You will all acknowledge my boy!!

Announcement of Writing Hiatus, Yet Too a New Adventure

TLDR: Pausing my writing/fanfics for an indefinite amount of time to pursue drawing. Not abandoning my projects, but need a change of pace.

Hello, my lovely readers! Long time no see...?

This post has been brewing for quite a while, but I've been my usual stubborn self and refused to publicly acknowledge my struggles until now. I gave myself a deadline to make a decision, and that deadline is now here, hence this announcement post. However, to explain a little... Since October of last year ( 2023 ), I've been battling against and contending with an intense bout of writer's block - pretty much right after the 2nd remastered chapter of YCTL released. I also wasn't enjoying myself in the fandom, nor was I content with some of the decisions Atlus was making at the time. With those combined, I genuinely debated leaving/deleting all of my work, as all it brought me was misery. I won't go into too much detail as I don't like airing negativity, but I ultimately decided a break from it all was required, from SMS and such. After a much-needed break and unforeseen support, my volatile emotions ebbed and I managed to see the light again, yet when I tried to return to writing, I felt my heart wasn't as enthusiastic about it as it once was. I even attempted to begin production on Yusuke's B'day fic earlier, thinking that maybe it was the chapter of YCTL holding me down, but that didn't really help either. I was and still am apathetic towards my writing. I don't feel excitement, enjoyment or anything joyus towards it anymore. All I currently feel is frustration and annoyance whenever I try. It's easier to chalk this up to writer's block, because, well, that's ultimately what it is, but it's quite a severe case, unfortunately.

Around New Years, a friend of mine gave me their old drawing touchpad/tablet as they had upgraded, and I've been enjoying experimenting with it and tapping into my childhood hobby/interest since. While doing so definitely has those natural creative frustrations, I've been able to aspire beyond them, and that is ultimately what made me realise what creation should feel like again, and all of the above. It was akin to a wake up moment, one where I realised my relationship with writing as a whole had degraded and just trying to 'willpower' through it was impossible. I do not wish to abandon my projects or writing as a whole, but the reality of the matter is I cannot create anything of worth in my current state - trying to force myself will only lead to hatred, and I really don't want to lose my love for writing more than I already have.

These last 3 months have made it clear I need a change, and so I debated how to proceed forward and ultimately decided it would be wise for me to put my projects on an indefinite hiatus, yet instead of simply mulling over that fact, I should shift my creative energy towards other methods and explore different creative outlets whilst my burnout heals. I, unfortunately, cannot give a timeframe for when I may return to writing, as these issues have a mind of their own, but I'm hopeful this will be a step in the right direction. In the meantime, I plan to pursue drawing again as I've found it rather fun, despite the lulls, but this will primarily be a 'behind the scenes' venture, as I am still very much a fledgling artist and do not harbour any confidence regarding posting my artworks. I'm hopeful pouring my creative energy into something else can facilitate my growth, instead of remaining stagnant as I have the last few months.

As for my accounts, I plan to resume my activities on SMS. I've gone dark the last 2.5 months as I really needed it and wished to spend time with loved ones without these mental pressures, but now that I can see a path forward, I want to enjoy my place within the fandom again. I'll primarily be doing as I always have, posting miscellaneous stuff and supporting other creative individuals - just without the chapter updates and whatnot. Who knows, I may even post some of my artwork that I find decent enough.

To showcase my dedication to this new adventure, I drew a small fanart and wish to share it with you all! I did want to draw something a little more substantial, but the weather here is brutal and there's some other, unrelated, changes occuring in my life at the moment, so I'm rather busy. Regardless, I hope you enjoy this little piece - a piece indicating my wish to forge ahead, no matter its form! ᕙ(✧ヮ✧)ᕗ

This post has been going on long enough, so I'm going to conclude it with a few more words. But ultimately, I am still very passionate and love P5/shukita/kitashu, the form of which I express it is just going to shift for some time! Thank you all so much for your understanding, I honestly wouldn't be here without you all as your support has been paramount throughout the years! I hope this leads to a fruitful future for us all!

❤️❤️❤️💙💙💙

PS: Yes, I had to draw both variations of the ship as I love them both equally~! ヽ(♥ ³♥)ﾉ

It has just simply been one of Those Days.

Nothing is terribly wrong. Is it ever? I dig for things to upset me. I unconsciously seek out what will ruffle my feathers.

Maybe it's because I didn't get much sleep last night and I was woken by my neighbor too early. Maybe it's the high of birthday weekend flatlining now that it's all over, my special time, my day of Me, gone now and staying gone for another whole year.

When did I become so vain and needy?

Is this why I've stayed isolated all this time? Did I know deep down that it was either stay distant and cool, or crumble to pieces?

In this last week, I've been so much more social with my online (cam) community. I've been utilizing the Discord the way it was designed to be utilized. Daily 'round-the-clock messaging. And it's been so fun. But then in the lulls, when nobody replies to me, or when someone posts a gif of a sexy girl with features I don't have, or when I don't get the response I was expecting (and basing my mood on), I feel almost manic.

I've become overly attached. I signed off with "I love you" during my birthday stream a few days ago, something I'd vowed to myself never to say as my camgirl persona. I find myself oversharing just a tad, here and there, more than I normally would, anyway. I place more and more expectations on my members as reasons my day is bright and exciting.

And is this fair? Not entirely. But at the same time, with the nature of my relationship with them, they could be doing more. My livelihood is based upon selling interactions with myself to men. Yet I give these men free, constant, daily interactions with me because they tipped for a certain club at some point this year and because they chat in my room and occasionally give me some dollars. I have to keep a boundary line for myself; I've been slipping and really depending on these guys for my socialization needs too much. I am practiced at loneliness. Not at group chats and attention on demand. I get a taste and I need more, more, more. Needier and needier. My fondness for them becomes claws I want to sink in, make them love me most out of everyone, make them stay forever, make them give me everything because don't I deserve it? Haven't I been so patient and good this year? Meanwhile, in other corners of the Internet, I'm losing my grip. I used to receive lots of glowing attention and even gifts from Fetlife, and now it's becoming a source of disappointment and annoyance. Today, pain. A very stupid man with entitlement issues blowing up at me because I dared to indicate no interest in having sex with him. He tore my character apart, called me names, blocked me, and I sat with an ache for longer than I should have given the situation and the person. My skin feels especially thin today. I am little and raw and in need of love, praise, adoration, treats, sweetness. My face keeps scrunching up with a sudden bout of tears. Nothing ever falls but my hurt is so close to the surface and there's no particular reason for it. I'm just sad.

And I know material items won't necessarily fix me but they do feel good. I want that puppy ears and tail set I can't buy for myself because it's PayPal only and I'm banned from that service. I want it to honor the headspace I keep semi-slipping into, to embrace it and fully inhabit it, to make my feelings of smallness and dumbness something freeing and sweet instead of bad. To transform my negative emotions. I have made so many not-so-subtle hints at how badly I want this thing, with the link in the Discord, and a limited supply in the store, and a sale that will end... I can't talk about it anymore or I'll be annoying. And the only thing worse than not having that set right now is coming across as annoying and unlikeable to this community I find myself basing my validation on.