#Seriously this is way more real than I really ever like to be
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Manifest
JJ Maybank x reader
this is literally the world’s most satisfying fic because i’ve always said im kitty in a bunny-esc disguise. It’s my first time taking this seriously and actually trying so feedback would be nice :3 also thank you to @dulc3vida and @rafeysdoll for pre-reading this.
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The lights in the grocery store are always too bright. Their fluorescent hum always poisons the air. You look at the frozen food, scanning the prices. Only interrupted by the boy who has been following you around the store for ages, asking about the most nonsensical things, “Okay, okay, wha'bout the bracelet? How’d ya u get that?”
You blink before answering, “oh umm… yeah i made it”
He hums in surprise- leaning in to look at it closer, snaking his fingers around your wrists to raise it to his level.
“ummm… a few years ago…” You say, tentatively pulling back your wrist, still focused on the foods in front of you.
“a few? damn. it looks pretty new. what’s it for?” He's leaning over you now, seemingly unfamiliar with the concept of personal space with how he's now twirling your hair around his finger. You pull your head back.
“just… wanted some jewelry…” You neglected to tell him it was because the girls back in elementary school made fun of you for not having any accessories
He pauses for a second, trying to find a way to continue the conversation, unfamiliar with having to put in effort- actual effort- into flirting, "so jus 'cuz?"
You nod “just ‘cause” he looks at you up close for the first time. He’s seen you around the island, vaguely remembering Pope mentioning you in passing but this is the first time he’s had a full conversation with you. To his credit, he HAS noticed you but now he sees the bags under your eyes, it doesn’t take way from your beauty but it does scream that you don’t sleep well.
“ya get much sleep?” he asks, he’s still staring at you. not to mention it’s the most he’s seen you up close. he’s seeing you, really seeing you, for the first time. his brows furrow ever so slightly.
“mmm? - i ummm.” You shake your head in surprise “Oh I just got off my shift at the club on Figure 8. So 'm a bit sleepy”
he notices your exhaustion, even with the make up and hair. it’s in your eyes, your demeanor, your speech. he crosses his arms and leans against the wall, letting that flirtatious edge to his tone fade a bit. “ya shouldn’t be workin' like that, ya know. ya lookin real tired ma” and he says it like he really means it. like maybe he actually cares, which is insane… but maybe he does.
“oh i- i need the money” or rather your mom does. She’s been sick and her care has been draining your bank account for years. Her benefits only pay for so much, especially since most of the money gets stolen by your biological father (sperm donor) who can’t even be bothered to show up consistently, only rearing his head from his hiding spot every month around payday.
his tone instantly changes again. he looks away, his body stiffening. he doesn’t try to hide that he’s upset, it’s all in his expression. “know ya need money kit, i’ve talked to Pope enough to know what’s up, yeah?”
“Oh” You shift from foot to foot. You remember Pope, he’s the only person who could outdo you on tests, mainly because you’re a sleep-deprived mess nowadays. But you give him a run for his money even so.
“yeah, sugar. m'not that stupid.” he teases even though he looks like he’s about to explode. “so ya really be workin’ all the hours you can, huh?”
You nod. 'Why was JJ Maybank of all people talking to me anyway, much less calling me babe' you think, 'it’s not like we’re in the same circle, our only connection, Pope Heyward, doesn’t seem a good enough reason to start a conversation in the middle of a grocery store'
JJ crosses his arms and leans against the wall again, tapping his foot as he considers. when he finally speaks he seems more frustrated than flirtatious, a notable contrast to his usual manner. “so, you’re like, barely sleepin’, right?”
You continue comparing prices in your head, getting food for the week “Umm… how do you know that?”
“Um… i have eyes,” he says, mocking you to a degree, as if this is obvious. “you look tired. how much you work every week?”
You blink owlishly, too tied and over stimulated for this conversation, “A lot”.
“hmm- so… lemme get this straight,” JJ reaches his hands out slightly making a frame with his fingers. “the boss knows ya got your mom to take care of," he pushes he hands out with every phrase, "plus- plus ya don’t get more than like, 4 hours of sleep a night, and you probably don’t eat much either ‘cause you’re, y’know… working and…” his tone trails off. Putting his hands down, “who does the work around your house? the chores?”
“i do” you mumble, face twisting in confused annoyance.
“i can tell.” his tone is like he just realized something. “ya don’t have anyone who can help you? no other family?”
Your hands tighten around the small cart you’re pushing around. Family. Truthfully, no. You don’t have anyone. A father (or rather sperm donor as you like to call him) somewhere that you’re sure of. An aunt who lives somewhere in South Carolina but in the grand scheme of things, no. You don’t have family. “No” You answer plainly.
“damn,” he mumbles as he watches you, almost like he didn’t realize he said it aloud. he’s staring right at you, he’s still and quiet. “and nobody, like, helps you with that? gotta just do it alone?”
Your eye twitches. Why do you care? you want to ask him. “Yep” you say instead.
“yeah, but—“ he pauses like he’s about to continue but then he stops himself. " okay okay, i have a question. n be honest, alright?”
You’re beyond caring at this point, scanning the items in your cart and calculating the prices in your head. 'Ramen noodles, pizza, a loaf of bread… i have to put something back' “Okay” you respond.
“how do you do it?” he shakes his head again and his eyes are intense. “i mean- really, how do you just do it? all this…” he shrugs and gestures to you, to your cart. “how do you just keep going when you’re barely sleeping, barely eatin’, working your ass off?"
You shrug “Don’t have another choice” You’re right of course, the breadwinner in your family, since 14.
his eyebrows rise again “who’s gonna take care of your mom when you get sick? what are you gonna do if you end up fucking passin' out or somethin' man?”
“Just gotta push through it” You sigh as you put back the frozen Pizza. A diet of bread and ramen noddles is gonna be it for me this week. $3.79.
he watches you do this and seems to be doing some mental math. he takes two frozen pizzas from the shelf beside you and tosses each one into your cart.
after he’s done, he crosses his arms again and stares at you. “so, you’re gonna work and work and work and put yourself through all this bullshit until one day you’re burnt out? is that the plan?”
“why’d you do that?” You ignore his question in favor of putting back the frozen pizzas, You want them, you really do but can’t afford them. or at least that's what you wanna tell yourself.
his eyes narrow. “cuz those pizzas probably have twice the nutrition value of the rest of your damn shit. you’re gonna need them if you’re gonna keep up that ridiculous work schedule shit.”
You eye him “well it doesn’t matter, I can’t afford them anyway”
“and why’s that?” he asks, but he already knows the answer. your financial struggles are pretty damn clear, especially to someone who’s aware of your situation.
“i just can’t okay!?” Maybe you could’ve been kinder, especially when he’s just trying to help in his own JJ way.
he watches you, his gaze boring into you. there’s no way he doesn’t get your financial struggle; that’s obvious. but he pushes anyway. “you can’t afford it? or ya can’t let yourself spend the money 'cuz of your mom?”
“both” You mumble as you make sure you have the money for the pitiful haul.
his eyes are sharp as he looks at you, fighting the urge to make you look at him, “no, i’m askin' you; why don’t you think you deserve these? you have to have a decent meal eventually or you’re going to hurt yourself in the long run.” He shrugs his shoulders as if it were the most obvious fact in the world, and he was the genius who discovered it.
His tone is sobering compared to his usual playfulness . “It’s not a question of deserve” You say as you roll your cart to the register “Can’t afford it. Even if i want to”
“but you could make room for it in your budget,” he says. “you can make room for them, but you don’t want to. because if you did, that would mean… spendin' money on yourself. Hmm? puttin' your needs in front of your mom’s, right?” He points at you while he speaks, shaking his finger as if he’s scolding you.
You’re silent at his words, opting to load the two items into the checkout instead.
he watches you in silence as you scan and pay for your groceries. he speaks again. “your mom gets her meds before you do, right?”
You freeze at that. your blood boils. You’ve only ever told one person of that detail. Pope fucking Heyward. That bitch. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”
"think it’s pretty damn obvious what i’m talkin' about,” he says, his tone harsh. “you work your ass off, take care of your mom, and you’re lucky if you get to eat once a day. ya put her meds first, don’t you?”
You walk to my rickety bike. Rusty, painted pink by a kind neighbor, a small basket in the front “Why do you care?”
“why do i care that you are putting your life in danger to take care of a sick mother?” he repeats back to you. “why do i care that- that you’re starving yourself and running off of a couple hours of sleep a night to make sure that she’s alright? why do i care about that?”
“No one else does” You fumble with the nex- to-useless chain on the bike “You used to not care. Keep it that way” You swing your leg over the bike and take off, leaving JJ Maybank staring off after you. You don’t look back.
he watches you leave, frustration and concern etched in his expression. eventually, he sighs and mutters under his breath as he watches you round a corner. “goddamn it, kittycat,” he mutters under his breath. “goddamn it.”
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thank you for reading cuties!!! send ur thoughts bc I'm so nervy to be posting this AHHH but!!! But Im very proud of this lil fic because its my little brain child. (A lil bit inspired by @princessbrunette and @starfxkr for kitty!reader and I think one of them wrote about kitty meeting JJ in a grocery store and I thought it was the cutest shit bc who doesn't dress up to go to the store in case there's a cute guy) and thank you again to @dulc3vida and @rafeysdoll for helping me out KISSES!!!!
<3
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Jokes and being 'horny on main' aside I find it so fascinating how many women are drawn to both Spencer Reid and MGG. Like he's not classically handsome, in the way most macho Hollywood men are. He's softer, more poetic looking and his personality is also very unique. I think he feels safe (from what we know anyways), and there's something to be said for why women (especially younger women) go nuts for this kind of smart, goofy, caring guy who is truly weird (more so MGG than Spencer). Yet you'll still have incels on Reddit/Twitter parading the toxic alpha male shit to impressionable men and creating this vicious cycle.
There was actually an interesting class I took on Romance novels and how because they're sort of an unexplored medium that hasn't been taken seriously in the cultural zeitgeist until recently it's been able to develop into a safe space for women, written by women. A lot of men call them unrealistic and yes they can lean trope-y and drama-esque but also at their core its about women reading about men that are good communicators, with decent personalities and hygiene
idk WHY he is the most visually appealing man I’ve ever seen, and idk why he has this crazy staying power for me—like normally my celebrity crushes are crazy intense for a few months and then they just disappear one day, but me and matthew are approaching our year anniversary and i see no signs of stopping lol!!
i think personality does have a lot to do with it. mgg is genuinely a weirdo like he’s a weird dude with a lot of heart and he seems really passionate about the things he does. men who care about something outside of themselves, and don’t take themselves too seriously, do tend to make me feel safer. i can’t speak for other women and obviously we don’t know him in real life but if he’s secretly an asshole he does a fantastic job of hiding it!! his sense of humor requires a kind of self awareness and awareness of other people that we don’t usually expect from famous men, and the way he speaks about and interacts w his female friends/coworkers is really amazing too.
idk, obviously we don’t actually know him and i try very much not to idolize people (especially men) who i don’t know. but he’s so funny and seems like an actually kind person who lacks some of the hangups that other male celebrities have and that make them repellant to me
also men saying romance novels are “unrealistic” need to give me a fucking break. women know that the men they read about in romance novels aren’t realistic representations of men in real life but men don’t seem to understand that porn is a fucking joke and not a realistic representation of real women. yet they hold us to those ludicrous standards all the time. until they start thinking about the porn they watch as a complete MADE UP FANTASY the way women think about romance novels i really do not want to hear it from them lmfaooo
especially when our fantasy is being treated respectfully by a good man and their fantasies include anti gravity boobs and removed ribs and viewing women as objects made for their pleasure
can you tell im mad about this…
anyway thank you for sharing your thoughts!! i completely agree<3
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My darling @silenzahra you have been so kind to me and I really am happy when you reach out to ask more about me during these games.
I’m late but can you accept these pictures of your favourite green clad plumber? They made me smile as I was browsing.
My dearest @vulpixfairy1985, you're not late at all! 🥹 I always love asking you as many questions as possible in the ask games, since I love to get to know you a bit better, especially since we both seem to have so much in common! It makes me feel so much more connected to you! 🥰🫂
As for the pictures, I can only CRY, because, my God, I've been getting so much Luigi content in my inbox today!!! I honestly don't know what I did to deserve you all, you're so sweet and kind and I love you SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭
Thank you for these cute and beautiful pictures!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 AW I just LOVE how adorable and handsome he looks in all of them, makes me want to hug him even MORE 😭😭😭😭😭 The one with Polterpup is so CUTE!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 I love the idea of them going on an adventure together, and AAAAAAHHHH LUAISY ON THE SECOND ONE????? 😭😭😭😭😭 YOU SPOIL ME, DEAR FRIEND, AW THEY LOOK SO ADORABLE AND SWEET, SHARING A KNOWING LAUGH WHILE HAPPILY HUGGING AAAAAAAWWWWW MY BABIES I LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART 😭😭😭😭😭
The ones from the movie!!!!! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 I just LOVE how you selected one in which he looks as cute as he is and another one in which he's frowning and looking determined and angry AAAAAAAAHHHHHH I seriously NEED to marry this man Luigi why aren't you REAL 😭😭😭😭😭
And the last one!!!!! 😍😍😍😍😍 The last one has me SCREAMING OH MY GOD THE CUTENESS 😭😭😭😭😭 This is something we've discussed a lot, right @itsavee4117 @bberetd? The way Luigi looks EXTREMELY cute in Mario Odyssey, like, more than ever!!!!! 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 That little face of him AWWWWWW I wanna squish those rosy cheeks so BADLY 😭😭😭😭😭
Thank you again for this treat, dear friend!!!!! 🥹🥹🥹 It has truly made me SO HAPPY 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 I love you SO MUCH!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖
#honestly guys what did I do to deserve you#you're all so AMAZING#I love you wholeheartedly 🫂💖#THANK YOU SO MUCH 🥹#super mario bros#super mario#mario and luigi#luigi#mario#death stare#luigi my beloved#asks#answered asks
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ASSIGN YOUR FAMILY A SCOOBY DOO CHARACTER, GO!
Fred - Donnie, HAH, BET YOU WERE EXPECTING ME TO SAY HE'D BE VELMA WELL NO. listen, yeah, on the outside, he probably would fit Velma the most, but exploring Donnie entirely as a person <- (and with my knowledge of growing up with the guy), he's Fred. He believes in the paranormal, and he has these elaborate plans, theories, and inventions towards solving things just like Fred. "But Leo! Fred is bone headed and the leader!!" <- (nobody said ever, and if you did, i mean, you're right in some iterations, but...) to that I say, nuh uh, Fred's smart in his own way and I like to argue that none of them are really the leader at all, they usually take charge when they have to (usually it's between Daphne, Fred and Velma tho)
But also funny haha reason is that i'm pretty sure Fred is autistic and building traps is his special interest, and Donnie's special interest <- (aside from botany) is building stuff so
Daphne - Raph, mostly because if they did have a set leader, it was her all along like seriously she took charge alot and not many people give her credit for it I don't think, just like Raphie. She's super smart! She's more than being pretty! She is not a damsel! I'm pretty sure i've seen her clock a bad guy once or twice and she also helps with planning. I think Fred said he always thought she was the leader in one of the iterations too!!!! So yeah, raph.
Velma - April, okay I know velma doesn't believe in the paranormal and April does and she finds that stuff super exciting but the enthusiasm Velma has towards investigating reminds me of April and her whole obsession with being a news reporter or something. She isn't afraid to stick her nose where it doesn't belong in order to find the answer and April just seems like the type to know the answer but keep it to herself until the the last moment for like...dramatic twist...
Also she's blind w/o her glasses sooo
Shaggy - Me
Scooby - Mikey, he's loyal and will stick by your side during danger and also I just think the fact that Scooby and Shaggy are the duo ever that are terrified of ghosts and um...you know...thinking back to the gumbus...ANYWAY. I think the whole shaggy and scooby jumping into each other's arms screaming fits us. The shaggy scooby thing can interchange i just think Scoob fits better in the end <- (Mostly cause Shaggy was able to solve a few mysteries on his own even tho he was scared and he usually DOES rationally think that no way ghosts aren't real only to go back on that later upon facing a "ghost" immediately after and that's so me except i was right so)
SRY IF THIS ISN'T READABLE 😓😓
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yes i'm rooting for m*leven breakup because byler is neat but mostly? i'm rooting for m*leven breakup for the sake of el and mike.
to me, their romance was always a puppy love born out of a combination of social pressures, naïve curiosity, and a lack of true understanding regarding intimacy and romantic love and what it really is. it was real in that they do truly, deeply care about each other and they are close friends, maybe even shared an attraction, but a maturing romance is so much more than that. they've grown up and out of being boyfriend/girlfriend, and that's okay! i think television/film needs to show more often that most of us don't have definite "soulmates" or first childhood loves that we spend our whole lives with. it doesn't mean these relationships meant nothing and didn't impact us, it just means they've run their course and that something else is in the cards, and this is part of life!
i've always felt el was at her best and most confident self when broken up with mike, discovering who she was and what she liked alongside another girl her age instead of just relying on mike for mentorship on how to live in the real world. she deserves more of an opportunity to find herself, her autonomy, and her independence, and to love who she is, and she's made it clear she's felt insecure in the relationship with mike because she isn't being loved and understood the way she wants, needs, and deserves from someone who is her partner.
also, it's okay if mike doesn't love her in "the way he should". he is not obligated to love her romantically and stay in a relationship with her just because she's a girl, because she "needed someone", or because he cares about her a lot. he shouldn't be pressured into a romance if it's not truly coming from his heart. he deserves freedom to find out and honour who he is, too, instead of just staying in his non-functional first relationship — one he got into as a child, essentially — and defining himself that way because it's what's expected when a boy and a girl are close. he loves her in some way, yes, but it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable or secure being her boyfriend anymore, for whatever reason that is. he's felt insecure too, and that's valid and it matters.
they are their own people and are steadily growing and changing every day. they need time to figure out who those people are, and it's become clear (at least in my opinion) that those people aren't meant to be a couple at this stage.
they deserve freedom. they deserve to grow up and be authentic to themselves and not feel like they need to lie for the sake of a relationship. they deserve to move on from this version of their relationship that isn't making them happy and rekindle the best part of their bond: their strong, beautiful friendship. they don't have to be a couple if it doesn't make them stronger and better and happier people.
i think it would be healthy and wonderful for a show, especially one consumed frequently by young adults, to show a relationship starting, progressing, and ending on good terms in this way. sometimes things don't work out, and that is okay.
#eve text#elmike#stranger things#byler#only tagging byler because i feel like yall will like this take lol#tagging tagging tagging WHAT ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS#god i can't believe i'm making a post about stranger things. this feels like poking a bear#i'm not particularly anti m*leven but like... they'd have to do something pretty special at this point for me to feel like it's viable#i'm seeing the bts of s5 and it's got me Having Thoughts#elmike friendship is something i am so passionate about#even before i ever liked byler (didn't ship at all until s4 even though i knew it was a thing before) i've felt this way about elmike#i always believed they were close friends at heart and needed to break up#the romance part of them felt very distinctly young and very much “he was a boy she was a girl” to me#and it hasn't deepened into anything more mature and i don't see how it could based on the current state of the writing...#the fact that lumax exists — a young relationship that is actively maturing and is healthy — makes that clear to me#and the “love confession” in s4 and how disingenuous and miserable it felt was just the nail in the coffin#also the fact that will (who is IN LOVE with mike) was instrumental in making it happen? ... uh... okay... interesting choice…#fucked up and reductive if they make it another queer unrequited love sacrifice for the sake of pushing the heterosexual agenda YUCK#so i really hope the speculation about a m*leven breakup is real!! i think it just makes sense for their characters but who knows#i don't believe in the notion of love at first sight or one true love and i think the writers don't too???#love to me is an accumulation of experiences and we inevitably choose it at some point rather than fall into it... but idk#tv is so fixated on keeping couples together... sometimes it's just not reality guys especially with young people... LET IT GO...#like i said though i'm not 100% sold that they're going to give up their “golden couple” LMAO#stranger things hasn't historically subverted too many tropes if i'm being honest#anyway i seriously need this season to come out quickly... i'm so bored and getting my master's is crushing my soul#i need frivolity#ALSO btw i won't respond to hateful messages about this so please don't bother. it's not that serious. this is a netflix show
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Texting habits per judging function
No one asked, but here are some observations I've made in my personal life.
*Note that this probably differs by age, gender, and culture (for instance, I have been told by several Americans that I use an insane amount of emojis, whereas it's not considered weird at all here in Germany).
FJ:
Generally very good at texting, will respond to absolutely every point you make. If you send them a long voice message, they can be found taking notes while listening so that they will not forget to answer any point you made.
Have a very hard time leaving someone on read and if they do, either something happened and they forgot, or they simply don't like you very much. If they open the message, they answer. If they don't have time to answer you right now, they simply will not open the message yet.
If the text conversation is done (i.e. you wrote something like "bye, see you tomorrow!" that does not require another response), they will still at the very least send you an emoji back for no reason other than letting you know that "Yes! I read your message! I'm not ignoring you! I love you!" (Literally every FJ I have ever known does this. Every single one, including myself.)
They will adapt to your style of texting. If you are the kind of person that likes to send a bunch of heart emojis to friends and the FJ friend is not, they will still pepper in a heart here and there. If you generally don't use emojis, they will use them only occasionally. If you reply in wallpaper long messages, so will they. If you break up your messages into several texts one after the other, so will they.
FPs:
Also generally quite good at texting and can actually appear a lot warmer in writing than in person (there have been several instances where I received really lovely messages from FPs who I used to think hated my guts whenever we met in person).
Prepare for emojis. Seriously.
You can have infinitely long text conversations with them. If you are willing to commit, the conversation between the two of you will never end. With NFPs, the conversations usually end up spiralling into nonsense scenarios, while SFPs keep telling you about their day and keep answering you about your day every day.
TPs:
(my texting experience with TPs is unfortunately very limited, so feel free to fill in my blanks)
Fe is very noticeable in the extroverts, i.e. they tend to go the FJ route described above, but in a more nonchalant and more relaxed way. Like with FJs, the focus of the conversation is on you and their dynamic with you.
The introverts (i.e. my dad, i.e. my only point of reference) are bad at texting and prefer to call, so almost all text conversations go something like this:
TP: "Hi, I tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. I hope everything is alright with you?" You: "Yes, sorry. Everything's good here, how about you, everything okay?" --- end of conversation ---
TJs:
Generally bad at texting. Also don't really like it and see no point in it, so they usually prefer calling or talking in person.
Will appear colder in writing than in person, especially the STJs. Their answers will be straight to the point. No beating around the bush and no needless extension of a conversation in form of jokes/questions/anecdotes for a bonding experience. If they want to tell you something, they will tell you in person.
Have absolutely zero problem leaving people on read and usually don't mean anything by it.
STJs rarely use emojis, NTJs do but not excessively
If their answer requires them to type anything more than two sentences, they will send you a voice message instead. (Literally every single TJ I know does this, except my INTJ brother who is a complete maniac and calls instead.)
#the TJ way of texting will never stop confusing me#i usually don't look at other people's phones but i once witnessed an istj's text conversation and it's been haunting me ever since#she had just visited her husband's family with their kids and her mother-in-law sent her a really long lovely message#saying how much she enjoyed their visit and how much she loved each and every one of them and sent her a bunch of pictures#and this istj replied with 'thanks me too' and THAT WAS IT! if i had been her mother-in-law i would have assumed she doesn't like me at all#but no! this istj spent the next half hour looking at the pictures smiling softly zooming in on everyone's faces and then smiling some more#similarly one of my closest friends is an estj and she will tell you in person how much she loves you but her messages? not that warm#or my entj friend. he is a real chatterbox in person but texting? yeah no forget it#this is unimaginable for me as an FJ i would only do this as a deliberate choice to make it known that i don't want anything to do with the#so texting with a TJ always feels like recalibrating your brain to calm down and go:#'no i know they don't hate me yes i know they text like they do but i know that they don't it's okay they are like this with everyone'#and really sorry for the limited TP section. the only TPs i ever texted are my dad and some occasional acquaintances#so seriously. chime in with your observations! especially to get a broader picture from other cultures than my own as well#typing post#judging functions#cognitive functions
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every newer gen kpoppy who calls it revolutionary every time a big name bg member wears something vaguely skirt-like should be required to watch lee sungjong of infinite putting his whole pussy into performing coming of age ceremony by park jiyoon wearing the song's classic form-fitting black side-slitted dress with zero gimmicks way back in 2012
#its Required Material re: historical kpop genderfuckery#no but im 100% for real. this was in the middle of the era where bg members doing gg songs in drag and whatnot was a really#common gag at concerts and in variety shows and whatnot- especially using bg members who were/are considered the most effeminate#basically it was a big Joke and never taken seriously. alot of the time the dances would be exaggerated and whatnot and yeah they#werent like. REAL covers. werent usually respectful of the original gg/female idol's work and all that. haha man in dress type humor#i know if you're old enough to be following me and into kpop you probably know this already and im talking into space but whatever#anyway. sungjong said fuck that and fucking killed it with a genuine live cover (dance And vocals) of coming of age ceremony#which- as you can imagine based on the title- isnt just an iconic female idol song but one that's blatantly about female sexuality#and whatnot. wore the dress that's in the original mv (or something very similar) and didnt play it up with a wig or anything like that#(like what's usually the case when male idols cover gg songs to make it more clear that its a Costume and they are Crossdressing rather tha#just. being a guy and wearing a dress.)#did not shy away from the sexiness of the dance AT ALL to the point of riding the floor at one point more or less which. god fucking damn#but anyway. it's totally true to the original and is unapologetically sexy in an inherently orientation-fucking gender-fucking way and GOD#wish it got more attention than it did because THAT is revolutionary. thats the first performance i ever saw where a male idol did a#female idol song in the original female idol outfit live without any gimmick or even the implication that it COUNTS as drag. its SUCH a#big deal imo. and it helps that its really fucking hot but thats neither here nor there. anyway. i know its been years but i still have so#many feelings and opinions about sungjong's coming of age ceremony performance ghfgjhdgfdh WATCH IT#sungjong#infinite#kibumblabs
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Opinions on Dream? :^
SO many feelings about him omgg rant under cut please forgive me
okay so i don't really talk or draw him much cause honestly,,,most of the times i just think he's a bit....boring? or more accurately plain? not in a mean way either but just in a 'fades into the background' type of way like don't get me wrong!! he's a really nice friend to his peers, his feelings about his powers and aura making his relationships harder to navigate and trust along with his whole conflict with nightmare and morality about what's good and bad IS very cool!! and i love it whenever they write him to be complex and not on this black and white mentality or when he's just straight up following along his friends with no free will or with a dubious purpose without ever addressing his issues or feelings! it's just unsatisfying to me :')
or when they're making him the 'naive' and oblivious, (sometimes childish?) character being marked as the obstacle and villain along with the other star sanses from the fic's pov, always talking about doing good things while fighting his brother and not hearing him out about the balance, (and for weak reasons most of the time. like it's been so long and you STILL haven't sat down with him when he's, generally, basically begged you to just have a talk? guys please :'( ) or when they go for the victim sad dream always missing the old nightmare, where corrupted nightmare is the incarnation of evil, with no sympathy or emotion except anger and sadistic glee, killing and hurting everyone and dream's just trying to protect the multiverse and dream's always been in the right. such extremes!!!
LIKE!! i hope i'm not the only one that thinks a 500+ year old should have had enough time to idk. learn things? about people and manipulation and deceit? after knowing what the villagers did to night? about the bad things in the world and how there's a lot of grey areas in life and that he maybe reflected on his past enough to process and ask himself if there should to be a convo to settle his differences with nightmare (and you can make nightmare the stubborn one too! or have them BOTH be petty and imperfect and have some things wrong and some right at the same time like why do i always see the good guy vs bad guy cliché with these two when they're the perfect example of why positivity doesn't have meaning without the negativity!! as long as there's a satisfying evolution or growth that doesn't leave me empty i'm good yknow?)
plus i believe dream really isn't as dumb as people view him. i do get some of you saying he probably can't read or write since that's actually a pretty interesting idea to explore! but in general please let him have emotions other than pure sunshiny happiness or endless sadness like he's gotta have more depth than that! let him make mistakes, have flaws that don't just make him the bad guy that's always in the wrong by default, and be angry or suspicious or jealous or bitter or battling his mental health problems/depression or malicious or smart or witty or mischievous and silly or sarcastic or ANYTHING dude i just want him to be put into different scenarios where he can be serious or lighthearted like it doesn't even have to be long or perfect but make him feel real.
it could definitely be that i don't read or see much art about dream or really look for it hard enough but also i just. i feel bad for even saying this fr and i wanna be honest about why i don't enjoy most stories about him cause he always gets the worst treatment along with ink!!! especially ink omg the poor guy has it the worst i think like wow do they mess him up :'(
always one dimensional in non shippy fics, or too plain or easily replaceable by other, more entertaining people in the significant other's life in most of his ships like man. i have read fics out there that made me genuinely FEEL and root for him and love his character so much it restored all hope for me!!! but i can only name one on top of my head and the others? it's been so long i don't even remember their names i just legit feel terrible cause i love him still and i can't find many headcanons that fit my interpretation of him yknow?
not to say people who write him very happy, mislead or sad are ruining him like that's silly- if i see something i don't like i just. move on bro i wouldn't force people to feel or think the same way i do about him cause anyone can have whatever headcanons they want!!! just talking about what i personally look for in him and why i can't exactly find it since most of the stuff out there just isn't my cup of tea :')
hopefully i didn't set anyone off with this rambling opinionated essay i just pulled hhh xD i know i know he's a popular character and i know a lot of people like dream so *sobs* please please recommend me artists and fics about him that you think is good it's been so looong since i've read or seen anything new that makes me attached to this little guy aughg<33333
#ask#rambling#delete later?#probably xD i just wanna love him SO much but sometimes he's just *sigh*...forgettable#i tried to explain myself but also it's like 4 am and i skimmed through the proofreading so don't take this too seriously HHH#like really even when i do read good fics about him he's not on the forefront of my mind and it's painful to me :'(#i used to see him as my third fav but now? ever since i've read and seen characters who get heavier more in depth plots?#i can't say it with as much confidence :') and dream lovers out there i am not bashing your choice or even your headcanons#to each their own but i really wanna hear someone be passionate about him in my feed or askbox like TELL me about him#i've seen ink rants out there that are FIRE like so true!!! but where's the dream defense team???#maybe it's just me tho :') btw i still like cream but not the same way as before if i'm being real#it feels the same...all of it and it makes me wanna bite something ARGHGG#i know i know i ship some stuff that's basic too hhh but dream and cross are always written the same and dream is too innocent#and nightmare is too weird in some of these fics like if MY brother ever tried to literally attack my hypothetical partner????#i wouldn't give him the :'((( sad face and weakly tell him to 'please stop...you're hurting him'' like NO girl they're TWINS#they're the same age i would tell him to BACK off and not insert himself in my love life after years of ignoring and fighting LIKE#especially since most of the time cross is actually good to dream and all- so he doesn't have a good reason to disrupt his bro's dates#UGH i just have so many opinions but basically i would love him a lot lot more than i do now if they also let him be more flexible#and shake things up like with shattered and stuff! gimme alternate versions of him even if it's too ooc like we do for all the other sanses#jaa i am SO sorry you had to read all that dude thank you so much for passing by :'D
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What are your thoughts on Jane Boleyn, and the role she supposedly played in the fall of 3 Queens (Anne Boleyn, Anna of Cleves, Katheryn Howard)? Do you think she has been too maligned by historians for centuries, especially when it comes to the relationship with the Boleyns (it seems she got along with Anne)?
Now that I've read both works and compared them side by side, I suppose I would say my stance on Jane Boleyn falls somewhere in between that of Julia Fox and James Taffe ('Somewhere in between' is not, btw, Alison Weir); although closer to the former than the latter. Offering critique of both biographies, I would say that of JF is too apologetic (smoothing out wrinkles that exist in her arguments rather than acknowledging them) and JT is too severe.
Especially when it comes to the relationship with the Boleyns? Yes and no. Obviously she was married to George, she sent him a message of comfort while he was in the Tower, and wore only black the rest of her life, which was quite the potent statement. However, I would allow for the possibility that she potentially, inadvertently implicated him or AB (ie, testimony of hers was twisted to suit the crown's case). This is where I think there are flaws in the arguments of some of her defenders-- they cannot allow for even that possibility and so make claims that disallow it; some of which are untrue. 'Jane was only blamed as a means of absolving Henry in the whitewash of Elizabethan propagandists' is not true. Johannes Sleidan in 1545 claimed that Anne and George died by her 'false accusation'. Sleidan was a Reformer, so he would have been more sympathetic towards the plights of these two than the average person, and would have spoken to others that were as well, but the motivation to vindicate Elizabeth did not yet exist; she was at this point the very unlikely third in line to the throne.
I do appreciate that you said 'got along' with Anne, not 'besties', because...it's possible they were very close, certainly, but we must also allow for the possibility of animosity. The linchpin for the argument of closeness is the report from Chapuys that they 'conspired together' to banish Henry's mistress from court. Was this the precise truth? Considering the source I'm doubtful. Probably there was a lady Henry was serving at this time (although that we never have a name makes the story somewhat suppositious), but did they need to have 'conspired together' against her for Jane to be banished from court (which is what happened instead)? Jane might have merely made Anne aware of her, and Henry finding out that she'd been the source would have been enough for banishment. Or, as was presented plausibly in Adrienne Dillard's fictional rendition, Jane might have dropped hints to Cromwell that this mistress was a supporter of the two exiled and contumacious royal women that were Anne's adversaries, Cromwell might have passed this along to Henry, and Henry might have banished Jane for shattering the illusion that this woman had no independent ambitions or ulterior motives and merely let him hit for the sheer pleasure of his company.
If this was evidence of closeness, and it might be, then we also have to remember that the end result was Jane's banishment from court, and that there is, as JT fairly pointed out, no evidence that any of the Boleyns spoke in her defense, favor, or for her return. It would take an extremely magnanimous person to accept all that with equanimity and not feel any resentment whatsoever. So, if there was intimacy, there might have also been rift.
That leaves the question: enough 'rift' for her to seek vengeance? I doubt that much for all the reasons Fox outlines in her biography, but at the same time I wish there was not this relentless push to only defend women that we assert 'deserve' defense, on the premise they were entirely selfless, accepted every insult with grace, never kept any grudges, never had personal ambitions (the actions she took during the queenships of those you mentioned would suggest otherwise), mixed emotions, or conflicting loyalties; that we could acknowledge that acknowledging the agency of historic women also means acknowledging they were capable of making mistakes.
#anon#it feels like an 'overcorrection' to some degree. if that makes sense?#altho that's generally what ppl say about AB too and i generally think they're wrong lol#'waaah AB apologism waaaaahhh joanna denny wahhhhhhhhhhhh h/ayley nolan'#bitch. no one serious is taking those seriously. if joanna denny was the definitive AB bio that would be one thing#the definitive is eric ives who oh no said in his personal opinion that his favorite was more attractive in personality and appearance#than the other...oh my god that is the worst thing anyone has every said in the HISTORY OF TIME#are y'all this sensitive in real life bcus fr.#how do you bitches SURVIVE..................#anyway what i was initially going to say after coming back to this:#*ever#like the way this figure is used to have it both ways really bothers...me?#i think there's some ambiguity here but like#i read someone claim that JS must have been 'so sweet' bcus otherwise JB would not have been her lady in waiting....#which is like. be fr? if JB loved george and anne she would have hated her lol#or at the very least have been uneasy in her presence (there's a great scene with this in adrienne's sequel btw)#but like...idk man. ppl just don't seem to get how humans worked? or have any sort of emotional; media; literal; literacy?#this was my thing with BSR too 'how dare THEY say henry NEVER loved coa how dare THEY say jane was to blame for anne's miscarriage'#like right...were 'they' saying that or was anne? or was that what anne believed? was the show perhaps from her (gasp) POV and so#these things were portrayed? i mean ffs.... by our literal primary sources those were the things she said.#someone's emotions and beliefs /= infallible unassailable entire truths#nor are they necessarily 'fair' and the same with our judgements. welcome to being a human being#so yeah like re: JB....#*that she felt like that? was it entirely fair to blame and resent the seymours?#is that necessarily fair? no. how much she did or didn't was probably dependent on how accurate chapuys report was about JS#the extent to which she had disparaged anne#as for the why as JF theorized ; the need of income and the possibility that since cromwell had helped her with income#this was the favor he wanted in return (so her as a spy in the household)#and re: conflicting loyalties ; i mean ...goddamn; people are complex#i think it's entirely possible that JB loved anne but also had this innate sympathy for coa and mary too.
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i dont get how some people especially neurodivergent people can look at people with personality disorders and be utterly ableist and sanist against them when 9/10 you have more in common with a pwASPD or NPD than you do a neurotypical just based on the fact that mental illness is literally buy one get twelve free in some cases
#like i have adhd. im autistic. aro. schizophrenic/psychotic in some way do you REALLY think id be on the side of a so called empath#the second i even breathe about not feeling a 'human' emotion theyd have me put away thinking apathy would turn me into a serial killer#i have way more in common with cluster B disorders than i ever will with the empaths that claim to be ~*mental health activists*~#at least they claim to be mental health activists until its too messy or complicated and then out comes the slurs and bigotry#like id much rather hang out with a person who doesnt think thought crimes are real and that thinking abt the odd homicidal thought#makes you a twisted fucking cycle path or whatever#maybe its the aro in me and the similar experiences of seeing how bad we are dehumanized for some of us not feeling love#but it rankles like nothing else and if you do this please. reconsider and ask yourself why#if you create a stigma around the 'scary' disorders then how the hell is anyone meant to get help. feeling safe enough to get help.#cause these disorders are caused by abuse and if you really wanted people with a pd to get help you probably shouldnt make it harder.#and if we're going by therapy rules you cant armchair diagnose someone else anyways#sometimes an asshole is Just an asshole#long ass rant but seriously the amt of shit i see makes me so upset because like if someone does that to someone with scary disorders#how long is it gonna be till they start going after autism or adhd for similar traits. its already happened in some empath circles.#just ask yourself that because there is a lot more mental health overlap than you think#it already happens in most empath spaces#You cannot and i mean cannot decide if someone has bad intentions for you based on vibes.#you have to learn to trust people and if they break that trust they arent automatically a narc#just an asshole#and people hardly go around calling people a hyperactive abuser ghoul for them having adhd or being suspected of it
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Found this from when I needed a picture of John seeing Earth for the first time when he accidentally goes back and I was gonna post it making fun of the 0 thoughts nothingness behind his eyes but you know what I take it back a thousand times I take it back I'm so sorry for real. There is untold depths of emotion present here in his goofy fucking face. Far too much for a simple man such as myself to comprehend
#seriously just found this on my laptop didnt mean 2 be thinking about farscape tonight i just ugh. literally still havent recovered from th#this#for real if i think about it too long i go insane. still#to structure the whole series around his single goal to find his way back to earth#to slowly move away from that as the story goes on and evolves and gets more intricate and john#gets tangled up in things far greater than he ever intended to#and then JUST when so much time had passed just when you go long enough without a mention of any plan or scheme to get home#head full of all these other plotlines WHAM. hes home again#but THE STORY DOESN'T END THERE. LIKE U ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD#it CANT#its still the middle of the season#he goes home after all this time but ITS TOO LATE. and he really does try but he knows amd we all know its too late#and he leaves with the vague promise that he'll come back again but we know we know hes leaving forever#we know#farscape#john crichton#sir i protest i am not a merry man
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i probably shouldn’t read about bpd before bed
#cuz now it’s 330am and i’m crying cuz i have no way to actually mentally process love effectively#like it’s so weird to realize that as much as romantic love and intimacy interest me as concepts#i crave it until the exact moment where i can get it for myself#and then the craving dissipates#like how do i say ‘’hey i know we’ve been having fun for years and you seem to be falling in love with me#but i have no desire to actually be loved by you or touched by you in an actual real way’’#especially because the attention i receive is the only dopamine i get that gets me out of bed#so essentially i just use people and string them along knowing i’ll never actual want more than surface level anything#and this is what i mean when i say i do not love right. like on paper i seem fine. in theory i seem fine. in practice not so much#there is something so deeply cracked about my desires sexually and romantically completely disappearing#like it really hurts him that he craves my touch and love and i crave. nothing.#like he always craves video chats and calls and loves seeing me and talking to me and idc if i ever have that. i don’t crave it at all#the roleplay of intimacy is fun and then it’s not anymore when people expect me to actually seriously want to spend time with them#i feel like i want to want someone because i’ve been taught i should#the way i operate romantically and sexually falls completely in line with BPD#i will probably be alone for the majority of my life#and i know i can do that but i was promised to some degree that the normal thing to do as an adult is cohabitate / be intimate with someone#and now i’m like ‘’well no one prepared me for a reality where because of a mental illness i might not actually be able to do that’’#i wasn’t prepared for the possibility that i truly will live life alone because of this#and now it’s like 4am and i’m staring at the wall and having it hit me like a ton of bricks#it’s like in order to actually fall in love at all i’m going to have to beat back this mental illness at any given moment forever#and that’s IF and only IF i’m able to even fall in love in the first place#it doesn’t seem like i’m actually capable of falling in love
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the most recognized as comedic song being the best part of the movie musical because the conventions that serve as a mode of communicating ideas, for example "people just bursting into song" or "choreography" or "'noticeably stylized' cinematography" that accentuates nonliteral nonrealism-invoking choices, are regarded as Silly or Frivolous. and the effort to shove everything else that's more "serious" into what is expected to be read as dramatic cinema that's not stylized in any ways that seem too "Genre" which only makes [but someone's singing?] underwhelming and out of place because no other elements are supporting it
#that plenty of Thee Establishment most concerned w/the commercial angle of musical theatre is also like ''musicals? is silly''#or rather is forever defensive about this. all the musicals you know tonys will be comfortable with b/c they're gently ''edgily'' Serious..#that old deh interview where p&p are like ''haha eugh we're not writing MUSICAL numbers musical numbers X'D this is serious this is real''#deh as a living room play....like don't get me wrong. all Critiques / dunks on deh the stage musical even deh the movie...are not the same#all mine are better and wiser. but actually really for example like ''ben platt old?? he hair a joke??'' are criticisms i reject lol#wait a second does anyone in the Stage Musical ever do any more dancey choreography than they do in sincerely me....probably not#remembering the great times of that jared goldsmith interview where they were telling him to walk less dancily in ywbf lmao#taking some chassés across the stage....finally looked up if ''sashay'' is just a misheard + phonetic ''chassé'' & yes#anyways and just connect this all to the broader issue of Any ''genre(tm)'' understood as like. Unserious. style that is so unartistic....#insert joe iconis talking about it. basically that if some Noticed ''unusual'' style usage is taken seriously it's presumed ''self aware''#such that it may be like; parody of; commentary on; homage to whatever Conventions....#like is a movie too associated with women as creators or audiences? some style choices that might seem to have some odd effect or w/e is#then just like wow guess this isn't good enough to be an experience i can completely intellectually disengage with as viewer....#whereas if it's Not ''''gendered'''' so associated enough w/men as creators & audience (not much room for ''&/or'' there) then like#oh that perhaps somewhat awkward noticeable Style Usage? that was innovative; fresh; if it's funny it's ''clever'' rather than comedic#Don't Even Get Me Started on comedy also being an unserious ''easy'' too-Genre(tm) lesser style / way to communicate ideas#but i'm already started! it's right in the premise! ppl not even noting Sincerely Me has any material About anything b/c like#well it's Just Funny. jared & alana are Easy parts b/c they're so often Funny & set apart from the Serious Drama of parental angst#i actually haven't seen that many movie musicals but the ones unembarrased about themselves are superior#plus the idea of Worthy funny/noticeably styleized things as being Distinguishingly ''Self Aware''....the idea of Being Funny as either#being Unselfawarely the butt of the joke; or awarely deliberately Clever as what makes one superior to others; laughing At them surely#and i'm right back as well to what i was musing on re: the limits of billions' own language and in turn the limit of ideas if it cannot eve#express otherwise / beyond....that worthiness is awarded with this Dignity backed by the elements of the medium as tv's discretion#versus if someone's undeserving & unserious; or usually deserving/serious but is messing up & we want you to notice; then#they Will be beset with some humiliation; probably at least more proximate to being Laughed At; material may go out of its way to do this#another thing is that billions seems to have so little to no room for anyone having a capacity to be Silly#people Being Funny On Purpose is largely making references or pwning another character; both establishing competitive Worthiness#another shift from 5x08 onward like. rian truly able to humor herself is gone with her desk clutter#the fate of winston's =] ness is found in 6x01 when both quants are being funny until rian's funniness goes [abuse coworker] mode#that illustration that Hierarchy generates a Joke; at someone's expense. characters (& the writing?) Can't do otherwise to him or fathom it
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we were the liminal kids. alive before the internet, just long enough we remember when things really were different.
when i work in preschools, the hand signal kids make for phone is a flat palm, their fingers like brackets. i still make the pinky-and-thumb octave stretch when i "pick up" to respond to them.
the symbol to save a file is a floppy disc. the other day while cleaning out my parents' house, i found a collection of over a hundred CDs, my mom's handwriting on each of them. first day of kindergarten. playlist for beach trip '94. i don't have a device that can play any of these anymore - none of my electronics are compatible. there are pieces of my childhood buried under these, and i cannot access them. but they do exist, which feels special.
my siblings and i recently spent hours digitizing our family's photos as a present for my mom's birthday. there's a year where the pictures just. stop. cameras on phones got to be too good. it didn't make sense to keep getting them developed. and there are a quite a few years that are lost to us. when we were younger, mementos were lost to floods. and again, while i was in middle school, google drive wasn't "a thing". somewhere out there, there are lost memories on dead laptops. which is to say - i lost it to the flood twice, kind of.
when i teach undergrad, i always feel kind of slapped-in-the-face. they're over 18, and they don't remember a classroom without laptops. i remember when my school put in the first smartboard, and how it was a huge privilege. i used the word walkman once, and had to explain myself. we are only separated by a decade. it feels like we are separated by so much more than that.
and something about ... being half-in half-out of the world after. it marks you. i don't know why. but "real adults" see us as lost children, even though many of us are old enough to have a mortgage. my little sister grew up with more access to the internet than i did - and she's only got 4 years of difference. i know how to write cursive, and i actually think it's good practice for kids to learn too - it helps their motor development. but i also know they have to be able to touch-type way faster than was ever required from me.
in between, i guess. i still like to hand-write most things, even though typing is way faster and more accessible for me. i still wear a pj shirt from when i was like 18. i don't really understand how to operate my parents' smart tv. the other day when i got seriously injured, i used hey siri to call my brother. but if you asked me - honestly, i prefer calling to texting. a life in anachronisms. in being a little out-of-phase. never quite in synchronicity.
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Tee…
I’m now on my hands and knees BEGGING for bully Gojo who is (secretly) DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE over the reader PLEASE ANY CRUMBS I WILL TAKE
(you don’t actually have to write this it was just a nice thought)
idkkkkk if it’s rly bully gojo—but he’s definitely a real cunt for sure.
i just think about an asshole! gojo a lot like he’s ur lab partners or something and he does that stereotypical jerk move where he’s like “seriously ?? her ??” when he’s first paired with you. and he’s just naturally an douche, yk ?? wears sunglasses indoors and makes jokes at the professors expense under his breath that gets him snickers and snorts from his frat guys in his class. has to be asked more than once to “please keep it down in the middle of class” by wtv prof he’s in class with.
and he ofc makes u do all the work bc he can’t be bothered—and on the rare occasion that he is bothered, he just does a poor job that’s the bare minimum and sloppy enough that ur like wtv i’ll just do it myself. and then ofc sometimes u don’t have a choice but to meet up to finish something after class every now and then—he wouldn’t care to, but he actually needs to know the stuff for the final report he has to write individually, so he begrudgingly meets up with you, and sometimes you notice his friends give you an amused look when he walks up with them. they snicker before they leave as he sits with you. sometimes they make a snide comment here and there like “have fun with ur super hot date” that makes him roll his eyes—he doesn’t do much to hide the look of distaste on his face.
but then—and he doesn’t even know when it happens—you start to slowly grow on him. because ur actually pretty snarky urself, sometimes making a dry comment here and there about the professor and his stupid bald headed self. sometimes a girl in the distance laughs too hard a group of guys that u roll ur eyes and mumble how “if i had a voice like that i’d never laugh in public” and it makes him snort a bit without meaning to. sometimes you stare daggers at the person who has their music so loud thru their headphones they can’t help but notice u and turn it down in embarrassment. ur actually not as much of a pushover as he thought—you just genuinely think he’s too incapable to help u out that you’ve just shrugged him off and started doing his part. it’s an easy weekly lab class anyway, you don’t need him—and then he realizes that u rly just don’t care for him. his little snickers at u with his friends and their snide comments roll off ur back bc well…he’s him—an asshole little frat boy and u didn’t expect anything better from him. so it makes him a little intrigued—maybe a little wounded in his pride, deep down, because no one has ever been indifferent to him before. they’re either madly in love, or they hate his guts, or they follow his lead. either works—he still gets the attention he craves.
but u just don’t rly care. and ur actually pretty cool, and kinda sorta funny in a way no one else is. he likes it…and fuck, now he’s starting to like you. he can tell bc when his friends ask how his little date with you went, he starts getting a bit huffy ab it bc they don’t need to talk about you. they don’t even know you…but also….its not a date. and that’s the worst part. sometimes it feels like a date. almost—sometimes you both decide to take a break in between and go get a coffee or a light snack. sometimes he’s even paid (to which you look mildly shocked before politely thanking him) and you both walk back to the library while u make light banter and it’s…well, fun. and nice. and your laugh is pretty. and your smile is kinda cute and he (though he hates to admit it) rly likes it when u laugh because of him.
and then things start to get messy—really, he didn’t mean for it to start this way. he really was meaning to ask you in a genuine manner to see u again once the semester was finished. because he’s actually started pulling his weight—he wants u to see him for someone who’s smart. satoru is actually rly rly smart and no one knows it because he doesn’t rly show it but he is. he wants u to see that side of him—somehow there’s some sick validation he rly needs from you knowing he’s not a dense frat guy who drinks and fucks until 3 am every night. so he starts doing his parts and actually communicates with u about sections. so starts ur texting routine—sometimes a little longer than u rly need to for just doing a lab together. sometimes it’s “did u hear ab that girl in our class getting dumped in front of the kfc ??” and sometimes it’s “god our prof rly needs to get some pussy” and other times it’s “look what the guy who sits behind us just posted on his story” and it leads to a few long convos that admittedly…are rly fun. ur so fun. he likes it. he rly does like u and he thinks maybe….maybe he’s grown on u too and you know what ?? satoru’s always a jerk but ur nice and who’s to say he can’t be nice too ?? just for one person. for u, he can be a nice guy—u carried lab all on ur own long enough that u deserve it anyway.
until he gets swayed in that way only a coward can. in that way you do when ur used to being “the man” around ur friends and ur too pressured to keep up that energy for appearances sake bc u don’t wanna be the laughing stock who softened up for “some nerdy chick who’s a nobody.” so he laughs when they laugh at the fact that ur probably “still a virgin who’s never touched a guy before” and then they’re patting gojo on the back and shoving at his shoulder as they laugh harder and suggest that “y’know what would be so funny man ?? if u took her virginity. you could probably do it.”
the thought is sickening because…satoru wouldn’t want to fuck you like that. god, you have him caring about when and how he fucks you—in fact, just thinking about you lewdly makes him feel guilty. disrespectful, even. you’re more than a fleshlight for his dick. since when did he become so respectful ?? but he doesn’t know how to say no, especially when everyone starts agreeing one after the other—and oh no, now they’re betting on how quickly he can do it….and oh, now it’s not just fucking. now it’s “how long until you think she’s head over heels for you? man, that would be a sight, huh ??”
and….well, satoru decides it couldn’t hurt, right ?? he does want to be romantically involved so that would include you being head over heels. hopefully. fingers crossed. and he doesn’t rly want to seem lame in front of the guys either, so he gets to keep both sides of the coin, so is it really that bad ?? maybe not the right idea but certainly the right execution. he’ll treat you well—that much he’s confident of. so he forces out a laugh and says “gimme a month or two, you’ll see.”
and a month or two they give him. and a month or two it takes—but not for you to be head over heels. it’s him who’s utterly and completely obsessed and fallen head first and whatever else they say to describe love because wow. this must be what it is. this must be that stupid fairytale shit they always talk about because fuck, no one has ever looked at him like that. like he’s some miracle to this earth and some wonder only you know of—like you hope it stays that way and that he’s yours and yours alone and no one else comes in to take him away. satoru really likes being yours, it kinda feels better than you being his. being yours means you hold him like that at night and wake him up to a kiss between his brows and sometimes, when he gets those migraines he’s prone to getting, you always seem to know. always seem to understand when to close the blinds and keep quiet and wrap him up in the covers as you rub your thumbs over his temples soothingly.
he almost forgets about that silly little bet he made two months ago when he’s around you. actually, he forgets everything when he’s around you. he’s only ever thinking about you, you, you. when he comes back to his frat house, on the other hand, they’re all gathered around waiting for the newest details. how you must’ve been so pathetically star struck by him. how you must be embarrassingly bad at kissing. how you must stutter over every other word around him. how you must be making a complete and utter fool of urself trying to impress him and be someone you’re not bc the real you would never pique his interest.
they’re wrong ofc. if anyone’s star struck, it’s satoru bc how the hell are u so…cool ?? and so funny and witty and carefree ?? and you’re good at kissing—have him chasing your lips with a whine every time. sometimes you even chuckle at him when he does and make him blush a bit. he’s the one who stutters over his words when he sees you in your little date night outfits. sometimes he watches you drink from your straw and his brain short circuits a little until you snap at him and ask him in confusion if he’s alright. but the real kicker ?? it’s that if anyone’s pretending, it’s satoru. you’re always just you—unapologetically so, that it’s endearing and beautiful and so unearthly he wonders how he got so lucky. but him ?? he’s always acting like some guy he’s not. some chivalrous guy who opens doors and pushes out seats and kisses the back of hands and waits at least a few dates before even considering fucking. some nice, sweet, genuine guy who’s deserving.
he’s not that—never was. if you knew the real him, you’d leave in a heartbeat. it’s a scary thought. a raw feeling he doesn’t like. makes him feel all self conscious and insecure and all that weird shit he never thought he’d feel.
he tries. so hard, he tries to make them forget about that silly little bet and just slowly drop it and maybe even forget ur dating so he can just stay living this peaceful little fantasy with you—but that’s stupid. that’s naive. it’s been 4 months and enough is enough—the guys need to see the look on ur face when u realize what a fool ur being and satoru is “being a lazy ass who’s too comfortable not having for work for pussy these days.” so then there’s a video going around. it’s everyone gathered around on the couch drunk and talking about you. and satoru. you both, in fact. how it’s been two months and u seem desperate for his attention with the shrill little voice you use to call him toru, baby! it’s so, so fucking embarrassing, they say. how you think he likes it. (he does. god he does so much, it hurts. he loves it, actually, when you call him that. makes him feel special in a way he never has.) but then, the worst, most disgustingly nauseous part of the whole thing is when satoru laughs along and plays into their awful words. just lets them talk about you like you’re some piece of meat. something for him to chew up and spit out after he has a taste or you. not even worth savoring and enjoying. he laughs along and agrees—you’re nothing special and he can’t wait until he’s free of you.
that part hurts. that part sucks the most—when he acts like he didn’t tremble under your touch every time you kissed him. like he didn’t beg you to stay just five more minutes! before walking out the door to go home. he acts one way in front of you and one way in front of them and what’s worse ?? you don’t know which one is real. couldn’t tell even if your life was on the line to decide. because there’s no way he’s that good at pretending to be desperately in love, no fucking way. but there’s also no way he can be in love if he’s talking about you like that. that’s not what love is—that’s not what love feels like. that’s not what it means to someone.
you don’t know which satoru is the real one, but you know that neither is worth your time. not if he can’t stick to it.
it’s terrible thing—the way you break up. it’s messy and teary and he’s begging, he’s actually begging. he never thought he’d do that. but he doesn’t even hesitate to plead for you to hear him out. baby, please let me explain. wait, please don’t walk away—please just listen! i can explain.
he can’t explain, though when you as him to. stands there with a bitten bottom lip and teary eyes that are pleading you to just stay with him. to overlook this and just … ignore it like it’s nothing. like what he did and said was just nothing and you can shrug it off like you’re nothing too. like your feelings are nothing and so is your worth and that’s why you should just ignore the way he absolutely destroyed your pride and reputation and dignity and worse….every ounce of your love.
such deep, raw, pure love—it’s almost enough to heal every dry crack and crevice of this earth and bring it back to life.
you look at him with teary eyes and something so broken, it makes him feel like dirt beneath your feet.
“it’s embarrassing, satoru,” you hiss that night through tears, “you’re in your twenties getting a degree and you’re still just a high school bully. life’s really gonna kick you in the ass some day.”
life’s already kicking him in the ass as soon as you walk out. the air is colder. the world is dimmer. food doesn’t taste as good and fuck—there is just so much loneliness when you have no one to be yourself with. when there’s no you.
but he supposes you’re right though—he is just a bully. it’s pathetic, really. and maybe it’s for the best. maybe you don’t deserve someone who’s only ever known how to feel good because someone else doesn’t.
#bye#this is so obnoxiously long for a silly little jumble of thoughts#maybe i’ll flesh it out and make it an actual fic tho#bully! gojo tag
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Can you write more Adam fics plz there so freaking good
Benefit of the Doubt PT.2
Adam x 3rd Spouse! Reader
Viewer discretion is advised
Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff to Angst to comfort, General Adam TW’s, Reader lowkey-highkey has a complex about being loved, Panic attack (I’m not even sure if this is correct term or not), Adam is afraid of heights (makes sense in story) This is set way before the show, and Gn! Reader (Y/n is once again not used lol)
Part 1 Part 3
Request Box: Open
Word count: 3136
A/N: Hi! I’d like to Thank you all for the love and support on Part 1! It means a lot that you all enjoyed it as I loved writing it! I’d also like to apologize for this being a week late, I honestly had 0 idea on how to start this one and then a bunch of stuff in my life happened, so it was a mess.
So as an apology I tried to make this one longer than the first! (I seemed to go a little overboard but it’s fine)
Anyways I hope you all enjoy part 2 to ‘Benefit of the doubt’ and as always, if you do, please tell me if want another part in replies/requests/DM’s!
Proofread but of course could have missed something
Tags: @tired-of-life-86
To think love could feel this good.
You were made for it, to give it, receive it… You’ve waited your entire existence for this love, This closeness. It doesn’t even feel real now, even as you’re walking down the golden lined streets of heaven with his arm wrapped around you, all while you’ve been showing him around. The best places to eat, entertainment, or just a nice park. You made sure to show him all of it.
He kept his wings tucked to his sides, the gold contrasting with the white of his robe. The feathers at first glance looked sharp, but now, being so close to him, you could see each of them individually and how soft they must be.
“Hey Sweetcheeks, my eyes are up here”
You jump slightly “Sorry… Adam.” You avert your eyes away from him and focus them in front of you.
Adam laughed “I didn’t say you had to fuxkin’ to stop”
His wings truly were beautiful. It was hard to keep your eyes off them. Adam had only got to heaven recently, it made you wonder if he had the chance to use them yet. You remember when you were first created, wings took forever to get used to. You crashed and fell so many times before you figured out how to use them
Properly.
“Ok seriously, you keep staring, what the fxck is up with you?”
“It’s nothing, just…. Have you tried out your wings yet?”
“Uh, yeah totally, they’re rad as hell” Adam’s voice drifted off, the LED eyes of his mask looking away from you as you both walked. Was he… lying? Why would he lie?
You quickly walked in front of Adam, leaving his warm embrace, gently you took his hands as your wings picked you off the ground. The gust of wind with each flap softly blew around you.
“Well, come on, it will be faster than walking.” Your voice was soft and airy. Slowly, so very slowly, you lifted yourself higher from the ground, Adam’s hands locked firmly in yours, as he was pulled with you in the air.
“W-Wait a- shit- Wait a- motherfuxking second“ Adam yelled strand after strand of curses as you both lifted further and further into the air. His body flailed and his legs kicked against nothing. You pull him to you, his arms quickly snake around your waist, holding on for his dear After-life.
“Adam… did you lie to me?” Your voice was still so soft, so calm, so sweet.
“Fuck- yes I lied, I’m sorry, so put me the fuck down you crazy asshole-“ Vulgar as ever, his voice had fear in it, the LED eyes were forced shut and his grip around you was getting tighter and tighter.
Your arms wrapped around Adam’s head as you laid back, letting The wind breeze from the air pull and push you along its path with your wings soaring through the clouds..
“Adam, it’s ok, I promise you’re fine, all you have to do is open your eyes.”
You pet the back of his neck trying to sooth him which seemed to work after a few seconds. Adam didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to open his eyes. But the longer he kept them close, the more you would whisper soft words of encouragement to him. Eventually, his eyes slowly but surely opened.
“See? There is nothing to be scared of. I’ve got you.”
You hold him closer in your embrace. Adam looked below, the white vastness of heaven’s clouds beneath you both felt unreal, but as amazing a sight it was, Adam’s grip on you didn’t loosen.
“So… I’m guessing you don’t know how to fly yet?” You laugh a little, rubbing a spot on his back, just between his wings comfortingly.
Adam huffed and looked away “oh! I couldn’t fxcking see that!”
You held him close to you. The embrace seemed never ending, and you loved every second of it. Feeling the warmth of his plump body next to you was like a dream come true.
“Here let me just…”
You moved your hands slowly down his arms, caressing the soft flesh as they moved to eventually be at his hands behind you. You began to leisurely undo the grip he had around you.
“What do you think you're doing-“
“Shhh, relax, just trust me, ok?”
With each finger being removed from you, the grip lessened bit by bit, until eventually his hands were fully in yours. Your face leaned closer to his,
“Come on, just give your wings a good flap, trust me.”
“Ugh…. Fine but I swear to god if you let go-“
“I won’t.” Your voice was firm, yet still remained reassuring.
Adam didn’t want to do this. He really didn’t want to. But what other choice did he have? He gruffs and extends his wings from his body. The wind brushed and tickled at his feathers. The way the light hit them caused a glare of gold to be cast from them, enveloping you both. Then, he gave two hard flaps of his wings, he lifted up slightly before quickly falling back to where he was.
“There you go! Now keep doing that.”
Adam continued, his wings slowly pushing him up and up before being sent back down when he stopped. This repeated for a few minutes until he finally got a grip on it. The entire time, you were laughing. Pure unadulterated laughs of joy.
Truly, to think love could feel this good?
“See? You're a natural!”
“Of course I am! I’m the Original Dick, obviously I’d… be good at this… flying… shit.” With all the parading he was doing he kept forgetting to use his wings causing him to fall. ‘A natural’ may have been an overstatement on your part, but hey? At least he hasn’t fallen flat on his face yet!
Gently, you led him through air, giving him reassurance every few feet you flew, never letting go. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. Before you knew it a brisk orange sunset encased you both with its hue. That’s when you realized just how long you both had been flying.
“You must be tired with sightseeing all day… I think it’s time we go home and rest, yeah?”
“Home?” Adam’s voice sounded for a moment genuinely confused. Had he not been told he’d have a place to live in heaven? As much respect you had for Sera, you’ll have to file a complaint to avoid this with future souls.
You gripped his hand and opened your wings letting the wind lead you through the clouds and above the city. The angels below look like ants at the height you both were. It was peaceful, the flight back home. But it did seem… off? So… quiet? You couldn’t put it together, at least not at the moment, But Adam hadn’t spoken a word since you both left.
Adam, while yes, he was initially confused, it made sense to him, why wouldn’t heaven have a place for its people, a place for each of them to relax, to feel safe, happy, at home.
Home was such a weird word for Adam. Has he ever felt like a place was his ‘home’? The closest thing to it was the Garden of Eden but even that proved to be anything but a home for him. Ever since that snake entered his garden.
No. He can’t think about that now. He doesn’t want to have to think about that again. But oh-do thoughts love to worm their way back into your mind when you least want them to. He’s snaps out of his thoughts when your voice picks up
“Ok, we’re here! Just get yourself settled in and I’ll go make us something to eat. I didn't really know what food you’d like so I mainly just have junk food… I hope that's ok.”
Adam nods his head nonchalantly
You smile, waking him over to the small, plush couch in the living room and handing him a blanket and some pillows. Telling him to wait a second as you fetch some food, leaving him alone.
Adam thought your house seemed welcoming enough, ‘well… our house’ Adam thought. The living room was dark aside from a few luminous lights around the room as well as the small blue gleam from the windows from the night sky.
The couch was comfortable and the pillows just as much. And the blanket you gave him was soft and warm. This really was heaven, huh?
His thoughts are, once again, interrupted by your voice, “Ok here we go, I’ve got snacks and some soda” you say, handing him some of the many food you ravaged from your fridge and sitting beside him, wrapping yourself in the shared blanket.
Grabbing the remote lying next to you, you flick on the TV flipping through the channel before ending on a cheesy sitcom, you keep the volume low wanting to enjoy any conversation with Adam. Except… he never started one. So that’s what felt off.
The entire time you flew back home, got snacks and found something to watch. He hadn't said a word. You may not have known him long but even you had already picked up that he was an advid talker in a conversation.
“Is… everything ok Adam?” You whispered, not want to scare him with your random words.
“What kind of question is that, I’m fxcking fine… I’m fine.” His voice trailed off at the end almost getting as quiet as yours.
“Are you sure cause-“
“I said I’m fuxking fine!” His voice roared through the dark room. Gritty and callous, but you could tell it was meant to hide something. Something he didn’t want you to see.
“I’m sorry…” you paused. What did you want to say from here? What could you say? You took a deep breath and tried to continue. “I… I know I said this earlier… when Sera left.”
Adam’s LED mask looked away from you half shut eyes and a frown forming a scowl on it, but still he let you continue.
“But I’m going to say it again anyways cause… I mean it. I’m really happy to have you here. To finally have you home” you place your arm around Adam’s back rubbing it soothingly as let your head slowly lax onto him, gently cuddling close to him.
That word again… home. That’s all he could think about ever since he first heard you say it. Why? Why couldn’t he get it out of his head? His breathing was becoming unsteady with each new thought and image his brain made. Lilith and Eve, they were made to be apart of his home, for him to be apart of their homes. So why? Why did it end that way?
Suddenly Adam leap from the couch as fast as he could, the shear force knocking you to the other side of the couch, sending the food to scatter and drinks to spill to the floor.
“Adam!?” Your voice was frightened at the sudden movement. Adam looked just as frightened as you, at least from what you could tell through the LED mask. He suddenly began running, where? he didn’t know, the rooms in the house looked the same. But all he knew is that he needed to be away from you. You followed quickly behind him and pleaded for him to tell you what was wrong, but eventually he ran into a room and locked the door.
He looked around, already out of breath. He was in a bathroom. He felt his knees give out under him as he tried to slowly sit down by the tub. His breath heavy, it was hard to breathe, this stupid mask. He needed it off. But just as he went to do so,
*rattle rattle rattle*
The doorknob began to move followed by frantic knocking on the door.
“Adam! Are you ok?!” Your voice pleaded through the wood of the door.
“Fuxk- I'm fine! How many times do I have to tell you that shit” his voice cracked a few times followed by a strand of curses leaving his lips.
Home. The word repeated like a mantra in his head. Like it was mocking him. Was he not meant to have a place he called a home? To have someone to return to, who would tell him “welcome back!” Without even being told to?
Lilith hated him, Eve betrayed and hurt him like no one else before, ever. They were made to be with him, one was literally made to be his other half. The garden, his home, was taken from him because of something, someone he couldn’t control. it all comes back to him. That albino snake in the grass.
Lucifer, ‘The dreamer’… was this some sort of game to him? To toy with his emotions, treat him like some kind of plaything to mess with, to screw over? What kind of life was it? To have every opportunity and opening be broken down by him, And Adam being powerless to stop it?
“Adam! Please open the door!” Your voice was even more frantic now, knocking every few seconds before it quickly quieted down. Your body slumped against the door.
“Adam… I’m sorry if I hurt you or… or if I was going too fast… I didn't mean to… I’m so sorry…” your breath hitched with tears.
And then there was you.
You have been nothing but kind to him since you met him. You showed him around heaven, taught him how to fly and welcomed him home without having being told to. You were so different. So, so very different. Adam figure that out a while ago now. But in reality, it’s exactly why he was terrified.
To have someone who loves him so... unconditionally.
*click*
The sound of the door unlocking drew your attention and was followed by it slowly opening from Adam on the other side, still on the floor.
“Adam!” Your voice was low, already tired from crying. You crawled your way toward him before stopping in front of him, tears still falling from your face, “I’m sorry Adam, I’m sorry-“ you were cut off by a quick movement.
Warmth enveloped you, clouding your senses as a soft weight laid onto you. Arms wrapped their way around you in an embrace.
“Shit- it's not your fault, it was never your fault…” Adam’s voice was surprisingly soft, a stark contrast to his regular tone. Sincerity evident with each word. All you could do was hide into his large frame and cry at the words.
Adam was never good at comforting people. He himself was never comforted, so the concept was more than a bit foreign to him. But even still, he tried. Slowly he helped you both up from the bathroom floor and made your way back to the couch.
The floor was covered in the discarded food you both left behind. The spilled soda is now dried and sticky. Crumbs everywhere.
“Here.. let me get a mop and broom-“
“No just sit down, I’ll clean up the shit I made” you lay down on the couch and watched as Adam swept and mopped the mess from the floor. The entire time the silence hung in the air by a thread. Neither of you wanting to be the one to snap the string and speak.
Finally Adam got done cleaning the mess and made his way to the couch. He sat down and gestured for you to come closer. Crawling over to him, he wrapped the blanket around you both allowing you to snuggle into him.
“Do…” your voice barely audible “Do you want to talk about it?”
Adam looked hesitant but nodded.
“You know about everything, right? About… what all happened in Eden?
You nod against his chest content on listening.
“When… When Lilith left me, I thought I didn't care as much as I did. I thought she was a bitch and that was that. And it didn’t help that as soon as she left, I got Eve…”
He paused
“Then, when I found out about that shit between Eve and Lucifer… I didn’t care then either, but I didn’t understand why…” his voice hitched “but when I ate that damn apple… I realized how hurt I should have been. All the concepts of right and wrong, good and evil, learning all of it through that fruit, I realized one shitty truth… that the one I loved betrayed me.”
You hugged him tighter softly, your hands caressed his stomach as some form of comfort before he continued.
“For the same person- Both of them for that snake…”
“Adam… I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“And that’s why… I’m scared. Scared that I will fuxk up again and get… attached to you. Because every. single. time. He ruins it. And I don't want to see that happen with you.”
Your heart ached for him, the saddening look of his LED mask as he talked only furthered your emotions. Slowly your hands made their way to his face, he looks at you confused, your fingertips crept under the mask before his hand shot up and held your wrist slightly, carefully not holding it too tight.
“Sorry fuck- I’m.. I’m not ready.”
You smile and nod understanding “Adam. I love you… with all of my heart. And I would never do what those two done to you. “
Adam thought for a moment deciding what to say.
“Promise?” was all he could think of, his voice, mind, and body were all too tired to speak more about it.
You slowly remove your hands from his mask, instead taking one of his hands into yours.
“I promise, I would never betray you, let alone talk to that man” ever-so lightly, a soft golden glow burned between yours and Adam’s hands, the gold flame was warm and comforting to both of you as it rose and grew in strength.
From the flame, a string wrapped and warped itself around both yours and Adam’s pinky fingers. The string tightened and loosened as it moved, before finally melting away leaving only two solid gold rings behind, One on Adam’s finger and the other on yours.
“What the hell was that?” Adam’s voice was filled with bewilderment
“A deal- or I guess a promise. In this case”
“Shit, You didn’t have to do that-“ this time it was your turn to interrupt him. You bring Adam’s hand to your lips, and give a kiss on his newly formed ring before lying down and cuddling into Adam.
“I know.”
For once in his life, Adam felt at ease with love. How easy it was to fall for you.
Is this what home feels like?
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