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#Fitz's 'cooldeuhsack' had me cackle
bourbon-ontherocks · 3 years
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(Previously, on Season 4 (re)watch...)
Actually this was probably this season’s episode that I’ve found the most interesting so far? (although don’t get me wrong, the bar was abysmally low 😂)
I'm sorry but in what Universe "we haven't actually met" is a good opener to someone you did meet??? Dave is a lunatic
While writing a crime tutorial isn't exactly convincing proof that you did it, "I'm a mom" isn't either a convincing argument, Beth...
Whoopsie, forgot, but DRINK UP!!! I'm barely three minutes in, I can feel that my liver won't recover from that episode...
It's true that so far the show had forgotten to dumb down Stan... It's now crossed off the to-do list! But to be fair, no character on this show would think about looking for the key taped on the side first. Also what kind of errand is this??? I'm very confused.
And RIP Rio's favourite envelopes store... HOW DARE YOU INFLICT THIS ON MY BOY??????
Ugh, it's the whole "your husband won't like it" joke all over again... I mean, I found it funny the first time, now it's just old and previsible and boring...
I mean no offense to any Nevadan, but like, you have the opportunity to start over literally anywhere and you choose HENDERSON, NEVADA???? Beth, what is wrong with you?
"Just don't give up on me, okay?" I just -- WHY? Why does this show keep trying to sell us Dean while everyone's made it pretty clear that we're not interested??
All things aside, isn't that weird to wish to get buried in your parent's house?? Like !!???
Aaaaaand another pseudo-misunderstanding where the other shoe drops a few minutes later and OH MY GOD I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING THAT IT REALLY WAS ABOUT GARDENING WHAT A SURPRISE!!!!!! Seriously, this shows really needs to stop recycling its jokes.
Also, why do Beth and Annie have to make this ridiculous guessing games about the bomb? They're gonna do the purchase anyway, couldn't they wait ONE MINUTE to be back in the car and tell Ruby?
Pffffffft, well MAYBE IT'S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT THE METRIC SYSTEM HUH??????
I really like the idea that tournaments in Kalamazoo apparently last for weeks and everybody is okay with this...
WHY IS STAN RETRIEVING A PYTHON????? I NEED ANSWERS!
I mean, I do hope for Rio's sake that Beth is not his only side dish... Otherwise our boy has only fucked twice in one year (according to this! delirious! timeline!), and man, that's rough!
The way Americans pronounce cul-de-sac is properly hilarious
"I thought you were special" *giant shrug emoji/Pikachu face* "I'm a mom" DRINK UP!!! I legit giggled at this line, it makes no fucking sense
Rio's LOUD and weary sigh as he settles in his stool is such an allegory of how I feel about Beth myself, it's beyond psychic
Ooooh, Rio's back on this weird kink of his to speak only in unknown nursery rhymes, huh?? Can somebody explain to me what "minue in the sack never take it back" means??????
Okay, I'm actually lost. Beth has made it very clear in season 2 that she DID find her suburban mom life excruciating. But here she's manipulating Rio into believing she's on his side? So that she can go back to this life? So does she like it or not?
Oh wait, I actually know the answer to this one: SHE'S A MOM! BAZINGA!
Man, Rio's cockiness to the idea that he's enough of a big criminal to see his associate get full witness protection package is hilarious. Rio x his ego is the biggest OTP in this show
HIS HAND LINGERED ON HER ARM AND I COMBUSTED AND EVAPORATED
Also, how does this bar make ANY money if Rio offers bottles around like that?
WHY DID SHE KILL THE BUTTERFLY????? I MEAN I GET THE METAPHOR BUT POOR POOR BUTTERFLY...
So Jane tried to turn the TV on during all the time Fitz took to eat his apple while Rio was in the bar convincing some dude to impersonate him???? Jesus, this show really does not get the concept of time, hahaha!!! Or possibly I don’t get the concept of montage lol!
I'm really concerned about the Boland kids, though, between Dean's lazy permissiveness and Beth blatantly lashing out at them, I just... ugh, these kids are NOT starting well in life. And Jesus, Dean really SUCKS at parenting!
So you want to make me believe that Rio didn't run even a BASIC background check on Fitzpatrick and just blindly followed Beth's directions? While she's been notoriously untrustworthy??
Oh wait. If he knew that the guy was trying to murder him, he probably also knew that he wasn't Dave. Calling him that right before killing him was probably a test. Or maybe he’s just an idiot.
So I guess little Emma/Jane will start taking cello lessons soon huh?? Because that's what Beth does when she kills a parent, right? Hanging out with their kids?
Oh snap, I forgot. Fitzpatrick can't die. He's a parent™.
Why aren't the girls trying to find a state where they can move altogether? They're way too codependant to go separately, I won't buy it.
I'm sorry did I miss an episode? Why did they need new plates? What happened to Lucy's ones?
I love how Beth's incredulous "Really?" echoes the "I am?" from ep 1 or 2, like she's so used to Rio playing cold it always comes out as a surprise when he doesn't, haha!
See?? Even cellmates don't want to be with Dean! Poor guy's really hated lol!
Oh wait before I forget: WHERE THE FUCK IS MICK??????
Bonus: Either Fitzpatrick has a very big gun at his waistband, either... well, honestly I don't know what's happening here 😂
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Bonus 2: Obviously I won’t leave you smurfless for another week and a half! Have this footage of smurf!Rio about to kill Smurfpatrick. With Au-Jus because why not.
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