meds update plus rant: day 20

almost 3 weeks guys ! I'm doing it !! I need to schedule an appointment cuz I only have 10 pills left oof

hmm...folks, not gonna lie... these few days have been tough.. I started becoming more and more frustrated cuz I felt like they weren't working ( days 16-18 ) and my mom also asked me a few days ago "so... Dani... have you been feeling better ?" in which I replied "nope" and she asked "do you feel any different at all ?" and also again "nope"

btw it's not PMS lmao I swear

and then I got even more upset that, maybe I might just be undiagnosed with adhd ? cuz I'm still struggling with doing tasks, procrastinating, forgetting stuff, getting overwhelmed easily, getting angry easily. I had to change my bed sheets and I really started crying. I am so tired.. and it's hard to change the sheets cuz of my mattress and the shape of my bed and also I have to fold and put the comforter a certain way and its not exactly a simple and fast task and it can mess up the sheets and make everything look and feel wonky and... like fr I am not exaggerating... and then also I just. started going on a spiral yet again :(

I feel so insecure and I just wanna cry all the time. because I'm so tired. I keep forgetting or procrastinating to fix my sleep schedule. it's 2am rn...

I feel horrible with my appearance, I hate my face and my body, I hate everything about how I look. and I feel very ugly all the time, I'm too self conscious and too self aware of my surroundings and I can't never relax... don't slouch, don't show your teeth when speaking or smiling, don't move your head too much, don't touch your hair, don't stand this way it makes you look weird. I'm exhausted, why can't I just accept how I look...

I feel dumb, and untalented. I feel lazy, and stupid, because I keep seeing people around me succeed and I can never do that. yes I am fucking envious of people. no I do not wish them bad things but all I can think about is.. that could've been me if I had tried harder. if I had tried enough. if I forced myself to do it.

and it's taking such a toll on me rn I feel stupid and dumb and lime a failure.

I'm frustrated cuz I can't improve my artstyle either, nor my poses or composition. my art is so repetitive and unoriginal, and uncreative. predictable. forgettable.

boring.

n also, no one fucking interacts with me on twitter and I don't blame them cuz I never post art, not interact with them, and all I ever do is cry and vent like a fucking loser. who wants to read this shit anyways. but what makes it worse is that I'm currently at my peak, I have never had this much followers ever. and I know it doesn't mean worth but I can't seem to change this mindset

which makes me feel like such an imposter... how can I have this many followers when I don't post shit. when my art is shit. when I am a shit person. why are they following me, I don't deserve anything. and now it's even more pressure I want them to be happy I want them to not see how much of a loser I really am.

and I just. I don't know. I could do such great things. I know I have the talent. I know I am smart. but why can't I just be better, use my time more wisely, and improve myself. I am such a waste. that's how I feel most of the time, I'm wasting myself, wasting my time, my parents money. I'm so tired of being stupid and not doing what I have to do just cuz I don't want to do it.

it's a bad bad bad day and week. I guess this is the confirmation that the meds aren't working, or haven't started working yet. I just want to die

So idk what in doing. Im gonna explain why i need to die. First of all nobody can convince me that i deserve to live because im a waste of space and oxygen. Everyday i wake up and play games or draw. I dont do anything productive such as studying or reading or exercising. Im too lazy to do stuff like that. Im too lazy to even write rn 😭 i wish my mind could write it for me and i wouldnt need my fingers to type. Im so lazy i dont clean my room, but its not like its too messy i just have to fold my clothes and vacuum and organise. Ok nvm my room is messy. I disappoint my mon. Sometimes i just cant bring myself to do the chores i do them from time to time but i sometimes scoff and throw myself in my bed. I dont see myself in the future. Yeah sure i have drawing skillz but can i really turn them into a job?? Nuh uh artists dont get paid a lot and its going to be even more horrible. Jobs for artist could be: commissions but you have to be very popular on social media, i mean its kinda optional but you need a lot of commissions to pay the bills. Another job as an artist could be clout but its almost same as the commissions. There are a lot of jobs, but its not like i can do any of them. They require skillz that i dont have. You could improve but it takes a lot of time. Art is just another hobby and i dont think i would take it to next level. Another reason that i should die?? For i should die?? Fuck english, is that im fucking ugly. I hate my hair because for at least 2 or 3 years i always kept it in a low ponytail because i look uglier with my hair down. I hate myself i wish I wasn’t so self conscious about my hair . I wish i could get a cool haircut without my mom saying something about it. I would still look cringe with a cool haircut cuz people dont really see me with my hair down not even my mom, and if i let my hair down they gonna b like :”omg she finnally let go of the ponytail” or sum like respectfully stfu, youre making me more insecure. I hate my face. I have a lot of pimples on my forehead. I mean its normal to have pimples but it isnt for me. Like what the fuck???? I havent eaten shit like chips and coke in since summer vacation started and my skin still looks horrible. Its true i sometimes forget to do the skin care routine because im lazy. I hate my eyebrowz. They are so fucking thick😭. I wish i should just give them a slimmer shape but my mom says that my eyebrowz are ok. Yeah, no. They arent. I hate my teeth. They are so yellowish because i sometimes forget to brush my teeth and even if i remember to brush them and actually do it, i give out no effort and i just move the brush in my mouth for 30 seconds and then leave. I dont have the BEST hygiene, i do shower two times a week but i dont really brush my hair or my teeth. I hate being a girl. I dont wanna shave but i still have to because i dont look “feminine” or some shit like stfu i dont wanna shave im lazy. In the end i still shave cuz my mom tells me its for the better. So i hate myself so much, i wanna rip my hair off my head and scream loud AAAAA. And if im so ugly, nobody would want me. I need to be pretty to feel loved. I crave some much attention and love nobody understands. I mean, my parents love me right?? Idk they both are at they jobs and come home late and idk if they forget about me or nah. So now, i have the MOST important reason why i should die. Im egoist and narcissist. I only care for myself, i do things for myself, not for others. I imagine or daydream how i would get a lot of attention and that narcissism because uhhhh i read on the internet and ur prolly gonna be like “dont believe whats on the internet” well fuck it i mean it makes sense to be narcissist and imagine getting a lot of attention. Im a bad person, i make people around me disappointed or sad. So yeah, these were all the reasons why i should die. There's one more reason. I'm stupid but I'm not gonna explain everything you get the point.

The boi doodle dump

hiii!!! just finding your page and wanted to say i really love your artstyle and comics! any tips on how to start one?

thank u very much! anyway this is probably the most boring/repetitive "how to make comics" advice u've ever heard but sometimes things are cliche bc they're true:

just do it. just start. just get whatever u can down onto paper/a digital file/a napkin. if ur always waiting until u think ur Ready to start (until ur 'good enough' at drawing, until u have a 'good enough' idea, until u have enough of a following that what u post won't flop, whatever) then 1. i promise u that moment where everything clicks and ur suddenly like "NOW! now is the moment when i feel completely ready and able to bring comics into the world! i've reached it!" does not exist, and 2. every day that u hesitate perfectly good comics are dying in the ether bc art and writing fizzle out and disappear if u don't give them something physical to hang onto, even if that something is as small as an incoherent reminder in the notes app on ur phone.

as u were skimming thru my stuff and feeling like it was cool: how much of it is uncleaned pencil stuff? how much of it was presented to you guys as kind of shitty half-illegible phone pics bc i couldn't be fucked to do battle with the scanner that day? like, i'm not saying it isn't worth it to set your cap at bigger projects that need more time (i have plenty of those brewing very very slowly rn myself) but when it comes to just STARTING (and also, frankly, Continuing) the best thing you can do is make a herculean effort to not give a shit whether your stuff is polished or pretty or even very good and focus only on "how do i get complete thoughts communicated onto paper/screen, By The End Of Today," and fuck however many corners u have to cut to make it happen

do it! do it! grab those ideas when you have them and slam them onto a flat surface before they die in the vacuum of space! if u don't have any ideas, make a comic abt not having any ideas! if it makes u feel stupid and self conscious to be making comics abt not having any comic ideas make a comic abt your comic insecurity! go now! draw something! do it on a post it note! do it on your hand! thats how u start! go!

We all love you so much Mani... Hold tigh, it will get better.

Bless ur heart

All of you, precious dears

I literally forgot that I posted that and woken up to such Solace and comfort

Took a long shower cuz my head did not stop boiling, like my sculp itself alight with silent sirens, and dragged myself for a forced strut under the heavy hand of the sun light

I can take it, till a new point is reached.. I don't know why but I know its okay, ur right, deep inside I know it will..

Bank literally ignoring us was just too much, every week tell us to wait till they fix it and never return our calls.. my guardians said that will drive furthest to some other a branch of the same al rajhi bank to talk with an actual manager or whatever (cuz what we have here is one employee) my card works fine now but I need to find another bank that deals with visa cards after all this is done..

That and the other side mum also just reached a point saying if things did not improve in 2 years time she'll just go and live with her immigrant siblings in Germany, just giving me more reasons to wonder why i was alive still.

Funny thing is, she found a pregnancy test of me, at times when everything was in filing cabinets, saying negative three times, I really didn't want to be found, huh

I WAS BORN ON friggen 1993, and all this time my record says 1992 or 1993..

Anyway, I don't blame her ofc.. its natural everybody wants out of fire

And there are those conflicts in fandoms, endless hours I spend on an art that I feel proud of and think people may enjoy them; I get silent or the conflict... I just want to share passion and enjoy it, not feel shadowed by neglect ignorance and doubt

Maybe I ask or expect to much, but for now, no matter

I'm conscious again. And will enjoy some doodling, drawing on paper brought that special overwhelming sensation, like it's the very first time, of why i found art to be so intoxicating, dare to say to be high by art

I'm loving how ballpoint pens feels and smells, but mine r so old and dry they almost spark as I scraped the paper with em, trying to make them write.. I want a yellow ballpoint pen so bad rn

I wish you all so much joy, my dears. Comfort that you seek, ease on your burdened mind, heart and shoulds .. I wish you featherlight steps, where ever your desire leads you. I wish you tub full of miracles and blessings by every corner. I wish you contentment, self love, strength on top of your strength, and the flare of your wonderful souls to never flickers, engulfed by fulfilment, and always in the blind side of harm..

I'm always sorry to be of any damping of moods.. but writing those and bafflingly getting support actually helps in ways I always doubt tbh..

Actually if I haven't wrote about the bank card issue, I wouldn't have known the exact dates to them.. it helps documenting I suppose

But enough of my dribble, hope u have marvellous times now🍀

Hi~ I wanted to hop on the match-ups as well cause I've read them and they're amazing. So could I request a romantic one? 👉👈

Hi, the name's Daniela but my friends call me Dina (pls call me Dina, after the Mr Worldwide post I wanna be your friend so bad 😭), I go by She/Her and I'm bisexual with a slight inclination towards males. I think I'm quite fun to be around, the most stupid things make me laugh and I can crack a few jokes even on the worst situations but at the same time I'm kinda serious, I get moody quite easily sometimes but for the most part I'm really bubbly. I suck at social interactions but I love people, so I'm absolutely an extrovert that's really scared to make people uncomfortable.

My insecurities are very much linked to me and my personality, I mean, I'm kinda self conscious of my weight and my body, but at the same time I always try to find beauty in myself, so much that it can lead to feeding my ego a little bit too much. And personality wise I feel like I can be really annoying, I like to feel special to the people I care about, so it lead to me being a really jealous person. Also I'm super competitive and that's not good at a certain point.

I like lots of stuff, very interesting things... I never really give much thought to the things I like, dang. I really like watching Anime and horror movies, drawing, going on walks, baking, I really really love to bake and clean, it's just so relaxing, ooh~ and I like dying my hair, a real fun activity if you ask me. In my friend group I'm chaos in person and also the one who's horny 25/8 and makes it known. Also, I'm known for hyperfixiating on anime characters (mostly mad scientists and intimidating blackhaired men). My music taste is quite normal, rock, punk, pop/punk, punk/rock, alternative rock, a bit of occasional metal. Some of my favorites are My Chemical Romance, Get Scared, Avril Lavigne, All Time Low, Three Days Grace, Hollywood Undead, Set It Off and Bring me The Horizon

The weirdest thing I do is thank the universe each and every morning for my incredible and amazing boobies 🥰🙏🖤🌸✨ and also I think being into esoteric stuff, crystals, demonology and that stuff could be considered a weird thing of mine(?) not sure how weird it actually is.

Oh yes yes, I just got admitted to college and imma be a Vet, super proud of myself, so I'm an animal lover. Btw I'm also libra, an ENFP with ego issues from time to time and an amazing person to dump your problems to (I love solving everybodies issues except mine). My ig is frutill.a, in case you need a physical description (don't be intimidated by how hot I am, I know I know, I'm amazing) and my abandoned art ig is frutill.art

For the ideal date thing? Yeah, cuddles, giving and receiving them, and eating, i like to be taken care of but also taking care of the other person(?. Even tho a picnic and cuddles under the stars sounds lovely. Yeah, maybe that's my ideal date, just doing something together at night that feels special to the both of us.

And to finish this up I just want to say that I love everything you do and you 😭 you're writing is so amazing, like just beauty, and I've read the other match-ups and they're so good, you're super duper talented and amazing. Keep up the good work and don't over do yourself, take care and keep it fun, I really look forward to see what other fic ideas you have in mind and I'll be there supporting whatever you come up with cause it'll be great. Kudos 🖤🖤🖤🤠

HI Dina, I match you with…..💞JEFF💞

Alright this was a hard one, quick quick why I didn’t match you with others. Demonology and EJ don’t mix, he has trauma. Plus, you seemed to be sort of similar to Jeff in some ways (not bad at all, you’re wonderful). I’m gonna go in order of what you talked about so that I can get my thoughts organized.

Stupid things make you laugh? At the worst possible times? At least you won’t be alone with Jeffy, he is the king of doing that, but he dosen’t exactly feel bad about it. AND you get moody often, Jeff too. Still, I feel like developing the relationship would take a while. You would have to constantly sit down with him and tell him what’s bothering you, open communication. Jeff is a master at feeding his ego, but he is fragile on the inside so be careful not to insult him, and once he warms up to you he is so so possessive. Does not want anyone else flirting with you at all, just goes to prove he thinks you might leave him for someone else.

He also loves horror (as we can tell) and he’s pretty much the chaos person too, you guys will bounce the energy off of each other for sure. //Also bro… what anime characters I have a thing for the murderers-// BUT BUT, set it off you say? Maybe go read some of this😏. I’m sure if you wake up next to Jeff he’ll be thanking the universe for your boobies too. HES AN ANIMAL LOVER TOO, and you being a vet is lovely, he wants to take care of his dog ya know?

I just know this man would bring you a rock thinking it’s a crystal. BRB BAWLING MY EYES OUT OVER THIS. Jeff isn’t one to dump his trauma on you, but he will tell you his current frustrations like how much Slender is pissing him off or something. He’s not very elegant but he would lay down a blanket and cuddle you if you like, once this man is attached he is attached. He loves being the big spoon in bed, and the little spoon too but don’t tell him I told you

He acts like he doesn’t pay attention but he really does, any slight changes in your mood and he will know what’s up. Very naggy about it, will try to pry it out of you (even though he doesn’t like other doing that to him), and gets angry if you don’t tell him. Just reassure him because he wants to help, he doesn’t want you to go to others for help when he’s right there.

Hope you liked this! BTW yes we ARE friends! Plz I almost cried at the Mr.Worldwide thing. I beg of you don’t let people dump their problems on just you, you need to have a space to share your struggles too. You can always message me, tumbler is like a safe place for me rn. I’m very understanding and wouldn’t ever make fun of you, I think that’s disgusting. You must be beautiful, I don’t have insta sadly. It got a bit toxic so-. You have great music taste, and I think you are a lovely person.

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️