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221bshrlocked · 11 months

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floating senses

Pairings: Hunter x Fem!Reader

Words: 1943

Warnings: Hunter experiences sensory overload. Talk of anxiety and panic attacks. Love confessions. Lots of touching. Implied smut...very implied. Like this is as implied as smut will get with me and that says a lot.

Summary: Something upset him so deeply that he couldn’t stand being in the presence of anyone.

A/N: I am feeling some type of way and this is the product of said, unknown feelings. Enjoy my lovely clone simps.

Something was wrong. You weren’t really sure what could have possibly happened that caused Hunter to drop what was in his hand so abruptly, and run away from you and the group. All you knew was that something must have happened that had him sprinting down the pathways and away from the city. You had noticed how uptight he was in the morning, but thought it was probably due to how busy the market tended to be during the early hours of the day. But as the hours rolled by, his eyebrows grew more furrowed, and his jaw tensed as if he was tasked with an impossible mission. Normally, Hunter was a controlled man, even in the most stressful of environments. He seldom let the situations get out of hand from him, and even then, he would voice out his concerns just to gain a different perspective.

But this was different.

Something upset him so deeply that he couldn’t stand being in the presence of anyone.

“Where is he going?” Omega asks as she finishes helping Wrecker carry the rest of the supplies. She is about to follow Hunter when you hold out your hand, signaling her to stop and let you handle the situation.

“Stay here, I’ll go and see what he needs.” You smile reassuringly at her and stand up from your kneeling position, nodding at Wrecker and Tech before walking towards the path Hunter took to the shore.

As you descend the city, you can’t help but admire the colors of the sky as the sun sets far deep into the ocean, painting the clouds with pastels and shining stars. By the time you reach the beach, you get the sense that you’ll need to be patient and careful with Hunter. Although you’d been with the Batch for some time now, you knew that Hunter didn’t grow easy around people quickly. In fact, you found him the hardest to convince of your good, unselfish intentions.

When you feel the warm sand beneath your feet, you take your shoes off and place them at the dock before continuing to where you knew Hunter liked to meditate.

Normally, when he feels someone approaching him, Hunter announces his knowledge, either by asking his visitor a question or remarking on how loud they are. You found it funny that he tended to speak first, knowing that it was probably for the benefit of whoever was interrupting his alone time so they don’t jump in fear when they see him all of a sudden.

But the closer you get to his spot, the more uneasy you become, mostly because you could hear the man groaning in pain. Forgoing the initial plan of approaching him softly, you run towards the large boulders near the edge of the forest until you come across Hunter’s body kneeling in the sand.

“Kriff,” you swear beneath your breath, sprinting towards him and falling beside his heaving body to let him know that he isn’t alone. Hunter initially twitches away from you, shaking his head and falling to the ground as soon as he feels your hands reach for his shoulder.

“It’s me Hunter, it’s just me. I’m here!” You whisper against his shoulder, knowing that voicing out your concerns might worsen his sensory overload. He shakes violently underneath the touch of your hands, but as soon as he glances to the side and sees how calm and worried your features are, he melts into your embrace and lets go of his chest.

His hands shoot to the front of your shirt, and you prepare yourself for being thrown off of him, but the opposite happens. Hunter takes one look into your eyes and crashes against your chest, clinging onto you for dear life until you have no option but wrap your arms around him and part your thighs so he can settle in between them. His body is vibrating with energy, and you want nothing more than to talk him through whatever anxiety boiling through his body. But you remind yourself that any extra noise will make things worse, so instead of calming him the way you sometimes do with Wrecker or Omega, you decide to let your touch do the work for you.

Taking a deep breath, you slowly move your hand across his shoulder and back, waiting until he gets used to the sensation before slipping your other hand into his hair and massaging his scalp. Hunter hisses in the beginning, his body begging him to remove himself from you so you don’t witness him during such a vulnerable, weak moment. But he wills himself to stay still in your arms, allowing you to drive his fears and sensitivity away.

You don’t dare look down at him, knowing that he probably already hates you having a front row seat to his anxiety. Instead, you think of the colors etched across the skies, allowing the soft sound of the waves coming to the shore calm the both of you so you don’t cry from how deeply you feel for the man. You’re not sure how long you lay there with Hunter in your arms, but when his body relaxes further into you, and his pained whines turned into deep, guttural groans, you know that he’s moved past whatever it was that sent him over the edge so cruelly.

Except the more you move your hands up and down his back, and the harder you dig your nails into the hair at the nape of his neck, Hunter can’t help but groan against your sternum, his breaths coming out hot and heavy against the little bit of skin peeking through the buttons of your shirt. His breathing is becoming erratic again, except unlike before, his body isn’t shaking from the violent sensory overload, but a more pleasant buzzing coursing through his veins.

The moment you realize what you’ve unintentionally done, you stop your ministrations and begin to detach your hands from his person.

“Please…d-don’t. I- I need to…I need you to stay,” his words are broken, voice hoarse from how dry his throat has become, as if he’s been talking for the past hours. You’re shocked by the turn of the events, but you’re more surprised by how comfortable Hunter is with you. You knew that he’d learn how to trust you at some point, but you never thought the trust would run so deep to the point where he’d willingly move past such a rigid line along with you.

“Hunter…you’re not thinking clearly right now.” You firmly respond, waiting until he looks up through heavy-lidded eyes and stares into your slowly dilating pupils.

“You- you’re the reason I ran away.”

It’s far from what you expected him to say, now of all times. You thought he’d tell you that he’s thinking clearly, or perhaps beg you some more in that sinful, gruff voice of his, maybe even tell you to just end his misery and do this once before you return to the city.

You must be staring at him with shock and confusion, because Hunter tenses his jaw and looks away from you.

“I was thinking about how caring you are with Omega, how much patience you have for Tech…even when he’s unknowingly insulting you…how sweet you tend to be with Wrecker, especially when he has nightmares.”

You can’t find the words to respond to Hunter, so you remain silent, willing him to continue explaining himself so your brain doesn’t explode from the sudden confession.

“And, you’re always so understanding with me…as if I haven’t been cold to you ever since you joined.” You don’t like the way he describes himself, so you finally break your silence and push him off of you until you can get a better look at him.

“I know it’s difficult to trust new people, especially now when your lives are at stake. I would- maker Hunter, I would never fault you for being extra careful. You’re just looking after your brothers…after Omega.”

“There…that’s what made me run away.” He cuts you off, and a part of you is unsure as to why that could possibly make him leave.

“I was thinking of you, mesh’la…until I finally understood why I don’t want to let you in.” It’s your turn to breathe harshly, chest rising and falling rapidly with every word Hunter bestows upon you. Looking at him now, you’re unable to hold back from admiring how boyish yet rugged he still looks as the pastels across the skies above you shine over his handsome, sharp features. His hair falls perfectly over his bronze skin, framing his deep, hazel eyes and chiseled jaw so perfectly that you can’t stop yourself from leaning down and kissing his aquiline nose.

His breath hitches at the gentle touch, and if it weren’t for the fact that he was already lying in your arms, Hunter thinks he may have fallen into your embrace if the two of you were standing and you decided to pull that little stunt. When you pull away, far too soon to his liking, Hunter lets out a shaky breath and smiles softly at you.

“I’ve let you in a long time ago sweetheart, and I’m done pretending I don’t want you.”

The sureness with which he reveals that last bit of his heart to you nearly sends you into overdrive, and you blink the tears away before you ask him one last time, wanting him to be sure of what he’s saying.

“You want me?” Your voice shakes as you ask, afraid that he’ll come to his senses all of a sudden and tell you that he didn’t mean any of what he just said. But Hunter doesn’t waste another second, sitting up and moving closer to you until there is barely any space between your lips and his own.

“Desperately.” He whispers against your lips before he engulfs you completely, the passion he exerts over your body forcing you onto your back. You part your lips for him instantly, combing your hands into his hair and tugging on it when he slips his tongue inside our mouth and tastes you.

You’d later tell him that the ease with which he confessed to you his feelings nearly made you fall over in tears, but you set the thought aside now, wanting to cherish the moment until it’s ingrained in your mind.

When Hunter pulls away, you open your eyes and find him studying you closely. You think it was probably his turn to overthink matters, and before he can apologize for how forward he’s being, you pull him back down and pray his name as you kiss along his jaw and neck. You barely hold back from giggling when you feel his elbows buckle, sending him flush against your chest until you hate access to the skin showing from beneath his shirt.

“S-sweetheart.” His voice is dangerously low, but you continue to map his scars with teasing kisses and little bites, wanting him to completely surrender himself to you.

“Hunter…” You moan in return, smiling to yourself when he groans in response to the lewd pronunciation of his name.

“I need you, cyare. I need you so kriffing badly.” He growls into the cool dusk air, hands grasping at your shoulders to get you to ease off of him if only for a moment.

“Then take me.” You respond instantly, letting go of him so you can lay your head back down against the sand of the shores. Hunter snaps his gaze at you, once again scrutinizing your features and body language so there can be no room for any misunderstandings.

“Fucking finally.”

#hunter x reader #hunter/reader #hunter bad batch x reader #hunter bad batch/reader #sergeant hunter #hunter the bad batch #hunter fluff #hunter angst #the bad batch #it's been a long time #and i'm still not over the last season #ugh #soft hunter #clone fanfiction #hunter fanfiction #tbb #hunter tbb x reader #hunter tbb/reader

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leoneliterary · 2 years

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What would be your reason to date the Ros and what would be the reason to not date them? (u know cause some are walking 🚩)

Ooooo this is kind of tough, because I think they all are similar in their strengths and weaknesses. I answered what their worst traits are in this ask, but this one is slightly different and gives me an excuse to roast and gas up my own characters so here we go!

Merikh:

Pros: He's driven, dedicated, and has a very large heart. He's as supportive as he is protective. He has a dry wit and usually has a pretty good since of humor that can cheer most people up.

Cons: He can be very self absorbed and has a habit of believing that his problems are the biggest. His anger can be alienating and at his worst he's petty and spiteful.

Summary: If you want a go-getter that will protect and support you, then Merikh is your guy. As long as you can help him get over himself and set boundaries for where he directs his anger and frustration. (Like boo, everyone has a traumatic past. You're not special Merikh.

Desma:

Pros: She's very fun and full of life, not to mention brimming with undying loyalty. She has a way of making everyday and adventure and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Her honesty is blunt and she always makes her feelings known. (Kind of)

Cons: Her high energy and recklessness can be exhausting, her jealousy smothering, and her fascination with diversion and frivolity is also her way of avoiding hard conversations and seriousness. Arguments with her can be reminiscent of tantrums.

Summary: If you want a woman that makes you feel wanted and desired, as well as someone who can bring wild jubilation to any situation, Desma is the one for you. Just make sure that you can either match her energy or introduce a bit of calm and structure to her, especially when things get heavy.

Laverna:

Pros: She has a way of making people feel seen and she doesn't restrict her love to the best version of you. Her love is tender and deep and she will try to solve any problem the two of you face. She is patient and has a surprisingly blunt sense of humor that makes being around her feel refreshing.

Cons: She is reluctant to show her full self and can be deceptive. She can sometimes be convinced that she knows best and holds on to slights and conflicts for far longer than is healthy.

Summary: If you want a woman that can love you at your worst, wait through any storm with you, and there to help you through life's difficulties, then Laverna is for you! Just make sure you let her know that she doesn't have to lie to you and also try to help her understand that it's okay to let some things go.

Sutek:

Pros: He listens and is a bit too honest and too empathetic for the line of work he's in. He is unselfish and observant, and he has a quiet, yet fierce devotion to the ones that he loves. You can depend on him to keep his word and to do his best to keep you safe.

Cons: He sometimes ignores empathy in favor of pragmatism and that means he struggles with his sense of self as well as his own morals. Some of the things he has done have skewed his sense of self worth and he can become distant, both emotionally and locationally.

Summary: If you want a man that's honest and actually cares about your feelings and desires, then Sutek is the man for you. As long as you can locate him physically and keep him from either withdrawing into himself or into the environment when his mind or the relationship gets tumultuous.

Sarai:

Pros: She is clearheaded and very deliberate in everything she does, including matters of the heart. She knows how to highlight the best in those around her. She is at a place now where she can give guidance and is always there to listen to both a situation and the feelings involved in a way that is both loving and analytical. She has a warm spirit and it bleeds into everything she does.

Cons: She puts up a cold exterior and she is skeptical of attachments. She is slow to open up and quick to shut down. She may be insightful, but can be willfully blind to how her actions can sabotage a relationship and she treats negative outcomes as confirmation of her worst assumptions.

Summary: If you want someone that is loving, wise, and meticulous in her care for those she loves, then Sarai is for you. Just make sure that you have the patience to withstand being pushed away and can reassure her that not everyone wants to hurt those they claim to love.

Nari:

Pros: She has an earnestness about her that is endearing and she leads and inspires by example. Though shy, there is nothing held back in her love and commitment to those she loves. She sees the best in a person and offers support even when she can offer nothing else.

Cons: Her self esteem is very low, meaning that she second guesses whether or not the love in front of her is real of if she truly deserves it. She also tends to put people on pedestals, so focused on seeing the best that she ignores everything else.

Summary: If you want a love that is sweet and unwavering from someone who would never want to do anything to make you feel unvalued, then Nari is a great pick. Just be there to reassure her and try not to break her heart and trust.

Aretas:

Pros: He is full of optimism and ambition in a way that is both endearing and inspiring. He genuinely cares about people and is generous and eager to please. When he looks at you, he makes you feel like it's just the two of you and no matter where he is, he is still himself. (Just sometimes more subdued)

Cons: He puts duty before almost everything and as a great man he casts a long shadow. He can neglect his own health trying to perfect and juggle everything, and can get defensive when called out for it. It can be easy to feel less like a lover and more like an accessory or a prized object.

Summary: If you want to experience a cocktail of grand love and devotion coupled with power and influence, then Aretas is a good pick. Just make sure that you have a good sense of self and aren't afraid to communicate your feelings and your input in the relationship. Also remind him that he doesn't have to be perfect.

Heka:

Pros: He is very tranquil and openhearted and accepting of most people and situations. He views the world with wonder and curiosity meaning that spending time with him can make things feel brand new. Love is new to him but he will make it clear that he cherishes you.He has a great deal of control over his emotions, can understand other people's pretty well, and will make an effort to when it doesn't come easily.

Cons: He's almost too passive. He can lack initiative or focus and sometimes his presence can be weak. Sometimes it can take effort to get him engaged in the world around him or for him to take a strong stance on anything. For the one he loves, he may seem that he is half hearted or not all the way present in the relationship, although that is not the case.

Summary: If you want a serene love that let's you set the terms for the most part and that delves deeply into sensitivity to each other and the world around you, the Heka is a good pick. Just be try to encourage him to give more room to his emotions, even the negative ones and support him finding his own voice.

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benggonzales · 2 months

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My _______ Valentine

LOVE is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it does not proud. It does not dishonor others, It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7). That is the best definition of love based on God's word.

LOVE is the most sweetest things that you would experience here in earth. Loving can also hurt you, because you need to risk something. It only hurt because you really love someone, that you will sacrifice everything for them. Loving someone is not easy but if you open your heart and mind for the true meaning of love, you wil just realize that "it's worth the risk" because you really loved.

The most comforting feeling is when you know that you are loved, this love I mean is not just Eros, Phileo, but Agape. That is 3 kinds of love, by the way. Eros is physical love or sexual desire and phileo is love of friend but the agape is the most sweet, it is deep, pure love and it is unselfish, and that is what love God is. He will never leave us nor forsake us. I experience His love and He never failed me, He restore my love and life.

People celebrating valentines day with their love ones, expressing their love through giving gifts, sweet chocolates and flowers. It feels so relief if you received that . We love each other and we have inspiration in life. It gives us strength when our beloved giving us an assurance that they will be on our side forever until their last breath.

LOVE is patient, but we get tired. Continue to love until you find who will be on your side until the end of your life. Other people find it useless, if you give. You are lose in your life. But the true one will help you win.

FEBRUARY 14, 2024

#CREATIVE NON-FICTION

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dracula-today · 11 months

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Dracula: May 25 - Introducing: two new pen pals!

Dr. Seward's Diary.

(Kept in phonograph)

25 May. —Ebb tide in appetite to-day. Cannot eat, cannot rest, so diary instead. Since my rebuff of yesterday I have a sort of empty feeling; nothing in the world seems of sufficient importance to be worth the doing.... As I knew that the only cure for this sort of thing was work, I went down amongst the patients. I picked out one who has afforded me a study of much interest. He is so quaint that I am determined to understand him as well as I can. To-day I seemed to get nearer than ever before to the heart of his mystery.

I questioned him more fully than I had ever done, with a view to making myself master of the facts of his hallucination. In my manner of doing it there was, I now see, something of cruelty. I seemed to wish to keep him to the point of his madness—a thing which I avoid with the patients as I would the mouth of hell.

(Mem., under what circumstances would I not avoid the pit of hell?) Omnia Romæ venalia sunt. Hell has its price! verb. sap. If there be anything behind this instinct it will be valuable to trace it afterwards accurately, so I had better commence to do so, therefore—

R. M. Renfield, ætat 59.—Sanguine temperament; great physical strength; morbidly excitable; periods of gloom, ending in some fixed idea which I cannot make out. I presume that the sanguine temperament itself and the disturbing influence end in a mentally-accomplished finish; a possibly dangerous man, probably dangerous if unselfish. In selfish men caution is as secure an armour for their foes as for themselves. What I think of on this point is, when self is the fixed point the centripetal force is balanced with the centrifugal; when duty, a cause, etc., is the fixed point, the latter force is paramount, and only accident or a series of accidents can balance it.

Letter, Quincey P. Morris to Hon. Arthur Holmwood.

25 May.

My dear Art,—

We've told yarns by the camp-fire in the prairies; and dressed one another's wounds after trying a landing at the Marquesas; and drunk healths on the shore of Titicaca. There are more yarns to be told, and other wounds to be healed, and another health to be drunk. Won't you let this be at my camp-fire to-morrow night? I have no hesitation in asking you, as I know a certain lady is engaged to a certain dinner-party, and that you are free. There will only be one other, our old pal at the Korea, Jack Seward. He's coming, too, and we both want to mingle our weeps over the wine-cup, and to drink a health with all our hearts to the happiest man in all the wide world, who has won the noblest heart that God has made and the best worth winning. We promise you a hearty welcome, and a loving greeting, and a health as true as your own right hand. We shall both swear to leave you at home if you drink too deep to a certain pair of eyes. Come!

Yours, as ever and always,

QUINCEY P. MORRIS.

----

Original Substack Post

#dracula daily #dracula

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butterfly-music-magic · 1 year

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A mother's love

A Mother's love is something that no on can explain, It is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain, It is endless and unselfish and enduring come what may For nothing can destroy it or take that love away . . . It is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, And it never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking . . . It believes beyond believing when the world around condemns, And it glows with all the beauty of the rarest, brightest gems . . . It is far beyond defining, it defies all explanation, And it still remains a secret like the mysteries of creation . . . A many splendoured miracle man cannot understand And another wondrous evidence of God's tender guiding hand

A poem by Helen Steiner Rice. It describes how I feel, my love for my daughter will forever flow, no matter my heart breaking and my body crumbling.

#mothers love #mother #love #care #mental health #heart #heart breaking #miracle #wonder #depression #anxiety #broken heart #freedom #soairse #riet

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king-atlas · 1 year

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Sitting patient in the shadow Till the blessed light shall come, A serene and saintly presence Sanctifies our troubled home. Earthly joys and hopes and sorrows Break like ripples on the strand Of the deep and solemn river Where her willing feet now stand. O my sister, passing from me, Out of human care and strife, Leave me, as a gift, those virtues Which have beautified your life. Dear, bequeath me that great patience Which has power to sustain A cheerful, uncomplaining spirit In its prison-house of pain. Give me, for I need it sorely, Of that courage, wise and sweet, Which has made the path of duty Green beneath your willing feet. Give me that unselfish nature, That with charity devine Can pardon wrong for love's dear sake— Meek heart, forgive me mine! Thus our parting daily loseth Something of its bitter pain, And while learning this hard lesson, My great loss becomes my gain. For the touch of grief will render My wild nature more serene, Give to life new aspirations, A new trust in the unseen. Henceforth, safe across the river, I shall see forever more A beloved, household spirit Waiting for me on the shore. Hope and faith, born of my sorrow, Guardian angels shall become, And the sister gone before me By their hands shall lead me home.

“My Beth” by Louisa May Alcott, from Little Women

#Little Women #Louisa May Alcott #Beth #PBS Masterpiece

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jumpinagain-a · 2 years

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✨

KING!!! reason why i arrived here!! most beloved and patient man god i don’t know what i would do without your steady presence in my life. i do not know how you manage to keep up with aktor’s blog so regularly but it’s impressive and amazing truly. anyway i want to specifically pick out the fact that you handle each of your characters with such different personalities and switch seamlessly between them. aktor has such Grace about him, carries himself in a Way that comes across whether he’s dealing with octopi on the ceiling or the heat death of his universe. illy ,, i love him. he’s charming to pieces and i could never write someone so smooth there is a REASON i write awkward virgin spaceboi and r.eddit virgin gin aahdjjd it is Impressive. and charlie of course is somehow the most sweetest feral man i have ever met. i literally think about the paper flower DAILY. love love love the contrast between each of them. truly still pools run deep with all of them, i can’t help but hint at tragic backstory with EVERY post but you don’t have to put the history front and center, you don’t need to rely on that to make them interesting. and when it comes up it is intriguing and amazing but like? they’re so developed already that the history feels like bonus points. it’s just lovely. mostly i think what sticks out is how deep their well of love is. like, all of them just seem to be the kindest, and it’s a beautiful reflection of their characters, but it sure is a reflection on you too. unselfish and sweet and constant. genuinely don’t know what i would do without you i’m lucky to have you. ty for existing

mutuals send me ✨ right now i want to shower you in love

#✨ʀᴇᴄᴇɪᴠɪɴɢ . . . pleasuretomeetme #✨ᴄᴏᴍᴍꜱ! . . . ooc #✨ᴘʀᴏʙʟᴇᴍ，ᴄᴀᴘᴛᴀɪɴ? . . . asks answered

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thevintageauthor · 1 year

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MY BETH. Sitting patient in the shadow Till the blessed light shall come, A serene and saintly presence Sanctifies our troubled home. Earthly joys and hopes and sorrows Break like ripples on the strand Of the deep and solemn river Where her willing feet now stand. O my sister, passing from me, Out of human care and strife, Leave me, as a gift, those virtues Which have beautified your life. Dear, bequeath me that great patience Which has power to sustain A cheerful, uncomplaining spirit In its prison-house of pain. Give me, for I need it sorely, Of that courage, wise and sweet, Which has made the path of duty Green beneath your willing feet. Give me that unselfish nature, That with charity divine Can pardon wrong for love's dear sake— Meek heart, forgive me mine! Thus our parting daily loseth Something of its bitter pain, And while learning this hard lesson, My great loss becomes my gain. For the touch of grief will render My wild nature more serene, Give to life new aspirations, A new trust in the unseen. Henceforth, safe across the river, I shall see for evermore A beloved, household spirit Waiting for me on the shore. Hope and faith, born of my sorrow, Guardian angels shall become, And the sister gone before me By their hands shall lead me home. - Louisa May Alcott, Good Wives #abstract #abstractphoto #abstractphotography #abstractphotos #abstractexpression #abstracture #photoartwork #abstractphotos #abstractphotoart #theschoolofphotography #camerapainting #abstractobsession #abstractartist #abstractshot #abstractshoot #photographyeveryday #photographysouls #photographyart #photographyaddict #photographysouls #photographyislife #photographyy #picoftheday #photographylovers #poetrycommunity #poemsofig #poemcommunity #heavyrainmag #worldviewmag @worldviewmag #thecuratormag @thecuratormag #bookstagram #bookstagrammer (at Good Times) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck_DnSly6lP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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runawaycarouselhorse · 2 years

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Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,

Make me a child again just for tonight!

Mother, come back from the echoless shore,

Take me again to your heart as of yore;

Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,

Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;

Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—

Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!

Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!

I am so weary of toil and of tears,—

Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—

Take them, and give me my childhood again!

I have grown weary of dust and decay,—

Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;

Weary of sowing for others to reap;—

Rock me to sleep, mother – rock me to sleep!

Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,

Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!

Many a summer the grass has grown green,

Blossomed and faded, our faces between:

Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,

Long I tonight for your presence again.

Come from the silence so long and so deep;—

Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!

Over my heart, in the days that are flown,

No love like mother-love ever has shone;

No other worship abides and endures,—

Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:

None like a mother can charm away pain

From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.

Slumber’s soft calms o’er my heavy lids creep;—

Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!

Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,

Fall on your shoulders again as of old;

Let it drop over my forehead tonight,

Shading my faint eyes away from the light;

For with its sunny-edged shadows once more

Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;

Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—

Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!

Mother, dear mother, the years have been long

Since I last listened your lullaby song:

Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem

Womanhood’s years have been only a dream.

Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,

With your light lashes just sweeping my face,

Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—

Rock me to sleep, mother, – rock me to sleep!

"Rock Me to Sleep" by Elizabeth Akers Allen

#childhood #nostalgia #Elizabeth Akers Allen #long post #the author's life is quite sad... her first husband abandoned her and her daughter #her second husband died after one year from tuberculosis and so did their only child #poetry

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thejewelv · 2 years

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A MOTHER’S LOVE by: Helen Steiner Rice

DESCRIPTION: Use unfamiliar words and shows love

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lunadileo · 3 years

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Hey!can you list your mtl fav venus signs??😌

Hi! Interesting question, it's a little difficult to choose but I will try. ☺️

1. Taurus Venus. Sensual, charming, sympathetic. Luxury lover, indulgent, loving and caring. Loyal and patient. Love to spoil oneself and loved ones.

2. Leo Venus. Dramatic, proud, impressive, warm-hearted, generous. Very loyal and dedicated in love and friendships. Fun-loving, cheerful, friendly, sociable. A star of the show.

3. Scorpio Venus. Deep, intense, passionate. It's all or nothing. Dedicated and loyal, possessive and magnetic. Protective of loved ones. Strong and impressive personality.

4. Aries Venus. Passionate, hot, independent, impressive. Full of life and love. Brave and exciting. Competitive and active. Very sexy and magnetic.

5. Virgo Venus. Kind, faithful, caring, serving. Show love in small details. High standards, selective, unobtrusive. Elegant and refined.

6. Cancer Venus. Delicate, sentimental, gentle, romantic. Very caring and loving towards family, friends, cherish memories and roots. Compassionate and helpful.

7. Capricorn Venus. Traditional, mature, serious about love and relationships. Trustworthy, reliable, patient.

8. Libra Venus. Refined, charming, artistic, tactful, with good manners. Seek harmony and balance. Good taste. Sociable and poised.

9. Sagittarius Venus. Adventurous, fun-loving, optimistic. Expressive and kind. Love to explore foreign countries, cultures, to travel and expand one's horizons.

10. Pisces Venus. Softhearted, compassionate, unselfish. Idealistic in love. Highly emotional, caring, understanding and very helpful.

11. Gemini Venus. Communicative, curious, fun, flirtatious. Need for mental stimulation and learning new things, ideas.

12. Aquarius Venus. Friendly, intellectual, independent and freedom-loving. Original, unconventional.

Honestly, it was very hard to choose one venus sign over another, because each of them is unique and beautiful, and I realized how much I love all of them! So don't really mind the enumeration cause all venus signs are my loveeees! 🥰💞

#ask #astrology #zodiac signs #venus #venus signs #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #lunadileo

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troubatrain · 3 years

Text

the times when things got hard...

two blurbs following want you to want me

read the rest here!

Matthew was having a hard time.

Everything was just bad. Changes were coming in Calgary and Matthew was falling behind for the first time in his life. He was down to the third line, he couldn’t score a goal to save his life, and while he was falling apart - he was enviously watching you succeed. Matthew had maybe three more weeks until you’d be at his doorstep from a training camp you had to attend. He was being patient, trying desperately not to call and make you feel upset for not being there when he was having a rough time. He’d been on his own for long enough, Matthew knew how to handle it, but everything was different now.

You were the first person Matthew talked to in the morning and the last one he talked to before bed. Your apartments in your cities had both of your names on the leases. Every piece of the homes were littered with relics of both of your accomplishments. Those things were important to your relationship, but the only thing Matthew had yet to do was lean on you for emotional support when he really needed it. Chantal once told you it might never happen, years of watching his father come home with nothing short of a smile on his face and advice to his kids to just leave it on the ice.

And you were fine with that.

Well, you were trying to be fine with it. You knew Matthew was having trouble, cringing when you saw him snap a stick in half in the penalty box the night before. He had bags under his eyes, exhaustion clear in his voice over Facetime right after. Those things were obvious, but when you were bed alone and Matthew didn’t ask you once for phone sex, you knew he was down bad. So you snuck a flight to Canada, keeping your secret to yourself until you unlocked the door to your shared apartment.

You put your things away quietly, throwing on a pair of Matthew’s sweats you were secretly missing because all of the ones you’d stolen just didn’t smell like him anymore. You missed him more than you realized, down the way he always made your coffee in the morning, and even though it wasn’t the way you usually drank it - you took it with a smile.

Then you heard a door slam, causing you to jump. You’d caught the last bit of the game in the car, listening to the radio with your cab driver who had nothing kind to say about the current state of the city’s hockey team. It wasn’t pretty, a ten minute major throwing Matthew out of the game and just as you suspected, he was pissed.

“Babe?” You call out, stepping out the bedroom and taking Matthew in. Fresh black eye, cut above his brow making it clear that even if he’d won that fight it wasn’t pretty. His tie was long gone, loose around his neck with a few buttons undone. He looked sad, a deep sigh leaving his body when he finally saw you.

Matthew didn’t say a word, emotionally overwhelmed to the point where he was speechless. You were standing right in front of him, like he desperately needed you to be. He didn’t have to ask, beg for you to be there for him, and something about that was so important to Matthew he didn’t have a word to describe it.

“I’m awful,” Matthew mumbled, pressing his head into your neck. You could feel the tears freely flowing from his eyes. Your heart was breaking, a guilt washing over you that maybe you could have been there sooner.

“Matty, you’re having a tough time right now but that doesn’t mean shit and you know that,” You try to reason with him, running your fingers through his overgrown curls. He shook his head no, his fingers digging into your hips, “Babe look at me.”

“No,” Matthew shook his head again, and you just took a deep breath, “Everyone wants me out of here, you’ll probably be next.”

You grab his hand, holding it out for that same silly handshake Matthew made up when you started dating. His lips twitched, forming a smirk while he slapped his hand against yours. Left, right, and a sweet kiss to your lips just like he always did, “I’m not going anywhere… except for back to camp.”

“You’re allowed to be here right?” Matthew questions, voice raspy and his lips ghosting over yours. It was a weird guilt he felt, like you’d left before you were supposed to for him and that if you were in some shit it would be his fault. He never wanted to be the reason you felt held back, a constant battle with his own selfish need to want you around but his unselfish want to see you flourish.

“You needed me and I’m here,” You whisper, leaving out the part where you really shouldn’t have left but if you were back by Monday nobody would know you were ever gone. You grab his cheeks, gently wiping away a few stray tears that had fallen from his eyes, “Please don’t ever think you’re a burden for talking to me about the hard times. I’m here for the good and the bad, the way you’re playing isn’t

going to change that.”

“I love you,” Matthew mumbles, pulling you into his chest and pressing his lips to your forehead, “And I missed you so much-”

“I did too, we have some time to make up for, I think,” You look up at Matthew, who had a smug smile and his brows raised at you. His hand landed on your ass, a chuckle following.

“I think my dick missed you the most.”

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.”

****

She’s barely even with him.

It was one comment on your instagram photo, some stranger deciding they knew more about your relationship with Matthew than you did. A series of comments followed, all because Matthew insisted on using that stupid rocket emoji on your picture, all of them the same.

I heard it’s all for PR so he doesn’t look like a bad guy.

He’s definitely cheating on her.

It wasn’t just that, things had been hard on you lately. You hadn’t scored in weeks, your loss column just getting higher while wins seemed to slip out from under you. Every part of your body was sore, that terrible habit you had of pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion was hard to break. It was even harder when Matthew was all the way in Canada and he couldn’t be there. You didn’t want to complain about it, there were plenty of times you weren’t there for him and whining wasn’t helping either of you, but you needed to see him.

You deleted the text on your phone a thousand times, a please come see me cry for help that Matthew couldn’t answer. He was on a road trip in New York, and there wasn’t anyway possible he could leave. Besides, it would’ve been unfair to put him in that kind of position.

Except Matthew knew you were struggling, keeping tabs on you while he was away because that was part of being a good boyfriend. Every loss your team took was breaking his heart, and you were way too stubborn to admit when you were upset. Which is why he started with a simple text.

Hey, I love you, and I’m proud of you.

No answer.

Matthew furrowed his brows, laying back on his hotel room bed and wondering if you were mad at him. Did he miss something? There was no way, a promise Matthew made to himself that he wasn’t going to fuck this up for himself by forgetting something as simple as an anniversary. He settled on Facetiming you, and when the phone only rang once before you ended it, he knew you ignored him. He called, two rings before you finally picked up, sniffling into the phone.

“I’m still enough right?” You whisper, your position much like his all the way in New York. You were laying in your bed, the one you’d shared with your boyfriend dozens of times, trying to fight off your own personal demons.

“You’re everything to me, you know that,” Matthew rushed out, his eyes widening at your words, “Babe-”

“You wouldn’t cheat on me?” You ask, Matthew mentally trying to figure out if he could swing a quick trip to Chicago and be back to play the Rangers by seven the next night.

“Never in my fucking life,” Matthew promises, shocked that you’d even think that. You were different, and he didn’t play games when it came to your relationship, “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

“It was just some comments on my Instagram picture about how we’re barely together, and, fuck, Matty they’re right,” You cry, Matthew was silent on the otherside of the phone, “I miss you and I can’t see you and I knew this would happen-”

“They’re not right,” Matthew growls, running a hand through his hair, “Y/N, I love you more than anything else in this world and if you asked me to hang it up tomorrow I would. Except you wouldn’t, because this is special, and fuck what other people have to say about it.”

“Promise?” You whisper, wiping your eyes and taking a deep breath, inhaling whatever scent was left of Matthew’s on his hoodie you were wearing.

“Yeah you’re stuck with me babe,” Matthew hums, smiling when he finally heard you let out a laugh on the other side of the phone, “I’m ordering you dinner, and go relax because you have a game tomorrow.”

“You have one too you know,” You muse, feeling lighter than you did when he called.

“First one to score wins?”

“Oh you’re on!”

“That’s my girl.”

#matthew tkachuk #blurbs #want you to want me blurbs #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

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officialyourdailyinspiration · 2 years

Text

Devotional Hours Within the Bible

by J.R. Miller

Living Up to Our Prayers (Psalm 5:3)

"My voice shall you hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto you - and will look up."

"In the morning will I direct my prayer unto you - and will look up." That is, he would watch to see the answer coming. One interesting illustration of this watching for the answer to prayer - is in the case of Elijah's prayer for rain. The prophet bowed himself on the ground, and began to pray. Then he sent his servant up to the crest of the mountain to look out toward the sea, to keep watch, and tell him what he saw. The servant came back and said he saw nothing. Seven times did Elijah pray, each time bidding the servant to go to the mountain-top to look. At length the servant reported that he saw a little cloud as small as a man's hand coming up out of the sea. The prayer was answered. The prophet believed that rain would come when he prayed, and he looked up and watched for the rising of the cloud, until it appeared. That is the way we should always pray. "In the morning will I order my prayer unto you - and I will keep watch."

Must we not confess that ofttimes when we pray - we never think again of our requests, and would be greatly surprised if what we asked for, would come to us? But if we really desire the things we ask for, we will expect them and will eagerly watch for their coming. Our prayers should be part of our life. They should rule and influence all our living. Always when we pray - we should look up, expecting to receive what we have asked for.

There are some of our prayers which if answered, will work deep and radical changes in our lives. If we tried seriously to live up to them, we would be rising every day into higher spiritual altitudes. We pray to be made unselfish. Do we mean it! Do we really want to become unselfish? If we put ourselves under discipline, to grow into unselfishness, we would constantly find a restraining hand upon our desires and dispositions, upon our conduct and acts, and would feel in our hearts evermore an impulse toward love and all serving of others. "Love seeks not its own." It lives for others. It forgets self. "As I have loved you, that you also love one another," is the Master's statement of the law of Christian life.

We pray to be made unselfish. Dare we let the prayer be answered? It would change many things in our conduct, in our treatment of others. It would set us in new relations to all about us. It would check in us the crafty desire, so common in dealing with men, to get the better of the other man in all transactions, to have the best place. What would happen in our lives - if these prayers would he answered?

We pray to be made patient. If we are sincere, and then begin to live up to our prayer, what will the effect be? We shall find our tongues checked and restrained again and again, on the very edge of angry outbursts, when about to speak unadvisedly. We shall have our harsh and bitter feelings softened continually, by an irresistible influence toward quietness and gentleness. If our prayer to be made patient were to be answered at once, by one mighty access of grace in our hearts, what a change it would make in us!

There is no prayer that most Christians breathe out to God oftener than that they be made like Christ. But if we really wish to be transformed into Christ's likeness, the desire will burn like a fire in us, cleansing and purifying us, and the new life will become so overmastering in us - that it will possess us body and soul, until Christ shall indeed live in us! If while we pray to be made like our Master - we live up to our prayer, old things in us will pass away and all things will become new.

The prayer will affect every phase of our behavior and conduct. It will hold before us continually the image of Christ and will keep ever full and clear in our vision - a new standard of thought, of feeling, of desire, of act and word. It will keep us asking all the while such questions as these: "How would Jesus answer this question about duty? How would Jesus treat this man who has been so unkind to me? What would Jesus do if He were here today, just where I am?" When we pray to be made like our Master, are we truly willing to have all in us that is unlike Him, taken out; and all His beauty now lacking in us, wrought in us!

Our Lord has given us some specific and very definite instructions concerning praying and living. For example, He teaches us that if we would have our own sins forgiven, we must forgive those who have sinned against us. The prayer runs, "Forgive us our sins - as we forgive those who sin against us." There is no mistaking the meaning of this petition. Each time we sin and make confession, asking God to forgive us - it commits us to an act toward others, which we ask God to perform toward us. We solemnly pledge ourselves to show the same mercy to our fellow men, which we beseech God to show to us. Yesterday someone wronged us, injured us, treated us unkindly, did something which stung us, hurt us. Last night we looked back over our day and it was blotted and stained. We prayed God to forgive us all these wrong things. He is very merciful and loves to forgive His children. But after our prayer - we still kept in our hearts the bitter feelings toward the man who wronged us yesterday - the resentment, the unforgiveness.

Jesus tells us very plainly what we should do when praying, if we discover a wrong feeling in our heart, or if in the bright light we remember something we have done that was not right. He is exhorting against anger in any form, telling us in words that should startle us if we are indulging in any harsh feelings against any other - that hatred, bitterness, and contempt of others are violations of the commandment, "You shall not kill." Then He illustrates His meaning by an example: "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has anything against you; leave there your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

When we approach God's altar a glorious light shines upon us, the light of the divine Presence. If in this intense brightness we remember that today or yesterday we did something to another that was not right, that we were unjust to him, that we wronged or injured him, we should seek to get right with our brother before we go any farther with our worship. In order to do this - it may sometimes be necessary for us even to interrupt our devotion and go away and confess what we have done and obtain forgiveness, before we can finish our worship.

An old Psalm writer says, "If I regard iniquity in my heart - the Lord will not hear." So we really cannot go on with our prayer if there are bitter feelings in our heart. We must get these out - before we can find an open way to God for ourselves. We must get right with God - before we can be right with men. "First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." This might stop the easy flow of our words sometimes, while we go out to get something right which we see in God's presence to be wrong. But it would save us from some of the mockeries of prayer which now mar our worship.

Take another phase of the subject. "In the morning will I order my prayer unto you, and will keep watch." There are prayers which we cannot finish on our knees. They can be ended only in some field of duty. When the Hebrews were leaving Egypt, they seemed to have been caught in a trap beside the Red Sea. Moses was lying on his face, crying to God for deliverance. The Lord called to him, "Why are you crying unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward." Clearly, duty, for Moses, that moment, was not to stay on his knees, crying to God for deliverance. He must rise and lead the people forward.

There are many illustrations. Your neighbor is in some trouble. You hear of it, and being a believer in prayer, you go to your place of devotion and plead that God would send him the help he needs. But almost certainly, prayer is not the duty of the hour. Rather, it is to rise from your knees and go to your neighbor and with your own hands do for him what he needs to have done. If a friend of yours is taken suddenly ill, or is injured in an accident, your duty probably is not to go to your closet and spend a season in prayer for him - but to hasten for a physician.

It is our duty to pray always, to take everything to God. But usually prayer is not all our duty. Ofttimes, we must go out to answer our own prayers. There is too much selfish praying - praying only for ourselves. Such prayers are not heard. The Lord's Prayer teaches us that we must include all men in our supplications. Love never ends with ourselves, nor does prayer. We must pray for others, and if we pray for our neighbors, we must go forth to answer their cries for help. While we pray for those in distress, we must open our hand toward those who need.

It is the weakness of many people's prayers - that they end with their utterance. We may think we are keeping watch for the answers - but we are only idly waiting for God to do - what He is waiting for us to do! We ask God to give bread to the hungry and drink to the thirsty, not remembering that the Master will say, "For I was hungry and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in; I was naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not take care of Me." Prayer for the relief of others in distress - must be followed at once by personal ministries of love. We are to pray and then to hasten out, filled with the Spirit, to do the work that needs to be done.

Take another phase of the lesson. All praying has for its highest reach, its divinest attainment, perfect submission to the will of God. Every true prayer we make must end with "not my will - but Yours, be done." Many prayers therefore never become prayers, because they never become acquiescent in God's will. Before we can look up and see the answers coming, we must learn the great lesson of self-surrender. We know not what to pray for as we ought. We do not know what is best for ourselves. Only when we are ready to commit all things that concern us into the hands of God, and let Him order our ways - are we sure that they will be well-ordered. When we are ready to pray thus, we are ready to look up and watch for the answer which God will give.

Such consecration of the will is the supremest reach of faith and life. When we have come to this point we can always look up and know that the answer will come. Some things we hoped for may not come - but if not, then something better will come instead.

#James Russell Miller #Devotional Hours Within the Bible #Living Up to Our Prayers #Psalm 5:3 #March 4 #2022

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sobeautifullyobsessed · 1 year

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I’m currently reading your fic She Had Gardenias in Her Hair and it is lovely!!! I adore it so and your writing is amazing!!! You capture details so beautifully!!! *SQUEES* I’m excited for more!!!

Ahhhhhhhh, bless you dear!💖😘 I really needed to hear this today!! I want so much to update it, but it's slow going with my writer's block. However, since you are enjoying it so much, I'd like to share an excerpt from the next chapter.

She Wore Gardenias In Her Hair -

a Stephen Strange x Female Reader Romance

...His voice had done it to you this time, as it so often did, whether he was at your side or far off by phone. It amused you that he was oblivious to the fact that he could devastate you with a simple phrase or two, in that rich, deep, chocolate threaded through with smooth caramel, voice of his. And that was when he wasn’t even trying. The thrumming baritone of his deepest laughter, the growls he would gift you when he was feeling frisky, the compelling music of his heady moans and hearty groans when you pleasured him—and the sweetness of his praise as he loved you, along with the lewd exclamations and exhortations he could be moved to at the height of your shared passions—left you drenched in need and desire to be everything he needed you to be. Even in dreams, his voice moved you and ignited your fever for him.

You sighed hard and your sister, Katie, giggled, “She’s thinking about how handsome Stephen is going to look, waiting for her at the altar…”

“Nah,” Jenny countered, “She’s thinking about their honeymoon…”

“I’ll have you know it’s neither, ladies,” you corrected them.

“Then what,” they asked in unison.

“If you must know,” you replied patiently, “I’m thinking of his voice.” And the things that it does to me—although that’s a secret I plan to keep right now.

Your eyes remained shut, but you felt the knowing look your sisters exchanged--but the delicious memory tugging at your mind bid you allow their skepticism to pass.

______________________________________

You knew you shouldn’t be giving into this train of recollections, with the ceremony just a couple hours away. Getting yourself worked up right now was useless—Stephen being far downtown, surely preparing himself for what was to come—and counterproductive. But the silken invitation of his luxurious voice had you badly wanting to dwell upon one of your most cherished memories. That of the first night he’d taken you to bed.

Man of magic he surely was, but that night a different sort of magic had flowed from his tongue. The magic words you had been waiting for; the proof that the bond growing between you went well beyond physical attraction. Stay with me tonight…all I want is to hold you while you sleep. To dream of what lies ahead for us while you dream by my side…to wake up to your sleepy eyes and pretty smile…above the covers, and fully clothed. Because I just want…you. Stephen had been unaware that he had just provided you exactly what you had been waiting for, and as equally stunned when you took his hands to lead the way to his bedroom.

His voice. Low and seductive and liquid gold as he loved you through the night. His hands. Scarred, and tremoring at times when he couldn’t exert the focus needed to keep them still. So very beautiful to your eyes despite that he thought them ugly. Beautiful not only because he now dedicated them in unselfish service to humanity—but in and of themselves. Long, elegant, clever fingers, damaged yet strong or tender as they were needed to be. You had seen Stephen do his best to hide the pain that persisted from overuse or the vagaries of bad weather. How careful he was some days, about lifting light objects, even unto an empty coffee cup. How careful he was to keep from jarring them with sudden movements or--god forbid--bumping them into something (or someone). You had always made sure to treat them tenderly, anticipating his needs whenever you could, to spare him discomfort. And on that night, at last, when he lavished upon you the worship of his hands, he allowed you to show them the loving care your heart had longed to express.

But first, you had wanted to give him some share of the bliss he had just granted you. With your palm cupping his shaft you spread your fingers wide, trying to enclose as much of him in your hand as you could. His skin was hot, his veins and ridges thick and swollen. You gave him a brief squeeze, testing for his reaction, loving his quiet groan and how he bucked into your grasp. “Gawd help me…” you breathed against his lips, “…you’re big, Stephen. So, so big…” you had husked, stretching your thumb up to run it across his slit and smear his leaked fluid in slow circles across on the head of his cock, “Even bigger that I’ve been imagining…” His breath shuddered, so that you tightened your grasp and captured his lower lip between yours, giving it slow, patient suck—then echoed that by sliding your hand from his base to his tip, and back again and again. You felt a heady exuberance that this powerful sorcerer, this stalwart hero—this best of all men, whom you were already head over heels in love with—had become vulnerable to you. Had become, for now and in the hours ahead, yours, and yours alone.

Your teeth grazed his now swollen lip when you released it, and he gave a quick grunt, moving his strong hand from the small of your back to cup your bottom possessively. “Careful, baby doll—it’s been a long, long time,” he growled, grinding into your hand, “Keep teasing me that way and I’m gonna go off like a rocket. And as amazing as that would feel, I’d much rather cum when I’m deep inside you.” Your turn to shudder; he had spoken that word like as an intimate caress, and your walls tightened in anticipation...

*bats eyes innocently* And please do keep your fingers crossed that My Muse visits me soon, granting me the magic to finish the chapter. I so wanna get to the moment Stephen gets his first look at his bride, soft & beautiful & resplendent as she comes down the aisle, two perfect gardenias in her hair.

She Wore Gardenias In Her Hair Masterlist

#groovy-lady #thank you for the ask!#my writing #She Wore Gardenias In Her Hair #romance #pure unadulterated romance #smut #stephen strange x female reader #doctor strange x female reader #Strangebatch #My Eternal Muse

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wouldduskwood · 3 years

Text

Descendants of Despair Part 58

“It’s a good idea, but there are a lot of things we need to take into consideration. We need to try and do it in a way that they aren’t going to be able to talk to each other. If they have a chance to get their stories straight, we will lose any valuable knowledge from inconsistencies.” Jake stated. I was pleased he wasn’t rejecting the idea all together, but he had some valid points that I hadn’t considered when I made my suggestion. “So, how do we do it?” I groaned. “Uh there is a way…” Jake murmured, suddenly blushing. I raised my eyebrow as I stared at him, wondering how his plan had made him embarrassed.

“Well...what if...uh...we do...like a…” Jake stuttered uncomfortably then spoke in a rush “whatifwedoasortofbachelorandhenparty….” “Wait, did I hear that right?” I asked. Jake appeared to confirm my hearing as he lowered his head and watched his toe tracing circles in the dirt. “But...wait? What?” I mumbled, suddenly as embarrassed and unsure as he was. “I mean...maybe we make it like we are seeking their approval maybe...after all my sister is part of that friendship group and...we could...like sort of pretend like you are seeking her permission and I could uh, I dunno, maybe you tell Dan he’s like a brother to you and like you would really like his blessing and that I dunno...this is like a way of them getting to know us or something...then like...we can get them together in smaller groups...in like a contained space...then pick them off one by one and...not give them a chance to talk to each other about it...” Jake replied, still stuttering over his words and refusing to meet my eyes.

“Jake...why don’t we?” I asked, also avoiding eye contact and suddenly very interested in the patch of broken concrete I was sitting on. “Why don’t we what?” Jake asked, shooting me a quick glance before returning his gaze to his feet. “Why don’t we get engaged properly?” I mumbled, burying my face in my hands and trying desperately to hide from his gaze.

I waited as patiently as I could, but Jake’s silence started to grate on me so I looked up at him. His eyes were wide as he backed away. “No...no...I can’t…” he stammered and took off running. I watched him go, too shocked to try and stop him. I had put myself fully out there, and now regretted it. I knew, deep down, that he would have a good reason for it...and knowing him it would be something entirely noble, gentlemanly and unselfish, but at that moment I wanted to be angry at him for leaving me like that after I’d confessed just how deep my feelings for him were.

"Fuck!" I screamed loudly, thankful that we were in the middle of nowhere. I was suddenly restless, unable to run in case I ran into Jake while he was processing things but unwilling to stay still. I began pacing frantically back and forth then decided to take my anger out on a nearby bush, running at it and throttling it. It wasn't the wisest choice. The Bush fought back and my arms were soon covered with scratches that, though they weren't painful, were itchy and irritating. Just as I was about to go in for another blow, I was pulled to the ground and pinned down by a frantic Jake.

"Stop...Mc just stop okay" Jake murmured intensely, pressing his body against mine. "Uh…" I muttered. "I just needed to get out some pent up energy. I’m not going crazy." Jake pulled back slowly, letting me sit but watching me intently. "Really, I'm fine. It was a dumb idea. Forget I said anything."

"No. No it wasn't a dumb idea. It was the best idea...in another world...But not...not like this...not now...not while we have so much hanging over our heads. Mc I can't condemn you to a lifetime of waiting for me...if I get locked away...I could be in jail for a long time….you know I'd be down on one knee right now if I could guarantee our future together...and a future where you are safe from my troubles...but I can't...I can't be responsible for making you unhappy. Just...please don't put that on me...I...if you asked again...I don't think I'd be able to stop myself saying yes. I...it's so hard for me not to be selfish right now...I want so desperately to say yes…" Jake's rambling speech was both irritating and for noble reasons like I'd assumed. But just looking at his face, how close he was to breaking down, I couldn't argue. I couldn't tell him that I'd rather have the promise of marriage even if it meant waiting a lifetime...than to not have him.

The selfish part of me wanted to ask again, to have Jake be selfish too, but I couldn’t do it to him. I couldn’t set about making a life built on manipulation. Not when I had tried so hard to just be honest with him. We had reached an impasse of sorts. Why did life have to be so fucking complicated? Jake remained close, but kept casting furtive concerned looks in my direction. I decided to put him out of his misery. “Look, the only way this is going to work is if you meet Lilly first. We can hardly say that we are seeking her approval when she hasn’t even met you.” I sighed, directing the conversation back to business.

“Uh...but I don’t know how.” Jake muttered, suddenly uncomfortable again. “Jake...you know how to talk.” I stated wryly, but I did get where he was coming from so before he could respond I continued. “We get you an ear piece, I will sit somewhere with your computer and like, I dunno, Google anything that comes up that we can’t answer and see what other people have said then I’ll say it to you and you say it to her?” I questioned, actually fairly proud of myself. Google, the great social equaliser. “Hm, that could work, if you can do it fast enough. I shrugged. "I’m sure there will be some sort of website out there dedicated to helping people through socially awkward situations with long lost loved ones. We will do some research first so I can bounce around the websites quicker."

“Okay,” Jake smiled. “I like that...well I like that more than anything else so far, so let’s give it a go. Come on, let's explore how to make me into a real boy!”

Part 59

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