I’m just a girl who deserves to live her dream life with a lot of love and a lot of money.

I am going to let you guide my behaviour. You who I haven't yet met. You who I know I will meet. My future love, my future partner. I know I should improve first and foremost for myself. I know I should heal for me. I know I should take these decisions that are right for myself. But is it so bad if my motivation is us? The life we will build together. The people we will be to each other. The way we will love each other. Is it so bad if I gather strength from the idea of us? And let that help me do what I need to do now? You will be someone I will love, yes, but also respect and cherish, and I will be someone you love, respect, and cherish. So the things I do now, the choices I make, have to be those that I can be proud of sharing with you. And breaking my own heart, letting others break it, or breaking that of someone else will not be choices I will be proud to share with you. I don't want you to look at me like you don't think I'm the absolute best. So I will do better. No matter how hard it is now, I will do better. For us.

I am wealthy.

I am happy.

I have everything positive in abundance.

My career is flourishing.

I am recognised for my brains and beauty.

I am intelligent.

I am worthy.

I have a healthy body and mind.

Money is no object.

I inspire people to be better.

I think, despite my not setting one earlier and my general aversion to New Year's Resolutions, that I am going to resolve to try and remove shame from the toolbox I use to examine, influence, and, change the world around me and within me. I think we've had enough of that. I think I've had enough of that.

A human can be best. But he won't be far from the worst. Maybe, that's the most tragic thing.

We all know you come to tumblr for a hope core and yes that’s right this is the space .. I’m so proud of how you all want to be better at this point. I always wish you all well healthy and happiness and luck 🍀

Three days wasted.

On the 4th I woke up at 1 pm so the day felt gone and predictable, I didn't know how or what to do so I got on my phone and scrolled through tik tok and we all know how that goes,15 minutes turned to 30 and 30 turns 5 hours and so on. 6 am rolled around and I was still aimlessly and shamefully scrolling. I knew that if I went to bed I would have a repeat of the day before but if I didn't I could at least get a walk and dose myself with lots of caffeine to survive until nighttime. Clearly, both ideas had their flaws but I went with the second option. It was good- I went on a 3-mile trek or at least a trek is what it felt like after being immobile and having a torn ACL not to mention the excruciating sun which ate at my skin with its heat. Anyway, I had 3 cups of coffee and took vitamins cause why not? Then I ran my mother’s errands with her came home fell asleep for 2 hours woke up to have dinner came back showered and laid in my bed contemplating life then scrolled TikTok with the guilt of life still in the back of my head. See that’s the catch I know what I want and how I want to live but because I am not living that I don't live. I’d rather disconnect and watch other people live out my dreams this creates stagnation in my life and it’s an endless cycle. Anyway, after scrolling for a bit, I put my phone down and masturb8ed because I felt like it, I can't help but feel like a criminal when I pleasure myself, but maybe that's due to the unfortunate sexual trauma of the past or that my mom caught me masturb8ing at 15 and interrogated me on my sexual relations when the truth was I had never had sex but I had been molested in the recent, at the time, past. I don't know why I did it maybe I wanted to see if I was capable of pleasure? I don't know that's not really something I feel like getting into right this second, perhaps for a future post, we can dive into that whole experience because there is so much more I want to expand on but I digress. The point is I went back to scrolling (after I washed up again I'm not an animal) (even where I’m anonymous I still feel like I need to explain myself) and stayed up until 4 am even though I knew how tired I was. I woke at 2 pm and repeated the 4th, I hate that I live this way, I’m trying to break out of it. Things are looking up though, currently, I’m onboarding for a new job I’m actually excited about. Thank the higher powers or co-creators that it is out of the restaurant/fast food industry because that was a truly troubling time. This job truly feels like a ticket to the life I want to live. I can get my place and make enough money to travel and I feel like this is what I’m supposed to do next, I’m seeing the angel numbers, ifykyk. I’m thinking of starting content creation on TikTok because I know the doors it can open for me with the proper dedication and creativity. I also love how work can be as creative as I am and I can be my boss, The only thing is I care too much about what people think, but I need to get over myself.  I got this! And I’m so sorry if you can relate to the sadder parts of this post, I know it's hard but have grace with yourself this is your first time living (unless you believe in reincarnation, which I do but I think I am a young and old soul in different ways, so a middle-aged soul). I know I’m in no position to be giving advice but truly do what makes you happy and get screen limitation like I did, if we want to change our lives we ourselves have to change. And remember you miss 100000% of the shots you don't take. Just say Fuck it and do it, DREAM BIG. 

“Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about” -Winston Churchill

team emmett being the superior strongest vampire rather than felix thank you

34 -

My family thinks I’m absolutely nuts. They’re constantly whispering to younger cousins “don’t copy her” and “she’ll always be the wild one, never thinking”. I was desperate to fit in but I never really did. And now I’m out here wondering why the hell I ever wanted to in the first place.

Blood is thicker than water, but water has the power to dilute the strength of blood.

True, I can be reckless and impulsive. If I want something, I have to have it. I am selfish and persistent in my pursuit. Whether or not it’s good for me is another story. I’m stubborn and sensitive, sometimes blindly optimistic.

But frankly, if we spend time waiting for the perfect moment….it’ll never come. No matter how much we plan and prepare, there are always uncertainties.

I believe we have to create opportunities for ourselves. I don’t want to wait around and wonder, I want to know. If I fail (is anything really a failure or just a redirection?), then I have more information than I started with. Something was still gained.

Some caution is a good thing. However, awareness + acceptance always > caution.

It’s not about succeeding - it’s about trying. It’s about having faith, trusting that things are always working out in your favor. Reflection and introspection, then continuing to move forward. Everything is a lesson, to teach us more about ourselves.

At the end of my life, I want to be able to say I lived a full one. That I didn’t hold back out of fear. That I didn’t succumb to being a victim of circumstance, I didn’t stay complacent within the status quo. I don’t want there to be any “what-ifs”. I want to be able to say that it all had to happen this way. That I understand the meaning of my story.

That I loved fiercely and passionately. That I didn’t allow the injustices of the world to harden me. That I used my pain for good, turned it into hope. That I continued to strive for better, that I never gave up.

That I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did it with compassion, self-respect, and grace. That I confidently pursued my dreams and I humbly acknowledged my mistakes. That my experiences shaped me, they didn’t just happen to me.

At the end, I want to say that I know who I am and what I stand for. That in my life, I made the most of it to become the truest version of myself.

I was reflecting on where I am now and where I have been before, I'm definitely growing and being a better version of myself.

I'm grateful for every hardship I've encountered, every heartbreak, every time I cried my heart out, every time I was misjudged and every time I was made to feel I wasn't good enough. I didn't see the silver lining back then but now I'm looking back and realising that these things are what pushed me to leave my comfort zone to learn and grow. Every situation is a lesson, learn, move on and grow.

The other day, my good friend told me, "Do you realize that other people don't see what you see?"

And like... dang. Yes, in the back of my mind, I know this.

I've been hypervigilant and hyper-observant intermixed with simply letting EVERYTHING go for so long that it's been really hard to gauge what's going on in the world (not to mention the spiritual plane).

Plus the whole empath, intuitive, former codependent, autistic thing...

It's a little brutal right now, I'm not going to lie - I see really problematic behaviors in people so much more clearly and I have to figure out if I want that in my life or not.

And worse, I see problematic behaviors in myself, and I have to figure out how to regulate and heal from those.

At the end of the day, I must tell myself: I love myself unconditionally, I can have personal boundaries, and I will try to be better today than I was yesterday.

Waves

Guided across oceans

By violent winds

Will eventually calm themselves

And caress the shore

Ships will see nothing

Save the endless blue

Of sky and sea

Pierced by a sun made of hate

Only to arrive

At that place of safety

The same sun

Listlessly kissing the trees

I'm going somewhere

I know I'm moving

Slowly

I

Am

Moving

how do you deal with friends/family/people in your life treating you like your past self?and holding onto the image of you that they have?

That’s one of the most difficult things to go through when you’re transitioning to your better self.

And it sucks because you’re genuinely trying so hard to become better, to accomplish all the things you set out to.

First of all, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. It’s not easy to decide to change for the better. And it’s great that instead of fighting with them, you’re ready to find a solution instead. That’s already a step to being a better person.

My biggest advice would be to talk. You don’t have to have discussions over YOUR choices. But you can drop a comment here and there which would hopefully end the chapter.

For instance, let’s say you’re trying to eat healthy. But your friends are used to you eating junk and all sorts of crap and mock you when you’re trying to be better. How do make them stop associating you with that?

1. The polite way: start by telling them little goals you accomplished.

“I cut out having coffee and replaced that with juice or tea - it’s been a week, and I literally feel so good about myself!”

- any good friend will support you and encourage you.

2. The curt way: refuse to engage in activities that go against the decisions you made for yourself. And provide a solution.

“Hey guys, I’m really not up for pizza tonight. I’m on a health kick for myself and I want to make it last. However, I can join you guys when you’re done after - maybe we can watch a movie or something?”

3. The last resort: at this point, you’ve done everything and all that you can to convince them to encourage you. Be strict. This is YOUR life. YOUR body. YOUR choices.

“Hey. I just wanted to be honest with you. I’ve really been trying to work on myself and be better but it feels like I’m not being taken seriously. It makes me feel bad when you mock me or belittle me because I genuinely consider you a good friend in my life. I’d support you no matter what you were going through, can you do the same for me?”

- tell them that you’re not attacking them

- be open about your feelings

- ask them why they feel to say shit to you

- the goal isn’t to fight, the goal is to understand each other

I also want you to take something else into account. You need to start behaving the way you want them to behave. You need to also be an encouraging, supportive friend in their life and cheer their goals. Lead by example. Show them how it’s done.

And even if it feels weird at first, remember- all people who have made massive changes in their life have felt weird at one point. It’s a sign that you’re actually doing well.

Something I’ve never told a single soul… when I was in a toxic relationship of the past, I used to cut myself. I felt nothing. I didn’t feel the pain, but knowing there was blood reassured me I wasn’t just a zombie, even though that’s how I felt. Today, I found the scars on my rib cage.

i was just a kid

unable to breathe

finding beauty and pain in everything

my friend is perfect, i wish i could be her

my parents are perfect, i wish i could be a better daughter

the sunrise is perfect, so why am i still depressed

looking at the sky wondering why?

why can’t i be more than what i am

unable to breathe

i was never a kid