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theacecouple · 3 months
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You all asked for more Dead Bedrooms, so Happy Holidays! You get more Dead Bedrooms.
You can also listen on Apple, Spotify, Our Website, or pretty much any podcast platform! Transcript below :)
Courtney: Hello everyone and welcome back. My name is Courtney, I am here with my spouse, Royce, and together we are The Ace Couple. And today we’ve got a little expedited treat for you all because, whoo boy, last week’s episode was– Uh, I wouldn’t say it was fun, but I assume at least some percentage of you got some amount of, perhaps, catharsis out of it. Perhaps we accidentally had a little bit of catharsis ourselves. But I don’t ever want to be that angry on microphone again, at least not directed at a specific person. I prefer to reserve my anger for systemic issues, for broad injustices, but I don’t ever want to be angry at one dude on microphone to that extent, ever again I’m not promising I never will be, because some dudes deserve it.
Courtney: But what that does mean for us today is that we are delving back into r/DeadBedrooms. So on this channel, once about every six months, we have been doing an r/AmItheAsshole: Asexuality Edition, and you all really, really love those. We know it, we hear it, we get your comments and your praises. But just– just a few weeks ago, we– we decided to jump into Dead Bedrooms for the very first time and you all absolutely loved it, and begged us for more. So here we are. It has not quite been six months, but I think we are gonna start putting Dead Bedrooms in our rotation and you’re getting one a little early. A little– a little holiday treat from us to you. Just don’t expect Reddit episodes to usually come this often. [sighs] So, what– What did we learn from the first time we dove into Dead Bedrooms? What was the takeaway? What was the point?
Royce: The point? I think the first part of that episode was laying out the pattern of a lot of the posts that we were seeing, [Courtney hums] which included–
Courtney: The lingo. [laughs]
Royce: Yes, the terms used, the fact that things like low libido and high libido were mentioned right in, along with gender identity and sexual orientation. And, of course, that the entire subreddit is dealing with relationship issues that revolve around a lack of sex or sexual fulfillment in a relationship.
Courtney: [hums in agreement] And a general pattern we saw was that not very favorable toward asexuality. Some posts were a little better than others, but the– the general vibe is not– not very accommodating of aces. And truly just a lot of ignorance about what asexuality actually is. I recall in our first episode actually prefacing things with, like, we in our community, we at our podcast, we as aces, know that things like asexuality and libido do not always go hand in hand, but it’s clear, by the way some of the folks here are talking about it, that when they say asexual they also mean low libido, they also mean probably sex averse in some way. So we’re going to, again, try to not nitpick language too much, because we have been down that road time and time again. If you’re a regular listener of ours, you know where we stand on that. So we’re gonna try to listen to what they mean as opposed to what they say, [breathy laugh] to the best of our ability.
Courtney: But before we get into some of our posts that we have that actually mention asexuality, there is one abbreviation that has just been bothering me ever since we did that first episode, and that is LL4u, or ‘low libido for you’. And this is something that folks use in this subreddit to say, “Oh, you know, my partner who is no longer having sex with me – and this is a major issue – isn’t low libido, just low libido for me.” I don’t even know how to articulate it, but there’s something about that just being a concept, that this is a shorthand that is known in this subreddit, in this community, that is used so often that just– it feels so wrong! There’s something fundamentally about it that my brain does not want to accept is a thing in the way that they are using it.
Royce: Well, at the very least, libido seems like the wrong word to use to describe what they’re trying to describe.
Courtney: It really does! Like perhaps there’s an amount of attraction here, like maybe– And this could be a thing where they are just across the board, consistently conflating libido with attraction. But if someone is low libido for you it’s like– I don’t think physiologically speaking…? And I don’t know, any– any high libido aces out there feel free to correct me, I am not that. I don’t have one, never have, never want one. I don’t think physiologically that your level of libido actually changes based on prospective sexual partners. At least that’s not the way I understand libido as a concept. Like you might not be attracted to individual people or you might have more attraction for one person versus another, or one gender versus another, like all the things that someone may or may not be attracted to, like there are factors at play here. But, like, chemically speaking, can your libido just plummet upon seeing a specific person? Does that happen that way? Please advise. [laughs]
Royce: That’s not how I define or use the term. Libido can change, it’s particularly one thing that’s cited as changing alongside hormonal changes.
Courtney: Sure.
Royce: But yeah, I see that as a much more chemical or biological thing than attraction. And oftentimes when libido comes up in the ace community, it is mentioned completely as an aside to the concept of attraction.
Courtney: Oh yeah, I know plenty of aces who are like, “I do have a libido, and honestly it’s frustrating because I’m not attracted to anyone. So what do I need this for?” [laughs] Or they’ll say you know, “I have a libido but I just don’t have a desire to sate that libido by involving another person. Like, masturbation is totally an acceptable option to me, 100% of the time.” Like there are aces like that out there, no doubt. But before we get into these posts, I had to google it assuming that I would– the first response would be from the subreddit and it was. But I genuinely just googled, “What is LL4u?” And I did. I found a post from about a year ago from a deleted user called “What is LL4u really?” And I was like, “Maybe this will give me insight.”
Courtney: But here’s what’s so interesting: they use a food metaphor – right? – in the post. The post is: [reading] “Is it really a case of getting sick of eating the same thing everyday. I mean I love Spaghetti Bolognese but if I had to have it every evening meal, it would probably lose some of its luster. Would it help some LL4u people if they had the occasional take out? Just a thought.” And here’s what’s so fascinating to me. We in the ace community, like we are the kings and the queens and the non-binary nobilities of food metaphors. We have taken “Cake is better than sex” and we ran with it. Cake is our biggest community symbol. Out there, the folks that don’t have as much of a sweet tooth have more recently adopted garlic bread. Like we use food so often, and we even use food as metaphors to explain things like sex neutrality. Like, “I don’t crave cake, I don’t want cake, but if someone put it in front of me I probably would even enjoy the cake. I’m just not gonna seek it out because I don’t have that desire, I don’t have that craving.” So we have so many ways that we have used food metaphors in our community. And so I see the food metaphor and I understand where it comes from in that sense.
Courtney: But the fascinating thing is, here, like, I don’t know if this is a cheating situation or if this is an agreed upon open relationship kind of a situation. Obviously one is more ethical than the other. But in my first several posts seeing this LL4u, it usually wasn’t about people who were cheaters or people who were thought to be or known to be cheaters. For the most part, it was just: you want to have sex with your partner and your partner no longer wants to have sex with you, and you’re trying to figure out what’s wrong, like have they lost their libido? Do they have a hormone issue? Are they asexual? And then a bunch of people in the comments would just be, “No, they’re probably just LL4u.” And it’s like, I kept seeing that as the justification for these reasons why a bedroom was now dead. And that LL4u is just grinding on me, because the implication was also that this bedroom hasn’t always been dead.
Courtney: At one point activities were happening. And if there’s some sort of drastic change, I don’t think your libido has only changed for that one person. So I’m struggling with the food metaphor here. But since it was posted, I wanted to see what some of the responses were and if people agreed with it, because I am clearly not a member of the Dead Bedrooms community, so I am trying to learn from those who are, and the first comment says: “That’s not logical thinking at all. I’m low libido because something about this partner relationship is killing my sex drive. So if I go sample a different partner, I’m going to learn that sex doesn’t have to be awful, boring, painful, entitled, and then I’m going back to the bad sex partner? That makes no sense.” So in this case, I still don’t think it’s low libido. I think you’re just not getting what you want, what you need, from this arrangement. But I don’t think that’s changing your libido.
Royce: The awful, boring, painful, entitled part is a whole bunch of red flags that there’s something else going on here.
Courtney: Well, especially the painful, entitled. Like, is this an abusive situation here? And you just haven’t found that word or connected that dot yet? Because from my understanding, sex should be neither of those things. Boring’s one I hear a lot. I don’t know what just awful sex is. I’m sure there are allos out there who could explain to me exactly what awful sex is. But if it’s not painful or entitled or boring like, what generally might make it awful? How’s that a different modifier than the others?
Courtney: Another comment says: “I think most people who are LL4u are in that phase because of other factors within the relationship, e.g. bad sex, loss of respect, poor emotional dynamic, loss of attraction etc.” Which still doesn’t sound like low libido to me, but does make more sense to me. One commenter said: “It’s often said that sex with the same person gets boring after a while and becomes routine. So the recommendation is to spice things up. However, if you have a partner who thinks anything other than plain vanilla is not acceptable, then things can only go downhill. Yes, I speak from experience.” That’s it– That’s another thing that just gets me so much about this subreddit was– Some of the previous posts that we saw and some of the previous comments that we saw there are just so many deeply hurt people here. [tentative laugh] And I don’t want to laugh at their actual hurt, I really do not. But at least some of the juicier, more heated posts definitely seem like just a lot of very sexually frustrated people expressing their frustration at each other.
Royce: Yeah, I definitely see a different vibe going back and forth between different threads. Some are just overtly hurt and angry, others are trying to have a more nuanced discussion. I was about to say I’m surprised at how many people who comment self identify as asexual, but here we are reading this as well, so.
Courtney: Yeah, I mean we had a poster in the last episode who is asexual and was posting for their own concerns. But here’s one that gets so much wilder when we consider what common ace theory is, or a common ace worldview. Because this poster says: “If you ask me, it means that your significant other is actually not romantically in love with you anymore. Plain and simple.” And someone challenged him a little bit, not in a mean way, but in, like, an asking a lot of questions kind of way, saying like, “Is sexual desire and romantic love one to one, synonymous to you?” Because that was my question too.
Courtney: Because we talk very often in the A-spec community about how romantic and sexual attraction are not always the same. They don’t always line up. And I so rarely see allosexual people acknowledge that, or believe that that is a possibility. In fact, there are a lot of allosexual, alloromantic people who have direct animosity at the very notion that they could be different. Especially in instances of, like, aromantic people who are allosexual. Like the stereotype for them is that, oh, they are just players, they are a fuckboy, they don’t respect the people they’re having sex with. And just horrible, awful stereotypes which, as long as everyone’s clear about what the nature of this relationship is and expectations have been set and there’s communication, there’s nothing wrong with that. But just the very possibility that you might have sex with someone you aren’t romantically attracted to is met with so much animosity. And this could be its own three hour episode, so I won’t get into it. We’ll save that for our split attraction model series that I’ve been saying for so long that we need to do, but we need to do it right.
Courtney: But the original commenter here specifies: “To be more specific, I believe someone can be LL – low libido – due to whatever reason, like asexuality, trauma, hormones etc.” I super don’t love that. Those three were the things that were all just, like, put together like that. [resumes reading] “But they can be low libido for any of those reasons and romantically in love with their significant other. But being low libido for you means that someone is sexually interested in general but not in their partner. And yes, to me that clearly proves that they are not romantically in love.” And it ends that thought with: “Because for someone who isn’t low libido in general, romantic love contains being sexually attracted to someone. It’s not synonymous, but one is the subset of the other.” So that’s kind of like saying for the most part, only asexual people have split attraction, or only people who are otherwise, you know, messed up. If you have a medical issue or trauma or you’re ace, then maybe your attraction can be split, but otherwise nah.
Royce: Yeah, the human condition is just more fluid than that. I think that in a lot of relationships, even ones that don’t get to the dead bedroom state, that romance and sexual activity or attraction will often fluctuate just as you go through life changes to some degree. How much content is there on allo relationships who are going through a slump for some period of time?
Courtney: I mean that’s basically the running joke in like every sitcom from the 90s or earlier, right? So yeah, I mean, I don’t know that one was just bothering me so much that I had to try to understand that one more. So I still reject the idea that this is literally about libido. But I at least think I have a little bit of a clear idea of “this is someone who has a libido but does not want to have sex with their partner, and maybe it’s their partner’s fault,” probably on a case to case basis there.
Royce: Okay, so this post is titled: “My fiance just realized he was asexual today.”
Courtney: Just today? Spontaneously?
Royce: I don’t know how spontaneously, but apparently the first thing to do after hearing of that is to make a post to dead bedrooms.
Courtney: Yikes. Yeah, if it was literally just today and you’ve now gone off to make a post here, I feel like…
Royce: We’ll see. I haven’t– I haven’t read this one, so I don’t know how much animosity is going to be in this post, but it is tagged ‘seeking advice’.
Courtney: Okay, I don’t know if this is the best place to get advice. I would strongly advise anybody who has a significant other who comes out as asexual to first have extensive conversations and do what you can to try to support them through that. But then maybe, maybe seek counsel from aces and not a community that is often hostile to them. But we’ll see. I will reserve judgment until we see what the post and responses are.
Royce: [reading] “Hi, I’m new, and I’m sorry if this isn’t coherent- my mind is a spinny blur, and I just feel small, helpless, and isolated. I (37f demisexual, high libido) had a conversation with my fiancé (42m very low libido)–”
Courtney: So this is a demi also. So at least knows some amount of the A-spectrum. Fascinating.
Royce: Most likely yes. [resumes reading] “– today about how sex has just not been working for me lately- and how I’d like to try to work through it together. We’ve been together for nine years, and aside from sexually, we are very happy and committed to each other.” That is a running theme on a lot of these posts: we are happy except for the sex part.
Courtney: And the sex part is emphasized so heavily that I fundamentally cannot understand it.
Royce: [keeps reading] “Own a house together, have shared friends and interests- the sticking point is sex.
Royce: Through the course of things he said “well, I just never have any interest in sex. So I don’t know what to do.” – That part was in quotes – “And I don’t know, the inflection of the way he said it just made me like, have an epiphany? So I asked if he meant never, as in literally never in his life, like an asexual person, or never as in, he’s been stressed and/or not confident in his body? And he gave me a blank face and said he didn’t know. He doesn’t know anything about asexual people. But he’s been waiting for sex to “click” and make sense this whole time.” Which– that is interesting, if they are just having this question and epiphany now, nine years into the relationship.
Courtney: And if she’s demisexual, and he’s saying he doesn’t know anything about asexuality, does he know she’s demi??
Royce: Let’s keep going. Op continues with: [resumes reading] “You guys. I’m communicative as anything. If he’s asexual, that is what it is, and we’ll try to figure out what that means. But like. How did he never make that– How did he never make clear that his low libido was absolute sexual disinterest? He loves cuddling and kissing- but nothing else really- and he’s known this the entire fucking time. I had no idea. Honestly I thought his low libido was caused by the medication he’s on. He’s acted quite convincingly that he enjoyed things. And I feel defrauded, and lied to.”
Royce: [still reading] “Here I was thinking that my life was pretty great- we just needed to get on the same page with our sexual preferences/kinks/desires- and agree on the level of frequency- and we’d be the happiest people we know. We’re going to keep talking about it, so hopefully it’s not actually a relationship ending thing, but my head hurts from crying. I feel rejected and robbed of the life I was led to believe I’d have. I’m confused and can’t talk to any friends about it yet because I don’t want to out him. I’m scared that I’m never going to get to enjoy my body with someone else without imploding my stable, secure, otherwise happy life. We’re supposed to be getting married in six months. Just, any help, please. Therapists or counselors online or in” – the area of the country that they’re in – “articles, other corners of Reddit where this would get guidance, tea and sympathy, anything. Thank you so much.”
Courtney: I gotta say I cringed at the defrauded word.
Royce: Yeah.
Courtney: Oh I– Ugh. We did our episode on marriage consummation laws, and fraud as a justifiable reason to annul a marriage and the precedence that asexuality could play into that... I don’t love that word. I really, really do not. I also feel like I need more information, because part of that, “I feel defrauded and cheated and lied to,” was like he seemed to be enjoying some of the things and it’s like, maybe he was?
Courtney: I don’t know, maybe he hasn’t been and that was explicitly stated, but maybe it was just because this was posted in such a haze of emotion and maybe it was just done very quickly and sloppily, but there are elements of this here where I’m like, yes, you are a demisexual person, but are you in community with a lot of other aces and demis?
Courtney: Because you, as the poster, seem to be either missing details or missing nuances of the orientation itself. And I don’t know, is it– Is it unfair to be like, how could he not know this? Why did it take him so long to realize this? Like– So, I personally have met people who did not come out as asexual until they were over 70 years old. Because they did not have the language for it. They met me, they saw me talk about asexuality, we developed a friendship, and then they confided in me that they are, in fact, asexual. And the things I was sharing were things they felt their entire life. But they– it was indistinguishable from, you know, heterosexual or homosexual, because they just didn’t know there was a word or an option for something other than those two.
Courtney: And so, like, is it really unfair, to be like, “I’ve been with this person for nine years. How did they not know?!” Because everyone’s on their own timeline, you know?
Royce: And a lot of times you have to get to a point where you see a very direct contradiction or comparison to something that you feel very personally and intimately, and it’s not that difficult to go a long time not – you know – encountering that information or having those conversations. The thing that stood out, in comparison to that, most to me was the OP mentioning how communicative they are. Because, yeah, they may talk a lot, but apparently they haven’t had this conversation, at least in extreme detail, until this point in their relationship, which can happen.
Courtney: It can. It’s– Was there anything in there? Did I just miss it? Was there anything that actually said that he does not want to have sex anymore? Because I feel like I didn’t get that. Did he actually say or imply that at any point? Because the way it’s posted, the way she’s talking, is like, “We were supposed to get married, but now my whole future, I’m grieving for it because it’s not going to be what I thought.” But they seem to, at least on occasion, be having sex now. So is he actually saying he wants to stop doing that? Or is this a situation where OP might actually be grieving the feeling of being desired as opposed to the actual act of sex? Because those are two different things in my experience.
Royce: I think that’s a reasonable impression. One quote from him was, “Well, I just never have any interest in sex, so I don’t know what to do,” which I think it’s reasonable to say that the implication of that is that he is not initiating anything. And she mentions that there have been times when he’s said or at least acted like he’s enjoyed things, and that they just aren’t on the same page about their preferences, kinks and desires, so. And the level of frequency is another one that’s brought up. She self-identifies as having a high libido, compared to his at the very least, which she says is very low, so it could be that the relationship that she wants isn’t one where she is having to initiate things. That’s possible, it’s not explicitly stated.
Courtney: Because that’s something that I know I have had in past relationships and other aces have had in past relationships. Where even if there’s a situation where an asexual person is in a mixed orientation relationship with an allo person, and the allosexual person does want sexual activities, and even if the ace is okay with that, to varying degrees – whether they’re sex favorable, sex neutral, whatever that is – there are some instances where that is still not enough for the allo person. Because I have seen allos react with outright hostility to aces, not because they won’t have sex with them, but because they don’t want sex with them or they don’t want it enough, or they don’t feel attracted, or they don’t feel– they don’t feel attractive, they don’t feel desired. And I really struggle to view that in any way other than some form of potentially insecurity. Potentially we can chalk it up to something else. But I genuinely do not think that if that is a tension in the relationship where sex can be negotiated, it can be enjoyed, but the allo person is upset that the ace isn’t actually attracted to them, the ace is not going to change. That is not something that can be changed.
Courtney: So if that is going to be an issue for the allo person, that is something that they need to work on. And they need to figure out why this is such an issue and why they feel this way, and if this is coming from insecurity, if it’s coming from any of these other things.
Courtney: I was a little caught off guard when OP here was like, “Oh, is it because of your body? Are you insecure?” It’s like– I don’t want to imply that in the situation I’m describing that all allos are, like, insecure in their own bodies, but I know from personal past relationships– I have had previous partners who are like, “Why aren’t you more attracted to me?” And it’s like, “I am literally as attracted to you as I could be to any other human that exists.” And they’re like, “But I want to be uniquely attractive to you!” And it’s like, you are! You’re the one I’m in a relationship with right now. I don’t know what more you want from me.
Royce: Yeah, I read that passage as OP just sort of grasping at straws to come up with a reason for their partner’s – what they describe as – low libido.
Courtney: Which is fascinating, because if OP did not self-identify as demisexual, if a like fully allo person was saying this, I would probably say that’s a little acephobic, like why are you trying to find the reason for this? Some people just are this way.
Royce: And I think that was coming– I think at that point, when she was going through this, she was operating under the assumption that her partner was allo, and this is where it clicked of “Wait, you mean like ever?” Like, this isn’t a temporal thing.
Courtney: Right, right. So yeah, I don’t know, this is interesting. This is why I have said before that I try not to be the advice giving type, especially like unsolicited advice. And clearly OP here is asking for advice. But I never feel comfortable giving advice unless it’s someone I know very well or I know their situation very, very well. And probably if there can be a conversation about it, because look at how many questions I am asking OP that I’m never going to get an answer to. Like, I would need to have a full on conversation with someone if they were seeking my counsel, because I need more information in order to give more information.
Royce: Well, look at how many conversations have come up for the two of them just now that I’ve prompted this post. It sounds like the two of them need to have a much more in depth conversation, but I was holding onto something. Let me go back to one of the last points that you made.
Royce: You were talking about an issue that comes up oftentimes in ace-allo relationships within the– The problem that arises from a need to feel desired or something of that nature. And I don’t think it is off-base in saying that that can often manifest in very significant feelings of insecurity. But I do think that there is also some amount of– If I use the word sexual orientation, I’m kind of stretching that term a little bit. I’m having trouble finding the right word, but the way that a person’s sexuality manifests – which would include their kinks and things like that – if someone is, you know, I guess, more submissively aligned and a big part of what they get out of sex is that feeling of being wanted or desired, that could be a big part of what sex is for them and it could represent an incompatibility of some kind. It’s something that could potentially be talked through, worked around, you could potentially find an angle for. But I could also see some people saying that like this is– this is something I actually need to feel satisfied in that area of my life.
Courtney: But what I want to know is how does one reconcile it with all of these posts? Because we’ve seen the pattern of like, “We are the happiest people in the world except for sex.” And it’s like–
Royce: I mean, I mean my knee jerk reaction is that that is an overstatement.
Courtney: [Thoughtful sound] So you’re just going to say that, huh? You’re just going to say what we’re all thinking, just– just like that. [laughs]
Royce: One of the things we’ve mentioned before is – that we see a lot in relationships – a lot of things get piled on to sex as the one thing that is going to make or break a relationship. And sometimes that is done in a way that I don’t think appropriately, like, summarizes the relationship as a whole. [Courtney agrees] Like, if you have so many things going on in your life that you don’t have time to spend with each other doing, like, meaningful activities, then sex becomes that activity. If you aren’t getting affection in other ways, then sex becomes the way that you’re getting affection. And it’s– A lot gets piled onto it, and that’s how you end up with, you know, entire industries of sex counseling as a form of relationship counseling, [Courtney agrees and laughs] when there might be other avenues to figuring out what’s going on.
Courtney: Yeah, I do think, just because what you were saying with sex sort of being the all-encompassing thing, that could also be a need that could theoretically be met another way. You mentioned affection, like well, if sex is the way you’re receiving that affection – and I know not every couple’s like this, this is definitely just a personal anecdote of mine – but like, I am incredibly romantic for someone who is actually identifying as demiromantic, on the on the aro spectrum. My gestures and gifts– I have always been a very, very romantic person. And I would put a lot of time and thought into– into these acts of romance. And I always wanted to make sure that my partner felt desired. And in fact you’ve made that very difficult for me, Royce, because you don’t like things. [laughs] I was like, “Let me get you gifts!” And you’re like, “No, absolutely not, I refuse.”
Courtney: But like in past relationships, like that was a thing I would do and then to, then, have a partner be like, “But I feel like you just don’t, you don’t desire me enough.” and it’s like– [sighs] I’m sorry it is not in– in the way that you want it, and I am sorry that this is all coming from an incredibly low self-esteem and a poor body image that you have of yourself, but I genuinely– I cannot develop sexual attraction for you. That is not how I am wired. It is not going to happen. So I fully understand that I’m reading this under my own lens there. But yeah, interesting post.
Courtney: But what are some of the comments? I guess also to your point of it being perhaps overstated that sex is our only issue. We’ve absolutely had friends in the past that would claim to have a really good relationship, really healthy, their relationship is almost perfect, but then we’d also get together to hang out and they’d talk about how they had a screaming match earlier in the day. And we were like, “Oh, that’s a thing you do?” [laughs]
Royce: Yeah, they just casually throw out something toxic, as if everyone does it.
Courtney: Yes! This is why we aren’t friends with straight people anymore. [laughs] I don’t think we have a single straight friend anymore. At least not a straight couple. We might have one or two individual straight people that are cool.
Royce: If, instead of saying straight, you say like heteronormative or non-queer.
Courtney: Yeah.
Royce: Like there might be people with gender identities that don’t fit into the binary who might still describe themselves as hetero, just out of habit or because they don’t have a better word.
Courtney: Right. We don’t have any non-queer couple friends anymore. [laughs] Because they do really just be out here throwing out very toxic things and being like, “We have a great marriage, we have a wonderful relationship.” And we’re like, “Mm?”
Royce: So the comments here. This post doesn’t have a ton of them. There are a few back and forth. Some are like: postpone the marriage, figure this out first. There’s one that was like: “Blessing in disguise. Don’t marry into a dead bedroom, go elsewhere.”
Courtney: No! Are you kidding me?!
Royce: There are a couple of posts being like, “You’re looking for other places. Go check out asexuality subreddits and see what you can learn there.”
Courtney: Yeah. Yes, I’m actually glad that that was a bit of advice that was pointed out. I’m pleasantly surprised. Less so with the blessing in disguise. Give me a break! That is what I have come to expect from this subreddit, though.
Royce: And from what I can tell, OP seems to be going through and responding to a lot of posts and just trying to take it all in. She does say at one point, “Someone mentions that it sounds like he genuinely didn’t know and could be just in the questioning phase of understanding himself.”
Courtney: That’s what I was wondering, like, was it mean to be like, “How did he not know?”
Royce: And she does say, “I agree that’s the best outlook to take right now. And yes, he’s been doing a lot of introspection in the last year or so. He’s just not terribly fluent or practiced in doing so yet.”
Courtney: Yeah, like I said before, we’re all on our own timelines. I hope they’re doing okay. We need a– We need a “Where are they now?” for Reddit posts.
Royce: This post was three months ago, by the way.
Courtney: Oh man, so we’re one month to the wedding, unless it got postponed?
Royce: Halfway there, it was six months out.
Courtney: Six months. Okay, I don’t know why I had four in my head.
Courtney: So this one. We gave up on r/AreTheStraightsOkay, because there were so many just like very visual memes that were just not good for a podcast format. But I did find one post on Dead Bedrooms. That was just a meme, but some of the comments just absolutely have me face-palming.
Courtney: It’s entitled, “Sex really isn’t that important in a relationship,” and it’s a picture of a couple – I don’t know what this is from – appears to be a man and a woman. The woman is saying, “Sex really isn’t that important in a relationship, to be honest.” And then a close-up of the man’s face, and the commentary is: “I’ve never seen a bigger cry for help in a man’s eyes.” And we’ll have a link to this in the show notes if you want to actually see what the picture is. But oh, my word. Some of the comments: [exaggerated voice] “But suddenly becomes the most important thing in life the moment that guy sleeps with anyone else!” And the same person said, “Sex is like money. Money is not everything, not having money is. Same with sex. Sex is not everything, not having it is.” As someone who is a no libido, borderline sex-repulsed asexual who has been in severe poverty for large swaths of my life, and no longer is: absolutely fuck that analogy.
Courtney: Then we had a really unfortunate sort of just conversation back and forth in the comments where someone says, “But it’s true… if you are asexual, I guess.” And someone comes in and tries to do the Ace 101 kind of a thing. Saying like, “This is actually a common misconception. There are asexual people who have sexual desires. There are also sexual people without sexual desires. Asexual people find no one hot. If you’re wondering why a person would have sex with someone they don’t find hot, most people who have sex with their hand don’t find their hand hot.” And some– some– some jerk was pulling quotes like, “There are asexual people who have sexual desires,” saying, “By definition not asexual.” Which isn’t true, we know that. But someone comes in and tries to say, “Asexuality is considered to be a sexuality wherein one doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Asexual people can get horny and enjoy sex, but they won’t be sexually attracted to their partners or be turned on by their bodies, pleasing them etc.” And then people just argue about language, because then that poster who came in with the ace spiel says, “I try not to use sexual attraction because so many people think sexual attraction equals want to have sex with.” And a few people are like, “Well, that– that’s less good language, that that is more confusing.” And the final say is that poster saying, “Asexual people do not find people hot. Sexual people do find people hot. It’s not about whether or not they want to have sex.”
Courtney: And I have been getting increasingly more frustrated with that definition and delineation. Just because – for as much as like we’re giving grace even in this episode, saying, you know, for some people, like, this is a manifestation of their sexuality, this is something that is important for those people, I understand that not all aces have the same experience I do, and I give space for that – but not having a libido, not wanting to engage in sexual activity, that actually is a fundamental component of the way my asexuality manifests. And I’m not going to say that people in different areas of the a-spectrum are less ace than me. I’m not going to say they’re not asexual because I don’t believe those things. But there is such a hard line push – especially as of the last, like, six years I think I’ve really, really seen it ramp up – where it’s all about attraction, not action. It’s just attraction, not action. And that’s something I hear and see all the time. Every single day. And a lot of sex favorable aces will say, “Well, we have to use this language because otherwise you’re invalidating my asexuality.” And it’s like you’re kind of now invalidating my asexuality because this is a fundamental way that mine manifests. And if I’m giving space for your area of the spectrum, can you please also give space for my area?
Royce: I think people are just going to have to accept that there isn’t going to be one simple, like, singular sentence definition of asexuality–
Courtney: No.
Royce: That just encompasses the entire A-ace spectrum. Because I’ve been thinking about this and I am not aware of any other orientation that has, for example, the depth of micro labels that asexuality has, and– or, you know, broader a-spec I should say. I use those two terms interchangeably a lot. I know not everyone does that.
Courtney: Well, we’ll talk about this in a future episode. But the fact that ace no longer means ace and aro people is fascinating to me. Because a lot of people, when we originally started using the shorthand for ace, it was like the full ace community, because we didn’t want to just be saying asexual the whole time. So it was like A is being shortened to ace for both ace and aro. And now a lot of people have completely forgotten that that is how a lot of people used to use it. And now people are saying a-spec for the a-spectrum, for ace and aro spectrums, and to me that is so much clunkier than saying ace.
Royce: It is- That’s–
Courtney: So sometimes I’ll still say ace, just because that’s the language that I came up into this community in, to mean both. And now people say, like, “If you’re saying ace but you mean a-spec, that’s erasing aros.” And it’s like my language originally did accommodate aros and we just forgot about that!
Royce: Yeah, in personal life, off the microphone, I never say a-spec. Pretty much I say ace to mean ace-spec. Because ace-spec is a clumsy, two syllable word that’s harder for me to say.
Courtney: Yes.
Royce: But what I was getting to was when I look at all sexual orientations – straight, gay, bi, pan – they’re all very well-defined and have a lot of community and a lot of history. And of course, ace people have been here forever but it’s been so hard to connect, because you have to have a lot of very open, vulnerable, personal conversations. So I feel like the ace community is fairly young because it kind of relied on something like the internet to bring enough people together to have these conversations. But what happened is you found all of these different, varied experiences that aren’t gay, straight, bi, pan, and sometimes they are vastly different experiences.
Courtney: [Agrees]. Yeah, we– You know, in addition to our split attraction model series that we’ve been planning, we want a series of just episodes on language, [laughs] because we’ve got a lot of thoughts on language. Because, at the end of the day, really what I care about the most is that the people I’m communicating with can understand me, and so, to a certain extent, if you’re speaking to an individual person, your language is going to change and there are complicated nuances with that. Sometimes it’s something like code switching. Sometimes in a neurodivergent lens, that’s something like masking. But sometimes it’s genuinely just: we come from two very different places, what is the lowest common denominator for the language that we can use and still understand at least the most important elements of what we’re trying to convey to one another?
Courtney: And so, like, honestly, yeah, with a-spec, the thing is, I have started occasionally using that – either on microphone or sometimes in tweets and things – and that is just because that seems to be the direction that our individual community is saying. But I will only say that word if I’m addressing the community. If I’m trying to address a larger audience, or allo people, or non-a-spec people, I won’t use the phrase a-spec. Because they don’t know it. They do not.
Royce: Okay, I think this will be the last one for today. This one is simply titled “Broke Up With my Asexual Girlfriend.”
Courtney: Oh boy.
Royce: And it reads: “I loved her a lot. I really did. I felt like she was perfect for me in every way.” Going back to that…
Courtney: Except… sex!
Royce: [resumes reading] “Except one. [Courtney laughs] She was asexual. We dated for a little over four months. In that time I fell for her, hard. But two months into the relationship she admitted that she thinks she might be asexual as she finds the idea of sex and kissing to be repulsive. I tried to make it work for the remaining two months but I was slowly starting to resent her more and more, and I knew it would never stop. I really wanted it to work. But I’m a man with needs [Courtney hums disapprovingly] that she wasn’t capable of fulfilling, and I didn’t want to guilt or force her into doing something she didn’t want to do.
Royce: I broke up with her earlier today. I’m pretty sad about the whole thing but I know it was the right thing for both of us. Reading some of the posts here acted as the final nail in the metaphorical coffin for me. I didn’t want to end up like the unfortunate souls on this subreddit.”
Courtney: Oh no!
Royce: [keeps reading] “I thought I could do without sex, but I never really realized how damn important it was to be sexually desired in a relationship until recently.”
Courtney: Mmh… There’s that word again.
Royce: Yep. [continues reading] “It’s so goddamn important. I stopped working out in part because – quote – “what’s the point if the one person that’s allowed to see it doesn’t care?“.”
Courtney: Oh boy.
Royce: [keeps reading] “I did my first day back today and it felt good.” – I assumed that is at the gym – “II’m ready to clean myself back up and jump back into the dating game and put myself out there and find somebody new. I just want to say I don’t resent her for any of this. She was a really kind-hearted person and I wish her the best, we were just fundamentally incompatible at the end of the day and it never would have worked. I wish her the best and hope she finds happiness.”
Royce: So that was a collection of a few things we’ve talked about. One thing I wanted to mention that I’ve just always been aware of, and never really understood, is the “I’m going to exercise or diet purely to date.”
Courtney: Yeah!
Royce: Not for myself.
Courtney: Not for health.
Royce: I’m just going to do that to try to find someone during that dating phase.
Courtney: Yeah. I also– because he’s also saying like, “Man, my first day back at the gym and it felt good.”
Royce: Yes.
Courtney: Like if you like exercising, why did you stop? Liking exercise is a gift. Exercise sucks! [laughs] No, I’m with you on that. I don’t understand that. Just the loaded language in that post, though. Like, “I didn’t want to end up like the unfortunate souls here.” It sounds so melodramatic.
Royce: Yeah. As a post that was just, “Hey, here’s what happened,” and not asking for advice or anything, it’s also interesting that this person made a decision because apparently they were lurking on Dead Bedrooms.
Courtney: I don’t think I like that either. Because, like, it wasn’t that long of a relationship, so it’s not like, you know, there was a level of commitment that’s like years into this relationship, or a marriage, or a betrothment. So like, it was still technically early stages, that’s fine. But I genuinely– Like, you made a decision to break up with someone that you yourself are saying you really care about, because of what you are reading strangers say on the internet? And not out of conversations with that partner? I don’t know, that’s– Just the very concept of that is something I don’t understand.
Royce: Yeah, I don’t know what conversations they had in the relationship. Reading through some comments and seeing OP comment on a couple of things, they didn’t give their ages but they did imply that they were pretty young, and it had only been together for four months. So if they had a conversation and kind of outlined what they want or are looking for in a relationship, it seems perfectly reasonable for them both to be like, “Okay, this isn’t it,” and go on. Kind of a thing.
Courtney: Right. But, man… “The final nail in the coffin was reading about all you poor souls on this subreddit.” [laughs]
Royce: There is a comment that just says, “I’m glad that this graveyard of dead relationships saved one more soul.”
Courtney: No! That’s terrible! [emphatically] Graveyard of dead relationships.
Royce: Yeah, that was an old post. That one was actually– That one was five years ago. But it was very dense in a lot of the language that we’ve been talking about or seeing throughout.
Courtney: Well, I wish the best for his asexual ex-girlfriend. May he remember her fondly as the one who got away. [laughs] She’s probably too good for him. [laughs] I am just headcanoning this asexual girlfriend as, you know, the most gorgeous, beautiful person inside and out. That’s nonsense and I know it.
Courtney: You know, last time we did a Dead Bedrooms episode, we were talking to our friend Satan and they had a brilliant idea about what would be a better Dead Bedrooms concept than people in relationships who don’t have enough sex anymore. The concept they put forth was untouched photographs of the bedroom of people who died, like just how they died. This is what their bedroom looked like when they died. And I think that’s fascinating. I think it is a subversion of amatonormativity. I think it’s provocative, it’s enriching, it’s conceptually brilliant. I want someone to take this on as a project. I want this to be a coffee table book that we can put on our coffee table that is just pages of literal dead bedrooms. And then you can just pour over them for hours, fantasizing and wondering about the lives of these poor deceased souls. [emphatically] Who were they? What kind of life did they live? What will my bedroom look like when I inevitably die?
Royce: How many of them died before getting the chance to clean up their bedrooms before the photos were taken?
Courtney: Exactly! That’s the fascinating part! You can learn so much about a person. Was their bedroom spotless? Was it messy, as if they weren’t expecting visitors? Was it covered in medical supplies because they were aware that the death was imminent? There are so many possibilities. How old were they? How did they decorate? Did they die away from the home? Was their bed made? Did they die in the bed? The possibilities, they are endless. I am so much more intrigued by this concept of a dead bedroom than I am people griping about not having enough sex.
Courtney: So if any brilliant ace photographers out there– I myself am an artist, I am a professional, award-winning artist, if we’re being technical here, but I’m not a photographer. Taking photographs tends to irritate me. At least if it’s for social media. I gave up on Instagram a long time ago because – ugh – “I made a thing, now I have to take a picture of it to put on Instagram.” I hated it! Absolutely hated it. So if there are any already renowned ace photographers out there who are interested in making this dream come to fruition, do reach out. Let’s make it happen. But until then, thank you all so very much for being here. And we will talk to you all next time. Goodbye.
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lifeamongtheamazons · 8 months
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Had someone on Reddit ask me for advice on becoming a polyglot the other day. So I thought about how I approach learning a new language.
First off, find a language that you’re really interested in. Language learning is hard work, so having a passion for it helps keep you motivated. It could be the culture, the country, the media, even the food that piques your interest. Whatever helps you push through the hard bits.
Then find out the part of the language that makes the ah-ha moment happen for you. What I mean by this is understanding how you personally learn best. I’m a structure linguist, looking at syntax and how it all goes together in full ideas rather than just individual vocabulary. I can look at word lists all day but they don’t stick until I start forming full sentences. So find the method that makes it stick in your brain best, which is different for everyone. (This for me means I struggle mightily with agglutinative languages, because morphology doesn’t stick for me the way syntax does.)
Practice in multiple ways (reading, listening, speaking, writing) and also in different registers (news, TV, children’s books, etc). Do it every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes. Make sure it’s actually anchoring for you by trying to use it in new ways. This can be difficult to do if you don’t have a teacher or at least a learning partner to springboard off of. There are some really great apps out there to get speaking partners online (like HelloTalk and Tandem), where you can trade time for helping the other person learn English. Speaking is usually the hardest skill, so it’s okay and even good to struggle. Keep working at it!
Last, pick only one new language at a time, and get to the level of function that you’re comfortable with before delving into another. Your brain can get confused and you’ll start mixing languages if you take on too much at once. Also, remember that fluency is subjective. Nobody is perfect even in their native language, and nobody is stupid for getting it wrong while they’re learning. Fail often, fail spectacularly, and laugh about it knowing you’ll get it right the next time. It’s frustrating to not be able to say something you want to say as eloquently as you want in a new language, so grant yourself some grace. It’s a process, and you do get there eventually, like any other skill, with so much practice.
I’m sure there’s a ton of good advice out there that I’m missing here. What do you think?
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itsthefam · 2 years
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Unpopular Opinion Regarding the Stranger Things Russian Plotline
I posted this on reddit and people were EATING ME ALIVE. I know I'm going to get a lot of hate by saying this, but please be respectful. I had people literally telling me I was supporting Russia in the war, which was a disgusting claim. I feel like tumblr is a much more friendly place, and wanted to hear everyone’s opinion on this. 
Basically, I don't like how the Russians were portrayed in the show, especially when compared to the US. I think it's even a little xenophobic, the way ST paints America as a "freedom loving place" and Russia as a horrible cold place. And this isn't what's said about Russia by the characters, it’s not what they believe the country to be like based on propaganda- it's what is shown, hence, it’s what the country is established to be like.  This feels like I'm watching Cold War propaganda in real time.
You could excuse it by saying that it's set in the 80's, but I'd counter that claim by saying that it is filmed in recent years-- that means that they didn't have to make the anti-russian and anti-communism so cartoonish, a caricature of an entire country, culture, and movement. Even better, they could've just not delved into it. It didn't have to be a part of the story, they could've taken another route.
EDIT: I'll try to explain myself better. Other countries are usually badly treated by American media, and as someone whose country is often shown in a bad light, it bothers me when I see other countries getting a similar treatment. I'm from Latin American, by the way.
EDIT 2:
interesting read for those genuinely trying to understand what I meant!
  https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/russians-shouldnt-be-villain-of-stranger-things-3/
https://thatswhatshehad.com/russian-villains-stranger-things/
https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/07/19/stranger-things-stranger-times/
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scottxlogan · 1 year
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I think that moving from live journal to tumblr was very damaging for fandom as a community. Tumblr is a very easy place to share images, meta, etc. but it’s not a good place to have discussions or try to form connections. Forum sites like Reddit can be better for certain fandoms, but you have to curate your experience. I’m sorry you’re seeing a lot of negativity. The best thing I can advise is to not be afraid to block people liberally. If someone is constantly posting negative discourse or going after people for different interpretations I don’t see it because I block them. As for leaving feedback on fics, there’s always going to be a percentage of any fandom that’s not going to for whatever reason. I try to be good about it if I like the story, but again it’s not like livejournal where the author is someone I know from discussion posts or participation in another fandom, etc. Their fics on ao3 are separate from their other fandom presence and that can be both good and bad. I really do miss fandom communities, tags on tumblr are just not the same thing.
I'll answer this under the cut for those who might not want to have to scroll through my response.
Thanks for the insight anon. I think you make some very valid points. I joined fandom after the end of live journal but was fortunate enough to find it along the way and meet some of the fandom community over there. It felt like there was a sense of connect and community over there and I regret that most of the height of that was before my time. Tumblr has been good in some ways and I see that Discord is attempting to bring back the notion of community being able to have real time conversations, but still it feels a lot of discord communities are a bit cliquish especially with new people coming on into an established community where as when LJ was still dying and barely hanging on and I was the too late outsider I met some really awesome people from fandom that to this day are my friends even though we've all kind of veered in different directions. Thanks for the blocking advice. I do block those who reach out to me on Tumblr here in being nasty. If something doesn't make me comfortable I will take the time to ensure I don't have to deal with that. With VPNs it proves to be difficult, but most of the trolling comes over on AO3 where I've also taken to moderating comments on specific fics that draw in trolling. It's just sad to see that people are so set on spreading negativity or not engaging at all. I know that it's always a small percent of the fandom that do engage and I'm appreciative of those who do. It's just sometimes when you see something you've worked on gets a few hundred views and there's not a like and/or comment on it you question things like did the readers just decide to nope out on it because they didn't like it? Was it a waste of time all around or is it something that people aren't really interested in delving deeper into. Being an artist whether traditional, digital or writing always breeds a sense of uncertainty and with that I guess we have that little insecure voice at times (at least I do) that asks those types of questions. I can understand your feeling of disconnect between here and AO3 and various places and not really knowing the author like you would've in the LJ community. I try to keep the same name everywhere if I can to keep a connect between my stuff, but I know most people don't and it's hard to get caught up in things where you know someone based on their posts, but you don't really know them. I've had people tell me we've been mutuals on Tumblr for a while and I don't think we reach out often or at all in some cases like people would've on LJ. The world is changing for sure and it's kind of sad. I have no doubts that you're great in engaging those you know since you took the time to reach out to me here, which I truly do thank you for. It's nice to hear other's opinions on the subject every now and then. Thank you for being so kind and insightful and I hope that the fandom experience is treating you right where you are! Thanks again!
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dbl07 · 1 month
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The Ultimate Guide to Amazon Returns Stores: Maximizing Your Shopping Experience
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The Ultimate Guide to Amazon Returns Stores: Maximizing Your Shopping Experience In today’s fast-paced e-commerce world, the convenience of online shopping is matched by the seamless experience of returning items that don’t meet our expectations. Amazon, a titan in the online retail space, has revolutionized not only how we shop but also how we return items with its network of Amazon Returns Stores. This comprehensive guide will delve deep into the ecosystem of Amazon Returns Stores, offering you unparalleled insights to enhance your shopping and return experience. What Are Amazon Returns Stores? If you’ve ever wondered where all the Amazon returns go, the answer is not back to the Amazon warehouses. It’s to Amazon resale stores, also known as Amazon Returns Stores, Amazon liquidation stores, or simply “bin stores.” Amazon Resale Stores: How to Find One Near You Introduction Finding an Amazon Resale Store near you is like embarking on a treasure hunt for deals and unique finds. 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Can I return items purchased at an Amazon Resale Store? Return policies vary by store, so it's important to inquire at the specific location where you make your purchase. Some stores may offer returns or exchanges within a limited time frame, while others may sell items as-is. Conclusion Amazon Resale Stores offer a unique shopping experience for bargain hunters and eco-conscious consumers alike. With a little research and some savvy shopping strategies, you can uncover incredible deals on a variety of products. Remember, the inventory in these stores is always changing, so every visit offers the potential for a new discovery. Happy hunting! Benefits of Using Amazon Returns Stores Hassle-Free Returns The primary advantage of Amazon Returns Stores is the convenience they offer. By eliminating the need for boxes and return labels, they significantly reduce the effort required to return an item. This process not only saves time but also contributes to a more sustainable shopping experience by minimizing packaging waste. Immediate Refunds One of the standout features of Amazon Returns Stores is the potential for immediate refunds. Once your return is processed at the store, the refund is initiated, speeding up the time it takes for the funds to reflect in your account compared to traditional return methods. Expert Assistance Amazon Returns Stores are staffed with knowledgeable employees who can assist with the return process, answer questions, and ensure that your return meets Amazon’s guidelines. This personal touch enhances the customer experience, providing peace of mind and expert guidance. Locations and How to Find Them Amazon Returns Stores are strategically located across the country, often in or near major shopping centers or as standalone kiosks. To find the nearest Amazon Returns Store, visit the Amazon website or app and navigate to the returns section, where you can search for locations by zip code. How to Use Amazon Returns Stores: A Step-by-Step Guide - Initiate Your Return: Start by logging into your Amazon account and selecting the item(s) you wish to return. - Choose an Amazon Returns Store: Select an Amazon Returns Store as your return method. - Receive QR Code: Amazon will provide a QR code, which you will present at the store. - Visit the Store: Take your item to the selected Amazon Returns Store. - Process Your Return: Show your QR code to a store employee, who will process your return on the spot. - Get Your Refund: Once your return is processed, your refund will be initiated immediately. Tips for a Smooth Return Experience - Check Item Eligibility: Before heading to a return store, ensure your item is eligible for return at an Amazon Returns Store. - Bring ID: Some returns may require a form of identification, so have it handy. - No Need for Original Packaging: You don’t need to bring the original packaging, but ensure the item is in good condition. Conclusion Amazon Returns Stores represent a significant leap forward in making online shopping more convenient and customer-friendly. By understanding how to leverage these stores for your returns, you can enjoy a more seamless and efficient shopping experience. Whether you’re an avid Amazon shopper or occasionally indulge in online purchases, the benefits of using Amazon Returns Stores are too significant to overlook. How The Bin Store Can Help Your Side Hustle One of the great things about The Bin Store is we have a ton of great friends in the #resellercommunity who shop with us and make money as a side hustle or full time having fun treasure hunting and taking care of their families. So if you are looking for “liquidation store near me” or “bin store near me” At The Bin Store, we have truckloads of overstock merchandise from major retailers and we probably have a location near you. Check out More items for Only $6 At The Bin Store, we have truckloads of overstock merchandise from major retailers.   Any item you find in our bins are $6 or less! Hours Friday 9:00am – 5:00pm $6 Saturday 10:00am – 6:00pm $6 Sunday 10:00am – 6:00pm $5 Monday 10:00am – 6:00pm $4 Tuesday 10:00am – 6:00pm $3 Wednesday 10:00am – 6:00pm $2 Thursday 10:00am – 2:00pm $1 We have 2 locations in South Carolina - The Bin Store Columbia SC close to Greenville, Charlotte, Raleigh, and Charleston. 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trektism · 4 months
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The rise of anti intellectualism is so fucking PALPABLE these days and excuse my misandry but men are the prime carriers of this disease.
A quick rant on the subject:
I remember when we were interpreting Kafka's metamorphosis in my higher level lit class back in 2021, the teacher decided to start off our work with an open discussion. People raised their hands and shared their interpretations of the work. The teacher was providing some subtle guidance as to what common tracks were usually taken for interpreting metamorphosis (absurdism, symbolism, autobiographical, metaphorical, stuff like that). Without fail, men of the class would opt in for the absurdist option. Not to invalidate that view of the text, it's undeniable that the work has absurdist themes, but it is also quite convenient to say, "It has no meaning!" and call it a day (which i might add, is not really a good interpretation for even the most absurd of absurdist texts). The men of the class wrote less on their essays, were more likely to call a text "stupid" or "boring" or just insult the author in some way. Simply put, they are more likely to look for a reason not to analyze the text, to not look into it, and to search for meaning in it. It's easier to shrug and say, "It's stupid and not worth my time" than it is to give a genuine and careful look at a piece of art and extrapolate is meaning.
My father, whenever I share with him my thoughts on art, movies, books, and shows, he often rolls his eyes at me or tells me to save it. "You're a little philosopher, but I don’t think it's supposed to mean anything. I don't think the authors intended for it to mean anything." Yes, maybe they didn't, maybe they did and maybe their meaning is different than mine. How is any of that a good reason not to interpret the work? Interpretation embedds meaning and allows you to see the depth of a piece of art, without it, your experience is shallow, and almost inhumanly mindless. Just like with the boys in the literature class, this is all just an excuse not to think. A choice to opt out of nuance, out of complexity, and exist only in the simplicity of literal representation. No subtext, no symbolism, no metaphors, no hidden emotion. It's sad, it's dull, it's empty, and its even facist!
Ah, another non-trek rambling essay on my page NO actually this ties into trek perfectly. Star Trek, the original series is FULL of subtext and of philosophical messaging. The relationship of Kirk and Spock (as you should fucking know by now) can very easily be argued as a deep love relationship, the kind that makes the trek bros scream and cry due to their phobia of homo's. I know this is gonna sound scary but go to reddit dot com and see what the old trek bros have say about the blatant gay subtext of amok time, or the parallels and subtext of the motion picture. 💀💀💀by the nine these bitches have never passed 8th grade lit and it shows. They hate TMP because they're moosh brained and take it far too literally and have no idea whats actually going on in the story, and they dont see amok time as gay because its not like they made out and had gay sex or anything. This is just idiotic. Rejecting or out-right ridiculing any interpretation beyond the literal one is definitely anti intellectualism.
TNG falls back on the gay subtext but still tries to be more meat than sauce when it comes to food for the mind. Plenty of episodes delve into difficult moral dilemmas that I end up chewing on for days and months at a time. Mind you, this is exactly why people find star trek boring. Too much thinking, not enough pew pew. My evidence for this is only anecdotal, from whenever I asked people for their thoughts on the series. How it usually goes is; "I'm more of a starwars fan, it's just more interesting." Really? How so? "I don't really know it's just better." They typically don't even analyze what they like about their favorite properties. EMBARRASSING!! Although this evidence is anecdotal, I'm sure you could find many substantial support to this theory via angry threads on old forums.
This entire subject enrages me completely, and im sure the more discerning trektism reader took notice to my unraveling over the course of this rant. I will not extend it any longer, its already been too long. Facism is a disease, kill it with fire, peace and love peace and love.
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I’m absolutely obsessed with the reddit side of the Tolkien fandom, in particular, this discussion regarding how Sauron fits the ring on his finger, as well as penile compensation a la Lord Farqaud style
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ok SO i honestly haven’t ever really delved into the “kaylor” rumours before but my roommate started showing me some reddit threads on the topic and now i’m curious about your opinion on the matter (not sure if you’ve stated your opinion on this before and i’ve just missed it….i personally still feel skepticism about the whole thing and it feels a bit…intrusive? idk though, tell me ur thoughts!)
Hi Caro!! I am in fact a veteran of Making Fun Of K*ylor lmao. (censoring cause I'm afraid of showing up in certain tags LMAOOO)
I'm pretty well-read on the subject and have come across veeeeeery little honestly compelling evidence, and anything compelling is like ... only from 2014/15 (and the Ks I "followed" still believed they're a thing less than a year ago). I used to compile my favourite reaches and show them to my mom lmao.
The entire mainstream theory (mainstream being the big blogs on tumblr) evolved from arguments like "Taylor has a more natural chemistry with Karlie than with Calvin" to kind of absolutely batshit conspiracies after the 2016 election cause OOPS! Karlie was dating the president's son in law. A lot of them were so bad at criticizing the Kushners normally without making everything seem cartoonish at best, and very antisemitic at worst.
But I haven't kept up with it more or less since Karlie announced her pregnancy and a the whole theory was massively destabilized lmao.
Also I might not know everything. If you can link me to the specific threads I can talk about my assessment of that specific evidence, cause it kind of varies WIDELY in terms of how plausible it is to me.
It's definitely invasive to a certain degree, and Taylor has actually over the years in more as well as less subtle ways expressed her discomfort with it. But I also don't exactly fault people for kind of falling victim to wishful thinking cause a lot of them are just trying to relate to the world and to people they look up to. Ultimately, I think the biggest damage they do is to themselves by kind of deprogramming their critical thinking skills, as conspiracy-like behavior often leads to.
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gascon-en-exil · 3 years
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Not a notp ask but some observations on edelbert and ferdibert fics and their portrayal of Edelgard. Going to straight up admit I've never read any Edeleth but the captain stuff got me wondering... like ferdibert is very much a pair the spairs/afterthought for that fandom segment it seems. For every ferdibert focused fic i've read though Edelgard is an integral part of their relationship as the Emperor but also as the woman they both admire lol. She's also never painted as perfect or woobified like in captain vision as a lot of ferdibert fics pick up after support level b bad actually take an interest in the fantasy politics. I think another reason for both Edelbert and Ferdibert fics delving into the more unsavory aspects of the empire is that's largely Hubert's wheelhouse. The appeal of edelbert in general seems to be "guy who will bloody his hands to ridiculous amounts for his liege" so that's often on display in those fics. Also while there's crossover between the ferdibert and edeleth fandoms (pair the spares) and edelbert and ferdibert (empire ot3) I really haven't seen any edelbert and edeleth. Maybe that contributes to how different Edelgard is on that side of the divide too?
Ferdibert is a surprisingly complicated ship in fandom. It's a part of the Standard Eagles Gay Setup - along with lesbian Edeleth, Casphardt, and Doropetra - but because of the significance of both characters and how much they're intertwined with Edelgard there's been all sorts of odd wank around the ship. I've seen Ferdibert shippers who insist that you can't like the pairing if you "hate" (read: are critical of and/or simply indifferent to) Edelgard, and others including myself who see Hubert/Ferdibert as selling points of CF because Hubert is delightful in his unmasked villainy and Ferdibert works as a better emotional barometer for the Eagles route split than anything involving Byleth ever could...because Ferdinand actually has emotions of his own and isn't just a proxy for the player. Naturally, these two subgroups rarely get along. The second category is undoubtedly why non-CF Ferdibert is a thing in fanon, allowing writers to explore things that the game never touches on: how would Hubert react to outliving Edelgard? what would he do in a situation where he has neither her nor a blank check to commit whatever evil acts he pleases? would the sex with Ferdinand be more or less kinky? etc. Hubert wants to sleep with Edelgard while Ferdinand essentially wants to be Edelgard; there's no way that would never manifest in fascinating ways in their relationship no matter what the scenario.
As for, uh, Edelbertleth, I can make a few guesses as to why it's barely seen outside kink memes or the like. Reddit dudebros who ship Edeleth either see Hubert as an ugly incel creep Edelgard would never be interested in (technically correct) or do their best to woobify him and likely pair him with Bernadetta or another woman instead. Tumblr Edeleth shippers are much more likely to put them alongside Ferdibert and turn Edelgard and Hubert into gay BFFs, erasing Hubert's attraction to Edelgard entirely because it's unpleasant and comes across to them as an obstacle to both their ships...even though it absolutely isn't. I don't see Hubert's attraction to Edelgard presenting any obstacle to Edeleth, and it only spices up his own romance with Ferdinand.
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xb-squaredx · 3 years
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Rise of the V-Tuber
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As a platform, YouTube has gone through a variety of “eras,” wherein a particular trend catches on and defines the website for some time. In the early days, you had funny cat videos, then Let’s Plays of video games became rather popular, and now we seem to be deeply entrenched into a new era that has exploded in popularity as of late. If you’ve frequented the website at all in the past few months, it is almost inescapable. Cutesy, anime-styled avatars that play games, sing, chat with viewers, or even cook! What does it all mean? Where did they come from? Are they here to stay? Most importantly, how does one crawl out of the rabbit hole once they fall into it? All that and more will be revealed as we delve deep into the wacky, wholesome and sometimes worrying world of V-Tubers. (photo credit YuuGiJoou. Check her out on YouTube, Twitter or Twitch!) 
THE ORIGIN
To begin properly, let’s define the subject. A “V-Tuber” is a “Virtual YouTuber,” someone who streams on YouTube (or any other streaming platform) using a digital avatar as a proxy. The streamer in question typically uses face-tracking software so that the avatar can emote (or at least attempt to emote) to match their own reactions as they provide entertainment for their audience. While it may seem as if V-Tubers are rather new, in doing research on the topic, you’d be surprised how far back things go.
For starters, the concept of a virtual celebrity has been around for a while, with one of the most notable efforts being Hatsune Miku, a Vocaloid voicebank program. Hatsune Miku is every bit as famous and beloved as a flesh-and-blood singer or entertainer despite being nothing but voice synthesizer software. Vocaloid got its start back in 2000, eventually being reworked into a commercial product in 2004, though it wasn’t until the programs started receiving anthropomorphic character designs that it took off, with Hatsune Miku’s own debut in 2007, and the rest is history.
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Many will consider “Virtual Idol” Kizuna Ai as the true pioneer of what we call a V-Tuber today, making her debut in 2016, however one could make an argument that Ami Yamato, a 3D-animated vlogging channel debuting in 2013, beat her to the punch. Honorable mention of course goes to Any Malu, a Brazilian animated YouTube vlogger who debuted in 2015 and eventually gained her own show on Cartoon Network Brazil. While Ai may not be the first, she is undoubtedly considered to be the codifier that many later V-Tubers would follow. Ai’s entire shtick was being an AI program that wanted to connect with humans, playing games, singing or interacting with fans. Following her explosive popularity, it was clear that other companies would follow the model established by Ai, with their own spins on it of course.
Nijisanji, established in 2018, proved that this trend could be incredibly profitable, becoming trailblazers in their own right as they established various “branches” of their company in several countries with their own unique performers that could cater to a wider range of viewers. As of this writing, Nijisanji employs over 164 “Virtual Livers,” most of which come from their Japan branch, alongside their Korean, Chinese, Indian and Indonesian branches. Similarly, there is the Hololive corporation, which saw substantial growth throughout 2020 in particular. Established in 2016 originally as Cover Corporation, at first Hololive was the name of an app meant for use in 3D motion capture, though following Nijisanji’s success, Hololive was rebranded as a V-Tuber competitor and also features a variety of colorful characters spread across many different main branches. There is of course the Japanese branch, as well as Hololive Indonesia, the relatively new (and highly successful) Hololive English, a defunct Chinese branch and an all-male Holostar branch in Japan.
Other, smaller V-Tuber groups have sprung up alongside the corporate powerhouses, such as VOMS Project, established in March of 2020, as an independent trio of streamers, and more recently at the tail-end of 2020 with V-Shojo, featuring a group of Western streamers (who ironically mostly stick to Twitch). Outside of this of course are the countless independent streamers who utilize avatars for one reason or another across many different platforms. Even prominent Twitch streamers seem to be getting in on the act, such as Pokimane, though that one has not come without some backlash. So consider that a rough history of how V-Tubers got started in Japan but how did they gain a more global fanbase? Well, in a word…”memes.”
GOING INTERNATIONAL
I won’t deny there had to be at least SOME overseas fans who enjoyed watching V-Tubers before they became more well-known, but for many Western fans their introductions to V-Tubers in general typically came from viral videos taken from various streams that spread like wildfire, eventually getting people curious enough to check them out. For Kizuna Ai, her playthrough of Resident Evil 7 gained notoriety for her mimicking the cursing of the English-speaking player character, and for Hololive, arguably the first real Western breakthrough for the company came from a now infamous moment from Sakura Miko’s stream of Grand Theft Auto 5. 
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Also from Hololive, Inugami Korone in particular had a variety of memes spread about her due to playthroughs from various games that even got acknowledged by the developers themselves. Her playthrough of DOOM 2016 resulted in a short-lived Easter egg implanted into DOOM Eternal, and her video on Banjo-Kazooie (and the animated Eekum Bokum fan video that spawned from that) got the attention of Rare, Xbox and even Grant Kirkhope, the composer for the original game.
Honestly, the real unsung heroes of sorts for V-Tuber popularity might just come from foreign fans that would clip and translate various moments from streams that helped to build an international audience. There are dozens of Twitter handles and YouTube channels that specialize in spreading these clips around and if you factor in the YouTube algorithm, once you see one video your feed will be flooded with similar videos. It is no surprise fans call getting into the fandom “falling into the rabbit hole.” When you look at the more popular members of Hololive, often the ones with various viral clips have the higher subscription counts. In the case of Aki Rosenthal, one of the older members, her sub count exploded after a fan translated a section from a then-recent stream in which she talked candidly about her less-than-stellar growth as well as the difficulties of standing out in general. While at one point having the lowest amount of subscribers (well below 200,000), in the months since that video her sub count has more than doubled going past 400,000. Sometimes the talent needs a little push.
Now, within Hololive itself, I think Kiryu Coco is also partially responsible for expanding the fanbase, being one of the few employed talents with the ability to speak English (likely a native speaker), she gained a large international fanbase as she would work to translate what she or other members were talking about on the fly, and later on established an ongoing series where she would directly engage with fans over websites like Reddit and “rate” the various memes they would send in. Coco also pushed for establishing what would become Hololive English, which has proven to be a gigantic success, each member of that branch blowing past more established talent’s subscriber counts, with Gawr Gura becoming the first Hololive V-Tuber to pass one million subscribers and just recently passed the two million mark. So yeah, V-Tubers are a big deal now but…what is about them that makes people want to watch them in the first place?
THE APPEAL
So, right off the bat, if we’re going to ask why someone would want to watch a V-Tuber I think it’s fair to ask that of virtually ANY internet personality. The reason why someone would watch Game Grumps or Pokimane or Jojo Siwa or whoever else is the same reason they’d watch Kizuna Ai or Inugami Korone or Ironmouse: they’re entertaining. I guess that seems like a bit of a cop-out answer, right? There MUST be a reason why V-Tubers have blown up in popularity over the last few years, so are there things that make these particular Internet entertainers stand out from the crowd?
Undoubtedly, the fact that these streamers are playing a character is a deviation from the norm, though the dedication to staying “in character” seems to vary from person to person, and over time many V-Tubers tend to open up and are far more genuine. At any rate, even the best actor out there can’t possibly make up various daily happenings or childhood stories for their characters on the fly, day after day, stream after stream. Still, I’d imagine the decision to use a proxy as opposed to their real self can be liberating, a mask they can wear to speak more freely or a role they can play up for entertainment. For the most part, I think the persona aspect is mostly harmless fun that makes the streamer seem more distinct; ask yourself which is more eye-catching: some normal human playing a game and occasionally cracking a joke, or a one-eyed pirate girl discussing her raunchy past? Or maybe you’d rather watch the grim reaper practice her raps? Even talent that don’t really play up their character much still often have interesting character designs; we have princesses, dragons, devils, robots and more. A little something for everyone!
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Speaking a bit more personally, I find it interesting to watch streamers from an entirely different culture and how they interact with fans or engage with games. I find it funny when Inugami Korone or Sakura Miko plays more Western-oriented games like the DOOM series or Grand Theft Auto V respectively. Often times they’re blown away by the culture clash, or they view these games through a different lens since it’s so different from what they’re used to. In particular, those two are just genuine goofballs that are funny all on their own. More chat-focused streams are an interesting view into daily life in Japan, such as the stories Houshou Marine tells, though obviously a given V-Tuber’s viewpoint isn’t a metric you can apply to the whole country, but she’s still interesting to listen to. Takanashi Kiara is also notable for her multilingual skills, which has helped her bridge the gap a bit more between the various Hololive members through her Holotalk segments where she interviews other V-Tubers. Outside of Hololive, Amano Pikamee from VOMS Project is just a bundle of energy that’s fun to watch as she rages in Super Mario 64 or Super Mario Sunshine. Her tea-kettle laugh is also just kinda charming. The V-Shojo group stands out for being super vulgar compared to the more corporate V-Tubers and while I don’t watch them all that much, there’s still some fun chaos to be had. Still though, I think there’s one big elephant in the room that would also help explain V-Tubers catching on at this specific point in time: the pandemic. Streaming is one of the few jobs not really affected by the pandemic, and with people stuck inside, they’re more likely to scroll through YouTube or Twitter and find a funny clip and then…well, you know… It’s one bright spot in an otherwise dark time…but I’d be lying if I said it was all sunshine and rainbows.
THE DARK UNDERBELLY
The overall idea behind V-Tubers, at least in Japan, seems to be an extension of Idol Culture…and uh…if you know anything about Idol Culture in Japan, it is all kinds of scummy. Exploitative, filled to the brim with harmful rules and regulations and largely catering to some vary unsavory “fans,” I’ll make it no mystery that I find it incredibly distasteful. Look no further than what happened to Minegishi Minami from the idol group AKB48. To keep a long story short, the obsession with “purity” and being this idealized Japanese beauty means idols are effectively locked into their work, unable to discuss or in many cases partake in romantic relationships, as that would make them less “desirable” to their audience. This unfortunately does at times extend to V-Tubers.
Take Tokoyami Towa, who was suspended for some time and forced to make an apology video for…having some male voices briefly heard over Discord during an Apex Legend stream. She even lost a lot of subscribers and support from Japanese fans following this, though once learning of this, Western fans flocked to her as a show of support. Hololive has also dealt with a variety of issues coming from Chinese fans; though that’s a particular hornet’s nest I don’t want to delve into here too much. To sum it up, fans can get obsessive and toxic, which can lead to the talent being harassed. It is for this reason, it is generally agreed upon by fans to not delve too deep into the personal lives of the V-Tubers, for fear of being doxxed and the illusion being broken. These kinds of issues certainly bring up some interesting questions regarding how talent should be treated moving forward.
Are these V-Tubers characters or just alternate sides of real people? Where does the fantasy end and reality begin? Ultimately, the lines are somewhat blurred. Talent certainly brings some of their own personality into the performance, but they are forced to remain anonymous and as can be seen in the case of Kizuna Ai, they are not always in control of the character they’ve been given. Kizuna Ai’s initial actress was for a time replaced, and “clones” of the character with different voices and personalities started to spring up, likely as an attempt to compete with the likes of Nijisanji and Hololive. In cases where V-Tubers retire from the industry, or “graduate” as some call it, all of their hard work cultivating a fanbase might end up being for nothing as they were forced behind a proxy that isn’t truly themselves and I imagine it can be hard to start over again from square one. Never mind the attempts to step out of the shadow of your older work. Man, Perfect Blue was downright prophetic at times, huh?
I don’t want to dwell on the negatives too much though. It’s worth noting for one thing that Nijisanji seems relatively lax regarding how their talent operates, whereas it seems Hololive is the standout for adhering to the idol ideal, though considering how some of the talent acts (in particular Kiryu Coco), one has to wonder if they’re softening their stances a bit. Many V-Tubers generally talk about the positive aspects of the industry and being given the opportunity to reach people from all over the world. Shortly after Ina’s debut in Hololive English, she was actually brought to tears when told her art streams convinced people to get into (or back into) the hobby, which had been one of her goals for becoming a V-Tuber in the first place. Ironmouse, now a member of V-Shojo, has an immune system disorder that keeps her bedridden and forced to stay inside, so the opportunities afforded by this particular type of streaming has allowed her to reach out to others and as per her own words, has changed her life for the better. While there are definitely “fans” that go too far, corporate practices that are outdated, or harmful and a slew of potential unfortunate implications, ultimately I think most people out there are just looking for quality entertainment, and these digital proxies give these entertainers an outlet to connect with fans in a way that they might not have otherwise.
CONCLUSION
V-Tubers are in a bit of a boom at the moment, though I can’t imagine it’ll last forever. We’re quickly approaching market saturation and after a point, people can only follow so many streamers at once. Hell, as I was editing this up, it seems as if prominent YouTuber Pewdiepie is about to step into the ring, so who knows what kind of shake-up that could bring. The bubble will undoubtedly burst and what becomes of V-Tubers then is still up in the air. Or who knows, maybe V-Tubers will endure and replace all entertainment and we’re just watching the beginning of a cyberpunk dystopia. Stranger things have happened! Considering the world is still reeling from the effects of the pandemic, that should largely have an impact on the popularity of V-Tubers for some time to come, though as we emerge into a “new normal” in the world, it’ll be interesting to see how these entertainers continue to evolve. Now, I suppose there is one question I never quite went over before now, isn’t there? How does one escape the V-Tuber rabbit hole? Well, I’m sorry to say but there is no escape.
Enjoy your new home!
-B
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tea-at-221 · 3 years
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The TJLC Debacle: 3 years out from S4 and counting; the copyright mini-theory; so much salt I’m bloated; but in the end, there is peace (I love you Johnlockers)
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Ugh, don't even talk to me about Mary.
Don't even talk to me about the way Mofftiss have said they're sick of responding to fans on the subject of Johnlock. Of how they've said they're "not telling anyone else what to think or write about them" (as if they could stop us; as if they even own Sherlock themselves. Do keep reading, because this point becomes much more relevant and in-jokey later on). Don't even mention how they've bitched and whined incessantly because--god forbid--fans got *really really* into their show and emotionally invested.
They're so eager to discount all the beautiful little moments they wrote as accidents. And Arwel, who planted all those props, continually demonstrates that he's on their side (a not-very in-depth-analysis of his Instagram account and the way he interacted with fans towards the beginning of the pandemic showed as much, but I think maybe he’s grown a bit wiser and quieter since at least in terms of Johnlock and all things elephant-related. I don’t know for sure because I stopped looking.)
Anyway--they'd actually prefer for us to celebrate our own intelligence, is I suppose a charitable way of looking at it: our ability to make connections between things in the show; our metas on symbolism; our insightful fanfic; etc., and denounce them as the bad writers that they ultimately are.
More under the cut.
(This post may be of interest to you especially if you came to the fandom a bit later: multiple links to things of relevance/quotes/explanations appear both within and at the end of this entry.)
Because what makes a writer good?
Well, an ability to make people feel an emotional connection to their work, for one. I know this is just my own perspective, but if not for Johnlock, all my emotion about the show would evaporate. There wouldn't be much else there. Other people might get something, but I wouldn’t. Is some of the writing witty and entertaining regardless of any inferred/implied Johnlock? Yeah but, eh, a lot of shows have some good writing and I just don’t give a damn about them.
What makes a writer good?
Not making promises to the reader/viewer that they'll never keep. Plot holes, leading dialogue ("There’s stuff you wanted to say...but didn’t say it.” “Yeah”) never followed through on, puns that are apparently, I suppose, unintentional (e.g. "'Previous' commander?" "I meant 'ex'").
Uh, not writing continual gay jokes that aren't actually pointing toward the inference that people are making them because there's actually something going on there under the surface. (How about just don't make those jokes ever.)
Not being, apparently, oblivious (? questionable) to the queerbaiting they're engaging in *as they’re writing it.*
Acting like their LGBT audience is in the wrong/the bad guy, instead of choosing to remain respectful in the face of dissent. Instead it's just, "we never wrote it that way" / "We never played it that way."
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A lot of those other mildly witty shows don’t actually blatantly drag their most passionate fans face-down through the mud the writers themselves created. Imagine that.
I'm not even a fan of Martin Freeman anymore, for the way he handled the whole thing (getting angry, the comments he made about how the fans made Sherlock “not fun anymore”...apparently Martin’s packing up his crayons and going home?)...no offense to anyone who is still a fan of his. I don’t make it a habit to drag him. I do to some degree understand his frustration with having the whole situation taken out on him--he’s just an actor in the show--but I simply wish he’d remained as cool and professional about it as Benedict Cumberbatch instead of pointing at the fans. You’re pointing in the wrong direction, mate.
What also irks me at the end of the day is this: the subsection of people who legitimately responded badly to the TJLC/S4 debacle and went above and beyond to harass the writers and actors/actresses on social media are *few and far between*, but we've been lumped in with them by what feels like...everyone, Martin included. TJLCers/Johnlockers (not the same group, but often treated as such) have been made to look like a bunch of rambunctious, immature, demanding children time and time and again in the wake of S4.
They'd rather, what, suggest John was so in love with Mary? THAT was the relationship they wanted to uphold in that show as so significant and...what, a demonstration of how honorable it is to respect your heterosexual relationship despite, you know...ANYTHING?
Yeah sorry, I don’t believe in that. John’s text-based affair, whether a disappointment for some as to his supposed character, was a very human reaction and I kinda sorta feel like I would have reacted MUCH more strongly than that had I been John. But nope. He stayed with Mary and was *ashamed* of his wandering eye. Ashamed that maybe he wanted to be admired by someone. I can’t think of a scene, off the top of my head, where Mary ever interacted with John without belittling him in some way--if not with words, then with consistently patronizing glances.
The message here is that heterosexuality is not just acceptable, but VALUABLE, however it manifests--but god forbid anyone see a queer subtext. (Why are lgbt+ writers some of the very WORST offenders where this is concerned? And they defend it! Is this childhood nostalgia/Stockholm Syndrome of the very fondest variety or what? Gay angst is all they got if they got anything at all, so it’s still good enough as far as “representation” goes?)
They really want to tell the story of John as so emotionally/mentally fucked up that he surrounds himself with unstable people time and again. They never give any reason *why* he might do that (which they could have done even soooo subtly), or delve into his past--just, apparently it's okay to assume that Sherlock's comment about "she's like that because you chose her" is exactly that.
No. Sherlock and Mary are NOT the same. Not...*remotely*!
Mary is underhanded and evil. She lies. She manipulates. She schemes. Her “love” is based on selfishness, and her assumption that John is a simpleton and hers to mold. She's in it for herself.
Sherlock hides. He prevaricates. He feels. He loves John. He does fucked up things in the name of love, but always for the benefit of those he loves. When he screws up, which he obviously does, it’s painful to us as the audience because we see that it is painful for him when he recognizes and regrets it.
I have never seen Mary regret anything. Those crocodile tears at Christmas? More manipulation. Inconsistent with anything else we were shown about her as a character.
To even think for a SECOND that people could ship Mary and John and mentally condemn John for cheating on Mary AFTER SHE SHOT HIS BEST FRIEND...as if marriage is the be-all-end-all free pass in which every sin must be forgiven until the end of time...as if John broke any covenant with his wife beyond those she broke from the very moment she walked into his life *with an entire fake past.* Is just. Well. It's asking us to accept gaslighting as healthy, loving, normal, *preferable* behavior, so...given the source that message is coming from, it's all a bit meta.
THAT. Is insanity. Maybe Mofftiss are the sociopaths.
How these men could write characters they themselves understand so little (or tell us they understand so little because their emotional maturity has yet to surpass that of the average three-year-old’s), I will never know. I can only imagine that they have absorbed, by osmosis over their lives, real and nuanced human behavior...then churned it back out again in their writing unaware, a bit like psychopaths who teach themselves what "normal" people do so that they can pass as psychologically sound in regular society.
Remember, we *are* talking about men who do these sorts of things:
Moffat says that Sherlock is celibate and that people who claim he's misogynistic when he does things like make Irene Adler imply she's attracted to the detective (even though she's a lesbian) are, ironically, "deeply offensive" (despite lines like "look at us both" in Battersea. We aren't your therapists, Moffat--we don't care what you meant, we care what you said, and what you *said* was clear. *Implying* it does not let you off the hook).
Gatiss has proclaimed that "I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting" than the idea of ever making a show addressing LGBT issues. (That link is to a reddit forum, and I can't find the original interview anymore, but I assure you I had seen the actual article myself ages back and can't find it online again now along with some of the Martin quotes I wanted to link to. And nevermind what Gatiss has done with LGBT shows/issues since--my focus here is on what he has said, versus what he and Moffat have since claimed regarding their queerbaiting.)
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Here’s a transcript of this screenshot:
"...many people come up and say they didn't realise." Despite this lack of public awareness, being part of the gay community is clearly important to Gatiss: "The older I get the more I want to give something back. I mean, I keep meaning to do something." When asked if he'd be interested in making a series about gay issues his response was enlightening:
"No, I don't think I'd make a kind of gay programme. It's much more interesting when it's not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting. Of course this reflects the grand picture of everyone's strange make-up; there are good gay people and bad gay people. I wouldn't like to make an issue film around the culture of being gay."
Instead Gatiss' interest seems to lie in making a drama where sexuality is, if not mundane, part of the wider framework: "I'd quite like to do something about a quite happy, ordinary gay person who's just incidentally gay. For example, a three-part thriller for ITV where the lead character just happens to be gay; when they finally go home, say 45 minutes in, and they had a same sex partner. That to me would be genuinely progressive. It wouldn't be a three-part gay thriller for ITV. It would be that this character just happened to be gay."
--End article quote.
And instead, who is canonically gay in the series? Well, Irene Adler. The innkeepers at the Cross Keys. And perhaps most notably, the *villains*, because that's a helpful trope: Moriarty and Eurus are, in S4, both implied to be at least bisexual.
Any character should be able to be any sexuality, this is true. But can we have some main characters, the good guys, give some good representation? Can't we start making that the standard, rather than the villains and the background characters? Because so far, that is the exception and not the rule.
Writers need to be aware of the damage they are perpetuating. We are not quite in a world yet where any character should be able to be any sexuality but isn't, yet we have no problem with saying the villain is LGBT+ or looks different/functions differently than much of the viewing audience.
"Male friendship is important and valid, not everything has to be gay"--this is a popular point with casual heterosexual viewers (and, to my chagrin, some of my LGBT+ friends) who don't fully grasp what "queerbaiting" is, often even when it's pointed out to them.
The lens of heterosexuality is real. My first time through watching BBC Sherlock, I didn't see the Johnlock at all. I had to look for it and read about it. When I saw it, the lens was lifted for me, and it changed my life and the way I view things forever (and for the best).
But back to my point about how little Mofftiss seem to understand their own story/most ardent fans, and then on to my other theory: in S4 it must be that they dropped their “psychopaths emulating empathy” act and indulged in their own "insane wish fulfillment" by doing away with all of the meaning, continuity, and sense. Right?
So, here’s the alternate theory. One which is not, please remember, in their defense.
Remember that S4 is what Mofftiss are *happy* to have us believe is what they'd do with these characters, given the chance to do whatever they wanted. I repeat, in Moffat’s own words: “Insane wish fulfillment.”
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Okay I get it, this pasta has been over-salted.
Without further delay: MY COPYRIGHT RESEARCH THEORY THAT EVEN I DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN AND WHICH DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRUELTY EVEN IF TRUE
Part of me also raises an eyebrow at S4 as perhaps an example of the effect of the Conan Doyle estate on any modern production in the US. While it’s true that all of Sherlock is part of public domain in the UK and has been for quite a long time, Gatiss and Moffat still talk about it being partially under copyright. Specifically, the last 10 stories. I’m supposing that this means that because Sherlock airs internationally, or due to whatever contract the BBC has with the Doyle estate, they are still limited by the copyright as to what they can “publish”.
The Doyle estate is known for being a pain in the ass when it comes to abiding by copyright law as everyone else knows and practices it. They’ve tried to argue, for example (in 2013 and, much more recently, with the advent of Enola Holmes), that because Holmes and Watson were not fully developed as their final selves until the conclusion of all 10 stories still under copyright, then perhaps the characters themselves should still be protected, basically, in full.
It’s true that certain elements of the remaining stories are still under copyright here in the US (Watson had more than one wife--uh huh, we have that to look forward to, Johnlockers; the Garridebs moment is still under copyright--yeah, I’m getting to that too; and Sherlock didn’t care much for dogs til later so that’s not allowed either, fuck off Redbeard), but the estate’s problem in 2013 seemed to be based around a fear that *gasp* some day--if not right now!--anyone could write a Sherlock Holmes story in any way they pleased, changing the characters however they wished to and giving those characters “multiple personalities.”
See the following excerpt from the Estate’s case:
“...at any given point in their fictional lives, the two men's characters depend on the Ten Stories. It is impossible to split the characters into public domain versions and complete versions.”
(Click for full transcript.)
Obviously, by this point, that’s been done in multiple iterations. So I dunno. Their argument was *more* than muddy to begin with--they just grasp at straws to stay in control, it seems.
But okay. Backing up: wasn’t there sort-of a Garridebs moment in S4?!?? you cry. Yep. But imagine this: the Conan Doyle estate taking Mofftiss to court to argue that they depicted the Garridebs moment--a moment still under copyright--in The Final Problem.
Did they, though? Did they really?
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The fandom cried out about the ridiculousness--the utter disappointment--of that moment when it was shown. It was not what we would have expected/wanted. We didn’t see John injured, Sherlock reacting with tender outrage to the good doctor’s attacker.
Instead we saw some ludicrous BS that was as bad as the clown with the sword-gun-umbrella. More of that.
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I think Martin probably found that it was easy to produce real tears when he thought about how fucking terrible the S4 scripts were.
Ahem. Yet, this all seems very Mofftiss-flavored in terms of humor.
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I can all-too-easily imagine them saying, “HA. We’re going to show some of these supposedly copyrighted things--and if they take us to court, they’ll be laughed out of the room.” Could that explain some of the overall S4 fuckery?
Sherlock wasn’t supposed to like dogs til later stories, as previously mentioned-- is that why Redbeard pulled a “Cinderella’s carriage” and transformed into a pumpkin (Victor Trevor)? Hmm. Sigh.
It...doesn’t actually appear that the estate has any qualms about taking laughable stuff to court, I mean...*shrug.* They have the money to do it, and money is the name of the game, because you’ve got to pay for rights (cha-ching sounds).
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Yep, it does seem that the estate is open to the copyrighted materials being made reality, but who knows for what price or with what caveats. The BBC isn’t, so far as I’ve ever heard, known for throwing money around. Early Doctor Who would be so much less entertaining if they’d had any sort of budget. (And in fact, more of the older episodes would exist, but apparently the BBC--in part to cut costs--reused some of their tapes.)
My bottom-line bitter is this: Mofftiss do like to amuse themselves. To please themselves and no one else, as they’ve shown time and again. Sure, they could do whatever they wanted with S4...and they did...but they were also cruel about it, and that’s what I’ll never forgive them--OR the BBC--for.
A lot of fans gave up after series 4. I was very nearly one of them. I was angry, like just about every other Johnlocker and/or TJLCer, but I was really truly heartbroken. I couldn’t look at fanfiction. My days were full of bitterness and I keenly felt the lack of the fandom outlet that had become so essential to my mental well-being. I didn't know how to overcome the disparity between TJLC and what the show actually was. I didn't know how to separate the things I loved so much from the shitty writers and the way the BBC handled things with their whole response letter (that atrocious, childish blanket response they sent to everyone who complained about S4, not just the Johnlockers/TJLCers. Related to your complaint or not, if you filed one post-S4, this was the response you got). I still boycott BBC shows/merchandise, just by the way.
I tried to link to the blanket response letter but the link didn’t want to work (it’s an old reddit post; I had difficulty finding a copy of the letter elsewhere though at one point it wasn’t so hard...Google is weird these days y’all...tell me it’s not just me) so here’s a screenshot:
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Transcript:
“Thank you for contacting us about “Sherlock”.
The BBC and Hartswood Films have received feedback from some viewers who were disappointed there was not a romantic resolution to the relationship between Sherlcok and John in the finale of the latest season of “Sherlock”.
We are aware that the majority of this feedback uses the same text posted on websites and circulated on social media.
Through four series and thirteen episodes, Sherlock and John have never shown any romantic or sexual interest in each other. Furthermore, whenever the creators of “Sherlock” have been asked by fans if the relationship might develop in that direction, they have always made it clear that it would not.
Sherlock’s writers, cast and producers have long been firm and vocal supporters of LGBT rights.
The BBC does not accept the allegations leveled at “Sherlock” or its writers, and we wholeheartedly support the creative freedom of the writers to develop the story as they see fit.
We will of course register your disappointment.
Thank you for contacting us.
Kind Regards,
BBC Complaints Team
So how about that? *Did* they “register our disappointment”? We can actually check that. The BBC’s website has a monthly summary of complaints received. So what did they receive in January 2017, the month S4 aired?
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Huh, what do you know. Sounds like that blanket response was exactly the “fuck you” it came across as.
But the show--the FANDOM--had filled a need in my life, and so I had to own that and make it mine, or just...let something in me die: something that felt like an actual vital organ. I had to decide that these characters mean something to me beyond what anyone else tells me they should. I had to accept my own perceptions as truth, as I do with everything else in my life. I had to overcome the idea of canon as law (BBC Sherlock isn't canon anyway; ACD is canon. BBC Sherlock is, in the end, badly written fanfiction--or--worse?--decent pre-slash fanfiction distorted by consistent lies and the hazing of the LGBT audience, topped with the dumpster fire of S4′s incoherent nonsense).
I had to take the good and throw away the bad, just like anyone else who chose to stay. The good bits of the show...dialogue, yes. Plot points, yes. These awful writers did write some good stuff sometimes.
They just broke all the unspoken rules of what not to do to your audience. And then did and said everything they could not to apologize, and to justify their own failings. Which, in the years since I began shipping queer ships beyond any others, I have unfortunately experienced more than once.
So, my vulnerability has been yeeted into the vacuum of broke-my-trustdom: no one can tell me what things should mean to me. I will decide.
I decide that all of the FUCKING AMAZING writing in the Sherlock fandom is a staple in my life that makes it worth living. And that that's okay. And takes precedence over anything the writers or anyone else associated with the show could ever say or do.
Johnlock can not be taken away. It doesn't belong to them. It never did, even if they brought us to it. It belongs to us. To the group of amazingly creative, brainy, empathetic, resourceful, vibrant, resilient people who make up this fandom.
So thank YOU, all of YOU, for giving me Sherlock, Johnlock, and TJLC.
I am SO SAD for those who never found a way to make peace with this fandom again. Let me just say that I understand that inability entirely.
I am fortunate that I found the ability in myself to cling to the joy (something it has taken my whole life to be able to do). I hope others will who haven’t yet but wish they could.
Let Mofftiss and whoever sides with them stay angry and bitter and vicious, always looking over their shoulders for anyone who dares to whisper about subtext.
I’m proud to be part of what they’re whispering so angrily about.
Thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far. I know this was very self-indulgent and rambly.
Articles of interest:
A Study in Queerbaiting (Or How Sherlock Got it All Wrong) by Marty Greyson
“We never played it like that.” - Martin on Johnlock
Henry Cavill on the Enola Holmes lawsuit
More on that--and by the way Sherlock isn’t allowed to like dogs
The way Sherlock creators told fans Sherlock & John aren’t gay is so rude
Especially for those new to the fandom who may not know the distinction between TJLC and Johnlockers and want to know more about TJLC's evolution/what it is/meta through the years
Moffat's view on asexuality, offensive to me in particular *as* an asexual person (same article where he claims he isn't misogynistic): "If he was asexual, there would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it's someone who abstains who's interesting."
Yet he says Sherlock isn't gay or straight and that he's trying to keep his brain pure which is a "very Victorian attitude"
(Nice historical research there, Moff--actually the Victorians were sex-positive).
Sherlock fans were robbed of the gay ending they deserved
Benedict Cumberbatch has lashed out at his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman over his negative attitude towards fans
BBC complaints January 2017
Martin Freeman: 'Sherlock is gayest story ever'
From 2016: UNPOPULAR OPINION: "Sherlock" Isn't Sexist or Queerbaiting; It's Actually Trying to Stage a Revolution
Queer-baiting on the BBC's Sherlock: Addressing the Invalidation of Queer Identities through Online Fan Fiction Communities by Cassidy Sheehan
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first-digi-add · 3 years
Text
How to Find the Best Keywords for SEO: It Most Important in 2021
Keywords are the heartbeat of SEO. Finding the best SEO keywords doesn't have to be difficult. This plays a very important role in your SEO strategy. Using quality content with the best keywords will definitely rank on the first page of search engines. When you start blogging, which keyword can I use, but there are many tools you can use to find the best and most popular keyword? You don't have to write a lot of long blog posts. Just write quality content and use the Keyword Research Tool to find the most popular long and short tail keywords.
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You know why?
Because you didn't have any knowledge of keyword research before writing these blog posts.
And you know what, they were all buried somewhere in the last pages of Google.
Later, you learned about keyword research from various sources, and you started doing it even before writing all of my blog posts.
It definitely helped you find the easiest keywords for your post and niche. And you were able to put many of my blog posts on the front page of Google.
In this blog post, you got all the knowledge on how to do keyword research to find keywords that are very easy to rank for.
Why Should You Do Keyword Research?
If you are to become a successful SEO professional to serve SEO Services, then you must know the importance of keyword research. In fact, keyword research can help you find long and short tail keywords that you can use on your web pages and articles to increase your Google search rankings and drive more search traffic to your website.
Keyword Research Benefits.
Keyword research can help you understand the queries people are asking on search engines like Google. It can also often give you ideas for content.
Keyword research can help you find less competitive keywords that are easy to rank for.
It will also help you find profitable keywords or keywords with purchase intent.
First, you need primary and secondary keywords for websites and blog posts. Now, primary keywords play a role in search engine keywords that help find your target customer. Ideally, you should choose one primary keyword (focus keyword) for your web page or blog post. You can also have 2 or 3 additional keywords.
After careful keyword research, we should have this ideal primary keyword (target keyword) ready. And then we can go ahead and optimize the webpage or blog post for that particular keyword.
Researching The Best Keywords For SEO
You must pay attention when choosing a keyword for SEO. Because the purpose of the search is different for different people. There are two types of people who discuss tons of keyword research. These are the people who do search engine optimization and then the people who run Google search ads.
Now, if you are optimizing search engine optimization Services trying to find the most useful keywords, ideally you might want to look at the following aspects of a particular keyword.
Keyword Length
Now let's discuss how we can combine all of these aspects to find the most useful keywords.
The length of the keyword. You can roughly divide keywords into two types based on their length. They are:
Long and Short Tail Keywords
And, of course, we want to use long tail keywords. Long-tail keywords are keywords that consist of three more long-tail words. A great example is a keyword like “how to start a digital marketing agency in India” which contains more than three words.
You should choose long tail keywords because they are less competitive, which means you can rank for those keywords without too much effort. Long tail keywords usually have low search volume, which ultimately leads to low competition.
Ways to find long-tail keywords
You can find long tail keywords from several sources.
Long keyword ideas can be obtained from the questions people ask on various online platforms. The Facebook and WhatsApp groups related to your niche are a treasure trove of keyword ideas.
You can also delve deeper into sites like Quora and Reddit where people ask sincere questions.
Short tail keywords are more general, broader terms that can have multiple user intent - basically the opposite of long tail keywords. They bring a lot of traffic to your site, which can be beneficial in many ways, but the competition for these keywords is much higher than for long tail keywords. Even though a large number of hits may not lead to conversions, short keywords can bring a large share of your target market, and increased traffic can have a positive impact on your organic rankings.
Ways to find short keywords
In terms of volume, the shorter the keyword, the higher the search volume.
Given the high search volumes, it's no surprise that everyone is trying to rank for short keywords, the reward is high. Competition for short keywords is very high. Searches for one or two words. There is also the problem that your search is not "targeted".
Finally, short tail keywords that most people think of are low conversion rates. Let's say you have a term that is being searched for a lot. Even if you get 10,000 searches and 100 clicks, your conversion rate could be one or two customers.
While those one or two customers might be your bread and butter, the truth is that you might get more and less noise if you choose long tail keywords.
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trans-advice · 4 years
Note
Hey, thanks for the blog. Question: got any tips on dealing with transphobia in your family? I'm going to move out soon, and hopefully won't have to experience this again, but there are a few months left and I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
firstly: https://www.translifeline.org/hotline
please don't kill yourself. your problem is literally temporary, (a few months), yet death is permanent. you're so close to a new life, go live it!
also check out - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/trevor-support-center/ - https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/trans-gender-identity/
chosen family is family. you can rebuild your social supports & you don’t have to consider them your family. let's start with discussing how to look for affinity groups before we get into how to distance yourself from your transphobic family.
so here are some sites that can be helpful for meeting other lgbt+ people: - meetup.com - reddit.com - facebook groups - colleges, even community ones often compile nearby resources for lgbt+ people. - (if your under 25, here's this thing: TrevorSpace is a social networking site for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) youth under 25 and their friends and allies.) https://www.trevorspace.org/?utm_source=trevor_website&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=homepage_tabs (mod lake recommended the reddit, facebook groups, and trevorspace sites)
there are legal directives you can use for grave emergencies to prevent your transphobic family from bullying you in your times of need. - source video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVgumSUZQRI - https://www.joincake.com/gooddeath/ - http://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/resources/funeral-end-life-planning#6
i would lie low, try to avoid discussion with them as much as possible. try to communicate with friends, allies, acquaintances, etc. prep for your new life.
also look into welfare for your area & gender marker correction laws for your identity documents. try looking for some legal projects depending on where you live. https://transequality.org/issues/resources/trans-legal-services-network-directory
i would also start looking into what various resources you can get to help you out economically or whatever. idk where you live so i don’t want to get into that, (in USA you mainly go by your state & local govts) but like - healthcare (such as medicaid/aca/obamacare), - food (SNAP, WIC, food banks), - shelter (homeless shelters/section 8/overnight parking laws, such as at walmart), - phone (lifeline program/obamaphones), - energy subsidies if you move out, etc. - also look into low income programs for utilities like wifi, electricity, etc. a lot of programs require qualifying in other programs, but again, they can help. if you're going to college, then they too also often give directories of resources that help their students manage hardship as well as various affinity groups to help with networking, etc.
point being, by delving into these projects, it might help distract you & give you more autonomy.
as for gender marker corrections, idk where you live, or which governments issued your identity documents, but again, for the rules for usa jurisdictions can be found here: https://transequality.org/documents.
i want to be clear that the links here have been usa-centric. however, some of this advice might have equivalent resources where you are.
good luck, peace & love, eve
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mrs-evadne-cake · 4 years
Note
A user on Reddit claiming to have spoilers was saying that Joyce moves to Indianapolis implying that she rekindles things with Lonnie. Seeing what looks like Ross Partridge there adds fuel to the fire. Thoughts? If it’s true, I wonder what would be going through Joyce’s mind. Comfort in the familiar, maybe?
First, this would  be completely realistic for how the cycle of relationship violence often works. We’ve already seen that Lonnie is extremely manipulative and Joyce is yeah, going to be at an emotional low and in a potential position that would be extremely easy for someone like him to prey on. And we’ve seen that he’s adept at love bombing her to convince her that ‘he’s really changed this time’.  Comfort would be wholly likely yes, actual misplaced hope, hell, even just purely giving up on her self as someone that doesn’t deserve not to be treated the way Lonnie does since as far as she knows she’s ‘responsible’ for the death of the last two people who loved her. All could be extremely plausible reasons.
As much I’d like to say that her character arc  would move her past the point where she would ever go back to him it would be more wishful thinking than true.  There’s a myth that only ‘weak’ people go back to abusers- which is both dangerous to perpetuate (since it tends to lead to a logic loop of thinking that ‘Well, I went back to X and I’m not weak so I wasn’t really abused’ etc) and patently false. 
Second, omg I’d hate this so much. I feel like there’s a level of psychological realism that I appreciate and love to see addressed in like, fanfic, where you can really delve into motivation (I’d love to see more that examine the fact that Lonnie was at the very least emotionally -heavily implied to be physically- abusive to Jonathan while they were together, what sort of lingering feelings she has about that, and how that contributed to S1′s/S2′s Unstoppable Son-Protector Joyce Byers) but I honestly don’t think the show has the time or nuance to really do this plot line justice and make this anything but an incredibly horrific and deeply depressing thing for the viewers to watch happen.  People were upset about Hopper gaslighting and being an absolute jack-ass to Joyce all last season (myself not excluded) and how it was repeating Lonnie’s behavior- if this actually goes down…whoooo boy, prepare for a lot of discourse about the Duffers hating women. 
Thanks for the ask! It’s a super interesting one. 
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