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tenshidayo · 2 years

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Satsuriku no Tenshi: 6th Anniversary Q&A, Part II – [Translated]

Part One

Interviewer: All right, next question. This person didn’t enter his/her name so I will just read the question: “Makoto Sanada-sensei, what did you enjoy the most while making Satsuriku no Tenshi?

Sanada: I think this applies to every episode, but with game development... When you’re near the final stages of development, for example in the final stage of development of episode 1, and you start to see the general structure of the story, you can start to tweak things.

Sanada: “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that” or “Maybe we should change this expression,” you can start to see things like that very clearly. And everything is fun to do in those stages of the development process. It's just so fun to work towards the final build.

Sanada: In episode 1 we entered that fun period when we were trying to figure out what to do in the bathtub scene. It was also when we were trying to decide what to do with the rest of the game. It was so fun. We were like children playing in water. We had a lot of those kinds of moments.

TL Note: I have no idea what scene she’s referring to here because I don’t recall any bathtubs featured until Rachel’s floor in episode 4 of the game. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Interviewer: While we were chatting away, Nazuka-sensei kept drawing.

Nazuka: It would have been bad if I messed up, so I was drawing very carefully.

Interviewer: Thank you for the beautiful illustrations.

Sanada: Thank you very much.

Interviewer: With that being said, those were half the questions. The last questions will be asked after the live script-reading. I heard you wrote the scripts and even edited the video for this script-reading.

Sanada: Oh, yes. I got to write the script and edit the video this time around. But with a script like this one, which will be read out loud, you have to use different expressions and methods that don’t come up in games or anime to tell the story. So I had to change some missions and I also added some scenes. And I hope you guys enjoy it.

Sanada: Oh, right, as for the video editing... I also did the video editing this time around. It was quite difficult, but the acting of the voice actors was so great.

TL Note: After the script-reading...

Interviewer: As we enter this second part of the Q&A I still can’t shake off this feeling of excitement.

Sanada: Did everyone enjoy it? The voice acting is amazing so I wanted to bring my... Oops I just stuttered. I wanted to bring my A game. But It would make me really happy if everyone enjoyed it.

Interviewer: Nazuka-sensei, how was it?

Nazuka: I’ve never seen a “play” like this. The acting, voices and gestures of the actors... They were giving it their all. We also had Sanada-sensei’s illustrations, appearance and music. It felt like everything had come together in a completed work. It brought back memories of when we were making the manga.

Sanada: I was also able to jump back in with a new and refreshing perspective, so I really made sure to spend as much time as I could on the script and the editing process. It was very refreshing for me. I’m so glad you guys enjoyed it.

Nazuka: You were able to handle all the script writing, the video editing and music editing by yourself. Sanada-sensei, you really can do anything!

Sanada: No way, not at all. I was very desperate while making it.

Nazuka: I think you’re amazing.

Sanada: I was really desperate. I was just thinking “Aaaaaah!” the whole time. “Aaaaah!” I’m really glad you liked it.

Interviewer: Now, let’s resume the Q&A with our last 10 questions before ending with the autograph session. Now, from the username Sui: “This question is for both of you. What floor are you most attached to?”

Sanada: What floor am I most attached to? Let’s see, episode 1 and 4 are the first and last so I had a lot of energy when I was making them. But I had the most fun while making episode 2’s B3 floor. The story is bolder and it also has some silly elements. We get to delve into Zack's past and we also get to see some signs of growth from Rachel. It’s the most memorable section of the story. I also tried to include some of these elements in the live script-reading we just did.

Interviewer: This floor also embodied a whirlwind of Cathy’s resolutions as a character. This question was for the both of you.

Interviewer: Nazuka-sensei, what was the most memorable floor for you?

Nazuka: I mean, I have good memories of all of them, but the one that stuck to me the most after we finalized the manga adaptation of the original story would be Floor B1.

Nazuka: I have good memories of every floor. Even with Cathy’s floor... I just remember how happy I was while drawing B1. Every floor was truly wonderful, so every single one is memorable to me.

Sanada: The floors in the manga were also amazingly fascinating. Every time I got to see the script and the drawings I would go like: “Wow this is amazing! Amazing!”

Nazuka: It was possible because of how amazing the original game was. And because of its inherent power. Adapting the manga was a challenge. I was frantically fussing over each little panel. haha. I really was.

Sanada: Thank you very much.

Nazuka: No, thank you. Interviewer: Let’s move onto the next question, it’s from the username Hinatan: “What scenes did you find most difficult to make while working on the game or drawing the manga?” This question is also for the both of you.

Sanada: I guess I have mentioned this in other places but I think I'll stick with it. Episode 3 was really hard to make. It gets really dark at that point in the game and the difficulty also shoots up. It also gets progressively hard to understand the overall story. Also, I ran into some problems in the middle of it and had to rewrite most of the dialogue.

Sanada: We also get to experience some hallucinations so I had to change gears and create a different aesthetic. Like with the witch trial, I had a really hard time making that. But what finally got me through that “slump” was rewriting the dialogue.

Sanada: Previously, Zack and Rachel would not have had any dialogue at the start of the episode. I had actually planned on having a really silent Zack at the beginning of the episode, and we would go from there, but that was too gloomy. It got much better once I decided to add dialogue there and I decided to change most of the lines.

Sanada: Actually, Gray’s dialogue was the one I had to change the most. This might sound a bit weird, but it took a while before Gray’s character opened up to me. I mean, I kind of knew Gray’s way of thought and what he wanted to achieve. I mean... how should I say this...?

Sanada: I knew it in my brain, but understanding was hard. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? Those were the hardest things to explore. Conversely, I was recently thinking of Episode.0 and I realized that Gray’s thoughts and feelings were not as complicated as I had pinned them out to be. I finally felt that I had understood him. Even to this day I’m still making new discoveries about this character, but I had a really tough time with him back then.

Interviewer: I guess that even as the creator, you can never really know how deep the rabbit hole can go.

Sanada: He’s extremely, well... I guess he’s not that old. But he’s older, a senior, if you would say. What do you call them? It’s not a “dandy” man, what do you call old people? Wasn’t there a good word for this in English?

Interviewer: A “nice middle.”

Sanada: That’s it! He’s kind of like a nice middle.

TL Note: I’ve never heard of this slang before, but it’s a Japanese slang word that refers to attractive or nice middle-aged men.

Interviewer: What about you Nazuka-sensei? What was the most difficult part of drawing the manga?

Nazuka: I also drew lots of fan books but... I also struggled the most with Gray’s floor. This applies to the whole game, but when you’re playing the game you get to move Zack or Rachel around. That movement is something you can only get from the game, and I struggled on how to convert that point of view into the manga pages. Gray’s floor is full of hallucinations and fantastic elements. It had many such elements and converting that scenery into a monochrome manga was the most difficult thing for me.

Sanada: A lot of games just assault your eyes with shiny things and stuff like that.

Nazuka: That’s right.

Sanada: But thank you so much for drawing the manga.

Nazuka: No, thank you. But I did struggle and I had to ask a lot of advice from my supervisor with Gray’s floor. Sanada: If I remember correctly, you drew that scene in the with trials with the water where Rachel received her punishment. It was drawn amazingly. In the game, the water is actually really shallow but you drew it deeper.

Nazuka: Right, in the manga I tried to show how dangerous that scene was. And how much of a pinch the characters were in. I was thinking of how to relay that tension on the page. I did my best to reflect those emotions.

Interviewer: Thank you both for your answers. Now let’s move onto the next question from the username Upiko: “Hello Makoto-sensei and Kudan-sensei. This is my question: What kind of job would you have wanted to do if you didn’t choose your current professions? I love everything, the game and the manga alike, thank you for hosting this wonderful event.”

Sanada: Let’s see... What job would I have wanted to do? I was still working in my previous company while I developed Kirigame ga Furu Mori. But before that, I had another job that I really liked. I liked the people and the work itself. I actually wanted to keep working there, but one day the company actually went under. And Game Magazine had contacted me around that time. Of course, at first I didn’t intend to quit my job, but the company went under and I remember that after several meetings at that company, they told us they were going under and I was like: “What?!”

Sanada: Of course, I went to “Hello Work” and they showed me some advertising jobs.

TL Note: Hello Work is the Japanese Public Employment Security Office.

Sanada: I was thinking of doing some photography-related work so I looked around for a while. But I wouldn’t have had the time once the serialization of Satsuriku no Tenshi began. Now that I think about it, it just worked out this way. But I do have a lot of interest in different jobs.

Interviewer: Just like in Satsuriku no Tenshi, before you could even realize it, you were already in the basement of the building.

Sanada: Haha, you’re right, now that you say that, I think you’re right. I was like: “What?!” But I do feel like I was suddenly thrust into it.

Interviewer: Kudan-sensei, what about you?

Nazuka: Let’s see... I’ve always liked drawing, ever since I was little. And I actually began writing manga later in my development... Development? I mean, when I wasn’t a child anymore, so I’ve always wanted to do something related to drawing. I haven’t really thought of doing anything other than that.

Sanada: That’s amazing.

Nazuka: I got a chance to do just that, so I’m really happy that I’m able to do this. I have never wanted to do anything else.

Interviewer: You wanted to do something related to drawing even if it wasn’t manga.

Nazuka: That’s right.

Sanada: I think you found your calling.

Nazuka: I think you also found your calling.

Interviewer: All right, our next question is from the username Haru: “Good evening Sanada-sensei, Nazuka-sensei. (Although a bit early) Congratulations on the 6th anniversary of Satsuriku no Tenshi. This is my question: Recently I have much more free time at home, so I wanted to ask what the both of you have been getting hooked on recently. Please let us know if you have any recommendations. I am looking forward to the new official webpage (Sanada’s new blog) and Episode.0. I’m rooting for all of you. Good luck to ZackRay!

Sanada: Let’s see, free time at home... I guess everyone’s time at home has recently increased. Personally, I watched a lot of movies, dramas and anime that my friends had recommended. I was actually watching a lot of older stuff, like Akira Kurosawa movies. I hadn’t seen a lot of the most famous ones. On the other hand, I was also watching some popular dramas. Korean dramas were also hot last year, like Crash Landing on You, so I also watch those. Sanada: I also watched some overseas series on Amazon Prime that my friends had recommended. Other than that, I watched some documentaries, like the Ghibli documentary. I also like penguins.

Interviewer: Penguins?

Sanada: Yes. I also watched some penguin documentaries. And regarding the penguin documentaries, there is one called Penguin Town and there is this town overseas full of penguins.

Interviewer: A whole town?

Sanada: Yes, it’s really like a town of penguins, the penguins are living inside the town.

Interviewer: Does it really exist?

Sanada: Yes, it’s an actual place and there are a ton of penguins. The documentary shows you how the penguins live within the town, but it’s jam-packed with drama. You really go like: “Is this for real?! What’s gonna happen?!” You just can’t wait for the next episode. It’s really addictive. They even have divorces.

Interviewer: Between the penguins?

Sanada: Yes, between the penguins. Or they show you how the penguin that goes to get food doesn't come back. Or what happens if the egg gets swept away by the sea. And you really go: “What?!” You really get hooked on it. I binged it in one sitting; it was so entertaining. I may have just spoiled some stuff, haha. Please forget what I just said. That’s what I’ve been watching recently.

Interviewer: It’s an interesting and addictive penguin documentary.

Sanada: Yes, it’s really interesting. It’s also really emotional because they are filming the penguins in their child rearing season so you end up rooting for them. I really recommend this one.

Interviewer: By the way Sanada-sensei, what about games?

Sanada: Games? I like to think that I play plenty of them. But what I basically always end up playing is... What was it called again? Like The Sims. Games where you get to build your own town. Those are the kinds of games I play whenever I get some free time.

Sanada: I also play some online multiplayer games with my friends. Like Apex Legends.Or Dead by... Dead by... I can never say this correctly.

Interviewer: Daylight?

Sanada: Yes. Dead by Deadlight... (she doesn’t correct herself). I’ve been playing a lot with my friends recently. I also play some free games if I get interested in them.

Interviewer: For example? What kind?

Sanada: Well, I play a lot of different ones. I really like one game where you play as a wheat farmer. Playing with friends is really fun.

Interviewer: Nazuka-sensei, how about you?

Nazuka: What do I do in my free time at home? I’ve always been a shut-in, so I’ve become a master at this whole free time at home ordeal. I also love games and I’ve been playing a lot of Switch lately. Like Monster Hunter and I recently bought Mario Kart. But I’m really addicted to Among Us right now.

Sanada: Yes, it’s very popular.

Nazuka: I also love watching live streams. So I watch some Among Us livestreams and do my research on the game. I really like games where you get to play and talk to other people simultaneously. I’m really hooked. Sanada: Let’s play Among Us together. Nazuka: Yes, yes! Let’s!

Interviewer: All right, next question. This one is from the username Lion Jiro: “I really love “Pray,” the ending theme song performed by Rachel’s voice actress Haruka Chisuga. The melody, lyrics and vocals perfectly encompass Rachel’s character. What did the both of you think when you first heard “Pray”? Please let me know your thoughts.”

Interviewer: Sanada-sensei, what do you think?

Sanada: Yes, DECO*27 was the composer of the song. I had actually listened to DECO*27’s songs before and we had a meeting where we were discussing the kind of composer we wanted. It wasn’t so much as deciding on someone, rather, we were just talking about who we thought was good and at the time I suggested DECO*27. In the end we ended up going with DECO*27.

Sanada: I remember thinking how silent and beautiful the melody was. But it also has a melancholic tone. I was surprised at how much it sounded like Rachel’s character. But what really shocked me was afterwards, when she put up the lyrics. It really felt like Rachel herself had materialized into song. I was impressed already, and on top of that, there were many unforgettable phrases in the lyrics. Especially the line that goes: “Can I pray for a dream that keeps falling up?” That was really memorable. It was obscure but delicate and I think that at the same time it had some power to it. I’m really grateful for that.

Interviewer: Isn’t it amazing how it described Rachel with one phrase?

Sanada: No other phrase can describe her better.

Interviewer: Nazuka-sensei, what did you think of “Pray”?

Nazuka: I’ve also always loved DECO*27, so when I heard she was doing the ending I went like: “What?!” And Chisuga-san’s clear voice was really perfect for it. You get defeated by that voice. She’s got a crisp whispering voice. Just by hearing that you go: “It’s Rachel!”

Sanada: Yes! You get chills.

Nazuka: It tightens your chest. It’s a wonderful song.

Interviewer: Let’s move on to the next question. This one is from the username Warabi: “Once again, congratulations on the sixth anniversary. Like myself, I think there are many people that look up to Sanada-sensei and want to make games. I would be very happy if Sanada-sensei could send us a message or give us some advice.”

Sanada: I don’t know if you will find what I say useful, but I’m really glad that you sent in your message. I think that having the opportunity to create something in this world is really wonderful. After all, we’ll be getting more and more games.

Sanada: But let’s see... What advice should I give out... Well, for me creating something and expressing that to the world is really fun. So I would advise you to―I mean, there’s also times when it’s really hard, but I would tell you to have fun where you can. Just have as much fun as you can with it, and there’s also another thing that many people struggle with: it is the fact that there are many unfinished games. By the way, I also have many unfinished games―many games that I gave up halfway through.

Interviewer: Is that so? Sanada: And sometimes your hands will stop because you’re struggling with the game or because you got busy with something else. But... How should I say this... You shouldn’t force yourself to finish it and don’t beat yourself too much because of it. I actually abandoned Kirigame ga Furu Mori for about a year so... Inspiration might come to you suddenly, and then you’ll have that feeling of wanting to finish the game. So please keep in mind that feeling of wanting to complete the game. And as a player, I’m looking forward to all the different games that will be coming out in the future. Good luck.

Interviewer: All right, here’s our next question. We only have 4 questions left. This one’s from the username Latte: “Thank you for all your wonderful games. I was in high school when I first learned about the Satsuriku no Tenshi game, but I still love the game now that I’m an adult. This is a question for Sanada-sensei. Where do you start when you’re coming up with a character? There are many places to start, like the personality of the appearance, but I wanted to know what choices you make at the start so I asked this question.”

Latte: “I also have a question for Nazuka-sensei. I personally love the transparent look of your illustrations. And I always look at your art for reference whenever I”m drawing, but I can’t seem to get the lighting right. I would love to know if you use any kind of resources when you draw light and I would really appreciate it if you could tell me what those are. I’m so grateful to get the chance to ask these questions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will keep cheering you on.”

Sanada/Nazuka: Thank you very much.

Sanada: Right, so what do I do first when I come up with a character... I mostly come up with the characters as my story progresses. I think of what kind of role this character will have within my story and what their purpose is. And well, the character will not progress within the story if they don’t have a purpose, so I always try to determine the purpose of the character first and then build a backbone on top of that.

Sanada: For example, I come up with the story of how they appears in the story and their life... Well, I say that, but I don’t have everything mapped out in the character's life. But I do have a general idea. From then on I move onto the personality and appearance. At the beginning I only think a little bit about these things. I think one of the last things I decide is the character’s age and appearance. Of course, sometimes I come up with the appearance early on, but I generally do that at the end.

Sanada: For example, with Eddie I was really struggling until the last minute on whether to make him a young adult or a teenager. I clearly remember hesitating over that decision, but I knew I wanted him to be close in age to Rachel so he could be closer to Rachel. I guess I wanted them to be the same age or at least close in age so it would be more likely that they became friends.That's the kind of character I wanted him to be.

Sanada: Right, also... With Zack I didn't really have a clear picture of his burnt appearance. His appearance changed after I had already built the backbone of his story. That’s how it was.

Interviewer: So he wouldn’t have had this appearance if his childhood wasn’t like that, right?

Sanada: Yes. If he was born into a different environment, his family would have also been different. So he wouldn’t have become the Zack we all know. Nazuka: Regarding my illustrations' sense of transparency and how to draw light... And what I use as a reference, right?

Interviewer: That’s right.

Nazuka: I just use my everyday life as a reference. Whatever crosses my eyes, like the scenery. If I find a moment that I like I usually take a picture. There are certain types of light that pull at one’s heartstring. I make sure to take a picture of those moments so I don’t forget them.

Nazuka: I also look at various pictures on the internet and save them in my mind’s drawer. Then I can open up that drawer to see and remember. And I can use it as a reference whenever I’m drawing. Please search for some of those moments in your daily life.

Interviewer: All right, this is for our 18th question from the username Reizoko@shukusatsuten6shunen: “There was some additional information in the fanbook about each character, but how did you come up with the childhood version designs?”

Sanada: Well, for example, Cathy has a ribbon tied at the back of her head. And Danny has his eyepatch and I made his expressions more timid. As for Zack, I had him wear shorts. I relayed those rough concepts to Nezuka-san and Negiyan-san, but aside from that, the more detailed design work is mostly up to the artists, so that would be up to Nezuka-san and Negiyan-san.

Sanada: I really just gave them a rough idea of how I wanted them to look and they managed to get it almost perfectly right, so I was quite surprised by that. Didn’t we come up with the childhood design of most characters like that?

Nazuka: Yes, that’s right. The three of us, including Negiyan-sensei, had a very similar view of what the characters would look like.

Sanada: We had the same concepts in mind. So we would just discuss things with each other.

Nazuka: Right, I would bounce my ideas around with both of them and they would then modify things. We had a really great time. We elevated each other’s work.

Sanada: In Episode.0, some characters appear very often and sometimes I would write out what I wanted in the design. But more often than not it was just a rough image that came up during the plot, so we mostly just had conversations of what we wanted it to look like. And of course we also had to get the editor’s approval.

Interviewer: Now, we only have 2 more questions left. This is the 19th question. It’s from the username Gosen: “This question is for the great Sanada-sensei. You have made many games, from Satsuriku no Tenshi to Kirisame ga Furu Mori to your newest game which is about to be released. And you have already released a new character for your newest game. But does the great Makoto Sanada-sensei have any plans to start development of any new games aside from the previously mentioned games? I’m really curious about what is going on in the great Makoto Sanada-sensei’s mind.

Sanada: Thank you very much. That made me blush.

Sanada: I actually said this before, but I have already announced 2 new games and we’re currently in the making of the third one. But apart from that, I’ve been thinking of making a Japanese style horror game where you encounter yokai.

TL Note: Yokai = Mythical monsters from Japanese folklore.

Sanada: I think I mentioned it somewhere before, so I’ll be working on that too. The character and overall story are pretty much done so I want to pursue this more proactively. And some small characters will appear in this horror game.

Interviewer: Some small characters?

Sanada: Yes, small characters. It’s a horror game, but I want to make the characters cute. So I’m working really hard to make it happen.

Interviewer: The question mentioned your third game, and there was a mention of a new character which is a magician.

Sanada: Yes, that’s right. We are done with most of the plot and we thought of releasing it in the game itself, but the more we worked on the plot the bigger it got.The story became too ambitious. So we’re thinking of releasing the original work as a novel first.

Interviewer: Please look forward to the novel with all its ambitious developments.

Sanada: Please look forward to that too. I’m also giving it my best to get it done.

Interviewer: All right, we have finally arrived at the last question. This one is from the username Fumi: “Congratulations on the 6th anniversary of Satsuriku no Tenshi! If you could leave a message to yourself before you started working on this game, what would it be? This question is for the both of you.”

Sanada: A message? To myself? Before I started working on the game? Well, I would say something like: “You will encounter more trouble than you had initially thought with Rachel and Zack, so keep going and don’t lose your strength. Hang in there!” Something like: “Always be positive and hang in there!”

Interviewer: Nazuka-sensei, what about you?

Nazuka: It’s been six years, so I probably didn’t think I would still be involved with this project when we first started. I actually thought we would have finished the manga adaptation by now but it really has been a long time. And we’re also currently adapting Episode.0 after finishing the main story. I think this is the longest I have ever worked on a single project, so I would say something like this to my past self: “We’re still going after 6 years of drawing Satsuriku no Tenshi and we’re still very energetic!” That’s what I would like to say.

Sanada: Being energetic is important.

Interviewer: Now that I think about it, 6 years is the time it takes for a kid to go from 1st grade to middle school. That’s how old the game is. Sanada: I’m sure many of you experienced this game in all kinds of stages in life. I’m sure there are many people that have grown up and some people’s environments have completely changed. But I’m happy that everyone is still enjoying all the content. Interviewer: Yes, Satsuriku no Tenshi has now graduated form primary school and will be advancing into middle school next year. I hope it lives a long and happy life.

#Satsuriku no Tenshi #Angels of Death #Angels of Slaughter #Rachel Gardner #Zack Foster #Isaac Foster #Cathy Ward #Catherine Ward #Daniel Dickens #Danny Dickens #Abraham Gray #Eddie Mason #Edward Mason #6th Anniversary #SatsuTen!#殺戮の天使 #SatsuTen

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onebizarrekai · 3 years

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v3′s art is comically terrible for a professionally distributed game in a series: a compilation

in this not-essay I will list all of the mistakes and problems I have spotted in v3′s art. don’t worry, it’s entirely for fun and I’m doing this on a whim, so please feel free to not take this seriously but also it’s hilarious and embarrassing how ridiculous this is like what happened did they speedrun the whole production or what

see, there are some things you can take as meta like “they made it bad on purpose to allude to the downfall of tv shows that have been on air for much too long” but I have a very strong feeling this is not the case due to the nature of some of these errors

disclaimer, the more I study this art, the more I fear that the artists were underpaid and underslept, so if this is in fact the case, I am so sorry to all of them but also I’m going to make fun of the art anyway

anyway let’s get started!

if you study this image for longer than 5 seconds, you will see that kaede is the only one fully shaded and keebo is literally just his normal sprite pasted into the image. every other character is just an ordinary ref, hence most of them facing the exact same direction with neutral expressions on their faces. it looks like a bad edit, and is probably one of the worst pieces of art in the game. it kind of gets better from here on, but my roasting will not.

with that out of the way, here’s the problem that officially bothers me the most and clarifies my viewpoint of “this is not meta and an actual lack of company communication”

this freaking cg, which seems normal at a glance, but some wiseass was like “oh, kaede is a girl, so obviously she’s going to be shorter than the Male Protagonist™” ah, that’s funny. because if you look at the character bios, kaede is, in fact, one inch taller than shuichi and not like 6 inches shorter as she is shown here.

also shuichi’s shoulder is disproportionate and horrendous and he looks vaguely like a jojo character, but I wasn’t even thinking about that until right now.

thanks guys, 50% of the fandom who has never bothered to check these bios thinks that kaede is like 5′3 (did the developers really put so little thought into her to the point where drawing her correctly in the game didn’t even matter??)

also I would like to point out that, even though this isn’t related to the art itself, yes, a character kaede’s size being only 117 lbs is unfeasible, but this applies to literally every character in danganronpa ever and it’s not new news that it’s unrealistic

update: someone in the tags informed me that in versions of the game that use centimeters, like the japanese version, kaede is actually shorter than shuichi, which just adds another thing to the list of weird decisions the localization team made for no reason. that said, after confirming this, kaede is 167 cm in the original, while shuichi is 171 cm, which are approximately 5′6 and 5′7 respectively, but one inch is still nowhere near as drastic as it is depicted above. (in spite of this, I would rather depict kaede as slightly taller, so I’m probably going to keep doing that.)

the journey continues!

bro if you want kaede to have shoulder length hair then stick to it to begin with

you can pretend this is at an angle all you want but they definitely committed the shorter kaede sin a second time

wait a goddamn second.

DO YOU SEE THIS

no………… it wasn’t kaede who shrank. it was shuichi who got taller

speaking of which, can we talk about how shady the perspective is in this elevator pic? look at shuichi and kokichi in comparison to kaede. kokichi, who is canonically 7 inches (edit: or 5, if you’re loyal to the original) shorter than kaede, looks taller than kaede. he’s growing too. what steroids are these gays taking

running into the room, electric boogaloo: I don’t think tsumugi is supposed to be the same height as kokichi

gonta… gonta you’re lookin a bit like a jojo character there

I love how kaito’s head looks kind of like it was pasted onto his body. why is he the same size as shuichi? shouldn’t he be high school bully size or something? his torso is teensy

ah yes, white angie.

I love this cg but why is shuichi’s right hand so much bigger than his left hand

I also love how this cg looks like they literally took pictures of trees and pasted them into the background, especially on the left. the shadows are so weird, especially closer to the ceiling, it’s difficult for me to believe they didn’t do exactly that.

return of Enlarged shuichi

puberty update: kokichi is now taller than shuichi in spite of shuichi never missing leg day. what crimes will he commit

I have to mention it, guys. this has to be one of the worst danganronpa cgs. kokichi’s facial proportions look atrocious. look at the way his face sticks out like his jaw is in the wrong place. his scarf is a pasted texture. that’s it. this moment was so iconic but the cg just looks so… so… off. like something is terribly wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it.

you know what? let’s get into that ‘pasted texture’ thing.

let’s imagine you’re an artist working on a professional game. you’re assigned to draw cgs of kokichi ouma, who has a checkered scarf from hell. sure, it will be terrible to draw, but you only have to draw it once at a time! plus, perspective is pretty important, right? can you be bothered? nah, actually. let’s just copy paste a checkered pattern into the cg, because I’m sure nobody will notice. it’ll blend right in with the other cgs that someone actually put effort into drawing his scarf in, right?

no. the answer is no and I very much noticed. this genuinely looks terrible and I would understand taking a shortcut like that in fanart or even an indie game but this is a full price pc and console distributed game

(an addition: look at kokichi’s TINY HANDS in that last one)

meanwhile, they straight up forgot to color in kokichi’s scarf in this cg.

dude. I forgot about whatever the hell this cg was. anyway look at keebo please just look at him

lovin kaito’s baby arms

real talk, maybe you could argue that he’s missing muscle because he’s deathly sick, but most of his cgs don’t line up with this, and his arms just look disproportionate to his torso size (granted this is a consistent problem across all danganronpa games and a lot of characters have this weird problem, like hajime, but also kaito is bigger than hajime so I kind of have higher expectations of him) maybe it’s his stupid goatee and the way he reminds me of yasuhiro?? it creates this illusion that he’s older than he is and so I keep expecting him to look more like an adult

oh, also rantaro is missing some of his accessories in that video he made–you know the one–but I don’t wanna go back and screenshot it

also you may have noticed that I’m skipping all of the monokub cgs because I literally do not care about them and I’m not even bothering to check and see if they have artistic mistakes in them

JIMMY NEUTRON???

hey um uh kaito you seem to be missing your neck

hey guys do you like my pregame fanart

so, that done, the sprites are also pretty terrible at times. they’re not as interesting to go through, however, and downloading the full sprite sets for every character and studying every single one of them will drive me insane, so I’ll just sum some of the ones I noticed up. I made things for kaede and shuichi before deciding I wasn’t going to get into it, so here are these.

that said, other mistakes include kokichi missing his purple highlights in all of the sprites encompassing a specific pose, stray pixels all over the place on everyone, and everyone also has heavily inconsistent shading, but literally all I think about is how pregame shuichi is unshaded and two of kaede’s pregame sprites have glaring outfit change mistakes in them

anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my ridiculous ramble. in all seriousness, there’s this looming presence of some lack of communication in the development team, like with all the art and design inconsistencies, pieces and sprites that look rushed, stray pixels, and missing basic proportional stuff. these are the kinds of things that you supposedly have to pretty much have in the bag in order to get jobs in professional businesses, so it’s really weird to me that this game suffers from so many of these problems. it’s like they tried to make the art so much more crisp than the other games, but it fell on its face as they realized it was going to take longer to draw everything and they started to rush. it’s weird, because the coloring itself looks normal–it’s just sloppily drawn, and the proportions are a mess once put into the context of perspective. many of the cgs look like they were drawn by different people, and I’m still not over the fact that half of kokichi’s cgs have his scarf pasted in as a texture.

the moral of the story is that if you’re selling a game at full price that also happens to be in a series that has had 3 very good games in it already the stakes should probably be higher than this. v3 has been out for more than 3 years and it’s still $40 (did it cost more than that before? I sure hope not), and the overarching quality of the game is just not as high as the other games. I’m not saying that the other games don’t have any problems with their art at all, they’re just not as glaringly obvious and every artistic choice in those games feels intentional.

regardless, I had a blast roasting the art at 2am, so maybe you got a kick out of all this chaos.

#god I keep telling myself I'm gonna stop rambling about v3 #v3 spoilers #drv3 spoilers #ndrv3 #random stuff #but making this… it sounded so fun #danganronpa

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batarella · 3 years

Text

3 birds 1 stone - chapter 11

‘Dick, Jason, and Tim. Supposed brothers 'till the end, until all three fall in love with you. Who wins your heart?

The man who earned it, the man who stole it, or the man who always had it?’

A/N: I’M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG BUT THIS WAS A CHAPTER I’VE BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SINCE THE BEGINNING. FEATURING THE ALTERNATING PERSPECTIVES OF THE THREE ASSHOLES WE LOVE.

WORDS: 12,399 WARNINGS: mentions of trauma and fire, recovery from 3rd degree burns, hospitalized children in the pediatric burn unit. but this chapter is generally fluff

MASTERLIST | 3 BIRDS 1 STONE MASTERLIST

-----

Tim:

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

A murderous glower, teeth gritted and mouth dry, asking that wasn’t the best idea for anyone at all who’d sense she wasn’t in the best mood. First, because her nerves were killing her. And second, the poor thing’s back must have been aching. She’d been crouched over for hours and here he was asking the worst questions at five in the morning, which further proved that case that he shouldn’t be so teasing with her cranky attitude that usually shows up when she’d stayed up all night. And she did. For all good reason.

“You’re telling me this now?” she asked him.

“I don’t mean this,” Tim held out his hands out around the room. “I mean this guy.” A stuffed clown. With a red nose, diamond shapes painted over its eyes, and a curly red wig. “You think clowns are a good way to cheer kids up?”

“Come on, Tim. Just because that stigma is around doesn’t mean clowns are always a bad idea.”

“That stigma related paperwhite skin like this to mass murder.”

“And thousands of clowns each day lose their jobs because of that. Clowns are fun. And great. Maybe this could help take kids’ minds away from that kind of thought so they won't have to be so scared at a birthday party.”

“You’re thinking way into the long term.” Tim placed the toy into the box and closed it up, taking a roll of packaging tape from his side.

“If that were the case, the same would go for this little guy here.” Y/N held up the penguin.

“Cobblepot doesn’t look like an actual penguin.”

“His name is Penguin and yes, he does.”

“He doesn’t give me the chills, not like a red nose does.”

The snort that came out of her nose was too laughable not to ignore, and he couldn’t. “Fine, asshole, you can take the clown out.”

His tired hands dropped onto the box he’d just finished taping up, and now he had the murderous look that she apparently found too funny.

“You couldn’t have said that before I taped the box?”

“Then just leave it there!”

“Make up your mind-“

“Just take it out when we get to the hospital.”

“Fine.” The frown so quickly turned to a curious grin he’d held back when she’d already moved to the next box and pulled out a teddy bear with brown curls and a red bow on his neck, and Y/N took a while just silently smiling at it, the kind of smile that always made him want to ask when he knew she was thinking of something he didn’t know.

“What?”

She slightly jumped when she’d heard him speak. “Nothing. I had the same bear as a little girl.”

“You did?”

She nodded. “Don’t you remember?”

“Oh yeah.” He took the bear from her hands. “I remember. You named that little bastard after me.”

“I didn’t have a name for him for like, ten years after I had him, and you come along and shame me for it.”

“You should always name your stuffed animals.”

“Yes. And Little Tim was perfect.”

It was. And he remembered being that awkward teenaged kid visiting her house for the first time, to find himself in her room where a bear was sitting on her bed even with her in seventh grade, how she named it after him when he brought it up, and how long he’d stared at the walls of his empty room at the thought of it.

It went on until she’d stuffed it along with the other toys into a cardboard box, sealed it up with the number ‘5’ written on top, and packed it with the other boxes stashed to the side.

It had to take Dick to come in to snap him out of that apparent trance, especially when he did that with his feet making unnecessarily audible noise when he went in from the foyer.

Dick:

Too close. Yet again. Standing close enough for his arm to touch her shoulder. But what was he going to do? Come up to them and shove Tim to the side? Make space for Jesus? Not like they were together. He could do that. And no one will bat an eye.

But he didn’t. As he always had, Dick just went up to the boxes Y/N had packed. “This the last one?”

“That one should be.” She pointed at one of the empty boxes lying on the floor. “You think it’s too much?”

“I don’t think there’s any universe kids would think a lot of toys would be too much.”

She stepped away from Tim, and just like a kid who’d gotten his knee scraped and had to get treatment from the pretty nurse at school, he wanted to jump when Y/N stood closer to him. Okay. Not to him. But the box was closer to where he was standing and she had to reach over to get it. Dick held it out the table and took out one of the toys in the bag.

“A clown?”

“Jesus, what is wrong with you two?”

“I told you it wasn’t a good idea,” Tim said.

“Clowns are adorable when they’re not murderous.”

“Uh, no. They definitely are not. Have you lived in Gotham? No one works as a clown anymore.”

“Exactly why I want to change that. Poor guys have it as a profession you know. They go to training and everything and only to have it stripped away.”

There were bags under her eyes, and her movements were slow. Didn’t sleep again last night, it seems. Or maybe even the nights before that.

“You should rest up before we leave,” Dick said. Her hair fell to her cheek and she didn’t even notice.

“Too late for that. I’ll be alright.”

And as if it didn’t strain her arms the more she had them raised, she forced the plushies down into the last box. Dick reached out, shut the lid off for her as she frantically taped it close before it would have exploded.

“Imagine this biting us in the ass when we open it up later.”

“It’ll be fine,” she sighed. Looks like she doesn’t even care enough to have much more thought. “It has to be.”

“You’re not nervous, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what you're talking about.”

For a moment he caught Tim’s eyes, watching them closely and listening to every word they said. Dick just ignored that.

“There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

“That makes things better.”

“You’re hostile today.”

“Sorry,” she longingly sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe I am. I don’t even know why.”

“Kids love you. The hospital loves you.”

“I think I’m missing something.”

Her hands draped over the carton and her fingers stuck to the surface. She couldn’t look away from that emptiness, at the number she’d written on top as if it were any interesting.

“You’re doing what no one else has in so long. You couldn’t disappoint even Elliot Memorial with the number of bandages you got.”

He caught the side of her mouth so slightly turning up to her cheek.

“Now enough with that crank. You sound like Eustice Bagge.

“Fuck you, asshole.”

She was laughing now, at a joke that wasn’t even that funny, but with the way she gleamed despite her skin facing away from the sun, her cheeks ample and round, flushed over her lips stretched out in the brightest little grin, and her eyes, squinted almost to a close, it didn’t even hurt when she’d nudged his shoulder at his remark.

The reward was the same, despite him probably being able to do better. And maybe he should have. But he was getting there. Slowly. It took months, but he was trying for that same comfort, to making her laugh so hard the silent walls would forever remember her echoes.

And after he did hear that laugh, that day already seemed so fulfilled.

They grabbed one box each and headed out the foyer, at the last truck waiting for them just outside of the door. Alfred was there, spectating the whole thing.

And, as an internal groan he hadn’t noticed had escaped his lips, silent enough not to draw her attention, his brotherly pain in the ass had his motorcycle draw out this god-awful noise, what no one could only hope to ignore. Jason pulled up to the front door, took out his helmet, and eyed the whole scene around him with that cocky brow raise that made Dick want to punch out of his face.

Jason:

Oh yeah. It was today. Totally forgot about it.

Five am, supposedly a time for him to be at the gym. An hour ago, in fact, but here he was, at the front door ignoring the fact that Dick looked like he wanted to strangle the life out of him from his neck. Maybe he shouldn’t have come, not with them crowding about, not when he wanted nothing to do with any of them. But of course, he forgot.

Whatever. Ignoring them shouldn’t have to be so hard.

Y/N looked exhausted. Her eyes were dark, her hair a mess tied to a ponytail behind her back. And from the looks of it, she was telling Dick off for handling the box too tight. Crabby. Wouldn’t want to get on her nerves when she hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep.

Jason swung his leg off his bike, walked over to his brothers, and took the box off of Y/N’s hands, which was the right decision considering she immediately took to stretching out her back when it was off her hands.

“Thanks.”

“You’re late,” he heard Dick growl. He didn’t even turn to him.

“So I see. You’re leaving right now?”

“It’s a three-hour drive.”

“I knew that.” He didn’t.

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

Tim was eyeing him no differently. He snorted. Tim, he could look at in the eye. Dick, not so much, not when the last time they talked, it was at Y/N’s front door and they were just minutes away from landing a fist down each other’s uvulas. “No…” he scoffed.

“You did.” Dick walked right up to his face, and even then, Jason just shrugged and looked away. It wouldn’t help his case. In fact, it made him look even more guilty than he’d like to admit, but he was close to just kicking his brother at the shins when Dick put his box on top of the one he was already carrying. “Make up for it.”

“I never said I was gonna go with you.”

Dick rolled his eyes. He went over to the truck, placed the boxes inside, and backed away when the driver pulled it close. It was packed full. And there were five other trucks lined up in front of it.

“You’re not going?”

Her voice didn’t sound so rough, as it often did when she had newly awakened. And with a smile he couldn’t help, he walked over to her and leaned into her ear. “Hey, pretty bird.”

Oh, he could just see the hairs at the back of her neck rise when his hot breath fanned over her skin. But it didn’t last so long when he went straight for the door, heading inside the manor.

“Jason-“

“Hmm?”

When he turned, she still looked so exhausted. Her eyes were wide, voice soft just as it usually was when she was confused, and her hair looked pretty facing away from the sun.

“No.”

“Jason.”

“I’m going to the gym.” Just as he should be, if he wanted things to get any better with Bruce, have this illusion that he was somehow still part of this crazy family. He had to show up, or at least start to.

“It’s just for today. Please.”

His cheek was between his teeth and he was chewing on it rather profusely. He wanted to look behind her, at the trucks all packed up and ready to go just to give himself some sort of idea at the lengths she’d taken just to get where she was, but his brothers were out there, and frankly, the looks they were giving them now were counter-productive.

“Y/N, it’s a three-hour drive.”

“We’ll sleep in the car.”

He sighed, eyes over at the ceiling. Her voice had gotten even softer, and he wanted himself beat up for even acknowledging that.

And when he’d seen the look on her face, it was over.

He dropped his gym bag on the floor. “Fine.”

She jumped a little and took his arm on the way down the steps.

“Shotgun.”

“No, I called it first.”

“I wasn’t here.”

“Then you should’ve come earlier,” Dick said. “And I’m driving.”

The mutters out his lips weren’t for anyone’s ears. Dick’s car was all the way over to the back of the trucks, which had started up and were already on their way. She took the front seat.

“Ah, fuck, you don’t expect me to spend three hours cramped up here with Tim.”

“Hey. You’re the big one here,” Tim snorted. “It’s not fun for me either.”

In a car full of morons for the next three hours. Just when the fuck did he start bending to her every whim?

Tim:

Cramped up was something. But being forced to the back seat of a car that should not have had back seats at all, they might as well have slept in a sardine can. By the time he got the door to shut close, his mouth was up to Jason’s shoulder.

“Get off me!”

“I can't fucking-“

“Just move to the side!”

“There isn’t a side to move to!”

Tim forced his ass out almost to the edge of the seat just to make room.

“I should be sitting there, jackass. Y/N doesn’t need much legroom.”

“No, you’re not. I’m sitting here.”

Y/N looked over to the back, smiling at Tim. And at that, he heard Jason snort and finally shut his mouth, one he wanted to shove his fist into. When Jason had settled in and looked out the window, Dick started up the car. “You wusses better be quiet for the next three hours.”

“Oh, shut up. Why don’t you let me drive and see how that’s like, asshole?”

“I’m driving. This is my car.”

“Babs’ SUV would have been a lot better choice.”

“Just shut up,” Tim said, and when he nudged Jason’s shoulder he was bitten back with a slap on his arm.

“Seriously, you guys.”

And everyone piped down the moment it was Y/N who told them to. When they were out on the highway, when they’d gotten out of the city, the outskirts they didn’t so often see, Tim leaned over to the side, at Y/N’s ear just through the space between the car door and her seat.

“Why’d you have to bring them?”

“Hmm?”

“This would have been a lot more fun with just me and you in the car.”

“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad.”

“My ass is killing me. Jason’s taking up all the space.”

“You’ll be fine. Seriously. But if it’s so bad, we can switch.”

And have her sit next to Jason instead? For the whole of three hours, cramped up so they’d be forced to get all cozy? Nada.

“You know what, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

She turned her head over, and her nose accidentally pressed up against her seatbelt. She snorted, backed away with her face all mushed up and sneezed.

He wanted badly to laugh, but he found himself in this ridiculously painful grin when he couldn’t tear himself away from that adorable sight.

Then it all stopped when the car suddenly halted and he was thrown completely off his seat, smashing his face up against the back. That, and with Jason’s laughter so audibly horrific, he tirelessly pulled himself up. “Dick!”

“Sorry!”

He looked up at his brother. He did not look sorry at all. He just smirked, then looked back out at the windshield.

Dick:

It was evil. But that should be the last of it. Not that there was a first. But he heard what Tim said. He deserved it. Not in his life was he going to miss any of this. When Tim had settled back, and Jason finally shut his mouth, an hour into the ride and still Y/N couldn’t pry her eyes away from the window, and it probably wasn’t to look at her reflection, no. She was looking at the grassy fields, at the mountains that peaked in the lightest grey over at the horizon.

“You can sleep, you know,” he said, and he pretended he was watching the road when he’d probably spent the last five minutes endangering the lives of everyone in his car. But they were alive.

“I want to,” she yawned. “But it’s not every day I get to see a view like this.”

Really. She doesn’t. The last time was most probably that day, when he took her out to the country for a ride up a hill so she could paint, where they kissed despite the force of the winds, the cold, and the darkness, the noise he couldn’t hear, and that beautiful view that became no more than just noise when he had her in his arms, even for just that minute.

And, just like that last time, he went on to steal a couple of glances, the most he could without having to look away from the road for too long. Because right then, with her skin still so soft despite the dry air and the breeze, she laid her head up against the car window. He caught her smiling when she saw a few cows wagging their tails in circles.

Dick lowered the car window, just enough for her to put her head out, and the joyous grin on her face and the silent laughter that came with her back suddenly shooting up, hair tie blown out by the wind. Right then, he wished he let Jason drive, so he could spend so many of his minutes just staring at this view.

Jason:

An hour in, and she’d fallen asleep. That was a lot longer than Jason would have thought, with how exhausted she looked he thought she’d pass out the moment her head hit the back of the chair. But it took an hour of looking out into the country before she eventually gave in and gave herself that much-needed rest.

She was sleeping, and Jason wasn’t, even when she told him to. Because for perhaps even the next hour, he had his head up against the glass, and his eyes were on her, watching her face, watching how peaceful she looked, at her chest that rose and fell and her nose that flared up every so often when she was too deep into her sleep.

“Jason, could you at least move your fuck-“

Immediately, he placed his finger to his lips, then he pointed at Y/N. Tim kept his mouth shut. Thank fuck.

“She’s been up all night planning everything,” Dick whispered. “Don’t wake her up.”

“I wasn’t trying to.”

“Just be quiet,” Jason said.

For two hours, they were silent. Not a bicker. Not a snort.

He angled his head just enough to watch her, see that softness on her cheeks, the ones he found himself spending hours upon hours every night that beautiful month they spent together, one that wasn’t supposed to mean much more than a fling but sorted into so many nights when he’d just stay in bed, keep himself up, and only would he realize what exactly he was doing when he’d unconsciously brush a strand of her hair behind her back, let his fingers linger onto the skin of her shoulder.

And when he had realized what he’d done, he’d turn over to the other side of the bed, force his eyes shut and pretend that didn’t just happen.

And he did the same thing right then. Look away. As much as it pained him. He turned over to the window and watched the fucking cows moo, when his brothers could so easily catch him in this sorry act. For two hours, he held back, all the way until they reached the hospital.

Tim:

He wanted to take a picture when he stepped out of the car, went over to her side, and knocked on the glass where her face was pressed up against. She blinked a few times, looked around. Tim waved at her and she sneered playfully when she stretched out her arms and stepped out of the car.

“Y/N. Not that you look horrible, but you should fix your hair.”

“Shut up.”

“I have coffee with me-“

The glare she gave him sent him trembling down his damn ankles. Tim gulped.

“I mean. They should have coffee here. In the waiting room.”

“How many cups?”

“Y/N.”

“Answer the question, Tim.”

The trucks started arriving. They’d gotten here first. Five of them lined up in the parking lot, and the moment they did, nurses started walking out the front door. It was smaller than he thought, the hospital. And he knew exactly what to expect. One from a small town that didn’t get much funding or equipment to even use. It was saddening.

“Just one, I swear.”

“You swear?”

“I swear.”

Tim pinched her cheek and she slapped his wrist. “You better.”

“I promise.”

They stuffed their hands into their pockets. Already, it was a chilly October. But that shouldn’t have been reason enough to have both Dick and Jason walk up to her side and stand next to them, watching the guys unload the trucks.

But he didn’t give so much care to that, not when he looked over to her side and could just feel her nerves buzzing, having to hold back either a smile or a terrified scream. She’d been waiting for this for too long, and the nights they spent planning, crossing out checklists and figuring out what to get, it had finally come to this day. This was her doing. All of it. And she should be proud.

He couldn’t help it. It wasn’t supposed to be about him. This day wasn’t supposed to be about any of them. So he could hold off the bickering, the sneering at either of his brothers, just for today. For her. It’s what she’d want.

And he couldn’t help it. He just had to.

He reached over to the pocket Y/N had her hand stuffed into and held it from inside. He didn’t take it out. It was big enough for both their hands and all the more was it warm, cozy, homely, when he started brushing his thumb against the back of it, the way he knew would calm her down at the worst times, no matter what it was they were up against.

When she’d turned to him, he thought she wanted to pull away, but the relief he got when she didn’t was more reward than any life he’d saved. Exaggerating as it could be.

Dick:

They held hands the whole time they strut up the hospital’s steps, as if it were that cold, as if it were at all necessary. Dick wanted to just step on the damned brake and tear their hands away, but they weren’t at the car anymore. They were standing, right in front of his fucking face, walking into the hospital doors hand in hand and not at all were they in a hurry. As if they had all the time to be lounging around. As if they were still together when they clearly weren’t. And there was nothing he could do about it.

But Dick couldn’t, didn’t, do so much as remark. And it shouldn’t have to bother him, not when it wasn’t anything he had to go through before. Seeing them hold hands. Hell, he’s seen them kiss even in times when they shouldn’t. He was used to this kind of torture. Years of it makes your skin all thick.

But what kind of demon did Tim have to sell his soul to, to be this close as friends, whatever the hell “just friends” meant to either of them, to be holding her hand and kissing her cheek and fucking sleeping next to her in bed as if they weren’t at all lovers for two years of their lives.

He shouldn’t be thinking about any of this at all when they were clearly in the middle of a charity operation.

But what kind of goat did Tim have to sacrifice to be in such good terms with her, to not have all have to be strained by the worst, thinning tension that hadn’t gone away since that day at the hillside, and have it all so soon after they broke up? When he had to spend so many months just to get where they were today, repairing what he’d so regrettably broken, and still not have the kind of closeness he could only hope to have with her?

Why couldn’t he be Tim?

Jason:

Snorting was one thing. But at that point, he just wanted to laugh his hair out. The fucking look on Grayson’s face. Priceless. Jason could have sworn his jaw would have popped right out of his head with the way he was gritting his teeth, watching Tim and Y/N hold hands up to the reception. And even then, he wouldn’t let go, not when Y/N had things to do.

He wanted so badly to pull out his phone and capture this beautiful moment. Not of Y/N having her hair fixed and smiling at the nurses. At fucking Dick Grayson mulling over Tim holding the hand of the girl he so desperately couldn’t have.

Of Tim keeping his hands on her despite it being a little over ten minutes since they’ve stepped into the building.

Of Tim whispering into her ear and the smile that followed right after.

Of Tim still rubbing the back of her palms as if it were even that cold.

Of Tim letting go of her hand, only to put his entire arm right around her fucking shou-

If a patient was walking around, and he hoped there was, he’d grab their fucking IV line and choke himself with it. His teeth were gritting. His fucking teeth were close to shattering.

Dick caught his eye with his eyebrow raised. Twenty seconds ago, Jason would have laughed at his face. Now, he was as silent as he was.

A line of doctors and nurses, all coming together at the reception and every one of them wanted to shake her hand. Not a camera in sight, not a single paparazzi to have to deal with. It was just them, the health workers, and the guys Y/N hired to unload the trucks. Not a lot of nurses though, with the mounds of supplies they had to bring to them and the patients he thought they’d be given to. And as exhausted as they looked, the sight of Y/N was like the first sighting of the sun after a yearlong solar eclipse.

Tim:

“Everything they need for hydrotherapy. Bandages. Tubs. Gloves. Everything on the list you sent us. It’s all there. I even got sanitizers,” Y/N said, and she handed over a checklist to the doctor. “Here’s the inventory for everything. But if you need anything more, we still have a few thousand for an allowance.”

Medical equipment. That was only half of the things she’d gotten the whole hospital. He couldn’t even keep his arm around her so tight when a nurse had come to steal her away, crying into her shoulder. She was an older woman, probably the head nurse, and she looked just as tired as the rest of them. And the way Y/N held her back, not letting the moment seep out her tears and instead let her smile brighten up the room just as it would to any room. Tim watched her. He watched her hug all the nurses so emotionally they couldn’t help but pull her in. At the doctors that were supposedly so tough, yet not tough enough to stop themselves from shaking her hand for the third time since they arrived. Not a single cent was to be paid, by either the patient or the hospital, for all the equipment she’d gotten them.

“The children wouldn’t be able to thank you enough.”

“Oh, they won't thank me for buying them syringes, trust me,” she laughed.

“They will. Oh, an angel you are.”

“Miss Y/N,” the doctor called to her. “The nursery will be ready for your first visit.”

“I can't wait.”

The look on her face was enough to humble the proudest achievers. And when she’d freed herself from other people’s arms, he held her hand again.

Dick:

This was her moment. Not his. Not fucking Tim or Jason’s. This was hers, the children’s, the hospital. It wasn’t the time for theatrics.

A few nights ago, she’d told him one of the reasons why she picked this hospital, and it wasn’t just because of the kids and the fire that happened in one of the schools not far from here. One of those times when he just really wanted to talk, to have those times back, and she ended up opening up to him, crying at that.

He remembered every word she said and remembered just how much more this day meant to her more than anything anyone else would have thought.

Dick saw one of the boxes arrive at the reception, the ones with the toys in them. And with Y/N busy talking, he went over to the box, pulled out his key, and tore out the tape. A pink unicorn was right at the top. Perfect.

“Y/N.”

The doctors had left, and they were meant to just wait around at the waiting room for the next hour until the nursery finishes up. “Yeah?”

Dick held up the unicorn up to his face, smiling, watching her smile back.

“You wanna go visit Sophie?”

The way she just lit up, at the same time crouch down with the nerves surging up her spine. Y/N took the unicorn from his hands.

“Should we?”

“I know you want to. And I think you should. She’d be delighted to see you again.”

Her fingers were busy with the unicorn’s ears, and the way she longingly stared at the pink fur, letting it touch the tips of her fingertips, the moment he saw her nod, he went straight to the reception to ask for Sophie’s room number.

Just a floor up.

Just the two of them, they went down the frightening white walls, past the rooms that wouldn’t let the beeping noises be so confined behind their shut doors and even more nurses frantically walking about. Up the steps, down to the left, to the hall with the big sign plastered onto the archway.

Pediatric Burn Unit.

Sophie Palvin’s name was written on the paper stuck to the plaque near one of the doors. It was unlocked, and when they stepped inside, it was just her adoptive grandfather there, sleeping on the couch.

He saw Y/N hold the unicorn even tighter beneath her fingers, and with a hand on her back, Dick led her to the bed’s side, to the empty chair beside it, but she didn’t sit. She just stood at the foot of the bed, holding onto her shirt just over her chest.

“Hey,” Dick said. “It’s okay.”

“God, she’s…” she caught her breath. “She doesn’t even look any better.”

It wasn’t something they can ignore, not when it was all over the poor girl’s face. Two years, it had been. And the complications just seemed to get even worse. Eight years old, and already she couldn’t have much of a life she should have had.

Dick reached over, held her hand. He wasn’t Tim. But she needed it. It wasn’t about Tim. It was her. And when she held it back without even thought, the first time in so many months, he didn’t even let it get to him. She needed it. Badly.

“She’s still asleep,” she breathed. “Can I go get some water?”

“I’ll get it for you.”

“No, Dick. I’ll get it.”

She needed to get it, to step away from this horribly depressing room and pull herself together before she wakes up. He got all that just from seeing the look on her face and how much he wanted to pull it against his chest.

“Okay.”

“You stay right here.”

She handed him the unicorn and went out of the room.

Jason:

“Jason?”

At the call of his name, the first thing his eyes darted off to was the clock up on the wall. Jason had been standing with his arm over the waiting room’s water cooler for five minutes now. He hadn’t moved or even realized that any of his brothers weren’t anywhere around him. And it took even longer to turn around, see that Y/N was right behind him, her face widened and startled at his reaction before he finally snapped back into place.

“S-sorry,” he coughed. “Where is everybody?”

“We just, uhm,” her thumb pointed behind her. “We went to visit someone.”

“Sophie?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“I knew where she got adopted. I just figured.”

“Ah,” she held her own hands and kept her attention to her fingers. “Could you, uh, scooch over?”

He still hadn’t moved away from the cooler.

“Sorry. You need water?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll get it for you.”

She thanked him, and when he handed her the plastic cup, she could feel her hands shaking. He thought not to bring it up, not when his own hands were shaking as well.

“You alright?” she asked.

“Yeah. You?”

“I guess.” She brought the cup up to her lips.

“Hospitals don’t do well for me.” His lips were stuttering and he didn’t even notice how he was blabbering at that point. “I haven’t exactly been to a birth or anything so when I come here it’s mostly bad news.”

“Oh,” she licked her lips. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” They sat on one of the benches and she went on with her cup as if it wasn’t already empty.

“It’s okay to be nervous.”

Her eyes were on the cup’s brim. “I know. I shouldn’t be. I just hope this is all enough.”

“It’s more than enough.”

So close. Jason was so close to just suddenly reaching for her hand. Thankfully, he didn’t.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in a place like this. And suddenly your life isn’t your life anymore,” she said. “It sticks to you, doesn’t it?”

Of course, it does. When he woke up in a hospital bed, what used to be rotting flesh suddenly flushed hot red, blood boiling like he was stored in a pot, and his eyes painfully pried open from being closed for so long. Three months treating the broken bones and wounds, and the doctors never believed how he could have possibly lived through any of that. He didn’t.

“Yeah.”

“We’d know.” She chortled. “That’s why I want this all to be enough. Kids shouldn’t have to go through that kind of trauma. And when they have to, at least it’ll be a bit better.”

Saying something wouldn’t be ideal. Anything at all. He should be none but ashamed.

And how ashamed he should be, to not do what she was doing, to think that what he did to deal with the thoughts was to… do what he does. It was his way to help. Or what he thought would help.

For not using his trauma to help the way she used hers. The most admiring way one could. It wasn’t his way, one that no one should look up to. Her way was something to make her the kind of woman any kid would look up to and someday hope to be.

“I’ll stay here,” Jason said. “I’ll call you when the nursery’s ready.”

Tim:

To not just suddenly run and pull her to his chest was something far too difficult to do, with every bit of the winds and breezes rushing about in the air around him so greatly pushed him the moment he saw her slowly making her way down the hall. She only got out to get water, it seems, but her lips were pale, hair still a mess, and her neck popping with veins with the way she was gritting her teeth. As she looked up, caught Tim’s eyes, everything around in the hospital seemed colder.

She reached the door. “Hey.”

“She’s awake.”

He could see her limbs stiffen, her lips hidden beneath the safety of her teeth, and when she let her eyes rest on the blankness of the doorknob.

She wouldn’t be able to turn that knob on her own, but she’ll have to. If it were him, Y/N will have to go in unprepared.

“Come.”

It surprised him, however, when she grabbed him by the wrist. He stopped any sort of resistance there was, even the rubber on his soles when he let himself be dragged over to the corner away from prying eyes. Y/N wasn’t crying, no. But she was scared.

Tim took to holding her shoulders, just to give her that little bit of warmth.

“I told myself I can take this,” she said. “I didn’t even know I’d be nervous.”

“And it’s okay that you feel that way…”

“I know it is.”

Her hands were stuck to her sides. She didn’t want to hold him. She wanted to be held.

“Sophie loves you.”

“I haven’t seen her in a year. I should have visited more often.”

“You wouldn’t have known she’d be back here.”

“I should have. Things were never any good for her. It’s a miracle she’s alive at all.”

His glance fell on a passing nurse, who looked at her, then at Tim, before she turned back to her clipboard and stepped into one of the rooms. The ambiance wasn’t of any help. The white. The chill. That horrible smell that just wouldn’t go away.

His hands fell from her shoulder to her hands, held them so tight he could feel her fingers grow numb.

“If her brother were alive, she’d be a lot better.”

“Y/N, just look at what you lost trying to save that boy.”

She didn’t want to look. And he probably shouldn’t have said that. But what was he going to let her do? Lose herself to that innate instinct of hers to save as much of the innocent, the children, to the point where she had to lose her damned leg?

Her eyes were no longer on him. Instead, they were on the blank floor, and the jealousy that stemmed from that urged him to grab her cheek and turn her to him.

“I just think it’s unfair… that I’m okay and she’s not.”

“She’ll be okay. She’s always been strong. Stronger than any of us.”

“She has…”

Sophie’s door opened. Dick peered out, saw them, then nodded for them to come in. The girl was looking for them. For her.

Dick:

The child’s eyes lit up, just how anyone’s eyes would, when she stepped into the now brightly lit room.

And anyone sane enough to have any sense at all would falter and tear up at the sight of her smile, the way she looked so dearly at the child, Sophie, who never would be able to look into the mirror, look past the scars and the burn marks and think of herself as a beautiful girl, even when she was, in fact, the most beautiful sight there was.

Sophie didn’t seem to know she was sick at all. She shot up from her bed, hands up and raised and Y/N wasted no time to have the girl snug in her arms, carrying her so close and having her face buried into Sophie’s hair.

Everything about it was so warm, so homely, something Dick would have thought had come out of the sights of heaven, or even the charity commercials to make you tear up. Nothing had ever been so enthralling than the sound of the little girl’s laughter and Y/N’s awful jokes that at that time sounded like the funniest shit he’s ever heard. She didn’t put the girl down, not once she was in her arms.

Much like the bright sun untainted by the mess of clouds, of the sky grim and dark or rainfall that had grown jealous of its reign. She was the sun. Not a sight could possibly be warmer, softer, and he wondered what changed in this world to look to others when this was the only thing they’d ever have to turn to and have that bit of hope everyone needed.

Jason came in. It was ready. Sophie couldn’t leave Y/N’s arms when they made their way out of the burn unit to the section right beside it. The one so newly built, and the star for today’s charities. Y/N’s greatest work, far more admirable than any painting, as unbelievable as it may seem.

The nursery was not opulent, overly impressive, or over the top in any way at all. In fact, it was small. But it was just the right size. And it wasn’t just for toddlers, but for any child even at Sophie’s age to enjoy, to give them that one glimpse of color in the otherwise chilling white of the hospital they’d never be able to escape to. Now, this was their escape. The money she raised from the auction had been traded in for toys, tables, chairs, puzzle mats, tablets, a castle fort, even more toys, and a large TV right at the center.

Thomas Palvin Memorial Nursery, it read on the plaque outside the door.

The boy she couldn’t save that dreadful day, the same day everything about her changed. Sophie’s brother.

Sophie whispered something into Y/N’s ear, and her eyes were on Dick. He looked at the child, then at Y/N.

She walked over to him with the child in her arms.

“Looks like someone has a crush on you.”

The best instance of flattery there could be. Dick smiled and he instinctively turned to the ground, but the handsome man already reached out for the girl and took her in his own arms.

And the way Y/N watched him, so lovingly and serene, he wished she never had to look away.

Jason:

Was this what the Grinch felt like, when his heart grew three sizes that day?

It was annoyingly heartwarming, the scene that took anyone’s breaths when they stepped into this little cocoon of fun and laughter and color to distract them from whenever the world couldn’t afford to hand out niceties, even for the children. So they wouldn’t have to be so haunted with the pain like she was, like Jason was.

She never was the best fighter. Never the best gymnast. Never the best at being Falcon and often had to function at Tim’s side just to have her own little contribution to the team.

But she did want to help, save lives, make the dreadful world a bit more of a bearable place. Y/N didn’t want to understand that this wasn’t the only way to help, at least at first. And it had to cost her a limb.

Now, she did understand that.

And she’s helped so much more, for the people who deserved help the most, than they ever could.

The kids were calm at first, but not even the nurse could stop them from running to whatever toy they could grab onto when they ran into the room. Screams of laughter, from children who haven’t laughed in so long, everything was just too beautiful to witness. And Jason never did look to things and immediately see the beauty that was always there.

And boy, did he know that fact, when his attention left the mounds of children that almost toppled him off his feet, and locked onto the smiling girl giving each of them a hug.

And he hadn’t looked away. If it were anything like in the car, he’d have watched her for another two hours.

Y/N took one of the chairs for the kids so she was standing at their level. The seat right beside her was empty. And it won't be if he doesn’t hurry.

Chest warm from something within him that wouldn’t stop beating around, Jason wanted so much to just walk right to that chair, sit next to her, be close enough to see that smile shine brighter and her hair’s scent that always threw him off the rails, but he couldn’t. Three children had already beat him to it, and right at that moment he stopped and remembered he was insane to have thought of it at all. They weren’t close. Not for the last several years. Not even now. Not like she was with Tim or even Dick. Just suddenly taking the seat next to her was far too out of the loop, especially for him.

But he can watch. So what if he gets caught?

Tim:

Dick was all the way over to the other table, teaching Sophie how to finger paint. Sophie, who had Y/N as her only companion recovering in the burn unit back in Gotham. Y/N, who sought at nothing to find that old man sitting fresh from his nap beside her hospital bed just to get her adopted, after the orphanage had burned down and her brother, her only family, gone beyond the then six-year-old’s understanding.

She never truly got over Sophie, even after two years. Now, it won't just be her. Every child flocked around her right then will remember Y/N.

Watching her from a distance, even when he was so used to watching her so closely, there was definitely something so magical seeing her from the eyes of others, when she stood far enough to see just how tiny that glint in her eyes could be yet still be seen despite it being so dark, how her smile changed the whole of her face from something admirable to one so breathtaking. No wonder his brothers who’d only had to see her from so far couldn’t help but get lost in the labyrinth that was her.

And he was, without a doubt, the luckiest to have been the one to see her up close so often, even after such history. He was the one who got to stay close and never be whisked away no matter how much had changed. Nothing could change when it came to her.

He can never take that for granted. Not anymore. Not like he did.

Dick:

The kids all turned to one of the walls, one that had been filled to the corners with paint, paint that could have only come from the hands of Y/N. Dick knew her technique well enough to recognize it amongst hundreds of other artists.

It was a scene of a beautiful lake, one that was far away from the confines of the hospital, and a small boy leaning over to fish from the water. To let them know that there is, in fact, a world out there and that being in the hospital doesn’t mean they’ll have to miss out on any of it.

Y/N never had to be a vigilante to help. That wasn’t meant to be who she was.

It was her paintings, her story, her heart.

It was all she ever had to do, and what difference had she made already, at such a young age.

“Your brother looks beautiful up in that wall, don’t you think?” Dick leaned over to Sophie beside him, whose missing teeth was the most heartfelt smile he’s ever seen.

“He does.”

He pretended to be so focused on what Sophie had to paint, but really, all anyone could ever look at was Y/N, who was now standing in the middle of the room playing some parlor game with the children who couldn’t get enough of her, and Dick couldn’t blame them.

Jason:

Of course, out of all the kids swarming around the room without much care at all of the fact that they were sickly or weak, it was that one child at the far corner that caught his attention. One with a dark hoodie over his head and a face no one could quite see.

Jason was standing right next to the table, arms guarding his chest, and he took that as a distraction just to steer his attention away from Y/N and the kids.

The boy looked up at him as well, then down, probably intimidated at his large size. Jason wasn’t exactly one so easily approached, so he took the chair right beside him and looked over at the book he had his face buried into.

Half his face, now he could see, was burned off. It covered the whole of his left eye, and it seemed his hoodie covered the part of his head that had burnt off as well. The kid couldn’t have been any older than nine. He wasn’t thin. In fact, he was quite chubby. And the look he had on his face, with a permanent frown that just wouldn’t go away, Jason wanted to snicker at how this must have been what he looked like at that age. Angry and cynical.

“What are you reading?”

He was shy, and all he gave Jason was a shrug of his shoulder. Probably thought it was a stupid question, since Jason could very clearly see what he was reading. Some science book, it seems. If it were a classic, they’d actually have something to talk about.

But Jason just thought to stay there, be with the kid that so obviously didn’t want to be with anybody else. He didn’t send him away, nor did he show any discomforting signs that would have otherwise driven him away, so just sat there.

Y/N was singing with the kids now. Her voice was horrible. She couldn’t carry a tune to save her loved ones. It made him laugh.

“I’m too old to be in here.”

Jason snorted. Maybe the kid was ten.

“You’re going to love this place, I promise you. Y/N over there made sure of it.”

The boy looked up from his book then joined Jason in watching you.

“She your girlfriend?”

Was this kid eleven?

“She… She’s not… I mean she was… kinda… Not…” he scoffed. “It’s complicated, kid.”

“Is it?”

Yeah. This kid was twelve years old. That, or he was just as good at paying attention to detail as Jason was. Impressive.

His girlfriend. Could he imagine? Never has he called anyone that, or even settled on whatever label there was with anyone he’d had some sort of engagement with. That was all it ever had been. Engagements. Flings. Happenings.

Girlfriend.

Calling someone that would be something.

Something great, now that he thought of it.

Inevitably, without even his notice, he had his eyes on her cheekbones that looked like it hurt from how much she smiled, and when Y/N picked up the smallest child in the pack, he knew it was done for.

It was all over.

He had fallen in.

“Is she your girlfriend or what?”

It was just a kid of twelve, and Jason might never see him again anyway.

He’ll enjoy himself with this, have this kind of happiness he never even sought out until now. Even if it weren’t true, he wanted it to be.

Jason smiled.

“Yeah…”

Tim:

The smallest child, a young boy who looked at her with so much wonder and hope. It had only been an hour since the room opened, and already the once drowned spirits had been so heavily lifted, only by the strength of one woman. She always did love children, always took the chance to save every one she came across and even with themselves so young, when they were children as well, she said to have loved them so much she was determined to have a dozen.

He opposed, of course. Tim would have a couple tops. A couple wasn’t enough for her, apparently, and it became one of the most stupid arguments they had that he often liked to look back to when he needed those pleasant memories to stay afoot. She wouldn’t want a dozen anymore, of course.

But if she wished that now, to him, he’d say yes.

If this was what it meant, if this was the beautiful sight he’d wake up to everyday and see, Y/N carrying a beautiful child and a smile nothing else would have ever emulated, a dozen children it is. She’s never looked so happy in so long, not after years of what she had to go through.

A life with her, with this kind of happiness, and a family to look forward to.

And it’ll have to be nothing more than a dream. Not after what he’d done. Not after forgetting just how much of a treasure he once had that he so easily let go of.

It had haunted him for years, and it will haunt him forever, that he ever left her so hurting when he could have stayed, and he could have given her the family she always wanted. Maybe even by now.

Dick:

It was stupid of him to have ever thought of being with another, to have ever thought that the kind of contentment and warmth Y/N could give him could ever be present in another’s arms. He never, ever, should have thought that it would have been okay if it didn’t go the way he always dreamed of. That all this, this sight before him, one he promises to never forget, could ever happen again in the room where Y/N wasn’t around at all. Because it was impossible. This could never happen if it weren’t Y/N. It wasn’t because of the sun so kind of the air so cool. It was her and her smile, her laughter, her horrible singing and her awful jokes. The kids and their screams, their arms up and about, asking to be carried by her and only her.

This wasn’t something he could ever just forget. This was sight no camera could remember.

But he didn’t even trust his mind enough to know that. It was good to have a backup, something to look back to outside of what stuck to his head.

Dick pulled out his phone and snapped one, two, ten pictures of her. In every single one of them, she looked beautiful.

Jason:

He shouldn’t at all be staring this much. It wasn’t healthy. It was stupid. It was delusional. It was the amount of staring the kind of morons his brothers would do that he so often laughed at. But whatever the hell was that kind of force that he just couldn’t fight against, it was a lot stronger than him, than he ever could be. No brute force or taunt could go up against Y/N.

And already, that lie that Y/N was ever even his, even at just one point of his life, blatantly admitting to her being his girlfriend even if it were a mile away from being true, it got to him like a fucking reptile’s hold in the edge of a swamp. He was shaking. Was he shaking? He didn’t even know anymore. He just wanted this to be over with.

No, he didn’t want this to be over with.

How often does he even get to see her this pretty? Was she always this pretty?

Today. Just for today.

He’ll let himself take his look. Just for today.

Tim:

It was funny at this point, at the realization that one wouldn’t notice her at the first look.

Y/N had to be his best friend for years and it took him far too long to fall in, to realize her beauty.

She wasn’t the sort that would turn the heads of so many around her, one that would reel in a modelling deal just from a stroll down the street or even a face in a pile of hundreds that you’d so easily pick out. She wasn’t one to stun or amaze or leave you frozen in awe at first glance.

She was the kind of girl Tim would see at a coffee shop, reading a book as she settles herself in next to the glass of the window, of either rain or snowfall cooling her skin, a girl that he’d glance at once and think nothing of, only to take the second look when she leaves. And he’d see her everyday for so long as he visited that same coffee shop, and by the end of those days, without so much as a word out of her, he’d think, shit, he’s in love.

Dick:

She was miles away from the likes of who he used to date. And, ironically, she was the only one he actually stuck to and never forgot. One he’d thought of endlessly when not at all was he exaggeratingly thrown off his feet or got his breath stolen or even hit in the head with a metaphorical bat. At least, not at first. Not until you’ve been staring at her for so long.

She wasn’t the girl he’d meet in any case out of the ordinary.

She was the girl he would’ve been lifelong friends with since the day they were born, one he’d be so grossed out and disgusted with at the thought of her as pretty or anything more than a friend, the kind he once used to run away from because of cooties and suddenly, they decide to go to prom together and he sees her descend from the up the stairs of her childhood home he’s also grown up in, and only then, as he looks at her for the first time, he’d realize she was the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid eyes on.

Even if Dick wasn’t that lifelong friend, even if he wasn’t her best friend, he just knew that was what it felt like.

Jason:

He didn’t even of her that way, even after she broke up with Tim. Not once. Not for a long time.

But that might be what it tends to be, with the girl she is and how anyone could think when they meet her.

He might think of her as someone he’d see reaching for a book in the section of the library he frequents, a girl he’s never seen before. And he’d ignore her for a while until she’d be the one to converse about the book he’d picked out, and they’d talk about it for a few minutes, him wanting to get out of it as soon as he started talking. And he’d be relieved to be out of that forced socialization until she inevitably leaves the building, with him on his seat until the library closes and she never comes back.

And even then, when he comes home alone in the apartment, would he think nothing much about it but never forget to recall that one time a girl talked to him in the library, as uninteresting as it may be.

Then, a week, two weeks later, he still hasn’t forgotten about it.

A month into that, and he comes back to the library subconsciously trying to look for her, only to fail at her absence. Only then would he wish he’d have asked for her number when he had the chance.

Tim:

Her smile was too bright, and her hair was falling to her face and it had to take one of the kids to reach up and brush it away from her cheek. He wanted to do that himself.

Dick:

Her arms must have been hurting by now, with the kids fighting over who gets to be carried around. It wasn’t so obvious, however, with the sun so perfectly hitting her face and her hair and everything about her.

Jason:

She looked so perfect. So happy. So genuine. Everything about her was real. That had always been her appeal. She was real. She was here. And she was beautiful.

Tim:

Her voice never sounded so sweet.

Dick:

Her hair was in this perfect mess no one would otherwise fix.

Jason:

Her eyes could only ever see the light, even after seeing so much darkness.

Tim:

The kids started painting her face. She just let them. Her smile wasn’t something anyone could easily forget.

Dick:

The colors on her cheeks, as silly as they looked, could make even the cynical, diabolical villain turn just an inch closer to the light.

Jason:

He choked when Y/N turned over at him and smiled.

He loved her.

Of course, he loved her.

Tim:

He never did stop loving her. Not after they broke up. Not for a second. Not even when he thought he did.

Dick:

He couldn’t stop loving her if he tried. And he tried. Really hard. He didn’t want to fall in love but here he was. In love.

Jason:

Eventually, the hours passed, as they inevitably do. And the sighs and cries of the children in a swarm were no different from his, who never would have thought he wanted more out of this day than he even thought.

Tim:

Y/N never missed even one kid in the room, giving all of them a hug and some a kiss. These kids who haven’t laughed so much in so long, all couldn’t leave without the widest grins on their beautiful faces.

Dick:

When she said goodbye, and the sun settled below the ground, even the nurses wanted to weep. Hell, he wanted to weep. It was a wonderful day. And every step she graced, no one will be able to forget.

Jason:

It was a painstakingly delightful day, one he thought he’d dread, and ended up not dreading at all. Not even when he thought he’d so badly want to go home; he didn’t even think about the late hours and how they’ll have to leave before the sun sets if they wanted a safer drive. That didn’t do so much as cross his mind, and to that, he needed a smoke.

The day was over. And his promises he’ll have to comply. All the happiness and singing and the staring will have to stop, even that confession to himself won't be something he hoped would last.

But promises prove to be empty when the moment he’d settled on staying strong, immediately he gave in when from the corner outside the hospital building, just a few feet away from the entrance where he opted to stand alone, Y/N came along and peaked over with her arms pressed up against her body to shield herself from the chill.

It wasn’t that cold. He was fine. Whatever fine was, when he immediately took to throwing the cigarette butt onto the ground and stepping on it with his heel.

“It’s fine-“

“Too late,” he coughed. “You tired?”

“Very.”

She had her face washed out with whatever soap they had in their bathrooms, scrubbed off to rid itself from the paint she let the children splatter all over her hair. A bit of green was still stuck to her roots. It took so much of his urges to stop himself from picking it off.

It was dark, silent, and so peaceful.

And maybe she saw that same kind of peace in him that he saw in her, when he laid back against the cement fence he was standing against, not close enough to touch his clothes but enough for him to bask into her heat.

It would be wrong not to be so hopeful. She did want to choose him, at one point, and he was stupid enough to turn her down.

But Jason knew he didn’t have her heart to its fullness the way she had his.

And, to be honest to himself and everyone who spectates, he was far too late into this little fiasco of theirs, when already she had Dick and Tim long before he even came into the picture. If he were to insert himself into this narrative, it was far, far too late.

He loved her too late.

Perhaps, there could be a chance he wasn’t.

And maybe it wasn’t his choice to make.

It was always hers.

“Thank you for coming along,” she said, and the winds blew a bit of her hair and he could feel it tickle his shoulder, even with his clothes on. “I’m glad I convinced you.”

Jason was wrong.

This was the moment of today he didn’t want to forget.

Just her. Alone with him. Under the calming night sky where the stars littered about where it wouldn’t reach the city. It wasn’t so often he got to have that.

“I am, too.”

It lasted a lot longer than he thought, and a lot sooner than he’d hoped. He only had so much time with her.

But it was all the more fulfilling, even when it was far from enough.

Dick:

His brothers were asleep over at the back. Everyone was exhausted.

Her especially.

But that didn’t stop her from never missing a second of watching the views of the countryside, this time at night, flashing about like fast moving pictures before her behind the glass. She was tired, he could see, but she wouldn’t let herself fall asleep.

He’ll take her out again. Soon enough.

It wasn’t so easy to mend their relationship after the damage he’d done, not like Tim, but it was even more rewarding each time he made her laugh, or even just witness that glint in her eye when she sees the stars or the mountains or the wonders of the world she doesn’t so often see.

“Hey,” he coughed. “Talk to me. I’m close to passing out here.”

“Don’t you dare.”

She stopped looking out the window and looked to the windshield onwards. He had so much to say, so much to pour out. There might never be anything at all to explain what he wanted to tell her, thank her, first of all, for how well things have been going.

Thank her, most of all, for being the most wonderful human being she was.

“You really are amazing,” he started. It was a first. “What you're doing… I don’t think even Bruce has done anything like it.”

He heard her snort. “Bruce has donated millions to-“

“He doesn’t actually visit the sites, or visit the children, or the victims, or even talk to these people. He just hands them a check. You. You’re something else. You show up and actually become the beacon of hope for these kids. It’s what they really need.”

All it made her do was laugh. “I’m not that-“

“I haven’t seen anything like that since Diana.”

“Are you actually comparing me to fucking Wonder Woman?”

Her disbelief, it wasn’t at all from humility. Because she was right. She wasn’t Wonder Woman.

“No,” Dick said. “Diana Spencer.”

Princess of Wales. The People’s Princess.

The woman who wouldn’t let a child go on without having them in her arms, especially when she knew they needed it.

Y/N didn’t want to get into that, but if she’d asked him, he would have told her why he thought that way.

Y/N was too real. Someone you’d look at and actually believe was in front of you, someone so believable yet still so beautiful.

“Thank you.”

It was dangerous to look away from the road, but he couldn’t help it. Dick glanced over at her just to catch the way she was smiling at her right then.

“Dick…” she sighed.

“Hmm?”

“My leg’s pretty tired now…”

Oh. Of course. She’d been walking all day. She’s not supposed to be up all day.

“Do you mind if I-“

“Please. Not at all.”

“Thanks.”

It wasn’t at all weird, even with it being a first for him.

But had he really succeeded then? To fix what he’d so horribly broken? Did the strain come to relax? And had all else been forgiven?

Y/N took off her prosthetic and sighed, let her back rest onto the seat and she closed her eyes.

Then, as if the words hadn’t already choked him into silence, she reached over and held his hand.

Dick held it tight, even with her asleep, and never for a second did he let it go.

Tim:

He’d been awake for a while, but it was only until they reached her apartment when she sat up from lying on her seat, which she hadn’t even reclined, otherwise he would have choked to death with the limiting space he already had.

Which pushed him further to insist he go walk her to her door. It wasn’t too far off, but they had to cross the street. Tim and Y/N stepped out the door and she waved goodbye to his two brothers from outside the window.

Today wasn’t one he’d ever forget, not even if he’d try. To remember her face, the children, the cries of laughter at each time she spoke, he should have taken more pictures. What he had, or rather, what he saw Dick had taken that he’d ask for when they go home, surely wouldn’t be enough. It was well into the night, late and a bit chilly in the midst of October. Y/N looked tired, though there was that smidge of contentment that glowed at each pull of a smile, especially when they stood under the lamppost just outside her apartment door.

“Thank you so much, Tim,” she went on. “You deserve so much more credit.”

“No. I don’t. This was all your doing.”

And nothing she says can change that.

“Yeah, but you dealt with the paperwork and the checks and everything-“

“All the money was yours. I never had to pull out a cent.”

“Still,” she shrugged. “I wouldn’t have done any of this without you.”

Her face.

Loving her will always be the best decision anyone could ever make, if it was at all a decision in the first place. It surely wasn’t a choice of his. It wasn’t something so sudden at all. It was from years and months of gradual development that made it so hard to climb out of. His best friend. One he fell so hard for and thought would have never felt the same.

But should he tell her the truth now? That he’d always loved her and never stopped? Even when he told her, and himself, that he did? Would it to be right to make yet another confession and possibly break what they had now? For good?

No risk could match her worth. His own happiness wouldn’t match her worth.

He was lucky, then, that she made him happy anyway.

“I stole this.”

A teddy bear with a red bow. He pulled it out from his hoodie. “I hope the kids won't mind.”

And that was the last of her smile that he’d see for that day, and he let himself believe it was the brightest, most beautiful one just yet. She took the toy, lovingly stared at it while her finger brushed over the bow.

Then she hugged him so tightly around his neck. He couldn’t bear not to hug her back for even a second too late.

“I love you, Tim.”

Eyes shut, and the tug at his heart that will forever haunt him of his mistakes.

It hurt, more than anything, that he was sure she said it much too lightly for it to mean the way he wanted her to mean it.

Best friend. That was who he was.

He shouldn’t think so much of it. He can’t cause himself any more lingering thoughts.

He was her best friend.

That, he will always be. No matter the cost.

“I love you, too.”

When she disappeared into the door, it took him a while before that hurt morphed into a smile, and the happenings of today turn into nothing more than sheer memories.

Click.

Shift.

Thud.

Like the parade had settled and in came the storm.

It was just laughable at that point, how differently the air shifted the moment he walked back into that car and not a word was spoken. Not by any of them.

Dick.

Jason.

And Tim.

Dick had his eyes on the windshield. Jason out the window, hand over his lips.

Tim settled on the passenger seat next to Dick, and even he knew not to turn and look at any of them in the eye.

None of them had to.

It was so silent, it was haunting. They should be terrified of each other, knowing what they were all capable of. But all it was, was laughable.

It was laughable, how three brothers who knew each other well enough, too well, far too well, to possibly ignore what just happened over the course of just one day.

Not a smile, a word, a remark, or even a nod.

For a moment, Dick twitched his jaw. It must have hurt from all that gritting.

And Jason. For fuck’s sake. His hand should have been a goner by now with how much he clenched his fists.

They all wanted to speak up.

But oh, they didn’t have to at all. They didn’t even have to look at each other.

Not when they had been since dawn that day. Watched each other, knew exactly what the other thought.

Tim was first to turn to Dick.

Dick’s face was blank, and he eyed Tim like he was just so uninteresting.

Then they both turned back at Jason, who’d already had his brows raised at them both.

Jason shook his head and looked back out the glass. It was starting to rain.

It didn’t take long for Dick to start up the car and drive away.

He knew, they all knew, that all this will have to be settled. This strain. This obvious. The elephant they had long ignored and never confronted.

It was too hard to ignore now.

And when they don’t, it won't be pretty.

-----

MASTERLIST | 3 BIRDS 1 STONE MASTERLIST

-----

A/N: I’LL TAKE THIS AS A CHANCE TO DISCLOSE THE FUTURE FOR THE SERIES. 3 BIRDS 1 STONE WILL END AFTER 15 CHAPTERS, WITH THE LAST TWO BEING THE PRE-FINALE AND THE FINALE TO BE POSTED 24 HOURS APART. I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT SO FAR. HERE’S TO FINISHING THIS THING.

-----

MAIN TAGLIST:

@everyartistwas-firstanamateur, @sarcasmismyfirstlove, @damned-queen-of-gotham, @idkmanicantenglish, @wunderstell, @birdy-bat-writes, @get-loki, @everyday-imfangirling, @comic-nerd-dc, @multifandomgirl-us, @icequeen208, @offendedfishnoises, @egdolan, @xemiefx, @arkhamtoddler, @elsenthal, @mythicbitchx, @lucy-roo, @roseangel013bf, @loxbbg, @reclusive-chicken-nugget, @l-inkage, @http-cherries, @river9noble, @zphilophobiaz, @annoylinglyaries, @knightfall05x, @hyp-oh-critical, @satan-s-ass, @1-800-starmora, @flowersgirl02, @nahcho, @thatonecroc, @trixie-bb, @daddyissuesmademe, jasonsbitch, @shadowsndaisies @jaybirdbooty @writing2sirvive

SERIES TAGLIST:

@spaceservicestation, @thedeadlythoughts, @vanessafabricius, @pinkforest05

#dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #dick grayson x reader #jason todd x reader #tim drake x reader #batboys x reader #batboys #batfamily #bruce wayne #damian wayne #nightwing #red hood #red robin #3 birds 1 stone #3 birds 1 stone series #batarella #batarella series

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the-lone-witch-and-secret-room · 3 years

Text

Eleena’s WIPs and future fics:

Locked Out-universe fics:

Unbecoming of a Blight

Edric and Emira ask their upset little sister to build a pillow fort to distract her from her friendship-breakup with Willow.

They have a lot of fun, until they don’t.

Based on the event mentioned in tiredandjaded’s fic ‘Everything About You’.

Not started yet, but will definitely be written. Thinking about getting a commission for it, too.

Nerves

Luz is leaving the Isles tomorrow, and as the confession Amity has sworn herself to get over with before her crush leaves draws near, she turns into a nervous wreck. Out of options, she turns to the only person she knows that has experience with asking people out—her older sister Emira.

Oh, she is so going to regret this.

Sweet Disposition-Verse (Skarscha centric fic universe Piece of Cake takes place in):

Up In Smoke

To celebrate moving in together, Boscha and Skara decide spend the rest of their first evening cooking. There’s just a minor issue. Skara can’t cook to save her life.

WIP, will be written for the Skarscha zine I’m involved in.

Recipe for Disaster

Because her daughter got in trouble at school, Boscha is called into the principal’s office. Her past comes back to bite her when the other child’s parent turns out to be no other than the girl she bullied back in school.

Standalone:

Us and the Moon

Lumity first kiss fic I wrote for the @begaydowitchcraftzine that’s going live on June 17th!

Complete.

Comfort Zone

Utterly tired of Boscha’s and Skara’s mean girl nonsense, Amity decides to switch tables in the school lunch room.

Also written for the @begaydowitchcraftzine!

Complete.

Amity’s Day Off

Blight sibs focused sickfic I wrote for the @tohfamilyzine

Complete.

Secret Admirer

After a long day at school, tired student council president Skara Harper finds a bunch of cookies with a secret admirer note addressed to her. Over the next few weeks, the amount of baked goods and cheesy notes found in her locker keeps growing… now whoever could be leaving them?

Skarscha, probably a two-shot at least, currently a WIP, haven’t decided the final length yet.

Where did I go wrong?

Not 100% sure if I’ll finish this, but I really want to make a friendship breakup fic from Willow’s perspective, because I’ve seen a bunch from Amity’s and none from hers. Started, but just barely.

Sleepless Nights

Amity messed up. Really, really badly.

Distracted by her newfound friendships and her crush, she’s totally forgotten about the important upcoming exam!

Panicking about not having done nearly enough studying mere hours before the exam and completely exhausted from lack of sleep, Amity finds comfort in her brother.

Relatively new concept, barely started.

Untitled Skarscha Grom Fic

Skara was sure she’d spend this year’s Grom night alone, surrounded by couples to make her even more upset about her recent breakup… but, well, Boscha can’t exactly leave her best friend to mope like some loser about a stupid boy, can she?

Not written yet, but is pretty planned out!

One Step Too Far

When Skara plays an ill-spirited prank on Willow that causes her to get injured, Gus and Luz decide it’s time to finally get back at their friend’s bully.

There’s also a lot of Willow and Amity bonding in this, but I’m too lazy to figure out how to put that in the summary atm, lol

WIP, about halfway done? Maybe? This is gonna be a long one.

Dead Battery

Since Luz is no longer able to charge her phone due to the portal being destroyed, the battery dies.

It’s fine.

Luz misses her mom.

WIP, trying to finish this and post it the day before the first episode of the second season airs.

Grom Queen Amity (not the final title)

Amity is too stubborn to let Luz replace her as Grom Queen, and is forced to face all of her worst fears, rather than just her fear of being rejected. When one of her fears manifests as the twins making her look like a fool, it puts their years of “harmless” teasing into a painful new perspective.

This version of Grom will still have plenty lumity, never fear, haha

But you may have seen a pattern in my fics here and that pattern is I really like writing the Blight sibs and their complicated relationship with each other, lol

Haven’t started this one yet, but I’ve been wanting to do this for a while!

Only one of the fics on this list (except the secret admirer one that I forgot to add, oops) that won’t be a oneshot, I’m thinking probably two or three chapters, we’ll see.

—————————

All my current Works In Progress (aside from Locked Out), as well as a couple fics I’ve planned but not started yet!

Yes that is a lot, I’m pretty much physically incapable to not work on seven things at a time at this point…

The Lumity zine fics will have a sneak peek posted soon! I already posted one for the family zine fic!

Also I have a couple more fics for both Locked Out and Sweet Disposition-verse planned, but they’re not included due to spoilers and in order to make this list look slightly less overwhelming for myself 😂😭

What concept(s) are you most interested in?

#the owl house #lumity #toh #luz noceda #amity blight #toh locked out #my works #my writing #Edric blight #emira blight #blight twins #blight siblings #Willow park #skarscha #locked out AU #sweet disposition AU #toh sweet disposition #wips #Boscha x Skara

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whats-rambled-rambled · 3 years

Text

Long Nights - part 4

Neil x Reader

Chapter 4: World gone mad

(see chapter 3, 2, 1)

summary: inverted heist calls for inverted training

warnings: 18+, explicit language, gun mention, crackheadery, and possible whiplash

author’s note: Hi, yes, I know, took me ages, but hey, I hope it's worth the wait! 5.2k words, how even--

Anyway.

The song for this part is Bastille - World Gone Mad

Enjoy! All feedback is greatly appreciated, let me know what you think?

——————

Tag list: @cxnnienikas @neutron-stars-collision @ergunbilge @invertedneil @wanderedaway @mellifluous-cosmos @wonderwoman292 @buckysgoldenheart @townmoondaltwistle @theriverbeneaththeriver (please let me know if you want to be added/removed from the list)

-----

The fact that you knew how to handle guns wasn’t equal to you being very good at it. Or enjoying it, for that matter. Sure, you could more or less hit the target, especially with some useful tips you got from Neil regarding a trigger finger discipline, but still - you’d rather avoid reaching for a pistol altogether.

You put back the weapon you’d been training with and Neil handed you another one. You couldn’t really tell the difference, at least until you checked the magazine. The lack of ammo meant you finally got to the fun bit that Neil teased in The Protagonist’s office and you smiled, looking back at your companion. He grinned at you, the gaze sparkling behind yellow-tinted safety glasses as he pointed at the wall next to the targets you used for practice.

“Just aim and pull the trigger. ” Seeing your nod, he added, “Okay now, be careful, it might feel--”

The bullet whizzed back into the chamber of your pistol and your eyes widened.

“Oh fuck me sideways,” you hissed under your breath.

“-- a bit weird, yeah.” Neil chuckled at the shock painted on your face. “All right?”

“Yeah, just processing.” Trying to blink the consternation away, you asked, “How do you make these? You put it into that...turnstile and voilà?”

Neil shook his head. “No, it’s not that simple. We receive a stash every now and then, we don’t know how to manufacture those,” - he smirked - “at least not yet. I do have a few theories I’m working on in my spare time, but...” hesitating for a moment, he raked a hand through his hair and sent you a nervous smile. “Wouldn’t want to bore you to death, though.”

“Dude, come on, with that smooth and soothing voice of yours? You could read the yellow pages to me and I’d still listen like that--” you mocked a dreamy heart-eyes expression, watching with satisfaction as that remark pushed Neil further into a flustered state.

Apparently, when explicit teasing got a little-to-no reaction now, you could still make him blush with a more wholesome compliment. As you started laughing, he rolled his eyes and scrunched the nose slightly, joining you with a stifled giggle. Grinning, you continued a little softer, “I’m not gonna lie - I probably wouldn’t understand a majority of the physics jargon, but I’d still want to hear all about that.”

A thankful look you got in return made your chest clench painfully, and your mind wandered off to those breaks near the river, and Neil’s animated rants. You knew one thing. Anyone who had ever ridiculed him for his passion for even the nerdiest things could rot in hell, and you’d gladly see to it personally.

A disgruntled huff coming from behind made you both snap out of the moment.

“Oi, lovebirds, I’d appreciate it if you could leave all that to after I prep you for the mission.”

Bottling down your annoyance, you batted your lashes at the commander, who’d just come back with keys to one of the conference rooms near the range.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, you have my full attention now.”

Ives nodded, waving at you to follow him. Meanwhile, Neil’s small smirk let you know that he noticed that faint undertone in your voice, but he said nothing, patiently waiting for the events to unfold.

Another person was waiting for you at the door. You recognized the woman who’d driven you to that abandoned factory on your very first day - you’d never gotten properly introduced, but you remember asking Neil about her once and he called her Wheeler. To be honest, with these guys you never knew if they used their real names, nicknames, codenames, or whatever. Not that you cared, quite used to it in your own line of business. You exchanged a court nod with her and went into the room.

As you sat down at the big table and Ives booted a projector, your eyes bore into the man. Definitely one of those types who enjoyed his beret and the paramilitary structure of the field branch of the organization. Probably a bit too much. You bit back a smug grin.

Those were particularly fun to mess with.

Ives caught your piercing stare and stopped the brief of the location.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you said, propping the chin on your palm, a polite smile on your lips. “It’s fascinating.”

He furrowed his brows, perplexed.

“What is?”

“How your commanding presence literally adds you inches,” you said, using all your willpower to keep a serious face. “I wonder if it works only for your height or--”

Neil’d futile attempts at masking an amused snort with a cough didn’t go unnoticed. Ives shot him daggers and then glared at you. “For fuck’s sake, would you focus?”

Your eyes flared up at the threat in his voice and you pouted, taunting him further.

“Or what, you’re gonna spank me?”

“No, I’m gonna shoot you,” he deadpanned.

You raised a brow.

“Kinky.”

Ives groaned, turning to Neil.

“How you survived this long without choking her is beyond me.”

Neil puffed his cheeks and gestured vaguely, but as he opened the mouth to answer, you chimed in, with a shit-eating grin plastered on your face.

“Oh, he very much did so, all right.”

The awkward silence that followed was pretty satisfying.

“Can we keep her?” asked Wheeler casually, leaned back in her chair, fiddling with a bullpen.

Ives gaped at you all, then slumped his shoulders in defeat, sliding a hand through his features. He was so done you could almost hear The Sound of Silence playing in the distance, but apparently, his sense of duty was stronger than the urge to leave you without finishing the briefing, so he just drew a deep breath and continued.

“...anyway…”

You caught Neil’s glance and you couldn’t help but poke the tip of your tongue out at him. The mischievous sparks in his eyes reflected your own as he shook his head, tugging the bottom lip between the teeth. Wheeler’s curious gaze flitted between you two, and as you didn’t feel like drawing too much unnecessary attention to yourself anymore, you focused on the plan that Ives was persistently going through.

Time frames. Blueprints. Entry points. Exit routes (you spotted at least one additional way he left out, but you weren’t sure if you could drag Neil through there, judging by that alley performance, so you didn’t bother to mention it out loud). Everything seemed clear enough. You still had no idea how being inverted would affect the lockpicking, but when you voiced that, Ives promised you some time to figure it out before the mission.

The mission. Huh. It wasn’t that much different from your usual assignments - at least if you forgot about that tiny insignificant detail like moving backwards in time - but something in this paramilitary and/or espionage vibe made your heart beat faster with excitement.

It had been quite a long time since you had company at the job. Working alone had its perks, but you wouldn’t mind a trusted partner in crime having your six for a change.

Another thing that you certainly wouldn’t mind - seeing Neil in tactical gear. Not that either of you would need one, but the image got planted in your head and suddenly you wished you’d had a bottle of water.

You realized that everyone was looking at you expectantly. Shit, was there a question or…?

“I’m good,” you said, shooting in the dark, hoping that would be enough to cover your distracted ass.

Ives squinted, but fortunately, that was an acceptable answer.

“Well, as you two can proceed straight from here - Wheeler, they’re all yours.’

“Okay,” - she smiled and stood up - “we don’t have any turnstiles on-site, but there’s one in the base outside the city, I’ll talk you through the basics on the way.”

So that little daydream cost you a chance to come back home to prepare? Grand. The problem was - you needed your heavy-duty tools, but you’d rather eat rocks than back away in front of Ives. Luckily, he called on Neil to wait for a moment, so that was your chance.

“Umm, Wheeler?” you asked quietly, following her outside.

She glanced at you curiously.

“What’s up?”

“I know I said I’m good, but could we stop by my apartment for a second, please?” An awkward grimace ran through your face. “I gotta pick up my tools. You know, just in case.”

She wasn’t surprised by your request. Moreover, she sent you a knowing smile.

“Sure thing,” she said and winked, and then it was your turn to present a slightly flushed face. “I’ve got you.”

----

You didn’t know what to expect from the whole inversion process.

The first time your brain stuttered was when Wheeler pointed at something she called the proving window, just in time for you to see the three of you coming out on the other side. You caught inverted-you glancing back at your present self; the schooled expression, but with the gaze shining with anticipation.

The second time was when it was you on the other side, looking at your wide-eyed past self. Feeling the incoming headache, you took a deep breath and followed Wheeler and Neil to the stand with oxygen masks.

“How are you feeling?” asked Neil, handing you the equipment.

“Weirdly normal.” You shrugged. “Or maybe not more backwards than usual, if that makes any sense.”

He smiled lightly.

“It’s the airlock. When you see the outside, you’ll get a whole new perspective.”

Wheeler nodded. “What he said. And to recap: you’re inverted, the world is not - all forces will be pushing back on you. Besides gravity.” She double-checked the oxygen bottle secured to your belt. “Just mind things that might be rising instead of falling.”

You furrowed the brows.

“Wait, didn’t Ives mention the rain?”

Neil smirked from behind the mask.

“Afraid of getting wet?”

“Never.” You grinned, meeting the sparkling blue eyes. “Should know that by now.”

Wheeler snorted and shook her head, walking to the panel near the exit.

“You’ll have plenty of time to finish the job before you move far enough to catch up on that. Although, if you ever find yourself in the inverted rain, here’s a tip: pop your collar.”

“Why would you--” Oh. The sole thought of the water going up from the ground to the sky made you nauseous. You swallowed with effort, leveling your breath in the mask. “...right.”

Wheeler opened the door and you almost gasped at the view. The golden rays of sunset (...or was it technically a sunrise now?) flickered on the training grounds’ equipment as the sky painted the scarce pools of muddy water with greyish violets and reddening oranges. Leaves shuffled in the wind, their dance almost satirical with that inverted spin.

Wheeler’s voice stopped your mind from wandering further into the landscape.

“Okay, ready? Ives asked me to remind you not to try any cowboy shit, you need to be in one piece at the end of the training.”

“Yes ma’am,” you mocked a salute and stepped outside, stretching your limbs, readjusting to the reality being slightly off. Neil stood right beside you watching you warming up, ready to take you to the obstacles section.

But as soon as the airlock’s doors closed behind you, you spun around, tapping his shoulder - “Tag, you’re it!” - and without waiting for his reaction, you leaped towards the assault course.

Surely that turned out overly optimistic. You counted on the element of surprise and a head start, but Neil had an experience with running while being inverted, while you… well. You tried.

“B+ for effort,” laughed Neil, catching up on you even before you reached the first obstacle and tapping you back. “But you can do better than that.”

“Just you wait!” you retorted and vaulted over a low hurdle, the mild confusion caused by the dumbfounded senses slowly eased up as you tuned out the brain and let the muscle memory guide your movements. Because hey, in the end? Yes, the natural forces were acting up against you. Yes, Neil had years of inverted training behind him. But you’d been challenging different obstacles your whole life, and courses like this one were your favourite playgrounds.

You caught on him by the next wall, playing dirty and tugging at his leg, pulling him down before he could jump to the other side. The exasperated huff he gave you in protest got lost in the squelch of mud under your feet, the sound more like a suction instead of the much-expected splash. Shuddering with disgust at such abomination, you rushed to the set of monkey bars, hearing Neil following up closely. You gritted your teeth, swinging your body to help yourself get through the part, and that’s when you felt a light tap on your foot.

You glared to your left, where Neil was gaining an advantage over you.

“Damn you and your infinite legs, man! It doesn’t count!”

“Losing looks good on you,” he said, landing and then instantly ducking under your reached out hand.

“Too bad it’s not gonna stick,” you scoffed as you ran after him to jump on one of the parallel logs. Balancing was easy enough, even with inversion; it gave you the perfect opportunity to plan ahead, while Neil had to maintain full focus. “Must say - all that sass definitely makes you like... ten percent hotter.”

But you’d taught him well, apparently, and instead of losing his pace, he only shot you a quick glance accompanied by an arched brow.

“Only ten?”

“Dunno, come over here and let me take a closer look,” you teased, getting a short chuckle in response. “No?” - you sighed - “Alrighty then.” And you leaped to the side straight into Neil, pushing him off the log. He yelped and grabbed you by the shirt, the momentum sending you both straight into the mud. You landed on top of Neil, collapsing into his arms for a moment to catch a breath and to stop laughing.

You leaned back to look him in the eyes.

“Okay, maaaybe fifteen,” you panted, booping his mask as you would do to his nose.

Neil snickered and nodded.

“I’ll take it.”

When your gazes met, his features softened, and he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear gently. You smiled behind the mask and sat up, straddling his waist. Neil was studying you closely, his hands grazed your sides and rested on your hips. Nibbling at your bottom lip, you leaned over him again and slowly reached out, and--

“Simba…” you choked out with reverence, brushing a muddy thumb across his forehead.

Tears from the held-back laughter threatened to spill any second as you observed Neil blanking out in utter confusion. The five stages of grief ran through his expression and then he closed his eyes and sighed theatrically.

“The fate of the world is in the hands of a complete madwoman.”

...the what now?

You tilted your head, grinning.

“Aren’t you a little dramatic?”

Then, without a warning, Neil shifted under you, rolling you off him and pinning you down.

“Birds of a feather and all that,” he said, clearly enjoying the way you squealed and squirmed as the mud got under your shirt. “You think you got a hang of the inverted movement already?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. Neil realized your intentions a second too late. A handful of mud splashed on his face and you chuckled with satisfaction. “Yeah, now I think I’m ready to go.”

You turned up at the airlock soon after, looking like something that cat dragged in, but beaming widely. Dreaming of a hot shower and a clean set of clothes, you put down the mask and the oxygen container and headed to the turnstile.

Wheeler was waiting for you near the machine, and seeing the state you were in, she just gaped at you both, trying to come up with an adequate question.

As you noticed her quizzical look, you gave her a thumbs up and smiled.

“If you ain't dirty, you ain't here to party! Wooo!” you whooped, throwing your hands up and trotting past her straight into the turnstile.

Right before reverting yourself back to your original state, you heard Wheeler’s hushed question.

“You two all right?”

And then Neil’s answer.

“Don’t worry, we’re good.”

--------

The truck’s engine hummed steadily, which could only mean you were on some sort of highway. At least the container stopped wobbling, so you could practice in peace.

No wobbles meant no excuses, though. You sighed, readjusting your grip on the tools.

Neil had fallen asleep some time ago, after making sure you figured out the locks and hearing your solemn promise that you would follow him soon.

One day after that eventful night, then inverting and going straight back without proper sleep. You knew he was right and you needed at least a nap. But you couldn’t. Not before you were absolutely sure you got it. The usual locks weren’t that bad. The inverted ones were a whole other story.

It’d taken you long enough to crack them in the safety of your own apartment, without the weird physics, ever-present even within the air-locked container. Without the pressure.

The fate of the world.

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

You didn’t even know what was that thing you were supposed to retrieve soon. It was okay, you didn’t need to. It was a quite common situation in your work history. That kind of knowledge could be dangerous, after all.

The pin clicked and you sighed again, squeezing your eyes shut to stop the burning sensation even for a moment.

Besides, you were doing it for Neil. The memory of that panicked look on his face when he’d seen the documents was enough to keep you going.

But did he have to say that?

You had to do it. Not only because you felt responsible for him, in a way. What you’d told the boss was true and you weren’t the only one at fault for Neil not being fully ready for that assignment. He was your friend, wasn’t he? And there was no way you’d leave a friend in need.

You pressed your lips together, forcing yourself to breathe.

Probably a stupid joke, nothing more.

But what if he was being serious? What if that thing out there was really that important? And you were about to fuck everything up because you couldn’t get your shit together fast enough to figure out the bloody inverted mechanism again. And with every minute wasted and not spent on resting there was a higher chance of messing up at the actual location.

Hell of a locksmith you were, huh?

The feedback from the tools came with a final warning like a sobering slap. If you were to continue, they would snap any second now.

You let out a shaky breath and retraced from the lock, hiding your face in the palms.

A gentle touch on your shoulder almost made you flinch. Of course, he had to wake up in the middle of your breakdown.

“Go back to sleep, we still have a few hours left,” you muttered into your hands, trying to collect yourself.

“Not before you talk to me,” said Neil as his fingers slid down your arm. He was crouching right beside you, the blue eyes boring into you with concern. “What is it?”

You sighed and shifted in your seat to face him.

“Wanna make sure I got it, that’s all.”

Neil’s brows knitted together.

“But I saw you open that lock once, why--”

“Once! And that’s exactly the problem!” you fumed and glared at the table. “I can’t crack it again, I--” your voice wavered and you gritted the teeth in frustration. “What if it was a stroke of dumb luck? Should I start praying for another one to happen there?”

Another delicate touch, this time on your knees, was enough to make you look back at Neil. A shade of smile tainted his lips as he searched your gaze.

“Someone used to tell me all the time that if you did it once, you can do it again.”

You hung your head and huffed, “Maybe that someone was full of shit.’

“I know for a fact that she wasn’t,” he chuckled, taking the tools out of your clenched fists and putting them back at the table. “She was utterly brilliant,” he continued, reaching for your cramping, trembling hands and taking them in his, ”and always reminded me to take a break instead of agonizing over a stubborn lock.”

That you did, all right. Your laugh sounded awfully close to a sob. God, if you weren’t exhausted.

Mustering enough strength to look him in the eyes, you squeezed his hands, trying to convey all the gratitude in the gesture. And hide that bit of embarrassment, too.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said and his thumbs brushed over your knuckles. “Scoot over.”

You moved back on the provisional bench, making enough space for him to sit next to you. And so he did, not letting go of your hands even for a second. He started rubbing small circles into them and you grunted softly. Neil gave you a knowing smile and soon enough, his fingers glided between your forearms and fingertips, applying pressure to the tensest places, careful strokes and precise moves bringing a much-needed release. You couldn’t help small groans escaping your mouth, every one of them adding to the self-satisfied grin hiding in the corner of Neil’s mouth. But then, instead of teasing you, his features softened and you caught his glance, warm and sheepish.

“I don’t think I properly thanked you for offering to help me with this mission.”

“I couldn’t let you have all the fun,” you laughed and winced as Neil’s thumbs worked on your wrists. “Don’t thank me yet, we still need to pull it off first.”

“Well, maybe we already have, from the typical point of view,” - he pondered, lighting up - “seeing that we are moving back--”

“Neil, please, I’m all for discussing it later, but right now it’s about to give me a pounding headache.”

When you met his eyes, you noted with relief that he didn’t mind you cutting him off like that. He knew that you were tired, nothing more.

“Right, sorry.” Then he looked at you with determination, suddenly serious. “Whatever happens… thank you. It means a lot.”

“Of course,” you said quietly as your heart ached with unexpected fondness.

Neil smiled, shaking off the sentimental moment. His hands cupped yours and gave them a light squeeze.

“Now would you please get some rest?”

“Will you tuck me in?” you grinned and batted your lashes at him, earning an amused snort in return.

“I can even sing you a lullaby if that means you’ll fall asleep faster,” he said, standing up and tugging at your hand.

“Ah, I’m afraid I’m gonna crash too fast to properly appreciate it,” you giggled as he kited you all the way to the resting area at the front of the container. “But I’m definitely taking a rain check on that.”

“Sure.” One final brush of his thumb over your fingers and he let go of your hand, smirking. “Now sleep, I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

-------

Neil proved to be an excellent companion.

You disabled the alarms simultaneously, paying attention to all the possible silent traps. Forcing the main locks went smoothly, almost surprisingly so. For having something of such importance hidden there, the owners of the place seemed strangely old-fashioned; it shone through the antique decor of the lofty apartment as well as the security choices. Too easy. Tuning out an intrusive thought rattling in the back of your head, you scouted the dark rooms, careful not to leave any traces of your presence.

There.

The office you saw in the photos.

...but they’d redecorated.

“That’s one fancy safe they got there,” you said nonchalantly, eyeing the ornament piece of metal lit by your flashlight, “Too bad it somehow got left out at the briefing.”

Neil’s face dropped when he followed you inside the room.

“Christ, and what now?”

Good question. You’d worked with safes before, hell, you’d cracked a fair share of them using simply manipulation. But never going bloody backwards in time. How would that even work? Was it normal or inverted?

Well, there was only one way to find out.

“I’ve got this.” And that’s how you felt, despite the initial panic. There was a method to it, and you had most of the things you needed with you. Perks of overpreparing. The only issue was-- ... “It might take a while, though.”

Neil nodded.

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“Keep an eye on the time for me, I gotta focus,” you said, reaching into your backpack and accidentally pulling on the thin tube. Right. “...and maybe on the oxygen levels as well?”

“Will do.”

Your brain switched into the challenge mode, and your fingers tingled to give it a try. Armed with a sound amplifier and a little notepad, you sat down next to the safe and got to work.

Figuring out your way in was meant to be a hit and miss, doubly so with the goddamn inversion. But minute after minute, click by click, you determined the first contact points, and the years of experience took you from there. You scribbled numbers and variations in the notepad, fully focused on the task. Almost there.

Another combination. Inhale. Exhale. Pull.

Gotcha.

“Neil?” you called out in the hushed voice as the beam from the flashlight landed on a small metal box of a peculiar shape.

He was next to you in no time.

“That’s it,” he said, kneeling down. He reached inside and took out the box, then carefully placed it inside his backpack. The blue eyes glimmered in the dim light. “Good job!”

“Thanks,” you smiled and closed the safe. “Now let’s get out of here.”

You gathered and packed all your stuff, double-checking for any leftover signs of your entry.

Then you heard it. A faint, slightly off patter against the huge windows. You froze in place as your mind tried to grasp the view of trickles of rain coming up the glass.

Neil glanced outside, not mindful of the absolutely bonkers scene that wiped any coherent thought from your head. Although judging from how quickly his face lost all the colours, the view he got was even more disturbing.

“Christ…” he uttered, shooting you a panicked look. “We’ve got company.”

You dashed to the window to see for yourself. A group of people was crossing the empty street, moving pretty much normally, and that only meant...

Fuck.

“The owners?”

Neil shook his head. “Impossible. The third party, probably.” With his hand already on the holster, he hesitated, considering the options.

But there were only two: fight or flight. The problem was - the numbers didn’t look good for you to try pushing through the crew downstairs. And as for the second one, your initial exit routes seemed to be cut off already.

Although, there was still one path left. You almost smiled to yourself. He was not going to like it.

“Let’s go through the roofs.”

Neil’s eyes widened. “Are you sure?” he asked, scanning your face for any sign of doubt.

There was none.

“Yes, but we have to leave right now.”

He swallowed with effort and nodded.

As soon as you bolted out of the apartment and rushed up the stairs, the footsteps coming from the lower levels quickened. Time was running out.

You were about to barge outside when Neil grabbed your hand as if he sensed what was going to happen next. The doors opened and you lost the momentum, startled by the view. Heavy showers replaced the drizzle you saw through the window, intensifying the nauseating effect.

The last strands of sanity threatened to leave you, but Neil’s touch was like an anchor, grounding you and keeping you from spiraling further.

“Which way?” he shouted through the hammering, almost deafening rain.

You blinked rapidly and looked around to match the data from the brief to the actual location.

“Over there!”

Wishing you’d had a goddamn collar to pop, you leaped to the side, guiding Neil through your only escape route. You let go of his hand to vault over the vents, and just as your feet touched the surface again, you heard distant yells behind you. Shit.

The high density of the area was working in your favor, but only for so long. There was meant to be a gap between the buildings sooner or later, and one of them was coming right up. The jump was doable, even for Neil - all you needed was speed and a decent launch.

But when your companion noticed the edge of the roof, he slowed down and stopped by a low parapet wall, cursing.

“No fucking way!”

“Yes fucking way, Neil, come on! We don’t have time!” you urged him as the voices behind you grew louder.

He swallowed with effort, too transfixed on the gap. You bit back an impatient groan and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to look at you.

“Neil, listen to me. You can do this. All you need is a run-up.”

He didn’t seem convinced. You gritted your teeth, trying to keep your own rising panic in check.

“Do you trust me? Yes or no?”

He met your eyes and his features hardened. There.

“I do.”

And when you opened the mouth again, the first bullet whizzed past you. You flinched, but maintained the eye contact, afraid to lose Neil’s newfound confidence. “Then go first, I’m right behind you.”

Neil nodded and backed away quickly. Watching him jump, your heart skipped a beat, but he landed on the other side without too much trouble. Good. Your turn.

You dashed towards the rim and another bullet missed your legs by a hair’s breadth, hitting the parapet wall right ahead of you. A little close to the top, as you noted, jumping on it to leap across the gap.

But the realization came a moment too late. The wall crumbled under your feet.

Enough for you to not make it to the other side.

Someone screamed.

Was it you?

It didn’t matter.

The world dissolved in a flash of agonizing pain.

And darkness.

----

Static beeping. The smell of disinfectants. And your every particle throbbing in dull pain.

Somebody was having a quiet conversation nearby. The Protagonist… and Neil?

A wave of relief flooded over you. He’d made it.

Grunting, you opened your eyes and squinted, waiting for your sight to readjust to the poor light. Weird. Why would they keep you in such a pitch-black room?

“Gents?” you called out, carefully shifting upwards, wincing. “Would you mind getting the lights?”

The conversation stopped and you heard a gasp.

“Lights? But it’s the middle of the day?” said The Protagonist, but Neil cut him off.

“You’re awake!” Footsteps and a sudden touch on your hand. Neil’s voice trembled slightly, as well as his fingers. “Are you okay?”

You bored into darkness, hoping to see the familiar face.

To see anything.

To see.

(next chapter ->)

#neil tenet #neil tenet x reader #neil x reader #tenet #robert pattinson #neil tenet fanfiction #tenet fanfiction #neil tenet imagine #the protagonist tenet #ives tenet #wheeler tenet #long nights

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

Text

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.