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hotforharrysheart · 2 years

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The Fight

The whole of Harry’s crew and all your friends were listening to your podcasts now. You had done two and literally every person you talked to asked you when the next one was gonna be. The demand was high. Glenne heard it and immediately took it to her boss who loved it and before you knew it, you had a deal with Apple for two podcasts a month. You were so happy but also somewhat overwhelmed with the deadlines. The case you were working on had taken longer than you expected - materials were delayed and the lead investigator got sick and you were down to the wire and had to have everything ready in two days and you were stressed. You’re in a spare dressing room, writing and re-writing your opening statement and questions when Harry comes in.

“Hi baby.”

“Hi.” Clipped.

“Y’ok? Miss ya,” he says coming up behind you and kissing your neck.

You glance at the clock. He’d just finished sound check which sends you into more of a panic because you wanted to be farther along than you were so you could watch the concert tonight. You kiss his cheek quickly. “I’m busy with this new podcast. Can I catch up with you later?”

He huffs. He’s not used to being ignored especially when he has time to spend with you. “Thought ya might be hungry.”

“I am, but I really don’t have time to eat right now with the show tonight,” you say, lips between your teeth.

“C’mon, come get somethin’ to eat an’ give me a cuddle.”

“I really can’t right now. I’ll be at the show. Just need to get this done.” You huff. You’re stressed and he’s annoying you. You already said no.

“Don’ hafta be huffy. Ya pester me befo’ I go on an’ I don’ get pissy abou’ it.” He says, chuckling.

You turn around and look at him, blinking rapidly. He literally spoke your deepest fear about being on the road out loud…that you’d be in the way and bothering him. “I can’t believe you,” you say, grabbing your purse and pushing past him to the door, shutting it behind you, wheezing with the effort of holding in your tears. You can hear him shouting wait behind you as you slip off and make your way to the exit.

Just as he’s about to take off in a run after you his sound manager comes running in to let him know they’ve been looking for him because they may have a potential problem and they need him to come run through some songs. He hesitates to leave the area, but can’t imagine that you’d go far, so he heads the direction of the stage stopping to look back a few times. He knows he hurt you with his words, but he never ever intended them to sound the way they came out.

You reach the exit door and stop, your hand on the push bar, tears streaming down your face. Logically you know you should stay, but you need to get out of here. Just need to get away, alone, some time to think is all you can think about at the moment. You’re tired, stressed and now you wonder if you’ve made a mistake, if maybe you were too quick to agree to this. The sobs can’t be held in any longer. Pushing the door open you walk down the sidewalk having no idea where you’re going, just knowing you need to go.

After twenty minutes of walking, you find a little coffee shop and go in and have a seat. The barista who would typically expect a customer to order from the counter, comes out and asks if you need anything. Immediately, you’re thankful that she speaks English and place an order for a tall coffee, thinking you’re gonna need it now because it looks like you won’t be able to attend the show because you have so much work to catch up on. The tears start to fall again, and you’re wipe constantly in an effort to not bring attention to yourself. You just need to be lost for a minute away from everything so you can focus on what to do about you and Harry. The barista brings over the coffee and a leaves an apple muffin saying, “it’s on me,” she can tell you’re upset, but thankfully doesn’t pry. You thank her and promptly take a bite although the last thing on your mind is eating, but you don’t want to turn down someone’s kindness. You realize that’s the kind of thing Harry would do and that just makes your eyes burn more. He’s so kind and thoughtful, maybe he’s getting tired of being around you? Maybe this whole traveling with him idea was a bad one? Does he regret you being around all the time? Your nose is running, and you need a tissue so you reach in your purse to grab one and realize that you don’t have your phone. “Damn!” you say to the empty seat across from you. You haven’t had an empty seat across from you in over eight months, he’s always there. You put your elbow on the table, close your eyes and rest your chin on your palm. “What the hell are you doing?” you say to your coffee as you stir it.

Meanwhile, Harry is completely distracted during the second sound check, he needs it to go smoothly and it seems everything that could go wrong, is. He leans his head back and sends a fuck you to the universe. Taking a deep breath he sees security come down the aisle.

“Find her?” he questions abruptly interrupting them before they’ve had a chance to say a word.

“No, but we’re searching,” one of them says holding his hands up in surrender. “Any idea why should would leave without her phone?” The taller of the two asks.

“Cause ‘m a fuckin’ dumbass is why!”

They look at each other with a knowing look and don’t press the issue.

“I’ve gotta go…,” he starts to say knowing it’s impossible. “FUCK!” he says throwing his head back. Everyone goes silent. He looks around and apologizes, then looks at his security, bottom lip quivering and stammers, “ya have ta find her, I…I…I can’t do this tonigh’ withou’ knowin’ she’s safe, please, I’m begging ya.”

His phone rings. He looks at the screen and sighs. “No’ a good time Jeffery.”

“You have to go on tonight, H. We can’t cancel.”

He sighs. “Don’ wan’ ta. Bu’ I can’t go on if she’s no’ here.” His voice catches, finally breaking down and crying. “I have ta find her.”

“They’ll find her, H or she’ll come back. She just needs a break. I’m sure that’s all it is.”

He sniffles and wipes his eyes. “I gotta go.”

You finish your coffee and muffin and grab your trash. You’d like to keep walking and walk all the way back to London to a house that’s not even yours. This was a mistake, you think as you throw your trash in the bin and sigh. No choice but to go back and pack your bags. When you’re back in London, you can figure out what to do next. You’ll have to tell Glenne that this deal isn’t working out. There’s no way you’ll be done on time. The tears are still sliding down your cheeks. How could he have said that to me? You think. You’re mad but also very hurt. You wipe your face as the venue comes into view and you can see fans already lined up. You just pass the tour buses when two security guards converge on you. “Come with us,” one of them says, taking your elbow. “We’ve got her,” the other one speaks into his walkie talkie. If you weren’t so sad, you’d be furious. You try and jerk your elbow out of his grip, but he’s holding you firmly.

You finally reach Harry’s dressing room and one of them bangs on the door. It opens and Harry grabs you and pulls you in for a bone crushing hug, but you don’t hug him back. “Thank you,” he says, shaking both of their hands. He shuts the door and you push on his chest until he lets go. You go to where your bags are and start packing.

“What’re ya doing?”

“I’m packing.”

His lips are in a hard line. "Ya put yourself in danger, ya scared the...fuck, love. Left ya phone.”

You sigh, crossing your arms. “That was a mistake. What you said WAS NOT.”

"I know an’ ‘m s’ fuckin' sorry, dinna mean it tha’ way..."

You hmph. "Well, maybe we're spending too much time together. Coming on the road…maybe it was a mistake.”

"Tha's bullshit an' ya know it is... don' ya need me as much as I need you?!”

“I do need you, but I need to work. I can’t just do nothing, and I have actual deadlines now.”

“I know…’m sorry. Said ‘m sorry an’ I am. I…don’…I should take it mo’ seriously.” He comes to stand in front of you, hands rubbing down your crossed arms. “I’ll do better. Bu’ ya can’ jus’ leave without’ anyone knowin’ where ya are.”

“Look,” you say holding your hands up, “I forgot my phone, I wasn’t exactly thinking about it at the time…” you look down at your feet, “to be honest, I just wanted to get away from you, from everything at the moment.”

Tears roll down his face and his chin quivers, “If somethin’ had happened…”

You interrupt, “but it didn’t and now you need to go do this show, do it for me, okay? Please don’t disappoint those lovely people who worked so hard to be able to see you.”

“Wha’ are ya gonna do during…” he says brows furrowed and his teary eyes searching yours.

“I’m gonna go back to the hotel, I need ta think…” you say fidgeting with your shirt tail.

He’s pleading, “Jesus, baby, please…I’m s’fuckin’ sorry.”

“I know, please just respect that I need to think,” you say tears rolling down your face.

He reaches for you, and you lean forward to kiss his cheek, “I love you, H. I’ll see you tonight, alright?”

“Please…,” he stutters, “I. Love. You.”

A knock at the door sounds to let him know that the opening act is going on stage for soundcheck.

“Go be a rockstar,” you say palm to his face and tears rolling down your cheeks and walk past him and out the door to find someone to drive you back to the hotel.

******5 hours later*******

Harry had put on a spectacular show, despite feeling utterly brokenhearted inside. The band and those he worked with closely could tell he was off, but not a single fan left the venue with anything less than his very best performance, after all he was doing it for his girl, because she asked him to. But now it was his time, he needed to get back to you and now. He rushes through a shower at the venue and throws on joggers and hoodie. He pulls the hoodie over his head trying to find a quiet peacefulness during the impossibly long car ride back to the hotel. His hands literally itch to get there, desperate to see you.

He softly opens one of the double doors to the suite and turns to gently shut and lock it behind him. His heart drops at the sight of your bags packed by the door. He sighs as he walks through the dark rooms until he gets to the bedroom. He gently opens the door in case you were asleep, although he’s hoping that you stayed up to talk this through. You were mad and hurt and understandably so, but didn’t he at least deserve a second chance? But maybe that was just his own narcissism talking. The room is dark, and he can see you in the bed facing away from him. He can feel his throat close up at the thought of you leaving. He sighs and takes off his clothes and slips in the bed next to you, curling around you, pressing kisses to your shoulder. You stir and roll over. You can just see each other in the dim light coming in from the floor to ceiling windows.

“Hi. How was the concert?”

“It was off. I hope no one noticed. Couldn’t stop thinkin’ abou’ ya.”

“Couldn’t stop thinking about you either.”

“Saw ya bags by the door. Ya still leavin’?”

You sigh. “I don’t know. I go back and forth. Maybe I should,” you say, fingers tracing his collarbones, eyes not meeting his.

He sighs. “I don’ wan’ ya ta go, bu’ I won’ stop ya if ya need ta either.”

Your eyes flick back up to his. “I…don’t wanna be in the way and now I feel like I am.”

“Jesus, baby, I dinna mean it like tha’. I was jus’ kiddin’. I was jus’ missin’ ya. It was stupid an’ ‘m sorry. Ya not in the way. Never in the way. I wan’ ya here…need ya here.” His hand moves to your face, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Please don’ go. Don’ leave me. I love ya s’much.”

You can feel the tears falling. “I love you too. I…you hurt me. The thing I worried about most and you said it out loud.”

He closes his eyes. “I know an’ ‘m sorry. I dinna mean it. I dinna know ya felt tha’ way. Shit, ‘m s’sorry baby, please believe me.”

You sigh. “You mean that?”

“O’course! I begged ya ta come wi’ me an’ now I’m beggin’ ya ta stay. Please don’ leave me,” he says, tears falling down his cheeks.

“C’mere.” You move to wrap your arms around him, and he hugs you to him tightly.

“I love you. I’ll stay. I don’t want to be without you either. I need time to do my podcasts and I need you to understand that.”

He squeezes you tighter. “You’re right. Give ya as much time as ya need, promise.”

You pull back and press your lips to his. He kisses you back, hard. He kisses you until you’re both breathless. “Let’s get some rest, ok?”

“Ok.”

You roll over and he snuggles up against you.

He tightens his arms around you, he fucked up and hurt you. Although deep down he knows it probably won’t be the last time, he hopes to Christ it is. He feels your body hiccup and whimper as you drift off, it’s like your body is trying to release the sorrow. He kisses your shoulder, holding his mouth tight to your skin willing his love to seep into you to heal the broken spaces.

When he feels your breathing even out, he too finally succumbs to a fitful sleep.

A couple of hours later he wakes with a sharp ache in his chest and a desperate need only you can fulfill. You’d snuggled into him like every other night; your little spoon to his big one. His hand is on the bare skin of your tummy under your tank top. You usually sleep naked, but with things happening the way they had, you went to bed in a tank and sleep shorts. Apparently in his sleep, his hand sought your soft skin and had found its way underneath. He manages to get the other arm under your head and he can feel your warm breath on the inside of his elbow where you rest. Fuck, you smell good, your hair, your skin…you smell like home to him. The home you made together that was built on love. He could’ve lost it all and he can’t bear that. He swallows hard and inhales a gulp of air, his emotions are getting the best of him and he needs you to understand…needs you to know how fuckin’ sorry he is…how much he regrets being thoughtless…He needs you to know he loves you with every fiber of his being. He needs to feel your body, he needs your taste on his tongue and your skin on his lips. A single tear rolls out of his eye and down to his ear, it’s too much and he can’t wait. He kisses your neck just below your ear and gently rubs circles on your tummy before pulling his hand out to pull the strap of your tank down your shoulder so he can kiss there. The kisses turn into licks and open-mouthed kisses where he sucks the surface of your skin. He feels you stir slightly and your whimper causes him to squeeze his eyes shut tight, he wants you to whimper with his touch again and not with the memories of sorrow.

“I love ya, baby,” he presses his forehead to the side of your head and whispers it over and over and over. He feels your breathing change and he can tell you’re awake, “Ya my best friend, my favorite person, my life, my love, my everything, my lover, please don’t ever leave me, please, forgive me, please know how sorry I am….”

Your hand finds his and squeezes.

“Need ya so bad.”

“Kiss me Harry,” you say turning your head to get access to his mouth.

He places his free palm on the side of your head and tenderly kisses your lips. He pulls back slightly and feels the tear drop onto the inside of his forearm; you’d shed too many tears because of him and he’s had all he can take.

“Baby, please…” is all he can get out before you turn onto your back needing better access to him.

“I love you Harry, god, I love you so much, I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to be in your way…”

He stops you with a deep kiss. “Don’ talk like tha’ anymore, please, let me love ya…please,” he begs.

You reach down and pull your tank top over your head and he helps you get it off.

“Please, take it all off, please, baby…” he says in a rush.

Although dark in the room, he can feel you nod your head. He reaches down to help you push your panties and sleep shorts off. You’re both in a hurry, frantic, your breath a mess of kisses and moans.

“’m s’sorry…s’sorry…,” he keeps saying over and over. His hands trace every line and curve on your body. They’re warm and sure as he grips every place he can and moves his body over yours.

You spread your legs to form a cradle for him to lay in. Your hands grab fists full of his hair, kissing and moaning, as he licks and sucks his way around your skin, to your nipples. There, he pulls them into his mouth, growling to get as much of your breast in his mouth as he can. “Fuckin’ love ya s’much,” he whimpers against your skin. He trails his lips down your tummy and bites at the skin on your hips. “Are ya wet fo’ me yet, love?” he asks against your hip bone. “Please tell me ya wan’ me…please say it.”

Breathing rapidly, “Harry, hahhh…harry, I want you, I want you, I need you,” you whisper into the darkness.

He kisses back up to your face and you shiver. He pulls the duvet up over his back covering you both, “Tha’ better? Want ya ta be warm.” He says brushing the hair on the sides of your head.

You nod your head and pull your knees up high and tight on his side.

“Baby, can ya let me inside ya?” he asks lips pressed against yours.

“Please, Harry, come inside me, I’m desperate to feel you,” you say tenderly.

He reaches down and slides the head of his cock though your wetness and lines it up with your entrance. He gently pushes in and you gasp and he groans. He pushes so deep your breath catches as he bottoms out.

“You’re so deep,” you whisper in his ear as you squeeze a fistful of his hair.

“I need to be deeper,” he responds, “want more of ya, want all of ya, always.”

“I’m here, Harry, I’m here…” you breathe in his ear.

“Don’t stop saying it, love, don’t stop saying it…” he whimpers.

“I’m here, I’m right here and you’re here inside me, I’m not going anywhere, I’m not, I swear,” you promise.

He starts to move, rocking in and out of your body, “Am I makin’ it feel good, love? Do ya feel me?”

“Yessss Harry, I feel you, please don’t stop, take me away from this, take us there, I need to feel you cum inside me, please,” you beg on a murmur.

“Hold my hands, baby,” he demands and smooths his hands up your arms where he intertwines his fingers and pulls them in close.

He picks up the pace, fucking into you like his only goal in life is to make you feel him in your soul.

“I love ya, I love ya…I need ya ta cum, baby, I need ta hear ya cum,” he says, “put your legs around me an’ take me deep… yeah, jus’ like tha’…feel good?” he asks.

“So good Harry, Oh, slow down, I’m there, I’m gonna fall, but I want you with me,” you say desperately. “Cum with me Harry…”

“I’m ready, let’s go together, ready…” He thrust three more times and you’re both gone. Fingers digging into each other’s hands and breaths mingled as he exhales deeply and you inhale at the same time, breathing each other in. Exchanging orgasms.

He drops his head to your neck as he tries to catch his breath. You feel like you can breathe again and you let out a long breath and just let the hurt leave your mind. It was an off-the-cuff remark…he didn’t know you felt that deep down. He’s said he’s sorry and you choose to forgive him. It was your first fight, and you were glad it was over. You don’t think it’ll be your last, but you’re glad that you were strong enough to talk it out.

He kisses your neck and just breathes the smell of you in.

“I love ya. Hope ya know tha’.”

You smile and using your hands you pull his head up so you can meet his eyes. “I love you and I do know you love me. I’m ok…we’re ok.”

He leans in to press his lips to yours. “Lemme get ya cleaned up an’ we can sleep s’more.”

“Ok.”

He goes to get a warm washcloth and gently cleans you and then crawls in next to you. He snuggles into your back and presses kisses to your shoulders as your hand squeezes his until you both fall asleep.

Sometime during the night, Harry had shifted to his tummy, and you were lying half on top of his back with your arm around his waist and your leg draped between his. His shoulder is warm beneath your cheek as your eyes flutter open. You roll your face to place your lips on his skin, holding them there you close your eyes again and inhale deeply. God, he smells so good. It’s been a rough twenty-four hours. You need this man like you need your next breath and so much about that was terrifying, but not as much as it was exhilarating and, well, fulfilling…you felt a completeness, like your soul had found what it longed for.

The room was dark, but you knew it was morning. You place a series of light kisses on his shoulder, and he stirs, but not enough to wake up. He was accustomed to getting as much sleep as possible while touring and after being awake in the middle of the night to make love, you wanted him to rest a little longer. You, on the other hand, were going to be late on your deadline if you didn’t get up and get some work done. You place one last kiss to his shoulder and tenderly untangle yourself from his warmth and crawl out of bed. He turns his head on the pillow and lets out a soft snore. His tanned skin on the white sheets make you long to snuggle back in, but you know you need to get to work. You visit the restroom, and run through your morning routine quickly opting to shower later because you don’t want to take a chance you’ll wake him with running water. You slip on his hoodie and joggers from last night smiling to yourself knowing he’ll tease you later for stealing his clothes and pad barefoot into the living room of the suite. You have paperwork spread everywhere from where you trying to do some work last night, but it was no use, you couldn't focus.

You sit on the floor and put your glasses on to attempt to organize the documents you had to review. You pick up a clipped bundle of police reports with witness statements on them. You were set to interview a victim’s family member and really wanted to have them review the statements before you went live on the podcast which means you need a duplicate copy of this five-page statement. You look at your phone and realized you’re once again pressed for time. You could run down to grab a copy at the business center in less than five minutes. You drop your phone and pile some other papers on top of it looking for the last page of the statement, clipping the papers together and stand up to step inside your Vans. You slip out the hotel door and hold the door so it wouldn’t slam, but as soon as the door clicks shut you realize you forgot your phone. “It’ll only take a second,” you say reasoning with the door. Turning to head to the elevator, you pull the hood up on Harry’s hoodie. Oh wow, it smells like his shampoo…damn, you love this man so much.

In the business center you set the paperwork on the feeder and wait for the machine to suck it in and make your copies. Everything was going fine, but on page three, the feeder pulls the paper in wonky and you hear the crunch of it crumble in the machine. “Shit!” you whisper shout. “Stupid machine!” you say and turn to head to the front desk for some assistance.

Upstairs, Harry, has stirred and with closed eyes was searching through the duvet for you. His hands return an empty search and he shoots up straight in the bed. Panic is the first emotion he feels, heart pounding. Did you change your mind?! He gets up looking for his joggers and can’t find them. He gives up and heads into the living room. No sign of you, but papers were strung everywhere. He walks quickly to the door and sees your bags stacked neatly. Ok, calm down, he tells himself. He goes back to the bedroom and picks up his phone, hoping for a text. Nothing! He grits his teeth. He calls your phone and after several rings, it goes to voicemail. He wanders back into the living room and tries calling you again and hears a buzzing sound. After carefully lifting a stack of papers, he finds your phone. He throws his phone to the couch and watches as it bounces off to the floor. He goes to find a pair of joggers and sits down on the couch, trying to calm his temper. He pounds his fists down on his knees and takes a deep breath, welcoming the pain in his hands and knees.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed but his head jerks up when he hears the keycard on the door ping. He runs to the door and yanks it open and pulls you to him, crushing your papers between you. He pulls back and grabs your face, kissing you hard. “Scared ‘m ta death…why didn’t ya take ya phone?”

You stammer. “I forgot it and I thought I could get back in a few minutes,” you say, feeling bad. “I’m sorry baby. I really thought I’d be back before you woke up.” You kiss him and make to walk back to your makeshift office. He grabs your hand and pulls you down to the couch next to him and sighs. “Listen, we gotta talk. Ya can get mad a’ me all ya wan’, bu’ ya can’t run off. It’s no’ safe an’ it’s no’ how I wan’ things ta be between us. An’ ya hafta take ya phone. If I hafta glue it ta ya damn hand, I will.”

You look down. “You’re right and I’m sorry. It’ll never happen again. I should probably get some work done,” you say pressing a kiss to his lips.

His eyes burn into yours. “I don’ think ya understand how serious I am abou’ this. Wha’ am I gonna hafta do ta make ya understand?”

“I’m sorry baby. I’ll do better, promise.”

“‘S not good enough. Know ya have work ta do bu’ it’s gonna hafta wait.”

Your eyes go wide. “H, you know this can’t wait.”

“It can an’ it will. Go to the bedroom, take off your clothes and wait for me.”

Your mouth opens and then closes. His eyes burn holes into yours and you know there’s no arguing with him. “Ok,” you say softly and leave the room.

He sits there for a minute trying to reel in his thoughts and emotions. He’s not angry with you, but he’s frustrated with your inability to understand how helpless he feels when he doesn’t know where you are, and he can’t get in touch with you. It’s not like he can just walk around looking for you; what he does for a living ties his hands in situations like this. Well, it’s time for you to understand this. He stands and walks over the table by the window where he left his black Gucci bag. Opening the bag he pulls out four lengths of matching pink scarves. He also pulls out the same vibrator you bought in Paris for your boudoir photo session. It’s time you learned from experience what it feels like to be helpless and needy. He tucks the vibe in the waistband of his joggers, walks to the bedroom door, and leans his shoulder on the door frame, running the scarves through his hands. He looks up to see you sitting on the edge of the bed with your legs crossed looking at your nails.

You drop your hand and your mouth drops open when you look up and see him standing there. His stare is fierce, and the set of his jaw conveys his determination. He’s a perfect study of a man attempting to control a situation where he feels little control. You should’ve gone back in for your phone, you were thoughtless and took a chance that wasn’t worth taking.

“I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so very sorry, I should’ve remembered my phone,” you plead again.

“I know ya are, love. An’ I forgive ya. But, baby, I’m jus’ not sure ya understand,” he says fidgeting with the tail of one of the scarves.

He looks up and holds you in his stare, “Listen ta me, I can’ ‘ave ya jus’ wanderin’ round…lose ma god damned mind. I can’ jus’ come find ya wi’out a mob, an’ I know ‘s no’ fair…bu’ I jus’ need ya safe.”

You stand up and awkwardly put your hands to your sides and shift your weight side to side. “Harry…” is all you can manage as he starts to walk toward you.

“Tell me, swee’heart, d’ya remember your colors?” he whispers standing close. “If ya need me to stop, wha’ color d’ya say?”

“Red,” you answer then gulp and whisper, “Umm… are you mad at me?”

He reaches up with one hand and tucks your hair behind your ear, “No, babe, I jus’ need ta make a point ya can remember.”

You smile and he smiles back at you leaning forward to kiss your forehead. “Kiss me, H,” you ask attempting to put your arms around his neck.

“Not yet, darlin’, ya gon’ ‘ave ta wait, jus’ like ya did ta me. Now, crawl up on the bed fo’ me.” He demands.

You turn to crawl on the tall bed. Leaning on your hands, you raise one knee to finish your crawl when he smacks you on the bum. “Ah!” You turn to look at him.

He cocks his head to one side, “No. More. Running. No. More. Forgetting. Your. Phone. D’ya understand me.”

“Yes, Harry, I understand,” you reply softly. You situate yourself in the middle of the bed on your back and bring your fingers to your mouth and begin to bite on the ends of them.

He furrows his brows and asks. “Ya no’ scared are ya?”

“No. I know you’d never hurt me,” you state confidently.

He smiles, “No, never.”

He looks at your body thoughtfully then tosses two of the scarves to the floor. “Bend ya knees an’ spread ya legs, please.” And you do as he asks. He adjusts himself through his joggers.

“Take ‘em off, Harry,” you say looking at the obvious bulge he’s sporting.

He cocks his head to one side, “I don’ think so, ya no’ callin’ the shots here, love.”

You huff, “But you’ll be so much more comfortable,” you reason.

“Yeah, seems like tha’ would make sense doesn’t it, but ‘m just no’ gon’ do wha’ ya ask of me even if it makes sense.” He says raising his eyebrows to make the point.

“Ok, I get it!” you say rolling your eyes.

“Don’t be rude, love, it doesn't suit ya… frustrated?” he asks with a smirk.

“Nope, not even a little,” you say defiantly.

“Careful, babe, I‘d be very careful…” he warns. “Grab ya ankles, baby,” he commands.

You grab your ankles and he uses one scarf to tie your wrist to your ankles, tightly.

You try to straighten your leg and it pulls on your arm.

He frowns, “Stop squirmin’, love.”

He walks around to the other side of the bed and does the same to the other ankle and wrist, then stands back and looks at his handywork. His stare causes a fresh gush of wetness to coat your sex.

He pulls out the vibrator and puts it next to your side and pushes his joggers down, his very hard cock popping out and pointing straight out.

Your mouth waters and you pull one hand toward him. You whimper and wiggle your back then raise your head and shoulders, “Come here Harry,” you mutter.

He shakes his head, “’m fine right ‘ere.”

“But I wanna…,” you whimper.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back, “wanna what, baby, wha’ d’ya wan’?”

“I don’t know, I just want you over here, you’re too far away…” you whimper with a shaky voice. Your hips buck up and Harry’s eyes are glued to your bare pussy.

He tsks, “’s frustrating, right…? When you jus’ can’ get to wha’ ya want.”

You close your eyes. You know he’s trying to make a point and you know you messed up this morning. You can imagine the panic he must’ve felt when you weren’t here when he woke up and you do know he can’t just come looking for you. “You made your point, Harry. I get it. It won’t happen again.”

He moves to hover over you. Mouth inches from yours, his cock presses to your bare pussy. “I know ya feel like ya get it, bu’ I need ya ta feel it s’ya remember it. I’m serious when I say this can’t happen again. Ya can’t impact my set or my emotions like tha’ again.” His fingers trail down your neck to your nipple and circle it lightly. “An’ I need to show ya wha’ it feels like for me so I know ya know.”

You swallow. You’re not scared, exactly. You know he’d never hurt you, but you’ve never seen this kind of intensity from him before and it’s putting you on edge. Truthfully, you wish he’d just get started. Normally you enjoy the anticipation, but this is different from the other times. You puff out a breath. “Ok, I…show me what it’s like for you. I’m ready.”

Harry smiles softly. “Good girl.” He picks up a scarf and places it over your eyes. “Lift ya head.” You do and he ties it behind your head. He moves from on top of you and you feel the bed shift and the buzz of your vibrator fills the air.

You let out a breath.

He trails the vibrator over your nipples and you moan. “Ya see, when ya go off like tha’ an’ I don’ know where ya are, I’m blind.” He trails it lower over your stomach. “Feels like this. I’m bound and blindfolded. Don’ know wha’s gonna happen next…” He sucks the toy into his mouth to get it wet and then trails it down your slit.

You whimper.

He moves it up and down a few times and then slowly pushes it inside you.

You gasp. “Fuck!”

He slowly moves it in and out. You squirm but can’t really move.

“Frustrating innit? Not bein’ able ta move. Tha’s wha’ it feels like fo’ me. I’m bound an’ can’t leave ta find ya.”

“Ohhh…”

He moves the toy faster and he can tell you’re getting close. Then he turns the vibrations off.

You cry out frustrated.

“Ya close?”

You nod.

“Frustrating innit? Ta have something s’close an’ then taken from ya?”

You huff out a breath. You can still feel it inside you. If you could just move a little…

You feel the bed shift and then you feel him kiss down the side of your neck, hands cupping your breasts and then fingers pulling hard on your nipples.

“Ahhhh! Mmmm…”

“It hurts a little but feels good, righ’?”

“Yes!”

You feel the bed shift again and then nothing…

“Harry?” No answer. You try and calm your mind, but your heart is pounding and you’re still pulsing from your ruined orgasm. You feel the cool air over your skin, and it turns you on even more. You’re leaking around the toy, and you just want him to come back and finish what he started.

“Ok, Harry, please…” you wiggle your hips and try to close your legs but your arms pull in the process. You’re aching for release, but that’s just your body. What’s really hurts right now is the loss of him, his touch, his voice, his warmth and comfort. Your throat catches, “H…Haarry…” you softly mutter. No answer. The vulnerability is beginning to seep and settle. “Harry! Are you still in here?”

You lick your lips and then suck them into your mouth, chin quivering. You’re wide open, he holds your heart, your emotions in his hand and he’s gone. “Harry, I’m calling for you, don’t you hear me?”

He stands in the doorway, heart racing. He knows you’ve had enough and fuck, if he can take any more of this. “I’m right here, baby.”

You hiccup and tears leak out of your eyes. “Please…”

He moves to the bed and leans over to kiss your knee; you shiver.

“I’m here, I’m here…” he smooths his hand up your tummy and sternum up to your cheek and he removes the scarf over your eyes.

“I need you, please kiss me,” you say raising your head up.

“I’m here, relax, sweetheart,” then he’s kissing your lips, your cheeks and jaw.

“I can’t relax when I can’t feel you,” you whisper as he kisses down your neck and chest.

His hand holds your breast steady as he sucks your nipple in to his mouth, “Mmm…,” you can feel the vibrations drive straight to your core and your body clamps down on the toy. He pops off and looks up into your eyes searching for your responsiveness. Holding your stare, he reaches down and flips the toy on to a low setting.

You close your eyes and arch your back digging your head into the pillow. Your mouth opens on a low-pitched moan.

“Feel good?” he asks.

“Relief…” you trail off from deep in your throat.

He smiles, “Like finally finding ya, feels like relief…d’ya understand, yeah?”

“Harry, I’m so sorry,” you say understanding written all over your face. “I need you.”

“An’ I need ya ta cum fo’ me first,” he says reaching down to push and pull the toy in and out of you.

Carefully watching your face he asks, “’s it as good as when ya did it to yourself?”

Everything is becoming clearer to you “Better, it’s better because you’re here, everything’s better when you’re here.”

He smiles, he doesn’t have to tell you that he understands that feeling after last night’s concert, because he knows you’re getting it.

He starts to circle the toy and he’s hitting your spot just right on every round. You can’t take anymore, the orgasm is on you quick and hard. “Haaahh..Ha..Harrrry, Mmmmgah!”

“Can feel ya clamp down on it…don’t stop, love,” he encourages.

The pulsing is still running through your body when he leans over propped on one elbow and he reaches down, turns the toy off and gently pulls it from your body. “So fuckin’ hot…” he mutters paying close attention to the way the toy pulls and the wetness on it.

He tosses it to the side, but can’t resist running his fingers through your slit. “Still so wet,” he comments.

You nod your head eyes meeting his, “Please make love to me?” you plead.

He starts to take the scarves off, “No. Leave them,” you say shyly.

He raises his eyebrows, “Sure?”

You nod your head and he smirks.

He uses his one hand to guide himself to your entrance, pushes part of the way in, before settling his elbows on either side of your face and slowly pushing the rest of the way in.

You raise your head up to kiss him… “Mmmmm…”

He kisses you back and then you feel his tongue at the seam of your lips and you let him in. On one hand you’re dying to touch him but on the other hand, you want to feel him inside you when you’re bound like this. His tongue caresses yours and you feel him moan into your mouth. There’s something so sexy about kissing him breathless when he’s inside you. You feel so…full - of him and love.

“Jesus…ya s’hot like this baby,” he says, as he starts moving.

“Mmmm…” is all you can say.

He grinds into you on his thrust in and you shriek his name, mouth open and gasping.

“Righ’ there?” He asks, as he does it again.

You nod frantically. “Ohhh…don’t stop! I’m - oh god, that’s so good…mmmm…”

He can tell you’re blissed out and he knows you’re close. He leans down by your ear, “I love ya an’ ‘m gonna make ya cum so fucking hard. Ya deserve it. Did s’good fo’ me.”

You’re panting and chanting as he keeps hitting his spot. You’re struggling in your ties and then he thrusts again and your back arches, head thrown back and a loud moan leaves your mouth. Everything goes white and you can feel your heartbeat in your ears.

“Fuck! Can hardly move ya squeezing me s’tight.”

You fall back onto the mattress panting and he starts moving faster chasing his own release.

You’re still so sensitive. You can feel another orgasm. “Gonna cum. Gonna cum again!”

Harry drops his forehead to yours. “Jesus, cum with me love. Come on! Wanna feel it!”

His hand moves to your throat and then you’re cumming around him again and he lets out an almighty groan, body stilling as he cums.

“Harry, untie me, please, wanna touch you,” you whine panting rapidly

He leans over on one elbow to untie and pull one scarf loose, you immediately stretch your leg out straight. He switches to the other side and unties the other ankle and wrist. You wrap your arms and legs around him feeling his back rise and fall as he breathes deeply. You run your fingernails up and down his back trying to soothe him.

He raises his head from your neck and rests his forehead on yours, “Babe how’s your legs, ya Ok?”

“I’m great, H. But I need to say something to you,” you say holding his cheeks.

“Ok,” he answers.

“I’m so sorry for everything over the last day, I’m sorry I didn’t have my phone and made you worry, I won’t do that again, I don’t want you to worry about me in that way, and I understand…how terrible that must have been,” you’re searching for a way to convey just how sorry you are.

“I know, sweetheart, I know…I love ya,” he says kissing your lips softly.

You smile at him and he returns the smile. “Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you were making a point… and believe me I got it… but there were parts of that… that…” you stammer.

He smirks, “Wha’…tha’ were hot?”

You nod, his head moving with your nod.

He chuckles, “Wanna revisit them sometime?”

“Yeah, I mean…only if you wanna…?” you say quietly.

He presses his lips to yours, “Baby, you’re s’perfect fo’ me…s’perfect…”

“I think maybe we’re perfect for each other.”

#the fight #original content #harry smut #harry styles smut #harry styles fanfiction #friends to lovers

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boysbellyrubs · 2 years

Note

Love your writing style, any way you can write a fic where Caine is so ill he’s beyond emotional and won’t be consoled by anyone but Quinn?

hopefully this matches your idea, anon. got a bit carried away with this one.

cw: mental health sort of

---

Everything was pissing him off today. Caine couldn’t take one breath before something or someone was aggravating him and making him lash out. It was exhausting to say the least, he couldn’t be bothered being sociable. He was introverted anyway, why the fuck should he have to constantly be around people when he didn’t want to be.

He was seething, biting his lip, clenching his fists and because of his perpetual frown he had given himself a major headache. Today had been not a good day. It had started out with a tutorial that he did not want to go to at 9am, a boring lecture that he barely paid attention to and then coming home to apparently everyone over at their place for something he didn’t bother listening to.

The moment he stepped in the door he was assaulted with people welcoming him home and shouting about how he ‘better join in or all the good snacks would be gone’, but to be frank, the last thing he wanted was snacks.

The cold had seeped into his bones, leaving him with a chill that wouldn’t go away. His headache had only gotten worse and his mind was so foggy he barely even registered that he was being dragged to sit down and join in on whatever game his friends were playing.

Fuck, why can’t I just go to bed.

He said nothing. He had nothing to contribute anyway. The jokes told weren’t funny today, the laughter rang sharp in his head, the constant touching and moving was pushing him closer and closer to flipping the table. It was all too overwhelming and he was fucking tired of it.

“Oi, Caine, what’s up your ass?” Eleanor quipped, she was shaking a few skittles in her hand and Caine swore he heard every rattle.

He looked at everyone staring at him like a zoo exhibit. God, can’t they just leave him alone. He gave no answer to the girl, instead getting up from his seat and leaving the room. Too much was going on at once, his head was literally about to pop.

Getting out of the situation didn’t seem to help, he only was more aware of his deteriorating mental and physical state. The headache was pounding right behind his eyes and his stomach was beginning to follow that. Fuck was he sick? That would explain his awful mood.

A hand touched his shoulder, “Hey, dude are you okay?” He jerked away from it, spinning around to look at Lincoln’s bewildered expression.

“Fine.” His voice was crackly. Had he not spoken at all today? He glared at the floor, Lincoln’s touch radiating on his skin.

“Are you sure?”

God, fuck off, “Yes, I’m sure. Now just go play your stupid fucking game, I’m going to bed.”

He turned sharply on his heel, which only worsened his headache and caused him to stumble. He groaned and tried to stop himself from completely nailing himself on the floor, but Lincoln had grabbed his shoulders and steadied him.

“Oh my god, what the hell was that? You are definitely not okay, you fucking idiot.” He didn’t let go, and Caine felt worse. The tightness of his grip was almost claustrophobic and the walls of the hallway suddenly felt much too small. He sucked in a deep breath but found little air entering his lungs.

He pushed Lincoln away, covered his mouth and sprinted to the bathroom. The feeling of being squeezed lingered and he spewed up his stomach into the clear water. Gag upon gag, his stomach turned itself inside out. It was violent, to say the least. He groaned, gripping the toilet so tightly his knuckles turned white and kept vomiting.

He felt his tears on his skin before he realised he was crying. They cascaded down his face and his breath was shuddering. He felt so fucking sick, overwhelmed and angry. Angry at his fucking friends who didn’t ever think about him and always wanted to be extroverted idiots who-

Fuck. Now he was spiralling. All of his sickness was translating into anger that wasn’t actually true. He needed his friends. But he didn’t know if he could take it.

He burped up another mouthful, his stomach cramping harshly. He wrapped one arm around his belly, the pressure helped calm him down a little. He was still crying and he guessed he had a pretty high fever with all of his racing thoughts.

Dropping his head down onto the seat, no longer caring about germs, he let himself cry. It was humiliating but my god did he need that cry. Everything came spilling out. Not just from being sick, but the stress of assignments piling up, exams soon and essays to write, he wasn’t studying enough, he had no motivation at all and all his friends seemed to not care.

Why the fuck does his brain always feel like it’s running at a hundred miles per hour, and everything he needed to do was piling up while they could sit and relax and play stupid fucking games. He sobbed, raw and loud. His stomach gurgled along with him, and he pulled his heavy head back up to puke. Now this stomach bug was going to push him back even further with assignments.

That thought alone sent a fresh wave of tears up. He hadn’t cried like this in years. It all came crashing down at this one moment.

He had slammed and locked the door on his way in, so he only heard the knocking when he had a reprieve of both vomiting and crying. His vision blurred and he found himself unable to move to unlock it. The tiles were much more welcoming and they didn’t squeeze his shoulders too tight.

His belly was not letting him forget about how sick he was. He rolled onto his back and put both hands on his stomach. It was swollen and upset, gurgles and bubbles rippling under his palms and he moaned. Acid shot up his throat and he coughed, swallowing it back down with a little trouble. He rubbed his hands all across his belly, unable to hold back his miserable noises.

Tears pooled in his eyes again and they dribbled into his ears and hair, mixing with the sweat that lay there. The ceiling was spinning, trying to focus on the lightbulb didn’t help as that just caused his eyes to sting. He felt the beginning of another round of vomiting but he just couldn't pick himself up. An airy burp escaped his mouth and then another belch brought up some stomach acid and water. He turned to the side, now painting the floor with his puke.

“Mmh, fuck.” He moaned, now feeling worse for making a mess. He felt 5 again. He begged for his mother to come and help, rub his belly or brush back his hair as he puked. More vomit fell from his lips, tiny gags and hiccups now shaking his frame.

The room was incredibly warm. It felt like when someone had taken a shower and all the steam was left in the bathroom. A sauna. His stomach cramped and his legs jolted upwards. He rolled to his side and curled into a foetal position, wrapping both arms around his middle. At least the tile was cold on his temple.

He didn’t know how long he was there for, but he didn’t care. It was quiet, and no one was around, and his stomach was finally calming down. However, eventually he heard the door unlock and whispers coming from the hallway.

He didn’t bother moving, they would end up doing it for him anyway.

“Oh my god, Caine! Dude, are you okay?”

Just as he suspected, unwanted hands grabbed his arm and yanked him up from his spot. He groaned, head flopping into their shoulder. Whoever it was, they were fucking bony.

“Stop…I dn’t feel good.” He murmured.

Their hand touched his forehead, fuck was their hand nice and cold. He leaned into their touch.

“Raging fever. How are you even alive.” They were supporting him like he was a child, and honestly it was nice because he had free access to his stomach. The sudden movement caused it to start tossing again and a grizzly groan fell from his lips.

“G’nna puke.” He didn’t have the capacity to hold it back and he heaved, the last of it spilling down his front. He felt like he was drunk; he was so out of control of his own body he could barely keep his mouth shut. Moaning and now covered in hot puke, his emotions flared again and tears trickled down his cheeks.

They wiped his tears, “Hey man, don’t cry. You’re gonna be okay.”

He tossed his head away from the touch. It felt like electricity. Caine let his body drop fully into their arms, head flopping backwards and limbs going slack. He was too exhausted. All he wanted was a bed and some fucking peace and quiet.

Thankfully, they got the message and lifted him up to hopefully go to his room. His fever muddled brain had connected the dots that Lincoln was probably carrying him, especially because he was so cold and bony. He didn’t want Lincoln though. Lincoln was fire and pain, his fingertips sending hot sparks of molten lava down to his bones. He wriggled in his grasp but that only made the boy hold him tighter, making everything so much worse.

He finally felt the softness of his mattress and he collapsed into the pillows, not caring about the vomit still drying on his clothes. Lincoln peeled off his shirt and left him like that, figuring that he didn’t need any layers because he was already boiling out of his skin.

Caine groaned, a hand coming to rest on his middle as it grumbled. The organ was no longer nauseated but still was aching and causing him distress. He hoped to never experience this sickness again.

The room was silent for a while. Lincoln must have left, which he was grateful for but now he was just lonely. God, he was going through every emotion known to man at this point.

Curling up on his side, he couldn’t hold back his tears. He wanted to be comforted by Quinn. Quinn would solve every problem and make his belly stop hurting, his head stop spinning, his skin stop burning, and his tears to evaporate. Quinn could do that all with one glance. But, he wasn’t here and that made him cry harder.

Why isn’t he here? I need him.

Like the gods had been listening, his bedroom door opened and in stepped the one person he needed most. Not Lincoln or Eleanor; Quinn, who could fix everything.

“Oh, baby, this stomach bug is really hurting you isn’t it.”

The baby talk would’ve embarrassed Caine but at this point he had no fucking dignity left. He nodded and squeezed his eyes as built up tears fell from his eyelashes. Quinn rushed to his side, smoothing his hair and running a hand down his shoulder right down to his hip.

“What do you need me to do?” Quinn said, bringing his head down to make eye contact. He kissed Caine’s forehead, eyebrows scrunching at the radiator like waves of heat coming off it, “That’s a nasty fever you have there. How about we start with some medicine?”

No, don’t go.

“No, stay please. I need you.” Caine’s voice was small, weak and revealed all of his inner thoughts. Quinn understood exactly what he had to do. He texted Lincoln to bring in some medicine and supplies while he got settled in to comfort his terribly sick boyfriend.

Caine didn’t notice, focusing solely on the touch of Quinn’s hand on his thigh. It didn’t burn like Lincoln’s. It was heavy but in a good way, a way that made him feel safe. Finally, when Quinn cuddled in behind him, the pressure immediately eased his racing thoughts.

Quinn kissed all along his neck, shoulders and hair. The treatment allowed Caine to finally relax and let go of his overwhelming emotions. He grabbed Quinn’s hand and brought it to his belly, of course it needed some rubs to help him sleep.

“It really hurts.” He mumbled, voice cracking with overuse. Quinn got the picture quickly and got to soothing his insides. Caine instantly relaxed under his warm touch, feeling every muscle come loose and every ache in his joints dissipate. The tears flowed freely once again, unwilling and unrelenting.

Quinn kissed his shoulder, “Don’t cry, silly. You’re okay now.” His words were enough to set Caine crying again, too overwhelmed with kindness and love and caring. Quinn made an upset noise in his throat, probably blaming himself for making Caine cry harder.

“Caine, what’s wrong?”

Caine sniffled, worsening his headache and making his sinuses hurt, “It’s just-” He paused, unable to go on. He let himself breathe and gather his thoughts, “My mind kept telling me I had no one and you all didn’t care about me when I was throwing up. I know that it's not true but it was just so hard to not listen. I feel awful, Quinn, my head hurts, my body hurts, my stomach hurts. Please, just tell me it’s okay. I need to hear it from you.”

Being this vulnerable was foreign to Caine. Every fibre of his being was telling him to stop, stop being such a fucking pussy, but being wrapped up in someones strong arms and being held in such a tender way, there was no way he wasn’t going to fall apart.

Quinn’s hand smoothed up his belly, “It’s okay, love. You’re just very sick right now, but I’m here, Lincoln’s here, Eleanor’s here, we’re all here to care and be your friends. I promise you that.” He kissed Caine’s neck faintly, barely touching the skin but leaving a fiery mark in its place. Caine focused in on the touch and let out a shuddering sigh. Sinking properly into Quinn’s arms, he began to feel a little better.

Nothing more was said between them, Quinn continued his caresses and Caine let his words replay in his head.

I’m okay. He’s here to look after me.

---

hope you enjoyed, Caine is pretty much my self insert so this was a good vent lol. very fun too.

#Caine #sickfic #vomiting #emeto #emetophilia #belly rubs #stomach ache #crying #oc's #Quinn #stomach flu #burping

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jaejae-graffty · 1 year

Audio

I’ve been using OpenUTAU for roughly a week now, and I’m getting the hang of it. I still have much to learn, though, and there’s a bunch of terminology in using UTAUloids that I find it outright overwhelming. This is the first cover I’ve made with OpenUTAU (been mostly using it for my own compositions up to this point). I’m quite happy with the way it turned out, although I’m pretty sure there’s other folks out there who can make better OpenUTAU outputs ready to shoot me down. I’m just gonna post it here for the time being, as this is a cover song and not a「lucydream」track, so I’m not upload it on Newgrounds and SoundCloud. I’m trying to learn hwo to make a lyric video/visualizer, so it might be on YouTube, but it’s gonna take another while before I actually get any work done. -/- The song is originally in Japanese, but I translated it into English while I was bored. I only know minimal Nihongo, so instead of aiming for a literal translation, I just made it as cohesive as I can for a western audience. Not to brag, but the lyrics actually got pinned by the band themselves when I posted it on the original song’s comment section months ago The lyrics are down below: Eversolitude「OVERWRITE」 Music: Eversolitude Lyrics (original): Eversolitude Lyrics (translation): Jaejae of「lucydream」 0:28 There's only emptiness when time leaves the room I wonder if I can go back by closing my eyes 0:51 I am now getting tired of staying safe and put I'm just protecting scars that aren't even there 1:03 I feel like an hourglass being filled with more pain than I can ever muster my whole life It's only a matter of time before I fall and break myself 1:14 (OVERWRITE) I am here, all alone (WRITE) overwriting myself (WRITE) to the point where I don't know what to do Oh, as I wait, I hear footsteps getting closer Oh, as I wait, I grow in fear and hope that they leave me alone 1:48 Turn around and return to the sea in hopes that a hand will pull you out I'm getting sick of drowning in my room over sentimental things and cheap pain, it makes me choke I see you, acting like you suffered a tragedy when you're just using words to make a narrative Are you fine now? I've waited for too long 2:21 Start over, start over Rewrite everything, rewrite everything 2:29 It's alright if you can't remember things the way we used to way back then What matters right now is I see everything, crystal clear Our purpose melts away with each and every single breath our bodies make, it's just like watching clouds pouring rain onto our very own heads Let's overwrite the time we spent together into something only we can make with everything we have 3:04 (OVERWRITE) 3:06 (OVERWRITE) Our dream has ended, (WRITE) so let's overwrite our (WRITE) dream so we can live together once more All I see is blank, it means that our dream is no more All I see is black, it means that I can't see you for our time has passed 3:40 Feel the rain fall onto the clock, pushing its hands forward to move on Overwriting our dear abominable memories, breathing new life into our dreams -/- As for the voicebanks used, I have listed them below: Clean Vocals: [Milk - English -] by Xepheris https://xepheris.wixsite.com/milk/milk-english Backing Vocals: [湯鬱声からす_ENG Retake] by revolocities http://karasu.utau.us [Kumi Hitsuboku - English (Complete)] by Cubialpha https://cubialpha.wixsite.com/koomstar/downloads Unclean Vocals: [TREI 【PRIMAL AWAKENING】] by Team Shizun https://team-shizun.wixsite.com/welcome/trei [Kumi Hitsuboku - Erase] by Cubialpha https://cubialpha.wixsite.com/koomstar/erase [Maiko Hakaine] by Maiko Nagasaki (DAZZLE VISION) http://gekkayo.biz/hakainemaiko_born/ -/- Feel free to let me know if you like it or hate it XD thanks

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ingo-ingoing-ingone · 2 years

Text

Submas Song Sunday

on TrainGuy Tuesday kinda vibe

Yup lmao I’m Back At It, this time @fourphoenixfeathers Fusion AU edition! :D

Submas Song Sunday, aka where I take a song from my playlist and kinda just talk about how I think it fits the subway bros (or just one of em!)

I might include references to fanfic, or explain an animatic I can think up to the song, or just talk about it!

DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this playlist is intended to portray anything aside from familial relationships. I am NOT looking at backstories of songs, who they were written for, or songwriter’s intent. I go STRICTLY off lyrics and how I interpret them!

You may find a link to the playlist in my pinned post! If you have a song you want me to talk about, send it in :)

Song: Home by Cavetown

So it’s no great secret that I’ve been writing a lot about Ei, the fusion of Ingo and Emmet. In that AU he gets pretty badly hurt, go read both my fic Two-Headed and Phoenix’s series Cobwebs if you want more Ei lore!

Mainly writing this out for her bc I can’t get ideas out my brain right now.

Often, I am upset that I cannot fall in love, but I guess This avoids the stress of falling out of it

We begin after Ei gets injured, when he sees that his four armed, four eyed form that he’s stuck in due to distortion nonsense is seeding some distrust among certain elders in the Pearl Clan. They had never even liked him to begin with; he finds this somewhat distressing, especially now when he’s so vulnerable.

But he can’t help but wonder if perhaps their reaction would’ve been worse if they had liked him. Would it be seen as a betrayal?

Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now, but I swear When I'm ready, I will fly us out of here

And then he is alone. E is alone and he’s worried about I... Is he getting sick of E controlling everything but unable to do anything about it because I is so injured...?

I also see this a bit as injured Ei with Akari; he tried to downplay how serious things are at first, but he still needs to get her home.

I'll cut my hair to make you stare I'll hide my chest And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

I don’t take these lines too literally, but Ei tried to hide his extra eyes and arms for as long as he could to remain safe. There are definitely some who would attack him on sight for looking like that.

He meets the banished Akari in that form as well, and swears he’ll get them both home and keep her safe.

But then, post stab, now he hides his scar.

Turn off your porcelain face I can't really think right now and this place Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane

The lack of his second heart makes Ei pale, much paler than normal, and things overwhelm him easier. At some moments, more often than before, it’s all just too much and the brain fog closes in. Remembering is hard. Existing is hard.

Are you dead?

E often tries to speak to I. As time passes, the responses get less and less frequent until they stop. E wonders, then, if I is well and truly gone from within him.

Sometimes I think I'm dead 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

And Ei slowly begins to realize that he... Is more or less a dead man walking. It’s only a matter of time.

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

He doesn’t want to die, but especially not yet. Not when he’s not home. Not when Akari needs him.

My eyes went dark I don't know where My pupils are

Ei’s eyes glow, whether that is two or four. But then... The eyes that belong to I no longer glow after a while. They just remain, half open, unresponsive. He can’t really see out of them any more.

But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here.

E promises I they will BOTH make it home.

Get a load of this monster He doesn't know how to communicate His mind is in a different place

When Ei first showed up, he still was remarkably different from everyone around him. The man is 8 feet tall. He came from nowhere, speaks a strange language, and did not immediately find friends in the Pearl Clan or Hisui in general.

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?

Irida vouched for him, though.

Get a load of this train wreck His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

He’s got amnesia. He doesn’t know who he was, or who he will be.

But little do we know, the stars Welcome him with open–

But, despite the hardships, Ei is living in the moment. To the delight of E, the stars are brighter and the sky more beautiful than he had ever seen before.

Get a load of this monster He doesn't know how to communicate

But now. Ei is hurt. Ei looks monstrous, wanting nothing more than to hide and not show or acknowledge his extra parts. He is not good with words any more; that was I’s specialty. Explanations do not come easy.

His mind is in a different place

Well, half of it is.

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?

Even now, Irida sticks up for him when suspicious and curious clan members make him uncomfortable.

Get a load of this train wreck His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

He now knows he’s probably two people. Will he remain two people if one fades away? Will he still be Ei?

But little do we know, the stars Welcome him with open arms

While stargazing was more E’s thing than I’s, Ei still does it. He hopes that his wonder will filter its way down to his subdued half and bring him some comfort.

Time is Slowly Tracing his face

As the days and weeks go on, he gets weaker. His existence cannot be sustained like this.

But strangely he feels at home in this place.

But with everyone he has caring about him and rooting for him and on his side, at the very least. E and I are not alone.

#submas song sunday #pla era #submas angst #submas #submas fusion au #ei #ingo #emmet #there we go lol #this will only make sense to a select few but screw it i want to post it anyways #some spoilers for my fic in here but only a couple :D

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livingwithlosingyou · 1 year

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Living with Losing You - 11/27/2022

Okay, now I am sick.

It finally happened. I woke up actually sick this morning. I feel like complete ass.

Anyway, this blog is going to be shorter cause I feel like shit and I didn’t do a ton today. I went to PS this morning for breakfast which was so much more tiring than I could have ever imagined. I ate that and basically sat on my ass and watched Netflix most of the day. I did leave to pick up Sadie, grab her dogfood, and then get myself lunch. That was not until about 12:30pm though. I also got the animals some Christmas themed collars (pictures will happy sooner or later). But yeah, I am just focusing primarily on resting today.

I am sad that I finished the entire series of “Dead to Me”. It was really good. I honestly appreciated how it talked about grief and loss. Makes me feel a little less crazy. Which is the perfect Segway to the fact that I struggled today. Badly. I just feel awful. Full body aches, coughing, trouble breathing, fever, etc. It’s not COVID cause I tested for it. Whatever it is, it’s the worst. I guess if I had to compare it to Hand, Foot, and Mouth though, not as bad. But still, I don’t appreciate how much I have been sick the last 4-5 months. I still can’t even believe it’s been that long.

Pho hit the spot though. I got a banana smoothie well because I was in my feels. I had sushi for dinner, and while I was waiting I went to Michaels (yes, with a mask) and bought some more Christmas décor. Retail therapy does wonders. I forgot to mention this in a prior blog, but I finally ordered myself a new Garmin watch that should be coming soon. I can’t wait for that!

If you think this blog is all over the place, you are correct. my ADHD (undiagnosed but we all know I have it lol) is so much worse when I don’t feel well.

I was supposed to go to PT tomorrow, but since I had a fever, I had to cancel my appointment. That sucks. I am also supposed to do some holiday / Christmas recording on Tuesday but my voice is shit right now.

Okay - back to what I was saying about today being tough. I just am sad that you aren’t going to be here for Christmas. I appreciated how much you supported how much I just love this holiday. It also doesn’t help that I am sick and it makes me sad that you aren’t here to take care of me like you used to. Insult to injury.

At one point I was crying and asking God to direct me to what he wants me to see (sometimes I will do this with the bible) and I literally opened it up to Job. Which, people have compared my life to at this point. Anyway, it was the section when Job was basically bitching at God like “where are you I am doing all the right things and you’re not here”. Not a direct quote (LOL), but you know what I mean. It was very telling. I prayed for your sobriety. Most of all, I prayed for your peace, and I still do. I love to sense you, but it also saddens me because I just miss you so much. I know I need to trust in the Lord and his plan, but he did make me human with 1,000 emotions. I am trying.

I really need to go to bed at a somewhat decent time tomorrow because I have to work, even if I feel like shit. There is too much to do before the NYC trip this weekend. Honestly, I need to take this week a day at a time otherwise I will get overwhelmed. AHHHHHHH.

You were the one thing that could keep me grounded. I miss that. I am figuring that out again.

Before I end this blog, I wanted to leave some lyrics that I wrote today. All about being honest and vulnerable on here so:

Does anything ever make sense? I’m putting up my tree again I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas

Everyone’s cozied up at home I’m on the couch, all alone I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas

Holly Jolly nothing It’s the worst time of the year The stockings are filled with coal and the one thing I held dear, Is, gone Like the winter As it melts into the spring I don’t really wanna be around for Christmas Season’s Greetings, fuck everything

I am clearly upset. It just feels unfair that you had to die. But, I am trying to focus on gratitude. And look, I LOVE this time of year. But it doesn’t mean that I am also not bitter. It’s hard not to be. Grief is a fucking bitch.

I love you, James. I know you loved me too.

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

PS - Some not so fun pics from today.

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lovewheeler · 2 years

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okay so recently i’ve been really anxious, i just got a really good job and i’ve been really nervous and anxious to the point where i feel sick or nauseous and maybe it’s just me being overwhelmed and shit like that but i feel like it’s been taking a toll on me and currently i’m on the verge of tears because i’m genuinely so anxious and scared and overwhelmed and my schedule is like everywhere. it’s been taking a toll on me to the point where i feel as if i’m not even really here or like i cannot act like my normal self?? if that makes sense. i’m just really drained and with time, its just going by so fast and it makes me feel as if i’m spending my whole day just working and then when i get home, i will literally just lay on the bed and then by the time i know it, i have to sleep for the next day. i’m genuinely so tired and not in a like sleepy way i’m tired in a mental way. i don’t have time to actually write and do normal things, maybe i just have to adjust to my schedule but like everything is a mess and i feel as if even though i get this off my chest, i’m still just going to be anxious or even more. sorry bambi baby, if anything you really don’t need to answer, you can even delete it but thank you for being the sweetest. swear you’re my favorite mutual <3.

oh bubbie ): cmere i’m hugging you and wrapping a blanket around your shoulders and making you a cup of hot tea. i’m sorry, I know how hard it is to be overwhelmed and feeling like you have no semblance of control ): i can’t help too much without knowing your situations and the limitations but just know i’m here if you need to talk, and if it’s the schedule itself wearing you out try and talk to your boss if that’s possible! remember i’m always in your corner <3

#ur so sweet #love letters.

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chelseaclintonn · 2 years

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April 23rd 11:30pm

There’s just so many layers to how I’m feeling. On the outside it seems like I’m happy and things are on the right path to falling in place for me but on the inside I’m CONSTANTLY battling my demons. I wouldn’t say I’m not happy but I’m struggling mentally. I’m writing this because I know I’m not the only one that just feels so heavy right now. I feel like the world is crying out for help. NY especially is crying out for help. Since our normal lives was literally uprooted from us a lot of us haven’t taken the time to heal because we don’t know how to live through a modern day bubonic plague is what it feels like. I can only speak for myself when I say I know healing is going to be completely different for me this time around because we’re still going through this. It’s been two years but it always feels like such a blur. We’re literally taking everyday one day at a time re-learning life.

There has always been crime but something about this past year just seems so dark. The most bazaar unprovoked crimes happening everyday makes me not even feel comfortable to take the subway and I’ve NEVER felt like that in my life living in NY. So many people are struggling and it’s just so hard to watch on top of everything I’m dealing with personally when I literally. feel. everything. Empath problems. I literally feel sick to my stomach most times. In my head I’m always asking why ? What made them do that ? And the only answer I can come up with is this is literally the aftermath people being fired or losing their jobs. Not being able to provide for their families. It would drive me crazy too. So much anger is pouring out of NY. I just hate that innocent civilians fall victim to these sick episodes. A million and one things run though my mind with every situation. I question myself because I find myself being conflicted with either unfollowing these pages that gives updates in NYC or keep following because I rather be aware, know what and who to look out for. the areas to stay away from for my own safety but my mental health withering away. Im tired.

My personal situation might not be a lot compared to someone else but It fucking sucks venting to someone that’s always going to downplay what you’re going though. Being told constantly you’re not enough even straight down to the path I choose to get a pay check. I just got a new job and it’s an amazing opportunity but am I selling myself short ? Is this going to get me where I want to be in life ? Is this worth it ? The joy the thrill of looking forward to new experience quickly turned into darkness for me because of empty words from someone else. Words & certain situations replay over and over in my head for me and this is one of them unfortunately.

It fucking sucks to have to constantly listen to someone you know you can’t live without speak on wishing they could just die because they just can’t take living under their circumstances anymore not knowing how much it’s hurts me. I burst into tears sometimes because I’m just so overwhelmed with emotions. I cry when I leave my friends sometimes because I don’t wanna be alone and I’m scared of the things I might do to myself because of my anxiety. & No I am not suicidal. I don’t think I’d ever have the balls to let my thoughts get that far. I know better, but damn I’m mentally tired.

High functioning anxiety fucking sucks.

Trying to heal and work on myself this time around feels like I’m trying to move mountains. I’m just trying to figure out what healthy healing looks like for me again. List of things on my “To do list” are …it’s time to actually find a therapist. I want to go back to church even if that mean finding a new one that fits ME and my journey right now. I want to get back to feeling like myself. I don’t want to stress & reply shit in my head. I just want to let go. Be free. FOCUSED. Words of affirmation definitely help me do just that. A gentle reminder at the beginning of the day really helps me get through the day because I’m focused on the bigger picture. It reminds me to put all my energy in to myself & what I’m trying to manifest. I love that feeling. Those affirmations help me keep grounded and out of my thoughts.

One things that has definitely kept me sane are my friends. I really thank God for them. It’s funny they always say I’m the mother of the group or I keep and bring everyone together but they don’t know how much they have helped me.. well scratch that. I’ve been very vocal with my loved ones this year. Letting them know how I feel, keeping open communication no matter how big or small the relationship is. Giving them their flowers now. The circles I’m in we express that to each other. How much we love each other and how our friendships have helped us to become better individuals. I have friends that I’ve only know for short time but we uplift and love on one each other like we’ve know each other our whole lives. My friends & family play such a big role in my sanity, it feels so good to nurture relationships that reciprocate what you give & more. That love is all I’ll ever need. I’m learning that my authentic self will always lead me to my tribe. As I’m writing this paragraph about them I’m happy & I’m in a good head space so I’ll end this here and go to bed lol

I know this entry was all over the place which is just a reflection of my thoughts and current moods throughout them. Thank you for reading. Feel free to always hit me up and talk maybe we can learn from each other.

Peace, Love & Light

Chelsea

April 24th 12:38am

Mini update: 4/24/22 11:44am

Service was everything I needed. Pastor was talking directly to me. This is my season !

#selfmotivation selfgrowth selflove support 2017 blackqueens blackswhoblog #selfgrowth #lessons learned #growth #fuck covid #friends #family #april 2022

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mackenskibc · 3 years

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#I’m sick and tired of literally everything and it’s just so overwhelming I can’t take it anymore #and I’m keeping everything that’s going on in my head to myself and I guess it’s just too much to handle #uni’s been way too exhausting and I’m failing some classes and I’m literally a failure and idk how am I even supposed to finish the semester #and don’t even get me started on my second school bc I have exams in like 2 weeks and I know nothing and I’m stressed already #god I never even wanted to go to University I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing with my life #and truth is I never thought I’d even finish high school so I genuinely had no plans for life and ppl my age are getting married #or have their own companies and then there’s me a fucking lonely talentless clown with no purpose in life #and I’m lonely af and have no one to talk to irl and even my sister and mom don’t want to spend time with me so yeah that’s great #my life’s just a mess and I really don’t know what to do anymore #and I know my mental health got much worse bc I was so proud of staying self harm clean for over 3 months but of course I had to fuck it up #I’m just so tired of it all I need a break #sorry for the rant I guess I just needed to get it off my chest #(didn’t really help but you get the point)#gab rants ™#gab is sad ™

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fallinfl0wers · 3 years

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hello!! c: I loved prompt 18 and so I was wondering if you could write something with childe, diluc and kaeya (separately) where your s/o is very excited for the date that was arranged, the reader gets dressed and puts on his/her best clothes, but then after waiting a long time for her partner, she realizes that he won't show up. Maybe after returning home find the character sleeping or doing something else? angst/hurt with comfort attempt pls? 😭

When he stands you up, and then apologizes

summary: you had both agreed to this date, you even planned it on advance so that it wouldn't interfere with his schedule together! ...so why isn't he here? includes: childe (19 bullet points), diluc (21 bullet points), kaeya (19 bullet points) format: bulletted headcanons + small dialogues warnings: reader being stood up, also i think this turned out to be really gender neutral? i think i didn't really use gendered words... thank you for your request! i hope you like it >< i'm still not very good at writing kaeya, so i hope this was okay;;

Diluc

Truth be told, you were already expecting this to happen. Deep down.

But that didn't make it hurt any less.

You both had planned it with months of anticipation, too. He promised you he'd be here.

But here you were, coming back home after being stood up. You had waited for him for hours, and he never showed up.

So you were back at the winery, and he wasn't even there. The maids told you he had to attend... some business outside.

Just great, you thought as you entered your shared, empty room and put on some more comfortable clothing. He forgot about it.

When Diluc gets home late at night and goes to your room, he's greeted with you snacking on some cookies and reading a novel.

"Love?" "Oh, you're finally home. Hi."

Diluc feels guilty. The reason why he hadn't gone to your date was because he had received yet another threatening letter from the abyss order and had to take care of that as soon as possible.

It really wasn't his intention to stand you up!

Even if you know about his vigilante duties, he feels hesitant on telling you this.

He feels like it sounds like an excuse even if it isn't and he has proof.

So he kneels down next to the bed while you keep giving him the cold shoulder, hurt, yet trying not to show it to him.

"I'm sorry, love. I really am. I promise you this will be the last time something like this happens. Please let me make it up to you."

And making it up he does.

For the rest of the month, he clears his schedule as much as possible to spend time with you.

Whatever you want to get or do, he will get or do.

You want to eat your favorite cake? He'll get the maids to bake it for you.

You want to visit Liyue, you say? He can take you there and get you anything that catches your attention, from a simple dish to the most expensive of jewerly and outfits you could want.

He's awkward with his words, but even then he tries for you and tells you how precious you are to him, how much he loves you and how sorry he still is he sometimes can't spoil you and spend time with you how you deserve.

More than anything, though, he spends quality time with you and does acts of service for you besides the multiple gifts (since you probably rejected a lot of his offers to get you things). That's how he tries to make it all up to you.

He promises he'll be more careful from now on.

And he kept that promise, since in the next big date you organized, he was there an hour early with a bouquet of your favorite flowers, waiting for you.

You were never stood up again.

Childe/Tartaglia/Ajax

Normally, you wouldn't blame him or be too hurt when this kind of thing happens.

You understand he has a very important position within the Fatui and that means he can be sent on important, urgent missions at any time and he can't complain or go against his orders.

You respect his work, you get it and all.

But this time what hurt you the most wasn't being stood up, it was the fact that he didn't show up the next day, or the next, or the next, or the next after that.

He practically disappeared for two months without any notice and without sending any kind of letter or message.

A lot of the usual agents you'd see working at the bank and you knew worked under his command weren't there, and the few who were had no clue where he went.

You were both angry, hurt and worried sick.

You waited, and waited, and kept on waiting.

And the night he finally came back home, fortunately unharmed, you literally tackled him with a hug with tears in your eyes.

"Uwah, you missed me that much~? Wait- it's not the time for this! I'm- I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I couldn't go to our date that day, it really wasn't my intention to-" "S-shut up! I- Do you know how worried I was?!"

He was thinking about your date the whole time he was away on that long, long mission.

Ajax can be a lot of things, most of which are bad things, but he would NEVER break a promise.

So he feels extremely guilty for breaking that one promise he had with you :(

If you thought Diluc could start to get overwhelming with gifts and attention, you have yet to see what Childe is willing to do to earn your forgiveness.

You WILL be treated like royalty, whether you want to or not.

He will spoil you rotten with everything he can. Food, gifts, travels, physical affection, adventures, theatre plays, concerts, art works, books-

Say the word and he will give you whatever you want. No need to hold back! He loves spoiling you, don't feel guilty for anything.

Hell, he would even let you beat him up without defending himself if you were really that mad at him.

"Okay, do you remember what we say in Snezhnaya about pinkie promises? If we break one, we can be thrown in the ice. Do you want us to go to Dragonspine so you can throw me in the ice or something?!" "A-ajax, we don't need to go that far!!" Or maybe you do, hmm...

Overall he's very apologetic and feels a bit disappointed in himself.

He never wants to break your trust, so he will make sure this won't happen again!

Kaeya

The Cavalry Captain is a very busy person, even if it sometimes doesn't look like it.

You know it, you've known it from the very start.

But it doesn't make it any less humilliating or painful to leave on your own after waiting for him for hours just for him not to show up at all.

You go back home and, after having cried for a while, you go to sleep on your own, locking the door from inside and keeping the key with you.

So when Kaeya went back home, he couldn't enter the room to sleep.

This man literally forgot about your date, sorry.

He just got so busy early in the day- he was practically overworked the entire day and couldn't get out to go to your date.

In fact, he was so tired at the moment that he feel asleep the moment he sat down on the couch.

So the apology would wait until tomorrow, when you would finally get out from the room to have breakfast.

You saw no glimpse of him, and assumed he just wasn't home right now.

But as you were making breakfast for yourself, he appeared seemingly out of nowhere and hugged you from behind.

"Hello there, darling... I'm sorry for yesterday, I suddenly got all this work piled upon me. I know, I know it sounds like an excuse but I swear it isn't. I'm just- I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am."

He goes on to explain everything that happened to him the day before and apoogize over and over again.

He feels so sorry :( He was so stressed and overworked, it really just skipped over his head.

He asks you how would you want him to make it up to you.

He will do about everything you want, no matter what it is.

He, too, would let you hit him for a while if you were feeling mad enough to do it.

He's going to be practically glued to you for the rest of the week- or even the next month if he can!!

He will get very touchy and vocal about it too... Overall, Kaeya is going to be really clingy with you.

You might need to tell him to stop if it gets overwhelming, otherwise, he's going to keep on doing it!

#diluc x reader #childe x reader #kaeya x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin impact headcanon #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #melwritesgenshin #melodywritings

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beels-burger-babe · 3 years

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A Little Voice Told Me - Pt. 3

Poly! MC Summary: Words hurt and leave their scars. MC learns this the hard way after hearing some not-so-nice whispers about them while on a date with Beel. How are they supposed to be the partner of the seven lords of the Devildom when they just don't measure up? Part 1: HERE, Part 2: HERE Previously on A Little Voice Told Me...

The brothers had thought of a number of ways you could've reacted to them confronting you. Lucifer thought that perhaps you would snap at them and distance yourself further. Mammon, Levi, and Asmo expected a few small tears followed by a cuddle session. Satan imagined a slightly more dramatic telling, like something from one of his novels, that ended him being your hero and massacring all those who dared speak ill about you. Beel thought perhaps you could talk over a bunch of comfort foods that allowed you to remain calm and feel safe. Belphie had hoped that perhaps you hadn't believed what you overheard, and the two of you could laugh at how idiotic even the idea of them not loving you was. But you, breaking down into tears, sobbing the words "I'm sorry" over and over again? None of them had expected, nor were prepared, for that. Any anger or tension that the boys previously had was instantly replaced with worry about your well-being.

Asmodeus was the first to reach you. He quickly pulled you against him and held you as tightly as he could. "Easy now, dear. It's okay," he glanced up to look at his brother anxiously standing around the two of you, itching to comfort you but unsure as to what they should do. You trembled in Asmo's arms and fisted his shirt in your hands, no doubt wrinkling the expensive fabric. "They were right, were-weren't they?" you pulled away just enough to look up at Asmo. The poor man nearly choked on the remorse that filled him at the sight of your tear-filled eyes pooling with sadness, despair, and, most disturbingly, acceptance. "Y-You guys are breaking up with me? You-You finally realized you could d-do better than a-a-a-" you tried to continue but became too overwhelmed with emotion as you began sobbing once more. Satan rushed forward and placed a hand on your shoulder. "MC, hold on. We're not breaking up with you." You hiccupped as the others began to crowd around you. "B-But Asmo said you guys wanted to talk and I-I thought that maybe th-those other demons were right and y-you guys didn't want me anymore." With those words alone, you had shattered the hearts of every person in that room. In seconds, you found yourself in the middle of a group hug.

No one said anything. They simply wrapped you up in their arms and supported you as wept. Although they had been seconds away from tearing into each other moments before, none of that mattered if you were hurt. You would forever be their first priority. "Beloved, we love you exactly the way you are," Lucifer whispered softly as one of his hands caressed your back. "Whatever those simpletons said, they're wrong. They don't know you; just like they don't know us." Belphie was running a hand through their hair, hoping that his influence would help calm you a little. "If we could, you know that we would tear apart every person who ever spoke badly against you," he could feel his anger towards the idiots that caused this build-up again inside him. Satan nudged Belphegor's side and gently shook his head. The youngest demon sighed and rested his head on top of yours. "Even we aren't strong enough to control city gossip. We can't change what they think, necessarily, but we can make sure that you know that it's not true." You trembled in their arms as your cries slowly dwindled down to the occasional sniffle. "Th-They said that you guys were only dating me o-out of pity and that I was nothing compared to you, a-and how I was jus-just a nuisance," you whimpered as you recalled the hurtful words. "A-And I know that's not true. It was so stupid because I know you g-guys love me. B-But it made me r-realize just how insignificant I am compared to a-all of you. I d-don't understand wh-why all of you would settle for a human who won't live nearly as long as you, and w-who can't even use magic." Mammon frowned deeply as he squeezed one of your shoulders. "Treasure, look at me," you shakily did as told. Mammon was staring down at you with a desperate, anxious expression. His eyes found yours and your breath hitched at the intensity of his gaze. "Those assholes don't know what they're talkin' about. You're not insignificant. Even here in the Devildom, surrounded by all these different beings, you are so much higher above them. You're the brightest jewel among us MC. You're the only person to have ever formed pacts with all seven of the Lords of the Devildom. You're the ambassador of the human world. You have brought this family closer together in just over a year than anyone has managed in the centuries that we've been alive." Your lip quivered as Levi rubbed your arm. "He's right. I'm the literal embodiment of envy. I can tell you right now that all those people are just saying those things because they're jealous. They're nothing but low-level slimes. But you? You're the big boss that could have them destroyed with a snap of your fingers." Beel looked down at you guiltily as he patted your back. "I shouldn't have left you alone like I did. Even more so, I should've paid closer attention to what was happening around us. I'm sorry you ever had to go through this MC." You released Asmodeus to hug Beelzebub as you snuggled close to him. "It's not your fault, Beel. They were really careful about it when you were around. You couldn't have known," the redhead didn't say anything, he just bent down to envelop you in his arms. The eight of you stood there in the dining room, nestled closely with one other, taking silent comfort in one another without a single care for the world around you. "I think perhaps we should move this to the living room," Asmodeus offered as the boys began to release you from their hug. "Beel can make some snacks, Levi can find us a good movie to watch, Belphie can go gather a bunch of blankets and pillows and the rest of us will stay with you to make sure you don't get too lonely," he cupped your face. "I think a nice lazy day in would be good for everyone. Does that sound good, Beautiful?" I chuckled tearfully and leaned into Asmo's touch. "That sounds perfect. You guys are so nice to me. I don't deserve-" You never got to finish your sentence as Asmodeus captured your lips with his own. With that one kiss, you could feel your worries and doubts melt away as you could feel every ounce of affection,

desire,

and love that Asmodeus felt for you pour into your very being. "That's where you're wrong, dear," he purred softly against your lips. "It is us who don't deserve you," he gave you a gentle kiss on the forehead before taking your hand into your own and leading you to the living room. He looked over his shoulder and smirked at his brothers. "Go gather the things. We'll just keep the couch warm while you're at it," you could hear the wink in his tone. "Oi! I want a kiss too!" "Y-Yeah, Asmo! You can't hog MC! That's not fair!" You giggled at Mammon and Levi's protest as you snuggled up to Asmodeus. You were so silly to think for even a second that these demons who follow you around like love-sick puppies would ever tire of you for a second. You were their everything, and they were yours, and nothing anyone said would ever change that.

***And scene! That was a wild ride, but I hope you all enjoyed it! Thank you for supporting me with this mini-series and thanks once again to @ang3lsblues for the request that inspired it all!***

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winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years

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Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!!

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist Masterlist

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Breathe in

Breathe out

Out

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over.

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit.

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad.

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak.

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse.

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable.

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved.

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through.

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise.

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself.

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you.

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks.

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them.

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen.

Your emotions came and went without your consent.

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!”

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again.

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night.

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words.

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid.

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?”

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.”

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.”

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

282 notes · View notes

mae-gi-writes · 3 years

Text

Calling... | Juyeon (tbz)

Juyeon tbz! x f! reader

Summary:

Long distance is hard, even for people like you and Juyeon.

Genre: angst, some fluff, LDR relationship

A/N: some self-indulgent angst because I’ve been feeling low these days and have nowhere/no one to vent it to.

-----

"We’re going to get through this, Y/N. I promise.”

That promise. You’re not sure whether that’s a curse or a blessing. Every single day becomes a torturous game between wanting to give up everything that you’ve built with the man of your dreams and pushing forward towards the happy ending you’ve always hoped for.

It was easier in the beginning. Maybe because you were both so new to the prospect of love, that you didn’t know what you were missing from each other. It only grew harder the more the years went by and though some people said that the pain gets easier, you’re not quite sure whether they’ve supposedly missed out the part where you keep falling deeper in love with him every day.

Maybe if you didn’t love him so much, it would hurt less. And god, you wished that would happen. You wished a miraculous cure would numb the swell in your chest every time you had a spare moment to think of what Juyeon was doing. You wished that it would stop the familiar burn of tears tearing your throat apart every time you forced yourself to keep down your choked cries for the sake of not crying. Because you were sick of that too.

This kind of pain is toxic and unsurmountable, to an extent that you start wondering whether life would be easier without Juyeon around.

"A few more months Y/N,” Juyeon says, face taking up your phone screen as you put the device onto your nightstand in favour of curling your knees up to your chest. You’re trying very hard not to cry, and hope that he can’t see the silent tears slipping past your lids, “it’ll go by quickly, I--”

“Yeah yeah, I know,” you mumble out, having already heard this mantra over a thousand times. It’s the same thing, after all. A few more months, a little bit more time, just a little-- you’re so fed up of all this waiting, of everyone telling you the exact same thing.

You’re so sick of it. You can’t even look at the camera anymore.

"Where...Where do you think we stand?” comes his question. A little hesitant, but without any stutter. And when you look back at his face, you notice the downward cast of his eyes, the saddening turn of his lower lip.

It’s hurting him just as much and you hate it. You hate how guilty you feel about dragging him into this when he’s only just a victim.

“What do you mean?” you ask softly.

Juyeon takes a soft breath, exhales, “like...do you think we have a hundred percent chance? Or...fifty percent? Or...”

He trails off, but you understand what he means, and shrug while scratching the back of your head, “definitely not a fifty,” you say, biting your lip, “and...there’s nothing that can make me say we’re less than a hundred, but...”

You’re not certain what to say there. It’s touchy, and you don’t want to hurt your boyfriend more than you are at this particular moment.

If you had been asked a question a year earlier, there is no doubt your answer would’ve straight up been a hundred percent. And you’d say it with confidence too, Juyeon knows that.

But it hurts so fucking much.

It hurts so much that it’s the only thing you can think about every day.

It makes you sad. It makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry because there is literally nothing else you can do to take your mind off it.

"Do you...are you--" his voice wobbles, then breaks off without courage of actually saying the words out loud, "I--"

You shake your head, lips trembling as you murmur, "I'm not--I`m not gonna do that, Juyeon."

You fear that saying the words out loud might make it come true. And you don't want to imagine what that would be like, even if you entertain the possibility at the back of your mind.

The silence overcrowds the distance between you and the phone. For a minute, you can't bear to meet Juyeon's eyes. Your fingers start picking your nails apart, a nervous habit you've manifested whenever you get anxious.

When Juyeon speaks next, his words are laced with pain and he doesn't even try holding back a sob, "please," he exhales shakily and even from your tiny screen, you can see the redness lining his eyes, "please don't break up with me."

Your heart aches at the sadness etched onto his features, "I'm not," you repeat it more firmly then, "I won't."

He doesn't answer. But then again, you've probably shocked him to the core.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," you say quietly.

"No, it's okay. I--" running a hand through his dark locks, you note his jaw clenching, "I didn't know you felt this way. I'm the one that should be sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"It is, though isn't it?" He chuckles emptily, "I guess I...I'm not doing enough."

"That's not it, Juyeon. It hurts a lot. This, everything. And I'm just tired. I'm tired of always crying. I'm just so fucking tired."

And then you burst into ugly sobs.

----

The weather has gotten warmer now that June is in full swing. Your final semester is over and that means a little bit of freedom before starting your job search. It is enjoyable and peaceful, walking across town with your friends, meeting up at odd hours of the day and finding new treasures that your town has to offer.

You are currently in the middle of parking your bike next to the harbourfront when your phone suddenly buzzes in your pant leg.

"Hey," you say as you pick up the receiver, "what's up?"

"Hey," there's a little bit of static before Juyeon'a voice comes through, "I'm good. What about you?"

"I'm at the harbourfront. Getting some air."

"That's nice," a pause, then, "how was it?"

"I think I might have enjoyed it more than I should've," you tell him as you walk up to the edge of the harbour. The water lolls peacefully against the edge and it calms you down, as the talk has earlier, "it helped. A lot."

He breathes out softly, "that's good to hear. How...how do you feel?"

"Surprisingly serene."

"Woah, fancy description."

You can't help but laugh at that, "thanks. I try."

A comfortable silence fills the air and you lean down, hand outstretched to catch some of the waves lapping up along the edge, "and you?" It's been a while since you've managed to speak to Juyeon properly. You miss him, "how have you been?"

"Oh you know," you hear him shuffle, "keeping myself busy. I started working at a skateboard shop. It's been...interesting."

"Do you even know how to skateboard?"

"I can stand straight on one. Does that count?"

You giggle, "no, you goon. You actually have to be able to skate on it."

You talk for a little while longer as you enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with a breathtaking view. Even more breathtaking as the sun slowly sets over the horizon and giving bloom to hues of orange and salmon pink bleeding into the clear blue sky.

It has been nice to talk to someone. As per Juyeon's request a few weeks earlier, you had decided to sign up for a free counselling session. You weren't a big fan of people poking around your thoughts and feelings, but the consultation had actually been really enjoyable. To unleash everything that you've been carrying in your heart is a weight that has suddenly lifted off your chest, and you feel shades lighter as you spend the reat of your evening roaming through town, getting your groceries, walking along the pavement back to your flat.

"I gotta go now," Juyeon says as you unlock your front door, "Changmin's been bugging my ass for thirty minutes."

"Well please tell him I have nothing to do with this."

"You had everything to do with this."

"Lying will get you nowhere."

"And I will tell him anyway," he singsongs, causing you to chuckle good-naturedly. That is, before the next words come to shake up your heart a little.

"I miss you."

You smile softly, sadness combing through your chest, "I do too, Juyeon."

"Stay safe, okay?"

"You too."

"Talk soon Y/N," his voice is filled with a gentleness that makes your heart sing, and you repeat back the said words, a mixture of melancholy and fondness blooming inside your chest.

Ending the call and setting down your groceries atop the kitchen counter, your eyes find the date circled in red.

Your lips curl into a smile.

----

"Flight A472 has arrived. Travelers, please make your way to the luggage section.“

The intercom buzzes with static to repeat the earlier statement and you feel your heart flutter in your chest as you slowly get up from your seat. You've been waiting at the nearby fast food joint until now, and it's no surprise that your butt feels numb and flat.

Stretching your limbs and picking uo your bag, you sling your navy coat over your shoulder and make your way towards the arrivals. The airport is deserted at this time of night and you're grateful, for it gives your heart more time to prepare for the man you haven't seen in over eight months.

Eight months. Eight months is a long time. It's almost the time it takes for a baby to be born. You flush at the thought, wondering whether Juyeon sees you in his future just as permanently as you see him.

"Who are you waiting for?" Your head swivels to see an older woman, in her late fifties, with a handbag slung over her shoulder and a burgundy scarf wrapped around her neck.

"Oh, uh--" heat travela up the back of your neck, "someone close. And you?"

"My daughter. I haven't seen her in over two years," the woman smiles fondly, "it's hard, isn't it? Not being able to see your close ones every day."

"Yeah," you mumble, "it sure is."

Your gaze is now fixated on the sliding doors now that people have started walking out. One by one, you watch as strangers hug their families, laughing and smiling. A couple is embracing in a nearby corner. And the old woman brightening up and waving at the sight of her daughter pulling up her luggage.

Your chest can't help but swell with emotion. What a beautiful thing to be admire the magic of a reunion. Tears rush to your eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by the amount of love radiating through your veins and bathinf your limbs in warmth.

"Y/N."

You freeze. Slowly, you turn around and see Juyeon.

Your Juyeon.

He stands there, backpack on his shoulders and hair ruffled. A luggage at his side and sporting a grin.

Your heart explodes.

Heat rushes through your face, mouth opening in a soft 'oh'.

"Juyeon," his name rolls off your lips.

You're breathless. Everything falls out of focus.

Juyeon. Juyeon is here.

Everything happens so fast. You blink and you're in his arms, his warmth engulfinf you, his scent making you light-headed, his lips permanently pressed against your temple as your hands unconsciously scrabble to hold on to his hoodie like he's a dream you don't want to let go.

It's magical. It feels like a goddamn miracle.

You can't help but burst into tears.

"Oh god," Juyeon's chuckle echoes through your ear. He tightens his grip ever so slightly and kisses your forehead, the corner of your eye while stroking your back.

You cling to him like he's your only lifeline, "I missed you," you sob into his shirt, "I missed you so much."

"It's okay," he cooes into your ear, one hand coming up to smooth over your head, "I'm here now, Y/N."

"I--" emotions rush through you like a dam broken down by the tides and suddenly you're babbling everything you've kept hidden in the grooves of your heart, "I'm so sorry for everything, I-- I was hurt and scared and lonely. I didn't think about how this distance affected you too and I'm sorry I made you go through all this when you did nothing wrong, I--"

Your words get muffled by his lips pressing onto yours to stop any other protests and you melt into him like coming home with open arms. His arms pin your middle to his chest, parting your mouth with his and taking your breath away with every suckle, every nibble. It makes you gasp, clutching his shoulders and returning his kisses with just as much vigor.

"You," he breathes against your parted mouth, "are everything I want," pulling back to press his forehead to yours, he continues, "so don't you dare think for one second, that you're in this alone. You're never alone, Y/N."

"I love you," you murmur, nose brushing his. He kisses you once more, heat lingering between you and claiming your affection for him, "I love you too."

You know that this isn't the end. A path of tears and pain and struggle still await you. The mountain is high and steep, a tough climb that makes youe legs tremble.

But you know now, looking into Juyeon's eyes and seeing the magic in there, the dripping affection that makea your fingers tingle, that this is it. There's nobody else, nothing else you want than Lee Juyeon.

Because if there's one thing for sure is that Juyeon's hand is the one you want to take, to make that climb happen.

"Wanna get out of here and tell me everything I've missed out about you?" Juyeon whispers upon finally detangling himself, though still holding on to your shoulder as he gently pulls you towards the exit.

"Only if you tell me everything I've missed about you," you reply.

He chuckles, before pressing another lingering kiss over your cheek, "deal."

219 notes · View notes

noritoshiikamo · 3 years

Text

reality vs fantasy

bonus part 3.5 of the noritoshi kamo story; im just spoiling u brats enjoy [passes holy water] thread lightly, sexual content ahead

tagging: @unabashednightmarepizza @sassyeahhhh @dok-ja @sukirichi [bold means i cant tag u idky :( lemme know if wanna be tagged in the next part] directory: read the first part | second part | third part | bonus

fantasy

“does that feel good?”

he asked as his lips traced her sharp jaws, spreading kisses as his hands steadied her hips. she took a sharp breath, nodding in pleasure as moans escaped her parted lips as she lowered herself down back on his hard dick. through his opened eyes, he watched pleasurably as her tight cunt swallowed his dick inch by inch so easily, like she was moulded to fit him and only him. her long hair covered half of her face, as she flipped it to the side, sweats dripping down her chest glistening her swollen breasts.

she looked so ethereal riding him.

her pace was slow, and his hands were roaming all over her body.

he whispered encouragements, how beautiful she looked sucking in his fingers hungrily, her perky titties and the way she hugged around his length made him feels so good made her roll her eyes back to her skull. feeding her kink so well. pulling her against him, her back resting on his chest, she let him take over the pace, loud moans fillers the room as the sound of her skin slapping against his with wet squelching sound echoed their bedroom.

“you’re so needy, my wife.”

she was beyond needy, she was desperate for release only he could give, “fuck me, please, just fuck my brain out.” grabbing her chin, he smiled pleasingly as he kissed her lips so passionately. his rough hand palmed her breast, nipple swollen and hard it made her legs bucked.

“you want me to fuck you?” he teased.

she nodded vigorously, trying to move her hips to meet his pace. his other hand moved lowered below her slightly bulging abdomen, finding her swollen clit immediately.

“please just fuck every inch of me,” she cried out, tongue lolling out, her eyes stared deep into his eyes, “i’ll be very good, i promise.” with every bat of her eyes, he couldn’t decide whether she looks adorably innocent or just a devil in disguise.

but when he had her pressed on all four, begging for all holes to be filled, he couldn’t deny his wife’s wishes.

reality

she panted. sweaty and sticky, she looked down on the pillow tucked between her thighs. her face flushed red as guilt washed over her. the effect of the orgasm had left her legs shaking and she cursed.

noritoshi had not returned to their house for almost three days.

she missed him dearly and she was losing her mind slowly. 3 days alone to heal from the mess from the attack at the stadium and to deal with the fact that she’s growing their child inside her reduced her to nothing but a mess. she fell on her side, pushing her sweaty hair up as she kicked the pillow soaked with her fluid to the floor. she fixed herself, not that it helped with anything; she lowered his shirt down her chest back. she has been wearing it for 3 days straight.

enveloped by everything that reminds her of him but not able to have him physically hurt her chest. he hadn’t call, text, or even send her a letter. she was alone.

whenever she missed him, she hid in their walk-in closet, nose buried in whatever that belong to him that her eyes caught first. when she has enough energy, she would brew the tea just as he likes it, sat at the balcony, and just not even drink it. she isn’t even a tea person; she prefers coffee but holding a cup of warm tea during the cold night makes it feel like he’s around.

she’s an addict but the drug is gone.

she felt tears prickling the corner of her eyes and before she knew it, she was sobbing on his side of the bed. she remained there, beating herself for being stubborn, blaming herself, blaming him even every single god that existed in the world for fucking her life up. she missed him; his smile, his voice, his touch, his kiss, she missed everything about him.

shoko explained that she was 7 weeks pregnant, and her baby is as big as a blueberry.

“i think the period you are describing last month might have been implantation bleeding, something normal that might be mistaken for period. you need to listen to me. your body is adjusting, you should stay home and rest. don’t stress yourself out.”

she felt wave of nausea bubbling in her belly triggering her gag reflex. kicking herself off the bed, she made it to their bathroom, throwing her head into the toilet and she quickly emptied her stomach out. they should rename morning sickness because the sickness haunted every single hour of her day. she spent more time in the bathroom, head in the toilet than the other part of her house. she stared through her teary eyes at the content of the bowl, clear disgust on her face when she realised it was nothing but the liquid she’d been having. she has been struggling with food, only able to tolerate porridge and juices and she was growing tired.

weak, her mind mocked.

she unlocked her phone and dialled gojo’s number. she waited for him to pick up, breaking into sob as she felt so exhausted, she couldn’t even move.

“gojo, i’m in the toilet, i just can’t get up anymore i feel horrible i want to eat but i can’t i want to get out of here please-”

“y/n?”

she startled.

there was a lot of cum.

noritoshi was glad that he chose to release his pent-up stress in the bathroom, feeling the water showered down all over his body. all cooped up in their room back at the kamo estate for almost three days, he didn’t expect to feel a sudden wave of horniness crashing over him when he accidentally turned over to her side.

it’s not like he wasn’t already thinking of her. she was literally all he could think about.

her scent overwhelmed him even when he tried to push the thought of her away; but she’s still his beautiful stubborn wife and his heart ached when he thought of her. he always has a good control of himself, he believed that sexual urges should just be solved by a traditional fucking but for tonight, it was just him and his left fist.

the way she smiles, the way her body moves, the way she ties his bangs or the way she always makes sure he wakes up with a cup of tea waiting by the bed; she missed every single thing she does. the way she teases him and the way she begs for more and more always reduced him down into a simpleton.

he wished nothing but to run back into her arms.

he quickly washed up, removing traces of him from the floor and exited the shower immediately. his phone suddenly blowed up. without thinking, he pressed the green button and what greeted him surprised him.

“-the toilet, i just can’t get up anymore i feel horrible i want to eat but i can’t i want to get out of here please-”

his breath hitched and he stood there. “y/n?” he called, and he could feel the slight tension in the air. she had realised her mistake.

“m’sorry, i-i want to call satoru. i didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“are you okay?”

he sat on the edge of the bed; phone pressed hard against his ear. talk to me, their hearts screamed. she let out a nervous laugh, trying to mask the sniffles, “i-i’m okay. i’m sorry for disturbing you. i thought you were gojo.”

gojo had been telling him how he has been taking care of her. told him that she was more than weak, could barely hold her food in without gagging.

“she’s miserable. she’s 7 weeks pregnant. we suspected that the reason her body didn’t fully succumbed to the poison that cursed spirit had infected her with was because of the the baby. the higher up thinks that it’s carrying the same inherited technique as you. the fact that it was able to protect its host; your wife is impressive.”

he rubbed his forehead, nervousness overwhelmed him, and he felt like a child about to ask his crush out.

“you’re not disturbing me. you don’t need to call gojo, i can come over,” holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder, he immediately slipped on his pants, “do you need anything? are you hurt?”

“i’m just stuck on the bathroom floor. i can’t get my ass back up and out of this bathroom.”

“you called gojo for this?”

her face reddened, “i get overwhelmed easily. i’m sorry,” she rambled, “you know what? forget i called. bye,” she ended the call immediately. she slummed her head back against the wall, groaning at the discomfort of her abdomen pressing on her bladder whenever she sat wrongly. she closed her eyes, covering it with her arm before soft snore escaped her lips. she’d pass out on the floor of her bathroom. it felt like hours until she heard soft pitter patter of feet on the cold cement, arms around her body lifting it up off the floor. she was too tired to open her eyes, soft noise coming out of her lips as the arms laid her on the soft bed. she sighed in relief; the cold bathroom floor was giving her back ache.

she opened her eyes and she let a nervous laugh. her shaky hand reached out to touch his cheek, it felt soft to touch, too realistic. no, he’s gone, he won’t come home, you’re not real, she reminded herself. “my hallucination is getting realistic nowadays” she stifled a yawn.

he smiled, his finger brushing her stray hair back, revealing her watery eyes, “you think of me often?”

“don’t you?”

she gasped when his warm hand cupped her cheek, another touched her neck as he straddled her. boldly, she tugged on his leather jacket, pushing it off his broad shoulders, confused when the jacket fell on the floor with a loud thud. this sounds too real. the feeling of his breath tickling her cold skin, his lips tracing kisses after another, she was drowsy.

“i’ll take care of you,” he whispered, “i promise, i’m here.”

“nori,” she called out eagerly.

“yes, my wife?”

the hair on her body stood, shivers caused her back and toes to curl in pleasure. she couldn’t differentiate if it’s just fantasy or reality; not with his hands roaming all over her bare skin.

#okay imma stop this for now maybe gonna work on other character pls im just spamming nori content rn dnnsjsjkhfjfjcdks #noritoshi kamo #kamo noritoshi #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen drabbles #jjk drabbles #noritoshi smut #noritoshi drabbles #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk x y/n #jujutsu kaisen x y/n #jujutsu kaisen x reader #noritoshi kamo x reader #noritoshi x reader #writing: fics

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amyscascadingtabs · 3 years

Text

give you my wild, give you a child

"stupid numbers, think they’re so great. i'd love to see numbers give you a baby."

inspired by that one line in 8x08 renewal, because he really did give her a baby.

read on ao3

It's been three days and Amy can't stop crying.

Sometimes she thinks it's stopped, that she'll finally have a stable moment to talk to her husband or eat a meal in peace or facetime some of the twenty or so relatives on her list, but it feels like it’s never more than minutes before her emotions swim to surface again and something new brings out the vibrating sobs that have seemed to characterize this day. As it turns out, even newly pregnant Amy has got nothing on three days postpartum Amy.

That she cries about the big, life-changing things doesn’t surprise her. When she wakes up after a night of minimal sleep and sees Mac in the bedside crib next to her, she cries because she’s so grateful; that everything went well, that their baby is finally here and that he's perfect beyond words. Then she cries because she thinks about what could have happened if it hadn't gone well, because she gave birth in a makeshift birthing suite in a police precinct, and so many things could have gone wrong it’s a miracle nothing did. When she gets out of the shower, she cries seeing herself in the bathroom mirror, because she's proud of her body in a way she's never experienced before. Then she cries because she also barely recognizes the person staring back at her, still looking six months pregnant except with hospital underwear and nursing pads in her bra. When she has breakfast after feeding Mac and tries to read the newspaper, she cries because so many terrible things are happening in the world all the time, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to protect this child from a world that sometimes seems to be getting more and more cruel by the day. Then she cries out of guilt for feeling that way, because she’s supposed to be enjoying this baby bubble, and what kind of mother even is she for daring to think about anything but her baby right now?

As the day goes on, however, her reasons for crying begin to feel increasingly ridiculous. She cries because she’s so relieved to be drinking regular coffee again, then because it doesn’t taste the same as decaf and she’s gotten so used to it that the caffeine tastes weird now. She cries because the coffee goes cold anyway when Mac begins to whimper and suck on his fingers in the way he seems to do whenever he’s hungry and she has to drop everything to feed him another time. She cries when Jake turns on the television and a commercial for diapers comes on, because she can’t believe they get to buy them now. Then she cries when Mac has finished eating because the red flannel she borrowed slash stole from Jake won’t button properly, and she realizes one of the buttons has gone in the wrong hole and she has to redo the whole thing. When Jake offers to help her with it, that makes her cry too, because the way he’s not laughing at her right now but patiently trying to solve her problems is making her feel so loved she doesn't know how to thank him.

The thing that makes her cry most of all, though, is watching Jake and Mac together. She always knew that sight would drive her crazy, and it’s part of the reason she wanted to have kids with him so much in the first place, but not even in her most indulgent fantasies about their future could she have pictured this. As grateful as she is over the fact that she gets to be a mom, getting to see Jake be a dad is a close second. He loves their son so much, and Mac so clearly loves him too, and Amy has to remind herself of the nine months she's spent carrying this child by herself in order not to feel jealous when Mac stops fussing the moment Jake picks him up. He looks so tiny when Jake holds him, the back of his head fitting perfectly in Jake's palm, and the care with which he’s handling him keeps making her emotional. He's always talking to him, sometimes whispers she can't hear and sometimes praise for her which she can, and that makes her cry too. He even chats to him when he changes his diapers, which Amy hides behind the door frame just so she can hear, failing to stifle a giggle when he asks in a fake interrogation voice what Mac has to say to his defense for making such a mess. He wakes up with her in the middle of the night when she has to breastfeed to get her endless glasses of water and granola bars when it makes her feel starving, and then he lets Mac burp him in the face and spit up on the back of his shirt before he falls back asleep curled up on his chest. He leans his chin on the top of Mac’s head to smell that perfect baby scent, running his finger over those cute neck rolls, and the smile on his face when he looks back at Amy makes her completely lose it, because this is what she dreamed of all along.

This is what she imagined when they visited her brother Christian’s new baby shortly before they got married and Jake spent the better part of an hour making funny faces to the child in his arms. This is what she panicked over when he said he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, because she had always thought. This is what she thought of those nights after another timed round of unenthusiastic sex, trying to keep the hope alight until that single line would once more tell them not this time. She had felt it in his teary smile when she showed him that first positive test, in how hard he'd squeezed her hand at their first ultrasound when their baby’s heartbeat had filled the room, in the absolute joy on his face the first time he’d managed to put his hand on her stomach just in time to feel their son kick, and now it's right in front of her and almost too much for her heart to take.

She's so tired, and she's sore and overwhelmed and worried about a billion different things, but she's never felt so grateful.

That's what makes her cry floods at three a.m. when Mac seems to have finished eating and she comes back from the bathroom to find Jake still sitting up with him in bed, holding him with a hypnotised look on his face. He doesn’t even seem tired, even though he must be, is just looking at his son like he’s holding the entire world in his arms and doesn’t ever want to let go. She always knew seeing him with a baby would be incredible, those surprisingly toned biceps curling around a fragile little human and those heart eyes focused on one thing only, but maybe she hadn’t expected not being able to watch it without breaking into tears.

“Jeez, Ames,” he says when he looks up, the expression on his face changing to one of concern. “Are you okay? Honestly?”

“Yeah,” she sniffles and dries her eyes again as she sits down on the bed. The skin on her cheeks is stinging at this point. “I just can’t believe this is my life.”

“Why not?” Mac’s pacifier glides out of his mouth, and Jake puts it back with two fingers before he can notice anything. “We’re right here, babe. We’re very much real.”

“Sometimes I thought it was never going to happen.” She hiccups. “All the times we’ve been apart. The months we fought to have him. How freaking long and exhausting being pregnant was. And now I have him, and you, and I’m just so grateful I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“That’s why you’re crying?”

“I think I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore. I’m so sleep-deprived.”

“Yeah.” Jake smirks. “But I get it. I’m really, really grateful too.”

Mac makes a short gurgling sound that Amy takes to mean he agrees. She reaches out so his hand can wrap around her ring finger, feeling him squeezing it tight in the cutest grip. The grey striped pajamas has little mittens on it to keep him from scratching herself, but Mac gets upset whenever they pull them down, so Amy figures they'll just have to keep filing his nails instead. Their son is already both opinionated and stubborn, and she loves it about him, because she loves everything about who he is. He's perfect, and he's hers, and she still can't quite believe it even though he's right there in Jake's arms. It's all her dreams coming true, and it's making all the hard things feel so worth it.

“Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for giving me a baby,” she whispers. She’s too tired, barely even knows what she's saying anymore, but looking at the two of them, all she can think about is how incredibly lucky and thankful she feels.

Jake blinks in disbelief, grinning at her. “Wait, I gotta make sure I heard this right. Did you just thank me for giving you a baby?”

“Uh-huh?”

“And you're serious about this?”

“Well… yeah.”

“So you mean after nine months,” he says, still wide-eyed, “of you telling me, minimum a couple times a week but pretty much daily toward the end, that I could never understand what you're going through, and then you shouting some lovely descriptions at me whilst you were literally pushing him out, and also earlier this evening when you cried because I can't breastfeed him for you – you’re thanking me?”

“Some of it was a team effort,” she insists. “You helped.”

“Oh yeah, my nards sure are loving the credit.”

“Don't be gross.”

“Sorry.” He smiles, a little bashfully, stroking his fingers back and forth over Mac’s forehead instead of looking at her. “But Ames, c’mon. It was a pretty limited effort compared to what you did.”

“Maybe they’re not the same thing.” She leans her head on his shoulder. Mac is still holding on to her finger, but his grip is getting looser now. “But you were part of it too, babe.”

“Really?” He’s blushing. “What did I do that was so special?”

“Let's see. You didn’t laugh at me when I kept crying at everything the first weeks. Rosa made fun of me on a daily basis, but you just hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. You let me sleep in when I had days off, even though I pretended I wanted you to wake me up. You fixed food for me without telling me what it was, and put it in front of me before I could feel sick thinking about it.” She shakes her head at the memory of those, few but complicated, weeks, and how hard they’d had to work around it. “You kept telling me I looked great even when my body kept changing and it all felt weird, and helped me pick out maternity wear when I didn’t want to do it on my own. I don’t know that I would have taken barely any bump pictures if you hadn't made me. You listened to all my research about the best strollers and pacifiers and cribs, and you did those courses and read all those books with me, and you came to almost every scan and held my hand so tight every time. You came home with onesies and hats because you thought they were too cute not to buy, and you gave me massages whenever I wanted them, and you even slept on the couch a couple nights at the end when I got angry at you for snoring. You barely even complained about it.”

“I complained a little,” Jake mumbles. “When you couldn’t hear me.”

“Fine. And lastly, you rode a horse through the city to get to me while I was in labor, and you didn’t even act like seeing him be born was gross.”

“I mean, it was a little bit gross.” Jake lifts Mac so he can kiss his forehead when he whimpers. “No offense, bud. I mean you looked perfect, I didn’t think you looked like a slimy alien even for a second, didn’t cross my mind, et cetera.”

“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes. “Point is, babe, you were there. You're here now. I know I did the actual work, but you were the one who made sure I could. I don’t know how I would have made it through without you. So… thank you.”

He doesn't give her any witty comebacks for that, only a shy smile.

“I love you,” Amy all but whispers through the tears that fight their way through her determination to keep them in. “Both of you. So much.”

“Love you, Ames.”

She kisses him, putting her hands on each side of his thighs so she can reach over Mac. Kissing is a lot more complicated than usual when both his hands are busy and none of them wants to risk crushing their son, but it's still nice, feeling his soft lips on hers and squeezing his lower lip between both of hers for just a moment before pulling apart.

“It's hard to kiss you while you're holding a baby,” she says, and Jake grimaces. “That might be the only bad thing about it.”

“My bad. I’m just going to put him down so we can make out all night.”

“Don't you dare. He currently doesn't have a boob in his mouth and he's still not crying, you're not doing anything to risk that now.” Amy pulls the comforter up to her chin. “Wake me up when he needs to eat again and not a second earlier.”

Jake chuckles at her as she turns out the light and snuggles up close to him, but he makes no move to put Mac down or even protest, and she didn't think it was possible to love him even more. Her heart has definitely grown with becoming a mom, much like everyone told her about, but most seem to have forgotten to prepare her for how much it would also grow when it came to her partner.

“I still think I’m the one who should say thank you,” Jake whispers just as she closes her eyes, and Amy can't help but smile. “If we're talking about who gave who a baby.”

“Jake, just accept the praise.”

“Oh, yeah.” She doesn't need to see his face to know that he's grinning. “I’ve locked it in a little box in my brain and I’m gonna keep it as gloat material forever, bringing it up when you least expect it.”

“That's great, babe.”

“Mm-hmm. We both know the truth, though.” Jake's left hand strokes over the top of her head, and Amy has to look up to see that Mac is still resting safely on his right arm and doesn't seem to have noticed a thing. Another tear fight its way down her cheek at the thought of how safe he must feel with him. This time, she doesn’t even bother to wipe it away.

#my writing #b99 #brooklyn nine-nine #peraltiago #jake x amy #b99 fic #b99 fanfiction #no eps this week but i finally finished this haha!#pls enjoy <3 #also thank u niamh and ajit for helps with all the reasons amy would be crying!!!#oh also the three people who voted on the title thank you

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ppangjae · 4 years

Text

THE STORY UNTOLD | Jaehyun

SEVEN LETTERS | THE STORY UNTOLD

SUMMARY. Jaehyun finds himself catching feelings for you, his best friend. But the problem is that he’s in a relationship with someone else. In hopes of receiving a sign, the last sign he expects to receive is a letter. A letter from his future self.

GENRE. soulmate!au | childhood friends to lovers!au | fluff | angst

WORD COUNT. 6.6k+ words

author’s note. BEFORE you read this, i strongly suggest you read Seven Letters. this is a sequel to that fic. if you haven’t read Seven Letters, you’re probably going to get really confused when you read this sequel. also, i just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who read Seven Letters. the amount of feedback i got is just so overwhelming and i never expected things to turn out like this omg. happy reading!

—Future

This is impossible.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

Johnny frowns. “Like that.”

Jaehyun lets out a scoff. Johnny lets out a soft snort, shaking his head at his best friend who’s sitting across from his desk. Johnny adjusts his glasses before clasping his hands on the table. “Do you not believe me or something?”

“This feels stupid. No, this is stupid.” Jaehyun mutters, gesturing at the blank piece of paper on the desk. “You want me to write a letter to my past self? About what?”

“You do know that I charge my patients an extra fifty bucks for every half hour past their scheduled appointment time.” Johnny reminds me. “If I were you, save your fifty bucks and start writing your letter.”

“Stop lying, you don’t do that.” Jaehyun scoffs again. “What is a stupid letter to my past self gonna do? Change my future?”

Johnny points at him. “Bingo.”

“And you expect me to believe you?”

“Why don’t you just try it? Besides, if it doesn’t change your future, at least you did yourself some self-counselling. Closure. Don’t you want closure?” Johnny folds his arms. He has a point. “As your best friend, I care about you. But I’m tired of having you come here for counselling sessions.”

“You’re not helping—”

“Just give a try! God, you make me want to pull my hair off my scalp and I’m already losing hair from all the stress you’ve been giving me since your divorce.”

—Present

“Jaehyun, you have mail!”

His mother is waving an envelope in the air just as he steps out on the front porch. He squints his eyes at the envelope with suspicion. “Who sends letters these days? We live in a world where technology is evolving—”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just take your mail, Jaehyun.” His mother disregards his ramble by placing the envelope into his hands. “Your father wants us to make a trip to the grocery store. Do you want us to get you something?”

“I’m good,” he replies. He’s too busy staring at the familiar handwriting on the envelope. The strong familiarity bothers him.

As his parents are hopping into the car and pulling out of the parkway, Jaehyun’s heading back inside of the house. He’s gently closing the door shut before making a beeline for the kitchen. He pulls out the kitchen scissors and cuts the envelope open.

“Why is this letter so thick?” He thinks aloud, pulling out a 10-page letter. “If this letter isn’t life changing and if I waste my time reading a thick ass letter, I might just combust—”

He stops mid-sentence when he finally realizes it. It’s his handwriting. He’s confused. Why would he send himself a letter? In fact, why would he send himself a 10-page letter when he can literally just type it all out in an email instead? He tilts his head in confusion. He decides to start reading it.

To Jaehyun,

Don’t be alarmed. You recognize the handwriting, right? It’s because it is your handwriting.

I am you from the future.

You’re probably wondering how and why you’re getting this letter. Trust me, I’m not even sure if you’ll get this letter. But if you do, then damn, what the flipping fuck?

Read this letter carefully because it will be a lot to take in.

He lets out a laugh. Is he going crazy? Him from the future? Sending him a handwritten letter? For what? What kind of sick joke is this and who is pulling it? Who is the culprit? Oh right, it’s him from the future.

I made the biggest mistake and I need you to fix it.

Do you remember Y/N, your childhood best friend? Y/N is your soulmate. You are destined to be with her. As I write this letter to you, I have lost almost all forms of communication with Y/N.

I made the biggest mistake of falling in love with someone else. I fell in love with someone who I am not destined to be with. I married this person and have been married to her for three years. We had just filed for a divorce a month ago.

His eyebrows knit together in confusion. His future self must have fucked up that bad that he resorted into writing a letter to his past self. But why?

I don’t want you to experience what I went through, past Jaehyun. I don’t want you to lose Y/N. I’m sure you don’t want to lose Y/N either. Y/N is everything you could ever want.

He’s almost done reading the first page of the letter before carelessly shoving the letter back into its envelope. He’s rushing out the door with his car keys. He’s literally running out the door in nothing but a pair of sweats, a hoodie, and his infamous pink house slippers. There’s only one thing on his mind right now.

Here are three things I need you to remember:

The moment you realize you’re in love with Y/N, you must tell her before it’s too late.

Y/N will be moving out when you get this letter. Y/N will be moving into another city and won’t tell you.

Y/N’s going to board the train at 4pm. You must get to her before then if you plan on confessing to her.

It’s funny how all it takes is one sketchy letter from what claims to be his future self to make him realize the truth; he’s in love with you.

Those feelings you have for Y/N? Yes, they are true and sincere. Y/N has been in love with you for the longest time. It was my biggest mistake of thinking it was a joke and letting her become the one that got away.

—Future

Jaehyun puts his pen down onto the table and picks up his cup of coffee. He can already imagine his past self cussing him out for making the letter too long. But he made sure that he stated the most important points on the first page of the letter.

There are many things that he regrets doing. He hopes that his past self will make things right.

“Where are you, Y/N?” He thinks out loud as he looks out the window.

It’s the first snowfall of the winter season. There are couples scattered down the sidewalks, enjoying and taking advantage of this romantic day. He can’t help but remember the first snowfall that changed the way he saw you. He remembers it like it was just yesterday.

He picks up his pen and continues to write his letter.

If you get to Y/N on time, tell her that you love her. I wish I told her.

I regret not telling her.

You’re probably wondering why the fuck is this letter so long? But trust the process. I’ll tell you all of the things I regret doing in this letter because it’s the only way to give myself closure.

I caught feelings for Y/N on the night of Christmas Eve. In fact, I was probably already in love with her before that. But on the night of Christmas Eve, that’s when I realized that I was in love with her and that she wasn’t just a best friend.

He sucks in a deep breath and places the pen back down onto the table. He shuts his eyes and remembers that night.

“Y/N!”

You’re standing right in front of him, snowflakes slowly falling from the sky and landing on the top of your head. He feels warm with his thick scarf wrapped around his neck, but your presence makes him feel much more warmer; like home.

“Jaehyun!”

You finally spot him when you hear his voice. He feels overjoyed. He feels like he’s floating among the stars that scatter across the sky. This is the first time he’s felt this way in weeks. Heck, probably months.

He stops to look up at the sky. “It’s snowing!”

“The first snowfall of the season.” You add, letting out a soft giggle. “Long time no see, dork.”

He remembers looking at you in awe. Your hair had grown longer and you had matured. The snowflakes that fall from the sky make you stand out more. You’re smiling at him so wide that your eyes form into beautiful crescents. He remembers feeling his heart stop. He remembers wondering why he always felt this way whenever he was with you.

“Do you know what the first snowfall of the season means?”

“First snowfall means first love. It also means that the person you’re with on the first snowfall of the season will be the love of your life.”

“Do you believe in it?” You let out a lighthearted chuckle. “If you do, then that means I’m the love of your life.”

“Why? Are you in love with me or something?” He chuckles as he makes the joke.

He swore he saw your smile falter. He swore he saw you look taken aback. He swore he saw you look serious for a split second before mustering up a fake smile and saying—

“Me? In love with you? No, you’re my best friend!”

“You’re joking. Stop joking around, Y/N. Are you in love with me?” He asks for reassurance.

You shake your head. He swore he felt his heart shatter. He swore he felt disappointed. He swore he felt heartbroken hearing you tell him that you weren’t in love with him.

Because he’s in love with you.

He’s caught feelings for you.

“I see you as my best friend, Jaehyun. Nothing more and nothing less.”

But who would’ve thought that it would be a lie?

—Present

He hopes he’s not too late. He hopes he’s not too late. He hopes he’s not too late—

If you get to Y/N on time, tell her that you love her. I wish I told her.

I regret not telling her.

Don’t be a hopeless fool like me.

You’ll regret it. Ever since I married someone else, all I’ve ever done was reminisce and regret.

I hope you get to her on time. You must get to her on time. Or else you’ll be a little too late… again.

She’ll be waiting. In fact, all she’s done was wait for the perfect time and moment.

“Y/N!”

He spots you sitting on the waiting bench. You’re holding what seems like a letter. You’re shoving the letter into your pocket. He starts jogging up to you after running across the entire parking lot. He even bought himself a train ticket just to get inside the station to find you.

And he’s glad he did.

“Jaehyun?”

He’s rushing over to you. He watches you stand up to greet him until he crashes you into a tight embrace. He shifts all of his weight on you as you stand there, completely caught off guard. “Jaehyun, what are you doing here?”

He pulls away from the hug. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? What are you doing here?”

You look up at him with a confused look. “I—I got hired at a company out of town. I moved out. I’m moving into an apartment in another city—”

The letter from his future self was right. You’re moving out of town for your job. You’re moving out and you didn’t tell him. The letter was right. What kind of magic is this?

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He frowns.

“I figured it would be best not to tell you because I knew that you would hold me back. And if you held me back, I don’t think I’d ever move out.”

“But you should’ve told me. I came over to take you out for lunch only to find out that you’re moving out of town and into a new city. Do you know how sad I felt?”

“I’m sorry—”

“And then I started wondering why you didn’t tell me about this. I started to wonder if I did something wrong. I couldn’t think straight. I drove all the way here in hopes that I don’t miss you and that I catch you right before you ride.” He finds himself rambling. “If I didn’t catch you on time, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Jaehyun—”

Before you go to the train station, I want you to break up with Yeona— “I broke up with Yeona.”

Y/N will probably get mad at you for it. “What?! Why would you do that?!”

He looks at you for a brief moment. You are mad. A laugh of disbelief threatens to escape his lips.

“Why did you break up with her? She’s in love with you, Jaehyun! You’re supposed to propose to her—”

Tell her that you’re in love with her. Because you are. I was a stupid fool for not believing that my feelings for her were true and real. Don’t be like me.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m in love with you.” He lets out a nervous laugh as he repeats it for you.

When you tell her that you’re in love with her, it’ll be the most simplest thing to do. When it comes out of your mouth, it will sound right. It will sound like you’re meant to tell her that you’re in love with her, because you are.

“You’re in love with me?”

His future self is right. He’s completely surprised at how perfect and easy it felt to tell you his feelings for you. It was like he was destined to tell you. Loving you sure is easy.

“I’m in love with you, stupid.”

You blink up at him. “Jaehyun, you’re not making any sense right now. It was just weeks ago when you asked me if I should ask Yeona to marry you. It was just weeks ago when you told me that you missed her a lot. It was just weeks ago when you thought my confession was a joke—”

I want you to tell her that you’ve been in love with her since the night of Christmas Eve.

“On Christmas Eve, I picked you up. Yeona and I were going through a rough time in our relationship and I was starting to question if we were meant to be together. I asked and begged for a sign.”

“A sign?”

“The first snowfall. You and I were together on the night of Christmas Eve, where we both witnessed the first snowfall. You asked me if I knew what it meant,” he explains. “I thought ‘Is this the sign I’ve been looking for?’ and then I joked around asking if you were in love with me, not expecting you to say yes. And you did. I couldn’t believe it.”

“Jaehyun—”

“And that summer where you didn’t come up to the cottage. I felt lonely even though I was with Yeona. Things just didn’t feel the same.” He lets out a shaky laugh. “Everything started to remind me of you. I just knew Yeona was annoyed about it. I kept talking about how this and that reminded me of you. It was all starting to make sense.”

“But you still had thoughts about asking her to marry you.” You say and he shakes his head.

If she tries to test you by saying that you were contemplating on proposing to Yeona, I want you to say this— “I asked you for your opinion on it because I couldn’t trust my own decision. I wanted to see if you would say no. A part of me was begging you to say no.” He tells you the truth. He really was hoping you to say no. “But you told me that you love me and that your confession wasn’t a joke. That’s when I knew.”

“So,” you mumble. “You’re in love with me?”

“I confessed my feelings for you three times already.”

“But I want to hear it again—”

“The train is arriving in two minutes. The train is arriving in two minutes.” The speaker announces. The two of you look at each other.”

“I’m in love with you, Y/N.” He confesses again. He can say it as many times as he wants, and it will still feel true and it will still be sincere. “But do you really have to leave me here?”

“I’m in love with you too, Jaehyun.” No matter how many times you’ve already told him that, it always feels like it’s his first time hearing it. He can hear it over and over again and he will still feel like the only man in the entire universe. “And yes, I have to go, Jaehyun. I can’t keep taking the train everyday to work.”

“Can I move in with you, then?”

“Not until you give me a kiss first—”

“How about I marry you instead?”

If you both end up together, which I know you will,

I will finally get the closure that I needed.

—Future

He looks up from his phone to stare up at a building. He looks back down at his phone to make sure that he’s at the right address. As he confirms the address, he shoves his phone back into his pocket.

“Y/N?”

He spots a familiar figure exiting the building of the company that you work at. The figure is walking away and down the sidewalk. He finds himself following the familiar person, trying to catch up to them. Once he finally does, he taps on their shoulder. They turn around and it’s not you.

“Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.” He apologizes.

“Oh!” The woman exclaims. “You’re Jeong Jaehyun, right?”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “You know who I am?”

She nods her head. “You’re Y/N’s best friend, right?”

That’s odd. How does she know who he is— “Yes. Do you know her?”

She smiles. “I’m sure you’ve known of me. We were roommates in college. Do you happen to remember that infamous cookie recipe—”

“Holy shit.” That’s all he utters out. “Those cookies are fucking delicious but—how—you guys work together?”

“I see her on the daily and we’re kind of tired of seeing each other. Honestly, we both thought we’d never see each other again after university. But here we are,” she chuckles, extending her hand out. “I’m Sunghwa, by the way.”

He shakes her hand. “Nice meeting you.”

She tilts her head. “Are you looking for her?”

He slowly nods his head. “Well, actually, we left on really bad terms—”

“I know. I kind of hate you for that.” She cuts him off while shrugging her shoulders. “But what can we do, right? Unless you have the power to change the past, there’s not much we can do. But I do believe in fixing things for the future.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Save that for Y/N.” She smiles. “Y/N took two days off from work. She’s probably in her apartment getting some rest. The company had just finished its merge with another company and ever since then, she hasn’t gotten any rest.”

“Do you know where she lives?” He asks.

“I do. I’ll give you her address,” she replies. “But promise me one thing.”

“I’ll do anything—”

“Don’t tell her that I gave you her address. She’ll kill me.”

“You’re already wilting? I just got you yesterday!”

You stare at the vase of roses sitting on your dining table. There are a couple of petals that have fallen off and a few of them have wilted. You frown, taking a few of them, along with the petals, to dry them and add them to your letters.

Sitting on one end of your dining table is your last letter to your past self. You glance at it. Your phone buzzes in your pocket, diverting your thoughts from the letter. “Hello?”

“How are you, honey?” You hear your mother’s soothing voice on the other line. “Have you run out of groceries? Is your fridge full? I hope it is. If anything, your father and I can drop by the grocery store before visiting you on Friday—”

“You don’t need to, mother.” You chuckle. “I just came home from the grocery store. Hey, do you know how to stop flowers from wilting so fast?”

You can hear her frown. “Have the roses wilted already?”

“Yeah, and I just got them yesterday.” You sigh. “It’s okay. I’ll just make another stop by the flower shop to get a new bouquet.”

“Have you been eating your meals?”

You smile. “Yes, mother. In fact, I’m going to be meeting someone tonight.”

“Is it a boy?”

You snort. “No.”

“Do I know them?”

“I’m meeting Yeona tonight.” You say softly. “We’re going to have dinner at a restaurant that opened up down the road. I’m not sure how it’ll go but—”

“Are you sure you want to go? You don’t have to meet her if you don’t want to.” She cuts you off.

You purse your lips into a tight line. “I asked her if we could meet. I’m surprised she said yes, to be honest.”

“You know, when your father and I heard the news about their divorce, we weren’t sure how to react.” Your mother begins. “But Jaehyun’s parents didn’t seem to mind. In fact, when we paid them a visit, they seemed more… relieved?”

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. “Relieved?”

“It was like a weight was lifted off their shoulders.” Your mother explains. “Ever since they got married, there was never a peaceful day between the two.”

You frown. “Ah, I see.”

She notices your sudden quietness. “Are you perhaps… still in love with Jaehyun?”

You let out a lighthearted chuckle. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”

“You know, you should try to get in touch with Jaehyun, sweetheart. You’re his only best friend. I’m sure whatever tension you have between the two of you would go away the moment you see each other.”

You sigh. “It’s easy to say but hard to do, mother.”

“I know, I understand.” She says softly. “Have you sent out your letters?”

You laugh, looking at your last letter sitting on your dining table.

“I’m actually sending out my last one on my way out.”

—Present

He runs his fingers through your hair as you’re sleeping peacefully next to him. You had a rough day at work and the moment you came home, you knocked out on the bed. Jaehyun took this opportunity to finish reading the letter he received from his future self.

I’m sure you’re wondering what happened between Y/N and I. Now, sit tight because this will be a long one.

On July 31st, I asked Y/N to go to the beach. I asked her because I knew that Yeona would be going to the beach that day. I figured it was a great opportunity to try and make Yeona jealous, and maybe get to know her more. And we did.

But something felt off.

I remember Y/N asking me if we could go to the town fair instead. The town fair was only open for a week. But I was persistent on going to the beach instead. I wish we went to the town fair instead.

Ever since I lost contact with Y/N and ever since she moved out of town, she stopped going up to the cottage for the summer. Those summers have been lonely. Whenever I go up to the cottage for the summer, the town fair would immediately remind me of her and how much I regret not taking her to the fair instead.

Jaehyun’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He looks at his phone to check the new text notification, only to take notice of his phone’s lock screen. It’s a picture he took of you when the both of you rode the Ferris Wheel.

“Y/N—”

“Yeah?” He takes a quick candid photo of you.

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

“Yes, I did. I think it’ll be a good picture to use for your Tinder or something. I’ll send it to you.”

“Why, you little—”

“Sent it!”

He looks up from his phone to see you looking down at yours. You’re busy muttering underneath your breath over how he took the worst angle of your face. A smile threatens to form across his lips. He sets it as his lock screen.

On August 14th, Yeona and her parents came over for dinner. I was so in love with Yeona that I decided to tell her the truth. I told her that Y/N and I weren’t dating and it was all just an act. At the time, I was so happy to see the look of relief of Yeona’s face. That night, she confessed to me. She told me that she was in love with me and that she’s glad that Y/N and I weren’t dating.

But believe me when I say this, her confession didn’t feel special. I remember feeling shocked. I remember wondering, is this how I’m supposed to feel when someone reciprocates your feelings? I remember asking myself, shouldn’t I feel happy right now?

But my thoughts were interrupted when Yeona pulled me in for a kiss. I was surprised. I was caught off guard. Y/N suddenly walked out on the porch and saw us kissing.

That night, I officially asked Yeona out. But on that same night, I remember walking past Y/N’s room to hear her crying.

I felt horrible. I felt bad.

On Christmas Eve, Y/N’s arrival time was delayed by an hour. I remember being so excited to see her after months of talking to each other through a laptop screen. I remember being so excited that the moment her father announced that Y/N would be arriving late, I insisted on picking her up instead.

I’m glad I did.

Around that time, Yeona and I were going through a tough time in our relationship. It seemed like she was falling out of love with me. She was posting more photos of her and her guy friend on her account. Our video calls were becoming less frequent. Our good morning and good night texts were becoming less frequent. I really thought that this was it, this was the end of it all.

I was slowly catching feelings for Y/N. I think her absence really got to me. When Yeona and I passed on our usual video calls, I’d call Y/N instead and we’d talk for hours on end. She would even have a midterm the following day but still made the effort to talk to me. I was finding myself texting my usual good morning and good night texts to Y/N instead of Yeona. But now that I think about it, I think I’ve always been in love with Y/N.

I was just too stupid to realize it.

I asked and begged for a sign. I was too blinded by love and I wanted a sign to tell me that being with Yeona was right. That fighting for our relationship was the right thing to do. That trying to mend our already broken relationship was the right thing to do.

When I picked Y/N up at the train station, it was the first snowfall of the season. We made a couple of jokes about the first snowfall that somehow led to me asking her if she was in love with me. She said she wasn’t in love with me. She continued to joke around.

I wondered, is this the sign I was looking for? I remember thinking, if this was the sign, then it’s pretty disappointing.

Because a part of me was hoping Y/N would say that she was in love with me.

—Future

“You came?”

Yeona came earlier than you. She’s sitting at the booth, greeting you as you take the seat right across from her. This feels awkward, you think to yourself as you take off your coat. Right on time, a waitress comes by your table to give you two glasses of wine.

“I hope I’m not late.” You say with a lighthearted chuckle.

She smiles. “I’m just a bit too early.”

“How are you?” You ask.

She takes a sip of her wine. “I’ve been doing better. How have you been?”

You smile. “Likewise.”

As the both of you are picking dishes to eat from the menu, you can feel her look at you every now and then. You’re not sure why she’s staring at you, but you pay no attention to it. As the waitress collects the menus and your orders, she leaves the two of you to talk.

“When you called me to ask if we could meet, I was quite surprised.” She chuckles. “I figured that I’d be the last person you’d want to see.”

You bite your lip. “To be honest with you, I’m surprised you came. I was sort of expecting you to bail out on me.”

The both of you share a chuckle. She looks out the window. It’s snowing. “Have you seen Jaehyun?”

You shake your head. “I haven’t gotten in touch with him for years. Ever since your wedding, actually.”

She tears her gaze away from the window, specifically from the snowflakes that fall from the sky. She looks at you, surprised. “Why not?”

You shrug your shoulders. “I guess I was just too busy with work. I mean, I still am, but—”

“You should, Y/N.” She places her hand on top of yours.

You stare at her hand that’s on top of yours. There’s no longer a wedding ring on her fourth finger. It kind of throws you off. “I don’t think he’ll want to see me. I bet you didn’t even want to see me either—”

“When Jaehyun and I got divorced, I felt like I was finally setting him free.” She confesses. “I felt like something or someone was holding him back. I knew it was always you, Y/N.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Yeona. Jaehyun’s not in love with me—”

“First snowfall means first love. It means that the person you’re with on the first snowfall of the season will be the love of your life.” She cuts you off. You look at her with slightly widened eyes. “That’s what Jaehyun told me. He also told me that the first snowfall always reminds him of you.”

“Yeona, I’m not sure what to say.” You say with a breathy laugh.

“You didn’t attend our wedding.” She mumbles. “Jaehyun was looking for you the entire night. Even when reception was over, he was still looking for you. Let me remind you that I was the one he got married to. It felt weird, it felt heartbreaking, because although his bride was standing right beside him, he was still looking and waiting for someone else.”

“I didn’t attend your wedding because—”

“Because you’re in love with him.” She finishes it for you. “Y/N, I’m not stupid. I can see it with my own two eyes. You’re in love with him and he’s in love with you.”

“Shouldn’t you be mad at me?” You ask.

She shakes her head. “I wish I could be mad at you, but I’m not. Our divorce was mutual. We filed a divorce because I knew Jaehyun was in love with you, and he still is. But we also filed a divorce because I was slowly falling out of love with him and falling in love with someone else.”

“But I feel like this was all because of me—”

She smiles. “Don’t feel bad. If there’s someone who should feel bad, it should be me. I’ve been selfishly holding Jaehyun back for so long, for three years, from someone he should be with.”

You wipe away tears that have managed to stream down your cheeks. “I—”

“Can I ask you one favour?”

The waitress arrives with your dishes and places them onto the table. As the waitress leaves the two of you again, she reaches out to hold your hands.

You nod. “Sure.”

“Please get in touch with Jaehyun. I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

—Present

Jaehyun calls it a night, placing the letter back into its envelope before putting it back in a drawer. He turns off the night light and settles in bed, wrapping his arm around your waist. You snuggle closer to his chest, continuing to let out soft snores. Jaehyun smiles, using his other free hand to tuck a few stray strands of hair away from your face.

“Good night, Y/N.”

On August 8th, Y/N and I had a conversation at the bonfire. I wanted to test the waters again for the second time. I was so confused. My mind was in love with Yeona but my heart belonged to Y/N. I asked her if I should propose to Yeona.

She looked at me and asked me if I love her. I said that I love her. But she asked me if I love her with all my heart. It took me a while to answer, but eventually, I said that I love her with all of my heart.

Y/N simply smiled at me with a smile that didn’t look real.

She said, if I love Yeona with all of my heart, then what was I waiting for?

I remember my heart answering her question with,

I’m waiting for you to stop me.

—Future

“Thanks for the ride, Yeona.”

She smiles. “No worries. Text me when you get home safely!”

And off Yeona goes. You watch her car get smaller and smaller as it grows farther. You let out a happy sigh, stepping inside of your apartment complex. You make a quick stop at the mailbox, placing your last letter to your past self into the slit. As you hop onto the elevator, you find yourself thinking back to your conversation with Yeona.

Just as you step out of your elevator, you stop in your tracks.

“Please get in touch with Jaehyun. I’m sure he’s looking for you.”

Sitting right in front of the door to your apartment is Jaehyun. He’s looking down at his phone. The closer you get to him, the more you realize that he’s playing a game on his phone. A smile threatens to spread across your lips.

“Excuse me, sir, but I think you’ve got the wrong apartment.”

Jaehyun recognizes the voice and his head shoots up. At first, he doesn’t recognize your face. You had definitely matured. You look like a grown woman. Your hair is long. He looks up at you in awe until he realizes how stupid he looks. He’s immediately getting up onto his two feet, but you stop him when you take a seat next to him on the carpet floor.

“Y/N,” he breathes out. “Hi.”

You smile. “Hi.”

“I—Long time no see.” He stutters, scratching the back of his neck.

“How did you get my address?”

“Well, I got it from—”

“You got it from Sunghwa, didn’t you?” You cut him off with squinted eyes. He gulps nervously, nodding his head. You sigh. “God, I’m going to kill her for this.”

The both of you look at each other before bursting out into laughter.

He bites his lip. “How—How have you been?”

You fold your arms. “I think I should be asking you that, Mr. Just Got Divorced.”

He chuckles. “I’ve been doing better. Actually, I think I’ll do even better now that I’ve seen you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Really.” He sighs. He feels hesitant to ask you a question he’s been dying to ask you. He decides to take a leap of faith. “Have you been seeing someone lately?”

You shake your head. “No. Why? Should I be seeing someone—”

“No.” He cuts you off. You glance at him with a look of suspicion. He feels nervous again. “Well—that’s not what I meant! What I meant was—”

“What are you doing here?” You ask him with a soft voice. You’re looking at him seriously. “Why did you want to see me, Jaehyun?”

“Because there are many things I want to tell you.” He mumbles.

“And what are those things you want to tell me?”

He swears he feels his heart is on fire. He avoids your gaze. “I’m in love with you.”

It feels nice to hear him say it. It’s like time has slowed down and it’s just the two of you in the universe. When you don’t reply, he courageously looks at you to get some sort of answer from your eyes.

You smile. “I know.”

“You know?”

You hum in reply. “I know that you’re in love with me.”

“But are you in love with me?” He whispers. “I mean, it’s fine if you’re not. I just figured that it would be best for me to let you know that I’m in love with you. All I want is closure and a piece of mind knowing that you know that I’m in love with you.”

“You’re rambling agan, Jaehyun.” You chuckle. You look away from him. “What if I’m in love with you?”

��Are you?”

You let out a sigh. “God, I’m so in love with you, Jaehyun. I’m still in love with you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m in love with you.” You repeat yourself.

“You’re in love with me?”

“I’m in love with you, stupid.”

He doesn’t say anything that it makes you start to worry. You look at him, only to find him looking at you. You really want to kiss him. But you’ll probably have to save that for later.

“So,” he mumbles. “You’re in love with me?”

“I told you like three times already in the span of two minutes, Jaehyun.”

“But I want to hear it again—”

“I’m in love with you, Jaehyun.” You repeat it one last time for him. “But do we really have to be sitting on the floor like this in front of my apartment? When we could literally be chilling inside?”

“I’m in love with you too.” He whispers. “And no, we can definitely go inside. If you’re okay with me being in your apartment, of course.”

“Or, you can move in with me. Do you want to move in with me?”

“Not until you give me a kiss first—”

“How about you ask me to marry you instead?”

“Would you say yes, though?”

You laugh.

“Yes.”

“Babe, I’m going to make a quick stop downstairs! I just need to mail something.”

Jaehyun sees you give him two thumbs up. He’s hopping into the elevator to lead him down to the lower floor. He steps out of the apartment and reaches the mailbox. He seals the envelope before placing his letter to his past self through the slit.

He dusts his hands off. “I hope you get there safely.”

—Present

“Babe, have you seen an envelope?”

You step out of the washroom to find Jaehyun rummaging through the drawers. “An envelope? No, why?”

“I swear I placed it in this drawer last night, but now it’s gone.” He frowns, checking all the drawers one last time before sighing with defeat.

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion. It’s probably his letters, you think to yourself. “I think I might know where it went.”

“Really?” He asks.

You nod. “Yeah, I’ll look for it. You should go take a shower before you run late for work.”

As he steps out of the bedroom to take a shower, you open your closet to pull out a box where you’ve put all of your letters in. You can hear the shower turn on as you close the closet door shut. You take a seat on the bed, opening the box—

“What the fuck?” You blurt out.

You’re pulling out the letters, one by one, but as you take them out, they all start to disappear into thin air. One by one, they start crumbling up into thin dust, disappearing in your fingertips.

And what was once a box filled with letters from your future self is now, empty.

And just like the letters that have disappeared as if they’ve never happened, the future has been successfully rewritten.

author’s note. thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed this short sequel to seven letters lmao. kjsdhfjkshdf

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