, I’m functionally immortal now!” Donnie says brightly. “I’ll probably live decades longer than you do, and anyone else who is currently living in the wasteland. I promise I’ll give you a good burial, should I survive whatever horrible catastrophe finally gets you. What do you want on your grave, Raph?”

“…existential crisis, again?”

“Ohhhh big time.”

Donnie is staring the prospect of a life without definite end. Raph is growing older, while Donnie is remaining ageless. If he isn’t blown up, or carved into pieces for scrap metal, then Donnie will have to watch his brother die slowly without him. And he’s not sure he can take that.

Raph claps Donnie on the shoulder, and then drags him across the rock they’re sitting on to hold Donnie in a one armed hug.

“I’m not dying yet, Donnie. I’m gonna be a pain in your ass for years to come. I’m not gonna leave you alone any time soon, and you can count on that. I’m not going anywhere.”

Donnie laughs, viciously wishes that promise could be kept without any doubts, and shares his twenty first birthday with the only member of his family he still has.

--/--

Day 256.

Donnie realizes he doesn’t remember what it felt like to touch someone else.

He realizes he’s forgotten what April’s hand felt like, or Casey’s hoodies, or Leo’s mask tails, or Mikey’s shell, or his father’s fur…

He remembers, but he doesn’t. And something in him breaks because of it.

He has to let it go. Keep moving forwards.

Stopping now might just break him in ways that will last.

--/--

Day 300.

Donnie wonders what happened to their alter timeline selves, way up there in the cosmos. He wonders what happened to Renet and all her time shenanigans. He wonders if any of them see what’s happened to his world, his family, him- and turned their backs on them purposefully.

He’s not sure he can properly resent them. Fixing an entire world that’s completely and thoroughly fucked over is a daunting task.

He still wonders what the fuck they’re doing, though. He hopes the other version of himself and his family get to have better lives, and he hopes Renet knows he can’t quite forgive her for not preventing the apocalypse.

--/--

Day 364.

One full year since the world got turned on its head, rearranged, and reborn.

They drive near the borders of New York, meet colonies of deranged and mutated former-humans, and deduce NYC is no more hospitable to sentient life than it was last year.

Donnie decides to give up on hoping they’ll find their family. They’ve driven from one side of the country to the other, and Donnie has scanned every single settlement or roving gang. He’s found not even a trace of their family members.

If they’re out there, in the vastness of the growing deserts, Donnie doubts they’re ever going to run into them.

He really misses his family. He misses the ease of long distance communication. He misses the fucking internet.

Donnie wonders briefly if his body has decomposed fully, somewhere in the hellhole New York has become. He morbidly wonders what it would be like, looking at his own skeleton.

And it is his. Like his brother had said, at this point, who really cares besides Donnie if he’s the original or not? Donnie’s decided that even if he is a copy, or an imprint, or a snapshot of someone else- then fuck it, he’ll live his life anyways.

He’s alive as anyone in the wastelands. He’s trying to survive in it just like everyone else, he’s fighting for resources and to protect the people he cares about. He’s carving out a life in the fallout of an apocalypse, and he’s got as much right as any other thinking, feeling, caring being to call himself alive.

And Raph calls him his brother, and that’s enough for Donnie. That’s enough.

--/--

Day 365.

Donnie gives a small prayer as they drive away from New York. He’s never been very religious, or even spiritual, but he’s someone who transferred their entire self into a new body. Maybe miracles are real, maybe someone is listening.

He’s not searching for his family anymore, but he still sends out a prayer that if they’re alive, that they’re doing alright.

He prays a little harder for April and Casey. Between the two of them, tempers and split second decisions feeding off one another and coming out explosive for it, Donnie is entirely sure they’ll have gotten themselves into the worst dangers out of all of them.

He remembers again, the last time he’d seen them. Back to back as the droids closed in, looking absolute in the face of an army and ready to take every enemy on without hesitance, even with blood and bruises all over them.

Donnie wishes he’d said goodbye, or good luck, before they separated.

Donnie prays for his best friends, and hopes whoever is looking down on his miserable planet will hear a robot’s prayers, too.

He misses them as fiercely as he does his brothers, every single day. And he hopes they’re okay.

--/--

Day 0, Donnie brought himself back to life. Day 1, he asked himself if he really had or not.

Day 7803, he doesn’t care anymore.

The sun is merciless, scorching the world with a temperature of 134 degrees Fahrenheit, and Donnie feels none of it on top of the Shellraiser’s roof. He sits in his gun chair, watching and scanning the miles that roll by, and keeps his cooling systems from letting his internal mechanisms overheat.

Raph is inside, uncomfortably hot and bitchy because of it. Donnie leans back and feels a little smug that he can look at the sun directly, and practically lounge beneath it, without issue.

Part of him still wants to feel the sun. Still wants to have a pulse and hunger pangs and the need to drink water. He still wants the ability to dream again, to feel the texture of Raph’s scales and scars when he stitches his brother up, and to maybe shed tears, just once more.

He tries to focus on his battle ready body, and how well he can protect Raph without ever needing more than a few hours to recharge between fights. He tries to focus on the fact that he’s figured out how to rip songs directly out of his memories and hook them into the stereo systems. He tries to focus on the fact that even after Raph is gone, Donnie will still be around to remember his brother and all of their family.

After a few years of practice, he’s gotten pretty good at succeeding.

Donnie hums a melody their father used to, when he was dicing vegetables in the kitchen for dinners. A melody Donnie remembers humming along with back then, Mikey adding nonsense lyrics as he saw fit, and Leo and Raph joining in for the chorus. A melody that will forever be perfectly preserved in Donnie’s databanks, even if he lives another two hundred years.

It clashes with the loud rock music Raph is playing inside the war rig, but Donnie kind of enjoys the clashing.

There’s not a cloud in the sky, they’ve got another four hundred miles before the next settlement, and Donnie can’t feel even a hint of the sun’s rays.

He figures it’s quite the lovely day.

#Mutant Apocalypse #Donatello #raphael #tmnt #tmnt 2012 #obviously i couldn't not get heavily invested in the copious amounts of angst that donnie-bot clearly had potential for #there was just no way around it #:D #My writing #everything else about these episodes sucked ass but HELLO EXISTENTIAL CRISIS #how i love you

77 notes · View notes