I could probs start selfshipping w L.oki again and it would be totally new and exciting for me cause of how much older, self assured and wiser(ish) I am entering my late 20s vs. me at my peak (probably 15-21, it was a...formative era. i was here in 2011/2012 I remember it all too well. eyewitness reports.)

I don't plan to ever blog about it on the same level as C.able or anything cause in many ways it's a very hypothetical exercise for funsies returning to older interests/f/os teenage nostalgia thing for me HAHA like oh wouldnt it be funny if we reunited unexpectedly after a long time? What would we do? How would we react to each other? How would we navigate a post romantic sexual bond? in many ways i do not get this drama with my other f/os so maybe I just have a craving for it now and then. emotional upheaval and confusion and it's complicated

I am not super aware if I have any followers who are L.oki selfshippers so my apologies. If you are someone who doesn't want to hear about this. EVER! you got the option to block me or this tag:

f/o:loki

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

(( I had told myself not to write anything about this, but I kinda have a lot of feelings on the matter and I’ve seen several posts around, so I thought I could share my opinion too. This are just some random thoughts, so forgive me if they are all a bit all over the place. ))

(( Under the cut because the post got a bit long. ))

(( I’ve recently caught up with Legends, after having missed the two latest episodes, and I’m absolutely torn over the kind of twist some of the sub plots are taking. Behrad’s death was kinda expected, but I was still hoping that they would have kept him around for a bit longer. Of course, there is still the chance that he gets back, considering that we don’t really know how the whole Loom of Fate ordeal will end, but tbh I wished we had had more bonding between him and Zari before he was taken out of the picture. I understand that his death, together with meeting her older self, is important to Zari’s character development, but I still feel like it was a bit rushed. ))

(( One thing I really liked, even if maybe is a cliched, was Charlie choosing the Legends as her family and breaking away from the conditioning that her sisters have tried to force on her, even after all that time. And the fact that it was during the episode with the Spn setting...The whole “family doesn’t end with blood” trope was quite fitting. I love that she has found her place with them, after millennia spent on the run from a her “biological” family, which was obviously abusive. ))

(( Another nice surprise was Astra choosing to team up with Ava & Co, choosing to trust John, other than giving into Lachesis’s siren call. I’m really excited to see how they will deal with her character. In the comics, John eventually manages to free her from Hell, but we aren’t given much closure, especially not after how deeply John’s whole storyline is affected by the Newcastle clusterfuck. It seems that the show is trying to take another route to deal with it and I’m really curious and hopeful for what concerns it. Also, I do like the idea of her having a more active role in changing her destine. Quite literally. And Ava sharing her backstory with her, trying to convince her to be her own person? That was really good. Also because it shows the growth of Ava’s character too. ))

(( Now, the thing that has been bothering me the most. The turn in Constantine and Zari 2.0′s relationship. Personally, I don’t like it. I wasn’t a fan of Nate & Zari either, but pushing her towards just makes me straight out uncomfortable. I found myself looking away in the scenes where they were getting romantically physical and I’m not sure what I’m going to do if they will make them an official couple. I really don’t see the chemistry between them. Don’t get me wrong, they are funny, they have a good dynamic, the way their characters clashes because of the differences is interesting. They do have chemistry but as friends. I don’t really see how a romance could work out, and let’s not forget the whole Nate factor. I’m going a bit more in depth with this, even if no one really cares about my meta xD But since I’m at it, I don’t see why not. ))

(( Zari 1.0 and John had some very nice moments. Their relationship was different, also because they had more common ground. They had both known tragedy, they had both made bad choices and paid for them. Zari 1.0 could relate better to John, because, while she was a good person too, she knew what it meant having to do the wrong thing for the right reasons, and that something that John does a lot. I didn’t ship them, but I really loved their dynamics and I will always treasure that scene when she gives him the picture of his mother she had taken. There was a connection there and it was a really good friendship, not so different from the one John has with Charlie. ))

(( Now, Zari 2.0 is a completely different person. She has a completely different backstory and, as such, a different personality. I didn’t like her at first, but she has grown a lot recently and matured too during her time with the Legends and she has got back being a great character, relatable too. However, she still lacks all the common ground that Zari 1.0 had with John. This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. The fact that they come from completely different worlds is one of the elements that makes their dynamic interesting, but it also underlines the fact that Zari has no idea of who John is and of how his world truly works and she probably will never understand it. She kinda reminds me of Kit (one of John’s lovers in the comics, perhaps his most important relationship together with Zatanna) under some point of view, even if the two characters have some very profound differences. Kit and John were very close, he was head over heels for her, but it didn’t work out because, while she knew him, she couldn’t grasp or accept his world. The magic, the darkness, the bad things he does because it’s what he is. And so it ended very, very badly between them. Honestly? That’s the only kind of dynamic I can picture in a romance between John and Zari. And it’s already a stretch, because Kit’s character had some traits that made her compatible with John, traits that Zari doesn’t have. Not to mention that Kit had a lot of history with John before they got together romantically, and that was what made them work, for a while. Zari doesn’t. So, it might be a way to make it sort of work (still forced for how I see it), unless they break his character...and I would HATE that. He is my favourite from LoT and I’ve waited a long time to see him brought back after his show was cancelled, so...please, don’t ruin it for me. ))

(( Also, their “romantic” connection really felt shoved in out of the blue. They have never really interacted much before and sure, being forced to team up can bring two people close, the timing is awful. Let’s not forget that Zari had just decided to blame John for Behrad’s death. She was supposed to have a grudge against him. Moreover, she is grieving the brother she was finally starting to properly connect with and she is struggling with a quest to rebuild her identity after she has found out about her other self. She is looking for her place in the world and a person who is dealing with that realistically doesn’t go and fall for someone just because they have shared an adventure. It feels forced and rushed. Maybe in another context I could have tolerated it or given it the benefit of the doubt, but not in this moment of the storyline. It’s out of plance to say the least. I had expected them to work out their differences in that episode, but instead all they do is bickering (which is fun) and then they fight together (which was great, tbh, because it shows them both that they can be a good team). However, there’s not a real moment when they properly talk about what has happened, about their conflict . We just see them being shoved together and forced to touch and then there’s that almost kiss moment and it’s just...bad timing. It feels awkward and yeah, forced too. ))

(( Also, let’s not forget that in the previous episode, Zari sleep-walked in Nate’s bedroom and half of the crew, including John, found them in the middle of a somewhat compromising position in the middle of the corridor. John joked and teased them as everyone else and wasn’t upset in the least. On the contrary, he was basically rooting for them. And this was perhaps the day, or a few days at most, before the whole romantic innuendos got thrown in the mix. Yet another reason why I feel this was forced and rushed and brought up out of nowhere. ))

(( As for John, his current focus is on getting the Loom back together and keeping his promise to Astra. We have seen him being reckless and single-minded about it, to the point that he almost got himself, Charlie and Sara killed. And did get Behrad killed, because he didn’t think his shit through. It doesn’t make sense to me that he suddenly finds the time to notice that he might or might not have feelings for Zari. It’s almost out of character. And it clashes with how he has been behaving so far. You don’t stop obsessing about the one thing that would allow you to FINALLY make amends for the greatest regret of your entire life just because you realise that one of your teammates is actually a nice company, all considered. Plus, he too has already too much on his plate in general to have the space for a romance. And, personal preference, John is good on his own. He needs friends that can help him picking up the pieces, not a relationship that will eventually just bring him more harm and complications. God, I miss Chas. ))

(( Someone could argue that they shared a moment during the Romeo vs Juliette episode, but I disagree with that too. That episode was all about Nate and Ray. The dialogue between Romeo and Juliette was not about John and Zari, it was all about Nate and Ray. They are the star-crossed couple of friends (lovers in the play), not John and Zari. That kiss was a symbol of Ray and Nate reconnecting with each other before taking different paths and it had nothing to do with John and Zari. At least, that’s the feeling I had from how the whole episode was built and I think that I’m not completely misled in that regard. ))

(( Last thing, I don’t want the whole thing between Zari and John to be a source of drama. Because that’s what we’ll get, because Nate is still very much in love with Zari, both Zaris. He has started to chase after Zari 2.0 thinking that she was his Zari, but he came to like her for what she is too. And maybe, yes, perhaps he needs to move on from her as some people have pointed out. It could be one way to go around it, but that wouldn’t spare us the classic love triangle crap we get at some point in every damn show and I’m starting to be a bit bored with it. And it wouldn’t really change my view on John and Zari’s relationship. ))