#I still wanna put up comission stuff by january and I'll try to communicate the super basic version of this on my mains this week | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bibiana112 · 3 years

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Not that I can control it as evidenced by me expecting to get into twewy for the second half of the year, but man it was a good time for me to hyperfixate on zero escape again

#kinda vent cause I just watched a video that made me think #like being an artist online is a weird thing but it can be fun and it can be a lot of things #kh kind of stressed me out on some regards? it's something so much more popular than what I'm used to #felt like I had to think twice (ha) about anything I posted #but then boom I go back to the ze community where it's the same 20 people everytime and it's got basically no discourse cause dead fandom #and I can post a fic I made on impulse about my comfort characters without being agonizingly self conscious about it #it felt like showing something I wrote to friends or something #making kh art is far from the point of being negative but it's stressful and I'm just happy I didn't force myself to like #keep it up for the whole year? it's been such a goddamn messy one #this is all probably my existencial bullshit settling in for november as usual and this year's not going to be an easy one to sift through #christ I think I haven't let myself think about everything that happened too much in months #living alone for the first time's been good a bunch of stuff's been good #replaying this game I love with a friend that i love was so good and the talks we got into late night after playing?#I was ready to go full business mode at the start of the year but idk I think I really needed this instead #I need to talk to my big sister to know if she got her second shot she's been worrying all year for me and I really want to ask for a hug #I still wanna put up comission stuff by january and I'll try to communicate the super basic version of this on my mains this week #but I'm glad I've been comfortable in my little corner while wrapping my head around these things #instead of pretending I was mentally somewhere else and making art for the sake of engagement and traction #my poor zine deadlines on the other hand lol I'm responsible I'll manage those eventually #also like. it was only even stressful because I'm an overthinker that gets paranoid over and tries to deconstruct most things anyways #i think saying it made me stressed is less accurate than saying it just made me anxious #also like. I have a bit of a personal reason why I like my favorite ze characters but I could express it in a way that conveyed it without #me like going on a sob story or anything like that #but if you ask me why I like Roxas so much or why Ven's whole situation is so distressing to me it is VERY personal #in a way that's VERY difficult to convey without the specifics because it really isn't what you'd probably guess first #I've made a whole comic on that which I went back and forth on posting because I didn't say it was about what it was #but I could still feel it was when I looked #so I never finished adding the text I wrote so earnestly into the actual art and there it stays. disjointed and unknown. and that's good #ven's probably not gonna find this so I'll just go ahead and say this one. yeah I've a friend who goes by Ven #I won't be more specific than that (tbh most of the story isn't mine to tell) but there's a bunch of complex feelings there haha holy fuck

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