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#I guess that makes sense since i'm still trying to sort my shit out
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AITA for making my fiancee do extra flights to pick me up and drop me off again?
For context, I'm 24M and my fiancee is 26NB. I'm disabled and can't fly alone because of it, though to be honest even if I was able-bodied I likely still wouldn't be able to due to also having AvPD.
We're in a long-distance relationship - I live in Scotland, and she lives in Indiana, USA. We've met up several times before, all of which were her flying out to visit me with me paying for all of her flights and our accommodation etc. We began to talk about moving in together and getting her a Visa to live here, but her family understandably said they wanted to meet me first (she still lives with her parents), so I agreed that before focusing on any of that I would visit her there for a few weeks as well to meet her relatives and let her show me around like I had with her.
Since I'd paid for all of her visits here, the agreement would be that she'd pay for my flight there this time. However at the time I made it pretty clear that if I couldn't find anyone to go with me (which was doubtful from the beginning as all of my family work full-time and I don't have many IRL friends who'd be able to travel with me for weeks at a time) it would be a case of "either I have to get picked up or I can't go at all". She agreed to this and said she'd be fine with doing that as long as I paid for those flights, which I was more than happy to do as they're a favour/accommodation for me.
To try and ease the pain-in-the-ass'ness of her having to do an extra trip out here and back just for me, we arranged for her to stay here with me for a week before and a week after so it's not a case of her getting off a plane, grabbing me, and getting on another plane and she can have a break. Accommodation is all sorted for that and everything already which I'm paying for as well. Everything's been booked and she seemed totally fine with this (beyond some understandably minor grumbling about how annoying and tiring it'll be to do the extra flights which like, fair, it will be).
However, after the tickets were booked, pretty much everyone she knows blew up at me over those extra flights. As far as I'm aware her parents/friends knew that's what we'd need to do, but I guess were holding out hope I'd be able to get someone to come with me, which unfortunately I wasn't (and trust I asked everyone I possibly could because I wasn't really looking forward to throwing out the extra £2k as a disabled person who can't work either), and now that it was confirmed my fiancee would have to be doing the extra trips they were really angry about her doing it.
Her parents have, for lack of a better term, gone completely berserk. Her mom has locked herself in her room, her dad came into her room while we were on call to scream that she wasn't going and that it made no sense, that if I couldn't fly by myself then they aren't going to let her move in with me either, they removed my name from their family signs and shit, it's a whole thing. They've basically completely frozen me out over these extra trips. I know at least one of her friends is also incredibly angry at me for 'making' her do it, and has told my fiancee something along the lines of "If I ever meet him I'll be sure to make him feel guilty for this" and as far as I know has actively said they hate me over it. Everyone is telling her to cancel the trip over it, which we can't do because we just spent thousands on non-refundable tickets (and which we don't want to do anyway!).
My fiancee was taking the "Why don't they understand you're disabled?" route to me but I was worried she was saying something else to them and that's why they were so angry, but I've double and triple checked with her that she's not actually secretly super against the idea, and she confirmed again that beyond her being a little annoyed about the extra time/effort it's fine and she's down to do it and that she understands why we have to do it this way. I've apologised over and over because I KNOW it's complicated and annoying and inconvenient and if there was another way I could find I would love to take it. I've tried to do everything I can to make up for it, cover everything financially, give her the extra buffers of time before and after so it's not just a pick-up drop-off trip and is just like an extra visit here, I can't think of what else to do to make it better for her and everyone else.
But her family and friends' reactions have made me second guess everything like - is this more than just an annoying inconvenience? Am I being completely unreasonable by asking her to do it at all? It seems like everyone did a complete 180 on their attitudes towards me over it and it's making me wonder if it's actually way bigger than I can see.
What are these acronyms?
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joyce-stick · 1 year
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The Beef Stroganoff Song! (arbitrary subtitle discourse edition)
So, you may have noticed here that the subtitles in this clip (from Symphogear GX episode 3) are fairly different from what you're used to seeing when people post this video, and the phrasing in the subtitles is fairly different from what the associated memes often say
For those who don't know, Symphogear got itself released on blu-ray by Discotek, and with that came with a new translation authored by Noelle (@ulsairi on twitter ) who is notable for being the only trans lesbian anime translator I know of off the top of my head.
Her translation appears, in my opinion, really rather polished and very good, and I strongly appreciate the way it's written and how much character it adds to the dialogue by giving everyone distinct voices and adapting things into more natural English. It's also a fair bit gayer. I haven't encountered many people who've seen these subs, but I think most fans of the series would consider these a net positive change. There are some people who are mad about these subtitles, and they can die mad.
Anyway, let's talk about the different phrasing of the beef stroganoff song. I'm mostly going to compare to Crunchyroll's subtitles for reference since that seems to be what most others go off of. Here's a link to that version.
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So right off the bat we can see here that while CR's translation appears to be a lot more, for lack of a better word, functional, Noelle's translation tries to apply more dialectal force "it's beef stroganoff/Yes! It's THAT beef stroganoff!" And generally communicate through the tone how excited the girls are to get started. Additionally you'll see throughout that the latter is a fair bit more lyrical, there's a lot more punctuation and verbal tics and filler phrases written into the dialogue to express that they are singing, which makes sense since Japanese tends to omit a lot of the sorts of prepositions that Noelle threw in here,
Like, Yumi (yes I went and looked up her name on the wiki) just says "beef stroganoffu" because it's obvious from context that it is beef stroganoff, she doesn't need to spell it out, at least, not in Japanese
(We know like maybe ten hiragana and 1 kanji do not trust us on Japanese this is all just basic shit we learned from online guides)
So this probably leads to a rushed translator from Crunchyroll (they are notoriously crunched for time) who's just trying to Get It Done probably not really bothering to throw in extra additional connecting letters to express the tone of the character, only doing so when it's required to make basic grammatical sense in the target language. So they likely didn't think to make the subtitles have flourishes like this that aren't explicitly in the original Japanese. Noelle meanwhile had the time to consider things like this and take such liberties in order to attempt to convey the same tone that was arguably implied by the Japanese, even if not explicitly put forth
And that's about all the things I should not repeat I guess, TL;DR, these subtitles are more fun to read because the translator had more time to think about the best way to make them more fun while still being accurate to the spirit of the original dialogue, who'd have thought!
(In case you're wondering, the Commie subtitles say kind of the same thing here, and y'know, it doesn't seem like a wrong translation, but also I really dislike this subtitle styling, orange on pink with that font and that drop shadow is just kinda bad. I appreciate the effort but like. Come on. Please fansubbers, please think about if the font and colors you chose actually work with the image you're putting them on)
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Moving on!
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horizontal and middle rhyme with each other so you can almost actually sing this, actually let me take a moment to try it right now- never mind, I can't sing. Hahaha. I don't actually think it lines up that well with the melody But I thought it did! Didn't I? That's significant, that this actually reads like plausible lyrics to a silly song someone made up instead of a literal translation of a Japanese song
Anyway, here comes the first major difference!
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So in the Crunchyroll subtitles, Yumi says "it doesn't have to be beef" which in English (in my estimation) sounds a tad scatterbrained, like, "oh yeah sure beef but whatever really it doesn't actually matter," while Noelle's subtitles rather say "Got no beef? Don't you worry!" Which implies something different.
"It is recommended to use beef, but you may substitute something else if you are sorely lacking in beef" as opposed to "Oh the beef doesn't actually matter, zoinks lol!" CR's translation is kind of a bit funnier in how it sorta comes from nowhere without this qualification, which probably lead to this phrase's memeticness, but Noelle's translation seems more reasonable to me so yeah again, tada, yay for sensicalness.
Now here's another interesting change:
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Again, the flat manner in which the CR subtitles say "finish with salt" with rendezvous only being included because that's literally what they said, is sort of absent any stronger emotional implication,
Noelle's translation meanwhile going with "don't forget them, they need it" imparts personhood upon the salt and pepper. The implication being that the girls are saying, "the salt and pepper are in love, please reunite them, they must be in gay love together." Or maybe you think the salt and pepper cannot be forgotten and must be reunited because they are Only Friends.
Whether you choose to believe that this is the salt and pepper getting married, or merely subtext, or an interpretation, or salt and pepper shipping bait, this is a deeply important tonal indicator because it reminds you that these girls are ultimately playing with their food!
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"And there, now you're in for a treat!" I don't think I need to explain this one.
Now, here's an interesting one!
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In the Crunchyroll subtitles, it just says the memetic "boys don't know this." With no context, no elaboration, no clarity, no qualifiers. Boys don't know. Did the boys magically get their brains wiped? Are the boys biologically incapable? Who knows. Nothing is said but that.
Noelle's subtitles, on the other hand, qualify this statement by saying "Boys aren't taught to cook, so they may not know" (And note again how, it says "kno-ow" to emphasize, once more, that they're singing, and also this lines up with the long "ooooo" sound they make at the end of this lyric, so cool)
There is now context! Boys aren't taught to cook! Anime and Japan's culture in general still pigeonholes people into gender roles! And an anime translator just wrote you a hidden translation note about it! You might be a boy, you might know how to cook, but certain boys in another part of the world aren't traditionally taught cooking, so they may not know
They may not, but they could!
Trust a trans person to express gender facts with subtle nuances like this in anime translations.
And with that lovely bit of good translation and good writing and good localization of a thing to make it make sense to people
Mew!
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akiizayoi4869 · 1 year
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Zuko's Fever Dream
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This dream that Zuko has when he's going through his little "metamorphosis" (odd choice of words there, Iroh) didn't make sense to me years ago as a little kid, and it still really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me now🤣. Like, if nothing else, this dream is a prime example, and a damn good one at that, of dreams not making sense. It shows Zuko as the Fire Lord, which makes sense, seeing as all he wanted at that point was to return home and claim his birthright (even if said birthright was never his to begin with). He's surrounded by a group of Fire Nation soldiers and two dragons, who are revealed as Azula and Iroh.
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The dragon that is supposed to be Azula says this:
"It's getting late. Are you planning to retire soon, my Lord?"
"I'm not tired."
"Relax, Fire Lord Zuko. Just let go. Give in to it. Shut your eyes for a while."
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As we see in these two images here, he almost does give in to what she's saying and almost falls asleep until the red dragon speaks up.
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"No, Fire Lord Zuko! Do not listen to the blue dragon. You should get out of here right now. Go! Before it's too late!"
"Sleep now, Fire Lord Zuko."
"Sleep. Just like Mother!"
That whole dialogue exchange just doesn't make sense. The last bit that's said is interesting, and it also implies something that's disturbing on Zuko’s end: that he thinks for some reason that Azula, who was either 8 or 9 years old at the time, had something to do with Ursa's disappearance/death. Why does he think that? It doesn't make any sense to assume that his little sister had anything to do with that. It would have made more sense to have Zuko think that Ozai had something to do with it.
I guess you can interpret this dialogue as a sort of nod to their current circumstances. Azula is hunting down Zuko and Iroh for Ozai. By her telling Zuko to close his eyes and sleep, it's making him vulnerable to her, easy to capture. But then Iroh shouts at him not to fall asleep and to leave now while he still can. By doing that, Zuko can avoid being captured. That actually makes sense to me. But if this was supposed to be foreshadowing the eventual betrayal that was coming two episodes later, they could have chosen better dialogue.
The only part about this dream sequence that interests me somewhat is that Azula is portrayed as the devil on Zuko's shoulder, while Iroh is supposed to be the angel. Which, at this point in time, makes sense for Zuko to view the two of them like this. Azula is trying to capture him and Iroh, not to mention the rivalry he had going on with her thanks to Ozai’s abuse. Iroh has been the one family member he's had since Ursa left who has always been there for him. What's frustrating about this is that the narrative never makes Zuko question his views about these two. Iroh is obviously not this perfect angel who can do no wrong. He is very much a morally gray character who has done a ton of fucked up and sketchy shit. Azula isn’t the evil in Zuko's life that he must take down no matter what. That was Ozai. The fact that the narrative never challenges Zuko on his views on these two just stunts his character growth and is proof that he's not done growing.
Finally, we get up to my favorite part of this bizarre dream🤣
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This shit. Wtf is this monstrosity😭. Were the writers thinking of the freaking fusion dance from DBZ when they thought of this? It literally looks like a fusion between Aang and Zuko. No wonder the poor boy woke up screaming. If that was me, I would have woken up screaming, too. The last bit of this scene was another thing that stood out to me.
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Zuko touches his scar here as a way to reassure himself that he's still him. It just interested me because in an odd way, the scar is like a sort of comfort for him here? I guess? Idk. Maybe comfort isn't the right word to use. But this part just felt like something worth pointing out.
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markantonys · 2 months
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I'm thinking about Rand's ending in the books and I hate both the bodyswap and that he abandons everyone but at the same time I get that his sacrifice has to mean something so the world forgets him/lets him fade into myth. And him actually dying would undermine the entire point of his arc. So I'm curious how you think the show might tackle this? I'm sure there's a few options
i hate it too! but yeah, rand needs to be forgotten by the world at large and needs to get a new face so he won't be recognized, or else he will never know peace. so the way i would do it is have him fade into myth among the general public, but still remain part of his loved ones' lives and they all just keep secret the fact that this guy is rand al'thor. his whole arc is about learning to stop self-isolating and to instead let himself lean on his loved ones for support, so i felt that him ending the series by fucking off into the mist all alone was totally contrary to that and did not make emotional sense as the endpoint of the journey we'd been on with him for 14 books. i can certainly understand if he needs to take a lil sabbatical and have some time to himself in the immediate aftermath, but that should not have been the very final concluding note of his whole arc! for my own sanity i have to imagine he just took a 2-week vacation and then went to caemlyn to be with his family (and told tam, nynaeve, and perrin that he's still alive, and rescued mat from the seanchan and incorporated him into the polycule, and bargained with the creator to bring egwene and gawyn back to life........okay i'm getting sidetracked)
as for what the show might do, i'll brace myself for them to adhere to the book version, but from what we've seen in the first 2 seasons, i think that ending would make even less sense for show!rand than it does for book!rand. in 1x08, we see that his greatest dream is to live a quiet, peaceful life with his family, and now we're going on a journey of watching him be forced to give up that dream for the rest of the series. what better way to end the show than by having rand finally get to live out that dream now that his duty to the world is done? the tears i would weep if the final scene of the show was similar to his 1x08 domestic AU, but real this time! plus, the s1 ending & s2 already did the whole thing of rand fucking off into the mist all alone, making his loved ones think he's dead, and trying to start over in a new town with a new life - AND HE LEARNS THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE because he can't help but get attached to new people wherever he goes AND because he can't keep himself from remaining attached to the people from his old life and wanting to help them when he learns they're in trouble. and it also showed how his loved ones suffer because of him making them think he's dead and took a pretty hard stance in saying "no, no one is better off if rand fakes his death, not rand and not his loved ones." so i especially think rand's book epilogue scene would ring hollow in the show since s2 has specifically proven that that scenario doesn't work.
some people will harp on about happy endings being uNrEaLIsTIc, but i Do Not Give A Shit!!!! and so far the show has also shown that it's not interested in grimdark for grimdark's sake and that, like the books, it doesn't shy away from showing trauma and tragedy and yet still chooses hope & togetherness over cynicism & isolation at the end of the day, and so i think it feels very plausible for the show to give rand a bit more hopeful of an ending. (i guess the books TRIED to give him a hopeful ending what with him thinking happily about how he can travel around by himself and not be recognized, but it just felt false to me that that's the sort of thing that would make rand happy - in large part because show!rand was the first version i ever met, and i subconsciously carried his homebody caregiver stay-at-home dad-ness with me into the books even though he wasn't REALLY like that in the books in the way he is in the show. so that feels like further evidence that book!epilogue wouldn't work for show!rand.)
now as for the bodyswap, that's so tricky to imagine what the show might do. on the one hand, rand cannot fade into anonymity and be allowed to rest and set down his duties if he keeps his same body and will still be recognized wherever he goes. on the other hand, imagining rand's final moments in the whole show being portrayed by some random new actor instead of josha is so freaking sad! sad for us and sad for josha! it's fine in a book where we're in rand's head and can feel that he's still him even though he tells us he looks different, but in a visual medium, spending up to 8 seasons with josha as rand only to have his final moments be portrayed by a completely different person..........the emotions just wouldn't hit the same, it wouldn't feel like a proper sendoff for rand. granted, if moridin's actor had been in the show for several seasons already (and whether they would cast a new actor as moridin or bring fares fares back and just have the character still be called ishamael is another question i can't predict) then we'd be attached to him too by the finale, so maaaaaybe it could still feel emotional, but never as emotional as if it were josha doing that scene.
so i'm stuck here because story-wise it makes more sense for rand to get a new face, but TV-wise it's not sensible to have one of the main characters played by a different actor in their final scene(s). the potential solution to this would be, no bodyswap but have rand disguise his face with an illusion when in public so that he doesn't get recognized as the dragon reborn and get hassled.
so, okay, here's what i would do: rand wakes up in the healing tent still in his original body, but then he disguises himself and leaves the tent. he passes by his own funeral going on and slips away into the night, after exchanging a meaningful look with his partners who can sense that this stranger is him thanks to the bonds. then, cut to a proper epilogue scene of josha-as-rand undisguised in the privacy of his own home, watching his kids play with his partners by his side (and maybe all his friends and tam too if they REALLY feel like spoiling me haha) just like he told us in 1x01 he always dreamed of :')
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shina913 · 1 year
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Stalemate, Part 2 | MYG
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Stalemate (Mini-series)
Definition:  (1) Chess. a position of the pieces in which a player cannot move any piece except the king and cannot move the king without putting it in check. (2) any position or situation in which no action can be taken or progress made; deadlock
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Pairing: Woodworker!Yoongi x Fem!Reader
Rating: M 🔞; NSFW
Genre: breakup!AU; toxic relationships; angst; fluff; smut; heavy drama
Summary: "The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over."
Word count: 8K+ words
Warnings (more written in individual chapters): ANGST; problematic exes; relationship insecurities; alcohol consumption; cussing; miscommunication; past infidelity (reader had an affair with a married man but not detailed); vulnerable confessions; jealousy; verbal confrontation; lots of crying; it just gets really dramatic
A/N: Okay so...now this final installment is just...ANGST...but with payoff (I think)??? Anyway, this is un-beta'd so I hope the story makes sense!
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Now…
“You think he’s still butthurt about the whole thing?” Hyejin asks.
“I don’t know what to think.” You shrugged and took a sip of your drink. “I thought we had a clean break.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s what you think. Is this the first time you two have seen each other since things ended?”
Narrowing your lips into a thin line, you nodded. Her eyebrows lift in disbelief. “Wow…really?”
“Yep,” you say, popping the ‘p.’
“But how is that possible? He still hangs out with Namjoon and with the gallery’s construction–”
You shrugged. “I don’t know, Hye…somehow, our meetings with you guys never overlapped.” You figured part of it was due to Namjoon’s very meticulous planning.
Hyejin’s eyes widened. “Damn. And is it true that you both unfollowed each other on your socials?”
You let out an exasperated breath. “Come on, Hyejin. Isn’t that just sort of a natural thing to do after you break up? How many of your exes do you have on your socials?”
She grimaced. “Uhm…a few of them?”
Now it was your turn to bulge your eyes at her. “What?”
“Yeah. They’re still on my list.”
Your mouth falls open. “Do you ever view their profile, lurk, and see what they’re up to?”
“No, not like that,” she says. “They pop up because they’re on my feed but not because I actively seek them. They’re just there…it’s like a useless appendage or something.”
“But why even keep them there in the first place if they serve no purpose?”
“I don’t know. It’s just not a huge deal to me. I don’t bear any ill will toward them and I hope they think the same of me.”
“What does Namjoon think about all that?”
“It’s whatever. His ex is still on his list but it’s not something that keeps me up at night,” she explains. Then she gasps, looks at you, and remembers something. “Shit, I'm sorry. No offense, babe.” She reaches across to squeeze your hand assuringly.
You smile and appreciate her consideration. “None taken, babe.”
Hyejin smiles back. “Anyway, Joon and I have an understanding that all of those relationships are done. It’s about us now.”
You sigh in frustration, recalling how things went down with Yoongi. “I guess I wish everyone was in the same mindset as you both are.”
“Put it this way—I’m not bothered by it and neither is Namjoon. But if one day, he suddenly asks me to delete them off my list then I would do it, no question.”
“Really?” You did your best to hide your skepticism. Hyejin normally didn’t allow her man to dictate what she could and couldn’t do in her life.
“I would do it out of love and respect for him. If I asked him to do the same, he would too. It’s not about trying to prove a point or compromising your beliefs to please your partner. This person, whom you love, is setting clear boundaries. The question is whether you love that person enough to set a new boundary so you can honor theirs. It all depends on the situation!”
“I don’t know, Hye–you’re always so headstrong, though.”
“And so are you, YN. It’s why we’re besties,” she giggles. “But you know, when you find the right person,” she looks off into the distance and catches Namjoon’s eye, making her smile fondly, “…You wouldn’t mind loosening the reins a bit.”
You took a long swig of your drink. “Wow…you’ve changed Ms. Ahn.”
“Yeah, sometimes we need to embrace change. Although, I do miss my hoe-ing days every now and then,” she winked at you.
Truthfully, you envied her. When you and Yoongi were together, she would tease you about monogamy, yet she was always so supportive of your relationship.
You shook your head. “Well…personally, I feel like cleaning out your social media timeline is a way to move on.”
“That’s just part of it, babe. If a person wants to move on, they can and will…with or without social media.” Just then, she looks past your shoulder as something new catches her eye.
You turn your head in curiosity to find Yoongi craning his neck through the crowd as if searching for someone, until his eyes land on you. You locked gazes for a few seconds before he started moving toward you. You quickly turn away.
“Looks like he wants to talk,” Hyejin remarks. As Yoongi closes in, you see him from your peripheral vision.
“I’m gonna go check on Namjoonie,” she says with a small smile at you. Before she walks away, she gives Yoongi a quick nod.
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Then…
After a marathon of morning calls and virtual meetings, you took advantage of the lull to stretch your legs and maybe attempt to have lunch with Yoongi. He’s been insanely busy with projects as well and though you stayed over at each other’s places often, you barely spent quality time together in the last week.
You emerge from the room and hear anxious mumbling by his workshop.
“Hey,” you poked your head from the corner to see him in the middle of a tense conversation with Namjoon.
“Hey, YN!”
“Joon! Yoongi didn’t mention that you were stopping by!” You walked over to give him a hug.
“Oh, it was just a pit stop for me, among other things I'm supposed to do today,” he smiled.
“Why don't you stay for lunch? I’m making–”
“That won’t be necessary,” Yoongi says curtly, making you recoil. Yoongi sees the worried expression on your face and tries to remedy it. “What I mean to say is, Namjoon was on his way out anyway and he just told me that he’s got a full afternoon ahead.”
You turn to Namjoon, who grimaces. “I…appreciate the offer, YN but Yoongi’s right. I’ve got a lot of errands to run. Maybe next time, huh?”
“Sure, of course!” You look at him and back at Yoongi and decide not to push any further. You already knew that one of Yoongi’s clients has been extra demanding so you were on a need-to-know basis.
You leave the workshop and walk into the kitchen to check the pantry. He hadn’t gone grocery shopping in a while so instead of trying to make something, you just pull up the food delivery app on your phone to order something more convenient.
“Jagi, is there anything in particular that you’re craving for?”
“No, baby. Surprise me,” he answers distantly, continuing his conversation with Namjoon.
While placing the order, you couldn’t help but eavesdrop on their argument through the divider.
“Bro, I don’t know how you could have just let the deadline pass. Jiwon placed the order months ago and I get here and you’ve got other orders getting picked up for shipment. Orders that were placed after hers. You said that it was totally doable–”
“I know what I said, Namjoonah!” He lets out a frustrated groan. “Look, just tell Jiwon that we ran into a supplier issue. I’ll fucking fix it, okay?”
“What the fuck do you expect me to tell her?”
“Can’t you figure that part out? Isn’t this why you’re the client relations half of this business?”
You hear footsteps approach in your direction so you retreat back into the bedroom and pretend that this was just a regular business squabble between friends.
Namjoon lets out a grunt of annoyance.
“Okay, look,” Yoongi relents. “Just stop stressing out. I’ll call Jiwon myself later to let her know that her shit will get done. Alright?”
Namjoon nods. “Thanks, man. She’s in a pissy mood. Better you than me.”
******
The weekend finally arrives and you and Yoongi have plans.
You were such a nervous wreck that you start to flap your elbows as if they were wings to cool your sweaty armpits. You were meeting Yoongi’s mom tonight for dinner. She lives a few hours away and rarely visits. She was looking forward to getting to know the new woman in her son’s life.
You make your way in front of the mirror, fluffing your hair and doing some final checks on your makeup. You lean in closer and flash your teeth, making sure that you didn’t have any lipstick stains on them.
“How much longer do you need?” Yoongi asks while he leans against the doorframe. Looking at his reflection, he was handsome as ever with his hair pulled back in a ponytail and a casual look. As much as you enjoyed him dressed in his coveralls while he worked, you always considered his date-night looks a treat.
“Two minutes.” You smooth your dress one more time and turn around to make sure that your skirt didn’t have any creases on it.
“We’re just meeting my mom for dinner, not the queen.”
“I know that. I just want to make a good impression,” you rationalized. “How do I look?” You turn to him and put your hands to the sides, presenting yourself. 
“Beautiful,” he says with a soft smile.
******
Your laughs ring through the restaurant after Yoongi’s mom make a cheeky joke at her son’s expense.
“Eomma…” He warns.
“Lighten up, adeul! It’s just a little joke.”
“Sure, ma,” he responds dryly.
She sipped on her wine and turns her attention to you. “You know, YN, I really like you! You’re just so…gah…the word is escaping me right now!”
You tensed up in anticipation of the next word that would come out of her mouth.
“Refreshing! That’s what I meant to say. You’re such a breath of fresh air!” She exclaims.
Your shoulders visibly relax at the compliment.
“Thank you, Mrs. Min–”
“Please, call me eomma,” she smiled warmly. “Let’s skip the formalities! Even better, we should get together for drinks sometime–” then she puts her hand up to the side of her mouth as if to whisper in an exaggerated manner to you, “You know, without Mr. Grumpy Cat here,” she mumbled.
You both giggle like close girlfriends while Yoongi rolls his eyes.
“I’d love that, eomma! Why don’t we exchange numbers after this and we can get something on our calendars?” You proposed.
His mom beamed. “Excellent! The sooner, the better!”
You smiled excitedly at how well you were warming up to Yoongi’s mom. You had a very different idea of how this night was going to turn out. The server comes by to check in, asking if there was anything else that they can get you. You picked up your wineglass and polished off whatever was left in it.
“Can I please get another glass of cabernet?” You ask him.
“Of course, miss.” He asks the rest of the table, to which his mom requests that her glass be topped off as well. Yoongi declines.
“You know, I should say–I’m shocked that Yoongi let you order that second glass of wine.”
Your brows creased in confusion. You cleared your throat, “I…beg your pardon?” You ask slowly.
“Well, back then, Jiwon–Yoongi’s ex–she didn’t drink much. On the rare occasion that she did, Yoongi made sure to cap it at a glass. She was always uptight, that one. Nice girl, very formal, comes from a good family. But oof…so uptight. Unfortunately, that’s Yoongi’s type though…” she remarks flippantly. 
Yoongi shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Eomoni…please!”
“Was there something wrong with what I said? Are we not supposed to talk about Jiwon? We’re just having a conversation here.”
You shift your attention to Yoongi’s direction, where he keeps his eyes low. Yoongi himself had never mentioned her name to you, but you knew of their history.
You’d heard that name before…it was the same name of the person that he and Namjoon were arguing about recently. 
Deep down, you sincerely hoped that those were two different Jiwons.
******
The rest of dinner goes on without any further awkward conversations about certain ex-fiancees. You bid his mom farewell and promise to give her a call to schedule a girls’ night when she’s back in town.
Yoongi, on the other hand, looks exhausted when you get in the car. “I can drive if you’re too–”
“Nah, it’s fine. You had a couple glasses. Besides, it’s a short ride, I can manage.”
After a few minutes of silence, you break the tension on the drive back to his place.
“Your mom is so adorable. I love her!” You beamed excitedly.
“Yeah, seems like you two really hit it off. I didn’t realize you had a lot in common,” he says wryly.
You laughed. “What’s the matter with you? Aren’t you glad that your mom and I are getting along well?”
“Of course I am,” he replies, still looking straight ahead down the road, his expression unreadable.
“If you’re happy then why do you look like someone just kicked your puppy? Was it because she mentioned Jiwon?”
He lets out a frustrated groan. “Please! Can we not bring that up again?”
“Is it because she’s a princess who doesn’t drink and obeys everything that you ask her to do?”
“YN, please!” He smacks his hand on the steering wheel. “Please…just…let’s not hash that out, okay?”
You hold your tongue and cross your arms over your chest, seething the rest of the way back.
When he pulls into the driveway, he turns off the engine, then steps out of the car while you remain in the passenger seat.
“Are you throwing a tantrum?”
“No,” you say shortly.
He gets back in the car and coaxes the information out of you. “Come on, what’s going through your mind?”
“I was just thinking–maybe I shouldn’t have ordered that second glass of wine.”
He lets out a sound of exasperation and grips his forehead. “Are we still on that?”
“No, really though…maybe…” you shrug, “I don’t know, maybe I should be more like Jiwon? You know, a good girl.”
“What is your point, YN?”
“My point, Yoongi, is…why are you with me?”
“Why am I with you? W-what do you mean?”
“Why do you love me?” You press him.
He stares at you, taken aback by your interrogation. “Why do I love you?” He repeats. “What kind of a question is that?”
“A legitimate one!”
He scoffs angrily. “I don’t have time to deal with this shit right now, YN…I’m stressed, and I’m–”
“Okay. I get it,” you huff. You grab your coat and purse and step out of the car.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He barked.
“I’m calling a rideshare to take me back home!” You spat over your shoulder, pulling up your app to summon a car.
“YN, you’re being ridiculous!”
“Just leave me alone. It seems like you need a little bit of space. So I will give you that!”
At half past 1AM, your phone buzzes while you lie awake in bed. You picked it up off the nightstand to see Yoongi’s name and face flashing on your screen.
You second-guess answering…but you were the idiot who picked a fight with him. You press the green button and hold the phone to your ear, saying nothing.
“Baby…come home, please,” he begs you.
“I don’t know…I just need some time,” was all you say before you both hang up.
After another half an hour of pathetically staring up at your ceiling, you sat up and swing your legs over the edge of the bed. Like a lovesick puppy, you put on your sweats, call another rideshare to take you back to his house, where you crawl to bed and into his waiting arms.
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Now…
“Hey,” Yoongi says awkwardly as he approaches you.
“Hi,” you say icily. You couldn’t forget the comments he made to Namjoon about you while you were in the bathroom.
“Uh, listen…I just wanted to apologize.”
“Apologize? What for?”
“Y-you know,” he stutters. “I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Which part exactly?” You ask him. “That I’m loud and bring too much drama with me? Or that I’m a bad cook?” You scoffed. “I used to cook for you all those nights when you had no time to make yourself a meal because you were so busy with work. You used to say that you loved my cooking!”
“You weren’t a terrible cook,” you counters. “I just…I was being stupid.”
“Oh, I know,” you tell him and laughed softly.
Moments of uncomfortable silence later, he asks, “So uh…how’ve you been?”
“I’m good,” you answer sincerely. “You?”
“Great,” he replies. “Are you…here with anyone?”
You chuckled at his forwardness. “No, but I’m supposed to meet someone in an hour.”
His lips parted slightly, “Ah, I see,” he smiled tightly. “Like…a date or…a boyfriend?”
“What’s it to you?” You smiled enigmatically. 
“Just trying to make conversation...and I was just curious.” He looked like he wanted to say more after that but he looks away and takes a swig of his drink.
“What about you? Did you bring a date?”
He shook his head. “I haven’t spent enough time with anyone to bring them to things like this.”
“I see,” you answer. “So, just casually dating, huh?”
“What’s it to you?” He returns your question.
“Touche!” You both chuckled.
“I thought you were going to start mouthing off to me and Namjoon earlier by the bathrooms,” he laughs.
You swat the air. “Old YN may have but…I’m a changed woman now.”
“Oh, really?” He asks.
“Yeah. You know, it’s been a while and I’ve changed my ways. I try to watch what I say these days.”
Yoongi smiles guiltily.
“Besides, I used to talk shit about you all the time so…I think we’re even now.”
“Oh you have, haven’t you?”
“Oh yeah…many times! A bitch was bitter back then,” you laughed.
“I’d love to hear this!” He leans in excitedly.
“Hear what?”
“Tell me what you used to say about me.”
Chuckling, you eventually relent. “Hmm…okay, let’s see.” While you try to recall all of the angst that you used to spew at Hyejin, you are briefly distracted by his fingers, drumming lazily on the bar’s surface.
You blink away memories of his hands and other things that they were capable of. “Well, my biggest issue with you was that you had trouble letting go of the past.”
“Interesting,” he remarks.
“That, plus you were a pushover,” you added.
He doubles over in laughter. When he calms down, he says, “So…I get too hung on up on the past and I’m a pushover. That’s why you left me?”
You cock your head to the side and turn serious. “C’mon. You know exactly why I left you.”
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Then…
You drive down Yoongi’s street to find a sleek SUV blocking his driveway. You didn’t recognize it but figured it may have been a client trying to meet with him to oversee their order’s progress. Not a huge deal, you thought. You parked a block away instead.
You walk through the door with a box of pastries that you picked up on the way from your place. Yoongi loved their almond croissants so you grabbed a couple extra as a treat.
You caught sight of him standing in the workshop, deep in conversation with some unseen guests who were obscured by the divider.
With a big smile, you walk toward him to greet him. He sees you out of the corner of his eyes and a look of panic mars his features. “YN…hey.” He was surprised to see you.
You turn your attention to the two other people in the room–Namjoon and an unknown female who was crouched down, closely inspecting the legs on these accent chairs that Yoongi had tirelessly worked on for weeks.
“Hey, YN,” Namjoon greets you, while you are yet to be acknowledged by this persnickety client dressed in a designer shift dress and equally expensive heels. Her hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail...not a strand out of place.
A chill ran down your spine, making you wrap your arms protectively around your chest.
“Why are the legs uneven?” Were the first words you hear out of her mouth. “And it looks like a few of them don’t even have any finishing coats yet.”
Her voice was small, but firm in tone. It sounded like the type that was used in professional settings or presentations. It was also the type that turned shrill when provoked.
She looks at Yoongi pointedly, awaiting his answer.
“Uh, by the way, this is Jiwon, my client. Jiwon, this is YN.”
You arched an eyebrow in realization. “Oh…hi there,” you say a little too loudly. You stuck your hand out to her, offering a handshake. Her eyes flicked down to your hand while her face remained stiff. There was a slight wince in her nose, as if she smelled something bad.
Before you withdraw your hand in embarrassment, she clasps her hand in yours to shake it gently. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Yoongi’s girlfriend,” you add.
She smiles tightly and proceeds with her inspection on the products.
Namjoon stands there, breaking a sweat, seemingly stuck in limbo. The tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.
“I brought some pastries, by the way. I got you your favorite, ja–” 
“That’s great. Uhm, could you just put in the kitchen? We’re a little busy here,” Yoongi says, while closely following Jiwon’s every move.
“Oh.” The shortness of his tone stung you, but you soldier on, marking your territory.
“Anyone want anything to drink? Coffee, maybe?”
“I-I’ll take one,” Namjoon says.
“What about you, Jiwon?”
“She doesn’t drink coffee,” Yoongi answers for her.
Jiwon turns her head toward you. "I'm good, thanks for the offer," she says, before continuing her inspection.
Your chest feels tight all of a sudden but you don’t make it obvious. Instead, you smile politely and leave them to do their business.
You move into the kitchen to set your box of pastries aside then set up the single-brew machine to make some coffee for Namjoon.
Distantly, you hear their conversation through the wall.
“I don’t know. I’m really disappointed in the quality. Even the upholstering is mediocre. They look and feel rushed." She narrows her eyes at him. "What’s going on?”
Yoongi nervously clears his throat. “Nothing. All that stuff's fixable,” he says evenly. "All I need is a couple more days to do it.”
“If I give you an extension, can you actually deliver on the quality this time?”
“Of course! You don’t need to worry about a thing,” he answers confidently.
“Alright," she says with a hint of reluctance. "How much time do you need? And is this going to cost me extra?”
“I’ll, uh…I’ll eat up the cost since it was an issue on my end. And regarding timing–”
“How are you gonna get this all done? Are you sure that you can do this?”
“Yes, I told you–there’s nothing to worry about. I’ll hire more guys and pay overtime. We’ll get this done for you.”
You notice how he doesn't mind calmly and patiently reassuring her multiple times, no matter how many times she asks the same question to him in different forms and verbiage. Meanwhile, he starts getting annoyed when you ask him what he wants for dinner multiple times, after deferring to you to decide.
She's seemingly satisfied with his affirmations, she relents. “Okay. I guess Namjoon and I can just circle back?” She turns to Namjoon, who nods in agreement.
All three of them walk toward the front door.
“Yeah, just call him. Or you can call me directly to follow up, too.” Yoongi offers.
“I’ll just reach out to both of you, I guess,” she answers dryly
You peek from the kitchen just in time to see her give Yoongi a lingering hug. “Thanks again, Yoongi. I really appreciate this.”
“Of course…anything for you, Jiwon.”
With that, your heart sinks to your stomach and you suddenly have the urge to vomit. You retreat into the bathroom and hurl but nothing comes out.
******
Later that evening, you were working late on the restaurant revamp contract. You had to place a call to your other supplier to make sure that their quote was still good since the client had asked for it to be adjusted, for the fifth time.
It was a good thing you’d work with this supplier for nearly a decade now. You pretty much had the owner on speed-dial.
Unfortunately, Yoongi was planning on pulling an all-nighter so he could finish one project to make fixes to the other project that he messed up.
“Jagiii!” You yell out from his bedroom, hoping he’d hear from all the loud banging he was making.
“Yeah?” he bellowed from his workshop.
“Could I just have five minutes for a phone call?”
“Can’t you just take your call outside?” He responds.
That was weird, you thought. You could, technically, take the call outside but you needed your laptop and documents in front of you in order to make changes in real-time. 
You walked out of the bedroom and into his workshop. “Please? It’s only for a few minutes. I just really need to sweet-talk this supplier so I can get this contract sealed.”
“No!" he bristles. "I’m so behind on this project already. Every minute counts!”
You scoffed. “Seriously? What’s five minutes? This project’s already delayed. Not to mention that your backlog is nuts–”
He looked up at you and snapped, “Exactly! Do you think my work is easy? Do you think any of this–” he waved his arm at the room, “...is easy?”
You chuckled at his abrupt change in tone. “What the hell crawled up your ass?”
He huffed out a breath. “I’m saying, that I hate how you think that I can just chill every time and pull me away from my work–”
“Woah-woah,” you stop him right then. “I never said anything like that. I’m literally asking for five minutes and you’re here getting your panties in a twist.”
He tosses the mallet and piece of metal sheeting haphazardly on his work table. He raked his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “See, this is why I can’t get this damned thing done–”
“You can’t or won’t?”
“What?” He asks, utterly confused.
“You can’t get it done or you don’t want to get it done because you want to delay it further? Because getting it done means the end of your contract with her.” You walk away from the workshop and into the living room.
“Are we really going to argue about this again?” He asks, still standing in his workshop.
“Yes!” You say loudly from the other room.
Seconds later, you see him round the corner and join you. “Why? Why do we need to argue about this? What’s the point?” 
You let out a sharp breath scowled at him. “I heard the way you talked to her! Going out of your way to pay your guys overtime, moving your whole schedule around to deliver her shit…and that goodbye hug?” You let out a pained, mocking laugh.
You held off for as long as you could but you were already deep into a jealous rage. The way he spoke so gently to her, trying to assure her that she didn’t need to stress off her order. Offering to cover the extra expenses, was too much.
“She’s a client and we just happen to have a history. So?”
His flippant comment further incensed you.
"That's the point! You have history!"
He groaned. “You're getting pissed at this? When it was pretty much the same situation from when we ran into your married guy.”
“My married g—" You scoff at him. "Now you’re turning this conversation about me? My past?”
“Well, yeah! You acted all weird when we saw what’s-his-face!” He retorts.
“Right, but in my case, that was the first time I’d seen him in a while. Have I seen him again since then? No. But you? You are working with Jiwon, day in and out!” You exclaim angrily.
“‘Call me directly…’” You say mockingly. “‘Anything for you...'”
“We have a professional relationship, okay? She is my client.”
“Couldn’t you get different clients? It’s not like you have a shortage in your backlog.” You countered.
“Jiwon has been my longtime client. I’ve made many connections because of her.”
You clenched your jaw and seethed.
“You go out to dinners and have drinks with your clients all the time! You come home late after partying all night,” he scolds.
“I am not partying!” You argue.
“Sure,” he says sarcastically.
“At least I was never engaged to any of my clients,” you countered bitterly.
He glared at you. “So she’s my ex-fiancee, big fucking deal! The operative term, being ‘ex,’ okay? What is your point here, exactly? Why are you getting all worked up about this?”
You stood up from the couch and angrily stomped toward him. “Because it hurts my feelings! And I can’t help but think that you still want her.”
“But I don’t! I love you!” He insists.
“Why do you love me?” You asked in a sudden, calmer tone.
“What?” He’s taken aback by how unreasonable and ridiculous you were sounding.
“I’m asking--Why. Do you. Love me.” You punctuate each phrase. “Why are you with me? Are you with me just to prove to yourself, or to her that you’ve moved on?”
“Why are you being like this? We’re arguing in circles here!” He yells out in frustration.
“Okay, fine. I’ll make it easier for you then. Let me ask you this–are you really over her? Because if you’re not…fuck…just tell me and we can put a stop to this craziness right now.”
“I’m with you, aren’t I? What else do you want from me?”
Heat prickled at your forehead and you start to taste bile in the back of your throat. What else do you want from me? Like he was doing you a fucking favor?
“What I really want to know from you is–why is it that my ex is a problem for you? So I ran into the guy. A guy whom I haven’t had any contact with at all since I ended things and still haven’t had contact after the fact? And yet, you expect me to be completely fine with you communicating regularly with your ex? ”
The silence is deafening as he’s despondent for a minute. At this point, the tears flow freely down your cheeks.
“Don’t you think there’s anything wrong with that?” You ask him pointedly.
“I don’t see it that way.”
It wasn’t the answer that you were expecting so you drive your point home. “And you wouldn’t consider breaking off a working relationship with your ex-fiancee even after I’ve told you that the amount of access that she has to you makes me feel insecure and uncomfortable?”
Yoongi shook his head slowly. “I just can’t drop a longtime client like that.”
“You mean you won’t drop her.”
“Please, just listen–”
“You know how I feel right now?” You interrupt him. “I feel like a shiny new thing that you’re just using to prove to yourself that you’re over her. It makes me feel like a piece of shit.”
He squeezes his eyes shut, a pained expression on his face. “You think I’m using you as a rebound? Is that it?”
“Aren’t I? Maybe you only liked me because I’m the complete opposite of her! You know, I’m loud, I like to go out…I drink…I’m fun…” You swipe at the tears that spilled out of your eyes. “I’m not the type you bring home to mom. Not the type you’d marry, right?”
“For fuck’s sake…can you stop thinking that everyone’s out to hurt you?”
“Do you really love me?” You ask him point blank.
He returns your gaze and held it there for a minute before answering. “Yes, of course I do.”
“More than you love her?”
He is dumbfounded by your question. It was unexpected but you needed to know…desperately. You needed to know to help put your fears aside. Unable to meet your gaze, he looks away.
His reticence told you that you were at an impasse. Locked in a stalemate, without any moves left.
Swallowing what felt like glass shards down your throat, you say, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” You turn on your heel and walk off.
The next morning, you packed up your things and left.
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Now…
“So who did you love more, me or Jiwon?”
Growing flustered by your invasive question, he panics. “What is this, an interrogation?”
“Oh, come on…” you say in jest. “We’re just two people having an open conversation here.”
“Are you serious?” He laughs, his gummy smile in full display. “So I really have to answer that?”
“Do I look like I’m kidding? It’s not like we have ties to each other anymore. We’ve had enough time apart, time to think things through.”
“Why do you need to know so badly?”
“Because! I feel like I’m entitled to that information,” you say in a light, joking tone. Then, you turn a bit more serious. “Also…we used to care about each other at one point in our lives. I feel that I’ve earned the right to ask.”
He shifts his weight between his feet, taking a sip of his drink–you hoped–would help give him the extra push to answer. Except, he doesn’t and instead grins shyly.
“Still no answer, Mr. Min? Alright, fine!” You raise your hands in defeat. “I’ll give you easier one.” You cleared your throat. “Are you still scared?”
He finds your question humorous. “Scared of what?” He clarifies.
“Repeating the whole process. To start from scratch again–the whole getting to know one another…falling in love…only to be faced with the possibility of it not working out. We talked about that a long time ago, remember?”
His face visibly relaxed. “I do…very clearly, in fact, now that you mention it.”
“And?”
He moistened his lips and stared straight at you. “The truth is, I'm not afraid to take that gamble anymore...in the off-chance that I get lucky again and feel the way I felt when I was with you. I'd happily make that bet over and over.”
You feel your throat tighten in an instant. Your mouth opens to suck in a sharp breath. “Damn.” You start to fan yourself…now you were all flustered.
He kept his eyes on you. They wordlessly profess everything he’s been feeling all those years that you spent apart.
“And I agree that you’re entitled to know that I loved you more.”
You were at a loss. All that pomp and confidence that you felt had shriveled up at his confession.
“Well, you asked. So there you go.”
You laughed. “I know…I deserved that,” you say uncomfortably.
Your speechlessness makes him smirk triumphantly, making you both chuckle and effectively breaking the tension.
From a distance, the music fades under the chatter while Namjoon’s voice booms through the microphone. “Good evening, everybody!”
You and Yoongi turn your attention to the middle of the room, where Namjoon stood along with Hyejin.
“I just wanted to thank you all for coming out tonight. I’m so happy that I have great friends and partners who are huge supporters of local art. We have so much talent here that we need to foster and grow. I’m glad that we have a space to promote this art so that other people can familarize themselves with it and appreciate it as well. I’d like to thank my friends who have enabled me and listen to me whine about this concept for years–it’s finally happening! And of course, my fiancee–Hyejin…baby, thank you for being patient with me and supporting my dream. I love you so much!” The crowd gushes as he pulls her in for a sweet kiss.
“And with that, let’s keep this party going, huh?” Namjoon hands the microphone back to the DJ and the music swells once more.
Yoongi turns to you suddenly. “Do you want to dance?”
You laugh, “Seriously?”
“Why not? It’s the least you can do for me after I bared my soul to you,” he says.
You roll your eyes playfully at him. “Alright! Just one song,” you say to him.
You both make your way to the makeshift dancefloor and start bobbing your head to the beat. You sway your hips to the music while you both sing along to a song familiar to both of you.
As the music plays on, the crowd gathers around you, pushing you closer together.
Although you are hyper-aware of his presence and proximity, you continue to dance to the beat. You vaguely feel his hand on the small of your back, in a sort of protective stance while the crowd closes in. At a certain point, your hips were nearly fused together, and your faces were mere inches away.
And there it was, that familiar scent of pine and citrus. The memories you had locked away years ago had resurfaced once more–coming at you in a flash while you stared into his eyes. You felt yourself fall deeper into them. The inches between you decreased…and soon enough, the tips of your noses brushed against each other.
Then, you unexpectedly jump, startled at the sound and feel of your phone blaring from your pocket. You fish it out to see the name ‘Wooyoung’ flashing on the screen.
You decline the call but send a text message, saying that it was a little loud and that you’d call back.
You back away from Yoongi, suddenly desperate to enforce some distance between you two lest you completely lose the last shred of self-control that you were clinging onto.
Once you were finally away from the crowd and into a more open, quiet space, you say to him apologetically, “I have to go.”
He pursed his lips as if trying to hold himself back from saying something. You stand there, waiting and wondering if he would change his mind and just come out with it.
After a few beats of silence, he forces his mouth into a smile, then nods. “Alright,” he says simply.
You blinked slowly. It was a pathetic effort at a reality check for you. He said the right words and gave you the absolute closure that you needed for your relationship. A small part of you wondered what would have happened if Wooyoung hadn’t tried to call you. Would you have gone in all the way to kiss him?
Sadly, it didn’t work out that way so you’ll never know. “It was good to see you.” Your smile didn’t reach your eyes.
“Yeah…” he breathed out. “It was good to see you, too.”
“Well…I guess this is goodbye.”
You don’t wait for him to respond and instead, you turn on your heel and walk toward the exit. You tried to search around for Hyejin and Namjoon to say your ‘goodbyes’ but they looked like they were deep in conversation with another patron. You decide to shoot her a text when you got to your car instead.
Once you step out and the cool air hits you, you release one, big breath that you felt that you were onto for so long.
******
You sat alone in your car, contemplating the events that just unfolded minutes ago. You never thought you’d see him again–never. But, as fate would have it, your best friends managed to link up. How fucked up was that?
Your phone pinged, signaling a text. You lift the screen to your line of vision, seeing a name that was suddenly unfamiliar to you, with a text that said, ‘Headed to the restaurant now. Can’t wait to see you.’
You face falters at the promise. You sighed and leaned against your car’s headrest and closed your eyes.
What was he trying to pull back there? Making you yearn with all that talk about risking it all just to get a chance with you again. Who talks like that in real life?
Two knocks to your driver-side window startle you back into reality. You glanced over and see his cat-like features peeking through the glass.
You roll your window down and try to sound as casual as possible. “Hey! What’s up?”
He smiles shyly. “I…walked around the parking lot out back then down the block, hoping to still catch you.”
“Oh?” Your voice goes up slightly. “Haven’t had enough of me yet?” You tease him.
He chuckled at your cheekiness. “Yeah,” he sighed heavily, “I... didn’t like how we left things back there. You just ran off.”
You were incredulous. “Really? I thought we were good. I didn’t see anything wrong about the whole exchange. I said goodbye–”
“Yeah, exactly that,” he cuts you off. “You said ‘goodbye’.”
You chuckle awkwardly, confused by his remark. “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when you leave?”
“I know that but…I didn’t want you to leave.”
Your stomach does somersaults. You close your eyes for a second to internally smack yourself in an effort to keep it together. “Uhm…I…I don’t…I d–” You stutter.
“I didn’t want you leave.” He repeats firmly. “I can’t let you walk away from me again.”
“Y-Yoongi–”
“I fucked up. I should have gone after you that day.”
You feel your nose start to sting so you swallow thickly and grip your steering wheel tightly. Yes, you wished that he had called you or stopped you from leaving. But after enough time had past, you just thought that whatever he believed then was stronger than how he felt for you. Thinking about it more, you didn’t reach out to call him either to talk things through. At the end of the day, you just thought that it wasn’t meant to be.
“We weren’t good for each other then.”
“Because it wasn’t the right time for us then. We both had shit to work though–I know I did. And I realized that I’d rather do this with you than anybody else.”
You inhale sharply, trying to choke back the tears while hanging onto your last shred of self-preservation. “You hurt me,” you barely whisper.
At this point, he crouches by the driver-side door. “I know. And I’m truly sorry for what I did. I can’t change my actions or my words from that day and that’s something that I’ll never live down. But I promise to make it up to you this time…if you’ll let me.”
You rubbed your eyes in annoyance. You were incredibly frustrated with him and frustrated at the thought that was another man who was excitedly awaiting your arrival at a restaurant a few miles away. You even jokingly imposed a stupid 5-date rule before sleeping with him, but he respected your decision and you liked that about him.
Tonight was the fifth date. The night he was expected to seal the deal with you–and yet, here you were with your ex, seemingly at a stand-off.
You look straight into his eyes. “I don’t think it’s fair that you would back me into a corner like this. That’s just not–”
“I’m…I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to lose my chance again. For the longest time, I kept telling myself that if the opportunity presented itself, I would take it. And tonight…I…I just didn’t expect tonight to happen. And I know that you have plans but…I just knew that if I let this moment pass again, then I’m no better for it.”
You pursed your lips, unsure of what to say to him even though a thousand thoughts were running through your head.
“What do you want me to do? What are you asking from me?” It was all you could manage to cobble up. You were a mixture of confusion and irritation. You just wanted him to be straight with you.
“I want another chance. I want to give us another shot because…I still love you.”
At that point, his admission pushes your tears off the brim.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t mean to make you sad. I just wanted to tell you the truth. I’ve been miserable without you.”
You waited so long to hear him say those words. For a while, you agonized at the thought, wondering if he actually ever loved you. If you were even someone worth choosing.
“Why tell me now after all this time has passed?”
“I couldn’t love you as the old me then. The old me who let you down and made half-ass promises. I had to get myself together.”
“Oh, so now you’re ready?” You ask sarcastically, swiping at your cheeks.
He stares at you earnestly. “Yes,” he says firmly. “It took me some time to realize that I was being stubborn. I thought that I didn’t need to change anything because I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. And it took me that whole time to really get what you were trying to say to me….what you asked me to do for you.”
You let out a chuckle. “I’ve had plenty of time to think about that, too and realized that I was being unreasonable back then.”
“Maybe. But…the more I thought about it, I realized that you were asking me for assurance and I refused give it to you…when I really should have.”
“Look, I shouldn’t have questioned the way you ran your business,” you demurred. “I crossed a line—���
“But that wasn’t it, though,” He insists. “In reality, there was no other logical reason as to why I kept a longstanding contract with Jiwon. I was trying to torture myself because I believed that I could totally look past that history and keep it strictly professional.”
Years ago, you would have pointed and laughed at him, and done a victory lap on your vindication.
“I was completely delusional back then and I needed time to figure the rest of my shit out.”
“And have you?” You ask him.
“Yeah, I have…and I found out that I still very much have trouble letting go of the past,” he concluded wryly.
You both chuckle at his honesty. Minutes ago, you had your hand on the ignition, ready to leave him…again. 
“Yoongi…”
“I know, I know…I have the worst timing,” he says ironically.
It was the understatement of the century. When you walked out of your door earlier tonight, you had no idea that you’d run into Yoongi, much less receive a proposition from him.
You couldn’t argue against the fact that he hurt you badly last time. You wanted him to go after you when you walked out on him…But just the same, you had to work through your own issues, too. The time apart was necessary to do some growing.
Truth be told, you were perfectly fine at the start of the evening. You were having fun, taking trips down memory lane.
But there was always something about him. Something that no amount of time or distance would fully make you understand the hold that he had on you.
You had moved on from past lovers without incident. But you fell for Yoongi so deeply in the shortest amount of time. When it all ended, you wondered every now and then, whether the untapped potential of your relationship was what made that ache linger…or perhaps it was just him.
The tension is broken when your phone rings again. You glance at the screen and it was what-his-face’s name flashing.
You look up at Yoongi, whose face falters slightly but he relaxed his shoulders and stood up from his crouched position. He still bends down a little, leaning on the window frame.
“I know you have somewhere to be so…I guess I’ll just leave it at that. You can call me…or whatever. I just didn’t want to let this moment pass without getting that off my chest.”
You sighed heavily at the option he’s left you with. You glance at the missed call notification that flashed on your screen.
“Please get home safely, okay?” He taps his palm on the roof of your car softly and with a soft nod, he begins to walk back to the venue.
You were torn–torn by the sound of the unheard message alert that sat in your voice mailbox and Yoongi’s fading footfalls.
But deep down, you already knew what you wanted. Your mind and heart had already decided for you the second that you saw him from across the room this evening.
Now, all you had to do was propel your body to physically execute that decision.
You swipe at your phone screen to make the notification disappear then push your car door open.
“Yoongi, wait!”#
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◤Part 1 | Main Fic Masterlist
You've reached the end, thank you for reading! If you loved it and/or curious to learn more, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn't like it so much, I would still like to hear about it💜
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Tags: @internetjunkdrawer @itdoesntmatterwhy @yoongukie-ff @deepseavibez @miksancheese @shesoldbutcute @yu-justme @joonschocochip @starbtslove
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sublimecatgalaxy · 1 year
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Hi, if you are still taking requests would you be willing to write something fluffy with Cassie Howard please?
Sure honey, I haven't written Cassie stuff in so long so this was definitely refreshing! She definitely needs a happy relationship lol.
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"She's different since she's met you." Lexi suddenly speaks up from across the room, her eyes watching Cassie and their mom move in the kitchen as they prepare dinner. My head cranes back to look at my girlfriend, her hands carefully putting her hair into a slick bun on the top of her head before she gets to work rolling out the pizza dough, flour all over her face in just moments of helping.
"She's been through a lot." I whisper, thinking back to all the times Cassie's broken down in my arms about the rumors and the videos, the pictures, everything that was circulating throughout our school about her during her, so called, 'wild time'.
Wild time is an understatement.
"I know. But she was so selfish before, she wasn't thinking straight." Lexi sends me a sad smile, hands picking at loose thread in the rip of her jeans. "I think that you were just the breath of fresh air that she so desperately needed."
"Like you and Fezco, huh?" I tease, watching a heated blush break out across Lexi's cheeks at the mention of her secret relationship with the most well known, local drug dealer (who apparently is the biggest softy).
"Yeah, you could say that." She sighs, eyes rolling playfully before moving back to the topic of Cassie. "I never would've guessed she liked girls, ya know? But it kinda makes sense."
"I always thought you were the raging bisexual, Lex." She shrugs proudly and holds her glass of water up to me in a sort of salute, which I do right back to her with a giggle.
"You know me, always keeping people wondering." She boasts. "I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for helping her become who she is." My heart swells with pride, so proud that I was able to accidentally help Cassie by meeting her but also proud that I managed to help her feel loved after being screwed over by so many people in her life. "I'm happy to have my sister back."
"I'm just lucky to have her- lucky to be in your lives." I smile, looking back at the kitchen to find Cassie staring at Lexi and I, motioning her finger back and forth between us with a hesitant smile.
"Are you guys talking about me?" She squeaks, an embarrassed smile on her lips as she flashes Lexi a desperate look. "Lex, don't scare her off!" She wipes flour onto her shirt before moving to step down into the living room, hands on her hips and eyes wide and frantic.
"Only good things, babe." I promise but she just gives me a look of disbelief, shaking her head at me.
"Mhm, sure."
"Y/n knows better- if she wants shit on you, it's not Lexi who's got those stories, it's me!" Their mom calls out from the kitchen and I snicker, raising a hand to my lips to conceal my grin as Cassie huffs pathetically.
"Mom!" She squeals and Lexi all but falls over laughing. Cassie looks to me and holds a hand up to her mom, her beautiful eyes begging with me to drop this even though she has to know by now that we all love ganging up on her to pick on her.
"Don't humor her, please."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Taglist: @bubblebuttwade @rafelover2405 @leslienjazzy @sorceresss @grxnde-dwt @alex–awesome–22 @bunnietoof @niyamar1e @serialghost @plantlungs @geniusohn @akaliltimmytim @lilaalouuxx @xshariex @elliotsbeigeguitar @elle4404 @lelieja @srhxpci @joselyn001 @taysirene @spinkspanther @thedivineuphoria @peter-maximoffs @tsukishimawhore @poohkie90 @szlaco @distantsighs @nstyles4299 @wolflover384 @givemefoodandlovesstuff @vane28282 @yeswhatever33 @amirrahfranson @vvaalleennttiinna @f-mu @yaspillz @jeyramarie @skylievin@abbybarnes17 @jointherebellion215 @visiondaddy @steezysimfinds @its-ya-gay-boi-luigi @crunchytoenailsyum@glizzymcguirex @beth123lg @melovesmut @rafecameronswhore @ariianelle @write-from-the heart @vampviolets@haylee-e @honee-chai-tea @lokiandbuckywife
s@officiallyunofficialperson@heyaitsklaudia@rosepetalsparks @bluetreecloud20 @scenesofobx @double-shot-of-tequila @1dluver13xx @colbysbrocks @iamasimpingh0e @loveshineslikethesky @id-3-kbro @diorsitgirl @errorfound101-allideasburnedout @neverwillknowme18 @ellyskey @taylors-folk @loversjoy @myaloveee @thyris-is @lagataprrr @aaaaslaaaan @witxhy-lexx @minjix @luvroseee @tee-swizzle @savageneversaw @admiringlove @hysteriahall @piceous21 @starlightandfairies @igotmajordaddyissues @drewstarkey-wife1
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nyacchiiatos · 4 months
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my issue with littlest pet shop: a world of our own
hi! as you can see i have a bone to pick with this show, but i'm going to be criticizing the overall premise rather than individual episodes (i can't bring myself to watch any). nothing exactly provoked me to post this, it's just something i felt like ranting about because i always found it pretty strange and sort of like a slap in the face towards those who liked the 2012 series. very long post incoming 😭
first of all, the entire concept of AWOOO (im going to refer to it as that because the title is way too annoying to type out each time) in context of lps' brand as a whole doesn't make sense. hasbro refers to it (in a backhanded way to jab at 2012) as "a pet-only world made by pets, for pets." this premise alone is contradictory to the entire lps brand. it's called littlest pet shop, not littlest animal universe. the 2012 show made this work by having an actual pet shop with a daycamp area like you would expect irl. yes, the show had humans which i agree sometimes took over a bit too much, but it's meant to be a city-based slice of life cartoon. the main cast are actual pets, they have owners, they have their own homes, like any pet irl would. that's... why they're called pets. whatever AWOOO was trying to achieve just completely defeats the purpose of a pet shop existing. i have no doubt in my mind that hasbro felt so inclined to sweep 2012 under the rug by rushing this half-assed reboot out as fast as they could to satiate all the "bring back the old lps" commenters. there was literally nowhere online you could view content of the 2012 series in ANY site, without the comments being FLOODED with "bring back the old lps." it got to a point where fans were borderline harassing the hasbro employees, recording themselves calling them on the phone for views and clout, and encouraging others to do the same. and guess what? it worked. instead of continuing working on the show while easily selling toys that fans were more in favor of, hasbro thought it would be a better idea to just completely abandon 2012 as a whole and then proceed to act like it never even existed. there was no good reason for them to not continue producing the show (iirc it had pretty good ratings and was one of the most popular hub shows next to mlp ofc) while also selling toys that would cater to both newer and older fans (granted they probably can't sell multiple generations at a time, but still). so ultimately, they hurried this little reboot to get it out there as fast as they could and passively shit on 2012 while talking about its premise. seriously? "no humans getting in the way anymore! we have a WHOLE NEW lps cast with no big headed humans named blythe or her ugly friends! no more communication barriers, because thats no fun! isnt this show just SO much better than 2012?" they were so ready to just throw the 2012 series and everything related to it in the trash. AWOOO was not made out of love and respect. it was made as a way for hasbro to try and get their fans back by proving just how much better this reboot was in such non-discrete manners. they thought of the quickest and easiest way to regain their audience and ran with it, without ever thinking about how it completely diminishes what all the previous generations stood for.
i was one of the very few people who loved the 2012 lps series since it premiered. being a child on the internet in the early 2010s definitely brought down my happiness when watching the show because of the overwhelming negative feedback it was getting along with the rebrand in general (something im VERY nostalgic for). regardless, i continued to tune in whenever it was on tv and i saw myself growing up with the characters. to say that this show had potential is an understatement. the producers intended to make more seasons and you just knew they wanted to keep it going (this was confirmed btw). they weren't in a hurry to get something better out there, until the "bring back the old lps"ers finally got their way. but honestly? it's not completely unheard of for large companies to eventually cave in to the public opinion if it means they'll make more profit. they were desperate, and it was definitely showing.
one of the things i have the most issues with is how hasbro proceeds to COMPLETELY ignore everything regarding the show nowadays. as some of you know the show's 10th anniversary was last november, which i and many people had participated in a large art collab to celebrate and honor the show's legacy. want to know what hasbro did to celebrate? nothing. absolutely nothing. what's even worse is that michael kopsa, the voice of roger, had passed away very shortly before the shows 10th anniversary. and guess what? complete silence. that's just incredibly disrespectful to be completely honest. someone who brought his best work to your show and others on the same network (if im remembering correctly at least) and was such a joy to be around, and this is how you thank him? not a single piece of acknowledgement, all because you're too scared to ever talk about 2012 again because of the scary older fans that persuaded you to pull the plug on the whole thing? you weren't even willing to make one little post offering your condolences? oh because you just can't ever mention that show ever again, it'll spark those negative comments just like before. and you've made it abundantly clear that you care more about profiting off these people than having some kind of self awareness.
i apologize that this got so heavy, i've always wanted to properly write down my honest thoughts about this whole thing because ive been unhappy with it for years and years now. if you like AWOOO, i don't care. i wont give you a hard time for liking it, because the show itself isnt inherently bad. just what went on behind it is what bothers me so much. the fact that hasbro can completely ignore their own creation for what... 7 years now? is beyond my comprehension. they can keep pretending it never existed, but small groups of people online have been rediscovering this show and remembering how much they loved it when they were younger. you had a good thing going here hasbro, it sucks that you had to completely abandon it. but i think i can speak for a few people that this show has always and will always hold a special place in my heart and my childhood memories. even if we can't get more from it, we shouldn't forget to appreciate and cherish what we did get. and nobody can take that away.
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thewertsearch · 1 year
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Ask Comp 13/4 - 2
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Yup! The Alpha timeline offers a novel solution to the problem of Sylladex capacity. If the Captcha index only needs to be consistent in the Alpha timeline, then it doesn't have to worry about reserving index space for every possible item.
If this is how things work, then the Sylladex isn't predestined, per se - it's enforced. Everyone has a finite set of objects that they're allowed to captchalogue, and if you pick up anything else, your index is invalidated - and your timeline is pruned.
You could still call it predestination, if you were so inclined, but that's only partially accurate. It's more that you're coerced into 'choosing' one particular destination - or else.
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I'm loving these voice headcanons. Scratch as Emperor Belos is inspired.
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What the hell? That's amazing.
Based on my (admittedly limited) experience with web administration, it's not all that surprising, either. Hacks like this are shockingly common.
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No worries! The vast majority of followers don't actually interact with these posts' notes, but I still assume they're reading them. Just a quirk of Tumblr's norms.
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My best guess is that the drones would arrive when the troll is on the cusp of adulthood, shortly before they leave Alternia. That would give them as much time as possible to form potent relationships - which would, in turn, give the Empire the most potent wrigglers.
I still think it would motivate younger trolls, though. I mean, if all single people are executed at eighteen, you might feel a little pressure to enter the dating game early.
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Never forget the Der-sayer incident.
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Rereading it, Karkat scans as sad, angry, resigned, confused, lonely, and trying to bottle up an avalanche of "FRESH RAGE."
I think we're both half right, here - he's drowning in a tide of pretty much every negative emotion imaginable.
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Thank you!! We triple-checked, and it seems like Tumblr ate the first half of this ask :(
Much appreciated, though!! I love that metaphor for coming up with scattershot theories.
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Oh, that makes sense. Can't believe I missed a Hussie pun, but that one was a little harder to notice.
This makes it sound like the universe is tethering her to life, just as she tethers it. What is up with this lady?
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That's true! I'm pretty sure it's both.
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I'd always imagined Equius as being pretty tall. They're all the same height in sprite art though, so I think it's another case of sprite art being non-representative.
I'm withholding judgement on the Meowrails until we get more interactions between them. Their early conversations were a little worrying, but it's possible that Hussie hadn't fully fleshed out the concept of Moirallegiance at the time. We'll see how they interact now that how their quadrant works has been expanded on.
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[ Problem sleuth is still hosted there😁- C ]
It still seems to work for me!
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Oh, fun! I guess John's birthday does sort of fall into a half-pattern with the others.
Still, it would have made more sense for him to be in a line with the other Players - his Chumhandle doesn't match theirs, either, so maybe John's just a weird case.
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Thank you! I feel like this sort of analysis can only really be applied to fictional characters, though. Everything a character says or does is the result of a deliberate choice made by a writer, and I can use my knowledge of that fact to frame my analysis.
In real life, though, people just say shit - often for no reason, or for reasons they don't understand themselves. People are a lot more complicated than even the most well-written character, and understanding them requires a whole different skillset!
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Someone also posted Hussie's author comment about this. It's been years since I watched the movie - and if I recall correctly, it was also pretty meta itself. Maybe I need to watch it again, as reading material for Homestuck.
ferretlady97 submitted: talking about the book commentary reminded me of something i was gonna send you when the troll black queen took off her ring but forgot "Note that when she takes the ring off six orbs are filled. Three players from the blue team have entered the session, and three from the red team. Aradia was the second of the blue team to enter. Nepeta was third. Aradia's entry is when the frog mutations took effect on the ring-wearer. And then an interval passed before Nepeta's entry. Which means the queen actually spent a decent amount of time looking like a frog, deliberating whether or not she could put up with this for an entire game session. Ultimately, she couldn't hang in there. But this does imply she at least tried." i just think it's funny thanks for your time
The language used here - the fact that she couldn't 'put up' with her transformation into a frog, and couldn't 'hang in there' - seems to imply that doing so harms her in some way.
All the frog symbolism is still a closed book to me. What exactly does Bilious Slick represent or symbolize that Derse hates so much?
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[ you got another ask about LOLCAT but it has classpect spoilers so I'm saving it for later - C ]
I suppose that could work - but then again, it seems that 25% of all Lands have some association with water, so it can't always represent Life. I do want to come back to this later, though, when the Classes and Aspects are better defined.
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Send away! It'll be a while until I use them, though.
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I appreciate it! That's a minimum bound that I'd have to pick up the pace to reach, at this point.
Hey, what can I say? I'm here for a good time, and a long time. >:)
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I keep forgetting that LOSS is a references to a fanfic. I associate it more with you, the LOSS Anon!
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If she can't, she's definitely phrasing things in a misleading way, trying to imply that she can. The Tavros scene is arguable, but I really can't think of any other way to interpret how she talks about the Consorts, unless she's straight up lying - and she really doesn't do that much.
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Vriska 100%s the game, but skips all the cutscenes?
...yeah, I can see it. Every side quest is another chance to win!!!!!!!! >::::)
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Archon war anon
Very fair on the roman apartments thing! That was more of a "If I had to make this as we can see it work, how would I do it?" than anything serious. There's enough space around there that I would doubt the people there would have felt the need to cramp into living space like that. I'm also just mentally trying to insert towns everywhere I can for the sake of my many competing god territories story, so that influences how far I'm willing to stretch.
The viewpoint does say scattered, and you're right, that scattered isn't what you'd use for "fled together with the adepti".
On the Geo Diaries/Zhongli's story quest, you are very right on that. But another theory that it made me think of, for the mora-house at least, is maybe that story comes from Zhongli's original people before he joined Guizong? Drawing from the stone tablets book again, he supposedly raised Mt. Tianheng out of the water and had some people there on Shanhui Rock/Fort. Maybe the mora-house story comes from further back than the founding of Liyue Harbour? Given that he apparently had Shanhui while with/before Guizhong, and she set up the ballista to defend it, I think it'd make sense for there to be some sort of earlier settlement that maybe got renamed when Morax took all of his people there after she died. This doesn't work out so well for the many gods thing, but it does play into the "Morax had control of most of Liyue" thing pretty well.
I refuse to believe that people had to relearn how to build stones after getting to the harbor though. That's so useful, and the kind of thing that I think is both basic and widespread enough that I can't really see it getting lost.
The scattered theory, even as a non-canon thing to play with is pretty fun! I was plotting out more of the war in a pre-write brainstorm yesterday and ended up writing it in? Not as far as I think you've been advocating for, but I wrote that Morax kind of dumped his surviving people on his allies and adepti and went off to rampage on his enemies for a bit. And none of his allies or adepti had the resources to take all of his surviving people, even though a bunch died when Guizhong died, so they ended up a little scattered.
:) thank you for the replies, this is so much fun! ily too!
this is fun, yeah! i love rambling about liyue history
i guess it is possible that the account of the mora house comes from a long long time ago? and that it just got for whatever reason repurposed for the founding of the harbor? since the guy explicitly speaks of it in the context of building liyue harbor. it would make sense, i could never really get this idea into my head since i, too, had always been of the opinion that the liyue migration must've happened relatively shortly after the fall of the assembly, so them having to relearn how to make houses would make no damn sense. even if it had been generations between the assembly and the harbor, that's still like- like you said with the stones, i don't think people just forget how to build a damn house. but then zhongli just says that it's true???????????????? idk man. again i know he's a little shit but i don't think he purposefuly spreads/actively perpetuates misinformation of that type. (i've come to the realization that all the misinformation he seems to not care about enough to try and make an effort to correct revolves around himself. like he will correct misinformation on other subjects but seems to care very little about misinformation surrounding morax/rex lapis. i might just be missremembering though)
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isa-ghost · 1 year
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Hm ok not sure how to write this post but it's a fun thing and I've been wanting to gush about it for weeks. Uhhh
Achievement Unlocked: Finally found something that's pushed me closer to agnostic than atheist??
Basically, I was seeing an obnoxious, totally inexplicable amount of hawks and corvids in my area irl, especially whenever I was stressed. So I asked all my witchy friends about it (one was straight up born into a coven, it's fuckin sick 🤩) and they sent me some stuff those animals symbolize.
And then I asked about what deities/entities they're associated with. They sent me a short list, so I started looking into each one to see if I felt a strong pull to any of them. One of them was Apollo, the Greek God of [A Lot of Cool Shit]. Right away, I clicked with him. The god of truth, prophecy, healing, the arts. It's all stuff that matters a lot to me. I especially found it fascinating he's said to be a protector of the young, and I, a psych major, want to be a therapist of some sort (read: healer) specifically for teenagers. He's also Known for being incredibly bisexual, and even though I'm pan, my sexuality is still a huge part of me. And a lot of other things about him clicked with me too, both big things like my career goal and my identity, and small insignificant things like the fact that he's a Sun God and I'm a Fire Sign. There were way too many coincidences and connections I was making to myself while reading about him to just think nothing of it. Most damning of all, hawks and corvids are said to be his messengers. If that wasn't a "Hello Isa I've been trying to contact you about your car's extended warranty" moment, I don't know what is. So I said fuck it, I'm gonna give working with him the way my witchy friends work with their deities/entities a try.
It's been like three weeks now? And I haven't done much but I'm really happy about the concept of it all. I see hawks and crows a lot still, especially when I'm stressed or upset (One morning I was getting roadrage omw to school and I shit you not, I watched a hawk land on a street lamp and there was a crow sitting on the very next one. I couldn't help but laugh). I got myself a necklace with a crow on it because I don't really have a space to do formal practice type stuff. And last night I had my wife do a tarot reading for me, and the gist of it was "you have a budding relationship, it's a good thing and it'll help you, nurture it with all the creative freedom you like and be chill about it." Which is basically what I've already been doing.
But my favorite part of this wild ass development is that I realized while reading up on Apollo that my whole life I've thought of or spoke about something and then it either happened or something related to it would suddenly show up in my life right after. I don't believe in ✨️manifesting✨️ and holy shit I'm not calling myself psychic whatsoever, but this weird coincidence thing has been happening to me as long as I can remember and I've been noticing it even more after looking up Apollo, both irl and in my dreams. I think Apollo's dodgeball being my favorite Tumblr meme before this all happened to me is making a comedic amount of sense now.
I'm still pretty skeptical of most religious practices because I just. Am one of those people, I guess. And I had Catholicism shoved down my throat by my dad as a kid, AND I'm queer, so I have a Bad relationship with the concept of religion as it is. But this feels right, and it's fascinating to me, and the idea that these weird happenstances in my life could be a figure that represents several things that make up my core values and my identity trying to get my attention feels really touching. It feels like something wanted my attention so badly, and I've been happier since I gave it a chance.
TLDR: After consulting my witchy friends about some weird shit that keeps happening to me irl, I did some light research and figured out I feel a strong connection to the god Apollo. He represents a lot of things that matter to me and the concept has made me a lot happier recently. And I'm pretty sure he's given me minor dodgeball privileges. I'm finally invested in some form of religious practice, and best of all its one I kinda get to just make my own because it's not an organized one.
So if yall need a dodgeball thrown at something, maybe I got you. 👈🏻👀👈🏻
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queenlua · 1 month
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ugh religion/politics venting
* today i read the latest in the depressingly long series of incidents in the saga of, "the Southern Baptist Convention simping for the goddamn child molesters/enablers in their own church." i know i'm phrasing that in the maximally inflammatory way; i don't care. it's not like there's a whole fucking gross awful history here or anything
anyway i have felt bizarrely emotional about it, for someone who left that church over a decade ago and has no strong attachment to it otherwise. i guess it's like, i read that article and thought to myself "jfc, where are people even going nowadays, like, if your church's senior leadership sucks that much you gotta leave, right." and i was sort of tempted to call up some of my old church-y friends and ask "ok where are you going now," but... (1) hahaha a lot of my church-y friends left all churches whatsoever a long time ago, and (2) the ones who remain, like, i'm not close enough to them to ask, right? if i called them and randomly asked them intrusive questions about their Religious Organization Feelings, they would peg me as the obnoxious chick who left to go become a coastal liberal elite and now is being a dick to them. and i mean i wouldn't be trying to be a dick but i would be being awfully nosy and presumptuous, right
anyway, my wondering about that sent me down a whole rabbithole of "which congregations are actually growing in the US nowadays anyway," and while it's gratifying to see that the SBC shrinking, i don't exactly love the growth of pentecostalism in its place, right, seeing as "pentecostal brainworms" is at least partially responsible for like 50% of my trans friends getting kicked to the fucking curb by their parents the second they Deviated From The Script. so, y'know, fuck that
i did learn that the "free will baptist" denomination skews surprisingly young and, wow, what a kickass name for a denomination. i know nothing else about them but i hope they're as cool as the image in my head
...anyway, all that idle research didn't really do much to assuage how fucking weirdly furious i am over the SBC. like, i sincerely think the SBC mostly sucks and hasn't been redeemable pretty much ever, but it was also a cultural juggernaut in my youth, and one sort of hopes one's cultural juggernauts might find some way to reform into something humane, or at least fade away with grace. it's somehow secondhand humiliating and depressing to see it devolve into what i knew was always there at its core: gross old men power-tripping and protecting their own and never never never coming down on the side of anything that felt good and right in my heart of hearts
* unrelated but since i'm being unvirtuous and Politicsing On Main anyway:
every goddamn thing i've read out of netanyahu's mouth makes me want to punch his stupid face in until his skin is paste and the paste is mush and the mush is fine little bits of organic matter to feed the soil. and still the dude will not have suffered enough. not to be former-southern-baptist or anything but: i hope keeping your precious status & deliberately inflaming the most brainpoisoned rightoids in your nation & all that other shit is worth the fires of hell that await you after buddy!!!!
i don't have a Sophisticated Take on the israel/gaza stuff, but. at the end of the day i have cultivated a caveman's sense of morality, as a reaction to my tendency to over-intellectualize, and that caveman's sense of morality imo has served me pretty well, for instance: when The Big Guy is beating the everloving shit out of The Small Guy, the thing that is happening is fucked and i don't care who started it, it's gotta stop well before, i dunno, "bombing the shit out of a bunch of kids" for fucking starters. this works for an awful lot of Big Guy vs Small Guy scenarios. try it sometime
(i hate that i even remotely feel the urge to caveat it this way but to be clear: bibi & his homicidal campaign != judaism. judsaism rules, antisemitism is bullshit. but no more fucking more kids dying in a stupid campaign, ceasefirenow etc)
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system-of-a-feather · 2 months
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Hi I'm sorry if you don't take asks like this but I really need some advice. I think I'm a system, it's becoming more and more clear to me and I think we're a system of four girls. I (I guess as the "host") am trying to communicate but I can only really hear certain things at certain times which makes communication really hard. Do you have any suggestions to help with that?
(As a disclaimer, I am going to respond to this on the assumption that you are correct that you are a system as we don't really like to assume people are or are not past what they say for themselves and from reading this I think that assumption is fitting for this anon; sorting out if you are a system is a whole headache of a thing that we can't comment much on, but I do want to put out best wishes on that cause damn that shit be rough)
Oh it's fun days of early system-hood and what not.
I wanna be upfront, its been a while since we've had to actively work with communication and high dissociative barriers so any suggestions and advice I might give here might be a bit "dusty" in the sense I haven't really been in your position for a while and thus I have to think back some to how it used to be for us so I wanted to apologize if any of this comes off as out of touch with the stress of being new to it.
Largely in earlier periods of identifying, getting to know, and communicating with parts that have higher dissociative barriers, I typically used to approach it in a few ways. I often try all of them and some parts and some situations work better with one approach than the other and what not.
Try to find out patterns and me mindful of what is going on and what sort of things seem to be correlated and related to the times when you do hear those parts.
It can be very helpful to have an idea of what parts (or if you are struggling to identify parts vs mood swings vs etc; what states of emotional regulations that feels incongruent with your sense of self) seem to occur relating to certain things going on in life and/or stimuli and/or experiences.
Often - at least in our experience - parts are prone to being near the front, prone to being closer in communication, easier to internally communicate with when something in life / in the environment is activating "their part of the brain" (which is our way of saying something that is connected / meaningful to that part).
If you can identify some of those patterns in life / the environment with the parts that are up and around, it can help you mentally prime yourself to notice opportunities where you might have an easier time reaching a part.
Additionally, later on as I suggest having a less direct approach early on as some parts can find it uncomfortable and "too forward" in my experience so take it slowly and respectfully, setting up the environment to have things associated with them and setting some mental space aside to actively try to reach them. It's always this kind of silly thing - especially when it doesn't work cause it doesn't always work - because it feels like some summoning ritual, but I like to think of it a lot more like a moderated meditation that is more internally focused on trying to talk to your parts than it is trying to be "present in your body" which can be extremely triggering for people with C-PTSD / DID that haven't gone through a lot of trauma processing.
If internal communication is still hard and/or you have a trusted person that you can talk to and reliably trust with venting, personal issues, etc - ask if they could help.
Having an external person can really help in the early periods of trying to mediate and communicate messages to other parts in a more natural manner. It does require that the person be someone you know you can trust and someone that is cool with doing this and so I suggest you ask if they are willing to first cause... ya know, boundaries are important, especially with your trusted confidants.
But if you have someone who is safe, trusted, and willing to do so, it can be helpful to ask them "hey if I suddenly change my mind on this can you remind me (insert thing)" (<- good for when you don't know any part in specific but have noticed this is something that isn't coordinated), "if I start doing XYZ or claim I am XYZ can you let them know / pass on the message that (XYZ)", and for parts that aren't the host and/or have information that the "host can't know but might be helpful to someone wanting to support them" you can also tell that person "hey Host doesn't need to know the specifics but here is some context so please be kind about this" (<- helpful when you have a trusted person who is willing and wanting to help you as a whole heal as their knowledge of it can help slowly ease hard concepts to parts that were otherwise unaware)
Having an external person help facilitate can be helpful in priming yourself to be aware and cognicent of other parts and help get important messages through.
Use writing, maps, and journals.
And if neither of those work OR you just want to try another method along side them, a thing I found that was immensely helpful early on was to just have a journal, notepad, or something to write on. Setting a habit and precedent of writing notes and leaving them in the open, putting annoying commentary on notes that were taken at school (may that be hi or playful jabs or whatever your communication style is) - it sets a good will and good foundation for being open to conversation and a good intent to want to get to know the others that share the life
A thing that I found that was helpful later in life for really complex conversations was to kind of just do a brainstorming web with colored pens, assigning / claiming one color to a part then - with whoever is out - looking at it, filling out all the main lines of thought to the topic as they have and literally writing down every thought that may be even the slightest relevant in a kind of "brainstorm web" style that makes sense
Then you can set that aside in a place you know the body frequents a lot with other pen colors (maybe put an instruction on the top to "just add your commentary and thoughts" if the dissociative barriers are high) and hope that the next time someone else is out (or if you do the "summoning ritual" thing from the top you may be able to get someone out, but again, don't do that unless you have permission from the part) they will add to the web. And the time it takes to get a full image of what multiple parts think and feel on a topic will vary depending on the parts, topic, and your experience of doing this and what not, but overtime youll get a more collected and cohesive summary of what multiple parts are thinking and which parts think that and which parts disagree. Then when you have a lot of information, you can look at the whole brain storming web and kind of try to understand the overall picture before making a decision.
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toh-tagteam-au · 2 years
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Is Hunter still going to be aroace in your au?
EDIT: I’m going to be sticking with Aro Hunter going forward, and I appreciate all the replies to this post! I’m keeping this up for personal reference, but just a heads up I’m no longer unsure. 
Original answer below:
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Im glad you asked this because I've been wanting to make a separate post about this since Labyrinth Runners but I kept chickening out. Apologies for the wall of text in advance.
Full disclosure + some context before I get into it: I really like keeping Tag Team as close to canon as I possibly can. It's why towards the beginning of development I kept certain plot points open ended. I'm lucky that I didn't have to retcon any comic parts that were already posted pre-season 2b (the next few updates would have been ruined by some of the reveals in Hollow Mind, so I'm kind of glad I waited).
I never really expected Hunter to get into a relationship/hint at attraction at all back when it was season 2a, so I was comfortable having him be aroace since the chances of it being conflicting with canon were slim. I was in the group of people who were like "there's no way his character arc would have that much time/it would be rushed/wouldn't make sense if it did happen" etc. Plus, I'm aro myself. I was kind of excited to do a storyline that sort of reflected my own experiences with attraction and lack thereof. And I liked the ships that fandom brought forward, but I wasn't expecting them to move past the crack-ship category. So again, I felt secure in my canon-compliant-ness of Hunter's aro-ness.
But season 2b introduced the REALLY INTERESTING concept of Hunter and Willow actually being canon somehow. Or at least Hunter being attracted to her in some way. I was fascinated. Their actual canon dynamic is GREAT!! Teen soldier who was introduced as a hard-ass gets blushy at a school girl who can and would kick his shit in and is implied to not even think of him romantically yet. Not to mention the whole narrative catharsis at seeing a clone of Caleb, notorious husband of a witch, also falling for a girl. I love it SO MUCH!
So that brings me to an unfortunate choice I was sort of hoping you guys would help me with?
On one hand, I love Hunter and Willow. I love that they're implied to be a potential thing and that they'll have more dev in season 3. Their dynamic is my jam and it makes so much literary sense that they'd have chemistry, not to mention it just brings out the best in both of their developments in canon (Willow being a nervous shy girl with no self esteem turning into someone who can and will kick the emperor's ass to save her friends, Hunter being a heavily abused high ranking child solider turning into a blushy mess in front of a strong girl). I just love it. Nothing about his sexuality has come up in-comic so far, so I wouldn't have to retcon anything to make that a thing in TT.
On the other hand,,, I've already said that TT!Hunter is aro on this blog. I've sort of built up/mentioned this pseudo-romance arc he was going to have around the Grom episode. A lot of you seemed super excited about him being aro back when I first mentioned it, and I don't want to disappoint you guys and fake you out by being "surprise!!! he's allo!!!" I guess I could have him be Demiromantic or just ace to keep that vibe of aspec, but I don't want it to feel like a consolation prize either.
So it's this unfortunate back and forth between me really liking Willow and Hunter/wanting to keep things as canon as possible, versus sticking to what I've said out-of-universe in the past. I kind of get the sense that both options have their own baggage – I'm unsure if the aro hunter vs hun//tlow discourse is as intense as my dash makes it out to be since I try to avoid it and I generally like both options, but choosing one kind of feels like I have to choose a side. So I wanted to ask you guys what you think/want to see.
Feel free to reply to this post, say ur opinions in the tags, or send me asks on what you think. I probably won't respond to all of them, but I'll definitely read them all and take them into account.
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SO ABOUT THE SAW TRAP (im going to try to keep this short bc i guess this thing has a word limit)
I have only ever seen one entire saw film, so this is going to be beyond innacurate.
I still think Kramer would not entrap Hannibal, but as it is I think at the very least he would not want to humiliate him (whatever that means for Kramer). I think he'd follow the Verger fashion, taking Mason's silly Pig Pit and making it even sillier, ex. strapping him horizontally above an even deeper pi -think an elevator, but it only has one way down to a pit of murderous pigs, and instead of calmly going down it just falls until you reach another level/stop- hold on i gotta draw this bc I'm making shit sense.
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There. So Kramer would be like, "Okay, pretty boy, is going to take a walk down one of your palace's halls, and you're going to open some doors for me," which translates to he's going to ask questions, Hannibal's gonna answer them. Said answer will be recorded for later to be handed anonymously to the authorities.
In order to avoid Hannibal lying his ass off, of course, he would have installed a lying detector directly into his heart (maybe he opened a hole in his back for it, idk man this is saw). Every time we lie, our heart does that thing hearts do when we lie; since Hannibal can't control his pupils, I'm guessing he can't control his heartbeat either.
Now, he's asked a number of invasive questions (if we had more characters, as it usually is in saw films, Kramer would've most likely made the others read the questions aloud from cards like some sort of macabre TV contest)
He lies, the detector notices, he goes one level down.
He tells the truth; he stays on the same level, but then the authorities would have proof of his barbiest hobbies, and once he gets out of the trap or whatever, it is only a matter of time until he has to either run off or be caught.
He can't choose not to answer. Well, he can, of course, but there's a timer, and once the time runs out, the lying detector on his heart will automatically stop it (this is the " no humiliation" part of the deal. He can choose to just die of a heart attack now, rather than being chewed by pigs or running away to lick his wounds)
This is the shittiest saw trap ever, it probably has one fatal flaw that throws everything out of the window, but I haven't even seen the films, and I am not John Kramer man, I'm, just a girl.
Now, how would Hamball make it out? What would he do? I want to hear your opinion :P
Ok so my idea is that he’d answer really vaugly. He’d tell the truth but in an extremely long winded and complicated way. He has extremely good control over himself and words so he’d just say stuff that was true and answered the question but extremely vaguely.
Then if there was a question he couldn’t successfully just like talk his way out of making sense he’d let it go down.
I also believe he’d be trying buy time.
I think a main goal of his would be time. Wearing the guy down so he could judge his weaknesses and just talking a lot. He also has a need to be in control of the situation so he’d try to get annoying so he could feel like he was getting a one up on them.
I think he’d also count on Will to try and come get him if he could stall for long enough. Hannibal is always under the impression that Will WILL eventually come to his rescue. and if Will could so much as cut Hannibal out of the trap then everyone involved better run.
And for my final and most likely and cannon answer there’s a very good chance that he’d just straight up answer the questions and then count on his manipulation skills to get him out of it when the cops get the answers. Like ‘oh no Jack he forced me to say that ignore the fact that it was a lie detector you just don’t understand’ and with his luck? God damn it it’d probably work.
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thebluestbluewords · 11 months
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Anything You Like (the Carlos/Evie part)
more of my silly little soulmate AU from my silly little polyshipweek fic, Carlos/Evie pre-relationship. Probably makes more sense if you’re familiar with the Isle of the Lost book canon.
+
"You don't have a soulmate yet?" 
"Not yet," Evie echos, pulling a strand of hair out of her braid to frame her face. They're sitting in selfishness class, and she's got a tiny makeup mirror in her hand. There's something extra-complicated about her hair today. Some sort of extra woven part.  It looks sturdy, like it could be a rope braiding pattern. It makes Carlos's fingers itch to try and replicate it, and he'd really like to get a look at the underside to see how the pattern carries through, but it's not very evil to ask someone if you can touch their braid, so he's holding back. "I'm waiting for the right person, I guess." 
Evie's the prettiest girl in school, and Carlos is pretty sure that she could be the right person for whoever she wants to try and leave a mark on. That's not an out-loud sort of thought though, so he holds that back too. 
"That's cool," he says instead, swinging his feet under the desk. The stools in selfishness class are really tall, to encourage them all to sit up straight and elongate their legs and spine to look their best. It's frustrating being one of the only people whose feet can't touch the ground, but it makes fidgeting easier. "My only mark so far is one from my cousin." 
"You have a cousin?" 
Carlos kicks one foot out. Feels how it pulls him off balance, on the edge of his seat. His mark is on his left side, a smear of red-orange on one leg where he'd been picked up once as a toddler, and Diego's bare hand had brushed his leg. Their parents hadn't been as furious as expected about the mark, because apparently family marking family was okay, and not a sign of weakness like anyone else leaving marks on each other would be. "Yeah. He's older. He picked me up as a baby, left a mark on my leg." 
Evie's eyes flicker down in her mirror. "You don't keep it visible?" she asks, brows arching up in surprise. She's really pretty. 
Carlos tucks both his feet on the rung of the stool, balancing. "Nah. Not usually. S'too much like a weakness, right? If people know I have a soulmate then he could be a target too. Even though it’s just a family soulmark." 
"I don't think you're a target." Evie says, brow furrowing for a moment before smoothing out again. She's good at keeping her face smooth and pretty. Unreadable. She's going to be a great villain someday. She’s way better than anyone else in the class. 
"Well, not anymore," Carlos says, almost cheerfully. He's still proud of this one. "Not since I stole some chemicals from weird science and sort of threw some fireballs at the twins." 
Evie tilts her head this time, instead of wrinkling her face. It makes her look kind of like the robot butler who’s on the old TV shows that come in sometimes. "Who?" 
Evie's new, and a girl, and a pretty one at that. She’s probably one of the only people in their class who wouldn’t know who the twins are.  "Junior and Third. The Gaston twins. They were fine, the fire wasn't very big." 
"But they stopped bothering you after that?" 
"I mean, yeah? Setting people on fire usually makes them stop bothering me. Unless it's my mom, but she doesn't really mind what I do, so long as I get my chores done. If anyone's bothering you I could steal more magnesium and set them on fire too, if you want." 
"Thanks, but nobody's bothering me right now." 
"But they were before, right?" 
Evie frowns. "Don't--" 
Carlos hooks his feet through the rungs of the stool for balance and leans over so he can whisper more effectively. It’s not like it’s a secret who Evie has a one-sided blood feud with, but it never hurts to try and keep things on the down-low at school. "Mal and Jay were giving you shit, right? We could get them to leave you alone. I know where they live." 
Evie looks over her shoulder first, but she leans in too. There’s not much space between them. They’re not quite soulmate-close, because Evie’s basically the closest thing to a princess that they have on the isle, and she likes to be proper, but still. Friendship-close.
It’s nice. 
 “Mal lives in Maleficent's castle, doesn't she?" Evie whispers. “I’ve seen go in there all the time.” 
"Well, yeah.” Carlos whispers back, trying not to let his voice crack. It’s been doing that a bunch lately. It’s super annoying. “Sometimes. But I know where she lives when she's not there." 
Evie’s mouth drops open the tiniest bit. "How?" 
"I followed her home,” Carlos says proudly, forgetting to keep his voice down. “She’s the worst, right, so I wanted to see if I could glue her front door shut and keep her out of school for a while.” 
Evie frowns. "You did not,” she says. “I see you leave school every day, and you run right to Hell Hall to feed that gray cat that hangs out there.  I live across from you, remember?" 
Right. "You're at school when I leave, how d'you know?" 
Evie rolls her eyes, and then remembers that she’s supposed to be proper and relaxes her face again. "Castle schooled, remember? I saw you every day for nine years." 
Damnit. Making friends is easier when they don’t live nearby and he can just lie to them.  “Right. I followed her home from the market one time, after school. She stays in one of the warehouses with her henchmen."
“Henchmen?" Evie says doubtfully. "I've only seen her with one boy." 
"Henchman, singular then. They stay in a warehouse not far from the bridge, near the apple vendor. If you wanna do something to get back at them, I could help." 
"I don't need to get back at them." 
"Why not? Mal locked you in my mom's closet, remember?" 
“And then you let me out, and it was fine,” Evie says, twirling the piece of hair she’s got hanging out of her braid as she talks. Around and around and around until it slips off her finger in a spiraling curl, and then she catches it with her fingertips to twirl it again. Even her nervous habits are princess-y. “I don't need to get back at her because of it. Maybe I just want to go to school and not cause trouble." 
"You're scared?" Carlos asks. It might be a stupid question, but usually nobody at school will ever admit to being scared of anything, so it’s sort of crazy that Evie’s visibly nervous about confronting Mal and her henchman. Usually it feels like he’s the only one who’s ever scared of anything. But maybe this is what friends are supposed to do, and it’s okay to be nervous around each other. Evie’s already been nice to him once, and maybe she’ll keep being nice, and they can be nervous together sometimes. 
Evie freezes. “I'm what?" 
Or maybe not. Evie’s probably being nice because she wants him to fix something for her. It was probably stupid to think that she’d want to show her real emotions to Carlos, of all people. So that’s fine. He can be normal about this. 
“Of Mal?” Carlos asks, putting as much of an incredulous, almost mocking tone in his voice as he possibly can. “Seriously?" 
Evie’s cheeks are so pink he’d almost think she was marked that way. “Oh, like you can say anything,” she snaps. “I've seen the way you hide from her in the hall." 
Carlos tips his head to the side, and lets his face go flat and blank like he usually does at school. It’s safer. Maybe Evie can be a friend outside of school, but it’s stupid to think she could be anything other than a reluctant ally while they’re here. “I hide from her because she steals my lunch. What's your excuse, princess?"
Evie snaps her mirror shut. “Oh look, class is starting." she says sweetly, and turns around to face the front. “I can’t talk anymore. Too bad.” 
Ugh. 
"I'll meet you by the school gate later.” Carlos whispers, and gets a tiny nod in return. 
Maybe Evie’s not the worst ally after all. 
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couldawouldashouldaa · 4 months
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Things Left Behind | Al & Nick | [closed]
@notghcsts
The whole thing was weird, and Nick didn't feel particularly comfortable talking about things. But he sort of understood, or so he thought. Even if nobody survived to see it, it was there. It existed. Just like The Dead. They were here. They were people. And all this violence, he was tired of it. The bloodshed needed to be reserved for The Vultures. That was it. Not these people.
"Alright, I'll talk," he agreed. "Consider it a truce. Guns down." And he found himself facing the camera and being asked about his life, away from the group.
He thought for a moment about where to start. Where had his life really begun? Was it back in El Sereno? In Mexico? When he met Luciana? On the Ranch? Was it the day he got clean and stayed that way? He knew the two days it ended; when he got the news his dad died, and when his mom died. And that was why they were out here.
"Tell you about my life... well... I'm Nick, and I'm 21. And my life was... it was a pretty good, normal life for a while, I guess. Nothing to tell. Just my mom and dad, me, and my little sister, growing up in Los Angeles. It was good. We loved each other. Me and my sister were always doing stupid shit together. Me more than her, probably. But we were close... until I ruined it. I ruined a lot of things, I guess. I um..." he paused, thinking about his words while he scratched at his neck.
"I got into drugs when I was 14. My Dad was depressed, and he wouldn't talk to me. And I guess I had a lot of feelings, and things going on, and I thought... if we're not supposed to talk about that shit, then I didn't wanna feel that shit. And I thought it helped. But it just created a bigger divide. He died while I was in rehab. Mom wouldn't say it, but I know it's my fault. It was too much for him to take. And whenever I found myself thinking about that... I put a needle back in my arm. It's been a long time since I've wanted to do that. But I've done some shitty things to be able to. My lows were really low. I dunno. I guess my life really started after everything ended. I was still using when it all went to shit. Went through withdrawals in a cell when the military took over. And I was fucking desperate for a while. Looking for whatever I could find. And... things started making sense out here, in ways they didn't before. But that's not who I am now. And I don't think my addiction ever defined me the way people thought it did. And I think... I've made a lot of mistakes, that have hurt and killed a lot of people. But... I'm still trying to get it right. I wanna get it right. And I think I'm ready for a new life."
He was thinking about all those people that died because of him at the border. How Travis died because of him. Because they had to save him, again. He didn't regret killing Jeremiah, but he pulled the trigger. That was the first time he'd killed someone on purpose. And the dam... he wondered how many people died then. He had a good reason, and he was saving lives, and it was part of the plan, but still. And Mom. Mom died to make sure they all lived. To make sure he lived. Death followed him. Maybe that was why it was so natural for him to walk with the Dead.
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