PURPLE HEARTS, 2022.

SOFIA CARSON & NICHOLAS GALITZINE ↳ Purple Hearts 2022, dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

Purple Hearts (2022)

If your romantic drama, comedy, etc. contains a line similar to “In reality, marriage is really just a pointless legal arrangement that turns lovers into enemies”, don't be surprised if your audience hates your movie. While Purple Hearts has likeable performers, their characters are insufferable. The movie spends so much time with them at each others’ throats you’ll check out long before the forced romance sparks to life.

Recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, aspiring singer/songwriter Cassie Salazar (Sofia Carson) can either afford her medication or her rent but not both. While bartending, she meets Luke Morrow (Nicholas Galitzine), a newly recruited U.S. Marine about to be deployed in Iraq. He does not have the money to pay his drug debts to his former dealer, Johnno (Anthony Ippolito). Though they mix like oil and water, they agree to get married to benefit from the bonuses offered to military couples.

Luke makes a terrible first impression. He and his marine buddies stomp into the frame making misogynist jokes, he comes off as massively entitled, plus he’s got this substantial debt he’s dragging Cassie and/or his family into. Conversely, you sympathize with Cassie, whose turd of a boss cuts off her band after exactly two songs, is going to die if she doesn’t get her medication, is living in a run-down apartment and is on the “right side” of every modern-day issue. The problem immediately is that seeing her hang a Black Lives Matter flag, combined with some insensitive comments the marines make about Arabs makes you think Luke is the kind of bro who would’ve participated in the 2021 United States Capitol attack. Them falling in love is inconceivable.

As the film progresses, your sympathy for Cassie vaporizes. Her mother suggests she move back in with her. Cassie refuses - instead opting to enter a fake marriage followed by a divorce once Luke returns home. I’m not saying defrauding the government makes you dislike her, I’m saying she comes off as too stubborn for her own good. As an aspiring musician, she says she would rather struggle with her art than “punch the clock at a soul-sucking job making the rich richer”. Well. Would you rather die?

So what if Luke is brave by enlisting and putting his life at risk? In her mind, he's a dude-bro and doesn't deserve the time of day. In fact, when an injury sends him home, she still insists on him sleeping on the couch while she takes the bed. She’s a caricature of a feminist, determined not to depend on any man for any reason whatsoever and practically gags at the mention of the word “husband”.

You’ll be sitting on the couch with your significant other, getting madder and madder. That's what nearly two hours of people constantly arguing will do to you. Then, there will be a couple of scenes that prove the actors have decent chemistry. Nicholas Galitzine is handsome, he can even be charismatic. As for Sofia Carson, her character performs a few covers and several original songs throughout the film. Every time she sings, she’s pretty great. I could even see some of the numbers becoming minor hits. It doesn’t sound like much but these are enough to make you imagine a film with these people that might be nice to watch.

Purple Hearts mentions many hot-button issues and modern topics but none are ever addressed. Instead, the film indulges in oversentimentality (bet you can foresee what happens to Chosen Jacobs right away) and contrivances at every opportunity - anything to make us forget we don’t like the protagonists. No one could watch Purple Hearts and feel the warm fuzzies afterward. (July 31, 2022)

Title: Aquamarine

Rating: PG

Director: Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

Cast: Emma Roberts, JoJo, Sara Paxton, Jake McDorman, Arielle Kebbel, Claudia Karvan, Bruce Spence, Tammin Sursok, Roy Billing, Julia Blake, Shaun Micallef, Lulu McClatchy, Natasha Leigh, Dichen Lachman, Lincoln Lewis, Matthew Okine, Regis Broadway

Release year: 2006

Genres: fantasy, comedy, romance

Blurb: Two teenage girls discover that mermaids really do exist after a violent storm washes one ashore. The mermaid is determined to prove to her father that real love exists, and enlists the girls' help in winning the heart of a handsome lifeguard.

Sneakerella (2022)

My rating: 2/10

So not only is this Product Placement: The Movie, it's also being the most white-bread, disingenuous, bland piece of shit imaginable about it. This is nothing. This is a 2 hour long commercial for a shoe that doesn't even exist.

 Purple Hearts

Purple Hearts (2022) Review

Purple Hearts (2022) Review

When troubled Marine Luke and struggling singer-songwriter Cassie agree to marry for the benefits the military brings, it was never going to be plain sailing when quite frankly they didn’t even like each other. ⭐️ (more…)

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"I was named Aquamarine after a rare and precious gemstone, whereas… Cecilia translated means 'dim-sighted.' But your parents know you better than I do." AQUAMARINE (2006), dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

AQUAMARINE 2006, dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

Did you know you can hear the ocean through these? Well, it works both ways. The ocean can hear you, too.

AQUAMARINE (2006) dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

SOFIA CARSON & NICHOLAS GALITZINE ↳ Purple Hearts 2022, dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

Sofia Carson and Nicholas Galitzine as CASSIE SALAZAR & LUKE MORROW Purple Hearts (2022), Dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

RAMONA AND BEEZUS (2010) dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

PURPLE HEARTS 2022, dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

AQUAMARINE (2006) directed by Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum

PURPLE HEARTS (2022) dir. Elizabeth Allen Rosenbaum