I really want to talk about Pluto but no one has read it / seen it, and I want everyone to read it / watch it (it's newly animated and on ntetlfix by the way!!! by the way!!!!!!) ,and I don't want to spoil things, so all I can do is post pictures of dearest Epsilon, sad eyed robot man (who was rightfully given the lipgloss treatment in the anime) king of my heart etc etc. anyway watch Pluto it's like robots and mystery and intrigue and also completely devastating

Gesicht is the protagonist and he is a really great protagonist, the story is intriguing and compelling, the style is fantastic (the animation is just about 1-to-1 with the manga) and there's. uhh. robots with ptsd from the war. robots with ptsd from other things. etcetera.

lmao last night my friends said I couldnt [learn to] fight because Im too soft and i dont have any 'mongrel' in me and Ill never 'snap' team I am a patient guy but like doesnt everyone have a snapping point lmfao like...? anyway I was dancing to meatloafs 'took the wordz right outta my mouth' while triyng to make my case so maybe not the most convincing moment. anyway. mine injured pride...

showing up at 4pm april 2nd australian eastern standard time like. oh i see sometbing has happened here

this comes as A Surprise to me but Dune 2 was really good. a lot better than part 1 I reckon (hence why it exceeded my middling expectations).

watchrd the godfather for the first time. its very good. also tho when I got to the 'look how they massacred my boy' line im like hey... wait... that's not funny at all---

(obviously nothing about the words would indicate humour but watching it was still like ... why DID this become a joke actually ajfgbd. anyway cant say ill abstain from the joke now or anything because it Is Funny but yknow)

Tron (1982)

by the way this latest friend is - yes you guessed it leaving the country in less than two weeks,

yesterday my best friend and I went to a vtm LARP (hosted at the goth club venue by one of the goth club guys) 30ppl or so. we were a pair of malks Convinced of our Rockstar Fame. one of our key bits for communicating this was a delusion was changing our band name whenever someone asked and also saying a different name to one another with no awareness. and also saying to people 'nooo I think Ive seen you at our gigs before' when they hadnt heard of us, etc. we made the characters in a rush beforehand and it panned out differently to how we expected bt went really well. everyone went along with it lmao and we ended up as the new owners of the club (kind of, in the sense that Elysium was disbanded by consensus and so we said the space was ours now and everyone was like Yeah Alright) (this is the power of valley girl accents) and declared that we would organise Vampire LiveAid AKA Undead Aid to unite the clans etc etc. fun to see how different people mostly playing much more serious charcaters reacted to us like watching it 'click' when they realised we were full of shit AND YET being harmless idiots may have gotten us actual support and power we certainly got almost everyone to put their hands up and say aye to being our 'fans' during an important council at the end of the night abt the future of the clans lol.

sad about it all again

In a couple days I’m gonna take my lovr out to Japanese and then we’re gonna watch Dune (1984), which is a simple enough plan but it really felt like I was laying some kind of trap with this suggestion, u know. lmao. I’m all like, “open to other suggestions” while I outline my dastardly little idea, as if they would ever NOT want to get Japanese and watch Dune ‘84. I’m actually convinced this idea for hanging out would be perfect bait for a min. 50% of people I know, but maybe as many as 80%. [points at those of u reading this] tell me I’m wrong? You all want Japanese food and Dune ‘84.

=w= its da 20th of may we fly out on the 24th of may our tickets for the g0th festival have not arrived I begin to doubt they will arrive before we go (or ever?) it’s FINE... we can probably(?) quote our invoice number at the box office to get our wristbands, BUT... BOY I’d love if the hundreds-of-dollars tickets for the central event of our thousands-of-dollars trip would... ARRIVE... NOW.

im not sure when I last did laundry but here I am making blog posts while the clothes basket sits before me waiting

things r fine just debriefing a short convo into a huge poste

caved and asked one of my damage-informed (and also reasonable-inquiry) questions through text. you can't imagine how much I don't like to take serious topics into text format, hate Getting Weird Over Text, but a) this qn always feels so unimportant in-person, yet haunts me semi-regularly when I'm alone. had told myself several times I'd just get it out of the way IRL only to be like 'psh, nah'. and b) due to recent propensity for crying - and also non-recent perpetuity of crying at ANY serious moment - I felt that just this once text was safer than IRL for keeping things sensible.

it went fine (I say that now, we'll see if my lover is actually waiting to follow it up with an honourable in-person "Call It Off Because You Were Weird", but I don't THINK that's it). I somehow got an answer very very close to the Fear Outcome but in a way that I feel okay about?

Basically confirmed what I already know. this is all re: some near-arbitrary semantics of the relationship, basically that we are dating (sike did you all think I officially worked that out before valentines, like I said I would? I did not. but I did become more confident in that truth, before this recent upset. it is a relief to have this confirmed actually tho) BUT we are not 'partners'/in a serious relationship.

if that sounds weird to you. well yeah. this is what I mean by arbitrary semantics and nebulous areas. "we are lovers and we are friends and we've been going on dates for 6 months but it's not...?" anyway, however bizarre that sounds, it feels good to me and is about what I expected and wanted.

even though: its close to what I feared, too, separated only by the nature and details of the conversation. honestly I think it just makes a difference to me to hear "lover" "friend" "date" rather than cut-and-dry "friends with benefits" though try explaining the actual difference there?? it Feels different. to me at least lmfao, there may be less distinction to her, but by god she has the tact not to say so. I think it just affirms that my soft little feelings, are okay as they are. are not entirely misplaced, even though they wont go any further. I did not have illusions about her feelings but mine are still being looked after, yeah.

think also this whole thing just feels different to... you know... the past situation that recently re-haunts me (do you know that came to a crux about this time of year as well...? and with the impending end of things, I became so scared that it would all twist up the same way). probably the fact that things are being communicated at all makes a world of difference dont you think adchsbsj!!! like it may be late in the game to re-affirm these details, but it's happening at a decent and safer moment. in that past exp, the relationship exploded in a bad way and SIMULTANEOUSLY I found out that we were not even dating... according to them. so you can see why I might be hung up what counts as dating or not.

Im not asking for love, I just wanted to know Im not being made a complete fool of (again).

talking about this always feels like Im going to get y'all saying 'oh, bri...' because I Know how it reads still (yes I am a fool all round).

I will keep an eye on myself. In that same past exp I made the mistake of convincing myself I was ok with certain things like this, only to subsequently have really volatile and opposite feelings about it. sometimes I can tamp down distress with the cool detachment of logic but ofc that bitch comes back UP, you know? so I will keep an eye on myself here to see if I'm ACTUALLY still good with this situation as it stands, or if I'm just Trying to be good with it.

a lot of blog post to say: things are alright. my chest has been aching the last few days since it got into my head that there are parallels with the past. but it finally stopped hurting, and my heartrate finally settled, after speaking with them about it - I feel soft and safe again. so I think it's safe to say it's a good outcome. I feel I can separate it from the past again.

hope we can still stick the landing and get the 'good ending' when she leaves aus and we stay friends after hehe. I believe!! I believe!! I dont want this damage to take that ending from me!

might delete this'n its a mess but wanted to get it out thx if u read lmfao

“...if I read my Spocks correctly.”

however after that

I went to see my friend and we went to an orphan xmas together and. the strangest thing happened where... “person I am seeing still acted like they wanted me around, even in the company of others”...! crazy, I know.

Anyway, I dont know, small thing like that highlights the way partners have treated me in the past, not badly as such but hey, when something like this is shocking to me I gotta look back like... damn usually partners act like I’m just some friend or perhaps vague acquaintance LOL, and I feel like a nuisance if I want to stick by them in a room full of strangers. I’m not asking for gross tier PDA but I’ve dated a lot of people who are apparently averse to showing ANY affection for me or connection to me in front of others. And I went to this thing kind of expecting to be abandoned in the same way (especially because this friend and I are not like, any official term. someone I am kind of ‘dating by any other name’ but still calling a friend, and don’t feel a need to define or push it any further) but they were like inclusive and affectionate toward me. like wtf. “huh? what? you can do that? (pause) wait why did I expect someone who cares about me to act like I’m nothing to them?!”

So following that I had a stupid nice moment on the drive home with them where it ‘clicked’ for me that they Like Having Me Around. I don’t know how to describe these Click Moments about established facts (bro we’ve been hanging out for a couple months of course they like having me around) but sometimes it takes a while for things to set in.

anyways, so, yes this is going to end sometime, not least of all because they’re actively working toward leaving the country lol and some other factors too, but man it has been nice in so many ways for me. I am enjoying it. I am just like really happy about it in several ways.

I know I am like, a hurt thing, and evidently I have some WEAK existing standards for treatment - I’d’ve said I was ruthless about what I will accept, but I do have blind spots and I do have some massive insecurities as well - but it’s nice to... get examples of... not just better things, but in fact Very Good things. is this making sense.

anyway. dont tell me I’ve got it bad, hush, I am just letting it be haha. I HAVE made the mistake before of ‘reading into’ this kind of Friendship (and can you blame me?) so I am being a little careful with myself dw. But I am also too sweet on the world to Temper it. lol. nothing wrong with feelin a little soft.