below the cut , there is a quick dossier for colton rhodes and a detailed timeline for his relationship with tim. their relationship is an exploration in overcoming extensive trauma and choosing to heal after hitting rock bottom. traumatized people act traumatized and will sometimes be an unhealthy presence in the lives of the people they love. that does not make them any less deserving of love. while colt and tim struggle through some difficult times , they also consciously choose to become healthy and to work through their trauma together. triggers include : mentions of sex , heroin addictions , alcoholism , ptsd episodes , and attempted suicide by cop. there might be other triggers that i don't know how to tag , so please proceed with caution.
COLT RHODES is a former military police officer for the united states army. he served for over twenty years , and is a veteran of : desert shield , desert storm , and the global war on terror. due to his traumatic childhood and a lifetime of service in various war - zones , colt has developed cptsd and an addiction to heroin. following his discharge from the army , colt seeks out his wartime friend BOYD CROWDER. while catching up , boyd asks colt for his help with a job , thus entanging colt in his criminal empire.
( the details throughout this post , and on my blog overall , have been developed by @oncewere. he has put extensive work into developing this character , and further details about him can be found on holiday's blog once he returns from hiatus. the timeline below is a summary of a year's worth of daily plotting , so some details have been simplified or omitted for brevity's sake. thanks for reading! )
【 i 】 while providing backup for deputy u.s. marshal raylan givens , tim meets colton rhodes the man providing support for known criminal boyd crowder. tim recognizes that he's a freshly stateside veteran , and the two connect over their mutual service while they wait for their respective parties. ( this is a rarity for tim , as he usually is incredibly private about his time with the rangers. ) tim offers to help colt get hired for a position within the marshals , but colt laughs off his offer. their conversation is cut short by raylan's return.
【 ii 】 the following night , tim struggles with a severe episode of depersonalization. he drives down to pineville , ky to try and find a shitty hookup that will help ground him back in his body. he notices colt sitting at the bar and decides to settle onto the stool next to him. after a night of carefully dancing around the subject , tim ends up leaving with colt and they hookup in the back of his bronco on an old utility road. despite tim asking him to be rough and expecting it to go like half the other shitty hookups he's had , colt is considerate and entirely non - judgemental about tim being trans. tim doesn't feel "dirty" like he is often prone to doing so after sex , and he feels more present in himself. they end up exchanging numbers.
* in general , tim has struggled with an increase in homophobia and transphobia since moving to kentucky. he frequently gets called slurs on grindr and has to be excessively vigilant while picking up men in bars due to the risks of violence and being outed. to mitigate this , he tends to stick with the same hookup partner for an extended duration.
【 iii 】 tim and colt begin hooking up on a relatively routine basis and continue to text more frequently. six weeks into it , tim comes over to colt's trailer for a hookup , and then gets distracted by the episode of game of thrones that colt has on in the background. the two end up just spending the night watching tv together. it's the most domestic that either of them have ever been allowed to be. after that , tim begins coming over on sunday nights to watch the weekly episodes with colt. colt doesn't mind tim's running commentary throughout , and will often join in.
【 iv 】 tim falls asleep on colt's couch one night , and colt covers him in a blanket. he wakes up screaming himself hoarse at 3am , and colt holds him as he comes down from the nightmare. neither of them say anything about the tears on tim's cheeks or the way he clutches at colt's shirt. it's nice to have someone who understands. after this , tim begins to allow himself to be a little more emotionally vulnerable around colt. it's the start of their genuine connection. due to both of their complex issues , the relationship is rocky at times , and they have a tendency to take short breaks from one another. these always happen under the mutual understanding that it's a temporary breather.
【 v 】 eight months into their relationship , while they're on another one of their little breaks , tim picks up his friend mark gaites after a substance abuse support meeting at the VA. the two run into colt there , and mark later comments on how he recognizes the "hurt" in colt's eyes , meaning that mark recognizes that colt is also an addict. tim hadn't been aware of the issue since colt worked so hard to hide it from him , but it does explain some of the seemingly inexplicable arguments they've had.
【 vi 】 after helping mark with his dealer ( mentioned here in the final paragraph of the civilian life section ) , tim drives to colt's home to discuss what he learned from mark. the conversation doesn't go as planned. colt gets defensive and tells tim to fuck off , even though that isn't really what he wants beyond that particular moment. while they're on their longest break yet , colt continues to spiral down to his lowest point. he shoots his dealer , and mark happens to witnesses it. due to their mutual love for tim , colt swears mark to silence and lets him walk away. if he talks to anyone ( especially tim ) colt will kill him. in fear of his life , and not wanting tim to know that he relapsed , mark initially keeps his silence.
【 vii 】 as colt's addiction escalates to the worst that it's ever been , boyd tasks colt with handling drew thompson , who is currently in the custody of the u.s. marshals. colt uses iraqi war tactics and rigs abandoned cars with IEDs to ambush the marshals on their route. tim is caught in the ambush and calls colt , and the two have a tense conversation. despite his loyalty to boyd , colt doesn't want to hurt tim. tim maneuvers the convoy into a safe position and grabs his rifle , but colt shoots his own sniper in the head before the man can take a shot at tim. colt then flees the scene , leaving tim to deal with all of that.
* this event heavily triggers tim's ptsd , details will be in a separate post.
【 viii 】 tim eventually catches up with colt at the last chance salvation church , and by now , he's figured out the truth of everything. feeling like he doesn't have a way out and unable to live with the weight of it all , colt tries to use tim to commit suicide by cop. tim shoots colt in the arm instead.
* tim does not ever admit that he knows the identity of the person who set the ambush , only saying that it was boyd's men. he feels like the gunshot was punishment enough , and honestly , he loves colt. he doesn't want to see him rot away in prison for the rest of his life.
【 ix 】 too hurt by everything that transpired , tim doesn't visit colt in the hospital. neither of them want to see the other , and they're both the loneliest they've ever been. they do not see each other for another four months.
parts ii , iii , & iv of the coltim saga are coming later , but honestly , this post is long enough and i'm tired of typing lmfao! this post covered part i , and is their least healthy arc. part ii will cover how , and why , they get back together. this arc spans four years. part iii covers their massive "permanent" breakup / wwiii level argument and spans tim's single father verse. part iv is the 'woohoo! they managed to break the cycle' arc that covers how they actually stay healthy and build good lives for themselves.
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EDS flare-ups are the devil
Anyway gotta make use of it and explain my own pain scale. Because I realised that i dont need the whole 0 to 10 scale since i’m always at similar numbers on it. So here we are:
-0 no pain (doesn't exist but hey can still dream)
-1 low everyday pain
-2 hight everyday pain, need a lot of break but can manage
-3 flare-up but can still do basic things like watching tv
-4 flare-up dissociative (I don't remember those afterwards, there so painful that they're stored as trauma)
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my fic-writing process, by me:
1) open google doc. format the google doc how i like it. (”add space after paragraph”!) feel great dread. no. cannot do it. never. it simply won’t happen.
2) write a few sentences. start to kinda be feeling it. jump all over the word document scribbling bits of every scene in no particular order as the idea comes alive. most sentences are half words and half “_______” (which means i’ll get back to it later when my brain works better).
3) get so entirely all-consumingly immersed that i don’t quite exist any longer and i know somehow that while i might look like me on the outside, my REAL identity is the characters i’m writing about. (extremely normal.) at this stage i am incredibly annoying to be around irl because i’m like 30% there max, but my heart lives in the google doc with my fictional counterparts. getting pulled away when i want to be writing is a unique kind of mental misery that i can’t quite get a handle on experiencing with dignity. while writing, i probably make all the facial expressions i’m imagining the characters making and sometimes talk to myself aloud. (extremely normal again.)
4) revise-as-i-go for one trillion hours, throwing in new scenes at random like they’ve been there all along. writing something in chronological order? that could never be me.
5) make sure to fill in all the “________”s. there are always more than i remember.
6) realize that i think i’m done!!!!! oh my god!!!!!!! other people are gonna see this!!!!!! other people are gonna go on this journey with me!!!!!!! other people are going to FEEL how i FEEL!!!!!!! i’m not going to be alone anymore with this symphony of emotions!!!!!!! (this is the point where i should let my fic sit for a couple days before posting, but i never, ever do. the idea of other people besides me being able to witness its existence is too tempting!)
7) read once through but not in the most stickler-y proofreader way, if i’m honest.
8) grab some lyrics from the song that comes to mind first and slap ‘em on top as the title. wish i had a better and more thoughtful approach to titles.
9) create a draft on ao3.
10) read that through like three and a half times and fix all the weird italics.
11) POST, always knowing i’ve done so a little too soon!
aaaaaand 12) wait for comments in a state of keen, hyperaware, hyper-vulnerable emotional anguish. Suffer Forever.
this is my hobby!!!!!!!! for some reason.
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My cat has routines, like most cats.
One of these routines is that, around nine p.m., she will start yelling come-play! noises and tearing in and out of my room.
I will get up and follow her, asking what she wants. She will lead me on a loop around the house, mrrting and meowing, until we get back to my room, at which point she expects me to go to bed.
I usually do, and she can sleep on my chest or curl up next to my hip as takes her fancy.
She does not know why this works.
(Her noises verge on the edge of distress-noises, which always break whatever concentration/hyperfixation I have going on. I realise the time, and take my night meds. I get up and go to brush my teeth, and follow her around the house for the two minutes it takes to brush them. Then I get back to my room and go straight to bed, because by now my body has realised it's tired.
If I stay up looking at my phone for longer than five minutes, she will shove her entire body between my face and the screen and lie there like a purring brick. I inevitably fall asleep waiting for her to move.
She is not trained to be a therapy cat. But fuck if she didn't fix the sleep schedule that's been fucked up my entire damn life.)
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