Y'know, all I want this summer is to drink an iced coffee outside,

Talk about Halo with friends

Overly simp about the Master Chief together

and go home knowing there are more ideas to share with the world

and maybe eat a strawberry shortcake, if time permits.

tmi, sex mention, miscarriage and venting stuff below the read more

i'm fine i'm just Mad

the official Worst part about being into juliana/nemona at this point is how much i see people complaining that "they're teenagers!! you shouldn't write anything gross about them!!" and i'm just like.....

i have this fic in mind. it's been rolling around my brain nonstop since i started up my second playthrough in scarlet and it's a first kiss and first time messing around type story. i even said to myself when i very first thought of the fic, "my first kiss and my first time messing around both absolutely SUCKED and so it would be nice to write this for my younger self. living vicariously through them a scenario where my first kiss and first time messing around didn't fucking blow and leave me feeling disgusting."

bc yeah!! my first kiss fucking sucked!!! it rarely ever comes up, but when it does, i always lie and say my first kiss was my first boyfriend, john when i was 16. my kiss with john was straight out of a fucking fairy tale! outside our hotel under the starlit sky of crans montana switzerland as we watched a rainstorm roll in at an angle in the valley below us! wonderful! couldn't ask for better. people eat that shit up.

my actual first kiss was at 15 with this gross boy who from the day i met him i hated him. he came out of nowhere and was dating my best friend for like all of a week, but he set off this alarm in the back of my mind-- but i was so desperate for my first kiss bc i was the only one of my friends who hadn't at that point, and i was desperate to know what it was like and how "MaGiCaL" it would be. so even when the boy i had this intrinsic "stay away from me" started paying attention to me, i shoved all that aside just so i could finally kiss someone. he made me fucking touch his dick before kissing me and he hardly did anything for me and the kiss sucked and it all was just horrible, and to this day i just feel horrible for my younger self for walking us into that when we knew-- i knew you were trouble was my favorite taylor song when red first came out for a reason

my first time having sex was at 17 with a different guy, and that fucking sucked because i wasn't confident enough to say "what you're doing isn't working for me" or try to tell him how to actually get me off so i put up with sex that was so disappointing it got me over him (lmaO) BUT. and while, sure, i technically never took a pregnancy test bc i was petrified to buy one, i missed my period for a little over two months and then had the worst period of my fucking life-- i feel safe to say i miscarried. which, don't get me wrong, i am more than thankful it happened because being a parent that young would have absolutely ruined my life, and being tied to him in that way is the last thing i would ever want. i just still hate that my younger self went through all of that.

so i just want to live a little vicariously through some fictional characters a scenario where your first kiss and first time messing around(/sex in general bc i know it's a little dubious when you both have vaginas as to what is and isn't sex lmao) doesn't fucking blow because it's with someone you genuinely already love because they were your best friend first, and so you're not scared to talk and work with them, and I just.......

i genuinely don't think i'll be able to post such a fic. and because i don't think i can post it, i haven't even allowed myself to actually write anything because in the back of my mind i'm terrified that writing this fic will get me doxxed by some puritanical wack job who refuses to separate fiction from reality.

i don't want to have to preface my fic with this whole stupid ass justification just because the internet at large is letting purity culture worms eat their fucking brains.

i DO have a second AO3 account with no socials linked i could post it to, but that still makes me anxious. i'm not trying to have some freak try to doxx me and harm me in some way just because i wanted to write something for my younger self.