Crackfic part 4
This one was written just before the holiday. Enjoy! (Also, sorry about the lack of clickable link to AO3. Too many Kudosbot attacks.)
Title: Talking with Myself...'Kiss Miss' edition https://archiveofourown.org/works/43486522
Summary: ♪ Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day...I've got a jar of dir-rt! I've got a jar of dir-rt!
[Yami Bakura sitting in random space, giddily coloring with his red crayon while humming the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’]
Author: Whatcha doin?
[Yami Bakura continues his scribbling without looking up]
Y.Bakura: Letting the fat man know what I want for this ‘Kiss Miss’ thing. I’m all for hot chicks, but I prefer a new knife…and maybe some more red crayons. Seriously, just order a warehouse full next time. I go through a lot.
[Author tries not to laugh]
Author: Noted. So…besides a new knife and crayons, anything else you want? Something maybe someone other than Santa Clause can get for you?
[Yami Bakura lifts his head up and give the Author a dead-pan stare]
Y.Bakura: Hate to break it to ya, but his name is ‘Satan Claws’. No wonder you can’t write anything good. You obviously have that thing where the words are jumbled up.
Author: You mean dyslexia?
Y.Bakura: I’m pretty sure that’s the name of the device you shout at to Google things.
Author: No, that’s Alexa.
Y.Bakura: I guess you can hire someone named Alexa to do that for you…but you gotta make money off your work first. Spoiler alert: You can’t make money with fanfiction. I’m tellin ya, my stuff is Pulitzer material. No copyrights or trademarks, so you can earn all the coin from the publications.
[Author nods her head while still attempting to keep a straight face]
Author: You know what, I’ll just throw some candy in a stocking. I don’t know anyone that would pass up free candy.
[Yami Bakura is visibly confused]
Y.Bakura: But if you are the one putting the candy in the socks…then does that mean there’s no Satan Claws? Who’s gonna make sure all those people die from beatings?
[Author’s turn to be visibly confused]
Author: What???
Y.Bakura: You know…all the people eat a bunch of candy from a sock and end up with the curse of ‘die from beatings’.
Author: You mean diabetes?
Y.Bakura: That’s what I just said. Oh. My. Gods. You’re deaf too?! CAN. YOU. HEAR. ME? I. ONLY. KNOW. ONE. SIGN.
[Yami Bakura proceeds to flip-off Author]
[A tear escapes from the corner of Author’s eye as she still attempts to not fall on the floor in laughter]
Author: Don’t worry. There’s still a ‘Satan Claws’. I was just going to throw some non-cursed candy in your stocking. I’ll leave the cursed stuff for the fat man. You’ll know which is his by all the glitter. And I think I’ll give you your gift early.
[Author hands a copy of the future chapters she’s been working on]
[Yami Bakura quickly glances through them, a smile slowly forming across his face]
Y.Bakura: Murder? I get the opportunity to kill someone?!?!
Author: You’re welcome.
[Yami Bakura jumps up and enthusiastically hugs the Author]
Y.Bakura: It’s a Kiss Miss miracle!
Author: Riiight…by the way, it’s pronounced Christmas.
Y.Bakura: Author, since you were so nice, I’ll ask Satan Claws to give you some writing talent. Maybe some hearing aids too, so you can hear things properly. Maybe that’s your problem? You hear everything wrong so you don’t know how it should be spelled, which in turn makes it so much harder for you to be a good writer.
[Author shakes her head in amusement and walks away]
[Yami Bakura sits back down and starts scribbling on a new sheet of paper]
Dear Satan Claws,
First off, I am a huge fan of your work. Can I ask a favor from one great killer to another? Can you bring Author one of those puppies for disabled people? I’m sure you can find one that can type. Don’t worry if it can’t spell, Author can’t spell either. Spell check does most of the work in that area. It just needs some talent when it comes to writing plots. I’ve tried to help, but Author is just too nice of a person and doesn’t want to steal credit from someone as amazing as me.
Sincerely,
Murder Fluff Thief King Bakura
P.S. I’m all for free candy, but I’m already bound to a cursed object. Can you bring me some non-cursed candy? Author said she would leave me some, but double would be better.
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