#M and K shouldn't havr to feel like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-s-h-f-l-a-m-e · 1 year

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its that time of night again. Right when everything is fine and okay. You're okay, you're fine, maybe even laughing. Then ...You remember something. Faint, from the past - - This one, and That One. And you laugh to yourself, and then it really hits you -- And you feel that terrifying weight, Always when things are quiet, and when things are good: It rears its ugly fucking head and it makes me feel sick to my stomach --

no matter how much time has passed, no matter what happens, the thoughts are always swarming, deep in the back . And when things are quiet, and when things are good: It rears its ugly fucking head and it makes me feel sick to my stomach

What if, despite everything, despite what i tell and remind myself... What if i'm bad, too?

....

But now -- I'm not alone now, right? I felt...A sense of relief, but also.... deep fear. I havent had the best experiences when i talk about myself and my experiences -- And now theres . others like me, they...They who understand. They who probably go through the same things as i do -- they would understand my feelings ! others. who .... know. and. understand, who know how i feel and experience the same thing as Us.

....Why then? Why am i so fucking

AFRAID?

Its goddamn paralyzing.

Its the ways they've treated me, the things theyve said... Thw sudden assumptions, the jokes, the insults for things that arent your fault, that, because something may be your foundation and basis doesnt mean you're like it or what it came from -- And people . dont understand that . and . thats what i have trouble with . all of it builds and adds to the weight

I'm afraid. But theres others going through the same things as me, some less some more. I was. Excited, mixed with the fear, i was excited to have connection... But then the terror hit. And even worse guilt. While the others may feel it is a happy place for them -- which im glad it is, and that they feel happy and safe to talk to others, but.....

I. I I can't bring myself to talk to ANY of them and ESPECIALLY not any 🧡 - How can i?! I tried and my head spun and i spiraled worse. They're.. THEY'RE not bad. They're like .. Me. Theyre going through the samr things as i am . And i know THEY'RE not bad but it HURTS and

im TOO fucking afraid

WHO THE FUCK wants to see ME anyways?! .......After everything that happened- i wouldn't blame them for not wanting to see me around. I know i may not be the first one people wanna see or talk to , but, we're. Not...not all of us are like. like That. i certainly . wasnt.

i saw a single damn picture out of the blue and it stabbed me like a knife and i cried for like 10 fuckimng minutes and . th.theyre not bad -- They're like me. so then wny can't i bring myself to talk to them about it? maybe it can bring Them comfort . I.... It hurts .

it hurts

and it always fucking will

and even when they say its okay and they wanna talk to / meet any of us do they really mean any of us? i....i know some of 🧡 want to see me . Maybe... Maybe some of them do, but even then ...I...I can't . I'm.. Scared.

....

Its different with 🖤🧡 -- completely . but . i feel bad . because i feel like i'm putting the blame on them --- they're . not bad .

. i want to talk to others from other places and mine but i...im scared and even when i see they want to talk to me i Can't .

And even now, i found someone to talk to, and i can't even brin g myself to do it . it hurts.

#ash.txt #vague #vent #M and K are afraid too. Like i am .#they shouldnt have to fucking feel this way . they shouldnt have to feel afraid to reach out like i do . they shouldnt feel guilty for #shit that isnt their fault . or . or minbe .#i say this and yet i tried to talk to one of #of 🧡 and i spiralled and it hurt an i felt worse and i felt bad because im just doinf the same thing they arent Bad they feel the same way #i do #they feel bad the same way i do for the thing that is the basis of our being and foundation and #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #M and K shouldn't havr to feel like this #tbey deserve peace .#but do i ?#do i?

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