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i-am-an-accidental-hipster · 7 years

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other generations angry about millennials killing industries.

but seriously, those industries often deserve to be killed.

lets look at the list, shall we?

(i am drawing from this list right here: http://mashable.com/2017/07/31/things-millennials-have-killed/#hwO45tc0RZqb )

1. Beer: well, i guess the prohibitionists would be happy with us

2. J. Crew: (i didn’t even know the brand existed. i buy everything from salvation army, because i can’t afford new or expensive clothing)

3. Department stores: seriously, why would i go there? the entire point of such a place is to bombard you with so may advertisements and options that you feel compelled to buy what you can’t afford. I can get what i need from the internet, thank you.

4. Motorcycles: They are unsafe and impractical. i know this will rub motorcycle users the wrong way, but the fact of the matter is, they have very little in terms of safety features, cars don’t tend to see you in the road (the gorilla effect), and they don’t have enough carrying capacity to justify their use. also, the particular article it linked to said Harley-Davidson is complaining, and i say screw you, none of your stupid motorcycles have mufflers i don’t want to hear you from half way across the planet.

5. Diamonds: literally just pretty rocks, made out of one of the most common elements on the planet. their price is vastly inflated artificially by those who sell them. if i want to impress or attract a girl, i am most certainly NOT going to waste my cash on something useless to her. it’s hard enough to earn money as it is without spending it on freaking diamonds.

6. Golf: WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT GOLF!?! it’s not even really that fun. Miniature golf can be fun on occasion, but mostly because of the set pieces. but regular golf? also, if you wanted anyone to actually pity the golf industry, maybe you shouldn’t keep TAKING LAND FROM PEOPLE WHO COULD USE IT MUCH BETTER

7. Bar Soap: meh. it’s just easier to use other kinds of soap. no hard feelings

8. college football: i am not wasting my money to watch a bunch of idiots throw a poor excuse for a “ball” and repeatedly smack into each other.

9. Lunch (?): ok, i don’t actually know what this one is about, or even how one would go about measuring this. and the article seemed to be broken, so i couldn’t find out. Do they mean less people are attending restaurants for lunch? because if that is the case, my parents literally told me to do exactly that, because making lunches at home is cheaper, and not much is added to the experience having lunch elsewhere. so yeah, i don’t think the problem is millennials here.

10. McDonalds: Ew. Next

11. Vacations: ok, so apparently this is about how millennials don’t take as many vacations because they are spending to much time working, making baby boomers and other generations feel guilty about vacationing? ok, for one thing, if you are feeling guilty about vacationing because some guys in their 20s aren’t doing it, maybe the guilt is actually coming from a different source. secondly, WE. ARE. NOT. RETIRED. heck, many of us were only recently able to get a job because the previous generations SCREWED UP THE ECONOMY. so no, we aren’t taking vacations as much as you, because WE CAN’T FREAKING AFFORD TO FALL INTO DEBT, IDIOTS

12. Paper Napkins: shouldn’t this be a good thing? like, yay we aren’t wasting paper needlessly any more? yay save the trees? i dunno

13. cars: expensive. Expensive to buy. expensive to rent. expensive gas. if i live in a place with public transportation (which i do), you can be sure as hell i am using THAT (which i am) rather than a car (which i am not)

14. crowdfunding: um, i may be wrong, but didn’t we start that? i think we have a right to destroy what we created.

15. wine: no, wine is always going to be around. as long as there are Catholics, there will be wine.

16. Wine corks: those things are freaking deadly. look it up.

17. toyota scion: never heard of it. next

18. fabric softener: i heard it ruins clothes, and my clothes are plenty soft already. also, my mom never used it, so why should i?

19: marriage: OK NOW IF YOU WANT MILLENNIALS TO LIKE MARRY EACH OTHER MAYBE YOU SHOULD MODEL HEALTHY MARRIAGES YOURSELVES. seriously. basically every friend i have has had at least one either abusive or neglectful parent, and many of their parents are divorced. if you wanted us to value marriage, maybe you should have gotten your FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. my mom married a guy because “he made me laugh”, only to find out he was an evangelical atheist who kept trying to convert her from Catholicism for the next 20 years. it ended up screwing up literrally everything. because of him, my mom banned freaking Harry Potter from the household because they had a year and a half long fight over it. I even gave my dad a solution that would allow it into the house (i would “proofread” every book before giving it to my sisters), but NOOOO he had to WIN the STUPID ARGUMENT. he could NOT JUST LET IT GO. so yeah, i am not surprised that my generation doesn’t want to get fucking married. the only reason why i am still considering it is because part of me just wants to prove i can be a better husband and father than my dad.

20. McWrap: again, ew. next

21. Handshakes: i don’t know about everyone else, but as an autistic touching people is FUCKING WEIRD.

22. Canadian tourism industry: what. i didn’t realize that was a thing.

23. light yogurt: just because we can’t afford it doesn’t mean we don’t like it. i personally like light yogurt. it is just too expensive.

24. gambling: we are not idiots. we know we aren’t going to win anything. we never do

25. hotels. well, given that most of us can’t afford to travel, this is not surprising at all.

26. relationships: see 19

27: marmalade: such an unpleasant word. i’m not eating that

28. running: i live in southern california. i am not running around outside, thank you.

29. cereal: i don’t eat breakfast. it’s enough work to just roll out of bed and stubble to the bus stop.

30. anti-aging industry: anyone who is complaining about this clearly needs to read Tuck Everlasting, or The Forests of Silence, or Tolkien's story of the Fall of Numenor, or The Farthest Shore. Immortality sucks, man. i don’t want it.

31. Buffalo wild wings: yeah, i totally want to fill my stomach with THAT greasy mess.

32. focus groups: ???how???

33. travel marketing: still can’t afford to travel, man.

34. working: nah, you just won’t hire us

35. credit: we aren’t idiots, we know banks will try to screw us over

36. trees: so apparently this is because we won’t give up books for a kindle. WELL EXCUSE US FOR NOT KILLING THE BOOK INDUSTRY>

37. The American Dream: i think by now it has become clear who did that.

38. America: *hint* it’s not us, it’s those idiots who bought houses they couldn’t afford, and then through a tantrum when the banks charged interest on their loans, causing an economic collapse. also wallstreet. fuck those guys

39. Democracy: so, this is about how we don’t protest any more. you know why we don’t? because we have found that every single time we do, somebody goes “damn millennials and their radical ideas. it was ok when we did it in the 60s, but not now”. you want us to rally and protest, but only for the things YOU want to see.

40. Home Depot: meh. lowes is better.

41. Self-Pity: well, this is a gross misinterpretation of statistics. we feel bad for ourselves because YOU ALL FUCKING SCREWED US OVER

42. the 2016 election: that was not our fault. who did you give us to choose from? lets see, most of them were either highly intelligent but under-qualified, or extremely qualified but also untrustworthy, or downright insane. in the end, it was down to three candidates: a misogynist clown, a snake, and a guy who wanted to give everyone free college education. Y’all chose the snake and the clown. just saying.

43. consumerism: duh

44. suits: who cares

45. dinner dates: my experience working at a bakery might indicate otherwise.

46. movies: so we can’t afford to attend. sue us

47. sex: we are having less sex because we aren’t idiots and we know what sex does and we have better things to do than to drop everything to raise a family while we are still going to college. by now there are enough stories floating around of condoms that just failed to work, and frankly i do not want to be responsible for any girlfriend i might have getting an abortion because we both know we can’t afford to have a child. so guess what? abstinence

48. gyms: why would you pay to go to a place and sweat? you can walk outside to do that.

49. serendipity: nah, you killed it. see 19

50. loyalty programs: dude, if another hotel is cheaper or better, i’m using that one

51. loyalty in general: ok, false. we just want to survive, ok? also, loyalty must be earned. if my company is treating me poorly, or is treating my customers poorly, than yeah, i’m not going to be loyal to it.

52. taking risks: *sigh* so, this is false, clearly false. i can barely make my self say the cursed acronym, but *inhale* YOLO

53. patriotism: no, we just aren’t fanatics. we are loyal to our country so long as it continues to serve our interests. and if you dare tell me that that is not patriotic, read the gosh dang declaration of independence.

54. cruises: MONEY. also, it’s literally just a casino on a boat.

55. applebee’s: money. the article even admits it. so how is it our fault?

56. fashion: fuck fashion. give girls fucking pant pockets you perverts

57. hangout sitcoms: i can’t imagine anything more boring to watch

58. the big mac: it’s not even that big

59. stiletto: i don’t know what that is

60. romance: see 19

61. 9-to-5 workday: again, JUST FREAKING HIRE US (i actually have a job now, and am enjoying it immensely, and would work more hours if there were more available, but my employers, being the nice people that they are, have actually maxed out the number of people they can employ affordably. there are so many people who need a job in my city, and my employers are trying to employ as many as they can, particularly millennials and recent immigrants. it’s the other businesses around that are making it hard for us to get jobs.)

62. the NFL: see 8

63. gen X retirement: *sigh* IF YOU WANTED YOUR RETIREMENT MONEY MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE YOU COULD AFFORD THE INTEREST FOR THE LOAN ON THAT FUCKING HOUSE

64. the Olympics: how?

65: brunch: are we supposed to be hobbits now? you want us to have second breakfast?

66. the EU: i don’t really understand this one. it seems to say that millennials ruined the EU by liking it too much?

67. baby names: I’M NAMING MY KIDS ALBERTUS MAGNUS AND URIEL ANGELO AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

68. banks: this article actually gets it right, you can read it in the title. we are ruining banks, and it is the fault of the banks. REVENGE!!!

69. Oil: i can’t afford it. next

70. everything: this article actually sums up just about everything i just said

#millenials

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