#Donit reblarg
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when you have to break a five year follow because someone swallowed the "to support Palestinians you have to hate jewish people" koolaid.
And no, just saying "i just hate zionists!" doesn't make it better, because zionism is literally just sitting there going "i think the jewish people should have a land to live in that won't try to kill them the second its vaguely convenient to do so". Even if that weren't the definition, slapping the distinction on arguments nowadays is just a quick way to say "i hate jewish people but want to have plausible deniability".
I'm sick of people deciding all jewish people are horrible just because the israeli government is pulling something.
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I wanted to write today and technically I did but also I'm now sitting at the hospital with my dad and its throwing off the vibe
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I tried CBD yesterday and am pissed off today.
Because I didnt hurt at all yesterday and now I can feel everything again and I am so mad.
Like that's just how "normal" people feel all the time! No pain! Just sensation of moving or pressure of something touching you!
It didn't hurt to sit down, to stand, to lean on things! Do you know how pissed I am that I cant rest my arm on a table without pain, but for like 5 hours i could????
The only downside I experienced was the taste bc it was in tea and it had separated and I got a big slap of oil.
I'm so mad and happy at the same time.
Bc if it doesmt fuck up my meds this could be my ticket to pain management that isnt super addictive. But mad bc I finally realized how much pain I'm in all the time.
Like I'm at 6/10 as A baseline, I just force myself to function. And it sucks ass.
Ugh
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Sometimes I think about how a former friend told me I'd never make good art bc I just "wasnt meant to" and how she had me convinced to never draw because drawing was HER thing. And sometimes I think about my shakey hands and painful struggles with proportions. And how sometimes I literally forget how to do what I'm good at if my heads bad..
And then I think about the people who bought my work. My first commission. The people who support me regardless of how I feel about a piece.
Art is good. I like making it. It makes me cry happy tears when people like it.
Thank u ppl who support me. I dont make more than 10 bucks a year off Redbubble but by god do ppl seek to like the lil doodles when I make lines.
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Nothing will fuck up a good day like being told you stink. Being told you stink in a very specific way is even worse though because you manage to get Details on it.
Worse is when it's not said as an insult just as a "yep you smell gross" neutral statement.
So basically I'm doing laundry in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason.
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Why cant I get waves of eczema self disgust when jts not 1am
Like yeah yeah I'm a gross disgusting mound of blood and pain and dead skin. No one will ever look at me and find me desirable once they see it. Best I can hope for is passing interest between flares, etc.
Can I sleep about it? Please? I'm so itchy
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Skin problems needing doctor visits is fucked up
Why skin broken and red, supposed be soft and skim color
Tired of itching and bleeding and smells amd scars
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Having really bad dyslexia means my brain is constantly doing like five times the work for normal ass communication
And for what
No one is impressed. I'm getting no good job smooches.
Add in my adhd and bpd and I'm basically running a mental marathon to be a person most the time
And no good job anythings.
"What you want a medal for existing?"
Yes bc my brain and body are against me!! Fuck
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Sitting my brain down and reminding it that my art is still good even if people arent commenting about how it made them feel or whatever. Its still valid and valuable artistic expression even if people dont say anything. And no notes doesnt mean people dont give a shit, and even if they dont it doesnt matter.
My brain promptly sets fire to the presentation board and cries for five hours.
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When u wake up with a headache so bad you cant see right or walk normal, drenched in sweat, about to puke, ears ringing... and still feel bad you called out of work.
"But why are you posting if you feel that bad, you're faking it"
Oh no I'm still miserable, I just have spellcheck and the power of my one working eye on my side. And insomnia. So like. What else am I gonna do. Be bored?? That's worse than the headache
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Every time I want to write, someone wants me to do things.
Every time I try to play game, someone wants me to do things.
Day off? Do things. Down time where I'm done with work but cant fucking leave? Do things that arent your job.
Then I'm too tired to think and I cant write and people wonder why I'm depressed.
Just leave me alone ugh I wanna do my silly little things not talk about bullshit.
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i sit down to write au things
my mother comes home and starts vacuuming and makes me move things around
i cannot feel my arms
i do not write the au
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fibro and chronic pain in general means sometimes i physically can't do things and need to ask for help
and then i feel like shit because i needed help and had to make someone else help me do the thing because i didn't have my shit together.
which is fun when no one else around you has a 'i physically cannot' point they regularly reach during business hours.
and by fun i mean i currently feel like i'm dying and going to break down sobbing because i can't unload the dishwasher all at once.
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Had flare up today, couldnt make dinner and kept getting out of breath bc the pain
Appearantly that is a "bullshit excuse" to not do things
I feel sick and I'm so tired
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It's been raining ash for the last few days and Bessy's breathing has been... very bad. shes lost a lot of weight and her eyes keep gumming up.
come monday we'll see if the vet has any openings because i'm seriously worried. She hadn't been eating for a few days and just now started again. idk how much water she's getting because she sleeps even more than usual.
i've been sunk into games to try not to think about it in the mean time and im just. i want her to be ok.
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I am in horrific pain and v v warm.
This is unfair, I feel
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