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saikostories · 3 years

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GOT7 - Career Vs Love (JB)

The second he walked through the bedroom door, you knew something was seriously wrong. It wasn’t that hard to tell, not with the way his jaw was clenched and his posture stiff, his gait like a barely controlled storm. He entered without any greeting, making you jump when he threw the door open with so muchforce that it hit and made a small dent in the wall. “Jaebum?” You called out to him, moving to get up, but the look he sent your way had you sitting back down immediately. You watched, frozen in place, as he flung his duffel bag to some corner in the room, stalked to the bathroom, and slammed that door shut as well, making a few pictures fall. With a sigh you set your laptop to the side, stood from the bed, and walked over to the few frames. The first two weren’t damaged - thankfully - but the third - your favorite unfortunately - was ruined. A couple shards of glass fell to the floor as you carefully picked the picture up. It was of you and Jaebum at Jackson’s birthday party, around the beginning of your relationship, and you’d smiled brightly at one another instead of the camera, like the lovestruck fools you were. Muffled profanities made their way to your ears, breaking you from your thoughts, causing you to frown. What was wrong with him? Was he mad at you? You certainly hoped he wasn’t, but the sharp glare he gave you said otherwise. Maybe it was work? His group had finished another successful world tour not too long ago and were in the last month of comeback promotions; stress could have easily been the reason for his mood. Seeing as how Jaebum was the type of person to find an outlet for his stress nowadays, that in itself didn’t make much sense to you. Under a critical public eye, it usually resulted in his famous “dislocated jaw” and a scream or shout tossed in every once in awhile - the whole flair for dramatic thing; behind closed doors though, he would bboy until he had no energy left. And truth be told, hot, rough sex was quickly becoming one of his favorite stress relievers. Loud bangs in four quick successions got your attention, head snapping up towards the bathroom door with furrowed brows and an even deeper frown. It was a known fact that Jaebum was temperamental - his anger making him like a tornado leaving destruction in its wake - but he’d learned to control it to an extent. He found different ways to deal with his temper so his members would respect and love him, as opposed to fear him. When the two of you started dating, he worked even harder to control it for your sake, never wanting you to see him in that state. But tonight it looked like he finally snapped. You put the frame down and stood. Jaebum was clearly upset by something, and even though you knew he wouldn’t want you to see him until he was calm enough to think rationally, you refused to leave him alone as irate as he was now. Slowly walking to the bathroom, you mentally tried to prepare yourself to deal with this side of Jaebum, because in all honesty, you’d never had to deal with an angry Jaebum. The two of you bickered like an old, married couple over small things all the time: who forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste, the toilet seat, what you two were going to eat on the rare nights he was home, where you were going to eat on those even rarer date nights, and so on and so forth. Just over stupid things with an irritated, not angry, Jaebum. The few times you had actually gotten into heated arguments were usually over jealousy or insecurities but were all unfailingly resolved. Sometimes, they ended in Jaebum leaving before saying or doing something he regretted. Even then he always came home to you, always let you know he was frustrated not angry. “Jaebum?” You knocked on the door. No answer. You knocked again before attempting to open it. To your surprise, it was unlocked, so you opened the door just wide enough for you to slip inside and shut it again. And when you turned around, your eyes widened at the mess in front of you. The noise you’d heard was glass breaking, the mirror smashed, bloody pieces all over the sink and a few on the floor. Your eyes followed a light trail of blood until they rested on Jaebum’s hunched form against the wall. His hair was covering his face, shielding it from your view. His arms were on his knees, hands hanging limply in front of him. His knuckles were swollen and bloody, drops slowly running down his fingers. Grabbing the first towel you saw, you fell to your knees to tend to his injuries. As gently as you could, you cleaned away the blood, only getting up to rinse out the excess before wiping away the rest. Tears clouded your vision when the cuts became visible with the blood gone, but you bit your bottom lip to keep quiet. Bruises, clear as day, were already tainting his skin and you hated it. Working silently, you stood to find peroxide or rubbing alcohol, ointment and band-aids, not noticing how you badly shook while searching the cabinets. And when his hands were finally treated, wrapped in gauze, you held them tenderly in yours, pointer finger tracing invisible designs onto the back of his hand. You were dying to ask him what was wrong, dying to tell him to trust you with his burdens, but the lump in your throat wouldn’t let you speak. One of his hands lifted to your face, slowly as if he was afraid he would scare you away, and he ran his thumb over your bottom lip gently, releasing it from your teeth before it dropped again. You looked up then and met his stare, red, watery eyes already locked on your form. The look in his eyes was blank. Emotionless. Spent. “What happened?” you asked lowly. Tears were welling up in your eyes again, but you held them back. “Talk to me Jae, please.” Jaebum swallowed, opening and closing his mouth severals times, and blinked rapidly; all he could do was shake his head. He was breaking down in front of you, and you had no clue as to why, but you reached out to him anyway. You hugged him to you as best as you could in your position, while Jaebum held onto you like a lifeline. He hid his face in the crook of your neck, and you could feel his tears running down your skin. His body was shivering and with each second, his grip on you got tighter. A broken sob escaped him - the dam breaking - and his cries got louder from there on out - each one tearing you apart. You shifted back slightly before sliding into his lap, wrapping your arms and legs around him. You murmured sweet nothings into his ears, running your hands through his hair, as he quieted down. He whispered something against your collarbone then, and it was so low you thought for a second that you imagined it. But when you tried to pull away to ask, he scrambled to keep his hold on you, tightening his arms around you even more. It was quiet for a few more minutes until he spoke again. “I- I’m n-not their leader anymore.” Silence. Deafening silence. “What?” Your ears were certainly playing tricks on you now. You moved back. “Jaebum, wh-?” “I’m not the leader of GOT7 anymore!” he exploded and pushed you out of his lap, rushing out of the bathroom. You were left paralyzed on the floor in shock. His words replayed in your mind, like a broken record, as you attempted to comprehend them. That couldn’t be true. That could not be true! This was Im Jaebum, the most dedicated, responsible, and hardworking person you’d ever met. There was no way he wasn’t leader anymore. If not him, then who? Who could possibly be more suitable than Jaebum to be leader? Stuttering as you tried to form a coherent thought, you stumbled up and followed him. It had to be some kind of sick, twisted joke and you really wished it was; however, what you saw next told you it wasn’t. He was pacing - back and forth, back and forth - in the bedroom. Ragged breaths escaped him and he kept clawing at his chest as if he couldn’t breathe, as if the air wouldn’t fill his lungs fast enough. And then he fell to his knees as his strength fled him, as he was sapped of all energy. “J-Jaebum.” He looked up, and the look on his face knocked the wind out of you. It was a look of devastation, hopelessness, and utter heartbreak. He looked like his whole world just came crashing down, and he had no clue how to go about picking up the pieces, let alone putting it back together. The anger you felt amounting in your body at the sight - a sight that would forever be ingrained into your mind - was damn near uncontainable and insurmountable. How could they do this to him? He’d give life and limb for GOT7, for JYPE! Were they out of their minds?! His voice was breathless, so faint you almost missed it, when he called out to you. No, it was not the time for your unbridled fury. That you would save for later. Now was the time for Jaebum - focusing on him, helping and healing him. You inhaled and exhaled before closing the gap between the two of you in a matter of seconds, holding him as close to you as physically possible and then some. Jaebum cried into your abdomen, soaking your shirt, but you couldn’t care less. Instead you began to cry silently right along with him, nonetheless trying your damndest to talk to him, to whisper reassurances, when in reality, you didn’t even know what you were assuring him of. To see someone you loved as much as you loved Jaebum - undeniably, irrevocably, unhealthily - in so much agonizing pain was the worst feeling ever. It caused you pain physically, pain that spread throughout your chest and made each breath harder to take. But you knew the pain you were feeling, the pain you felt for him, was nothing compared to the pain that was overwhelming him. You couldn’t even begin to fathom the things he must’ve been thinking. GOT7 was his everything and it must’ve been like his life had come to an abrupt, screeching halt; his career ending; his dreams crushed. Knowing him, he was thinking all these negative things and more. He was probably blaming himself ruthlessly and brutally, forever the leader taking responsibility and the weight of the world on his shoulders. How he’d made it through a whole day at work was beyond you, but you knew it took strength only Im Jaebum had. To see him falling apart like this gave you an inkling as to what his day had been like though, as to just how much he’d endured, and the brave front he must have put on. You cupped his cheeks, trying to turn his face up to you but it was a struggle in and of itself because he wouldn’t let you go. “Jae, baby, look at me.” His eyes reluctantly met yours.

His eyes reluctantly met yours. You cradled his face, his beautiful face stricken with anguish, and kissed everything you could reach: his nose, his eyelids, his lips, his forehead, everything. “I’m so sorry, love. I know it doesn’t do much, it’s not enough, but I am sorry. I’ll be right by your side though, throughout all of this.” You kissed him one final time and he rested his head on your stomach again, holding you close, shuddering with each breath he took as he tried to hold in more tears. And you let him. You didn’t know how long the two of you stayed that way but you did know that you would be there for him as he needed you, however long that may be. When Jaebum finally got up on his own, he refused to meet your eyes, opting to stare at the ground instead. He looked pensive for a moment, like something else was bothering him, then opened his mouth to shut it almost immediately after. “What?” you asked. “Jaebum, what is it?” You waited patiently as he contemplated whether or not he should answer, his lips thinning. He decided against it, shaking his head. Caressing his cheek, you offered what you hoped was a reassuring smile. “Okay. Whenever you want to talk about it, we can.” Resting his forehead against yours, he exhaled heavily and nodded. You knew that it was going to be a long time before he said anything to you about it, about what happened, about why the company made such a damaging decision. “Come on, you need to rest.” You took slow steps forward, guiding him to the bed. The back of his knees hit the mattress and he sat down lifelessly, letting you do all the work as you removed his sweater and sweatpants. Gently tilting his head up, you placed a kiss on his lips, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away to stare into his eyes, those intense eyes that were swimming with unbearable pain. “Everything’s going to be okay,” you promised. But you should have known better than to make promises you couldn’t keep. . . . The next month was irritable, stressful, but mostly tiring for the two of you. The morning after you found out about the company’s decision, Jaebum received a call from his manager as he was about to head to the dorm to meet the other members, telling him that he had the whole day off. Apparently, JYP wanted to see how Mark would handle his responsibilities as newly appointed leader. The clench of Jaebum’s jaw was the only hint you got as to what he felt after the call. His anger had simmered down, but you were able to see it starting to boil under the surface again. He didn’t tell you more than what his manager told him, then he was gone. He disappeared for the entire day - phone, car keys, and wallet left on the nightstand - and showed up right as you were getting ready to call the police. His schedules with GOT7 as a whole had been modified after that to give Mark chances to take on the role of leader. It was as if they were phasing Mark in and Jaebum out. He never complained to you about it, but you knew it was a slap to the face, a blow to his ego, and his pride was severely wounded. When he got those calls from his manager letting him know his schedules had been cancelled or came home early, he would resort to his disappearing act because the anger and hurt was too much for him to handle. JYPE had yet to release an official statement about the situation; instead, they released false statements about Jaebum’s health, exploiting his injury from a few years ago, making claims about visiting specialists and receiving new treatments before returning to his normal schedules. It was a bunch of infuriating bullshit left and right. While the general public wasn’t talking about it, his fans took notice of his continued absences and wanted to know what was going on, reaching out to you through social media. Back when you and Jaebum had first gone public, even looking at your Instagram or Twitter account gave you a headache; nevertheless, you’d since made all your SNS accounts private, following only people you knew and only letting certain people follow you back. Still, it seemed that there were some diehard fans out there who needed to know what was going on with Jaebum, so they tagged you in countless things and mentioned you in their posts. It was hard to ignore. Some of them seemed to accept what JYPE was releasing while others speculated about the truth behind it. A number of them were even guessing that Jaebum was leaving GOT7 to pursue a solo career. There were a few, though, that hit the nail right on the head and it terrified you. So you quickly squashed all over that with a simple tweet, feeding the fans the same lies JYPE was. It made you feel bad to lie to his loyal fans, especially when Jaebum confronted you about meddling instead of ignoring them. He didn’t want to betray their trust; he wanted to tell them the truth when the transition was over, when he was good and ready, when he accepted how things were going to be from now on himself. He was trying to deal with it on his own - which you truly didn’t want - but instead of coddling him - something Jaebum hated more than anything - you devoted every minute you could spare to silently watch over him, putting him back together each time he fell apart, and trying to keep him that way. After the first few times he left the apartment, coming back with bruised knuckles, sweaty and out of breath, you started to follow him. You always kept your distance, intervening when enough was enough, tending to whatever injury he brought upon himself that time and holding him after. And he clung to you, as if he was afraid you’d disappear, with whatever bit of energy he had left. Then you’d both go home, no words exchanged, almost like none of it happened. On those days, that was your routine. As for you, you remained patient with Jaebum, being supportive in every way possible, but you couldn’t help but feel that something was off. Something amiss. There was more to the story, more that Jaebum wasn’t willing to tell you, and it was important. He avoided the topic like the plague so naturally your mind began to wonder: what was the reason Jaebum was no longer GOT7’s leader? Why so suddenly and randomly? What had he done? What hadn’t he done? The more you thought about it, the more it didn’t make sense. Sure, he wasn’t perfect, but he was a great leader! He’d bend over backwards for GOT7, and you refused to believe that he had displeased JYP so much that the man felt the need to replace him as leader. On top of that, the members of GOT7 loved and respected Jaebum so much as their leader that you had a hard time accepting that they were okay with this abrupt change in roles. With Jaebum refusing to speak about the matter, you were left to speculate and worry, mind repeatedly coming up blank. There was more to the story - there had to be. Whatever it was, you were going to find out, consequences be damned. . . . You wanted to say that with time things got better, but they didn’t. Instead, they got much, much worse. JYPE released their statement almost two months later to the public, officially announcing Mark as GOT7’s new leader. They claimed, “After much thought about the future of the group, and discussion between all the members, it has been decided that JB stepping down from the position of leader is the best course of action for GOT7.” You scoffed bitterly upon reading the statement. Though you wanted to fully believe it was a load of bullshit, reading it shed light on some of your previous assumptions. Jaebum’s actions at home versus his interactions with the others of GOT7 made more sense if what the statement said was the truth. If GOT7 all agreed upon him stepping down and letting Mark take over, then of course he would do it; he would do it for the group because GOT7 was extremely important to him. But that didn’t mean he had to like it. So his rage at home, when there weren’t any cameras around, then that staged smile that would never reach his eyes while he was on stage with the boys made sense. It made even more sense with the statements that were released. It still didn’t explain why he had to step down - didn’t give a real reason whatsoever - and you weren’t the only one who noticed. Dispatch, several news outlets, and netizens were having a ball. Rumors were circulating faster than JYPE had a chance to respond to them. It was the buzz everywhere you turned. Why? Why wasn’t he the leader anymore? Why Mark? What was the real reason? You wanted to know more than anyone. Reactions seemed to have been mixed among the fanbase. Some I GOT7s said they would support GOT7 no matter what, some were happy about it, and others were sad or confused about the sudden change up. Fewer than few were bragging that they had guessed correctly about what was going on lately, and that the next step was Jaebum leaving the group. Then there were those who were outright furious, fansites going as far as to start petitions, saesangs attacking Mark and the other members through their social media. You were disgusted to say the least. Mark didn’t deserve the hate, the group didn’t deserve it, but you thought the company deserved every bit of the backlash they were getting. What? Was everyone just supposed to take the news sitting down and be okay with it? Jaebum opted out of their schedules for several days after the news, wanting to stay out of the spotlight. Fans, anti-fans, reporters - they would all bombard him with questions he didn’t want to answer, questions he wasn’t really sure how to answer. His mother called several times, but he refused to speak to her, leaving you to come up with excuses each time you answered in his place. The only members that tried to visit when they could were Jackson and Jinyoung, but he always demanded to know why they were there before ignoring them for the rest of their stay. He even ignored you at times. He kept to himself for the most part really, and when he did come out of the bedroom or his studio, it was to empty the cabinets of their alcohol. And when the alcohol ran out, he turned to you. It wasn’t what you were used to, no. There was nothing loving about it; it was selfish, desperate, and the roughest it had ever been. You only allowed it because it was what he needed - you wouldn’t ever deny him. At night afterwards, when he held you to his chest as tears ran down his cheeks and onto your neck, you pretended to be asleep so he could cry instead of holding everything in. Because while the temporary bliss did little to help keep the pain away, he still deserved some type of momentary reprieve. You were careful, always making sure you were the first one up the mornings after, never wanting him to see the marks on your skin. But luck wasn’t on Jaebum’s side as of late, or maybe it wasn’t on your side. “I bruise easy, baby,” you said, trying to reassure him as you hastily pulled on one of his boxers. “It’s nothing.” He stared at your body, lips turned down in a frown. The dark shadows, the purple and blue, some yellowing, were bruises. Most in the shape of a hand - his. He slowly reached out to you, lightly hovering his hand over one on your shoulder. A perfect match. His frown deepened as did his self-loathing. He retracted his hand and whispered, “You’ve never bruised easy. Not in the four years we’ve been together.” He didn’t touch you after that, not even going to bed, turning to sleep with his back to you. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t hurt. Then it was time for him to go back to work. It had been so tense at home that you could only imagine how tense the atmosphere was between the seven of them when Jaebum joined them for schedules and overseas activities again. It hit you the day he left to join them in Japan: it’d only been ten days since the company’s announcement to the public, and Jaebum was already self destructing. . . . The second time he came home in a rage, you called Jackson and Jinyoung. Him being drunk, a rarity that was turning into a commonality for your boyfriend, added to the fact that he was still pissed off about Mark officially having taken over as leader of the group, made for absolute chaos. You couldn’t handle him this time, not with him destroying whatever he could get his hands on. They arrived in record-breaking time, wary looks on both of their faces. “Noona-” Jinyoung tried to speak, but you didn’t let him. You refused to hear whatever bullshit he was about to give you. “Don’t. You break, you fix. Now fix him.” Speaking through clenched teeth, cheeks stained with dry tears, you pointed to the kitchen right as something else hit the floor, maybe a plate or a cup, and broke, just like Jaebum. Jackson moved first, rushing to help his best friend. No matter what happened between them, he would always be there for Jaebum, loyal to a fault. Jinyoung, on the other hand, hesitated for a moment, looking torn between staying or leaving. “Park Jinyoung,” you whispered, voice thick. “For the past five years, seven in your case, that man has led you all. He’s taken care of your needs before his own. He’s put up with all your nonsense. He’s encouraged and helped you when no one else would. He’s never abandoned you.” Jinyoung bit his lip and sniffled, eyes trained on the ground. You kept talking though, because you knew he was forcing himself to listen. “For the past four years, he’s put GOT7 before our relationship, and I’ve never once complained. Now I am since you’ve all decided to watch from the sidelines as he falls apart. You’ve abandoned him. You’re ignoring the situation and I don’t know why, but you need to help him the way he’s helped you. I can’t do this alone - he needs you.” He looked up once you finished with an emotion you couldn’t identify on his face. His eyes were red and his lip was trembling, and if anything, it looked like regret. But could he have to regret? “We haven’t abandoned him,” he said. Your eyes narrowed in confusion, and he cut you off before you could ask him what he meant. “We’re still listening to him, even if he’s not the official leader anymore, because he’ll always be our leader.” “What do yo-?” “We’re ignoring the situation because he told us to, not because we abandoned him.” . . . On a rather dull evening a few weeks later, Jaebum decided to go out to clear his mind, this time asking you not to follow him. You were fine with that, positive that he was too drained emotionally and physically to do anything reckless, making an executive decision yourself: it was time to get answers. And where else better to get answers than GOT7’s dorm? Who else better to get them than the members of GOT7 themselves? Kunpimook had opened the door for you, eyes widening comically, but you found nothing humorous in that moment. “N-noona! What are you doing here? Hyung went home hours ago.” “I know but I’m not here for him. I came to see you all. It’s high time we talked, don’t you think?” you asked with a bite, head tilting to the side, eyebrow raised in a silent challenge. The look in your eyes was daring him to turn you away, poor kid looking like a deer caught in headlights. Your blood was boiling, and you really hoped he wouldn’t put up a fuss. He sighed, “I want to, trust me, we all want to, but-” It was then that Mark came to the door to see what was taking Kunpimook so long, paling upon seeing your face. “BamBam! What’re you-? O-oh.” Your name left his lips in a breathless whisper, as if he’d seen a ghost. “We need to talk,” you said to him. “Now we can do this inside, like adults, or we can do it right here and I won’t care who hears.” He grimaced. Mark wasn’t one for confrontation so he nodded slowly, and Kunpimook opened the door all the way to let you in. The boys looked unsettled by your presence, refusing to look you directly in the eyes, fidgeting like young students in their seats. You stood before them, feeling much like a mother about to scold her children. You even turned down Jinyoung’s offer of “have a seat and I’ll get you something to drink”. You didn’t need, nor did you particularly want, their hospitality. You weren’t there to exchange pleasantries, and they knew that. They knew what you wanted to talk about, yet no one even made an attempt to speak. That was the final straw for you. “Well?!” you exploded. Yugyeom and Youngjae flinched, but you couldn’t care less at that moment. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know why I’m here!” You scoffed when they insisted upon staying quiet. “So that’s how it’s going to be? Okay then. Why? Why did they make that decision? What did he do that leadership had to be taken away from him? Why did you guys allow this to happen?” You knew firing a thousand questions at them wasn’t the best idea right now, but your mind was reeling. The anger he felt all those months ago, all the anger you felt for him, was back in your system full throttle. How could his company do this to him? His own group for that matter? His so-called best friends! Then you remembered what Jinyoung had said to you the night you called him and Jackson. “What did you mean, Jinyoung? What you said to me, what did that me-?” “We didn’t “allow” anything to happen if that’s what you think,” Jackson spoke up, interrupting your interrogation. He stood up, eyes meeting yours, ire blazing in them. “So don’t come here pointing fingers when you don’t know anything.” “Really-” “Really!” “-because that’s not what the company is claiming! And I know Jaebum would do anything for the sake of GOT7.” “Do you believe what they said?” Jinyoung asked. His voice was quiet, contemplative. “Why wouldn’t I? You all say “jump” and Jaebum’s in the air before you even finished the word. So if you all agreed that it was best for him not to be leader anymore, he doesn’t have much choice does he? Because it’s in GOT7’s best interest.” It was Jinyoung’s turn to scoff that time. “Choice? None of us had a choice.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” You narrowed your eyes at him, but he didn’t answer. “Hello?” You clenched your fist, inhaling deeply. You were ready to give them a piece of your mind and let them know just how bad things had gotten at home, because it was obvious that they didn’t have a clue. They’d all be helping you if they did - not just Jackson and Jinyoung when it was convenient - instead of ignoring the problem at hand and waiting for it to go away on its own. “He doesn’t want us to say anything to you, so please keep this to yourself,” Mark requested suddenly. You were thrown off for a second but recovered and complied, nodding quickly. “It was… random. We were told that he wasn’t going to be joining us for schedules one morning, and that I would be filling his position as leader for the day. It started happening more and more, until we all got called into a meeting with JYP. Jaebum was already there,” he explained lowly. “There was no discussion. No explanation. Nothing. Jaebum though, he knew everything. JYP basically said I was leader from then on out, and that was that. When it was done, Jaebum… He looked so empty but he said his last request of us as leader was to accept it and ignore the fallout.” You remained quiet, taking in the information that was being given to you. It seemed like the boys too were tired of the situation and just as in the dark to the truth as you were. “Only he knows the reason, noona,” Youngjae spoke up from his spot on the floor. He looked a mess. They all did actually. Tired, upset, confused. They were suffering with you, with Jaebum. “What I told you, it was the truth. He said for us to ignore it, not to put up a fuss, to accept how things would be, and that he would deal with it on his own. So that’s what we’ve been doing,” Jinyoung added. “We know he’s hurting, but he won’t let us be there for him. He’s isolating himself from everyone, including you. You need to talk to him because you’re not going to get the answers you want from anyone but.” It felt like a bucket of ice water had been thrown on you. You never stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, they were being left out of the loop as well. Something ran down your cheeks and you realized it was tears, mentally cursing yourself for crying in front of the boys. “I’m so sor-” “Don’t apologize. We’re honestly surprised you didn’t come sooner,” Jackson admitted. He walked over to you, bringing you into a tight hug and rocking you side to side as you began to cry harder. “You’ve done so much for him throughout all of this, supported and taken such good care of him. I’m sorry we can’t tell you more or be of more help.” You felt him pull back slightly. “Jaebum has never been good at expressing himself, still isn’t really, but he’s different with you. Talk to him, okay?” “Okay.” You gave him a small, appreciative smile. “Thank you, all of you.” Jinyoung offered to walk you home. You wanted to decline as you needed some time alone to think through everything you’d learned, but the look in his eyes told you that there was something he wanted to tell you. What it could be, you had no clue. You hoped it wouldn’t add to the confusion though. You walked in silence for the first few blocks: Jinyoung carefully thought his words over, and you tried to prepare yourself for them. He knew something the others didn’t. To be honest, it would make sense if he did because he was Jaebum’s closest friend after all. Maybe Jaebum had gone to him with the truth, despite what Jinyoung claimed in the dorm. Maybe he knew the truth and had promised Jaebum that he would keep it to himself. That would explain why he looked so conflicted. It wasn’t until you were standing outside of your apartment building that Jinyoung’s voice startled you out of your thoughts. You looked behind you to see he had stopped walking altogether, standing with his head down and hands in his pockets. “What would you be willing to do for him?” His question stumped you. “For Jaebum?” He nodded. “What wouldn’t I be willing to do is the question you should be asking then. I’d do anything for him, you know that.” Jinyoung looked up, lips pressed together. He looked like he was about to cry, and his next words perplexed you even more. “Would you break up with him if it meant he could be leader again?” The question knocked the air out of you, leaving you completely floored. You blinked rapidly and licked your lips, unsure if he was really asking you what you thought he was. Jinyoung closed the gap between the two of you and placed his hands on your shoulders. “Would you do that for him?” “J-Jinyoung! You can’t be-” “I am. I’m sorry, but I am.” His voice broke at the end, a tear finally spilling over. Jinyoung loved you as much as he loved Jaebum. He thought you were perfect for his friend, and you would never know how much asking you that killed him. Tears blurred your vision again as it clicked in your mind. It all made sense - Jaebum’s avoidance to your questions, why he demanded the members kept their distance, why he kept you in the dark. It was crystal clear now, but that didn’t stop you from asking Jinyoung to confirm it for you. “Why didn’t he tell me?” Jinyoung bit his lip, shaking his head. “Please don’t.” You raised your voice. “Why didn’t he tell me, Jinyoung?” Head hung low, he answered, “Would you? Would you be able to tell the person you love that they’re the reason you lost one of the most important things in your life?” And you felt your world fall apart.

***

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.”

You remembered it clearly, the day you met him. Each and every insignificant detail of that day was ingrained into your memory: the torrential downpour you’d woken up to, your rush to get to class on time for your final, the unusually long line at the coffee shop making you more anxious than you’d already been. You perfectly recalled the significant details of that day as well: the stunning stranger in line before you, how he sensed your impatience and let you order before him only to get your scalding hot coffee on him, the reassurance in his voice as you repeatedly apologized, when he ran after you in the storm, the smile that seemed to make the rain go away and sun come out. It was nothing more than a chance meeting really, one you would have liked to have sans the accident in your haste. When you left the coffee shop, the things you immediately thought of were his eyes - eyes that held no malice or irritation despite what had happened - and his voice - a voice that you would have liked to listen to for a little while longer. Decidedly, he was someone you couldn’t forget, especially not after embarrassing yourself like that, but he was also someone you had been sure you wouldn’t ever see again. So it surprised you when he rushed out of the little shop to find you, not caring in the slightest that he was getting drenched. Of course you assumed he had come to his senses and was going to yell at you, yet the yelling never came. Instead, he stumbled over himself trying to get your number and beamed the most dazzling smile you’d ever seen. Neither of you believed in things like love at first sight or falling in love upon first meeting - adamant about such up until you met the other. Because while you fell in love with the smile a handsome boy, barely a man, graced you under the flashes of lightning and crashes of thunder, he fell in love with a beautiful girl, barely a woman, who spilled her drink all over him and didn’t have a clue as to who he was. It was an instant connection. The rest after that was a history full of enough passionate moments to start an inferno; enough cheesy moments that even the most romantic person would cringe at; and enough sickeningly sweet moments to give the most healthy person diabetes. The relationship that bloomed between the two of you was one romantic cliche after another, and you loved it just as you loved him. You’d fallen fast, hard, and all at once. Having grown up imagining the perfect relationship, where you and your partner would fall slowly for one another opposed to so suddenly, you weren’t prepared for the intensity. But then again, neither was he and that was okay, because you weren’t alone. You had each other to lean on. Back then that was all you needed. When the relationship was new and exciting, nothing could bring you down from cloud nine. Your lowest lows couldn’t compare to your highest highs, to the moments when you two were the only ones that mattered. The hassle of sneaking around for a meager twenty minutes, the petty arguments, the uncertainty and insecurities that came with dating an idol drifted away when he held you close at night, when he kissed away your worries, when he reminded you he loved you. Then the desire to go public struck you both with such intense want that his friends were worried he would do something reckless. But the two of you waited for JYP’s permission and blessing. The storm that came thereafter - the media frenzy, the backlash, the hatred, the invasion of privacy, the verbal and physical attacks - was everything and then some the company had warned you both of. At one point you even came close to ending your relationship with him - having succumbed to the viciousness of the saesangs that sought to make your life a nightmare - but he gave you strength. He reminded you that you were two, not one, so you weathered the metaphorical storm together, as you had done the real one the day you had met each other. However, now, for the first time in your relationship, you wished that you had broken things off. You wished that you’d had the courage to go through with it, to endure the pain, relive and cherish the happy memories, then move on. But that was selfish, so instead you wished that none of it had happened. You wished that you had been a few minutes earlier or later to the coffee shop, that he had made you wait like everyone else, or that he had been angry with you for spilling your drink on him. Better yet, you wished harder than any other time in your life that you had never met him, because then, maybe you would have been spared from the pain that came after Jinyoung’s confession. After all, the truth hurts, and this truth was excruciating. . . . “I’m not their leader anymore.” Im Jaebum, your boyfriend of four years - four happy, blissful years - was no longer the leader of GOT7. This was the truth. A fact you hated to accept. A nightmare. One of his biggest fears turned harsh reality. “As a leader, I do constantly think about where our fate will take us, and will I be good enough to lead them to it.” Mark was leader now. He was the one left to wonder if he was good enough to lead GOT7, not Jaebum. Not ever again. “After much thought about the future of the group, and discussion between all the members, it has been decided that JB stepping down from the position of leader is the best course of action for GOT7. “Seeing how JB is no longer fit to take on the role as such, the members of GOT7 agreed on Mark replacing him.” This was the delusion. The lie. The metaphorical blanket over the eyes of many - including your own until recently. No fair discussion took place; no one agreed on anything. “Would you be able to tell the person you love that they’re the reason you lost one of the most important things in your life?” It was your fault, the role of leader being wrongfully stripped from him. His suffering. His pain. His self-destruction. It was your fault, all of it. You were to blame. Of this, you were certain. . . . Jinyoung had been expecting an outburst of emotion from you when he asked you to break up with Jaebum. You could tell from how cautious and nervous he looked that he’d been waiting for you to curse or shout at him. He probably spent the whole walk to your apartment preparing for it, praying that Jaebum wouldn’t hate him for telling and hurting you. Instead you looked at him in incredulity, stayed awfully silent, and began to cry. He didn’t want this. He wanted you to scream at him until you were red in the face. He wanted you to hurl insults his way. That he could handle; this he could not. “Please don’t cry, noona. I know I look like the bad guy right now, and I’m sorry you had to find out this way-” “But?” you interrupted, voice shaky. “But what?” Jinyoung sighed. He looked like he was thinking of a way to try to explain his request of you, to somehow alleviate the sudden extra weight he’d dumped on you; however, the damage had already been done. “But we just want him to be happy.” You took a deep breath and nodded, tears streaming steadily down your cheeks. “And I’m keeping him from his happiness. Got it.” Guilt visibly hit Jinyoung, his eyes widening as realization dawned on him. Just as you forgot to think about the members, he forgot to think about you. You were sure that Jinyoung hadn’t sat down to really think about what you had been going through alongside Jaebum. Supporting him as you had been throughout the whole ordeal was draining and hard, but Jinyoung hadn’t thought of that. He had solely focused on Jaebum’s end of the predicament - you were absolutely positive of that. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have come to the conclusion that the only solution was to break up with Jaebum. “No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “You’ve always made him happy. You know you make him happy. I swear I didn’t mean it like that!” You turned away from him, having heard enough. He’d given you a shitty ultimatum and now wanted to make you understand where he was coming from? No, you weren’t having it. All you wanted to do now was make it to your apartment without breaking down, curl up in bed, and let out everything you were holding inside. “Jinyoung?” A voice called out in surprise. You froze. Lady Luck was all but gone from your side apparently. “Hyung!” You wouldn’t have been able to mask your surprise if you were Jinyoung either. “What are you doing here?” Jaebum asked, his voice closer to you two now. It sounded tight, with the slightest tinge of alarm, and you knew he had his eyes narrowed at his best friend. Jinyoung recovered with a smooth lie. Tuning out his response, you kept your back turned to them, facing the building’s entrance, your sanctuary so close yet so far. You had to get away otherwise you’d come undone right there where anyone who walked by could see - where Jaebum could see. In a few strides, you’d be in the apartment lobby, a few more to reach the elevator, then a handful of minutes after that, you’d be home. And that was where you needed to be before it became too hard to contain yourself. All you had to do was walk, one foot in front of the other. You found yourself short on strength though. “Jagiya?” And as such, Jaebum was your strength… and your weakness. A sob involuntarily escaped you, just as Jaebum touched your shoulder, and you clamped a hand over your mouth to silence it. How many more times would he call you “jagiya”? How many more times would he say you were his “sun and moon, and all the stars in between” only to cringe at himself for doing so? How many “I love you”s did you have left? Just thinking about little things like that made you lose it completely. It didn’t matter how hard you tried to stay quiet, the wails that followed were going to be heard. “Jagi! Why are you crying?” Gently cradling your face, Jaebum tried to get you to look at him, but you pulled away. “L-let me go.” You shrugged him off. “No. What’s bothering you?” he insisted, tugging you closer to him, and the more you two struggled the more suffocated you began to feel. “Tell me what’s wrong.” “Let me go! Let me go!” you shouted. You felt trapped, overwhelmed, and he wasn’t helping. He was crowding you, demanding answers that he probably already knew, whereas you right now needed space to think. You needed space to process the information that had come to light, but he wasn’t giving you any. So with as much strength as you could muster, you pushed him back. “Just let me go Jaebum!” The two of you stared at one another, breathing heavily. You didn’t want his gentle, yet firm touch that made you feel protected; you didn’t want his soothing, melodic voice that gave you comfort. For the first time in your four years together, you didn’t want Jaebum. That alone was more than enough to finish breaking your heart. The energy your body had used to push him was fleeting, taking whatever was left in you with it. You dropped to your knees, sapped, and sat back on the cold cement, sitting there forlornly. Exhausted. Defeated. You paid no mind to Jaebum and Jinyoung as they rushed to you, seemingly set to cry until you could cry no more. Are answers not what you wanted? Are they not what you’d been seeking? They weren’t the answers you’d thought you were going to get, but they were what you’d be looking for indeed. What happened next as a result of knowing the truth, as incomplete as it may be, was something you didn’t want to think about whatsoever. You couldn’t help but wonder though, how long would it have taken for Jaebum to be honest about the ordeal had you waited for him to open up to you? Before you would have defended the trust in communication between you two adamantly, but you weren’t so sure in that moment. Everything, the entire situation, seemed different. Jaebum seemed different. All the time and effort you’d spent trying to comfort him, trying to get him back on his feet, trying to put him back together - they were time and efforts in vain. And Jaebum, he’d been humoring you, letting you continue the charade when he knew better. But the cat was out of the bag now. According to Jinyoung, you were to blame for his distress. You were the cause, so how could you possibly be the cure? With every passing second, with each thought, you closed in more on yourself. Their words were fading into the background, no attention put to them. Their touches didn’t faze you, barely registered, not really felt. Their faces were a blur, but perhaps that could be contributed to the river of tears that came from your eyes. You were numb to everything that went on around you from that moment on: Jinyoung’s shaking shoulders, his stuttered apologies, his own tears. Jaebum’s arms around you, the frantic look in his eyes, the panic that had crept into his voice. None of it mattered. None of it reached you. It was all a waste. It was all futile attempts to pull you back from the abyss that you fell further into by the second. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Your cracks connected, your pieces finally falling apart. “Jagiya, talk to me, please!” Were you shattered now too? Were you just as broken as Jaebum? “What did you do to her? What the hell did you say?” “I didn’t want to, I really didn’t! But what choice did I have?” Yes. You were. . . . You realized that your life with Jaebum - your relationship - was never going to be the same again from that point on. . . . Whilst Jaebum’s attitude at home had improved over the course of the past few days, yours slowly dwindled. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t still mad over the whole thing, because he was. He just wasn’t going around in a blind rage, drinking more than he could handle, bringing about destruction wherever he went - which was a plus because you were absolutely positive you wouldn’t have been able to handle that in your state. As for such state, you weren’t faring well, but compared to how he acted when he was initially told he wasn’t leader, you were tame. The most you did was cry, gripe about lies, and mope around the house. There were times when you tried to get out, go back to work, but that usually resulted in you going home early. The third time you came home “sick” from work, Jaebum decided to stay with you instead of going to practice. To say the least, you weren’t pleased. “I think you should stay at the dorm tonight.” Jaebum was sitting on your side of the bed, next to you as you lay on your stomach, the both of you staring at the pictures on the wall, the one he’d broken all those months ago back in its place. His hand rubbed circles into your skin, running up and down the expanse of your back. He practically hadn’t let you out of his sight following the night of your little meltdown, lucky to have a few days off in fact. With those days, Jaebum made sure to take care of you to the best of his ability, trying to do for you what you had done for him. It was a heartwarming sentiment really, one you would have appreciated under other circumstances. “I said I think you should stay at the dorm tonight,” you said and turned over to face him. He hummed lowly, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. His hand glided down your body and settled over your waist before starting to move in a circular motion once more. Why was he ignoring what you were saying? You stopped his hand in the middle of its circuit. “I’m serious, Jaebum. Go to the dorm for the night.” “I heard you the first two times. I’d rather stay home, jagiya.” “Please don’t call me that.” He raised those neatly groomed eyebrows of his. A challenge. “What am I supposed to call you then? Are you not my jagiya?” “My name works fine.” “Are you not my jagiya?” he repeated, ignoring your retort all together. “Last I checked, we were still together.” You sat up, a fresh wave of tears rushing to your eyes, not that that was a new occurrence. As of late, the majority of your time was spent crying - which you were starting to resent ardently - and mulling over the inevitable. “For how much longer though? Until you can’t stand not being leader so much that you dump me?” Jaebum rolled his eyes and turned from you completely. “No-” “Until the company further threatens your standing in the group or contract then.” You cursed inwardly as your voice trembled. This wasn’t a conversation you wanted to have while crying. You wanted him to listen, to see reason not your tears. “No. Listen this isn’t up for discussion so drop it. I made a choice, therefore I have to deal with the consequences of it.” A choice you didn’t have a right to know about apparently, even though it affected you too. “How do you expect me to just drop this, Jaebum? Jinyoung didn’t tell me much, so that leaves you, the person I should have heard everything from in the first place!” “I’m not doing this with you.” He got up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom. “For the last time, we’re not talking about it.” “Why? What more aren’t you telling me? Why won’t you talk to me about it?” you snapped, annoyed with his dismissive attitude. You stood to follow him. It wasn’t fair that he got to avoid your questions, that he got to keep secrets. “Why Jaebum?” “Because there’s nothing to talk about, and that’s final!” With that, he slammed the door in your face, leaving you stunned in the darkness. Leaning your head against the cold wood, you sighed. Is this how every attempt to discuss this - whatever this was - would end? With him refusing to speak on the matter, continuing to shut you out? Were you supposed to pretend you didn’t know anything? Did he expect you to act like things were fine? Like nothing was wrong? Like the dynamic of your relationship hadn’t shifted? Throughout the four years you’d been with him, Jaebum never ran from confrontation. Jaebum was one of the most responsible people you knew. When there was an issue or problem amongst the members of GOT7, he would be the one to resolve it. Whenever you were going through a rough time, he immediately wanted to know and help you. The same with the far-and-few-between arguments you had - Jaebum wanted them resolved quickly. So why was he letting this drag out? Why was this any different? You stepped away from the door as the shower turned on. His unwillingness to speak about anything to do with leadership being taken from him and how you played a role in the decision told you one thing: you had to take matters into your own hands. For whatever reason, Jaebum wasn’t going to take the initiative, and that left you to. What that entailed, you weren’t sure yet, but you had to be the one to do so. You could only hope your actions wouldn’t bring about further pain, but as you crawled back into bed, drawing the sheets up to your neck, your gut feeling told you much more was to come. “Two, not one,” you whispered to yourself as the first of your tears cascaded down your cheeks. “We’ll make it through the storm together as two, not one.” That night you prayed you did. . . . You weren’t exactly sure how to describe what you were feeling anymore. Several thoughts and emotions were running through your mind, coursing through your being all the time, nonstop. It was exhausting honestly, but nowhere near as tiring as your meltdown thankfully. And while the mental breakdown from that night had been a result of stress and emotional turmoil, you weren’t sure what to blame your inner chaos on lately. Perhaps it was all the pent up anger, confusion, and sorrow. As opposed to before, you weren’t exactly sure as to where or who those emotions were being directed at. The company for betraying Jaebum as they had? Jaebum for not telling you the truth? Yourself for being the cause behind it all? It was a vicious cycle that continued with no end, often leaving you with a headache and additional questions to add to endless list that existed already. Jaebum was no help in answering these questions. He steered clear of any and all conversation to do with the topic like it was the plague. Any attempt on your end to discuss it was met with him shutting it down and you up. It usually resulted with him getting frustrated and leaving the room for some air, while it served to bring you more despair and tears, of which you had an infinite supply apparently. When he returned, it was always with the intent of making you forget about anything but the two of you. Although you never turned him away - craving his touch, his kiss, him, during a time you could still say he was yours - you wondered about when it would start to lose its effect. Needless to say, you hadn’t contacted Jinyoung for answers, not since he had walked you home. Just thinking about the audacity, the gall, he had to ask you to break up with Jaebum was enough to get your blood boiling. You knew he had the best intentions at heart for his friend and bandmate, but had he really forgotten that you were as in love with Jaebum as he was with you? Had he forgotten you had feelings too? He even had the nerve to text you, playing the “if you really loved him card” in hopes you would go through with it and leave Jaebum. For someone who hated being painted the bad guy, he was making it almost too easy. You decided the only other people you could possibly talk to were Mark and Jackson. Jinyoung was crossed off the list for obvious reasons - as was the maknae line because you highly doubted Jaebum wanted them involved - so that left the two rappers. Jackson, you believed, would have been the more preferable of the two, but with him constantly traveling between China and South Korea, it was going to be more than hard to sit down for some one-on-one chit-chat. A call could have worked, yes, but with such a busy schedule, you knew it was a stretch to try. Mark it was then. Surely he knew more than he had been letting on the night you confronted them, right? . . . Wrong. “I’m sorry, but I know as much as you do, if not less.” You rolled your eyes so hard, you could turn back time. You were sick and tired of the people around you apologizing to you. They apologized for every little damn thing and it was driving you crazy. Mark didn’t mean anything by it. He wasn’t trying to upset you, but unfortunately for him, that’s exactly what he had done. Plus, he had you at some hole-in-the-wall cafe before the sun was fully up just to say he didn’t know anything. You understood he had a schedule, but a simple text or call would have sufficed. Okay, maybe not, but still. It was too early in the morning for this shit. “Then why did you agree to meet me?” you bluntly asked. Your leg bounced up and down impatiently as you waited for his response with barely contained exasperation. Mark gave a half-hearted shrug, and it took sheer willpower, willpower you were severely low on, not to scream at him for doing so. “Jaebum,” Mark sighed. “He’s more concerned with whether or not you’ll be gone when he gets home from work than anything else nowadays. It has us worried about what’s been going on, you know? I guess I wanted to see how you were doing for myself.” You scoffed. Really? “Do the bags under my eyes tell you how I’m doing? Does the color of my skin tell you how I’m doing? Or maybe how fabulously the dark circles under my eyes compliments the lack thereof tells you how I’m doing. Let me ask you something Mark, how does it look like I’m fucking doing?” Mark flinched and stayed quiet, head down, and you instantly regretted snapping at him like that when he was looking out for you. It was easy to forget that Mark didn’t like drama of any sort, and this was probably all one big headache to him. “I-I’m so sorry, Mark, you didn’t deserve-” “No, it’s fine. Really,” he interrupted you with a shake of the head. “Can I ask you something serious?” You bit your lip, but nodded nonetheless. “Do you hate me because I’m leader now and not Jaebum?” His question genuinely surprised you, stunning you into silence. Did you hate Mark because he was the new leader of GOT7? He didn’t ask to be, but did that stop you from placing blame, if only a little, on him? No, it didn’t. You weren’t exactly impartial where this was concerned - Jaebum was your boyfriend after all. The question still remained though: did you hate him for being leader? “No,” you finally said after several moments. “I don’t hate you, Mark. Never have.” “Good.” He gave you a small smile. The barista called his order then and he excused himself to get your drinks. Turning your head to look out of the window, you frowned at the reflection that stared back at you. You looked lifeless, a shadow of your former self. This was exactly what Jaebum looked like months ago - dull and dead inside, a zombie on the outside. “Even if I did know more,” Mark spoke softly, startling you. He placed your drink on the table, choosing to remain standing. You turned your gaze up to him. “It’s not my place to tell you. It’s Jaebum’s. Remember he has his reasons, and when the time is right, he’ll come forward with the truth.” You refrained from another eyeroll, opting to nodding slowly and looking out the window once more. There went your last hope for clarity, right out the door. That left Jaebum the only one with the ability to give you semblance to peace of mind - as if that wasn’t already a lost cause. “I’m sorry,” Mark apologized again before leaving the cafe. “Me too.” . . . A little over a week after your meeting with Mark, a sense of foreboding filled you so badly, so unexpectedly, one Sunday morning that the only thing you’d thought to do was leave the apartment to escape it. You grabbed the first shirt and jeans your hands touched, yanked your phone off the charger, shoved some sneakers onto your feet and left. The sun was barely peeking over the horizon, the city still sound asleep, too early for its usual bustle and liveliness. But you, you were running. Running without direction or a place in mind. Just running to get away from the dread that had consumed you while you were asleep, as if that was possible. Where you found yourself was somewhere you held near to your heart though: the playground you and Jaebum had shared your first kiss at. You two had met up at the park in the wee hours of the night, after one of his practices, and wandered over to the playground tucked away behind the treeline. You talked for hours about everything, anything, and nothing at all, leading up to the kiss that was definitely one of your favorite memories. You stopped running once your were hidden from sight should anyone walk by, slowing to a jog then a brisk gait. A few feet from the old swing set, you came to a complete stop. That was where he’d kissed you. It had started sweet and slow, but was electrifying and turned a bit sloppy quickly. It was where you became addicted to his kisses. Walking over to the second swing from the left, you collapsed into the seat, listening as the dilapidated swing protested against the sudden weight. In a place that meant so much to you and Jaebum, it was hard to think about anything but you and him. You tried to think about the positive in your relationship and each memory you shared in the tiny playground: all the goofing around, stolen kisses with the moonlight as your only witness, the whispered proclamations of love. Inevitably, however, your thoughts wandered back to the dread that woke you up, and turned to where you and Jaebum were headed. Anyone could see that things would not finish well between you. Your love that burned with the passion of a thousand suns was rapidly approaching its violent end. The time you had left together as a couple was running out. The days were numbered. Just as you had fallen in love, fast, hard, and all at once, your relationship would end. . . . You watched your phone light up, illuminating your face with a call from Jaebum, his cheeky grin looking up at you from the screen. A bittersweet smile made its way to your face. You loved his smile; it was one of your favorite things about him. Always would be. It would be one of the things you missed most about him, if not the most. The screen went dark - another missed call - and your expression changed. Tears rushed to your eyes. An anguished frown replaced your smile. Could you go through with what you were about to do? Months ago, you would have sworn up and down, left and right, no. No you could not, but now? Now you were tired beyond belief. Physically, it felt like you were carrying dead weight on your back. Mentally, you were confused. Emotionally, you were unstable. And if this was the way to relieve yourself of your burdens, then so be it. “Jagi? Baby, what are you doing here?” You weren’t surprised he found you, not in the slightest. He knew you like the back of his hand. It wasn’t exactly like you were trying to hide either. If you had been trying to hide from him, you would have gone to some out-of-the-way park, and not a park you both frequented often. “What are you doing here?” Jaebum repeated and walked around the swing set to crouch in front of you. Your despondent attitude wasn’t lost on him. “You’ve been crying again.” His voice was soft. “What are you thinking about?” Jaebum, having woken up half an hour ago to find you missing from his side, had been tossed into a state of frenzy, automatically assuming you’d ultimately decided to leave him. But you’d been in the same spot for quite some time now, unmoving, like a statue. “Nothing,” you murmured, but you knew almost as soon as the word fell from your lips that he wasn’t going to accept that as an answer. He reached up to wipe away some of your tears before taking your hands into his own. “Why did you leave?” he asked instead, not wanting to pressure you into telling him what was on your mind, even though he already knew. “I wanted to be alone.” Jaebum’s gaze lingered on your expression for some time before he spoke. “What is it?” You looked away from him, sniffling. “I already said nothing.” “Jagiya.” On one hand, you were irked that he was so intuitive and observant. You had to play detective while all he had to do was look at you and put everything together. That wasn’t fair, not to you at least. A couple should be equals in their relationship, yet you were feeling like the lesser more and more lately. On the other hand, your answer hadn’t been convincing to your own ears, so how could it possibly sound convincing to him? He who had spent the last four years discovering and memorizing everything there was to learn about you; he who recognized your faults, your imperfections, and accepted them; he who knew you better than you’d ever know yourself. A finger brushed a piece of hair back from your face, tucking it behind your ear, before sliding under your chin. He wanted you to look at him. You, however, didn’t want that: his eyes would be your breaking point. Those eyes, those eyes you loved getting lost in so often, would be your undoing. He would see it in your own that you were hiding something from him. And once he got a good look at you, looked into your eyes, it would be nearly impossible to go forward with your decision. That in itself was dangerous to the both of you. You slapped his hand away from your face and stood. You needed to distance yourself otherwise he’d cloud your judgement. Jaebum stood as well, blocking you. “Move Jaebum.” You tried to walk around him, but his hands went for your hips. His arms wrapped around you, pulling you close to his body. You pushed his chest, but he tightened his grip until your body was flush against his. “Talk to me,” he tried once more. You shook your head, just wanting to get away from him. “Listen, if you’re still thinking about what Jinyoung said, you need to stop. For the last time let it go, please.” “It’s not only that, Jae-” “Then talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.” “What isn’t wrong? Nothing is going right and I don’t know what to do anymore!” You knew exactly what you had to do, and you had to do it now. Gripping the front of his shirt, you rested your forehead against his chest. “Jaebum, listen-” “No.” “Excuse me?” you asked incredulously, looking up at him. He was staring at you, brown feline-like eyes narrowed, brows furrowed. “I know what you’re going to try to do,” he said. “And I’m not going to let you.” “Jaebum-” “No,” he repeated firmly, his protests overlapping you every time you tried to speak. “Will you-” “No!” “You can’t keep me from leaving you!” you screamed. At your outburst, you both fell quiet. His arms slowly fell from around your body and he stepped back. He clenched his jaw, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. “You’re right, I can’t keep you from leaving,” he started and you momentary allayment was crushed instantly with his next words. “But I know you won’t.” And although he hadn’t sounded completely confident in that statement, you recognized the strong possibility that he was right. . . . Air. You needed air. You needed air but there was something holding you back, something keeping you from it, constricting you, making it harder and harder to breathe. You tried to fight it, struggling to win a battle already lost and yet you didn’t stop. It was a weight that pushed down on you with all its might, on your chest, on your shoulders, on your back. It was testing you, pushing your limits, eager to see you fall. And fall you did. You woke up with a gasp, eyes flying open, heart pounding violently. You inhaled deeply, greedily, trying to fill your lungs as much as possible. A strong pair of arms tightened around your waist, tugging you back into a muscular chest. Lips found your shoulder. It was hot in the room, you noticed, and Jaebum smothering you wasn’t helping. If anything, it was adding to your discomfort and growing irritation. Was Jaebum the weight in your dreams? Was he the one suffocating you and not some ominous presence? You hoped he wasn’t. “Are you okay?” Jaebum whispered, placing a soft kiss on the nape your neck. “I’m fine,” you tried to reassure him. “It was nothing but a bad dream. Go back to sleep.” You untangled your legs from his and pried his arms off of your body. Snatching up his shirt from the floor, you pulled it on. There was no going back to sleep; it was useless to try. Jaebum watched as you changed into some tights and threw a hoodie on over his shirt. “Where are you going?” His voice stopped you at the bedroom door, sounding so desperate for such an intimidating persona. It almost made you want to stay, to keep him close, to promise you would never leave. Almost. “For a walk. I’ll be back in a bit.” He sat up. “I’ll come with you.” “No, Jaebum, you need to rest and I need to clear my mind - alone. I’ll be back before you leave,” you said, though you were determined to stay away from the apartment until he was long gone for his schedules. He swallowed before nodding. “Okay, call me if you need anything.” And the look in his eyes was imploring, begging you not to go. You dropped his gaze, muttering something that sounded like “see you later” to your ears before rushing out of the apartment. The ride down to the ground floor was an internal war raged within yourself. Each floor the elevator came to, you contemplated getting out and taking the stairs back up to your apartment. By the time you reached the lobby, you were hysterical. All it would take is a few minutes to hail a cab, get in, and never come back - you were that close. But each step to the entrance was heavier and heavier. You hadn’t even made out of the building, hadn’t set a foot outside, when you made up your mind, turned around and ran back home, back to him. He was waiting in the living room when you walked in, sitting on the couch with a tired, forlorn expression on his face. Lingering by the door, you waited until he spoke first. “I’m sorry.” That was the last thing you thought he’d say. For reasons you yourself didn’t know, you weren’t expecting him to apologize. What you did know was that it wasn’t enough. “I can’t accept your apology if I don’t know what you’re apologizing for. Maybe you’ll say “I’m sorry because my bestfriend told you the truth” or “I’m sorry because I kept the truth hidden from you”? Or maybe you’ll say “I’m sorry” and decide you’re done with this. Is this the part where we break up?” You knew you were being harsh, but right now, you were floundering, drowning in chaos and confusion, trying to make sense of an incomplete story. “No, no, it’s none of that-” “Then what are you saying sorry for? A simple sorry isn’t enough, Jaebum. It’s not going to fix anything.” “So what needs to be fixed? Please tell me what needs fixing. What do I have to do to make you happy again?” “How about you start by telling me the truth!” Jaebum shook his head in the negative. “I can’t do that. I won’t.” You scoffed, your pent up anger and irritation surfacing. “Why not? Why do you continue to ignore the elephant in the room? I was patient. I waited and I waited for you to tell me what was going on, but you said nothing. Instead you got drunk off your feet, you broke things, you hurt yourself, you hurt-” He stiffened. Stopping yourself before you could finish that thought, you licked your lips. “Wasn’t it bad enough that Jinyoung had to tell me I’m the reason you aren’t leader anymore instead of you? I don’t get it. Why were you so insistent on keeping me out of the loop? Answer me Jaebum!” “Because you’ll leave me!” He shot up from his seat, his shout startling you. “Once I tell you, you’ll leave. I know you: you’ll take it upon yourself to try to make things right and leave.” “Try me.” He clenched his fists. “You were ready to end things a couple days ago. What makes now any different?” “Absolutely nothing. It’ll still be my fault, regardless of what you say, but I deserve to know.” “For fuck’s sake, you became a distraction in their eyes, okay!” You flinched. The truth was finally out. Jaebum rubbed a hand over his face and tugged at his hair, inhaling and exhaling harshly. There was no point in stopping now - if he was going to tell the truth, it had to be everything. “You. Us. Our relationship became a distraction… I was told that I wasn’t focused on my priorities, that I was becoming reckless and had taken advantage of us being public, that I was setting a bad example for the members. There were people telling me left and right to break up with you, that a relationship wasn’t worth risking my career. Obviously, I didn’t listen and I knew there would be consequences. “That day I came home… That was the day I got called into a meeting. I was told that if I got away with it, the others would think they could too, and no one can have that, so in just in a few minutes, it was decided I was unfit to continue being leader.” Jaebum paused for a moment, eyes watering slightly as he recalled the meeting. “I couldn’t tell you because I knew you would blame yourself. You would leave thinking that was the only way for me to be leader again. But I’m not dying because I’m not in my old position; I’m not struggling to make end’s meet because I have some schedules taken away from me. I’m still in GOT7. I’m still an idol.” He slowly crossed the room to where you were standing, taking your hands in his. “Please trust me, believe me, when I say being leader didn’t ever bring me the happiness you do. It’s nice to feel important, to feel needed, but it’s always been so stressful and a huge responsibility. You make things easy, and you’ve always made me happy.” Tears brimmed at the corners of your eyes. “Then why did you act the way you did? Why didn’t you trust me?” Jaebum looked down at your hands, fingers having naturally intertwined. “‘Cause it hurt like hell. I might have known there was a possibility, in the back of my mind at least, but that doesn’t lessen the feeling.” His eyes met yours. “I’ve always trusted you, jagiya. I just thought, for once, I could be selfish. I’ve given up so much to be an idol that it wasn’t fair for them to ask me to give you up as well… I never thought it would blow up in my face like this.” His words, the soft tremble in his voice, the way it got thicker like a lump was in his throat - they hurt your heart. You let go of his hands to instead wrap your arms around his middle section. You molded yourself to his frame, holding him as close as possible, pressing kisses into his chest. “It may not have always brought you happiness, but being leader meant the world to you,” you began softly as you pulled away, carefully picking each word. “No, you mean the world to me.” Jaebum quickly interrupted. “Jaebum. Being leader meant the world to you, that’s why it hurt so much… I knew when we started dating that it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. Now we’ve hit an obstacle that I’m not sure we can overcome. You can’t choose me over your career, a career you’ve worked hard and many years for,” you said. Moving your hands to cup his face in one hand as you traced his features with the other, you smiled at him. A small, sad smile.

“I won’t let you.”

***

“I won’t let you.”

Those words echoed in his mind painfully. For some reason out of all the things you had ever said to him, these words that were only intended to love him, broke him. Your eyes were becoming more and more hollow… more and more red from the lack of sleep. Your skin stretched itself over your bones desperately. Looking at you, you were like a walking skeleton. Food became tasteless in your mouth and your appetite seemed to have run away. It wasn’t because of what you had been through that was tearing you up inside, but what you were going to do. Jaebum froze. His breathing halted as a single tear rolled slowly down your cheek and dropped on his hand. For the first time he couldn’t understand you. He couldn’t believe that you were willing to give up on him. On you. On this relationship. Anger started to fill up inside and he pushed your hands away from his face.

“No. No. Stop.” You frowned clearly confused at his reaction. Jaebum started to pace around the room with clenched hands and you couldn’t help but notice how white they were turning.

“Jaebum I-“

“No! You think you can leave me? Who the hell do you think you are? Do you know how much I love you? How much it will kill me to get over you? I don’t care about being leader! Why can’t you just…” you closed your eyes and sighed. Putting up with his moods was torture to you. He came home and would do nothing. He wouldn’t talk to you or let you in… All you would do is fight and it got to a point where you weren’t only giving up on his trust for you but life itself. Jinyoung was right. He was happy being a leader. There were about 3.5 billion other women in the world. Surely he’d be able to find somebody else. Somebody who wasn’t a distraction. Somebody good enough.

“You don’t have a choice in this Jaebum…”

“No I don’t.” He interrupted as he slammed his fist against the wall in anger. It made you jump a little but you quickly regained your composure. “But you are being selfish.” Unbelievable. Selfish? The last thing you were being was selfish. You were doing it for him! It angered you that Jaebum was being unreasonable. You had spent countless hours trying to get him to talk to you. Trying to get him to feel happy again. For four years you felt like you and him were united at the touch, as if one of you couldn’t live without the other one. But knowing that his anger; his desperation and his constant isolation was entirely your fault, all you wanted to do was fix the mess that you had caused. If saying goodbye to the only person that you really and truly loved meant that they could be happy, then that was what you were going to do. No matter what anybody says.

“I’m doing this for you! Because I want you to be happy!” He scoffed at your response and it hurt you a little. He was getting into that mood again. The mood that you tried so, so hard to free him from. Why didn’t he believe you? You had been by his side through thick and thin but if you put his career that he had spent years and years working towards against a small four year relationship. Clearly you could tell which was more important. Couldn’t you?

“No you are doing this for yourself. Because you hate to wake up to reality. You think it’s all going to go away just like that? That this mistake can be fixed at the click of your fingers? Well it’s not!” A mistake. That’s what he called you. A mistake. All of sudden the hugs and the kisses and small but loveable actions evaporated. All the memories and emotions that you had shared… gone. If you were a mistake, then everything that you had done together… all the laughs and smiles that you had given each other… the efforts that the both of you had put into this relationship was futile. Being a mistake would mean that he… regretted. That he no longer loved you the way that he had loved you at the start of those four years. “You want to leave? Then leave.” He glared at you with cold and stern eyes. They eyes that you thought you would be able to see everyday. Eyes that a moment ago were filled with love for you. But now, they were filled with hatred. But surely this was what you wanted right? To leave him so things can go back to normal right? But a strange feeling told you otherwise. Jaebum kept his eyes fixed on you as you stood still. If you didn’t move, he would and even though you knew he would never hurt you intentionally, fear creeped over your shoulder. “I SAID LEAVE.” He raised his voice and in one quick motion, he yanked the bedroom door open. You looked down and tried to not let any more tears down. You had to be strong and show to him that this was the right thing. That what you were doing was for him. Even if he didn’t believe you. Giving one last sigh, you dropped your head to the ground and walked foward slowly; not stopping until you were out into the living room. The door surprisingly hadn’t slammed shut behind you which meant that he was watching and praying that you wouldn’t go. That you would stop and cry and need him to comfort you. He hopes that you could see sense that without you, it would have meant he had lost everything he held dear. But to his dread, you didn’t stop. To his dread you kept walking foward until you got to the very front door. You didn’t even hesitate as you put your hand on the door handle, walked out into the cold hallway, and shut it quietly behind you. Waiting for him to run to you was agonising especially since you knew already that that was never going to happen but Hope buried deep inside you would want that to be real; for him to tell you that you were his everything and that you were more than his career. But he didn’t and you weren’t surprised.

“Y/n?” A familiar voice echoed in the hallway and you turned to see who it was, your heart stopped a little. Jackson gazed at you as worry stretched all over his face. After your conversation with Mark, Jackson was the first person who wanted to come see you. Jaebum was his best friend but so were you and seeing you in this state almost killed him. Half-heartedly you looked up at him; or at least you looked past him. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him in his eyes. If you did, Jackson would be able to see straight through you at all your pain and suffering. He took a step closer to you followed by another and another until he was but inches away from you. He could see how this whole drama had affected you. In a way, he could barely recognise the same girl that was standing before him. “How are you?” He knew the answer but to hear you speak to him would be an improvement from the isolation that you had put yourself through. Shrugging your shoulders Jackson lifted your chin to look at your red eyes and your tear stained cheeks. “Talk to me.” Talk to you. But what was there to say? That you were broken inside? That you and Jaebum were no more? That you were the reason that he wasn’t the Got7 leader anymore? That you were the reason why he was in pain like this? Jackson sighed and pulled you into a hug; his long arms wrapping around you like a cocoon and protecting you from everything. The one thing he expected you to do was to hug him back. But when you didn’t, it felt like all the love had been drained from you completely. As if all that was left of you was a corpse. A living, breathing, corpse. He pulled away from you and pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen behind your ear. Instantly you grabbed his arm to stop him which shocked him a little.It had reminded you through this small little action, of Jaebum and what he used to do. T made your heart ache for him and all you wanted was for it to stop. For all your pain and suffering to go away. “Don’t touch me like that.” You whispered barely audible but he heard it anyway and noticed how broken you sounded.

“S-sorry I-“ you dropped his hand and looked down at the dark hallway. You were almost out. Jaebum has told you to leave. No- he yelled at you to leave. And it was becoming harder and harder to control your tears from escaping down your cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s my fault. It’s my fault that he’s this way.” A frown stretched upon his face clearly confused at what you mean. Normally he could read you like a book but this form a vagueity was new to Jackson. In fact, surprisingly, he had no idea what you were talking about. I’m the mistake. “Jaebum and I aren’t together anymore.” You said quietly as your voice cracked and a tear finally escaped you. Jackson’s face softened and he could tell how much you were hurting. “I’m sorry I uh… have to go.” You turned to walk down the hallway but a hand grabbed your wrist stopping you from leaving.

“Please y/n. Tell me what’s going on. Where are you going?” Should you? Should you tell him? No. If Jaebum wanted it shared he would have told them. He would have told me instead of making me run around in circles trying to get him back to normal. But clearly trust was not something that ran with him or this group and as quickly as you could, you broke free from his grip, bolting towards the stairs. Jackson called your name as loud as he could to try and get you to turn around and come back to him. But instead you kept running. You ran down the fire escape and out into the lobby. You didn’t stop until you were out into the cold air. Stupidly you had forgotten to take a jacket so there you stood in nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. You were out. But now….

You were nothing.

Jackson slammed his fist on the door, shouting at Jaebum to open it. He had called you thirteen times with no answer. Mark and Jinyoung has tried also but once again it just went to voicemail. Either your phone had died, was with you but you were ignoring it or it lost somewhere and the chances of you losing it were well… unlikely. Jackson grew impatient as he slammed the on door harder and harder begging for Jaebum to let you in. After about 10 minutes, Jackson was greeted by another sullen face. A face that looked like Jaebum’s But somehow didn’t feel like Jaebum’s at all. Like you, he looked like a broken mess and it scared Jackson completely. He huffed loudly as Jaebum glared at him. It seemed like this was the only thing that was etched on his face. That and pure sadness. Jackson pushed him aside as entered the apartment hoping to see that he was in a better condition than you. But now. Everywhere around him, things were broken. Glass frames were shattered that contained pictures of you and him; ornaments and dishes had been smashed; chairs and tables had been tipped over. It was a mess. And Jaebum was in the centre of it all.

“She left. She fucking left.” Jackson knelt in front of Jaebum and saw exactly what he had seen in you. “I told her to and she did. I mean I didn’t think she actually would but… she’s gone.” Jackson surrounded him in a hug and tried his best to console his friend. Yet nothing seemed to shift inside of him.

“Jaebum. Tell me what the fuck is going on. I saw her outside and she looks…” he couldn’t even begin to describe you. Fear stroke through him as his phone vibrated to see Jinyoung’s number light up his screen. “Hello?”

“Jackson.” Jinyoung’s deep voice was quiet but stern and immediately something inside him told him that the news he was about to hear was not good.

“What’s up? Did you find her? Is she okay?” Silence creaped over the phone and Jackson couldn’t help but think of possible situations that you could be in.

“We’ve looked everywhere. We’ve gone to the beach, the park, her favourite cafés and shops… we even went to the studio to see if she could have gone there. Nobody has seen her.” Jackson closes his eyes as he tries to think of all the places you could have gone to but nothing special that hasn’t been searched for comes to his mind. He turns to Jaebum but he seems out of it still shell shocked that you left and didn’t come back. “What did she tell you exactly?” Jinyoung asked through the phone. Jackson’s fist clenched as he continued to look over at Jaebum. How could he just sit there? How could he not be out there looking for you? You could have been seriously hurt yet Jaebum did nothing.

“They aren’t together anymore.” Jackson echoed your words regrettably and Jaebum’s head dropped even further. He scrunched his face and his body started to shake as tears started to fall down his face. Everything he loved had been taken away from him. Everything. What would he do if something happened to you? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself. Jinyoung could hear his muffled cries through the phone and he kicked himself at them. He knew it wasn’t his place to have told you but in doing so, it would mean that Jaebum would be able to get his position in the group back. He would be able to become leader again. Yet for some reason, a part of him thought that perhaps that was not what he wanted.

“Keep looking for her. I don’t think we can pick up the pieces if something… happens.” He hesitates eyeing Jaebum up and down at his shrunken form. The line goes dead and Jackson sighs looking around the apartment and back to Jaebum. He had to snap him out of this. Suddenly, something catches his eye in the corner of his peripheral vision. On the table face up, the glass picture frame with a picture of Jaebum and you together at Jackson’s birthday party lay now broken and cracked further than it was the last time he came here to check up on Jaebum. He stared at it intently and gazed upon how happy you looked. How happy he looked. Before this whole escapade started. He remembered how Jaebum had given you a small locket to remind you of him should anything happen to both of you. He remembered how you seemed to fall hopelessly in love you seemed when he put it around your neck. And more when it got caught on yugeom’s jacket and broke. Jaebum followed his gaze and the small whimpers and body shakes stopped.

“They said she was distracting me from my work. That she wasn’t good enough. It was either break up or give up being leader. I had to choose and since I couldn’t-“ he chokes a little on his words as he thinks of all the possible scenarios that he could have chosen to handle the situation instead of running you down. Instead of driving you away. Instead of inflicting so much pain. “I couldn’t keep them both so I was selfish and I chose her. But I acting like a fucking dick and made life harder.” Jackson sighed and looked back at the picture. It doesn’t matter anymore. “Instead of dealing with it… I just shut her out.” Jackson put his hand on his shoulder for comfort and looked Jaebum in the eyes. “She’s gone Jackson. I lost her. I lost everything.” Suddenly a loud knock on the door rang out and Jackson’s head snapped up. He was hoping it was you. That you had come back to pull Jaebum out of his mood. But a part of him knew that it probably wasn’t. And he was right. He opened the door to Mark and yugeom. Their hair was messed up and their breaths had hitched up to panting.

“The other guys are still looking. They sent us here just in case she came back.” Jackson’s face froze as if what he had just said to him was the worst news ever. They looked around at the apartment that surrounded them. They could hardly tell if people actually lived here rather than it being a blitz. In the centre of it all, Jaebum doesn’t do anything. He just sits and stares into space. “Jaebum. Get up.” Mark’s voice wasn’t kind anymore but thunderous and aggrivated. Yet Jaebum didn’t listen. He didn’t want to listen. Instead all he wanted to was sit and stare at the disaster that he had made: Of himself and of you. “JAEBUM GET UP.” This time is snapped him out of his trance a little and the he looked up to face mark. Their eyes locked with each other and he could see in jaebum’s eyes the terror and exhaustion. He could tell from a mile away that he wasn’t himself. He never had been. Instead he had been moping around; shouting at everyone and blaming the world for his problems and for his carelessness. “You know I met with y/n the other day. We went to grab a drink to talk about how she was doing. And clearly you’re too blind to see the torture she’s in so let me fill you in: Whilst you’re pining and acting like a child, she’s the one who has to clean up after you. Do you know she doesn’t eat? She doesn’t sleep either. No instead she’s too worried about you losing your cool and going on a freaking rampage. She‘s killing herself. Or actually on second thoughts, YOU’RE killing her.” Jaebum stood up ready to attack Mark full on. To challenge his words and to tell him that he’s wrong or at least to stop talking about you like that. But instead, he started to weaken and panic. Was this really how things were? Did you really not eat? not sleep? Jaebum’s biggest fear was coming home to find you gone. After practice, he’d rush out like his tail was on fire and when you sat by the window sill staring into space, relief would swarm him. “She’s not even human looking anymore. More like a ghost. And we get it. You had to make a decision. Her or being a leader and to be honest if I was in your position, I’d pick her always but to make her suffer like that? The way you did? It’s pathetic. The real Jaebum- OUR Jaebum isn’t like that. SO WAKEUP.” Silence rang out as Mark had finished. It wasn’t usual of him to shout like that but it seemed like ever since JYPE had cut Jaebum from leader, reality didn’t exist anymore. Just a nightmare. But for the first time in a long time… Jaebum had snapped out of it.

Jaebum had woken up.

***

Jaebum blinked a few times, whilst taking in the mess that he had made. How could he have done this? Like everything around him, his relationship…. the one thing he truly cared about had been destroyed. And it left the boys wondering what exactly you were doing and where. A large shiver went ran down his spine. This whole scenario- you going missing, it didn’t sit right with him. Normally you would run off to a friends apartment or perhaps go to the old train station to watch the people go by; but you were nowhere to be seen. It was like as if you had never existed. His fear only enhanced when the rest of the boys came in to the apartment. If anything, Jinyoung had hoped that you would be sitting on the couch when he got back… but even that was empty and overturned. There was no sign of you.

Jaebum’s eyes started to water again. Perhaps he had lost you. For good. Perhaps you had left and he would never see you again. Perhaps-

Just as another dark thought came rushing through his mind, Jackson felt his phone vibrate. It made his heart stop for a second and he prayed it was you and not a police or ambulance number.

Thankfully, it was.

For two seconds, he had no idea what to do let alone what to say. If anything, he just stared at it. Jaebum looked over too and even he could feel his heart skip beat after beat. His eyes were filling with hope as if they were begging that you were okay and potentially coming back. Everyone in the messed up apartment had their eyes fixed on it as well. All that was left was the sound of Jackson’s phone and your caller ID. Before you could vanish again, Jackson answered and put his phone to his ear. You had a habit of knowing when you were on speaker even if everyone was dead quiet. It was better for everyone if he only heard what you had to say.

“Y/n.” He waited. Nothing. Did the call cut off?

“Jackson.” A bary audible croak echoed on the other side of the phone. Your voice sounded so broken. Like this was the first time you had spoken in years.

“You okay?” Jackson lowered his voice to match hers in hopes to hear a giggle or something from the other side of the phone. As soon as the question was asked, more silence rang out. That meant no.

“I - I’m sorry I made everything worse. This is my fault. Jaebum being like this… it’s my-“

“Stop. It’s not.” Jackson raised his voice back to normal. Like Jaebum, he had a horrid feeling in his stomach. One that wouldn’t go away. “None of this is your fault. You deserve none of this.” Jackson was trying so hard not to cry. What with Jaebum being a total mess and the other members so involved as it is, he had to be strong. But even that was proving difficult.

“Where are you. Please… y/n…. please tell me where you are. I’ll come get you and I promise this will all be fine.” Jaebum listened to Jackson’s pleas. It made him realise that his stupidity and ignorance not only had destroyed you, but the rest of the group too. It wasn’t your fault. It was his.

“I’m- I-“ you stuttered. You wanted to tell them. Soooo badly. You wanted Jaebum to come rescue you. You wanted to be together again and to be happy. But miracles and dreams, you found, didn’t always come true. You closed your eyes and felt the wind whip against your cheeks.

This is all you. You’re nothing but a mistake. A distraction. You were the cause of everybody’s suffering.

“Can you put me on speaker?” Jackson hesistated, but did so anyway. A tear fell down your cheek when they called out your name. Those boys… they were your world. But you were why they were hurting. So you had to go.

“Guys… I love you all so much. And I’m sorry I haven’t been strong enough lately to deal with all this on my own. I’m sorry I had to drag you down.”

“But you didn’t. And you don’t have to deal with this on your own.” Hearing bambam’s voice made you so happy. You couldn’t remember the last time you spoke to him.

“No… I’m supposed to make sure everything is okay. I’m supposed to support you but I didn’t.” Jaebum could hear your cries over the phone and it felt like a dagger to his heart. What did he do to you? How could he have been so cruel?”

“I - I - l-love y-you Guys s-s-so mmuch and I-“

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” As soon as Mark has said that, everyone had looked up after thinking the same thought. You were calling to say goodbye. “Answer me. Why are you saying goodbye.”

You sighed. You couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“I can’t do this anymore. I just want this to be over. Maybe this way I can stop hurting people-“

“No. No. No I know what you’re doing and I’m warning you now you’re aren’t doing that.” Jackson was yelling now. He needed to find you. “For fucks sake y/n tell me where you are.”

“I’m sorry.” Then the line went dead. Silence. Nobody moved a muscle. Nobody said anything. That was until, Jackson threw his phone across the room. This wasn’t fair.

“Jackson-“ Jaebum spoke for the first time since that phone call and right now, his voice only angered him.

“Don’t. You dare.” Instinctively, Jaebum bowed his head. This was a time when he kept his mouth shut. Mark stared out of the empty window. It was the only one that had been smashed. What intrigued him however was the crowd of people staring up at him. It was confusing because there really was nothing to see other than-

Finally it sunk in. He knew

Exactly where you were.

“JACKSON.” Mark yelling caught everyone off guard. So much, that Jackson lifted his head up and spotted the commotion below.

He knew too.

Jaebum looked out and opened his eyes wide.

The only place they didn’t look.

The rooftop.

Standing on the edge of the ledge wasn’t as scary as you thought. All you could feel was unbearable pain. It was like you were living in your own version of hell.

“I’m sorry.” You hung up the phone and pressed it tightly to your hand. This was not how you thought you were going to go out. Initially, you thought you’d be sitting next to Jaebum, children and grandchildren around you with your silver hair cascading way past your shoulders. You’d be happy. You’d be free. You’d be living the dream. Letting go of your phone, the clunk of it hitting the ground woke you up from your trance. The real world want like that. This was your exit. If you looked down, a commotion had started to form. Great just what I needed. But you had no other choice. It was either fall or continue living a life of disappointment day in and day out. Closing your eyes, you hovered one foot out and started to lean forward-

“STOP.” Your eyes opened wide as you recognised the voice behind you. You prayed it was just in your head… but turning around and you could see Jackson, Mark and Jaebum behind you.

No no no!

“Please don’t do this. We can work through this I promise just please… get down from the ledge.” Mark steeped toward slowly with pleading eyes. “You think this is the best way to solve anything!?” Once again you stayed still, with your left foot hover over the edge. One little lean. That’s all it takes.

“Please.” This time it was Jaebum who spoke. He edged forward as to not scare you. “Please don’t do this. I need you.”

Those words. You could give anything to hear those words everyday.

“No you don’t. You need got7. Not me.”

“YES I DO NEED YOU.” You wobbled as he shouted and as you do, he springs forward a little bit not enough to hold you. “Do you honestly think it won’t kill me? To leave me like this? How could you be so-“ he stopped. He was doing it. Again.

“Selfish?” You nodded in agreement. “ I guess I am. Because I can’t keep fighting a battle made for two on my own. Jaebum couldn’t stop his tears from falling. If you fell, he wouldn’t be able catch you in time.

“I love you so much.” You shivered in the cold air. “And I’m so sorry.”

And with that, You leaned back, and fell.

Dying was not like this. You know because you wouldn’t be able to see anything. But you could. You could feel. Hear. You know that this isn’t death.

As you open your eyes, you see that you aren’t on the ground below you… rather, you’re in someone’s arms. You lift your head up and recognise the soft brown hair of Jaebums.

No.

You can smell his usual cologne.

Impossible.

You can hear his irregular breathing.

I’m alive.

Jaebum moved his head to look at you and when he locked eyes with you, it felt like he had died and come back to life. You were there. You were okay. You were safe. He was faster that he thought he would be. Immediately he pulled you into another hug. As soon as he did, his body shook with tears; and that made your heart ache.

“Never do that to me again. I’m begging you please. I love you too much. I don’t care about being the leader. I’m still in got7. But you…”

Speechless. That’s what you are. You enevelopd Jaebum in a tighter hug as he continued to cry.

“I can’t live without you…”

You nodded. “I’m sorry. And I promise I won’t leave again. I promise:

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