new personality trait discovered: if I'm forced to spend too much time around someone who's too obnoxious in the wrong way I become categorically unable to mask and be normal to them specifically 🫡 you get no eye contact and monosyllabic answers. fuck you.

I invoke thee, Yemaya, Mother of all her numerous children like the fishes, for a rant about my shitty earth mother and family.

Hello Mom. You're the only person I feel comfortable calling my "Mom". My grandmother may have raised me, but she had little influence on who I am at my core values. My birth mother..... is essentially a stranger now.

For ny 23rd birthday, as you may already know, she bought me concert tickets. 2 each for 2 concerts costing over 400$. Now, why, out of the blue, she decides this year, to spend a load of money on me for concerts I didn't want to see in the first place? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. I mean, I know her reasoning..... but the logic is lacking. She knows I'm autistic like her other child, who wears ear defenders to a baseball game. So, what in her mind thought " Oh. I'll just randomly gift her concert tickets so she can go sing her head off for her birthday even though I have no idea who she has ever liked in music? " I distinctly remember telling her about Panic! At The Disco on 2 occasions and she on the first one said "the singer sounds like he needs to hit puberty" "(please don't bring that CD back next time you come over)". The second occasion, I quoted her and told her I didn't bring it. And she said "Stop being a tape recorder (in front of my friend)". Ya know. Because the echolaila I've had since forever is just something I can turn off. I didn't go to either of the concerts. Most would say i should be grateful she got me anything at all. But the thing is....

It's essentially the gift of a stranger.

We haven't spoken directly in 3 whole fucking years. And she had the nerve, to send me a white elephant gift, and expect me to just forgive her. Like nothing has happened and no time at all has passed.... FUCK THAT.

I'm sorry, but she took Grandpa Tom's jacket and that was my designated comfort item. She has another autistic kid. She's a wonderful mother to him. She should FUCKING KNOW. WHY I'M MAD. And yet she claims to have no recollection of the events taking place that day. And insists if I were to take it back, I don't wear it every day.

BITCH IT WAS MY PERSONAL PROPERTY. AND YOU SAID "I WAS NOT WORTHY TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY" In reference to me SIMPLY STANDING UP FOR MYSELF TO YOUR SHITTY BOYFRIEND.

Please. Just .... I am so furious at her, Mom. I'm like so on the verge of tears, and I know my sadness makes you sad but like...... it hurts. All I wanted for my birthday is a quiet and good time. She keeps thinking I'm someone I'm not. And even when I told her who I was.... she lacked the ability to truly listen to me.

I got tired of being ignored or misheard and misquoted to fit her crazy mind's concept of reality. I got tired of having to mother her because she is really shite at asking for help from her mother or any real professionals in a timely manner. I got tired of crying myself to sleep. Because she kept making jokes at my expense and they weren't funny. I try to explain my special interests to her and she shuts me down and tunes me out. While she is just.... all ears for Isaac my little brother.

I hurt, mom. And it's my birth mother who inflicted the damage. Just please, take away my worries again so I can go back to sleep soon. Or get something done. Idk. I hear you comforting me now. And I appreciate you always listening to me.

I did want to tell you, I had a great birthday in spite of my birth mother. I went out for a quiet dinner with my beloved. Got stuffed and a wee bit tipsy. But not that much. And I had a blast just being there with my Honey Bat. Also, I bought more spooky decor lately. C: It makes me very happy. And I know my happiness makes you happy too. I have other concerns but right now, I think I've rambled on long enough and I'm too hungey to focus anymore. Please know I love your protection and guidance and comfort and presence always even if I don't always say it outloud or invoke you as much as I should. Idk. I just kinda got used to the whole absent parent dynamic .... I'm still learning this 'how to be a daughter proper' thing. But I love you lots and I hope I make you smile as much as you make me smile. Thanks for listening Mom. *hugsies * You're the best.

Meferefun Yemaya. Always.

Hey, I saw your post about how non autistic people aren't accommodating to autistic people and was wondering if you had any recommendations of how to be more accommodating? I'm not NT but I don't have autism and I'm not sure what kinds of things would be helpful when interacting with someone with autism.

(Sorry if this is a really late response my internet has been abysmal for the past..... WHILE)

-Make sure that you don’t assume meaning from our actions. That’s one of our biggest frustrations. Allistic people often read into our actions, words, body language, etc. and then make incorrect assumptions. Remember, we’re not allistic, our brains work different, we think different, so the reason WE do something may be very different from the reason an allistic person does something.

- By extension: say what you mean and mean what you say. There are so many times that people get mad at me, say I’m being a little shit or purposefully obtuse, etc. just because... I didn’t get what they were insinuating. Or I didn’t read between the lines, or whatever. Hell it’s gotten to the point that I often over read into what allistics say, because goddamn. You people can’t just be direct. So in an attempt to accommodate, I end up accidentally reading into things that aren’t meant to be read into, or over reading into things, or even just getting the wrong meaning because I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. Just... talk to us. Don’t hint. Especially don’t get annoyed if we don’t catch what you’re saying.

- Kinda on the same vein, but: If an autistic person doesn’t understand something, even if you think it obvious, don’t ridicule them for it, just explain it. Things that come naturally to you don’t come naturally to us. Our mental skills are elsewhere. Also it’s usually social stuff or figures of speech we don ’t understand, and i mean... that stuff is bullshit anyway. (This isn’t just social and communication btw, this could even be just how to do a task.)

-Speaking of which: don’t force autistic people to conform to your social standards. Don’t force us to make eye contact. Don’t tell us not to stim. Don’t get mad at us for repeating something or scripting.

-If we communicate in a nonverbal way, don’t tell us to “use [our] words!” (ex: pointing and gesturing to something we want passed to us at the table, a hand on your shoulder when we’re trying to get past you, etc.) Because even if we may not be nonverbal at the time, we might be overwhelmed, and so talking uses a lot of energy. Or we just might be very distracted and plain forget to speak. Getting angry at us will only stress us out more, which will only exacerbate the problem.

-Speaking of nonverbal: if someone needs to communicate using an alternative communication method, like writing, typing, AAC, etc. GIVE THEM TIME TO WRITE THEIR RESPONSE. I can’t tell you how many people will just get annoyed and move on, stop talking to me, try (and fail) to guess what I’m trying to say, etc. It’s more frustrating than the inability to use my mouth to talk in the first place. This can also go for people who stutter and/or stammer. Which often happens to autistics too. Just give us time to communicate however we can.

-Don’t spring things on autistics. Plan things in advance, and if they are asking for lots of info about what you’re going to be doing, don’t get annoyed. Shit is stressful for us, so knowing a lot about it can help ease the anxiety and stress. The more we know the better we can prepare. Because the world isn’t made for us, so we have to do a lot to fit into it. But if we know nothing about the situation, we can’t know what we need to do for it. Not to mention we often need accessibility items, so it’s important to know what’s going on so we know what to bring.

-If the autistic person needs things done a certain way, let them have it done that way. It is extremely stressful if one of our constants in our lives is disrupted. Also we have things done in the way we do them for a reason. Whether it be to fight decision fatigue by having routines and sameness, or just doing things a certain way because it makes our homes, clothes, LIFE more sensory friendly, just... let us have our things be the way we need them. Hell even shit like sitting in the same seat every meeting let’s say: it’s easier to focus on the meeting when your SPD isn’t having to process all sorts of new information because you’re seeing the room from a different perspective.

-Don’t judge us in any way for our “weird” behaviours. So this includes “weird” expressions, body language, habits (chewing, sucking, stimming, etc.), body movements, speech, etc. And by judge I mean commenting, funny looks, reactions, etc. Just act like it’s totally normal, because to us? It kinda is.

-Small talk.... just... ugh. So something that happens a lot that I HATE is that allistic people will disrupt my work to just... chat. About fucking nothing. I’ll be doing something and then they’ll just come up to me and be all like “Whatcha doing?” “...working.” “Whatcha working on?” “I’m typing up the minutes.” “...” “...” “So how was your weekend?” etc. Drives me up the wall. You could clearly see I was in the middle of something. If you don’t have anything you actually need from me? Leave me be. I’ll chat later when I’m not busy!! (If you’re not sure, just ask if the person is busy/up for chatting.)

-Don’t be overly condemning/abrasive when informing us that something we’re doing/said/etc. is inappropriate, offensive, rude, etc. Now this part may seem like I’m contradicting the whole “don’t hold us up to your social standards” thing, but being autistic isn’t a get out of jail free card. If we are doing or saying something shitty, it still needs to be addressed. However we may not realize the impact of it. This could be because it’s not a big deal to us and we don’t realize that it is for others, or just because in an attempt to fit in, we mimicked those around us... and those around us weren’t the best people.

For example: I have dermotilliomania. So I can’t stand it whenever there’s a zit on my face, ESPECIALLY a white head. I’d pop that sucker as soon as I saw it. But I didn’t realize that this was more of my own experience, so in my teens, whenever I’d notice one on my sister’s face, I’d point it out. I wasn’t trying to go all “haha you have acne” I was more going “Oh no you have a Bad Thing on your face, you probably want to get rid of it!!” Kinda like when you tell someone that they have something in their teeth or a bit of sauce on their chin. Unfortunately though, she was allistic and did not have dermotiliomania, so to her I was just constantly pointing out something that she was insecure about. So it actually caused a lot of self image problems for her. I didn’t learn the full impact of it until years later.

So in that example, a good thing to do would be to explain: “I really don’t like it when you point out my acne, because you pointing it out all the time makes me really insecure.”

Using myself for an example again: I was raised in a white Conservative Catholic family. So I didn’t understand the allistic world, and the only people I had to base my understanding OF that world were..... well not great. So I had to spend a lot of time unlearning stuff. I’m not trying to excuse anything I did or said that was offensive, but I just feel like pointing out something.

Here’s how intense it can be: my family LOVED making “r*tard jokes”, which were actually autism jokes looking back. I made them along with them, even though I did all the behaviours they were mocking (but in secret). Hell I even threw around the r word in casual conversation, because that’s what I was used to hearing, and what I thought was normal.  I had a good friend begin my education about that stuff, so by the time I found out that I’m autistic, I had already dropped all the jokes and language... and started realizing how terrible they were because they were making fun of me in a way. (I even remember hearing things like “why are you acting like such a r*tard?” and then trying to hide it by acting like I was just doing more of the mocking.)

Now the latter half of this section (or even this section in general) may just seem like good advice in general. But it’s particularly relevant for autistic people, because we often end up with more rude behaviours, and more easily adopt offensive crap... and find it harder to lose because scripts and echolalia and whatnot. So if they continue after you address them, just point it out each time they do it, but in a gentle reminding way, because they probably just are falling back on old scripts, forgot themselves for a moment because of everything else going on, etc. It’ll take some time, but it’ll happen. 

Ok so idk if I went overboard or not, but.... here are some things anyway!! 

(And hell this might just be a good list, so feel free to reblog it anyone reading if you’re just stumbling upon it or whatever.)