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arizona2004 · 2 years

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Like Father Like Son

Cute and kinda angsty. I had this in my drafts for a while, this request gave me a reason to finally finish it. More Batdad stuff to come eventually

WC: 1978

Your son was a mama’s boy. He followed you around constantly and hated being anywhere you weren’t. Azriel didn’t care too much at first. The baby was content in his arms, always quiet and relaxed. He didn’t smile or laugh like he did when you held him, but he never cried, so it was fine, Azriel thought.

When the boy got older, though, Az started feeling excluded. Kai’s first word was “Mama,” but that was expected. His second work was “Cas”. That pissed Azriel off. His third word wasn’t Papa, but it was “shadow,” so Az wasn’t too mad about it.

When Kai started crawling, he crawled toward you, away from Az. Every night he wanted Mama to read him a story, so you tucked him in and kissed him on the head before bed. Az stayed in the office stewing during bedtimes. He felt out of place. Kai never wanted him to read the stories, so what was the point of standing around, useless.

Kai never seemed to want him at all so Az held his distance. And you didn’t fail to notice how Az always seemed to be working when Kai needed to be picked up from school or when he got hungry for a snack.

On the weekends, the three of you would do things together, but the way Kai chose to sit in your lap during picnics and only wanted to be held by you cemented the idea that Kai just didn’t seem to want him around, so Az pulled away more and more, unsure what else to do.

One afternoon, when you were picking up Kai from school, he hesitated to leave. You followed his gaze to another family: a male and female and their two kids. Your first thought was that Kai wanted a sibling, but then he looked at you and asked, “why don’t you do that?”

You’re confused by his question, trying to decipher his meaning by looking back at the female and what she’s doing until he elaborates. “Why don’t you bring, Papa?”

When you look at him again, he seems sad. He bites his lip, trying to stop it from quivering as tears well up in his eyes. “Papa’s just working, but maybe he’ll be able to come with me to pick you up tomorrow.”

“Papa’s always working,” he whispers as you take his hand and start down the sidewalk.

You don’t say anything back. What are you supposed to say? Az is always working. By the time the two of you get home, you’ve managed to cheer Kai up, but he still seems a little put off. And now that you think about it, he has been a little sad lately, but his teacher said he’s struggling to make friends, so you had assumed that was why. Until now. As you walk with Kai toward the kitchen, he slows down as you pass Az’s office.

“Do you think Papa wants to have a snack with us?” he whispers, stopping completely now.

“I don’t know, but you can ask if you want.”

Kai turns toward the door, a nervous look on his face as he knocks quietly and opens it a little. “Papa?”

You peer in and see Az look up from some papers. He looks from Kai to you and back to Kai before speaking. “Yes?”

“Do you wanna have a snack with Mama and me?” he’s hopeful but shy.

“Sure, buddy. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“You’re not coming now?”

“I’ve just got to finish this report for Uncle Rhys, then I’ll meet you in the kitchen. One minute, I promise.”

Kai nods solemnly and closes the door before marching into the kitchen. “What snacks does Papa like to eat?” he asks you, throwing the fridge door open.

“He loves apples, just like you.”

“Perfect!” Kai pulls the bag of apples from the fridge, leaving them for you to cut while he goes to find the best things to enjoy them with.

He comes back with Nutella and peanut butter and sits them on the table while you finish cutting the apples. A few more minutes go by, and you sit with Kai at the table. He refuses to eat until Az arrives. Another couple of minutes and you have to scream at your mate through the bond, but then he’s walking into the kitchen.

He’s rubbing his temples as though he has a headache, but he’s finally shown up. Kai perks up immediately. “Mama said you like apples! Do you like Nutella or peanut butter?”

Azriel scrunches his nose, “ugh, neither,” he grumbles and walks to the fridge, returning a second later with caramel sauce. “Caramel is much better.”

“Caramel?” Kai is confused and intrigued at the same time. He shoves the peanut butter and Nutella aside, already willing to try something new, so unlike his father.

Az sits down beside Kai, a small smile on his face as he opens the caramel and dips an apple slice in. Kai follows right after, and the look on his face makes you burst out in laughter.

“This is wonderful!”

Az laughs at your son's enthusiasm and grabs another apple slice. The three of you enjoy the rest of the snack together, and Azriel even joins Kai as he plays around the yard, giving you time to catch up on some of the work you’ve been behind in doing.

When the evening comes to a close, though, and the boys come inside, Az seems to pull back. Kai takes a bath after ending the day covered in dirt and grass, and Azriel stays with him the whole time as he chats about all his bath toys, but as soon as he’s in pajamas and ready for bed, your mate quiets down and starts drifting into the shadows.

“Are you going to join us for story time?” you try.

“No, that’s alright. I have to go check on something for Rhys,” he says before winnowing away, not that you see it directly, you’re too focused on the disappointed look on your son's face.

“Maybe he’ll join us for bedtime tomorrow,” you tell him, tucking him into bed.

“He doesn’t have to read if he doesn’t wanna. I don’t like reading out loud in front of people either,” Kai confides, bringing a smile to your face. “He could just sit and tuck me in if he wanted. And give me a goodnight squeeze.”

“I’ll relay your message, Kai.”

“Good! Then maybe he’ll tuck me in tomorrow.” You nod in agreement, kissing Kai on the head before slipping out the door to find your mate.

“You’re going to pick Kai up from school tomorrow,” you tell Azriel, arms crossed over your chest. Az looks up, confused, so you elaborate. “Today, when I picked him up, he was looking at another family, and he asked why I don’t bring you to get him too. You haven’t been around much, Az. He barely knows you, and I didn’t realize until today, but now that I have, I won’t let you do this anymore.”

“Y/N-”

“No, don’t. You’re coming with me to get him from school tomorrow, and you’re going to put him to bed too.”

“I can’t-” he starts.

“And why the hell not, Az?”

“He doesn’t want me there.”

“Azriel.” He refuses to meet your eyes, and suddenly you feel blind looking at your mate. First, you missed all of the signs in your son about his feelings toward Azriel, and now you're just now noticing how Azriel feels out of place in your family.

Tears well up behind your eyes, but you shove them down and move toward your mate. “Look at me Azriel,” you plead, grabbing his chin and forcing his gaze up as you lean against the desk in front of him. “Kai loves you. He wants to spend time with you. Even if that’s just you sitting by his side as I read his bedtime story or just giving him a hug and a kiss on the head.”

Tears slip from Azriel's eyes, and you gently wipe them away before placing a kiss on his forehead and leaning yours to his. “The two of you are terrible at sharing your thoughts and feelings with one another, and I don’t know where it started because he’s only five.” Azriel smiles softly, pulling you into his lap. “You can’t expect me to be the middle man forever.”

“I don’t,” he promises, kissing you softly and nuzzling your neck.

“Good.”

“I’ll make things right. I promise.”

The next day, Azriel goes with you to get Kai from school, and as your son notices you after exiting the building, he beams, beyond happy to see his father. He skips toward the pair and you and throws himself into Az’s arms.

“Carry me, Papa!” he shouts, throwing his arms around Azriel's neck, clinging on as tightly as he can. “Time to go home,” Kai declares, “We have to work on building a battleship.”

“Well, we’re not going home just yet,” Az tells him, confusing you.

“I was thinking we could go get ice cream.” Az looks to you for confirmation, trying to make sure you’re okay with this change in plans.

You nod, of course, happy he’s taking the initiative to do something with Kai. The three of you walk further into Velaris toward your favorite ice cream shop and spend the afternoon enjoying sugary deliciousness. Kai can’t stop smiling all afternoon and stays close to Az, pressing into his side while they sit side by side on a park bench and eat their ice cream.

You can’t help but watch them and memorize the scene. And a moment later, call out to Feyre with your mind and beg her to paint the memory for you. She obliges, always happy to paint the people she loves. You and your boys begin the walk back to your house, happier than any of you have been in a while.

Later in the evening, as you help Kai finish getting ready for bed, you ensure Az is around and shove him into the plush chair beside your son’s bed. As Kai skips from the bathroom to his bed, before Azriel has the chance to say anything, you sigh dramatically.

“Uncle Rhys just called and said he needs me for something important. Is it okay if Papa puts you to bed tonight?” you ask your son. He nods before running into your arms to hug you tightly.

“Night, night!” he says, jumping into his bed and wiggling under the blankets.

Az gives you a slightly panicked look, but you just run to the door and gently shut it behind you as Kai tries to convince his father to read him 5 books instead of just 2 that you usually allow.

Azriel's heart softens in his chest as his son looks at him from beneath a cocoon of blankets. “One more, Papa, pleeaasse,” he begs.

“I already read you six books.” Kai pouts, tempting Az, but the spymaster holds his ground and stands up, his butt numb.

“Ugh, fine!” the boy relents, holding out his arms for his father to hug. Azriel squeezes him tightly and places a kiss on his head as he tucks the blankets into his sides. “Can you just stay until I fall asleep, Papa?” Kai pleads, pulling out his pouty face again.

Azriel gives in easily, walking to the door to turn off the light before returning to Kai’s side. The toddler scootches as far to one side as he can, making as much room for his father as he can. Azriel lays down next to his son, opening his arms for Kai to tuck himself into Az’s side, absorbing the warmth of his body as he’s lulled into a deep sleep by the sound of his father’s soft singing.

#Azriel #acotar #azriel x reader #azriel acotar #dadriel #batdaddy #bat bois #bat boys #batbaby

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mystical-blaise · 1 year

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Dadriel #11: Fear is Not My Future

Azriel reminisces fondly about the past as he simultaneously dreads what the future holds.

Read it on Ao3 here

I haven't posted anything in a while and needed to get this out of my head. Mostly fluff with a little side of emotional hurt/comfort. Enjoy!

Remember this, the shadows used to hum as Azriel held the entire world in his hand.

Not that he needed their heeding. After all, how could he forget how impeccably both Llyr's and little Catrin's heads fit wholly cupped in the heart of his palm?

A heartwarming, idyllic match. So miraculously perfect.

Almost as if the Mother herself had measured his hand's span. Both of the two wriggling babes a wonderfully complicated compliment into his life—just like their mother.

He'd never forget his first time like this. Seeing them nestled in his hold, was against a background of fuzzy snow-white whirls. The backdrop of a blanket between them.

For a while, he had been nervous to hold them like that soft to marred skin. Worried how the roughness of him would feel against such tender flesh and featherlight wisps of hair. So when he'd often hold them at night when they were newborns, he would with a blanket between them.

And it wasn't until Gwyn had caught him one night, finally realizing what he was doing, that she calmly, gently told him, Remove the barrier, my love.

Barrier. The word tolled through him like a clear bell of challenge.

Barrier. It had been years since he'd allowed any between himself and his beloved mate, his friends—or around his hands. He loved the feeling of Gwyn's palm and fingers, now strong and roughened from years of training, against his own. He found comfort and clarity in her touch. Renewed vitality and strength.

And wouldn't his children gain the same?

Fear, uncertainty, were the ultimate hurdle. But eventually, with deep breaths and the shadows and Gwyn's loving support and gentle coaxing, he had held them. One at a time, their tiny, precious heads in his palm, the weight of them in his arms a joy he still couldn't comprehend.

Gods, they had been soft. They'd been so wondrously soft. Like his shadows whispering over him. Like fate and love and magic given form.

Perfect.

The sweet image of their small heads nestled in the center of his palm as he cradled them was imprinted on his soul, imparted with a promise.

A promise he thought about every time he glanced at his hand.

While Gwyn fretted and assessed the twins' lives in reaching milestones, Azriel measured the passing of time by his hand.

The once perfect fit was long gone, Llyr and Catrin not even needing the extra support of it anymore, each of them able to hold themselves, sit on their own. Their inquisitive son was even starting to pull himself up on furniture.

Catrin was getting there, but she seemed content to allow her brother and others to bring things to her. Which still worried Gwyn, though their family did their best to allay her ruminating.

Don't worry, Berdara. My father often said how late I was at walking—until I saw something I wanted. Catrin is just willfully stubborn, just like her mother. Gwyn had stuck her tongue out at Nesta for that. But, her Valkyrie-sister continued, when she finally sees something she really wants, that little Valkyrie is going to run, not walk. And then you will beg the Mother for her to sit still again.

And Azriel had little doubt about Nesta's claim.

Even now in sleep, her ever-growing wings splayed beneath her, spread out as wide as her arms, her forehead was puckered as if she was scheming. Her small rosebud lips with the perfect bow were parted on soft puffed breaths, little snores that reminded him so much of watching Gwyn sleep. Though with her onyx hair, he could only imagine she was the spitting image of her namesake. Apart from her wings and the wavy ringlets in her hair, the little girl was most definitely a Berdara.

He peered over at the other crib. His son, even with his porcelain skin and copper coloring, was Azriel through and through. A quiet boy, always content to assess a situation before trying. And Azriel swore Llyr was paying close attention to the shadows more now than ever, enough to make the Shadowsinger wonder.

Catrin's pitiful whimper called his attention.

It was a nightly ritual now whenever he was home—when nightmares dragged him from the little sleep his body called for—to check on his family as they slept.

Safe, Singer.

Safe. All of them were safe. No demons from his past or enemies of his present were here.

And that had been that promise the first time he'd held them with no barrier between them.

His children would never know the true reality of cold. Never know the bite of shackles on their wrists or ankles. They'd never long for comfort.

They'd never question if they were loved.

Their safety would always be assured.

Safe to sleep. Safe to dream. Safe to love.

They'd have everything he didn't have. And he'd make sure of it with his last breath.

That was his promise.

And yet…

His knuckle gently smoothed over Catrin's forehead, over her chubby cheek.

Every day, he compared their heads to his hand. Every day it sunk in that they were bigger, no longer fitting to the dimension. They were growing up. Every day was another day closer to—

Arms circled him from behind, and he stretched his wings aside as a pointy chin rested on his bare left shoulder. He sighed into her, loving to be surrounded by her softness and her scent.

"You all right?" Gwyn asked.

"Yes." He swallowed thickly. "Couldn't sleep. And you?"

"Nightmare," she sighed. His arm encircled her as he kissed her temple. Her soft chuckle caught him off guard. "Just look at them. They're getting so big."

His throat bobbed, his fingertips and shadows grazing over the peach fuzz of the babe's cheek again. "They are. It seems they are doing new things each day. It's truly remarkable."

"It is. And yet…it worries me."

"Gwyneth Berdara, worried? No. I can't believe such a thing," he teased, earning a little playful nip to his shoulder.

"The more they move, the farther they go, the more dangers await. Cauldron, the House of Wind is built on top of a godsdamn mountain. It suddenly feels like a death trap. I shouldn't even dare blink when they're awake."

"The House won't let anything happen to them, love. Neither will we."

"Still, I'd feel better if we need to take precautions. Be proactive. Cover corners, secure doors and knobs. Gates around the stairs and fencing off the training ring." She eyed him. "How would you feel about covering the tips of your wings?"

Azriel snorted. "Gwyn, I love you and your creative mind, but there's no way in hell. Illyrians have had babies forever and I haven't read one single instance of eyes getting poked out by wing tips."

"If you insist." She exhaled, her eyes taking in the dozing girl in the crib. The shadowsinger tightened his hold on his mate. "Does it…does it make you a little sad, too?"

His lips twitched. His clever copper-headed wife always saw straight through to the heart of the matter. "It does."

"I don't know what I'm going to do when they leave to be on their own one day," she confided, her mouth trembling slightly against his collar. "Though I guess it's silly to think about right now, one day they'll be starting their own lives. It'll be up to them. They won't need us."

He kissed her again, tugging her ever closer to him, glancing between their sleeping children. "We'll always be there for them. And it's not silly in the slightest. I am, too. I think perhaps it's the nature of parenthood. The blessing of children comes with the curse of constant worry about what they will face, what the future holds. The perils. The heartache. I just…I don't want them to feel a moment of pain."

And he wouldn't be able to bear it. Because that was the risk of letting down barriers of the heart and soul—it left one vulnerable to the worst heartbreak, the greatest pain imaginable.

The tactile fear of losing it all after he'd finally allowed himself to feel, to accept.

A panic he used to solely place on Gwyn and now…

"I wish I could relieve your fears and mine, Shadowsinger. But…it's not practical." He peered down at his lovely beauty, falling immediately into the teal orbs staring up through heavy lashes. "Some pain is simply a part of life. The elation and happiness of first loves, families and friendships can't be had without risk. Without having faith. Because you go in knowing that things could end with heartache and loss. I don't imagine the fear will ever abate. But it's worth it to experience love, is it not?"

He didn't take his eyes off of Gwyn, remembering all the times he almost lost her, had seen and felt her pain and dread. How he'd witnessed her drift away from him after the birth of their children. Hell, forget about battle; he'd been more terrified of losing her on the birthing bed—and their twins.

Yet she was here. Now. They all were.

And he would relive his haunted past over again if it meant he'd end up right here.

Arm still wound around Gwyn, his fingertips left his daughter's brow to tip up his mate's freckled face. He'd memorized it long ago, each freckle as familiar as his own scars. And as he stared down, felt the touch of her skin against his own, without linen or fear between them, he dipped his face down and pressed a tender kiss to her lips.

Every kiss was a blessing.

Every touch was a miracle.

Every fear was worth living.

The love for his family was worth everything. A love he would hold forever in his heart and carried in the palm of his hand.

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starlightandsouls · 2 years

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1+1=4

Summary: You find out that you and Azriel are about to have a baby. The two of you were happier than ever since this was nothing short of a blessing considering how rare children are amongst Fae. But what will happen when both your careers get in the way?

Word count: 6k

Warnings: Fainting, sickness(nausea), pregnancy, kidnapping

Part 2

Being the mate of the night court’s spymaster came with many benefits. You got to spend your long life with the most beautiful, loving male in existence and along with him you got an equally adoring family who had taken you in you in as one of their own. It was an honour and a privilege to be part of the high lord's inner circle and you were extremely grateful for it as well, even if they did get really annoying and loud sometimes. But hey, what family isn’t like that?

But it was smaller moments like this that made your heart grow ten times its size. The first inkling of dawn had started showing in the sky, endless black giving way to brilliant, serene blues. You and Azriel were wrapped up in each other, limbs entangled in the soft silk sheets. A night full of roaming hands and breathless cries had reduced you both to a limbless mess that breathed in tandem, trying to get some rest after spending the entire night awake.

Azriel's head was tucked into your neck. He lay on top with both his arms wrapped around you. Your hands made slow, comforting passes in his hair and back, careful to avoid his wings, wanting to give the poor male a break after the night’s frenzy.

It way almost ten when you awoke. Unsurprisingly, your mate’s side of the bed was already made up, and cold. Azriel had obviously woken up long before you to go about his daily tasks. That man and his routine. Even a century hadn’t been enough for you to change that. However the absolutely mouth watering smells coming from the kitchen told you that your mate was busy preparing breakfast. Your heart swelled. It never failed to make your heart melt how considerate Azriel was. The little things he did for you made you love the man even more.

Pulling on his shirt from last night, you walked out of your room to the kitchen below. And low and behold, there he stood. Your mate was clad in nothing but loose trousers, chest laid bare for you to stare at. His hair was all ruffled up, partially due to your roaming hands from last night, but it only seemed to make him even more adorable. He didn’t turn to you but you knew he was aware of your presence due to the small shadow that raced out to wrap itself around your wrist.

You walked over to hug your mate from behind. His soothing scent instantly calmed your very being.

“Look who finally woke up,” he remarked. It was a testament to the fact that you knew him so well, you could feel the smile blooming on his face without even opening your eyes.

“Well I was getting rather hungry in bed. And my mate is just such a talented cook, all these aromas are making my mouth water.”

“Is that all I am good for?” he snapped back, a mock frown on his face. Eyebrows furrowing in a way that you had always found cute.

“Hmmm there’s that handsome, handsome face of yours as well,” you started but were interrupted by your own shriek as Azriel turned around and picked you up.

“You naughty, naughty little minx. Why must you always be like this?” he said as he put you down on the counter. Despite his remarks, smiled down at you fondly. Cupping your face in his hands, he kissed your forehead and your heart exploded. It always did whenever Azriel did this. With everyone else he was always so reserved and quiet but with you he was so open and expressive. He always wore his heart on his sleeve and his glistening, gold-hazel eyes always held such love and adoration whenever he looked at you.

The two of you spent the morning just like that; wrapped up in each other, enjoying the delicious arrays of food your mate had prepared. No matter how much you would have loved to spend the entire day with your mate in bed, you knew the two of you had to leave for the House of Wind soon. Cassian would have both your asses if you didn’t show again, especially yours, since he thought you were mostly to blame for keeping Az away from the training ring. If only he knew of his brother’s greedy hands and even naughtier shadows.

Nonetheless you both got ready after a long, long shower. This time however you were truly to blame. Azriel’s glorious body laid bare before you was just too much temptation for you to ignore. Now you sat on the bed, braiding your hair as Az strapped up all his knives. You were too clad in your own leathers and stood to join him when a sudden wave of nausea rolled over you.

At first you thought your head must be spinning because of getting up too fast but then the wave returned once again, ten times stronger now. All of a sudden you had the urge to throw up all your breakfast. Before you could so all over your bedroom floor, you rushed to the bathroom. You had barely reached the toilet when your body decided to hurl your guts out. Everything you had ate came rushing out as you threw up with your head in the toilet seat. A second later you felt your mate’s steady arms around you, his hands gathering your hair into a makeshift ponytail.

After what seemed like ages, you stopped throwing up. Although the sick, nauseous feeling didn’t pass so you lingered there some while more, in case you threw up again. You got up, with Azriel’s arms wrapped around you because you were sure you would fall if you tried to stand on your own.

He sat you down on the bed and kneeled before you, running his hands up and down your arms in an attempt to soothe you.

“Hey, are you okay? What happened?” Az inquired, concern etched across his face. Great. You hated it when he worried so much, about you or anyone else. Leave it you to ruin last night’s good mood.

“I don’t know Az. It just... came over me all of a sudden,” you replied slowly, not having the energy to even form full sentences.

Your head was spinning so bad. Everything was blurred. Putting your feet up, you laid back on the pillow and closed your eyes, trying to appease your aching head. When it didn’t work, you turned to your mate. Azriel was still kneeling in his previous position, the worry flowing from him through the bond melted your heart. Knowing Azriel, he would make you stay in bed all day just so he could take care of you and make sure you were okay. And while that thought was extremely endearing, you were also aware of your mate’s innate anxiousness. He would worry himself a fever of his own if he stayed home all day. So you sat up and got ready to leave once again,

“Well whatever it was, I’m fine now. Let’s go. We’re late already and you know Cassian’s going to start whining if we’re not there soon.”

But Azriel grabbed your arm before you had even gotten up fully and instead started reprimanding you,

“There is no way you’re going to train today. You’re sick, you should rest. I’ll go get Madja as well.”

You knew this would happen. And you also knew that convincing Azriel would be a nightmare. But you truly wanted to go to training today. You missed training with the Valkyries, despite Cassian’s incessant whining.

“Az, I’m fine. I swear. It was just morning sickness, probably because of something I ate..”

Instantly Azriel’s eyes widened. It took you to a second to realize just what you had said, and before you could take back your words, Azriel shot out, voice laced in panic,

“Are you saying the food I made, made you sick?! But... I ate it as well...Everything was fresh..”

“No, no, no. Azriel, baby that’s not what I meant. There was nothing wrong with breakfast alright? It was delicious. If anything I probably ate too much of those heavenly waffles of yours,” you tried to convince him.

“So let me go and get Madja. She’ll tell us for sure what happened,” he repeated.

“Azriel, I promise I’m fine. Truly. Come on, let’s go.”

Azriel didn’t say anything but his eyes showed crystal clear just how much he wanted to protest. At this moment, concern was ebbed into every inch of his beautiful face. And you hated it.

“Az, please. I know you’re worried, but I am completely okay. Whatever that was, it’s gone now. And training is only going to make me feel better. You know how Cassian always says, being active is always the best cure.”

“So you’re quoting Cassian now? I never thought I would see this day,” Azriel taunted.

“Ugh, I am using Cassian’s lines aren’t I? Please don’t tell him. He would never let me live it down,” you begged. You knew Cassian’s ego would become bigger than the mountains around Velaris. Azriel sighed,

“You’re such a hypocrite you know? If I was sick you would have locked me up at home and forced me to rest.”

“That’s because you always push yourself beyond your limits and burn yourself out. I, on the other hand, am perfectly rested and just threw up once,” you tried to reason. Azriel took a minute before asking,

“You promise you’ll take it easy? And you’ll let me know if you get tired?”

“Yes. Yes. I swear.”

Azriel took your hands in his before kissing them both and stood to winnow the two of you to the House of Wind.

...................................................................................................

As you had expected, Cassian had started yelling as soon as the two of you walked in.

“You know I can’t really think of anything that was so important that you two had to show up an hour late,” the general barked out.

In response you only smirked and replied,

“I can think of a few things, but I can imagine why you can’t.”

Nesta and the others snickered in the corner and so did Azriel before Cassian told you to go warm up. He was deciding what to practice today with Azriel in a corner while you stretched with the girls. All the while you could feel your mate’s watchful gaze. Rolling your eyes, you turned to yet again reassure him that you were fine when you saw his expression turn sour, before he said something to Cassian who only nodded and moved over to the girls waiting. Curious, you walked over to Azriel to ask why he wasn’t joining you guys for training today,

“Everything alright?”

“It’s Rhys. He wants me to go to Ironcrest with him for a meeting,” Az replied dismally. You were well aware of your mate’s aversion of the Illyrian camps and had even worked with him to get over that strong hate of his. And he seemed to be getting over it slowly as well so this moodiness really confused you.

“It’s only for a day, Az. You’ll be fine you big bat,” you joked, trying to lighten his mood.

“It’s not that...” If it wasn’t the Illyrians bothering him, then what was...Oh.

“Azriel, darling. How many times do I have to tell you, I am fine. Do you want me to write it down for you?”

Azriel shot you a glare at your words. You knew he was worried but going to Ironcrest might actually be good for him. If anything it would take his mind off of what happened this morning.

“Are you sure you’re alright? Truly?” he asked slowly. You only nodded.

“And you’ll tell me if you feel sick again?”

“Yes, Azriel. Now go work you overbearing bat!” you answered.

Azriel kissed you one last time before winnowing away. You slowly walked over to the others when Cassian remarked,

“The two of you are really useless whenever you’re together, just like a bunch of horny teenagers!”

Feeling particularly snarky, you shot back,

“Why must you take your frustrations out on the rest of us just because you don’t get any action Cassian.”

Later you would find that perhaps you should have kept your mouth shut. Perhaps you shouldn’t have taunted your general and trainer so much. As it turns out Cassian’s response to your jokes would not be another taunt, no, no. That sadistic son of a bitch made all of you train five times harder than you usually did. More laps to be run, more obstacle courses, basically more of everything.

Everyone was getting tired and you could feel some of the priestesses throw you some nasty glares, probably because they blamed you for today’s extra work. Even Gwyn and Nesta, the ones with the biggest mouths, had said,

“You just couldn’t keep quite could you.” As a response, you had only shrugged and continued your exercise.

Now Cassian was having all of you run laps around the training arena, which seemed to expand after every lap. Your legs started to numb and you were becoming more light headed by the second. And you had promised Azriel to take it easy today. Maybe the Shadowsinger was right. Maybe you couldn’t be trusted to take care of yourself.

So after what seemed like your hundredth lap around the arena, you walked over to Cassian. The task difficult in and of itself. By now you were sweating buckets and you could swear your vision was blurring.

“C'mon Cass. I’m sorry okay? We’ve had enough for the day, everyone’s tired. We can train more tomorrow,” you tried to reason with the general.

“You should of thought of that before running your mouth,” he snapped.

“Then let us take a break...”

“Nope. And last I checked you still have ten laps left,” Cassian threw back without remorse.

“Cass I’m serious. I’m really tired. At least let me get some water,” you cried.

“Like I said, ten more laps. Then you can get your water,” Cassian said shortly. Frustrated and tired, you merely flipped him off before running to join the others.

You had managed only one more lap when it happened. Everything was blurred all of a sudden, the voices around you too muffled to comprehend. Your legs numb, too weak to hold up your weight. Darkness started creeping up in the corners of your vision. A sharp pain pierced through your abdomen and you hit the ground.

Nesta had been the one closest to you and had just turned around to make a joke about your slow speed when she saw you crumple to the floor. Yelling your name, she ran to your side.

Upon reaching you, she saw how drained you looked. Your skin that was always glowing and sun kissed was now too pale to be normal. Despite the scorching heat you were cold to the touch. Fear coursed through her very being as she yelled for Cassian on the other side of the arena. Hearing her anguished cry, Cassian turned to them and his eyes widened at the sight before him. The general had been beside them in an instant and after trying to shake you awake, had picked you up and flew you down to the House to get Madja. The valkyries not far behind him.

All the while, guilt and fear seemed to take turns gnawing at his heart. You had told him you were tired, that you needed a break. He had done this to you. Shit. Azriel was going to kill him. After five centuries he was going to die at his brother’s hand. It wasn’t the worst death possible per se. If Azriel went easy on him, that is. Which he probably wouldn’t.

...................................................................................................

Azriel knew something was wrong as soon they walked out of the suffocating cabin of the Illyrian lords. An ice cold feeling rushed through him and his heart felt as if it had been stabbed with an ashwood arrow. The feeling nearly making him lose his balance as he grabbed the nearest railing for support. His mind jumped to all the worst conclusions. The bond between him and his mate was pulled tight as if trying to hold itself together. The complete and utter silence from you didn’t help either. He quickly sent a message to Rhys that he was leaving and without waiting for a reply, winnowed back to Velaris.

As soon as he arrived, he rushed to where his shadows told him. Instead of seeing you, he was met with Cassian and Nesta, along with Gwyn and Emerie. Nesta opened her mouth to say something but he beat her to it,

“What happened?” His tone laced with deadly iced, only concerned with the well being of his mate, nothing else. It was Nesta who answered yet again,

“Well we were training and running laps when she fainted. She must have gotten tired...”

Although he interrupted her once again as he turned to Cassian and spat at him,

“Damn it Cassian! I asked one thing from you. One fucking thing. I told you to take it easy on her today!”

The general didn’t even have the courage to look his brother in the eye, knowing full well that it was because of him that the woman, who was by all means his sister, was in this state. Although his silence only seemed to enrage the Shadowsinger even more. Azriel moved to probably punch the shit out of him when the door opened and Madja walked out.

Azriel was by her side in a second, asking a thousand questions. But Madja silenced him by only saying,

“She’s perfectly alright Azriel. Go, she’s waiting for you.”

Madja left soon after ushering the rest of them along, without saying anything more to Azriel, only giving him a kind smile. This confused the male even more. Surely if anything was wrong, the healer would have let him know right? While it should have reassured him, the tension slammed back into him like a tidal wave when he re-entered the room and saw you staring blankly at the wall, your hand bunched up in the sheets. Immediately he was by your side. The anxiousness only increased when he put his hands around your face to get your attention but you still stayed silent.

“Darling what’s wrong?” he asked apprehensively. Silence.

“You’re scaring me, love. What did Madja say? Is everything alright? Do you want to see another healer? I can...”

Your heart had dropped when Madja had given you the news. Although you still hadn’t decided whether it had been in a good way or bad way. It’s not like you didn’t want kids. On the contrary, you loved children and had always wanted some of your own. It was just...honestly you don’t even know what’s bothering you. The war with Hybern had been over for almost ten years now. Prythian has been relishing in hard won peace. Sure there were small conflicts here and there between the courts, but even those were on a diplomatic level.

But still... both your jobs were highly dangerous, especially Azriel’s. It was an honour to work for the High Lord of the Night Court, but it came with an inevitable list of enemies who would go to any length to hurt you or your mate. Was it even safe to have a child in such conditions? Was it even fair considering they could be orphaned any day?

And Azriel...what would he think? Would he want this? The two of you had many conversations about having children but it was always in the distant future, never a set time. Some day. Some year. Never had the two of you actually decided when you would start trying.

“I’m pregnant,” was all you let out, in a whisper so low he almost thought he had imagined it. Almost.

“What?”

“I...I’m pregnant,” you repeated.

It was his turn to go silent now. This was... not what he had been expecting. However his silence seemed to have instilled a certain fear in you as you pulled your hands away from him instantly. God, he was an idiot.

You not only pulled your hand away but physically recoiled as you got up and started pacing the room. He remained still where he was. Pregnant. You were pregnant. His mind was thinking a million different things at the same time, trying to process the news you had just given him. It wasn’t like he was against having children. Not at all. It was just that the news was so sudden and had come out of nowhere. But he soon realised he needed to push his own uncertainty aside as he saw tears making their way down your face.

He was instantly at your side, bringing you once again to sit at the bed.

“Hey, its okay. You’re fine. Everything’s fine,” he tried reassuring you. But as a result you only cried harder.

“Darling, what’s wrong? Are you not happy? You don’t have to do this if you feel like you’re not ready...”

“What? No! No. I thought you... I thought you weren’t happy because you didn’t say anything,” you cried out.

“Of course I want this. I’ve wanted a family with you ever since we first got together. I was just shocked, that’s it. Of course I’m happy you idiot!” he exclaimed before leaning forward and kissing your forehead. The two of you stayed like that for God knows how long; hands intertwined and foreheads together.

“We're having a baby,” he whispered, like a secret. A secret so sacred that the thought of sharing it felt like sacrilege.

“We’re having a baby,” you whispered right back.

...................................................................................................

While the two of you were happier than you had ever been, and it was increasingly difficult to contain said happiness, you both decided that you would keep this from everyone else. At least for the time being. You had made the excuse that you hadn’t been sleeping well which is why you had passed out from exhaustion. Whether or not they had believed you was another story altogether. Although considering everyone knew of how often you and your mate got busy with your activities, the excuse wasn’t entirely unbelievable.

The two of you stayed home together, too overjoyed and overwhelmed with the news to deal with anyone right now. The brilliant orange and yellow of the sky were giving way to the endless black of the night sky as the stars started to appear from behind the clouds. The two of you simply held each other in bed, trying to process and come to terms with the events of the day.

Bringing a baby into this world was a huge deal... the responsibility, the risks. It was all so much. To say you were terrified would be an understatement. But Azriel wanted this and so did you. After the two of you had processed the initial shock, he had kissed you hard and told you just how happy he was, how he was going to be at your side no matter what. It wasn’t like you were having second thoughts, no, you were just scared and uncertain of your abilities.

You turned to look over at your mate. Even though his eyes were closed, you knew he wasn’t sleeping. The moonlight filtering in from the windows cast an ethereal glow over him and made him look even more beautiful than usual, which you didn’t think was possible. Azriel was perfect, in every way that mattered. Even if he disagreed. To you Azriel was the beauty of angels personified for the world to enjoy.

He slowly opened his eyes and took you in,

“Why aren’t you sleeping my love?,” he asked.

“Just thinking,” you answered, intertwining your hands in his. Running your fingers through the scars and ridges, you brought his hand to your mouth and placed a delicate kiss on his knuckles. Though you didn’t miss the shudder that went through him as you did.

“About what?”

“Everything I guess...”you murmured, “Like how are we going to tell everyone?”

“Cauldron, they’re all going to freak out,” Azriel groaned.

“Especially Cassian and Rhysand. Those two are going to go nuts,” you laughed out, truly amused as you tried to imagine your family’s reaction. You knew the two Illyrians would go ballistic at the thought of becoming uncles. Considering the two of you are the first out of the inner circle to have children, it’s not completely unrealistic that they would all be excited.

“Maybe we should just tell Cassian. He would go crazy over it and go tell everyone else. We wouldn’t even have to do anything,” you offered but were met with only silence.

You turned to your mate and saw all the mirth that was there only a few seconds ago, was gone. Now his eyes looked hollow and deep in thought. Despite him not saying anything, you could practically hear the screws twisting and turning in his head, a tell tale sign that he was overthinking. Not wanting to startle him, you nudged him lightly to get his attention,

“What’s wrong, Az? And don’t say nothing,”

He simply turned to you with his sad gaze. The two of you were now laying on your sides, facing each other. You brought your hand to his cheek to comfort him and were relieved when he leaned into the touch. He simply stared at you, as if trying to peer into your soul. Although he didn’t have to try too hard if he ever wanted to. The mating bond the two of you shared was an ever-growing bridge of light between your very beings. After a moment of silence he spoke up,

“I’m scared, my love.”

“I’m scared too darling but I know we can do this together. We..”

“No, you don’t get it. I have no doubts that you’ll be an amazing mother. You’re brave and kind and intelligent... you’re amazing. I... I’m worried I won’t be a good father,” Azriel stated simply. And it was his resigned tone that worried you. As if he truly believed he would be a bad father.

“Why would you ever think something like that?”

“Well it’s not completely unthinkable now is it?” he put forward dejectedly. “I mean you know how my father was. No matter how much I try to deny it, I am his son aren’t I? Who’s to say I won’t turn out like him?”

Your heart dropped to your stomach. It seemed unthinkable yet inevitable that Azriel’s mind would wander down that road of self loathing and doubt. In an instant you removed yourself from his embrace and sat up. Turning to him and taking his hands in yours you said,

“Azriel, listen to me. You are nothing like that man. You never have been and never will be. You’re so kind and brave.”

“But what if I am? You know me, you know the things I’ve done, the things I’ve been seen. What if after everything that I have been through, something has broken inside me? What if I become like him.” Azriel laid out all his worries and fears, and each one ripped your soul to shreds. It pained you to see the man you loved, who you thought to be the Mother’s blessing to you, think of himself as such.

“You’re right Az. I do know you. And it is because I know you that I am saying that you are nothing like that monster. Someone like your father wouldn’t love and care for me as you do, wouldn’t be so devoted and loyal to his family like you. You’re perfect as you are my darling. You are not broken. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I know your soul, Azriel. It’s bright and warm and loving, just like you. It may have a few cracks but so does mine and so does everyone else’s. But you know why I’m not afraid of that? Because I know you will be there to hold me together if I ever fall apart, just like I would for you, darling.”

Tears made their way down Az’s face. Adoration and gratitude shining in his eyes. You had been aware of Azriel’s self depreciating tendencies even before the mating bond clicked for the either of you. Even then, when the two of you were nothing more than close friends, you had vowed to yourself that you would help Azriel overcome this pointless hatred and see just how brilliant he was.

“I love you, you know that? I love you, Always and Forever,” Azriel whispered between tears. Your heart swelled as Azriel repeated your mating vow. One that has always been special out of all the others.

“Always and Forever,” you mirrored back against his lips as he pulled you in for another kiss. And just like that Azriel spent the entire night reminding you just how much he loved you, the mating bond between your very souls glowing like a bridge of pure light.

....................................................................................................................

Now when all is said and done, you wished you had listened to Azriel. You wish you had not been so damn stubborn for just once in your life and had stayed home. But no. You just had to be thick headed and difficult. It had been almost a week since the two of you found out about the pregnancy and no one else knew yet, your shields had ensured that. Azriel had been by your side for every second of the day and it had been all the more endearing, seeing him so flustered and concerned. Concerned, but happy. He had also been indirectly putting off any missions outside of Velaris. Between your break from training and his from his work, it had become a running gag between the two of you. At night you would retreat to your home and laugh about how long it would take for your family to figure it out.

You had insisted to go out to Velaris with Nesta. The two of you had been wanting to visit a new bookstore that had just opened in the Rainbow. Rumour has it, it held some of the steamiest romance novels in the city, which had pulled the two of you in like moths to a flame. What you hadn’t been aware was that fire pulled in other things as well. Things one would do anything to avoid.

Having purchased nearly half the store, the two of you were well worn out. Well that and you remembered that you had promised Azriel you would stop if you felt yourself beginning to tire, which is why the two of you stopped at a cafe to have lunch. If Azriel had so much of a speckle of doubt that you were over straining yourself, that fussy mother hen wouldn’t let you go anywhere alone for the next nine months. Perhaps you should have shared his sentiments. Perhaps it was you taking this utter blessing for granted that had led to this.

It all happened so fast that you don’t even recall what exactly did happen. Nesta had gone to order the two of you some ice cream and brownies from the cafe while you sat at the table outside with your books, giving your sore feet some well desired rest. However the heat started getting to your head and the though of the absolutely exquisite, freezing chocolate ice cream felt as relieving as an oasis in a desert. Riddled with impatience, you threw your bag in a corner and stood to follow the brunette into the cafe.

You had taken merely a couple steps from your table when a pair of arms wrapped around you. Your body froze at the intrusion and before you could scream, the instigator clasped their hand over your mouth, rendering you speechless. Thrashing against them proved pointless, not that you wanted it to escalate to a physical fight. Though you would have had no qualms about teaching this bastard a lesson, you knew things were now different. You could not risk your baby no matter what. As a second resort you tried to call on your powers but an ice cold rush of fear went through your body when nothing came. Nothing. You could feel nothing. Not an ounce of that soaring spark you always felt as your power flew to the surface.

Fear became a tangible, living force that crept over you like some hungry beast, immobilizing you; your brain, holding you captive. You were paralysed as you realised you couldn’t escape. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not when you and your mate had just gotten this good news.

As a pathetic last resort, you thrashed against the person holding you once again, a cry of panic made its way out but was muffled once again. All of a sudden a piece of cloth was put to your face. Disgusted by the utter stench of it, you tried to recoil but were only pushed further into it. Whatever it was, it was working. In the end you had been right. It really was too dangerous for you and Azriel to have a baby. The two of you had too many enemies, though some distant part of your mind wondered which one you were faced with now, and how they had found out. Your muscles started numbing and your vision darkened.

And everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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