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dramaticlester · 3 years

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Miles of skin

summary: there’s so much dan loves, it’s hard to list it all

genre: fluff,

warnings:swearing, sexual scenes (not too detailed), lots of body imagery

hair

When Dan was 18 and dreaming up his ideal partner, it never started with black, straight hair. It was usually blonde, maybe slightly ginger, and swept away from their face. his ideal man was a model. he thought of them stood on a beach, perhaps, their hair blowing in the wind. jaw strong and chiselled, Dan much smaller, nestled in their arms like a prize.

But Phil, he wasn’t like that. Phil had hair as black as anything, in a straight fringe across his forehead. he wasn’t a chiselled model, and he certainly wasn’t much taller than Dan. when he stood on the beach, he squinted and complained that his glasses were going to blow away, and took time to swipe his hair away from said glasses. Dan couldn’t stand nestled under his arm, more like the other way round. but Phil was special. As Dan got older, he realised that the perfect guy wasn’t perfect. His Phil wasn’t perfect, either. But he was the closest, he thinks, he could ever get. He didn’t want perfect, anymore, he wanted his Phil. His Phil with the stupid straight emo hair that, when he got older, started being pushed into a quiff. Phil looked sexy with a quiff.

eyes

Dan had never been one for beautiful eyes. he didn’t look into someone’s eyes and feel taken away by their colour, or shape, or size. when he was younger, he struggled to look into people’s eyes, anyway, preferring to cast his gaze between their eyebrows or down at the floor. he struggled to feel any connections and he certainly did not believe eyes could hold pain or happiness. he just didn’t believe it. he hated his own eyes, too. he hated their colour and the almond shape, his obnoxiously long eyelashes that curled into his eyes sometimes and hurt. but, then he met Phil.

it was when Dan saw a picture of Phil that he started to doubt his own intuition. you could go swimming in those eyes he thought. in fact, he commented it, right there on the very photo. the camera he used for YouTube did no justice. when they met, it was the first pair of eyes Dan could look straight into. the first pair he could see love brimming in, focused solely on him. Dan was elated. it was the first pair he saw the pain in, shown by shed tears as they hugged goodbye at the train station. it was the first he saw untainted happiness in when Dan agreed to move in with him after announcing he would be attending Manchester university. they were, undoubtedly, just eyes. but my god, they were the most beautiful pair Dan had ever seen. though, Phil.s favourite activity was to argue that Dan's were, in fact, the “most beautiful plus 1.”

lips

Dan always thought lips were just lips. he didn’t understand why he was so chapped, he didn’t understand why people got injections to plump them up, he didn’t understand at all. the only time he really concentrated on people’s lips was when he couldn’t be bothered listening to what they were saying, so he’d lip-read instead, albeit rather unsuccessfully. he never looked at someone and thought fuck, they should do something about that or wow I wish I could kiss them. well, until he met Phil, of course.

after he’d noticed Phil's eyes, his gaze wandered down to his lips. plump and inviting, pink and so smooth. Dan suddenly felt the need to apply five tubs of Vaseline. he stared at Phil’s lips the day they met, and not just to lip read. Phil didn’t really hint at much, but Dan saw how his lips curved into a smirk, obviously. they’d gotten on the Manchester eye, hands clasped between them. Dan thought he’d been subtle. Phil had bitten his lip, Dan had reciprocated without thinking. that’s when he was kissed. soft and gentle, unsure yet so passionately. it was wonderful, chapped against smooth. Dan reiterated his apologies for his chapped lips. Phil laughed and stroked his thumb along the bottom one, pulling it and watching it ping back into place. another gentle kiss. you’re perfect.

neck

Dan didn’t have a neck kink, he told himself, he just found it really fucking arousing when someone kissed his neck. or if he was indulging himself alone, or perhaps on Skype to Phil, he swiped his thumb along the side now and then, gasping at the spark of unadulterated pleasure. but he didn’t have a neck kink. Phil changed things for him, though.

the first time they made love was wonderful. Dan experienced things he’d never felt, just taking and taking from Phil's body, only able to emit the smallest gasps of love. Phil gave it all to him, never held back. he showed Dan what he’d been missing.

they were moulded together, one entity. Phil buried deep inside him, his head tugged into his neck as he whispered encouraging words. Dan’s eyes were squeezed shut, alleviating his senses most deliciously. that’s when Phil had whimpered against his neck, the blow of hot hair making Dan tip his head back and let out an almost scream. a quiet scream, no doubt. Phil had smirked, pulling back to look at Dan’s face (which was turning more crimson by the second.)

“you’re beautiful,” Phil had whispered, kissing the corner of Dan’s mouth before moving back to his neck. he started kissing at first, barely applying much pressure, revelling in the short intake of breath from Dan’s mouth. then he applied more pressure before he was nibbling at Dan’s neck, moving along until he found the place that made Dan tense up, letting out a shrill moan and a large breath of air. Phil kept at this spot, sucking and sucking until the mark bloomed up against the pale skin of Dan’s neck.

Dan had come with a shout and then a whisper of Phil's name, Phil's mouth against his neck and his tip pressing against the most sensitive place inside of him. Dan vowed to never let anyone love him the way Phil did ever again.

shoulders

shoulders were never something Dan thought about. they usually resided underneath someone's clothes, occasionally flexing when the person lifted something or wrote. it was never anything special, nothing that made Dan want to strike up a conversation with a person or beg them to pin him down to a mattress. they were shoulders.

when he met Phil, he noticed that Phil's shoulders were broad. they were the type of shoulders you would associate with a man, though stereotypical. when Dan hugged him for the first time, he allowed himself to notice the muscle under his shirt, allowing his hands to find a home on top of them when they pulled away, not-so-discretely squeezing. Phil was his boyfriend, his man. he was the one Dan cuddled up to, a hand placed over his heart, head bracketed between Phil's chin and his shoulders, loved and protected from the whole world. dan felt pretty damn undefeatable with his head nestled there. he was the one who let Dan throw his arms around his neck when he was happy or encased him when he cried or screamed. he was the one who used the strength within those shoulders and arms to carry Dan to bed when he fell asleep on the sofa. he was nothing less than the love of dance life and his shoulders, though minor, were strong. they were Dan’s favourite place to sleep and his favourite place to wake up.

tummy

Phil always joked over messenger about actually having a dad bod hidden beneath the camera.

“id love you all the same,” Dan insisted every time, fondness twinkling in his eyes. Phil would smirk, leaning closer to the camera with his tongue caught between his teeth. Dan longed to be with him.

when Dan saw the first full body picture of Phil, his jaw literally dropped. Phil was beautiful, Dan had known that even just from looking at his face, but seeing his whole body was something Dan kept locked in his mind all the time. Phil was hot. not just hot, but hot. he was something Dan would've never dreamed of because his mind wasn't capable of conjuring something so wonderful. Phil had sent it to him shyly, telling Dan to check his messages whilst they were on Skype. Dan had stared at the picture for too long, only remembering he was on a video call when he heard Phil cough. he looked up just in time to see Phil cast his eyes down, blushing and his lip pulled between his teeth.

“you're fucking beautiful, Phil Lester,” Dan had whimpered, tears in his eyes. “I want to be with you so bad right now.”

“what, you don't think I'm too fat, hm?” Phil had whispered. Dan suddenly realised all of his jokes, were actually issues. Dan had stared at the screen, not quite sure what to say, not quite sure how to articulate what a fucking masterpiece Phil Lester was.

“I say this with all the love I can muster,” Dan had said. “shut the fuck up.”

Phil had giggled, finally looking back at Dan.

“Phil, how’d I get so lucky?” Dan settled on, shaking his head in disbelief.

Phil had never needed to complain about his appearance after that, because every day, Dan told him he was beautiful.

to this day in 2020, Dan tells him he's beautiful. whether its when Dan wakes up first and watches Phil for a while before carding a hand through his hair and muttering a “you're pretty, Lester,” or whether it's after a shower when Phil's skin is dry and flaky, and he's squinting trying to see through the fog without his glasses (Dan will usually slip his glasses back on, kiss the tip of his nose, unravel the towel from around his waist, and drop to his knees. Phil doesn't need words at times like this.)

legs

growing up, Dan had always had little stumpy legs that kept him below shoulder height of everyone. people made jokes about how his little legs couldn’t keep up in the playground, or his mother would tell him his legs were too little to climb the trees, and the workers at the fair told him he could ride when he grew a few more inches. it was frustrating for Dan... well until he hit 14. it was as if overnight, he became a lanky 6-foot-something lad, who didn’t quite know how to control his long limbs, constantly carving his shin off the coffee table and walking into open doors because he couldn’t see them at eye level. Dan hated long legs. well... his own.

Phil was also 6-foot-something. if Dan thought he was tall when he met Phil he was the short one. he had to look up at Phil and when they hugged, Dan's head just about reached his shoulder. Dan loved to run his hands up and down Phil’s legs when they were lying together on the bed, Phil giggling and tugging at Dan’s fringe with a “get back up here.” Dan wasn’t sure what it was, but Phil’s legs set off some kind of primal, animalistic urge within him. he wanted to cover every inch with his lips, kiss and nip his shins till they were red, suck on his thighs and leave bruises that still wouldn’t be faded by the time he got back to Manchester. he loved to hang behind Phil so he could watch how his legs moved, long and lean as he took clumsy steps downstairs or long strides down the streets of London. he loved to watch Phil try to fold his legs up in the bathtub, insisting that they could both fit. even when Dan's legs length surpassed Phi’ls, he was never quite as mesmerised. Phil's favourite part of Dan's body was probably his thighs, as he spent most of his time caressing them and squeezing and kissing them, but Dan didn’t understand how he could love Dan's so much, but hate his own. it was something they could argue about though when they lay sated and naked, curled up together.

“I love your thighs,” Phil would mutter.

“Yeah, well, I love yours more,” Dan would grin, kissing the top of his head.

“in this essay, I will explain why yours are better...” Phil would joke. they never took it much further though, just silently knowing that they were right.

bum

Dan kind of understands this one. he wouldn’t date someone based off their ass, but it didn’t hurt to feel the appeal. Dan's own wasn’t too flat until he crammed it into his obnoxiously tight skinny jeans that pushed it down so much that it looked like nothing. he didn't mind though, anything for fashion. Phil would usually pout quite a bit though, pulling Dan forward by the belt loops and kissing him, trying to sneakily undo the button and tug them back down.

“looser ones,” Phil always murmured against Dan's lips, crossing his arms when Dan would roll his eyes at him.

“what do I do for you?” Dan would sigh dramatically, kicking them off and putting Phil's favourite pair on.

but Phil's ass was perfect. it was impossible to crush as, even when he’d wear a pair of Dan's jeans, it was still there. Dan usually always slapped his ass when he bent over as a joke, giggling as Phil would jump and whine “Dan!” Dan couldn’t help it though.

when they kissed, his hands usually started on the small of Phil’s back. ever since he’d grown, Phil’s go to was to stand on tippy toes so he could reach around Dan's neck, insisting it brought them closer together when Dan would complain that his back hurt. he was only joking really though, as this way, when it got heated, Dan could move his hands down over the curve of Phil's ass, pulling him closer to press flush against each other, or even grind their bodies together if things got especially heated. it was just a wonderful part of Phil that Dan loved so much (especially whenever he was big spoon at night time and he could feel it pushed up against his body)

everything

Before they met, Dan never appreciated the beauty of the human body. with Phil, he appreciated it. because contained within that body, was the most beautiful soul, the funniest personality and the most gentle, loving giant he’d ever known. It was the perfect body for Dan’s favourite person in the whole world. He wouldn’t change a thing about it, ever. from his brilliant blue eyes down to the tips of his toes, Phil was beautiful, inside and out.

and Dan never tried to stop himself from falling deeper in love every day..

#phandom #phan #phanfiction #Dan and Phil #danhowell #phil lester #cute #body positive #love #lovers #dramaticlester

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frozenprocedural · 3 years

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[100: "Okay fine, one more story, but then you really have to go to bed."] Pretty please?

Sorry, this took me so long to finish! But it’s a fantastic tie-in to TDOE! So here’s my submission for TDOE “Scarf”. This takes place in @the-spaztic-fantastic‘s “Tale of Two Cities” verse, particularly following her story “In Troubled Times”. Go read it, it’s amazing. I really do hope I do the verse justice. My first time trying to write a bit of Agduna.

Alarik, Jenny and Dag belong to @patricia-von-arundel.

Scarf

"Bes'mor? I can't sleep."

Iduna looked up from her book to see Jenny toddle in, dragging her well-loved stuffed frog behind her. Iduna set the book aside and opened her arms, helping Jenny clamber onto her lap, both of them settling back into the overstuffed recliner.

"Can't sleep, little one? That's no good." Iduna stroked a hand through her granddaughter's soft hair, already forming into distinctive curls like Alarik's. But her face- tipped upwards- was all Elsa's. Iduna could see the fear and worry Jenny was trying to hide.

Iduna knew exactly what was on Jenny's mind, because it had been on everyone's mind for the past two days.

……………….

"MAMA!"

The scream jolted Iduna awake. Next to her, Agnarr uttered a sleepy, questioning grunt. Her own foggy mind tried to figure out what was going on- why the scream felt wrong. Was Jenny…

No, that wasn't Jenny. That was Elsa.

Elsa, screaming in agony.

Iduna threw off the covers, rushing down the hall faster than she knew she was able to. She heard Agnarr struggling to extract himself, but her only concern was Elsa. Her daughter needed her.

When she got to Elsa's childhood bedroom, Iduna saw her daughter curled about her swollen middle, shaking and moaning in pain.

"Elsa? What's wrong?"

Elsa looked up, and from the faint light of the streetlights, Iduna could see her pupils were dilated, and tears coursed down her cheeks.

"Mama, it hurts. It hurts so much." Elsa's voice was soft, almost childlike. She hadn't called Iduna "Mama" in decades.

Swallowing back her own panic, Iduna switched on the light and came to Elsa's side. It was then that she saw the blood spreading across the sheets.

…………

"I don't like the tubes an' straws."

Iduna blinked, struggling to pull herself out of memories and back to reality.

"Tubes and straws? What do you mean?"

Jenny curled up, tucking her head against Iduna's chest. "Mama had them. In her arms. They were scary." Her voice was muffled, but Iduna could hear the tremble in her words.

"Oh, little one, that is rather scary, isn't it?" Iduna reached behind her and pulled down the well-worn shawl, knitted by her own mother. She wrapped it around Jenny, making sure to tuck the ends in, quickly wiping the tears that threatened to leak out.

If she was honest with herself, the wires and tubes frightened Iduna as well.

………………

"Mister and Missus Runardsund?"

Iduna startled, so lost in her thoughts she'd failed to hear the nurse approach. Next to her, Agnarr all but shot up, tension in every line of his body. The nurse- Leisel, Iduna remembered- gave him a wary look.

Not that Iduna blamed her. Agnarr had… lost his temper when Leisel prevented him from going past the waiting room when Elsa was brought in. Iduna admired the nurse- few could stand up to her husband like she had- completely unfazed despite him being well over a foot taller than her.

Iduna rose slowly, feeling the dread grow. Her traitorous mind conjured the awful dialogue- "I'm so sorry, but there was nothing we could do…"

Were they to lose both their daughter and grandchild?

It took a second for Iduna to realize that Leisel was speaking.

"...significant blood loss, however, we were able to stop it, and Elsa made it through the surgery. We have her in an ICU room right now, but we are hopeful that this will be temporary. Her baby was taken to the NICU. Unfortunatly at this time, I can only allow one guest in the room. By tomorrow, we'll be able to increase the visitor limit, but for now- I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Iduna murmured, feeling it was anything but, "It's hospital policy. Agnarr, do you…?"

He shook his head, reaching out to take her hand. "Go. I'll be down in a bit to switch with you. Go see our daughter."

Iduna nodded, then turned to follow Lesiel. Along the way, Lesiel gave her more information, speaking about vitals and statistics that Iduna only half-listened to. Eventially they stopped in front of a closed door. Leseil placed her hand on the door handle and looked up.

"I do want to warn you, Missus Runardsund, it may be difficult to see your daughter right now. We have her connected to several machines, so I want to make sure you know what you'll be seeing."

Iduna felt her throat constrict. "Let… let me see her, please."

Lesiel nodded and pushed open the door.

She wished Agnarr had come with her. Because no amount of pharmaceutical knowledge, no warning from Lesiel, could prevent Iduna from staggering and sucking in a sharp breath.

A veritable web of wires and tubes sprouted from Elsa's body, snaking to various machines that whirred, buzzed and beeped. Her skin was pale, even for Elsa, with a grayish tinge and bruises already growing where the needles sunk in.

Iduna made her way to the bedside, taking Elsa's hand in her own, trying to ignore how cold and clammy it was. Tried to see her daughter past the mechanics keeping her alive.

Tried to keep hope.

………….

"Can you read me a story?"

Iduna smiled, almost relieved. She often wished she had her granddaughter's ability to move on quickly. Even though Iduna had already read a story earlier in the evening, she certainly wouldn't deny her another one.

"Okay fine, one more story, but then you really have to go to bed."

Jenny made a small sound of triumph as Iduna stood, making her way over to the section of the bookshelf she and Agnarr ensured to be well-stocked with children's stories. Freeing a hand, Iduna ran a finger over the titles until she found one that made her smile. Pulling it out, Iduna returned to the rocker and situated Jenny back on her lap, making sure the shawl was wrapped comfortably about her. Iduna put on her reading glasses and showed Jenny the title.

"Guess How Much I Love You!" Jenny cheered. "I love this book!"

"Oh, I know. I gave your copy to your Mama when you were still in her belly. Now, let's begin…"

…………..

Iduna lowered Jenny into bed, brushing away a strand of flyaway hair and lightly tucking the blankets around her. Jenny took after Elsa with blankets- she didn't use many, and by morning, they were often in a heap on the floor, no matter what the temperature. Iduna didn't remove the shawl- Jenny needed it more than she did.

"She's asleep?"

Agnarr’s voice was pitched low and quiet- Jenny didn't so much as stir. Iduna nodded and made one last check to ensure Frog and Chicken were cuddled close before rising- her knees got worse each year, she swore. She joined Agnarr in the hall, leaving the door open just enough they could hear Jenny if need be.

"She video-chatted with Elsa today. She said the IV and monitor lines scared her."

Agnarr pulled her close, resting his head atop hers. "They scare me. But from what Alarik said today, she won't need them in too much longer."

Iduna curled her head into his chest, breathing deeply, taking comfort in his solid form. She could feel tears leaking from her eyes. Agnarr rubbed her back, murmuring softly in Norwegian, calming her.

The sound of the front door opening broke them apart, and they both came to the landing to see Alarik stagger in. He was haggard-looking, with stubble covering his face and neck, and deep shadows under his eyes. Iduna rushed down to meet him, and he gave her a weak smile.

"How is Jenny?"

"She's doing okay. She just went to sleep a few minutes ago." Iduna was helping Alarik remove his jacket and saw the concerned look on his face. No good trying to hide anything from him.

"The monitoring equipment on Elsa scared her when they video-chatted today. So we read a story together, and she was able to fall asleep."

Alarik looked blankly at her for a few seconds, then sank to the step, dropping his face into his hands. His shoulders shook, and Iduna could hear soft, broken sobs.

"Oh, Alarik." She sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around him the best she could. "There, there, let it out. Just let it all out." Alarik didn't lift his head, but he did lean into her, and Iduna couldn't help but to wonder how long he'd been keeping everything bottled up, to keep a strong appearance for everyone.

He was too much like his father-in-law for his own good sometimes.

Agnarr settled on the step behind them, wrapping an arm around Iduna, and, after a moment's hesitation, Alarik as well. For how long they sat like that, Iduna wasn't sure, but then a soft voice spoke over Alarik's quieting sobs.

"Papa? Are you okay?"

They all looked up simultaneously to see Jenny at the top of the stairs, wrapped in the shawl. She padded down the stairs and squeezed her way to Alarik's open side, removing the shawl and doing her best to put it over his shoulders. Iduna caught the other end and adjusted it. Alarik sniffed and pulled his daughter close.

"I'm sorry, Eldig. It's… it's been a long day for me."

"You're tired?"

Alarik wiped away the tears clinging to his cheeks and nodded. "I am, Eldig. Quite tired."

Jenny took his hand, tugging. "Let's go to bed, Papa."

Iduna stood up with Alarik, motioning with her head for Agnarr, who was watching the scene with an unreadable look, to move. "That's a very good idea, Jenny. In fact, do you think you can share your bed with Papa tonight?" When Alarik opened his mouth, she raised an eyebrow. "You need to be together tonight." She was glad at that moment that she and Agnarr had kept the full bed in Anna's old room, even though it often looked like Jenny was being eaten by it.

Jenny nodded enthusiastically, pulling Alarik's hand. "Come on Papa, we'll have a sleepover!" Alarik gamely allowed himself to be led up the stairs, turning to mouth 'Thank you' to Iduna.

Agnarr's hand found hers, and she squeezed it. "I think it's time for all of us to get some rest."

Iduna followed his lead up the stairs, back to their room. She peeked into Anna's old room as they passed, finding Jenny already curled into Alarik's side. He looked already half-asleep, but he gave her a small smile before tucking the shawl around Jenny.

Iduna smiled back. They would be alright. It would take time, but they would be alright.

#TDOE 2020 #TDOE #Elsarik #Agduna

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thecineastes-blog · 7 years

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Grand Prix RPDR RuView: Material Gurlz (S06E06)

Dust off your vintage cone bra from the closet! For Grand Prix RPDR RuView, we’ll be giving you the overview of each episode, top moments of each episode, the shadiest moment of each episode, our favorite queen of the each episode, our least favorite queen of each episode, best looks on the runway, and our predictions for next week.

So the episode begins on a rather somber note. For the first time this season the lipstick farewell message was read aloud, Eureka’s was especially heartfelt. But all these warm feelings were cut short when Farrah asks Nina Bo’Nina a rather pointed question, “Do you even want to be here?” But before things could really get heated Shea defused the situation. Farrah’s question, however inappropriate for the moment is very valid. All we have heard from Nina is how she thinks people are trying to sabotage her.

One of the best moments of this season is Peppermint coming out as a Transgender Woman. I think Peppermint will be a great advocate for the Trans community. I am so happy she felt comfortable enough to live in her truth. Unlike instances in other seasons where a contestant has come out as Trans, this was taken more seriously and less for dramatic effect. Peppermint is a trans woman of color, who performs as a Drag Queen. She has spoken about how some Trans people are against Drag Queens and how some Drag Queens are combative with Trans people.

Now let’s get to what we have been waiting for this ENTIRE season (and no I don’t mean my intervention…) SNATCH GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! American Horror Story’s Dennis O’Hare and Drag legend Candis Cayne were the contestants on the show. I’m glad they chose some more animated guests, because the supermodels from last season were so boring.

Now I’ll just say this, Snatch Game has become the be all to end all for RPDR; this challenge separates the tops for the bottoms of the season. And most importantly, BE FUNNY! BUT just because someone bombs Snatch Game does not mean they will no win (Tyra Sanchez) and just because someone wins Snatch Game, does not mean they will even make it to top three (Tatianna and Stacy Layne Matthews).

So the queens (from best to worst):

Alexis Michelle as Liza Minnelli

I’m actually surprised that no one had never impersonated Liza before in all 9 nine seasons (and 2 All Stars Seasons) of the shows; though Mrs. Kasha Davis has said she would have done Liza for Snatch Game had she made it that far. Classically Liza is one of the major Gay icons that is rather shocking no one did yet (I’m still waiting for Judy Garland, Bette Midler, and Barbra Streisand). Alexis was definitely able to capture Liza’s funny manic personality. She was definitely one of the saving graces of the episode. I also recommend watching Liza Minnelli’s appearance on HSN from a few years that’s on YouTube.

Shea Couleé as Naomi Campbell

I was really hoping Shea was going to be Grace Jones. But Naomi is just as good! She was quick with the quips and had a great British accent. I just wished she threw that cellphone at someone! Now I want her and Raja (as Tyra Banks) to do some videos together.

Nina Bo’nina Brown as Jasmine Masters

It was rather fitting that Nina decided on RPDR alum Jasmine Masters. Nina was able to embody Jasmine’s dissonance and cold indifference. I hope the judges were able to see Nina in a different light after this episode.

Sashsa Velour as Marlene Dietrich

Sasha was very strong as Dietrich; she was able to give a funny, phony German accent (reminiscent of Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles). It would have nice to have some have some jokes about Marlene never having a German sausage she did not enjoy. And it is true, Teutonic Bisexuals do make the most forceful and unforgettable lovers.

Trinity Taylor as Amanda Lepore

Trinity did a good job as Amanda, but it was nothing groundbreaking. She asked where were Cynthia’s jokes...I wanted to ask Trinity the same thing.

Valentina as Miss Colombia

Valentina was humorous, even though the character was rather one note.

Aja as Alyssa Edwards

This was a swing and a miss. This seems to be the big unwritten rule of RPDR, DO NOT impersonate an alumni unless it is HILARIOUS; I think it was especially jarring since Nina as Jasmine Masters was so much more entertaining. I was hoping that Aja would have done Rosie Perez, or with the way, her makeup could have been Telenovela star, Itatí Cantoral. Itatí Cantoral would have been even that more overly dramatic and hilarious. Also, Aja’s second choice was Crystal LaBeija.

That would have been a great history lesson for everyone who is not aware of LaBeija, and how modern Ballroom culture owes so much to her.

Farrah Moan as Gigi Gorgeous

I had NO idea who Gigi was prior to this episode...and unfortunately, Farrah was dry as month old toast. There were no zingers, just a lot of her smiling and throwing makeup around.

Peppermint as Nene Leakes

As much as I love Peppermint, this was so hard to watch! Like in the earlier acting challenge, Pepper kept flubbing her lines. And We barely got ANY of Nene’s quips. This was a definite Xanadont.

Cynthia Lee Fontaine as Sofia Vergara

This is arguably the WORST Snatch Game performance in the show’s herstory. Cynthia was so scatterbrained; her long tangents were not funny, just torturous. I’m glad she was not called on much.

Fashion Over-Ru:

Category is Night of a 1,000 Madonnas-the sequel. I'm so glad they decided to do this runway again after #KimonoGate of the last season-although they technically had a celebrity inspired look in episode 1 with Lady Gaga. First up on the runway was Aja, in a look inspired by Madge’s Who’s That Gir Tour. It was kind of just a basic look, it lacked a lot of refinement and detail.

Also, I get that Aja doesn't (or rarely) pads or breasts, but I feel like she needed something to fill out the top portion of the dress-it looked a bit saggy and sad. Next up, Alexis Michelle as Breathless Mahoney from ‘Dick Tracey’. This look was flawless. Alexis can construct for the body, and she really looked identical to Madonna in that movie.

Twinsies? Next up was Peppermint as Madonna in ‘Material Girl’. I liked Peppermint’s gown and felt it was really true to the source material, but the hair made it too Marilyn Monroe. I would've gone for dirty blonde wig.

Next up was Shea Coulee...in the exact same look. Granted, Shea’s was more Shea- the black gloves and the jewels were different, also another platinum blonde Marilyn wig. These two looks were just okay. The next set of twins? Trinity and Nina Bo’Nina Brown Joan Hart, as Madonna a la the Met Gala circa 2013.

The pageboy dominatrix plaid no pants look (it was The Met Gala) was well executed by Trinity, very Tailored, although her bangs could've been an inch and a half longer (insert Trinity’s eye roll here). Nina’s look was more Nina, it was less structured and looser, with Nina’s signature breast plate and padding. I preferred Trinity’s but Nina’s was a B+ for me.

Sasha’s ‘Erotica’ look was well done but could've used a little finessing, had she added the tie and did a bra w/ padding than black pasties it would translated better.

Farrah’s SuperBowl 2012 look was spot on. It looked practically identical to Madonna’s. This look was, in my opinion, enough to compensate for her lackluster Snatch Game performance to at least save her from lip syncing.

Cynthia Lee Fontaine’s matador homage to Madonna’s Brit Awards 2015 look was good. Even her intentional slip and fall was spot on (even if it did make her look like runway roadkill). The only thing “wrong” with the look was her face, she contoured so darkly it read ‘beard’ on the runway.

Last up was Valentina as M on the cover of the Sex Book. It was naked to say the least, save for two black strips for censorship bars. This look was kind of genius, although according to the cut scenes, it looked like Valentina had a little, ahem, trouble with her lady bits.

So Peppermint and Cynthia are in the bottom two, and Peppermint shows her exceptional lip synching skills. She went in for the kill, and Cynthia was sent home packing. The best thing about Untucked, was seeing Nina’s mom.

Jonny’s Favorite Moments:

To Thine Own Self Be True: i’m really glad that Peppermint felt safe enough to tell everyone that she was Trans, and that everyone was so accepting. I really think she can the bridge that helps connect the Drag and Trans worlds.

It Takes a Village: In one of the deleted scenes pretty much everyone was trying to convince Aja to be Crystal LaBeija. I wish she had listened.

Jonny’s Favorite Shadiest Moments:

Make ‘em Laugh?: Trinity pretty much summed up this lackluster episode of Snatch Game, “Where are the jokes?!”

Dopplegangerland: WHY did this have to happen two years in a row? You should not have any duplicate looks on the mainstage! The producers should have made sure that all 13 contestants did not do the same Madonna look, even if they did not make to the Snatch Game episode. It’s Madonna, she has a million looks. I also tired of seeing these esoteric outfits she’s worn. Why has no one done “Like a Virgin” Madonna in a bridal gown?

Jonny’s Favorite Queen:

Alexis Michelle: her Liza was flawless and her Breathless Mahoney was even better. I would have also said Shea, but her and Peppermint going dutch on the same costume was unforgivable.

Jonny’s Least Favorite Queen:

Cynthia. These last few episodes, she’s been barely coasting. She was not suited for season 9.

Predictions:

Something else?

Anais’ Favorite Moments:

Original Sin: if another Queen has done a character in Snatch Game justice, don't do the same character. It was really a missed opportunity for Aja to do Alyssa when it had already been done (pretty well, I might add) by Violet Chachki when she could've done Crystal LaBeija. Also I was kind of bummed Charlie and Jaymes didn't make it Snatch Game so we could see their Joan Rivers and Rebel Wilson

How does this still happen?: Contestants should bring an extra look for runways like these just in case. (Also apparently Peppermint did? Why didn't you wear it, Pep???) There's really no excuse for two sets of identical queens with someone who has hundreds of iconic looks like Madonna. I could feel Michelle seething through the television.

Anais’s Favorite Shadiest Moments:

Laugh In: Trinity’s confessional spiel about “where are the jokes”- was the cherry on top of Cynthia’s Snatch Game train wreck.

All T, all shade: the PA’s and editors literally act as an extra shady queen. By grouping the two sets of twins to the added sound effects-I live for them.

Anais’s Favorite Queen:

Sasha Velour. I totally thought she was going to bomb Marlene Dietrich, but she was surprisingly funny.

Anais’s Least Favorite Queen:

Cynthia Lee Fontaine. I think she’s lovely and very nice but I feel like she's a queen that doesn't translate well to drag race.

Predictions:

No more celebrity runways! PLEASE.

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biofunmy · 4 years

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What If Porn Had No Pictures?

This article is part of our continuing Fast Forward series, which examines technological, economic, social and cultural shifts that happen as businesses evolve.

“I know it when I see it,” Justice Potter Stewart famously wrote in a 1964 Supreme Court case when asked to set legal parameters for “hard-core” pornography. But what do you call it — hard-core, soft-core, whatever you like — when there’s nothing to see?

“‘Erotica’ doesn’t sound as fun,” said Caroline Spiegel, a founder of Quinn, a new platform in the growing world of audio pornography. On a recent Tuesday afternoon, she was scrolling through the site at the loft in the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn where she lives and works with Jackie Hanley, her co-founder and the C.O.O. of the company.

Their goal is for Quinn to become the premier destination for nonvisual pornography, following in the footsteps of popular sites like Pornhub.com. Quinn plans to remain free for users and later this month will introduce an option to tip creators, keeping a percentage of those tips; the site also plans to experiment with advertising.

The idea came to Ms. Spiegel, 22, when she was in treatment for an eating disorder and began to experience sexual dysfunction. “Visual porn didn’t work for me,” she said. “It was too voyeuristic.”

She has found that audio porn leaves more room for subjectivity and imagination. And you can listen to it anywhere.

Ms. Spiegel clicked on one story, in which a man with a plummy British accent begins, “I love making love.” She hit pause and giggled. “You get the idea.”

The formats vary: a naughty story, a guided masturbation, an acted-out scene. Sometimes these audio stories appear in Reddit threads, blog posts and podcasts (“porncasts”?) like “Bawdy Storytelling” and “Kiss Me Quick.” Many of the creators are women.

“Visual porn is working for men,” said Gina Gutierrez, 29, a founder of Dipsea, a subscription app. Users can pay monthly ($8.99) or yearly ($47.99) for access to 175 stories, with weekly updates.

Ms. Gutierrez and her co-founder, Faye Keegan, 29, were intent on a narrative approach based on the premise that “the best sex content was hidden inside other content.”

“‘Outlander’ is a good example,” Ms. Gutierrez said. “Even ‘Fleabag’ showed sex that was real.” They couldn’t find erotica they liked, and online searches produced a lot of videos that didn’t turn them on. Ms. Gutierrez would find herself daydreaming about the Airbnb the film was shot in, rather than the sex.

Headspace, the guided meditation app, got her thinking about how audio-only programs could increase focus and, crucially, pleasure.

Dipsea’s clean design and cartoonish thumbnail drawings could be mistaken for a mindfulness product, but its stories have titles like “Worth the Wait” (Description: “When she told me she didn’t want to sleep together on the first date, I was surprised. But if she wanted to wait … I could wait. I’d do anything she asked.”). Settings include the F train and Tulum, Mexico; and there are references to indie rock concert meet-cutes.

“The big umbrella idea is approachable fantasy,” Ms. Gutierrez said.

Dipsea also has categories for gender and sexual orientation, the type of scenario (“hookup,” “role play”) and the level of raciness. The app’s demographic “sweet spot” is women who are 25 to 45.

Lucie Fleming, 25, is a voice-over actress in New York City whose experience is mostly in corporate narration and product advertising. She was also in the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority at Stanford University with Ms. Spiegel and Ms. Hanley, who approached her to join their new venture.

“This was an opportunity to perform in a way I hadn’t as an artist, and to connect with audiences in a much more intimate way than laser hair removal or internal corporate videos,” Ms. Fleming said.

There were some transitional challenges. “You don’t want it to sound too manufactured,” Ms. Fleming said. “Scripts would say, ‘moan here.’ I would try to weave that in as naturally as possible so it doesn’t sound like, ‘O.K., I’m moaning.’” But she has gotten into the groove of it and has even begun writing stories for the platform.

Another Quinn creator, Jim, 35, records audio porn under the name Feel-Good Filth. He has a day job at an international bank in Chicago, but he thinks that in a couple of years he could be making enough money to support himself through the recordings. Jim himself prefers more traditional porn. “I like visuals,” he said.

At Dipsea, professional voice actors are recorded individually for stories. Some sound effects come from an audio library. “A condom wrapper could be a candy wrapper opening,” Ms. Gutierrez said.

Birth control and active consent are addressed directly in story scripts. Ms. Spiegel said that Quinn’s policy is “no minors, no incest, no bestiality, no nonconsent — although we allow consensual nonconsent, but it’s clearly tagged.”

Dipsea takes a similar stance on consent. “It’s mandatory,” Ms. Gutierrez said, “but it doesn’t always have to be verbal. Like if the story is No. 2 in a series and it’s about a monogamous couple. If it’s a first-time encounter with two people who have never met before, it does.”

This is not just to keep up with social and political mores, but because “the whole communications thing is so core to pleasure,” she said.

With stories made by companies run by women and without unattainable bodies to compare oneself to, you could call this a more accepting and even feminist approach to porn. (Though feminists have been divided on porn for decades.)

It could also be a more disruptive format than, say, virtual reality porn, which has all of regular porn’s problems and then some.

The 35-year-old writer behind Girl on the Net, an erotica blog, lives in London and is named Sarah (“I get a lot of strange emails as is,” she said when asked to share her surname). Audio porn, she said, may also rise in popularity as users become more aware of ethical porn consumption and wary of exploiting performers.

“More people are looking to independent porn sites and paying for their video porn, as well as exploring options like audio,” she said. “It’s probably also significant that the technology required to produce audio is now much more accessible to people — setting up to record your own is easier now.”

Ms. Spiegel said that about half of Quinn’s users are men, and that the site’s most frequent search term is “lesbian.” Its most popular story involves a British man — accents are so popular that they have their own category — named Harry addressing a female paramour.

Before the unprintably hot stuff begins, he makes sure you, the target of his desire, are comfortable: “Let me take your jacket, let me help you unwind,” he says. “Let’s get those heels off.”

Sahred From Source link Fashion and Style

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eddievenomsbrocks · 5 years

Text

The Beginnings

Abilities

Expert Reporter (Eddie): Eddie Brock is an incredibly skilled investigative reporter for the Daily Bugle (prior he was fired from the Daily Globe for digging too deep). He also has many sources of information that aids him in his work.

Skilled Hand-to-Hand Combatant (Venom): Although he's had no proper training, Eddie is a formidable hand-to-hand combatant when Venom is in control.

Venom Symbiote: Venom has completed symbioses with the host, Eddie Brock. This grants Eddie: Superhuman Strength, Speed, Durability, Stamina, Reflexes.

Other Abilities:

Accelerated Healing: The alien symbiote has fast acting healing abilities, almost like oil when disrupted, it can form right back from where it was hit. Unless disrupted with sonic sound waves or intense heat.

Spider Sense Immunity: The alien symbiote is able to blend into his surroundings. The ultimate predator - it can only be located by heat signatures or sound. This disrupts Spider-Sense (precognition).

Night Vision: The alien symbiote is able to see perfectly in the dark, using echolocation, bouncing sound off the environment to see.

Wall Crawling: The alien symbiote has sticky tar like skin that is able to attach itself onto walls. It can walk, crawl, run, jump - vertically with little resistance to gravity.

Symbiotic 'Webbing’': The alien symbiote has tendrils, a sticky tar like substance that acts as a "webbing".

-------

"Get the EKG!" Eddie was fading in and out of consciousness. He felt empty.

"His heart has atrophied! He's renal, organ failure present-," ZAP. Eddie felt a pain shoot through him.

"Heart rhythm stabilizing. But, he needs to be on a drip ASAP."

Eddie was put in a medical induced coma. Life support, the whole thing. He was still critical, still dying. Until Venom came back. Slithering through the open window. Eddie still in a coma, felt the warmth of Venom slide back inside him.

Eddie woke with a start as the alarm clock went off.

"Five more minutes,” a groggy sounding voice deep within Eddie's being spoke. Eddie whined and buried his head more into the gross pillow. "Yeah," Eddie fell back asleep. His other alarm set on his phone sounded off, a big fog horn blaring. "Shit, come on!"

Eddie awake, barely, walking down the dark streets of Manhattan. At a vendor to get a dinner/breakfast, or as Eddie calls them 'Night Breakfast' . "Yo, uh, two hoagies please, but like hold the pickles," Eddie used to love pickles, but like most things in his new life - had to compromise. Venom hates them, so he cut them out of his diet.

"Listen, I know this ain't ideal - but, Spider-Man does more of his cool shit at night. The day stuff - sure, is cool too. But, everyone with a smartphone gets that stuff. We gotta get better shit on record."

“He is a joke. Useless,” Venom was jealous. Eddie rolled his eyes.

"All the metahumans are better then you'se and me for fuck sakes. Like we've established, we're losers. Don't be gettin' all weird or whatever. This is just a job, a one off piece of vigilantism. This ain't gonna be our new shtick, okay?" Eddie stuffed the two hoagies back to back with barely any chewing, moaning slightly at the taste. "Man, that's good.”

“Not as good as flesh and the brains of some douchebag.”

"That's highly debatable, Venom."

Eddie smiled at the homeless guy, Steve, he'd been getting to know around the corner near his apartment.

"Hey, Eddie, my man! You get me a treat?"

Eddie nodded pulling a ziplock bag out of his coat pocket. The bag was nothing to be calling the cops over. It was a bag of fresh vegetables

"Bag 'a veggies like this is a huge commodity. You can't find nothin' this fresh, so I'm cutting you a deal," Eddie laughed at their odd looking exchange of goods, clearly to an outsider it would look like some shady deal happening. Eddie also slipped Steve twenty dollars for good measure.

"Yo, god bless you man!"

"God bless me? Nah, come on - you know what though, as for my act of good faith you need to go to that job opportunity man, okay? I set you up, Uptown ask for Eric, he'll give you a great job at the mall. Please, go, or at least try okay?"

"Yeah yeah, I'll think about it! Thanks for the veggies, I appreciate it."

Eddie walked away, shaking his head.

“Humans can be so strange,” Venom sounded annoyed.

Eddie kept his head trained up high - looking for any signs of Spider-Man as he walked.

"Keep a look out, Venom," Eddie tried to find any weird movements, any sign.

He did not realize he had walked into open traffic. Venom took over as the transport truck slammed into Eddie. He felt every bone in his pelvis and lower spine break, screaming in agony for only a moment before being fully engulfed, cushioned and reset by the symbiote.

Venom jumped onto the moving transport and crouched.

“Nice one Eddie, could’ve gotten us both killed,” Venom jumped onto a tall building and slid up the side, sticking its form all the way up. Venom perched, squatting over the city, looking down at all the movement of specks.

"Please, god, stop looking down," Eddie was terrified of heights. He kept his eyes shut, but it did not matter. He could still see through his mind of Venom. Sometimes, when Venom went on his own accord Eddie would be lost in the darkness of the symbiote's innards. Floating without thought or feeling.

Venom's tongue lolled out, a slick amount of spit fell. Some guy twenty stories down gagged thinking a bird did it's business on his expensive jacket, 'I hate New York,' the trust funder whined.

Venom squinted looking towards the city skyline. “There, Eddie!” Venom launched himself, going from rooftop to rooftop. Not at all graceful in his movements, clunky and knocking into things.

Venom disappeared within Eddie and Eddie was left crouched on a fire escape, watching Spider-Man deal with some criminals. Eddie took out his camcorder from his coat jacket, luckily it was on the opposite side of where he was just hit by a transport truck.

"This is Eddie Brock from The Brock Report. Vigilante justice has been deemed problematic. In some regards there is anecdotal evidence to suggest such - data collected by the FBI and also some very clearly biased sources like the NYPD, confirms that narrative. As seen in the exclusive footage being shown in these clips obtained by your's truly, Spider-Man does not go far in any 'rough brand of justice' the police seem to be feeding as a narrative."

A clip plays on loop of Spider-Man going out of his way to make sure civilians are as far from any action that may be about to happen. Doing a perimeter sweep before going into the building that seems active in wrong doing.

"Here we see in this next clip, Spider-Man very neatly and without bodily harm, as confirmed by the police report on public file, deal with the alleged perps of the alleged crime. Spider-Man very clearly is shown to make sure all perps of the alleged crime were not injured."

A clip is playing of Spider-Man about to be punched by the alleged criminal, he dodges the punch and quickly without throwing a punch incapacitates the alleged criminal using his webbing.

"Unlike real statistical reports and data showing the NYPD's own misconduct: racial profiling, aggravated assaults, B&E's without warrants, and using force - deemed by the public and in some few and far between cases upheld in a court of law - as excessive. Spider-Man seems to use his sense of clarity and costumed heroics as a way to minimize damage and deescalate a situation."

A clip is shown of Spider-Man having a simple conversation of one of the alleged perps, who in turn gives up his gun and puts his hands up.

J. Jonah Jameson looked pissed, "Eddie, when I asked you on this assignment, I specifically asked for an unbiased opinion. This clearly is biased. Clearly you're supporting a damn criminal!"

Eddie looked annoyed, "Nah, see the segment still has another fifteen minutes to it. I go over more stats, and evidence to support my claims. Listen, there is data on crime prevention that the NYPD is trying to keep out of public hands! The only ones, that are also true, that most people are being fed is the fact that with these costumed vigilantes we are seeing an increase of victims leaving the scenes and not doing a follow up with the police. It's true, its in there, that vigilantes are just allowing a revolving door to occur, and in some instances more crime seems to be going up because of it."

J. Jonah huffs.

“But, on top of that I have found data to suggests the inactivity of the NYPD as well as their witch hunts against these vigilantes, using what little man power they have, have wasted millions of tax dollars instead of putting in place proper de-escalation training and anti-racial profiling training. So, there's that."

Eddie raised an eyebrow, "Unless you'se have some sorta biased view? Phew, I mean, that'd be bad to have a biased without facts in your favour?"

J. Jonah gruffed, "Hey, that's liable. Now, whatever, fine. I want your segment to air on our network, and also you to have all your evidence of these claims in the article under the video by Friday. It's Wednesday, gives you time. Stick to your damn deadlines, Brock, or you're fired! Now, get the hell out of my office."

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deadcactuswalking · 6 years

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BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

1994 was the definition of a 6/10. I can’t sit through all 100 in one sitting, but it’s not like it was terrible, in fact, my worst list was hard as nails because a lot of the bad stuff was just not interesting enough to talk about. When I did my 2017 list, stuff like “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons was just so mind-bogglingly terrible in every way, hence I had a lot of material, but here, you can clearly tell how better I am at talking about music I like, because God damn, there are some all-time classics hidden in all this boring schlock and even the stuff that’s not fantastic has a lot of redeeming qualities and charm. Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that. First, however, before we even get into talking about where on earth the popular music scene was in 1994, here are the Honourable Mentions – songs that just couldn’t make the cut for a much shorter list than what I would usually make. I’m going to try and keep it brief, because there were a lot of songs I actually really enjoyed that didn’t really cut it when under the pressure of just a top five list.

Honourable Mentions

These are basically in order of where they were on the Year-End list, so don’t think the guys at the top weren’t ever going to make the list because some of them were pretty tough snips.

“The Sign”, “All That She Wants” and “Don’t Turn Around” – Ace of Base

If you ever wonder why people hate Magic! and UB40 so much, it’s because white-washed cod-reggae can be done so much better.

“Whatta Man” – Salt-n-Pepa and En Vogue

Not the best horn sample in this Year-End, but Goddamn, they get close.

“Wild Night” - John Mellencamp featuring Meshell Ndegeocello

I don’t know who either of these dudes are but they can make a nice song. On the other hand, how in the hell do you pronounce Meshell’s surname?

“The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” – The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

This dude still had it way after his heyday when he started calling himself “the Artist Formerly Known as Prince”. Rest in peace.

“Fantastic Voyage” – Coolio

This dude had a second hit – before “Gangsta’s Paradise”? That’s cool... not going to make the obvious pun.

“Any Time, Any Place” – Janet Jackson

This song is a full seven minutes of pure beauty, but the reason why it doesn’t make the list is because it’s seven minutes. We’ll get on to that later on in the list.

“Because the Night” – 10,000 Maniacs

Specifically the MTV Unplugged version. The other version is just not as effective.

“This DJ” – Warren G

Warren G is kind of overlooked now, but he was a hit-maker back then who could crank out some fantastic stuff back in this G-funk era.

“Cry for You” – Jodeci

Drake shouts this song out in “Controlla”, but he doesn’t exactly reference it in a clever way. He just says “I think I’d die for you” and then rhymes it with, no joke, “Jodeci, “Cry for You””, like, okay, Aubrey.

“Keep Ya Head Up” – 2Pac

This sample was done better by BlocBoy JB. Something about me just loves how they take the Five Stairsteps’ vocals and make them Kanye chipmunk-style, as BlocBoy mourns the losses of his friends from life in the streets, but since he’s still young, he is a “child” as the sample suggests, so it kind of seems condescending when they say “things are going to get easier”, and Bloc is trying to say that young people go through real hardships too. I don’t know, but this isn’t a BlocBoy JB review, and if I wanted to I could talk about that song in length, but I’ll just say this 2Pac song is damn good too.

“Who am I? (What’s My Name?)” – Snoop (Doggy) Dogg

I mean, I’d be able to tell you if you didn’t change it all the time.

“Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through” – Meat Loaf

The video for this is directed by Michael Bay of all people. That’s all I have to say.

“Mary Jane’s Last Dance” – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Okay, but Red Hot Chili Peppers kind of did this riff more justice.

“U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah and “Here Comes the Hotstepper” – Ini Kamoze

These were the songs that made me want to extend these lists to ten songs, but on the other hand, my Dishonourable Mentions made me want to shorten these lists to no songs.

“I’ll Take You There” – General Public

Who?

“What is Love” – Haddaway

Now, THIS one hurts to cut. This is a bonafide classic.

“Bop Gun (One Nation)” – Ice Cube featuring George Clinton

The 11-minute version of this song is more tolerable than it sounds.

Now that’s it for the Honourable Mentions but what exactly was 1994 pop music like? Well, I can tell you one thing – G-funk and smooth R&B and hip-hop were in full effect by this time, and many people say the 90s took a while to start, well, this is the breakout year for the 1990s as a decade. All the tropes you expect from early and mid-1990s pop music are here, and they’re here to stay (excluding a lot of the grunge and rock, mostly because of nonsensical Hot 100 chart regulations from at the time). Enough rambling, let’s get onto the actual list. These are...

BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

#5 Worst

So, if you think Scum Gang scumbags becoming popstars is a new thing, you obviously haven’t been following the absolute trainwreck that is R. Kelly. He was all over this year, whether it be him riding solo or providing vocals, songwriting and production for other R&B acts like Aaliyah and new (at the time) duo Changing Faces, who had both of their first two singles written and produced by R. Kells himself. I was on the fence about this particular track until I saw the Wikipedia article.

“It features uncredited vocals from R. Kelly.”

Alrighty then!

#5 – “Stroke You Up” – Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly

The immediate second this song starts I shrivel up and want to die. That piercingly high first note in the loop aggravates me because it’s just an instant onslaught of a screech. Oh, and that cowbell-like noise that appears in a lot of ‘90s R&B? I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love 1990s R&B but man, it has to be done well to be anything more than a bit of a slog to get through, mostly because pretty much every song in that niche has these set of tropes, and I’m not going to lie, I probably could not sit through a whole album by anyone in that scene who isn’t Usher. Like, you’ve got to have some charisma to make your songs interesting – and that’s true with any decade and any genre – so when you’ve got only serviceable singers and a creepy-as-all-hell backing vocalist, you don’t exactly do wonders to the blocky production.

Don’t even get me started on that hook.

Do you mind if I stroke you up (I don’t mind)

Oh, of course, you don’t freaking mind, you’d get a stroke from anyone as long as they’re female. I don’t think you guys exactly needed confirmation... although actually maybe consent is the best foot forward in R. Kelly’s case... wait, why does R. Kelly need to consent to anything except jail time? He’s a piece of sexist human trash and this woman needs to ASK to just stroke him, oblivious to the fact that he can just hop straight into the girls in his sex cult?

All through the night

You know, you’re supposed to get like eight hours, so are you just going to stroke him for nearly half a day? Because knowing R. Kelly, I’d think he’d want a bit more.

Until your body’s tired

How is he going to be tired? You’re the one actually making some sort of motion, albeit it just be stroking... for eight bloody hours.

Oh, and R. Kelly can stop moaning in the intro and outro. We never need that, okay, we just never need R. Kelly moaning anywhere, anytime, please reissue this song without it. In fact, Spotify, I think I’m going to report abuse for the moaning alone. Nobody needs to sit through this tire fire of a track.

#5 Best

Talking about arrogant, forceful jerks, here’s a song about them.

I know what I want and I want it now / I want you, ‘cause I’m Mr. Vain

Uh... maybe I shouldn’t have met the R. Kelly comparisons. Yikes.

#5 – “Mr. Vain” – Culture Beat

That synth hook is iconic... well, at least for me. I’m into a hefty load of Eurodance and 90s house, in fact a lot of 90s electronica tickles my fancy in more ways than one, so I listened to this a lot before I even considered doing reviews as my hobby – in fact, all of my best list is like this, pretty much, and apologies for the nostalgia goggles but we need them because we’re going deep into Music Heaven’s seas and we ain’t got submarines.

That synth hook is only beaten by “Better Off Alone” in terms of 90s classic dance hooks, but that’s not the only thing about the song that’s amazing, no, before we dive into the vocals and lyrics, how about we just appreciate the rapid-fire guitar strumming replicating the hook and the freaking strings solo before the final chorus? Seriously, there’s a lot of attention to detail in what seems to be a simple Eurodance track and I appreciate that.

Also, this song is a narrative. Let’s explore that, shall we?

Call him Mr. Raider

What?

I guess it kind of makes sense in the context of “This dude only wants to get one-night stands with girls he considers to be of his stupidly high standard” (if you squint) but “Raider”? You couldn’t think of another word there to describe him? It didn’t even need to rhyme, it’s not part of the scheme.

Call him insane

Yeah, okay, so this song is about a guy who’s so irresistibly charming that all the ladies flock yet he only wants one night with them and will immediately stop caring once they’ve had sex... Is this song about Lil Yachty?

I know you want this for life / Taking pictures with all my ice / But I can’t have no... wife / I just want you for the night – Lil Yachty, “1Night”

Okay, obviously, I’m kidding – Lil Yachty didn’t even exist when this song was written – but I’m not joking when I say Tania Evans and rapper Jay Supreme do a pretty good job at representing different sides of this story. Sure, Supreme’s flow may be a bit stilted, and Evans’ (fantastic) vocals might be wasted on way too repetitive lyrics, but it’s Eurodance, cut it some slack.

Call me Raider

No, I won’t call you “Raider”. We already went through this, Jay.

In all seriousness, though, I just love how much Jay perfectly overplays the fact that he’s just an uptight douchebag.

Call me what you like / As long as you call me, time and again / Feel the presence of the aura / Of the man, none to compare

“Feel the presence of the aura”? Who the hell are you, Lucario?

Overall, despite some flaws in its writing, this track is still a dance classic, mostly for how well and intricately it’s produced. Really a fantastic demonstration of how genres like Eurodance can be top-tier stuff as well.

#4 Worst

You know, when I think “forever”, because of music I’ve listened to in the past, I don’t imagine the ungodly length of time that is. What does forever even entail? Is it an individual’s lifetime or just the span of life on Earth in general? Either way, I like my “forever” songs immediate, driving, punchy and to the point. Like Donna Lewis’ earworm hook on “I Love You Always Forever”, the hunger that Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Eminem show on the bloodthirsty posse cut “Forever”, the good stuff is what takes the concept of “forever” and makes it NOW. Now, what happens if you take the concept of “forever” and play it incredibly straight... that phrase being a synonym of “making it as boring and plain as a sponge cake with no icing”.

#4 – “Now and Forever” – Richard Marx

Now, music isn’t my only interest, far from it, one of those interests being video games, and more often than not game-wise, you could catch me playing a Nintendo game, so when I saw Marx, before Groucho even crossed my mind, my first thought was the character from Kirby, and maybe that’s not exactly the best first impression of a singer I’ve ever had.

You know what? That would have been much more interesting, because this is pretty non-descript, to the point of it being infuriatingly “nothing”. This guy’s voice, however much force he wants to put onto it, is just serviceable at best and pretty okay throughout, while a white-bread acoustic guitar is being strummed mindlessly in front of a solid orchestral instrumental, which would be pretty nice if it wasn’t so pushed back in the mix to focus on Marx’s promises of being someone’s man “now and forever” – yeah, okay, well, at least try and sound like you care. Put some effort into saying you’ll love someone always, like Bon Jovi’s “Always” the same year, which pulled off the simple power ballad much more effectively by simply seeming like people put effort into it. I can imagine that the band wrote their song about a real-life woman, but Marx here might as well be singing to a cactus. Next.

#4 Best

Now, you may be wondering why a song recorded and released in 1975 about an event from 1963, that eventually hit #1 on the Hot 100 in 1976, is on a list about music from 1994, and it’s all because of a remix – not the first one, mind you – that landed it back onto the charts in 1993 and 1994, “peaking” at #13. Thanks, Ben Liebrand, but your remix is irrelevant because the version I’m counting is the original.

#4 – “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)” – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

So this was Valli and his band’s biggest hit in their extensive discography and very lengthy career, mostly due to being pretty much the opposite of what they always did. Sometimes shaking up the formula is actually ideal in pop music, as Valli saw when he relegated himself to backing vocals, letting the leads be handled by the drummer, Gerry Polci, and the bassist, Don Ciccone. Usually, this might have been a risky misstep, since the singer is chosen as the frontman due to the fact that they would naturally have more vocal talent, yet despite Valli being quite literally the name of the band, there’s no real frontman, as everyone sang and everyone appeared in the videos... and that’s impressive, considering how much of an ordeal that is, with how many members there are and were, and how members constantly go in and out while Valli’s still standing. The fact that the band never felt like Valli was in power is honestly one of the reasons why this song works so well.

This song sounds so joyful and happy, and you couldn’t replicate that with one man playing all the parts, because of a tried and true phrase.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do – Harry Nilsson, “One”

If this was all one guy and it was just all the parts mixed together, I doubt it would feel anywhere near as gleeful and carefree as it does as a group record. It starts with a tight disco groove, and then you’ve got that classic piano melody, before Polci starts singing and he’s not a Phil Collins by any means, but he does the job damn well for a drummer, and that just adds to how fun it feels. Everyone did their best and contributed to a happy, sunshiny song that holds up to this day – and by everyone, I mean everyone, it definitely sounds like all seven or so of these guys, including even the keyboardists and the guys on the horns, had a blast recording this. I can imagine them just loving it in the studio. Oh, what a night, indeed.

#3 Worst

Oh, yeah, fun fact: Did you know that last song was originally going to be celebrating the repeal of prohibition, and Frankie Valli wanted it to be changed to a song about an affair? Yeah, and it’s not necessarily a subtle song about an affair either.

Spinning my head around and taking my body under – Don Ciccone, “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)”

You know, I guess it’s somewhat poetic and at least it depicts the subject in a way that doesn’t feel cliché and cheesy. On the other hand...

#3 – “Said I Loved You...But I Lied” – Michael Bolton

What a terrible thing to say right to your significant other’s face, Michael Bolton. Why would you manipulate someone like that, man? Is this some sort of nasty plot to get sex without any consequence?

Said I loved you but I lied / ‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside / Said I loved you but I was wrong / ‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong

Oh... well, then. That is the dumbest bait-and-switch I’ve ever fell for. Well, this sickeningly sweet song is something else to add to my list of reasons to punch Michael Bolton in his corny face. Wait a second, he’s in his 60s now? Huh, maybe I should scrap that list entirely.

You know, Michael Bolton used to make metal and hard rock back in the 70s, and I won’t exactly say his work under that style was all that good, at least it wasn’t as vomit-inducing as his middle of the road, soft rock ballads, including this one, which hides its snoozeworthy self under a guise of a clickbaiting title... which I imagine isn’t even the reason this song became popular, no, it’s because of radio play, specifically adult contemporary stations – why would you put the effort into clickbaiting adult contemporary listeners when in the end, a song about tricking a woman for sex and/or a mediocre romance could have been written better than this generic schlock, and would have probably garnered even more attention, especially from the good-guy Michael Bolton?

I suppose none of this matters when the music’s good, right? Well, it’s not. It’s borderline tropical semi-tribal pop music, actually, it’s kind of interesting. The intro feels like it would fit right into Legends of the Hidden Temple and I don’t think that’s entirely a compliment. Michael sounds out of breath all the time, and nothing else in this song is worthy of even a footnote. I’m so glad we get immediately to the good stuff after trash like this.

#3 Best

Alright, now we’re getting into the hip-hop stuff that I loved this year, and, yeah, there was a lot of it but only a few of these songs really left enough of an impact on me to put them on the list. Remember when I said Warren G was overlooked? Well, I don’t think anyone forgets this G-funk classic.

#3 – “Regulate” – Warren G featuring Nate Dogg

God, no movie soundtrack tie-in deserves to be this smooth and this catchy. This song is immediately recognisable from that Dr. Dre-like synth hook and tight rhythm sampled from “I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)”, a soul song from singer-songwriter Michael McDonald, which was a success of its own back in 1982, peaking in the top five. Sadly, it’s nowhere near as good as the song it eventually birthed 12 years later.

This song is basically one extremely lengthy verse of Warren G and the late Nate Dogg trading bars and telling a story of both rappers being involved in some ghetto violence, with funky instrumental breaks separating topics and flows.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

Warren’s looking to pick up some “skirts”, as they say, but for the most part, he’s just cruising. Meanwhile, Nate just arrived in Long Beach and is on a mission to find Warren – for whatever reason – before women start distracting him, because, of course, they do, it’s hip-hop. Warren notices a gang shooting dice, so he decides to politely join the activity and engage in some of the fun, and then they pull out their guns and try and kill him. However, Nate Dogg doesn’t have time for women.

Since these girls peepin’ me, I’mma glide and swerve / These hookers lookin’ so hard, they straight hit the curb / Onto bigger, better things than some horny tricks / I see my homie and some suckers all in his mix

He was on a mission to find “Mr. Warren G”, and he has discovered the holy grail, however there is one obstacle – the gang that is attacking Warren. He screams out for help from Nate, he’s completely hopeless, in fact, it’s surprisingly vulnerable for a gangsta rap track.

I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself / I can’t believe they’re taking Warren’s wealth / They took my rings, they took my Rolex / I looked at the brother, said, “Damn, what’s next?”

He’s expecting even worse assault from these guys, but he doesn’t know what’s next because nothing can be this awful, right? He doesn’t believe this was even possible for him to be in this situation. But then, Nate Dogg, shades on, goes all action hero on them right after Warren G starts to accept his fate.

They got guns to my head, I think I’m goin’ down

But then, Nate shoots all his problems away.

Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold

I said Nate had no time for women, but that’s incredibly untrue, because right after he shoots multiple men to death, he’s picking up women on the streets, and, to be honest, yeah, I’d get in his car. Like Ty Dolla $ign, who I feel Nate was a massive influence on, he knew how to be seductive and smooth in his delivery, even if what he was singing wasn’t particularly sexy.

She said, “My car’s broke down and you seem real nice, would you let me ride?” / I got a car full of girls and it’s going real swell / The next stop is the Eastside Motel

For the final section, Nate and Warren just lay down some of the ideology of the G-funk philosophy... okay, then!

It’s the G-funk era, funked out with a gangsta twist

You know, it’s actually pretty impressive how throughout this violent yet sensual story of murder, assault and illegal criminal activity, as well as mentioning smoking and complementing women for their physical appearance, there’s actually minimal profanity. Warren G’s really for the kids, huh?

This whole story would be pointless, however, if it wasn’t for how well it was all sung, and I say sung instead of rapped because, yeah, it’s pretty much an R&B song with the melodic flows both take on, and I’m not saying Warren is anywhere near to the level of Nate’s singing ability, but you can tell effort was put in on both sides for them to complement each other well, and with Warren’s vulnerable and uncertain portrayal, a more unsure and confused personality and scattered flow really assist in painting the story, especially in stark contrast to Nate’s deep, smooth tone that makes all this sound effortless. Overall, yeah, this song is irresistibly catchy without anything even resembling a chorus, mostly due to the infectious beat and fun flows from everyone involved. Undoubtedly one of the classics in hip-hop. Rest in peace, Nate Dogg.

#2 Worst

“Whoomp! (There it Is)” by the Tag Team is an energetic and fun banger, with a catchy, sing-a-long chorus and a repetitive but effective rhythm. It’s an okay song, so making a song nearly identical right down to the “whoo” sounds isn’t going to result in anything awful... right? Right?

#2 – “Tootsee Roll” – 69 Boyz

Really, guys? 69 Boyz? You’ve got to know the innuendos involved there, and even if you did know and that was the origin, or even if they had another moronic excuse like they were all born in 1969, or there were 69 of them (which is a blatant lie), you’ve got to admit how cringeworthy and childish of a name that is... I’m not entirely sure if that’s to be expected of Miami bass, but considering its alternate names are “booty music” and “booty bass”, I should probably keep that in mind when digging deeper into the genre, but in the meanwhile, I cannot imagine any woman shaking their booty to this stiff, almost metallic beat, with some stock whistle sound effects and a constant onslaught of cheering gang vocals looped for the whole damn song to the extent of it being absolutely unbearable.

The Butterfly? Uh-huh, that’s old

What’s the Butterfly? Genius states, “The Butterfly was a dance move that caused the performer to look like a butterfly.” Thanks for that detailed explanation, now, what on earth is a “Tootsee Roll”?

From what I can gather, it’s just the opposite of the “Butterfly”, which is played out, while the “Tootsee Roll” is a dance you could still see in clubs at the time and is timeless? I mean, I doubt it, because rolling in a club is extremely dangerous and probably will lead to various deaths.

Keep rollin’ that derriere

...Is it like, twerking?

If so, that’s actually a decent comparison. Tootsie Rolls are softer taffy sweets that do not melt and are one of the first candies to be individually wrapped in America. Butts are not as soft as a Tootsie Roll (from my experience of seeing a few pictures of the candies) but they don’t have as much bone, you can slap them like jelly but they don’t melt (unless you have a severe medical problem), and typically, butts are wrapped in clothing, which could be different for each individual with a butt. That’s a pretty clever metaphor... too bad that 1.) your song’s an unlistenable, mind-numbingly repetitive loop with little to no changes to the instrumentation throughout, 2.) Tootsie Rolls also come in long sticks known as logs... is this a gay-pride anthem, then, or am I looking way too deep into this nonsensical piece of trash? Probably the latter.

#2 Best

Now, I wish I could talk about this next guy much more than I end up doing, but he’s way past his heyday, in fact, he’s a one-hit wonder despite having an extensive career that lasts more than four decades. This was his only song to ever hit the top 40, but does that matter at all when he’s had such a long-lasting career simply because of this one song? This track put him on the pop music map and stopped this weirdo from being a completely unknown figure in the music sphere, which he probably would have ended up being if not for this breakout single. You could say this song is riding the wave of both alt-rock and hip-hop being insanely popular at the time, but knowing my boy, I can safely say this was not a sell-out moment. This is one of the strangest, most diversely-talented musicians doing what he does best: wacky self-deprecation.

My teacher said I’m a loser, I told her, ”Why don’t you kill me?” – Kanye West, “Get ‘em High”

#2 – “Loser” – Beck

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey

Sorry, repeat that?

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey / Butane in my veins so I’m out to cut the junkie

This song is the second on the best list to use the technique of sampling, modifying a portion of another work in order to use it in a new creation. This particular track samples a relatively manic drum beat from “I Walk on Gilded Splinters”, a Dr. John cover by blues guitarist Johnny Jenkins, and this sample does more than just adding a tight drum pattern to the song, as it adds to the interpretation that it was a parody of what was perceived as late-80s “slacker culture”, since sampling was a bit infamous in the early 90s. Just as recent as 1991, sampling had caused a headlining court case in which Gilbert O’Sullivan forced Biz Markie to not only pull all of the offending records off of stores, but also accept his career being ruined from the money he lost and the fact that the old white man was victorious over a predominantly black hip-hop culture, showing not only another case of the transformative use of work being unfairly refused, but also the racism that is still prevalent in court judges, the music industry and society today, as proved by Meek Mill’s recent case of being wrongly imprisoned. Yeah, it was an important lesson to learn in terms of the consequences of sampling, but it leaves a bad taste in peoples’ mouths, especially for Beck, who appreciates the art of sampling, despite it being seemed as lazy by many others in the biz, including Damon Albarn of Blur and Gorillaz, who has recently presented his anti-sampling thoughts (despite many, many cases of sampling other works himself). In fact, I believe Beck actually brings this up in the second verse.

The forces of evil in a bozo nightmare / Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber

Hence, throughout this sarcastic verbal beatdown Beck gives himself in the verses, he sounds bored, tired and exhausted, relying on the charm in his voice and the simple, sampled beat to carry him along. In fact, the lyrics seem to be Beck just spitballing, as well, as it’s mostly complete word salad, but it definitely has a consistent vibe of uselessness and being pathetic.

With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables / Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose

Overall, though, it just seems like it’s an incredibly ironic, borderline nonsensical and witty suicide note at points – there’s always discussion of death and guns and pretty grim imagery.

I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me? (double-barrel buckshot)

He hung himself with a guitar string

Someone keeps sayin’ I’m insane to complain / About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

The whole song is a slog in the best way because of its repetitive chorus, unconventional sampling and... interesting ad-libs.

(Get crazy with the Cheese Wiz)

It’s nothing like a parody of slacker culture, at all, actually, it reads more like a man on the edge of absolute insanity, and we get to explore his mind, which is all-over-the-place with some brief observations and commentary on the industry and early 90s society, while he occasionally contemplates ending it all.

And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite / That’s chokin’ on the splinters

This is a strange, confusing song, but Beck’s a strange and confusing artist, and I love him for it, especially when he subtly adds some meaning in the lyrics, such as songs like this... and it’s not even in his top 10 best songs.

#1 Worst

Okay, so, flash back to even before the Honourable Mentions where I said this.

“Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that.”

Yeah, and when I said that, I wasn’t lying – this next song has a lot of charm, hell, it has a lot in common with my choice of fifth best hit song, “Mr. Vain”. Both are quirky little Eurodance songs, but this one does not understand how to embrace how awful it is, while “Mr. Vain” did that perfectly. This song is charming yet also insufferably incompetent.

#1 – “Another Night” – Real McCoy featuring Karin Kasar

Yep, that’s their name – Real McCoy. I don’t understand how a Eurodance act would be this desperate to prove themselves as “real”. Now, I’m pretty sure this terribly-named act is a band, actually, two or three members, one of which being the “rapper” on this track, O-Jay, but we’ll get to him. First, let’s focus on the instrumental, which is pretty well-made actually, albeit pretty typical of the time – it even has a pretty forced reggae influence in the steel pans obviously profiting off of Ace of Base. We have some nice piano chords, a jackhammer beat, an annoying synth that goes from the right to left channel constantly – which would be cool, if it didn’t go on for the whole song and you know, sounded any good.

That’s not what makes this song so horrible, honestly, it’s the vocals. First we have a vocal sample that comes in occasionally but trust me, when it comes in, it does not stop hammering at your brain. It is a really lazy yell, like a man who’s in a deep ditch, hence it echoes, but he can’t talk properly, or like at all, so he just makes a sound that resembles chopped-and-screwed Mario jumping sounds compiled together with some reverb and pitch-shifting... but that’s technically still the instrumental, the vocals on top can’t possibly be as bad, right? Well, I guess the singer, Karin Kasar isn’t bad, even if the lyrics combined with her light-as-a-feather performance are as putrid and sickeningly sweet as you can get, at least Tania Evans had some “oomph” in her voice.

Contrasting Karin Kasar is O-Jay, the “rapper”, who provides some deep, stilted, multi-tracked verses – see the dynamic here? Exactly the same as “Mr. Vain”, except that song prevailed by being joyful despite its obviously less optimistic subject matter that made it feel self-aware, while this plays it straight... but somehow makes it feel less sweet and more terrifying. This O-Jay guy took it too damn fair, he sounds creepy and the lyrics he’s provided with don’t exactly help either.

You feel joy, you feel pain, ‘cause nothing will be the same

Uh, can you stop, please, like, right now? It’s disturbing when this man’s deep voice, not shrouded in the mix, is perfectly clear and you hear every word he’s saying in this intimate yet skin-crawling tone. It’s not pleasant and really doesn’t help build the mood, in fact, I’m pretty sure it takes the mood of the song and bites it in half.

Hey, sister, let me cover your body with my love

Hold up – sister? Look, I know that’s something people call important or friendly females in their lives and in any other case, this line would be fine, but, Jesus, O-Jay, could you maybe say it with some kind of corny flair because your delivery itself implies so much more than what’s being said. Oh, and it doesn’t help when in his final verse, we have an eerily distorted sub-bass with a manic synth playing during it.

I am your lover, your brother

You’re not helping! All this track is is a sloppy remake of “Mr. Vain” which falls flat on its face with everything that Culture Beat’s track succeeded in.

Another night, another dream, but a-always you / It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true

Isn’t that a Mariah Carey song released in 1990?

I had a vision of love / And it was all that you’ve given to me – Mariah Carey, “Vision of Love”

So, not only do you ride the coattails of the Eurodance movement that became prominent in the US because of Haddway and his top 20 song, completely rip off Culture Beat’s top 20 hit (and #1 in the UK!) “Mr. Vain”, shoddily enforce some reggae pop because Ace of Base had three massive songs, all of which ended up being in the Year-End top 10 of this year, but you reference the name of one of Mariah Carey’s biggest #1 hits, just in case you weren’t enough of a clumsy amalgamation of everything early 90s in America and Europe. Nice one, you lazy, pathetic, untalented hacks.

#1 Best

Let’s take a little trip back to the Honourable Mentions, where I said that Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place” would not make the list due to its length, and that’s mainly because this is a list of hit songs, and honestly, if your song’s not short and sweet, does it really “hit” you as much?

A pop song doesn’t need to be conventional and can stray far from the formula, and I appreciate that when it happens to be that a 1994 hit does not follow the rules of its niche, see “Loser”. However, when you make a song, no matter how good it is, very long and not particularly that far away from what is expected, it loses the punch I want to see in good pop music. That’s why I hate “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran so much – it lacks what I want from any good pop song, a real hook that reels you in, not because it’s catchy and not because it’s unique, hell, I’m not talking about the musical hook here, just a moment in a song that forces you to pay attention and even if you don’t like it, you will understand why it’s so popular because it demands you to be attracted to it. I don’t like “Blah Blah Blah” by Kesha featuring 3OH!3. Listen, I like both of these artists fine, but I’m not a fan of the song for many reasons, however there is a true hook that grabs me in, and it’s not the chorus, it’s Kesha’s voice, which is childish and bratty, but it just commands your attention because of how obnoxious it is. “Any Time, Any Place” doesn’t exactly have that hook, hence no matter how much I liked the song, I just couldn’t write about it in mass. It’s not as interesting as it could have been.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we have something special down here at Birdland this evening – a recording for Blue Note Records.

This song has so many of them.

#1 – “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” – Us3

Oh, my God, this song has so many of those hooks. First of all, how all of it is so blatantly sampled. I think the additional trumpet solo is the only original addition and composition other than the vocals and knowing classic hip-hop, that solo is probably sourced or interpolated from somewhere – hell, the pure amount of samples of Blue Note’s catalogue on this song and Us3’s album lead to them grabbing a record deal with them. Now that’s how corporate bigwigs should be treating artists who sample. The first sample is immediately obvious to you – it’s a vocal sample at the beginning of the track spoken by Pee Wee Marquette from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland Vol. 1 album. After this brief spoken word section, we get into the beat which kicks in almost instantly afterwards for a real punch, and I’ve listened to the original track, Herbie Hancock’s “Cantaloupe Island”, and can confirm it’s just pretty much a sped-up version of the first 16 bars with a lot of subtle changes, but that’s not a bad thing, as the drum beat is fun enough to dance to, as what was probably in mind, the recurring additional vocal samples crowding up the track (acting as kind of a chorus) from both Marquette and Lou Donaldson (specifically “Everything I Do Gonna Be Funky (From Now On)”), as well as the occasional lively ad-lib from the rapper here, Rahsaan Kelly, shortened to Rahsaan, who scats a nice little “itty-bitty-bop” throughout. The final instrumental break before the track ends is heavenly, with Gerard Presencer’s fantastic and frankly pretty insane trumpet solo just going on and on. It’s crazy how good it is as well, the playing is intricate and fits the beat perfectly, mostly because of how wacky it is, until it just fades out like it’s nothing.

Speaking of wackiness, I think that’s the main appeal here, because it sounds like a jazz rap song straight out of a cartoon, fittingly for its title containing the name of the Disney movie Fantasia, but it’s all so smooth in its execution despite being littered and cluttered with samples all over the place. It’s beautiful in all its layered madness, and taking any of the layers off would be a disservice, and yes, that’s including Rahsaan.

Brace yourself as the beat hits you / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia

He may not be the best MC, but he has a slick, impressively stable and at times surprisingly quick flow for the time, and with his alliterative lyricism that often include a lot of fun, colourful words, he fits right into this Roger Rabbit of a jazz song.

Groovy, groovy, jazzy, funky / Pounce, bounce, dance as we dip in the melodic sea

He even has some pretty cool lines about actually taking a trip to the neon land presented in Fantasia...

Caught in the groove in Fantasia, I’m found

...and damn, if I don’t feel like I’m there. This song is just so fun to listen to, honestly, because of the pure joy you can feel from every sample, every trumpet riff, every line Rahsaan spits. I thought “Loser” by Beck was going to be my #1 going into this Year-End blind but as soon as I noticed this song was on it, the chance dropped from 100% to less than 3%, because even though I love both songs to death, “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” is such an overlooked classic that I can’t help but love and want to talk about. Everyone’s heard “Loser” but this is not something people really look back on today for all I know. I first heard this song on Vintage TV, actually, a British television network that shows old music videos, and it was a 90s and 80s funk block they had on when this song was broadcast, and when it came on, I had an instant grin on my face and I’m so glad it came up on this Year-End otherwise I would have likely to never have talked about it, and I couldn’t have done that. This song is way too good for me to pass on.

Feel the vibe from here to Asia / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia (out!)

As I said, it’s not conventional for a mostly instrumental song by a British acid jazz band to hit the American top 40, but to stay in the Hot 100 top 10 for three weeks is crazy, and just shows that although the general public and I may disagree at times, the power of national appreciation can do pretty great things for humanity. Thank you for reading, guys, and thank you to Us3, Rahsaan and Gerard Presencer, for making the best hit song of 1994, and one of my favourite songs of all time. See ya!

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