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palallura · 6 years

Text

i was made for loving you

on ao3

The light flickers once and vanishes so delicately that he wonders for a second if he had not always been in the dark.

“I thought I saw his eyes opening for a second,” comes a familiar voice. He does not find his own to answer it.

Keith’s breathing is a ghost with no one to haunt. It oscillates, yes, but his heart’s pulse is firm. A victory, at least. A single one. Victory is a word that tastes heavy on his tongue – although he has not spoken it aloud. He cannot remember exactly where his mouth is or how it feels to use it. Victory, victory. Keith feels that he has actually lost something; he feels that it does not matter that his heart is beating steady if it is a lonely melody. Loneliness. Hadn’t he moved on from it? Where is his team – his friends?

Where is Shiro?

Not being able to understand your own reality is a curious thing. Shapes, feelings, perception. Awake, asleep, in-between. Dead. They are all possibilities. They are all realities, somewhere, sometime. Keith contemplates them. He forgets whatever conclusion he might have gotten to. Time passes. He remembers. He contemplates them again: he surely exists. He is real. His feelings are real, and he loves deeply.

Something crawls on the back of his mind and his entire body aches, aches, aches.

“He’ll awake soon enough.”

He does, a few hours later.

“Mom?” Is the first thing he asks, because Krolia is the first thing he sees. For a second, he feels as if he is being born a second time and his Mom is everything. She is all warm hands on his face and indistinct phrases. He has to focus twice to understand what she is saying. It turns out to be something simple, yet incredibly complex. Miraculous, even.

“You’re okay, Keith.”

“I guess I am,” he whispers. The reality of the hospital room unfolds in front of him. He looks at Kolivan and shakes his head with a small smile of recognition. The gesture hurts and Keith winces. Kolivan sighs.

“Rest for now,” it is not an order, but it is slightly more incisive than a simple request.

Keith takes a deep breath and enjoys the sensation of rubbing his hands together for a second; they are cold and pale. He stretches his arms and feels the body snapping at the right places. His throat feels like the very desert where he grew up. As if she can read his mind, Krolia passes a cup of water to him. He accepts it gladly.

“Are you warm enough?”

“I’m fine,” his voice manages not to crack, barely. “How long have I been….?” Asleep does not seem the right word, so he trails off.

“Almost a day.”

He shudders. So much could have happened. “Is everyone okay?”

“They’re okay. Safe.” Krolia promises.

He pushes a bit from the bed, daring his body to get up. “I want to see the others.”

“The others,” she echoes. “Shiro?”

“Well, yes,” Keith exhales, caught by surprise, “him, too.” Krolia keeps looking at him – a stare that is both kind and compelling. “Okay. Shiro first.”

“He came in here,” she takes his hand. Keith always feels somewhat like a child when she does that, so much smaller than her. He used not to like feeling small, but it is different with her, now, after the two years they spent with each other. “When you were asleep. He seemed sad for not being able to speak to you.”

“He made quite the speech earlier. “ Kolivan adds, and Keith is suddenly curious. “The man surely is good with his words.”

“And his actions,” Krolia smiles. Then, the smile wavers, as if Shiro reminds him of something or someone, and she shares a quick look with Kolivan. He nods.

"I must go. There is a lot to do." He shakes Keith's hand, more gentle than the usual. "My best wishes, soldier."

Then, he is alone with Krolia, and she slowly moves her hand away from Keith's, putting it on her lap. When she speaks, the way she looks at him is almost defiant, as if she is fighting with herself not to back down.

"When you're free to go, I want to do something."

"Dad," it feels good to catch her by surprise this time. "You want to see Dad."

"His resting place, yes," she sighs. "I want... to say a few things to him." To the man I love goes unsaid, and Keith feels an odd sort of sadness by being reminded that his parents cared for each other so much; that he was born from love in its purest form, not loneliness or fear or regret, but that love could not breathe anymore. Part of it had not died with his father, not exactly, but still was lost forever. In a different reality, they would have been a happy little family. "After all this time, there's still so much I want to say to your father."

"I can only imagine."

Krolia locks her eyes on his again. "Son."

"Mom." He answers immediately. "What's on your mind?"

"I want to give you some advice. I know you just woke up, but, when I saw Shiro here earlier, I realized I should say it as soon as possible."

“What is it?”

“Don’t take the person you love the most for granted, Keith.”

“I don’t,” he says firmly. “I know I can lose him at any second. I have lost him, more than once.” He thinks of the many times Shiro has been away from him, in danger, alone, hurt, yet a light that refused to go out. He thinks about how he could have saved Shiro, how he failed to protect him.

And the times he did succeed to bring Shiro back to him, it was as if they were not close enough to each other.

Krolia hums, a bit thoughtful. “What’s stopping you, kid?”

Keith’s breath gets caught on his throat. “What do you mean? Stopping me from what?”

She parts her lips slightly and a sigh comes out. Shaking her head, Krolia says instead, “You want to know how I knew I loved him?” When Keith nods silently, she goes on. “When I realized that every distance with him felt too far.”

“Every time you speak about Dad – the way your voice sounds, it’s too much. I keep thinking of what we could have had together, the three of us.”

Something inside him wants to add one more. The four of us sounds just right.

Krolia takes his hand again. “I am sorry. I know that kind of wishful thinking very, very well. You must not get caught in it.”

“I know,” he whispers. “I’m also sorry.”

“What for?”

Keith forces down a sob, low and raw. “For not saving him when I had the chance.”

“Keith,” his mother gasps, eyes wide.

“If I had done something, he still would be here. For me. For you. When you came back, you two could have…”

Krolia interrupts him, not unkindly, “We’ve talked about this before. You were a child.” She runs her fingers though his hear. “There’s nothing you could have done. But there are things you can do now. To save the people you love. To be with them and never part ways again.”

“That… sounds nice.”

“You’re used to think that you don’t deserve nice things.” She sighs. “And I know deep down you already have figured out who you want to be with.”

A noise from outside makes them both jump slightly. The door opens to reveal a very hopeful-looking Takashi Shirogane. When he sees that Keith is awake, his mouth and eyes smile in harmony. Keith forgets how to breathe for a moment, taking in how the light shines on Shiro; with the silver hair, he is almost angelical.

“Hello, Captain.”

“Ma’am.” He says, polite as ever, but his eyes are not on Krolia. “Keith, is so good to see you.”

“I’ll let you two catch up.” She pats Keith on the head and leaves, a peaceful smile gracing her features.

“Captain,” Keith repeats. “I like the sound of that.”

“It was kind of a sudden thing,” Shiro says a little bashfully. But there is pride shining on his eyes. He makes his ways to a chair near Keith’s bed, perhaps a little too slowly, and Keith takes the hint.

“Come here,” he pats the mattress and Shiro sits down. Now that he is not smiling anymore, Keith can see the lines of exhaustion on his features, how old he seems.

“Is… everything okay?”

Shiro chuckles. “Nothing gets past you.”

“Not from you,” Keith says and admires the way Shiro’s cheek tint with a lovely shade of pink.

“You’re becoming more and more observant.”

“Again, it’s easy when it’s you.” Keith smiles. “You make everything easier.”

The nice moment fades away quickly, though, and soon enough Shiro seems to be holding himself together just barely. His back is somewhat curved, there are bags under his eyes and his breath is uneven.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, please.”

“I don’t want to drop anything on your shoulders with now. You just woke up.”

“I know,” Keith says, “I just woke up and every second that goes by I can only think that you guys could have needed me when I was out.”

“Keith,” he chides gently.

“So, please, trust me. Need me. You can need me, Shiro, and I’ll be here whenever you do.”

Keith feels more than he sees the way Shiro looks at the scar on his cheek.

“I can only hope to be here for you just as much,” he sighs. Then, adds, almost inaudible: “It’s Adam.”

Keith’s stomach drops. “Oh. So you guys talked?”

Shiro shakes his head. “No, we didn’t. He… He didn’t make it through Sendak’s invasion. There was a battle before we got here and…” He trembles. “He was already gone when we arrived, Keith. I couldn’t to a single thing.”

He whispers Shiro’s name, once, twice, not knowing what to say other than that. Shiro is right there, at his side, and he cannot just watch him fall apart. He finally takes Shiro’s hand – the one just like his own, flesh and blood – and gives it a firm squeeze. The words I am sorry hang from his lips, almost falling. They don’t. Keith thinks they seem insufficient, hollow. Instead, he says a truth he knows too well,

“Losing people we love is never easy.”

The word love seems to catch Shiro’s attention.

“I…” He gulps. “I did love him. I guess a part of me always will.”

Keith’s heart aches more than the rest of his body now.

“We were going to get married,” at the last word, something that is not quite yet a sob escapes from Shiro’s mouth. He takes a deep breath. “But that’s a future that will never happen. I want to talk about the futures that still have a chance. The futures I want to live.”

“There are so many,” Keith wants to reassure him, despite himself. “Here on Earth and maybe even out there.”

“Space,” Shiro smiles somewhat sadly.

“Your heart belongs in the stars.”

Shiro squeezes his hand. “And maybe somewhere else too.”

“Somewhere else?”

“Keith,” he begins, and Keith sees a new kind of fear in his eyes. “I did love Adam. But that love is a love from somewhere long gone. And I am okay with it being just the past. When he died, I already didn’t have feelings for him anymore. I don’t.” He coughs. “Romantic feelings, I mean. I will always treasure what we had together, but it has been a while that I don’t want anything with him.”

“How long?”

“Since I met you again.” The pink tints Shiro’s cheeks one more time. It is barely noticeable, but Keith’s heart feels like combusting. “I want us to explore space together. Come with me, Keith. Then we can settle in a nice place here on Earth for a while, when this mess is over, and just be happy.”

Keith gives a shaky laugh, “You have no idea how afraid I am that I am reading things wrong.”

“Let me explain, then.”

Shiro’s lips are heaven on his, warm and soft. Keith yanks him even closer by his shirt, tasting everything Shiro has to offer, starting slowly; then, he loses whatever self-control that remained, almost too eager, almost too hungry. Shiro tries to slow him down for a moment, but gives up and lets himself be carried away, his tongue exploring Keith’s parted lips first, then his neck. Shiro’s breathless laugh on his skin is the best sound he has heard in years.

“Are we clear, cadet?”

Keith grins and does a tiny salute. “Cristal clear, sir.”

“You won’t be a cadet for long, though.” Shiro backs away slightly to look at him, in awe. “You have grown up so much. And I don’t say this as happy as I do only because I’m proud. I very much like what I see.”

This time, Keith is the one that goes pink. “Shut up.”

Shiro kisses him again. “Gladly.”

#sheith #my fic

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tiny-maus-boots · 6 years

Text

War

“Hey Ice Princess.” Aubrey didn’t look up from her clipboard even though she knew Cole was talking to her. She sighed softly, willing herself to calmness as she checked off a few items before signing the sheet. Her current group of executives had done very well in the time management skills portion of their camp experience but they were still in need of some direction when it came to trust building and co-operative skills. That didn’t surprise her in the least given that they were mostly mid-level management. The director of operations for the lodge had asked her specifically to lead the group, hinting that if she handled the group well Aubrey would be directly in line for the newly opened activities coordinator position. It was a big leap from her current position but it left her in direct competition with the only other employee nearly as good as herself.

“Isn’t calling me that getting a little old and sexist?” Aubrey looked up at Cole’s looming figure when he intentionally blocked out the sun. Really she was getting tired of his constant needling but she’d been bullied before, it wasn’t anything new. Her father had always told her that there were two kinds of people in the world. People born to lead, and everyone else. Aubrey knew she was born to lead. She’d already proven that at Barden. True she’d handed the reins to Beca when it came time to win the ICCAs but Aubrey didn’t consider that a fault in her leadership. She considered it a shining moment for herself and one that had ended in a shining moment for all her Bellas. Cole was sadly of the latter.

“How about Ice Queen? That work better for your feminist sensibilities?” Aubrey’s lip curled up in irritation but she smoothed the expression off her face almost immediately. The moment Cole realized he was getting to her would be the moment he would actually gain some footing over her. And that was something that could not be tolerated. God she hated him, likewise he seemed to hate her just as much although for very different reasons.

“As long as you know my place over you, peon.” She gave him a tight smile and shoved past him as her group finally started to drift to their assigned meeting place after lunch. When the announcement had been made about the new activities position the director had immediately set up a series of challenges and tests. There had been six potential candidates to start but in the course of the past two months only she and Cole remained in the game. They were fairly evenly matched and as much as she hated to admit it, he was good. Good at his job and good at winning. But Aubrey was better and far more determined. So Cole hated her with the passion of a severely wounded male ego.

“Yeah I remember you liking it on top.” He smirked down at her and snatched the clipboard from her hand. “I got this.” For her part her hate stemmed from a moment of weakness. One she regretted immediately upon waking in his bed. Aubrey wouldn’t allow herself any excuses. Lonely or not it had been stupid and completely unsatisfactory. She hadn’t expected it to be good exactly, she just expected it to be mind numbing and at the time that was exactly what she wanted. Cole was handsome and clearly interested in her. So she’d slept with him. Aubrey had slipped out of his cabin without a word, leaving him passed out in bed. He had tried many times to get back into her pants but Aubrey rejected him every single time. It had been easier to keep him at arm’s length once she and Chloe had started to talk again but that had only made him angrier and more vindictive.

Aubrey watched him with a narrowed eyes ready to take control of her group once again. “POSEN!” She scanned the area behind her noting the director gesturing from the Round House. Aubrey gave Cole one last look before trotting up to her boss quickly.

“Sir?” The retreat director was a short bull necked man with too much hair on his forearms and not enough on the top of his head. He was hard and she thought he might get just a little too much sadistic pleasure from making them all compete for a promotion but she respected him. Liked him even. Maybe because he reminded her of her father sometimes. Not in appearance obviously but something about his nature seemed familiar. He gestured to the shade of the porch and handed her a folded sheet of paper.

“Cole is going to take over your group for the rest of the day. You two will work cooperatively from here on out to ensure that these guests complete each of the assigned tasks for their session.” Her face fell a little but she managed to gather herself quickly. Sharing with the enemy wasn’t her idea of fun but war was rarely fun. “I’ll be making a decision on who gets the spot after the final challenge this weekend. Those are the details. Family and friends are welcome to attend in a show of support.” Well that seemed…interesting. Aubrey opened the folded sheet and scanned it quickly her lips pulling to the side as she read and reread the only words that seemed to matter. Obstacle course. The director watched her carefully trying to gauge her response to a task obviously more suited to Cole who was physically stronger, taller, and probably faster. Whatever he saw or didn’t see made him smile. “You have the rest of the day off I suggest you use it. From this point out there is no rest for the weary, no sanctuary for the wicked. There’s only one spot to fill Posen, don’t let me down.”

“Sir yes sir!” Aubrey watched him go and then spun on a heel, sprinting for her cabin with sure footed grace. She closed the quarter mile distance, neatly avoiding bear traps along the way and slammed into her cabin without breaking a sweat. It never even occurred to her to call her father. He was busy. He was always busy. And her mother…well. That was best left unsaid. Aubrey flopped onto her stomach on the bed and checked the time. Chloe should be home any minute so she quickly FaceTimed her best friend. The phone rang for a few before it was answered and Beca’s face filled the screen. Both her brows came up in surprise. Had she dialed the wrong person? “Beca…hi? I’m sorry I thought I dialed Chloe.”

“Oh. Hey Aubs. Yeah you did but she forgot her phone this morning. I saw it was you….so…surprise?” There was a moment of awkward silence between them and Beca seemed to hesitate. “Do you want me to hang up so you can leave her a message?”

Aubrey thought about it for a second then shook her head. “No. No actually…it’s good to see you again Beca.” They hadn’t spoken very much since her drunken fiasco at Callum’s but Aubrey was well and truly grateful for Beca’s care with her. Even when Beca had to chase Aubrey around a parked police car for ten minutes the smaller woman hadn’t complained. Much. It was more embarrassment that had kept her from contacting Beca. And Beca seemed to understand that, choosing to let Aubrey dictate when they spoke.

“Yeah. You too Bree. You look good. How are things across the pond?” Aubrey snickered softly and rolled her shoulders in a shrug.

“Not bad. Did Chlo tell you about the possible promotion?”

Beca nodded and quirked her lips into a smirk. “Yeah. It seems…well…a little psychotic but totally your brand of crazy. But I hear you’re kicking ass like we all knew you would.”

Aubrey laughed at that not at all minding the teasing. “We have one last challenge. It’s down to me and this guy, Cole…”

Beca cut her off with a scowl. “Cole? That dickbag.” It was pretty clear that Chloe had been telling Beca about her run ins with Cole every time she came to visit. When he realized he was having no luck getting Aubrey’s attention he had shifted it to Chloe in a very sad attempt at sparking some jealousy. And it had almost worked, just not in the way he had hoped.

“Hm. Yeah.” It was non-committal because the truth was she didn’t really want any one of her friends to know she’d slept with him. They already disliked him and Aubrey felt that maybe they would look down on her just a little. It wasn’t as if she were proud of herself either. Beca squinted at her suddenly blank expression as if she could read every thought tumbling around her in brain so Aubrey changed the subject quickly. “How are the Bellas this year? Chloe says you guys have never sounded better.”

Beca gave her a distracted shrug and sighed. “Good I guess? I mean. Yeah we sound good but I’m…I dunno Aubrey. Picking a set list is one thing, leading a team…that’s. I don’t even know. What if I’m not doing the right things? We won ICCAs last year but how am I supposed to actually get us through the whole year of competition AND win the finals?” It was uncharacteristically insecure for Beca and Aubrey chewed her lip in thought.

“Beca…” When the other woman didn’t look at the phone Aubrey sat up and tried again, her tone more gentle and patient than she had ever been as captain. Beca chanced a glance at the screen surprised by it. “Bec. I left you in charge because I knew you could do this. You’re amazing and I know all of this is new to you but you’ve got Chloe there. She’ll keep you steady, you just have to trust her. And yourself.” The brunette let a tiny smile creep across her face even as a slight flush rose to her cheeks. It had been hard losing Chloe but it hadn’t been hard losing her to Beca. Aubrey let out a quiet chuckle and shook her head. “I trust you Beca. I trust you with my Bellas. I know you’ll make us all proud, and if you ever need me…well I’m right here.”

“Yeah?” Aubrey nodded and offered Beca a smile. “That actually makes me feel better. So. Thanks for all that. I won’t let you down.”

“Impossible.” This time Beca’s smile grew wide and Aubrey felt as though her world solidified a little bit more. Being apart from her friends…her family…had broken more of her than she had realized. The girls meant everything to her and even though she couldn’t be with them this year she still wanted and needed to be a part of them in some way.

“So what’s this challenge thing you have to do?” There was a sound of a door opening and closing before Aubrey could hear Chloe in the background.

“Beca have you seen my…is that my phone?” It took a second before Chloe’s face popped up behind Beca’s shoulder and Aubrey grinned. “BREE! Hey! Oh my gosh I was just about to call you. Tom got married!”

“No way!” Beca looked at Chloe then back to the screen and raised her brows in question and what Aubrey was sure was mild amusement. “To who?”

“Mary Elise!”

“What!?!” Chloe laughed at their simultaneous exclamation and nodded.

“Yeah that was totes my reaction too. Jason Eckmeyer was the best man. Or witness. I guess they eloped. I think she’s pregnant.”

“Wait. Tom…isn’t that the guy that used to ‘accidentally’ walk into people’s showers?” Her use of air quotes left no question about how accidental those walk ins were.

“Eyeah that’s him. Guess he got lucky when Mary Elise didn’t kick him out.” Chloe scratched her nose ruefully and Aubrey laughed. It felt so good to be talking like this, to be close to them. Chloe had been right, she needed this and she was glad that the redhead had been stubborn enough to make Aubrey see it. “So what’s happening over there? Did you get the job?”

“Not yet. I was just telling Beca that the director here is going to decide after our last challenge this weekend. It’s an obstacle course. I’m pretty sure Cole thinks he has it in the bag. He’s being…ugh…insufferable lately.”

Chloe groaned that and shook her head. “I really want you to win. Mostly so you get the promotion but also because that turd deserves to be taught a lesson.”

Aubrey giggled at that. There was something just undeniably cute about Chloe saying ‘turd’. Beca seemed to agree because she gave a grumpy scrunch of her nose. “Why are you so damn cute Beale?”

Chloe shrugged happily and beamed at them both. “Just lucky I guess. So Bree when is the event? Will there be a live stream or something?”

The blonde hesitated a minute and considered carefully before she answered. “It’s Saturday. There’s no live stream that I know of but well there is a family and friends BBQ schedule for after. They’re kind of making a big deal of it since it’s just the two of us now.”

“Good! What time? I’ll go cheer you on!” It was so Chloe to want to be there for her.

“Yeah dude, I’m looking forward to watching you make that prick suck it.”

It surprised Aubrey. She had expected it from Chloe but she hadn’t expected the support from Beca. Aubrey tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear shyly. “You guys wanna come up?”

“Dude. Yeah! I mean as long as there are no snakes, or bears, or large birds of prey. I’m pretty sure I look like a tasty slow moving morsel to anything bigger than a raccoon.” Chloe laughed and shoved Beca hard enough to tip the smaller woman over out of frame of the screen.

“Of course we want to be there Aubrey. You’d be there for us in a heartbeat. We’re family.”

“I’ll email you guys the details. I have to go right now though. I need time to do an evaluation of my readiness and plan out a training schedule.

“Yep. That’s our Bree alright. See you this weekend!” Beca and Chloe waved and Aubrey gave them a final grin before hanging up. As soon as the screen blacked out Beca turned to Chloe and handed the phone over a little sheepishly. “Sorry I answered it. I just thought it might be important if it was Aubrey calling.”

Chloe shifted on Beca’s bed so that she was cross legged and nudged Beca playfully. “That’s okay. I’m kinda glad you did. Did you guys have a good talk?” Beca gave a slow nod and Chloe raised a brow wondering why she was quieter than usual. “Everything okay Beca?”

“Yeah. No. Everything’s…fine. Actually it was nice. I was pretty glad we talked too. I just…I thought she didn’t want to talk to me because of…you know.”

“Because of what?” Chloe had an idea of what but she didn’t want to put words in Beca’s mouth. They were SO CLOSE to crossing that line between friendship and more but Beca seemed to hesitate, pulling back when the change seemed imminent.

“You know. Because of stuff. And…stuff.” This time both brows shot up and Beca sighed rubbing her face with both hands. “Because of the you and me stuff. I thought she might hate me or…”

“You thought Aubrey hated you? Oh my God Beca!” Chloe reached out and grabbed Beca’s hand, holding it in both of hers. “She asks about you all the time. I promise she doesn’t hate you.”

“Yeah. I’m starting to see that now. I just was worried. Before.” Beca let Chloe tug her closer and wrap an arm around her shoulders. Usually she disliked people touching her but Chloe always got away with it. Maybe because Beca not so secretly loved the affection. “I think we should cancel practice on Saturday. We can make a road trip of it with the girls. Cheer Aubrey on or whatever.”

Chloe blinked in surprise glad that Beca couldn’t see it since she was looking down. “You wanna bring the team?” Beca looked up quickly at that and scratched nervously at her ear.

“I mean. Yes?” Beca squeaked out in surprise when Chloe bunched a hand in the front of her shirt and pulled her forward and kissed her hard. There was only a split second of hesitation before she realized what was happening and kissed Chloe back making the redhead whimper just a little. They pulled back and stared at each other for a long second. “Not that I’m complaining here but what was that all about?”

“You’re amazing Beca Mitchell. That’s all.”

Oh. Beca felt warmth creeping up her neck and cleared her throat. “Yeah, um…thanks I suppose? Or…”

“Stop talking and kiss me already.” Yep. She could do that. Beca leaned forward, pushing into Chloe and toppling her back against the bed. They hadn’t talked about this in a while but maybe they didn’t need to. Maybe now was finally the right time for them to see where this was going. Chloe slid a hand up the back of Beca’s tank top, finger tips trailing along her spine just enjoying the feel of smooth soft skin. Beca gave a tiny grunt and deepened the kiss propping most of her weight on the hand at the edge of the bed.

“Oi, you two. Get a room.” Amy’s voice startled Chloe into shooting up straight which made Beca wobble and slip off the edge of the bed right to the floor with an indignant squawk.

“DUDE! We are in a room!” Chloe giggled and leaned over the edge of the bed to look down at Beca. She mouthed sorry and held a hand out to help the brunette up.

“Yeah. Let me clarify. Get a room I’m not currently in.” Amy gave them a knowing look and flopped onto her bed openly staring at them. “It’s about time you two…” She made a complicated gesture with the fingers of both hands and Beca frowned again, sitting up against the edge of the bed.

“I don’t even know what that is but if it’s a sex thing I’m kind of afraid.” Chloe’s breath tickled Beca’s ear as she laughed and Amy gave them a look as if to say ‘sure you don’t.’ Beca’s eyes widened a little and she sputtered. “Seriously I don’t! If that’s some universal code for girl on girl sex…it’s fucking terrifying.”

Amy gave her an exaggerated wink. “Yeah, ‘course. You’re not that kind of girl.” Chloe laughed harder. Beca looked up at the ceiling and sighed dramatically.

“Seriously? Why?” Why did the universe conspire against her?? Chloe leaned over further and kissed Beca on the cheek.

“We’ll finish that talk next time. I’ve got class anyway. See you tonight?” She nodded weakly and watched Chloe scramble off her bed. When she was sure the redhead was at least halfway down the stairs she chucked her pillow at Amy with all her might. Amy deflected it easily and gave her a leer.

“You know what it means.”

“Oh my God!” Not for the first time nor would it be the last Beca wondered how this was even her life right now.

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shsummertimefest-blog · 7 years

Text

Before You

Enjoy, @xmusicxbooksxbandsx!

I hope you enjoy it!

The halls of the Institute were as quiet and dark as they always were at this hour of the morning, Alec enjoyed the long walk from the greenhouse to his office because he found that the solace allowed him time to shed his home mode and mentally prepare for work. Before Magnus, he would have woken up alone in his bed at the institute and immediately step out into a buzz of activity. He would have followed his morning routine with everyone else of training, breakfast, and checking in with the op center for orders.

His days couldn’t start out more different now, and he marveled at the big and small ways his life had changed from the way it was a few short years ago. Now, his mornings started with his husband’s steady breaths warm on the back of his neck and a hand clad in a heavy silver wedding ring resting on his chest. It was his alarm that always went off first, and he hit the button swiftly to avoid waking Magnus. Those minutes that he spent awake in the arms of his sleeping love were his favorites of the day. He would pull the discarded blanket up over Magnus before tangling their legs together. Then he would cover his hand with his own, their rings clinking together in a way that made his heart soar. There was a time when he never thought he would have this, so these moments with the sunlight starting to stream through sheer curtains and the love of his life holding him were nothing short of a miracle.

Eventually the Chairman would jump on his legs and sit there just staring at him expectantly, waiting to be fed. Alec sometimes wondered how impatient the cat had been with Magnus before he moved in, considering he slept in most days. He took great pride in the fact that this cat loved him and almost nobody else he came into contact with, and so Alec was happy to get his breakfast. He would turn around in Magnus’ arms and kiss him on the cheek before sliding out of bed and following the hungry feline. Some mornings, Magnus would surprise him by tightening his hold, preventing him from getting out of bed, and whispering in his ear. His sweet nothings ranged from simple morning greetings to lines from love poems, and everything in between. Those were his favorite kind of mornings, even if they did tend to make him a little late for work.

This morning Magnus had been sleeping so deeply that he didn’t even seem to notice when Alec left for work. The previous day must have left him exhausted. He had been busy all day with clients and they had a late night out together, so Alec was happy that he didn’t disturb his beauty rest.

He thought about their fun night as he made his way through the halls of the institute that morning. He made a quick stop at his office and then headed to the training center where he started his first task of equipment inventory and orders. Truth was, most of the time being the Head of the New York Institute wasn’t even close to glamorous.

He made his way through his checklist quickly and was just finishing up when he heard a throat clear behind him. He turned to see Jace standing there, dressed for his morning workout, with a smug look on his face.

“Hey,” he said, raising his brows. He was always a little worried when his brother looked like he was up to something. “Uh, what’s going on?”

“You tell me. Having a good morning?” Jace smirked.

Alec wasn’t sure what was going on, but he definitely felt like he was walking straight into a trap of some kind. He decided a short response and a little deflect action was best. “It’s fine. How are things here?”

“Not as good as they are at Magnus’ place I’m guessing.”

Oh, shit.

“You wanna tell me what you’re talking about? I have work to do, you know.” Alec said.

“You are the one in here humming, man. You tell me what it’s about.”

“Uhh, humming?” Alec questioned, his brows furrowing.

“Yes, Alec. You were just humming. I know the song too…it’s on the mundane radio. What’s the name of it?”

It hit Alec then, that the songs from the concert they went to last night must have been on his brain and he must’ve been subconsciously humming the tunes. That was something he never even realized he was doing unless Magnus pointed it out to him, and he wasn’t about to admit it to Jace. “No, I wasn’t.”

Jace laughed, “Yeah, you were. Seriously, what is that name of that song? It’s going to drive me crazy until I think of it.”

“What song?” Izzy asked, walking into the room in her sparring clothes.

Great. The only thing worse than having one of his siblings tease him about something was having both of them do it. He rolled his eyes all the way to the sky and clasped his hands behind his back, ipad still in hand.

“He won’t tell me. He was in here humming something and I can’t think of what the song’s called,” Jace filled their sister in.

Izzy looked from Jace to him and Alec knew that she wasn’t even going to ask him about it. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t going to admit to such a thing.

Instead she asked Jace, “How did it go?”

Jace reenacted the song he had heard him murmuring, and much to Alec’s disdain he actually did a pretty good job.

Izzy’s loud voice suddenly echoed through the training room, “Lady Gaga?!”

Jace pointed at Izzy “Yes! That’s it! It was on the tip of my tongue. What’s the song called?”

Izzy looked at Alec expectantly, and he just sighed heavily and answered the question himself, “Born this way.”

Izzy grinned at him and Jace opened his mouth in shock before asking, “Since when do you sing Lady Gaga? I didn’t even know you listened to her.”

“I wasn’t singing.”

Isabelle giggled and the sound caused his lips to lift up in the tiniest smile. “Why are you making this such a big deal? It’s in my head because we went to the concert last night.”

His sister jumped and smacked him on the arm, “No way! I thought she was in Europe!”

“We portaled to Berlin. No big deal.” Alec rubbed his arm, while thinking that his sister was definitely as strong as she looked.

Jace shook his head, “Wow. I never thought I’d see the day that you would actually enjoy mundane pop culture like this.”

Alec frowned. “Yeah, well, Magnus loves music, so he’s been showing me some of his favorites.”

“That’s amazing, big brother! Next time, though, I want to go too.”

Oh no. What had he done? A damn song got stuck in his head and now he had his siblings joining him for date night?! Unbelievable.

“I don’t know…I mean, I’d have to talk to Magnus first.”

“Of course, but I’m sure Magnus won’t mind. He loves us. Jace you wanna go right?”

Alec let it remain unsaid that Magnus quite liked their alone time away from the loft. People had a habit of bursting in their private space, and so they often left the city or even the country a few times a week to be alone for a few hours.

Jace wrinkled his nose, “Depends who it is. Some music is just terrible.”

It was clear Alec wasn’t getting out of this anytime soon, so he thought of the plans they had just discussed for the next weekend.

“We are taking Madzie to a concert next weekend. I guess you could come, too, if you want.”

Jace asked, “Who is it?”

“It’s…D…One…or One…D, something like that. Madzie likes them, and Magnus said I won’t regret going.

“One Direction?!” Izzy asked in disbelief.

Jace chimed in, “It can’t be that. They aren’t playing together right now. They have solo projects. Maybe it is one of the members, but it can’t be the entire band.”

He squinted an eye at Jace and couldn’t seem to wipe the judgey look off of his face.

“What?! Simon talks about music non-stop. He doesn’t shut up about it. So I know a thing or two.”

Alec shook his head at Jace and then went back to the topic at hand. “I know they broke up, or are on a break or whatever, but this is like a private concert at a birthday party for one of Magnus friends. They are just doing this one time thing.”

“Oh my god, Alec. Are you kidding me? How in the world did Magnus’ friend get One Direction to perform together again?”

“First of all, Magnus is magical and he can do anything. Second of all, he’s a warlock too, so I’m sure that helps.”

Jace chimed in again, “Wait, who’s a warlock?”

Alec looked at the clock on the wall. He had exactly ten minutes until his meeting. He really didn’t have time for this. He started walking backwards out of the room. “The guy in the band. I’ve met him a few times.”

Izzy’s eyes grew wide. “Which guy in the band?! This is very important info, Alec. ”

“The guy with the long brown hair.”

Jace and Izzy said in unison, “Harry?!”

“Yeah, him. He’s a nice guy. Listen, I gotta go, ok. Meeting,” He said as he retreated even further.

“Fine, but ask Magnus if we can go. And actually, this conversation isn’t over. I’ll meet you in your office at noon and we can have lunch while you tell me about all the famous people Magnus knows.”

Alec rolled his eyes, but ultimately agreed. He got down the hall before he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Magnus.

“Alexander. What great timing you have. I just woke up,” he said in an adorable sleepy voice that made Alec wish he was there.

“Is there any way that my family can go with us to the concert next weekend? They found out I was going and apparently they are fans.”

“Even Jace?” Magnus asked incredulously.

“Oddly enough, yes. Something about Simon introducing him to different kinds of music.”

Magnus chuckled, and Alec could hear the rustling of blankets in their bed. Torture. That’s what this was.

“Sure. I’ll call him today. With Madzie going, it’s not like it’s adult time anyway.”

“Right. Yeah, but can we please not tell them about Cher in a few weeks? I was so looking forward to being in Paris alone with you.”

“Mmmmmmmm. How about this? I won’t tell them about Cher if you take the day off tomorrow and do absolutely nothing with me.”

Alec didn’t even hesitate, even though he could count on one hand the number of days he had ever had off. “Deal. See you at six for dinner?”

“See you at six. I Love you.” Magnus said.

“I love you, too.” Alec said, before going back to find his brother and ask him if he could hold down things at the institute tomorrow. A random day off. Just another one of many things that had changed since he met and fell in love with Magnus Bane.

#xmusicxbooksxbandsx #shgiftfest17 #fic #malec

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outfromunderthegaslight · 7 years

Text

Bitter Sweet Comes in the Morning

Last night I spent hours weeping. Not the kind of pretty tears that you see slowly pouring from girls eyes in the movies. The kind of grief that causes your whole body to shake without warning or explanation; stricken with sadness is a very real and horribly tangible thing. Sometimes the body’s response to extreme abuse comes over me like a plague. It seeps into the marrow of my bones like cancer. It’s not a good look for anyone, much less a lady. In those moments which seem to occur further and further apart from the last, I have this terribly dark though: Josh is still present in my roots. No matter how much my tree will blossom, no matter what good fruits or lovely flowers I produce. He still has destroyed a very deep part of my being.

I can’t decide if admitting that shows great strength or immense weakness. I suppose that like all things, perspective and time will shed light on both the weeds and the flowers in my little garden of life. I find great irony in the moments of my darkening hour, that my ex must have also been in a particularly dark spot for at 1:00 AM last night with I was crying myself to sleep he finally agreed to sign and proceed with paperwork for the divorce. Talk about a joy comes in the morning kind of day. It’s funny that I almost feel bad for something so long coming to actually maybe have closure. I have certainly moved on with my life, but having a looming indefinite portion was definitely the cause for some misunderstood, creeping below the surface stress.

Sometimes I feel completely happy and as carefree as Gene Kelley from “Singing in the Rain.” Other days, I can’t seem to muster enough motivation to put pants on, much less to dance. When I said “I Do” I didn’t think of it as a command for my own death sentence. I may as well have said, “I Will.” I Will forfeit years of my life to a boy who does not and will not know how to love me for all of me. I Will lie to my former self for years and make excuses for manipulation claiming that it is love and protection. Unbeknownst to me, I Will redefine for several years what health and happiness look like. I Will forget how much they once suited me. I Will deny the fact that my ex was unfaithful to me with countless girls. The multitudes of testimonies and his confessions and what I saw with my own two eyes diminished to a fairytale I thought or was made to think or maybe wanted to believe was the truth. I Will live in a false reality contrived to the point that even to this day, the details are all a little on the murky side. I will be broken down to the point that dear friends and family do not recognize who I have become.

I didn’t think it was possible to get to where I am. I swore that if I loved you and if you loved me that our love would be enough to weather any sort of storm. I truly thought that my “I Do” meant more to you than two words you would twist to shape and fill the darkest needs you had. The fact that I gave you my heart is a gut-wrenching reality, You put me through a fucking meat grinder and remade my soul into something easy for you to palette. Just so you could chew me up and spit me right out. I like to think that I grieved and moved on, but the truth of the matter is that your words and actions still very much have a terrible power over me. The kind of grasp that chokes me to tears. The kind of hold that truly sucks the life right out of me. Clarity of mind and word obliterated. I’m rarely at an extreme loss for words. If I’m being honest, I usually have enough thoughts and feelings to fill a novel. My reassurance is the hardest thing to admit that you snatched from the pit of my soul and replaced it with your most powerful weapon: self-doubt.

It didn’t happen over night. I didn't lose my fire with one heaping bucket of watery turmoil. It began with ember by ember being scorched and buried. For I was the one who buried my pride. Buried my opinions. But most of all, I hid away any and all of my wants and needs for absolute fear that if I were to give you my heart once more, you would surely do what you had done time and time again. Habits take time to form. I tried for years to give you my heart and show you my world. But it did not lead to a magic carpet ride. Instead, it led to my feminine being ground into the carpet so many times until I forgot.

I forgot how to love and be loved. I am truly remorseful that I took my wants and needs and dreams to other people. I am sorry that I stopped going on adventures with you. I am not and will not ever be sorry or regret my choice to leave you. You were never going to change and you proved to me that I was not worth it to you. I was not worth your time or your energy. Maybe it’s because you knew you had lost that privilege years ago. And that was by your own conscious or self-conscious doing. Maybe you really are crazy. Maybe you truly can’t help your own mental insanity. The psychologist's evaluation would certainly lead me to believe that as the reality. Did you know that I didn’t even read your evaluation in its entirety for over 6 months after you gave it to me? Maybe it was because I didn’t want to believe the truth that I knew to be so deep within my bones. Or maybe it was because, then, like now, you are not worth my time. In some ways, I wish I had been able to hold onto the anger that consumed my heart. It was much easier remaining angry as opposed to actually processing the truth.

The truth is that try as I might fix myself, to be a little bit better for you, to be enough for you, that I nor any other man or woman in the world would be either. For your sake, I wish that was not the case. I pity what you have become and truly wish you joy. But here’s where the sheep are separated from the lambs, where the men are distinguished from the boys; two halves do not make a whole: two whole people make a whole person. You were sick, you were not whole. My very best would never change that. And although I can acknowledge that now it does not change the conditioning to strive for perfection and never be good enough for you. You made that crystal clear. My truth was never enough, my lies were never enough, my work was never enough, myself was never enough because of you, yourself were never enough.

THat’s a bitter pill to swallow and a hard tea to let steep. I am not playing the victim card although if I am going to be completely real in this open letter the victim is what I am. the victim is what you made me into. I wept last night not just because of words you said to me, but because of truths, I was made to believe. I, unfortunately, had a hard time opening up about my wants and needs because you made me feel worthless for ever acknowledging those things. I was crumpled in a ball because someone wanted me to believe something I knew in my heart not to be true. I will never be force-fed a false reality even when it’s easier to nod and smile than to fight and have my body go into full shutdown mode. That I still have triggers like that. To that degree pains me deeply. But it is a kind reminder of why I went through hell and back to leave you.

Thank God for that. Who knows where I would be now. Maybe I never would have found and reformed the girl I once was into the woman I am now. That my dear is far scarier than an inconvenience I am experiencing now. I do still show the heartache of going through abuse. Sometimes I try to tell myself things that if they had run a different course would still allow for us to be together, although, after a taste of what it’s really like to love and be loved, even those changes wouldn’t matter. Because deep down, you would still be you. There’s far too much hurt there, far too much poison in the well to ever drink from again. I acknowledged that on Feb. 15th, 2015. Maybe and hopefully you accepted the same today.

So with all that said and so much left unsaid, cheers to our pending divorce. May you never have to go through what you put me through.

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