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bonchobrick · 1 year

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So I’ve seen some posts going around about a ‘Bruce adopts Danny and everyone thinks they’ll finally have a normal family member—Danny is very not normal’ and here’s my late night take on it.

Danny batfam au where they batfam tries really hard to keep their vigilante ass-kicking nightlife a secret from danny because he is ‘the only normal one in the family’ this becomes a problem however when danny gets kidnapped.

——-

The batfam all work together in a deeply serious family meeting to save their boy. After hours of combining their brains together they come up with a plan that will effectively save danny from joker, kick joker’s ass, and also make them look really cool while doing it.

So they bust in that warehouse, guns blazing, explosions fading in the background, a gust of dramatic dust covers the air

Batman steps infront of the rest of the team and demands to the blurry figure somewhere in the distance, “Where is Danny!”

The dust clears–they expect bad guys pointing weapons meancingly at them, they expect a cackle of a wicked clown amused at whatever plot he had planned coming to life, they expected a terrified boy perhaps tied somewhere likely siting in a chair that joker could present to the bats as a way of taunting them.

The dust settles–they observed their surroundings looking around and realize that, there are few new facts to be added into this ‘defeat the villain, get the bro, happy ending equation’

There is decidedly no weapons being pointed at them: In fact, all of the henchmen are already knocked out and tied up.

There is decidedly no evil laughs being echoed their way: In fact, the only noise that isnt coming from them is a light scritch scratch of a pencil

And there is decidedly no terrified little boy, there is a Danny however and he seems to be doing alright–actually scratch that.

Danny is doing wonders for the situation he’s in right now: In fact–

–Danny is sitting criss cross applesauce on-top a knocked out tied up Joker doing his algebra homework

The small blue eyed boy looks up at Batman's voice and visibly brightens, “Oh hey guys, I was wondering when you’d show up.”

Jason says with the utmost of comprehension, “...what.”

“So hi, I’m kinda new to gotham so sorry about beating these guys up, I think they’re villains? I dunno, anyways if you could take care of these guys while I call an uber home that’d be great.”

Danny sends them a blinding smile which would've been adorable if there weren’t a massive pile of bodies he were casually walking away from.

As Danny nears the exit he looks over his shoulder to the baffled group of vigilantes and blinks

“Oh yeah one last thing,” Danny rubs the back of his neck nervously, “Could you guys not tell the Waynes about this.”

Damian speaks up for the rest of his frozen family, albeit hesitantly, “I do think they have already been alerted of your kidnapping.”

“Oh no that's fine.” Danny starts nervously, “It's more about me being the… fighter… in this situation. I was just adopted by them and they seem really nice, I don’t want to scare them away being all grrrr im a scary monster boy and i love to hurt people argh.”

“I don’t think they’d think you're a monster.” Tim adds quietly

“Eh, tell that to my birth parents–they went psycho on me. Like evil scientist psycho, it was not as awesome as the movies make it sound, having scientists for parents.” Danny says bittersweet as he admits with a shrug

There is a moment of silence as the batfamily reevaluate the adoption file that states Danny’s family before they passed were very good people–albeit a bit excentric.

Dick blurts out, “Where did you learn to fight?”

Danny sends him an anxious chuckle, “I actually started when I was fourteen–my town always ran into some trouble so I had to step up. It’s part of the reason I moved here actually. I really don’t want anything to do with that hero vigilante life anymore…” The boy puts his hands together in a pleading motion, “So please don’t tell The Waynes!”

Bewildered at the situation as a whole they nod in a daze

The boys eyes widen at their easy agreement and he grins, “Thank you so so much! I’ve got to go now, it’s way past my curfew. but you’ll probably see me again next time I get kidnapped–I’ll make sure to put in a good word for you guys with my family bye!”

And just like that Danny slips off into the night leaving behind a family who were so sure they finally found a normal addition to their pack.

Jason sighs looking forlornly at the spot Danny had previously been standing, “You could just never pick the just semi-mentally healthy normal kids could you?”

Bruce groans pinching his the bridge of his nose

#dc x dp #dp x dc #fanfiction #danny phantom #batfam #danny fenton #dp x dc crossover #maybes a fic #this was fun to write so probs part 2 later #Batfam: hello normal son #Danny with practicing the knot he learned in home ed on 37 criminals: hey guys #batfam: fuck #danny is a little shit #it’s up to your interpretation whether or not he’s genuinely clueless about the Waynes being the Bats #or if he’s fucking with them #ohkay going to sleep bye bye #mwah #also we do not see the bad grammar haha gn #veerliwrites

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ymaohoh · 2 months

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Chrissy Cunningham is a Brat - Fic - Oneshot

Munson suddenly gripped hold of her ass so tightly she hissed. “If you’re going to behave like a brat, I’m going to have to punish you.” Jason sees Chrissy and Eddie in the woods. Jason POV. Hellcheer Oneshot.

Word Count: 1,904

No plot. Just smut.

Also on Archive of Our Own.

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Well, your love is worse

Worse than cigarettes

Even if I had twenty in my hands

Jason Carver thought he knew his girlfriend.

Thought Chrissy Cunningham was just like him. They were from the same backgrounds - nice homes, rich parents, good traditional morals and ethics. They’d been boyfriend and girlfriend since junior year when he tied his letterman jacket around her shoulders and told her thought it was time they made it official. Over the course of that year they moved through the ranks and became really popular - he the hotshot athlete, she the pretty cheerleader - and when Chrissy made cheer captain in senior year he knew they were a cinch to be the King and Queen of Hawkins High. It was a cliche for a reason. His parents had met in a similar way.

And yeah that popularity came with side-benefits. And yeah he often abused those benefits because some kids needed a healthy dose of ass-whooping, you know? Needed to know which rung of the social ladder they belonged on. It stopped them from getting too big for their boots. He never did anything illegal but he sure bent some rules.

Chrissy didn’t know about any of that though and his team mates were sworn to secrecy. It was the same bro-code for their girlfriends. None of the teachers would dare make trouble either. His father was good friends with the school governors and would see they were fired if they dared try.

Chrissy was a good girl. She had the right attitude and ideals as him. She went to church and played at cheerleading and looked good and neat in her little uniform.

He would marry her after graduation. His parents would buy them a house nearby and she would give him a couple of kids and no talkback. She’d keep the house real nice while he went to college and in a few years he’d be fucking govenor. The wheels were already in motion. This has all been arranged before middle school.

So when Patrick told him he’d seen Chrissy talking to Eddie Munson of all people Jason told him he was tripping. Why would anyone want to speak to him?

Eddie Munson was a piece of shit trouble maker. Third generation trailer trash. A juvenile delinquent.

“I know what I saw, man. They were whispering together in the library just before first period. Chrissy near jumped into the air when she saw me.”

“Chrissy wouldn’t talk to that freak.”

“Want help finding him, Jase? Give him a reminder of what a creep he is?”

“Nah man. I need to talk to Chrissy first. Maybe he was just bugging her.”

What the hell?

But when he reached the cafeteria at lunch Chrissy wasn’t sitting at their usual table. She didn’t have one of her private tutoring sessions either. He glanced over at the freak table and his eyes narrowed when he saw Eddie wasn’t there either.

He stormed over and clapped one of the freshmen on the shoulder. Hard.

“Where’s your asshole leader?” he asked through gritted teeth. “Shouldn’t he be here making a jackass out of himself like usual?”

The kid with floppy black hair said, “Look man, he’s not here. I don’t know where he is. We don’t want any trouble.”

He asked around his table some more and eventually got wind of a clue. People wanted to help Jason (even if they needed a little encouragement sometimes). A passing cheerleader overheard (Stacey something) and said they thought they saw Chrissy out by the football fields just a few minutes ago. She’d been heading out towards the forest. There was a meeting spot down that way, she added, and Eddie Munson sold weed there.

Jason waved away Patrick’s offer of help and stormed over. He didn’t need back up to take on Eddie Munson.

He’d beat the shit out of that creep if he was selling weed to Chrissy. Or even if he wasn’t. What if he’d lured Chrissy out here on some made up pretence and was now bothering her? Chrissy was sometimes way too trusting for her own good.

I’ll save you, Chrissy.

He followed Stacey’s directions and crept through the woods. He’d never been out here before. He couldn’t see any damn bench.

But then he heard voices. He heard Chrissy’s voice! She sounded weird. Breathless almost.

He drew closer and peered through the trees. The scene before him made him pause. His insides turned to raging fire.

Jason had told her once that “ Good girls like you don’t go near creeps like Eddie Munson .” She hadn’t asked him why.

Chrissy was with Munson, alright.

Oh, this body high

Gives me sleepless nights

It's a million times what any drug could give

And my red eyes

They go twice as wide

It might look like pain but to me it's bliss

They were sitting at the old picnic bench. Or rather, Chrissy was sitting on the top of the picnic bench with her bare knees splayed wide. Her short green and white cheerleading skirt was hiked up so high that he could just about see the creamy skin of her ass.

And Eddie the Freak was standing right in between her legs.

Chrissy had her back to Jason so he could make out Munson’s arms wrapped around her waist. He was holding her so tightly the line of his leather jacket was pressed against Chrissy’s cheer sweater. At least she wasn’t wearing Jason’s God-damn letterman jacket today. He stared at the entwined couple in horror.

Jason didn’t know why he remained hidden. Maybe he just wanted to hear for himself what the hell was going on.

“Eddie…” she sighed in a voice he had never heard before. She never said his name like that. “We have to be more careful. Patrick almost saw us this morning.”

“Fuck Patrick. Fuck your boyfriend.” Munson’s voice was unrecognisable too. Low and raspy.

“If they find out what we’re doing, they’ll hurt you. You know they will. We have to keep this a secret.”

“It’s hard, Chriss. You know how riled up I get when I see you. Especially when you’re in that cheerleading uniform. How’s a man supposed to focus in class when those lips of yours look so fucking delictable. Makes me just want to taste them.”

Jason watched as they began to kiss but it wasn’t anything like how he kissed Chrissy. Chrissy usually held still when they made out, but this Chrissy was kissing Munson like she couldn’t get enough of him. He could see the way she opened her mouth wide for him so he could slip in his tongue.

Munson nipped at her neck and she giggled. “Eddie! You’re not listening to me.”

Munson’s hands were roaming across her back and down to her hips. Chrissy reached down and took his hand, stilling it.

“I’m listening, baby. We have to be more careful. No more little looks. No more notes. No way the school can find out that goodie two-shoes Chrissy Cunningham likes being fucked by the freak Eddie Munson.”

He rocked his hips up against her and she gasped at the impact.

“Like that, baby?”

“Mmm. You know I do.”

“Say it then. Tell me how much you like it.”

Jason couldn’t see but he could guess from the look on Munson’s face she was pulling one of her cute little pouts. She raised her chin defiantly. “Or what? You’ll walk away? I know you like this too. I can feel how much you like it. You’re fucking rock hard for me.”

Munson suddenly gripped hold of her ass so tightly she hissed.

“If you’re going to behave like a brat, I’m going to have to punish you.”

“What are you going to do? Spank me? Pull my hair?”

Munson ceased his movements and though he kept hold of her, he drew his hips back a little to put some distance between them.

Jason hated how Chrissy seemed to groan at that.

“You love it when I spank you, Chriss. You always get so fucking wet from it. Remember a month ago at Reefer Rick’s where you came so beautifully on my cock? I couldn’t believe how wet you were. You made the most pretty noises, baby.”

“I remember Eddie.”

“Then what did we do?”

“I put your cock in my mouth and you went down on me at the same time.”

“You tasted so good, Chriss. Like strawberries and cream. You were gagging ‘round my cock, babe. You got it so far down that little throat.”

Munson began tracing circles down her thighs. Chrissy was leaning into him brazenly, reaching again for contact with his body.

Jason didn’t recognise this Chrissy at all. It was like she was one of those girls on porn tapes. He heard the gentle clink of metal as Chrissy began undoing the heavy belt. The noise of a zip being dragged down was almost obscene.

“Oh Eddie, please. I want you now.”

“What? One look at my cock and you fall in line? Tell me what I want to hear.”

They kissed again and it was passionate and needy. Chrissy was almost shaking from want.

“I love being fucked by Eddie Munson.”

“You missed this cock didn’t you, princess? Tell me how much you missed it,” Eddie said, his voice low and quiet. He traced her face with his fingers and tipped her chin up

“I missed it so much. I couldn’t even pay attention in class. All I could think about is how much I want you.”

“Good girl.”

Munson dragged down Chrissy’s underwear and shoved it in his back pocket. He once again wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her close to him. His other arm snaked under her knee, pushing it back so he could get as deep as possible.

Jason heard Chrissy hiss as Munson’s cock slid inside her.

“Fuck, Eddie. You’re so big. You feel so big inside me.”

“That’s it, baby. Take every inch in.”

“It feels so good.”

Munson began rutting up into her and Chrissy dug her nails into his shoulders. She then twisted a hand up into his long curls which made Munson groan.

“I know. It’s why you keep coming back. Fucking Carver won’t do this, will he? Wants to wait until he’s got that ring on your finger.”

“ Eddie …”

“But Carver won’t be able to do this, Chriss. It won’t feel like this.”

“No,” she moaned. “You’re so fucking perfect, Eddie. You fit inside me so good.”

“That’s it, Chriss.”

“Make me come Eddie. Make me scream.”

“Hold onto me, baby…I’ve got you.”

Jason couldn’t watch anymore.

Fuck this.

A big part of him wanted to charge over there and knock that disgusting smug look off Munson’s face. Wanted to wipe away that look of utter need from Chrissy’s. But he didn’t. He turned away and stormed off back towards the school.

Fuck that freak. Fuck that slut. They were welcome to each other.

He didn’t see Eddie’s gaze on his back. Or the winning smirk that played on his lips.

Well, if it's unhealthy then I don't give a damn

'Cause even if it kills me, I'll always take your hand

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A/N: A/N: You know, writing for Jason ain't fun. He's an asshole but the actor who plays him is so nice in interviews. Ah well. Enjoy some Hellcheer fucking. Lyrics are from Unhealthy by Anne-Marie and Shania.

#chrissy x eddie #edssy #hellcheer #eddie munson #eddie x chrissy #hellcheer fanfic #hellcheer headcanons #chrissy cunningham #eddissy #pure smut #no plot #Jason Carver POV #brat kink

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kittyanonymity · 4 years

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Hi yes, I KNOW this isn’t one of my OTHER projects, but this song gives me major Damian and Adrien vibes. I like to think Adrien and Damian could bond over shitty parents, Damian about his mom, and Adrien about his dad. Managed to get this typed up between breaks on ALiG; chapter 6 is making steady progress finally lol This would be a Daminette/Jondrien fic, with Damian and Adrien Bros.

It won’t let me post the whole song on tumblr for some reason?? So here’s a proper link.

More below the cut about the particular AU this spawned, as well as the lyrics.

(also this whole album/band kicks ass, I highly recommend)

((ALSO ALSO this is actually a Brucelie -BruceXEmilie-fic too))

tw for casual weed smoking mention I guess? and abuse themes definitely

I am your son, you are my mother I'm on my own, you're not my lover Don't tell me how to live

I am your son, you are my father You led us like lambs on our way to the slaughter Who do you think you are?

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses X6

I am your son, she's not my mother You think she's perfect, to me, just another Do you think it's okay?

But I am your son, for worse or for better Despite the fact that you a homewrecker I guess that's who you are

One, two, three I know you lied to me I can see Now that I'm free

It's me and the black roses X18

SO the idea here is this.

Obviously the parts in the beginning about the mother are from Damian’s point of view, and about the oppression he dealt with while in her care. Talia for those who aren’t as into DC is just, WOW levels of awful. She’s controlling, and very much trying to map out all of Damian’s life; and when Damian’s young, he’s fine with this. It’s kind of a classic case of ‘mother knows best’, but at its absolute worst. This starts to change once Damian goes to stay with his father in canon of course. Age Range for Damian: 10 to 12 or so?

The next three lines of lyrics are more from Adrien’s/Chat’s perspective; the ‘lambs led to slaughter’ are Adrien and the rest of the Miraculous team, and it really is about how angry Adrien is at his father for what’s he’s done to his family, and his friends. I imagine in the background during this part Adrien realizing his father is Hawkmoth during the final altercation; Gabriel will try to Akumatize him, and before Ladybug can step in, Chat cataclysms the butterfly, and just starts. BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIS FATHER. They’re like 18 at this point, and his transformation wears off as he goes to take the Miraculous, and once it does, Gabriel kicks him off. The fight gets ugly, but Ladybug had managed to before this fight, fix the peafowl miraculous. And when she heals Emilie while Chat’s fighting, the woman wakes up in time to see her son go flying. She beats his ass with the assistance of Ladybug. It’s gonna get sappy after that. Ages for this Adrien/Mari: 18; they’ll leave paris 4 years later, to Gotham.

Following that, the next four lines I generally see being from both boys; Damian, once he’s embraced living with his father and brothers, and becoming Robin, reflecting on how his mother was wrong; and Adrien, once his father is in prison and he moves to the states with Marinette, Chloe, and his mother and begins to find peace without the overbearing nature of his father. Maybe there will also be some true Felix and Adrien bonding?? Amelie will definitely show up cause like, holy shit, hr sister is back???! Once again, here’s ages: Mari/Adrien: 22, Damian: 23, Jon: 21

The ‘Black Roses’, for me, can be interpreted in a couple different ways. One, both boys hail from wealth; Adrien as a model, and Damian as both an Al Ghul, and the Wayne heir. Canonically, we know Bruce cultivates roses, and I’d imagine they’re grown in grief; much the same for Adrien, as his father didn’t much care for any flowers until his mother ‘died’. Two, it could just symbolize both boys breaking away from, and grieving, what they never really had; albeit, a bit angrily given the tone of the song.

And following the first chorus, we dive a little into how Damian feels about Selina, initially. He doesn’t trust her, doesn’t want her around his family, and certainly not around his father, who is, disturbingly, the more stable parent (we all know how fucked up Brucie really is, poor man) the boy’s had. And he maybe resents Bruce a little bit, cause like, why couldn’t he have loved Talia? Why this woman? When Selina and Bruce break up, he’s even more angry because he’d been starting to like Selina and seeing them both hurting is annoying for him. It does pass of course, like things usually do. He’s shocked when Bruce introduces Emilie. It’s hard not to like her though. Selina and Bruce break up when he’s 15, and he meets Emilie when he’s 23.

The next Few lines are once again more Adrien focused, his own reflecting on how he’s his father’s son. By this point in the lyrics, he’s met Jon, and he’s terrified of hurting him how his father hurt Emilie; he doesn’t want to be anything like Gabriel, but the media has done a bit of a number on him the last few years. This is where he and Damian also start to find they have a bit more in common than they thought.

I like to imagine the last bit of the song is these 2 blessed boys bonding over trauma slowly but surely, feat. Adrien teasing Damian over Mari (because she’s literally everyone’s crush!!), and Damian hissing half threats back to tell Jon about the hearts in Adrien’s notebook. With a guest appearance from!! Overprotective Bros Damian and Adrien with a Visiting Nino, who’s really just happy to have a Third Bro, and So Stoked to be Here. Chloe and Marinette are wondering where they went wrong. Damian teaches Adrien how to deal with trauma in a Better Way, and Adrien teaches Damian how to Be Silly.

(Three Older Robins are S C A R E D )

AND THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PROPER OUTLINE.

Ages by the end are all about 23 or so, one moment, math time....

Ok, yeah, 23 or so. As fun as it is writing teenagers again, I love writing them as adults because it opens up the door for deeper character introspection, and i am A SLUT for that shit! Plus that means Jason and Tim can smoke weed and no one can tell me otherwise. OOH AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR EMILIE AND ALFRED BONDING!!! THEY’RE BOTH PEACOCKS! I do NOT need another story to write but wow this idea is really growing on me I tell you what.

And this doesn’t even hardly TOUCH on what Marinette and the girls have been up to in the background because holy shit. A team made of Mari, Chloe, and Emilie with Alya as back up when she shows up, plus Amelie; add in the Wayne girls and it’s CHAOS.

And Bruce, well.

He can’t remember a time when the manor was so lively; and he surprisingly wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I might put together a proper outline at some point but who knows lol It’s taken me ages to get the will to type this out; I’ve had this in my head since like October of 2019 I think?? so a few months

also I totally blame the inclusion of Brucilie on @kandoesfanfics-writes or littlekittykanny over on Ao3; I’ve absolutely fallen in love with the way they write Bruce and Emilie and it found its way in there! Thank you for introducing me to this beautiful ship!! <3

see you guys soon hopefully! <3

small tag list cause I think you guys might like this idea :3

@casualdarkness @northernbluetongue @2sunchild2 @ivymala07 @chez-pezeater @persephonebutkore @weird-pale-blonde-person @crazylittlemunchkin @thequestionablyhuman @da-tasuky @vivilakitty @zerotosiki @mikantsume @fandomkitty8 @miraculous786

#maribat #mlb x dc #daminette #jondrien #I've had this stewing in my head for MONTHS btw #I like the idea of Adrien and Damian being bros #eventually #adrien is still sunshine and damian is still grumpy #but ya know #traumatized versions of that i suppose #maridami

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smokeybrand · 3 years

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Smokey brand Postmortem: You Suck

I don’t really talk about my love for Mortal Kombat near as much as i do for Marvel, Fate, Star Wars, or Batman, but i adore that bloody franchise. Seriously, the vast majority of this blog is just Marvel and Star Wars content but, i mean, I'm an Eighties baby. That was a massive chunk of our childhoods. See? Even in an essay bout Mortal Kombat, Marvel and Star Wars found it’s way into the conversation. I have a problem but that’s not the problem i want to address in this essay. The problem i have with this one, is the f*cking Mortal Kombat release that just dropped. F*ck did they get so much wrong! I haven’t felt this frustrated with a movie since The Old Guard. I wanted this to be a Comparison but, as i tried to coalesce my thoughts about both films, it became mad apparent to me that the Nineties version of this movie would runaway with it. How is it possible that a film which came out twenty-six years ago, sh*ts all over one with modern shooting techniques and effects? How can a PG-13 movie, saturated with tongue-in-cheek camp and constant nods to the camera, do the Enter the Dragon knock-off franchise more justice that the blockbuster, R-rated, third attempt? Yeah, so this is a postmortem now.

Issue: Cole Young

Why? F*cking why? Listen, I'm all for reimaginings. I love when people can take an established work, recontextualize it, and present something new but familiar. That’s why i keep seeing Batman movies. You can only tell that dude’s story so many times but it’s how you present that story which grabs me. I like the idea of Cole. A fresh face for the audience to view these fantastical circumstances through? Good idea. I hate the execution of Cole. Punk ass weenie who literally develops powers by getting his ass kicked, portrayed by an actor who can’t act, but brought in because of his stunt background, only to nerf the physicality of the role, relegating dude’s greatest strength to his greatest weakness? F*cking, why?

Fix 1: Drop Cole Young, Start Liu Kang

Look, Liu Kang IS Mortal Kombat. He’s their Ryu. He’s their Link. He’s their guy. Drop the family. Drop the Scorpion stuff. Drop the professional fight thrower shtick Build him up as a dude who learned all of this in the Buddhist orphanage he grew up in, denying all of it as just legend and storytelling, until he’s attacked by Sub-Zero. Force him to fight Subby-boy, only to get his ass beat without his Arcana, but have Jax save him just in time. Basically follow Cole’s plot going forward with an emphasis on Liu’s training.

Issue: Shang Tsung

Listen, Ng Chin Han is a get. Dude is a decent actor and i enjoyed he take on the shapeshifter but come on? If you’re not trying to do a Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, you’re doing it wrong. Shang Tsung should be snarky, quippy, and overconfident. This dude has won nine straight Mortal Kombat tournaments. It’s fine for him to be conniving and deceitful, Deadly Alliance, but this version of Shang is just too flaccid for the title. Hell, when Tagawa came back for the game, he STILL exuded that same smarmy energy and it was perfect.

Fix 2: Give Shang Tsung more agency

I, personally, love smarmy Shang Tsung but if you want to go different, go brutal. Make Shang the spear head of the offense. Give him a seen where he is just mowing down jobber monks in Raiden’s temple before getting real intimate with Hung Lao. Have Tsung absolutely brutalized Lao as Liu watches, breaking his neck before sucking the sole out of his limp body. You got an R, Lean into that sh*t. You gotta give Liu that Chan moment. Lao’s death not only establishes Shang as a straight up force, but activates Liu’s Arcana, fulfilling the prophecy.

Issue: The f*cking prophecy

Bro, you gotta get rid of all the Scorpion prophecy sh*t. That doesn’t fit. It doesn’t make any sense. The prophecy is supposed to be a foreshadowing of Outworld’s downfall. Tying everything to Scorpion and Sub-Zero just because Ed Boon loves the character is kind of ridiculous. And that’s coming from me, a guy who uses Scorpion as his main since MKI. I love Scorpion, Dude is my favorite character in the entire franchise but giving him such a prominent role in this first film was a mistake.

Fix 3: Make it the Shaolin Prophecy

Have Shang Tsung send Sub-Zero into the Shaolin Temple with a team of Jobbers, probably Tarkatan or other Lin Kuei, and murder everyone. It is whispered that a great champion, kin to Master Kung Lao, would defeat the armies of Outworld, sealing Earthrealm off from the Emperor's grasp. baby Liu and Kung are saved, sent off to an orphanage in the US where they grow up in an orphanage run by a weird old man who tells stories. Eventually, the two separate, Kung returns to their homeland, Liu stays in the states, and they live their lives. Fast forward a bit and Shang gets wind that there are two survivors and he dispatches Sub-Zero to go after Liu. Fast forward to the temple, Liu reconnects with his cousin, Kung, who explains his powers activated during a battle against, let’s say... Baraka? Raiden feels it, recruits Kung Lao, who has been training in the temple ever since. He spars with Liu, teaching him the secrets her learned from Master Bo Rai Cho, until Raiden’s Temple is singed. Everything lays out like it did in the film except Liu watched Lao die at the hand of Shang, his Dragon Arcana activates, and the Sorcerer knows he dun goof’d.

Issue: Fights

The fighting sucked in this, man. It was shot like none of the principal actors were physical enough to pull off the fight scenes, which is ridiculous, because that opening scene was exceptional and those dues are old as f*ck. The dude who plays Scorpion, Hiroyuki Sanada, is f*cking sixty, man. You’re telling me these youngsters with actual stunt backgrounds, can’t give me a scrap as entertaining as a sixty year old man? Word?

Fix 4: Oh, there’s a lot here, bud

First, shoot the scraps better. Holy sh*t, that Taken editing was stupid. We live in an age of John Wick, The Raid, and Jason Bourne films, but you chose to shoot these scenes like this? Really? Bro, no. Hell, the fights in Enter the Dragon are some of the best I've eve seen and that motherf*cker dropped forty-eight years ago. Just do whatever he f*ck they did, just do it with a modern twist. Two, cast motherf*ckers that can believable execute the choreography. The chick that played Sonya in the first one, had to learn her fighting n set during the downtime of production because she as late to the shoot. THAT chick was a more believable fighter than the dude who played Cole and that was his f*cking job before he was an actor! F*cking, how?? Three, hire better stunt coordinators. These fights needed to be plotted out much better. Sure, fatalities are cool and special moves are awesome but they aren’t necessary. Liu Kang through one fireball in the first MK film and it was ll the better for it. I don’t need giant flame dragons and head claps and sh*t, i just need brutal, intense, violence inflicted upon a person. These people are in the fight for their lives. I need to feel that. Four, hire more jobbers. Too many actual named characters died in this movie. Too many actual named characters appeared in this movie. Why the f*ck was Nitara in this?

Look, there’s still SO much i would change about this flick. The costumes, the tone, the choice in music, the writing; All need to be adjusted. I would hold Scorpion back until sequel. Have him breaking out of the Netherrealm as a post credit stinger or something. This movie is broken and i think that’s because WB just made this thing to secure rights or a a backdoor pilot for HBO max content. Either way, this movie is bad, man and it didn’t have to be. You can make dope ass, martial arts films, on the cheap, especially when you “ground them in reality.” Why the f*ck didn’t that happen here? How the f*ck is the budget so high, and the film so cheap looking? I miss the ingenuity of the Eighties. Cats had to figure out how to make sh*t work because CG was too expensive. Now, that sh*t is everywhere and it’s a detriment to film. That sh*t takes casualties out of practical films and Mortal Kombat is definitely one of those.

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goldkirk · 4 years

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The OG Batkids, a sleep deprived summary (a thread):

i hope you enjoy this i have poured out all my heart and soul and love for these damn kids i love so much especially Tim

Dick aka Nightwing aka what the FUck, RICHard: the OG batkid, grew up as a circus acrobat with his parents til they were murdered mid-routine, yay trauma. Bruce is at this circus that night and he looks at Alfred and Alfred looks back like don't u dare don't u--goddamnit u dumbass ugh. fine. i guess we're gonna have a kid in the manor again. damn. all right fine. So Dickie boy goes home with Bruce, is loved, becomes Robin, kicks ass, grows up more, leads the Teen Titans, is like "i'm too OLD for Robin I gotta go my OWN WAY DAD" and becomes Nightwing, continues leading the Titans. Absolute ray of sunshine, also very serious when necessary, smart and insanely skilled physically, FANTASTIC older brother material down the road once he gets over the shock of having more younger siblings. The Glue That Holds This Family Together So Help Me God You Will All Get Along Or I'll Cry And Make You All Die Of Guilt Including Bruce. Becomes an Actual Police Officer/Detective, while being Nightwing and also occasionally taking up Batman's mantle when Batman needs him to or is uhhhhh "dead". Basically Damian's second parent tbh bc the kid imprinted on him like a baby bird hahahaha get it, Robin? Baby bird? I'll show myself out

Jason Todd, aka holy questionable judgement Batman the kid tried to maim you!!! but also now you have a rad new child so whatever I guess: ANGRY BIG HEARTED BOY!!!!! Kid has like three separate retconned backgrounds but the general fandom agreed upon one is that his dad is in jail, momma is a drug addict, then dies, and Jason hits the streets. This little shit decides hey, sweet hubcaps on this Batmobile here, i'm just finna take that oh shit. Batman's back. what do i do hmm HIT HIM WITH THE NUT TOOL YEAH BUDDY!!!! oh snap batman can hold me up with one arm and he wants...to feed me??? Long story short, Jason becomes Kid #2, Robin #2, is THRILLED AS HELL. Such a wild little nerd. Loves books and school, kicks ass, and then Oh No the Joker takes him, tortures him, and then Jason dies from beating injuries and a warehouse explosion. Holy shit. BUT NEVER FEAR!!!! He wakes up in his coffin months later!!! Buried! crawls up through the earth, exists in a zombie ih state on the streets for a bit, gets taken by Talia and the League of Assassins, dumped in a Lazarus Pit, goes back to Gotham and is SUPER PISSED for reasons i will get into, tries to kill some Robins and fights with bruce, murders people, slowly rehabs, starts building his life back up, is rad although much more violent than before. Good Egg at heart. Learning to slowly be a big bro and like, exist again. Good Friend to tight group of people. V good fighter. V soft literature nerd deep down. #letRedHoodgotogradschool2k19

Cass aka Cassandra aka not-so-secretly the one Bruce is prone to playing favorites with lol: Cass. My Love. She was deprived of speech and physical contact as a kid, baby of assassins, and her dad raised her. Totally abused and tortured her as part of assassin training, like "two for flinching" but with bullets and such. Rip. She doesn't like that, wants love, also has INSANE skills to like rival Batman's own. Bruce takes one look at this kid and is like. Oh hell. Oh no. This has gotta be fixed. Welcome to my new daughter, Alfred get a room ready, this one deserves love, and so she operates semi-independently as Black Bat and for a short stint as Batgirl, and kicks ass, and Bruce brings her into a Real Family, she's able to learn speech and stuff but still deals with brain trauma structurally from all the delays and neglect, she's AMAZING and cool and everyone loves Cass. Can read body language better than, like, anyone, would likely beat Batman 1v1 no joke. Quiet, reserved, absolute cinnamon roll, loves bonding and love. Cares A Lot. Will Take Down Armies If Necessary. V dear to Bruce's heart. Her mom like, killed her once, too, it's a long story, whatever, turned out fine in the end and she's free of the bad guys and living her best life that she can with what she's got (also, her dad made her assassinate a business man as a kid, she was like. i don't have language yet but holy shit. i'm feeling things that don't line up with this. this feels bad and wrong. no. and she ran away at like? AGE 8 OR SMTHN and wasn't seen again for years until she rescues commissioner gordon and is like sup batman and he's like you're gonna be my new kid now you're so cool. i love my murder children)

Tim, aka Little Stalker Timmy, aka sleep deprived little genius, aka “All My Friends Are Dead” in person form, aka absentee parent poster child, holy neglect batman: Ok ok so after Jason dies Bruce is like slipping hardcore. He's angry. He's grieving. He's self destructing in an alarming spiral, and it's up to like Baby Teenager tim drake to save him!!!!! According to tim, anyway. Tim is a genius. Tim is a rich kid who lives next door to Bruce. Tim was in the audience too when Dick's parents died, and this little hooligan is obsessed with Batman and Robin, and sees Dick to a quad flip and is like holy moly me oh my the only one who can do that is Dick Grayson HE'S ROBIN BRUCE IS BATMAN OH GOLLY and this little dumbass spends years as a kid (possibly) tailing Batman and Robin through Gotham taking photos at night and (absolutely) learning forensics and martial arts and stuff. What a STUPID little genius.

Anyway, he's like okay Robin 2 is dead bc Jason died. that explains why Robin vanished and Batman is off his rocker. Clearly, I have to fix this, bc I talked with Dick and he isn't gonna be Robin again and Batman Needs A Robin. So he ROLLS INTO THE BATCAVE, and is like "so bruce--hi, i'm tim, stop screaming, it's fine--batman, whatever, you need a robin. and i'm it." and bruce is like fuck. what the Fuck. who is this shrimp of a small human how does he know me the last thing i need is ANY CHILD what. and he's like "no, tiny child," and tim is like "cute, but I wasn't asking" and bullies his way into the most grueling training saga Bruce ever put anyone through. Kid just doesn't quit. Anyway, Batman finally accepts him as Robin, blah blah blah trauma blah blah mother dies blah blah father is murdered, whoops, and what do you know, Tim--DOESN'T get adopted?? nope. he makes up a fake uncle, pays a man off to pretend, lives by himself in the city, stuff happens, bruce is like you're a dumbass, tim is like yeah u right, BAM tim is a wayne!!!! Welcome home buddy Alfred and Bruce missed you!!! super good and close with Cass, they lived together for a while. Anyway. Tim loses like half the people he loves, then Bruce "dies", except tim is like HE AIN'T DEAD and no one believes him and Dick takes Robin away from him and gives it to lil D, and Tim goes on this crazzzy round the world quest to save Bruce, and is forced to work with Ras, who is freakishly interested in Tim and also hundreds of years old and undead and in charge of the League full of assassins, and Tim loses his spleen, and gets beat up a lot, blah blah blah eventually he gets Bruce back, also gets nearly murdered by both Jason and Damian at least once or twice, but now things are pretty ok. Has been large part of Teen Titans and Young Justice during periods of his life. Acts as CEO of Wayne Enterprises while Bruce is gone, is awesome, gets fake shot in the spine to throw journalists off his scent. Kid is a mini-bruce in terms of strategy, amazing. Literally always sleep deprived, running on coffee, Actual Disaster Child, so smart but so dumb. Takes up Red Robin mantle and comes into his own. you know that "all my friends are dead" book? that's Tim! but like, in the cool relatable teenager way? where everyone's dead but you have cool hoodies and are always tired and like snarking at bad guys every 2 seconds.

and then we have DAMIAN, Biological Baby, Heir to the Throne of Gondor or whatever, the one true Wayne by blood, who is the Demon Murder Child who is getting better, bless him: Damian is the child of Bruce and Talia, long story short, heir to both the al Ghul empire of assassins and all that jazz AND the Wayne line. Bruce didn't know about him for YEARS while his mother had him constantly training (read: EXTREMELY abusive training, poor Damian) to be a great assassin leader to rival or surpass even Batman. Kid got grown in an artificial womb bc Ras and Talia were like Bat Wayne. Bruce man. HE is the optimal genetic combo with Talia to carry on the al Ghul line and tradition. Yes. Anyway, pre-teen Damian gets dropped with Bruce (long story short) who is like what. the FUCK. I have a KID?! and Damian is like YOU'RE ALL FUCKIN PRETENDERS AND DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN MY FATHER'S PRESENCE, ESPECIALLY YOU, DRAKE, WHO IS ROBIN RN, STAB STAB. Poor Tim. Anyway, Damian is a KICKASS fighter, and has been rehabbed to a great extent by his family so far. Very arrogant and stuff still, and still talks much more formally than most people, but he's more of a kid now, and has compassion and empathy in his own way, plays video games sometimes now, and oh my GOSH this kid LOVES ANIMALS. Like he's slowly assembling a zoo at wayne manor and Bruce is like how do we keep getting all these pets. Damian I gave you a dog and Damian's like we are WELL past that and the whole family is now bonded with Batcow so she can't leave now. and bruce is like you know what this isn't even the weirdest thing I've dealt with this week, whatever honestly. Just take care of them properly. Damian is an artist, and he's bonding with little bitty superboy Jon, and learning to be a part of a new generation of Teen Titans some of the time. Also he's an incredible fighter. GREAT. And he's like super bonded with Dick, he loves Dick more than anyone besides Bruce, and he and Tim constantly fight but it's an improvement from actual murder attempts, so Tim will take it. Damian is growing and everyone is helping the murder child, like, learn to be a human child instead of a weapon. And he's probably gonna be a vigilante vet when he grows up, i bet.

#batfam #dick grayson #tim drake #jason todd #damian wayne #cassandra cain #dc

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bonzhur · 4 years

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"I have 4 brothers (one of them is younger and the two oldest are quite a lot older) so I was thinking maybe a Damian Wayne x reader (16+) where Damian and reader are secretly dating and Damian bumps in to the reader whilst they are both out with their siblings. Maybe a few of them know each other from school and they wanna hang out and Damian and the reader try and pretend they don’t know each other so their siblings don’t make a big deal about their relationship but maybe somehow they let it slip."

~♪~♪~♪~♪~♪~

Oh my gosh...

First off, I'm so sorry for not checking my asks, college and now this world wide issue. I'm so sorry!! *Bows* Please forgive me!!!

Second, I hope you can still enjoy this late reply, I'm really sorry ;-;

Guys, the keys for this story are these;

B1- Brother 1

B2- Brother 2

B3- Brother 3

Again, I am so sorry! P.S. details are lacking so I choose them for you... You'll see what mean later. Please enjoy this late reply, again, I'm so sorry!

~•~•~•~•~

I sighed as I sat on the mahogany bench, my sweat rolling down my skin as I tried to catch my breath.

"B1!"

The screech of my younger brother can probably be heard throughout the entire park, heck, maybe even Gotham. But I get how he's feeling, I'm ticked as well after all.

"What on earth gave you the great idea to drag me out of my bed to go jogging with you!" I turned my head to see B3 jabbing his finger at B1, who's just trying not to laugh. Yea, let's see that smug grin later when I beat ya for interrupting my sleep.

"What's wrong, lil bro?" B1 chuckled as he skipped a few feet away from him, holding his hands up in defense. "Not my fault you lack vitamin D and been hold up in your room with your video games, you and y/n both."

"Excuse you!" I immediately sat up and glare at my brother. "But my babies needed me, okay!"

A hand came suddenly and messed up my already bad bed hair. Not my fault B1 dragged me out of bed with no preparations, again whatever. I swatted the hand away, glaring at B2.

"Hey, I understand your struggle." He said with a look of understanding. "I bought you that switch with animal crossing remember."

I huffed and crossed my arms. Not my fault I got addicted to the game, not my fault it's one of the only games I can play with him.

A smile started forming on my face as I thought of him. Damian Wayne, son of billionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne, a student in Gotham High, and my absolutely hot boyfriend. Can't deny how toned and defined his body is~ And that ass is mine, so back off bishes! If only I can say that...

You see Damian may be my boyfriend, but we're in a secret relationship. Yea, sucks to be me alright. I do understand where he's coming from though. It's not about his image (he'd throw that away cuz he don't care) and definitely not his family, though he's adamant that I can't meet them yet (something about them never ending teasing and him not trusting they can keep a secret, also the fact that he wants to know how long it takes for them to figure it out). It's about me.

In Gotham High, I'm just a lucky smart kid, who got a scholarship. No one really pays attention to me, especially since there's more interesting people. So finding out a normal person like me is his girlfriend, let's just say it wouldn't end well. His fans would bully me relentlessly, people would assume I'm a gold digger or just a hoe. The rumours, the lies, the fights, the many ways this can go from great to worst. It's not the best situation to be, especially when Damian isn't always there to be by my side. Anything can happen and that anything scares both of us.

I groan as I quickly fixed up my hair into a high pony. It's bad enough that Damian doesn't go easy on me during training and now my big bro wants me to exercise in my rest day, not cool.

"let's just get this over with." I stood up, glaring at B1 as he innocently whistles. "I have a date with my bed and switch after this."

"So you're cheating on Pizza? With bed and switch? That's harsh." B2 cried as he clenched his hand over his chest, like the drama queen that he is.

"Maybe I should take Pizza out on a date later? Seeing as you're busy." B1 joked, fixing his black tank top like it was a suit.

"ha ha, very funny you two." Rolling my e/c eyes, I crossed my arms and walked towards them. "Now can we please just go?"

"fine, as soon as B3 stops complaining." B1 chuckled, causing me to sigh.

"I swear you three are making me loo-" All of a sudden, I felt someone bump into me and like dramatic girl, I nearly fell. But thankfully the culprit grabbed my wrist, saving me from the fall. I turn to the next victim on my list and was met with the mesmerizing green eyes of my surprised boyfriend. Shock dawned on my expression as I could only whisper. "Dami?"

"Habibti." Damian whispered back, I assume getting lost in my e/c eyes as well. Or maybe it was my sports outfit, who knows.

He pulled me up to stand and I was about to say something when I heard my brother called for me in the background. This snapped me back to reality and away from the Dreamland of Damian's eyes, pulling my hand back and stepping away from him. He did the same, now definitely looking at my outfit.

Now remember how B1 dragged me to the park for a jog. Well, it's extremely hot today and I'm not about to get out in the burning sun without a proper outfit. I.E. shorts, a tank top, running shoes, and my Batfam cap (a humor gift from B3. jokes on him, I love this hat). Now seeing how Damian is looking at my outfit, I can already tell what he's thinking, he's look at me with lust and want after all. Sweet Lord, if you're there. Please say me from this predicament I'm in. I want to walk please!

"Yo Dick, how ya been?" The voice of B1, surprised me as I turn to them. Eyes widening when I realized that Damian was with his brothers and sister. I think it dawned on Damian too, because now he moved more away from me. Sad but hey, secret relationship after all.

"Nothing much B1." Dick Grayson turned to me, eyes holding a flirtious glint when he saw me. "This your younger sister? Y/n?" He asked naturally, not like he ate me up with his eyes.

"Yea, she is." B1 said, like the confused idiot that he is. "Y/n, this is one of my old friends, Dick."

"Hi..." That's my poor attempt at interacting with people, brought to you by Social Anxiety and Depression!

"Name's Dick Grayson, this is my sister, Cass. My brothers, Jason, Tim, and Damian, who I think you met."

"Don't fool around, Grayson." Damian interrupted him. "I don't even know her."

"But you guys had a connection! Don't deny it!" Dick defended, while Cass giggled and Jason smirked at this, knowing a fight is near. Tim just went and laid on the bench, within seconds, he's asleep. Dude, the fu-

"Okay! Break it off." B2 said, pushing Dick away from Damian. "Me and my siblings have to go and finish our jog."

"oh, us too." Jason piped up. "Mind if we joined?"

"Sure, why not." B1 said instantly.

"wait, what?" Says my confused brain.

So during the jog, they explained how they knew each other, Jason to B2 and Dick to B1. Being from the same school and all that stuff, having a little fun reunion. Cass and B3 are watching Tim, who is barely awake but jogging too. I'm both amazing and confused at the same time. As for me and Damian, well..

We decided to jog the slowest, being at the back where none of them can see us or barely hear us. You can imagine how Damian teased me about my outfit and how after he's done with me, I can't stand for a week. Add some 'accidental' touching here and there, maybe a peck or two in secret. I'm actually surprised no one saw or questioned us.

Yea, that's how I felt until the end. Where Tim and B3 basically almost threw up because me and Damian are being too lovey dovey in the back.

"WHAT!"

Oh the chaos, how both B1 and Dick were celebrating about their siblings having a significant other, how B2 and Jason had a talk with each other about what to do if one of us broke the other's heart, and Cass being a sweet girl and congratulating us. She's the best.

At first, we tried to deny it, it's not like that, etc, etc. Then Tim pointed out that Damian called me Habibti, which we both, again, tried to deny it. Until Dick kabedons me and Damian attacked him. So now, they know that we're dating... Great.

Atleast now I can go to his house and be with him without fearing if his siblings see. Let me tell you, it was hella alot more fun than before.

~•~•~•~

First off, again I'm so sorry. Second, I literally typed this for an hour and a half. I need sleep.. Not my best work, please forgive me at that. It's been years or months since I last made a one shot and it's obvious in the fic, Atleast to me.

Thanks for reading this late reply post!

#damian wayne imagine #damian wayne x reader #damian wayne #batfamily #latepost #writing shit #itslateiwanttosleep #sorryreaderforlatereply #submission

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patronusofthepugs · 5 years

Text

The McCormicks Are On Their Way

“Fuck, Karen, who fought in the War of Roses again? Wasn’t it a bunch of pissy Englishmen?”

Kenny frowned and tapped his fingers rhythmically on the wobbly table. His history textbook and notes were spread out around him, a collage of scribbled writing and portraits of stuffy old men glaring at him from his textbook. Fucking bastards, he wished one of them would open their painted mouths and help him write this stupid history report.

Karen laughed from the living room. “Kenny, we’ve been over this! The War of Roses was between the House of York and……?

“…The Lannisters?”

“That’s Game of Thrones, moron, but you’re on the right track, it’s the House of Lancasters.”

Kenny groaned and buried his head into his arms. God, fuck this paper and fuck the British, especially their dumb fights and stupid names. He stood up and chucked his history book onto the floor with the rest of junk.

Eh, the paper could wait another day or two. Kenny ambled into the living room and threw himself onto the couch, sprawling next to Karen. She turned to look at him, smiling at Kenny’s pouty face.

“How’s the paper coming, Einstein?” she said teasingly.

Kenny sighed, “It would be going a lot better if the English would use different names instead of naming every bastard, George or Henry. Just once, couldn’t they have named a kid with a cooler name like Jason. But anyway, how the hell do you know so much about the British monarchy? You’re eleven, you weirdo kid” he said turning to squint at his sister.

Karen huffed and flicked his nose, “Uh, because the British monarchy is totally in right now! Haven’t you seen the newest reality show about Queen Elizabeth? God, she’s such a bad bitch, she flipped off like a whole bunch of reporters at her husband’s funeral and told everyone to kiss her royal ass. Now she’s traveling around London getting into pub fights and gambling away the family jewels. I hope I’m like her when I’m old and wrinkly.”

Kenny chuckled and shook his head, “’Sure Kiddo, when you’re old and wearing adult diapers, I’ll break you out of the nursing home and we’ll go to Las Vegas to rule the casino scene.”

Karen grinned and held out her pinky, “Promise?”

Kenny carefully hooked his pinky around hers, “I promise.”

The McCormick siblings grinned at each other in unison before flinching as the front door suddenly flew open. Kenny shot to his feet, his arm outstretched in front of Karen as he warily eyed his drunk parents stumbling into the house. Dad stood in the doorway, staring at them with bleary eyes and a tired frown while his Mom took off for the kitchen, stumbling and cursing over the trash on the floor.

“Alright Kare Bear, off to your room now. I’ll come and get you later for some ice cream,” Kenny whispered to his sister, gently tugging her up from the couch. Karen only nodded, her brown eyes glued nervously to the floor and her shoulders hunched forward as she slowly shuffled away from Kenny.

He waited until she had left the room before sitting back down onto the couch with a sigh and bringing his knees to his chest. Time to watch the fire works as always.

Dad squinted and sniffed the air nosily, “Bitch, the fuck is that smell? You burning something?”

Mom squawked from the kitchen and stumbled back into the living room, holding a joint in one hand and a beer can in the other. “I ain’t cooking anything asshole. Mind your own fucking business,” she snarled at him before taking a long drag and puffing a cloud of smoke into his direction.

He shook his head like a bull and clenched his fists, his cheeks were flushed pink as he took a step towards her. “What the fuck, did I say about getting into my stash! Get your own weed, bitch.”

His mom laughed, the grating sound like shards of glass flying into Kenny’s ear. Someone was going to end up with a black eye. “Try and take it from me, dickhead.”

Kenny instinctively ducked his head as his Dad launched himself over the couch in one long angry jump. He heard his Mom shriek and run back into the kitchen, where more sounds of broken glass and yells could be heard.

He hesitantly lifted his head to see his Dad running out of the kitchen like a bat out of hell and his Mom running after him with the coffee pot lifted over her head like she was going to smash out his brains with deluxe expresso beans. His mom launched the coffee pot with all the grace of an Olympic champion where it soared through the air, missing his dad entirely and nailing Kenny right in the face.

God fucking damn it, Kenny thought as he crashed to the floor, his hand instinctively going to cradle his aching face as the glass coffee pot bounced harmless onto the floor next to his head, surprisingly still intact. He could still hear his parent’s angry shrieks, but it was fainter now as if he was on a train getting farther away from his parent’s jeers and screams.

He blinked slowly up at the dingy ceiling, noting the many spiderwebs and grime that coated it. He should lay on the floor more often. Lots of interesting shapes in dust. One blob of dust by the ceiling fan looks just like Cartman’s fat ass. He laughed weakly and closed his throbbing eyes, his right side of his face felt like one giant pulsating bruise.

Kenny cracked open his eyes to see Karen’s pale face leaning over him, her long brown hair hung like a curtain of silk around them, shielding Kenny away from everything. He reached up to brush away her tears that had begun to fall.

“Shhh, don’t cry. Princesses shouldn’t cry,” he cooed and then promptly passed the fuck out in a very manly manner.

Kenny awoke hours late to the sensation of frozen peas being awkwardly smushed against his face and the sound of the Dr. Phil playing faintly in the background. His eyes fluttered open and he groaned as feeling once again came back to his face. Shit, his face felt like he’s been dragged along the highway attached to a semi-truck.

He slowly sat up, tossing the bag of half melting peas next to him and leaned against the couch. Kenny tilted his head back to look at Kevin, his older brother who was huffing away on cigarettes on the couch like a pissed off Thomas the Train.

“Sup bro,” Kenny mumbled running his hand through his hair.

Kevin was silent as he grind his cigarette into the overflowing ashtray and shook his head at Kenny. “What happened this time?” he asked quietly.

Kenny shrugged, “Same shit as usual except Mom tried to throw the coffee pot and her aim fucking sucks.”

Kevin sighed and clenched his fists, “You could have died.”

Kenny smiled, “I’ll survive. I always do, don’t I?”

Kevin shook his head again, “We can’t keep living like this. I had to leave work cause Karen thought they killed you. God, I thought you were dead when I saw you just lying there. I’m not waiting for one of them to kill you or Karen. I’m sick of this shit. We’re leaving tonight.”

Kenny stiffened, his smile dropping off his face and his eyes wide as he turned to look at his solemn older brother. Kevin’s brown hair was as untidy as ever and he had a scruffy beard beginning to creep up on him, but his eyes were dark and serious as he looked at his younger brother. Kevin was only nineteen, but he was as broad as a mountain with patience that ran a mile deep. He was usually placid and calm but this time he looked properly pissed off.

“Where would we go?” Kenny whispered, his heart beating frantically in his chest as he couldn’t even believe they were having this conversation. Running away had always been a dream between the McCormick siblings, but it was always just whispered conversations in pillow forts and late-night musings. Kenny had never taken them seriously until now.

Kevin leaned forward to rest his forearms on his knees and laced his fingers together, “Four hours away from here is a little town called Nockfell. The price of living is real cheap over there and I can find work easy. I even have a place picked out for us, I talked to the owner while driving home and I’m going to place a deposit down. Ken, you, me, and Karen are leaving tonight.”

Kenny turned away from his brother’s hopeful face. He had a thousand of excuses and arguments, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. His brother had made up his mind. He thought of Karen and the way she was practically disappearing into herself. Poor kid didn’t even have any friends at school, just her reality TV shows.

Kenny was scared, probably more scared than he had ever been his entire life. South Park, even with his crappy parents has always meant home to him. To leave everything behind was like jumping into lake with an endless bottom. Who knows what else was out there. But still, he had to for Karen’s sake. Kenny turned back to look at Kevin and nodded.

“Okay, I’m in. Let’s do it.”

Kevin grinned, his brown eyes lighting up like fireworks. “Atta boy, I knew I can count on you. Go pack your stuff, I’ll help Karen pack her room. We leave in two hours.”

Kenny got to his feet with a groan and gave a mock salute. “Ay, Ay, Captain. Where’s our folks though?”

Kevin snorted, “They drove to Denny’s and started fighting the in the parking lot. Cops took them away and letting them sleep it off overnight in jail. They won’t miss a thing when they get out.”

Kenny rolled his eyes and laughed. Of course, why wasn’t he surprised. It didn’t take him very long and in two hours the McCormick siblings were packing their worldly possessions in Kevin’s beater car.

Kevin got into the driver’s seat and Karen and Kenny slid into the backseat. Karen gazed out the window at their house, her eyes soft and sad. Kenny slung his arm around her shoulders and tugged her close.

“We’re going on an adventure, Kare bear. It’ll be fun.”

Karen leaned against Kenny and sighed, “Well at least you don’t have to do your history paper now.”

Kenny laughed, “Fuck history. Hey how about when we get to the new place, I’ll watch that Queen Elizabeth show with you.”

Karen brightened up and she nodded excitedly. She began to chatter eagerly about the different members of the royal family. Kenny leaned his head against the window, letting his sister’s voice wash over him as he watched the rest of South Park get farther away.

He’ll have to email the guys when they get to their new place. Stan was at band practice, Kyle was at some debate tournament and who knows what the fuck Cartman was doing. But they’ll understand why he had to leave. At least probably. Ah, well fuck it, he’ll just probably be replaced. Like always. Kenny’s face began to ache, and he closed his eyes for a second.

“Wakey, Wakey, Sleepy Head! We’re here!” Karen sang loudly in Kenny’s ear.

His eyes shot open and he flinched, pushing away his laughing sister. “Alright, alright, I’m up, you banshee,” he grumbled unbuckling his seat belt and practically falling out of the car. Kenny looked up at their new home.

“Addison Apartments,” he read out loud before shrugging. Seemed alright to him. Just an ordinary apartment for their new ordinary life. No more crazy shit for them, just smooth sailing for now all. Kenny grabbed the handle of his duffel bag and hauled it over his shoulder.

As the McCormicks made their way up the sidewalk and into the building, Kenny felt a cold chill run through his spine as they stepped into the doorway. He shivered and looked around. He thought he had saw something black and shadowy sink into the walls but that was impossible. He was probably just tired. Or had a concussion.

He shook off the strange feeling of foreboding and followed his brother and sister. Everything was fine. Addison Apartments was going to be the best home that they ever had. He was sure of it.

#south park #sally face #kenny mccormick #sal fisher #crossover #karen mccormick #kevin mccormick #dark prophecy boys #au

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therealmrmecc · 2 years

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#FbF Him: “I saw you take a picture of us.” Me: “Yeah, I wasn’t hiding.” Him: “Why though?” Me: “No one will believe I saw people in hoodies and flannels in 84 degree weather without proof.” His dad: “See! I told you! Trying to be “cool”! He thinks you look ridiculous too!!” (Dad laughs and walks off.) Him: “I don’t want to be on camera man.” Me: “Little late for that bro” (chuckles) Him: “You should delete it” Me: “You should move on” Him: “I’m not scared of you” Me: “That’s a mistake.” Him: “I’ll make you delete it” Me: “You can try.” (Dad walks back over with little brother, catching the last exchange) Dad: “Jason, when this guy beats your ass? I’m not helping.” Me: “Listen to the man Jason.” Jason: “You’re being an asshole” Me: “That’s your pride man. Pride heals faster than broken faces.” Jason: *Turns to dad* “You’re in the picture too!” Dad: “I don’t care, I don’t look ridiculous!” *To me still laughing* Hey man, if my son wants to get beat up over a joke, that’s up to him!” Me: Hey, I’m on vacation. *Walks off* Dad in the background: “This is the real world that guy looks like he eats spoiled little white kids like you for breakfast. If you want to get your ass kicked over a picture, do it, but we’re on vacation too. Check your attitude...” I barely held the laugh in. 2017 (at Manhattan, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CX4bl7HvNar/?utm_medium=tumblr

#fbf

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psyclownsis · 6 years

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5, 9, 10!

ask me about comics!

5. five positive things-- arcs, deaths, events, issues-- that stuck with you.

harley's little speech to ulysses highwater in hq #21 (i think?) about how you don’t go to hell for being queer and then like within the next issue or two etrigan showed up and basically kicked her out of hell for... technically not because she was secure in her queerness but kind of also yes because she was secure in her queerness, like, the implication was there and the sentiment was there and the validation that those pages brought was just. wowza holy fuck. like bro i’m an atheist but that doesn’t make the pervasive “queers go to hell” idea any less painful so @everyone who worked on that comic: thank you

harley’s little mini-story in suicide squad (rebirth) where waller (? i think it was waller but it might have been joker idr) sets up a joker toxin trap that forces her to hero up or desert the squad and there’s a little joker in her head that tells her to leave flag and she’s like “dude i don’t wanna do that” and he’s like “that sounds like hero talk” and she just goes “EW” and like the whole thing at the end of it is that no, she’s not a hero, she’s not a good person, she’s not a role model you should look up to, but that doesn’t mean she won’t take the opportunity to save a life and it was just. really Not Dark Not Edgy Not Nihilistic and that was very refreshing

jessica jones being mad at scott lang for ghosting on her and cussing him out in jessica jones: alias #21 but then he goes “i’ll take you on a date” and she’s like “GOD! JESUS! HOW COULD YOU! FUCK! ... is it a fancy date” like that was just? so human and funny and sweet in the wake of a bunch of really depressing shit

spider-man: blue really resonates with me and i’m putting it here because while it is obviously very sad because it’s basically, y’know, peter talking to gwen’s grave, it’s a very like... constructive? look at the grieving process and it kind of takes a step back from the drama of comics and says “yeah you’re always going to miss the people you’ve lost but guess what? so does literally every other person on the planet, so don’t ever feel like you’re alone in that mourning process and don’t ever feel like you can’t find support with those still living”

the multiple times cassandra cain’s batgirl run where she just. hugs or kisses people or otherwise expresses her concern for them with pda, even if they’re complete strangers, because it’s so sweet and caring and honestly that’s a vibe i want to see more of all the time everywhere

9. a dream team up

harley quinn becoming a star sapphire

10. a character who deserved better from the text

other than “all of them” or “a tie between gwen stacy and jason todd”? tommy elliot, the boy billionaire who is definitely some kind of neurodivergent and deserves to have a decent retelling/analysis of his background and how his abusive parents + lack of actual help and support even from his literal psychiatrist ultimately led to him becoming hush instead of just getting his ass beat by bruce and having everyone respond to his neurodivergence with derision instead of, idk, concern or understanding

#outtajokes.#venomodder #answered.

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junker-town · 6 years

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Trash Or Nawl: The 10 trash albums of the year

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what's going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I've given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn't trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it's up to you.

Good morning, hopefully y’all are hungover too. Today on a special edition of Trash Or Nawl, I’m finna discuss why y’all decided to make and praise these garbage ass albums. A lot of the blogs kept saying these tapes were fire, so we found out. Please enjoy this rare moment of where I put my Diddy hat and matching fur on.

“The inability to tell the difference between good pop and trash pop is the sign of a music philistine.” — My editor, Nate Scott.

With that in mind, I’m bout to fry tf outta all of the music Nate likes. [Editor’s Note: I don’t even like two-thirds of these albums and I’m not sure why I’m allowing this article to run, but whatever. Happy Holidays everyone.]

Lorde — Melodrama

I’m so muhfuckin tired of you internet people tellin me that Lorde, who basically only makes music that belongs on FIFA video game soundtracks, is making good music. This is some bullshit. Last night, I thought I was bangin out some whiskeys and was ready to party and tried out this wannabe Avatar background music. Woke up in a daze, night ruined.

And don’t you give me that “you a hating ass asshole I love Lorde” bullshit. I was gettin busy when “Royals” came out just like you were. And then whatever the hell “Green Light” is came on and ruined it. Lorde gon’ stop whisper singin’ on these tracks.

[Editor’s Note: This is one of the albums on this list that is objectively Good, and you need to understand that Tyler is just doing this to get a rise out of me and you.]

Also idk who told Lorde that this pop art album cover was litty, because this some diet Pablo Picasso ass shit. Ain’t fuckin wit it.

Haim — Something To Tell You

What the actual fuck is this? Most of these artists also just sound the same: like some weird version of whatever ‘80s movies made for white people were. Like, this easily coulda been the opening music for Pretty Woman. “Want You Back” doesn’t even make sense to me. Do you have a fear of forgiveness? Are you too proud? Are you blaming yourself?

We gotta stop telling our kids in grade school they can do anything they set their minds to because then we get shit like this. Seriously tho. I’m tired of the re-incarnation of Hall & Oates making pop music. I listened to “Founded It in Silence” five times by accident before I realized it was playing and not just my heater making noise.

Feist — Pleasure

Before “Pleasure” finally came on, I thought I got an album that didn’t have any music on it. Then when the song started and I spent the next minute not knowing what was actually said. The guitar was dope tho. Can’t hate on that. That fuckin guitar was dope as hell. But if I actually hear the word “pleasure” anymore in the way I have on this album that makes me think I’m in a Brooklyn dive bar with some round glasses ass hipsters wit they stupid turtle faces, I’m finna fight someone.

This album makes me feel like I’ve taken a lot of acid. I’ve never even had acid. Someone send me acid so I can know how I’m supposed to feel for listening to this album. [Editor’s Note: Please do not do this.] But, still. Can’t lie. This guitar is real real dope. Especially on “I Wish I Didn’t Miss You” but that ain’t gonna cut it, fam.

Charly Bliss — Guppy

I can fucks with a lil bit of some good rock music. But this fake ass Paramount [Editor’s Note: I think he meant Paramore but it’s a lot funnier as Paramount so I’m leaving it] sounding ass band wasn’t poppin. The drums was litty tho. New Indie Rock loves to do this thing where it remakes music that was born in the 80s but also the 90s now too. I felt like this coulda been played in Bring It On when Kirsten Dunst was hype because some bro made her a mixtape with his I’m Really Doing Something In Life struggle stubble. Also: Go Clovers.

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Guppy wasn’t as bad as Lorde and Haim and Feist, but I just felt like someone was crying to me for 30 minutes. It also isn’t Future, Kendrick, SZA, John Legend, Migos, Badu or anything resembling it. Shit. This ain’t eem Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah” level litty. [Editor’s Note: (Long, sustained sigh)] This ain’t making me pick up a guitar. Yeen head noddin to this. I can’t keep lettin y’all whine on a track and say you waxin poetic. I fuckin refuse. Empire wouldn’t even play this on they show.

Jason Isbell — The Nashville Sound

This is purely here because in a world where we’ve decided we ain’t fuckin with blatant white supremacy and nationalism (lol, this won’t last), I am triggered by a song titled “The Last Of My Kind.” Also, Isbell getting mad because folks laughed at him in college as a justification for this song is highkey highkey highkey the same reason people comment on Breitbart.

Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images for Country Music Hall Of Fame & Museum

He also made a song called “White Man’s World,” which, lol, y’all never really need to keep asking why folks don’t listen to country if this what y’all keep giving us. #WokeSZN #Resist #DumpTrump

[Editor’s Note: All the sportswriters of the world who are obsessed with this dude, please know that I had nothing to do with this section. Jason Isbell is great. Jason Isbell is the best. The Beatles? Beethoven? Fuck em. There is no one better than Jason Isbell, except maybe Bruce Springsteen, who I think you all also love for whatever reason. Please, for the love of god, don’t yell at me on Twitter.]

Margo Price — All American Made

A lot of you On The Internet Money Makin Whites love Margo Price. So because of that (and because OG Willie Nelson was making an appearance) I turned this on expecting non-pretentious and pompous ass country bangers I am accustomed to. Y’all told me this. Y’all told me she was the shit.

Welp.

Somebody call Deputy Raylan Givens and whip up that good wild west bullshit because Margo sound like the soundtrack to Justified. Margo dropped some bars that say “a little pain never hurt anyone” which is a whole lie because I promise you I was reeling from this weak shit.

OG Willie was dope tho. Don’t worry about that.

Taylor Swift — Reputation

Y’all knew this was gone be here.

First of all: IF CARDI B WASHED YO MIDDLE OF PENNSYLVANIA ASS ON THE CHARTS THEN YOU SHOULDA KNOWN WE FINNA GET THAT ASS UP OUTTA HERE BOI.

**re-adjusts collar**

I’m sad Future had to be dragged onto this album, but I know he owe Rocko a few Brinks trucks so I understand. I don’t know what Taylor keeps doing with these albums, tho. She’s always gonna get a few body rolls from me just because Future was featured here on some childish ass beats. But, y’all can’t expect me to think it’s pawpin for Tay Tay in the year of our lord 2017.

Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images

The New York Times, however, wants you to know this was super hot fire. Smh.

Katy Perry — Witness

Listen dog. I used to get it EXTREMELY LIT at high school mixers to some Katy Perry. Ain’t nobody gonna ever tell me Katy Perry wasn’t the white T-Pain at one point in my life. Left Shark is the hero this world needed at a time we didn’t know it. But the song “Swish Swish” which includes a line saying “Swish Swish Bish” featuring Nicki Minaj is one of the worst things created in a year full of some of the worst things ever.

The thing I didn’t expect: Nicki Minaj was actually the second-best thing about as much of this album as I was able to tolerate. Quavo yelling “KATY PERRY,” harmonizing with her in autotune, rapping many random “ayes,” yelling his own name, and randomly saying “Bon Appetit” on “Bon Appetit” is the best thing. [Editor’s Note: This is actually correct.] I need you to notice, the good things here have nothing to do with the person who made the music. If Space Jam and an elevator had a child and it grew to become a singer, it would make this album.

Macklemore — Gemini

Skylar Grey SANG her ass owf on this tape for “Glorious.” But Macklemore following up her vocals with “I’m feelin glorious, the crib lookin Victorian, you know we been goin in, since we hopped out that Dolorean, I’m gone, things are just things, they don’t make you who you are, can’t pack up a UHaul and take it wit you when you gone, we posted on the porch my family glasses to the stars, my grandma smiling down on me like OUU THAT BOY GOT BARS” is the most sickening thing I’ve ever had to take part in.

I don’t know if I’m more mad that another Macklemore album came out or the people who keep letting Macklemore let another Macklemore album come out. The sad part is: Macklemore actually gets some really fire ass beats. But we keep getting some fake ass Eminem verses because nobody gonna tell Macklemore either 1) he can’t rap that well or 2) he can’t rap that well about happy go lucky shit all the time.

Photo by Andreas Rentz/Getty Images

Mack also steps on Kesha’s angelic vocals on “Good Old Days,” Yachty’s assumed piano playing in “Marmalade,” and Offset’s ad-libs on “Willy Wonka,” which is just unconscionable. Also every single song on this tape except “Ten Million” had a feature. He reverse J. Cole’d himself. What world are we living in.

DJ Khaled & Friends — Grateful

I’m mad at Khaled for several reasons:

I followed him on Snapchat in anticipation to this album

His bit is lowkey tiresome at this point

Asahd is the most handsome baby in the world, which brings envy from my being

The album has 23 songs and is an hour-and-a-half long

The album was no where near any other Khaled bangers out

Khaled hyped this shit up for no good damn reason

That being said, this Khaled tape is probably the best worst tape of the year. “Shining” with Beyonce and her lil’friend is a fun song, and Qween has never made bad music. You’re welcome, Shea Moisture Twitter. “Wild Thoughts” still got me thinking about Havana fwiw even tho Bryson Tiller is the corniest dude alive next to Big Sean. “I’m The One” had me trine buy Bieber Merch and loudly singing said song at many functions. “I Love You So Much” was some cute Disney shit. “On Everything” had me jumpin on people’s couches.

But literally the other 80 percent of the tape is hot ass garbage. Which is super disappointing because a dude with the most Jordans in the world, prettiest baby alive, 18 mansions, superstar friends, and a call log that would envy the Lord hisself should be able to do marginally better than this.

Most times I think Khaled’s music is only good as an audio soporific. Sometimes that’s okay. Not this time. I’ve been deceived. To make up for this: Khaled plz send me some sneakers, Bellaire Rose and Jordan sweatsuits and all will be forgotten. [Editor’s Note: Khaled, don’t do thi... Actually, you know what? Khaled, do this. And throw in a sweatsuit for me.]

We’re good, Khaled. Because at the end of the day: You still better than Lorde.

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.

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