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enhy4en · 2 years

Text

enhypen hyung line as college roommates

pairing: enhypen hyung line x gn!reader

genre: fluff, roommate trope

warnings: not proof read! few curse words, kisses.. that's it i think, please lmk if i missed anything

word count: 1.8k

note: this will be my first writing post on tumblr ever! as a college freshman, these bullets are really not accurate because I still live with my parents lmao and i'm still doing online school. ANYWAY this is what my brain came up with. let's start <3

heeseung

okay, he would be quiet as FUCK

he is a frickin infp, man’s introverted

he only speaks when spoken to

BUT he would be protective, i can see that

being two years your senior, he definitely gives you all the advice you could ever need.

best study places? he knows them all.

where to and not to party? he tells you everything.

even professors to watch out for. AND HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE THE SAME PROGRAM AS YOU

after two months, he’d have already warmed up to you.

no more introverted heeseung! you only knew loud and funny heeseung.

you don’t know why, but he definitely cracked more jokes when you’re around. (his friends said so the one time they came over)

as for cooking, you both would fight. either he’s lazy or you don’t want another ramen night.

it got tiring. until you noticed it’s 10pm and dinner was FAR from ready, you shook your head and headed over to the kitchen with youtube open on your phone playing the first cooking video you saw.

you didn’t realize it until it was time to add the green onion to the kimchi fried rice you were making that heeseung practically cut up all of the ingredients you needed.

“whe- how?”

“you were reaaally focused.” he shrugged and snatched the ladle from your hands so he could transfer the rice into two separate bowls.

“you could be a good sous chef, you know? have you considered shifting to culinary?”

“i’m literally one and a half year from graduating, y/n.”

that night, you both didn’t sleep until 2 in the morning.

past midnight, you both decided to clean up.

1am, you two were in front of the microwave waiting for the timer to go off.

2am, the movie you were watching during dinner and well after the popcorn rolled credits.

you see your roommate on the couch, eyes shut, head leaning towards you.

he appears to be coming closer.

you look away. ‘what is he doing?’ you think to yourself.

you suddenly feel two arms on your waist, tightening its grip. you hear “you’re my favorite roommate.” from the voice you’ve been hearing consistently the past two months.

others after the cut!

jay

i do not know if im emotionally ready for this (prolly not) but let’s go

he’s been your bestest friend for most of high school so it’s a no-brainer when you both got into the same university that y’all will be roommates.

bickering. all. day. long.

“i’m showering first.” you reminded him when attempts to open the door.

“then why aren’t you HERE?”

“i’m getting in the mood, okay?”

very chaotic.

there is one time though when you both seem to have a cease-fire.

that time being when you got sick.

he had only one class that day so the whole three hours he was gone, was the only time you felt peace after five months of living with him.

the peace you felt being a good nap. when you woke up, you heard noise in the kitchen.

“jay, is that you?”

“guess!”

you rolled your eyes and decided to get up since your nap did 50% of the medicine’s work, one that you were supposed to take.

only you ran out so you waited for jay to buy some.

“what are you doing here?” jay, turning his back from the stove to face you, questioned.

you turn his back around again, “chill. i don’t feel that sick anymore. what are you cooking?” you peeked through his shoulders with a tip-toe to see that he was cooking soup, the one your mom makes for you when you don’t feel well.

“oh my god, you love me THAT much?” you said with a hint of sarcasm and teasing

“yeah, of course. why do you think i put up with your bullshit for 6 years, huh? of course, i’m in love with you.”

“woah, IN LOVE? JAY WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?”

his confession was so sudden

and that resulted in him PLAINLY AVOIDING you for three days

“jay, can we at least TALK about it? i swear i’m gonna go insane if you go another second of ignoring me.”

“i was planning on confessing, okay? and i planned it to go way better than that. c’mon...” he looked down.

“well, i think it was perfect.”

“sorry for ruining our friendship-” you cut him off with, “i like you too, you know?”

“WHAT?” an ‘o’ formed with his mouth. he was so cute.

he finally looked up to see your expression. when his eyes met yours, both of your lips formed a smile. his eyes a perfect crescent.

“so...” he started.

“so...” you continued.

“what now?” you said together.

he shook his head, still with the unstoppable smile. “come here.” he opened his arms, gesturing a hug.

“i really thought...” he said under his breath, with his chin touching the top of your head.

“shut up and kiss me.”

jake

hella awkward at first.

you're both international students so there's gotta be solidarity or something, right?

WRONG.

you and jake didn't talk for two weeks.

nods and waves were the only forms of communication.

that was enough, i guess?

it was fortunate that your schedules were the exact opposite. all of your classes were in the morning and all of his were in the afternoon.

you only ever saw each other when you both get food in the common area.

day 13. you became really tired of this. you wanted a new friend.

so you wait for him to come home after his last class finished.

“hey jake!” you said after he locked the door.

“huh? yeah, hi?” he looked confused. maybe because he was. this was the only time he heard you speak other than your first day in the dorms, when you first introduced yourself.

you scrambled your brain to come up with what to say and nothing comes. so you just said, “nothing. just wanted to talk to you more. uh.. good night!” And walked back to your room like you didn’t just wait 2 hours on the couch.

the day after, he started talking to you more. and it didn’t take too long for you to become close. and a month into this some kind of friendship, you started to form some kind of a routine.

study sessions in the cafe nearby. every week.

it started with him just asking where you were going one night and to your surprise, he came with you to the cafe that night because he said he wants to go somewhere to study too.

ever since then, when the clock strikes 9 in the evening, you were both packing up to go down to your trusty coffee shop.

you noticed at most nights, jake doesn’t even bother to open his laptop (that he supposedly brought to study) and he just goes on his phone. you even caught him one time taking a picture of you. “you were making a funny face,” was his excuse.

you were not making a funny face. you don’t know what was going on inside his head.

“jake, if you don’t have to study, you know you don’t have to come with me. right?” you cornered him the next week. you felt a bit guilty because you thought he was forced to go with you every time ever since the first study night.

“but, y/n, i WANT to go with you.”

“why?”

“i just like your presence. if i’m bothering you, then i won’t go anymore. is that good?”

oh.

he likes your presence.

“jake! oh my god, are we friends now?” you asked him with shock and a hint of teasing.

“yeah, of course we’re fr- WAIT YOU DIDN’T SEE ME AS A FRIEND BEFORE?”

“yeah, no. you were more like an acquaintance to me.”

“MY COMING WITH YOU EVERY WEEK TO THE CAFE... was that not our friendship bonding?”

“sure, but you don’t really talk to me... jake.”

“why do we both suck at starting conversations?”

sunghoon

another introvert.

this will be hard. especially, considering that he was one of the last people you'd want to be your roommate.

he hates you for goodness's sake.

well, maybe not hate BUT you’re sure he is out to get you

it’s hard having your academic rival as your roommate, no?

imagine, the one who races you to answer your professor just to annoy you is the same person you have to see each morning.

the one who always compares both of your scores is the same one who is now making coffee just outside your door.

can your university experience get any worse?

a deep breath later and your door is open. you need to go to school anyway.

you nodded at sunghoon and headed to the bathroom to shower.

you were running late, so you did everything as fast as you could.

then, you remembered as you were finishing up

you forgot to eat! you always liked to eat before showering, it was comforting.

it gave the slow vibe of a weekend morning. but now, all of that's gone.

all because of your annoying roommate who you were trying to avoid a while ago..

ultimately, you decided to eat just after your first class.

it’s only for an hour, i can do it. you thought about its duration. you can go back to your apartment to eat, without any distractions.

okay, it’s been decided! let's go to class.

you got out, all dressed and wondered, “where is he?”

why were you looking for sunghoon anyway

you shook your head and picked your keys up to go out.

an hour later, you heard noises as you were unlocking your apartment door.

you thought to yourself, sunghoon is gone for the day, right?

is there someone else inside? what if it was a thief?

so you inhaled as you opened the door.

while you were expecting a black masked figure, you saw the last person you’d thought to see.

sunghoon.

“you didn't eat breakfast.” he said simply and pointed to the dining table where he was sitting.

he continued, “so i cooked.”

“you weren’t even here when i finished showering.”

he shrugged. “groceries, duh.”

you laughed through your nose. “always an answer for everything. huh, sunghoon?”

“you bet,” he smiled and continued, “this doesn't mean we're friends. remember that.”

“of course. even the time when you took care of me when i was drunk, we weren't friends then.”

“yes! we weren't, we aren't, and we will definitely will not be friends.”

“you're insufferable, sunghoon.”

“not as much as you, though.” and he had the audacity to wink.

he was wrong, by the way.

both of you became friends soon after that.

then, lovers.

wait. that makes him... half right. you both are certainly not friends now.

“oh my god. was that what you meant by us never being friends?!” you jump up from your slumber.

you both were taking a nap. it was a nice sunday afternoon.

in your shared bed, sunghoon turns to face you.

he jolted his eyes in confusion. why were you screaming well into the afternoon? he didn't know.

but he did.

“we were never going to be friends because,” he paused to grab onto you and be closer to your scent.

“i was already in love with you then.”

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scone-lover · 3 years

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Happy Birthday to Holding Out For a Hero!!! ❤️

art by @subparselkie

I published the first chapter of my longest and most popular fic just about a year ago! And I bet you always wanted to see some shitty outlines. Right? Just giving the people what they want. My brain is chaos and now you all have to be subject to it. Strap in, boys. 😂 Everything’s below the cut!

Read Holding Out for a Hero on AO3

This fic was born because I saw a tumblr post about a hero and villain who are roommates and I just had to Snowbazzify it. I had so many random ideas in my brain, and I’d been engaging with fan content for the CO fandom for a few months now.

So I started off by opening a blank document and writing the Prologue, featuring Shep. I had a few basic facts in mind: Shepard’s a reporter, Simon’s a hero, Baz is a villain, Mage is an evil mayor. And that’s. Literally it. I made it up as I went along. I actually still do that with fics, even though I do try to outline in more detail now—I have to write a scene or two that’s been bouncing around in my head to get a feel for the story, then I can give it a direction.

The document is 337 pages on google docs, LOL.

Here’s the first ever set of notes I had. I wrote this on March 29, 2020, directly after typing out the Prologue!

Like I said, absolute chaos. The third Simon bullet point originally said something like “also I’m a superhero and only Penny knows,” then the following day I changed it to “but he’s so handsome? what do???”

I didn’t publish the prologue until writing 5-6 additional chapters, but I think the only major change was going from Baz being “The Vampire” to just “Vampire.”

Chapter 1 was originally called “not a bloody avenger” before I decided to do the rhyming thing. I actually decided that because I wrote “counter spray and earl grey” down for chapter 2, unintentionally rhyming it, and then @ashspren-writes was like, “you should make them all rhyme”... so I did. 😂 For 25 more chapters.

I have a section labeled “quickie backgrounds” in which I finally sat down halfway through writing Chapter 2 (the blade/vamp fight) and said to myself, okay, maybe they should have backstories or something. Or like, reasons for being the hero and villain. Right, yeah, those would be good to make this into a coherent story. In the first version of that, Simon was a sports coach on the side, not a baker, and Baz was an English teacher. LOL.

Once I had all that, I literally just wrote for four days. There’s a weird kind of magic to your first-ever fic for a fandom. All your ideas and thoughts and wishes for these characters comes to a head as you suddenly have an outlet for the first time. It’s why I think people’s first works are often their best or most creative or most profound. The first couple chapters took some time and a couple 1am epiphanies, but once I got into a rhythm it was quick going. I wrote a lot of it in a linear manner, but after writing the first Simon/Baz scene (watching the news together in the flat), I doubled back and added Simon going to Penny’s house after meeting the Mage so that I could work her in as a character earlier.

Fast forward to April 5, I had 5-ish chapters written? I thought this fic would have like... 10 total. And be less than 20k. Haha. Ha. I asked @ashspren-writes to beta read for me - I’d been bouncing ideas off her since the beginning - and then I started brainstorming titles.

The list actually started with that second one. It took a whole 24 hours to decide on the final title. 😂 I thought it might be too cheesy. But hey, it worked out -- now I can’t open AO3 without the damn song getting stuck in my head.

I worked a LOT with my friend @ashspren-writes on this fic - we were friends long before fandom, and she was the only person I knew at the time who had read CO and was involved in the fandom. I didn’t even have a tumblr at this point, I interacted mostly through Instagram and AO3!

On April 6, right before I posted, I realized that if I was going to actually put this on AO3 I should probably know where the story was going. So I made sure Chapters 1-6 were complete, then I wrote one bullet point per chapter up until 12 or so -- you can read those below.

Then I texted ashspren THIS mess:

Some silly notes:

Then I have a section that says “Why do they even have roommates?” because it was a few chapters in and I hadn’t justified richboy Baz and superhero Simon... living together. Cool cool cool

I also did this cool little writing experiment I want to share. Remember that line in Fangirl that’s like—“Once Cath wrote what she thought was a swordfight, and Wren turned it into a love scene.” (Or maybe it was the other way around? LOL.) Anyway, there’s swordfights in this, AND love scenes, so I wanted to do a play on that for two alternate ways Simon might figure it out.

I have a huge Deleted Section in which I wrote an alternate version of Simon and Baz finding out about their secret identities. I have one version where Baz figures it out first—it’s a very tropey yet angsty scene where Simon comes home totally wrecked from a fight, and Baz realizes as he’s helping with the wounds that he caused them. I actually like it a lot, but it ended up not quite fitting with the vibe of the fic (and I rather like them finding out through kissing better). :) I also had an idea where Simon figures it out because Vampire smells like cedar and bergamot, but it really just wasn’t interesting enough. 😂

Now onto... Outlines.

I say that hesitantly because I think these are literally a disgrace to outlines everywhere. These are the baby ones I wrote on April 6 right before posting. Some are more detailed than others, clearly...

Gotta live up to my username somehow.

We do love to see it.

I love this next one: 😂 CHAOS, SCONEY.

THEN, I wrote this as a very long text to ashspren, when I realized no sconey, this is not going to be under 20k words. LOL.

And then I did A Dumb Thing and I put it on AO3, having absolutely NO CLUE WHERE THE STORY WAS GOING. 😂

This is my favorite heading on the document.

Another one of my favorite notes in there.

This next part wasn’t even divided into chapters yet, it’s just a word vomit. I’m so sorry you have to read this mess.

Hahaha, once upon a time there was angst in this story. 😂

And then I realized my true calling: bakery fluff.

Then and only then, I actually decided to divide into those things called Chapters. This is the point where I made the admission to mr scone (boyfriend, not husband lol, we just call him that) that I write gay fanfiction, whoops, and can he please help me because he’s a HUGE DC comics fan and knows everything. And of course, he was super chill about it, and he did. He really did. He’s the genius behind Egghead!!! And also the entire Mage-Humdrum-Supercomputer/Politics plot. I’m serious. I did none of that.

I can’t even say I’m trying anymore. “Flort”??? I AM LITERALLY NOT TRYING.

Why yes sconey, so very specific. 😂

This is what qualifies as a “good” outline for me, that heading was just for my betas. Isn’t it fabulous to see that some of this actually made it in and I’m capable of planning in advance? 😂

Get ready for the shock of your life, though -- I actually have a SUUUUPER detailed outline for the two finale chapters. Because, well, it’s the finale. Wrapping up loose ends does actually require planning, WHO KNEW. Also I’d been writing and posting for a couple months at this point and it had been several more weeks in quarantine so maybe I’d regained some sense of reality? It’s like two pages but still shittily written, so I’ll just share a couple tidibits.

That bullet point is extraordinarily cracky BUT actually, Baz shooting up from the cloud like an awesome fucking hot dramatic person was one of the very first scenes I envisioned for this fic :D

I hope you enjoyed this glimpse into my writing brain! It’s a terrifying place. I love all of you that say Holding Out For a Hero is a well-crafted masterpiece, but respectfully, no ❤️

(Though I swear I AM super, super happy with how it turned out - it’s still my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Read it here!!!)

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writingformadderton · 4 years

Text

The Book of You and I - Part 5

Ship: Madderton

Word Count: 2,827

Summary: Richard and Taron get along better again after their talk and spend more time with each other. While Richard enjoys the time and introduces Taron to things he liked, Taron starts feeling safe around Richard.

Additional Tags: soft, friendship, fluff, interviews

Dedicated to @taron-eggmcmuffin❤️

Part 4 Part 6

Rich and T stay silent most of the drive back to Taron’s apartment. Richard feels kind of relieved now that Taron knows they used to be a couple and got into the crash together. Taron is glad he finally told him, but his thoughts are racing about how they continue from this point. He liked Rich a lot and he was a real beauty. But he had to get to know him on a whole different level from now on before he could ever consider being with him. Taron doesn’t know if that will ever be the case again because he’s changed. Richard knows it as well. But it gives them a bit of comfort now that they both are on the same page.

“Dexter said we have to finish the interviews we did a couple of weeks ago.” Taron says to break the silence and looks over at him. “I hope the dick from the last time hasn’t published anything so far.”

Rich chuckles softly and nods. “That’s easy to find out.” he stops at a red light and takes out his phone, looking up Taron’s name. He scrolls through some Rocketman cast articles, some about the crash and Taron being back to work. “Nothing here. Probably got cut off by his boss.” he says and smirks a bit.

“Why is it that I don’t believe that?” Taron asks and watches him suspiciously. “You really think his boss stopped him after sending him there with such questions?”

“You never know who kicked his ass.” Richard says and focuses on the street again.

“Richard.” Taron says warningly and Rich looks at him shortly with a grin. It was him. Oh shit. “How did you convince him not do it?”

“I told him more or less nicely to fuck off and not make a story out of this or I would publish how he preys on someone who lost his memory. Which could cost him his job if I put enough pressure on the media about it.” Richard says and shrugs his shoulders. “Imagine people like Elton posting it with his name.” both of them laugh at that thought.

“But I was so mad at you! Why did you still-?” he stops and watches him curiously.

“You had the right to be mad at Dex and me. I told you I wanna protect you and honestly, this asshole needed a kick in the butt.” he states and chuckles a bit.

Taron’s face softens as he looks at him and he smiles a bit. “Thank you.”

“Sure thing.” he says. “How exactly do you wanna handle the interviews that are coming up now?”

“I won’t give any interviews on my own for a long time, I guess.” he says and plays with his hands nervously. “I think they would take advantage of that again.”

“Yeah, probably. Maybe you can team up with Bryce.” Rich suggests, recognizing how well they got along.

“Mm.” T hums and looks out of the window. “Actually, I think it would be better if we did it. Because they’ll still try to find out stuff about us.”

“If that’s what you want, sure.” Richard parks the car and looks over at him. “I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I know it’s not fair. I never wanted to play with your feelings. Just thought it may be easier for you to cope with my presence.”

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Taron giggles and shakes his head. “I don’t know how I used to be, but now I prefer living with the harsh truth over some happy illusions.”

“Got it.” Rich says.

“I still let you drive me home today, right? Because now I know how and with whom it happened.” Taron shrugs his shoulders and yawns a bit. “I need some sleep.” he unbuckles and opens the door. When he closes the door, he signals Rich to let down the window and leans down. “Just be ready for me going on your nerves. You’re my Google about the past.”

“You’re such a dumbass sometimes.” Rich laughs.

“I know. Night, Richie. Get home safe.” he says with a soft smile and takes his keys out of his pocket.

“Night.”

Taron takes a cold shower and puts on sweatpants, but keeps the dark blue sweater on. He’d love to talk to his mum, but it’s almost 1am now. Looking back on today, he lies down and stares at the ceiling. “My life is such a fucking mess.” he mumbles to himself and slips under the blanket. He looks at his bed that’s way too big for himself and suddenly it makes sense. “How the fuck did I end up with Richard fucking Madden?!” he asks himself and buries his face in his hands.

Richard gets home and hops in the shower quickly. Today was way too long, but it was a big step for him and Taron. He’s glad that Taron agreed on talking about it and they had Dex to mediate the conversation in a healthy way. Rich chuckles when he realizes that Dexter left them some space when Taron started crying in his arms.

***********************

Three days later, Richard picks him up again and they drive together to the place where they have to give the interviews. “Okay, what do we talk about and what not?” Rich asks and looks at T.

“We don’t talk about us as a couple, because we aren’t at the moment, right?” Richard nods quickly, thinking about it the same way. “I mean we can say we had some difficulties in the beginning because it was difficult for you to act like you don’t know everything about me already and me getting to know you.”

“You know about the accident and that I was with you. Let’s say we had a very deep connection before the crash and that’s enough for them to know.” Richard suggests and Taron agrees.

T leans back in the seat and looks down at his hands. “Did you recognize how calm I am driving with you?” he asks and looks at Rich.

“Yeah. You’re sitting still and you stopped tapping your fingers nervously.” he says and looks at him shortly. “Is that a permanent thing or -?”

“Definitely not. Cabs and driving with Bryce still make me feel uncomfortable.” Taron laughs nervously and glances at Richard, who’s driving calmly. The only reason they got into this car crash must have been the woman because Richard was the calmest driver he knows. “Must be your driving style. I feel safe when you’re driving.”

Richard lets out a chocked sound and his body tenses. He sets the blinking light and stops at the side of the road. Sinking his head onto the steering wheel, he takes a deep breath.

“Are you okay?” Taron asks slightly confused and sees how pale Richard becomes. “Did I say something wrong?”

“I feel safe when you’re driving is what you said to me two minutes before the crash.” Rich moans.

“Oh shit. I’m sorry.” T says hastily and hesitantly fondles over his hair calmingly.

Rich sits up and shakes his head. “It’s okay.” he breathes out and looks at him with a weak smile. “Just caught me off guard.” he drives back on the road again and continues driving.

“Did you ever have trouble with driving before?” Taron asks curiously. He never seen Richard in such a state.

“Not the driving itself no.” Richard thinks for a moment. “It’s more mentally like in the form of nightmares. I was supposed to have shot a scene a while ago, but yea.”

“Supposed to?”

“Mm. I’m working on this series where I’m playing the bodyguard of a politician and one day their car is under attack. My costars suit was white and covered in blood, just like your shirt. And our driver got shot and sank down, which reminded me of you fainting. Anyways, I panicked and we haven’t tried it again since.” Rich explains and his grip around the steering wheel gets tighter.

“That sounds like shit. I’m sorry, Rich.” Taron says and rubs his arm shortly.

“It’s okay. Keeley took good care of me. I think you two would get along well easily. Again.” he says, knowing they did before the accident, and parks the car in front of the building.

“I’d love to meet her.” T admits.

The pair make their way into the building. Rich and T greet the first interviewer and sit down next to each other. It’s a friendly looking woman who’s in a good mood. “Hey guys. How are you feeling today?”

“Pretty good.” Taron says and smiles brightly at her.

“That’s lovely to hear! I’m sorry if this is too personal but how are you dealing with the new circumstances?”

“It’s okay. I mean it’s strange to not know dear friends anymore or in the beginning when I found out I had two younger sisters. That was like mind blowing.” he giggles a bit and Rich smirks at him. “But somehow I’m glad I don’t have to remember the car crash and how I felt after I hit my head.”

“Nothing you’d like to remember.” Rich agrees.

“Did you two meet before the start of shooting Rocketman? And how was it actually to start over after this long and genuine friendship?”

They look at each other shortly before Taron starts speaking. “It has been really complicated for both of us. He visited me the day after the accident and I couldn’t remember him. So I kicked him out.” Taron laughs weakly and looks at Richard.

“He told me he needed some space, which was what I gave him. Well three months later, we met again but he couldn’t remember our first encounter after the accident.” Richard tells her and looks at T as if to make sure that was okay to say.

“The first month is kind of a blur.” he laughs and looks back at the interviewer. “But after some discussions, we got along quite well.”

“Discussions. Were you two arguing on set?” she asks curiously.

“We’d love to give you some scandal, but there’s non to give you.” Richard says with a smile.

“At least non we’re discussing in public.” Taron says and both laugh.

She smirks a bit while looking down at her questions. “How is time between shoots? You’ve got an amazing cast of people like Jamie Bell and Bryce Dallas Howard next to you.”

“We all get along really well and it’s always fun. Even though during breaks, Rich is the one who likes to chat with others.” Taron answers.

“Yeah. Taron has to stay focused otherwise he’ll get distracted when we start again.” Richard chuckles a bit thinking about it.

“I don’t like noise off camera. I’m so easy to distract, it’s unreal.” T laughs and rubs his face shortly.

“You’ve always been that way.”

“Yeah?” T asks curiously and looks at Richard again.

“Yeah. You could do the best take of the scene so far, but if you heard a noise it was all ruined.” Richard tells him chuckling.

“Learning new things about myself every day.” Taron says and grins into the camera.

“So you seem to have a wonderful cast and team to support you through this.” she smiles at T, who nods.

“Yeah. In the beginning I needed my mum, so I spent a month back home in Wales. Then Dex reached out to me and he helped me a lot considering my start into acting again. I also had some help from some friends where I got a bit star struck again.” Taron blushes a bit while grinning. “I mean one day Colin Firth calls you to ask how you are and the next day you talk to Hugh Jackman. Crazy honestly.” He laughs and looks at Richard again, who watches him listening. “I actually was very nervous about meeting Rich. I didn’t know we were so close for years before. Dex gave me a crash course in things like actors, names, movies and series I should definitely know if I don’t wanna look like an idiot.”

Richard giggles softly and his blue eyes shine brightly. “I wonder what he told you about me.”

“I actually don’t know anything anymore besides Game of Thrones, Robb Stark and piercing blue eyes.” he admits chuckling and shrugs his shoulders. Rich lets out a laugh and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, Richard has to suffer from my nosy ass wanting to know stuff about the past.”

“Well it’s understandable that you wanna know more. No one starts his life, being 29, without knowing how he got there.” The Scottish says, shrugging his shoulders. “The most important thing between us at the moment is honesty and a huge amount of trust on Taron’s side.”

“Would trust you with my life, Richie.” T says softly.

“And it’s a lot to take in especially because I was driving. So it was hard to talk about at first. Me and Dex had to take our time.” Rich answers and they look at each other for a moment. And lie to you.

“That’s called a deep bond, guys.” Their interviewer says with a wide smile on her lips.

“Deep bonding, it is.” Taron chuckles.

“So nice to talk to you guys. Have a great day!” She says and shakes both of their hands.

They leave the room and Richard closes the door looking at Taron. “So?”

“I liked her. She was nice.” he says and smiles a bit. “It was actually fun.”

“Yea.” Rich chuckles and they walk into the backroom. “We have twenty minutes until the next one. Wanna get some coffee?”

And so they find themselves in a coffeeshop a few minutes away from where they had to give interviews. T looks at the large menu and lets out a loud breath. “Oh god I hate it!”

“Huh?” Richard asks confused.

“I don’t know what I liked and what I disliked, so I hate ordering stuff.” he says and giggles a bit.

It’s their turn now and Richard orders something for himself and Taron. He hands the cup to T and pays. “You loved that one.”

“Okay then.” Taron says and opens the cup to blow in air, trying to cool it down a bit. He takes a tiny gulp, trying not to burn himself and he loves the taste. It’s a rather sweet coffee with a hint of vanilla. “Oh my god that’s what I needed.” he moans and takes another gulp. “This should be forbidden. It’s way too good.” Taron mumbles and looks at Richard, who chokes on his own coffee trying to hold back his laughter. “Oh fuck off, Rich! That’s the first coffee I’ve had since I could think clear again and doesn’t taste like shit.”

“It’s the only one you like.” Richard explains him and giggles seeing Taron’s happy eyes.

“Don’t laugh at me.” he pouts and wraps both hands around the cup, enjoying the warmth it gives off.

“Okay I’ll show you something else, but you’ll have to close your eyes.” Richard says and grins at him.

“Stop walking! I won’t close my eyes while I walk with a cup of coffee.” he protests giggling and closes his eyes. He feels Richard’s fingers parting his lips and he gives in laughing. “What are you-?” then Richard pushes something into his mouth and Taron recognizes it as a cookie. It tastes like chocolate and is soft and a bit warm. “You wanna kill me?” he moans and opens his eyes again, chewing on it. Richard just chuckles as he continues walking and Taron follows him quickly. “I think I’m gonna let you choose my food from now on. I wanna know all the tasty shit I loved.”

“That could take a while.” Richard says and gets a confused look from T. “You’re a foodie and you loved a lot. I’m considering not showing you something because you dreamt about that shit.”

“I did what?!” Taron’s eyes widen as he looks at him, and it looks adorable.

“You dreamt about fried chicken that you had on one of your press tours once. Then you woke me up and got on my nerves until I got you some at 3am.”

“Sure I wasn’t pregnant?” he asks teasingly.

“A hundred percent, T.” Rich just laughs and shakes his head at that thought. “Oh god if you were pregnant, you’d be crying non-stop.”

“Why?”

“You’re a quick crier, not only when you’re upset. Someone says something nice or you see something cute and you start crying.” Rich tells him and thinks back at all the times he made Taron cry with simply telling him how amazing he really was.

“Jesus.” T breathes out and looks at him. “Do I really cry that fast?”

“I’ll show you that another time.” Rich promises. Not today, he wouldn’t be able to stay distant then.

@multicoloredchicken @sarahegerton96 @primaba11erina @maddertonmyheart @madderton-obsessed

#taron egerton #Richard Madden #taron x richard #madderton #taron egerton fic #richard madden fic #madderton fic #fluff #soft #friendship #the book of you and i

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allie1804-fan · 4 years

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A Doorway is Opened (Chapter 2)

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It was June 2020 and progress was being made with plans to re-open film production - Keanu would soon be heading back to Germany to continue shooting the Matrix 4. With the lock-down restrictions on meeting friends lifting, Keanu invited Hannah to dinner at his house. He even cooked - a dish of spaghetti with prawns, fresh tomato and lemon that his sister had taught him. This would be their first meeting in 2 months and their last in 2 months due to the shooting schedule.

After dinner, they went through to his living room and sat on the sofa to talk through the latest draft of the script.

“So, you’re glad I pushed you on this aren’t you? Gave you something to do in lock-down huh?”

“Yeah OK you win”, she laughed. “I’m grateful to you for giving me the confidence to try”

She carried on:

“You know these past couple of months I’ve felt like the clouds have lifted, the clouds of grief …. and I know that’s partly just time passing but it’s also thanks to you and your friendship” she spoke in an almost whisper. When she met his gaze he was blushing again!

“The screenplay gave me a real focus for the first time since Mark died you know other than helping the boys and just putting one foot in front of the other”

He nodded his understanding

“I kind of feel like a plant coming back to life after a long dark winter”

He smiled to think he’d helped her to loosen grief’s grip on her soul.

“I heard a theory about this before. They said that your grief is always the same, the same size and just as painful but your life grows around it and cushions the pain”

Keanu nodded his agreement

“For me” he said, “sometimes my grief bursts forth like an alien from my chest when I least expect it. I hope we find a way to express your concept in the movie when it’s made - I love it so much. You have some beautiful ways of explaining grief”

“Well like I said, that one’s not mine, it’s just one I found that really resonated with me”

“You’re too modest”

They looked at each other. Somehow, the atmosphere had changed with the sharing of such deep feelings. Keanu looked at her, soft brown eyes holding hers for a few moments longer than felt comfortable. Suddenly he shook his head as if a shiver went through him

“Where are my manners, would you like some more wine”

“I better not, I’m driving and I’ve already had one glass” she said.

“You could always sleep over, in the spare room I mean, I mean I’m not hitting on you or anything, not that I wouldn’t want to, oh God! ……….”

By this point, Hannah had started laughing at his befuddlement and he started to giggle as well.

“Sorry for being such a dork – could you stay though?” he beseeched her with his eyes, or do you need to be back for the kids?, I know I sound like I’m begging, I kind of am I guess ……….. it would just be nice to talk some more ………. I mean what with we me going away for 2 months, Facetime just isn’t the same!”

Hannah took pity on him and placed her hand on top of his and stroked it softly

“1 I don’t need to be back for the boys, they’re at their grandparents this week and so 2, yes I could sleep over and 3 yes please, more wine!”

Keanu beamed and leapt up to fetch the bottle from the kitchen.

“What were we talking about before I started being a total dork?!

Hannah chuckled “oh grief, death, our usual cheery stuff!”

“Oh yes, of course we were, what else is there after all?!”

A ghost of a smiled showed on Hannah’s face.

“Do you mind telling me some more about Mark? How long were you together”

“Wow, over 30 years - we were just kids when we met, literally in elementary school. But we didn’t go out until I was 17, nearly 18. I guess I kind of stalked him until he caved in! We knew we were in love about a month in I guess and we got engaged whilst at uni but married just after. I was 23 so we had been married 27 years when he died”

“Wow you were so young to be getting married!”

“I know right! - when I think Toby is already nearly that age, it freaks me out big time. Anyway, I guess you almost know the rest, from the book. We were lucky in so many ways to find each other and stay in love throughout.

A comfortable silence fell as she reflected and wondered about his romantic history. She hoped their current intimacy meant it would be OK to ask.

“What about you? Who have been your big loves, if it’s OK to ask”

“Sure – I mean I think I can be confident of not seeing any of this in next week’s National Enquirer! Let me see, errrrm there was Penny. She drove with me from Toronto to LA when I left there to pursue my career. It wasn’t exactly serious - she knew how focussed on my acting I was, but she was special, my first steady girlfriend I guess.”

Keanu then told her about a few other steady girlfriends in the 80’s and early 90s. None of them had lasted beyond a year. Film and promotional schedules often overtook his time and took him away from LA making it hard to sustain relationships.

“And then there was Jennifer. We had a long distance thing largely as I was away filming the first Matrix not long after we hooked up. I think that added in my head to the romance of it all. Writing her letters on my little typewriter after long days on set, posting them from thousands of miles away. Once I got back to LA things felt less sure, she was never confident in us, always needing reassurance and I think she found the celebrity thing both exciting and overwhelming - like she was part way a fan, partly my lover, you know? Then she got pregnant and everything changed”

“Oh so Jennifer was the mother of your baby, the one who died?”

Hannah knew this one fact about him but had steered away from looking stuff up on-line about it. She counted him as a friend now so if anything was to be shared, it had to come from him.

“Yeah, Ava’s mother. 19 years ago…….so much water under the bridge.”

“Do you think about her often now?”

“Who? Jen or Ava?”

“Both I guess”

“Yeah sometimes. You know in a sliding doors type way, especially at Christmas. That’s when we lost Ava. Christmas Eve 1999. What about you, do you think about your lost babies?”

“Yes sometime of course ……. but I think it’s different for me. My lost babies paved the way for Josh. If they’d lived, he wouldn’t be here, so I don’t mourn them as maybe you mourn your daughter, do you see? Of course I do think of them and every Christmas we’d hang stars and angels on the tree for them. That’s how we remembered them and the pain of their loss.”

Hannah was quiet for a few moments, remembering

“Do you have a way, a ritual to remember Ava? Do you and your family do something to remember her?”

“I guess they always just try to make sure I’m not alone at Christmas. That’s threatened to happen a couple of times and then Brenda or Janey or Alexandra have stepped in you know to rescue me! Stop me embodying my meme!”

“Your meme?”

You know, “Sad Keanu”?

“That one must have passed me by! I’ll get the boys to explain to their boomer mom!”

“I’m so glad you’re a boomer mum as you say and not all over it when it comes to press and internet stuff about me. It’s refreshing. Makes me feel I can be me without all that stuff informing who you think I am. Sometimes it gets in the way with new people, you know? I know I can be myself around my old old friends like Alex (he was in Bill and Ted) and Rob (he was in the band with me)

“Wait you were in a band?”

“Yes back in the 90s, Dogstar. Our folk thrash punk band”

“Sounds interesting – I clearly wasn’t paying enough attention back in the 90s!”

“Well we weren’t exactly topping the charts so that would probably explain it!”

“Can I hear some of your stuff?”

“Sure”

Keanu fetched some cds and had a look through to pick a song, going for “And I Pray��.

“Gosh, a man of many talents” she praised “what did you play?”

“the bass”

“Cool”

“wanna listen to some more music? I can hook up my phone to the speakers and we can play things on Spotify”.

“Sure, so you’re au fait with all the new tech? I took me ages to get there and I still have loads of cds and vinyl”

“me too - believe me I’m generally way behind the curve with technology but my god-daughter and my kid sister both played a role in bringing me into the 21st century”

They spent the next couple of hours, huddled on the sofa, scrolling through music choices on his phone and sharing both his and her favourites as well as reminiscing about bands they’d grown up listening to and great concerts they’d been to.

It was around 1am, with Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” softly playing that Hannah’s head lolled onto Keanu’s shoulder, the impact startling her back awake

“sorry, sorry” she said embarrassed

“hey no worries, you wanna go to bed now?” he asked

“Yeah, as you saw, my eyes are closing”

“Come on, let’s get you set up in the guest room, I’ve got a spare t-shirt you can sleep in if you like and there’s a new toothbrush in the en-suite with your room.

The room was a pretty one, perhaps decorated with his god-daughter in mind she thought. Once he’d shown her where things were and how to work the shower, Keanu bade her goodnight with a light kiss on her cheek. Despite being so tired, it took Hannah a good half hour to fall asleep. She touched the cheek where he’d kissed her and giggled inwardly at herself for feeling like a giddy teenager. In the past 2 months, she’d recognised her growing fondness for Keanu, putting it down to a mix of absence making the heart grow fonder and the Covid crisis making her susceptible. She’d found him very attractive way before she met him but she certainly hadn’t expected that he would reciprocate those nascent feelings. Tonight his lingering gaze as they talked about grief, his befuddlement trying to get her to stay and his soft goodnight kiss all made her wonder and maybe even hope. Tomorrow was another day.

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#keanu #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu reeves imagine #fluff #romance #miscarriage #stillbirth #same age

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pitiless-achilles-wept · 4 years

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Lost Weekends: Chemo Progress Report

Hi friends,

I'm writing you from my sofa, where I spend an increasing amount of time (much to the delight of the cat), at the end of my second post-chemo weekend. My last update was a month ago, right after I had done the considerable work of enrolling in the clinical trial at Penn that looks at treatment with chemotherapy and the immunological agent atezolizumab vs. just chemotherapy. My first session was on January 30th and I had a bit of good luck (for a change) and was randomized to the arm of the trial that got both the chemotherapy agent and the immunological agent, rather than the control group! (That's why I look improbably happy about my IV infusion in the attached photo.)

So far, the side effects are pretty tolerable. They don't really show up until days 2 or 3 which, since I go on Thursdays, pretty much means a Lost Weekend to symptoms. There's nausea, but I'm able to manage it with medication, and then there's very intense fatigue. I said to a friend at the outset of this trial that I consider myself a connoisseur of fatigue, having suffered chronic fatigue for years that was bad enough for them to do a bone marrow biopsy to verify that I didn't have cancer. (That's how I know I didn't have it in 2016.) This particular strain of fatigue is both familiar, in that the physical effects are undeniable and demand immediate rest, and unfamiliar because I get foggy-headed in a way I didn't before. Some folks refer to memory and concentration problems they encounter as "chemo brain," but I think this is less intense, more like being sleep deprived or a little sick. Honestly, the whole package is like having a bad flu. It lasts about 5 days and the symptoms are pretty similar. So, not great. But also not the worst. On this study, I go to Penn for treatment every 3 weeks. It takes all day, in part because when you get treated with a drug that's in trials they have to release it from the "experimental pharmacy," a process that can take multiple hours (as it did last Thursday). I'm really glad I only have to go every 3 weeks (plus visits for scans) and not every week, as I was doing before, both because it gives me the opportunity to recover from the side effects and have a bit more of a normal time in between visits. Also, they are a huge pain.

I know that may seem obvious, since chemo is clearly a terrible way to spend a day. But the truth is that it's actually less bad than the exhausting apparatus surrounding the visit. I tend, as usual, to minimize the more distressing aspects, both to myself and others, because it's just what needs to be done and, in a situation as colossally unfair as this one, the inconvenience or annoyance of actually going to the hospital pales in comparison. But, if you're curious, here's what it's like.

A day going to chemo for me starts pretty early since I live about 45 miles from Philadelphia and since I-95 is always terrible. Driving can take anywhere from an hour and ten minutes (without any traffic) to 2+ hours (if there's an accident). So if I'm supposed to check in at 8:30am I have to leave the house ideally by 6:30--which I NEVER manage to do because I have a lifelong hatred of mornings--but definitely before 7:00. This means getting up around 5:30 or 5:45. Again, I know people get up this early all the time, but if you know me you know that I am basically incapable of falling asleep before 1am (unless I'm very sick).

So I set out on this early venture, but not alone. I have an intrepid and sleepy friend with me to drive, both because I'm not allowed to drive myself home and because parking at the hospital is such a nightmare that often I have to hop out at a corner or intersection to make my appointment time. I did, however, learn that you get completely free parking if you get chemo! (This isn't true for other kinds of appointments.) My intrepid friend will meet up with me again in the cancer center and, usually, work remotely throughout the day while we sit in a series of chairs and check in with a series of doctors. I'm really grateful for this company because something that no one tells you about cancer is how incredibly boring it is a lot of the time.

The first medical thing that happens is that the nurses at the "infusion center" (which always sounds more pleasant than it actually is, as though it should come with scented oils) access the port through which they draw blood (usually about 10 tubes of it) and through which I'll receive chemo later. After they collect blood samples, I head to the waiting room for my oncologist, who I have to check in with before I can receive treatment. We have to wait for my blood tests to come back to prove that my body is functioning well enough for me to poison it. That sounds kind of backwards, but basically I have to have baseline body functions that are good enough for me to withstand chemo. (Oh, at some point they also do my vitals--height, weight, blood pressure, heart rate, oxygen saturation--which they'll collect again several times.) I also consult with my oncologist and the study coordinator about any side effects or questions and have a physical exam of the palpable tumors.

Next, assuming my numbers look good, I can check in for chemo. Penn has private rooms, which is different from the infusion center in Princeton. Some of them have lovely views of the city and some are windowless prison cells. I've had one of each. It's just luck of the draw. But I can certainly confirm that having natural light makes a big difference. By this time I've been at the hospital for 2-3 hours. The next phase is the most frustrating, which is waiting for the experimental pharmacy to release the immunological agent, which I have to receive first. The first time it took about 90 minutes, the second almost 3 hours. Once they get that, they can finally start the infusions. I get the immunological agent, followed by pre-meds for chemo (a long-acting anti-nausea drug, a short-acting one, many others to make the process less awful by controlling my reaction), followed by chemo itself. Together, all the infusions take about 3 hours.

My total time at the hospital is something between 6 and 7 hours. The driving, total, is about 3 hours. So, all in all, it's a 9-10 hour day. I often manage to use this as a time to enjoy the company of the friend who goes with me, since how often do you get to spend that much concerted time together? Often one or both of us is working, though increasingly I get spacey enough that I prefer to read, listen to a podcast, or just nap. Once I get home, I usually nap and, hopefully, see another friend who brings by dinner. These little acts of company make the biggest difference to me. I feel somewhat bad, since my exhaustion means I'm not often up for long visits, but just having another person around is tremendously reassuring. Dropping by, or being there while I nap or read, does a lot to break me out of the isolation that I can feel by being trapped so much in the physical symptoms of my treatment experience.

Illness is very isolating and makes you very vulnerable. No one else can endure the treatment for you and, in a way, the pain and discomfort is fundamentally incommunicable. Yet the emotional experience doesn't have to be similarly incommunicable and company (or well wishes) is a major antidote to that risk. So, as I wrap up this post-chemo weekend, I'd like to say thanks for reading and sharing it with me.

Love, Bex

#my life as a cancer patient #medical update #health update #clinical trials #stage 4 #bex writes

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minyoongimoods · 4 years

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My First True Love

A/N : Hi all so this is my first short little sad post on here :) I'm a bit nervous but some people told me to post so here it is. I want to say thank'youu in advance if you read it. If you have any thoughts while reading I'd love to know them, if you have any ideas how to make it better or if you liked it please comment what you liked or what I could change about it 🥺💕

Description : You were in a relationship with Yoongi, a famous rapper known worldwide. You stole his heart and since then you were inseparable. However one split moment change your whole world in two. If you want to find out what happens keep reading, thank'youu.

Start //

He was my first love and I was his.

The relationship. Our relationship it wasn't always bad. There was some amazing times we had spent together. I'm grateful for the 4 years and 6 months of loving, affection and pure happiness he gave me. Ever since that first day we met it was like I was living a fairytale. He did absolutely everything he could to make me feel like I was on cloud nine and I did the same for him. He is mine. No, he was mine.

Our relationship didn't just happen. There was difficulties yes but we worked through them because we wanted nothing more than to be with eachother through the good and bad times. We did long distance for the first 3 years. I still remember all the facetime calls even if it was an 8 hour time difference. He would lose sleep for me and I would for him. All of the early morning and goodnight texts he would send me, the random texts through the day, even if he was busy or not. He prioritised his time for me. He told me that no one is just busy, if someone wants to talk to you then will make time for you. He did exactly that in his busy work schedule. I remembered the good times and the bad where I'd be devastated I couldn't just hold him when I was feeling upset and want nothing more than to lie with my head on his chest hearing his heartbeat and feeling his hands running through my hair. The times when he wanted to hold me too when he was feeling upset. When all I wanted to do was try and make him laugh, or be the shoulder for him to cry on. We got through that for us, together. I remember the first time we facetimed he was so shy and didn't want to show his face half of the time but when he did my heart kept beating so fast. Just seeing him on the other end of my screen made it all worthwhile. His little soft squishy cheeks kept going red and he kept playing with his ears. That's how I knew he was nervous. We were both were at first but I wouldn't have changed it for the world. He kept reading random things out to make me laugh. We really did laugh a lot whenever we facetimed. He made that laughter appear. Nothing compared to when I saw his smile. That gummy smile that I wanted imprinted in my mind. He really was the one person I thought I was going to have a little family with, our babies, dogs, kittens and us being married.

However saying that lying in bed at night, not being on your phone does a lot to your mindset. It makes you think about a lot of things. I often thought about how a lot of people would ask me how I explained my relationship with Yoongi that famous rapper. That's what they used to say. I just giggled about those 3 words because he wasn't that famous rapper to me. He was Yoongi. He was someone who persued his dreams and worked hard for everything good he got in his life.

I knew that I was living an ocean away whereas he was living in South Korea and I was living in the UK so I eventually took a risky decision to move over to where he lived. I got everything sorted. Where I would live, my job and everything else in between. He didn't know I was going to do it but I surprised him. At the time I told his bestfriend Namjoon so he could help me surprise him. I packed up and moved across the world so I could be with him. To hold him, cuddle and kiss him whenever I wanted too. Just like every relationship, parts of it were like hell but we got through it. He made me feel like every moment we spent together I couldn't put it into words. It really was something else. Everytime he complimented me, how his eyes looked like they held the world when he looked into mine. He looked at me like I was his world. At the time I was. He made just the simplest of moments magical and he made me happy at the time. That's all that mattered. However despite all of the good things happening things really started to get rocky when I did move to Korea. I was there about a year and 6 months. I was starting to get settled with living in a different place. Nearly every day I would get people messaging me photos of Yoongi with girls at clubs and events. First it didn't bother me because I knew what his job and life meant. I knew that even though he was pictured and surrounded by these girls but I also knew that I would be the one in his arms at the end of night. I'd be the one to know all of his secrets. I'd be the one to take care of him when he was ill not the others. I knew he would be surrounded by girls but that day it was so different. Damn was it so different. Not even just that day it was the past couple of days leading up to it. The calls and texts were getting less frequent and more one worded answers. I didn't think it was anything at that time. I just thought he was busy. I really wished he was busy. He never reassured me like he always did. He never cuddled me when I was crying thinking I wasn't good enough for him. He never did anything that day. He just ignored me, didn't answer my questions and didn't come after me when I left. Whenever we had a problem we would always sit down and sort it out. That's how we got through the bad times. We worked to make our relationship work. We didn't just give up after the first try. That was the first time I really regretted my decision of moving to be closer to him because that day even though I was with him in the same room as him I felt like I was a million miles away. Remembering that day still breaks my heart into a million tiny shards but when I see him happy. I knew I did it for a reason. He deserved to be happy with or without me by his side. I can tell he is.

That day was one I'll never forget. That day ended a 4 year and 6 month relationship. It started off like any other day as most of these things do. He woke up, did whatever he had to do then woke me up at 8am and made me coffee, before he kissed me with the biggest grin on his stupid beautiful face. The one that showed his perfect gummy smile and the little teeth I loved. I had some news for him that day. A few days before I had found out I was pregnant.

"Baby don't take too long at work today I've got something planned and news for you, so be home by 9 okay?" I told him before he left. He run up to me, grinned, and picked me up. He spun me around and gave me the biggest hug and kiss I've ever had from him then he left for work. I went to work aswell as I'm an foreign English language teacher. I got home at 7pm ready to sort everything out. That day I was planning to tell him that he was going to become a dad. I had made us dinner, spaghetti bolognese our favourite and made him a poem with little baby shoes and the tiniest baby grow I've ever seen along with my pregnancy test in the smallest box I had ever seen in my life. Time went on and before I knew it, it was 10pm. I had tried calling, texting him, literally everything to see when he finished work. I had no reply. It was around midnight when I had a text from Namjoon. We were both close with him. I was grateful for him that day. So he had messaged asking if I knew where Yoongi was and I said no I had been waiting for him since 9pm. He started to get worried as he hadn't come back into work since 11pm. I didn't panic as much as he was just working. No warning signs came to mind. He said he was going to look for him. That was until I recieved 3 texts from Namjoon half an hour later. First it was a photo of Yoongi pictured with a woman, arms around her waist and kissing her on the cheeks like she was his woman instead of me. The next was a photo of him making out with the same woman at his studio and then a text saying that Namjoon had walked in on them having sex. I was heartbroken, devastated and angry all at once. I started to pack all of my belongings into my suitcase, even the little baby things I had planned to tell him. Thankfully for me I didn't bring that much over from my home town. I finished packing around 1am and he came home around 20 past 1. He tried to be all over me when he came in. I pushed him away and he asked what was wrong. I just started at him in disbelief. I asked him where he had been and he gave me the excuse of work had gone over. I couldn't stand the excuses and the fact he was blatantly lying to my face so I showed him the texts I had recieved. He didn't say anything. What could he say? It was there in proof. He didn't deny any part of if, he just stayed silent. That's when I knew it was true. I saw red at that point. I was so heartbroken. Just shattered. It felt like my soul had left my body at that point.

"You're not leaving are you?" He stared at me with devastation in his eyes.

"Give me one fucking reason why I shouldn't leave. Why I shouldn't grab my stuff and walk out this door and never see you again" I spat, vemon clear in my voice.

"Because I love you" he whispered as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

My breath hitched as I stopped dead in my tracks not knowing what to do, what to say, what to think. All the shouting, the hurt, the pain turned into a deafening silence.

"No. How fucking dare you say those 3 words to me, thinking that once you say then then everything will all be okay and dandy and I'll forgive you because it was just a slip up. Well it was a slip up too far." The meaning those 3 words had before made my cheeks glow and smile widen but now makes me feel like there are thorns stuck inside my throat.

"You didn't love me. You loved the fact I was there at your every beck and call. You loved the thrill that you knew I was at home waiting for you to come back. Knowing I would willingly jump into your arms again and love you always. The truth is If you loved me you wouldn't have had sex with another girl. I love you Yoongi. I do, I always have and I always will. I truly did love you more than you could ever realise but I can't stay. I'm sorry" I walked closer to him, the anger that was once in my voice all gone. Just vanished.

"If I stay, I'll keep picturing you with her, your hands over her body and hers over yours. Marking the places that was once mine. Staying would break my heart into pieces every single day" I took a deep breath and said the next sentance that hurt me more to say out loud than to think.

"Yoongi she's got your heart. I can tell. It's okay, you can't help who you fall in love with if you're even in love with her. It's my time to walk away and let you be with her to see how your relationship would go. I see the way you are with her, your smile was bigger than any smile you've had with me. It's not the first time I've seen you pictured with her. If I love you I'll let you go and that's what I'm doing. Isn't it ironic that you're the one who broke my heart and yet I'm the one saying sorry" I chuckled. A heartless laughter with no emotion to mask the pain I felt inside. I sighed then said the 2 words that made my heart break that little bit more.

"Goodbye Yoongi" my voice cracked at the end of the sentance and I knew it was time to go before I would have started saying how I wanted him to work on us, to fight for this relationship so I looked into his eyes one last time making sure to drag it out as much as possible to remember how his eyes glimmered and shined when he looked at me just one last moment longer. I took a few steps over to the bed where he sat, his head in his hands covering his tear stained face. I knelt down so I was at his level, took his face in my hands and pressed our foreheads together. I looked him straight in the eyes. The gloomy dark brown eyes that once shined as bright as the sky when the sun rays hit them was now dark and guilty. The deep dark pools that I could get lost in, I'm now drowning in. My eyes filling up with tears as I looked up and admired the man I loved with every single of my entire being. I gave him one last hug and kiss on the squishy cheeks I once loved. I grabbed my bags and suitcase I had already packed beforehand and took my first steps to the foreseeable future. I said one last thing.

"Just promise me one thing, you won't do the same to the next girl who gives you her heart. Don't leave her wondering or questioning. Love her properly or don't love her at all" and with that I walked out of the door and out of his life forever. No one knew this up until now but I waited a few seconds for him to come after me and beg me to stay in his life. Nothing. He didn't come. 'Come after me' I thought. He never came. So I just did what I do best and fake a smile and walk away.

I can't say it was easy to get over him. Still I don't think I'll ever get over him. Someone who had such an impact on your life you can't forger but what I do know is it hurt like fuck. I had a miscarriage that morning around 9am. I drove myself to the hospital when I started getting pains in my stomach. The nurse told me it was due to stress. I felt numb, I couldn't cry that moment at the hospital but I sure did when I got home. The heartbreaking sobs that came from my mouth filled my apartment. I was pretty sure my neighbor's heard every part of my tears. I didn't know what to think or how I felt. That moment was a blur. He had tried calling and texting me but I got rid of his texts. He contacted me plenty of times I just ignored him. I couldn't go back to him, wondering if he was having sex with another girl if he was out somewhere. The only messaged I responded to was a text asking me if I was pregnant with his baby as Namjoon had told him. I responded saying I had a miscarriage at 9am the morning after the break up. All he said was "I'm sorry" and I replied saying "me too". I stayed in my spare house that I used for my writing and teaching space. I spent many countless nights on my sofa with ice cream, alcohol and sad songs but then after 6 months I saw him on tv with the same girl in the photos. The one he's meant to be with. The media commented on our situation. He told his side but not so many words. The genuine smile he had on his face, I knew it was the right thing to let him go. It's strange, really strange. A couple of months ago I couldn't live my life without him. Now, here I was without him and becoming myself more but my heart was still broken beyond repair. I think the hardest part of leaving him was knowing that no matter how slow I walked, he'd never catch up and come after me.

I used to lie in bed awake, staring at the ceiling. Just wondering if he was truly happy in his life or if he was just like me. Trying to fill the hole in his heart with girls before like I was filling mine with alcohol and sad music now. Or maybe he was missing me like I was missing him. Maybe he would regret the way we ended and came after me begging for the relationship to stay and continue. Or just maybe he was truly in love with the girl he was with now and I was the one who couldn't move on without seeing his face everything I turned. Even though I gave him everything I had, he chose someone else. I couldn't stay. That way was breaking my heart waiting for him to return to my arms again. Awating his warmth that felt like home.

I led awake just starting at my phone wishing for his name to just pop up on my screen and we could fix this whole mess. Weither it be a message or a phone call. I didn't delete his phone number I couldn't bring myself to. I missed his deep voice, the one I could listen to forever. I just wanted to hear him speak about anything and everything even the simplest of things like the weather. I just wanted to hear him because you never really miss someone's voice until they stop calling and you never hear from them again. But in the end he never called and I was just too tired to continue waiting. I knew that no message was also a message.

At the end it doesn't matter how many new haircuts and new makeup looks I try. It doesn't matter how many gyms I join trying to make myself feel better and it doesn't matter how many glasses of alcohol I down and tubs of ice cream I eat because still when the darkness falls on the sky. I still go to bed wondering what went wrong, picking at every little argument or thing I've said that was out of line or how life changes from going happy as can be one minute to feeling dejected and on my own the next. Sometimes in my loneliest moments I even convince myself he will call, text or come to my doorstep looking as worse as me. That we'll both cry and get angry but then forgive and love yet again like we did before. I used to do that before with the past relationships I was in. I used to give them chance after chance after chance but I couldn't do that anymore.

Now I know that after all that happened there will be a day where I can see his photo on my tv or around Korea and not feeling little shards of glass in my body or the gut wrenching pain I felt before. I know that one day all of that will go. That I'll feel okay again and the pieces of my soul he took will slowly but surely come back to me. As a quote by Oscar Wilde said "the heart was made to be broken". I know what he meant. Before, I realised I set myself on fire for someone who only watched me burn down. It took me a while but I realised I'm not burned down. I'm a phoenix rising from the ashes of my old pain. I've grown stronger. I've grown into someone new. I knew it would take time to adjust to life without him. Sometimes people are just better apart than being together because after all we don't need people to get hurt sometimes it's the memories that tear us apart and make us realise what we had before we lost it in a split second decision.

He was my first love but she was his.

#min yoongi #bts #bts army #short story #yoongi x y/n #yoongi x reader #writing #bts scenarios

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galaxy-whiskers · 4 years

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I was tagged by @bailandonorris, thanks!

1. what is the colour of your hair brush?

I have a silver paddle brush which I don’t use very often, a transparent and purple swirly coloured (honestly don’t know how else to describe) afro comb, and a regular black comb.

2. name of a food you never eat?

Tuna, can’t stand it. To be honest, I eat most things if they’re warm, but VERY fussy when it comes to cold food

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

Definitely too hot! I still have a fan on in the winter at night time

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Playing Animal Crossing, tried to catch some tarantulas because Flick is on my island but the dodos don’t seem to want to send me to any decent islands so my mission was unsuccessful

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

That’s a hard one... probably either Cadbury’s marvelous creations with the jelly beans and popping candy, darkmilk, or the one with oreos. Snickers are pretty great too, also Kinder Bueno and just Kinder chocolate in general. Basically, what I’m saying is I love chocolate

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Yes, I went to the London 2012 Olympics to watch show jumping, football and basketball! Have probably been to others? Really want to go to Wimbledon at some point but not sure when I’ll be able to do that. Does dog agility count as sport? Seen it at Crufts multiple times

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

‘Night night curly shoes’ - a goodnight wish for my sweet doggo Ivy

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

I’m a fan of coconut ice cream it has to be said, also honeycomb, and your standard Ben and Jerry’s cookie dough is high up there. Really specifically, the vanilla ice cream from the waffle shop in Cirencester. To be honest, don’t eat much ice cream, not my go-to food choice because I’m lactose intolerant and a lot of it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Has to be good!

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

Some water, absolute health right here (she says drinking her first glass of water all day after about 4 cans of Pepsi Max whoops)

10. do you like your wallet?

I guess so, yes. Could probably do with a slightly more efficient one but it’s decent

11. what was the last thing you ate?

A jazz apple from the fridge. We have no pink ladies which are the favourites but jazz are pretty tasty too

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

No, only virtual ones in Animal Crossing. I haven’t been clothes shopping in so long and doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon

13. last sporting event you watched?

Honestly no idea, since all the sport has been cancelled for a while I can’t think what the last thing would have been. Probably Cheltenham races on the telly back in February or March or whenever it was?

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

The classic, salty cinema popcorn. Honestly the best

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

Strangely, someone from my secondary school who I haven’t ever spoken to over message before. She posted our leavers video on her Instagram and thought I’d message since I’d been looking for that video for y e a r s and sparked a conversation! She never liked me much back in school I don’t think, she was popular and I really wasn’t so I never properly spoke to her. One of my friends had a bit of drama with her, absolutely hated her, but they eventually became best pals. Also her best pal during most of school really didn’t like me for some reason... anyway, had a nice chat, strange how friendly she seems these days

16. ever go camping?

Uhh well... I’ve been 4 times, 2 of which were for D of E and I can safely say I’ve never had a good experience. First time, the people in the tent next to us got arrested at 3AM for drugs or something, second time was my dad’s 40th birthday and my brother didn’t know he was allergic to nuts so eating a cake with mixed nuts on the top didn’t go down well for him... also went to a restaurant on the way there with my granny and got a caterpillar in my salad. Third and fourth times, let’s just say D of E was one of the worst experiences of my life, I’ll leave it at that... would really like to go camping again though to have a good experience, maybe change my mind on it? I don’t know, willing to give it a try

17. do you take vitamins?

I go through phases, sometimes I take them every day, other times I don’t take them for like 3 months

18. do you go to church every sunday?

I used to, but as I got older I slowly went less and less until I didn’t go at all. I lost faith I guess? Kind of didn’t feel I belonged there or believed anymore. I loved singing the hymns and our vicar was an absolute lad, we also got biscuits at the end of each service, but over time I decided it wasn’t right for me to keep going. Pretty much all the people that go to ours are your typical white, posh, probably homophobic and hate children type so that put me off. Also after everything that’s happened in mine and other’s lives, I slowly lost the belief in God. If all of it was true, why would these things happen? I guess also my scientific mind was constantly telling me there’s no proof. I think the only reason I went to begin with was because it was a family thing and as a child I believed pretty much everything that was said

19. do you have a tan?

No, certainly not... used to when I lived in the Caribbean but now I’m pretty much white as a sheet

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

A very difficult one... probably chinese? As much as I love pizza, it’s the same issue as the ice cream

21. do you drink soda with a straw?

Nah not a fan of straws, they taste weird

22. what colour socks do you wear?

ALL THE COLOURS! I own a pair of socks for every outfit to colour co-ordinate, my sock draw is overflowing

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

Strangely, I drive under by quite a bit when no one else is around. It’s the other cars that stress me out and make me go too fast. Also I have a black box so not allowed

24. what terrifies you?

Good question, lots of things... the sea, pools, tbh water in general, heights, rejection, the current impending doom, large open spaces with no walls I can be against, losing everyone I love, the fact that anyone might be secretly talking about me behind my back because they actually hate me, the list goes on but I won’t continue it

25. look to your left what do you see?

An empty Pepsi Max can, a glass of water, some crocodile scissors, my Switch, a cranberry scented candle, and some tiny balls of wool

26. what chore do you hate?

Got to be changing my bed, or washing up when the things have got cold food left on them

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

A throwback to year 8

28. what’s your favourite soda?

Pepsi Max

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

It depends who I’m with

30. who was the last person you talked to?

My mum about a meteor shower and satellites

31. favourite cut of beef?

A random question... I do like a good rump steak

32. last song you listened to?

You Make My Dreams by Hall and Oates because I’m using it in my animation project

33. last book you read?

I’m like part way through Good Omens and have been for quite some time... I have learning difficulties and find reading a lot of effort so don’t read very often

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

No, it’s the kind of thing I’d have expected myself to learn at some point but never did

35. how do you like your coffee?

I don’t like coffee so in the bin

36. favourite pair of shoes?

My multicoloured Vans, got them in the second week of uni and I’ve loved them ever since

37. the time you normally go to bed?

Well, currently it’s around 1AM to go to bed, 3AM to sleep. Used to be around 12/1AM sleep but the lockdown has ruined that

38. the time you normally wake up?

Again, currently it’s around 11:30AM to wake up then 12PM to do things but used to be around 9:30/10AM. To be honest I still sometimes wake up then but I go back to sleep again because I have no reason to exist more than I need

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

Sunrise is always nice to watch, but I don’t like getting up early so definitely sunset, especially when you’re at a restaurant or sitting outside somewhere in the countryside

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

Just the one duvet, but I have a soft fish patterned blanket for when I want something to cuddle with

41. describe your kitchen plates?

We have some plain white ones and some that are white with leaves around the edges. The edges have a ridged pattern and the rims are gold

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I don’t drink so no

43. do you play cards?

Yes, love a good card game!

44. what colour is your car?

It’s very nice Caribbean sea blue. Used to be my mum’s car, it’s her favourite colour

45. can you change a tire?��

I probably could if I had to but can’t say I’ve done it before

46. your favourite province?

I guess that’s counties? Hometown of Gloucestershire is up there, also a fan of Devon. My favourites may have to be Caenarfonshire and Anglesey though after the road trip last year

47. favourite job you’ve had?

Not sure really, I guess it would have to be doing my art commissions

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

The biggest scar I have these days is on my right knuckle between my index and middle finger, it’s very small. I got it from when I was holding a horse still before untacking and he decided that hay was more exciting, caught my hand on a splintered wooden fence and that was that

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

Nothing, I’ve only seen my family and even then it was for a short time. Don’t think I make anyone happy these days ahah

It’s now 3:22AM, that took longer than I expected. ‘I’ll go to sleep early today’ I said but I say that every day. Don’t know why I keep lying to myself.

Anyway, I guess I have to tag someone now, so I tag @duckingpunches !

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redefiningthirtysomething · 4 years

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Ever have a family member that you didn't like? so much so that if they weren't related to you, you would never even consider being their friend? I have one, and that's my little sister. Sad isn't it? It wasn't always this way.

Before I get into why we don't speak, I'm not coming from a place of judgement. I'm nobody to judge, which she doesn't understand. She thinks I judge her, but in all honesty she has made poor Choices and she doesn't take accountability. I decided to set boundaries with her and that makes me "judgy" apparently.

Let's call her Rain. Rain is 5 years younger than me, so that makes her 32. She's the baby of the family and has really taken that title to the next level. This girl has always been the "crazy" one, partying a lot, following bands on tour in Mexico, boy crazy ... always getting her way. That's ok too, as long as she was always being safe. I understood that when she was 18, 19 ... 20. Rain talks a lot of shit for someone who doesn't have their shit together, and I swear it comes back to her each time. Whatever she was talking shit on happens to her.

Anyway, I can go on and on about her crazy childhood and teen years, I could probably write a book about it, time I dont have right now though. I'm just going to jump forward a bit.

2012. She went through a divorce a few years ago from the father of her kids. Very ugly, bitter divorce. Rain has 2 kids, a girl who's 10 and a boy who's 6. Rain got pregnant by a one night stand And they were forced to get married by his parents, they are very religious and felt it was the right thing. I didnt agree with that, but she went ahead and did it. They tried to make the marriage work, they got pregnant again with the boy, hoping it would help them. Rain was fed up though, she hated her life, she wanted to go out and party, be with her friends who were living their lives, but she couldn't. She hated it. She used to live next door to me, we lived in a small apartment in LA and when the neighbors moved we told them to apply for it and they got it. They lived there for about a year until one day Rain decided to leave. She took her kids and they moved in with my mom. Her husband was beside himself, he asked me for advice. I didnt know the ins and outs of the relationship, things are always different behind closed doors right ? She claimed that he beat her, he controlled her, abused her. He claimed she would sneak out to go party and didnt want to care for the kids. A lot of back and forth ... very different stories. So, he stayed in the apartment for about another year before he gave up and filed for divorce. He hoped she would come back, but she was very happy living her new life. She was living rent free and was able to go out, since our mom was home and able to watch the kids. Ok, cool.

Divorce was done and she was free. She started dating, sleeping around ... no judgement, she was single. As long as she was safe. BUT, we found out she moved some guy into my moms condo without my mom knowing. My mom works and travels alot, so it's easy for this to happen. But when my mom found out, she was upset, but didn't do anything about it. I was mad only because she has a little girl and she didn't really know this guy. Ya know? Plus the kids didn't have their own rooms, they slept with her. It was just weird for me. Anyway, couple years later they broke up and he moved out. Then another guy, and another one ... I didn't like the fact that her kids met all these new guys, or that she moved them in. It's like she cant be without a man.

Ex husband fought for 50/50 custody (thank God) and had them on the weekend. Every weekend. Also, ex husband got remarried but Rain doesn't get along with new wife. I wonder why to be honest, I met her and she's nice. I guess it's a territorial thing ? The kids love their stepmom, so that's all that matters.

Ok, now we are in 2018. I'm pregnant with Olivia. We had a falling out for a few months because she stole 2k from our mom. Not cool. They have the same name, so it was easy for her. So I hadn't spoken to her but the day I gave birth she showed up at the hospital. We spoke as if we were never in an argument. It's weird how sisters can do that, right ? I let it go, if mom didn't care why should I. After having Olivia my mom wanted me to stay at her place for 2 weeks so she could help me while I recovered. So, we moved in right after I got out of the hospital. First couple of days were nice, rain was there and was helping with the baby. Her kids were ecstatic to have us there, Bella was having a blast. I had heard of a new boyfriend that she had, but I hadn't yet met. She wanted to take it slow and not introduce him yet. I understand since all the rest were douchbag.

Rain received sad news about an ex boyfriend from high school who had been killed in a hit and run. I remember him, he was the sweetest. They had remained friends over the years so she was devastated. She planned to attend the funeral but didn't want to take her kids. Since I was staying there I offered to watch the kids, I didnt want them to have to go to the funeral.

Side note: I rarely offer to help with her kids because she never shows up the time she says. Also, I used to pick up the kids from school and I had to take them to my place until she got home, usually late and I had to help with homework and dinner. It was hard for us sometimes as we had things to do and we had to take her kids with us. However her kids love us, they say we are the parents they wish they had.

Ok, back to the story. She goes to the funeral.

Day 1: A few hours go by and it's getting later and later. I'm about 5 days post partum, so naturally I'm exhausted. Mom is at work, so we're just at my moms place hanging out. I text her, no response. I text again, no response. I'm starting to worry. I put all the kids to bed and assure the kids they'll see their mom in the morning. Around midnight my phone rings and it's an unknown number. I answered right away since I was worried about rain. It's one of rains old friend from high school who attended the funeral. He says to me that Rain had a lot to drink and was not able to get home. He says to me that she's ok, it was a rough day for all of them and he would bring her home in the morning. I had no choice, so I agreed and we hung up.

(Come to find out later that was her boyfriend on the line, pretending to be a friend from HS, she had left the funeral hours ago)

Day 2: We wake up and we get the kids ready for school. I'm still trying to get used to the new baby while juggling breakfast for the kids. Her kids kept asking about mom, so I told them she was at her best friend's house because it got late. Eli drove all the kids and then left for work. I'm home all day at my moms, had a few visitors wanting to see the baby. No word from Rain yet. No word from Rain all day. Eli picks up all the kids after school and brings them home. We make dinner and play, while attempting to call and text Rain for an answer. Mom is calling Rain leaving voicemails telling her to get her ass home. No call backs and no reply. We all go to bed. Around 2 am I heard my bedroom door open but it was dark and I could not see, I heard keys and the front door close. It took me a minute to get up, post csection, it's hard. Who was here?

Day 3: woke up, its daylight and bright in the house. I go to the kids room, maybe Rain showed up last night, maybe shes asleep. I walk in to see the kids asleep, but no Rain. I walk into her closet and I see stuff has been taken, shoes and clothes. I look for a toothbrush and it's gone. Perfumes, gone. Hmmm did Rain come last night to get her stuff ? I text Rain, now I'm mad. I'm frantically texting her that she better reply and I threaten to call ex husband. Oh? Guess what ? I got a reply. Interesting.

She texted something along the lines of: hey, its Rain. Sorry I haven't texted you. I'm having a rough time with S death. I need some time. I feel so lost. I'm with J at his place (J is her new boyfriend) . Are you ok to watch the kids, I'll be back. I'll text you.

My response: uh, well yea I mean I guess bit what should I tell them ? When are you coming back? Look, I know this is rough so I'll hang on to them until tomorrow, cool ?

I got no response after that, but at least I know she was ok. I updated mom and middle sister and we all felt better but were still shocked about how inconsiderate she was being.

Day 4: no text or phone call at all. We get the kids to school, pick them up, get homework done. Kids shower and go to bed. Her daughter who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time was worried. She was texting her too, I read her messages : mom, please come home. Where are you ?

I was so mad at this point. Her daughter was so worried and slept at the foot of the bed every night waiting for her mom. So Infuriating. I'm still exhausted and in pain.

I get a call from cousin in Florida, at around 10 pm which his time was 1am. He calls me and asks me what's going on? I had not yet told him what was happening so I was wondering what he was referring to. Rain had just called him. She was drunk out of her mind in DTLA in some bar, she was crying and yelling about how she Hates her life, how she Hates being a mom and Hates everything. Cousin told her to calm down and that he would call me to go pick her up in DTLA. We called her back on three way but cousin told me to be quiet. I listened to that mess for 30 minutes before I had to hang up. She was yelling and cussing, she told him NOT to tell me because I'm judgy ass bitch, wanna be perfect mom and I'll talk shit to her.

At this point, I'm over her. How can she do this to her kids? To me ? I'm over here, still freaking bleeding after my delivery, making sure her kids are safe and fed and loved. While she's out partying ? At bars ? I called cousin back and told him that I will not go get her in DTLA.

Day 5: I think this was a Thursday now, we had picked up the kids from school and went to shakeys pizza for dinner. No texts or calls from Rain all day. I was considering calling ex husband since the weekend was getting close. But, I remembered that he lost his weekend privileges for hitting the little boy. I didn't know what to do at this point.

Side note: little boy has behavior issues, he's been held back from kindergarten for his behavior and bad grades. He spit in his step moms face and ex husband hit him with a belt that left a mark. Rain took him to court to get full custody. He didnt lose the kids however, he had to attend parenting and anger management classes, which he did and his case was dismissed.

Day 6: no word yet. I texted her boyfriend and I told him to bring her home. I told him she has worried children. I asked him if he knew she has 2 kids at home. Want to know what his reply was?

Thank you for your concern.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN !!! ??? Really?? A big fat Fuck You. I think at this point my blood pressure rose, I got heated and my neck started to pound. I cried out of frustration and sadness for my niece and nephew. I thought, what if I adopt them ? I thought about bringing them with me to AZ? Ex husband would fight me for them though. I called friends for advice. I asked middle sister for guidance. Everyone told me to report her to child protection services. But I couldn't because of the fear they would take the kids to a foster home. At that time I couldn't take them to my place. It was small and would not meet criteria for 2 extra kids. Nobody could take them if we needed. I prayed about it.

I had my finger in the phone ready to call CPS, but I couldn't do it. My mom begged me not to she begged me to continue to help with the kids until Rain got home. She told me we needed to help her, she was not ok. I didnt call them. I couldn't. I love those kids. I couldn't put them through that.

I texted Rain in one final attempt. I told her she needed to pick up her kids from school and if she did not then I was going to report her. No answer.

Turns out I didnt have to. Daughter spoke to a counselor at school and the school reported it. When Eli went to pick up the kids they did not release them to him, CPS was there. They called me shortly after and asked me what was going on. I explained to them. They called ex husband but since he couldn't take them at the time due to court restrictions they asked his parents to take them. His parents home did not meet criteria and they were taken to a foster care for the night.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I cried that night. I cried so hard. I was so mad. I was infuriated. How can she do this to them ? Did I fail them ? They must have been so scared. I had my new baby in my arms, breastfeeding and crying for those kids when I should have been enjoying every second with Olivia. I went home that night. I couldn't stay at my moms anymore.

Day 7: I wake up in a fog, still upset from the night before. I check my phone and I had a missed call from middle sister. I called her back and she tells me Rain was able to get her kids back last night from CPS and she is at home. How did that happen I ask ? Middle sister said that she thought I called CPS last night and told them it was all a misunderstanding and I was just upset about babysitting for a few hours.

What? I didn't call ...

Someone impersonated me. She had someone call pretending it was me ... that really scared me.

I called my mom and she said yes, Rain has the kids. CPS apparently asked my mom if this was true that Rain had been gone only for a few hours and my mom totally covered for her.

My mom reason behind it was because she doesn't want the kids to go to a foster home.

I didnt speak to my mom for 2 months after that call.

A couple days after that I received a text from Rain and she basically told me off and told me that she can't believe I reported her. I told to her that I did not make the call...but I should have. We completely blocked each other from everything. She told everyone we know, friends and relatives that I reported her. That's fine, I'll take it.

Get this though, this girl can't get it together to save her life. She has now lost custody of the kids to ex husband. After so much drama, her showing up late for drop offs and pick ups, showing up drunk, starting fights with new wife, picking kids up late from school ... ex husband documented everything and he got a video of her drunk at pick up. The kids now live with him in a house and are doing so well. They're so happy. They chose to live with dad. Oh and the things the kids told the judge, so sad. Apparently she doesn't even cook for them. She's allowed visitation every other weekend. She still lives with my mom, has NO job, no goals... she just parties and hangs out with that douch.

My mom was out of town when this court meeting happened and Rain lost the kids, so nobody actually heard why she lost them. Apparently she told mom that it was because of me, that the judge said MY NAME and that I wrote a letter or some bullshit. And my mom question me about it. First of all, so not true, they cant just use my name and say things without me being there, seriously. I wonder about my mom sometimes.

Ex husband allows me to talk to the kids whenever I want. He was the only person who thanked me for keeping his kids safe and loved. And yes he did ask me for help in taking the kids from my sister, but I said no. I decided to stay out of that.

That is something that I will never ever forgive my sister for. What she put me though, my family... and what she put her kids through. I'm not a perfect mom, not at all, but you just dont do that. And although I see her around at gatherings or holidays, we dont speak. She's not there, I completely ignore her. I go about my time with the family. I have a very strong set boundary with her and she knows it.

She knows that I didnt report her but she needs someone to blame. She cant accept her fault, but she knows. We know.

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farfromthstars · 5 years

Text

annual writing self-evaluation

All answers should be about works published in 2018.

tagged by: @sarcathlon, thank you angela <3 <3

i. Optional if applicable: link to last year’s self evaluation:

N/A

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

fallingforyou [hendes]

was hoping i could get lost in your paradise [hendes]

at the end of the road, i see you with me [ziall]

i don’t wanna pretend (that you’re only my friend) [nick x niall]

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear [ziall]

things you said when we were on top of the world [ziall]

things you said when you were drunk [hendes]

things you said when you were scared [nick x niall]

things you said that made me feel like shit [ziall]

things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear [nick x niall]

things you said after you kissed me & things you said with no space between us [nessie]

things you said that slipped out while you were busy with something else [ziall]

things you said after you kissed me [ziall]

things you said when you were crying [nick x niall]

things you said too quietly [nick x niall]

things you said at 1am [ziall]

the best is yet to come [nick x niall]

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

i don’t wanna pretend (that you’re only my friend), because it was my first nick/niall fic and also the first longer fic i worked on in a while, even though i ended up posting it later in the year. plus, i just really like some of the things i wrote for it.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

i wouldn’t say i’m not proud of at the end of the road because it’s the longest thing i’ve written in years and i’m happy with large parts of it, but i’m a little disappointed with myself for having to abandon the big plans i had for it. idk, i wanted to do so much more than what i ended up with? so yeah, the whole writing process could’ve gone better.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

from i don’t wanna pretend (that you’re only my friend):

“Now kiss!” Liv shouts eventually, and Nick and Niall both freeze.

“Yes,” Jane agrees with her daughter though, “take one of those typical couple shots! That’ll be funny in your costumes!”

Liv’s gone over to chanting “kiss, kiss, kiss!” at them, and she’s somehow got a full glass of wine again. Niall bursts out laughing looking at her and then says to Nick, “Let’s just do it.”

“What?” Nick asks incredulously, then lowers his voice even more. “I promised you no snogging.”

“It’s just a little kiss,” he says, “if anything it’ll make us even more believable.”

“What are you waiting for?” Jane asks, and she’s now got a glass again too. “I’m growing roots over here!”

She and Liv cackle and clink glasses and Niall tells them, “he’s just shy in front of you guys! We’re doing it, right, Nick?”

“If you’re sure it’s okay,” Nick whispers, and Niall sighs deeply, grabs Nick’s face between his hands and pulls him into position.

“Yes, I told you,” he says, and closes the distance between them.

He knows immediately why this was a terrible idea. Nick’s lips soften under his, kissing him back, and his arms go around Niall’s back, pulling him closer.

Niall follows blindly, lifting up on his tiptoes and sliding one hand from Nick’s jaw to the back of his head, knocking his hat askew.

This was a terrible idea because Niall’s not gonna be able to stop thinking about this, never in his life, he’s sure of it. It was a terrible idea because he’s gonna want to do it again. Kissing Nick is everything Niall would’ve imagined if he’d ever allowed himself to imagine.

They pull apart, and Nick blinks at him for a few seconds before taking a step back. Niall’s dropped the impressive paper moustache he’d been holding in front of his face for the first few pictures at some point, even though he can’t remember when it happened. He swallows, then turns to Liv and Jane with a grin. “Got any good ones?”

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

oh, i genuinely love every single one of them, my heart literally jumps every time i get an email notification about a comment on one of my fics :’) @sarcathlon and @queerlyalex are particularly good at picking out things they liked which i LOVE, ao3 user musiciansfriend (who are youuu) comments on like everything i write and is just wonderful, but honestly? every comment is my favourite

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

most of it? lol (no but there was this time when i was unemployed and travelling lots for 3 months and every time i sat down to write there was just. nothing.)

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

probably nick, actually. he’s made appearances in my fics before but never as a main character and it’s been so much fun figuring out how to write him

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i hope i learn something new with everything i write but idk if i grew...maybe in my determination to write despite the writer’s block

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

finally move past the writer’s block that’s been hanging over my head for two years. improve my show-don’t-tell. write more unpredictably.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

well, @thinkimfromspace is the reason i finished my longest fic of the year, and @spaceziall is the best cheerleader i could ask for, @sarcathlon boosts my ego in the nicest way. every person who comments on fics or encourages me while i’m writing or when i’m gearing up to do so (includes headcanoning with @mustbeseeingblind @actualhumansunshine and @hiatusniall among others) has been a positive influence, and i wouldn’t be able to do it without you <3

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

my anxiety almost inevitably shows up in all my niall characterisations, and maybe the uncertainty about the future in at the end of the road?

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

i don’t think i’ve ever had any wisdom to share skhfjd

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

always, and very rarely planned. i have a hendes AU in the works that i really want to finish, and everything else is probably just gonna happen someway. my inspiration strikes very randomly lol

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@spaceziall @hiatusniall and @theflicker, but also anyone else who writes and wants to do this

#apparently today is the day i do these writing things #oh well here we go #the gist of this is that i'm incredibly thankful to anyone who's ever said a nice word about my writing thank you so much <3 #tag meme #p #annual writing self-evaluation

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bambyeol · 6 years

Text

This Band (p.8)

B.A.M SEQUEL now updating daily!

pairing/s: band! park jihoon x oc ; band! bae jinyoung x oc ; doctor! hwang minhyun x oc

character/s: park jihoon, park woojin, bae jinyoung, ong seongwoo, kim jaehwan, ha sungwoon, lai guanlin, kang daniel, yoon jisung, hwang minhyun

genre: angst, fluff, music (band)

summary: never date your band mate.

warning : a sequel so I’d appreciate it if you’ll read B.A.M first. though you can always live dangerously and read this immediately.

This Band (p.1) This Band (p.2) This Band (p.3) This Band (p.4) This Band (p.5) This Band (p.6) This Band (p.7) This Band (p.9) This Band (p.10) This Band (p.11) This Band (p.12) This Band (p.13) This Band (p.14) This Band (p15) This Band (final)

B.A.M p1 // B.A.M p2 // B.A.M p3 // B.A.M final

wanna one masterlist

song inspiration: Sick by Got7

Now that you leave me and whatever you do

I hope that you think of me

That your days without me

Are as sad as mine

---

The following week, the chaos over the upcoming reunion was increasing without limit. There were speculations that the previous controversy surrounding the ex-lovers was merely a publicity stunt to put the reunion in the radar of the public’s attention. Although, this accusation was not enough to stifle the thrill over the December event.

Social media was blowing up with fans predicting the exact date and venue, broadcasting stations were promoting the event every chance they got, and old BAM songs have even made their return on radio countdowns. Some have thought up their own dream reunion setlists and boosted BAM songs back up into the charts. Needless to say, it was going to be bigger than they all anticipated.

The Underground housed the rehearsals for the whole month leading up to the big day. Plastered on the walls of the small event space were snapshots of their early days as BAM and the members tirelessly stared at these bits and pieces of memory as they waited for everyone else to arrive for the concert planning process.

Jaehwan bustles into the Underground all disheveled, making his way to the side of the room without looking at the members due to his rush.

“Guys, sorry I’m late, I spent too much time in the shower wondering how I’ll act with Jihoon and Riseul in one room--”

“Hyung, relax.” Jihoon piped up from behind the amplifier, shrugging and pointing to Riseul who arrived way before anyone did.

“You look more tense than we are.” Riseul chimed in to lighten up the mood. She then brushed off Jaehwan’s dumbfounded stare and stood up, signalling the commencement of their first ever production meeting.

“So, the management informed me that all we need to worry about is our setlist and promotions. Everything else from styling to lighting and other equipment would be taken care of.” Sungwoon announced in a rather professional atmosphere, setting the tone of the discussion perfectly.

“What do we have so far?” Seongwoo asked.

“A blank setlist and thousands of excited fans.” Woojin threw his arms up sarcastically and flailed his arms around in mock excitement.

“Well, we better start filling that list up now.” Jisung, the trustworthy leader, clapped multiple times to make sure he’s got everyone’s eyes and ears.

“Already on it. I’m on randomizer.com, now if you could just enumerate all our songs from day one.” Baejin whipped out his phone, beginning to type up song titles to feed into the raffle website.

“Jinyoung, you’re really taking after me.” Grabbing a seat from the nearby table, Seongwoo sat beside Baejin, taking no notice of the disapproving glances of the other members.

“Yah, yah. Guys. You’re telling me that we’re putting our fate in the hands of the internet? I think we’ve done too much of that these days,” Woojin slumped into his seat, showing disagreement.

“Our supporters are already creating their own dream setlists so we can look at those to get an idea of what they want to hear most.” Jaehwan sat on the floor and opened his laptop, redirecting to an online music chart and some blog posts written by their listeners.

“I know it’s a reunion concert but I think the audience would really be psyched to hear a new song or two. If that doesn’t make things too hectic.” Riseul proposed, scanning the members faces to see if they approve with the extra work.

Sungwoon, Jaehwan and Jisung were almost immediately won over by this idea but the others took turns and expressed their concerns over the time frame and the composition process itself.

Riseul notices Jihoon nodding along as she further explains her request, visibly weighing the pluses of coming back with new music at the end of the year.

“I think that’s a great idea. After all, it’ll be touching to write a song solely about reuniting. That boosts the emotional impact on the fans.” The convincing tinge in Jihoon’s voice along with that bit about making much more of a mark on the fans made the others nod as well.

“It might be possible. I mean, unlike before we have more hands and minds now.” Riseul’s response seemed to do the last push.

“It’s settled then? We’ll make a bomb setlist before we go home today and start working on the new songs starting tomorrow. Overnight is enough to get our thoughts in order?” Jisung finalized the plan to conclude the informal voting.

“Yep!” They said in unison and gathered closer to get into today’s business. Growing up has indeed made them more systematic and professional in their dealings. They knew in that moment that going beyond the expectations of the audience was what would make this reunion as explosive as it has been made out to be.

They all sat in a circle, each holding either their own instrument or their phones, all set to create.

Riseul sat between Jaehwan and Guanlin, directly in front of Jihoon to whom she smiled to for supporting her stand on adding to the setlist. He smiled back and turned to his phone with his cheeks frozen to the same stretch.

As a tease to Jaehwan’s grand entrance a few minutes ago, Riseul leaned to her side and whispered, “See, this isn’t so tense isn’t it?”

Jaehwan blocked his ears. “Don’t rub it in.” ---

“Yah. It really feels like I’m back in time.” Woojin stretched his arms after settling in his seat. It was 1am and with proddings from the youngest Baejin, the whole band was now sitting around a long table at a barbecue restaurant, throats still strained from rehearsal yet ready for a long night of drinking. Tonight they were back to being a simple group of friends in their youth; not a famous band nor individuals who were separated for several years.

It took some time to ease the tension between all of them when rehearsals for their reunion concert started. Apparently, not only Jaehwan felt a tinge of awkwardness brought by the two. But a few sets later, they were all reminiscing about their first ever gigs, the contests won and the countless songs composed, all of them apparently adhering to a silent agreement not to mention anything about the recent controversies nor the past relationships.

“The difference is that we can all drink now.” Baejin pumped his fists in the air and looked up, followed by cheers from the rest of the band.

“But you still act like a child, Baejin-ah.” Seongwoo pushed the younger man’s arm down and tapped him on the top of his head.

“Yah, say that to me when I have to drag your drunk ass back home.”

“Okay, okay. Everything’s on me. Order up!” Sungwoon announced as he stood up to wave over the server.

More cheers erupted from the group as everyone picked a dish and a drink of their choice. At the corner of the table Jihoon and Riseul sat facing each other.

Throughout their rehearsals, Jihoon and Riseul felt more and more at ease. The warmth was coming back, or it was there temporarily anyway. They’ve shared some glances and some smiles, although reluctantly, scolding themselves afterwards. But they end up repeating the actions anyway. They glance up as familiar lyrics come up, one-liners they remembered they thought up together. They glance up as difficult notes were hit, their eyes expressing a tap on the shoulder.

“Beer for you?” Jihoon asked, earning a nod from Riseul.

“And soju for you?” he smiled at the mimicked response, tone and all, and nodded back.

“Soju for everyone!” Jaehwan, seated near the ex-lovers, tapped the shot glasses with his chopsticks and got everyone’s attention before they noticed the exchange at the corner of the table. In a while, alcohol will take over their systems and the mindless teasing will inevitably start. Where that will lead, it’s probably best not to know.

The orders arrived as the conversations continued. The two wordlessly predicting and subtly observing what dish will end up on each other’s plates. It surprised both of them how much they remember about each other’s tastes.

He eats everything but he can’t handle too much spice.

She loves garlic. Maybe a little too much.

“Riseul-ah, you love this, right?” Jihoon got a little too over-excited at the sight of the steaming tofu stew placed in front of them. Without thinking twice, he grabbed Riseul’s empty bowl and started ladling some of the stew onto it.. “Here, while it’s still hot.” He said, eagerly looking at her and gesturing for her to try it out.

“Huh--Oh, yeah. Thanks…”

“Jihoon-ah, last time I checked Riseul had hands of her own…” Seongwoo nudged him multiple times with the sole purpose of annoying him.

“You’re already drunk? You’re the weakest, hyung.” The eagerness gone from his eyes in a split second, he pushed Seongwoo aside jokingly and went back to eating. He sees a meat jeon that was not on his plate before.

“It’s your favorite.” Riseul mutters without looking at him directly and took a swig from her mug.

Maybe it’s the atmosphere or maybe it was the alcohol slowly getting into their systems that’s making them take such bold steps like this. Or maybe it was their inner consciousness, in all its genuineness, trying to make its way out. It felt good somehow, pretending nothing was ever wrong between them. It felt good to have that fluttering feeling again; the feeling that someone was looking at you admiringly from your peripheral view. It felt secure. It felt familiar.

“I see your tolerance is still as high as ever.”

“Uh-huh. Sad to say, yours is still at an all-time low.” Riseul proudly jutted out her chin and stuck out her tongue at Jihoon.

It was already a couple of hours past midnight and most of them were already out of it. Jaehwan and Sungwoon can be heard singing their hearts out at the coin-powered karaoke machines, while the younger members were in the middle of a pointless contest of who could consume the most soju with chopsticks.

“It became a habit I guess?” Jihoon shrugged.

“Being a weak-ass became a habit?”

“No, not that!” Jihoon just shook his head at how silly she was acting. Nonetheless, he finished getting his point across. “Drinking little became a habit. Because I always had to take care of you back then.”

“For the record, I never black out when I drink. All I become is a bit tipsy and nothing more. Totally self-aware. So you really didn’t need to worry that much.”

“Ey. I was just doing my job as--”

“Hyung, noona, we’re playing never have I ever, want to join?” a flush-faced Baejin called out, cutting Jihoon off mid-sentence, and pulled his chair nearer the pair. “You know how it works right?”

“Just put a finger down when you’ve done what the other person tells you. We’ll go clockwise.”

“Person with the most fingers down by the end of the game should give us a consequence.”

Guanlin and Seongwoo took turns explaining and eventually everyone around the table except for Jaehwan and Sungwoon, who were still at it straining their throats, had their fingers up, either forced or willing to participate in the supposedly lighthearted drinking game.

“First! Seongwoo-hyung, never have I ever had to flirt with a lady to get my drums repaired for free.”

“That’s strangely specific! Yah!”

“Riseul-ah, never have I ever been friends with someone who has pink hair.”

“Seriously?! Remember when you had pink hair?”

“Guanlin-ah, never have I ever been to America.”

“That’s really lame, hyung.” Guanlin put a finger down followed by a roll of his eyes.

And as more fingers went down, the players started decreasing as well. The restaurant was filled with their laughter and banter mostly from Seongwoo who was the first to be eliminated.

“You better not give me a consequence that involves public humiliation.”

“But isn’t that the point of it all?” Riseul shrugged and put on her pretend thinking face to tease the losing player.

“Ah! I won! In your face, Baejin-hyung!”

“Yah, I’m still older than you!”

Guanlin and Baejin, who were the last players, noisily settled their childish conflict and ended up teaming together to give Seongwoo “the worst possible consequence in the history of consequences.”

Their night ended as each of them tapped out, deciding too late that it was probably best not to stay out until the sun begins to rise again. Their game was long over and Seongwoo has done his dare (with much delight from his tipsy younger members).

But a particular boy was not yet done asking for answers.

Before all of them could file out of the restaurant, Jihoon gently held both of Riseul’s wrists, pulling them to make her palms face him. With Riseul’s fingers now outstretched in front of him, he mirrored her, their palms almost touching.

The question Jihoon was about to ask has been stuck on the back of his mind ever since he first saw her again. It was wishful thinking, selfish even; he’s been hoping that she never had eyes for anyone after their separation. He thought knowing this would once and for all ease a fraction of his insecurities. Or worsen them if it goes the other way.

It certainly has crossed his mind that Riseul deserves someone better than him after all. Someone who did not hold her back. But he didn’t have the guts to concede and admit this to himself. Deep inside he believed that their story was meant to continue.

“Never have I ever….dated anyone after you.”

All of Jihoon’s fingers stayed upright. He looked straight into Riseul’s eyes, with a soft and expectant expression. There was a long pause in which none of them spoke and even their breaths seemed like they were on hold. But just as Jihoon’s hopes were skyrocketing...She’s not putting any fingers down...Riseul finally let go of the heavy breath and slowly folded her thumb in.

“I have.”

“I see…” Jihoon looked down and coughed as if doing this would brush away the warmth slowly creeping up his face.

Riseul nudged Jihoon’s hands with her own and eyed his still outstretched fingers, nodding to signal him to continue. She, too, was waiting for a response: a simple movement from his fingers or the lack of it.

“I haven’t.”

“Ah. Is that so…” With her hands now back to her sides, she decided to try and probe further. Despite her already knowing what he was about to utter. “Why not?”

“Because I couldn’t...I still can’t.”

Riseul started to say something but closed her mouth just as soon as she opened it, stopping to think twice about letting this conversation flow on. But Jihoon took care of that for her, leaving his words hanging vaguely in the air around both of them and saying his goodbyes without any further explanations.

“Go home safely. See you in rehearsals.”

“See you. Be safe.”

They asked questions and it left them with more.

---

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katbot · 5 years

Text

Jessie’s Girl

This week’s Thirsty Thursday is a back-to-back feature after a two month hiatus. It consists of two men with the same name and polar opposite experiences.

“I can't work out tomorrow— or the rest of the week. I’ve got back to back dates."

I’m at impromptu gym sesh with my friend Dom before we head to our weekly pub meetup.

“Okay no problem? Switch machines?"

"Yeah. But wait-- get this…” I pause for dramatic effect

“Both guys— are named Jesse.”  

“You’re kidding.”

  “Nope... and I gotta admit...” I slide onto the seat and adjust the machine for my short legs.

  “What?”  

“My mum’s name is Jessie.”

xxx

It’s Wednesday, and I’m making my way to Hell’s Kitchen.

Tonight is Jesse 2— the self-proclaimed Miller lite alcoholic.  I’m judging slightly but let’s be honest, I’ll take any kind of alcoholic.   

It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I did a two-month stint with K, which was more awkward than fun.

  It ended amicably. Sometimes someone falls asleep during a screening of THE HOLY MOUNTAIN, and you just know not they're not the one.

 Also, fuck the outdoors. 

I’m meeting J2 at On the Rocks, an intimate bourbon bar with great lighting. 

He arrives a minute after me, in fact I’m pretty sure he was right behind me on the sidewalk.

 He’s cute— very nerd chic. But extremely nervous.  

He orders an IPA, I get a Hendricks double. 

He’s so shy. We’re twenty minutes in and he can barely look me in the eye.

I feel like a zoo keeper, prodding for conversation.  

Where are you from? 

Colorado. 

How long have you been here? 

Two years.

What do you do?

 Film.

J2 finally seems to relax around his third beer, he's going on about the difference between hardcore and punk music  .

It’s a scene I’ve dipped my foot into, but never really cared for. It’s a relief that he’s finally passionate about a topic.

He pays the entire tab when I’m in the bathroom

I’m aching to end my dry spell, so I’m contemplating fucking him when he suddenly suggest going to another bar.

This time I pick a semi fratty pub around the corner. We grab a booth with a Ms.PacMan arcade table.

I’m entering tipsy when J2 is basically drunk.  

He refuses to believe that I’ve never been shy or insecure.

I’m rolling my eyes when he tries to “catch me in a lie.”  

J2: My worst fear is public speaking. What’s yours?  

TV: Fire.  

J2: No way. I don’t believe that

What’s up will all these insecure guys? 

TV: Okay. Fire and my parents dying soon.

  He’s trying to argue with me when I cut him off.

“Listen I get the whole anxiety thing but not everyone is built like that. I acknowledge and recognize you. But personally, I just don’t get it.”  

He seems to accept it after two more minutes of back and forth.

Finally.  

We tumble into video games and he seems to relax again.  

Mid-Chrono Trigger spiel, he asks “Would you like to go home with me?”

  “Yeah sure. Why not. Are you good for it though?”   I’m referring to his pint of water sitting next to my Brooklyn Lager.

“Yeah! I promise!”

The train ride is unbearable and when he asks if I’m a PDA person I wonder if I made a mistake. It’s nice that he asked but so very Post #Metoo.  .

  His apartment is old but cute. His room is a bit bizarre. It’s looks as if he’s just moved in, but he’s been in New York for 2 years.

He’s making out with me like a teenager boy, and when he frantically starts taking of hiss clothes I ask, “When was the last time you had sex?”

He doesn’t even need to open his mouth to answer, he’s blush does it for him.

  He begins to go down on me and after 3 minutes I sternly hiss-whisper, “Will you just fuck me??”  It last about four seconds when he suddenly says he can’t

…..  Who does whisky dick hurt?  Everyone.  

He’s apologizing the whole time as I get dressed.

  “It’s not you. You’re not the prob-“   I scoff before he can finish the word.

“Yeah, of course I’m not. Listen...”  I’m slipping my boots on telling him it’s normal.

“Whiskydickhappenstoeveryone.It’s nothingtobeashamedabout.Don’tworry.”

It comes out in one entire breath like a memorized speech, I’ve entered my sex educator mode also I seriously don’t care

I’m mapping my way back home while he seems to be having a mental dick breakdown on his couch

I don't have time for this.

“Yeah... I’m just gonna... gooooooo.. sooooo” I let myself out and hit the sidewalk laughing.

  Good god. What a waste of a condom.  

Lessons learned:

Pull out my condoms on the second round to avoid waste.

Anyone that only drinks light beer probably isn’t for me

Encounter Rating: 4/10

App: Tinder

xxx

Jesse1’s opening line hits 2/5 of my check boxes.

Bumping into natives on any dating app is a mutual fresh breath of air.

An oasis in the transplant dessert.

We spit a few bars about hockey, growing up in Queens, and the scripted dates we've had with newbie New Yorkers.

"I'm so tired of having the same damn conversations about their so not unique experiences"

Good god. That hits too close to home. Lately, I've been dating so many foreigners.

It's Groundhog Day with different accents.

I decide to pull the trigger and invite him out to the first Islanders/Rangers game of the season. He picks a Rangers bar by my office, saying he'll meet me at puck drop.

***

I'm barside in front of BIGGEST tv I have ever watched hockey on. It's incredible to be able to see the puck without squinting.

The Islanders are tied with the Rangers when someone comes up behind me.

“Tessie?”

He's cute, blonde, and channeling a very lumberjack look.

It isn't until intermission that I actually get involved -- in fact I'm kind of annoyed he's doing more talking than watching.

At the end of the first period, I flag down the bartender to refill my gin. As I put my finger up, J1 cuts me off with a "Can you put that on my tab please?"

I AM SHOCKED.

Through intermission, we find out that we have a lot in common.

We’re both alumni’s of the catholic school circuit.

When he tells me he knows my school AND his sister attended both my alma maters...I absolutely lose my shit.

We swap stories about fucked up school experiences, and about each other’s school reputation.

“Do you remember when they banned skirts?”

“Yes!!!! It just made everything worse. Girls tailored their pants to show off every curve of their butt!!”

Being able to make references to old bars, obscure landmarks only relevant to natives, and deep Queens bus lines is refreshing. It’s like talking to an old neighbour.

We’re squealing and laughing straight through the last ten minutes of the third period.

Meanwhile, the Islanders have been murdering the Rangers.

“Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“You want to go drink that off?”

***

Weather Up is busier than expected despite the snow piling up outside.

We grab a table in the back and he tries to guess what cocktail I’ll get. A challenge my friends like to play a lot. We get the same drink with different spirits.

Me gin.

Him vodka.

The conversation continues to flow naturally and when the waiter comes back and I’m laughing too hard to order— I know I’m drunk.

How did this happen?!

“Ooh! Oh gosh.” I finally get a breath out between bounds of laughter “I’m having such a great time. I would love to see you again if you’re down.”

He agrees, “I’m just talking so much. I want to hear more about Tessie next time!”

We’re smiling at each other like idiots when the waiter comes back with our check.

“I would love to see you again too...I’m going to my friend’s show on Sunday. It’s in Gowanus, would y—“

I cut him off before my brain can process all the details “YES!”

It isn’t until he ask me if I’m sure that I truly realise what I’ve agreed to. “Are you sure? That’s a long commute for you.”

The fact that he knows that and ask to confirm makes me extra sure.

“Yessss. It’ll be fun. I’d love to go.”

We fight over the bill and who will walk whom to the train. I eventually win because his walk grants us more time together.

The wind is so intense, J1 links arms with me keep me from falling over.

When we make it to his station, the warm lights from my office building paint the street like a spotlight.

“I didn’t expect that have so much fun tonight.”

“Yeah. Me too...like that was great.”

We’re staring into each other’s eyes AND I’m Still surprised when he pulls my scarf away from mouth and leans down to kiss me.

I don’t know how much time passes when I finally pull away.

I DO have to be here in less that 6 hours.

“Text me when you’re home.”

He descends down the stairs and I’m swooning.

Nobody ever ASKS ME to do THAT!

At 1am, I’m tucked into bed and shoot a I’m home text. He surprises me, texting back immediately.

Thank you! I had a great time, glad you got home safe.

It’s three am when I can finally will my giddiness away. My eyes are just about to close when the reality sets in.

Holy shit, I’m going out on a Sunday….TO GOWANUS.

Lessons Learned: N/A Encounter rating: 9.8/10 🏆 Trophies earned:

First Queens Native

First Subway Station kiss

First time a 2nd date was planned during the first.

#kdd #new york city dating #nyc dating #sex diaries #the cut

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kirin-jindosh · 6 years

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A Decade Gone Ch. 6

Note: This chapter will be very Kirin-centered. ((Thank AskForDoodles for the inspiration)). It’ll still be reader insert, but from Kirin’s perspective! So…kind of third person omnipresent?? Not really?? Kind of?? Also this is the first time I’ve not posted at 1AM so that’s good.

TW: Mentions of torture, Kirin’s psychopathic tendencies, manipulation

If he were to be completely honest with himself, this might have been the first time in years where he had no idea what he was doing. Yes, of course he knew he was working on perfecting the clockworks and he knew he had to speed up production somehow. He knew the plans with Delilah, what would come into play in just a few short months, what that meant for the empire. His objectives were clear, that was true, but it had been ages since he’d dabbled in his own personal life.

The typical inventor spent almost 95% percent of their time focused on their work. This was just a fact he had observed working alongside Sokolov and Joplin, as well as reading about Roseburrow and, more recently, Hypatia. He had applied this notion in his own life and found it to be the most efficient way to get work done. Let historians say that Kirin Jindosh was chiefly devoted to his work.

And, really, it hadn’t been an issue until quite recently.

Looking back, perhaps he had been mistaken in sparing you. He hadn’t told you yet—and now likely never would—but if any other servant had laid a hand on him like that, he would have gutted them alive without an anesthetic. He had no problem whatsoever when it came to killing—a sadistic part of him enjoyed it thoroughly. But, with you, he had taken a chance and was only just beginning to regret it.

What he had told you had not been completely true, though he had seen something in you on that fateful day that he had been living without his whole life. You were not exactly at his level of intelligence but that was to be expected—he was a genius beyond his time. Nevertheless, you had been able to make the impression of an individual with much more to offer than most would think. He had humored that and followed his instincts—yet the truth was, he had never intended to let you live for more than a few weeks.

His initial plan was to break you. To see that light fade from your eyes similar to death, but not quite. He had had several plans such as overloading you with work and demands and perhaps even making you stand by and watch dissections or something of the like. Kirin had taken great satisfaction in the very idea, frequently giggling to himself as he worked just at the thought.

But then, you had gone and opened your mouth again. Only three weeks after you had started working for him, he’d found you in his gallery. You had been hard at work; it was a wonder you weren’t able to hear the panels of the bridge folding down or his footsteps as he’d walked down the path to the glass door. He had watched you for a moment, his thoughts consisting mostly of what he planned to do next—should he tell you he had spotted a stain and to start mopping all over again? Should he request that you scrub the floors manually with a rag on your hands and knees?

But the longer he stared the more he noticed that you were deep in thought. Damn his own curiosity; he had never been the type to go in for the kill when he had the chance. Toying with people was so much more fun to him. That was why he let intruders roam about, taunting them over the sound systems. He was partial to the thrill of the chase.

And that day, he had been as well. In part, he was a little embarrassed to find that you were intelligent. His initial attraction to you had been that you had a spirit to break and he had been so utterly bored at that point. But after you had confessed that you had studied and taken interest in education, he had let go of himself a little too much and actually wanted to learn more, if only for a moment. He remembers thinking, “I can’t believe I didn’t see it. Of course there was something more there that caught my eye.” He should have seen it in the way you held yourself and the manor with which you spoke—you were a learned individual.

Shaking himself free of the conversation had taken more effort than he cared to admit. He had swiftly changed the topic back to the arrangement he had made with you in an attempt to remind himself what he had in store—the things he wanted to do to you.

“It’s such a long time and I’m not known for being a amicable employer. You might grow to hate me.” He had said this with a collection of vile thoughts in his mind.

But you had stood your ground to him and retorted, “Hating you would not very professional. Now if you’ll excuse me, I don’t want to distract you from your work any longer.”

And he had just … stared at you as you left. He couldn’t think of anything to say back to you. How could you not be even the least bit intimidated by him—he was Kirin Jindosh, damn it. He crafted the greatest weapons of the empire out of the inner workings of his own mind and you weren’t even the least bit concerned with standing up to him?

He had tried, at that very moment, to reassess you. Perhaps he had gotten something wrong in his initial analysis? Were you not who he thought you to be?

Shortly after you had left him standing there in the gallery, he had stormed back to his lab. He didn’t like being wrong, not about anything. How dare you surprise him like that!

His anger should have fueled his desire to torturing you, but it couldn’t. The reason he was so angry was because he knew he couldn’t gain anything out of tormenting you; he now knew you would not react the way he had hypothesized so what was the point?

And yet, here he was with a newly hired maid roaming his house expecting him to make a move at any second that would explain his intentions. But now, even he couldn’t comprehend why he kept you here.

In truth, he thought about sending you home after that day in the gallery.

After all, he was busy and needed to focus on the Duke’s demands. In part, he spent that time with you in order to have an excuse whenever Luca came asking about the production. It would be much easier for him to explain he was taking some time away to clear his mind.

But you always ended up doing the opposite of that, which landed him in predicaments such as the one he was in right now.

He had dismissed you from the office, watching you unsteadily stand from his desk, curtsey, and leave. Almost immediately after you vanished from his sight and he heard the elevator chime, he let out a shaky breath and nearly collapsed in his desk chair. What was that?

Kirin was the sort of man that enjoyed planning things. He built this house from the very blueprints he had sketched up. He planned where to place clockworks in case of intruders. He even thought about the placement of his desk so that he could be aware of his surroundings at all times. But he had not planned for this. He hadn’t planned for you at all.

Where did it start, really? Was it when he started allowing you to joke with him? Was it when he asked you to start bringing him supper? Was it when he saw those men with their hands on you?

Ah, no, he recalled how furious he had been at that sight; it must have been some time before.

Or maybe it had been slow and gradual? Perhaps it was so subtle that he couldn’t pinpoint the exact second?

He wasn’t in love with you. He was, however, obsessed with you. That much, at the very least, was obvious to him. Maybe this was the closest he’d ever get to being in love. It definitely caused you to take up a hefty 30% of his work time, which he frankly could not afford at this point.

Yesterday, he had planned to stop.

Breanna had always been keen, just as he was. She could pick up on the smallest of details. The look she had given him when he stepped out of the smoking room had been almost unbearable—she knew.

To what extent, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps she thought you were his lover, as many have guessed to his amusement. Or maybe she suspected that he had been telling you information that pertained to the coup. Either way, he wished it had been discrete. She never commented on it, but it was still too close of a call.

Breanna had left earlier than expected. Kirin had been quiet and she had grown bored of his company after the business was out of the way. What she couldn’t have known was that he’d been preoccupied with thoughts about what to say to you once you arrived at five. He wasn’t nervous, per say, but he wanted to do it correctly and quickly so that he could focus all his time and energy on the clockworks project.

Yet, after he called you to meet with him earlier than scheduled, he had stood there and thought about the last few weeks wherein you had provided him with a sort of company he hadn’t felt in ages. Most people adored Kirin initially and then grew to spurn him. You, however, had done the opposite. He couldn’t think of a single individual in his life that genuinely seemed to enjoy being in his company, not even anyone in Delilah’s inner circle. His mother had hated him, his brother had taken care of him, Sokolov despised him, everyone at the academy loathed him. But not a single soul had ever been fond of him.

And yet, that was what he had seen in your eyes. You loved him. He had lied when he said he’d seen that look before—no one had ever been in love with him.

You had hated him, but then you had forgiven him. You had grown to love him.

He sits in his office, washing down his second glass of Pandyssian Brandy, his brow wrinkled in thought. Tonight he had promoted you. He wasn’t lying when he said that he had been wasting your talents. You probably couldn’t tell due to the marvelous size and beauty of his mansion, but he was tight on money currently. Promoting you to do this task was the wisest thing he’d done in weeks.

But the promotion wasn’t what troubled him. It was your confession—so sincere and pure and, if he wished, easily corruptible. The best way to torment you now would be to lead you on then crush you when he had you in his grasp. But that wasn’t his plan, anymore.

Due to traumatic experiences, he couldn’t have come to realization that he loved you even if he wanted to. But, in truth, he did care about you. The way he perceived it, therefore, was flawed.

He had been a little risky tonight; pretending to play a game with you always helped boost his suave attitude. The words he had spoken had been out of character for the Kirin Jindosh the empire knew.

He had never known love and he had never experienced courting before, but he knew what words to say to make you blush—oh how he enjoyed making you blush, it was indeed very interesting.

Kissing you had been a sporadic occurrence. He hadn’t planned it. He hadn’t done it as part of the game. If he had wanted to, he could have accomplished the same goal without the kiss.

But he had wanted to do it. Strange.

Jindosh had an eye for aesthetics but he somehow lacked the ability to pick up on human beauty and attraction. Meaning, he wasn’t involved with you for your appearance. Whenever he did “play the game” with you, he did it to see your reactions which appealed far more to him than your beauty. The way your brow furrows when he upsets you, the way you can’t look him in the eye when he stands close, the way your voice sounds when you banter with him.

Kirin sits up in his chair, breaking away from the consuming thoughts. He attempts to put the Brandy away, but he had already started his third glass. His vision swam. Tonight would not be productive for at least another hour. He sighs, situating himself back into his seat to wait off the drunkenness. Ah, he hadn’t been this intoxicated in a good while; he didn’t have time.

There it was! That was the problem with this little game he was playing with you! He didn’t have the time to be distracted like this. If Delilah knew that he was taking two or three breaks a day just to hear your voice she’d have stormed the mansion a month ago. Hell, if he had known that you’d have this effect on him he would never have hired you.

The problem was that he hadn’t realized what you were doing to him until it was too late. There was no going back now; you were too important to him now—an integral piece of his thoughts.

If he wasn’t thinking of ways to speed of clockwork production or adjust their depth perception and sound detection, he was—he was daydreaming! Kirin Jindosh! Grand Inventor to the Duke! The smartest mind the empire had ever seen! Daydreaming!

It infuriated him. Even now, a little drunk and weary, he fumed with irritation and shame. This wasn’t part of the plan, he didn’t think it possible to become so attached to another person. What’s more, you weren’t even a fellow intellect! You were a servant! A maid! A college drop out! At least he could say that he was banned and he didn’t leave on his own accord. It made no sense at all that he was obsessed with someone like you but here he sat! Indeed quite smitten!

The longer he dwelled on the idea, the closer and closer he got to the conclusion that he might be falling in love with you. It replaced that anger with fear. This couldn’t continue, if that was true. He couldn’t allow himself to succumb to such a lowly human instinct. He was too important to find himself groveling at your feet!

So he sat there and frantically doubted the decisions he had made. He shouldn’t have kissed you; though it had been part of “the game”, he had wanted to do it and he had enjoyed the intimacy of it. He shouldn’t keep promoting you! Even if it was benefitting him and even if he did genuinely enjoy your company, it was foolish to let you get so close to him—he was part of a coup to take down the Empress of the empire!

This thought troubled him greatly not only because he couldn’t allow you to disrupt Delilah’s plans, but also because he was worried what Delilah or the Duke might do if they discovered what was going on. The rest of the party would have no qualms sending Grim Alex to slit your throat while you slept. He recoiled at the thought.

If it came to that, he’d send you away.

It would probably be in his best interest to do that now while he still had the chance, but he couldn’t deny himself the pleasure your presence supplied.

He then focused on a single aspect of this entire dilemma—you were in love with him. If he wanted it, you could be his in an instant. All he would have to do was say those three insignificant words and it would be that simple. What a strange thought; he’d never felt the need to initiate a relationship with anyone before. His legacy was far more important to him than any man or woman ever could be. But the truth was that he was afraid no one would ever sincerely love him again if he let you go. What a pathetic fear. It wasn’t practical at all—he shouldn’t need anyone to make him feel complete. He thought he’d put that sort of thing behind him after his mother had died and his brother had sailed to Gristol to never be heard from again. He could do anything and he could do it all alone.

But … he could have you if he wanted to. He didn’t have to be alone if he didn’t want to. He had an opportunity to experience something new and exciting. The question presented itself: was it worth the risk of losing you to Delilah’s wrath or failing to live up to his idealized legacy if he got too involved?

He sat there, sobering up, and he thought of your lips against his and the soft gasp you’d made when he had surprised you like that. The way you smelled like lavender and honey. The way your eyes glimmer when you listen to him talk. The smile you give him when he says something incredible.

Ah, yes. He had no idea what he was doing.

Finally sober enough to stand safely, he makes his way over to the elevator, selecting the floor without looking at the panel. He would keep you here. He would continue “the game”. He would claim you as his own when the time was right, when it was safe. Kirin hated to admit it to himself, but he was excited by the idea of having someone love him unconditionally. It childish, but he felt almost giddy when he pictured you in his arms, saying his name, wanting him and only him. Though, it wasn’t entirely a new concept to him—he wanted to be seen as someone worth admiration.

The arc pylon was off when he reached the glass foyer. When Kirin stepped out of the elevator, the guardsman snapped into a stricter position, greeting him with, “Good evening, Mr. Jindosh.”

Kirin ignored his presence and proceeded left to the marbled room. One of his offices was located near the far back right hand corner, already locked in place. He stepped foot into the small room and sat himself down at the desk, reviewing some of the paperwork he had laying out from a few days ago. Most of it consisted of clockwork receipts and letters to his parts suppliers. This was soon to be your job. He collected the scattered papers and filed them away, making sure to flip through his file folder to see that everything was already in order. The safe behind him held a small fortune—he still had the money you’d given him on that first day stored inside. With his busy schedule, he hadn’t had the time to send it all to the bank. He’d have you do that first thing tomorrow, before the banks closed.

After he finished reviewing the state of the office, he concluded that this would be a suitable job for you. It was also a good distance away from his own office which would allow him to think straight for the first time in a few weeks. He’d still get to see you two or three times a day, but at least now you’d be busy with actual work and the conversation would be strictly business, more or less.

He had also given you a task that he knew you wouldn’t fail at. If you wanted him enough, you’d work tirelessly at this new job to achieve your goal. Fortunately for Kirin, you were the type of person who dedicated themselves to their work—a quality of yours he had taken notice of right away and instantly revered.

Shortly after he tidied up the office, he drew up a note to place in your locker that stated, simply, “Tomorrow you will no longer be a maid. Wear what you deem suitable for your new occupation.”

Yes, this would do.

The rest of that night and the following day passed by so quickly that he hadn’t noticed the sun come and go. The only indication he received that time had passed was your entrance into his office. At first, he looked up, a little bewildered. Then when he noticed that you weren’t wearing your typical maid’s uniform, it struck him suddenly that he had forgotten to sleep his average four hours. Ah, he’d regret that later.

You were the first to speak, “Have you slept yet? One of the maids said she saw you roaming the halls early this morning. Tell me you haven’t been sitting here since then?”

The corners of your lips were turned up just a little. He noticed.

Kirin sighs, looking down on his notes that he’d been taking. They were filled with utter nonsense. He had needed those four hours. “I’m afraid that sleep alludes me yet again. No matter, I suppose you’re wondering what I have in store for you today.”

He stands up to greet you properly, his bones protesting their stiffness. You notice the grimace on his face as he stretches. “And have you eaten?” you ask, quieter this time.

Kirin shoots you a look. You tilt your head down. “I’ve not. I suppose I’ll have to resume my dinner meals now that I’ve reassigned you.”

“The cook needs to serve a purpose, you know. And you couldn’t live off of tea and biscuits forever, Kirin.”

His breath catches at the sound of his name. Ah, come now. Gain better control than that.

“His food is rubbish, anyway,” he gives you a wry smile, striding past you toward the elevator. “Come on, I’ll show you to your new station.”

The sound of your light footsteps behind him is almost comforting. “You’re serious, then. You’re trusting me with your finances. Weren’t you the one to tease me about thievery just a month or so ago?”

He bites back a grin. “I don’t recall. Weren’t you the one who used the extra change to pay for an apartment building?”

“How did you find out about that?” you gasp, moving to stand by his side in the elevator.

“I have my resources,” he says simply. The other maids loved to gossip and sometimes he eavesdropped. It is only wise to spy on one’s servants when one is a member of a coup to overthrow the empress. “In any case, I’ve already told you that you’re qualified for the job. Call it whatever you like, assistant to the Grand Inventor, Financial Advisor to the Grand Inventor. Take your pick.”

You fall silent for a second and he waits excitedly for your next words. He’d missed the sound of your voice. “I sound like a secretary, really. Though don’t most secretaries have an affair with their employer?”

He couldn’t help himself, “Isn’t that what everyone’s saying about us? Why not fuel the flame?”

Kirin glances down at you to see warmth spread across your cheeks. A success.

“That’s unprofessional, isn’t it? Isn’t all of this arrangement unprofessional?”

“You certainly care an awful lot about whatever job you’re working, I’ll give you that. But if it bothers you that much, I can … persuade them all to stop gossiping.”

Your face whitens. “Oh no, no, no that won’t be necessary—I’ll just ignore them. Besides, we haven’t done anything wrong.”

He regards you for a second, thinking. “You don’t think what happened last night was a little scandalous?”

Your head snaps up and you look at him, your lips pressed into a thin line, your eyes searching his. You wouldn’t find anything; he was good at hiding himself.

“I thought … maybe you had had too much to drink. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, really.”

Ah, so sincere! So truthful and honest! He was beginning to adore this side of you. “No, that was all intentional, my dear. Nothing is ever an accident.”

You look away from him to hide the small smile on your lips, but he catches it anyway.

“I suppose you remember what I said, too?”

“I … yes.” You murmur as the elevator slows to a stop. “I do, sir.”

“Good,” he smirks, striding out of the elevator and toward the office he’d chosen for you. “I’m a man of my word. I trust that you won’t let me down.”

The two of you arrive at the office before you can retort. He enters, but you stand still at the doorway. He takes notice, but doesn’t think anything of it. “This is where you’ll be stationed. You’ll have privacy here, I believe. Every now and again the floors might switch, just be sure to be careful about where you stand. I’ve had one too many clockworks destroyed from getting caught between the floors. This is your desk. I’ve taken the liberty of organizing it properly. This drawer over here contains all the receipts and this one holds the commissions. This file folder here is full of letters from those wishing to be guests here to observe a clockwork. Ah, and the safe—this holds all the money from the exchanges, as you know. I have three rules: only accept coin, never sell to someone who doesn’t pay upfront, and always get a full signature with each receipt. Hm, what else? Do you understand everything I’ve told you thus far—?”

He stops his rambling to look up at you which is how he noticed the look on your face. You were running your fingers alone the bookshelves, glancing around at the polished desk and the stationary. Your eyes were glossy. “This is mine?”

His words caught in his throat. All he could do was watch you slowly make your way toward him, touching the smooths surface of the desk and scanning the rest of the area before timidly taking your seat in the comfortable, expensive desk chair. Your hands came up to cup around your mouth. “I’ve never had an office of my own before.” Your voice is a muffled whisper. “I always dreamed I would, someday when I became … if I finished my law degree. But I thought … I never thought I’d actually have one.”

Kirin let’s out a small, airy laugh. He’s doesn’t find it funny, but he isn’t sure how else to respond to you like this. “What? Did you think I was going to make you do all this paperwork in the kitchens?”

You look up at him, your hand still covering your mouth. But he can see that you’re smiling underneath them. “I didn’t know what to think. Thank you.”

Something flutters in his cold chest. He clears his throat, glancing away. “Yes, well . . .” he wanted to say something sardonic, but he was surprisingly coming up short. “You’re quite welcome.”

He almost jumps out of his skin when he feels your small hand wrap around his own. His gaze snaps back to you, but you’re merely clasping his hand softly while the other picks up letters and turns books over to read the titles. He instead looks down at the tiny hand in his own larger, calloused one. Your thumb brushes over his prosthetic affectionately as you begin to comment on his vast collection of Sokolov novels. He’s not listening, though. He can’t seem to tear his eyes away from the small bit of contact.

Kissing you had not been a mistake, after all.

He gives your hand a small squeeze, which draws your attention back to him. “Kirin?”

Jindosh stares down at you, saying nothing. You return is gaze, questioning. He is filled with many different thoughts all at once, things he wants to say but knows he will regret later. Things he wants to do, but he knows he can’t just yet. Restraint, Kirin, learn it.

Instead, he pulls his hand out of your own, hastily turns on his heel and walks to the other side of the desk, “The code to the safe 023. I need you to run the money to the bank before it closes.” His back to you, he pauses outside of the office.

Hesitation, again. He had less control over himself than he thought he did.

With this last thought, he calls over his shoulder, “I’ll leave you to it, then. Call on me if you need assistance.”

Then he leaves without another word. His walk to the elevator was fast, his long legs carrying him in determined strides. He had to gain some distance. As the metal bars closed and he was alone, he cursed under his breath, running a hand through his hair.

This was going to be more challenging than he thought it would be. Your effect on him was much stronger than he had initially hypothesized.

Kirin looks down at his hands, running his fingers along the prosthetic appendage you had touched just a few seconds ago.

It was much stronger than he had imagined.

Note: This was fun to write. Kirin’s inner monologues are always intriguing. I don’t know if I’ll do another one like this; I might do one more, but I’d like it to be rare occurrence that only happens when Kirin does something especially enigmatic. Hope you guys liked this!

#kirin jindosh x reader #kirin jindosh #dishonored 2 #dh2 #jindosh #kirin #a decade gone #a decade gone ch 6

41 notes · View notes

imgayandemotional · 4 years

Text

so while everything went down obviously i ranted a lot here. but i also kept this for the things i couldn’t say:

notes about her

entry 1

i don’t know how i ended up here. i met a girl after shaelyn and i broke up. her names katie, she’s sweet, beautiful, funny, the whole shabang. she’s got these incredibly gorgeous eyes and when she gazes at me with them i could melt. her lips are so soft and when we kiss i feel perfectly in sync. she’s such a good kisser damn. i fell for her too quickly. not to say i’m in love with her or anything but i just really like her. i caught feelings fast. we hung out a total of two times but i don’t know the time we spent together was really something. the first time i felt like i got really close to her. just cuddling in her dorm telling eachother our life stories. i really got to know a lot about her and her about me. i guess that’s how i got to like her so quickly. i gained all this information about her fondest memories and quirky things she’s done throughout her life. i loved hearing her talk and go on about them. i didn’t leave her dorm until 11:30 that night. i still had to drive an hour and a half home and got home at 1am. it was worth it tho. i can’t believe she came to see me again after that. that’s probably the nail in the coffin was that day. going on an actual date to go play mini golf and go to the arcade. i suck at mini golf so much lmao. pretty sure she started to play badly just to make me feel better and we started goofing around. god her smile is so beautiful. her little laughs at me being a complete dork. that shit fuels me. when she lost her golf ball into the bushes and we went to get it and kissed behind the bushes for a bit damn. i rly didn’t care about mini golf anymore. i would’ve just made out there for a while. but we finished our game and stole the balls as mementoes. i wonder if she really kept it. i do atleast. then the arcade she got so excited over the games it was so cute. seeing her get cocky that she could beat me was adorable. obviously i let her win or maybe i just suck. maybe a little of both lmao. but then we came back to my house and chilled in my room. making out with her damn that’s so nice. i’ve talked about kissing her a lot oops. but damn it feels so right. but now she just wants to be friends? maybe i have wishful thinking but i feel like she’s gotta have feelings for me. all of that there’s no way i was the only one catching feelings. i wish she wouldn’t ignore them. i wish things were easier. that we could be something. all i really want right now is to call her my girl. i know that’s not gonna happen tho. i don’t even know if i can call her my friend much longer. she says it’s not a good idea but i don’t want that. then she says she doesn’t want that either but i don’t understand. she says we’re both hurting eachother. yea i guess i’m hurt she’s pushing me away. but i’m not taking it personally. i feel like i know she has feelings she just needs to let them happen. but again maybe i’m just making it up in my head. i don’t know. i wish i knew what she was thinking. i don’t want to hurt her. but i think she’s hurting me she knows i want to be with her and part of her wants to be with me but she’s holding back. don’t hold back. life’s too short to hesitate on things like this. i can make her happy. i think i already do when we hang out and talk she seems happy. maybe she’s not tho. again i wish i knew what the hell was going on in her head. i feel so confused. i don’t know what to feel anymore. i can’t stop looking at her the way i always do tho. she keeps calling me out but how am i supposed to suddenly look at her different? i’m still in awe of her and that’s not gonna change.

entry 2

do i actually even like this girl or am i just scared of being alone? i am perfectly okay with being alone tho that’s the thing. i was only on tinder for hookups. i wasn’t looking for a relationship because i mean it’s tinder nobody is really looking for a relationship. but feelings had other plans. maybe i’m just trying to fill the void shaelyn made when she left me. i don’t think so tho. i told katie i needed some time before we talk and i took that time to get over my breakup before picking back up. but things with katie seemed to move so fast. the feelings came flowing in. i don’t know i’ve barely known this girl a month but i actually know so much about her. i feel like something’s right with us. i don’t know. again i’m just in my head making up stuff i want right? damn she’s somethin else tho. i can’t shake it.

entry 3

she finally made things clear that were just friends. saying she did have feelings for me but she lost them. i don’t know. that hurts me i guess. i know it shouldn’t. i was barely talking to this girl. but i don’t know. somewhere long the way i caught genuine feelings. it seemed mutual and now it’s just me feeling this. why do i always feel more than others? i’m tired of having a big heart. i love too easily and i can’t hate people that easily. i really overplay things in my head. i feel things too much. i want to go numb. no more feelings. fuck them.

entry 4

i facetimed her last night from 11pm to 5am. we’re just friends now tho. she made it very clear that that’s what we are. she said she doesn’t think she feels anything for me anymore. i see the way she looks at me and laughs at my jokes tho. i’m not so sure that’s true. my theory is that it’s easier to ignore them. her feelings for me that is. she’s obviously scared of being vulnerable again. she’s scared to let me see her dark bits but honestly i can handle them. i’ve seen them already wether she wanted me to or not. i know how i can help is by just being here. i think she needs me in her life tho. i’ve shown her honesty and sympathy. i cant believe her ex treated her the way she did and i want to be nothing of that to her. i know i was toxic with shaelyn and i don’t need that with katie. but we’re not even together. she after zoning out that she needs to sort out more stuff in her head. honestly am i overthinking to think that i’m still a question in her head. i really wish we had met on better circumstances. i wish i’ll actually get a shot with her. i don’t know how to describe it but there’s something about this girl. i’m not gonna let her go. we’ll just have to be friends cus i care about her too much to let her friend zoning me actually hurt me.

entry 5

hang on this entry gon start w sum from her tumblr..

”why am i getting jealous of tiktok lesbians liking you when you aren’t even mine to get jealous of literally what the fuck katie”

okay. so how you gon tell me you don’t have feelings for me anymore when you posting this. say you want me. be my girl. i want you so bad baby girl. damn. this shit sent me. i was like mhmm yea i know you still very much like me. tell me. be with me. i know you’re holding yourself back but i could spoil you w my love and affection babe.

entry 6

we have follow ups folks.

”i’m not sure this friends thing can work when we clearly like eachother but it’s way too complicated and i’m not in the mood to fuck you over”

“so fucking torn between wanting to be single and wanting you and that’s not okay bc i absolutely cannot be in a relationship where half of me wants to be single. i have to choose the half of me that will hurt you the least. as much as i fucking hate it. fucking hell.”

JUST BE WITH ME!!!!!!!! goddamn i do kinda be in my feels w you doh. stop that.

entry 7

i think this is one of the most painful things. being absolutely infatuated with someone and knowing they are with you too and yet nothing happens. she wants to be with me but she doesn’t. i just want nothing but her. she likes me. i know she does. i know she finds me charming and cute. i know damn well i find her absolutely adorable and beautiful. i want us to be together so bad. it’s become such a fantasy in my head. when does that fantasy become a reality?

entry 8

okay but i don’t get what’s so confusing. where are the complications you keep talking about? i like you and you like me. let’s jus be together. save ourselves the hurt of acting like we can be just friends. let me love you. i get why you backed out of us “talking”. the kisses, cuddles, cute date. it got too real. you saw yourself with me and that scared you. commitment is scary as hell. i don’t blame you.

entry 9

wow. just fucking wow. how are you going to like me but not want to be with me. that makes no fucking sense. and how come you only ever fucking express your feelings to me when you’re drinking. i’m not some fucking game you can play. i’m honestly so fucking hurt and sad. i want to be with you so bad. you know that. you’ve known that this whole time.

entry 10

we’re not talking anymore. in any context. at least for a bit. i don’t know how long. we had the painful talk of feelings and what we want. relationship wasn’t what she wanted. that hurt me. i still want her. she said all this stuff about wanting to be friends but doesn’t think we’re in a place to be friends right now. it’s weird not talking to her all day. i wonder how she’s doing. this was painful for both of us i know.

#notes about her

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dcbicki · 7 years

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Do dan/amy with #1

1. Things you said to me at 1AM | Post s-6, in which Amy is eight months pregnant, there's a crib that needs building, and Dan is a complete fucking tool.

(Bitch, I went well over a thousand words with this, so… thanks for that.)

Arriving home, she hadn’t expected to see a couple dozen boxes - some smaller, some larger - littering the rooms of the apartment.

“Dan!” She’d called out, hoping to find her roomate-come-baby-daddy-but-definitely-not-partner nearby. He’d called to say he’d be home early. And it’s gone twelve, so where the fuck-

“In the other room.”

She’d found him crouching down on the floor, all jeans and crinkled shirt, holding up two pieces of white wood.

The crib. Right.

She’s been here ever since, in a room bound to become a nursery, watching him toy around with the unassembled pieces of the child’s bed.

“You know, Catherine and Marjorie just ordered theirs. And it came pre-built.” She clicks her tongue, types some shit into her phone, looks over at Dan, “Then again, they aren’t as fucking extra as you.”

“I’m not gonna be fuckin’ upstaged by a sophomore lesbian and her backup sperm donor.”

Amy rolls her eyes, tries to avoid cracking a smile, “At least she chose the baby’s genes.” She doesn’t bring up the fact that Dan was the original donor, “This baby’ll probably come out with a head full of gel, clutching a fucking iPad.”

She holds her phone until her knuckles turn white - nothing new there - as if to demonstrate her point. Then she crosses her legs, and lets it drop (odd) into her lap, keeping a straight face as she watches him.

It’s past midnight, and they’re still no closer to having the fucking crib built.

“Remind me again why you didn’t just let the delivery guy do it instead?”

There’s a hex key, a couple dozen pieces of varnished white wood, and some bits and pieces laid out on the floor. They’ve been there for about an hour and half, and Dan doesn’t seem to have even built one side of the fucking thing.

“I’m not having some white trash truck driver’s grubby hands all over my kid’s bed, alright? Fuck, do you really want those kinda germs hanging around the apartment?” He scowls.

Yeah. Sure. That’s it. He’s such a cheapskate when he wants to be.

“I can build a fuckin’ crib, Amy. Jesus.” He grumbles, tosses down a wrench (she’s pretty sure he doesn’t need a wrench), and rests his hands on his hips, untucking the shirt from his pants. “You wanna give it a shot?”

“Because you can’t?” The blonde raises a brow, smirks, “No. It’s actually kinda fun watching you struggle.” She reasons, crosses her legs comfortably, sitting Indian style.

“Oh, yeah?”

Amy hums, nods her head and leans back in the rocking chair. It’s uncomfortable as all hell, but Sophie suggested they buy one. (And she listened why?)

“Even Mike can handle a little DIY, for fuck’s sake.”

“Yeah, well, that neanderthal was around when they were still making tools out of wood so that’s not surprising, Ames.”

She grins, “Hell, I’m sure even Jonah could do it if you gave him a tutorial.”

The daggers he shoots her make her smile widen, and Amy raises both brows at his retort, “Fuck you.”

Dan bites at his bottom lip for a second, wipes the bridge of his nose with his wrist. (As though he’s been working hard. Please.)

There are two slats of wood at his feet, perpendicular and screwed together. It’s the most he’s done so far. (Is that even right?) She could probably have the thing built in ten - no, twenty - minutes or so, but she won’t lend a hand. Fuck no.

He said he could do it. He can prove himself. Besides, it’s really kind of amusing to her to watch him fail miserably. Then again, he hasn’t exactly been trying very hard.

Reaching down, Dan picks up the instruction sheet, balls it up in his fist before tossing it in the box the unbuilt crib arrived in. They had a bunch of furniture unloaded several hours ago, but so far none of it has been constructed.

Luckily she’s only eight months along, and they’ve still got some weeks to go before the little fucker arrives.

“Well, that’s good. Now what are you gonna do?” Amy teases, leans back so the chair sways back and forth, creaking against the hardwood floors of their apartment. Damn him for making her move in with him. “I mean you couldn’t even build it with instructions, so now-”

Dan holds up a finger, lifts both brows confidently. “I’m waiting for a moment of genius.”

“We don’t have all night.”

“You got a better idea, Mom of the Year?”

“Yeah. You could call the store, and they’d send someone out to do it.”

“It’s one in the fuckin’ morning. What kinda service do you think they’re providing, Amy? Fuck.”

“Not right now, you fuckwit.” Amy frowns, rolls her eyes and head back so she’s staring at the ceiling. How did that mark get- “I’ll call them first thing in the morning.”

“No.” He damn near cuts her off, walking over until he’s stood in front of her, resting both hands on the sides of the chair. “No, you won’t. Because I’m gonna get this thing done, even if it kills me.”

“Wow, you really don’t like sucking at stuff, do you?”

“Don’t act so surprised. You knew that already.”

“True.” She agrees, lowers her gaze to meet his, but she keeps her head titled back, hands running along the armrests of the chair, carefully avoiding touching his hands, “I don’t want you to overexert yourself to death, though. I mean, you didsay you’d help out with the kid. And you did promise that I could be the one to kill you when you’re ninety if you haven’t already died of natural causes.”

“Well, Amy, this is me helping out with the kid.”

She snorts back a laugh, “Really? Because it looks like this is just you trying to prove yourself. No need to compensate for anything, Dan. I’ve already seen your dick. It just about does the trick.”

“Just about?” He stands up straight, traces of a smirk beginning to form on his face.

Ah, yes. One of his three facial expressions. Disgust, confidence, terror. She likes imaging which face he’ll make when she gives birth.

Amy shoots him a look à la ‘Shut the fuck up and get on with it’. Looking up through long lashes, she notes how he hasn’t moved, is still towering over her. “Are you going to fucking build it or not, asshole?”

“Are you gonna fuck me if I do?”

“God, you’re a child.”

“No, Amy. I’m a man who would like some recognition for his hard work.”

Wait. Did he- That fuck weasel.

“Have you been screwing me this whole time?”

Dan smirks, wider than before, and he shrugs, nonchalant, “Maybe. That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I’m gonna ignore the fact that you’ve wasted over an hour of my life by pretending to be bad at something you can apparently do, because it was kind of fun to witness your would-be emasculation anyway. But, no. I’m not going to fuck you. Jesus Christ, you were just playing me like one of your little college bimbos.”

“Ames, you know I gave up sleeping with other women for you.” He tilts his head to the side, all proud and smug, like it’s a massive accomplishment. She wouldn’t believe him if it weren’t for the fact that she threatened to chop his dick off, and she knew just how much he treasured King Danny - God, that name - and he knew just how serious she was with her threat.

“But I still don’t wanna be upstaged by Catherine and her side-bitches.” His eyes crinkle then - is that a fucking smile? - and Amy can only frown. “I guess I just have more interest in getting our new bed up and ready instead.”

They don’t even have a new bed to build, so what the fuck is he getting it ready for-

“Oh, fuck, no.”

She pulls a face, shakes her head, stands up and goes to walk off all in the flash of a second - because fuck him - until his hand catches her elbow. It’s gentle, and she kind of hates him for it. Then again, she’s eight fucking months pregnant and he’s not a complete animal.

“Amy.”

“Fuck, Dan. I can’t believe you ever roped me into this in the first place.”

“Into fucking?”

“Into moving in with you, you goddamn unflushable turd.”

“You love it.” He smirks - because of course he does - and Amy hates herself for smiling back.

“I don’t love you, though.”

“You like me more than you like anybody else.” He reasons, steps closer until she’s flush against him, all bump and breasts. Fuck.

“Yeah, well, I’m the only person that you like, so-”

“Yeah. You are.”

It’s one o'clock in the fucking morning, which means they should be sleeping, not having a heart to heart. Or, well, a… discussion pertaining to matters of the heart had either of them possessed a heart?

“I do like you, Amy.” He grins, reaches for her chin.

“You’re an asshole.”

“And you love me.”

“Fuck you.” She steps back, wills herself to ignore his lingering gaze, “Build the fucking crib, asshole.”

“Are you going to bed?”

“Yeah. You’re not welcome to join.”

“After I build this fuckin’ IKEA piece of crap?”

She comes back into the room to pick up her abandoned phone, shoots him a brief look before spinning back around, knowingly letting his eyes dance along her back and ass, “If you can build it in the next twenty, no… ten minutes.”

“I can do it in five.”

Amy rolls her eyes down the hallway, waves a hand behind her, rests her free hand on her stomach, “Your dad’s a fucking moron.”

#juliaslouisdreyfus #fic*#dan x amy #dan egan #amy brookheimer #veep #veep fic #ship: dan x amy

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