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broodygaming · 8 months

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Juuust venting.

Idk. I don't even expect ppl to read this, it's okay, I'm fine literally just typing it out for the sake of typing it out cuz I don't have anyone I can chat about it with.

But I'm 30 years old, disabled and living with my mom and things have gone from weird to bad to worse and idk what to do about it. I can't get a job, I can't work, I can't seem to qualify for disability. I can't seem to do anything.

My mom is a good kind person in so many things. But idk. I think she really genuinely didn't think that me moving in with her would be permanent. I think she just assumed I'd get it together and get a job and leave again. I was always the most self sufficient kid. I moved away! I was doing good! So it seemed from a distance anyways.

Now it's like, every day she's just MAD that I just can't do things. She gets mad that I'm forgetful or that my spoons are like 0 all the time. She gets mad that I'm not magically clearing the entire property by myself or I'm not building all these things or doing all these things. She just gets mad mad mad that I don't function. I think it just confuses her? Or scares her? Idk. And she'll weaponize my disability in this really weird way. She'll say things like "well if you're really THAT disabled maybe I should hire a baby sitter for you because you can't be trusted to be alone." Literally. And when I say no, that's weird I don't need that - it OF COURSE means I must just be lying about how bad everything else is!

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have one single friend in the universe and things are always kinda tense with her too. She's offered to let me come stay in her shed, haha. Her husbands a contractor so that's not as bad as it sounds. He'd make it nice and functional. But it would ruin our relationship.

It's not sustainable to just couch hop, I can feel kind people thinking of typing out an offer - but lbr, that's just not sustainable. I'm not going to magically get better. I'm not temporarily out of work. It's not just for until I get things "figured out". I need a permanent solution.

So I'm genuinely thinking of just refurbishing my truck and putting a mattress in the back and buying a recharable solar battery and a fancy bucket and going on the road. It's an old truck (almost 300K miles!! YES you read that right!! Old ass work truck!! but it runs really well and is stupid sturdy). And maybe just living off the cash assistance I get from the government and camping? I like to camp, I like being outside. And maybe I just sleep in my truck in parking lots and then for a few nights of the week stay at a campsite to freshen up?

Lots of people do it, so I know it's doable. It'd be hard to give up creature comforts like plumbing and really (I know this is dumb but) my computer. I like video games haha, it's one of my fav past times. I know my bigger hold ups should be like, security and warmth and shit. But still. I have so much time and energy put into these stupid pixels it's hard to imagine giving that up.

And my animals! I'd have to sell my goats, probably just give my chickens to my neighbors. And even though it's literally so so irresponsible, I'm taking my fucking dog. I've had to give up one dog previously because I was temporarily homeless and couldn't find a rentable space that was pet friendly. And I swore I'd never do it again. Plus - even though it's irresponsible and her food costs easily 80 bucks a month - I actually think I'd be a lot safer with her with me. And less alone. I think she'd love it, tbh. I don't think this would permanently burn bridges with my mom. She'd be mad, but if I called her and said Dahlia's sick I need money for a vet she'd give it to me. And if she wouldn't, my friend would and they have money to spare. So I actually think, out of everything that's not that big of a gamble. I have a safety net for her. And I'm good at doing yearly shots myself etc. So it's just emergencies, food and 3 year rabies shots I can't do myself.

Another reason I'm spitballing all this here is it's not for sure. Hopefully it doesn't come to this. But my mom and I have been fighting relentlessly and there's no end in sight. She's like, mad that I'm here. And comes home mad that I'm here. It's exhausting and it's not going to get magically better. She bought this property and is now throwing it in my face like I'm the one who forced her to do it. She's terrified she won't be able to retire and is blaming me for it. I don't want to be a burden and she clearly doesn't want me to be one anymore either and idk who else I can ask. Who else can I INFLICT my existence on to? This is why disabled people end up in abusive relationships and then stay. What are the fucking options? I'm so grateful I have my physical health and am able to even think of taking such a physically demanding option.

So it's like a 30% chance it comes to this. I'll try and just adjust and put up with things being weird and toxic because that's better than shitting in a bucket in the walmart parking lot. For now.

#venting venting venting

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asksoldieron · 4 months

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SO-18: Memory Bomb!

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

No art, but hopefully my eyes will improve enough to add some later!

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for Peanut Butter Bubblegum (SO-18) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

There! They got him! Well, sorta. That's definitely not Erik but he's in there somewhere. They'll get him out! Eventually!

I had such a cool idea for a musical comic but I can't do it. You'll have to read and imagine David and Hyacinth having it out, while what he is now is slowly subsumed by what he once was... Or while an imposter who made a very bad decision becomes permanently trapped in a web of his own lies. Maybe both at once!

*sigh* I'm struggling, but I don't get real feedback from the eye doctor. It's like they don't think I can't handle any negativity, so everything is all smiles and "you're doing great!" while I'm dealing with shit they should've sat me down and told me about before I even had the damn surgery.

You see, I had the impression the surgery was the best option for not losing any of the improvement I spent all last year making myself sick to gain. Heh. Maybe it was, but I've still lost ground and I'll need to put in even more work to get it back. I have a different issue now: stamina. My eyes get tired of focusing on detail, near and far, and in certain situations they'll just stop. I'll be straining as hard as I can and I won't be able to tell you if that's a D, C, O or G. It won't shift in and out of focus like I might be able to get it eventually, it'll just be a static blur until I rest my eyes and come back to it. (Kinda think the doctor thought I was faking or playing it up, since I could read letters the first time she asked me to, and then I couldn't. But the tech just listened to me describe what was happening and said, "Oh, yeah. Your eyes are just tired. Take a break.")

I don't have much trouble reading - as long as it's black and white or close to that. Much like Erik, I can get it from context. I've always read the shape of the word, because my damn eyes never worked like they're supposed to. But art is not like that. Hell, even reading a comic is harder for me right now.

I'm getting my Xmas computer soon. It has a bigger screen than my tablet, and I should be able to draw on it. I might not get so tired so fast with a bigger screen, but I won't know until I try. I found a good enough refurbished deal that I can afford a pen display with an even bigger screen, if it comes to that, but I'll have to give myself some time to strengthen my eyes in any case.

I thought I was just going to heal from this - it would only be a matter of time until the wound closed and my corneas cleared up - I certainly got that impression at the start. But now they say I'm not going to get better without more work. I'm stuck doing pretty much the same exercises, only now they're hard in a different way. The dry-eye does seem to be improving, but there's no guarantee it will keep doing that. I have nearly a year to wait for the dryness and light tolerance to stabilize, those things are the slowest to heal. Well, they would be the slowest, if I didn't have this stupid vision dysfunction. I have no idea how long that's going to take to adapt.

Anyway, this is all too many words. I'm trying to explain why I won't be able to come back with more story after a two week break, even though I have the next six-pack almost ready to go. I can write. I can reorganize the site (and I need to do that, the theme and the global colours are just stupid, and all my pattern blocks are malfunctioning). I can open a new bank account and put together a Ko-Fi page (after Patreon gets rid of my data - they only have a couple more days to do that within their 30-day limit!!). I can't illustrate. Nobody's going to stop scrolling and look at this shit in their feed if there's no images, and I'm not resorting to stock photos or AI.

I want to get to the point where I can spam my followers with something I'm proud of that looks nice, and send them to a site that I'm also proud of and which looks nice. I want more readers, but I don't feel right asking for them when everything's falling apart, including me.

So, I'll be here, but there won't be more story for a while. At least give me until the 20th, that'll be three months out from the surgery and I should be fairly well healed by then. It's just that I have this stamina issue nobody warned me about and no timeline for that. Almost like it doesn't matter. Hey, you can see without glasses! 20/20! Like we promised! Does it really matter if it expires without warning? It works when you read off the chart the first time and that's all you need, right?

No. I told you people I was an artist. You don't seem to be reviewing my chart and god alone knows if you even wrote it down, but you did ask me and I told you. This is not enough.

We'll see what the next few weeks will do for me. I hope like hell I'll be back soon with another six - words AND pictures.

[Back to Site?]

#tin soldier and soldier on #instalment #engagement lounge #eyes #updates #vent #didn't mean to vent but i don't know how else to explain #“you're doing better than you think you are!” the doc says #“welcome to my growing list of doctors i tolerate but do not trust” i would say if i could #but i don't have another doctor locally who can treat this at all #“hey didn't they tell you those eye drops don't work?” “what? but those are really good drops” “OK but they DON'T WORK”#“well just keep doing what you've been doing!”#FOREVER i guess?

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frostehburr · 2 months

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Games I 100%ed Between Scrambling to Put Up and Away Holiday Decorations

So... Been a while since I've actually put stuff up on the internets.

I was particularly busy with IRL nonsense, specifically: putting away Christmas decorations followed by putting up Valentines decorations that only lasted one week before I was ordered to put those away and put up Spring decorations because, yes, my family decorates for ALL holidays and seasons. This year is different because St. Patrick and Easter are in the same month, granting me some real downtime for once.

I bring all that up because the games I 100%ed recently were very short and easy.

The first one being One Night, Hot Springs! A very very small visual novel with adorable art about a trans woman celebrating her friend's birthday. Honest, I was intrigued because I'm trans and wanted to play something that was about a trans person. My options were very limited in that department. All I got left is Celeste.

Anyhow, it's FREE on steam and it's a small part of a bigger visual novel that costs about $5 on Steam. The creator is npckc and their art is consistent with all of their games. Thought it would be nice to drop the name so anyone who stumbles on this post can at least consider supporting them.

Next game was Shadow Burglar, a stealth game that made my computer's fan go haywire. I put all the settings on low, how was it still going nuts?

Well, aside from desktop issues, the game played very well. However, there was no save points. Meaning, you have to play the entire two levels in one go. The achievements were barely a thought since I got them instantly. Although, I'd imagine the last one would be trouble for anyone who has no idea what the Konami Code is. Hint: Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Shadow Burglar was free as well bu I don't really think it's worth the time to invest in. Maybe if the developer expanded the concept to a larger game but as is, it's best to focus on other games.

The last game I played, on Steam, during this time was Fable (Anniversary Edition). I've stated before that Fable 2 and 3 were super easy and could be finished in little to no time. I still stand by that even with the first game because the only actual grind was finding all the keys, books, chests, and stuff for the doors. Everything else was a cake walk. Mostly because almost all the achievements had two methods of unlocking them. Didn't even have to open the Demon Doors since flipping one off gets you the achievement.

Oh there was this one issue with a glitched npc that wouldn't let you play the mini game for Twinblade's doll. I got past it by giving him some gems and slowing time.

That was it for the games on Steam. As for Playstation... Have to admit... I purchased a psn subscription.

As painful as it is to admit. I had to because I couldn't get my old PS3 fixed nor could I find a refurbished one nearby. Wish I knew a reliable repair place because I enjoy playing my games on discs rather than stream but I don't so I'm doomed.

And the one game I streamed on psn was the Sly Collection. I already have to original discs but since PS4 can't play PS3 discs I was stuck with the streaming.

It didn't get too bad until the Ms. Ruby boss fight. Which has you match buttons as the icons slowly creep towards Sly. Issue with the streaming was that it lagged a lot on that level so I lost 11 lives to Ms. Ruby because the stream would not register the inputs I made.

The lag did not get better after that. I ended up having to watch Panda King's level in slow motion and Clockwork froze twice! Thankfully, the lag let up once Sly 2 started. It was smooth sailing from there. Got through all of Sly 2 and 3 nice and easy.

Until I had to do the challenges in Sly 3.

Not to say they were hard, far from it. They were just tedious. I did not like the challenges one bit. Something about putting a timer on something drives my anxiety through the roof and I freak out more because of it.

After the challenges were done I just had four mini games and the Sly Collection was 100% complete.

And despite Nintendo being the family friendly company with easy games... 100%ing a Nintendo game is a nightmare! So I had the bright idea of avoiding Nintendo stuff for some time. Only recently restarting Pokémon Scarlet after seeing the teaser for Pokémon ZA.

This puts my total amount of games completed (for these past few months) at 7. 3 from Steam and 4 from the Sly Collection (yes, I'm including the mini games as a separate game much like PSNProfiles does.

#100% complete #100%#opinion not a review

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