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k2ntoss · 2 months

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YO QUISIERA - JASON TODD

tw ⭒ jason todd x fem!reader, john constantine's sidekick!reader, swearing, jealousy and that's it, this is mostly fluff with best friend jason based on guess what??? ANOTHER SONG, yo quisiera by reik

a/n ⭒ do you have an idea of how of a sucker i am for jay????? this is just, i need this please show some love. reblogs and comments are appreciated and each one gets you a kiss on your forehead and a warm hug and yeah, i mentioned mbv because it has jensen ackles and he's my man <3

have you ever heard about not being able to decide who you love? well, jason has heard enough of that bullshit and he was sick of it.

it all started the day bruce brought back with him the man that the bat-kids could consider their weird uncle, john constantine and he showed up with a girl that was about jason's age. she walked swaying her hips a little too much and wore a smirk on her lips that made him a mix between upset and fascinated, there was also that white button-up shirt with the black trousers which made her look like a mini-me of the obnoxious sorcerer if only she wore also a trenchcoat and a red tie.

his first claim, after your first meeting, was that he didn't liked you "she speaks like she has all the right in the world" he said, voice gruffy and body a little too tense when dick asked him what he thought about you "she thinks she's funny but she's fucking annoying" and that makes dick chuckle.

"i think she's funny and smart, maybe you should try and spend some more time with y/n" dick tells him with a shrug before he leaves jason with his thoughts. there was no way on earth he'll get along with you.

but thruth be told, you were a little more giddy and nice that anyone could ever say constantine was and that made jason a bit less avoidant when it came to the times you were around the batcave and let's say that he just happened to get used to you, that's how he finds a new friend that he never thought would really understand him but he was mistaken.

since all of this it's been two years, it took jason a while to open himself up to you while you were maybe a bit of an oversharer but jason enjoys listening to your rambles, it's been so easy for him to accept you into his space in a way that's been noticeable to everyone around, not that they say anything because there are things that need to happen.

but what makes everyone tease him when they notice is how he seems to turn into a giddy kid whenever you're close, there's always a nice aura around you both but there are times he would be walking behind you like an overexcited puppy, following you from a corner to another because he needs to know what you need even if it's just a hug.

for dick that's just so funny, because he does remembers how annoying jason said you were and now he barely accepts going on patrol with anyone but you as his partner "thought you said y/n was annoying, you spend too much time with her for someone who you can't stand" he starts as soon as he steps next to jason and it causes him to grunt.

"she's annoying but she's my friend" jason says, shrugging it off before walking away to start his shift with dick as his partner "and what if i spend too much time with her? that's what friends do" the way he gets all defensive amuses dick and makes him giggle.

"sure thing, birdie boy" the nickname earns him a death stare from jason because that's just one of the ways you call him and if jason has to be honest he loves it but only when it comes from you "friends are running behind their friends like a lost puppy and looking at their friend like they hung the moon and the stars on the night sky"

"shut your mouth, grayson, she's my friend"

and yes, you're best friends but that doesn't mean he's not dealing with a big crush on you and he tries hard to hide it. maybe it works with you because you've never been wise enough with those things but there are things you can't hide from a family of damn detectives and the way he looked at you, how he spoke about you and the big amount of time he spent with you, yeah even bruce was aware.

jason had to deal with their knowing looks, the not so subtle glances they gave him as soon as you stood next to him because he was afraid that you could notice and that his feelings could ruin your friendship. it was sad having you so close yet not being able to do anything about it, he could hold his love if it meant you would be by his side even if he would have to see you around anyone else.

he wanted to be the one for you; he wanted to be reason of your nerves and smiles, he wanted to be the guy who would keep you awake until late just to talk a little bit more so then you could wake up feeling so eager to see him. jason wanted to be the guy you loved the most.

but instead he was your best friend, a shoulder to cry on and the first person you would always ask for advice before a date, which was the situation today. three days before valentine's day.

"and how am i supposed to know if he really likes me? i mean, he's nice but that can't be all" you start once you sit by his side, looking at jason with a small frown and your tone sounds so frustrated he sighs.

the question itself makes his breath catch because if he's not careful he could be giving himself away, letting you know how he feels about you and that is something he can't let happen.

"how am i supposed to know? i don't even know the guy" he replies with a low scoff, but truth be told he knows who the guy is and he also knows that he isn't worthy for you and it had been proven when he cancelled your date "but if he cancelled your date he might not be really interested"

"jay, i'm being serious! it's there something wrong with me?" you sink a little into the couch, arms crossed and a small pool of tears now forming on your eyes "why can't i have one single chance? why isn't there a single guy that really likes me?"

the only thing left for him on these situations is to lean in and drap one of his arms around your shoulder and he does, pulling you closer so you can cuddle yourself up into his side while he kisses the top of your head and bites his tongue so he holds back his words.

"life is pretty shitty, isn't it? i'm pretty sure the right person will show up eventually" he says softly, jason caresses your side while he coos you and there's a second when he swears he has a chance because you look up at him in a way that sends his stomach to do backflips.

he feels so damn jealous, you've been telling him about your dates and the guys that you hang out with and he wishes it was him instead. that he could be able to call you his, to kiss you and hold you, call you his girlfriend and have you all for him. he knows that's not even possible, he knows he can't indulge himself such a pleasure.

"i wish all guys were half as nice as you are, jaybirdie" your words are enough to make his face go as red as his helmet but he just pushes his feelings away again.

she's just being nice, you stupid asshole he tells himself as a dry chuckle leaves his chest mixed with an annoyed grunt "you don't want a guy like me, sweetheart, i'm sure as hell" he says in a whisper that you seem to ignore and he knows that it's better that way.

"now... i have no valentine's date so" he listens to your words and there's a voice on his head that tells him that this is his opportunity to get you a nice gift, to win you over but that's only possible on his dreams "would you be my valentine?" you asks, eyes still teary but there's a small smile on your lips and he wants to scream yes, he's about to answer when cass comes into the room.

funny enough to tell that cass is the only one of his sibblings that really knows from the source that jason is into you and they've both tried to find out if you have feelings for him and you do, cass knows and she has told him but he refuses to believe it. life isn't that good for him.

"ew, no" he says, his hand nudding your head lightly and he misses the quick glint of sadness on your eyes but cass doesn't and she coughs while giving jason a knowing look as soon as his eyes meet hers "why would i date my loser best friend for valentine's?"

rejection hurts and even when it felt like you were asking him as your second option thruth was that you've been scared enough to make any move. because this was special enough for you to want to be the one to actually court him, making him feel wanted and needed because he was important for you way beyond the friendship.

"yeah, no" you nod as you sit straight, clearing your throat to get rid of the knot that was starting to mess your voice up "it would be really lame, sorry. you must have plans already just for me to ruin them"

the sudden change on your attitude weirds jason out and it also scares him, did he messed up? yeah, he did he manages to think with the glare he receives from cass. sitting straight too, reaching her arm again to pull her back into his embrace.

"i hate valentine's, you know i have no plans at all" he says softly, trying to get you to look at him "but i can make an exception for you, what were you thinking for us to do?" jason asks, leaning in to kiss your temple.

"i was thinking we could watch a movie, you know..." you start, maybe a little less excited that he would wanted you to be and he nods with a small smile, his mind running with possible ideas until he remembers one of those movies with one of your favorite actors.

"my bloody valentine?" jason suggests, looking at you with a raised eyebrow and a smirk on his lips that made your heart jump. this was exactly the kind of things jason never gave himself credit for, he may not be perfect but even with every flaw he could possibly have he was there, trying to be better for those who deserved to be loved.

it was set, you left after a few minutes of discussion on what to bring to your valentine's movie night. as soon as you were gone cass came up to him and the way she stood right in front with her hands on her hips made him guess what she was about to say.

"i know i almost fucked up" jason starts, hands on his face as he grunts "but i just- how do you expect me to believe she really likes me?" he asks on the edge of losing it.

"jason, she's being so transparent about it" cass says, she sounds tired and maybe she is, this isn't the first time she's said this to her little brother "you're not the only one that's chasing after her all the time, she's also doing the same and you're just too hard headed to accept it"

those words play on his head on repeat until the time you're out of his room, hands holding a couple of bags with food and also a small gift you brought him. it doesn't matter how the night ends, you wanted to give him something special. jason opens the door of his room, a big and warm smile as he sees your face and his heartbeat grows faster.

he lets you into his dorm, letting you sit on his bed with your back leaned against the headboard and he drops to the matress, his head resting on your lap while you play the movie and everything is nice, you both laugh at the cranky 3D effects that are just so weird on a common screen, he teases you whenever tom hanniger appears on the screen and chuckles when you giggle.

he eats a little distracted, feeling so at ease when your fingers brush through his hair and he stops watching the movie to look up at you, all the happiness he felt being replaced by a wave of doubt, he wanted to accept the idea of you liking him back but his mind was always ready to mess it up.

jason isn't aware of the low grunt he lets out, sound that brings you to pause the movie to look down at him with a worried expression because you wouldn't want him to be wasting his time on something he didn't wanted to do. he feels your gaze on him, eyes fixed on his face and he turns to watch the screen.

"what's going on, red?" the nickname slips, it isn't so often you call him like that but right now it just seemed fair when his cheeks blush a little "is there something wrong?" and the soft voice you use makes jason want to cry.

if only you knew how bad he wanted to tell you, he was dying to let you know how much he wanted to kiss you and have you all for him.

"if i tell you something you promise me we will continue to be friends?" jason asks, it slipped and he wants to tell you to forget it but he knows it's too late when you tilt your head before nodding "i just... is it weird if i told you i wish i was the reason you wake up all giddy? is it bad if i told you i wanted to be the guy you cry over? that you really felt something else for me? i'm just dying to tell you so many things but i'm afraid you don't feel the same, i'm afraid to tell you i want you to be in love with me and lose you, that the only way to see you then is on my dreams"

with each word he says your cheeks burn a little more, your heart is about to burst when he stops speaking. jason is looking at you, waiting for a response and he grows anxious when you don't speak right away, he shifts about to stand up when you stop him.

"who says you're not already the guy i've cried for?" your voice is soft and he can't bring himself to believe his ears "i mean... i can believe you don't think about it but how couldn't i? when i told you i wished any other guy was like you i meant it... i thought you didn't felt anything else for me"

you want to keep talking, keep on telling him everything you've felt for him but your words are hushed by his lips on your.

jason is kissing your lips, his touch so tender on your face while his hands cup your face like you could break or vanish at any second. the movie was still paused and who could care about a hot masked killer when jason was reciprocating your feelings?

"do you mean it?" his voice is low, almost a whisper as he speaks after breaking the kiss without putting much distance between your faces, lips still brushing as he looks into your eyes.

"i mean it, red" and your words, mixed with that cute giggle of yours made his heart melt "i like you. i love you" you whisper with your eyes closed and jason feels like he's in heaven.

"i love you too, sweetheart"

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greensagephase · 4 months

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Blanca Navidad (Nonviolent Communication Christmas One-Shot)

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x SpiderFemaleReader (colleagues to friends to lovers; currently in the friendship era, so no romance.) Summary: Christmas Eve at Miguel's. Word Count: 11,928 (someone come take my laptop from my hands) Warnings: Mention of injuries and near death experience (from the past). Some Spanish included but translations can be found at the end. Lots of Mexican/Latin food mentioned; you can find some of those items in this reference guide. Short A/N: This is a one-shot for my Nonviolent Communication fanfic but can be read as a standalone. Masterlist Songs inspo: "Last Christmas" - Wham! "Blanca Navidad" - Matisse, Ha*Ash "Noche de Paz" - Reik

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! 🎄

You repeatedly offered to host dinner at your place. It was only fair, you thought, especially after Miguel hosted Thanksgiving at his place but he refused. Each time. The only thing he asked of you was some dessert because apparently he really loves your baking, so that’s what you arrive with to his penthouse on Christmas Eve. It’s 7pm when you step out of the multidimensional portal and into Miguel’s living room. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve been here now; how many times you’ve stepped into the space and hung out on his couches and talked with him over café de olla and pan dulce about anything and everything.

You glance at the fireplace as you hold on to your bag with baked desserts. Miguel’s penthouse is warm and cozy, a sharp contrast with the cold and freezing temperatures outside. You take a quick glance behind you to look out the windows. It’s supposed to snow at some point during the night and of course, the children and some adults were all excited about a white Christmas, or at least they seem so this morning when you did your morning patrol across your city. Your thoughts are interrupted when you hear steps, Miguel’s, coming from what you assume is the kitchen and dining area of his penthouse. You turn back and there he is. Once again, he’s wearing his apron since he’s cooking. He looks cozy and comfortable in a grey cable knit sweater, with the sleeves folded neatly up his forearms, and his dark pants. You notice his hair looks damp, which for some reason reminds you of the times you helped him showered so many months ago due to his injuries during a mission. Your free hand curls into a soft fist as you recall how his hair felt. You smile at him as he enters the living room.

“Hey, Merry Christmas Eve!” you greet him softly.

“Merry Christmas Eve,” he repeats with a soft smile as he approaches you. “Here, let me get that for you.”

You don’t decline or refuse his help, even though you don’t need it, when he motions for the bag with baked desserts. You’re learning to accept that Miguel is a gentleman no matter what, so you lift your bag for him to take.

“The food is ready, so we can go ahead and have dinner if you want,” he says with a soft grin, motioning for you to follow him into the kitchen, carrying your bag.

The scent of food engulfs you as you enter the kitchen behind Miguel, making you excited about the food. As you follow Miguel, you notice his Christmas tree is still up. You noticed it earlier this month when you came over for dinner on a Saturday. The sight was a nice surprise that day and even now, as it gives you hope that Miguel feels the holiday spirit this year.

Miguel sets your bag on the counter, careful to avoid messing anything up before he takes a glance at you. He noticed as soon as he saw you wearing a coat, reminding him that you were in Miles’s universe earlier. Mr. and Mrs. Morales invited the whole gang, including Miguel, to their annual Christmas Eve building party but much like last year, Miguel politely declined the invitation. Many things have happened over the year, the most important being Miguel starting his healing journey. He’s taken steps in the right direction, perhaps small ones, but they’re all significant to Miguel. Yet, when he was approached by Miles once again about the Christmas Eve party, he still couldn’t say yes to the invitation.

He’s tried more with the group over the last months but it’s still something he needs to work on. Besides, Miguel could already imagine the questioning of some guests. It would be too much for him. However, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t open to this. To dinner with you for Christmas Eve. He asked you a week later after Thanksgiving about your plans, wanting to plan better than he did for that dinner, especially because he knew you were likely invited to Miles’s building Christmas Eve party again. So, he asked you and you happily agreed to having dinner together. Except when you started talking about what you could cook, Miguel told you he was hosting and he shot down all your attempts, only asking for dessert, if you wanted. You wanted to make it even since he cooked for Thanksgiving but Miguel didn’t want you to stress out about cooking, considering you were invited to Miles’s universe. He didn’t want you to stress out over it or end up missing the party to cook, and besides, Miguel loves cooking and sharing food from his background with you. So, it was better this way for him. Miguel gestures to your coat now, a sign that you were at Miles’s universe a little while ago, if not minutes ago, out in the cold.

“May I?” he asks.

You look at yourself and realize. “Oh, my coat.” You smile at him and nod before he walks around you and helps you out of it. You thank him as he hangs your coat over a chair gently. “Oh, the Morales wish you a Merry Christmas and they sent food.”

Miguel nods, smiling softly as he watches you begin to unpack your bag. You set out the plates the Morales’s prepared, reminding you of last year when they sent you to drop off food for Miguel because they didn’t want him to spend Christmas Eve on his own.

“The fried plantains are to die for,” you tell him as you set down what you baked.

“I can imagine. Last year’s were great,” Miguel says quietly, remembering last Christmas Eve and feeling in awe that a whole year has passed already. Everything was so different then, he thinks. Last year, you were only supposed to drop the food off but you ended up staying until midnight. This year, however, you left the party early to join him for dinner. This year it was planned for you to come. Miguel smiles to himself. So much has changed. He clears his throat softly. “I will certainly eat some of that in a bit, especially the fried plantains. Do you want to have dinner now?” he asks. “Or, maybe you ate at the party and you’re not too hungry yet.”

“I’d love to have dinner. I didn’t eat much so I could save some space for dinner. I’m not missing out on anything,” you say with a soft chuckle that makes Miguel grin since he knows you like his cooking, something that pleases him a lot.

“Great, then we can start. I made some tinga since I know you love it,” he says as he gets into full host mode. “Go ahead and take a seat, make yourself comfortable.” Miguel walks around his kitchen island to the stove where he has multiple pots and pans of food, and possibly drinks like last year. “We can have it with burritos or with tostadas, whichever you like. There’s also…” Miguel continues, listing everything he has cooked, once again surprising you with his wide menu.

You listen intently, with a smile, as Miguel tells you about the pozole.

“I couldn’t decide, so I made a bit of both red and green. I think last year I made green, so hopefully you like the red one.”

You tell him you’re sure you will, considering everything he cooks is amazing. He goes on to tell you about the tamales and how he made different ones this year, too.

“There’s some with rajas de chile poblano and queso fresco. These are really good. And then, there’s the sweet ones. These were my favorite growing up,” Miguel tells you as he shows you small, pink tamales with dark spots here and there that indicate small bits from cinnamon sticks to sweeten the dough.

“Those would go very well with café de olla,” you tell him, which makes him grin.

“I thought you’d think so,” he replies before he taps a pot’s lid. “Café de olla right here.”

You grin back.

“Then, there’s some ponche and I made champurrado. I think - you might like it,” he says.

“If possible, I’m trying everything,” you tell him with a soft smile, which makes Miguel smile back.

“Well, no pressure but please feel welcome to. I hope you like it,” he says turning fully around to face you. “I forgot, there’s also buñuelos. So… what would you like to have first?” he asks, having a feeling that he knows what you’re going to go first for.

You stare at Miguel, knowing exactly what you’d like to eat first. “Maybe it’s surprising or not too surprising, but may I please have some burritos de tinga?”

Miguel chuckles. “Ya lo sabia. I had a feeling that was going to be your choice.”

You shrug with a little smile. “You tell me there’s burritos de tinga, I’m gonna go for that. It’s your fault I love them so much.”

Miguel shakes his head at you, amused. He grabs the flour tortillas from one of his counters and sets a pan to heat them up. “I’m glad you like them so much,” he says, truly meaning it. He’s cooked this dish for you a few times over the months ever since the two of you started to have dinner together every Saturday when it’s his turn to host. You tried it last Christmas Eve after he asked if you wanted to join him for dinner right on the spot when you dropped off the food the Morales family sent him. Come to think of it, Miguel realizes that was the very first time he ever invited you for dinner.

He had no plans to cook or to even be home. He had the opportunity to spend one Christmas with Gabriella and it was the first time he had celebrated in years after Gabriel’s death. After everything that happened with Gabriella and her universe and the events surrounding Miles, the last thing Miguel wanted to do was celebrate. He thought he’d spend the day at HQ like any other day, even if the building was vacant since everyone was off for the holidays. He tries to remember now, what was it that made him leave HQ and gave him the motivation to cook a bit of everything? He reasons now that it was probably nostalgia from those childhood days.

The holidays were always decent in the O’Hara household since those were rare days when his parents weren’t arguing or acting up. Those were also days in which Conchata treated him like a mother should. She spoiled Gabriel and him with sweet food like Mexican hot chocolate, buñuelos, and sweet tamales; even letting them add the food coloring to make the tamales colorful. Perhaps, it was those memories that made Miguel leave HQ last year. Either way, he hadn’t expected to be home. He had no decorations up, nor expected anyone but then there was Lyla, popping out of nowhere as he was finishing showering, while the last of the food was cooking, to tell him that you were looking for him because you had food from the Morales family. Before he knew it, he was inviting you to join him for dinner and you did, and Miguel enjoyed it.

“Do you want agua de Jamaica?” he asks, pausing his thoughts for now.

“Yes, I’d love some. I can get that for us, while you look after the tortillas,” you offer, standing up even though Miguel shakes his head. “I know you’re the host but you don’t have to do everything. You already cooked - I imagine for hours. Please, it’s the least I can do,” you tell him and he begrudgingly nods.

“Alright, if you wish to,” he says, which makes you smile as you reach for glasses from his cupboards since you know your way around his kitchen all too well, much like he knows his way around yours. You notice his pouting as he flips the tortillas, with bare hands as always, and hold back from chuckling. You walk to his fridge to retrieve the pitcher with agua de Jamaica, finding it endearing that Miguel insists on doing everything when he hosts. He tries to help even on the weekends when it’s your turn, always offering his help one way or another, and of course, you always decline but that doesn’t stop him from offering his help anyway.

You set the glasses and pitcher on the counter and walk towards him, standing a few feet away to give him space.

“May I help with something else?”

He shakes his head, meeting your gaze. “You’re my guest, Y/N. Please go ahead and take a seat. I’ll have your burritos ready in a minute or two.”

Your shoulders slump dramatically. “Really?”

Miguel’s eyebrow raises gently. “Really.”

You hum in response and walk away, defeated. With a sigh, you take a seat and now you pout but it’s quickly replaced with a grin when Lyla appears before you.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Y/N!” she says throwing her arms in the air in a cheery tone, making her santa hat move around dramatically.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Lyla.”

“I see you’ve been prohibited from the kitchen.”

You chuckle softly.

“I heard that, Lyla,” Miguel says, looking over his shoulder with a glare that Lyla dismisses.

“Merry Christmas Eve to you, too, boss,” she retorts with a roll of her eyes. “How about some music? Something for the Christmas spirit? I prepared a playlist just for this.”

“Oh, really? You have the classics, I assume,” you tell her.

“Definitely. Some are Miguel’s favorites. Or used to. I don’t know. It has some of my favorites for sure.”

“Like…?” you ask.

“You know…” Lyla shrugs. “Like ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham!”

“Oh, a classic,” you reply with a smile, approving.

“I knew you’d understand me. Let’s put it on,” she says and of course, the music immediately fills the air thanks to Miguel’s amazing sound system.

You nod in appreciation. “Nice choice, Lyla.”

“Thank you! It feels good to be appreciated for my music taste. Some people don’t like it.”

“That’s because you blast it at full volume with no warning,” Miguel replies grumpily, as he reaches the counter with two plates with food.

Lyla shrugs again. “It doesn’t sound too loud to me.”

“The burritos are ready, Y/N. Let me get the toppings,” Miguel says, deciding to ignore Lyla.

“Thank you,” you reply softly as he places the plate in front of you.

“Always,” he answers as he serves agua de Jamaica for the two of you.

“Ooh, should we see Miguel’s official holiday card? I look good in it,” Lyla says immediately displaying the holiday card every Spider Society member received before either you or Miguel can even respond.

Miguel groans quietly as he takes a seat. “Lyla, put that away.”

“I’m just showing Y/N. Look at my outfit. I look good in the card,” she replies with a grin.

You chuckle quietly as you stare at it, remembering Miguel’s mood since you were there. He didn’t want his picture to be taken but Jess, Peter B., and Lyla said he had to as he’s the leader and founder of the Spider Society. Despite Miguel’s protests, Peter B. and Mayday somehow managed to slip on a santa hat to his head, catching Miguel by surprise. He glared at Peter B., who was next to Jess in a flash, urging her to take the photo before Miguel took it off, and of course, Jess was quick to snap a photo. Now, everyone has a holiday card with Miguel glaring at the camera in his full suit with a santa hat while Lyla floats above his head, happy as can be.

“And there’s this one, too. Come to think of it, we should’ve used this one,” Lyla says, displaying a photo of Miguel, still wearing the santa hat but showing his face now, and you standing nearby showing him your progress on the society’s weekly reports. You notice the difference on Miguel. His glare from the official holiday card is replaced with a relaxed face and a small smile directed at you.

Miguel stares at it, noticing the difference, too, which makes his cheeks feel slightly hot, or maybe it’s just the heat from the food and the stove, he doesn’t know.

“Aww, I’ll let you two have dinner now, Merry Christmas Eve!” Lyla says with a smirk before she disappears, leaving Miguel and you alone with the Christmas music still playing in the background.

You grin softly and shake your head. “She really does get in a mood with the holidays,” you say as you add toppings to your plate.

“She does. She’s already too much sometimes and with the holidays…” Miguel scoffs in disbelief yet also in a playful way. “Even more but anyway - how was the party?” he asks softly as you pass him the toppings.

“It was great. There was more of Miles’s family this year, so we had to keep introducing ourselves to them. I think some of them thought it was weird Miles invited his school mentor,” you say with a grin. “That’s me.”

Miguel chuckles. “You’re the school mentor - I can see that.”

You raise an eyebrow, smiling and thinking. “Who would you be?”

Miguel turns to you, thinking. “I don’t know.”

“Hm… we’ll have to think about that,” you reply before you take a drink of agua de Jamaica.

Miguel grins, thinking that if he had gone to the party, he would’ve simply said that he was the school mentor’s close friend but saying that would mean stating out loud that you’re his friend. Despite the months, and the healing Miguel has done this year, his fear that something will happen to you still exists inside of him. He doesn’t want to jinx losing you - his close friend - by saying it out loud, directly. He’s alluded to it so many times in different ways to tell you how he feels. You’re his close friend. Yet, he hasn’t said those words specifically. Not yet anyway, but Miguel is certain one day, he will. Could it be next year? Or the following one? Miguel doesn’t know but he knows he will one day. For now, he says and acts on it however he can, whenever he can, in his own way.

“This is - as always - amazing,” you say with a soft sigh after having the first bite of a burrito. “I can never tire of this.”

Miguel smiles, amused yet happy with your reaction. He doesn’t know why, but it always pleases him to see how much you enjoy his cooking. He loves seeing that delighted look on your face when you eat what he cooks.

The two of you move through the other food, trying all the tamales, minus the sweet ones because you decided to save those for the dessert part. Miguel is once again, pleased when he sees you love the tamales with rajas and queso fresco. Pozole is last, and of course, you try the other kind he made.

“Which one is your favorite?” you ask him. “Red or green?”

Miguel thinks about it for a few seconds as he gently wipes his mouth with a napkin. “I think - green. What about yours?”

“I think green is my favorite, too.”

You grin at each other before you continue eating from your bowls. All the while, the two of you talk about the last few days and how everyone at HQ was excited for the holidays. Even members with few or no family, like yourself and Miguel, had plans with other members. The two of you talk about that, and how wonderful it is that the Spider Society has led to friendships so deep they feel like family. The two of you leave it at that, not wanting to dampen the mood with sadness of loved ones long gone though both of you think about your deceased loved ones anyway.

At last, Miguel brings a plate stacked with sweet, pink tamales. He sets it on the counter so the two of you can just grab from it instead of having to walk back and forth. He also brings along a plate with buñuelos, and of course, there’s the desserts you brought along, too.

“You want ponche, champurrado, or café de olla?” Miguel asks.

“I think - I’m going to leave the café de olla for last, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. So, ponche or champurrado… Or both?” he asks, a little amused. Noting your indecisiveness, Miguel adds, “I’m grabbing both.”

You grin. “Both for me, too, then. May I help you?”

“No,” Miguel says softly, shaking his head at you before he turns around to prep everything. “Thank you but no. You’re my guest.”

You sigh, knowing there’s no arguing. “Just let me know if I can help. I don’t mind, Miguel.”

“I know you don’t,” he replies softly with a smile as he grabs the mugs. “But please - let me do this.” He turns around, holding two mugs in each hand perfectly. He doesn’t need to say anything else for you know what he’s saying. He’s trying to move forward. He’s trying to show you his appreciation and caring for you. He’s trying to express what you mean to him in his own ways, even if it’s just him merely serving you food or a drink and taking it to you. He’s trying in his own way until he can say it out loud.

You nod and smile softly.

Satisfied with your reaction, Miguel turns around and proceeds to serve the drinks. You grin as upbeat holiday music continues to play. It seems that Lyla’s playlist is quite long and diverse since you recognize Mexican Christmas music. You listen intently to it, while Miguel fixes the drinks until he approaches the kitchen island with your two mugs. He places them carefully in front of you before he retrieves his, joining your side once again. You can’t help but think about how the two of you have sat in these same chairs ever since… exactly a year ago, almost as if you have unassigned assigned seats. You smile as you come to this realization, finding it endearing in a way but also realizing just how much has changed in a year.

One year ago, you were in Miles’s universe when Mr. and Mrs. Morales approached you, asking if you could take food to Miguel and stay with him while he ate so he wouldn’t be alone on Christmas Eve. You agreed because the Morales family has taken you in as part of their family, inviting you over to dinner and their gatherings but also because you had thought about the same thing. You didn’t like the idea of Miguel alone over the holidays even though your friendship was barely beginning. You had shared some moments with each other at that point like your celebration of Peter’s birthday and Miguel letting you see his ofrenda on Dia de Los Muertos. Miguel was barely beginning to open up and you knew it was too soon to ask him anything about the holidays but then, there were Miles’s parents, asking you for this favor. And you couldn’t say no.

You look over at Miguel as he brings one of the mugs to his mouth, blowing softly on it to cool off. You smile and grab one of your own, opting for the ponche first as you continue to remember last year. You were so nervous about it even though you agreed to it and wished that Miguel hadn’t spent the entire day alone. You guessed he was going to be at HQ like always, since you knew that he worked around the clock but to your surprise, he was here at home. You almost chuckle to yourself as you now remember standing in a dark and empty alleyway in Miles’s universe talking to Lyla, asking her about Miguel’s location to meet and give him the food. It was how you learned he was here. You remember Lyla giving you a hard time back then when you asked her if she could ask Miguel to meet you at HQ since he was home. You didn’t know where he lived back then and besides, you didn’t want to intrude on Miguel’s privacy nor make Miguel feel like you wanted to know where he lived but Lyla, who for some reason was busy at the time, told you she’d ask if you could simply come over, telling you that she’d give you the coordinates if Miguel agreed.

Then, you swear it took less than thirty seconds before the coordinates were on your gizmo, ready for you to travel directly to Miguel’s home, and that’s how you first entered his home a year ago, with plates of food in your hands, and party favors and cans of soda in your coat’s pockets, feeling cold from being outside to suddenly surrounded by warmth from Miguel’s penthouse. And of course, there was Miguel suddenly, standing in his universe’s fashion instead of the suit like he used to back then. It was the first time you ever saw him out of the suit. Now, the sight of him in normal attire is a familiar one. A lot has really changed since that night a year ago.

You turn to Miguel’s holographic Christmas tree, smiling. Last year he didn't have one when you arrived but he showed it to you afterward and told you all about them and how people in Nueva York design holographic ornaments as a tradition, though traditional trees are still a thing in some homes when they can be afforded. Miguel even showed you how to design ornaments before he had you design one.

“You want to look at it?” Miguel asks, noticing your gaze on it.

You turn to meet his gaze, still smiling and nod. “Sure.”

He nods with a soft grin and stands up, thinking to himself about how he actually put his tree up earlier this month. Last year he had no plans nor did he feel the festivities to put up his tree until Christmas Eve when you got here.

The two of you walk over to it, holding your mugs in hand before you stop in front of it.

You admire the tree, still in awe even a year later with the difference. In your universe, traditional Christmas trees are still the norm. Smiling, your eyes catch certain ornaments you didn’t see the previous year. You tell yourself you probably just missed them but you’re certain you would’ve remember seeing the ornaments with Conchata and Gabriel’s names along with the year they were designed on them. You silently conclude you wouldn’t have missed them, considering they would’ve caught your attention. Your eyes stop on one of Gabriel’s. You smile warmly at it, seeing the year it was made, 2084.

“Gabriel,” you say softly, tenderly, as if you knew him, though you never did nor will.

Miguel turns to look at you, smiling softly as he detects that tenderness in your voice while saying his younger brother’s name. It makes him feel warm and appreciation towards you even more, while also making him wish once again that you could’ve met Gabriel. He’s thought about it in the past a lot. He believes that Gabriel and you would’ve been good friends, too. He turns to look at the ornament, taking a drink from his mug. He wishes you could’ve met not only Gabriel but also Gabriella because he knows she would’ve loved you just like Gabriel.

Miguel consoles himself with the fact that you’ve at least met them in his dreams as he often sees them there. After what happened with Gabriella’s universe, Miguel’s dreams were plagued by nightmares, leading him to avoid sleep and only sleeping when his body was at the verge of exhaustion for months. He still has nightmares sometimes but his dreams are far more pleasant these days thanks to you. Ever since the spring after his near death experience, when he discovered that your scent and the sound of your breathing while you sleep help him, he has been sleeping better and with less nightmares.

Now, he dreams of Gabriella and Gabriel often. Conchata and his late wife sometimes make appearances, though not as often as the first two. Not as often as you now. You started showing up in his dreams two months after his near death experience and ever since then, you’ve become a regular. It’s how he consoles himself when he wishes you could’ve met two of the most important people in his life, Gabriella and Gabriel. You engage with them in his dreams and they both love you, which only fuels his belief that they would’ve loved you in life, too.

Miguel smiles softly as he thinks of them. There’s some heartache, and he knows there will always be. However, for the first time in years, Miguel doesn’t feel overwhelmed by his heartache like he used to. He doesn’t feel like that because he’s not alone. He looks over at you, noticing the awe in your eyes as you continue to take in the Christmas tree and how your eyes linger on something specific.

You’ve been admiring the ornaments, silently reading the different years of the ornaments and even finding some of Miguel’s from previous years when your eyes land on one specific ornament.

Yours.

You stare at it. You weren’t expecting to see it and if you were honest, you thought Miguel had probably erased your file or simply omitted it from the final copy last year but no, it’s on the tree. You wonder if he simply missed it and that’s why it’s on here as a simple mistake. You look around it, your eyes also finding the one Miguel made last year when he was showing you how the design program worked. It’s next to yours much like it was last year. You stare at the two ornaments until a screen, a tablet, meets your vision. You blink.

“Want to give it another go?” Miguel asks with a soft grin, offering you a tablet.

You smile and accept it, recognizing the ornament design program from last year. You look over at him, finding him smiling softly as he holds his mug and another tablet. You silently wonder where he retrieved the two tablets from since he hasn’t left your side. You glance at the dining table, questioning if they were there all along and whether Miguel planned for this.

“Sure, why not? I think I can do better this year,” you reply, still smiling.

“You did pretty great last year,” Miguel says reassuringly before he gestures to the dining table.

The two of you sit down, next to each other. The mugs are placed on the table before the designing of ornaments begins. The two of you design your ornaments, falling into a comforting and peaceful silence though soft Christmas music still plays in the background. It’s not until five or so minutes that the silence is disrupted.

“Aww, you’re designing ornaments! How cute,” Lyla says appearing between the two of you and taking a glance at each tablet. “No offense Miguel but Y/N is doing so much better than you.”

“Thanks, Lyla,” Miguel replies, not even looking up at her as he continues to design.

You smile and decide not to say anything.

“I’m just saying, it looks like Y/N has had more years of experience doing this than you. And this is your universe…” Lyla says.

“You’re so encouraging,” Miguel answers.

Lyla shrugs. “I try my best.”

You shake your head at Lyla and continue to work on your ornaments for a few more minutes until the two of you are done. You show each other your screens and smile as you see that you’ve both stuck to Miguel's Christmas tree theme colors and added the current year in Nueva York.

“You added more detail,” Miguel notes as he looks at yours, feeling happy that you even added the year underneath your name just like he did. “Are you ready to upload it?”

You nod and so, Miguel uploads both his and your ornament, saving it to the program. You both get up to add the ornaments through the tablet to see where the program places them since it’s supposedly done randomly, making it a bit of a fun game.

Miguel uploads his first, showing up somewhere around the top before you add yours. You both search for it and find it at last, placed just below his new one.

“That was fun. Thank you, Miguel,” you gently say, breaking the silence.

“It's no traditional tree but…” he says, looking at the ornaments.

“It's wonderful,” you finish with a smile, looking at the tree yourself.

Your response tears Miguel's gaze from the ornaments to you, his red eyes taking you in. He silently gives thanks for you, something he has found himself doing more as the months have gone by. He's quick to remember now the gifts he got you but a part of him is still going back and forth on it. What if you don't like them? Or worse, what if you find it odd that he’s giving you gifts? He turns his gaze away from you to look behind the Christmas tree. He placed the gift bag there earlier behind the tree, where he knows it’s not visible, just in case he brings himself to do it at some point during the night. He sighs softly, reassuring himself he still has time, and besides, he also has tomorrow to give it to you since he plans on inviting you for the recalentado.

The two of you stand there for a little while longer, admiring the Christmas tree, silently thinking about how much has changed in a year, and deciding that you wouldn’t change anything about it.

After a little while later, Miguel checks the time.

“The Christmas show will start soon,” he quietly says.

You turn, remembering. You thought about it earlier this month but it seemed to have escaped your mind today as it’s been a busy day. You visited your parents, Aunt May, and Peter’s graves earlier this morning to change their flowers since it’s Sunday. Then, there was your morning patrol because even on the holidays, you like to check up on your city, just in case. And of course, there was the party at Miles’s universe where you and your friends did a gift exchange just like the previous year.

“How long till it starts?” you ask.

“About fifteen minutes,” Miguel replies with a smile. “Plenty of time to drink the champurrado.”

You grin and nod, turning to walk back to the kitchen island. You take one last glance at the tree, your eyes finding your ornaments. You briefly think about how there’s now two ornaments with your name on them on Miguel’s tree. The sight spreads a warmth through your chest for you never imagined this. You turn away and follow Miguel to the kitchen island for the other drink.

He offers the buñuelos and more sweet tamales, which you happily accept. You eat and talk in the privacy of Miguel’s home with a holographic countdown in display, counting down the minutes until the holographic Christmas show starts.

“It’s supposed to snow again,” Miguel says as he turns his body sideways on the chair, facing you completely now.

“We’re supposed to get snow, too. All the kids and some adults were excited about it this morning when I was on morning patrol,” you say with a chuckle that makes Miguel grin.

You turn slightly, facing Miguel more with your body but still making sure to give Miguel space. Over the last few months you’ve brushed hands, arms, and legs here and there. It has been accidental, as you’re always trying to make sure to respect Miguel’s boundaries regarding physical contact. Ever since losing Gabriella in his arms, Miguel finds physical touch hard but you’ve noticed the way he has slowly opened up to it. It’s not much compared to how open you are to it with your friends like a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Miguel is not there yet but you’ve noticed the brushing of his fingers against yours when you hand him items has become more intentional than accidental on his end over the last few months, which makes you happy that he’s starting to feel more comfortable with it.

Then, there’s been the slight squeeze of his pinky around yours. It’s happened three times so far, and it’s been on times when the two of you have shared something personal. The first time Miguel did it was after he shared with you his childhood and Spider-Man origins. The second time was on Peter’s birthday this year when you invited Miguel again for your small celebration in his honor. There were a few tears on your end, for you couldn’t help but feel sentimental. You guess Miguel did it to comfort you in a small way, not realizing that his presence alone was more than comforting to you. The third and last time was over a month ago on Dia de Los Muertos, when he invited you to see his ofrenda for the second time.

Except this year, he invited you earlier in the evening while he cooked all his loved ones’ food and prepared the decorations, even inviting you to help him cut the colorful tissue paper into the beautiful and intricate designs to adorn his offering. He even made extra this year of everything so the two of you could eat and by midnight when the ofrenda was completed and lit up by flickering candles that cast shadows over the marigolds, you could tell Miguel was sentimental as his eyes scanned the four photos. His mother, his wife, Gabriel, and Gabriella.

You thought he was sad, naturally, but he was sentimental because he was recalling a dream - or was it a vision - Miguel still goes back and forth on this. It was the dream he had while he passed away for a few minutes back in the spring. He saw his wife, Gabriel, Gabriella, and even his counterpart, who gave him closure on his guilt for stepping up as Gabriella’s father after his passing. He thought about the dream that night on Dia de Los Muertos, as the two of you knelt in front of his ofrenda for the second time, and remembered Gabriella’s sweet words, thanking Miguel for all her favorite food and the toys he offered the previous year. He also remembered his loved ones’ assurances that they were always with him. He grew sentimental that night, wondering if they were there at that moment, with him and you.

You wanted to comfort him like so many times before but you knew and continue to know that Miguel is still not fully ready for such physical touch. He noticed it, like so many other times, and decided to let you in his own, small way; by squeezing your pinky with his own when he handed you a mug with café de olla. That was the third, and you’re certain it will be, the last time of this year.

It’s small but you’re very happy for Miguel. You’re immensely thankful that he has allowed you into his life and that he trusts you. You smile at him as you continue to face him.

“I can imagine the excitement. You can’t beat una blanca navidad,” he says turning to the windows, wondering if he’ll still be awake by the time it’s supposed to start snowing.

“That’s true,” you reply as you turn to the windows yourself.

“Three minutes,” Miguel says looking at the countdown. “Should we save the café de olla for after the show?”

“If you want to,” you reply softly, looking at your current mug. “I still have a little champurrado left.”

Miguel nods. “Me, too. Café de olla for after then.”

You grin at him before you stand up, fixing your top and feeling excitement. Last year you got to watch the Christmas show and it was amazing as it was all holographic and playing in front of Miguel’s building. You recall the Santa Claus even waved at you as he rode past in his sleigh.

Miguel and you head to the windows, mugs in hand. You lean sideways on the window just like he does, facing each other as you await. At last, the Christmas holographic show begins with a large and bright yellow star.

“It’s starting,” you whisper softly, eyes wide in fascination.

Miguel’s eyes flicker to you subtly, gently smiling at your reaction before he returns his gaze to the show.

The star begins to spin, rapidly, sending sparks flying through the air. The star spins so fast, it begins to look more like a yellow portal. Suddenly, holographic reindeer gallop out into the night sky before Santa’s sleigh and Santa himself fly out of the portal, pulled by the reindeer. He waves his arm around before pulling holographic gifts from his sack of gifts to show them off, even pointing at the windows and gesturing to the gifts as if saying “this is for you.”

You grin softly, loving every second of this but then it gets better because snowmen step, or rather glide out of the still spinning star/portal, waving hello before they start a dance performance that sends holographic snowflakes flying through the sky. You chuckle softly as the snowmen continue to dance while Santa and his reindeer fly above them. Miguel chuckles quietly as well, enjoying the show and briefly recalling previous years when he would stand next to little Gabriel to watch the show together when they were just kids. Gabriel’s favorite part was always when Santa made his appearance.

“¡Miguel, mira, mira! It’s Santa!” Gabriel would exclaim excitedly each year, waving his small hand through the glass window, hoping to catch the holographic Santa’s attention.

Miguel would nod, smiling and feeling the excitement himself but he showed it in a more reserved way, which always led Gabriel to grab Miguel’s top from the hem.

“Miguel, wave to Santa! He’ll notice the two of us! Miguel!” Gabriel used to say, pouting.

“Okay, okay,” Miguel would reply before waving, unable to refuse his brother’s demands.

Miguel sighs softly at the memories of his little brother now. He always thought he’d be the first to pass away, being the oldest, but life had other plans for Gabriel. Still, Miguel silently hopes that Gabriel gets to watch the show from wherever he is.

His thoughts fade away as a new thing happens, catching both his and your attention. A neon red string comes out of the yellow spinning star and attaches to Santa’s sleigh. Your eyebrow raises as the color is familiar and sure enough, it is. Spider-Man 2099, as a hologram, swings out of the portal and pulls himself onto Santa’s sleigh at the back. You gasp softly in both surprise and delight, turning to look at Miguel briefly to see his reaction. He looks just as surprised. Your eyes return to him, or his hologram version, as he begins to wave towards the windows, wearing a santa hat.

The two of you, and the rest of Nueva York, watch the interaction between Santa and Spider-Man 2099 as the man in all red offers the other one a plate with cookies. The superhero accepts one and nods back at Santa in gratitude before they begin to fly around, closer to the windows now. You’re smiling the entire time, finding it endearing that the city included Miguel this year in the holographic Christmas show.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Miguel says next to you with a grin.

You look up at him, smiling. “It was a nice surprise. I bet all your supporters are delighted.”

Miguel hums in response and looks at you with his little grin. “I hope so.”

“I’m sure they are! I’m not even from this dimension and I’m delighted by it,” you reply turning back to look at the windows just in time as Santa’s sleigh flies by Miguel’s windows.

You cover your mouth in delight as Santa waves at the two of you with Spider-Man 2099 just behind him on the sleigh. You can’t help yourself so you wave back at Santa and then at Spider-Man 2099 when Santa moves his sleigh further ahead so the superhero can face both Miguel and you. He gives Miguel a nod, which you find amusing considering the irony before the hologram turns to you. He leans closer and offers a high-five, which you reciprocate with a soft laugh as you’ve never seen Miguel do such a thing. Just as you put your hand down, the hologram gives you a wink.

“Oh,” you say simply, amused but surprised before both Santa and Spider-Man 2099 wave goodbye and fly lower to other floors. You steal a glance at Miguel and notice his eyes on the still dancing snowmen. There’s a soft blush covering his cheeks as he leans his entire body on the window sideways with his free hand in his pocket since the two of you have placed your mugs on the window’s ledge. Is he avoiding your gaze? You turn back to the show with a small smile.

Miguel stares at the snowmen, they’re still dancing and sending holographic snowflakes into the air. His face feels hot and he’s sure it shows. He wasn’t expecting to be part of the show this year, even though he’s been added to it before but what was more surprising was the hologram’s behavior. He smiles and shakes his head to himself as he looks at you. Your attention is back to the show. He hasn’t even offered a high-five to you - or anyone - since Gabriella, so he finds it amusing that the hologram beat him to it. The winking on the other hand… Makes his cheeks flush and wonder what were the odds that the hologram winked at you specifically. He sighs silently and returns his attention back to the show, thinking that his small embarrassment was worth it, considering you found the interaction amusing and it made you happy. He decides he can handle some light embarrassment if that’s the outcome, your happiness.

The show concludes with Santa and Spider-Man 2099 making one last round across the sky, snowmen dancing with snowflakes falling. They wave goodbye as they fly around before they head straight for the yellow portal, disappearing into it with a bright glow. The snowmen follow, waving goodbye, still dancing in a line as they enter the spinning star. At last there’s nothing left except for the spinning star which begins to slow down until it stops completely. It blinks in and out. Once, twice, thrice… before it explodes into tiny yellow flickers of light that begin to form words, spelling out “¡Feliz Navidad, Nueva York!”

You smile fondly as the show concludes. “That was awesome,” you say softly.

Miguel scoffs playfully. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

You nod and retrieve your mug, finishing up your drink.

“And this was really good, too. I can’t decide which one I like more. Champurrado or ponche,” you say, raising an eyebrow as you ponder this.

Miguel chuckles softly. “It’s a hard choice… Now add café de olla to the mix.”

“I’m choosing café de olla.”

Miguel blinks at how fast you responded, then chuckles again. “I’m taking that as a cue from you.”

You laugh. “I didn’t mean it like that but if you’re still offering, I’m not declining,” you say with a little shrug, which amuses Miguel.

He gestures back to the kitchen. “It’s amazing with sweet tamales.”

And that’s all it takes for the two of you to find yourselves back in the kitchen island with different mugs now holding café de olla. Since he recalled all those previous years, Miguel finds himself sharing those days, telling you all about Gabriel and how excited he was each year. You smile as he shares those fond memories, making you wish you could’ve met the younger O’Hara brother with the cheeky smile.

It’s past midnight when you look around the kitchen, noticing the pans and pots. The two of you have been sitting here just talking and drinking coffee but you realize you should probably head home soon.

“May I help you clean up?” you ask Miguel.

And of course, he immediately shakes his head. “Thank you but don’t worry about it. I got it.”

You frown softly. “I don’t mind. That way it’s done quicker and you can rest sooner. You must be tired after cooking all on your own.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it, Y/N,” he replies gently but you shake your head.

“Please. It’s the least I can do. We’ll tackle it quicker together. C’mon,” you say, standing up.

“Y/N,” Miguel replies, almost grumpily because the last thing he wants is for you to be doing any cleaning when you’re his guest but you’re already around the kitchen island, facing him.

“Does it matter what containers I use?” you ask him.

Miguel stares at you, wishing he could glare at you for insisting on doing this but he finds himself unable to. All he does is pout and shake his head before he stands up, giving up and accepting your help. Midway through the cleaning he decides it’s a good thing anyway, since it means that you’re spending more time with him here at his penthouse. It also gives him more time to build the courage and give you your Christmas gift. After some time, the kitchen is spotless and the food has been stored away. You neatly fold a towel over the counter before walking back to the chairs. It’s about 12:30 am, Christmas Day. You know it’s time to head home now as you want Miguel to rest, and you could use some sleep yourself. You reach for your coat, swinging it over your arm, thinking about something.

“I should head home now. It’s pretty late and you must be tired,” you say, looking at Miguel just as he walks around the kitchen island to meet you.

He leans on the counter with one hand. “I’m not too tired, don’t worry,” he says with a small grin. Miguel’s definitely a bit tired but he’ll gladly stay up later if it means you’ll stay a bit longer.

“You should still get some rest,” you reply with a small. “Thank you so much for dinner. As always, I loved everything.”

Miguel nods slowly. “Always. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

You hum in response, smiling. You nod, ready to wish him a Merry Christmas before heading out but he straightens up.

“Before you go…” Miguel starts, trailing off. He looks at the tree, gaining that courage at last. “Here.”

He walks to the tree and retrieves a holiday gift bag from behind it. Your eyebrows raise in surprise and for some strange reason, your heart speeds up. Did Miguel get you a gift?

Miguel walks back to you, standing just a few feet away before he hands it to you. He feels his own heart race as he watches you carefully accept the bag, with your eyes filled with surprise.

“Oh… Miguel. You didn’t have to, really,” you say so softly as you stare at the bag. “But… thank you. Thank you, Miguel,” you say with a warm smile before you remember what you were thinking about just a minute ago. “Wait, can you give me like five minutes? I need to go home. I’ll be right back, I promise,” you say as you gently place his gift bag on the counter. “I’ll be right back, is that okay with you?”

Miguel nods, wondering why you need to go home, though a part of him suspects the reason. “Yes, that’s okay. I’ll wait here.”

You nod eagerly, smiling as you begin to walk backwards, heading to the living room. “I’ll be right back!”

You head to the living room, quickly opening a portal as you do so. You return to your dimension and in less than five minutes you’re back in Nueva York. You walk back into the kitchen and dining area of Miguel’s penthouse with a large box wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper and an equally tall gift bag. You find Miguel exactly where he stayed when you left and upon seeing the box and bag, his eyebrows raise gently, surprised. You approach him slowly.

“I was debating… giving it to you,” you start gently. “I didn’t know if you’d find the gesture - as too much - and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I hope it doesn’t,” you finish softly as you offer him the box. “I hope you like it, Miguel,” you add sheepishly because you thought about it for days. What could you gift to someone who had the money to buy it himself if he didn’t have it already? What was something that you could give him that would be meaningful? You had to sit down and brainstorm.

Miguel takes the box from you because he doesn’t want you to keep holding such a large box on top of a gift bag on your own, even if you’re Spider-Woman and you can certainly carry more than that.

“You didn’t have to,” Miguel says softly as he feels the weight. “Thank you, Y/N,” he says looking up at you, taken aback. He wasn’t thinking about receiving gifts nor did he buy anything for himself as he’s not really about receiving gifts, at least not since he was a kid.

You nod and smile. “Always. And here’s the gift bag, too.”

Miguel places the box on the kitchen island and accepts the bag. “Are you sure?” he asks, raising his eyebrows again. “Whatever is in the box, I think that’s - I hope you didn’t waste too much money,” he says, nervously.

“Don’t worry about that, please. You don’t have to open it now if you don’t want to, by the way,” you reply, thinking now that he may find it more comfortable to open it without you around.

“No, that would be rude. I’ll open it now. If you open yours,” Miguel says, meeting your gaze.

You chuckle and nod. “I’ll open it here with you then.”

“You first,” he replies, holding the gift bag you’ve given him.

You don’t argue and nod, trying to make this a pleasant moment for Miguel. You pick up the gift bag he gave you and open it, before gently pulling out decorative tissue paper. You look inside and realize there’s multiple gifts, all individually wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper. You look up at Miguel and grin softly, shaking your head at him because you’ve done something similar.

“You didn’t have to get me so many things.”

Miguel shrugs, smiling softly. “I could tell you the same thing.”

You laugh and pull out the first item. It’s a box that you carefully unwrap, revealing a white box. You open it, finding the item surrounded in tissue paper. At last, you pull it to the side and find a sweatshirt. You pull it out of the box with a smile, spreading it open to see the design on the front. It has Nueva York’s skyline printed on it and the sweatshirt is in one of your favorite colors.

“I thought since you really like sweatshirts…” Miguel says, hoping you like it.

“I love sweatshirts and I love this one! It’s so cute, thank you!” you happily tell him as you pull it towards your chest. “Seriously, I love this so much! Thank you, Miguel,” you add much softly.

Miguel grins, relieved because he can see your genuine reaction. It only makes him more excited to see you open the rest.

“Go ahead and open the others,” he says gently.

You nod happily and continue, pulling out another box but this one is heavier. After carefully unwrapping it, you’re holding a brand new tablet from this dimension.

Miguel walks closer to you, hoping you like it. “I found a way to make sure it’ll work in your dimension, much like the gizmos and other devices we use for the society. You’ll have access to any dimension’s internet, if it has internet, of course. I… I always see how much you seem to enjoy working with the tablets here and I thought you’d like your own for your personal use,” Miguel starts, sounding excited as he tells you more about it and all the features you’ll have access to.

You smile and eagerly nod, happy to see Miguel so excited as he tells you about it. You can only look at him in awe as he thought about everything and any potential issues you may have, even thinking about a protective screen and case.

“I can tell you more about it later, there’s a few more things in the bag,” Miguel says, stepping back to give you space.

You thank him once again for the tablet, suspecting that it was rather expensive. You go through the rest of the bag, finding books for you to read since you’ve told Miguel over the last months about books you’ve read, and he has noticed it himself by spotting books on your coffee table. You notice he bought books that fit your vibe perfectly, which you find endearing. Along with that, Miguel bought you multiple packages of book tabs because he also noticed some of your books back home had some, marking passages that you really liked. You smile warmly as you put those items back, thanking Miguel for being so thoughtful, into yet another gift. He packaged the books and book tabs into a reusable tote bag with some of Nueva York's most important buildings printed on it, which you absolutely love.

At last, you reach the final present. You pull it out, the item feeling familiar. You look at it with curiosity and proceed to open it with Miguel's encouragement. You smile slowly.

“Miguel…” you say softly as you reveal four records. You read the titles, recognizing the artists. You smile at him as you realize.

Lyla plays music sometimes for the two of you on Saturdays when Miguel hosts dinner and during those times, you've discovered some new music from this universe. The only problem is that they don't exist in your dimension.

“Thank you… This means so much to me. You know how much I love their music. Now I can add it to my collection. Thank you!” you tell him warmly, wishing you could give him a hug right now. “Thank you for everything, Miguel.”

Miguel grins softly and nods. “Always. I'm glad you like your gifts,” he replies, truly feeling happy. He's also glad you don't seem to mind that he got you a few things, nor find it odd that he’s bought you gifts.

“Your turn,” you tell him softly.

Miguel scoffs playfully but nods. “Alright. Which one should I open first?”

“The box,” you answer quickly, excited.

Miguel nods and moves towards the box, silently wondering what's inside as he remembers the weight. He smiles softly at you before he starts unwrapping it, slowly revealing an image on the box. He pauses as he realizes what it is.

“Y/N…” he says, looking up at you with surprise and happiness in his eyes.

“I've noticed you don't have one but that you enjoy the records back at my universe so… I thought I'd get you one. I know the sound quality from the ones here in your universe is probably better but-” you stop as Miguel shakes his head at you, his hand flat on the record player, or its packaging box at least.

“No, this one is perfect,” Miguel says in such a way that there's no room for debate. “Thank you, this is so thoughtful, Y/N. I know exactly where I'm going to set it up,” he adds softly, grinning, already thinking about the perfect place.

You smile at him, noticing a glimmer in his eyes.

“Always. I'm so happy you like it… You still have the bag though!” you remind him, chuckling.

“Right. I got too excited with the record player.”

He grabs the bag and opens it, pulling out decorative tissue paper just as gently as you did with yours, finding individual gifts wrapped as well. He chuckles to himself, finding it amusing that you both did the same thing.

He pulls out a small box and unwraps it, revealing a pair of black mittens. His eyebrows furrow, noticing they'll definitely fit. He hasn't found mittens nor gloves that fit his hands before, at least not in stores. It didn’t matter much in the last few years, considering he was always wearing his suit but now that he's been wearing his clothes and going out to retrieve groceries, he could really use them with winter and all.

He picks one up and tries it, fitting him perfectly. Miguel smiles turning his hand and that's when he sees the small personalization with his last name on the bottom of the glove in silver thread. He chuckles softly, realizing you had these custom-made for sure.

“Are they okay?” you ask.

“Yes, they're more than okay.” Miguel looks up and shows you. “They fit. I've never been able to find any for my hands since I became Spider-Man. Thank you so much, and the personalization… I've never been gifted something so personalized. Thank you, Y/N, truly” Miguel says with a smile, knowing that he'll be using them a lot for the winter.

He pulls out another box and smiles softly when he finds books. Many months ago at your apartment, Miguel mentioned that he liked to read though it's something he rarely does these days. He recalls telling you that time that he enjoyed reading history and sci-fi books, exactly the kind you got him. The fact that you remembered this tiny detail from so long ago, makes Miguel smile in appreciation. He thanks you for remembering and promises to try and read them soon, silently telling himself that for the new year, he’s going to try and get back into reading.

At last, he reaches the final package. It feels heavy and when Miguel looks at you with wonder and curiosity, he sees a glimmer in your eyes, excitement.

With your encouragement, he unwraps and opens the package. He stares into the box, feeling a warmth spread through him. He looks at you and gives you a gentle smile before he pulls out the first record.

“You…” Miguel starts quietly, with tenderness. He can't help but feel ternura for you **in this moment.

You walk closer to him, smiling. “You've mentioned liking some of the records. Some are my personal ones, others were Peter's… and I remembered you didn't have a record player, so I thought I could get you one, and also some records to help you start a collection,” you explain softly.

Miguel nods as he pulls out another record, and yes, the two he's pulled out so far are records he truly enjoys from your universe. He smiles softly at you, filled with ternura. Your gifts are so thoughtful and sweet, and the fact that you've paid attention to what records he enjoys when he’s mentioned it in passing, makes him feel heard, appreciated, and… loved.

“Thank you - so much, Y/N. For everything,” Miguel says softly, almost a whisper. “I can't wait to set the record player up and continue adding to the collection you've started for me. Thank you.”

“Always. I'm glad you like it, Miguel,” you answer softly. “And if you ever just want to borrow one of the records, let me know. I'll happily let you.”

Miguel nods, smiling gently, in appreciation. You can only return the smile before both of you notice the white, soft spots through the windows.

“Una blanca Navidad,” Miguel says quietly.

“A white Christmas,” you repeat. “Merry Christmas, Miguel,” you tell him.

Miguel smiles. “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

You both watch the snow for a few minutes, mentioning how excited the kids will be when they wake up before Miguel continues to appreciate every record you gifted him.

After some more talking about the records and Miguel thanking you a few times more, you stand in his living room with your tote bag and bag with gifts. A portal is behind you, waiting for you to step in to return home.

“Thank you for dinner once again. Everything was so amazing! And thank you for the thoughtful gifts, Miguel,” you tell him warmly with a smile.

“Always… I'm happy you liked dinner and the gifts.” Miguel smiles back at you and then he remembers. “Come back for the recalentado, please. Just like last year,” he says, stepping closer. Ever since opening his gifts, he's had the need to hug you but it's still too soon, still too much for him to handle.

“Of course, thank you. What time is best for you?” you ask with a grin.

Miguel pauses for a moment, thinking. And then, he invites you for breakfast.

“The recalentado is for dinner. You can go home after breakfast, don't feel pressured to be here all day. I know you probably have plans to see everyone else at some point today and then you can come back for dinner, or… If you want to spend the day here - I wouldn't mind at all but you probably have plans and-” Miguel says, scratching his neck softly, not knowing how to simply say that he’d be open to you spending the day here with him without it sounding off.

“I wouldn't mind either.”

Miguel lowers his hand. “Oh…” He smiles slowly and nods. “Then…”

“I’ll see you in the morning - or well, I guess in a few hours?”

“In a few hours then,” he replies softly. “I’ll wait for you for breakfast.”

You thank him again and with one last goodbye from both of you, you enter the portal and return home. Miguel stands in his living room, the light of the portal fading slowly. He looks past it and out the windows, the snow is really picking up now. He smiles softly, planning on doing one more thing before heading to bed for the night.

The next morning you shower and get ready to go to Miguel's universe. You grab your gizmo from the coffee table, accidentally knocking off a notice you and the entire building received earlier this month from your landlord, something about not overloading extension cords and electrical sockets because of the holidays to avoid a short circuit.

You pick it up and place it back on the table before you open a portal. You find yourself in Miguel's living room once again, only a few hours later.

The fireplace is on already, making the entire penthouse feel cozy and warm. The sound of music fills your ears, except the quality is different and you recognize the song. Your eyes search for it and you find it quickly. You smile in delight as you see that Miguel has given his new record player and records a home in his living room, and that he's already using it.

“Good morning, Merry Christmas,” Miguel says making you turn in surprise, which makes him chuckle softly.

You chuckle as you take him in. His hair is damp from a shower and he's wearing a beige sweater that looks incredibly cozy on him. He steps closer, gesturing to the record player. His scent surrounds you and you find yourself recognizing every aspect of it - from his shampoo to his body wash and his shaving products to his deodorant and cologne, to his scent alone. You blink, surprised at yourself by how well you recognize the different notes of his scent, even months later since you helped him shower when he was injured and nearly lost his life back in the spring.

You push those thoughts away and smile at Miguel as he tells you about how he set up the record player after you left and that he's been playing music from it since he woke up. You don’t fail to notice the happy tone in his voice as he tells you about it before he leads you to the kitchen and dining area of his penthouse where a lovely breakfast, cooked by Miguel, awaits the two of you.

Over music and conversation, you have breakfast together. You don’t leave afterward and instead stick around, especially when Miguel mentioned there was a holiday special for the movie series the two of you got into when he was recovering from his injuries in the spring. And so, you spent the entirety of the day in each other's presence on this Blanca Navidad.

🎄❄️🎄❄️🎄❄️🎄❄️🎄❄️🎄

Translations: café de olla - Mexican coffee made in a pot pan dulce - Mexican sweet bread tinga - Latin dish made out of meat (pork, chicken) in sauce with onions, chiles chipotle, and tomatoes. Can be eaten on tostadas or as burritos (my experience) and topped with different toppings like sour cream, salsa, lettuce. burritos - I think everyone knows this tostadas - toasted tortillas; usually used as a base for different culinary dishes pozole - A kind of soup/stew made from hominy and meat (can be chicken or beef) and can be green or red, based on what chiles are used rajas de chile poblano - slices of chile poblano queso fresco - fresh cheese ponche - a Mexican Christmas punch made out of fresh fruit, spices (like hibiscus flowers), and sugar cane champurrado - chocolate-based atole, which is made of masa harina (in my experience). buñuelos - Christmas dessert; fried dough fritter (so good with atole) "Ya lo sabia" - "I knew it" agua de Jamaica - hibiscus tea Dia de Los Muertos - Day of the Dead ofrenda - altar for Day of the Dead recalentado - word translates to "reheated" but this is when you invite your closest friends and family to eat the reheated leftovers from the previous day of some event. It's supposed to be a smaller tight-knit group situation and less formal since it's with close friends/family. "una blanca Navidad" - "a white Christmas" "mira" - "look" Feliz Navidad - Merry Christmas ternura - endearment, tenderness; I still can't find a word in English that makes me feel like the word "ternura" does

_____________

Long A/N: Merry Christmas! I was hoping to have this out sooner, but the holidays got to me. I was also not planning on writing anything like this for Nonviolent Communication, but then I was like

Didn't I write a Christmas part (for Nonviolent Communication) back in like September because Christmas and Miguel just sound so cozy and warm? And now when it's the holidays I'm gonna miss the chance to write something for the story? In this economy? No. So, I got the idea and started writing, and here it is now! Thank you to everyone who responded to this post regarding what you'd give Miguel for Christmas. I had a horrible migraine while working on this yesterday and my brain was not cooperating. Thank you to @winniethewife for mentioning mittens! And thank you to @lulu-baked-beans for the lovely idea of gifting Miguel a record player and some records to start his own collection! I already had Miguel set to gift reader some records from his universe, so this was such a perfect little coincidence!

I hope you guys enjoy this, and thank you for reading if you got this far! Happy Holidays! ❤️🎄

Also, here's a little BTS of me working on this with someone special who arrived Friday (just in time to help with the tamales and everything else 🤣). He said he'd go with café de olla, too!

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crusty-chronicles · 4 months

Text

The Moon and Sun (Big Sib Reader x Gon/Killua)

Ch 15: It's too much

Synopsis: You didn't think it was possible, but you've finally reached your limit. And it just so happened to be when one of your boys needed you the most.

-------------

A month.

A whole month of being subjected to various presences appearing and disappearing.

One full month of being swarmed by ants and forcing yourself to operate through your own limits.

Four entire weeks of hell…but did you regret it? Not one bit. At least not in the ways that mattered. You didn't regret training to get stronger. To endure more.

You didn't regret creating a new ability that worked well with ‘your little problem’.

You most certainly didn't regret leaving anymore. Enough time had passed for you to be certain. You were free.

Everything that had been weighing you down these past thirteen years was finally lifted. The fear of facing anyone from your former clan was gone for now. You could let your paranoid exterior melt away without the fear of Reik coming for you. Of course you'd still be cautious with your aura, but you'd allow yourself to relax a little.

Suffering a month in hell was worth knowing for sure your presence wouldn't endanger Gon and Killua.

No, you'd rather die quietly somewhere than be responsible for more deaths. You didn't want them involved with what might happen. What had already happened once.

Maybe that was why you kept pushing them away. Why you simply couldn't tell them about who you used to be. You were scared of letting them close to you. Scared of losing another kid who you loved like family. To allow yourself to become attached only for them to be injured or worse.

The best option would have been to leave for good. But you just couldn't do that anymore. Instead letting yourself be selfish and push them away, only to pull them closer when YOU thought was best.

It wasn't fair, and you knew that.

But you were never a good person. You'd done so many horrible things. It was inconceivable for someone like you to be deserving of love and kindness.

Yet you craved it.

A life worth living with people worth living for.

So you'd continue to push and pull until they eventually had enough of you. Until they wanted nothing to do with you. A price you were willing to pay as long as they were safe.

The month had gone by far too soon for your liking. You didn't think you were ready to face the boys after leaving so suddenly. After lying directly to Gon's face. You wanted to see them more than anything, but did they want to see you?

You had a feeling they wouldn't.

Though it didn't really matter at the moment. You'd promised to meet them at the entrance today. You were nothing if not true to your word. So at the break of dawn, you took off.

Something about today didn't feel right. If you were an ordinary person you would have chalked it up to nerves. Maybe even brushed it off. But you knew your body and right now it was trying to prepare you for something.

As if sensing an inconvenience before it even happened.

Hopefully an inconvenience was all it would be. You don't think you could take it right now if it was something big.

Former hunter instincts had to count for something right?

You were just glad it had finally stopped raining. You should be able to make it to the border in thirty minutes tops. Plenty of time to figure out what to say to your boys when you saw them.

It hit you then, that they weren't the only ones you needed to prepare yourself to talk to. You'd have to confront the amateur hunters and tell them….

Kite was most likely dead.

You couldn't find him. You, who was able to track anything and anyone, couldn't find him. Not a trace of his aura that indicated he was still here in the NGL. Sure there was a chance he was able to retreat somewhere safely. But you highly doubted he would have been able to escape without killing the cat chimera ant. It wouldn't have let him leave otherwise.

You could try to convince yourself with fake scenarios all you wanted, but the one thing you couldn't make excuses for was the blood. So much of it splattered into the dirt.

More than you'd lost.

The trees in the surrounding area were chopped down with precision. Meaning Kite had fought, or at least tried to.

You knew. You've known since the first day you came here and couldn't sense him. But you still wanted to foolishly believe he was okay. Knowing your heart would surely break if the opposite was true. That once again, your own cowardness had killed someone you cared about.

So you convinced yourself until the nest was checked top to bottom, Kite was alive and well. You could let yourself pretend things were fine until then.

You could just barely make out the two giant trees by the entrance. A damn shame you still hadn't come up with anything to say. You could always say sorry, but it didn't feel like enough.

Not after both boys had gone through the trouble of making sure you wouldn't die.

What to do, what to d-

You immediately stopped in your tracks. Body tensing as an eerie feeling washed over you. Something cruel and strong had just been born. The malice faint due to your distance, but the fact you could feel it from all the way over here told you enough. It's existence was suffocating.

Worse than the other three that awakened prior.

If that was the king then…

You shook off the thought. Instead, pushing your legs to run at top speed. The sooner you met up with the boys, the better. You'd be able to fill in the other hunters that were here faster.

Yet the closer you got to the border, the heavier the pit in your stomach got. By now you should've been able to sense the boys. But there was no trace of them. Instead, two very different presences stood by the entrance.

You blinked twice to make sure you were seeing correctly. And sure enough that was NOT Gon and Killua. You hesitated on moving forward, waiting to see if your boys would eventually come out and when they didn't, your mind immediately went into a frenzy.

Creating the worst possible scenarios as to why your kids weren't here. Were these Morel's pupils? Did they hurt the boys? Did something happen to them?

Both men ahead of you felt tense. Anxiety radiating off of both of them, along with a little bit of guilt.

Guilt?

You were in front of them in an instant. Both jumping back in shock. The one with the pompadour took a fighting stance shortly after. Sizing you up before he realized he was completely outclassed.

The domineering presence Knuckle was used to having over others slipped away. It stood no chance up against yours. Looming and dangerous. Your resolve growing stronger by the second. Making both him and Shoot feel smaller than they were.

Insignificant.

“Who the hell are you?” Ice.

Pure ice in your tone. Not an ounce of nen was used, and yet your demeanor alone was overpowering. But Knuckle could faintly see a protective anger rising.

Protective and defensive. Like an animal defending its young. And if that was the case, then you were most likely the one the boys were talking about. Their big sibling that they described as tired and unbothered most of the time. Yet had the potential to be just as menacing if you wanted to. And right now, you were more than menacing.

Your rising anger made sense considering how things must've looked. It was best to try and defuse the situation before you actually killed one of them. Shoot, who'd come to the same conclusion, was already on it.

“You're Y/n right? Gon and Killua talked highly of-”

“Where are they. What did you do.” Your accusation hanging heavily in the air. The tension so heavy, neither of them could speak.

It was as if you believed they killed them. And that definitely warranted your reaction. But it was far from the truth. The boys were perfectly fine. So why couldn't either of them tell you that?

Why was the way your tired eyes glared at them so paralyzing?

Afraid to even say the wrong word.

“They stayed behind. They put up a good fight-” Knuckle didn't get a chance to finish before you were already gone.

Both men letting out a sigh of relief once they were sure you were gone.

“We almost died just now, didn't we?” Shoot mumbled.

“...It’s no wonder Gon and Killua struggled in combat. With a power like that protecting them, they wouldn't even need to lift a finger. Let alone worry about getting hurt. If they'd been with the boys back there, we would've lost for sure.” Knuckle noted.

He could see why both boys respected you, but damn did you put the fear of God in him.

—--------

You zipped between the giant trees with ease. Anxious of what you'd find beyond them. You were hoping with your entire being they were okay. Because if something happened to those boys….

You might just have to break your promise.

You stood at the entrance and immediately focused your eyes. Your heart beating rapidly against your ribcage until you finally saw them.

But something was clearly wrong.

Unbridled sadness was in both of their auras. Grief mixing in. Gon was hunched over with Killua right besides him.

Were those tears?

Your body seemed to move on its own. Once again rushing, but this time your purpose was different. Wanting to comfort them from whatever happened while you were gone.

“Hey, hey, hey, what happened? Kid, you're crying.” Your tone much different than the one you used with Knuckle and Shoot. Soft and warm. Enough for both boys’ heads to shoot up in your direction.

“Y/n?” Gon hesitantly asked before it registered that you were really there.

“Y/n!”

You barely had enough time to think before you were engulfed in a tight hug. Arms wrapped so tightly around you it bordered on hurting. It took a few seconds for you to return it.

You could feel Gon shaking against you. Head pressed firmly against your stomach as he continued to cry.

“I was-I was too weak! I let you down!”

Your heart broke at his sob. You knew he was always so hard on himself. That every time something went wrong he'd blame it on his own shortcomings. So why the hell in your idiot mind did you think it was okay to add even more pressure to that. To say ‘win because I'll be waiting.’

“I’m so sorry! I tried, I really tried my best but it just wasn't good enough!” His grip tightened slightly around you.

You did your best to rub soothing circles into his back. How many times had you assured him it was never his fault? How many more would there be in the future? It didn't matter. You'd continue to reassure him as many times as it took for the weight on his shoulders to be lifted. As many times as he needed.

“You didn't let me down. You know I could never be disappointed in you right?”

He shook his head against you, unbelieving in your words. And once again you blamed Ging for constantly setting his son up to compare himself to others. He couldn't do this or he couldn't do that. He wasn't as strong as so-and-so.

That didn't make him any lesser of a person and it never would.

“Look at me. Can you do that? Let me see you?” You gently coaxed his head up, taking in his ashamed expression. Tears and snot alike running down his face. But right now you could care less about that.

“I don't care if you were able to get those game pieces or not. I'm just relieved you're okay. That you're both okay.” Your eyes briefly glancing over towards Killua who still stood a little ways away.

“You did your best and that's all I could ask for. Okay? Don't beat yourself up over nothing.”

“But Kite-” Gon tried to protest.

“I'm sure that old geezer and his gang of goons will be able to find him. And you know he wouldn't be upset with you either. He'd be just as proud you did your best. So please don't be upset about something that's out of your control. You did just fine.”

You hoped that would've been enough to calm him down. His tears had stopped, but his grip hadn't waivered. Opting to once again press his head into your stomach. To let your warm presence engulf him before it once again disappeared.

“Don't leave us again.” He pleaded.

A promise you couldn't make just yet. Something was stopping you from doing it. A feeling of uncertainty. So instead you settled on-

“Let's get you and Killua home.”

Home. Your home was with them. And that was finally enough for Gon's arms to go lax around you. Nodding feebly and keeping as close to you as possible for now.

Your gaze once again drifted towards Killua. He wasn't crying anymore, but he still looked very tense.

“And you? How are you feeling?” You made a gesture for him to come closer. Wanting to hug both of your boys. This past month taking it's toll on you.

“I'm fine.” The answer felt distant. Almost dismissive. You could see that he was lying to you, but that wasn't the issue. He wasn't lying because he didn't want you to worry, but because he didn’t think you had to know. Deserve to know.

However, there was so much hesitation there, as if he was fighting with himself to not run over to you.

You didn't like this and how the looming feeling from earlier seemed to intensity.

—------------------

It was surprising how empty the jeep was. You'd grow used to being packed up like sardines. To being surrounded by so many people. Something you never thought would happen.

In a sense you were glad. You wouldn't feel their heavy stares as much when you told them about Kite. Or perhaps you felt the guilt wouldn't weigh as much. Yet you knew the outcome would be the same regardless of if they were all here or not.

You'd stammer your way through an apology and ultimately be hated for not being able to find him.

It was only Mon, Stick, and Spin who came this time. The later sitting in the back with you and the boys. You were dreading when she'd ask the inevitable question. It was only a matter of time.

Gon clung tightly to your arm, refusing to relinquish your comfort for even one second. And while you knew he was hurting, you couldn't even begin to imagine what the other three were going through.

Uncertain of their mentor’s fate, yet still holding strong.

You wished the same was true for you. You'd cried that first day. Seeing the aftermath of what that stupid cat did. Hell, the sight was enough to make you pass out.

But you knew it wasn't your place to grieve. You had absolutely no right to be upset when his students had known him for years. Who were you to make a fuss? Just because you had feelings for him?

To act out like that would be selfish and inconsiderate. Disgraceful.

You'd thought about pulling the boys to the side and explaining it to them. That no matter how upset they were about Kite, it wasn't their place or their right to cry in front of the amateur hunters about what happened.

But….

They were just kids.

Their emotions were valid. To say otherwise would diminish them. To say ‘stop crying, you don't deserve too’ would be cruel. All too reminiscent of your own upbringing. The last thing you wanted was to repeat the mistakes inflicted on you.

So you continued let Gon sniffle against your arm and Killua lean against your shoulder. You continued to sit in the awkward silence as Spin sat from across you. You continued to bite your tongue until you were spoken to directly.

“Were you able to get anything on Kite?” Spin asked at last. Though her demeanor was a lot less hostile than you were expecting.

In front of you were two choices. You could either lie or tell the truth.

‘I’m sorry. I was so focused on training that I didn't really have the time to look.’

Definitely not. How disgusting of a human being would you have to be to say that? Like you couldn't have cared less about him after running away. You were sure you'd be tossed out of the jeep for that one.

‘I searched everywhere for him,. but all I found was blood. I'm sorry but he's gone. There was nothing I could do about it.’

But if you said that then you'd have to admit to yourself he was actually dead. And you weren't quite ready for that yet. As much as they deserved to know, you just couldn't say it.

“Every trail I followed ended up leading to nothing. My senses are still dulled from my previous injuries, so I wasn't able to get much anyways…I'd place a wager he's probably using zetsu to keep out of the ants’ radar. Don't count him out just yet.”

Lies.

All lies.

But you'd fooled yourself into believing they were true.

As long as there was hope, there was a chance.

“Thank you for trying. And before you start apologizing again, don't. Got it?” She warned.

As if sensing your inner turmoil. But in reality it was the image of you knocking on death's door just to say you were sorry to them. To push your own needs aside to make amends.

There wasn't anything to make up for, at least not in her eyes.

So the conversation was left at that with a nod of confirmation from you.

Another long silence, except it was a bit more manageable this time. By now Gon's sniffles had completely stopped. A few minutes later, it was him who interrupted the silence.

“Y/n.” He called.

You gave a small hum to show you were listening.

“You can make me stronger, can't you?”

You tensed up at the question. You very well could make both boys stronger, but you didn't want to use your clan’s methods to do it. Unfortunately for you, that was the only way you knew how. You should've said no.

“...Yes…” you answered.

“Then I want you to train me.” There was a resolve brewing in his eyes. One let you know he wouldn't take no for an answer.

“Knuckle and the other Hunters are going to save Kite, I'm sure if it.” He'd let go of your arm in favor of facing you fully.

“So I have to get a whole lot stronger, because Kite's coming back. And I won't disappoint him!”

Atta boy.

No more tears.

And before you could reassure him that Kite would never be disappointed, Spin decided to speak up.

“So your head's on straight after all?” It felt playful. Not angry or accusing. In fact, her aura surged with assurance. And when she addressed Gon, it was a light scolding coming from a good place.

“It's true that you may have met Kite before we did, but the fact remains that we've spent much more time with him than you have.”

A point you'd rationalized earlier. Maybe you were a little glad you weren't the one who had to explain it to them.

“If you were still mopping around after we'd crossed the mountains, I was gonna beat you up.” She paused before shaking her head. As if to rid the thought away before continuing.

“Then I'd tell you Kite wouldn't want to see you like this. Any of you.”

Because Kite had always been a good person. Even if he pretended to be a hardass sometimes.

“I'm positive that he's still alive. And I'm absolutely certain he wouldn't want the three of you to have any regrets. Especially you,” Spin pointed directly at you.

But however comforting her words sounded, you'd always blame yourself. How could you not regret being responsible for someones death? How could you sit in front of her and pretend everything was fine when you knew it wasn't?

Lies.

Lying to yourself and everyone around you.

You were hoping this was the inconvenience you were sensing earlier, but the feeling still hadn't left.

You tuned back into the conversation at a good time. With Spin encouraging Gon to continue training if he wasn't strong enough. Only for said boy to start doing handstands.

Whatever worked you guessed.

As long as he wasn't upset anymore.

Which reminded you, what the hell was that thing hovering over him? Another cat like creature. This one purple with a Cheshire grin. You were starting not to like cats anymore.

You'd ask him about it later. You directed your attention to Killua who continued to avoid your gaze.

Was he mad at you?

No, he didn't feel angry. If anything, he still felt sad. Bordering on depressed. Not good.

You'd be sure to talk to him later. It was unlike the small assassin to be so quiet. To be distant from both you and Gon. The melancholy look in his eyes certainly didn't help ease your worries.

“Hey Spin?” Gon called after a while.

“Hmm.”

“Why do you want to be a hunter?” His go to ice breaker. You don't think he'd ever tire of asking it.

“Because I need the money so that I can repay an enormous debt,” she answered. A thoughtful expression on her face before she continued explaining.

Telling the story of how when her and Stick were smaller, they did everything they could to help out a special type of swan. One that only inhabits an area around a certain mine.

Their only option was to try and buy the land. And here's the kicker: Kite was the one who helped finance it. The only one who listened to their concerns and helped without expecting anything in return.

If you thought you couldn't fall any deeper in love with him, then you were wrong.

Kite really was someone special, wasn't he?

If you ever saw him again, you'd spend the rest of your life making things right. He deserved that much.

—-------------------

“Hey, Y/n. Before we get off, we should really tell you something.” Gon started, almost anxiously.

You arched a brow at his worried tone before exiting the jeep to help him and Killua down.

“And what's that?”

“Well, you see….” He trailed off before Killua took over.

“We kinda promised a psycho lady we'd beat Knuckle and Shoot. And she said if we couldn't do it she'd um…. How strong did you say you were again?” Because now that Gon’s nen was temporarily gone, he wouldn't be able to defend himself.

But you didn't know about that yet.

So when you only gave them an even more baffled look, he didn't really blame you.

“Just look.” Killua pointed behind you.

Your eyes widening as you saw a visibly unstable aura consume the entire building.

“What the actual fuck?” You mumbled in disbelief.

This must've been what your body was anticipating. Such a malicious and bloodthirsty aura. Intent so thick it was actually visible to the naked eye. You would have sensed it sooner had you not been so preoccupied with the boys. But now that you were focusing on it, it was incredibly intense.

Yet, it would never be as bad as what you felt all those years ago. However evil this woman's was, it didn't hold a candle to Reik's. So after making sure both boys were behind you, you wasted no time barging in.

You had to use a small barrier of your own aura to ward off hers. Creating a makeshift shield in order to go deeper into the small home.

You scanned the area with your eyes until you saw what room she was in. Wasn't that your room??? You shook the thought off and approached the door.

“Remember, I tell you to leave, you leave. She feels fairly strong so if I can't handle her, I need to know you two will be safe.” You reminded.

They nodded, not wanting Palm to hear them.

You slowly opened the door. Only a sliver of a way open and you had to do a double take of what you were seeing. She was stabbing something.

WAS THAT A DOLL OF GON?!?!?

Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

Why were there multiple of them?!?!?

Her head snapped towards you. Eyes bloodshot and crazed. But she wasn't looking at you. She was looking through you. As if you weren't there. Fixated on the two boys behind you.

“You'll pay for this.”

Both boys clung desperately to your side as she stood up. You lifted one of your arms up, preparing to use either your Caster's Net or your new ability. If she attacked, you'd stop her.

“You promised me.” She continued.

“You swore that you would take me to the NGL. You said if you broke that promise, you'd stick a thousand needles in your eye.”

Yup, you'd heard enough.

“You're not gonna lay a single finger on them. If you hurt even one of my boys…I'll make you suffer.” Your threat hanging heavier than hers.

Allowing your protective aura to be seen and envelop Gon and Killua. Palm finally met your gaze. Noticing you for the first time since you've been here.

“This doesn't concern you.” She snapped.

“The hell it doesn't, these are my kids!” You rebuttabled.

“I don't give a damn about what they promised you. They're children. They say things they don't mean all the time. You can't just hold that over their heads because you didn't get the result you wanted!” You were about at your limit already.

Too many damn expectations placed upon these boys. Just because they were strong, it didn't mean they weren't still kids capable of making mistakes. The more people like this you stumbled upon, the more faith you lost.

But before you could continue arguing with Palm, there was a tug on your sleeve. You looked down and were met with determined honey-colored eyes.

“I know me and Killua are still young, but I did mean what I said. I promised Palm we would win because I really thought we'd be able to do it. You're only as good as your word, right? So let me take responsibility.”

You wanted to double down. To tell him not to worry about it. That you'd take care of it. But you knew he was right. A promise made was a promise kept.

You just wished he hadn't used your own morals against you. That he was trying to follow them. He really was a good kid….And he was growing up too fast.

“Ugh, fine. Let the murder lady walk all over you, why don't you?” You gave in. Gon beamed up at you before glancing over your shoulder to address Palm.

“I'm sorry, is there a way that I can make amends?” He asked.

Palm seemed to think it over for a minute. The malicious intent in her aura slightly dissipating.

“There is! You must accomplish any one task that I set before you.”

Why did that sound familiar? Oh, you knew why. It was the same thing you told the boys when they were so adamant on paying you back for Greed Island. But you didn't have a very good feeling about what Palm wanted from Gon.

“Wait a sec! Think about how Gon is feeling!” Killua tried to defend, but as always, the boy in green was quick to make an impulsive decision.

“Fine. Okay.”

There wasn't even a second of silence before Palm made her request.

“Go out with me.”

“Deuueaugh!” A noise of utter and complete shock leaving you.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!” You recovered.

“And why not?” Palm questioned, as if that was a perfectly normal response to why a grown woman shouldn't be going out with a 12 year old.

And the worst part, poor little Gon wasn't even phased.

“AM I HAVING A STROKE RIGHT NOW???? FIRST HISOKA AND NOW HER!?!? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!?!?”

“It's no big deal. I said I'd do anything,” Gon dismissed. But you simply weren't having it.

“DON'T ACT LIKE I'M THE ONE BEING CRAZY!!! KILLUA, HELP ME OUT HERE!”

“Y/n is right! Gon, do you have any idea what you're doing!?!? And you-” he pointed towards Palm.

“IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN!?!? JUST THINK FOR A SECOND!”

“THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE! HE'S TWELVE! A BABY!!! I REFUSE TO ALLOW THIS!”

But all you and Killua received in return was a glare.

“This is none of your business. It's between Gon and me and it's settled. Just between Gon and me, mmmm, oh goodness,” she squealed.

“I said no.”

Your icy tone immediately catching her attention.

“Look, I'm sorry he promised you something he couldn't do. And I know he said he'd do anything to make it right, but I refuse to allow you to take advantage of my little brother. If your heart is desperately set on a date, then you can have me or you can get nothing. Understand?”

You didn't have time to go over the list of reasons why it was wrong for this grown woman to try and romance a kid. So to save time and get this over with, you offered yourself, the only other adult in the room.

Even though you wanted nothing to do with this woman.

But after the words left your lips her face immediately flushed. The phrase ‘you can have me’ making her internally squeal. And whether it was your fiery tone or the offer itself, your fate was unfortunately sealed.

“Yessss. You'd do just nicely.”

You heard the boys gulp from behind you. A slight protectiveness now radiating off both of them. Palm on the other hand, had finally calmed down. Apparently fantasizing about what to do.

“There's already somewhere I really want to go.”

“Today?” You questioned.

“I'm sorry but I just got back from a month of training. I need some time to unwind before I can go anywhere. That and I'd like to spend some time with my boys.” You explained.

You already had a huge headache from just conversing for a few minutes. You'd be snippy and pissed the entire day if she forced you to go anywhere now.

But that wasn't exactly the answer Palm wanted to hear. A knife placed firmly against your throat.

“Don't you dare-!” Killua made a move to disarm her, but you raised a hand to signal him to stop.

The bags under your eyes increasing significantly. Tired and unimpressed. Like you were over this entire situation.

“What are you talking about? We are going out. You said you'd take his place, didn't you?” You didn't like how calm her voice was right now. Knowing one wrong word and she'd surely snap again.

“Yes but-”

“THEN WHY ARE BLOWING ME OFF FOR THESE BRATS!!!! WE'RE DATING AND THIS WILL BE OUR FIRST DATE! YOU HEAR ME!?!? OUR! FIRST! DATE!” She threatened you with her knife.

You used your finger to lower the blade away from your neck. Was this the first time you were threatened at knife point? No. More than anything you found it annoying.

You could feel a steady out poor of defensive aura from behind you. Both boys preparing to swing if Palm did anything to you. You appreciated it, but they were only overwhelming your senses more.

“A first date should be memorable, yeah? A lot of planning goes into making something so special. Just give me the rest of the day to get my bearings.”

And in your exhausted state, you grabbed her hand and put it directly over your heart.

“You have my word we'll go on a date tomorrow.”

She dropped her knife and avoided your eyes. A bashful feeling over taking her aura.

“Sorry. If you would have explained that first, I wouldn't have gotten so angry.”

“It's fine. Though things would be a little easier if you gave me your number. I'd fill you in on all the details in the morning that way.” You explained.

You didn't mean for it to come out as flirtatious, but by the dark hue spreading across Palm’s face, she certainly took it as such.

“You…want my number?”

“Yes???”

“Ooh, you charmer. Would you also like to know where I'm staying so you can pick me up?” She hid her face behind her hands.

“Uh, no thank you. Just your number is fine.”

—-------------------

When Palm left you just about collapsed on the floor. You were both tired and drained from dealing with her seemingly never ending mood swings.

“You holding up okay, Y/n?” Gon asked.

“I need ten minutes of complete silence. Please.” You said exasperated.

Just this morning had been a lot. Hell, you'd hardly had a break this entire month. Constantly using your ability to sense for danger. The murky feeling of bloodlust and everything malicious swarming you.

Only to come back home to more of it. So much that it lingered in the small home. It wasn't that the feeling scared you, but you were fed up with it being all you could feel.

You knew the boys had good intentions trying to subtly defend you. But their added hostility only further drained you.

You just wanted a small break from everything negative. Just a few minutes of nothing so your body could reset.

You were only human after all.

The duo didn't push and let you have your space. Telling you to take as much time as you needed.

You truly were grateful they were so understanding.

You glanced around your room with a frown.

Your bed wasn't even here anymore. And even if it was, you weren't gonna go digging through all the Gon dolls to find it. You wanted to let out a groan of frustration seeing various strands of black hair left on the floor.

Just your luck you'd come back to a mess.

What else could possibly go wrong today?

You used your foot to clear up some space on the ground. You were used to sleeping on the floor anyways. Laying down for a few minutes wasn't so different. Curling into yourself and reaching for Kite's hat in your pocket.

Truthfully you should've handed it off to the amateur hunters. The one thing he left behind. They deserved to have something of his. But for some reason you just couldn't let go of it.

Not until you were certain he was gone.

It'd been a sorta sense of comfort for you. His scent helping you through your worst days in the NGL. Clutching it close when you realized you couldn't find him. When you allowed yourself to remember what brought you to this point.

Though you were certain it smelled more like you now than it did him.

You didn't dare wear it. Sure he'd given it to you, but it didn't feel right putting it on. Like you were tainting his memory.

‘He’s not dead,’ a small voice argued.

‘But what if he is?’ another sounded off.

Uncertain yet certain at the same time.

You just wanted to relax and forget everything for a second. Bringing the familiar blue hat up and hugging it close to your chest.

You'd give it back when you saw him again. It was a promise.

—------------------

Rather than 10, it took 30 minutes for you to calm down enough. Deciding you definitely weren't sleeping here tonight with how much of Palm’s presence still lingered.

Which brought you to where you were now. The boys wanted to get some training in. Asking if you'd accompany them to a nearby gym so they could fill you in on everything that's happened.

You agreed of course. Rationalizing you could also start planning for your date tomorrow. Gah! You had no idea what you were doing.

“Thank you again for stepping in back there. But you know you didn't have to, right?” Gon said as he lifted up a barbell. Much to the other gym goer's surprise.

“Of course I had to. It's my job to look after both of you. And if that means going on a date so you don't get taken advantage of, then so be it.” You explained with a reassuring grin.

He was happy to see you were doing better. Even if it kinda was his fault you felt drained in the first place.

“Hey Gon, there's something I wanted to ask you.” Killua started.

The boy in green gave a small hum in return.

“When I heard you talking to Palm, it seemed like you were right there in your element. Sooo, have you ever been on a date before?”

The question caught you completely off guard. What shocked you even more was Gon's answer.

“Sure, plenty of times.”

Both you and Killua doubled over in shock.

“Except, most all of them were with my Aunt Mito.” He clarified.

Then they weren't really dates. For a second you were scared. Worried? Good for him if he was meeting other kids his age, but you had a feeling that wasn't the case. And as Killua asked Gon to explain what he meant by most, you were correct.

“Sometimes ships with all female crews would stop by Whale Island. And some of them would only go out with guys who were younger than them.”

God fucking damnit. Seems he always had a knack for attracting creeps.

“I'd show them around town and they'd teach me a bunch of stuff.”

“Stuff?!?”

But Gon only laughed at you and Killua's reactions.

“They call women like that cougars. Isn't that crazy.”

He stopped laughing once he noticed you'd tensed up.

“Names and addresses. Now.”

“It's not that big a deal, “ he tried to brush off.

“Yes it is! You're a tater tot. Do we need to have a talk about stranger danger? You can't just go on dates with adults.” You lectured.

“I’m sure I'm not the only one. You've been on lots of dates too, right Killua?” Gon directed his attention to the mini assassin.

“Huh!?! No way. I was too busy.” Killua answered.

“All of my time went to assassin training. And we've been together since I retired.”

You noted he looked a little sad after he said those words. Grief once again mixing with his aura. What could've made him so distraught?

“Oh yeah…What about you, Y/n? How old were you when you went on your first date?” Gon questioned, hoping your answer would vindicate him.

“However old I am now.”

The sound of weights dropping caught your attention. Head snapping up just in time to see the bewildered expressions on the duo's faces.

“No way! This is gonna be your first date!?!”

“Yeah, you're ancient and you're telling me you've never gone out with someone!?!?”

You gave a small glare at Killua's comment before responding.

“Is it really that surprising? I'm not the biggest people person. Besides, romance never really interested me before, so I had no use for it.”

To be honest, you'd never really had feelings for someone until….

Until Kite.

“Wait a minute, you said ‘before.’ Does that mean you're interested now?” Killua asked with a teasing smirk. His previous gloomy demeanor gone.

“I bet they're interested in Kite~” Gon added with a sly grin of his own.

You couldn't stop the heat spreading across your face. Earning giggles from the two boys in front of you.

“Oh no. You two aren't gonna start this up again. We're in public.” But despite your warning, they continued teasing you.

“Bet you wanted your first date to be with him!” Gon said before dodging the weight you threw.

“Bet you want your first kiss to be with him!” Killua laughed out, jumping over the 50ibs weight you flung at him.

“Shut up you demons!”

But before you could chase them down, Gon's phone started ringing. The lightheartedness from the atmosphere being replaced by a more serious one.

He quickly put it on speaker before answering.

“Yeah, hello?”

“It's Knuckle,” the voice on the other end sounded.

“We've located and secured Kite.”

Those words alone lifted every burden from your shoulders.

He was alive.

You wanted to cry with relief. All this time wondering if he was okay. If he somehow managed to make it out with his life. Your body anxiously awaiting your order to run after him. To see him.

But once again your instincts said otherwise. Not to get ahead of yourself just yet.

“Really? So Kite is okay then? Gon asked. But Knuckle went silent.

“You still there?” He tried again.

A few more seconds of silence before the ball finally dropped.

“...I have reason to believe that Kite is being controlled by the enemy.”

So Pitou had won after all. Yet you still foolishly hung onto the hope that there was something you could do to help. To resist and overcome their control.

You wouldn't find out until tomorrow that you were dead wrong.

“So I'd like to tell you he's okay, but I can't.” Knuckle concluded. Being as transparent as he could knowing how much Kite meant to Gon.

But his honesty didn't deter the boy in green. Not in the slightest.

“Don't worry, I'm sure there's some way we can bring him back.”

Knuckle left Gon with the information that it would take three days for everyone to get here. And that all three of you should be careful with the outpour of soldier ants trying to imitate their king. Without the queen, they decided to take whatever power they could for themselves.

Gon assured him he would before hanging up. Letting all the information soak in. And then…

“ALL RIGHT!” He cheered.

Turning to you and Killua with a bright grin on his face.

“I knew that Kite was still alive!”

You wanted to share in his enthusiasm, but you knew better. Things never worked out the way you wanted to. The nagging feeling in your stomach reminding you.

Warning you something wasn't right.

—----------------------

“Girls like flowers, right?” You asked, eyeing a small boutique.

“You're really taking this whole date thing seriously, aren't you?” Killua noted.

“Kinda have to. I don't want her to try and stab us. So, uh, about the flowers?” You didn't have a plan whatsoever. Everything you knew about romance was surely outdated.

And you were sure chivalry might've been too old-fashioned to try. You thought about cursing your younger self for hanging around so many old people, but then you remembered why you did it.

You and your endeavors to attain anything sweet. It was also because you much rather preferred their company over your loudmouthed peers.

“You should get her roses. Lots of girls think it's romantic,” Gon answered.

“Thank you my little ladies man.” You ruffled his hair before once again catching sight of the purple cat over his shoulder.

“I've been meaning to ask you, what's that thing hanging around you.” You pointed at the creature you could only assume was made of nen.

“Oh that. It's part of Knuckle’s ability. He called it APR, and this thing means I've gone bankrupt.”

Your face scrunched up in confusion.

“Bankrupt?”

“It means he can't use his nen for an entire month,” Killua explained.

Ah, so that was why his aura was so faint. But it didn't exactly explain why Killua was so upset. His mood once again decreasing.

“I'd tell you that's unfortunate, but if anything it's gonna make your training a lot easier.” You eyed the prices of the roses and scowled. God you were poor.

“Really!?!” Gon exclaimed, looking up at you with pure excitement.

“Definitely. You gotta work on your physical skills before you can focus on nen…. But if you want that thing gone, just tell me.”

You quickly put back the bouquet you were looking at, only for Killua to pull it back out and slap some money on the counter. You gave him an incredulous look that he decided to brush off.

“You can get rid of it?” Gon asked.

“More like sever the bond between it and you. It just depends on the type of curse. Something following you is easy to get rid of. But a condition with a consequence I can't do. Remember Genthru?”

You made a promise to pay Killua back for the flowers. It was quite frankly pathetic to be accepting money from a child. To be unable to afford anything and rely on someone else to take care of it. You were the one supposed to be taking care of him. Not vice versa. Maybe you should start looking for work after this ant business was finished.

“Yeah…I think I'm gonna keep the curse though. It'll make me stronger.”

“Atta boy….So how do we feel about serenading?”

—-----------------------

You laid down comfortably on a couch you don't remember being here before you left. You were grateful for it nevertheless. The TV playing a report of a chimera ant incident that happened earlier in the day.

A cheetah ant to be exact.

What was it with cat chimera ants and being the absolute worst?

You'd kick its ass if you ever saw it in person. ‘Bring someone faster.’ It wanted fast? It'd get more than fast.

Right now Gon was taking a shower. Then Killua. And finally you. You really needed one. It'd been so long since you had a proper bath. You couldn't wait to scrub away all the grime you accumulated last month.

You couldn't wait to sleep either. A good rest before forcing yourself into the most uncomfortable situation of your life. Which reminded you, your poor room was still trashed.

“Might as well,” you mumbled. You didn't feel like going in there and still feeling Palm's dark presence. Instead, you conjured up your nen in your palm and made a small figure.

Within a few seconds, a little jester marionette materialized.

“Henry, go clean my room.” You commanded.

The puppet gave a salute before trotting away. Strings of nen attaching from itself to you.

Killua watched the entire ordeal go down. You'd never done that before. Was this something else you had once again hidden from them? Another secret that wasn't to be questioned?

Would you be mad if he asked?

He wasn't sure how to act around you anymore. Afraid if he said the wrong thing you'd leave again. It was getting harder and harder to let himself be comfortable. Not wanting the safety you provided to be yanked away like nothing.

He was sure he loved you with his whole heart.

But what if he confided in you about what happened, only for you to vanish. To show vulnerability only to be left even more hurt.

‘One day, you'll leave Gon behind to die and Y/n won't be there to save him. You'll end up hurting both of them.’

‘You must stay out of Gon's life if you're unable to beat Shoot. Then you'll have to explain to Y/n that you're nothing but a coward. You think they'll still be proud of you after that?’

He was trying so hard not to break down. To run into your arms and seek out your reassurance. But…

But you left him.

When they both needed you the most, you left.

“You've been eerily quiet today. It's unlike you,” you tried to jest. Your voice snapping him from his thoughts.

“I’m just tired.”

You frowned at his dismissive response. You knew he was lying, but you also knew if you brought it up, he'd only become more closed off.

You got up and approached until you were standing right in front of him.

“Killua, be honest with me. What happened?”

His name. You must've been serious. You must've been worried. You wouldn't be worried anymore if you knew the truth.

“Nothing.”

Your patience, your kindness, your love. He couldn't give into it. You'd say something comforting and then you'd leave. But it was okay. He was gonna be the one to leave soon anyways, so he wouldn't live to see it happen.

“It was obviously something if it's affecting you this much. You know you can tell me anything right?”

A hand on his shoulder and a reassuring squeeze. That was all it took for his resolve to break.

“I-”

But right before he spilled everything, the bathroom door opened. Gon exiting with his hair unusually floppy.

“Alright, it's all yours Killua.”

Killua spared a look back at you and knew this conversation was far from over. He rushed into the bathroom before you could question him further. Turning on the water just in time to hear you tell Gon he looked like a wet dog.

You two would be just fine without him.

You always liked Gon better anyways.

—-------------

You had a good hour before your date with Palm, resulting in a very chaotic morning. Brushing your teeth vigorously and making sure you smelled half decent. Trying to make yourself presentable only to realize the suit you got yesterday was still at the tailors.

Well, more like the dress shirt and pants you got yesterday. But that was besides the point. You'd heard it was favorable to dress nicely for dates. Something formal usually being the way to go. More advice that was probably outdated.

You were trying your best, that had to count for something right?

If you went out right now, you'd be all sweaty when you met up with Palm. An alternative idea struck you. One that gave you the opportunity to talk to Killua in private about what happened.

“Hey, munchkin. Could you do me a favor and grab my suit for me? I know it's last minute but-”

“I don't mind. It's the least I could do for getting you into this mess.” Gon reassured.

You gave his head a pat before sending him on his way. Making sure to tell him to be careful. You didn't want to send him away, but you needed to get to the bottom of what was wrong with Killua. You had a feeling he wouldn't spill as long as Gon was there.

Maybe it had something to do with him?

You hoped not. For as long as you'd known the duo, they'd always been close. Maybe something was jeopardizing that. It made the most sense anyway.

You exited the bathroom to see Killua glancing anxiously at the door. As if willing Gon to come back. Maybe the issue was you? You don't know why the thought stung as much as it did. You took a minute to gather your thoughts before speaking.

“I'm not gonna force you to talk about what happened while I was gone if you're not ready. But whatever it is, I can see that it's affecting you. You're not laughing and joking around with Gon. You're not giving out your usual remarks. You're not being you. I won't force you, but I'll be right here ready to listen when you're ready. If you're ready.”

There you go again, making promises he knew you wouldn't keep. It felt genuine. Like you really did care, because if you didn't, you wouldn't have noticed the change in his behavior at all. He was sure he wasn't acting all that different. Gon hadn't brought it up, if he did notice.

But you'd always been able to see everything with those eyes of yours.

And Killua was once again on the verge of spilling everything. Fighting with himself to believe everything would be okay if he just told you what was going on. Before he knew it, he verbalized his doubts.

“You're here now, but how much longer until you're gone again? How can I trust you with my secrets when you won't even trust us with yours?” But they were the wrong ones.

And he knew immediately when your face went blank. Expressionless while you came up with a response. It was too late to take it back, but maybe a part of him didn't want to.

You'd tricked him. You'd pretended you were happy and then left in the middle of the night. They needed you. He needed you. If you'd just stayed, maybe Bisky wouldn't have gotten in his head. He wouldn't have felt so helpless that entire month. He wouldn't have to leave you and Gon forever.

“It's not that simple.” You started. For the first time, a look of regret in your eyes. Uncertainty.

“I wish I could tell you everything. Why I'm the way I am and why I've done the things I've done. But it's best I don't. I wish I could promise you I'd stop leaving, too. But I just can't.” You couldn't risk either one of their safeties. Of getting them involved with your own twisted affairs.

But all your deflection did was make Killua frustrated. Every damn time he wanted an answer, it was like walking on eggshells around you. You didn't trust him. You didn't trust either of them.

Was it because they were kids?

Was it because you didn't like them anymore?

Or were you just fed up with dealing with them?

His thoughts starting to spiral into something meaner. Something that wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt him when he woke up and you weren't there. Leaving with a note and a ‘good luck.’

It was your fault. If you'd just stayed, none of this would've happened. Gon wouldn't have lost his nen, and Killua wouldn't have to stay out of his life. If they'd never met you, he wouldn't be as soft as he was now.

‘That’s not true,’ a voice argued. But right now he wanted to blame someone for everything that's happened. You who was supposed to be there for him.

What you were trying to do now.

Well, it was too little too late for that.

“Why do you keep leaving? Why can't you just stay for once? Are we really that horrible that you can't stand being near us?” Killua was glaring at you now. Hurt evident in his eyes.

You knew they would eventually get fed up with you…but you didn't expect it this soon. You were the furthest thing from being prepared to handle this conversation. And it showed.

“What? Of course not. Where's all this coming from?” You questioned.

But Killua ignored it, not giving you the chance to change the subject.

“Then why!?! Why do you keep running away!?! Answer me! Do you even care about what we've been through this past month!?! How much we needed you!?!?” He couldn't stop the accusations from flowing out of his mouth. Too frustrated and angry to even try.

Taking everything he'd been bottling up out on you because there was no one else he could blame.

“Losing time and time again! Not being strong enough! Not being fast enough! Not being good enough! All the while wondering if you were okay! Where were you when Bisky was belittling me!?!? WHEN I NEEDED YOU!!!” His scream seemed to echo off the walls. Nothing but grief and hurt consumed his aura.

As if your absence was a betrayal of trust.

There were so many things you could've said. That you wanted to say. So many issues you could've addressed. So many worries you should've quelled. But you could feel yourself shutting down, mind choosing to focus on the wrong thing. The only one that didn't force you to take accountability. The one that was someone else's fault entirely. The one that you could fix.

“What do mean ‘belittling’? What did she say to you?”

Because your top priority would always be protecting them. Even if they ended up hating you for it.

But to Killua, it felt like you didn't give a damn at all. Your response after being told he needed you was to ask about Bisky? To once again try to change the subject? You didn't even try to comfort him.

You weren't trying, so why should he?

“It's none of your business.” It was quiet. Cold. Reminiscent of your own tone when you were mad.

The harshness temporarily caught you off guard. You don't think either of them had ever snapped at you before. But you couldn't let it deter you, not when you were finally getting to the root of the problem.

You knew Bisky had a habit of being cruel. Tough love was a better way to put it. And whereas you liked that about her back then, something about it now didn't feel right. Perhaps it was because you weren't as close to boys as you were now.

You weren't one to place blame, but whatever she said had pushed Killua too far. It made him insecure and distant. And if you just knew what exactly it was, you'd be able to help. To get rid of the issue and move past it.

So you moved closer, taking a small step forward. Trying to close the ever growing distance. You'd been through this song and dance before with your own sister. If you pushed any harder, he'd get upset. If you let it be, he'd resent you.

You'd rather have him yell at you for being a terrible person than have him suffer in silence.

“What did she say?” You tried again, voice softer. Another step forward.

But all you received in return was a glare before he was pushing past you. You should've let him. You should've given him the option to cool down. But you weren't thinking rationally right now. Too caught up in what the hell was said to this kid to make him act this way.

You. You and your absence.

“We're not done here.” You stopped him with a grab on his wrist. He flinched at your touch. Like you were gonna hit him. But the reaction happened too fast for you to catch.

“I didn't want to have to do this. I'm calling in my favor from Greed Island. Tell me what she said right now.”

His eyes widened, staring at you in disbelief. You said you wouldn't force him to talk about it, and here you were.

Liar.

Why? Why were you trying so hard to find out what Bisky said? Why did that matter more to you than him? Why was that the only thing you were focused on???

Why were you still pretending like you cared.

“You wanna know what she said so badly?” He couldn't stop the tears pinpricking his eyes. He couldn't disguise the hurt and anguish in his voice. But maybe he wanted you to know how much this affected him. To see exactly what was indeed your fault.

“SHE SAID THAT I WAS WEAK! THAT I WAS A COWARD! THAT ALL I'M DOING IS HOLDING GON BACK! SHE SAID IF I DIDN'T WIN I'D HAVE TO STAY OUT OF YOUR LIVES!!! DON'T YOU GET IT!?! SHE SAID I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH!”

Your heart aches for him then. It all made sense now. The grief whenever he was around Gon. The sadness, the dark suffocating feeling of depression.

You wished you could've been faster at saying something. Of speaking words that would quell every worry. But it felt like you were stuck.

Because right now…all you could see was her.

Your sister who'd been taken far too soon from this world. The one who never really fit in with the rest of your clan. Who was different because to the rest of your people, she hadn't been good enough.

Who'd been told by the head of the clan that she was holding you back. That she was a burden.

It wasn't the exact same, but it felt familiar. You knew the effects of being told ‘you're no good.’ How it made someone doubtful of their own feelings and actions. Whether or not they deserved to have what they did.

You knew the right words to say, but they were stuck in your throat. You were used to seeing her eyes, but you were far from ready to see her fears as well.

It was too late when you finally found your voice again.

“Killua, you know that's not true. You are-” more than enough. But you never got the chance to finish. Perhaps if you'd been faster, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

“STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU CARE! IF YOU CARED YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ABANDONED US! WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY GONE THIS TIME!”

He didn't mean it. He could never mean that. Wanting to take the words back once they were spoken. But once again, it was too late.

You could take a lot. You had taken a lot. You could handle being yelled at. You could handle it when you were called a disgrace. A brat. A horrible person. A bitch, and so much more.

You could handle being hit. Being stabbed. Shot at. If you tried hard enough, being around blood.

You could put up with just about anything if it involved someone you cared about.

But what you couldn't handle was having your actions called into question. You knew when you were wrong. When you made a mistake. When you were being disingenuous. You knew you weren't a good person, but to be told you were pretending just because Killua was upset….

Accusing you of not caring?

After everything.

Everything you'd done, every decision you'd made since Greed Island was because you did care. You were willing to die. You were willing to break your promise to someone who had been your world.

It made you upset.

You were tired of it always being your fault. You were tired of being the one who always had to fix everything.

Why were you even here?

Because they'd both inserted themselves into your life. You didn't ask for this. To carry every burden they had. To be a scapegoat everytime something went wrong.

You'd been living for yourself. Surviving. And you were doing just fine. You were safe.

And now you were here. Risking your own neck for a kid who was blaming you for not being strong enough. Blaming you for his failures.

You were frustrated and angry. Tired and drained. If you had to guess why your patience wore down so easily, you'd say it must've been the stress. From the previous month or from Palm, you couldn't say. Maybe it had to do with having a screaming match this early in the morning, too. But whatever it was, you finally snapped.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!?! I'M TRYING, I AM TRYING MY DAMN BEST BUT I CAN'T JUST FIX EVERYTHING! SO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!?! TELL ME! SINCE YOU'RE SO KEEN ON POINTING OUT EVERYTHING THAT I’M DOING WRONG!”

You'd never yelled at either of them before. You'd never gotten this mad. And the sight was frightening. Killua never expected to be on the receiving end of your anger. He never thought he could. But he'd pushed you to your limit.

Then you said something that cut deep. That broke his heart entirely and shattered it. He'd started this, deciding to take out everything on you even though it wasn't your fault. But you'd be the one to finish it.

“I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MOM AND I'M NOT YOUR DAD! SO STOP TRYING TO FORCE EVERYTHING ON ME LIKE I AM! YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE STUCK WITH YOU!?!?”

You shouldn't have said that. You really shouldn't have. Regretting the words as soon as they left your lips. It didn't matter how frustrated you were, you shouldn't have lost your cool with him. He was just a kid. One who hadn't been able to learn how to deal with his emotions. Who'd been denied the chance to.

“I didn't m-”

“I hate you.” He cut off.

Words you thought you'd never hear again. Spoken with so much venom it hurt. How could this be happening to you again? Why?

"I hate you.”

"You don't mean that." Your voice was pleading.

"I hate you. Just go away. Run away to Reik like you always do. You love him more than me anyways."

What did you do to deserve this again? Thirteen years later and you still didn't know how to handle it. But you said you'd be okay with them hating you as long as they were safe. You thought you could handle that.

But you could feel yourself breathing faster. Shaking with an unfamiliar feeling. Desperation? You tried to approach him again, but he seemed to recoil from your being.

Killua was right. You didn't love him. It was all an act. Everything was all an act. How foolish could he have been to think you actually cared about him.

But you'd promised. You promised to be there.

He made a dash for the restroom, trying to wipe his eyes as he shut the door. You were supposed to be different. You weren't supposed to shout at him like his mother. Fight with him like Milluki. Hurt him like Illumi. But you were just like his family. Using him for your own personal gain. Or had it all just been amusing to you?

All he had left was Gon.

But maybe he was using him too.

“Killua, unlock the door.”

He startled at the sound of the knob twisting. Knowing very well you could break down the door if you wanted to. Why couldn't you just leave him alone?

You didn't want to be stuck with him, after all.

“Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm just…This morning has been a lot. Everything's been a lot. Please, just let me explain. Talk to me.”

You sounded defeated. And a part of him wasn't satisfied with that. He wanted you to feel just as hurt as he was. He was used to arguing without boundaries. To saying whatever would get the other person the worst. And right now, he wanted to make you cry just as badly as you were making him.

“I hate you. And after we deal with the ants, I never want to see you again. You can stay with your boy toy for all I care. Just stay out of my life.”

He was making things worse. But he couldn't stop.

“You don't mean that.”

“You're right…I want you to stay away from both of us. You can't even fight anyways. You'd just continue to be a burden.”

Now that, he knew that would get you the most. You'd always tried to compensate for your fighting by using your tracking ability. You'd always pushed yourself to keep up. You did everything you could so you wouldn't hold them back.

But he didn't know it was too far. That it was the last straw.

'If you can't hold your own weight, then you serve no purpose.'

'You don't want to be weak and pathetic like Kari, do you?'

'There is no bigger burden to the clan than someone who jeopardizes their mission. You should understand, little one. Your strength is a gift. Don't weigh it down with your fears.'

A burden huh?

When were you ever not trying to be one?

You were a coward too.

You'd had enough. You were done trying. You didn't have it in you to keep fighting.

You were wrong, he wasn't anything like her.

Kari never blamed you. She never told you it was your fault. In fact, she told you the opposite. That she was the one holding you back. That you were this untouchable star who shouldn't be dimmed by someone like her.

And in that moment, if someone would have given you the choice between her or them... You would have chosen her. Because while she wasn't strong, while she wasn't the fastest, while she couldn't use nen for the life of her… She was enough. Her love was certain and warm. If you asked her what was wrong, she'd tell you.

She wouldn't have called you a burden.

He wanted you gone? Then you would leave. You were so tired of caring. Of giving everything and receiving nothing.

“... You got it. You won't have to worry about seeing me again after today.”

You walked away. Unable to hear the muffled sniffles through the door. Coming from someone who realized this was a very big mistake. Who wanted to take everything back.

You sat down on your bed, giving one drained sigh. When did your life become so complicated? Your day had just started and already you were on edge.

You'd been in arguments before. You'd been told you were hated before.

You would be just fine. You just had to figure things out.

Where would you go when the day was over?

The answer was simple. You'd go back to your clan…And then you'd be executed for being a traitor.

You were tired. Tired of everything. Tired of putting so much effort into surviving. Maybe you could plead your case?

'I don't care what you choose to do with me, but honor your former clansmen’s last wish, will ya? Kill some ants for me and make sure my friends are okay.’

Reik would honor it, if you got the chance to speak. He wasn't so cruel that he'd kill you immediately. Everything would be taken care of. And maybe you'd be able to rest in peace.

Yeah.

That sounded like a good plan.

You'd go on this stupid date and leave.

But what about your promise? The one that you even bothered living for in the first place. You couldn't keep it if you were….

You didn't believe in a higher power. Not after everything that you've witnessed in this life. However, you wanted to believe there was something after. That she was waiting for you. Though you knew you'd both end up in completely different places.

You didn't believe in ghost or demons. No, not really. But right now, you wanted to believe she'd listen when you talked. The only person you could confide in wasn't here, but somehow you hoped she'd hear you.

You had nobody else. Speaking into the abyss and praying somehow you'd feel better.

“I'm sorry I couldn't continue on for the both of us…But I'm so damn tired of trying. I've never been the best with people, and you know that.” you and her were alike in that way.

“I'm just….a disgrace…no matter what I do.”

You didn't even notice the tears sliding down your cheeks. You couldn't feel them.

“Hell, I developed a new ability just for it to go to waste. It's almost laughable how even when I'm trying my best, I'm still a failure.” Pathetic. Weak.

You placed a hand on your forehead as you remembered something.

“I never got to do all those things we wanted. Everything we said we would do when we were free. How about this…I'll give today my all. One good day for you. Of pretending to be who I used to.”

You were sure if anyone walked in on you right now, they'd think you were crazy. Yet you continued to talk. Self-loathing and having a pity party for yourself.

You never did deserve to be upset.

“Remember I used to smile a lot? I used to talk everyone's ear off, too. And fight. I never could stay out of those. It'll be like old times. I'll make a real effort before…. Before I come see you.” And the promise of seeing her face again, her mess of curls and honey colored eyes, it was enough incentive to go through with it.

So you finally shut down. Body operating on autopilot.

—--------------------—------

Fun Fact #15: In terms of power, Y/n (without holding back/with proper focus) ranks about as strong as one of the royal guards. But with their current limitations is only about as strong as Morel. Maybe Illumi (Even though he absolutely sucks 👎)

MASTERLIST

Tags: @fandomhoe101 @justxiao @bekataylorgriggs @zellwa

An: Cutting this off here so I can hopefully make a Christmas special. To give at least a little bit of fluff because the chapters???? They don't get happier 💀. Well maybe a little. I don't know, we'll see how much I decide to traumatize y'all in the upcoming chapters. And if you thought the fight with Killua was bad, the one with Gon I have planned is just pure sadness. Sorry I've been neglecting you, I wanted to vary my content a bit. That and huger chapters like this take a lot of my brain power to do.

#hxh #hunter x hunter #hxh x reader #hunter x hunter x reader #hxh x y/n #hunter x hunter x y/n #gon x reader #killua x reader #mayhaps a kite x reader???#big sib reader #older reader #found family #x reader #platonic #moon and sun insert

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