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#I hope ya all are doing fine
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Guess who has a new inconsistent style? :)
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sockeyesidequest · 1 month
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Alriiiiight post time. Finished the first project of my first illustration class. The prompt was flora and fauna which I ran with, ngl. I chose an orange tree sapling paired with an epaulette shark. Pretty fun to make but pretty nerve racking not fucking it up bcs of how fine and small the details are. BUT I DID IT and I'm pretty happy with it. :)
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dandyshucks · 2 months
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everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;・∀・)
#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE#it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it#and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl#but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum#I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked#alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray#i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not#im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired#i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on#i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well#im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps#i do not have high hopes fjfkdl#MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭#im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!!#if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl#i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit#augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl#dandyshucks#vent //
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undermostcorgi · 20 days
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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
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surreal-duck · 1 year
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messing around a bit
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#delete later#man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird#trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg#shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me#should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔#still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess#just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made.#im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony#well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole#even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw#actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself#but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate#hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week#man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay#hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini#masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh#ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini#aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr#me when i have to do my job at work#i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower#sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit
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sirenofthegreenbanks · 11 months
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hello hello hope u are having a good timezone! as u might have noticed re: my tags on that shl gifset lmao i'm interested on yr thoughts on this as a wenzhou poem.. cannot stop thinking about the come hope too much. come with all your ghosts. come clown around when the timing's bad. come promise me the world. come trust me to do my best even when i don't. come ask me to give you everything i have. anyway. !!! <3
honestly, i dont know how to present my thoughts without wanting to cry. there is something so raw about this poem that hits me where it hurts. i think this visceral need, of hope, is so essential to tyk, and at the same time, the novel is making a study of hopelessness.
i mean. the main character starts out killing himself; and it is hard not to understand this wish if the very world he lives in is so bleak and devoid of warmth. and after that very important decision, zhou zishu rejoices in every single mundane thing life has to offer; and he can do that, like, he has given himself the allowance to it because he paid for it with his death.
Death was not frightening. It had not been easy for him to survive over the past twenty years; all of the methods he used to pressure Zhang Chengling were ones he had endured in his childhood, but even harsher, and despite him not having the kid's innate talent for withstanding that harshness completely unharmed. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations) "Why wouldn't i? My junior used to be taught by my hand." .. "Then what did you do if our junior couldn't recite the mantras, or couldn't practice some move?" .. "I made him copy the introductory breath-regulation mantra three hundred times. If he couldn't even practice slowly, then he wouldn't need to eat, nor… need to sleep. In the middle of the night, I would get someone to lock his bedroom up so that he would go into the snowdrifts and come to a comprehension on his own." (Ch. 33, tl. chichilations) He had experienced enough to fear no one and nothing in the world. If he lived in no fear, what was so scary about death? (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)
and i feel like... like!! he has spent his entire life trying to carve out a place for himself: he perfected four seasons manor’s martial arts into an, uh, art, he dabbled a little in game of thrones politics entirely uncalled for, he discovered he has basically no bottom line, he sold his sect to the empire and built a new organization by himself, he became the most powerful person of the nation second only to the son of heaven. he has, like, done lots of things, and made mostly only bad choices.
but this struggle has always been about living his own life, and it has always been in a transactional way, and now that he has all but killed himself, he is doing it all over again.
However, what was making him uncomfortable was that he had to count the days down until his death. / Having endured so much, his heart's will was stalwart, and never had he had a will for death. Wasn't it ironic that his most free, most unworried, and most cheerful days would be the ones where he was waiting to die? / This was most likely yet another stupid thing that was his own doing. (Ch. 45, tl. chichilations)
and wen kexing is kind of the opposite. wen kexing has never really lived a life for himself, and over his time in the valley, he must have become accustomed to the thought of never having a life of his own ever. he is entirely unashamed of being seen as well, at least regarding the things that are socially unacceptable, like homosexuality and murder, or his general unhinged self; unashamed in a way that speaks of a trial by fire. but he once says that,
"For all my life, whenever I want to happily play around, I can't be happy. When I grew up a little, I wanted to learn arts both martial and literary with my parents, but no one was around to teach me. Tell me… isn't that some very poor timing?" (Ch. 29, tl. chichilations)
in short, he is always slightly out of tune. when he meets zhou zishu, he is slightly out of tune as well. zhou zishu is going to die (at this point, it is all but set in stone), and wen kexing has this plan that ends with a bang, with him going up in flames while he burns all of his past grievances and the devils and demons of jianghu, and that includes himself, away.
"This is the human world," he continued, "and the human world should not have ghosts and demons. The … prestigious Hero Ghao Chong is ridding the world of calamities for the common folk. If we don't lend a hand, would your many years of reading sagely texts not be in vain? I heard that only many years of cultivation can then give you a fulfilled life, but if you don't do anything notable, wouldn't those decades have been for nothing?" / Zhou Zishu didn't answer, but Wen Kexing still turned to ask after him. "Wouldn't you agree, Ah-Xu?" (Ch. 16, tl. chichilations) When cold rain falls, autumn makes itself known; the wutong tree ages and dies. Thin robes offer no protection from a night of bitter winter, years and lives wasting, whiling away... nothing more than this: resentment, that we met so late. (Ch. 29, tl. hunxi-after-hours)
but oh. while they meet, in that space between them, they carve out a place for them that fits just right; a space where they can explore and discover, play and fuck around, and be human. something neither really knows how to. ("and I started feeling myself open, / started feeling my yes coming back / and it was the sweetest thing I had ever known / the reverse of being haunted, / like taking a deep breath / and pulling the fog of the glass.")
and it also reminds me of this:
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(excerpt from 'baked goods' by aimee nezhukumatathil, found here)
seriously, the lines youre quoting in your ask, like (grabs wenzhou and shakes them around) thats them!!! its them!!! but the poem has no single line that isnt a banger, almost no line that doesnt fit them. how it starts is absolutely devastating, it reminds me of wen kexing and the valley and his general attitude re: his lack of autonomy. ("I wanted the yes to last forever so badly later on I told myself: / We’re built like drums. We couldn't make songs / if we had never been hit. It was a desperate theory.") it reminds me of zhou zishu's journey (gestures at qi ye at large) and his unceasing downwards spiral, that ends with him (figuratively but also not) in his own grave. ("And that’s how I lived. I mean, that’s how I’d been living. / Decades of no no no no no no / And that’s okay, an accordion could not make a song / if it never closed.") like, zhou zishu is a survivor. the fact that he decides to kill himself has been a long way coming emotionally, but only really comes to pass in the physical world when liang jiuxiao's death kicks him off over edge, and half a decade later, he still remembers him with that misunderstanding in mind; otherwise, im fairly sure, he would have never done so, despite being unhappy and miserable.
"Who?" Zhou Zishu laughed dourly. "You mean the girl at the restaurant? I'll handle her. Liang Jiuxiao … he… he said murderers pay with their lives. Told me to pay with my life." (Qi Ye, Ch. 62, tl. chichilations) Murdering someone should be paid with one's life? Why should it be? In this world, there was a way to make living worse than dying. (TYK, Ch. 20, tl. chichilations)
but wen kexing, even despite being highly aware that he has never really lived, tries to find light in the darkness even in his last days on earth. ruth @specialability said the other day when i was rambling about wen kexing's general attitude re: his own impending death in my tags, "I do think that Wen Kexing is sort of removed from his reality in a dissociative way but he doesn't want to be. He is trying to have life experiences that are not so shitty and I do think there are times when he is very 'present', especially with Chengling," and i agree. they are both in their last days on this earth, and they are desperately making the most of it, because in all honesty, neither really wants to die. this shift from "not wanting to die" to "living", in tyk, happens incredibly slow and not all at once, i think. its a gradual process, a lot must be chosen and decided upon, and before all, wenzhou must allow themselves to believe in hope again.
thats what rattles me so about 'good light', its about how there hasnt always been hopelessness, but now, it is hard to remember how it used to be; having faith. believing in the good. this ardous, sometimes agonizing process of starting to believe in it again, of opening yourself to possibilities again. in the chapter when wu xi and jing qi return to examine zhou zishu again, after they already pronounced him incurable once before, and savable only if he paid a price that turns out to be his bottom line, zhou zishu says, in his pov:
Even though the time he had spent alive could not be considered ‘long’, Zhou Zishu felt that it was sufficient for him to understand this lesson--that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Even if these two people before him could be considered ‘friends’ if he were hard-pressed to, even if he was familiar with how the Great Shaman operated, he still dared not believe it so easily. / Because… it could hurt, this thing called hope. (Ch. 64, tl. wenbuxing)
but oh, it can be so sweet as well, cant it? when youve opened yourself to it, when youve begun to discover life, the world, yourself and who you might be; a second chance, at life, at being a person. like, wenzhou are so weird, but they are also trying out this thing called courtship, called friendship, called mundane life. and its so funny because they dont know how, and the novel absolutely drags them for it and they drag each other constantly and themselves too, no thing is left untouched. but also it is funny, it is hilarious, in this tragic sort of way that makes me want to cry, and also in the funny way because these two guys are just so perfect at being clowns.
but it is also sweet and lovely and raw, and thats who they are, and thats what they allow themselves to be, allow each other to be when they are together. they have, somehow, carved out this safe space with each other, where they can be fragile and human.
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(quote above from 'i will' by mistki, found here)
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peachcitt · 2 years
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metamorphosis chapter is coming a little later today!
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whelpimnauthuman · 9 months
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You know you're getting old when you're thinking about flooring
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altruistic-meme · 10 months
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I'M NOW NERVOUS BUT I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING
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westernsunshine · 7 months
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I got a job interview on the same day my current contract ends lol. Is my run of bad luck coming to an end or is it more of the same though 🧐
#i really really want it because it’s literally within walking distance and the hours are perfect AND it’s over the winter so i don’t have#to worry about how i’m going to fund myself during the off season (ya girl lives in a tourist town lol)#plus the hours don’t clash with my coding course. i mean it’d be hard for them to since it’s a night class#but i don’t even work the same days i have lessons. so that’s good#one catch - it’s 5 hour shifts. and it’s in a coffee shop#there’s a shop attached to it (funnily enough they sell some of the same stuff my previous workplace sold lol) and they give tours#it’s like a historic tourist attraction with businesses attached to it basically. that is the vibe#and ya girl still has a busted knee. so it’s like. will i be able to do this#does anyone want a limping waitress/tour guide/cashier? is 5 hours too much? who can be sure#i’m just going to show up to the interview anyway. i talked to my mom about it and she was like ‘they can maybe give you a chair#while you’re cashiering or program in an unpaid break halfway through the day. plus your start date is 2 weeks away and you have physio#the day before it. you’ll have improved’ and i was like ‘yeah. all true’#like it makes sense to me to just go there; be relatively honest about my limitations; gather info#and just find out whether or not this is feasible and whether they think they can accommodate me or not#if they can’t it’s literally fine. i don’t really have a burning desire to continue working in hospitality. plus i’m starting this course#and there’s a guaranteed job interview at the end of it; plus job help. PLUS my boss all but said she’d take me back in february#like obviously i want and need something to do in the next 6 months but this isn’t the be all and end all#i just want it. i think it would work well for me#i’m going to do the interview and just hope for the best outcome for everybody i think#personal
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truelvrs · 11 months
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in my dream last night Wait suicide ment killing / murder ment ? idk if that matters here who is looking but anyway in my dream last night i was like manipulated into killing someone and it made me go kind of insane so i called my gf and with no context bc for some reason i felt she already knew everything was like Should i kill myself bc i didnt wanna rot in jail and she was like theres so much beauty in the world to live for like ddr ! and this shocked me and i was like ud still love me even tho i killed someone?? ud wait for me to get out of jail??? and was also thinking like.... ddr... thats so specific ???? it rlly jarred me in my dream and shook me out of the panic Anyway my point is the serendipity of falling asleep thinking abt dying and dreaming abt my gf telling me to live..... idk its kind of nice even tho it wasnt real... my brain telling me to live.... gotta keep going 🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️
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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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rosicheeks · 1 year
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What's like one big goal you're hoping to accomplish this year?
(PS I hope you don't get COVID! Even a "mild" case sucks, my sense of taste has yet to fully recover months later!)
Oh BOY that’s a complicated question hahahah. To try and put it simplistic as possible - figure out what I want to do with my life. Or like what path to take?
#first of all thank you! I really hope I don’t get it either. I mean I’m not super worried about me cause I know it’ll suck but I’ll be fine#but now that I live with my parents I’m scared that I’ll accidentally give it to them and both of them aren’t doing the best physically#but there’s nothing I can do now…. tbh I’ve been slacking with masks and being cautious so I should probably go back to that#masks are just expensive and I’m broke#need to either find my disposable or buy new ones#I hope your taste comes back soon!!! that sounds awful 😔#anywayyy to your question#right now I just kinda feel lost in life#I need to feel like I’m going somewhere again#cause right now I just feel like I’m in limbo????#obviously would love to figure out my mental bullshit but idk how realistic that is#honestly would just love to figure out everything that’s wrong with me so I can start to feel idk normal?#idk this is probably more loaded than you were expecting haha#but especially ever since the move I’ve been so fucking lost and I want to figure out my life but idk where to even start ya know#but yeah I guess that’s my goal#on a smaller scale I would love love love to get more traffic and sales on my Etsy#I just really want to make my Etsy shop a way to be creative and make money at the same time#cause paint and art shit is expensive 😭#and when you’re already broke it’s hard to justify buying paint or canvases ya know#buuuuut if I get more sales and a bigger profit then maybe it’ll be worth it???#also I LOVE seeing my paintings somewhere else its just so bittersweet#cause I love my paintings so much so it’s hard to let go of them#but the thought of someone else hanging them up and seeing them everyday????#it’s so heartwarming 🥺#like I could help warm up your space???? with color and some love 🥰💖#I just love it so much#thanks for the question lovely 🥰🥰🥰#ask#lovely mutuals
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spacedykez · 2 years
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yknow how people just put a dot and then vent in tags for vent posts i should just start putting "i'm not fine" lyrics as the post cause. yeah thats just a whole mood.
#aaaaaanyways ya wanna hear about my mind rn-#don't read if you don't want to this is all vent#the otter ventposts#the otter splashes#i reblogged a writing ask games whyd i do that i cant write anything people are asking for branzypierce i was hoping i could just do short-#-c!pacix snippets n stuff i cant do this i cant but i have to because i cant just say no because im a writer i can Write its the one thing-#i CAN do its the only thing i can do- :( - i can't draw i never do art everyone else does art and i dont and i. i don't need to i dont Want#to but i. its just. artists can write too. like everyone else is doubly talented everyone else can write AND draw and what do i have i have#NOTHING i can't draw. i can only write. everyone can fucking write. and then people are better at writing than me AND better at drawing and#i know i shouldn't compare myself i just. i wish i had anything to say for myself but all i do is write fucking ONESHOTS i cant even write-#longfics i can write like. 1k-2k words and i cant finish any longfics and i can barely write the last few weeks and now i have to finish-#snippets AND the hermitgao3ng thing which is PROBABLY LATE NOW but i havent even STARTED It and its not even like. long enough to make up-#for being late its just gonna be a horrible rushed thing because i can't. get past this stupid writer's block and im not DOING anything-#lately im just. sorry. i know people like my writing but its just. i. fuck. i mean i just i dont want to say anything because IM FINE im-#fine and i just think if i post ANYTHING its just asking for attention and i. i don't WANT attention i just want to be able to write.#sorry. sorry if youre reading this. i dont know why you are.
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yanderart · 2 years
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OMG ARE U REALLY BACK I MISSED U SM ❤️
Omg the fact that anyone even remembers me after literal YEARS, I—
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tysm, anon who from now onwards shall be known as
The Timeless One.
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defiant-firefly · 2 years
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Okay so I've been quiet for a long while about what's going on in my lil world so here's what's up at the moment
My housemates from uni didn't get in touch with me about the stuff I left at the house. That means it's all completely gone, not a single thing of mine left supposedly. So now I'm basically starting from scratch if I ever want to live on my own again, which I do.
SO
I saw a post a while ago talking about something called a 'Hope Chest' which is the American name for what my mum knows as a 'Bottom Drawer' and I suggested we start one to make it easier when the time comes. What this is, is basically a box or whatever that you fill with all the things you'll need and want in your future home. Cooking tools, plates, ornaments, paint swatches whatever, it all goes in that box and it builds up over time when you find nice things to add to it.
So yeah, we're gonna start one of those for me now! Which is neat!
But also all I can think to put in it is a lava lamp.
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