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thewriterowl · 3 months

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So, I'm exhausted and stressed and can't focus fully on writing fan fiction but seems ready to unleash creative spew on the SW-series we have gotten and how it could've been SO much better. I wanted to start with one, the one that seemed to have been the trigger of this weird ripple of poorly written series and see if I can unleash more for others (Not you Andor, you are perfection)

Book of Boba Fett

Scrap Din. Completely. Remove him. He doesn't even touch the show. Mentioned is acceptable, maybe even a sort of cameo where Fennec comes in to see Boba talking to him but hears nothing as they disconnect. Boba makes some note on what Djarin is doing as a way to express how much time has passed since the end of Season 2 of the Mandalorian. Maybe. But that's it.

Instead, there will be more memories opening up the episodes, even after Boba heals and is back to true form. For one, I think it would be beneficial to show a bit more young-Boba and show how angry and hateful and scared he was after Jango's death (let's get some re-makes of Clone War scenes) and how it shows his anger is consuming him. Show clips of him connected with Cad Bane and the dent in his helmet. Give little pieces to show how he went from that very angry and feral child to the rather composed man in Empire Strike's Back-Return of the Jedi to where he is now.

The tension of the politics are stretched out more. We will see Boba trying to actually take on a leadership role as Daimo but has the urge to be like he was before. And it's only when he starts allowing more of his self out does the good leader really blossom (ie. his brilliance of having the dinner above the supposed empty cage). He can even have conversations with Fennec of, "I was reckless and stupid with my anger before. And I got a face full of a scars and a head with less hair because of it." With her, ever the snarky wise one, going, "Being angry doesn't mean you be stupid."

Street kids are good, but not with the motorbikes. I feel they should've been more like the one character Kenobi met (his daughter in real life) who was telling him to get high and forget his problems--it's easier that way. They felt too punk and it was out of place for this planet at this time. They steal, maybe Robin Hood things here and there but are mostly out for their own group and themselves; exactly how Boba and Fennec were just a short time ago. Fennec could even connect to that girl and scoff in memory, "You're tough...I met a kid just like you on a job before" and now we have the presences of Omega within this series and how important she is here and not just in a singular location and can give audience the hope Omega and Boba will one day meet (season 3 of Bad Batch sorta helping confirm or deny this). While Boba is able to connect and warn them to not be like him and let their anger and hatred fool them into trusting arrogance. maybe someone makes a point, or maybe Boba realizes it himself, but this sounds very Jedi-esque and that haunts him.

Boba spent so many years hating the Jedi (mainly Mace) so having these moments of maturity would make him pause. It would end, of course, with him denouncing the belief because he is Mandalorian, like his father before him, and not everything is about the Jedi, because he fully believes in revenge and anger just not like how he used to. Now, he controls it. It doesn't control him. And he can let his hate for the Jedi finally go (ghost Mace, who was probably watching him the whole time is so relieved and lets the man go as well; not in the show but just in my heart).

The Tribe is not dead and, instead, at least a few survived (ie the child and the warrior and a few others; we did not get that incredible train scene for them to be all killed off camera) and we see Boba, who is dealing with the trauma of everything in his life, have a moment where he breaks down and apologizes to them (maybe not anything specific; maybe not really to them but to his younger self who never had a chance) seeing this as his fault. They forgive him, cause he needs forgiveness in some way, and offer him a home within their smaller tribe but he isn't ready for that and they accept it. Now, they are the ones who return to him and assist him in the final battle. This will also lead up to where it comes full circle for him. He will offer them a place within the city but they do not accept (they are a colonized people after all; I do not see them wanting to be within that city) and instead are welcomed to his territory as a home-base to return to should they ever wish and they part on good terms and promises of seeing each other again. It would end with Boba watching them leave into the setting suns, feeling longing but also a sensation of peace that they were going where they should go and he was where he was needed. So, he turns from them as they disappear into the melting suns and grunts out, "Just a simple man who made his way in the universe." And FIN.

We can keep a lot of the other craziness--he has his Rancor (i love this part of the story), he deals with corrupt politicians, Peli meets her next boy-toy cause Din (name cameo) suggested her for Boba's use, Black Krrsantan is in the picture, Cad Bane is the big bad who shoots down Vanth (and that final end scene is still there), and so many other ridiculous parts! They could all connect and make sense!

And there can be this theme that is trying to beat Boba over the head about anger. Because we have seen anger so much through the eyes of Jedi--this can really be a new type of accepting and letting things go. More akin to the anger we see constantly simmering and boiling over in Andor but in a more personal way and showing that it doesn't need to be snuffed out but honed (controlled). It can be why Boba seems so mild at times, it's because he is learning about who he is to be, but then is able to show us the (fan) Boba that was so popular is still there--he's just someone who is trying to fill a role he thinks he has to completely change for.

#star wars #the mandalorian #the book of boba fett #boba fett #writing #my own little vent cause this show deserved better #and it could've been better with some changes and nO DIN

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sumarak · 10 months

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with Max being recast I can't help but imagine what Max's relationship to his culture would be like.

'cause in "Culture Day" there was that offhand bit about how he doesn't put a lot of effort into his presentation (tbh to me it came off as the writers admitting they don't put in effort when it comes to his culture) but then in "Order of the Sparrow" he clearly has some insight into cultural clothing?

and the thing is, his parents are canonically neglectful so it would make sense if he didn't know a whole lot about his heritage, but that could also be explored? like does Max want to learn more? is he angry that his parents didn't care enough to pass this down? could his interest in his culture and his determination to never seem "too passionate" about something come into conflict? maybe he could be afraid to show passion for learning abt it because he's scared he'll be reduced to his interests like some other kids at camp ("I don't wanna become like SPACE kid! you literally call him by what camp he's in!")? like I think there are a lot of interesting ways they can take it. IF they do it.

also, I'm reading Zachary Ying and the Dragon Emperor by Xiran Jay Xhao and a key part of Zach's characterization is that even though his mom is from mainland China he doesn't know much about the language or history (at the start of the book) 'cause his mom wanted him to assimilate so she never taught him. and it kinda reminds me of Max a little. from "Camp Cool Kidz" we know Max's parents are the ones that moved to the US and not any generation before so there's a possibility that his parents also NAMED him Max in hopes he'll just assimilate on his own without needed effort on their part + a possibility of being disconnected from extended family? like maybe Max doesn't know any relative he can even ask about this 'cause his parents are the first in the family who moved away? idk, I guess I'm just interested in how Max views that aspect of his upbringing. I wish Max's culture and the complicated relationship he might have with it were handled with as much dignity as Neil's in "Culture Day".

#and this goes without saying but if they ever decide to address this they better hire a writer who is qualified to write abt this #max camp camp #camp camp #rooster teeth

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ina-nis · 5 months

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I have not written much this month or lately at all because journaling is not as helpful anymore for these issues I'm facing. Being stuck in my head is the last thing I need to address disconnection. The other piece is the fact that I likely do not fit in the criteria for personality disorders at all anymore.

That would mean... I either have reached remission from AvPD or I never had a personality disorder in the first place (and CPTSD was the culprit all along, since that disorder tends to mimic others). I think the latter is more likely and I'm thankful for "getting better" because PDs are horrible to deal with.

I'm still not sure if my overall detachment, disconnection and "dissociation" have to do with avoidance or something else though... regardless, I've been trying to keep on going, trying to push through it and, quite literally, trying to do things however possible.

Being in a place where I can say I have a self-esteem also helped me make that separation, by not seeing myself and my behaviours as something "disordered" and more like... they are responses to stimuli, trauma, socialization and so on.

I think a huge part of the "acceptance" piece I'm trying to achieve is sitting with this discomfort, with this pain, with the loneliness... and feeling it.

It fucking sucks, but I feel like it sucks less than trying to fight and suppress it.

For a long time, I've been scared of "stopping" because, in my mind, that meant "giving up."

Well, I was mistaken.

Every single thing I do outside the realm of loneliness and the pain it causes me, is resistance, is me not giving up. I guess I just didn't have in mind to see it so broadly, but it comes with being stuck overanalyzing my... everything.

A huge part of the "acceptance" piece is understanding that, even when loneliness have been my reality for as long as I've been alive (and most likely will remain a reality), I can still have goals, passions and even meaningful connections, I can still have a good life and the fact that I've been trying to give my life meaning every day also means another fear of mine will likely not ever come true: I'll not become bitter or miserable when I go through lengths to cultivate compassion and gentleness towards myself.

In the end of the day, I guess one of the many meanings "acceptance" has, in this context, is to be able to live in suffering while still trying to improve whatever else you can improve. Yes, these other things will not alleviate the pain because they will not address it, and yet, these are things that make me happy and satisfied, etc.

I guess I wasn't sure how to move forward from here, but I've been doing it already without even realizing it.

This is not the answer I wanted or the resolution I wish I had gotten but it's something I can do on my own.

The problem of addressing a social issue individually still remains. The same with healing relationship trauma and attachment wounds - there's only so much work I can do by myself.

The problem of not having positive long-lasting close connections also remains - even though I've made a lot of close friends, they all love me platonically and I just... try to not think about it and love them back however they allow me to. It's unsatisfying, frustrating and triggering for me, since it doesn't meet my needs, but it is a compromise I decided to reach to maintain my friends.

The self-esteem bit helps with all those resentment issues I used to have because now I can look at these relationships and not take it so personally anymore. Wow yeah this fucking sucks and it's not working for me but what am I supposed to do? Lash at people, cut them off again? Will that address anything? Will that help?

No. And it doesn't get me any closer from what I want either but... that's how it is. Crying or getting angry over it won't change anything so I guess it's just better to focus my energy elsewhere (this is a bit of the detachment/disconnection piece though, or so I wonder).

I can only try to live authentically and hope that will be enough to draw the right people to me, all the while I keep seeking people, getting rejected, and moving on.

I'm doing all the right things already and I know better than to lower my standards and just accept anything. I'd rather be alone, so I'm doing that.

Realizing that most people around you are not doing the work is frustrating enough - they will never be a "good fit" for me because, yes, these are the people I have outgrown. This is all I can find out there and it is really discouraging (together with all the other factors that make something difficult nearly impossible).

This is exactly why I need to be alright (as much as possible) with living with this pain.

For some, they will live with the pain of hopping from connection to connection "because it better than being alone," for some other, like me, it's better to be alone than dealing with the pain of rejection and loss, among other things.

This all is not to say that I'm closing my heart and gave up on dating or making friends... more like, being very realistic about my expectations and possibilities and trying to not let that wear me down too much.

I didn't need to stop loving others, I didn't even need to stop loving others romantically (yes, my friends and whoever else). I love more than ever, I love shamelessly because I thrive in love.

"My feelings are not a mistake" is exactly it.

Love is not the source of my pain, it's one source of happiness, of many others I have.

Similarly, loneliness and disconnection are some of issues that hurt me and don't have any easy way to be addressed, unfortunately. Considering I'm already doing everything in my power, the rest is probably a matter of time and luck.

I wonder what the future will bring and I look forward to being able to withstand this much suffering with softness and in love.

#avpd #avoidance #avoidant #avoidant personality disorder #loneliness #romantic love #inanis post

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howtobecomeadragon · 2 years

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Putting Mike and Will's friendship in s2 in the same scenario (with plot and character tweaks) that Mike and El's relationship went through in s4

Setting the scene and establishing the parallel: S1: Will and Mike started out close, were separated, Will went through significant trauma in the UD. Will and Mike reunite at the end of the season and things appear to be fine. S3: El and Mike started out close, split up, and El went through significant trauma in losing Hopper and her powers. Mike and El reunite at the end of the season and things appear to be fine.

S2 rolls around

Mike and Will are friends but there's some strain there, mostly due to the distance between them emotionally: Will is different from the trauma. Will lies to Mike about being okay after s1, and is hiding how he's dealing with his trauma and gets to a boiling point of acting out as he's being bullied for being Zombie Boy. It's Halloween night, those boys pop out and call him Zombie Boy, and instead of falling down, Will fights back, screaming at them and punches one of them in the face, breaking their nose. Mike finds out and he's shocked at Will's reaction, and their conversation devolves to how much they're out of sync since Will came back from the UD. Mike doesn't apologize or acknowledge that he's not being understanding about how Will is struggling. Will is feeling alienated from their friendship. Will brushes off how Mike has been bullied in the past, even though the audience knows Mike was bullied right off a cliff last season.

When Will is possessed and is dealing with that trauma, Mike is paired up for most of the season with his other best friend, Lucas. Will deals with his possession mostly independently, with Joyce. Mike reconnects at long last with Lucas after their big blowout fight that they had in s1 about El. Lucas and Mike talk about Will and how Mike feels weird about their fights and how disconnected they are and how he doesn't think Will needs him as a support anymore. He knows Will is a strong kid and wonders if Will is moving on from him. Lucas tells him that no, Will does still really need him and their friendship means a lot to Will. Mike has a ton of different facial expressions throughout their talk, but it's obvious that he definitely likes the cool slingshot that Lucas gives him as a gift. They're bff's. 😊

Later on in the shed scene, Joyce and Jonathan and Lucas all try to help Will, sharing happy memories with him but Mike stays quiet until Lucas speaks up ("Mike, he needs you, remember?"). Mike seems hesitant at first, but then shares that they'd been fighting because he was scared of losing Will after everything from s1, that he doesn't think Will is a Zombie Boy, that he remembers the first day that they met, and that he thinks that it's amazing how Will survived in the UD ("you were able to stay alive, you outran the demogorgan every time!"). Some of what he says seems like lies when you parse it out.

After they get rid of the Mind Flayer, we learn that Will and Mike are still on rocky terms with their friendship. Will doesn't want to be babied and feels that Mike did it anyway in the shed, or maybe Will doesn't want to be spoken to about the shitty nickname Zombie Boy like that, or about his trauma so casually. It's not entirely clear why he's mad at Mike, but it's obvious that they're not really talking. Will got rid of the Mind Flayer, but he's still not sure where he belongs in the party anymore, and the camera reflects that: he's shown to be standing away from the party, maybe paired up with his mom and Jonathan. He's still angry, at Mike, at his bullies, at the Mind Flayer. Still feels alienated.

Mike at the end of the season is still shown hanging out with Lucas. They talk more about Will, hoping he's okay, and maybe they go practice using their slingshots together.

---

How would we be feeling about Mike and Will's friendship going into s3?? Not good. I'd be ready for a friendship split. I'd be pissed at Mike, feeling sympathetic for Will. I'd be eager to explore exactly what the disconnect is between them and why Mike is being so avoidant, so callous, so uncommunicative. I'd want to see what Will wants after being treated badly all season. I would not expect things were entirely patched up and that that was their happy friendship resolution.

And of course, in shows, friend breakups don't usually happen this subtly and slowly, but romantic breakups often do.

#byler

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knoxs2nd · 8 months

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kinzo/bice and tohya/ikuko are foils, as filtered through yasu's eyes

starting this off with an assertion that yasu's ideal relationship is kinzo/bice.

she identifies with kinzo: how he went through the motions to do what was expected of him, how he didn't fight against his fate. kinzo was waiting to die but too cowardly to do it himself. he was empty inside and disconnected from his world. then he meets bice, the one person who connected with him, not because of his status, but based on shared interests and camaraderie. kinzo/bice create a universe of two, figuratively and literally. they save each other, run away together, and literally spend the rest of bice's life hidden away and secluded together with just the two of them, happy with their escape from the cruel outside world and its obligations (kinzo)/dangers (bice). kinzo remembers it as the happiest time of his life. and so yasu, who's a kinzo-kin, wants that for herself, and it helps shape her idea of the ideal relationship: a universe of two.

now, onto tohya/ikuko! if yasu's narrative predecessor (kinzo) got the fairytale relationship she dreamed of and aspired to make come true, then her narrative successor (tohya) gets her dream passed down by pure chance...but is it really as idealized as she dreamed of?

because yeah, tohya/ikuko bond over sharing the same interests and can talk as friends! and yeah, they're secluded. no one even knows tohya exists, for the matter. they're free from any obligation to the outside world and don't have to interact with any sort of cruel society. tohya and ikuko only interact with the outside world on their own terms, through the anonymity of the internet, and later as famous authors who can use their wealth to obscure themselves through pen names, agents, etc. they really have created their own single universe. they even choose to share a single identity instead of "splitting" their identities like yasu did.

but. are tohya and ikuko really happy like this? tohya can't just let go of who he was before he met ikuko, no matter how much he wants to. he's not like bice, who was "happy" (we don't even know that for sure, considering that kinzo is an unreliable narrator) going from a wealthy, privileged, worldly life, experiencing severe trauma, then becoming a hermit with a close friend. tohya even has a whole new name but it doesn't change that the trauma follows him. tohya experiences so much guilt for trying to let go of his past, for not reaching out to ange, for trying to protect his new sense of identity as the person who's a mystery novel writing hermit. in short, this isn't some idyllic life for him. and even ikuko, who genuinely likes being a recluse and brought tohya into that life, realizes this isolation isn't it, and maybe they have to break this little bubble of theirs (she does not go about it in the best way: i talk about it a bit here.)

in conclusion, what i'm saying for tohya/ikuko is that the isolated "universe of two" did not cut it. they both suffered, because you can't just cut all ties to the outside world and expect things to be all hunky-dory and you'll live happily ever after, free from sadness and pain.

what brings tohya salvation is reaching out to yukari at the end, breaking his own shell to communicate honestly with someone from his outside world. even if he's not guaranteed a perfect, accepting response, even if she gets justifiably angry, even if he's scared - like tohya says, he should have done it a long time ago

anyway, i'm going to end off with this screencap. because battler Got It. not a secluded universe of two, untethered to the rest of the world. but a relationship where you will experience the world together. that's living.

#character: kinzo #character: bice #character: tohya #character: ikuko #character: yasu #favorite

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csa-survivor-confessions · 8 months

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does it get better? does the hurting go down? can i stop feeling dirty?

Hello,

It can get better, you can lessen the intensity of the pain, and you can change your hurtful beliefs about yourself.

I don't believe that time heals all wounds by itself. Time just passes it doesn't have a definitive effect. But all survivors can use that time to make their life better.

No abuse survivor is responsible for the harm that was done to them through abuse. We don't control how our brain and body were affected by the trauma. But we do have the power to change where we go from here! You have that power.

You can move from just surviving to living. You can feel, sad, scared, angry, frustrated, lost, and overwhelmed going through those emotions will happen, and there is nothing wrong with that. You will also feel excited, happy, peaceful, creative, engaged, and comfortable. Loving others and being loved in return is possible.

Learning to reframe and see ourselves with neutrality can be done and we can change that.

You are capable and worthy of getting to a better place in life. It's not easy, it can take time and energy. But it's possible I promise.

Uner the read ore is some things that might help you start your healing journey.

Starting with psychoeducation and learning some of the basic coping skills can be useful.

The psychoeducational portion can help us make sense of what's going on with us. It can help us feel more in control and give us the foundation to heal, as well as help us understand why coping skills might work. It can also make us feel less like we are "going crazy". I suggest against binge-reading these or anything else. Take your time going through these articles and any other information you want to learn about.

Informational Article: Being Our Whole Selves Brain & Body

Informational Article: Define Trauma

Informational Article: Hyperarousal & Hypoarousal

Informational Article: Implicit Memories and Memory Systems

Diagnosis Primer: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Basic coping skills might seem stupid or a “not everyone is neurotypical Karen” type of information. And there is truth in that, not all coping skills are going to work for you. But that doesn’t mean no coping skills will work for you. It’s also annoying but true that it takes using a skill for some time before it will have full efficacy. And that's okay! It’s also important to use coping skills during minor upsets to make the skills muscle memory during serious stress.

Coping Skills: Ditching Value Judgments

Coping Skills: Emotional Flashbacks

Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation

Coping Skills Masterposts: Self-Care

Drawing, music, narrative writing, painting, poetry and many other artistic expressions are super important. It’s mentioned in some of the above articles but this is important in connecting with ourselves and dealing with overwhelming emotions. It can also be useful to externalize our feelings when we do not have words. Not having words for our experiences can be super common for trauma survivors. Art is great for dealing with that. It also just feels good to create things and exercise our creativity. Don’t limit yourself to only expressing emotions we know are trauma-based, but any emotions you are dealing with. Remember you never have to share this art with anyone unless you want to. There isn’t a judge or a customer to please, it can be just for you.

It’s mentioned in some of the linked articles, but connecting with our body is very important. Skills like body scanning, PMR, and engaging in practices like Yoga or martial arts practices Ti-Chi are great for this. Making a regular practice of this can help break through the way we feel disconnected and antagonistic with our bodies. If you have access, massage can be helpful as well other bodywork can be useful as well. Also, having a toolbox of other coping skills for panic/flashbacks/general stress is a good idea, some bodywork can be triggering.

Working with self-forgiveness can be very powerful in breaking down negative core beliefs. Meaning the ideas we hold about ourselves fundamentally and the outer world. Starting with negative self-beliefs can be done very powerfully by working with your inner child. (This is not referring to child alters/parts in DID but a concept of viewing the hurts and needs we carry since childhood)

One way to start this is when you find yourself judging yourself negatively, like believing you are dirty, to imagine what you would say to a young child who is telling you they are disgusting for being abused. This can start to break down the snap judgments and ruminations you carry.

Another important way is to give yourself time to play! Letting yourself get some enjoyment without judgment can help the parts of you still experiencing the world as a child does not feel as trapped.

Imagine a visual depiction (if something your mind does) of a child and speak to this child (either imagine it but you can also speak out loud) with love and kindness. Even hugging yourself can be useful here to help you start to carry compassion for yourself.

Talking to someone you trust about your struggles can be very healing. And if you are not ready to talk about abuse directly, just trying to form close relationships is important. Humans are relational beings and having someone who we can connect with is super important. Being in the same space as another person can help regulate our nervous systems all by itself without talking. And having someone to listen to when we are struggling is important.

Relationships can be of any kind and any level of intimacy you are comfortable with. I'm not saying you have to have "BFFs" or any sort of romantic relationship. Just that human connection is good for us.

Therapy can be useful for some people. Not everyone has access to this but if it’s something you want to try there are different forms of therapy. It can be good to look into it and see if there is something that might be useful to you that’s not general talk or CBT therapy. When looking for a therapist you can look at their page for what their specialities and modalities are. You can also call and ask what kinds of therapy they do.

Hopefully, some of this helps

#ask #advice #info #childhood trauma #trauma #trauma recovery #resources

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palebluenoblesse · 1 year

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some rambles about my project sekai swap unit, moonbeam arcadia!

crossposted from my twitter ... but i also wanted to post something here!!

moonbeam arcadia consists of mafuyu, ichika, toya, and haruka. in this universe, ichika never got the chance to reconnect with honami and shiho despite her and saki's best efforts (this is also mainly why saki decided to team up with emu in momoiro parfaits (another swap unit) og duo.) she becomes more and more disconnected from her peers, only focusing on her schoolwork and saki (occasionally). she still makes music and listens to miku in her free time, though. mafuyu stays the same. haruka after suffering from severe stage fright decides to quit being an idol and her fear starts developing even further, slowly but surely becoming agoraphobia. even when she met minori, haruka felt like she could never be seen as a proper idol in the eyes of her fans and her friends again. haruka turned to making music and uploading it to a nightcord music server anonymously to help her speak the things she's too scared to say. toya has the same story, but he never got the support and validation that vbs and akito gave him. coincidentally, ichika (1) owned the nightcord music server that all of the other members were in. ichika really liked haruka's (penguin) usage of vocaloids in her songs, so she invited haruka to make songs with her and teach her how to tune miku. touya (bluewillow) also enjoyed haruka and ichikas music and started making piano covers of the songs, drawing the others' attention. at the same time, mafuyu (yuki) was also making songs of her own and uploading them, and ichika (1) also invited her to the music circle (in a separate server. ichikas server name was also something miku related because i have to keep the girlflop in there. they make electropop music and the starter vocaloids are kaito and miku. their sekai is an underground metro station. there are shops littered around it, and you can get on the train to travel to another station. if you take the second train and drop by the 3rd station, the 4th shop to your right is a shop that sells your memories. a bottle of moonlight from that night, all the pens you've lent someone but never got back. and the cashier is no other than yourself, or rather, another version of yourself. ichika sees herself in the main storyline where they formed leo/need, toya sees himself in the main storyline where they formed VBS and haruka sees herself in the main storyline where they formed MMJ. mafuyu sees her past self. there's also a ramen shop and ice cream shop as well as vending machines. and a 7/11. and everything and anything you need. miku is laid-back and doesn't talk much, but she cares a lot for moonbeam arcadia's members and tries her best to help them. her hair is its original color but fades to dark blue at the ends. she has headphones that light up whenever she uses them (gamer headphones) and a tetris t-piece hairclip (don't ask). she wears an oversized jacket over a black crop top and loose high-waisted jeans. she also wears black converses with a white heartbeat pattern embroidered on top. she can often be found at the station arcade playing tetris 99 or beating the shit out of the maimai machine. she chews gum and has a seemingly endless supply of blueberry gum always on her. kaito wears a sleeveless hoodie and black arm coverings (think: mafuyu zozotown gloves). his hoodie has a little screen on it that changes based on what he's currently feeling (it changes to an angry face when he's pissed, sad face when he's sad, etc.) so even if he tries to lie about his emotions, he can't. his pants have a shit ton of pockets on them and has chains attached (think techwear). he also wears ankle high sneakers. kaito is less expressive than miku but is quick to anger, and any emotion, really. he tries his best to help moonbeam arcadia...but these don't end well sometimes. SOMETIMES. he's trying his best, okay.

miku got headphones for her and kaito but accidentally ordered kaito cat ear headphones and hes too embarrassed to wear them, but he still wears them in secret because as embarrassing as light-up cat ear gamer headphones are, theyre really high quality with good noise canceling. miku has a picture she snapped of him in secret wearing the headphones. he would EXPLODE if the others saw (they have, they're just sworn to secrecy). miku uses the picture as blackmail sometimes to get kaito to buy her free stuff sometimes.

kaito tried to beat miku in tetris 99 once and failed miserably. the only person that has been able to beat miku in tetris is toya and she has sworn herself to beating him someday. mafuyu also plays and is nearly as good as miku, but nowhere as good as toya.

miku tried the "dipping ice cream in ramen" trend once and kaito is trying his best to not get violent. he's shaking and so fucking close to combusting while miku is enjoying the ramen and trying to get ichika to try it. he tries to stop ichika from trying it but doesn't get there quick enough. and to his surprise and devastation, ichika enjoys the ice cream ramen.

once luka arrives at the sekai, she immediately catches air about kaito's cat headphones (somehow.) she proceeds to get him a whole cat set with ears and a tail and everything. like the cyber cat kaito module. kaito is FUMING. face is RED and theres SMOKE coming out of his ears. hes so mad the emotion screen is going to catch on fire with how much it's overheating. kailuka chase ensues through the station.

kaito has started to hide but luka keeps finding him and dragging him back to the main station. every time. he has started to check his clothes for hidden trackers because how the heck can she find him Every Single Time like that.

even more chaos will ensue once meiko appears, or at least that's what kaito thinks. meiko actually manages to calm down luka's shenanigans by occupying her time (thank god.) but kaito has to admit, he misses luka's constant pranking.

#project sekai #colorful stage #proseka #pjsk posting #kailuka #vocaloid #vocaloid miku #hatsune miku #moonbeam arcadia

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi, I would really like reassurance and advice right now.

TW resentment, violent intrusive thoughts, abusive mother (abuse not detailed), PTSD symptoms?

I moved back home, and even though my mom hasn’t been too bad lately, I am so on edge around her. To be honest I have a lot of anger and resentment toward her, and I keep finding myself thinking things like “fucking die already” when she’s around me, and sometimes I have thoughts of acting really violently toward her. I have never been a violent person. These thoughts are disturbing to me.

I’m really angry in general lately tbh. I don’t think I’ve been taking it out on anyone. I hope I haven’t. I’m actively trying not to. I just keep finding myself stewing on stuff I’m mad about, whether it’s my upbringing or the state of the world or bad and unfair things that have happened to people I care about. I get overwhelmingly angry when I think about any of it. I think all this anger has something to do with being back home. Being back here is triggering for me. There are a lot of horrible memories associated with the house I grew up in. I know being here is bad for me.

I’m also a lot jumpier since I moved back in. I startle so easily. I’ve been easily startled for almost as long as I remember, but it’s definitely worse lately.

And I’m noticing myself having more and more bouts of derealization lately, where the world around me feels foggy and surreal and I feel totally disconnected from it.

I was diagnosed with PTSD last year. Im wondering if what I’m experiencing right now is PTSD symptoms flaring up from being in a triggering environment.

Tbh what I want more than anything is reassurance that I’m not a bad person for any of it. Im scared that because I’m feeling so much anger and because I’m having a lot of really mean and even violent thoughts that I’m no better than my abuser

Hi anon,

I think it makes sense that you're feeling the ways you are right now. To my understanding, you're in a place that has some complicated emotional symbols for you, so it's possible that this has at least something to with why some of these trauma responses are flaring up right now.

Please know that you're not alone. Being home triggers my dissociation. I talked to a therapist about it and she recommended rearranging the furniture. Granted I haven't done this yet because I'm away from home again, but it sounds like a great idea (for me, maybe for you too) because the primary issue for me was that everything is exactly how it was when these memories formed, so it becomes hard to stay grounded in the present moment and not feel like I am actually younger than I am. So if any of this resonates with you, then it may be worthwhile to rearrange a room you spend the most time in (maybe with the consent or help of your mom), even if just slightly.

I think it may be helpful for you to view anger as a defense mechanism. These triggers may be causing you to feel as if you have to protect yourself, which can spark anger. It's understandable that you're disturbed by these rather violent thoughts you're having. But there is a difference between having these thoughts and acting on them - having violent thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. Being simply angry doesn't make you a bad person either. It sounds like there's actually a big difference between you and your abuser.

It can be hard to manage these symptoms when you're in a triggering environment, as that can disrupt attempts to cope. Please remember to try your best to take care of yourself during this time, practice self-care, and try to be gentile and patient with yourself as you're going through this.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse

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bonesandthebees · 2 years

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I’m going to skip to the Quackity thing now because in a chapter full of interesting things. And I mean full. Like all of it is super intriguing. This one wins the top spot. Like, he disconnects from a call (presumably business related) just to tease/insult Wilbur (and Tommy) because they look defeated. Also, Puffy is right there. He’s so cocky.

He’s good at reading people. He knows how to get under Wilbur’s skin and by extension, thinks he knows him too. But Wilbur just went through another emotional rollercoaster. He’s worried about Niki and no one cares about him or his brother. He does not need Quackity in his life. He has made it clear he does no want him either, but in doing so only make himself look more fun to mess with.

And Quackity can’t help himself. He needs to push the buttons. Maybe to title comment stung too of maybe he just doesn’t like royalty in general. Maybe Wilbur is annoying because he’s unpredictable due to being mentally unstable. Or maybe he just thinks he’s powerful enough to get away with it. But everything he says goes straight for the throat.

So Quackity hit Wilbur right where it hurts (with words) and the entire situation escalates instantly because Wilbur is nearing the end of his rope and his self-control is slipping. (Still not slipping enough for him to use his Voice, but we are getting there. It really is his last resort for life or death situations and they can’t push him that far. Yet. It’s still Chekhov's gun).

We don’t see Quackity’s reaction. I don’t know if he was surprised or scared or instantly angry. But he did not expect it. And in the time it take Puffy to pull Wilbur of he definitely gets anger. Quackity is impulsive too. So he escalates the situation further by hitting Wilbur when he had no reason too. In turn activating Tommy’s protectiveness because he had to watch people debate whether or not to kill his brother helplessly and he will never let anyone hurt or threaten him again. (which is probably the reason Tommy wants to learn to fight because ‘Wilbur doesn’t do violence’)

So Tommy shoves Quackity away from Wilbur similarly to went Techno threatened him and Tommy gets between them. And now puffy has to restrain him because out of all of them Tommy is probably the biggest threat since Techno taught him how to fight. (and she doesn’t know about the Voice. And that’s how Phil and Techno find them because they were probably being loud.

1/2

-🌲

HAHA THE QUACKITY PART MY FAVORITE PART OF THE CHAPTER

Quackity is literally such a cocky bastard. He's not necessarily trying to be a dick because he has any personal beef with Wilbur, he just thinks it's fun to rile him up. also, he wants to know why Phil took in these two random kids from Eldingvegr. like politically he gets it, but he doesn't get why Phil wouldn't just kill them instead of negotiating with them, so he wants to find out what they're both like to see why Phil is so interested. and the way he does that is by figuring out what makes people tick. (also, yeah, he's not a fan of royalty in general either)

to be fair, Quackity didn't realize just how hard his comment would hit. he didn't know what went down in the throne room right before he saw them. it was unfortunately him trying to make a casual barb that hit way too close to home because of how raw Wilbur was from the call with Themis.

Quackity was both freaked out and pissed as hell that Wilbur slammed him into the wall like that. he didn't expect that out of a royal, and also he doesn't have a very good reaction to physical violence. so yeah once Puffy pulls Wilbur off, Quackity sees red and doesn't think of anything else except making it clear that Wilbur can't touch him again. so he punches him, and Tommy starts freaking out because no matter how much they fight, Tommy is always going to try and protect his brother. Wilbur isn't the violent one, so if someone physically harms him? Tommy will try fuck them up.

lmao yup Puffy immediately ditches Wilbur to restrain Tommy because she knows Tommy could actually kick Quackity's ass if he wanted thanks to Techno's training. Quackity can throw a punch, but he's not much of a fighter. and then Phil and Techno just walk in like that guy with the pizza meme walking into the room on fire

#ask #spruce anon #the stars and their children

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rezdragon · 7 months

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On that note, I'm gonna talk about something weird.

Up until recently, I didn't think I loved music as much as my peers did because I didn't own copious amounts of music. I think in total, as far as song I actively listen to, I would say my library of music has about 600 or so songs in it as of right now. That sometimes changes, but it averages around there.

It wasn't until I heard someone much younger than me say that they used to argue with their friends over who had the most music. They told me they had 5,000 songs on their Spotify playlist and it was then that I felt very disconnected to the idea of having "the most music."

Music, to me, is a connection. For example, my bf started getting into Nine Inch Nails in 2017, and I didn't follow suit until 2018 because I didn't connect with the music until then. One day, I was feeling really down, and I wanted to listen to Everyday is Exactly the Same, and then I had the connection and I fell down a massive rabbit hole of getting into NIN. Recently, the band I've been getting into has been Tears for Fears because I had a very emotional moment while listening to Shout on a drive home from... uh, let's just say "the hospital."

Music traps memories and emotions inside of it. fun. still takes me back to my tumblr popularity days in 2013. Fitz and the Tantrums takes me back to being frustrated in the Dairy section while working at Walmart. Bleachers (Gone Now Bleachers) takes me back to the concert I went to in 2017. Wolfgun lifts me up to space, Eminem lets me be angry, and Nine Inch Nails lets me be depressed. Twenty One Pilots (nothing past Blurryface I'm afraid) is that small scared child in me that needs comfort sometimes.

Music is so fucking important to me, and that's why just trying to catch as much as I can doesn't sit well with me. I want to work up to those giant numbers organically, because music makes me feel, and I want to feel each and every song, artist, album at my own pace. It's kinda why I've never personally touched Spotify because yeah, it could show me new music every day, but I won't get to spend time with that music before it shoves something new in my face. It's kinda like forcing me to eat another meal when I'm not ready to, y'know?

idk, maybe I'm just weird and emotional. Music is important to me for emotional reasons. I've had a lot of times in my life where I had nothing to hold onto but a silly pop song, but god damn did that silly pop song help me pull through.

#personal #rez talks about music #i just wanna listen to music now but alas i should go to bed

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dragon-tamer-1 · 3 years

Text

Flighteningverse

Tempest!Error and Spectrum!Ink

(Art by @kotikaleo, who I commissioned for this absolutely gorgeous artwork)

Tempest!Error

- His strings can be charged with electricity, both as he's using them and after already catching an enemy. He's immune to his own electricity, but can still be shocked with other forms of electricity. Lightning bolts are actually like power boosts for him.

- He has an aura that makes the air around him charged, if you have hair and you're near him, your hair will stand on end. It's kinda static-y and there is a small buzz that, if you were to be in physical contact, would be like a small vibration that you can barely feel.

- He's very confident in himself, and is usually quiet. He really likes flying, it always puts him at peace, except if he has to fight mid-air.

- Has haphephobia, but it isn't too severe, just can't handle touch for too long. Small amounts of contact is okay, but slightly uncomfortable.

- Is actually the fastest flyer out of everyone. He can fly as fast as a lightning bolt when he's going full speed, though it's only in emergencies or when he wants to. Though even at cruising speed he's faster than most.

- If he's really angry, he'll cause a thunderstorm, in which he's more powerful. He will either cause lightning to hit you, or let them hit him for a quick boost in power.

- He can travel through the multiverse by opening portals, the portals look like they're made of electricity. They can zap anyone who touches the edges, except for Tempest.

- Can destroy AU's, and used to do it on a larger scale until he and Spectrum made a deal. He is not allowed to destroy new, young AUs, but is allowed to destroy old, either abandoned AUs or AUs that are falling apart.(I was partially inspired by entity-404's(I think, I vaguely remember seeing a similar headcanon on their blog when I asked for headcanons about Error) headcanon for this one)

- His glitches are mild, but when he's being touched, he gets more. As well as when he's feeling really angry, upset, or scared.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spectrum!Ink

- He can summon Broomie at will, he doesn't need to carry it around on his back all the time(chooses to do so sometimes, anyway). Broomie resembles a watercolor brush, rather than a paintbrush. His attacks are more watery than paint as a result.

- He can calm storms and turn them into light rain/cloudy weather. He leaves a rainbow before he leaves, kinda as a sign to the AU's residents that it's safe to come out. When Tempest causes storms, it's hard to calm those down until he leaves or stops causing them.

- He can travel the multiverse through any source of water, as well. It has to be at least 10% water-based for him to traverse through it, though. (This doesn't apply to humans or any living creature. That'd just be weird/gross. Though he will take the opportunity to burst out of a cucumber if there's one nearby just to mess around with people.)

- Has an aura that feels like a warm sunny day sometimes, and other times it feels like the air does after it rains.

- Is stronger than Tempest, physically, but not by a lot. He never intends to severely hurt him, though.

- Is very playful most of the time. You can expect to see him either flying around in the sky/near the ceiling of the Underground(depending on the AU), or maybe painting the landscape. He gets serious when it's called for, though.

- Flying is really fun for him. He occasionally tries racing with Tempest, and is only slightly salty about not winning.

- He has a SOUL, but is disconnected from his feelings due to his SOUL being faded. He has his paints that help him feel his emotions. He can rarely feel natural emotions, though not in high amounts.

- When he found out his feathers can shine rainbows in the right lighting, he was super excited, one of the few times his natural emotions managed to shine through. He then experimented to find out the best angle that makes his feathers shine brighter.

- Memory is pretty bad still. Writes on his scarf important details he wants/needs to remember. Sometimes just writes down random things, though.

- Helps AUs form, but isn't the one who creates them. The Creators create them, but Spectrum isn't aware of them.

- His part of the deal with Tempest is that he can help the new AUs form and help reform AUs that seem determined to exist(or that the Creators want to keep around). But he can't try to save the AUs that are abandoned or falling apart.

- His eyelight that has the snowflake changes to a symbol for the other seasons: 🌸= Spring(can be different colors and flowers) ☀️= Summer(stays yellow) 🍁= Fall/Autumn(can be different colors and leaves) ❄= Winter(stays white). Only changes depending on the season an AU is in. It's a default snowflake otherwise.

- His other eyelight changes color and shape every time he blinks.

Here's my version of Error and Ink, Tempest and Spectrum. I absolutely love these designs, and I can't stop staring at them sometimes.

@jann-the-bean @kotikaleo @thevoidismyhome2000 Here they are!

Original Error belongs to @loverofpiggies

Original Ink belongs to @myebi/@comyet

Tempest!Error and Spectrum!Ink belong to me

Backstory

Dispirited!Dream

Sanguine!Nightmare

Other Info

Lushia(Flighteningverse!Lust)'s ref

Flighteningverse Cross's ref

Flighteningverse Horror, Dust, and Killer's ref

Flighteningverse: How wings are formed on outcodes

FV!Horror, FV!Dust, and FV!Killer's refs

Radical!Fresh's ref

Fracture!Geno's ref

FV!Reaper's ref

#other's art #my writing #ref #tempest!error #spectrum!ink #flighteningverse

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love101imagines · 4 years

Text

One thing left to try

request: Could you pls write a fic with sinan? Using prompts 13,15,22,29 and 34 from the first list. I thought of maybe At a party y/n needs Sinan's help, so that Burak stops chasing her, so he pretends to be her partner, when Burak doesn't leave her alone, Sinan starts a fight. Thanks!

tag list: @peraltwolf @zaynlikfalls @wwafangirld

prompts used: 13. Don't look at me like that. 15. Just pretend to be my date. 22. You're not my friend anymore, remember? 29. Where did you get those bruises? 34. I'm used to it, don't worry.

"Işik, are you sure you're ready for a high school party?" You asked slowly, your arm wrapped around the blonde girl who held tightly her purse.

Eda next to you chuckled. "You're ready for alcohol? And for people making out with each other? And the smell of cigarettes everywhere?"

"There's nothing to worry about." Isik cut you both off shaking her head. "I'm only here because Osman asked us to come. And nothing bad will happen, they're our classmates."

Eda shrugged. "I'm here for the free booze."

You rolled your eyes with a smile, fixing a bit your skirt while you reached the house where the party was taking place.

"Should we wait for the guys?" You asked glancing at all the cars that were parked in almost the whole block, internally hoping to see one boy in particular.

You stood on your tiptoes trying to recognize any of them, already knowing that Kerem was coming with Osman with his own car.

"Nah." Eda brushed it off. "I bet Sinan isn't even coming, and it's already crowded inside."

You were slightly discouraged. You didn’t want one boy to control your whole mood without truly knowing, but you couldn’t avoid feeling that way towards him. You two had been friends for a while before you got closer with the whole expulsion thing. The girls already knew about your feelings for Sinan, but you wouldn’t risk ruining one of your friendships only because of a crush.

"Are you sure?" Işik asked a bit worried, but you were already opening the door without knocking.

You three were instantly greeted by loud music and people everywhere. The walls seemed to shake from the heavy bass blasting through the speakers, hurting your ears but you tried not to mind.

You turned to Işik with a smile. "So? What do you think?"

She opened her mouth to speak, with no words coming out as she looked around the house. You chuckled lightly. "Anyway, I'll grab something to drink. What do you want?"

"A soda, please."

"Beer. We'll...walk around until the boys show up, okay?" Eda said over the music.

You nodded before walking away, greeting a few people and trying not to bump into the many couples who were shoved up against the wall making out or the kids who were too drunk to properly walk.

“You’re no fun, (Y/N).” Eda complained with a huff.

You only took a sip of your soda. "I'm plenty of fun, in fact, I...oh shit."

Before you could notice that Işik was waving at the guys who had just arrived to come over at your place near the kitchen counter, you had already left the room trying not to run into Burak.

You two had talked a few times because you were in the same school year, but since Eda had turned him down, he seemed to be keen on going on a date with you. You wanted to avoid confrontation the best you could, already knowing that when the whole thing with Eda happened, he hadn't reacted well.

So, that was the reason why you were making your way between the crowd of people with one hand covering your can of soda trying to hide from him. The house was crowded, with almost your whole school inside. You weren't even sure whose birthday it was, only receiving the invitation from Osman who had a few extra, giving the rest to your other friends.

Once you found herself outside in the small garden, you allowed yourself to catch a breath. There were only a few people mingling outside, but a hand on your upper back startled you.

You cursed under your breath, almost spilling your soda. "God, you scared me."

Sinan rolled his eyes with an already opened beer in his hand which didn't surprise you. "You okay? I saw you storm off."

You shrugged. "Yeah, I'm fine. I thought you wouldn't come."

He furrowed his brows slightly. "Why?"

You shrugged, tugging on his arm so you could sit down on the steps leading to the garden, trying your best that your skirt wouldn't ride up. "You hate high school parties."

"What's to like from annoying music and people I can't stand being around?" He asked sarcastically making you chuckle. "I was dreading this, but Osman needed us here." He concluded before taking a long sip of his beer.

You nodded. "Yeah, I can't believe we convinced Işik. But it's not that bad."

He glanced at you, absentmindedly fumbling with his hands while you continued sipping on your soda. "You look nice."

It was no secret around your friends how much Sinan adored you. You were the only one he never snapped at unless he was really angry, but he usually kept his emotions at bay. Everybody noticed how his mood changed around you. Everybody but you, not thinking much about how he always seemed to have a faint smile when you were in the same room or how he truly appreciated that you went out of your way to talk to him at least once every day.

You gave him a side smile. "Thanks." You eyed him up and down, wearing his usual grey shirt, black jeans, and combat boots. "You don't look that bad either."

After a few minutes passed and it started to get cold, he nudged you. "Wanna go back inside?"

"Um..." You trailed off even if you truly wanted to go back with the rest. "I'm fine, you go ahead if you want. I'll catch up with you."

He furrowed his brows. "Are you sure you're fine? You seemed pretty upset before." He doubted for a moment while you looked down at the floor. "If you want to leave, we..."

"No." You interrupted shaking your head.

You certainly didn't want to leave. But you knew you couldn't avoid Burak all night, and if you ran into him you would end up snapping at him.

An idea popped into your head, remembering how Burak had left Eda alone when Kerem faked being his boyfriend. "I mean...can you do me a favor?"

It was risky to ask him, but Kerem was already dating Eda and Osman was busy with his business, the main reason why you all were there. And it was only a simple favor, you could hide your true feelings like you had the past weeks.

He shrugged, taking another sip of his beer. "What?"

You gave him a grin trying to convince him to follow your plan. "Can you pretend to be my boyfriend? Please."

He almost choked on his beer, coughing a bit while looking at you with utter confusion. "What the hell?"

"Burak has been annoying me all week and this is the only way he'll leave me alone. Please, Sinan. Just pretend to be my date." You continued, giving him your softest puppy eyes.

He scoffed, looking away to avoid your look. "Don't look at me like that." He mumbled.

"Like what?" You played dumb, continuing looking at him like that so he'd give in.

"Like you've never broken a plate in your whole life." He replied sarcastically. "Why don't you just tell him to fuck off?"

You rolled your eyes. "I've already tried to. Come on, it's only one night. I would do the same for you." You practically begged him.

You expected him to get up and leave, saying that your plan was crazy and didn't have any probability of going right. However, after a few seconds, he sighed and gulped down most of his beer, leaving the empty can next to him. "Fine."

While you smiled and mentally cheered, he turned to you. "What do you need me to do?"

"Improvise." You said like it was obvious. "Just um, flirt with me and act like I'm your girlfriend. It can't be that hard."

Noticing that he still seemed unsure of everything and wasn't really sure of what to do, you continued. "Look, from now on, we aren't friends, we're in a relationship. So, just act like I’d believe everything and lie to me."

He thought about it for a few seconds before nodding, getting up from his spot, and extending his hand to help you get up. When Sinan's fingers skimmed over your wrist gently, you rolled your eyes and grabbed his hand tightly.

"You're not my friend anymore, remember?" You teased before dragging him inside the house.

The stares you two received while walking straight to the kitchen were enough to tell you that you had made the right decision. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Burak staring at you intensely ignoring whatever one of his friends was blabbering on about to him. You could feel that Sinan also noticed that, pulling you closer to him by wrapping an arm around your waist. You almost shivered once you felt his cold hand on the small spot of skin just above your skirt, but you didn't think much about the sparks that ignited at the skin on skin contact.

Once you two reached the kitchen, you grabbed a beer and a soda, handing the alcohol beverage to Sinan who quickly downed it while you sat on the counter, your hands still intertwined.

Eda quickly joined you two. "There you are!" She grinned at you, clearly already a bit tipsy. "Aw, you're holding hands, did you tell him?" She gushed to you, loud enough for him to hear.

You chuckled awkwardly, disconnecting your hands while covering the girl's mouth. "Yes, I told him about Burak." You gritted out, already sure that your cheeks had to be red. "You're already wasted, don't do anything I wouldn’t do." You grinned playfully at the boy, receiving a timid smile from him.

"So you guys are dating now." Eda continued leaning against the counter, a smirk on her face. "That's cool."

"I'll take care of her." Sinan offered, already annoyed with her.

After a few seconds, you nodded, leaving your spot on the counter once you noticed Işik nearby, your eyes lighting up. "Işik, let's dance!"

You weren't sure how many hours had passed that you had been dancing with Kerem and Osman, but after a while, your legs ached from twirling around Işik, so you walked away from the living room to the hallway where there weren't many people.

"(Y/N)!"

A voice calling you out made you stop dead in your tracks, turning around with a fake smile plastered on your face even if you were internally gagging.

"Burak, I didn't see you before." You greeted him, continuing to walk towards the kitchen.

He just followed you, making you roll your eyes when he wasn't staring at you. "You look pretty."

"Mhm." Was all you replied, looking through the fridge to find at least a bottle of water, already knowing that if you left Sinan and Eda alone they had downed at least five more beers each one.

"Here, let me help you with that." He offered as you struggled with four bottles of water.

"I'm fine." You cut him off with confidence. "I've got it, and my friends and boyfriend are waiting for me, so..." You trailed off.

Taking to your advantage the fact that he was too shocked to say anything else, you managed to escape, making a beeline to were your friends were standing in a corner of the room.

"Here you go." You said handing a bottle to Işik, Eda, and Sinan. "I figured it would help if you have a migraine." You explained standing next to Sinan.

He nodded, a faint smile on his face as you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Osman left after saying he had to do something, and you soon found yourself alone with the boy again after Işik said she was going to the bathroom and Eda dragged Kerem to dance with her.

You sipped absentmindedly on your water. "Thanks for everything, I owe you one."

He shrugged, clearly not bothered by it but you weren't sure if it was because of his emotionless attitude or something else.

Once you'd finished your water, you turned to him. "Come, let's dance."

"No, (Y/N)." He refused immediately shaking his head.

"Sinan, I'm not going to leave you here alone." You persisted, continuing to pull him by his hand.

He wouldn't budge. "I'm already here, dancing crosses the line."

"You can't only come and drink everything that's alcohol."

"I..."

"Not much of a boyfriend, huh?"

Burak's teasing voice made you stop abruptly, glancing at Sinan who only looked at him with a hard stare.

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't leave (Y/N) alone if she was my girl." He continued.

"Well, she isn't yours." Sinan snapped, trying to appear unbothered by him but with a scowl on his face.

You tugged in his arm. "Sinan, let's leave."

"What are you even doing here?" Burak asked sarcastically. "You hate everybody, I'm sure she convinced you to come. Too bad, who knows what could happen to her here..."

You knew those were just empty threats, so while you scoffed and tried to tug him to leave, Sinan only pushed you behind him slightly, making you release your grip on his arm.

"If you even touch a hair on her head I..." Sinan began with his hands balled into a fist.

"Sinan, please. Just cut it off." You tried to argue.

Nevertheless, you already knew he wouldn't listen. He was furious, his jaw clenched, stormy eyes and sending daggers to the boy in front of him.

Burak only snickered. “Tell me, I want to know.” He taunted, getting right into his face. “What are you going to do about it? You’re just going to let me continue flirting with her?”

You rolled your eyes. “Fuck off.”

“Maybe if you relied more on mental strength instead of muscular strength you would have gotten a chance.” Sinan shot back sarcastically.

Burak shoved him, lifting his fist in the air but before he could even punch him, Sinan tackled him into the ground to punch him. You froze, watching how Sinan’s fist hit Burak over and over again until Burak punched his side, making him lose his breath before he pulled Sinan in a chokehold.

“Stop! Stop it, you guys, stop it!” You tried to move towards them to break them apart, stopping once a pair of arms wrapped around her waist.

“Stay out of it,” Osman advised, his eyes staring sullenly at the fight. “You’re only going to get yourself hurt. Işik, hold her.” He called out.

“What’s going on?” The girl asked confused once Osman handed you to her, going straight at the fight to stop it. “Oh my God.” She mumbled, shock on her eyes.

Kerem and Osman broke them apart along with a few other guys. You only could gasp in surprise once you saw Sinan and his bruised cheekbone, along with the cut on his eyebrow.

“Hey, hey, come here. You’re fine.” You tried to comfort him, looping an arm around his shoulders just like Osman.

You couldn’t help but furrow your brows at how he seemed to wince while you tried to get out of the house as fast as possible, not wanting another fight to happen.

You wouldn’t let him out of your sight, so you continued with your arm wrapped around his shoulders, him not complaining but supporting almost his whole body on you.

“We’re not going to fit in.” Işik pointed out once you reached Kerem’s car.

You knew Sinan would just brush it off and say he was fine, but you wouldn’t allow him. “It’s fine, I um...we’ll take a taxi and stop by a pharmacy first. You should go first.”

Before anyone could complain, Eda, still drunk, chuckled. “You two are so cute together.”

You nodded absentmindedly, trying your best to hold Sinan who seemed to still be catching his breath. “Yeah, go and sleep in the back of the car. Take care of her.”

“We will. You take care of him.” Kerem said before getting into the car.

“Bye.”

“See ya!”

“Goodnight.”

Once they left, you sighed, a bit nervous that the boy hadn’t said a word yet. “Come, let’s sit there.”

You slowly walked towards a bench in front of a park. After a few minutes, you reappeared with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and some cotton balls after rushing to a nearby pharmacy.

“Give me your hands.” Your ordered, feeling something break inside of you while you scanned his knuckles with fresh blood and open wounds scattered across them. “Fuck.”

He only pursed his lips, his brows slightly furrowed as he tried not to show how he truly felt until he couldn’t anymore. While you continued cleaning his knuckles, a shaky cough made you stop.

You raised your brow at him. “Lift your shirt.”

He didn’t have any intentions of doing so, his eyes still staring ahead of him before he coughed again. “Sinan, do it.” You ordered again tugging at the end of his shirt.

The red bruises scattered along his abdomen made your breath hitch in the back of your throat, instantly holding your still cold bottle of water against them. “Where did you get those bruises? Oh my God.”

“When Osman held you and Burak pinned me to the ground.” He explained under your worried gaze. “I’m fine, what about you?”

You scoffed. “You aren’t fine. Drink this.”

You handed him your bottle of water, sighing once you noticed the trace of blood coming from his eyebrow, cleaning with your thumb before it reached his cheekbone.

“I’m sorry you got into a fight because of me.” You said softly, your fingers lingering on the bruise on his cheek.

You cupped his face, Sinan instantly leaning into your touch. He had thought about it before, how it would feel to be this close to you, and now it was happening.

“How was I supposed to keep calm when he said that about you?” He asked, his jaw clenching again as he remembered Burak’s words.

You brushed it off, your thumb stroking his cheek to try to comfort him with a simple gesture. “I’m used to it, don’t worry. I don’t care anymore about what he says, he’s an asshole.”

“God, don’t say that.” He furrowed his brows before swallowing. “You shouldn’t be treated like that by anyone.”

His whole body was tense and his breathing was heavy, so you tried to make him listen to you so he would forget about everything. “Hey, just...focus on me, okay?”

He used all his willpower to nod, to not go right at the house again, and continue beating Burak up. "How was the party? Everything you expected?"

"No." You bluntly stated making him chuckle. "What about you? Did you have the awful time you expected?"

He gave you a side smile. "Not really, but I'm never doing it again."

"What? Faking to be my boyfriend?" You teased rubbing your eyes, too tired to care about your mascara probably now smudged.

When he didn't answer and only stared at you with a different expression you decided to take a leap of faith.

You slowly leaned forward, closing the gap between the two you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling your heart on fire while his mind raced, in disbelief that you were actually kissing him. One of his hands found the back of your head, fingers twisting in your hair as he pushed you closer to him, deepening the kiss. You felt his other hand on your lower back, just where your shirt ended.

After a few seconds, you broke apart first, your forehead leaning against his while you held his hand.

"Oh." You chuckled noticing how Sinan's poor lips were now covered in the red lipstick you were wearing and a bit swollen.

You used your thumb to clean it off, almost not noticing the small smile on his face.

"Let's get a taxi, shouldn't we?" He asked.

You nodded and stood up, the boy's arm around your waist keeping you closer to him. With your heart still beating more than usual, you couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if he had followed his instincts and hadn't come to the party.

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