#My self sabotaging goals are beyond your understanding
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Anon wrote: Hi, I’ve been reading your blog and so far it was very helpful for me. I am an infj and I’ve realized that I don’t do things for the sake of myself. For example, skin care or basic chores. I can of course motivate myself if I frame it like “if you don’t do your skincare, you’ll look bad in front of people”. And then I would do it of course. But I don’t want to do anything for my own sake. I have a good morning routine of 3 habits that I do regularly, but after that, I don’t want to do anything. I think I am stuck in pleasure-pain worldview.
I’ve read your post in which you said that self-development should come from a place of love and care for ourselves. Even though I’d like to think that I love myself, my actions tell me that I don’t. I understand that following this path won’t bring me to good places. But if don’t care, what do I do?
I can expect that you’ll say to utilize Fe, but I don’t have good close friendships to lean on. For over a month I’ve been inviting my friends to meet and spend time together, but out of 6-7 people nobody had time (or desire) to meet me. I meet people at the uni and talk, but these aren’t close relationships. I am trying to figure out a trajectory out of this, but I get into a loop, often reading your posts lol. I woke up from years of thinking that I’m doing great when in reality I had poor social skills and was basically isolated. I do well on weekdays, but weekends get tough.
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You say reading my blog is helpful for you, then you say after reading you get into tertiary loop. Doesn't make much sense. I don't really follow your reasoning. Who is the one afraid of looking bad? Who is the one seeking pleasure and avoiding pain? Who is the one feeling isolated and seeking companionship? It is you, isn't it? You are the person directing all of this thinking and behavior… and for what? For yourself. For satisfying your needs, desires, and goals.
As far as I can tell, it is indeed true that you don't do things for the sake of your SELF (you may also call it "Spirit" or "Soul" if you want). When one does things for the sake of capital-S Self, one's decisions are motivated primarily by integrity and well-being. Such decisions can sometimes feel difficult, but one knows that the long term costs of denying the Self are exponentially more difficult. Everyone already has within them the necessary tools for proper self-care. Anyone can, at any time, get in touch with the Self and allow it to lead them toward a more meaningful and fulfilling life.
But if you're not doing things for the sake of the Self, what are you doing things for then? Short answer: Ego. What are you? Are you and your ego one in the same? Do you identify as a weak, broken, or flawed person? Do you identify as a special, exceptional, or underappreciated person? All of these labels relate to ego. Whatever superficial label you identify as, when you are confronted with evidence to the contrary, the ego reacts negatively. Ego is about propping up a false self-image, protecting and defending it against violation, and constructing the kind of life that is necessary to validate and justify its continued existence.
When you are identified with ego and do things for the sake of protecting the ego, you are actually choosing a solipsistic, short-sighted, and superficial way of life. It is solipsistic because the ego knows nothing beyond personal comfort and desire. It is short-sighted because the ego is too easily distracted and led astray by immediate pains and pleasures. It is superficial because the ego only reacts to symptoms and has no deep insight into the root cause of problems.
Propping up a false self-image comes at the expense of your integrity and well-being, and it creates cycles of self-sabotage. As long as you appear okay on the surface, who cares about the deeper truth, right? Wrong. How is Ni supposed to be healthy, i.e, to have a clear vision and set the right aspirations to strive for in life, when you do not prioritize the truth and do not always act in service of the truth? You can't be a person of integrity and live a life of integrity as long as you can't face down the truth about yourself.
What is the truth about you? How did you get to the point of living in total denial? The truth is that you have unfulfilled needs? The truth is that you didn't really want to be aware of your unfulfilled needs because you were afraid of the change that would be required of you to fulfill them? The truth is that this deep-seated fear kept you making poor decisions that led you away from proper self-care? The truth is that it's hard to feel motivated to care when doing so would interfere with denial?
My blog is meant for people who are ready and willing to change, so maybe it's not appropriate for you. Are you actually ready when you're still claiming that you don't care? Someone who truly "doesn't care" doesn't have any will to live. They would neither seek change nor ask for help. Your actions indicate that you do indeed care. But because you care more about ego than Self, you don't get good results. This leads to a sense of failure that erodes motivation.
When people say they have trouble caring, they're telling a lie of sorts, but they cling to the lie because it's an ego defense mechanism that helps numb the pain of unfulfilled needs. Apathy just masks a deeper emotional problem with boredom, fear, disappointment, depression, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, or even anger. But apathy cannot hide the truth of your neglected needs forever and it, too, will eventually become painful. No one can make you care, convince you to care, or beat you into caring. It is a choice you make when you finally realize the alternative path of spiritual death is far too painful to bear.
Like it or not, human beings are cooperative and social creatures, born with the drive to connect and care. Denying your true nature only leads to despair. It's good you're starting to recognize the real extent of your isolation and the need for more connection. While I appreciate that you're trying to learn from others through my blog, beware of misapplying ideas. Someone else's solution might not work for you when your underlying problem is different from theirs.
Many INFJs suffer Ti loop due to poor social skills. But different INFJs are bad at socializing for different reasons, so have you figured out what YOUR reasons really are? You seem to lack self-awareness probably due in large part to poor emotional awareness (something to work on), so you still haven't gotten to the bottom of what's really ailing you. It's very important to grasp the root cause(s) of the problem before you try to apply a solution, otherwise, you could end up with a string of negative results that only exacerbate apathy.
You need more connection, but when you try to connect with people through ego only, the relationship dynamic only ever revolves around the ego's many insecurities. The lower the level of ego development, the more insecurities a person tends to suffer from. Many people are at low levels of ego development and it means they're not "relationship-ready" because their insecurities too often become obstacles to connection. While the majority of people out there are decent humans, decency isn't always enough to make a person a great candidate for a close relationship. The question is: What makes a great candidate and are you one, with the ability to spot and attract other great candidates? Even when you meet the right people, you'll always have a hard time forming close relationships as long as you're not relationship-ready yourself and haven't properly addressed why.
What is the best way to fulfill the need for more connection? For most people, it is through interpersonal relationships. However, what you have yet to learn is that the most important relationship you need to attend to first is the one you have with your Self. Only when you are emotionally connected with your Self and honoring your spiritual needs can you have the right frame of mind to form meaningful connection with others. When people are emotionally connected with the Self, interpersonal relationships get easier, because the most sensitive and vulnerable parts of them are freed up to love and be loved wholeheartedly. The kindness, empathy, and perceptiveness that is needed for socializing successfully come out much more naturally when the Self has been released from the constraints of ego and its compulsion to control. Are you ready and willing to let go of the pretense and denial and finally allow your authentic Self to come to the fore and lead the way?
#infj#auxiliary fe#ti loop#integrity#needs#ego#denial#apathy#emotional intelligence#development#spirituality#meaning of life#ask
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SATURDAY TAROT: STRENGTH
April 22nd, 2023
Welcome to today’s Tarot reading. The focus for today’s message will be strength. What is your hidden strength and potential? Please choose a pile below and then proceed to receive your message.
Today’s piles:
Pile One/Feather, Pile Two/Heart, Pile Three/Sun
Let’s begin!
PILE ONE/FEATHER
I get the feeling that there is a lot of drama in your life right now and this is causing you to view yourself in a negative light. You are surrounded by people who are immature and insecure. They may have been gossiping about you or lying to you, and it’s leading you to feel that you aren’t worthy of having real friendships because so many people seem to be trying to stab you in the back. What you don’t realize about yourself is that you have the power to cut through the crap and see things for what they really are. What you really need to focus on is listening to your own inner voice and learning to let go of people who aren’t acting with your best interests at heart. This may be difficult for you because you are a social type of person and you enjoy the company of others, but you may have a “take what you can get” attitude. Realize that you do have the potential to bring people into your life who are going to treat you more fairly and you are worthy, but you need to make the choice to sever relationships that are toxic in order to make room for healthy ones.
PILE TWO/HEART
My first thought was “self sabotage”. There is the potential for a really awesome relationship in your future but you’re not allowing a loving relationship with yourself. You may be struggling to get your emotions under control and this means that you just cannot open up the way you need to in order to allow this new romance to manifest. What you don’t realize is that you are perfectly capable of finding balance within yourself; it’s merely a matter of getting yourself grounded and doing the necessary shadow work so that you better manage when feelings of sadness or diminished self-confidence surface. Although you may have fought and possibly lost some hard battles in the past, don’t let this keep you from moving forward. Right now, you are more at risk for hurting yourself than being hurt by someone else. You absolutely have the ability to grow from your previous heartaches as long as you are willing to face and overcome the deeper emotions that are currently causing you problems.
PILE THREE/SUN
You have so much potential when it comes to manifestation and achieving your goals. I get the sense that you have really great intuition but you have a hard time trusting it. You may get too caught up worrying about whether or not you're making the right choices rather than just "going with the flow". Your hidden ability lies in being able to find everything you need within yourself; it’s really not going to do you any good to seek external validation. You may have faced some obstacles in the past that you struggled to overcome, and this further diminished your faith in yourself. Focus on understanding that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes perceived failures are due to forces beyond our control. You have the potential to bring about the changes you wish to see in your life; you just need to learn to go with your instinct and not let your vision become clouded with fear or self-doubt.
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Europe is facing a generational energy crisis as it heads into winter. A shortfall of 150 billion cubic meters of gas—gas that Russian won’t be delivering to Europe this year because of its war in Ukraine—has left Europe scrambling to find alternatives and contain the fallout. Gas prices in Europe are now about eight times the average of the past 10 years—and about eight times more expensive than prices in the United States. Governments are appealing to the public to reduce their gas usage while also trying to ensure consumers and businesses can afford to pay their gas and electricity bills at all—all the while preparing for the worst-case scenarios, ranging from periodic blackouts to cascades of industrial bankruptcies.
Can Europe afford to keep its businesses—and its citizens—warm and safe through this winter? Does the energy crisis mean an end to Europe’s climate policy goals? And can Americans even understand the crisis that Europeans now face?
Those are some of the questions that came up in my conversation this week with FP columnist Adam Tooze on the podcast we co-host, Ones and Tooze. What follows is a transcript of the interview, edited for clarity and length. For the entire conversation, subscribe to Ones and Tooze on your preferred podcast app.
Cameron Abadi: We’re talking about this as an acute energy crisis right now as winter approaches, but my understanding is that next winter is slated to get worse, when gas storage facilities have been depleted and there aren’t supplies to fill them in time. How long exactly is Europe’s energy crisis likely to last?
Adam Tooze: I think the short answer is we don’t know. But it would be foolish to assume that it will be short and that it will be over next year. I mean, barring something unforeseen, like a Russian collapse or some extraordinary deal with OPEC, there’s really no reason to think that the situation is not going to get progressively more difficult. Because the crucial thing is that this year, because Europe was slow to move aggressively against Russia, they were able to fill up the gas storage tanks. I mean, if Europe were to experience a severe winter this year, and there is some meteorological evidence suggesting that we might be headed into that, it’s quite likely that there will be major shortages already this winter. But certainly next year all bets are off, really—it’s not obvious where the replenishment of the stocks will come from next year. Over a time horizon of two to three to four years, with some of the investment in floating LNG [liquefied natural gas] terminals, major economies will begin to really feed through and make the balance easier to strike. There’s a sense that this year is nerve-wracking. Next year looks as though it’s going to be the toughest period. And then beyond that, the situation eases again.
CA: You predicted in one of our podcasts at the beginning of the war that it was probably only a matter of time until Nord Stream 2, the gas pipeline between Russia and Germany, was back in use. You described it as too great a financial investment to simply abandon on either side. And now the pipeline has been sabotaged, with plenty of people believing that Russia was the likely culprit. Do you think the West is now decoupling from Russia permanently?
AT: Yeah, I was wrong about Nord Stream 2. Not the only thing I’ve been wrong about this year. What I totally underestimated was just the reckless violence and self-harming tendencies of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s regime. I think it is pretty much clear now and a done deal. It seems very difficult to conceive of how Europe would ever turn these pipelines back on again. I really think we are looking at a kind of permanent uncoupling, in fact, as far as Germany is concerned. It’s already happened, right? So September this year was the first month since the 1970s that Germany has effectively done without new Russian gas supplies. The share of Russian imports in Europe’s total imports of gas have fallen from 41 percent to 9 percent in the course of a single year.
To think of it as a kind of resumption of the Cold War may be useful. If you go back to the beginning of the Cold War, there wasn’t a lot of trade going on. West Germany was in an extremely hard-line position vis-à-vis the Soviet Union. And if one was to be facetious, you know, a return to the Cold War era would, in fact, solve Europe’s problems, specifically with regard to temperature regulation. If Europe is at once to very substantially reduce its import deficit of gas, all it really needs to do is turn the thermostats down from an average of 22 degrees centigrade [71.6 degrees Fahrenheit] to 19 degrees centigrade [66.2 degrees], which would hugely slice and cut back on its import dependance. Some historical studies have shown that, in the early 1980s, households in the U.K. were heated to only 16 degrees centigrade [60.8 degrees]. And I vividly remember shivering and, you know, wearing a pullover inside in that period in drafty English houses.
CA: I didn’t mean to suggest in all this that the United States is immune from Russia’s influence over energy markets either. The latest news is that Russia and Saudi Arabia, the leading players in the oil cartel OPEC+, have announced a plan to limit their output of oil to the tune of about 2 million barrels a day. In general, U.S. politicians love to tout that the U.S. is the world’s biggest producer of oil and gas. But does this show that it’s kind of impossible to really be energy independent?
AT: Yeah, this is a really interesting question, because this idea of energy independence is so seductive. I think, for the Europeans, it’s the fantasy on the far distant horizon in case they manage to do the renewable energy transition. But for the U.S., it’s really a kind of abiding fantasy. And it really depends on a complex array of factors, whether you are de facto independent or not—on political choices, on corporate strategies and physical infrastructure.
And there’s a really interesting contrast here between gas and oil, because in gas, the United States is de facto independent. Why? Because it has a huge volume of fracked gas that’s being produced and because only a small portion can be exported.
When it comes to oil, America is bound into a forcefield that is dominated by the two other big suppliers, Saudi Arabia and Russia, which have been organizing this complex OPEC+ cartel. And what we’re seeing in the current moment is the Biden administration’s desperate efforts to corral the Saudis into not engaging in this reduction in production, which the Saudis are now aiming for, so as to continue to supply American consumers of petrol and oil through the U.S. midterm elections at least. This is a Democratic administration quite transparently, I think, engaged in global electioneering by way of muscling the OPEC cartel. The interesting thing is the Saudis aren’t listening. The Saudis have just gone ahead and announced this cut.
CA: It seems as if the European governments have focused their initial policy response to this crisis more on helping out households rather than industries, which are also facing higher energy and heating costs. So I’m wondering, are there likely to be waves of industrial bankruptcies this winter and in the winters to come? And if that is the case, what sorts of industries are most likely to be affected?
AT: It’s important to emphasize, it can hardly be said that the interests of European businessmen are neglected, because Europe’s governments refused to impose any one-sided massive energy or gas import boycott on Russia. They just wouldn’t move because they knew they would get huge pushback, notably from the most powerful lobbies in Germany, on that issue. But now the situation is really very severe—there’s no question at all. And all of those factors come into play. The size of businesses, their location, the scale of national government budgets—it is going to be more and more decisive because we are now talking about huge subsidy programs.
So Germany and the U.K. have both now passed energy price support budgets, which run to the tune of 5 to 6 percent of GDP. So that’s like two times the Pentagon budget in the United States. These are huge programs, which have been decided in very short order. And this is going to play out business-to-business, consumers-versus-businesses, regions-versus-each other. And it’s going to play out in government-against-government. So recently, the German government announced a giant, 200 billion euro [$195 billion] program to subsidize energy consumption in Germany. And this has produced a storm of outrage in the rest of Europe because if Germany subsidizes energy consumption, that will drive up demand for individual prices for everyone else, and Germany is the biggest consumer in Europe. And also because Germany didn’t even think apparently to coordinate this with anyone else in Europe. And it’s quite clear that if the European states get into a competitive bidding war for energy subsidies, Germany, with a relatively strong balance sheet, is going to come out on top. So if Europe is serious about avoiding fragmentation, which was one of the key arguments in 2020 over COVID-19, then at some point there has to be a serious conversation about fiscally balancing these claims. It’s mind-boggling to me that this was not apparent to Berlin four to six weeks ago.
CA: So how does Europe’s energy crisis response until now line up with its climate goals? Could Europe have been more concerted in using this crisis as an opportunity to advance its climate policies? Could it have poured some of the hundreds of billions of dollars that are going into price controls into renewable investments, for example?
AT: Yeah, we shouldn’t gild the lily here. There’s no doubt this is a disaster. Europe was embarked since 2020 on an accelerated energy transition. And this forces Europe backward into rebuilding and investing in fossil fuel infrastructure. You know, the spending on the LNG terminals is going to run through about 10 billion euros [$9.7 billion]. And then on top of that, of course, the gas is going to be imported. So you are building infrastructure there, which on any optimistic assessment of the energy transition will be not be needed 10 years from now. In the meantime, you’re providing direct subsidies to consumers to continue their consumption of fossil fuels—and not just for gas either. I mean, the French support program includes 7 billion euros [$6.8 billion] for drivers for petrol and diesel.
All told, the estimate is that Europe is going to sink about 50 billion euros [$48 billion] into various types of subsidies for continued fossil fuel consumption. I think we have to recognize this is frankly a rather tragic situation, that there really aren’t obvious alternatives. I mean, it’s not just an economic crisis—it’s a flat-out social crisis that Europe is facing. We haven’t mentioned the term “fuel poverty” or “energy poverty,” but that’s what’s going on here. Lower-income European households, without these subsidies and without these interventions, would be facing, by European standards at least, really manifest and serious deprivation over the course of this winter. We should expect a spike in excess mortality. So governments had to respond.
But we should be clear about the fact that this is really, from the point of view of climate politics in the short run at least, a serious, serious setback. In the long run, I think it will energize the transition. But we actually have to see action on that front. And this is not the moment to expect it on a large scale because the fiscal demands are huge.
CA: That brings me to my final question, which is whether this is the widest gap you can recall between the economic experiences of people living in Europe and the United States. We’re facing years of energy crisis in Europe, with all the strained public finances, the struggling households, the bankrupt businesses that we’ve been talking about. And it seems as if there’s really nothing of that kind being discussed in the United States. Obviously, there are economic problems, there’s inflation, but not really this feeling of crisis—and we’re facing potentially a decade of this kind of material gap. Is there the chance of a growing political drift between the continents, too?
AT: I completely agree with you, having traveled back and forth a fair amount in the last couple of months. You know, if you sit and watch Germany’s late-night political talk shows, these super sophisticated talk shows, they are entirely dominated by this issue—it’s every single night a rolling barrage of argument and a sense of panic.
I was rolling this around in my mind, trying to think of any parallels. I think you could point to the eurozone crisis, 2010 through 2015, where you also saw fairly serious divergence. But there’s a slight difference here in the sense the eurozone crisis was almost like an extension of a common crisis. It originated in a common problem.
And I think what makes the current situation so divisive is that this crisis puts Europe and the United States in structurally different positions. I mean, the Europeans are so much closer to the war and the Americans are so deeply involved on the military side. This creates a tension between the European and the American position with regard to the entire war. And more relevantly, it just exposes the huge difference between America as not just self-sufficient but as an energy exporter and Europe as a major energy importer. And I think what this does is to amplify the sense that one already had over the last couple of years, that as the energy transition and as climate politics begins to bite, the paths of Europe and the United States really begin quite fundamentally to diverge. I’ve even at points toyed with the idea that we’re going to need a kind of Euro-American détente to get over these fundamental and structural differences because at some point we have to stop pretending that we’re on the same path and recognize that these are fundamental and entrenched differences.
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Welc9mrntommy au from Padraig King ~ Focused Energy on Vimeo.
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What would you say is the most common problem you see each of the different dom functions encounter? (ex: Fe doms people pleasing, Ne doms being ungrounded, ect)
... and as a bonus question how would each of the two doms of that function have a different twist on that problem? (ex: ESFJ people pleasing being different from ENFJ people pleasing, ENTP being ungrounded differently from ENFP)
Thanks! Always love your insights! Can't wait to buy your book!
To be honest, almost all problems stem from dominant function > inferior function imbalances, where people rely so much on the former, they find it difficult to develop the latter (or have no vested interest in doing so, since they deem its skills irrelevant).
Things like ENPs struggling with details but also making no effort to learn from their mistakes or the past -- causing them to repeat the same mistakes multiple times without being able to retain the emotional resonances associated with that error and remember the situation accurately. INJs finding it 'enough' to dwell inside their mind without attaching themselves in a concrete way to the real world, thus losing touch with sensory reality (and often hurting themselves by being oblivious to their environment).
ESPs fail to think in long-term futuristic terms, and create no inner life that has any depth or complexity to it, because to dwell inside their mind is weird, uncomfortable, etc. ISJs have problems with Ne, in that they don't want to take anything on hypothesis alone, especially if it contradicts their own experiences -- so they doubt it, and fail to connect to a bigger worldview in the process. This sticks them in a "I failed once, I'll always fail" mindset at times.
Te-doms struggle to connect to Fi, and therefore don't have as richly rewarding of emotional connections as they could have, if they put aside expectations for their kids (ETJ - everyone should have my self-control and work ethic) and just listen to and get to know them on an inner level. ITPs shy away from building emotional connections to people, since they don't know how, and sabotaging themselves professionally in the process (people liking you > you get more done).
EFJs confuse humanitarian logic with detached logic, which means they don't question their own perceptions enough -- without any ability to question themselves, they won't realize how dependent they are on adapting to others and how they can neglect their own passions because they feel responsible to and for others. IFPs can get so caught up in Fi, they fail to develop Te -- not realizing that unless they can organize themselves, set goals, make decisions about how to best spend their time, etc., they can't bring their desires into active 'being' (or live out their dreams - ISFPs struggle with this less, since they can just use Se, but they are still confused about how to organize themselves successfully without over-thinking it).
Regarding differences beyond that -- intuitives get caught up in ideas and neglect details, so they almost always form unrealistic expectations for themselves and others. Sensors focus on what is tangible and present within the environment, making their guesses about what's happening under the surface not very accurate. Thinkers devalue emotions and don't understand others' feelings very well, causing them to trample them unintentionally. Feelers frame things in emotional terms, which means a thinker's terms can seem cold /callous at times.
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Okay… okay… there are a lot of things I like about “Eclipse Lake”, and I’m going to write down as many as I can:
Amity Blight, you truly are a goddess! Her abomination-bending here was phenomenal, especially with the fluid animation, her devotion to Luz, her courage and determination - she was just in top form this entire episode.
LUMITY LUMITY LUMITY! Seeing them be in a relationship is really adorable and satisfying. Although it’s natural that Amity wouldn’t feel completely secure in it yet. I love that in these last two episodes they’re going beyond blushing and stammering and showing in-depth what it means to be insecure in your love for someone. Luz unknowingly assuring her she doesn’t have to prove anything at the end is so sweet. “I’m so glad my awesome girlfriend is okay.” “Me too.”
Without the mask, Belos looks…. perfectly normal, besides that green streak; he’s soft-spoken too, even downright gentle. It emphaizes that most of the tyrants, criminals, abusers, etc. we view as ‘monsters’ are just normal people, because people can be monstrous. It’s a nice subversion after all that buildup. I’m glad we’re moving away from making immoral characters ugly or disfigured (unless you count the streak - what is that? Is it some kind of magic scar?). It’s his actions, words and tone that give him an air of intimidation and latent malice throughout his scene. Also, he’s gone to the human world? But isn’t human? Or is he human? His ears look kinda weird..
Delirious Luz. “Woah, it’s like I have snakes for arms!”
Ghost! She is the best palisman. I love her.
The Owl Beast is cooperating more with Eda and intelligent enough to bargain. What does it want? Revenge on the Collector? A goal from its past? Freedom? No, it’s just hungry.
More Phillip Whittebane and Titan lore.
Hunter is a Grimwalker?! We don’t know for sure, but between the distinctive eyes and profile in the book, Hunter’s lack of natural magic despite having witch biology otherwise, and the way Belos treats him like a tool and literal ingredient in his plans, it seems very likely. You know, if I had a penny for every time I watched a recent Disney cartoon with a teenage minor antagonist who despite being called the niece/nephew of an ambitious overarching villain, isn’t really cared for by them at all except as a means to an end; is a magical construct they created; and is kept in line with emotional and psychological abuse which makes them base their self-worth on how useful to the villain’s plans they are and judge others by the same metric; along with develop a jaded, cold exterior because they’ve internalized the villain’s teachings that loving or trusting anyone (barring their supposed aunt or uncle themselves, of course) will only lead to pain… I might just have two pennies! I know it isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it could happen twice. The first character is Lena De Spell from DuckTales (2017), who I won’t say any more about because I’ve spoiled enough already.
Gus, Willow and Hooty mixing calming human sounds/musical tracks and getting really into it while their soup boils over in the background. Good to see them finding joy in it, even though that definitely isn’t how you’re supposed to listen to them.
Kikimora increasingly losing her marbles, to the point she sabotages herself. What’s she so paranoid about? Why, the adolescent boy effortlessly tied up by a fellow adolescent.
Hunter bonding with his palisman!
The whole abuse theme with Amity and Hunter is heartbreaking. I think the part that hurt me the most is that Hunter and Amity herself (albeit briefly) believe Luz would threaten her girlfriend with punishment for failure. Firstly, Hunter knows enough of Luz that he should know better. He understands she took mercy on him, her enemy and a serious threat to her and her loved ones in the long run, and empathized with him when she didn’t need to treat him nearly so well. She even came to consider him a friend in mere hours, enough to be disappointed in him for doing exactly what he’d always done before. She’s blatantly a good person. Yet he casually decides she must be using coercion tactics on her romantic partner - it’s the only explanation. How else are you meant to get people to do things for you? Why else would people do them? And Amity believing him is even worse. She knows Luz very, very intimately. As the girl who after being hated and scorned over misunderstandings and Amity’s own pettiness, was quick to apologize and wanted nothing more than to connect with her. As her best friend who’s nonjudgmental and loyal and kind. As her “fearless champion” who stands up against injustice and cruelty. As someone with a lifetime’s experience in loneliness, feeling worthless and guilty, and rejection who chooses to try to prevent others sharing in any of that. She’s seen Luz angry and sad and stressed and betrayed, how she reacts to failure and disappointment. And all of this, all these months of learning to trust this wonderful human absolutely are just… forgotten once Hunter echoes the Rule her parents spent fourteen years carving into her soul: love is conditional. Love has a price. Tolerance has a price. You must justify every second of your existence, let alone your importance to someone. Fail in any way, and you will be disposable. That’s just… incredibly sad.
#the owl house#toh#toh season two#toh season 2#toh s2#toh s2 ep9#eclipse lake#toh eclipse lake#toh thoughts
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Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.
It’s absolutely no problem at all!! I don’t think I’ve been asked this before, but hey, I also have zero object permanence, so it keeps things fresh and new. And it’s interesting to see how my answers change over time! Lemme see, I think I’m going to go in reverse order, because I feel like then I’ll be doing the worst agonizing up front.
TGCF
Fifth favorite: YIN. YU. I know that he’s a minor character and him even making it onto the list is pretty solid performance, but I do feel guilty that he isn’t higher than this. He came out of nowhere in my first reading and punched me in the stomach with emotions. I find his sections so hard to read, and I was DEVASTATED when he died and BEYOND stoked to find out he was still alive in the extras. His story hurts so much! I am weak against characters who have relatively modest goals and still see them snatched away (see also: my next entry) and have to struggle on. I wish wish wish I had a way to see more of how he made his peace with things after being thrown out of heaven, and the nature of the (distant) relationship with Hua Cheng and what happens with Quan Yizhen now that he died in his arms, and still came back anyways, my god!
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Fourth favorite: He Xuannnnnn. I have a hard time articulating particulars, but. I love him a lot. I love a character with a grudge, with a deep, painful grudge, where the grudge is hurting him almost as much as it’s hurting the people around him, and setting the grudge aside would also hurt, and then what has any of this been for-- I've used this metaphor for other characters, but I don’t care if I’m overusing it, because I love it. He feels like a character caught in a thorn bush, where simply being there... hurts, but trying to escape or move in any ways is going to hurt worse, and there’s no path forward that doesn’t involve pain. And like... I don’t love the way he hurt Shi Qingxuan (who didn’t quite make this list adfasgdafsd I’M SORRY) but I wouldn’t have liked to see him swallow back down all that pain and set aside everything that happened to his family and fiancee either! I’m always, always soft for characters who have no good path forward and who grit their teeth and set out anyways.
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Third favorite: MU QING!!!!!!!!!! I have done... extensive screaming about him. And I love him veryvery much. I can already tell that this list is going to have a lot of mean boys on it, and like... no regrets. Especially since this is one of my FAVORITE flavors, an unapologetic mean boy who is rarely (but sometimes!) soft for the people around him, and who regularly tries to do decently by people, but who consistently gets shat upon and misunderstood and accused of acting in bad faith. I screamed when he and Xie Lian finally got to talk their friendship out in the book. I also screamed when I realized how immediately after Xie Lian’s return he started looking out for him again, and how sincerely, despite his horrible attitude about it. I still want to write more fic for him so badly. I love him so much.
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Second favorite: Xie Lian! What a good boy! The best boy! He’s so sweet and gentle, but also the best fightboy this world has ever seen, and also so gently snarky with the people he loves! I just... really love me some traumatized characters who have trouble recognizing that they can be Loved, and I’m not going to write this whole essay right now, but I think in some ways, he’s the most... passive about his romance, out of all the leads? Shen Qingqiu is aggressively oblivious, but Xie Lian kind of gently shrugs off the idea that he might be Hua Cheng’s special someone, until he finally gets hit with the cluestick. I generally shy away from the idea of a character “earning” love, but he’s maybe the mxtx character who moves me most with ‘you deserve to be loved’
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Most favorite: Hua Cheng. HUA CHENG. Oh my god, gotta love this boy. Gotta love this devotion. I love a mean boy who is soft for one person, and he EMBODIES it. I mean, I love Shen Jiu, but he barely manages to do the soft thing at all, while Hua Cheng is over here like ‘if I could only be the stone beneath your feet--’ It’s hard to talk about him separately from Xie Lian, because they’re a unit in my head more than just about any other characters on this list are. I don’t want to get this list to get out of control, so I’m not going to scream for too long, but... I could just watch him go forever. I want to write him forever, and that’s a huge aspect of what draws me to some characters.
MDZS
Oh god, I think I lied, I think this book is going to be hardest. Making these choices is AGONIZING.
Fifth favorite: .....Lan Wangji. Oh god, I feel bad about how low he is. But this story is just packed SO full of wonderful characters, and I’m already consumed with guilt over all the characters who aren’t going to make it. I don’t love them less! But my love for characters in this particular story is very evenly distributed. And I think that Wang Yibo’s acting is possibly scoring points with me that the book might not have earned all by itself. Microexpressions and subtle body language add SO MUCH to a character with such flat affect, and I would be drawn to such a closed-off character anyways, but it really helps. And I love, like... the combined subtlety and intensity of his relationships. It’s not that subtle once you know what to look for, and the brother/sworn brother network makes for varying degrees of how much other characters understand of the things he chooses not to explicitly express, and it gives a really interesting character to the way he interacts with the people around him. Also, love me a man with intense separation anxiety.
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Fourth favorite: Jiang Yanli? I think it has to be Jiang Yanli, but these rankings are hard. So. I just talked about how much I enjoy the flat affect and closed off nature of Lan Wangji? Well, guess what, I also love it when m’girl is just very GENUINELY AND OPENLY an absolute sweetheart of a person, and I love the contrast between her genuinely kind nature and the uncomfortable pressure that her family’s dynamics put on her to start parenting at a very young age. It’s not necessarily a happy situation, but she adores her brothers so much and they adore her so much! And it’s... a very understated element of the story, but after her parents died, her baby brothers went off to war, and one wreaked havoc as a straightforward commander and one of them disappeared for months and returned as a creepy-ass zombie puppeteer. And she STILL dotes on them like before, despite knowing what they’re capable of. Like, yes, Wei Wuxian just raised an army of corpses and forced a man to eat himself, but I shall still boop him on the nose and feed him Soup. How can I not adore energy like that?
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Third favorite: Wei Wuxian, I think. I do adore him a lot. He gives me some of the same vibes that make me ache most with Xie Lian, where he is trying his best, and is struggling to hold on in the face of lots of suffering, and I find it really interesting that when the suffering peaked, Xie Lian was forced go on because he couldn’t die, while Wei Wuxian... expired. That line about ‘he thought that no matter how large the world was, there was still no place for him’ always sticks with me, and hurts me deeply. Xie Lian had most of his personal attachments stripped away, and was left to wander on his own, while Wei Wuxian still had a number of strong connections left, but abruptly exited life. And that informs their respective trauma so interestingly! The way Wei Wuxian bounces between high energy chaos and drained exhaustion is really fascinating to me, and was the thread that held me attached to the book through a very confusing beginning. And I’m still very drawn to how intensely he loves, whether it’s Xiao Zhan’s fantastic acting, or it’s him busting out with how much he wants Lan Wangji in the middle of the Guanyin Temple scene. He’s a fantastic character, honestly, I don’t think such a convoluted book would have held together very well without a protagonist this strong.
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Second favorite: Xue Yang :X Look, he’s a good boy and I love him. Who among us hasn’t done a few mass murders that we are completely unrepentant about, but that we would really like to keep hidden from our current boyfriend, actually? Anyways, as always, love me an angry boy who makes terrible decisions for understandable reasons. And I do love a character who is consumed by agonized ragrets (see my next entry), but I DO also love me a character who has no regrets at all and doesn’t even have much interest in trying to justify himself to anyone else around him. Just look at that confidence! Look at him go!!
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Most favorite: Jiang... Cheng....... I knew he and Xue Yang were going to be at the top, but those were the only parts of this list that were easy. I mean. Love a self-sabotaging angryboy who is also super super sad and keeps hurting himself in his own confusion. And while I love the romantic thread in all of the mxtx books, the agonized family thread in mdzs is one of my favorite parts, and something that I don’t really see echoed in any of the other stories. I need ten million jc+wwx reconciliations, at LEAST. He’s so sad! And so angry! And I want to see him becoming less of that thing, and for Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian to demonstrate very firmly how much they love him, because they do. I am invested in his happiness in a way that goes far and beyond any of the other non-main characters, haha
SVSSS
Fifth favorite: Tianlang-jun. I think? Oh god, but moshang. THIS IS REALLY HARD, I HATE THIS ;-; But especially since writing my fic, Tianlang-jun has really won me over. And like, he already hurt me good in the novel, just thinking about how he was an innocent young guy, just! Trying to have a girlfriend! And instead got trapped in sensory deprivation, body-rotting-hell for twenty years, when he didn’t do anything wrong!!! He suffered, so much! And I live for his intensely strained relationship with Luo Binghe, because it’s! Perfectly understandable and painful, from both of their perspectives! And he wants to hate humans so badly, but in the end, when he’s told that Su Xiyan never betrayed him, he starts helplessly asking the people around him, ‘really? is it really true?’ and then in the end he loses the only family member he has left who cares about him, and it’s just! Everything is terrible! I have a su xiyan au brewing in my head because I can’t stand it! Someone just give this man a loving partner!!!
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Fourth favorite: Shen Qingqiu. But... moshang??? Goddammit. Anyways, this dumbass. I find him so endearing, in his dumbassery. I sometimes get a bit frustrated with Wei Wuxian for being oblivious, and Shen Qingqiu is just asking for me to react the same way, but I... don’t, for the most part? Because he thinks he has good information, and he’s slow to react to a changing playing field, and I still haven’t read another transmigration novel that strikes the same balance of hypercompetence and intense incompetence :ppp It’s a funny book, and he’s a funny character! And I really vibe with him, in most parts of the story, which covers a pretty darn wide emotional spectrum. Plus, the running internal commentary is choice.
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Third favorite: Liu Qingge. Look, I’m a woman of simple needs, and sometimes I just need a high-quality fightboy who clearly cares deeply and is absolute garbage at expressing his emotions. I can’t articulate it much better than that. I absolutely howl at the succubus extra, when Shen Qingqiu is talking to Madam Meiyin about his future partner, and Liu Qingge is like ‘oh my god, sHE IS CLEARLY DESCRIBING ME’ and Shen Qingqiu is like ‘haha, liu-shidi, i thought you thought this was stuupidddddddd’. They’re both so dumb. I love them so much. But stupidity plus war god fighting energy has a narrow lead over stupidity and internal commentary track.
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Second favorite: SHEN JIU. GOD. I’m still arguing with myself over whether he should go first, but Luo Binghe hurts me consistently through the whole entire story, so I think he wins. Shen Jiu just stabs me in the heart at strategic moments. This is it. My ideal mean boy who is soft for one (1) person, and who BOTH does unconscionable things for terrible reasons (someone just. give him a pile of girls to teach, it will be much more pleasant for everyone involved), and who ALSO gets blamed for things he didn’t do even when he tries to act in good faith. It is the best of all painful worlds. And even at the end, when he has a powerful person who wants desperately to protect him, he still tries his hardest to shove that person away, to keep him safe. I’ve got like four aus where he gets to live. I’m so invested in this character, I love him so much.
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Most favorite: Luo Binghe. He was.... made for me............ Like, the overwhelming amounts of childhood angst were baked in by Shang Qinghua, but the in-story pain and suffering is PRECISELY my jam. I love a character with separation anxiety! I love a character with massive anxieties over being unwanted! Over nobody ever, EVER just choosing him! I love a character struggling with the idea that the person he loves most in the world thinks that he’s intrinsically Disgusting! I love the kind of stubborn determination that leads him to preserve a corpse for five years, desperately hoping for a way to revive it, constantly cooking fresh food, in case, in case he someday wakes up. The way Hua Cheng loves is overpowering, but he’s had time to like... learn to be mellow when he needs to be. Luo Binghe doesn’t have a chill bone in his body, and if he’s acting chill, it’s probably because he’s done some mental math and decided that being more clingy right now will probably get him pushed away harder. I love the combination of manipulative tendencies and a very, very genuine fear of rejection and being unwanted. There is nothing I don’t love about Luo Binghe, including his worst decisions. I love him so so much.
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Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.
Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:
✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨
MDZS/CQL
1. Wei Wuxian
Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation
2. Wen Qing
On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!
3. Jiang Yanli
The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind
She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all
4. Jiang Cheng
Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.
5. Lan Wangji
I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future
yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically
TGCF
1. Xie Lian
suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO
2. Hua Cheng
of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge
3. Jun Wu
Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.
4. He Xuan
I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h
5. Mu Qing
Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster
SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂
#long post#asked & answered#lol sorry this is so long and incoherent#the truth is that I really love these stories and their casts#and I think it’s v hard to extricate the characters from the cast#because they are so deftly and beautifully interwoven#but here are the characters I think are my favorites lol#loosely in order#tgcf spoilers#also this is why I prefer tgcf to mdzs tbh?#jgy is intellectually interesting to me and a good antagonist#but not personally compelling in the way jw is
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The way... that Fate/Zero approaches the topic of pain and trauma and suffering is so ....
Apologies if this comes off as pretentious I have to try to write my thoughts down
The reason why the Joker was funny to me for the first half before my blood pressure started raising was because they were hitting the nail on the head far too much by insisting that all of it was because of untreated mental illness. With a shot of the Joker circling “mental illness” on a notepad full of his other ramblings, with a shot of a sign that says “Smile/be happy” or whatever, with the juxtaposition of his job as a clown but his own mental illness issues being just hammered into you (But doctor, I am Pagliacci!). It was too much. It was too on the head, not subtle at all, and such an inaccurate, like... self-centered narrative of mental illness that it was hilarious. The kind of ideology that purveys people to be unable to recover from mental illness at all and they’re just “like that” and you don’t have to do anything to try to make your situation better.
It’s absolutely absurd, and absurdity is funny.
Fate/Zero has the same thing going on. We see firsthand how Kiritsugu has a history of trauma and pain and mental illness going on but he does absolutely NOTHING to try to change it (and Irisviel, unfortunately, supports him not changing it because she doesn’t KNOW anything other than the ideology he’s taught her). Kiritsugu is so deep in his self-centered narrative of needing to kill all the bad guys so all the good guys can survive (a very black and white view of the world) and that the greater good is what matters the most (again very un-nuanced) but in the setting of Fate/Zero we see him actively think about running away and then get convinced not to by a woman who he taught himself to reinforce his bad ideology. That’s the healthiest thought he had had before digging his heels in again. And time and time again we see how he fucks up his relationship with Saber because he has such a hang up over her being King at all that he refuses to try to talk to her or explain anything or even just express himself or his feelings to her and it’s just him self-sabotaging and saying “well it has to be like this” over and over again even though he’s aware there’s a way out. The absurdity of his choice of actions is funny.
Kariya doesn’t have the exact same narrative, but it’s similar - his goal is actually noble, it’s a great goal, but his insistence in doing it in the way his family has going on rather than trying to subvert it at all and also hyperfocusing on saving Aoi and Rin as well instead of just Sakura has narrowed his point of view to a sliver of what he was previously capable of. His affection towards Aoi becomes an obsession where he refuses to think of her point of view or feelings, and the worms are likely to blame for that since he isn’t of a good state of mind for like NINETY PERCENT of the novel. But again it’s just so hammered with him being hit from all angles constantly that it can’t be read as tragedy anymore, like, ... you are full of fucking worms and they’re making you insane. His case becomes so absurd that it’s funny.
Kirei is already absurd in the first place. We don’t really get the bit of information that elaborates on why he’s unable to experience happiness in F/Z, but you can understand later if you look into it that he’s a child soldier, an Executor for the Church at a young age, and so his brain is rewired effectively for him to be unable to process joy/rewards as anything other than Others’ Pain. He has no fucking idea that this is because he’s been an Executor for the church or that he has mental illness at all. He literally simply believes he’s built this way. And as we’ve said before he has a totally inappropriate, misunderstood parasocial relationship to Kiritsugu where he believes Kiritsugu’s pain and emptiness is the same as his own, and Kiritsugu is terrified of Kirei, and yet Kirei seeks him out as though he wants to sit down and have a drink with him to talk but the only way they can meet each other is if they were going to kill each other. and all Kirei Actually wants to do is talk and understand Kiritsugu emotionally. it’s. Beyond insane. It’s absurd. It doesn’t make any sense. And so his obsession becomes funny.
What happens to Saber isn’t really very funny if only because she really is a victim of her own circumstances. It is absurd what is happening to her, though. Being told she’s not a real King despite all of the suffering she’s gone through. Being ignored by her master and used like a tool despite her having a better grasp of the situation strategically. Having a bond with her master’s wife more mutually fulfilling than he does. Being told by Gilgamesh that she’s going to become his wife and then being shot at with weapons when she says ‘no’. This is the case where it’s not her fault that this is happening, but the fact that it’s happening at all makes it so absurd that someone’s response may be to laugh and say “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??? BRO WTF IS SOMETHING GOING ON WHY DO I DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT WHAT DID I EVEN DOOOO” so to speak (lol).
And then amongst Fate Zero you literally have a coming of age story where Waver is growing up and learning to have more self-esteem and then crying and being traumatized but being emotionally supported through his trauma and the juxtaposition of his story, which is fruitful, to the sheer repeat-tragedies and chosen self-serving idiocy of almost the rest of the entire cast.... Again... the absurd becomes hilarious. “One foot in the darkness, and the other foot in a hello kitty roller skate”.
So when I say “Fate Zero is a comedy” or it’s a gay art house series or whatever, what I mean is this: the framing of the series as an intense-straight-man-pain-trauma-suffering-fest compared with the course of the characters’ actions being presented as ‘what had to be done’ despite the very real options they could’ve taken to avoid, like, anything that had happened if they had simply tried to improve themselves or the situation at hand at all, creates a sense of absurdity and disbelief strong enough that you can’t help but laugh at it all and laugh at how obnoxiously stupid the cast is for chosing to dig their heels in, and the writer, Urobuchi, for expecting us to take this seriously in the narrow lense he wants us to read and interpret it in. I realize the previous sentence is kind of a run on but I hope my ideas can be understood from it.
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You Belong With Me - Chapter 33
AO3 | First | Previous | Next | Masterpost
Description: Much to his surprise, after being released from prison for a crime he didn’t commit, Logan has been appointed as a the prince’s new advisor.
Word Count: 5303
Chapter Warnings: Combat, Restraints, Minor Anger and Angst (Let me know if I need to add anything!)
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“Focus.”
“I am trying, Vee.” Logan muttered, rubbing at his wrist as Virgil's tight grip released from his forearm.
“I can tell when your head is somewhere else, L." Virgil chided him softly. He gently massaged his temples in an attempt to prevent the headache he could feel building behind his eyes. “I know you've got a lot on your mind, and I'm not trying to downplay what you’re feeling, but this is still happening. Remus is still free—”
“I know it's important, Virgil.” Logan whispered, glancing down at the ground. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he turned back to Virgil. “I'm focused.”
Virgil hesitated, heart dropping at the detached look in Logan's eyes. He relaxed his posture, feeling guilt twist in his stomach as he watched his friend step forward despondently. “I’m sorry. If I didn’t think this was necessary, I wouldn’t—"
“No. You’re right, Vee. You’re doing me a favor teaching me the skills and I owe you my full attention.” Logan muttered as he bowed his head apologetically. “Let's go again.”
Virgil watched Logan cautiously as he stepped forward. He eyed his fried closely before relenting and giving Logan a quick nod as he dropped into a balanced stance. “Remember, roll your wrist towards my thumb. A person’s grip is only as strong as its weakest point so use that to your advantage.”
Logan took a slow breath and nodded as he raised his hands up into a defensive position. Carefully, he tracked Virgil’s movements as his friend circled around his far side. He flinched instinctively as Virgil lunged for his wrist, heart pounding in his chest as Virgil’s hand curled tightly around his arm. Suddenly focused, Logan twisted his forearm toward himself, breaking Virgil’s grip. With careful precision, he used Virgil’s brief moment of shock to leverage his friend’s own momentum to send him flying forward.
“Damn, L.” Virgil smirked proudly as he stopped himself from stumbling . “It almost seems like you were actually listening when I was lecturing you.”
A tired smile spread across Logan's face as pride fluttered in his chest at Virgil’s praise. “It would appear that I am retaining at least part of your lessons.”
Virgil tipped his head to Logan with an earnest smile. “You learn quickly, L. I can’t take all the credit.”
“Thank you, Vee.” Warmth flooded Logan’s chest at the simple compliment and he felt himself relax slightly. “I’m not sure how effective I would be against an actual enemy, but I'm grateful to know I'm improving.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, L.” Virgil clapped a hand around Logan’s shoulder, jostling him playfully. “Most of the goons who Remus associates with aren’t well-trained. They’re all brawn with not much going on up top.”
Logan chuckled as Virgil squeezed his shoulder as gestured absurdly. Despite his mind's attempts at self-sabotage, he could feel himself easing into Virgil’s familiarity.
Virgil paused, smiling as his friend’s rigid posture eased. “Besides, the point is not for you to actually fight anyone. These tricks I'm showing you are purely self-defense. Your only goal in a fight should be to break loose and get away.”
“Right,” Logan paused thoughtfully, leaning against the wall as he cautiously tilted his head up to meet Virgil’s gaze. He tapped his fingers anxiously on his arm. “Would you ever consider teaching me more?”
“What do you mean?” Virgil tilted his head curiously as he watched Logan dipped his head nervously.
“Basic combat. Beyond simple self-defense, I mean.” Logan lifted his gaze timidly at Virgil. “I know I'm already asking a lot, but I —"
“I'll teach you whatever you’re willing to learn, Logan.” Virgil replied without hesitation. “I don't mind. All you have to do is ask. Okay?”
Logan blinked in surprise and his chest suddenly warmed with gratitude at Virgil’s willingness to guide him. “Thank you.”
“Of course, L.” Virgil smirked. “Though, if you’re serious about learning to fight, we should probably get permission for me to teach you. My place is alright for teaching you how to break someone’s grip, but if I start tossing you around the place, someone will eventually get suspicious.”
Logan smiled faintly as he stepped up to Virgil once more. “Do you think the king would allow you teach me?”
“Almost certainly. The only reason I didn’t ask for these lessons is the process is pretty extensive and time consuming,” Virgil rolled his eyes at the bureaucracy as he leaned back into a balanced stance. “but as long as I'm not teaching you how to assassinate your choice of political figures, I'm sure that Thomas won't mind if I teach you some basic combat.”
Logan's smile faltered as the king’s name now sounded heavy in his mind. He stared absently at the ground for a moment, lost in thought for a moment, before he realized Virgil was waiting for him to speak. His eyes flicked to Virgil, suddenly feeling guilty as his friend seemed concerned about his change in demeanor.
“What is it, L?” Virgil straightened up, abandoning their training as he stepped forward to reassure Logan.
“I just realized—the king must know about what Roman told me—” Logan paused, watching nervously as Virgil’s expression dropped. “He has to kn—”
“I know.” Virgil interrupted shortly.
Logan's heart dropped as Virgil’s shoulders dropped. His stomach twisted with guilt as he resisted the urge to apologize. “I didn’t mean to bring it up—”
“It's okay.” Virgil tipped his head up and Logan couldn’t help, but stare. Despite the kindness Virgil directed towards him, a sense of bitter disappointment hung in the air around Virgil. “I know I'm the only one around for you to bounce your thoughts off and I don’t mind being that for you.
“Still,” Logan smiled weakly. “I know—I know it's hard for you to be here with me, instead of—”
“L, that’s not true—”
“Of course it is, Vee. You’re his best friend, and everything you heard has come through me.” Logan shrugged nonchalantly, smiling in understanding as Virgil glanced up at him guiltily. “I don't want you to misunderstand. I’m endlessly appreciative of what you’ve given up to be here, but I'm certain that you wish that you had at least gotten to talk to Roman before ending up here with me.”
“I'll get my chance to talk to him, Logan. Roman's not going anywhere.” Virgil muttered, rolling his shoulders forward as he leaned back on the wall behind him. “After everything you had to hear about your kin, you deserve your space until you’re ready. I promise my questions can wait.”
“Perhaps,” Logan breathed a quiet sigh as Virgil turned his head up to him. He smiled patiently at Virgil. “ but I am willing to listen if it would benefit you to process your thoughts out loud.”
Virgil shifted his weight uncomfortably, looking out the window. “I don't want to speak ill of them, L. Thomas and Roman have given me so much. I can't repay that gift by doubting them.”
“I haven’t known Roman for as long as you, but I think I've seen enough to know he doesn’t value blind loyalty,” Logan whispered patiently. “and given what I've seen of Thomas’ encouragement of your boldness, I can only assume he is much the same as Roman.”
“I know, but I don't want to make a judgment before I hear their side of the story.” Virgil let loose a disappointed sigh before looking up at Logan seriously. “He knows. I know there’s no way he doesn’t know everything that Roman knows and more, but it’s Thomas, Logan. There has to be an explanation. There just has to be.”
A smile quirked on Logan’s lips as he listened to Virgil earnestly defend the king. His friends’ loyalty was admirable, and Logan could only hope they were founded in truth. Unfortunately, it would seem his doubt of the king’s true intentions was resistant to leave his own mind. “I wish I could share your confidence, Virgil.”
“You've barely even been introduced to the king, L. No one will blame you for being cautious with him,” Virgil let out a long drawn out sigh before looking up at Logan. “especially since I'm sure you haven’t forgotten that Thomas was responsible for your extended stay in the dungeons—”
Logan flushed with guilt as Virgil picked out the thought lingering in the back of his mind he hadn’t dared bring up. Immediately, he dropped his gaze to the ground. “He was only trying to make sure Roman recovered—”
“Roman was well enough to order your release.” Virgil muttered bitterly. “It doesn’t matter how you spin the situation. There’s no getting around the fact that you lost days of your freedom to Thomas’ decision. Days spent with Remus who was tort—”
“He didn't know what was happening to me, Virgil.” Logan whispered quietly, suddenly overwhelmed by the amount of emotion radiating off of Virgil.
Virgil paused, taken aback by Logan's soft response. He took a moment to pull himself back and soften his voice. “Look, I trust Thomas with my life. He has always gone out of his well to treat me well, but it was his responsibility to make sure you were safe in the dungeons. You don't have to make excuses for him.”
Logan smiled faintly, touched by Virgil’s validation of his doubts. He glanced up at his friend appreciatively.
“It makes sense you need a little more convincing to believe that Thomas will pull through for you.” Virgil smiled, stepping forward to rest his hands on Logan’s shoulders.
A sad smile curled on Logan’s lips as he took a deep breath. “I want to believe he's a good person, Virgil.”
“Just give him the chance to prove it to you, Logan.” Virgil whispered. “Listen, let's just get back to your training for now. We don’t have to do this now.”
Logan nodded as he hesitantly stepped out into the open space of the room. He let his arms drop to his side, forcing himself to relax as he tried to shift his attention back to Virgil’s lesson. Much to his dismay, Virgil didn't seem content with his reluctance to leave the topic.
“Seriously, L.” Virgil gestured for him to step out further into the room as he ducked down behind his sofa, kneeling down as he reached underneath. “What's going put this to rest in your head so you can focus?”
Logan bit his lip, trying to keep his voice neutral. “Why is it that my questions keep circling back to whether Roman is a good person, Vee?”
“Because you’re involved with him.” Virgil grunted simply. “You spent a night in his bed and now you’re questioning if that was the right move.”
Logan's heart jumped in his chest at Virgil’s implication and he held his hand up in protest. “Wait, Vee. We didn't—”
“It doesn’t really matter what you did or didn't do, Logan.” Virgil cut him off abruptly with a smirk. “It's obvious enough that you care for him in a different way than you do Patton or myself. Perhaps you even think you love him.”
“I—” Logan swallowed nervously and watched as Virgil’s head appeared over the edge of the cushions, followed shortly by the familiar black case of practice locks. He paused as Virgil’s gaze locked onto him. “Perhaps, there is a shred of truth to your statement.”
Virgil stared at him for a brief moment before turning down to pop open the case. “He's my best friend and you’re the only guy I'm going to give a pass on the lecture about what will happen if you hurt him.”
Logan tipped his head up nervously at the end of Virgil’s statement, surprised by the easy-going smile on Virgil’s face. A subtle wave of relief washed over him at Virgil’s approval.
“I think you’re good for him, and I have to admit I’m hoping you find it in you to forgive him—” Virgil sighed and Logan heard the light sounds of jangling metal as he snapped the box closed. He paused, looking at Logan before he dropping his gaze apologetically as he gently set the case back on the ground. “I’m sorry, L. I shouldn’t try to influence your decision. Whatever you decide, I’m on your side.”
“There are no sides, Virgil." Logan whispered watching Virgil’s hands as he approached. “Roman and I are at a point of mutual understanding.”
“Is that why you haven’t talked to him in two days?” A small smirk twitched at the corner of Virgil’s lips as he shyly tipped his head up at Logan.
Logan stared at shackles in Virgil’s hand as he let out a slow exhale. He rolled his eyes at Virgil. “My reasons for lack of contact with Roman are purely a matter of processing the new information he’s presented to me. I know—” Logan smiled fondly as his gaze drifted to the ground. “I know he cares for me in particular, and I obviously feel strongly about him—” Logan leaned against the wall behind him. “—but this has to about more than his feelings for me.”
“He just needed the chance to really see the damage that the Fair Folk have endured.” Virgil said softly. “He's not the type to abide seeing anyone get hurt.”
“I know, Vee.” Logan whispered with a faint smile.
“You'll at least give him a chance to make things right.” Virgil muttered, fiddling with the metal shackles in his hands as he approached Logan. “Won't you?”
He crossed his arms, staring down at the ground as he considered Virgil’s words. After a long moment, he let out a breath and nodded his head. “I've only known him for a few short weeks, but in that time, I've come to care a lot for him, Virgil. It was never in the cards for me to simply walk out on him.”
Virgil smirked as he tipped his eyes up to Logan. “I'm glad to hear it, L.”
Logan smiled fondly for a moment, before nodding down at the cuffs in Virgil’s hands. “Now, will you tell me why you have those?”
“Don't worry, L. They’re not going on you,” Virgil smirked as he unlatched the metal shackles, allowing Logan to change the subject. “but I definitely shouldn’t be teaching you this, so maybe there is a bright side that you can't accidentally let this slip to princey.”
Logan let his arms drop to his side as he stepped forward cautiously. “What is this skill you intend teach me?”
“I'm going to teach you how to restrain someone,” Virgil whispered. His voice suddenly held an edge as he switched into his training headspace. “but I need you to take this seriously, L. This isn't a skill I take lightly. I'm teaching this because I want you to be able to defend yourself, but if you use this in any other situation, I'll arrest you myself. Got it?”
Logan bit his lip as he nodded back at Virgil. “I wouldn’t hurt an innocent person, Virgil.”
“That's not your call to make, Logan.” Virgil stared at him without blinking. “You don't get to play judge and jury on someone else’s life. You either believe you’re in danger or you don't.”
Logan blinked, thinking for a moment before giving another solemn nod. “You are only teaching me to restrain someone. Correct?”
“Yes, but things go wrong.” Virgil eyes darkened. “You need to be observant and pay attention to everything, because if you don't have control of the situation, someone could get hurt. You could get hurt.”
“I understand—”
“No, you don't.” Virgil scolded him gently. “If you miss that your enemy has a knife, you could die.”
“I—”
“If you miss that they have a spare key on their person, you could die.”
“Virgil—"
“Which is why you can never do this if Remus is the one holding you.” Virgil finished sharply. He stared down at Logan, waiting for a response.
Logan looked up at him with a tired look in his eyes. “Because I wouldn’t be in control?”
“Remus has been training for combat as long as Roman. He's at least as competent as I am, L. You can’t surprise him. You'll only end up getting hurt,” Virgil dropped his gaze, continuing his lecture as he stepped away from Logan toward his desk. “but Remus has a number of people under his control for which this would be an effective defense. Not to mention, if that bastard in the dungeons ever gets free, this would especially useful for dealing with him.”
“Why?” Logan watched Virgil closely as he set the key aside on the desk and stepped back to Logan.
“Almost every set of shackles you’ll find in this area is going to be made primarily of iron, which negates fae's abilities. No doubt that's why your powers never triggered while Remus held you,” Virgil held out his hand, gesturing for Logan to give reach his hand out to him. “and that's also why Thomas has that bastard in the dungeons chained on every limb. He doesn’t have access to his power and that makes him nearly harmless.
“Dee.” Logan tensed at the memory of how Dee had been treated in the dungeons. The memory sent disgust creeping down his spine as considered how his own treatment had differed when he'd been considered human.
“What?”
“His name is Dee.” Logan muttered as he reluctantly extended his hand out to Virgil.
“Listen, L. I get you’re feeling guilty for where this guy ended up, but you can't blame me for not warming up to the guy that kidnapped and hurt three of my friends. Good intentions don’t change that fact.”
“I don’t think he's a bad person, Virgil.” Logan whispered quietly.
“Good people don’t hurt people—”
“Did you not just spend a considerable amount of time convincing me that I should forgive Roman?” Logan stared up at Virgil, ignoring the edge that crept into his tone.
“Roman never intended to hurt anyone—”
“And yet, arguably, his actions hurt more people.”
There was a small pause before Virgil rolled his eyes and gently took Logan's wrist into his hand. He took a breath and seemed to calm as he met Logan’s gaze. “First things first, L. Patience is key. Your greatest advantage is the element of surprise. No one expects you to fight, so unless you’re worried about getting hurt immediately, you should take your time to plan your escape since you might not get a second chance.”
Logan nodded solemnly, skin prickling with anticipation as Virgil’s fingers curled around his wrist.
“Before you ever attempt to escape, you should know the location of any keys to your binds.” Virgil spoke quietly as he watched to make sure Logan was listening. “Always assume there is a spare. No one really thinks about it, but it's rare for there to be only one key.”
Logan nodded, watching Virgil stiffly.
“Don’t act if you’re outnumbered and make sure you know where you’re escaping. It doesn't do a lot of good to get away, if you end up dying of exposure.” Virgil waited for Logan to nod his affirmation before turning his eyes down to Logan’s wrist in his hand. “The wrist is a weak point in the body. The range of motion of the joint makes it particularly easy to break, which means our body will react instinctively to protect it with only the slightest application of pressure.”
Logan gasped as Virgil twisted his wrist around his back. He stumbled but quickly righted himself. He froze, suddenly aware of how each movement seemed to cause the pressure on his wrist to increase.
“Once you’re in control, you need to leverage your opponent’s weak points.” Virgil whispered patiently. “You’re not particularly strong—”
“Thanks for the observat—” Logan’s voice was reduced to a wispy breath as Virgil twisted his wrist up further.
“—but you don't need to be stronger when you only need the slightest movements to maintain control.” Virgil raised his leg and brought it down gently on the back of Logan’s knee. Logan’s legs immediately buckled underneath him and he grumbled his discontent as he found himself kneeling in front of Virgil. His friend put a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him forward. “On the ground, L.”
“I think you've proven your point—” Logan’s statement turned to a groan as Virgil pushed his wrist further up his back.
“Now.” Virgil commanded gently.
Virgil chuckled as Logan let out a dramatic sigh and allowed Virgil to lower him to the ground. Logan groaned as Virgil shifted his shin onto Logan’s back, pinning Logan to the ground. He felt Virgil reach for his other wrist, curling it around his back. Logan let his face rest on the ground, growling as he realized Virgil had pinned him to the ground with his hands between his back in only a few short movements.
“Any system has it's weak points where it bends, L. I know it feels hopeless right now, but we can make some real change for the Fair Folk,” Virgil stated plainly. “but we can't do that if we give up on our allies.”
“I haven’t given up on Roman, Virgil.” Logan muttered bitterly into the ground.
“I'm not talking about Roman, L.” Virgil whispered as he released Logan’s wrists and allowed him to roll onto his back. He waited patiently for Logan to right himself before offering him a hand up. “The Fair Folk need a voice in the changes that need to happen, and despite my reservations about this guy, he at least has the support of fae courts which would be a good place to start negotiations."
“What do you mean?” Logan asked curiously as Virgil pulled him to his feet.
“The courts of the Fair Folk are not like ours. There’s no trial. The court simply makes a decision and issues a punishment. Their decisions are swift and indisputable.” Virgil shrugged nonchalantly as he brushed the dirt off of Logan’s back. “Quite honestly, I was surprised when the fae hadn't plucked him from his cell that first night. The fact that he survived the night means one thing. He must have the support either the Seelie or Unseelie courts. If he didn't, he’d be dead for risking war with the human kingdom.”
“I think he has support of both courts.”
“What?!”
Logan looked up abruptly at Virgil’s sudden change in tone. He blinked, suddenly concerned by the distraught look on Virgil’s face as he leaned away. “He said that my existence had united the Seelie and Unseelie courts into action—”
“Are you sure that’s what he said?” Virgil let out a long sigh, closing his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“That is what Dee claimed but I don’t understand, Virgil.” Logan stepped forward. “What does that even mean?”
“Hopefully, it means he's a lying piece of—” Virgil snarled. Nervousness seemed to be creeping into his voice until Logan cut him off with a hand on his shoulder.
“Vee—"
“L, if that's true—” Virgil tugged on the end of his hair anxiously. “—this just got a lot more serious. I'd heard rumors, but Rem—I would have thought he'd have told me.”
“Virgil, please.”
Virgil looked up in surprise as Logan took a step closer, resting a hand on his shoulder.
“Please, tell me why this is relevant to what is happening.” Logan held his friend’s shoulder tightly. “What are the Seelie and Unseelie courts?”
Virgil hesitated briefly before forcing his shoulders to relax as he turned his head to Logan. “They’re the groups of Fair Folk that govern the others, L. Like our monarchy, but they have two families that rule over the rest of the fae. The Seelie court governs what we would think of as light fae. Sunshine, flowers, unicorns—anything you’d consider light and good is governed by the Seelie—”
“Unicorns aren’t real—” Logan’s plain statement was abruptly stopped as Virgil glared at him.
“I was embellishing, Logan.”
Logan smiled shyly as he recognized his missed social cue. “Your exaggeration is noted. Please, continue your explanation.”
Virgil stared at him for a moment before sighing and continuing. “The Unseelie court is the opposite. They are everything that's dark in this world. They govern the shadows, the fog and everything in between that goes bump in the night."
“That distinction seems entirely arbitrary. ” Logan started cautiously. “Why are they even separate?”
“For balance, L. They both have immeasurable power, but the power is never absolute.” Virgil tossed the shackles to Logan as he stepped back, pausing as Logan fumbled to catch them. “Each court has different values that play on their own strengths and keep the other side in check.”
“Fascinating.” Logan murmured as he looked down. “So, the fact that they've united is—”
“—is very bad for us.” Virgil finished sharply before gesturing to the shackles in Logan’s hands. “Alright, enough talking. We can't do anything about that now. It’s your turn to take me down.”
“What?” Logan paused uncertainly. “What do I do?”
“Exactly what I did to you, L.” Virgil held out his wrist encouragingly as he smirked at Logan. “Go through the motions slowly the first time. The last thing we need is to have to explain to princey how you broke my wrist.”
“Okay.” Logan murmured quietly as he took Virgil’s wrist.
“It's fine, L. I was joking.” Virgil reassured him. “You won't actually hurt me.”
Logan nodded stiffly as he adjusted his grip on Virgil’s wrist. Slowly, he twisted Virgil’s hand behind back, grateful that Virgil willingly flowed with the motion.
“Good, L. Take a breath.” Virgil mumbled quiet. “Keep your grip tight on my wrist. If I were to struggle, you press up on—”
“Sorry—” Logan whispered breathlessly as Virgil gasped. He immediately released the pressure.
“Don't let go.” Virgil commanded gently. He smiled as Logan continued to hold him gently. “It didn’t hurt. You just surprised me. You did good. It’s actually important for you to get used to what kind of force you can use without actually hurting me.”
Logan nodded and was quiet for a moment as he stared at Virgil’s back nervously. He could almost feel his hands shaking with guilt at causing his friend pain.
“L?”
“Yes, Virgil?” Logan looked up out of his daze.
“Next step is to get me to the ground.”
“Okay.” Logan shifted his stance carefully, looking down at Virgil’s legs.
“Just tap the back of my knee.” Virgil spoke gently. “You don't need much force to knock me to the ground.”
Logan nodded, kicking his foot up to Virgil’s knee to push him to the ground. He slowly kneeled behind Virgil as he dropped to his knees. Focused, Logan reached his free hand to Virgil’s shoulder as he kept pressure on Virgil’s wrist.
“That’s it, L. The most important thing is to keep control of the situation.” Virgil smiled as Logan’s movements became more confident. “Alright, get me on the ground and make sure I’m secure then you can cuff the first hand.”
“What?” Logan’s voice cracked as he looked down at Virgil.
“Relax, Logan. We have the key.” Virgil rushed to reassure him. He leaned his head to the side, catching a glance at Logan. “I didn't cuff you because I know it freaks you out, but you need the practice.”
“Right,” Logan’s gaze drifted down to Virgil’s wrist which was now a bright red from the increased blood flow. He felt a twinge of guilt as he lowered Virgil to the ground. He let out a long breath as he rested a knee on Virgil’s back and reached for the cuffs. “It’s just practice.”
“This is the most difficult part, Logan.” Virgil smiled reassuringly as he tried to watch Logan out of the corner of his eye. “You’re going to be distracted by getting the cuff on, but if you lose your grip now, the game's over. This isn’t the kind of trick you can pull twice.”
Logan nodded, grateful as the cuff snapped into place. He quickly reached for Virgil’s other wrist. With a quick twist, the hand was behind his friend’s back and he's snapped the other bind into place. A sudden calm swept over him as he realized he'd finished.
“Not so bad, right?” Virgil smirked up at him, head tipped to the side as he lay prone on the ground.
“No,” Logan smiled back as he stepped off Virgil. “Not nearly as difficult as I was anticipating.”
“Grab the key and we'll go again.” Virgil muttered as he pushed himself upright. He watched quietly as Logan slipped the key off the table and came back towards him. As Logan dropped behind him, he leaned forward, giving his friend a better angle to disengage his binds.
“Just to be sure, you would have informed me if I'd caused you injury. Right, Virgil?” Logan asked timidly.
“Of course. I'm not much good to anyone if I let you snap my wrist.” Virgil grinned as Logan snapped off the second cuff. He quickly popped himself off the ground. “Alright, let’s go again. This time, no pauses.”
Logan smiled at Virgil’s relaxed demeanor, glad to see that the restraints didn’t seem to cause the same emotional reaction that it would have for himself. His smile slowly turned to a smirk as he noticed the challenge in Virgil’s eyes. He couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s excitement and muster his best challenging smirk. “If you insist, Virgil. I would be happy to put you in your proper place.”
“Bring it on, L. You might find the process to be a little more challenging once I give you a bit of resistance.” Virgil pushed up the sleeves on his cloak as his eyes glimmered chaotically.
Logan turned the last corner silently. Never in his wildest daydreams did he think he would willingly return to the dungeons at night, let alone come back alone.
“I guess we'll soon see.” Logan chuckled as he took the shackles back from Virgil. He turned to face Virgil, crouching as he prepared to start again.
---
Slipping past Virgil had been easy. Even with his limited control on his powers, becoming undetectable was almost as natural as breathing. He moved as quietly as the wind dancing between shadows as he evaded the roaming guards.
Even nature seemed on his side as the waning moon was a thin crescent in the sky. The darkness of the near moonless night only made it easier for him to avoid the gaze of the few straggling bystanders he’d passed.
Logan sucked in a breath, hesitating in the last archway. It wasn't too late to turn around. He could still return to the relative safety of Virgil’s chamber. None of this was strictly necessary. He wouldn’t die from not knowing.
The problem was the question had been eating at him all of his life and he finally had the opportunity to get a real answer. He needed to know what had happened to his mother and there was only one person who had offered to settle the question in his mind.
“What are you waiting for, Logan?”
Dee's smooth voice sent chills up his spine. Logan tilted his head to the entrance, hesitating guiltily as he weighed his options. Logan knew he should go back. Nothing good could come from entering the dungeons alone with Dee, but he couldn’t force himself to walk away. Shame brimmed in his eyes as he turned, hesitating reluctantly following Dee’s voice into the dimly lit cell.
-
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#sanders sides#sanders sides fic#sanders sides fanfiction#sanders sides fanfic#ts logan#ts virgil#ts janus#ts deceit#You Belong With Me#villain writes
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well, cherry magic was absolutely devastating and yet another example of why i love jdramas: when they set out to do so, they are full of so much heart and understanding of what it means to be human. i have had so many emotional rollercoasters over the years, but the angst is not usually angst for its own sake; there’s a purpose: to paint a tragedy and make you think ah, if only..., or testing the bonds of friends and family to show that what makes us human can just as easily tear us apart as be the cause for us to overcome obstacles in life.
i usually don’t like romances. i avoid them. which is also why i like jdramas. romance-centric ones are clearly marked and indicated in the summary, if a romance appears in a non romantic drama, it doesn’t often take anything away from the plot or characters. in fact, aside from old bl movies, i’ve never watched a single romance jdrama, no matter how highly recommended.
this got LONG so.
two things: 1) im really glad i gave cherry magic a chance. 2) my mind was blown by how far the japanese romance genre has come in terms of depicting same sex relationships. all you have to do is look to the old bl movies i used to watch- even if the characters are respected within their medium, they all end in tragedy.
so, cherry magic along with several other jdramas coming out or that have come out recently, really impressed me. i stepped away from the jdrama world for a while, and im glad that i slipped back in.
so about the whole drama since ive really been talking about the overall genre - it’s so damn good and relatable, to a painful degree. to me, particularly, who has lived a privileged life and moves through the world without too much fuss, it’s that self-sabotage of adachi’s that really hit me hard. you’re your own worst enemy sometimes. and, indeed, his anxiety is also really relatable. how many times do i always think the worst of my performance, when the grades, the instructors’ assessments, my friends and family, all say i didn’t do as bad as i think in my head? or thinking whatever you do, it’s never going to be enough to match so-and-so’s expectations, and if you fail their expectations you fail them and yourself. man, that spiral of his thoughts in the last two episodes was painful but the resolution of which was so cathartic.
(also, i guess i just have to own up to the fact that i do have some sort of anxiety. i never really talk about myself to others, and to my family who i do, they don’t believe anxiety is even a thing beyond a funny feeling in your gut which is like “wow, really”, but a thing i’ve learned to ignore, except this ongoing pandemic situation has really made it rear its ugly head, which i can normally keep in check ok)
but the drama as a whole...it’s so realistic, and positive. it’s a perfect balance. it handles the “typical” bl tropes well, giving a bit of its original manga flair but taking it to a realistic level. like all the classic kabedons! the mind reading bit is actually really helpful here to break those tropes apart a bit by being able to know kurosawa’s thoughts even tho on the outside he’s mostly as suave as ever
and another thing! it’s so...life-affirming. that it’s ok to not know where you’re going even at age 30, to set little goals for yourself, to pursue happiness in your relationships. the way society is these days, there’s so much pressure to be the best and succeed - even to the point, it’s not just good to be happy with what you’re doing, you must be successful by society’s standard (the minato storyline particularly addressed this)
and i, at least, really need that reminder. i love the career im working towards now, but when i was only 21, i was just about having a breakdown every other week bc i was coming to the end of my undergrad studies and didn’t know where i wanted to go next. it felt like ‘if i don’t make the right choice in these 3 months, it’ll ruin the rest of my life or i’ll just never be happy’. that’s so crazy, thinking back.
and another thing: the characters are all so different, but i found a bit of myself in each of them nonetheless. unlike fujisaki, i do want to be in a relationship someday, but i don’t want one now and i would greatly appreciate people in my life to stop pressuring me into one with their well-intentioned comments. i thought at first that kurosawa wasn’t going to be super deep, just a really nice guy in love, but actually his mask of perfection and need to meet others’ expectations as his self-perceived redeeming qualities really hit hard. and adachi, who is like my spirit animal, his anxiety and worries over whether he’s worth a love that seems so good and perfect, running away rather than face the possibility of getting hurt from that interaction. even rokkaku, who acted all energetic and excited at the drinking party but really just wanted to get the heck out of there
the actors were all just. so good. i mentioned this last time, but they got the perfect balance of comedy moments + realistic reactions/nuanced acting that isn’t exaggerated, for the non-comedy moments. they all did a stellar job of selling this drama!
so, the bad thing is that this has set the bar high on modern romance dramas for me, and considering i don’t give them much of a chance in the first place, lol.
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i feel like u mentioned having some kind of personal hc bout evil x at some point?? maybe it was another blog, just curious
Yeah, I do have one! It's a little bit hard to explain (and maybe a bit overboard with the lore), but I'll do my best:
TL;DR: Evil X is a past version of Xisuma who got consumed by the unlimited power of admin abilities. Due to timeline weirdness he developed differently than X did and never gained a moral compass.
Way, WAY too detailed analysis under the cut, if you're interested.
Disclaimer: I'm analyzing lore because I like to analyze lore, I am in no way trying to say anything about X as an actual person
So. The three main info sources we have on EX are his abilities, his characterization/personality, and the way X interacts with him. A lot of this stuff is pretty inconsistent in canon but if we're willing to overlook some bumpy patches we can get a few key points.
First of all, to me it seems like Evil X's power set is basically just admin abilities with a lack of moral limitations. He can summon other entities (minions, tnt, etc.), he can replace blocks with other blocks, he can summon lightening. These are all things you can do with commands: aka, things Xisuma himself could do but doesn’t (because self control and loving your friends and all that stuff)
Then, we have EX's characterization (which I'll be honest with you, isn't a lot). If we're going on purely canon information, he's usually portrayed as kind of immature. He does things seemingly on impulse with no backup for if plan A doesn't work, he tends to rely on brute force more so than strategy, and he doesn't really think ahead much. In my opinion, he's also portrayed as very lonely. On multiple occasions his plans relied on trusting an entity or entities (his minions, the voice in the Nether) that later betrayed him, and any time X has tried to be friendly to him he really seems to be in need of that connection and understanding. In general he just gives off the vibes of a lost and hurting younger person in need of some guidance and experience.
That brings us to how Xisuma interacts with him, which is very interesting. He's willing to do whatever it takes to stop EX if he's trying to destroy the server, but as soon as the immediate danger is no longer present, Xisuma shows kindness to EX startlingly easily. It's almost as if he knows somehow that the thing EX needs is just someone to understand him, to listen and help him see more constructive uses for the power he's found himself with. Or at least, he thinks he knows this. In the end X does seem to give up on that goal by banning him, but we'll get to that later.
Now, my own personal headcanon about admin powers is that they can be taught and learned, but some people are spawned in already having a natural affinity for them. I think that X was one of those people, and that Evil X is a version of him from way back when he was first exploring his abilities.
Imagine: having only just come into existence, and then having the power to create and destroy the very fundamentals of your world itself with a single typed command. In the beginning, the temptation to push that power more and more, to stretch it and see just how far you can go, just how effectively you can warp the universe to your will...it must have been overwhelming. (If you don't believe me, just look at the amount of tnt used by the average child in creative mode lol)
I think for the first few years of having his abilities Xisuma kind of let it go to his head. It's easy to distance yourself from every other living thing when you can destroy them so easily, easy to stop thinking of them as living.
Obviously in X's case he moved away from that stage. As much of a rush as this power was to use, he did not want a legacy of ashes. He eventually started learning new ways to use his power, ways that created instead of destroyed, and he found that he liked it much better. He started seeking out people he could connect with, trying to find his own humanity again. He built and protected and felt at home in the peace he'd made, for himself and the Hermits, his new found family. He swore he would never use his abilities like that again.
However at some point in the height of those early days of power madness, X did something that split the timeline. The universe fractured and created a parallel version of himself that never developed beyond that initial destructive stage. How and why Evil X crossed over to the main timeline is up to interpretation (I have a few ideas but this post is way too long already), but when he showed up X knew exactly who he was looking at.
Xisuma thought he knew how to save Evil X because he knew what he'd needed at that stage of his life: to find his humanity again. So, he tried to make a genuine human connection at every possible opportunity. He was always willing to fight if necessary to protect his friends, but whenever EX wasn’t posing an immediate physical threat, he would try his best to reach out, to give him a chance.
What he failed to realize, of course, was that by interacting with EX he'd just changed the timeline. Evil X is now not set on the same path as Xisuma: different events have happened to him, therefore he is turning into a different person. With that fatal flaw in mind, X realized it was not a guarantee that EX would ever move past the stage of power-drunk sabotage. I think Xisuma eventually decided that the risk to his friends and all they had built together wasn't worth the reward, and banned him. It wasn’t easy, but he finally had to accept that the person who’d been haunting him was no longer him.
Wow, that was a long post! I have to say I really do like the various brother or clone headcanons for EX, but I really like exploring the more original concept of an “evil self”.
Still, even my Evil Xisuma isn't necessarily "evil", or at least he doesn't have to be. He just spawned in with incredible power and no experience, and didn't really know what else to do with himself. It's awfully hard to know right from wrong when you have no moral frame of reference. However, if someone were to come along and offer him that frame of reference...say, a certain superhero... who's name starts with a W and ends with "ormman"...maybe he could still be redeemed :)
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Rhetorical.
This is not easy-peasy-lemon-squizzy. This is difficult-fucking-difficult.
I hate myself for the person I am because my first reaction was “that’s a drag, I don’t remember much of the manga already”. But then I remembered complex human relationships is nyom-nyom-nyom. And so fell in love with working on it more and more as I went. So here you go, @gogolparadise
Unfortunately, I am one of those people who doesn’t blame Ango for Oda’s death. My blaming scale looks more like this: Gide, Oda, Mori, everyone else. I blame Oda for Oda’s death, mostly. And there’s no denial about who shot Odasaku in the first place. But Ango isn’t blameless. He done fuck up.
I won’t write how and when Dazai sabotaged the airbag, I am sure even he wouldn’t know it either. P L O T. The scene between Ango and Dazai unfolded differently in manga and anime. And I like manga’s version better. I rarely use Japanese respectful suffixes like “san” and “kun”, but here….it’s sorta important.
✏ Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs
✏ Characters: Dazai Osamu, Ango Sakaguchi
✏ Word count: 2,166
✏ Warnings: none?
Rhetorical.
He couldn’t deny the fact that having a gun in his hand felt distantly pleasant. The power and control that came with the weight in his hand would add more pleasure to it. But the weapon was oddly light compared to his memories of handling one. It wasn’t loaded. A good decision: a smart and safe decision. If Dazai couldn’t trust himself, he could trust in the distrust people have for him. And no one would know that better than someone he once called a friend. The two loyal guard dogs wouldn’t be able to stop him if that’s what he wanted. The resting blade against his neck only sharpened that tiny thrill coursing through his veins. It was bringing up old memories of having his life on the line every other day. The sound of raining shots, the lightning bolt shine of it, the heat of the muzzle afterwards. And the lingering smell of gunpowder. Unloading the gun was the smartest decision his once-friend had ever made. Because Dazai also couldn’t deny the fact that when it was aimed at the back of Ango’s head, it felt invigorating.
“What on earth made you think…” Dazai asked calmly. “…that I had forgiven you?” He didn’t regret asking. The question didn’t need to be answered. There was no need to have a conversation about that part of history. After all, there was too much to forgive, and Dazai didn’t even start on it. But asking had to clearly state where they stand.
“I was the one who cleaned your record when you fled the Mafia. If anything, you are the one who owes me,” Ango replied, unfazed by the threat, and even sounding a little exasperated.
“Alright.” Dazai easily dropped the threat, the aim of the gun, the feeling coursing through his veins. “The gun isn’t loaded. You knew I’d do that.”
A hand was offered to collect the empty weapon. “I am glad you catch on so quickly.” The man in glasses offered a calm, collected smile, with a little amusement traced in the lines of his face. Dazai would roll his eyes at this if the man wasn’t so obviously looking. Credit given where its due, Ango wasn’t slow on the uptake — always deceitfully sharp. But Dazai didn’t appreciate proximity or eye-contact. Least of all he wanted to grow an appreciation for Ango’s quick thinking, stoic and neutral approach, and overall efficiency. He remembered the man from the past too vividly, and separating those images was harder than it should have been. Liar. Traitor.
“If we are not rekindling our old friendship,” Sakaguchi spoke again, more hesitantly this time. “…What do you want?”
How eloquent and bold it was to say that there was something to rekindle between them. When a torch goes out, you look for a fire to light it again. You don’t wet the cloth and chop up the wooden stick. And you sure do not let the torch burn to ashes. If so, there was nothing to rekindle.
With his back to Ango, Dazai allowed himself to smile. The half-masks he knew how to transform and switch seamlessly. His goals were for him to know. Ango would find out soon enough. The bandaged man shifted his smile into a childish grin. “Oooh…” He patted the roof of the car. “You government men drive fine cars, eh?”
The government man graced him with an unamused stare. A sharp look of a man who didn’t want his car touched in such manner. Pity, really, that should be the least of his worries. Government men drive fine cars, but there are many fine cars in this world.
Ex-Mafia rested his elbow on the car if only to gauge a reaction out of the man he once made a mistake to call friend. “Care to go for a drive?” Dazai didn’t regret asking. The question didn’t need to be answered.
Fine cars indeed… For what those government men got those fancy cars Dazai could only guess. “It’s your job to keep those skill-oriented crimes in check, isn’t it? You mustn’t shirk your duty like that.” He spoke leisurely, enjoying, savouring. There was something sickeningly amusing in the ease of the situation. The tension that was visibly lacking in the air. Ango’s safe driving befitting of a good citizen. The calm Dazai couldn’t help but feel. He almost felt guilty about it, too. The calm that comes with the knowledge of what’s to come. And yet, by all canons of the world, it should not be as easy as breathing.
“We have been keeping tabs on the Guild as well,” Ango finally gave a reply fitting for a government man. A limited, careful answer.
Dazai’s interest was piqued by the narrowness of such words. “You knew…and you simply let them be? Do I have that right?” He knew he did. The question didn’t need to be answered. But he didn’t regret asking, he savoured it without guilt.
“Unlike you, Dazai-kun, I believe in an honest day’s work,” Sakaguchi answered evenly, never taking his eyes off the road. “Do you even know what kind of kind of group the Guild is?”
Dazai could guess that this feeling inside him was glee. There was nothing compared to the feeling of knowing and seeing through the deceit of others even if that deceit was a delusion for one’s self. He cared little for the games the government played, he just despised them. He cared not for the power the Guild possessed, he just wanted to beat it.
“Oh my, wait a moment,” the bandaged man said. “This discussion is taking a strange turn.”
“This is politics, Dazai-kun.”
That’s an exceptionally fine carpet word for lies, deception, manipulation, power play and the like. Perhaps, it was a matter of perception, the things one believes in. If perception can stop you from seeing the world upside-down, if it can grant you the vividness of colours and appreciation for abstract, then it surely must be able to install a belief in the greater good.
“…to grant immunity to their members…”
Like Ango believing in an honest day’s work. Or Atsushi believing in his own worthlessness or that saving people will justify his existence. Like Kunikida upholding his ideals stronger than any other man alive.
“…truly, above the law…”
Perhaps, it was all about the installed moral compass within a person. The lines one draws to walk a straight path. Those constructed margins of morality that should never be crossed lest the world changes its meaning or loses it completely. Dazai’s compass had been broken for the longest time, he could admit that much. There were too many bold strokes beyond the margins: crosses, stains, incomprehensible lines made in indifference and irresponsibility.
“…they’re surveilling our little conference even now…”
But, truly, how morally superior is the government handling the bizarre world of skill-users compared to the Mafia? He couldn’t be the one to judge and tell. He couldn’t understand.
“Dazai-kun, start running away. Now.” The urgency in Ango’s voice brought him back to the oncoming reality. Whatever emotions were hidden behind the glasses, Dazai couldn’t press into his memory. The mind was too preoccupied. He pressed back into the seat — a response of his body to the upcoming and unavoidable danger. The thought of dying had never once scared him, but pain, broken bones, and the like — loathed.
“Run, and tell your agents that danger will find them soon —” It didn’t matter what the answer was. There was no need for it.
If there were indeed parallel worlds — an infinite number of possibilities of the current one — then it could be different. In another world, perhaps, it could be different. They could have never met and, thus, never had their past shared. Two perfect strangers to each other — two parallels never meeting. In a different world where the events unfolded differently, where they still met, became friends and met in a bar with, preferably, a similar menu. In a world where he didn’t die, they could remain forever as they were back then. Dazai would feed them his terrible tofu and talks about suicide. They could eat and drink together while sharing nonsensical stories. There would be no guilt or regret. But that would have to be a different world.
In this world, Sakaguchi Ango, a government agent, successfully infiltrated Port Mafia and then Mimic. In this world, Sakaguchi survived in the Mafia and climbed the ranks. In this world, he had successfully pretended to be a friend to Dazai Osamu, youngest Executive in history, and Sakunosuke Oda, the lowest of the ranks. He done so not out of necessity but because he could. In this world, Sakunosuke Oda was dead, killed in confrontation with Mimic. Ango’s betrayal of the Mafia didn’t matter in the least. After all, Dazai had done so too: even he wasn’t such a hypocrite. In this world what mattered was the death of a man who didn’t get to write his novel. In this world, Dazai Osamu wasn’t a better man to forgive. In this world, ex-Mafia held grudges despite knowing the regret of another.
If he were in a different world and was a different human being, he would understand the necessity for the flowers when visiting a hospital. But he wasn’t, and he didn’t really understand it. Nonetheless, he had done it. A man who believes in honest day’s work deserved that much, at least.
“Why, hello there, Ango!” Dazai’s chirpy voice carried through the ward. “How are you doing?” With a bouquet and a basket of consumable goods as visiting protocol dictates. And a bright friendly smile, of course. “Well, you look lovely,” Dazai lied effortlessly, seamlessly. He had done so not out of necessity but because he could. “I have a fine story for you!”
It was in the very same bar where the three of them met that he witnessed it: regret. Sakaguchi Ango, a government agent who infiltrated Port Mafia and climbed the ranks, expressed regret. Perhaps, that alone was the thing that steadied the Executive’s hand. That, and Odasaku’s presence. Unfortunately, there was no more Odasaku to steady the bandaged Executive’s hand. Only the words of a friend now gone to guide this ex-mafioso.
It was much later that Dazai truly saw the guilt behind the round glasses. It’s much easier to recognize guilt in others when experienced. He couldn’t tell if it was cleverly hidden from others or if Ango had hid from himself.
“Thirty-five count murderer?” the bedbound man asked, unsurprised. Dazai was a visitor but he sure wasn’t a good one after eating from the basket. According to him, that’s what he planned. According to everyone else who could be in the room to pass judgement: selfish, inconsiderate, and even mocking. He didn’t do it out of necessity but because he could.
“Murder is murder,” Sakaguchi stated simply. Dazai remained a patient listener despite how easy it would be to probe at wounds unhealed, to uncap the bottled regret, to stir their shared but erased past. He knew full well what murder was. So did Ango. But the thing about murder and death is that it often was accompanied with guilt. And guilt was a disobedient spirit: it didn’t follow you because you murdered, it followed because it could. For all that Ango did, for all the lies and treacherous moves, Dazai knew one thing for sure: in the moment it mattered most he had nothing to offer Odasaku to cling to. In that vital moment all he could offer were pitiful words that wouldn’t even convince a child. If he had to live with the guilt of it, he would.
“…if you seek other help…I’d be glad to do that.”
“Is that so?” Dazai asked, getting up from the chair. That was all he needed to hear. The task was accomplished. “Well, I’ll be back.”
“Dazai-kun.”
That stalled him at the doorway.
“I am accepting your offer of treatment in exchange for support. So just tell me one more thing.” Sakaguchi Ango was deceptively sharp as ever and just as calm. “When we were struck by that mystery vehicle, the airbag on my side alone failed to inflate. Would you happen to know the reason?”
Just as Ango doesn’t put his regret and guilt out on display, Dazai, too, had trick to hide his darkness. If guilt was a disobedient spirit, then darkness was a parasite set on self-destruction.
Oh, he hoped to make his once-friend regret the question. For it would be easy to hide the smile with his back to Ango. It would be equally as easy to switch one smile for another. But there was no need for that. Whatever it was he hid, the other would soon find out. Dazai allowed himself to smile with sincere darkness of his mind and offer it to the man who betrayed him. There was no need for an answer.
#yokelishtorturesenglish#bsd scenarios#bsd imagines#bsd fanfic#dazai osamu and ango sakaguchi#dazai osamu#ango sakaguchi#did i allude to BEAST? who knows~#i am not very happy with this work because it's not fucked up enough#i want more fucked up thank you#a very shitty character dynamic exploration
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Hi Mr ENTJ, How do you deal with doubt? That gripping feeling that you're just not enough and you should be better? How do you look for answers from the inside rather than just patch in on from the outside? Thanks.
Related answers:
Can you talk about the quality(ies) or trait(s) that contributed most to your success?
What do you think is required from a person to succeed ?
Dealing with failure and overcoming adversity
You’re referring specifically to self-doubt. This is a great question that took me a long time to properly articulate a response because I didn’t want to dismiss it with a stereotypical: “I don’t feel self-doubt. I just fix the problem, power through it, and move on!” like every other ExTJ out there. I want to properly explain why this is the case so let me try:
I don’t often experience self-doubt or the gripping feeling that I’m not good enough, not because I’m a perfect human being (far from it-- here’s a greatest hits collection of some of my biggest failures), but because of my general approach to life that’s shaped by a few key beliefs.
1. I know where the world ends and where I begin
This means that I know where the line exists between what I want and what the world wants, between who I am and who other people want me to be, and between my expectations for my life and other people’s expectations of me. I see this boundary crystal clear and I enforce it. I set my own goals and I hold myself accountable to them.
This helps fight self-doubt because I don’t attach my self-esteem and self-worth to externally defined goals or assessments, I don’t accept unwanted input into my personal life from people who don’t matter, and I don’t compare myself to other people in destructive ways. If I compare myself to other people, it’s for the purposes of data gathering and not validation.
For example, the knowledge that most students graduate college in 4 years tells me that 4 years is the average amount of time. My key takeaway is that 3 years is above average speed and 4+ years is below average speed so I should aim to get my degree in approximately 4 years. My key takeaway is not that I’m a disastrous failure if I don’t graduate college in 4 years. And FYI, I ended up graduating in 6 years because I dropped out for 2 years and I still turned out fine.
Self-defined and self-enforced goals are critical to combating self-doubt because they mute all the outside noise; pushy parents, nosy friends, aggressive colleagues, and fickle societal standards. Life is very difficult by itself without the added complexity of multiple people pulling you in different directions that you don’t even want to go. Set clear boundaries and take the time to self-reflect what’s important to you so that you can be happy with the results of your efforts even if they don’t yield acknowledgement from anyone else.
tl;dr:
Find peace with the life you create for yourself because it’s you that has to live it.
2. I keep the big picture in mind, always
This means perspective. In the grand scheme of things, small losses here and there don’t amount to much because life is a marathon and not a sprint. This means that if you screw up today, there’s a high chance you can fix it tomorrow. If not, then know the world isn’t going to end because of it. The sun will still rise, babies will still be born, puppies will still be cute, your family will still love you, Tumblr will still be toxic, and the earth will still spin on its axis. I have failed classes, almost got held back in school, screwed up at work, infuriated important people, been rejected from 100+ jobs, lost important scholarships, and things still worked out because those failures didn’t matter in the long run even if they felt enormous at the time I was experiencing them. I know mistakes can be fixed, they’re not permanent, and they don’t sabotage the grand vision I have for my life. It makes the times I fall on my ass less painful which consequently makes me less fearful of trying to fly over and over again until I get it right.
This helps fight self-doubt because I attach failure to individual outcomes (actions) but I do not attach failure to me personally (identity).
For example, if I applied to Harvard University but got rejected, my interpretation of that outcome is this: “I failed to get into Harvard.” Yes, I failed to get into Harvard (action) but no, I am not a failure (identity).
The failure starts and stops at the end of an outcome, I don’t let it escape its container and infect other parts of my life by internalizing this kind of garbage: “I failed to get into Harvard so I’m dumb, I’m unworthy, and I suck.” This prevents self-doubt because I know failure is an isolated incident and I don’t take it personally. I don’t absorb failure as a personal identity-- I attach it to the specific event, action, or outcome and then store it in my vast library of knowledge as a lesson learned.
tl;dr:
Life is long and screwing up is part of the journey. Remember that you can fail at things (action) without being a failure (identity).
3. I accept that life is a game of probability
This means that I view life as a statistics game with events on a sliding scale between low probability of success and high probability of success. Probability of success is influenced by many variables such as my preparation, my natural abilities, the economy, my competition, timing, etc. I adjust the probability of success based on those variables to make better predictions:
I know that if my goal is to join the National Basketball Association (NBA), my probability of success is lower because my basketball skills and physical traits are below the average of a typical professional basketball player.
I know that if my goal is to get accepted to one of the best universities in the world, my probability of success is higher because my grades, test scores, and academic profile are above the average of a typical applicant.
Low probability of success doesn’t mean low effort. I don’t half-ass things that are unlikely to happen, I put high effort in all my endeavors if I really care about them and an obvious example of that is my life. Everything I’ve achieved in my life has been statistically improbable because I come from an underprivileged background where it was highly unlikely for me to have the life I have now. I beat the odds and achieved my goals anyway because I maximized my chances of success.
This perspective influences how I interpret success and failure:
Low probability of success that results in failure: “This outcome is what I expected so I’m not surprised, but at least I tried, gave it my best shot, and I know the answer. I’ll learn where I can improve and take that knowledge forward into the future.”
Low probability of success that results in success: “This outcome is not what I expected but I’m pleased it went my way. I understand this was an exception to the norm and I’m grateful it leaned in my favor.”
High probability of success that results in success: “This outcome is what I expected and I’m pleased it went my way. I need to continue doing the things that worked well and keep that knowledge for future reference.”
High probability of success that results in failure: “This outcome is not what I expected so I’m disappointed. I need to evaluate why I failed, understand how I can improve, and try again until I get it right.”
This helps fight self-doubt because it does one very crucial thing for me: it makes it impossible for me to lose.
I tell people all the time: “I’m undefeated because I’m still standing and I’m still going.” I can’t lose, I can only learn. It enables me to set realistic goals, have realistic expectations about my chances to achieve them, understand why I failed, and feel grateful when I succeed. Success is never guaranteed and failure is always accounted for in my calculations so I’m never blindsided. I know that I can be “perfect” and still fail, but I also know that I can be “imperfect” and still succeed. If I’ve done everything within my power and it’s still not going my way, then I’m not plagued with self-doubt because I can accept it was beyond my control and that it’s time to try something else.
tl;dr:
Many things in life are out of your control but try your best so you have peace of mind that you’re not quitting-- you’re moving on.
I’m not invincible, but for these reasons, it’s rare for me to feel self-doubt because I don’t view life as a game of “am I good enough or not?” I view life as a game of “what’s the best way to get what I want and did it work?” My two options are then: 1) Succeed, learn, and move on or 2) Fail, learn, and move on. There’s no third option to spiral into uncertainty and crippling self-doubt. I focus my energy on identifying the problem, the variables I can control, and the learnings from my outcomes.
In the rare times I do feel self-doubt, I go through a rigorous self-reflection exercise to identify the cause whether that’s concerns about personal decisions I’ve made, thoughts on my professional trajectory, or the state of my relationships. I identify the outcome that I want, gather information on how to secure that outcome, and give it my best shot. The result of that effort provides knowledge, wisdom, and opportunities to either 1) continue on the same path or 2) stop and try something else.
Ultimately, I always feel like there’s something wonderful in life waiting for me just around the corner and agonizing over past failures or self-doubt-- instead of getting up and trying again-- only delays me getting it.
#doubt#self-esteem#self-confidence#self-doubt#psychology#strength#personality#failure#success#personal#faq
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My Dragon Age Fanfiction Masterlist
In chronological order, from Arlathan to post-Trespasser.
There Is No Ithaca
Three moments where Solas loses his home: Solas wrecks his revolution on the altar of Mythal. Solas returns from war to find Ghilan’nain incubating the Blight within their own home. Fen'Harel negotiates the end of the world with the Thaig of the Bastion of the Pure. Answers to various asks from brightoncemore’s wonderful promptlist.
Overheard at the Hanged Man
Thirty-one stories written in Nightmare-mode for Beyond the Veil’s 2020 Artober Challenge, ranging through the entire series, from Arlathan before the Blight to the Chargers in Serault.
Alistair the Accidental Heretic
Alistair gets bored during morning prayer and starts changing the words of the Chant as he sings. Mother Prudence and Knight-Commander Greagoir are less than pleased, and soon he finds himself tripping up over accidental heresy even within the kitchens of Kinloch Hold. It’s not easy, being a half-elf templar with a conscience, because even having a sense of humor is heresy.
The Starkhaven Crier
A portrait of two future apostates at ten-year-olds: Jowan and Surana are bored, get dragged to the Chantry for the good of their souls, and accidentally make the new girl from Starkhaven cry. Featuring Surana determined to be the one Dalish against letting the Maker come back, the self-hating mage in the Surana/Amell origin as the Starkhaven Crier, and the same Mother Prudence who sent Alistair to bed without supper. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me.
Morrigan at the Crossroads
Morrigan reaches her breaking point, confronted with the one person she cannot flee: her six-week-old son, who cannot be soothed back to sleep, struggling in the Crossroads. From a prompt musettta3 sent me.
Shartan’s Riddle
Surana talks Mahariel through writing Leliana, after Leliana leaves to work for the Divine. Shartan promised them a home, and Mahariel worries Leliana, devout as she is, cannot give it to her. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me.
Winter in Amaranthine
The Wardens’ companions decide to leave, and Warden-Commander Arana Mahariel cannot find a reason good enough to tell them no. Meanwhile, letters between the Warden and Leliana get lost in translation, and Arana makes it worse. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me.
Phosphorescence
A Despair demon in the Foundry district is clogging up the whole city with a miasma of misery. Justice runs into an old friend of his, during Anders’ first few weeks in Kirkwall, and the three set to work. Heavy-handed allegory abounds, but, Justine opines, that’s the Dreamers’ fault. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me.
Labyrinth
"Anders made no attempt at escape during the years they were together." This story is meant to explore everything absolutely horrible about that statement. If the core part of Anders' identity is his refusal to submit to imprisonment, then perhaps listening to Karl was a violation of his sense of self. Things get better, and then things get worse.
Kirkwall Thunderstorm
Family squabbling as the storm sets in, Hawke flees to face the thunderstorm head on, and laughs, because what’s more to life than this, chasing a storm all the way down to the harbor? From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me. One of my favorite things I’ve written in 2020.
Debutante
Leandra manages Hawke’s debut ball, and surprises herself by having a lot of fun. From an OC ask I decided to turn into a prompt.
Dregs
Anders baits Varric, or Varric baits Anders, both drunk at the Hanged Man. There’s no resolution to an argument when they’re both just angry, thinking about dead mages. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me. One of my favorite things I’ve written in 2020.
The Scent of Pomegranates
Merrill brings a pomegranate to the Hanged Man, to try and capture some of the way her clan celebrated the new year. Fenris is oddly moved. Written for the DA Den’s 2020 Holiday Gift Exchange.
Anders in Autumn
Anders and Fenris, over the course of one gorgeous autumn in Kirkwall, find common ground, a common goal, and even tenderness, as the city grows cool and vibrant in the changing of the year. Justice returns to the streets of Kirkwall, one way or another, and it is as transformative and loving as justice truly is. An answer to an Artober challenge from cozy-autumn-prompts.
Warp & Weft
Anders wakes Fenris up in the middle of the night talking, and then not wanting to talk, about weaving. What they remember and what they have forgot climb into the bed with them. A gift for potatowitch.
Landlocked
Merrill goes looking for Isabela after a night of drinking at the Hanged Man, and finds her considering the sun rising over the horizon at the docks. They're landlocked and the salt's drained them both dry, but maybe it's not all been a waste. They're shipless, not shipwrecked.
Part of a personal challenge to write more femslash, after realizing how little there is in Dragon Age fandom.
Catabasis
Kirkwall’s in ashes and Hawke and their friends are on the run. Varric might have ended the story at the docks, but the conflict continues. The question persists: should they separate? And what brought them together in the first place? From a series of prompts ellie-effie and musetta3 sent me.
Dead Man Hiking
Solas broods over what has been lost. Dorian interrupts, and Solas dangles hidden knowledge in front of him like a carrot. They both take the bait, because, as irritable and sad Solas can get, “he wants to give wisdom, not orders,” and Dorian loves to learn. Written for Beyond the Veil’s 2020 Satinalia Gift Exchange.
Dirthara Ma! May You Learn
After the Exalted Council, Solas stops for a drink and a sulk in a quiet tavern in Ostwick. He is convinced no one will ever recognize him with a full head of hair and a beard. Then the Inquisitor walks in. The first in a canon-compliant post-Trespasser Solavellan series.
White Nights
A year after Trespasser, Lavellan takes a new lover to a quiet inn in Val Royeaux. She steps out to the balcony for a quick smoke under the stars, looks over to the balcony adjacent to hers–and who is there but the Dread Wolf himself, slightly disguised, with a glass of wine? Despite themselves they talk, and do not stop talking. “Entertain me,” Solas says. “What ending will Master Tethras write for us? Because I do not know how to leave this gracefully. Though I suppose any ending is better than the last one, when I left with your arm.”
The second and most comprehensive in a canon-compliant post-Trespasser Solavellan series. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me. One of my favorite things I’ve written in 2020.
Ligaments
Briala has loaded her dice when playing the Game. Gaspard throws her in prison, but her message goes out to both the Dread Wolf, keen to better his reputation for catastrophe amongst the elves of Orlais, and the Dalish Inquisitor, who is still reeling from the loss of her arm.
“We do not necessarily know he is the enemy,” Leliana says. “And it is exciting, no? To have that rush of danger and destruction between every kiss.”
The third in a canon-compliant post-Trespasser Solavellan series. From the six Florence & the Machine prompts that ellie-effie sent me. One of my favorite things I’ve written in 2020.
Out From Under the Dread Wolf's Eye
Briala and Merrill try and steal an eluvian out from under the Dread Wolf's eye. It doesn't quite work, but that doesn't mean the day's a failure, not when there's dinner to be had and a connection to explore.
Part of a personal challenge to write more femslash, after realizing how little there is in Dragon Age fandom.
The Domesticities
Solas adjust to a new, gentle love that has gripped his heart and will not let him go: a Lavellan who heralds a world he did dream of, and learns how to survive grief and his own betrayal, learns how to surrender the high moral ground and focus on the domesticities.
A series of Solas-POV ficlets from my story, Fen'Harel’s Teeth, where Lavellan is a mother and leader in her own right, and barely keeping her head above the water of her own deep grief. Not in chronological order!
He Who Hunts Alone
Solas will restore the Elvhen People as he knew them, even if this world must die. It is his only purpose as he understands it. But a magical accident leaves him in another world, where a version of himself has made a very different choice. Solas is forced to reckon with a desire he has never let himself explore.
Inquisitor Tara Trevelyan, both his friend and adversary, is dragged with him, as they move from their world, to a world where Solas seems to have won it all, to another that seems both their worst nightmare.
Inquisitor Tara Trevelyan: the rebel apostate mage, romanced Josephine
Inquisitor Imladris Lavellan: the Dalish First, romanced Solas, featured in Fen'Harel’s Teeth
Inquisitor Brigid Trevelyan: the faithful Andrastian prophet, rogue and noble, Tara’s sister, romanced Blackwall and then Cullen
Written in tandem with my partner, batsy22-me, and likewise abandoned when we got bored of it.
Fen'Harel’s Teeth
First Lavellan, Imladris Ashallin, thought that her audience with the Divine against templars’ harassment of Dalish mages would be a token protest, and that her people would use it to draw the city elves closer to the Vir Tanadahl. She didn’t think her Keeper’s calculations would catapult her to the top of the Chantry’s leadership, manipulating the powers of Thedas to leave her people be.
Meanwhile, Briala foments revolution in Halamshiral, using the eluvian network to sabotage the armies of Orlais. A new movement erupts in the Dales, and elves across Thedas look at this so-called “Herald of Andraste” and see Mythal’s vallaslin. Fiona breaks the chains of mages across Thedas, and Fenris starts whispers of a new age in Tevinter–one where the slaves throw down their masters. A new age is coming, and all of Thedas look to Lavellan to usher it in.
My baby, my never-ending story, my current work-in-progress.
#dragon age fanfic#dragon age fanfiction#dragon age#dragon age fanfiction masterlist#5lazarus#hes5thlazarus
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Another set of Character Development questions, this time very specific to FFXIV
I cam across another set of character development questions on the Emet-Selch Bookclub discord, and since I love these things, I’m going to answer all 35 of them for all 4 of my crew! Ready? Let’s go!
1. Where were they during the Calamity?
Franks had not yet made the journey between their worlds yet, he only did so about a year into the Seventh Umbral Era.
Fearless was still living on Aerslant, which I don’t know if there’s any canonical description of how the Calamity affected that region, but I’m going to go with “they felt the effects, but it wasn’t quite mass chaos like it was in Eorzea”
Dahkar and Rheika were both living in the Black Shroud but were mostly spared the direct effects.
2. How did they acquire their Echo?
All four of them received the Echo as it plays out in the MSQ. Dahkar and Rheika got it after dealing with the enraged treants at Lifemend Stump, Fearless and Franks after fighting the frenzied Mossback at the Seasong Grotto
3. Does their Echo function like it does in the MSQ? Or is there a twist to it?
For the most part it functions like it does in the MSQ, but there’s some extra abilities that it provides that I’m planning on exploring in a future fic. To summarize: the Armory system is represented as a pocket dimension the Warriors can store clothing, weapons, and tools in. The Echo also allows them to “pause and save” any learning they have done in a particular discipline and resume it as if no time had passed whenever they choose
4. Do they have a canon mount or minion? What's its name(s)?
All four of them have their chocobos, which I don’t have names for yet (the ones in game aren’t canon, as they’re mostly inside jokes). Aside from those, two of my crew have a couple of mounts special to them.
Franks has kept Maggie, the Magitek Armor liberated by the Garlond Ironworks. Most recently, he’s taken to using a Gabriel Alpha magitek unit that he liberated and rebuilt from the Bozjan Southern Front
Rheika is incredibly fond of the True Griffin she befriended while helping the Ananta at Castellum Velodyna.
5. Where are they from? What was their childhood like?
I’ve covered this in some of my “Details!” posts I’ve done for them all, so I’ll be brief here
Franks - from another world, grew up on a farm, pretty normal farmer’s childhood
Rheika - grew up outside of Gridania in a Keeper of the Moon community, a middleish child of a large number of sisters. Aside from being made to understand WAY too early that the Wood Wailers will always treat her like a second class citizen because she is a Keeper of the Moon, she had a pretty happy childhood
Dahkar - Born on the Azim Steppe, mother took him to Gridania after his tribe was killed. Similarly treated like outsider, but otherwise kept mostly to himself, only meeting a couple of friends growing up.
Fearless - born and raised in Aerslant, the Sea Wolf Roegadyn homeland. Child of wealthy parents, she had a privileged upbringing but no choice in anything.
6. How did they deal with the massacre on the Waking Sands?
All of them were horrified and angry by it. Franks had never really experienced the Garlean Empire’s brutality firsthand before this, and it cemented a personal desire to fight them. Fearless, who’d begun to develop serious feelings for Minfilia, was almost beside herself with worry.
7. How did they deal with Haurchefant's death?
All of them took it pretty hard, but Dahkar, who’d been romantically involved with him by this point, was almost broken by it. His grief nearly consumed him in rage, quite literally, but “Fray” managed to help him hold it together until he could process and grieve.
8. How did they feel about the liberation of Ala Mhigo? Do they feel it could have been handled differently? Where they at all bothered by how they were involved?
I get the sense from the way this question was worded that the original author doesn’t care for the Stormblood storyline much, but honestly, I don’t have a problem with it. None of my crew are native Ala Mhigans, but they were all too happy to participate when it became clear that the time for it to happen had been chosen for everyone by Ilberd’s actions. Plus, y’know, there was that whole potential Bahamut-level primal they needed to deal with. Losing so handily to Zenos was a serious morale blow that messed them all up quite a bit, but all four of them went along with the plan. It offered them a chance to get better, to weaken the Empire and strengthen themselves.
9. How do they feel about Zenos?
THey all hate the guy for nearly killing so many of their friends and injuring them so badly. Later, pretty much universal relief when he died, pissed off that he didn’t stay that way, and now hell-bent on ending him once and for all. All of them pretty much agree that bastard needs to die.
10. How do they feel about their relationship with Hydaelyn? Midgarsormr?
Initially they accepted that Hydaelyn was a benevolent force, but once they learned of her origin, especially that she was a primal, a private debate broke out among them all the first chance they got to talk about it (which was after the Shadowbringers 5.0 MSQ when Rheika finally got back to the Source). Franks is very concerned that they’ve been tempered. Dahkar is now extremely wary of her, but isn’t certain their free will has been removed. Rheika and Fearless are unwilling to give up on her, but don’t understand why she stopped speaking to them.
Initially, they were all furious at Midgardsormr, but came to realize that his deeds in severing their connection to Hydaelyn definitely made them stronger. They now regard him as a friend and a source of wisdom.
11. Were they more sympathetic to the dragons, Ishgardians, neither or both?
Franks wasn’t certain of this, having known sentient dragons that had absolutely been wronged by mortals in his homeworld, but he didn’t see a way to fix this on his own, so he went along with helping the Ishgardians. He was absolutely on board with Alphinaud’s plan to try and end it, however.
The others had far less experience with Dragons, and initially accepted their version of events without much thought. They immediately turned on the whole idea when the deception was exposed, though.
12. How has their job affected whatever headcanon version is of the MSQ if any?
As I’ve explained in previous posts, I’ve parsed out all of the jobs (except Monk) to my characters, with the aim of balancing the following ideas.
○ At all times during the story, one of them should be capable of tanking, one healing, and the others DPSing
○ If possible no one should have more than 1 job from any of the 5 roles
○ Obviously, don’t give jobs to characters that make no sense for them to pick up
It’s taken a few revisions, but I’m currently happy with the setup they have. For the most part, they’re extremely proficient with their chosen fighting styles and don’t mind swapping around to fill whatever need is present. For Heavensward, the trio who got their new jobs in Ishgard chose to stick with them for the most part, and for much of the Far Eastern parts of Stormblood, Rheika and Fearless chose to stay Ninja and Samurai for the most part, since it felt “right” to them to use those arts when fighting for Doma’s liberation.
13. Are they close with any of the other Scions? Who do they get along with the best?
Franks gets along best with the more scholarly minded members of the Scions, specifically Y’shtola, Urianger, Krile, and G’raha when he later joins.
Rheika and Tataru have become the best of friends since she joined. She’s always encouraged Tataru to better herself however she wants, and really loves the newfound confidence she’s gained
Dahkar is closest to Thancred among the senior scions. Among the other members, he’s flirted with Ephemie a fair amount, and is considering whether or not he wants to deepen that to something more serious.
Fearless is probably closest to Alisaie. She admires her confidence a great deal.
14. Of the Scions, who are they most worried for?
Franks is most worried for Y’shtola and her “aethersight” draining her life force. He’s actively trying to modify the SCH magicks that cured the tonberry plague to restore her eyesight (and Thancred’s ability to manipulate aether)
Rheika is probably most worried about Urianger, as he’s shown a very disturbing pattern for pursuing a hidden agenda to further the scion’s goals, He claims to be done with that, but she’s worried he might slip into old habits in the future.
Dahkar and Fearless aren’t particularly worried about any of the Scions, beyond the default “these are my adopted family and I don’t want anything to happen to them” level of fear.
15. Is your WoL promiscuous? Celibate? Or just waiting for the right person?
Franks has so far been unable to move past the death of his wife to consider any new relationships. He’s also far older (if only mentally) than anyone who’d be interested, which also blocks him from considering anything new.
Rheika is aromantic, but pansexual. Romance does nothing for her, she just likes having fun with anyone she considers attractive and will respect her rule. She’s got a number of paramours in various parts of the world.
Dahkar is bi, and willing to engage in casual liaisons but at his heart, he really wants a committed relationship. After Haurchefant died, he hasn’t been involved in anything serious since, only crushing on people emotionally unavailable, such as Yugiri (bound by her oath to HIen) or Kurenai (bound by the oath of the Ruby Princess). He’s recently come to realize that this was a form of self-sabotage and is trying to open up again.
Fearless crushes on every pretty girl she has come across, but is usually too shy or lacking in self-confidence to follow up on them. She greatly regrets never telling Minfilia how she felt about her. Her time as a Warrior of LIght and the friendship she’s built with her fellows has helped tremendously. She’s currently involved in a poly triad with two other women.
16. What does your WoL do to relax? What sorts of distractions do they seek? Do they foster any bad habits as a result?
They enjoy spending time together or with the other Scions. If they’re at a point when they need to be alone, they’ll do the following.
Franks likes to tinker, build things, or solve arcanima problems. He can sometimes get wrapped up in any of those and lose track of time. He’s also prone to hiding away to avoid socializing.
Rheika will generally find someone to take to bed if she’s really stressed, otherwise she’s fine just hanging with people
Depending on his mood, Dahkar will either find a monster to fight (never something he’s not confident he can beat) or leap to whatever the highest place he can find is and just enjoy the view.
Fearless enjoys reading novels, but as of late prefers spending time with her girlfriends.
17. Who is their favorite Alliance leader? Who do they get along with the best out of them?
Counting only the 5 members of the Eorzean Alliance, in order from most to least....
1. Lyse - because she’s one of them, come on
2. (tie) Merlwyb/Aymeric - because they are good people who have the strength to move their nation forward to a better place
3. Nanamo - she’s trying to make Ul’dah better, at least, even if she isn’t able to affect change. Plus she’s not doing enough to address corruption in the Brass Blades
4. Kan-E-Senna - she seems entirely content to leave her people at the mercy of elementals and isn’t doing NEAR enough to address racial inequality in Gridania
18. Does your WoL fully embrace their role as the WoL or do they try to remain humble?
For the most part, they’re humble, but all of them are not afraid to use their titles/fame to get what they need or to make someone’s life better if they can do so.
19. What do they think of the Heaven's Ward?
The only ones they really got to know were the two that tried to condemn Alphinaud and Tataru for “heresy” and the one who attacked them when they were meeting with Hilda. Those were...not positive experiences. That, coupled with the fact that all of them willingly followed the Archbishop into summoning Primals into themselves pretty much sealed their opinion on the rest.
20. Of all the places they've been to, which is their favorite? Do they like to go back there?
Franks enjoys spending time in Ishgard, both because the manufactory is there and he enjoys collaborating with the other machinists and because he really enjoys working on the Restoration of the Firmament.
Rheika enjoys being in Mor Dhona and the Crystarium the most. It’s full of people all working together for the same end, and she’s happy being a part of it and doing her part to help.
Dahkar also loves Mor Dhona, but he’s found going back to the Far East oddly soothing. He feels a connection to the Azim Steppe, despite not really knowing what it means to live there, he wants to learn.
Fearless has made Kugane her home, thanks in part to her one of her girlfriends living there and the other currently on an extended tour there as well.
21. Are there any raid storylines (Ivalice, Coil of Bahamut, Werlyt, etc.) you consider to be canon for your WoL? Which ones don't you consider canon?
I consider all of them to be canon, save potentially the NieR crossover alliance raids. Honestly, the entire story of that place just felt so odd and out of place that I didn’t really enjoy it, and I’m tempted just to say it didn’t happen. Everything else, though? Absolutely canonical.
22. Do you have a unique tale for their job class or is it pretty much like what it is in the game?
Most of them are pretty much as they were in the game, though I have some personal headcanons on how Arcanima and the Paladin job work, the latter of which I’ve explored in one of my fics. The former will be somewhat explained in the current longform fic I’m working on.
23. Are there any side quest storylines that you're particularly fond of or think of as being canon to your WoL's experiences?
Aside from the raids, alliance raids, and trial series, which 21 covered, I’d say all of the Beast tribe quests, the Scholasticate quests (which I suppose means Hildibrand has to be canon too), and most of the sidequesting in Sui-no-Sato are all canon experiences.
24. Does your WoL have any phobias?
None of them have any real strange or irrational fears of note, not that I’ve been able to think of that make sense to the characters, anyway.
25. Do they have any habits or rituals that they do to soothe themselves? I.e. Playing with their hair, chewing their lip, fidgeting, etc.
Franks will absentmindedly fidget with a tool or some spare parts. He’s actually built a small gadget that has some switches and buttons that do nothing for this purpose.
Rheika is restless and prefers to move while thinking. She tends to bounce a leg if she has to sit still too long.
Dahkar is pretty capable of concentrating without needing any kind of habit to aid in it.
Fearless tends to bottle it up until she can release it in private, either by meditating or dancing, depending on her level of anxiety and privacy expectations
26. Do they suffer any traumas from any of their adventures? How do you foresee this affecting them going forward?
Fearless was actually persuaded to pick of the Astrologian job thanks to the trauma of the banquet. She wanted to be able to predict anything that awful from happening to her and her friends again.
LIkewise Dahkar was so traumatized by that (and the Braves’ betrayal), it was the final catalyst needed for him to be open to his Darkside and become a Dark Knight. He’s also the one most affected by Haurchefant’s death, and as I explained earlier, it’s subconsciously kept him from going after other romantic relationships
Rheika had nightmares about Tesleen for months, and they were made worse when she herself nearly became a sin eater. She practiced quick drawing her bow and hitting accurate long distance shots for a long time after that, wanting to be prepared to save someone from that kind of distance if she had to.
Franks has dealt with enough trauma in his previous life that a lot of what he’s seen on Hydaelyn doesn’t affect him as much as it otherwise might.
27. How did the events of Shadowbringers impact them?
Rheika was the only one present for the events of 5.0, and my headcanon is that she wasn’t able to get home until after Hades was defeated. She felt alone and adrift without her fellow Warriors, and the trauma she endured did not help matters. Seeing them summoned to aid her was a balm on her soul, and when Franks figured out how to get the others to the First a little before the events of the Eden raid, she was overjoyed.
28. Were they suspicious or open to Emet-Selch's presence when he first appeared?
Rheika never believed he had good intentions. She always expected him to betray them at some point, but there didn’t seem to be much she COULD do before that happened. Even after he rescued Y’shtola, that was never enough for her trust.
29. Did your WoL suspect anything was amiss with Urianger or the Crystal Exarch? Did they feel betrayed? Upset? When the truth finally emerged?
Rheika immediately recognized G’raha Tia (”I mean he wasn’t even TRYING to change his voice!”), but she assumed there was a reason he was hiding from her, and she trusted Urianger’s vision. When the truth came out, she was angry about being lied to. She understood their reasoning, but threated to beat the crap out of both of them if they ever tried something like that again.
30. What was their highest point in Shadowbringers? Their lowest? What caused it?
High point - ending Hades. Low Point - failing to save Tesleen
31. What were their first impressions of Hien?
Aside from Rheika and Dahkar finding him very hot, they were all very impressed by his willingness to sacrifice his own life if his people chose not to fight any longer
32. Did they trust Asahi right away? Why or why not?
Not right away, no. None of them are quick to trust Garlean officials, and Asahi felt way too slimy. None of them were all together surprised with how things turned out, save for when Maxima agreed to abide by the exchange after everything went south.
33. How did they feel about what happened with Yotsuyu? Did they feel like she was justified in her actions?
All of them felt bad for Yotsuyu’s horrible upbringing (and have made it VERY clear to Hien that he needs to make sure the new Doma does NOT allow for this to happen again), but accept that she made the choices she did and that ultimately, she needed to be stopped.
34. Would you say your WoL is fundamentally a good person? Or are they a bad person that's been persuaded to do the right things?
All of them are absolutely good people fundamentally. They know they’re the only ones that can fight the ridiculous battles they get into, and they’re okay with doing it, because ultimately, they want to save lives.
35. How do they feel about the fact that they've killed a lot of people and/or things?
They all understand that for every life they have to take, it means more are safe, sound, and happy down the road. All of their choices are made with that goal in mind.
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