#LIKE IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT THEY'RE USING WILL AS A STEPPING STONE FOR THE HET RELATIONSHIP | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

andersfels · 5 years

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okay this might get long and controversial, but I think all us sapphics need to have a discussion about feminism, comp het, and how that ties in to how we percieve our attraction.

because I think right now, all those things are causing a problem with lesbians and with the bi community and how it functions.

also, just as a preemptive disclaimer so i don't get accused for something i don't mean or have my words misconstrued: bisexuality is not a phase, is not a stepping stone for being gay, and bisexuals with preferences exist and are very valid. HOWEVER. with that out of the way...

we live in a society where women are impacted with huge amounts of comp het. i know, that term was coined by a TERF, but the effects of that idea are very real: sapphic people are often socially pressured into attraction or the perception of attraction to men (note, i mean MEN, not trans women, TERFS fuck off,) that we don't really feel or want. we are pressured into performing and "wanting" the heterosexual norm beyond our actual, internal desires.

the reality of this on lesbians is that, in cases just like mine, we identify as bisexual before we deal with the comp het enough to realize that we are lesbian. (and no, bisexuality was not a stepping stone or phase, because we were never really bi in the first place.)

the general reaction to comp het in women as a whole, according to my experience at least, is feminism; fighting back against this centralization of attraction to men by saying "it's okay and valid to centralize women instead."

this is a lot easier for lesbians. for bi women, this concept gets revved up by lesbians who can disregard attraction to men entirely, because we don't experience it. and it's also a but easier for bi women with preferences. and i think this reaction to the common comp het experience sapphics have has centralized attraction to women on a cultural level in response. which makes sense, but...

but when you've got the unfortunate combo of a) lesbians who do not know they are lesbian, and are fighting comp het, and thus identify as bi, and b) a bisexual culture that reinforces that to love and adore women to the max, while holding disdain for your feelings about men, or having "lesser" feeling about men, is the norm for bisexuality....you're going to have a lot of lesbians thinking they're bisexuals for a long time, if not forever. it creates an environment where lesbians never actually have to deal with their comp het, and can ride the wave of "i like men but i don't have to care about that part," instead of honestly being able to assess how they don't like men. case in point, me.

on top of that, you get what i personally witnessed so damn much when i was present in the bi community: a fuck ton of bisexuals who feel ashamed for half their attraction, who don't feel accepted, and who feel like they're being sidelined and silenced because they don't fit the feminist, sapphic narrative of the bisexual experience: prioritizing women. this includes bisexual men, for whom this narrative and behavior reinforces their own comp het, by the way.

so what am I saying? well, to start with, i don't think any amount of feminism or bi women with preferences has actually created a majority in the bi community that prefers women. i think this is the narrative we have centralized. and it's not invalid to feel that way! but i don't think it's healthy or fair to centralize this narrative.

i think we need to stop saying and spreading things like this:

as a "bisexual culture" thing, and start opening discussions that gives room for women to self examine themselves and whether their attraction to men is genuine, whether their preference for women is actually just a preference and not something more exclusive, instead of acting like it's normal that bi women as a whole all like women so much differently than they like men, and acting like it's a feminist thing to assume and reinforce because it's an opposite reaction to women's comp het, despite it having the opposite effect on bi men's comp het.

this is a tame example. I've seen some that are like "bi culture is loving women and hating that you're attracted to men."

does that sound healthy to you? that message that it's normal that all bisexuals prioritize women and hate attraction to men? that's damaging to bi men, that's shame and pressure on bisexuals with no preferences, and it creates an environment where lesbians who identify as bi never have to question themselves or their comp het.

and no, I'm not saying "don't talk about your experiences if you're bi with preferences." I'm saying we need to stop acting like that is the norm and that all bisexuals should be like that.

what i think we need to encourage is that literally everyone on the planet is going to deal with some level of comp het due to society, and that how you assess your attractions and identity should not only take comp het into account, but your reactions to it.

because I thought I liked men for so long due to comp het, and i reacted to my perceptions of comp het by going "i may be attracted to men, but i don't have to prioritize men or like them," and that allowed me to remain in the dark about who i was and never address the root issue. i thought "I'm bisexual" not only due to comp het, but because the bi culture i was exposed to told me that my lesbian experience was the bisexual norm.

it's not a bad thing to sit down and self assess. you are not a traitor to your identity to question yourself. EVERYONE should take the time to sit down and examine how these things come to play in their identities and perceptions of self. and if you come to the same conclusion you did before, cool!

TL;DR: many lesbians identify as bi first, many bi women feel pressured into prioritizing women, and although bi people with preferences exist and are valid, we need to encourage self examination and how feminism and comp het affects how we identify and how we percieve our feelings, especially if we find ourselves leaning far to one side of attraction with them; and we need to stop playing into the narrative that a smaller percentage of bisexuals are the majority, or encouraging unhealthy relationships with bisexuality, because it stops everyone from questioning.

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