Online Shopping... or not.

So I think this is really important to share, for those who might not understand what it’s like to survive in a shitty area. I’m disabled. So this is what online shopping looks like when I’m snowed in, or if my vehicle is in the shop, or if I really just don’t have the energy to get out. We do not have public transit where I live, and taxis/ubers are unaffordable. I do not have someone in the community that can shop for me.

Some of these are things I currently need again, and some of these are things I buy frequently for survival. Honestly, I encourage you to reblog this to spread awareness. This is what it’s like in America now.

In stores, I buy GV pizza crust mix, for like $2. As you can see, it’s not even available in this list. But it’s $9 for Martha White (which sucks tbh. Always sticks,) and $12 + $10 for shipping, for betty crocker. That is OUTRAGEOUS. (I’m not looking for the GF so that’s like, out of the question in the first place.)

Disinfectants? Paper goods? Unavailable to ship. So I can’t clean my house, or dishes, but I also can’t buy disposable cups or plates. Go figure.

Easy carbs. As a person that’s frequently hypoglycemic, carbs are key to survival. Bread, bagels. They’re easy. Every last one is unavailable to ship.

So maybe I’ll try chips for carbs. That’s sustenance. Miserable sustenance, but susten- oh right. Unavailable to ship.

Other snacks. Let’s try other snacks. Hmmm… $17 for a jar of salsa I just paid $5 for in store. I think tf not. Beef stick? What’s that say? $155/lb? It’s almost $10 for that little bit. After other results, I’m kind of surprised it’s not $20 for a single stick.

Drinks. Let’s try drinks. Soda will give me sugar so I don’t die. But let’s see what’s actually available to ship. $18 for a 6 pack of sprite. $5 in store is pushing it, but $18?! You’re joking!

I have one bottle of water left. Hydration is important. It reduces the risk of blood clots, (and I have a blood clotting disorder,) and y’know, keeps me alive. But I can’t drink tap water. It makes me throw up. Same with certain brands of water. Poland Springs has been a pretty safe water for me to drink. Let me get some… or maybe not? Over $30 for a case of water? Guess I’ll dehydrate.

So let me get this straight; I can’t hydrate, I can’t get soda for sugar, I can’t get chips or snacks. I can’t even get bread to make pbj sandwiches. No bagels either. Or pizza crust mix, to even attempt to make my own bread or meal or anything. I can’t get dish soap to wash my dishes, but I can’t get paper plates or plastic cups. I can’t even get disinfectants to clean my house. Hell, I can’t even get tissues to blow my nose after crying from an extremely failed online shopping trip.

And Amazon isn’t any better when it comes to this.  

So what’s a guy to do when I’m snowed in? Or if I’m in too much pain to go shopping? Or if I have car troubles? We don’t have public transit in my area.

What am I supposed to do?! How is any of this okay?!

And you wanna know the worst part?

I was supposed to go shopping today, but I really just couldn’t function. I went out for dinner. It took me 4 hours to just manage to do that. My brakes felt a little off. A little clicky. It’s been really cold, and since this wasn’t consistent, I assumed it was just that. The cold. However, when I turned my car on after dinner, so I could go home, this is what I see. So I guess it’s a good thing I couldn’t manage to make myself drive 30 minutes from home for some groceries, but now I’m stuck without anything in the house.

So the reality of not having access to a vehicle is yet another issue I have to face. (ABS & ESC OFF lights, as well as speedometer temporarily not working) I don’t know what the problem is, if it’ll be covered, if I’ll be able to afford the repair, or how long it will take. @sydthetiel​ has a vet appointment on Tuesday. I couldn’t get shopping done. I need help taking the trash out. And now I may need to beg for a ride just to take my girl to the vet. I literally don’t have anything to drink, and I don’t have carbs, and I don’t know if my van is safe to drive.

2023 is off to a great start, huh? Now what?

i may have sucked as a ruler (i kin karkat as well so like. i know. it sucked i know dear cod) BUT HOWEVER i think all of you fellow homestuck guys would love to know that i am a lesbian and one time i infiltrated a random human's pool and laid in their pool for funsies and it actually messed up my hair for like a week because chlorine. bluh. but it was fun. did i mention i was a lesbian btw i liked girls

sincerely, the condesce/betty crocker/condy from homestuck ::::P

#🕸️🐠 (this is how the tag thing works right like you just put the tag you want? right? right? i checked its not taken btw. im so good at tumblr)

notable people from my seven months of working the graveyard shift

- the regular who came in every day before 5 am to buy at least two lottery tickets and two scratch tickets

   - on one occasion he came in while I was mopping the floor and he couldn't see me and i yelled "hi!" and he responded with "i wish I was"

- the surprisingly well dressed but still very exasperated man who came in at about three am asking for coffee creamer

- the 34 year old 5 foot tall woman who came in wearing hello kitty PJs at 4:45 in the morning and was incredulous that i asked her for ID when she asked to buy cigs

- the man with a smoker's voice who purchased four dollars worth of gas entirely with quarters

- the man who came in without a mask, ordered an extra large coffee, and when I started saying "because you're not wearing a mask i will have to dispense the beverage for you", he cut me off after "mask" and said "oh yeah I'm so sorry dude! i just had the most passionate kiss with someone..." while putting up a bandana. his credit card declined on $2.30 and he then ran away looking for cash. he never came back.

- the man with a heavy russian accent who was very upset that we didn't carry whole coffee beans

- the customer on skip the dishes that ordered five bottles of pepsi, a litre of milk and a bag of wine gums at 1 in the morning

- the person who left a mostly empty tub of Betty Crocker french vanilla frosting open and with a spoon on the counter

- the woman who came in at 1:30am asking to use the bathroom and when I told her no pubic access she said, verbatim, "I'm gonna take his head between my thighs, or what's left of them because I'm a skinny little chicken, and I'm gonna pop it off." no i don't know who "he" is

- the man who came in quite literally strutting at 4:30 am saying "cinnamon buns" over and over

- the kid who told me "have a good evening" at 5:30am

- the woman who asked me for cigs and rolled her eyes when I ID'd her, said "I'm 30 years old", and walked out. that's when I noticed that not only was she in her pyjamas, but she was also wearing slippers. like, in the house with a housecoat, bright pink and fuzzy kind of slippers

- the man who had to be at least in his 40s who was using what appeared to be a spiderman themed velcro clasped wallet

- the man who practically begged me to get the store to order more cinnamon buns

- the man who asked "where's your floss?" at 1:30am

- the absolute chaotic boys who asked me to sell them single cigs

- the Uber driver who told me "bless you and bless your family, you're doing a wonderful job"

- the person who ordered two packs of triple a batteries and nothing else at 1 in the morning

- the very spunky girl who came in at 2 in the morning asking if we sold caramels, and told me "it was a craving i got at 1am and i was like 'yeah let's make this!' and no. it didn't work. toxic sludge from hell." and left.

- the older woman who said "the luckiest married women become mothers, and the luckiest married men become motherfuckers."

- the boys who came in at 11pm and asked if we sold firecrackers

- the guy who straight up asked me if he could steal a taquito

- the people who made popcorn in our microwave at 2 in the morning

- the woman who told me to go masturbate after i ID'd her

- an entirely separate woman who came in wearing different hello kitty PJ pants, asked for cigs, and was incredulous when I ID'd her

- a man with an incredibly thick Irish accent who asked me why i was on the graveyard shift, and after saying "it's a pretty easy shift, especially as an introvert" he said "introversion doesn't exist" then as he was leaving he said, "you're adhd as fuck though, aren't you"

- the person who ordered two bottles of water and three packs of gum at two in the morning

- the woman who, as she was leaving, said "until next time, keep fit, and have fun."

- the man who came in at 4:30 am and told me he just had a really good date with a seagull

- the girl who asked me if her hair gave me a stoner vibe when it actively made me think of an anime girl

- the guy who was driving a bobcat

- the (definitely cis) guy who came in looking for oil and the like at about 4am. when he brought all his stuff to the counter he said, "this shit is getting too expensive" and i responded "this is why I don't drive," to which he said "well if it's got tits or tires it's gonna cause you trouble and it's gonna cost you a lot of money."

- the guy who came in, put two cans of red bull on the counter, then asked if we had twizzlers. upon hearing no, he said "forget it" and walked out without buying the red bulls.

- the man who, to pay for his items, pulled out a jar of coins that included pennies (I'm in Canada, where pennies have been discontinued for almost a decade)

- the man who came in and asked if any sex stores are in the area and open (it was 2 am). after telling him no he tried buying condoms, for which his card declined. he then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to hang out with him when my shift was over.

- the ridiculously drunk man who came in at three in the morning and when I said "hi!" he replied "good"

- the boys in their early twenties who came in at 3am and while waiting for me to grab the slurpee cup i overheard one of them say "look at how good his hair looks, i feel like i should be being fucked looking at it."

- the man who paid for a pack of cigs almost entirely in quarters

- *we'd started doing donations for covid relief in India* the man who after asking if there were sizes for the condoms, during the transaction i asked if he'd like to make a donation and he said "why would I donate to covid?" after his payment went through he said "would you?" and i said "donate to a covid relief fund?" and he said "yeah" and i was like "??? yes???"

- two people asked me if I said the donation was for chlamydia. the first guy said "if it's for chlamydia then I'm not donating" but the second guy said "i mean chlamydia sucks too, I'd donate either way"

- the three very drunk and very considerate girls who were all dressed as flappers

- the guy who asked for four tea bags for his 12oz cup and proceeded to make what I'm assuming was an attempt at a London fog

- the man who came in at about 3:40 after I'd already completed cash counts. he put a jug of chocolate milk on the counter and said "does it bother you that I'm buying this? like, can you keep it a secret just between us?" and i was like "i mean yeah sure" and then i noticed he was holding several rolls of dimes and i told him "i can't take cash right now as I've already completed the counts for shift change" and he was like "not even for gas?" and i was internally like "yeah duh" and then he goes "look man i can go without the gas but i have to have my chocolate milk" and i was like "there's nothing i can do" and then he said "do you drink chocolate milk?" and i said "not frequently, no" and he said "oh, not since you were six?" and i was like "I'm lactose intolerant" which shut him up for about three seconds before he said "you're really not gonna budge?" and then walked out

- the guy who asked for the bathroom and when I said there's no public access he said "what about friends, I've been here twice" and i said "unless you're staff you don't get to use it" and he said "i have a staph infection, does that count" and when my unimpressed look told him no he said "well i tried" and left

- the eighty year old man who was actively using a Bowser snap wallet

- the guy who had to change his tire directly in front of the store at two in the morning

- the guy who punched me in the face with a bottle of iced tea, causing me a concussion and ultimately causing me to quit my job

|Jin & Chocolate|M|

Pairing: Jin X Reader (Ft. A LIL Hoseok at the end)

About-You suck Jin off…and brownie batter may or may not be somewhat involved because why the fuck not. Oh, Hoseok comes over to drop off weed…and welll….doesn't exactly leave

Or- His assistants birthday is tomorrow and she’s insisted on him making his infamous “Dizzy Brownies” AKA…pot brownies and Jin being the perfectionist he is, scrapes the first batch. You however, think they’re fine and if he’s not gonna bake with said  batter you’ll find use for some of it…..Then Hosoek stops by to bring the missing ingredient…weed and his dick…

Warnings: Food play, Oral (M receiving), light face fucking, come swallowing, Dirty talk,hair pulling,pet names, light over stimulation, finger sucking, implied Voyeurism-ish (Jin planning to watch Hoseok fuck you on the couch ) MINOR degradation kink (He calls her a cock slut like…once)Light MXM…(just neck kisses and dirty talk but you’ve still been warned…)

No…idk why I wrote this but I’m not exactly mad about it either…

WC: 5.5k

Note: This is a stand alone one shot within my BTS Poly AU “7Deep” short summary: Your husband Namjoon and yourself run a successful Adult Film Entertainment Company called “Onyx” with your 5 best friends from college who you also happen to be in an open relationship with!

~~~~~~

“Alright, Yn to the resc-“ Everything, every.Damn. Thing, you were gonna say...straight up dies on your tongue once you take in the site in front of you. AKA Jin, standing in front of his boujee over-sized island, hair wet glasses perched on the nose. Matching silk pajamas yet the shirt’s open and the bottoms are sitting so damn low against his hips you almost thought he wasn’t even wearing any! Oh, and of course he wasn’t wearing underwear, why would he?!

Fucker.

Brow arched, in slight curiosity, a low hum ringing in the back of his throat, offensively oblivious as to why Yn.exe has stopped working. Still completely focused on the task at hand, reaching into the drawer to grab a fresh spoon to test the batter one last time. Not even offering a verbal response however the slight snarl that slipped off his lips said it all.

Jin clearly wasn’t impressed…hints why your here to begin with.

You still hadn’t moved though, leaning slightly against the back wall….Yet that doesn't stop him from making grabby hands at the grocery bags upon seeing them in your hands. Which of course prompts you to like….attempt to function again!

“I know we make porn and shit…” You pause a somewhat dramatic sigh leaving your lips as you drop the bags onto the counter and sway in his direction. “But what in the actual porn hub is this?! You got a little side hustle I need to know about? Is this for some kinky onlyfans cooking account???”

Honestly, it took Jin a minute to put two and two together, until his gaze followed yours. Ripping a loud cackle from his throat, ya know the one rivaling a windshield wipper. A slight smirk tugs on those sinfully thick lips of his as he reaches up to grip the back of your neck.

“Hi, pretty” Hushed against your lips as he pulled you into a kiss which did one of two things; confirmed there wasn’t shit wrong with these brownies and two...your still so whipped for this man it’s unreal.

Jin smiles into the kiss once he notices how you just completely melt against his lips, hands roaming up his stomach, lightly clawing over his skin which is still warm to the touch from his shower. Jin’s kisses are hard, always..even without him opening his mouth against yours he still manages to have you sucking in a deep breath through your nose to even keep up. He slips his hand into your back pocket and squeezes,his touch is light yet...possessive... you can feel Jin’s nails digging into the swell of your ass even through your jeans,

“Thank you, Instacart was like a two damn hour wait and I did not have time for that bullshit…” Forehead pressed against yours and he nuzzled your nose…”Plus, your way sexier than anybody they would have sent anyway...”  A wolfish grin playing on his lips as his thumb flicks at your bottom lip which you licked teasingly.

Jin being the little shit that he is pressed his thumb in even deeper, gaze dropping as he watches you suck the digit between your overly glossed lips. Triggering his to curl into a slight smirk as he slowly freed himself, dragging it down your bottom lip and over your chin...before he pulled away from you. Sliding his other hand free slowly, making sure his fingers trickle up your spine in the process. A stated hum ringing in the back of his chest before diving into the bag head first, or...that was the plan initially...

Until you turn away and Jin catches the way your hips sway in his peripheral and suddenly it’s like “Fuck these groceries” because well Seokjin’s a weak, weak man when it comes to you . So he gives your ass another playful squeeze stopping you from going too far.

Blunt nails dig into the swell of your ass yanking you back to place an open mouthed kiss at the hinge of your jaw. Until hes nosing up four face, kissing you open and breathless, sucking your tongue back into his mouth and fuck if your knees don’t buckle...

He chuckles light, pleased...“Love you princess”

God, he just makes you light headed every damn time...a low moan slipping from your lips before you lean back in searching for his lips again. The two of you get lost within seconds, completely immersed within each other, with his hands roaming all over your body. Yours tangled in his hair holding him in place, as you rock back into him, you can feel how hard he’s getting, how wet and needy your getting….

That is, until the self timer for the oven goes off reminding you why you're here to begin with! You pout and he smiles, placing a faint kiss along the tip of your nose before pulling away from you…

“Love you too old man…” You muse playfully while reluctantly turning away walking over to the fridge.

‘Call me old one more damn time and see if you ever get this dick again”

“Sounds like an excuse to me..” Eyes narrowing in his direction challengly “What? Can’t handle all of your baby’s anymore Jinnie? Worried you can’t get it up the way you use t-” Taking a painfully firm grip on your wrist, bringing it down to let you feel that he’s no longer starting to get hard hes rock fucking hard. Brow arched as if to say “And you were sayinggggggg???”

You nodded somewhat bashfully, I mean to be honest there was shit you could say at this point, clearing your throat “Alright well..points have been made…” Turning away before you could see the shit eating grin on his face. Only to be stopped by a strong hand on your jaw….

“And don’t ever come at me like that, I’ll be 50, and still handle all of your bratty asses with ease….just because I don’t need to be called daddy like Joon…” Leaning in even closer until he lips are ghosting over yours as he speaks “Doesn't mean I'm not very much aware as to who I am. I don’t need the title to hold the position princess….don’t get it twisted..” He holds your gaze, tilting his chin upwards as if he’s going to kiss you, eyes glued to your lips. But, in true Jin fashion the minute you lean in, he pulls away..looking far to calm and collected for your liking!

I think it’s safe to say...the entire building heard your knees buckle at that...the way you were suddenly squeezing your thighs together! Jin didn't even acknowledge it either, the fact that you were literally stuck. He just went back about his business… simply picking through groceries...

Welcoming yourself to the chilled bottle of Circo, and pouring yourself a glass before perching yourself on top of his counter. A fond smile playing on your lips as you observed him analyzing every little ingredient, as if you hadn’t done this before, as if you weren’t painfully aware of how anal he was. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes however that still didn't wipe the smile off your face.

“Baby knows what she's doing…” You muse playfully around your glass as you take a sip.

Cocking his head to the side, his smile mirroring yours, as he slides closer, leaning in for another lingering kiss. “Always has...” Stealing your glass, and instantly regretting it, clearly, he was a little too distracted to realize you weren't chasing your liquor.

“God” Shaking his head as if to say he’s disappointed “You’re a fucked up individual...” Face scrunched in pain as the vodka burns its way down his throat, a string of curses rolls off his tongue before he continues with his initial task. “You need prayer..”

“Listen, nobody asked you to-” Your phone buzzed in your purse and Jin’s followed, so he knew it had to be work-related, not even bothering to take  a look he knows you'll fill him in. Glancing down to see a calendar invite from your left and right hand aka Taehyung.

“It’s Tae, we're closing early tomorrow by the way…” Eyes slowly drifting to a string of emails that already had your blood boiling so you opted to slide your phone right back into your Chanel. “Kellie wants to go to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory, so we’re taking a late lunch'' More like you wanted to allow your staff to drink and do as they please after so you opted to just scrape the end of the day.

Jin didn't even bother to respond, honestly, he probably wasn’t even listening. All he cared about right now was fixing these damn gourmet layered pot brownies for Kellie!

Jin was not one of those buy a box of Betty Crocker type guys...he was a go find me this random-ass authentic CoCo from Mexico, along with the purest sugar cane and a damn olive tree while you’re at it! Though, no matter how anal he was about baking, or cooking in general you always loved watching him work, he’s always loved it! Even when you guys were broke he’d find a way to spice up the simplest thing and make it look gourmet quality! You’ve asked him numerous times if he’d wanna venture into the restaurant business Namjoon and yourself have even offered to act as the “Bank” so to speak. But apparently it’s just something he does for fun, something that relaxes him, not something he'd wanna do as a career no matter how much he loves it.

“I don’t even know what actually happened honestly…” A deep sigh leaves his chest as he strategically places the remaining ingredients on the counter “It’s too runny this time around and the CoCo is too potient….”You can hear the frustration within his voice at this point.

“Jin” Pausing to massage his scalp which he leans into instantly “I’m sure it’s actually more than fine, honestly your probably just be-” Before you could even finish your thought, two fingers being shoved between your lips..knuckle deep. Correction, two fingers coated in brownie batter...batter that was fucking delicious by the way…

Which we already knew but we also know we can’t tell Jin shit soooo....

Eyes completely wide initially, until the flavor coats your tongue and you actually moaned around his fingers..not even for dramatics just because it was good. Jin’s watching you intently, almost as if he really didn't intend for this to become sexual but now that it has...he ain’t mad about it.So...you relax your jaw, swirling your tongue around his fingers suggestively same way you would if it was his cock and you feel him hum, a slight twitch playing on his lips.

“I take it you don’t believe I need to remake the batch then?” Bow quicked teasingly as he slowly slides his fingers from your mouth…

“Nope” The words leave your lips with a pop as you recline back a little, bracing your weight on your forearms. You shamelessly let your eyes roam down his body, licking your lips as a oh so innocent idea slips into your mind.

‘Actually…” Swirling your finger in the batter, flicking at his bottom lip, ya know he had the nerve to smile at you before his tongue rolled out of his mouth? Curling it around the pad of your index finger, and your breath hitches in the back of your throat at how meticulously his tongue movement is. Sliding the digit deeper into his mouth, gaze hark and heavy, “I- I think I need to taste it again before I can give you an accurate review, maybe…” Sliding your finger free, trickling it down his chest and over his nipple, coaxing a low groan from his throat. “ Taste it from a different surface.” You physically see Jin’s dick twitch a that, it’s actually forming a tent beneath the silk of his pajama bottoms.

“Mmm yeah? Well…” Jin scoots as close to you as he can get, wrapping your legs around his waist in the process. His gaze is fuckin dangerous, peering down at you from beneath his Celine’s, heat pooling in the pit of your stomach within seconds!

“..Considering it was going to just go in the trash anyway…” He dips his finger into the batter one more time, only to smear it over your bottom lip before leaning in...slowly swiping his tongue over the surface before sucking it into his mouth with a moan that starts on his tongue and ends on yours.  “Why don’t you get yourself another taste then…” He murmurs low, and breathy against your lips, the strong smell of chocolate fling your nose, nothing subtle about the way your eyes drop to watch the way his tongue swipes along his lips.

At that point you just grip his jaw and kiss him, hot and messy, leaving nothing up for speculation at this point, Fuck Kellies brownies!

He leans forward bracing both of his arms on either side of your frame, sighing into the kiss as content as can be. Tilting your head to deepen it, as you drag your fingers through his slightly damp locks. Your lips are both sweet and sticky which makes them melt together even easier,Jin’s tongue moves inside your mouth with such ease! I mean fuck,  it’s been almost 8 years now so I guess you shouldn’t be surprised. He works your mouth open wider so his tongue can get deeper, the sweet slow glide, hot and heady, the faint leftover taste of chocolate has your toes curling against the sole of your heels.

“You’re so fuckin hard” You whine around his tongue and he smiles around yours, reaching between him to palm at his own length.

“Mmmhmm..” Breath hitching in his throat once he tightens his grip around his tip. “For you….” Jins eyes fluttering open, mouth falling ajar into a silent moan as your palm meets his….guiding his movement.

“I really wanna suck you off…” Slurs against his lips, swatting his hand away completely, wrapping your hand around the base and squeezing. The silk from his pants was far too delicate to really create any type of barrier. Ripping a deep moan from his throat as you stroke him. Jin’s physically throbbing in your palm as we speak, and as if on instinct you feel yourself clamp down around absolutely fucking nothing. But there’s no denying that your body’s reacting simultaneously to his...even if he’s not physically inside you...yet.

“I thought, you wanted more chocolate?” Jin smiles against your lips before dragging them down your jaw, over your throat, licking a trail towards your shoulders. A string of breathy moans leave your tongue the harder he starts to suck against your skin, you can feel his eyes on you too. He has you feeling like your body’s burning from the inside out! Jin’s always been one for eye contact, as if he doesn't wanna miss a single second of how you react to him, gaze dark and hooded. Those big brown eyes of his completely blown out...looking like he’s ready to fucking ruin you and you can’t find it in yourself to even considering looking away.

‘Fuck” Whispers off your lips as he bites into your neck “I do, fuck I do, let me down!” swatting at his shoulders aimlessly until he does what you say and within seconds you have him pushed against the glass refrigerator.

An amused smile tugging on his lips as he takes in how blatantly fucked out you already look. Adding fuel to the flame Jin actually slides his own hand into his pants, thumbing over the head as he strokes himself at an agonizingly slow pace. Eyes trained on yours the entire time though they’re barely open. You watch his muscles contract every time he adjusts his grip, and as much as you wanna join in you can’t find it in you to move!

“Babyyyy” Hisses off his lips like he’s begging and demanding all at the same damn time! Within seconds you're caging his body against the doors, tilting your chin up to capture his lips again. The taste of chocolate is still strong along his tongue, as he kisses you full and messy. You pull his hand away and if the growl that rolled off his tongue was any indication to his he felt about it….

There's not much room between the fridge and the island so the bowl is at arm's length, not to mention he was making enough browns to feed 20+ people so it’s not like the bowls microscopic. Without breaking the kiss you manage to reach back, swiping your fingers through the batter. You feel every muscle in his stomach tense beneath the pads of your fingers as you paint a languid trail all the way to his waist.

“Oh” Jin asks a mischievous grin moving up his face as he snakes his hand around, a strong hands pulls you even closer. God, so fuckin solid, chest firm and defined...letting his other hand grip your hair right at the roots. Tugging it back until your moaning into his mouth “That how you wanna play?” Lips ghosting along the hinge of your jaw..blowing against your skin slightly until you shivered.

You grin up at him, eyes heavy….”Depends...you gonna let me play the way I want?” Tongue toying with the corner of your mouth as you await his response which he doesn't even verbally give. Just simply raising his brow which shouldn’t be as fucking sexy as it was, reaching behind you, moving the bowl to the counter to his right so you don't have to reach around to grab it.

Keeping his eyes trained on your as he slides his shirt off his body, letting it fall where it may, pulling his pants down mid-thigh, cock thick, long, and slightly curved as it bounced against his stomach. Precome just oozing off the tip and down his shaft….which looked painfully hard the tip a dark shade of pink...

“You can play with me however you want princess”  Reaching up to nuzzle his fingers into your scalp again, this grip isn’t as aggressive as the last...a little more..intimate. You can feel his thumb padding against your scalp, fuck he’s always so calm..collected. I don’t know why but whenever the two of you have sex solo  it’s like this...it’s always a reminder than he is in fact the eldest...and back in your college days the most experienced. Though he wasn’t. one to brag about his skills he was just one to show up, show out and leave…

There’s a low chuckle that rings in the back of his throat and it trails right down your spine...

“You just fuckin ache for it don’t you? Those pretty lips of yours miss having my cock in your mouth?” Rolling his hips into yours with a moan “It’s not just about me is it? You love this don’t you princess?” You nod dumbly, god why is he so damn distracting your suppose to be in control, fuck! “I’m all yours, right here for you to do whatever you want…”

Regardless of how hard your shaking you find it in you to actually attempt to function. Swiping your fingers back into the bowl you extend your trail, starting at his neck, over his collarbones...down his chest….then connecting the lines to his sternum.

Ducking down to trace over the trail with your tongue and lips, alternating between kissing, licking, sucking your way down his body. Jin’s moaning out low and breathy, the grip on your hair tightens, eyes flickering up to admire the wet trail your leaving behind in the process. To be honest your far too impatient to draw this out the way you’d really like so before Jin even has time to process what's happening you drop to your knees.

‘Fuck” Groans from his chest, abdomen tightening from the site of you on your knees alone, back positioned in the perfect arch as you lean forward. Eyes trained on yours as you lay your tongue flat against his stomach. You don't even move either, lashes fluttering up at him far too innocently and Jin just smiles at you, already aware as to what you're “asking” for!

“Mmm, you got me all messy princess…” Grabbing the back of your head to guide you as you lick and kiss the rest of the way down. “Good girl, baby, fuck “ Jin’s voice gets a little higher, the more you roll your tongue against his skin. Sucking an array of bruises, along the way, as if to accentuate the point that he is in fact “yours”! Gazing up at him like you want to absolutely wreck him because well...you do. And well he told you, you could do whatever you want soooooo.

However once you get to his cock you stop, and just stare up at him again, eyes wide, and almost innocent, which has Jin all the way fucked up right now and you notice...lashes fluttering up in his direction.

“What do you want princess?” Jin brushes back your hair, as you nuzzle your nose into his inner thigh, nipping slightly until he’s slouching into the fridge for support. Head lolling back as you cup his balls, lifting them so you can kiss each before sucking one into your mouth. It’s clear you're not going near his dick until he puts you there but to be honest he’s not complaining! Your tongue takes long slow strokes, up, down, around, before sucking each back into your mouth. It's obscenely loud, and messy, lips and chin coated in spit. Sending shudders coursing through his entire body, fuck he’s so damn hard.

“Baby…” He breathes out almost in awe, as he guides your head upwards, leaning over and dipping two fingers back into the bowl “I think you forgot about your chocolate...Open, your mouth for me, pretty…”

You do because of course you do “Tongue out” Letting it roll past your lips in a way that has him smirking at you as he places the digits along or tongue ‘Suck” Dragging the pads of his fingers along your tongue, as you moan out around them…Purposely hitting the back of your throat making you gag slightly. ”O...pen…” The words rolled off his tongue painfully slow, almost as slow as he drug his fingers away...

Dipping his fingers in the bowl one last time, painting a trail from base to tip, sighing out at the initial contact from how sensitive he’s getting. Smearing his precum around in the process before sliding his fingers back into your mouth to lick off the excess. “There...now I think we've handled your first craving, why don't you wrap those pretty little lips around my cock so we can do something about the other” It wasn’t really a question, he did not phrase it as a question…

So, you let his fingers slide free, leaning forward to wrap your lips around his tip. Eyes open and focused on the beautiful man above you...you take a deep breath, relax your throat, and take him all the way home. Not stopping until your lips are hoovering as close as you can get to the base of his cock, nose flush against his groin and Jin about screams. He was not at all ready for that.

“Goddammit Y/n!” He almost sounds aggravated, jaw tight, nostrils flared as he yanks your head back so only the tips in your mouth, and the way your suctioning your lips around his tip has him hissing through clenched teeth.

“Stop, I wanna take it.....I can take it, let me have what I want…” God your pouting and whining and he feels as though he could come right now! Jin reaches down and cradles your jaw, making you lean into the contact. Jin has always been a little...gentler  with you unless you ask, I mean he calls you princess for a reason, and don’t get me wrong it’s not like I’m saying he keeps things sweet and vanilla! It’s just you have to tell him to go hard or he won’t just do it…he’ll make you want to get your throat fucked but won’t unless you ask. He’s the type to fuck you slow and deep with his hand around your neck while you make love but also whisper the nastiest things in your ear that you could make you come alone.

“Fuck” He sighs defeated, instinctively wanting to buck up into your mouth “I know you can, and if you want me to hold you down and make you take it then…” You feel his hand shift and his grip tighten...guiding you back down… “Relax your throat for me princess…” Your eyes meet him directly as you do, and he guides you down his shaft slowly..he can hear you sniffle in a breath through your nose and he keeps pushing until he hits the back of your throat only this time he's prepared for it.

Jin gasps eyes slightly unfocused , jaw tense “That’s it baby fuck…god you look soo good right now..” His chest is tight but he's still not stopping, not until your throat is completely full and your lips meet skin. Once he’s finally fully logded in your throat you both gasp...Jin's eyes hit the back of his head, which he slams against the fridge in the process…

“Oh my god babyyyyy” He whines and he pulls your head back but you keep your lips tight and pert the entire way up. Hissing at the steady stimulation, however once you reach the tip and start to make your way back down again with such fineness he knows your ready to take more.

Jin is a little hesitant initially when he starts lifting his hips, sliding into your mouth. Your eyes flutter close as you take in a deep slow breath through your nose, humming out as he starts to pick up his pace.

“Oh fuck yesss…” Hand tightening in your hair, Jin can feel the shift now, feel the moment his cock pushes its way through your throat, warm, tight...but relaxed. Its clear it’s not your first rodeo...you gag a little but your not straining...it’s not a “job” for you…you want this and that turns him on to no end. The way your moaning around his cock as you bob your head up and down has his length twitching along your tongue!

You can tell he’s still going a little slow, probably because he doesn't wanna hurt you! So,you lean up on your knees a little, and decide to take what you want, digging your nails into his thighs starting to push back against him. He tries to stop you from moving so you dig your nails into him even deeper, eyes fluttering open only to roll them to the back of your head more times that either of you can count and he can’t help but choke out a moan around a stifled laugh!  

“Okay, pretty, okay…I got you...I’ll give you what you want” You can feel his legs shake biting his bottom lip, as he starts to roll his hips deeper, harder, finding a smooth steady rhythm. One where his cock smacks the back of your throat every damn time just how you like it! “Shit” He breathes out in a shaky breath almost as if he's amazed at how good your doing…

“Fuck, such a good mouth baby, fuckin made to have your jaw fucked open…”

You look down right sinful, back arched, lips glossy with spit and precum and just fuck, fuck!

“Your not gonna last” You muse playfully as you pull back with an obnoxiously obscene noise, lips twitching into a smirk as Jin damn near growls!

“Fuck yo-“

“I’m not complaining….” leaning forward to place an array of open mouthed kisses along his shaft until he’s hissing through his teeth. “...Buttt...your so fuckin hard already baby I can feel you twitching beneath my-“

“Put, your mouth back on my cock before I fuck your damn jaw wide open!” He’s panting way to hard for it to be demanding though Jin’s not your stereotypical dom anyway...his tones never truly demeaning yet...you know he’s not asking....Gripping your hair even tighter, yanking your head actually.  You lean up for a minute, sucking one of his balls into your mouth almost teasingly and Jin slouches into the door…

“Please, fuck I’ve been begging for” Your whining purposely lips and tongue leaving a messy spit covered trail behind. An exaggerated moan vibrating against his skin

“Your getting yourself all messy baby” Cutting you off as if you weren’t even speaking! Whipping your chin as he yanked your head back, guiding you back where he wants you, since you wanna fuck around!  “Your mouth must not be full enough yet” Tongue trailing along his bottom lip and with that, he’s fully lodgeding his cock back into your throat making you gag in the process.

“Yeah, yeah that sounds a lot better, look sooo fuckin good with your mouth full” Leaning over to squeeze your ass, hissing through clenched teeth as his hips grow quicker , stronger, bolder, and your taking it like a damn champ too!

Heats spread throughout every inch of Jin’s body, his chest is flushed and he looks so damn good, there's sweat gathering along his temples, the hand holding your hair is actually twitching. He pulls your hair even tighter this time making you moan and gag slightly. Before he even bothers to apologize he watches your eyes flutter up to meet him and even with a mount full of cock he knows that's a smirk on your lips.

“Your pussys just fucking soaked isint it? My baby’s just throbbing, every time I…” Suddenly he’s slowing your pace down, it;s almost..sensual now, how slowly hes rocking you gains his cock “You can feel this can’t you? Everytime…” Guiding your head up and down repeatedly only this time it’s slower,your strides are longer and the way he’s looking at you right now….fuck!

“Everytime my cock hits the back of your throat, your pussy gets so fuckin tight,and wet, you just love getting your throat fucked don't you, pretty?” You make a gargled sound that Jin knows is a “yes” and he smiles..lazy stated and blissed the fuck out… “Love a nice, big , hard cock, down your throat….Mmm,my pretty little cock slut yeah?”

You don't even try to respond, you just inhale sharply and start bobbing your head even harder encouraging him to give you what you want and he does. He fucking dose…he’s done holding back, so he grabs your hair as tight as possible, so much so not only dose your scalp burn but your entire body burns! He starts fucking into your throat, hard and fast...he knows how much you love this...he knows your fucking use to it ...his princess knows how to handle him...with ease…

“Your fuckin amazing baby, your taking me so good, so fucking deep...fuckkkkk”

Jin can’t help himself, from grunting , moaning, whining, swearing in both English and Korean! Which was without a doubt one of the sexiest things ever because his voice always got deeper. He’s so close..your taking him so well too.

“I’m fuckin close pretty...so fuckin close” He chokes out around a whine mid thrust, eyes heavy..bottom lip edged between his teeth...and you suck even harder..eyes fluttering up at him.

He keeps fucking into your mouth, deep and smooth, brining his hips flush to your face every time....

‘Fuckkk, your gonna swallow for me baby? Take it all like the good little sl-” Your hand suddenly comes up to squeeze his balls and he’s fucing done it catches him off guard too! Fingers spazzing in your hair, as your throat closes around him. He whines as his hips kick forward into your mouth, you press hard into his thigh keeping him in place. Swallowtail around him and Jin practically cokes on his own tongue. You don’t pull of right away either, moaning low, the slight vibrations making him hiss from over stimulation..

Jin came hard down your throat, the perfect mix of salty, sweet...the light hint of chocolate still lingering on your tongue….His knees almost buckle but he catches himself. Leaning forward, bracing both arms against the marble island, eyes still closed as you watch his muscles contract painfully hard and you can’t help but smile around him as his length starts to go soft along your tongue.

“Fuck” His voice breaks before he can even finish and yeah, yeah your proud, tipping forward on the balls of his feet, glasses almost slipping off his nose in the process!

You humm out, contently sending little bolts through his body, making him moan, and twitch above you yet he doesn't pry your lips away. Hands gently massaging his sides as those big brown eyes flutter open to meet you, heavy, glazed, unfocused...gently he pulls your lips away from his cock, and braces his arms on your sides lifting you off the ground with such ease no matter how spent he is and instantly your legs wrap around his waist.

Lips swollen, cheeks and chin slightly wet as he leans his forehead against yours…Panting out hard against your mouth, you can feel how erratic his heart is hammering against your own.

“So what do you think?” He whispers, a tired smirk playing on his lips “Still don’t think I need to remake it?”

You can’t even help but cackle, god you love this man, and you knew your voice is fucked so you just lean in, and he closes he gap instantly. Kissing you deep, slow, loving, tasting himself all over your tongue, kissing you until your huffing out a pained breath through your nose because you feel as though you can’t even breathe. Tugging impatiently at the hem of your tank top, and next thing you know your squeezing your legs around his waist and raising your hands so he can slide it off. This, always this..the skin on skin, how warm he feels….essentially chest to chest minus the thin lace from your bra, but it feels good..feels like home. Gently running his hands all over the planes of your back, ghosting his nails against your skin making sure to leave a trail of goosebumps behind in the process.

Your warm and almost pliant under his palm, moaning out contently as he continues kissing you, like he has all the time in the world like he doesn't have a shit ton of brownies to make. Which, I guess in theory is very minute in comparison to what’s going on right now but as we’ve established Jin is very anal! Sliding his hand up to grab your ass and you whimper slightly so he does it again, harder this time….

Your so caught up by the languid slide of Jin’s tongue that you haven't even realized your moving….clearly headed towards his bedroom as he walks the two of you out of the kitchen!

Pressing tour back against the brick beam in the center of his living room, leaning down to place a wet open mouthed kiss on the side column of your neck. “What do you want me to do you?” He breathes into your skin low and husky nipping at the vein rearing and you can't help but exhale a shaky breath, clawing your nails up his back until he's the one moaning against your skin.

“Whatever the fuck you want-” Just, as Jin’s about to turn the corner he hears his front door unlock…..

“Sorry, my zoom meeting ran long, I swear I’m going to kill that new British investor…” Hoseok comes in like a bat straight out of hell as per usual, far too caught up in a million things to initially realize what he’s walked in on!

“... Then Don wasn't answering, and it was getting late. so I just ended up going to the dispo, and I-” Eyes fluttering over to finally met yours and it’s spine chilling how quickly his gaze darkens! Honestly, you weren’t even aware he was supposed to be coming over to be honest, but fuck yeah 2Seok FTW! A shit eating grin plastered on his face that quickly turns into a toe curling smirk as he licks his lips and kicks his shoes off. Placing the bag from the discrepancy and his jacket on the couch before studying forward. God he looks like such a fuckboy right now but your live for it because he fits the aesthetic without the toxic traits. Perfectly tanned skin, a backwards snapback, vneck, skin tight jeans with an offensive amount of rips in them and chunky Gucci sneakers…  

“Fuck, and here my dumb ass was thinking when you said you were bringing Jin groceries...you actually meant something he could literally eat…” Hoseok’s eyes meet Jin’s briefly and there's something you can’t quite catch lingering within his gaze! “What the fuck did I miss?” Purrs off his tongue,as he tangles his fingers in your hair, yanking your head back, completely missing the way his eyes lock with Jin as he leans in kissing you! It’s hard, wet, and messy,but he’s not lacking skill that's for damn sure. Instantly groaning against your tongue once he gets a taste of what you’ve really been doing, you can’t help; but sigh as you tilt your neck back, allowing him to deepen the kiss. While he kisses you he holds tight onto Jin’ s waist, eyes fluttering back open briefly as he digs his nails into his sides!

“Such a fuckin tease” Husks off the elders lips though your far to consumed to even notice. Leaning forward sinking his teeth right into Hoseok pressure point. Not letting up until his knees damn near buckle yet he doesn't pull away. He just kisses you harder, and digs his nails even deeper into Jin’s skin…with a deep groan.

“Baby…”Jin breathes against his neck, painting his tongue up the side in the process, both of you hum as you don;t know who he’s referring too, and he smiles against Hosoek’s skin “Seok…”

Well that answers that “I want you….” Kissing his way over to Hoseok’s ear, tugging the tinny gold hoop between his teeth “...to lay princess on the couch... and fuck her until she can’t even see straight…” It should actually be illegal now nonchalant this man just said that!

You both moan at that, pulling away just enough to breath, forehead flush against his...your eyes mirror his, stupidly fucked out and needy as he leans forward and sucks your bottom lip into your mouth…

‘Think you can do that for me?” Jin still hasn't stopped pressing open mouth kisses to Hosoek’s neck who's completely consumed by how needy you sound…The way your clearly grinding against Jin for stimulation right now because your so turned on.

A smirk playing on those heart shaped lips of his… ”That what you want baby? You wanna put on a little show with me? What me to fuck you while Jin watches...fuck you so good that he can’t even focus…”Not even bothering to phrase it as a question because he aleady knew what you wanted!

Tongue teasing at your bottom lip “Untill, all he can hear is you begging me to stop because you can’t take it anymore?” Hoseok is basically moaning all this into your mouth, as his hands shift beneath you, Jin passes you off like you weigh negative two pounds…and you instantly lace your arms around his neck.

‘Fuck, please” You exhale shakily lips flush against Hosoek’s neck as you feel Jin press himself behind you so your sandwiched in..you watch Jin snake his hand up Hoseoks back, gripping him by the nape of the neck forcing him to make eye contact.

“Think you can be good for her while I finish this?” Eyes flickering to the kitchen though his tone is clearly taunting, so is he smirk playing on the elders lips…it’s now blatantly obvious you’ve missed something. There’s tension between the pair, nothing serious ...but there’s tension ...

“Of course, I know I can be more than just good hyung” There's clearly so much condensation dripping off that honorific it’s unreal…for one...they barley even use honorifics to begin with so clearly something was up....slyly letting his fingers ghost up Jin’s stomach, before clawing his way down.

Jin cocks his head to the side raising a brow, the grip he holds on the younger hair tightens “I will fucking rui-“

“Seokkkk, Jin!!!” You whine impatiently nipping at his neck...whatever his is...you cold careless blue clit is a thing...a very real one for you right now!

“Alright, New rules” 

Lordt!

“Hoseok’s gonna make you come as many times as you want….” Leaning in to kiss the impatient pout off your lips before turning his attention to Hoseok “ And you…” Yanking his head back a little “Don't get to come until we say Soo…”

“We?” The quirk in his bow accompanied by the crass in his tone proved he was far from amused..Yoongi would be proud...

“Mmmhmm, you said you were putting on a show right?” Walking past the two of you to grab his Tripod out the closet and you already know what that means…

Little secret...back in your college days Hosoek and yourself dabbled in a few cam sites together for extra money...So your far from shy when it comes to putting on a little show in front of a camera...especially in front of your boys....

THAT’S ALLLL SHE WROTE... FOR NOW...SHOW THIS SOME LOVE IF YOU ENJOYED/COME YELL AT ME!

Also dose anybody want me to continue this? I did not expect it to end like his but I ain’t mad about it. Also wtf do you think Hoseok did to Jin?

MASTERLIST for this AU linked below..also as I noted in the sneak peek this is not Jin’s “intro” chapter that’s why outside of the fact that he’s always loved to cook I didn’t tell you much about his “character”. However I have finally mapped out both his and Hoseok’s and I will add those summaries to the mastrlist soon...

7 DEEP

Got Bored and Decided to Transcript My Roomate Reviewing Homestuck Characters

Tw// Strong Language

My Roommate

Me

John:

Ugly

*giggle*

Rose:

Stuck Up

*still laughing* No like what you THINK about them

....Stuck Up

okay

Dave:

He looks like he shat himself and trying to play it off. He bullies other kids for clout

Jade:

And, look like she really needs dick in her life. Nerd Ass

Karkat:

Are these just the transp- uh, are these different people?

*burst into laughter*

*laughing as well* what?, what

These are different type of like species

Alright. For him...ugly

Just ugly?

Terezi:

He (yes she assumed terezi was a guy) looks like he tried to be a rockstar but can’t pull it off because his teeth is just giving him too much Emo vibes. So he just “I have to be a hardcore Emo bruh, uhh, but I don’t have hands so I can’t go uhhh” you know what I mean?

You noticed their signs?

Yeah I noticed their signs, Libra

Libra, ass

Gamzee:

He’s trying too hard. Look at you, you trying to be kiss? You ain’t gonna make it honey, with your long horn ass- you’re horny aren’t you?

*squeeking in laughter at this point*

Kanaya:

Clout

Clout?

Seeker

Vriska:

Oh, I like this one. You look like you got into a little Tussle Tussle. I DON’T appreciate how your horns are asymmetric but it’s okay you can be cool or whatever, Ms. Scorp- oh I don’t like Scorpios fuck you never mind. Where the Leo?

Aradia:

I do like her horns tho. What’s that Aries?

Yeah

Aries are bitches too. My mom’s an Aries but it’s chill. I do like your tattered skirt, looks like you’re ready?

*wheezing* ready for what?

*In the tone of a drag queen* You know what she’s ready for. Got some demon dick in you guurrrrl.

Got the little sizzle with the snake tongue

Nepeta:

Here’s the Leo

Why you gotta be a furry tho?

What’s with the tail? I’m not mad at it, you’re kinda cute. You look like you need some sleep tho with them bags under your eyes but you cute tho, you cute.

Equius:

*immediatly after the last cute* the fuck are you?

Oh, you know, okay so it’s missing teeth right? It look like a panda snout, to me. It looked like a panda snout for a second. Also who you fighting? Who you fightin with your missing teeth. You mad son because you [???] your horn breaking off. But you know what you got the new crocs so that’s good.

The new crocs. He’s very into body building and stuff AND horses. But...

*one of us swallows a laugh*

No tea, no shade

*wheezing in tears* my gosh

Tavros:

I feel sorry for you

You know who put him in a wheelchair?

Who?

Scorpio

I BET A BITCH DID.

*scrolls back up* her

I told you she got into a tussle

*my nose starting running from laughing and now I’m snorting* she threw him off a cLIFf

That’s how scorpios be tho. That’s how scorpios be.

I finnaly breathe and stopped laughing continusesly.

Eridan:

Is that a-? Okay, that’s his hair. Mmmm horny mmmm. I mean you, Aquarius, fishy flashy. I see your little fin gill gills. I see em. You ain’t cute and that colour/collar(?) combination is a little dull and basic so.

Feferi:

You Coachella

Coachella~

Looking ass. You got glasses on? Are those glasses? You need to chill

No, those are swim goggles.

Coachella. In the fucking ocean looking ass. NEXT

Soullux:

Gemini is my moon. I fuck with the glasses, everything in 4-D. 3-D. 4-D technically. But the shoes tho. I mean you really supporting that yin yang double sided face.

He’s like half and half color blind. That’s why the glasses are like that.

Is that why you can’t- Well you can put on the same type of shoes nigga you don’t have to be [stammers]- Is that a SOCK? It look like a sock, for real for real because it ain’t got no base like the other shoe do. So, I mean that’s chill but even if you’re color blind you can put another shoe on. You ain’t got no excuse so.

Jake:

Ugly

Roxy:

Preppy. She looks like she suck dick under a fucking staircase.

She’s an alcoholic

Mm........WOW! So UNEXPECTED

Dirk:

First of all, hat shirt stupid.

Second of all, why you look like you go into your parents basement and play the drums real loud at like 2 am in the morning, just to “be...” you know what I mean. I don’t know what the word for it but

That’s basically his character

Told you

He’s also really into puppets with like dick nose

Dic-wha? You Gay?

Yeah, he is.

I can tell. That fucking hat shirt really sets it off

Jane:

I ain’t got nothing to say. The reason i got nothing to say to this bitch is because that’s the point of her character. In my eyes it looks like you DONT say nothing to that bitch.

That’s Betty Crocker...like the person who made the uh [forgets all Betty Crocker accomplishments] utensils. Cooking utensils? That’s Betty Crocker. Basically. She BASICALLY turns into Betty Crocker.

So as I said. Nobody paid attention to you so you HAD to do Something to get their attention. Obviously making some utensils was the thing for you.

*dying in laughter again* oh my god

Spoon and fork bitch. I get it, everybody has to eat you know.

The 4th Annual Losers’ Club Christmakkah Celebration 2/2

Summary: The Losers gather for their fourth annual Christmakkah celebration, and this time Richie and Eddie get a Christmakkah surprise.

Word Count: 3240-ish for part 2. (LOL each story got progressively longer)

Warnings: Usual Trashmouth swearing.

Author’s Note: Post-Chapter 2. All of the Losers are alive in this fic, including Stan, because canon can suck it. Final part in the series, unless I get some other ideas. Part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here, beginning of 4th part here.

CROSS-POSTED AT AO3.

The next three weeks flew by and before Richie knew it, the day before Christmakkah had arrived.

Earlier that day he and Eddie had finished setting up the baby's room, hung the stockings they had monogrammed with each of the Losers & Jr. Losers' names on the fireplace, and pre-made a broccoli-rice casserole and 4 different kinds of pie.

He, Bill, Stan, Patty, Bev, Ben, and Mike were all sitting in the living room, watching Olivia and Burke play with some toy cars when the doorbell rang.

"That must be Bill & Audra," Richie said. "I'll get it."

He walked over to the door and opened it. "Hey guys," he greeted Bill and Audra before scooping Max up in a hug. "Max-a-million, how are you, little dude?" 

Max squished Richie's cheeks together with his tiny hands. "Fishy!"

Richie immediately sucked his cheeks in to make fish faces at Max, who giggled.

"Come on in," Richie said before calling out towards the kitchen, "babe, Bill and Audra are here!"

"Coming!" Eddie replied. "Just gotta get these pies out of the oven!"

"Eds insisted on making the pies himself," Richie explained. "No store-bought pies for him."

"You don't know what kind of artificial crap they put in the fillings," Eddie said with a huff as he joined them in the foyer. "Homemade just tastes better."

"My own little Betty Crocker," Richie joked.

"Unca Ed!" Max screeched happily, reaching his little hands out to Eddie.

"Hey guys," Eddie greeted Bill & Audra before taking Max from Richie. "And hey there, Max! How are you, buddy?"

Richie grinned. It always warmed his heart to see how great Eddie was with kids. He wasn't even jealous that Eddie was Max's favorite uncle -- especially since Richie was Olivia's, much to Stan's consternation.

"Burke and Olivia are here, you want to go play with them?"

"Yeah!" Max clapped his hands.

"Sorry we're late," Audra said. "Max took a longer nap than anticipated today."

"It's fine," Richie replied. "We're all just sitting around and are just gonna order something in for dinner tonight anyway."

"We went ahead and brought the gifts over tonight so we wouldn't have as much to bring tomorrow," Bill said. "Richie, you wanna help me bring them in?"

"Yeah, sure man."

Richie and Bill walked out to Bill's car, each grabbing a box full of gifts and bringing them in.

"Hey, everyone," Bill greeted.

"So, Richie, Eddie was telling us you guys finished the baby's room," Audra said as Richie set his box of gifts down next to the tree.

"Yeah, we finished painting last week and got most of his decorations up, and the furniture was delivered yesterday," Eddie replied. "Which is good, because we wanted to finish the room before the holidays since we're going to be busy until after the new year."

"You guys went with a sea life motif, right?" Patty asked. 

"Yeah, Richie actually found this cute crib set with a bunch of turtles on it, so we centered the theme around that."

"Have you decided on a name?" Bev chimed in. "I want to get something monogrammed for him."

Richie huffed out a laugh as Eddie narrowed his eyes at him. "We're still discussing it."

Eddie scoffed. "Only because someone keeps insisting that we name him Edison!"

"Well excuse me if I want to name my son after the love of my life--"

"OHHHHKAY!" Stan interrupted. "So still working on that, gotcha. Well, now that Bill and Audra are here, how about we order some dinner? It was a long flight and I'm starving."

********************************************************************

After dinner, Richie put on A Muppet Christmas Carol for the kids to watch while the adults sat and talked.

He got up from where he had been snuggled against Eddie. "I'll be right back."

"Okay," Eddie replied.

Richie walked into the kitchen when Eddie's phone, which had been sitting on the counter, suddenly started to ring.

Without even looking at the caller ID Richie answered. "Y'ello?"

"Yes, is this Mr. Edward Kaspbrak-Tozier?" the voice on the other end replied.

"This is his husband, can I help you?"

"Oh yes…" She paused as if checking something. "Richard?"

"Yep, what can I do you for?"

"My name is Monica, I'm from the Los Angeles Center for Women. You're listed as the contacts for a Sarah Peters?" 

"Yeah, she's our surrogate."

"Mr. Kaspbrak-Tozier, I'm calling to inform you that she's been admitted to the hospital in labor--"

"We'll be right there," Richie said then immediately hung up. 

"EDDIE!" he yelled as he ran into the living room. "Sarah's in labor. Hospital. Now. Gotta go." 

Eddie looked up at Richie in surprise then jumped up. "Ok, ok, you get the hospital bag, I'll go start the car."

Richie ran upstairs and grabbed the bag they had packed for the hospital, silently praising his husband's tendency to prepare weeks in advance.

He ran downstairs to find all the Losers gathering Eddie in a hug.  

Ben pulled him into the group embrace. "Go welcome your son, guys."

"Let us know when he arrives, no matter what time it is," Stan added.

"We've got things handled here," chimed in Bev.

Richie sniffled. "Thanks, guys."

He and Eddie made their way to Eddie's Acura RDX. Not only had Richie insisted that they take his vehicle over Richie's Mustang because of course Eddie had bought the SUV with the highest safety rating, but Eddie also had a built-in knack for being able to avoid traffic on the freeway by taking back roads, so it made the most sense for him to drive. 

Plus Richie was too nervous to drive, but he wouldn't admit that. 

He ran a hand through his hair. "Sarah's not due for another two weeks, how the hell can she be in labor now?"

Eddie glanced over at Richie as he pulled out of their neighborhood. "Pregnancy isn't an exact science, Rich. It's all about estimated dates and whatnot."

"Holy shit, holy shit, we're about to have a kid, Eddie." He huffed out a breath. "A living, breathing human that we'll have to take care of and raise."

Eddie reached over and grabbed Richie's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "You'll be a great dad, Richie."

They made it to the hospital in record time, Eddie throwing the car into park and grabbing the bag before he and Richie ran into the hospital.

The nurse at the reception desk looked up at them. "Yes, may I help you?"

"Yes, we're here for Sarah Peters, she was admitted a while ago? She's our surrogate," Eddie explained. "We're Edward and Richard Kaspbrak-Tozier."

The nurse typed a few keys on her keyboard. "Ahh, yes, she's in room 226. Go around to this left side and take the elevator to the 2nd floor, you'll find Labor & Delivery. Someone will check you in."

Richie and Eddie made their way to the second floor, getting passes at the Labor & Delivery reception desk.

Eddie gently knocked on the door to Sarah's room, hearing a 'come in' before opening the door. 

Richie followed behind.

Sarah sat in a hospital bed, IV in her arm and heart monitor wrapped around her stomach. She smiled when she saw them. "Hey guys, you made it."

"Hey, Sarah, how are you feeling?" Eddie asked, moving to look at the monitors. "Richie hung up on the nurse before he asked any questions."

Richie listened as Sarah explained what had happened -- she was at her sister's house when her water broke, so her sister had driven her to the hospital and would be with her while she gave birth. "Apparently it's going to be a while, so she went downstairs to get something to eat and will be back in a bit." 

A few minutes into their visit, a nurse came into the room. She stopped when she saw Eddie. "Eddie? Oh my gosh, it's so good to see you! What are you doing here?" she said with surprise and glee.

"This is my baby-- Well, my husband's and my baby," Eddie explained. "Sarah's our surrogate."

He turned to Richie. "Rich, this is Nikki, remember I told you about her? We were in nursing school together."

"Oh yeah, I remember you mentioning her. Hi," Richie said.

"Oh my gosh, you must be Eddie's husband! He's told me so much about you. Congratulations!"

"Thanks. We're very excited."

"I bet!"

Richie sort of tuned out while Nikki explained more in detail about Sarah's progression. "Ok, I'll be back in a bit to check on you, ok? Congrats again, Eddie. Richie, nice to finally meet you!"

"You too."

Shortly after Nikki left Sarah's sister, Beth, came back. "Hi, you must be Richie and Eddie. It's so nice to finally meet you two. Sarah's talked about you guys a lot."

"Thanks," Richie replied. "Nice to meet you too."

They stayed with Sarah for a few hours, stepping out of the room around 11 PM when the doctor decided to let Sarah get some rest since she hadn't progressed much.

They walked to the labor & delivery waiting area and found a couple of seats in a quiet corner.

"Um, so I guess we need to actually decide on a name," Richie said once they got settled. "I was looking online this morning and I think I found one we can both agree on."

Richie told Eddie his name choice and nervously chewed his lip while Eddie mulled it over.

Finally, Eddie nodded. "Ok. But I choose his middle name, no arguments."

Richie smiled. "Okay."

*********************************

Shortly after 6 AM, Richie was abruptly shaken awake from a doze. "Whazzat?" he mumbled.

Eddie was kneeling in front of Richie, holding 2 cups of coffee. "Rich, honey, it's time. Sarah's about to start pushing."

Richie sat straight up. "She is?"

Eddie grinned. "Yep." He handed Richie one of the cups. "Here, I went downstairs to the coffee shop."

Richie gratefully took the cup. "Oh, bless you. You're an angel, Eds."

Eddie stood up and took his seat next to Richie, linking the fingers of his free hand with Richie's. "Just think, we'll get to meet our son soon."

Richie beamed at the thought. "Still okay with the name we chose?"

Eddie nodded. "It's perfect."

About 10 minutes later, Nikki came into the waiting room and walked straight towards them. Richie and Eddie both stood when they saw her. "Is he here?" Eddie asked.

Nikki broke into a grin. "Yep, he's here!"

"Can we see him yet? How's Sarah doing?"

"Give it about 20 minutes while we finish cleaning the baby up and getting his vitals, but both he and Sarah are fine."

Eddie nodded. "Okay, just please let us know when we're able to go see him."

"Sure will. Congrats again on your baby boy, guys!"

Once Nikki had left, Eddie pulled their bag out from under his chair. "I'm gonna go clean up a bit and brush my teeth before we go see the baby. I'll be right back."

"Ok," Richie replied. "I'll let everyone know that the baby is here."

With shaking hands, he sent out a text to the Losers group chat. Guys, he's here. Eddie and I have a son!

Stan, who was usually up early even when he wasn't 2 time zones away from his norm, was the first to reply. Congratulations, guys. We'll all swing by once everyone's awake.

Ok, sounds good, Richie replied.

Eddie came back pretty quickly, so Richie grabbed his toothbrush and went to clean up as well. Not long after he came back, Nikki came back into the waiting room. "Ok, Dads, you guys ready?"

Richie grabbed Eddie's hand and gave it a squeeze. They followed Nikki back to the room Sarah and the baby had been moved to, where Sarah was holding a tiny bundle.

Sarah gave them an exhausted, but soft, smile. "Hey guys, come meet your son."

The second Richie laid eyes on him he burst into tears. 

Eddie, whose eyes were also glistening, wrapped an arm around Richie as they peered at their child. 

Sarah held the baby out. "Want to hold him?"

"Rich? You want to hold him first?" Eddie asked.

"No, you go ahead," Richie sniffled. "I'm so shaky right now that I'm afraid I'd drop him."

Eddie gently took the baby, who made a displeased noise at being disturbed.

Richie gave a watery laugh and looked over Eddie's shoulder. "Aww Eds, he's just like you -- small and angry."

Eddie gave him a fond glare as he gently rocked the baby. 

"So did you guys pick a name?" Sarah asked.

Richie and Eddie looked at each other before Eddie smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we did."

Sarah grinned at the name. "Aww, that's perfect."

Eddie turned back to Richie. "Rich? You ready to hold him?"

Richie, who had calmed down somewhat, nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Eddie passed the baby to him. "Here you go, sweetheart."

Richie held back a gasp as the baby's eyes blinked open and he gave a tiny yawn. "Look, he's looking at me! Well hello there," he cooed. "Oh my God, I love you already."

He sat down next to Eddie on the couch. "Here, let me take your picture with him," Beth, who had been sitting in the chair next to Sarah's bed, offered.

Eddie handed her his phone and scooted closer to Richie, wrapping one arm around Richie's shoulder and placing the other on Richie's leg. 

Richie moved his arms so the baby's face would be in the picture and tilted his head next to Eddie's. "Our first family photo," he murmured.

Beth took several pictures -- one of Richie and Eddie looking at the camera, one of them looking at each other over the baby, and another of them both looking at the baby.

She had just handed Eddie his phone back when Richie felt his vibrate in his pocket.

"Everyone's awake," Eddie reported. "Bill wants to know if they can come meet the baby."

Richie chuckled. "Sarah? You up for our crazy family to come by?"

Sarah nodded. "Yeah, actually I'm feeling pretty good right now. I got a good bit of sleep before the baby came."

Richie watched as Eddie texted back an affirmative and the room number.

"Ok, they'll be here in about an hour. Just gotta finish getting the kids dressed and wait for Bill and Audra to pick them up."

"In that case, I'm going to run home for a bit, shower and change," Beth said. "I'll be back."

While they were waiting for the Losers to arrive, the hospital administrator came by to have the necessary paperwork regarding the baby's birth filled out. All of the paperwork regarding the surrogacy and parental rights had already been completed, so Eddie filled out the form for the baby's birth certificate, listing himself and Richie as the baby's parents. "There, now you're officially a Kaspbrak-Tozier, aren't you?" Richie cooed to his son. 

He had just handed the baby back to Eddie when there was a knock on the door.  Mike's head poked in. "Hi, can we come in?"

"Mike, hey, yeah," Eddie replied. "Come on in."

One by one, the Losers and their offspring filed in. 

Olivia ran over to Richie and plopped a small blue giraffe in his lap. "Unca Ichie, we 'bought a 'raffe!" she said.

"You did?" Richie said with faux surprise. "Is that for the baby?"

Olivia nodded.

"Aww well thank you, I'm sure he's going to love it."

"This is Sarah, our surrogate," Eddie gestured toward Sarah with an elbow. "Sarah, this is our rather unconventional family."

"Hi," Sarah said. "It's nice to meet you all."

The Losers all greeted Sarah, inquiring about her well-being before turning their attention to the baby.

"Everyone," Eddie said with a smile, "meet Edwin Richard Kaspbrak-Tozier."

Richie grinned at the collective 'aww' sounds all the adults were making.

"I absolutely love his name, guys," Beverly added then grinned. "Now gimmie my nephew."

Eddie laughed and handed him over, letting Beverly sit.

"Oh my goodness, he's adorable." Beverly looked over at Sarah. "I just want to tell you thank you. You have no idea how much we all appreciate what you've done for Richie and Eddie."

Sarah nodded. "My parents had me via a surrogate, so this is my way of paying it forward."

After everyone had a brief turn to hold Edwin, they gave Richie and Eddie hugs and filed back out silently, careful not to wake Sarah, who had fallen asleep not long before.

"By the way, happy anniversary, you two," Audra whispered as she handed Edwin back to Richie. "Looks like you guys got the ultimate anniversary gift."

She gave Richie and Eddie each a kiss on the cheek, gave Edwin one last touch on his hand, and bade them goodbye before leaving.

Richie adjusted Edwin in order to cradle him in his other arm. "Shit, Eds, in all the excitement about the baby arriving I forgot to tell you you happy anniversary. I was gonna surprise you with breakfast in bed this morning."

Eddie shrugged. "I don't know about you, but to be honest this is way better than anything I had planned in order to celebrate our first anniversary."

Richie couldn't help but smile as he looked down at his and Eddie's child. "Yeah, it really is, isn't it? Audra was right. We really did receive the ultimate anniversary gift today."

Eddie leaned in and gave Richie a sweet kiss. "Happy anniversary, Rich."

"Happy anniversary, Eds."

****************

Richie and Eddie both had cried when they arrived home with Edwin the day after Christmas and saw that everyone's gifts were still under the tree and a freshly-prepared Christmakkah dinner was on the table.

"You guys waited for us?" Eddie sniffled.

"Well, yeah," Ben had replied. "It's not Christmakkah without you guys -- and now Edwin too, of course."

They had eaten, Bill and Mike insisting on taking care of cleanup since the other, 'culinarily capable' adults had taken care of the cooking. "Nope," Bill had said when Eddie protested their refusal for help. "You guys were such a huge help when Audra and I came home from the hospital with Max. The least we can do is repay the favor."

Afterward, when everyone had gathered in the living room to open gifts, Richie had been surprised to see an extra pile of presents next to his and Eddie's.

"You guys all got Edwin something?" he said in awe.

"Of course," Stan had replied as if it were obvious. "Can't let our nephew celebrate his first Christmakkah without gifts."

Now one week later, all the Losers had gone back to their respective lives until the next family gathering in March for Max's birthday.

Richie and Eddie sat quietly on the sofa together, Richie's arm around Eddie's shoulder and Edwin fast asleep in Eddie's arms after his early-evening bottle.

As Eddie snuggled against Richie's side and they both watched Edwin sleep peacefully, Richie reflected on just how complete his life was with his husband and their son. "I love you so much, Eddie," he murmured, turning his head to press a kiss to Eddie's temple. "I'm so lucky that I get to live this life with you."

"I love you too, Richie," Eddie replied. "There's no one else I'd rather spend my life with."

If Richie sent up a prayer of thanks to a magical turtle later that night while his husband and son slumbered near him, well, that would be his secret.

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 42)

"👀👀👀👀👀👀"

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

Colson's leg is bouncing up and down. If Luna's hangover and the turbulence of the plane are the death of her. His uncontrollable leg is the nail in her coffin. She squeezes his knee, choosing her words specifically. "Do you feel alright?" She asks sweetly, hoping to crack a smile on his beautiful face. It does, but it's weak. "What's up?" She asks him.

Sighing, he says "I'm just nervous about dinner." She laces her fingers into his. Natural anxiety reducer.

Tilting her head, she asks him "Why? You've met my Mom-Mom before...." A little amused.

"I know...." He trails off.

"What's up, Colson?" She pries gently.

He turns to her, their blue eyes meeting. "I just want her to like me. I know she liked Justin and Jackson. I don't wanna be the odd man out." He looks down.

"He's so fucking adorable." She thinks to herself, smiling.

"That's the thing, Bunny. You're the only man in. They're called passed relationships because they're in the past. Plus." She winks at him, hoping he'll look up to catch it. He doesn't. "She already likes you. There would be no dinner if she didn't." She tells him squeezing his hand.

His head pops up finally, meeting her eyes and knowing smile. "Yeah?"

"Mhm... You said it yourself, my grandmom's a beast. She's very direct and I'm betting, she knew and decided she liked you before the end of brunch. Hence, the follow through with dinner."

"I'm outta pocket, hunh?" He asks to her giggling nod. "I know, I just never cared what someone's parent thought before, Loons."

"Well, she's not my parent. She's my Mom-mom. So, wipe that stigma away. And she's not Betty Crocker. She's Patti fucking Smith. And MY grandmother. There's nothing you could do or say in this WORLD, that would shock her." Luna is stroking his hair now, trying to reassure him.

"Facts." He agrees laughing. "You're right, I'm totally outta pocket." He kisses her sweetly on the lips before they lean back against each other. They have an hour left of their flight. Drifting off, their minds wander.

"He's so cute....." She muses to herself. "I wonder where we'll go.... I'm fucking starving. Maybe I can convince her to go to Tony's. It's quiet, we shouldn't be bothered.... Ugh, I'm totally grabbing a fucking pretzel when we hit ground."

********************************************

"Patti was really nice. And it deff didn't feel like a front.... Luna's a lot like her.... Fuck, I hope she's right...... And fuck Jackson's bitch ass, yo." Annoyance rising inside of him.

------------------------------------------------

They land before 5P. Luna loves The City. There's a rush of emotions that flood her senses as soon as she hits the side walk. Colson sees her grinning as she spies a pretzel vendor. "Ahhh!! It's good to be home!!" She shouts dragging him behind her.

They're staying at The Vale instead with Luna's Mom-Mom. Their intense sex life being the main factor. Dropping their bags, she guides him around the city.

There's something special she has in mind before dinner at 730P.

Colson loses his shit as she leads him into a little comic book shop. "Hey Bob!!" She calls out. A hefty man comes out from a dark back room.

"LUNA!?" His voice booms. "Long time, no see, Kiddo! How are you?" Giving her a huge hug.

"Fucking stupid ass shoulder." She thinks trying to return his hug.

"Good, good. Been on the West Coast for a bit. Yourself?" She asks.

"Don't complain, no one listens!" They all laugh.

"Bob, this is my boyfriend Colson." She says introducing the 2 men to Bob's quiet surprise. He knew Justin. "He's a huge fan. I couldn't come home without bringing him in." She laughs.

Colson is like a kid in a candy store. Excited over all the rare editions, chatting and debating different theories and characters with Bob. He buys 15 comic books and exchanges all info. Making an instant friend. Laughing with promises of returning, Luna pulls Colson out the door and off to get dressed for dinner.

"That was fucking SICK, Loons!" He tells her, scooping her up to kiss her as they walk back to The Vale. "Bob's fucking awesome. He's knows everything!" He continues. "Thanks for taking me!"

Smiling through the tinge of pain, she's heard that of Bob before. She then laughs saying "OF COURSE!! Pete never took you here?" She questions.

"Nah... I don't think we've ever been to Brooklyn together." He says. "Either way, fucking AWWWWESOME!!!" He tells her, swinging her around on the sidewalk, kissing her all over as she laughs uncontrollably.

--------------------------------------------------

As Luna slips her clothes off for a quick shower, Colson watches her. Eyeing every tattoo, every curve of her body. Still avoiding that fucking shoulder. She looks over to see him watching her. "What are you doing?" She asks him with a smile.

"THIS." He replies, spinning her around into his arms. He takes her face into his hands kissing her hard and deep. Making her pussy plump for him. Colson lifts Luna up on to the bathroom counter. She's sucking on his neck and biting on his shoulder as he slides himself into her.

"Colllson." She moans out. Leaning back, bracing herself on the sink and mirror. He's gripping her ass, pumping into her, making her whole body bounce on his dick. Feeling close she pulls herself into him. Pussy clenching around his huge cock. "FUCK Colson, I'm gonna cum." She cries into his neck.

"Not now." He pulls her hair back.

Bucking hard against him, she pulls back into him. "YES, now." She demands. Biting him hard on the neck as they both explode. She releases his neck, still pushing her hips into him.

"FUCK, KITTEN." He breathes out heavily kissing her on the mouth. She kisses him back before slapping his ass and pushing him off of her.

"We're late." She hops off of the counter, starting the shower.

"It's this thing's fault." He tells her, gripping her ass cheek and jiggling it.

"Get in the fucking shower." She laughs.

------------------------------------------------

Colson had forgot his wallet upstairs, so Luna's waiting for him in the lobby. Although they had gotten dressed together upstairs, stepping out of the elevator, she takes his breath away. Stopping him in his tracks. She's dressed in all black. Fully covered but still sexy as hell.

"Fuck, she's gorgeous." He thinks to himself. Feeling his heart race and dick get hard, she breaks the trance when she catches his eye. "I'm gonna fucking marry her one day. IF she let's me." He laughs to himself as he greets his girlfriend.

------------------------------------------------

Dinner isn't nearly as intimidating as Colson expected. Luna had told her grandmother about his parents prior, both agreeing the topic was off limits unless he mentions it. There's wine, pasta, bread and lots of laughter.

Patti tells embarrassing stories about Luna to Colson's delight. She asks about Casie and Emma, having met them both. Praising Colson on their dynamic as parents.

The conversation is fully engaging. Patti goes on to ask about his career. Praising him again, this time for his role in The Dirt. "I know those boys pretty well." She tells Colson of Mötley Crüe. "I wouldn't have normally watched it but Luna was intent on me seeing your performance. I was very impressed. You have a natural gift."

He thanks her, cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"Told you, Mom-mom." Luna teases, touching his leg under the table.

Patti asks how him and Luna met. A cheesing Colson tells the story of The Gramercy and his birthday. Luna blushes when he kisses her on the cheek. 

"It's like serendipity." Patti smiles at the couple. Pleased with the way the man interacts with and speaks of her granddaughter.

Patti and Luna discuss Marissa and AL. Luna catching her up to speed. Marissa's visa is slowly moving along. While Ashley and Luna have a meeting this coming week with AL's ACLU. Plus, that the Nightmare merch sold out.

The old punk is pleased with her granddaughter's political activism. This spawns stories of Patti's own rebellion and youth. Colson hanging on every word. Luna watching them happily. She knows almost all these stories, chiming in when relevant.

They finish up dinner with promises of Home Safe texts and future visits. Patti hugs Colson warmly. Holding him tight for a moment, she tells him it was a pleasure to spend time with him and that she appreciates his love for her granddaughter. Colson hugs her back tight, thanking her. There's a safe comfort in the woman's hug. She kisses Luna goodbye, exchanging love before she gets into her cab.

"Your Mom-mom's fucking awesome!!" Colson declares.

"That, she is." Luna agrees with a large smile.

-------------------------------------------------

Luna leads Colson to Trophy for a drink, sharing a joint and laughter as they walk along the way.

The bar is pretty calm for a Saturday night. Luna doesn't recognize any of the bartenders or see the owner as they grab drinks and a booth in the back corner.

Heads ducked together, she eyes him deviously. "Wanna play a game?" She asks him. Instantly intrigued he nods. She pulls his hand underneath the booth and places it on her thigh. As he runs it up her skirt, he realizes she has on thigh highs. Not stockings. With no panties.

"This crazy Fucking Bitch!" He thinks in excitement. Eyes wide as he touches her bare pussy.

She's watching his reaction. Body radiating from his touch in the loud bar. "Can make me cum without anyone noticing?" She dares him.

He kisses her, accepting her dare as he slowly slides his middle finger inside of her, rolling his thumb around and along her clit. Her body tightens with his movement. She bites her lip as he stares into her eyes, pushing his finger inside of her. Feeling her start to shake, he slides his free arm around her shoulders pulling her into him. His finger deeper into her. She's breathing heavy, trying not to buck against him as he pleases her with his finger and thumb. He feels her walls clench as she shoves her face into his neck. Giggling as she cums in his hand. She stays in his neck for a moment, collecting herself.

Pulling away, she looks up around the bar. No one's paying attention to them.

"FUCK, I LOVE NEW YORK" She thinks, happy to be home.

She smiles as she watches Colson lick his finger.

"Fucking peaches." He thinks, distracted by her taste.

"You're a bad girl." He tells her, laughing as he kisses her.

"Your bad girl." She purrs to him. They share a few more rounds before deciding to split.

Leading Luna through the bar by her hand, he's stopped abruptly by the pull back of his arm and Luna shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" He turns to see her bewildered. Before he can ask her what's wrong, she shouts to him with her thumb jerking towards a guy sitting at the bar. "HE GRABBED MY FUCKING ASS!!"

"She doesn't have on any FUCKING panties!!!" The thought quickly flashes through his mind as rage explodes.

Colson grabs the peice of shit by the back of the hair, slamming his face into the bar, hard, while shouting "FUCKING TOUCH MY GIRL, DAWG!?!" Luna sees a guy stand up to her left as another is standing up to Colson's right. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Colson hit the other guy. Luna turns to the man standing aggressively near her, kicking out his right knee cap. This brings him down to her level as she slams her fist up, underneath his jaw with a solid upper cut. A left and then a hard right and he's done.

"Get the FUCK outta here!!" The bartender starts screaming at Colson and Luna as the 3 men try to recover from their damage.

Before Colson can grab her, she slams five $100 bills on the bar. "FREE DRINKS FOR WHOEVER CAN KEEP THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS SHUT!!" She shouts to the crowd watching. Looking the bartender in the eye, sliding him another $100, she tells him "You tell Lucas, THAT Brooklyn Bitch was here." She then steps around the dudes grappling on the ground, grabs Colson's hand and hits the streets.

------------------------------------------------

Back at The Vale, they're both high and drunk off of each other, drugs and love. All over the other in the elevator. "I can't believe he fucking touched you." He's ranting as he pushes her into their room. "I shoulda Fucking killed him." He says through sloppy drunk kisses.

"Next time." She laughs, unbuckling his pants as he pulls her leather off.

"You're a MOTHERFUCKING monster!!" He exclaims to her giggles, lifting her up on to his waist. She pulls her black dress off over her head. "No, like you fucking dropped that dude." His words are quick as he kisses all over her neck and chest.

Unhooking her bra, she laughs "It's all about the knees, Bunny."

He lays her on the bed, thigh high clad legs around his neck, black ankle booties still on. They're sloppy and drunk and excited and in love. Pushing into her, she pushes her hips back into him. Driving him deeper into her. They moan for each other. He fucks her hard, cradling her head in his big hands. She bites his collar bone, pushing against him, pulling his hair. Fucking each other hard. "FUCK LUNA!!" He calls out. She feels his arms shake as he cums inside of her. Dropping her legs, she bucks against him harder, exploding just as he falls on top of her.

Out of breath, they lay there for a minute.

"Fuck. You're ferocious." He breathes into her hair as she wraps her body tightly around him.

-----------------------------------------------

Luna wakes up to a text from Pete.

"You might wanna check Page Six before brunch 👀 👀 👀 👀"

Is all it says.

"FUUUCCCKK." Luna sighs pulling covers over her head.

------------------------------------------------

"It seems the prodigal granddaughter of punk has returned home. Sources say That Brooklyn Bitch was spotted having dinner with her grandmother, the legendary Patti Smith at Tony's in Brooklyn, on Saturday night. Sources report that the pair were not alone, being joined by the rapper Machine Gun Kelly. It has been reported that, That Brooklyn Bitch has been recently spotted in LA over the last few weeks with the rapper. The songstress and rapper have a new song together climbing the charts and she has been featured in his Instagram stories this passed month. Sources go on to say, there was an altercation at Trophy Bar between the NY native, we're assuming her new beau and a group of men inside the establishment. No further details were given. At press time That Brooklyn Bitch, nor Machine Gun Kelly could be reached for comment."

Luna slams the paper down on the table after she reads it. Sighing as Colson picks it up. "We're out. The internet doesn't matter the way The Post does." She says.

After reading it, he responds. "Whatever. We're out, Kitten. It could've been worse, there's barely any details. Your $600 bought something." He shrugs laughing.

"FUCK you." She shoots him a dirty look with a half smile.

"I love you and I don't give a fuck who knows. Now c'mon, let's get dressed. Pete's waiting on us." He tells her, kissing her on the forehead before pulling her up from the table.

Sighing again, she obliges. Knowing this is about to change EVERYTHING.

-------------------------------------------------

To be continued.......

Spiderpool (nsfw) one shot

Peter swung onto the rooftop with the soft pat of his feet. It was a crisp night in New York City, the trees were loosing their leaves and Central Park had become a sea of orange and yellow, lit up by the never ending line of street lamps and night shift taxi’s. It was peaceful in a way.  “Hey Spider butt.” Well, at least he thought. Peter looked toward the voice and found that red suit laying on his back, hands used as a pillow for his head.  “Geez Wade I didn’t see you there.” Peter pads over to look down at him. “What are you doing laying down?”  “Star gazing.” He looks up to find what Wade is supposedly gazing it, but as usual pollution had covered the sky.  “But the-“ “I know.” Peter nodded quietly. He’s had enough run ins with Wade to know you don’t argue with him.  “Well don’t just stand there,” Wade insists “come join the tranquility.”  Peter pauses for a moment before laying next to Wade. “Which one is your favourite?”  “Star?” Peter assumes, “uh, that one.” He says pointing to...well nothing really. Just fog. “Shit really?!” Wade exclaims, “that’s mine too! What a coinkydink.”  Peter hums in response. His senses began to relax, even with the agitating noise of car horns and drunks shouting. This usually happens around Wade, Peter found it strange. There are times, when Peter is fuelling with adrenaline, that even the thought of Wade made Peter skin crawl, but other times there was little. Tingles really. Almost as if a thick wind was brushing against the hairs of his body.  “Are you into 80’s classics?” Wade breaks the silence.  “In what way?”  “Ya you know, music, movies, politics.” Peter turns his head to Wade then back to the sky.  “Well, Queen is my Spotify top play, Bryan Adams had a couple good hits.”  “And what about Wham? What do you think of them?”  “A great shower singalong.”  “Fantastic.”  Peter crosses his right foot over the left, overhead a plane is passing by. He recognizes the lights, it’s a Stark Enterprise craft. After he had taken down Oscorp, he was approached by Tony Stark. Literally. He was offered a paid internship which turned out to be fighting Captain America in a German airport. Now he works along side Bruce when he isn’t working or miserably studying his college courses. It’s ironic that Harry happens to be the teachers assistant, meaning Peters grades don’t always reflect what he knows. God damn Oscorp. For all it gave, it took, and it took.  “Whatcha thinking about Spiderbutt?”  “Gwen.” It slipped out.  “Who?” Of course Wade doesn’t know.  “Ben.” Peter mumbles. “Are you saying Gwen or Ben I can’t tell?”  Peter sighs and sits up, “both.” He crawls over to the ledge and sits criss cross. Looking down at the city, he sees flashes of lights, people coming and going. He often wonders about their lives. Are they good? Bad? Do they possess superhuman abilities too or are they just normal? Peter wished he was normal.  Wade is now propped up on his elbows watching him. His back was hunched and his head hung. Wade isn’t good with emotions, he often uses humour to deal with such situations but he always does his best to impress Spiderman. That’s the kind of crime fighter Wade aspires to be. So he gets up and sits on the ledge too, legs dangling over.  “You know, I lost someone too.”  “Sure but was it your fault?” Peter asked flatly. “Yeah.” Wade nodded. “I got messy on a job and they found my home. Six guys with guns broke down the door and I dropped all of them with kitchen knifes. God bless Betty Crocker. But the last one, he took a shot before I got him. The only bullet fired the entire time and it got Vanessa right in the chest. She died in surgery.”  “How did you deal with it?” Peters voice sounded strained.  “At first I was a mess. I’d kill myself over and over just to see her, to apologize...but after a while I realized it would fix nothing.” Wade rolled up his mask to the bridge of his nose. His lips were chapped from the friction of leather. “Then I found out I had a daughter from a past lady and Spidey let me tell you, reality hit me right in the sack. Just, metaphorically punches my balls back up into my body,” Wade motions his fist upward. “That’s when I knew that as shitty as the situation was, it didn’t define who I was. I had a lot left to live for and stewing in self loathing wasn’t helping. I didn’t sit back and let them kill Vanessa, I fought. The truth is man, in this line of work? You can’t save everyone, and your loved ones are no exception. We just do the best we can, and deal with the sacrifices that come along.”  Peter is glad that his mask is waterproof because he can’t stop the few tears that fell.  “I’m sorry to hear that.”  “Sometimes life is a sandpaper dildo, other times its free bag of cocaine. You just gotta roll with the punches, play the cards you’re dealt. You know what they say: with great power comes great responsibility.”  Peter looks at Wade. “Who says that?”  “Everybody.” Wade shrugs. “I have literally never heard that in my life.”  “...ya sure?”  “Positive.” Peter looks back to the city. “Right. Copy rights. So what’s going to get you out of this funk? Could be anything. Something fun. Something dangerous.”  “Wade-“ “Spidey just trust me. I know that seems like a bad idea but I got past my loss and I can help you.”  Peter sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know, dangerous I guess.”  “Ok good.” Wade sits facing Peter. “What’s something dangerous you’ve always wanted to do?” Peter thought for a moment. He had many things he’d like to do, many lines he’d like to push, but one stuck out in particular and it was calling his name.  “This.” He reaches up and rips off his mask, it was an adrenaline he hadn’t felt before. Wade stared at him mouth agape. Wade knew Peter was a fit guy but holy hell he was beautiful. “That feels better.” Peter head turns to Wade. “What do I have something on my face?”  “Yeah. A lot of handsome.” Peter felt his cheeks burn and lightly punched Wade on the arm.  “I’m not gay.”  “Don’t knock until you try it.”  “I have enough problems I don’t need my sexuality to be one of them.” Wades wonder turned into a stern, tight lip.  “Being fluid isn’t a problem. It’s normal. I bet you haven’t even tried it.”  “No I haven’t but honestly I’m going through so much shit that I might just get drunk and give it a go.” Peter rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t know Wade I’m sick of feeling nothing.”  “Then let yourself feel something.”  “How?” Peter expected one of wades smart ass comebacks but he got a chin grip and a solid kiss on the lips instead. His spider senses shot up like a rocked but crashed just as quick. When Wade finally let go Peter could hear the thump of his own pulse.  “There’s your start.” Wade sits back to his spot as if he had done nothing. Peter felt a turn in his stomach, and a lump from in his throat. But most of all, he felt hungry, and not in the way he usually does.  “Again.” He demands.  “What?” Wade barely has time to finish his question before Peter has him pinned to the roof top. “Spidey?!” He crushes his mouth against Wades, successful reliving the surge of taboo energy.  “My names Peter.” Wade was speechless, even his boxes were silent. “Don’t knock until you try right? Wade, help me feel something.” Peter knew before Wade said yes, he was sitting low enough to feel Wades erection grow against his thigh.  “My suit stays on.” Peter nods at Wades request but starts removing his own. Wade does his best to help, both of them now heated with lust. Tossing the suit aside, Wade sits up to kiss Peter heatedly and forces him to sit against a dome skylight. Peters skin felt like it was burning against the cold glass. His cock too was now full and resting against his stomach. Wades mouth sucked heavenly at his mouth and makes it’s way to his neck.  “W-ade.” Peter cracks in a moan. He wanted to cry, this felt wrong but he’d just die if it stopped. He sucked in a loud gasp when Wades hand started pumping his cock, adding a little extra pressure just beneath the head. His precum dribbles out over Wades fingers and lands in the well kept patch of pubic hair on Peters body. Now Wade isn’t use to sensual, romantic sex, he’s always had the taste for the dirty but this time he was reserved. Peter had never even kissed a guy until now, Wade certainly wasn’t about to split him open (he’s a little hung in the pants if you know what I mean). But he couldn’t let butt stuff escape this opportunity, so with the middle finger of his right hand, left hand still on Peters dick, he scoops up some of the slick from Peters body and reaches down below. Peter yelps when he feels Wades finger against his hole.  “It’s ok,” Wade assures, “I won’t go in.” Peter nods and mewls when Wade begins to circle the untouched ring of muscle. Wades erection throbs in his suit, he had most of a mind to take it out but he wanted this experience to be all about Peter. Underneath him Peter was gripping onto the window ledge with his face nose to skin at Wades neck. He couldn’t quit squirming and had to take a look at the stroking below, which by now had started to make lewd noises. It was certainly a sight he’d never thought he’d see but he loved the leather glove against his shaft. He wasn’t pleased that Wade was doing all of the work, after all this is sex. Right? Kind of? Wade jumped and stopped his motion when Peter gripped him through his suit. “Peter that’s not necess-“  “Shut up and keep going.” Peter squeezes and Wade grunts. How could he say no to that? He starts again but this time his movements were sloppy, it was hard to concentrate while Peter rubbed him through his suit.  “Peter if you don’t stop-“ “You bet I’m not.” Wade groaned and quickened his hand on Peters cock.  “Fuck. Wade.” That’s when the orgasm hit Wade. He’d never forget how his name sounded in that moment. He also didn’t realize his finger and slipped into Peters ass, not until Peters back curled and a horse cry was heard. He had to have hit the prostate.  Peters whole body felt weightless yet paralyzed at the same time. His skin flushed red and hair damp with sweat. There was an uncomfortable tug at his bottom then emptiness. Peter felt empty.  “I thought you said you weren’t going in?” He asked, not that he minded. “Sorry.” Wade says sitting back, “it just kinda...slipped.”  “What was that in there?”  “It’s called a prostate, God uses it to punish straight men.” Peter chuckles and lays his head back to look up, the fog was still thick. “So uh...that happened.” “Yeah. Usually I wine and dine first.” Peter sits up to look for his suit, he’s bloody freezing now, and covered in his own jizz no less. “This is really going to stain my suit.” “I got you.” Wade reaches into a pouch on his belt and pulls out a baby wipe. “I clean up a lot of blood now.”  “Thanks.” Peter starts to clean his stomach and chest, still bare naked and you know what? He doesn’t even mind. He doesn’t feel the least bit vulnerable with Wade. Of course he still puts his suit back on, he is in the open air after all. “Hey Wade do you like Rocky?”  “Do I like Rocky? Is that even a question? Is it legal to ask that?”  “So yes?” “Hell yeah!” Peter nods and walks back to the ledge.  “Tomorrow night then? Back here? I’ll bring my laptop and a blanket.”  “I’ll bring the snacks and cocaine.” “No drugs.”  “Ok.”  “See you tomorrow then.” Peter jumps from the ledge screaming Adrian, and swinging off into a city that never sleeps.  [Wade.]  “I know.” He says standing up. {And you’re totally chill?}  “I know.” He says with a smile. 

Is it just me or am I crazy?

So, remind me why I'm sitting her typing away on my phone. You know...divulging all the crazy crap that either happens in my life by accident or partially to be blamed on my own fault. This is truly the second attempt, because the first I indeed published for the whole internet to read. Case in point for this whole post. Oddly enough I haven't the slightest clue of where to start on this magic carpet ride. Maybe I should just start rambling...I'm good at that.

So...

I think everything starts off with why do things change?Remember when you were dating someone? You couldn't stand to be without them or away from them. Guys treated you differently. They opened doors, wrote little notes, picked up the tab or bought you things for no reason or just wanted to hug or kiss you for no apparent reason. Women would act like a 1950s housewife modeling perfect behavior, they would spend time making themself look presentable, and Lord forbid they even acted like they didn't mind looking or for that matter touching a naked male. I still open up doors, use proper greetings, purchase way too much and more than my far share, but damn...if I give ya a hug from behind while you're making dinner for the kids....it does not mean jm going to throw you down and take you right there... because 1. You ain't Betty Crocker, 2. The dry shampoo and yoga pants/gym/public pj's ain't doing it for me, and 3. I know you used to like it when I made my penis do the helicopter immediately after I jumped out of the shower, but I know....you hate it now. Hell, when you're courting and dating, you had to be touching them when you were near them. Well, holy hell I'm sorry I walked into the same house as you situations come up nowadays. I'm looking for an additional foot or two even in a California King. I try my damndest to get my kids to build a damn teepee, blanket fort, or something for an excuse to sleep the floor.Which is basically where most guys feel cheated out of this deal. I feel as if I were catfished into a relationship where my significant other liked the physical aspects of a relationship. I'd jump out of the shower and to my surprise I'd receive a tug, a nibble, a suck, a grab, etc. Shit...the closest thing to that now is the rush of trying to put boxers on while still soaking wet while smacking kids away...just to open a snack size of fucking Goldfish. (Its okay, because it's flavor blasted xtra cheddar...) Excitment is gone. I've forgotten what the excitment feel is. Do people still chase each other playing naked peekaboo? Who knows... I don't know where things go haywire. I have always enjoyed time with the ladies. I'm not a playboy or experienced pro by no means. I knew from the moment I had my first sexual experience that it was absolutely a-m-azing. It was awkward, but I thought it was missionary and vanilla. Over the years I have completely found out that Baskin Robbins ain't got shit for flavors! I ask you...can you be addicted to something even with the lack of it. I think you can. Listen...I get it most sterotypical guys think about sex atleast a few times a minute. BUT, what happened to females that think just as much about it. That's what I have realized I have been missing the past few years. So, here is the start of my new online journal of my messed up crazy thoughts. If you have any questions feel free to post or comment. This journal will also by steered by what rating you give it. You decide.

More stupid things my family has said

Part II

"Please tell me Dave doesnt die." "......you guys are gonna be so disappointed." "DAD!"

"That doesn't suck for the dad, the dad is dead!"

"Is she a ten?"

"Cereal squad~"

"Its big brain time!" Repeatedly slaps meatloaf

"Did you get rabies when she bit you??"

"That's do much dill."

"My barbeque sauce is making me sweat."

Squeak. Squeak. "Oh, God."

"Did you know your saliva is filtered blood and if you drink enough of it you could get high?" "...Challenge accepted."

"I would but my hands a meat and egg."

"No, the knife stabbing this piece of flesh just jarred my arm."

"AH! Naomi, no!"

"Garlic." "There's garlic in the sauce." "More Garlic!"

"You guys are deffinetly my kids." "Is that a good thing?" "Depends on who you ask."

"I'm not scared of the dark, I'm afraid of taxes."

"I just yeeted myself and it kinda hurt."

"The only good thing Thomas Jefferson did for the country was Macaroni and Cheese and swirly chairs."

"Dave! No!"

"I'm not gonna bit my tounge."

"That was like some self-fulfilling prophecy."

"Is Nanna Betty Crocker?"

"You're salty about that shark?"

"Give me the damn computer."

"If you get stabbed right here is that your abdomen?" "That your KIDNEY."

"You better hurry before she eats the cookie." "Well now I'm gonna do it." "Well now I don't trust you."

"Hey Teah! You want an algebra workbook?" "Please no. Dont make me."

"How are you cold?" "How are you not?"

Watches a burger fall apart. "She's crying."

"Mr. Franklin, sir, did you live a sad, miserable life without eating chocolate?"

"You can't say 'Eat to live, not live to eat.' And expect everyone to agree with that. Food is good."

"And now we have dad quoting Disney."

Crash! "Alright, who ran into the door?"

Chucks bacon "Here."

"Can you not spit all over my feet?"

"Said imaginary friend IS mom."

"An owl?" "A mouse."

"Did Bootsie kill the gofer?" "God, I wish."

Reddit Prompt: Write a horror story where the protagonist doesn’t give a fuck.

They dragged me into a back room illuminated solely by candlelight. They gagged me, stripped me, and then tied me to a wooden table in the center of a chanting congregation. They whipped me a few times, and then this small decrepit old lady with Tweety Bird locks started writing things on my back.

I didn’t mind the gagging, the stripping, or being tied down all that much—it wasn’t all that different from what my boyfriend, Mike, and I did on especially frisky nights—but I kind of minded the writing. I don’t like being written on; especially when I don’t know what it says.

If they were going to write on me, they could have at least done it where I could see. It was pretty inconsiderate if you asked me.

When they were done, they led me—or rather pushed me—along another dark corridor that really started to make me question their ability to pay the light bill. Soon, they shoved me into another dark room and focusing on not tripping became more important than the state of their finances.

“Ellie!”

Ah, yes, where are my manners? My name’s Ellie. I’m 20 years old, I have a total of four friends, and one of them is my twin sister, Milly. You know how they say that in a set of twins, there’s always one that’s the fuck up? Or the one who’s never quite as good, or amazing, as the other?

That’s Milly.

No, I’m kidding, it’s me. It’s most definitely me.

But I never really minded not aspiring to go to Yale, or Harvard, or some other prissy school like my sister’s always singing about. I’m perfectly fine working at Starbucks to support my bullshit Anthropology degree while she rides out her super expensive law scholarship. Yeah, she’s perfect and everybody loves her; but I think she’s always so uptight. I mean, you should have seen her as a kid. Always trying super hard to be this girl that everyone loves, never taking the time to just smoke a joint and relax.

My parents and teachers always wanted me to be like her. Milly could do no wrong. Ever. Besides, it was easier to blame misfortunes on the crappier twin than the star. Do I resent her for it? Not really. She may be an uppity, pious pain in the ass, but I love my sister.

But, like all siblings, I take great satisfaction in knowing that she fucked up this time and I’m not the one who got us into this mess.

“Oh my god, Ellie!” Milly cried, rushing over to take my face in her grimy hands, “What did they do to you?!”

She looked like hell. Her perfect blonde hair—that she most definitely dyed to please her boyfriend because I am a brunette—was completely disheveled and hastily pulled up into a ponytail. Her pretty blue eyes were bloodshot, and there were bloodstains all across her face and clothes.

She was looking earnestly into my own matching pair, her hands shaking, and I mumbled slowly, “They did some stuff.”

“Stuff?” She echoed, kind of hysterically. “What kind of ‘stuff?!”

“You know, the kind that makes you say ‘ow,’” I answered and Milly shoved me away disgustedly to move to the other side of the dingy room.

“Fuck, Ellie! Can’t you be serious for once in your fucking life?!” Milly viciously raked her hand through her dirty hair, making it look even worse. “We’re going to die!”

Combing my hand through my own bird’s nest for hair, I swept my gaze across the small room while Milly had her own little melt down. There was only one entrance, so that obviously meant there was only one exit, but there was a small window in the corner that looked tampered with. Only, it wasn’t big enough to fit through so I didn’t really devote a lot of time scrutinizing it.

There was a noticeable lack of food or water, or even a toilet—which sucked because I really had to pee—in the room, but there was something even bigger that was missing.

Two bodies. Tony and Jimmy.

“Hey,” I called to my sister, rubbing my sore wrists distractedly. “Where are the guys?”

“Oh, Tony,” Milly moaned miserably, and when I looked back she was cradling her head in her hands. “They took him away, too.”

Well, since she was so distraught, I’m guessing Tony didn’t make it back.

“And Jimmy?”

Milly was silent.

“Milly?” I prompted and she shook her head, raising her hand to pick at her trembling bottom lip in a nervous tick I knew very well.

“He…” She started tremulously, licked her lips, then whispered, “He escaped. Through there.”

I followed the direction her head jerked to, unsurprised to see it was the window. Well, if anyone were going to fit through there, it’d be Jimmy.

“He said—he said he was gonna get help,” Milly shook her head. “He said he’d be back for us, but—but he hasn’t come back! What if—what if…”

Milly trailed off uncertainly and I sighed. See, Tony and Jimmy were Milly’s friends. We came here with them. I didn’t want to come to the creepy old cabin in the woods, and Mike was vehemently against it, but Milly begged me to accompany her. She’d said she didn’t want to be alone with two guys in a cabin; but I secretly knew that that was one of Milly’s greatest fantasies…The freak.

She just wasn’t attracted to Jimmy, who was a really lanky and small for his age guy, but he was Tony’s best friend so she was nice to him.

Then again, Milly was nice to everyone. Me? People tended to avoid the stoner girl in my neighborhood, but I like to think I’m pretty chill. Jimmy thought so too, apparently.

Milly thinks he has a huge crush on me, but I beg to differ. I just think that the poor guy is in love with his best friend’s girl and wants the next best thing. Whatever the case, Milly bribed me with cinnamon rolls—so of course I had to come.

I had to pretend I was single and flirt with the guy, which was pretty mean, but Milly promised me more cinnamon rolls which was also pretty mean. I hope Mike doesn’t find out—he’ll kill me and Jimmy.

If Jimmy isn’t already dead, that is.

The only reason we’re here is because of some urban legend Tony taunted Milly with. He’d called her a goody two-shoes, a girl too afraid to get her hands dirty and do something dangerous. Which, I mean, is true, but Milly doesn’t take well to being challenged or teased.

So, of course, we went to the creepy cabin in the woods.

I wasn’t too surprised that we had encountered a satanic cult living there who wanted to sacrifice us to their pagan god. What else did I expect? Mr. Rodgers? Blue from Blue’s Clues? Betty Crocker?

But I guess Milly and her friends did because they were super surprised—the idiots.

Turning around, I went and tinkered with the lock a bit, finding it flimsy and dated.

“Oh my fuck, Ellie!”

Looking over my shoulder at the sound of Milly’s horrified screech, I rose a brow, “What, Milly?”

“Your back!” She cried. “It’s covered in symbols!”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. Then I remembered that hardcore BDSM orgy in the other room and, well, duh.

“Oh, yeah, I don’t know what they did back there. Could you take a picture?” And remembering that Milly was a stickler for good manners I added, “Please?”

Milly nodded, and she pulled her defunct phone from her bra and took a blurry picture of my back. The poor girl was shaking so bad I wondered how she kept her bladder together.

Zooming in on the symbols etched delicately across the span of my back, I couldn’t help but breathe, “Wow, those are pretty!”

“Pretty?!” Milly screeched incredulously, drawing my attention back to her. “Ellie, those are ancient Satanic symbols meant to open a portal to Hell!”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Have you been sneaking into my room and reading my books? Bitch.”

Milly grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “That’s not important right now! Oh my god, this is bad!”

I shrugged. MeeMaw always said that a situation was only shitty if you made it shitty, and I thought those symbols were pretty. It wasn’t like the average person could read them anyway, and I told Milly so.

“MeeMaw was senile!” Milly shouted. “Everyone knew that!”

“Fuck off, Milly! MeeMaw was a badass!”

All things aside, that Tweety Bird cult leader had some artistic talent. I bet if she opened up a tattoo shop in the city she’d make lots of money. Milly didn’t agree, but I ignored her. Milly rarely agreed with me on anything.

I tinkered with the lock a bit until it came undone with a snap and a jangle. My sister rushed to my side and she looked at the lock nervously, as if fearful that the noise was going to make Tweety Bird and the others come running.

When a moment passed and there was no sound of Death rushing towards us, I dared creep open the door. It opened with a horrible creak and we both winced, but when nothing happened, we took off running for an escape.

Well, I was going for a leisurely stroll because I wasn’t particularly athletic, but Milly grabbed my hand and made me run with her.

She wanted to look for Tony, but I think we both knew deep down that Tony was dead. Well, I said it out loud but Milly started sobbing so I kind of took it back. But I guess she could tell I wasn’t being genuine and she started ugly sobbing even uglier.

God, I’m glad I don’t look like that when I cry.

We hadn’t encountered anyone in our mad dash to the nearest exit and beyond, and I thought that was kind of lucky. But then an axe came at us from the left, and I thought that was kind of unlucky.

Milly screamed as an awfully cliché looking man with an axe came barreling out of the woodwork, and I twisted to the side to avoid a particularly vicious hack at my arm.

It was at that moment that I knew I fucked up.

I fell into a rose bush.

Which hurt like hell because I was pretty much naked, but I wasn’t worried about that. I was more worried about the thorn in my ass.

And I’m not talking about the rose bush.

“Milly!” I shouted as my sister fell on her ass and then scrambled away from her would be killer. “Get up and run, you moron!”

As I worked to untangle myself from the stupid nest of thorns—that was the real Satan here, if you asked me. Have you ever gotten a thorn in your hoo-ha?!—Milly ran out into the treeline and left me there.

What a bitch.

And then she came running back with three more guys chasing her. 

Bitch.

Having since untangled myself from the bush, I grabbed Milly’s shaking hand as we backed up against a tree. I could think of better ways to go—cradled in Johnny Depp’s arms as he cursed at the Heavens was one of my Top Five—but I guess this was alright.

MeeMaw used to say that if the Universe always gave us what we wanted, I’d be a little bitch and she wouldn’t have saggy tits. Again, MeeMaw was a fucking badass.

Milly curled into my shoulder with a sob as the men approached and I braced myself for the feeling of being hacked to death, but then shotgun fire rang out.

It was Jimmy and Tony. Go figure.

Both guys shot at the cultists a few times until they were nothing but a bloody mess on the floor. Seemingly safe for a few moments, Milly threw herself at Tony for a tearful makeout session and when Jimmy expected the same, I held my hand up for a high-five.

He looked disappointed that I didn’t want to tongue fuck his throat. But I think he’d be more disappointed at his lack of teeth when Mike got a hold of him if he caught wind of it even being a thought in the guy’s head.

I guess it’s my fault though for leading Jimmy on.

After Milly and Tony reacquainted themselves with each other’s tonsils, Tony urged us to get a move on to avoid the other bat-shit crazies back at the house. They already knew we were gone, so it was only a matter of time before they found us again. Therefore, it was time to go.

Jimmy wanted to go back and finish them off, but Jimmy was fucking crazy and we all looked at him like he was an idiot.

Which he was.

And so we took off running.

We must have run for a few miles, or maybe like thirty meters, until we hit the road and amazingly caught some cell phone reception. Tony wanted to call the local police, but Milly—in a stroke of genius she was known for—suggested we call the city police. She thought the local police were in cahoots with the cult because that’s how these things usually go.

Tony thankfully listened to her, and within a half hour the place was swarming with city police, SWAT, and the FBI. They covered us all with blankets and gave us some hot cocoa in Styrofoam cups as the SWAT team disappeared into the tree line.

Within moments, the pleasant sound of gunfire rang through the night before they came back an hour later.

Despite cuddling up to her ‘hero’ boyfriend, Milly made it a point to sit next to me and hold my hand. After a few moments of comforting silence, I really couldn’t help myself.

“Well, that was eventful,” I said, taking a sip from my hot drink. “Think we’ll be on TV?”

“Oh my god, Ellie,” Milly rolled her eyes. “We could have died!”

“But did you?” I asked.

“What?”

“Did you die?”

“Well, no, but—“

“Okay, then. Stop your bitchin’.”

My name’s Ellie. I’m 20 years old. I have a twin sister named Milly. I’m a fucking barista at Starbucks with a bullshit degree in Anthropology. I got some cool Satanic tattoos in a cabin in the woods where my sister and I almost died, and I don’t give a fuuuucckkk.

Nora Reads HS Part 68

Pages 6154-6184

Hey guys! Some quick background on why I’ve been a little scarce: I’ve mentioned a personal project that’s been eating into my free time, and that is... dun dun dun, a custom 5e D&D campaign I’m running IRL! The campaign is just starting, so I’m in the phase where I’m planning out a lot of details and building locations, etc. What that means is that sometimes I’ll need to take little breaks from liveblogging to work on the game, and other times, I’ll put D&D to the side to focus on liveblogging! I haven’t disappeared or anything like that, and once the campaign really gets going, my need to take short breaks should ease off. No need to worry! I am here and ready to find out what’s up with this robot bunny that young Bro has built Jane. *Seinfeld music* Does the auto responder have a connection to it the way he has a connection to the brobot? Does it fight with Jane? Is it... touchy feely?

Let’s... find out. Eurgh.

*click*

Poor poppop's severed head got nicked by the FIREPLACE POKER.

OH SHIT. I’m so accustomed to seeing damaged eyes that it didn’t really register the first time I looked at this panel. Is this Hussie teasing us with the idea of a Poppopsprite? Because I would be PERFECTLY OK with that eventuality. Circumstantial simultaneity.

Also, damn, check out all those Astaires.

Jane: Put head back.

You stick the poker down his neck hole and jam the head back on the spike as a temporary measure. That looks somewhat more respectable you guess.

THE PERFECT CRIME.

Looks like the troublemaker's father is calling.

That choice of language is weird and it’s skeeving me out. I DUN LIKE IT. On the other hand, yay, more kidchat! Or... robokid chat?

KID SIGHTING. And... well, he looks exactly as expected. He appears to be standing on the roof of his building, surrounded by... fucking... are those doves?

TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear. TT: Are you in danger?

...I... it’s gotta be Snoop Dogg Huggy Bear, right?

TT: I disabled the AR for now. GG: Ok. Just making sure! GG: Jake was having some issues with it earlier, and I don't think he received its obfuscating tendencies in the humorous spirit intended. TT: Yes, I'm catching up with the situation now. GG: Oh, so you're talking to Jake then? TT: Nah. Just reading their chat logs.

Why does this seem weird and intrusive if the ‘AR’ is basically fucking him? (Haa haa.)

TT: Its demeanor leaves something desired though. I'd prefer it didn't make such aggressive and repeated claims of fidelity to my persona. TT: Be misrepresentin' hells of key subtleties, yo.

‘Subtleties’. Sure.

TT: Jake needs to be more skeptical. Rather than take a Pollyanna jackknife ass-first off whatever turnip truck is blowing through town that day, he's got to apply more critical reasoning to shit. TT: I keep telling him. TT: I keep telling him, dude, you got to be more like Jane. GG: These lectures I presume are roughly similar in complexion to those I'm familiar with? GG: Those wherein I have, and I quote, "got to be more like Jake?" TT: Yes, exactly. TT: You're finally fucking getting it. GG: I sincerely doubt that I am! TT: Said the stubborn skeptic, skeptically. GG: Let's not talk about my "issues" again, shalln't we?

Alright then. Young Bro is apparently trope savvy, so let’s see what tropes we can apply to him, so far. A: a fair few.

TT: Shalln't? TT: That ain't a thing to say, even for you. GG: Shush! GG: The word shalln't escape my vocabulary any longer, just as you SHALLN'T nitpick my language! That's my turf you're on, buster. TT: Alright. Kinda don't care.

WOW, what a jackass.

GG: What were you saying? TT: About what? Jake?

Careful, Strider, your crush is showing.

GG: About leaving the responder on! TT: Yeah. TT: Anyway, I kind of owe it to him to let the program run as often as possible. GG: Jake? TT: No. TT: The responder.

AHAHAHAHA. Yeah, this is going to get mined for drama later, isn’t it? Normally I’d be fucking allergic to the idea of a teen love n-gon, having experienced enough of them in YA fiction to make me sick, but then, this is Hussie. It’ll be amusing if nothing else.

(IF LITTLELONDE IS THE ONE TO END UP WITH JAKE I WILL SHIT. I might actually ship it??)

TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate cerebral duplicate of myself. TT: You don't just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations. TT: That'd be sick.

That’s a charitable view to have toward an AI, and I’m going to remember this moment in case he reneges on his words later.

TT: Also. TT: The more the software runs, the broader and more detailed its experiential canopy becomes. Makes for a better dialogic partner. GG: Dialogic? GG: Are you saying you have conversations with your own auto-responder? TT: Of course. TT: Why do you think I made the thing? GG: Hrm, that's interesting. GG: I guess I always thought it was just a really elaborate gag! TT: It's that too.

Let me guess; the gag lies in the enormity of the narcissism involved in valuing yourself as the best possible dialogic partner, and is somehow tied up in ‘the ironies’.

God, what an insufferable prick. I think I would like him better if he were charming. Rose, for example, can get away with quite a lot by virtue of her rapier wit. What’s interesting to me, though, is that the most intelligent character in any work of fiction can only be as intelligent as the author. Rose and Doc Scratch were conduits for Hussie to show off his sense of humor and sesquipedalian loquaciousness, but Bro might be his chance to show off his raw intellect.

OH MY GOD JANE, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. <3 And what the hell is the rabbit doing?

GG: Sometimes your sense of humor seems more impenetrably advanced than your robotics. I'll never understand this tapestry of irony you weave.

Replace ‘honor’ with ‘irony’.

GG: Maybe I'm just stuck in the dark ages of pranksterism with my funny mustaches corny old joke book. TT: Yes, you are. But that's fine. TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive.

WOW SUCK MY DICK. How can you even be mean to Jane.

TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid.

So... adult!Dave is still all about irony post-Scratch, and Bro claims to have gotten his shtick from him, instead of the other way around, but... he thinks Dave’s work was stupid?? This is infuriatingly circular.

GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?

I AM SO HERE FOR FAMOUS DAVE, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

TT: No way. He's awesome. TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success. TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation. GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!

Wow, yet another Sburb process the post-Scratch kids are inexplicably aware of. Does Bro know the actual nature of their relationship? Because that’s got to be weird and squicky in a Freaky Friday parent-kidswap kind of way. Maybe... Did Dave tell him all this stuff about the game, and Rose told LittleLonde, and that’s why Jane is still in the dark? Because Dad wasn’t a player???

IT ALL MAKES SENSE! :D

If Dave and Rose remember the game and their other lives, that would explain the continued existence of SBaHJ without adult!Bro’s awful comics to inspire him! And maybe they were the ones to encourage this troll friendship the Scratch kids have got going on! It would seem to run counter to the previous example we have in the troll ancestors, who didn’t recall game details after their Scratch, but it’s not exactly a game-breaking retcon to have the humans remember.

I still wonder why Jade would make all that Lord English-themed stuff, if she knew he was an evil motherfucker, but ah well. At least we know why she was so adamant about engaging “”Betty Crocker”” in corporate warfare!

TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that.

WHATEVER, HE LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU.

...LITERALLY.

GG: Flaws?? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable. GG: Unless your name is Jake English.

AHAHAHA.

TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words.

Consider them marked. And knowing Hussie, it’ll be played for drama just as much as laughs.

TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark. TT: To perfect the art of irony.

UGH. Improve upon his methods by “”applying reason”’, as if, had Dave only been just a little bit smarter, just a bit more logical, he’d have told better jokes?? Bro’s one of those “let me play devil’s advocate, if I may” douchebags, isn’t he. He should’ve had a fedora on his shirt.

...OH MY GOD HE HAS THE KATANA TOO, IT’S PERFECT.

TT: It's just like what you're doing with the work of your ancestor. You are striving to perfect his hokey vaudeville bullshit, or something. TT: You seek the Zen of a pie to the face. The Tao of falling the fuck down.

Alright, that one’s actually funny.

TT: Can't fool me. You take your shit as serious as I do. TT: And if I wasn't serious about it, I wouldn't have made you that rabbit. Then where the hell would you be?

Still literally homestuck, if with an intact grandfather-son. But you don’t gotta be a fuckin’ prick about it.

Whoa, they’re not doves, they’re seagulls! Not unheard of, that close to Galveston. Also, the sky is lovely and blue. I would expect the post-Scratch Earth to be more of a crapsack world, a la post-Scratch Alternia, so this is interesting. Maybe it’s just because it’s Fall?

GG: Well, aside from thousands of dollars in corpse-repair richer, I can't say.

Ahahaha. Fuckin’ tell ‘im, Jane.

TT: Has he been sleeping in the old man hollow again? Shit, that's adorable. GG: I can think of cuter places for him to sleep, frankly! TT: Yeah, bullshit. TT: He's just being instinctive. In the wild, he would gut a carcass and sleep inside for warmth, as well as to secure tactical advantage for ambushing would-be scavengers. GG: Oh, please.

UGHH I AM QUICKLY APPROACHING MY LIMIT FOR DOUCHERY.

On a side node, what is the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

(What do you mean, an African or a European tauntaun?)

GG: Anyway, property damage and desecration to cherished elders aside, Mr. Bear has been a lovely addition to the family. TT: You haven't renamed him yet? GG: Oh... no. GG: I keep forgetting I'm supposed to! TT: You've got to fucking rename him. Or change him to a girl if you want. That was important. TT: When pets change owners they get new names. Fact. GG: Sorry.

Ok not only is that patently untrue, but I swear to god if this asshat keeps being rude to Jane, I will TURN THIS FUCKING COMIC AROUND.

GG: I will name him right now! GG: How about Lil' Sebastian? TT: Fuck if that isn't the best name a thing could get. GG: Yeah!!!

HALF MAST IS TOO HIGH.

GG: So then, are you saying Mr. Sebastian here was an ironic present? GG: Relayed strictly for guffaws?? >:B TT: Yes, but it's not that simple. There were many layers involved. TT: Some of them are literal layers, of metal and plush. GG: Huh? TT: There's a real stuffed rabbit beneath its exoskeleton. GG: What! Really? :O TT: Yeah. TT: It belonged to my bro. GG: I thought you said you didn't have such an heirloom to complete the plushie trifecta? TT: I didn't. He didn't give it to me, and never intended to bequeath it. TT: I stole it.

Huh. So, like Dave’s gift to John in the pre-Scratch universe is the “original” bunny, having at that point taken no trips through time, so the bunny inside Lil’ Sebastian is the post-Scratch universe’s original. Why did adult!Dave have it in his possession? He didn’t give it... to... 

Oh. Con Air came out in 1997, and John died in 1995. So he bought it and kept it as a keepsake, in memory of his departed friend, only to have Bro steal it. For a good cause, yeah, but still. :’(

GG: Ooh. Risky! TT: Nah. I got a little help from RL and ganked it out of his museum. TT: It's this whole "priceless" collection of stupid shit from movies, defended like Fort Knox. Ironically of course.

PROBABLY NOT IRONICALLY, YOU JACKANAPES.

GG: So it's from a movie? TT: Ever hear of Con Air? GG: Nope. GG: Wait... GG: Wasn't that some bit of action schlock from the 90's? TT: Yes. GG: Some of the silly nonsense referenced in his work was well before my time. I don't have the wherewithal to investigate all this minutia. TT: Yeah, it doesn't matter really. But it was from that. Dude weirdly obsessed over that shit movie for years, among others.

Awww, noooo, he's sad about John!! D:

GG: That does sound a tad obsessive. Wasn't he furious about your burglary? TT: Pretty sure he didn't even notice. In years since, I never saw a news story about a "daring heist" or anything. I feel like he would have made some hay outta that. TT: And if he did know, he'd probably just want to give me a stoic fist bump or something. 

Maybe, but probably not for the reason you think.

TT: Like I said, there are layers. TT: On one level, I gave you a filthy tattered piece of shit, albeit of tremendous cultural significance, manhandled by some old B movie actors, now candy coated to function as a highly practical defender droid for your personal protection. TT: On another level, I needed to incorporate something passable as a real heirloom. TT: For sentimental reasons. GG: D'awwwww. GG: Wait, real sentiment, or ironic sentiment? GG: Or is there no difference?? Am I missing the point here? TT: No, it was genuine.

So he’s not completely without a heart, even if it is, to quote him directly, a filthy tattered piece of shit.

TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity. And if the satirical practice is executed faithfully it will achieve something bona fide in its own right regardless. TT: Through an intense commitment bordering on religious devotion to the absolutely inane, absurd, or plain fucking stupid, a very different kind of sincerity begins to materialize. One of reverence to the ridiculous. You begin to "mean it," but what exactly it is you mean is never quite what appears on the surface, and is utterly inaccessible to obtuse and literal minds. That you "mean it" then becomes inseparable from the joke, and additional rich strata of humor may be stripped aggressively from this irreconcilable truth.

I’m torn. On the one hand, I want to reach through my monitor and punch this kid in the face. On the other, even I can recognize that this is basically Andrew Hussie sock-puppeting his own ironic ideals. It’s just somehow more insufferable when Bro says it.

GG: I have so much to learn. And I am not even saying that "ironically!" GG: Will you teach me your ways one day, sir? Perhaps an apprenticeship will open? TT: Oh god, I'd love that. TT: Consider the position yours for the taking any time. Feel free to approach and kneel before Cal. With my sword and his floppy mitten, you will receive my flashstep anointment shoulder to shoulder, and to shoulder again.

UUUGHHHH. His head’s stuck up his own ass, but at the very least, he does seem to be sincere about enjoying teaching people things.

JESUS RABBIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. If it’s really got a mind of its own, then it’s like a hyper-competent dog with a sword. If you don’t walk it or play with it enough, it starts destroying things. LIKE SOMEONE I KNOW. *stares down the dog*

GG: Lil' Seb is beginning to act out, and I must put his fidgetiness to constructive use!

‘Fidgitiness’, that’s putting it politely.

TT: Cool. TT: Jane, one more thing. TT: I'm sure you must be aware by now that you'll be the leader of our group, as you will be the first to enter the session. GG: Um, no? GG: This is news to me. I never gathered that "team leader" was a thing for this game. TT: Trust me. It's a thing.

Hmm. Frankly, it’s a little surprising to me that Bro would both know about the leader position, and willingly give it up. He seems like the kind of person who would want to be calling the shots, if for no other reason that he’s SOOO SMAAAART.

GG: Are you sure? I have my doubts. GG: I believe as a group we will have the temerity to succeed, without my having to order people around like an insufferable bossypants. TT: That's why you're our leader, Jane. GG: Hm? TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is an affect not everyone is plucky enough to be graced with. GG: That's stupid! TT: Yeah yeah. I know. TT: You're not our leader, you're our FRIEND, right? GG: Precisely! GG: There is a BIG difference! TT: And statements like that are also why you're our leader.

Whoa, whoa. So like... Bro and LittleLonde have certainly been privy to a lot of things they have no business knowing, which I’m still assuming was imparted to them by their troll friend or by Dave and Rose. But either that’s just an extremely coincidental call back to that exact conversation between Rose and John, or... Or I don’t know. It’s probably just him knowing her really well, and her being a lot like John and Bro being a lot like Rose. B...Brose?

TT: But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally. TT: If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.

Oh. Oh, wow. Never mind. You know what? I hope it all backfires spectacularly, so that the pre-Scratch kids can swoop in and save the day, while Bro looks on in stupefied wonder.

They wait, bitches.

GG: Oh yes? GG: Then this whole affair will be one of D. Strider's grand productions in puppetry?

Alright, so his name starts with D. Not all that many 4-letter male D names. Dean, Doug, Drew (ahaha), Dale, Dane, Dirk, Dion, Dann, Dill... Dick...

Also, ‘grand productions in puppetry’ makes me want to punch (and judy) something.

TT: I will be the unseen hand whose nimble digits are behind every subtle twitch in our session's bulbous foam ass. TT: At least those gyrations not happening by the volition of its own quivering absorbant proboscis. TT: If you ever need help, Jane. If you're ever in any trouble at all, let me know. Just say the word. TT: I'll whip the toggle stick of this ludicrous marionette, cavorting its humongous bottom to intercept your freefall through the abyss.

Well, that’s... sweet? I guess he’s saying he’s got good intentions, but still, I can see this (and am sort of rooting for it) to backfire horribly.

TT: Snowcone you up in the fluffy crook of its cleft. Don't be alarmed if you're in no hurry to unpry yourself. TT: For the great jut of this impudent rump has more yield to your touch than you ever dreamt. Remember to catch your breath as it cherishes the imprint of your hand like a memento from a lover gone to war. TT: There's a lot of give to that ass, you may say. TT: Might like to settle in. Make myself comfortable. Start a family. TT: Bounce a coin off that ass, you'll demand of visitors. It's not going anywhere. TT: Bet that coin'll take a good nap there. TT: It's a gamble you win every goddamn time. TT: Yeah.

I hate to use the same gif twice in one post, but...

GG: These lessons we talked about... GG: They've already begun, haven't they? :o TT: Jane, soon you'll believe what I've told you. TT: You'll believe it all. TT: It's just a shame that believing will take something so coarse as seeing, for a girl as sharp as you.

How biblical. What all exactly is he talking about? Game stuff? Betty Crocker stuff?

TT: Critical thought can lead one to accept the unlikely, just as much as dismiss the impossible. TT: I can help with this too. Would you like me to program a Jane Crocker responder for you? TT: I only require a simple captcha of your brain.

Alright, Doctor Fuckin’ Jekyll; let me just get right on that.

Wait, doesn’t DAVE have a captcha of his own brain? ...Oh no. Also, that means the auto responder isn’t n% indistinguishable from Bro just because it was programmed to be; it’s literally a copy of his brain. That’s kind of disturbing.

GG: Holy moly! GG: Um, thank you, but no. GG: I'm not ready to get dialogic with my cyberself just yet. My friends keep me busy enough as it is.

YES, JANE, THIS IS A GOOD ATTITUDE TO HAVE. KEEP IT UP.

GG: Speaking of which, I really need to go. I know you love to talk my ear off, and it's always a treat,

Pahahahaha.

but let's catch up later after the game starts, ok? GG: And if I do need your help, I promise I'll take you up on your offer! TT: I made several. Which one? GG: The one where you, hopefully not literally, offered to catch me in the crevice of a great big squishy butt! Hoo hoo hoo!

I fucking love this kid. She’s a little more assertive than John so far, though she’s also less mean-spirited. What will it be like when they meet? Can’t wait to find out! :D

Jane: Command Sebastian to lift fridge.

You order dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He is eager to assist, and lifts the appliance with ease.

Y’know, I was about to say something like, ‘how the hell is that tiny little robot supposed to lift the’ but then he did it. Welp. that certainly makes for a convenient escape route! After all this trouble Dad went through to keep Jane inside, she’s not going to get, like... sniped or something, is she?

He finds a note taped underneath the fridge. It seems to be addressed to you.

UGH I want to hate this bunny because Bro made it, but it is SO CUTE.

Fat chance, dad. This bird's gotta fly!!!

Jane, come ON, you’re courting danger now.

Never would have seen that one coming. (Jane, I’m about to throw a fridge through your wall.)

I like to imagine that the water pressure from the hose was at blasting power just before this panel, and drooped along with Dad’s confusion.

Jane: Throw down your hat in disgust.

Here it comes...

Wait for it...

You've been climbing your echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since you were 13. That was such a sweet textbook HAT POF, it earned you just enough to clear the next rung, FEDORAFLEDGLING. Nice going!

Huh, now this is a more interesting panel than you might think. First off, the mostly irrelevant details: Jane’s hat has what looks like a flag or a tag on it, instead of a feather, and her boondollar total is inching closer to 111,111,111 (damn, she’s rich). Now for the real meaty stuff.

The lowest level we can see on the echeladder, which, since the scrollbar is at the bottom, we can pretty safely assume to be the actual lowest level, is ‘Baby Ectobotananna’. This one took me a second to figure out, but then I realize it’s a combination of John’s ‘ectoBiologist’ and Jade’s ‘gardenGnostic’ via ‘botany’, and then ‘Nanna’.

Batterlass represents the obvious; she’s the heir to BCCorp, next in line after the Batterwitch.

‘Overbite Restart’, ha ha. John had ‘Overbite Upstart’.

‘Snorkbait Sporkplu’g, I have no idea, other than that it’s a call back to John’s ‘Sharkbait Sparkplug’.

‘Bespectacled Skeptic’ reflects what Bro was telling her, that she’s gotta believe more.

‘Haberdasher’s Daughter’, because Dad and hats.

‘Britches Healer’ connects back to the earlier rung ‘Britches Ripper’, and is either a reference to her being the Maid of Life, or else she just sews things a lot?

‘Sodajerk’s Confidante’ took a little digging, but it seems to be a Problem Sleuth reference.

‘Maid in the Shade’... this one’s interesting. It’s already lit up like she’s achieved the rung, and I wonder what prompted it. My first thought just looking at the name of it would be that she’d have to visit the Land of Wind and Shade, but obviously that has not happened. ...Unless she mysteriously achieved the rung shortly after her 13th birthday, when Nannasprite “”concurrently”” appeared in LOWAS.

‘Mourning Starlet’ is also a mystery. I get the pun, but who or what was she mourning? Her freedom? Poppop was long since dead, and her Dad is still alive.

The next rung up from the current ‘FedoraFledgling’ is ‘Heiress Sans Parent’ (a reference to John’s ‘Heir Transparent’), and if that isn’t leading, then... then... THEN I’LL THROW DOWN MY HAT! *levels up* Sadly, it looks like this Dad’s going to bite it too. T_T

And that’s all I’ve got for now!

The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils. The battle-hardened accessory reaches dizzying new heights, leapfrogging from the DOUCHEBAG'S DOMESUCKER rung, to the rare, highly coveted MARTYR'S PISSCRADLE rung.

This is because FedoraFreak tried to use his hat to strain his piss, isn’t it. Did we ever find out what happened to ol’ FF? Did he go god tier?

How can these things be so fast on land???

JESUS.

...Now, wait a second. Gamzee never spent much time with his lusus because it was always out at sea, and I assumed that was because it couldn’t come on land. But if it could, and it just didn’t want to...

Oh no, it's a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls! They are probably pissed off about the one you killed earlier. They have come for revenge!

Maybe the tinkerbulls and the goatdad will fight each other, allowing Jake to escape! Or... maybe the goatdad will follow in Gamzee’s footsteps and get all weirdly attracted to the tinkerbulls, and the tinkerbulls will get all shy and moe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY. HOW THEY EXACT THEIR POUND OF FLESH. OH GOD NO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

AHAHAHA, I love it.

> [S] ==>

Oh? Oho? What is this? *click*

...

This might just be the singular most beautiful moment in all of Homestuck. This is it. This is everything I’ve been waiting for. Everything I have ever wanted.

Nearby, someone or something bleats like a goat for strategic purposes. And also

Ironic purposes.

I can die happy now. Seriously, what was that, like, 3000 pages later?

Jane: Run.

The jig is so totally up. Nothing left to do but scurry your little legs to that box, snatch the mail and scram!

Ooh, are we going to get a strife? :D

God dammit, I love Dad so much. That his reaction to WORLD SHATTERING SHIT is just a mild ‘?’ and moving on just makes my fucking day.

Gasp!! He seems to be concerned about Jane being outside most of all! She’s totally gonna get sniped, isn’t she.

> [S] Jane: Get mail.

Wow, or that. I’m assuming Hussie’s pulling the whole ‘OH LOOK JOHN’S HOUSE EXPLODED, SURELY HE COULDN’T HAVE SURVIVED THAT’ thing again, but still, yikes. Poor Dad. :(

Also, if that ‘HOMESTUCK’ logo in the sky is an actual physical object like the words floating around Prospit and Derse are, can people see it? Does it spook the U.S. government? Have people been on manned missions to the Homestuck instead of the moon?

END OF ACT 6 ACT 1.

And that’s the end of this Act Act! (I think. I’m not gonna click that arrow just yet.) I know it makes for a short post, but I said I’d divide things up this way so that I didn’t get overwhelmed making an EOA reaction post for what is essentially half the comic, so there you have it! If you’d like, you can send me fanworks up through A6A1, though I warn you I’m still not done looking at all the stuff that got sent to me for A5A2.

Next up, Reactions, and then Act 6 Intermission 1! Or... maybe the other way around, if the Intermission deserves being included with A6A1′s impressions? We’ll see.

Until next time! ^0^

Vent

Ok I just need to vent and scream out into the void for a moment. 

Ok so after my religious services today, we went out to lunch with my inlaws. 

My father in law is a really awesome guy and I love and adore him. 

My mother in law. She’s the kind of perfect god fearing woman who is also self righteous, judgemental and opinionated. But the kind of opinionated that she feels that her opinion is the right opinion because it’s backed by the Bible kind of opinion. Also the kind of opinion that makes me feel inferior and glaringly imperfect and drives me to suicidal and self destructive tendancies becuase if I could just follow her example in being perfect, my problems would be solved and go away. And if I voice that, the problem is obviously with me and I should pray and draw closer to God and will earn me an earful of “council” that I would rather just slit my own throat than listen to. So I usually keep my mouth shut and grin and bear it and have as little to do with her as I possibly can. Anyway. 

Now her son, my husband, more often than not is an ass. He says he’s trying to be better but more and more the things that come out of his mouth would infuriate any woman and get his mouth slapped off. But I can not do this because I’m very, very dependant on him to take care of me because I’m chronically ill and literally can not take care of myself. I can’t hold down a job but I’m not sick enough to get any kind of disability or anything like that. So I’m stuck and trapped and I’m just trying to make the most of it and endure. So my husband, one of his personality traits is he’s BRUTTALLY honest. Like offensively so. Honesty is good but dear God, learn some humanity and tact and be a decent human being. Please. 

So we had an “incident” where he was brutally honest and tells me that he doesn’t like my smoked pulled pork. 

This crushed me and hurt my feelings. BECAUSE I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW EVERYONE ELSE LOVES MY PULLED PORK, MOST OF THE CONGREGATION AND ALL OUR FRIENDS AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY LOVES IT. My vegetarian friends break with being vegetarian to eat it. That’s how good we’re talking here. Because I brine it for 24 hours, marinate it for 12 and smoke for 16. IT’S GLORIOUS OK?! Like most BBQ joints don’t put nearly half the work into theirs that I put into mine. You don’t even need BBQ sauce, it’s that good. I have had DOZENS of people tell me that when I give them some, they don’t bother with sauce or anything. Everyone tells me I should go into business making it and our friends offer to buy it by the pound. (which is a giant compliment) I take A LOT of pride in how good my cooking is. 

But it’s not how his mother makes it so therefore he doesn’t like it. 

To be fair. My mother in law’s cooking ability is Paula Dean, with a side of Betty Crocker with Rachel Ray sprinkles and a Martha Stewart glaze. She can cook me under a table usually. My mother in law’s side of the family is all white from Missouri. I learned how to do a majority of my cooking from an older black couple from southern Mississippi. So we’re both southern cooks. Just different. (but give me a good day where I have the energy, and funds to really get the good ingredients, and my meal will be better than hers I guarentee it) But again, being chronically ill and having very little energy and stamina sucks so she wins usually.  

Now my husband is also the epitome of a picky eater. And the shitty thing about being married, much less being the wife of a husband who is a picky eater, is I can slave away all day on a meal, he can come home and take one sniff and go ‘I don’t like the smell of it, I’m not eating it’. With absolutely no regaurd for me at all. And if I’m “a good wife” I’ll smile apologetically and immediately whip up another dinner. 

After 15 years of marriage, I’ve learned to say ‘Oh hell the fuck naw, it’s delicious and if you dont’ want to eat it, you know where McDonalds is’. And my husband actually respects me more because I put my foot down and demand it. 

Now, back to my mother in law and the incident today. So my mother in law remarks that she started some pork for pulled pork and I casually mentioned that her son has voiced his opinion that he doesn’t care for mine and THEN SHE ASKED ME HOW MANY TIMES i’VE TRIED MAKING IT TO FIND OUT HOW HE LIKES IT SINCE THEN. And I huff a laugh and say ‘none, if he doesn’t like it, he can shut up and eat it or go to McDonalds’. Ya’ll you would have thought I just admitted that I started an affair and fucked another guy right there on the table with how my mother in law reacted. 

SOO ALLLL THROUGH LUNCH I GOT “COUNCILED” with a heavy dose of scripture mind you. ON HOW IT’S MY JOB TO CATER TO MY HUSBAND AND HIS LIKES AND TASTES AND MAKE HIM AS HAPPY I POSSIBLY CAN, THAT’S MY JOB AND HOW DARE I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF HIM. To the point her husband told her to shut up and drop it and leave it alone and my husband did the same only he literally laughed in his mother’s face and told his mother that he agreed with me that if he didn’t like it, he could shut up and eat it or go get himself a pizza and that there was nothing wrong with that because he knew everyone else loved my pulled pork and he could always just put on more BBQ sauce on it and he’d be fine. 

The way my mother in law looked at me though was as if she was condeming me to hell, like she was asking Satan the Devil himself to come to table to take me away right then and there because her shitty son isn’t the center of my universe. Because it’s her precious baby. Who’s a grown ass man and who EVERYONE has to admit is an ass and asshole and he will happily keep me home and not working because HEAVEN HELP HIM AND HEAVEN FORBID a better man comes along or I get suicidal again because he’s fucked and screwed because he’s absolutely helpless when it comes to housework and taking care of his own daughter by himself. I leave him alone with her for an afternoon while I go shopping and the few times I’ve done that, he can’t do it. He has to enlist the help of either his parents or mine so he doesn’t go crazy.   

So, we get back in the car on the way home and I groaned and my husband begged and pleaded to just ignore everything I just heard over lunch and to please reduce his mother’s words to just white noise. He may be an ass sometimes but today, he had my back and stood up to his mother for me.