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#I'll keep praying until I'm 9000% positive God doesn't want me to have a single thought or care towards Jackson ever again....
yeslordmyking
·
2 years
Text
Just woke up and prayed for God to get Jackson to Heaven for like an hour. Am I ever going to stop obsessing over things and people that will never have anything to do with my life? 🙄
#like you don't stop praying for someone right? but at some point you have to accept that maybe something is not part of God's plan
#you can't beg hard enough. you can't force it through prayer. you can't sent enough unnoticed dms and verses
#you can't make God change His mind because it matters to you and your little spec of a life that much
#of course gripping hard to the hope that God will say yes when the time is right he will obey the gospel and enter Heaven
#whenever I wake up I can't help but wonder if Jackson's done anything to bring himself nearer or farther from God and just panic pray
#I still don't know if it's something I'm meant to care about and continue or just a silly wordly obsession I need to let go of
#I've already tried letting go. But... who can just give up and accept someone they (delusionally) care about might not be saved?
#does God really ask that of us? to just accept that for our loved ones? no way right....
#btw I saw Jackson refer to his fans as 'loved ones' on twitter and I'm devastated that I'm probably not included in that
#I'm not worthy of being considered jacky or ahgase or stan or fan of anyone or anything anymore....
#why love anybody but God that deeply... no matter how much good and potential you see in them... right? God says don't be inspired by man..
#so how can I dare to think highly about people and see good in them?
#goodness this is torture. I keep saying I can't care anymore but instead I care MORE. I'm not supposed to. I was never supposed to...
#I'll keep praying until I'm 9000% positive God doesn't want me to have a single thought or care towards Jackson ever again....
#I truly hope that never ever happens until I know he's saved. then I'll relax. a little...
#anyway have I mortifyingly embarrassed myself enough yet and exposed my shameful heart
#gotta go. shame me while I'm gone. for whatever reason I keep coming back to my dead blog like there's something here for me....
#laters gators
#quoting mcu even though I'm supposed to not love that anymore either 🤪🤪🤪 k bye forreal
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