#All the Pills I Tried Before
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Wellbutrin:
smooth as a rattlesnake swallowed backward,
whole and alive, chemical grains shaking a warning all the way down
my throat. I grew venomous, grew scales, & wanted
to skin myself to make boots.
— Rachel Wiley, from "All the Pills I Tried Before," Revenge Body
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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oh when the bachelor gets back to the capital or wherever he ends up now that thanatica is gone and cleans out that bag of his you KNOW the grit in the bottom is going to be capable of starting an entirely new epidemic
#even before that like he tries to dump it out on the desk and theres like. 20something assorted bullets. dirty bandages. a cracker.#however many letters crumpled to unreadability. a dozen assorted sharp objects he never got to trade to random street children.#one (1) flower. dented can of vegetables. bottle. bottle. bottle. bottle. bottle.#and then the very last he has to shake it and a fist sized pile of loose pills gunked together with unidentified blood from a broken vial#splodges out on top of all the rest#and he has to pay the cleaning fee for the hotel room#i just finished watching a playthrough of the route and this is all i can think about sorry#pathologic#danill dankovsky#original#side note how do people tend to refer to him it seems like every option i can think of is too formal or too familiar#like ive spent *mumbles* hours looking over this guys shoulder using his title seems a but much but also no WAY am i on first name terms#whatever. maybe ill make a separate post to ask people about that idk though
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i wish i was good at art so people would be interested in my ocs.
except that's a lie. i don't even really enjoy making art besides doodles. what i love is writing. so i think what i actually want is for everyone to fall in love with reading.
and like obviously i get it. im weird. i spent a large part of my youth reading wikis for games i never played, shows i never watched. i still do tbh. i have always loved seeking out superfluous information. bc it was *like* reading a story, except you only had the separate pieces and had to put them together like puzzle to get the whole story
it's a bit like history, now that i think about it.
and i LOVE finding somebody who has OCs with thousands of words of backstory. that's the fastest way to get me interested. a simple doodle and then a wiki entry of information.
idk. i guess im just venting a bit. it feels a bit unfair. every pro-OC post is geared towards artists. people who love to draw. but I just don't. i mean yeah i like making little doodles, but frankly it's about the same enjoyment i get from solving basic math equations.
and fucking obviously i love and treasure all my artist friends. if you are seeing this and you love to draw your OCs, I love you. I would never begrudge you your happiness.
it's times like these i wish forums hadn't really died out. i want a community. i want to make that connection. but i feel ignored bc my talents don't align with the current state of things in the greater community.
whatever. whatever. i just hate venting bc i worry about making people feel bad but sometimes I feel bad. and ive never been able to talk about feeling bad without getting yelled at. Which isn't healthy, of course, and I know that, and Im slowly trying to break the habit of just shoving it down. and Ive had a drink so im willing to be more open so uh. there, i guess. i feel like dogshit that i have neither the energy nor the inclination to draw my OCs and that it's literally fucking impossible to get your OCs noticed through writing. nothing really to be done about it. that's just how life goes. not all hobbies are meant for all people.
#titi talks#vent#all the time in my youth i would tell myself I'd just get good at drawing and then draw so-and-so idea#but it's been like a decade now. so frankly i think it's just not going to happen#like i said ive had a drink (and a strong one at that) so my ability to reason is slightly impaired#but ive mostly accepted it. ive swallowed down the bitter pill that nobody but me cares#and it's not like i haven't tried art! but it just takes so much goddamn energy to produce a result worth anything#my arts a bit shit. and that's fine! no shame in that#but it hurts a lot to post into a discord art channel#that has a RULE that you must acknowledge the previous poster's art before you may post your own#and STILL get fucking ignored. like they broke the rules to ignore you and everyone after agreed with it#or when you say 'this is the one thing I am proud of being able to draw'#and somebody you hold in high esteem goes#'hey do you wanna see me do that better and in a quarter of the time?'#AND AGAIN THIS IS NOT TO DISPARAGE THOSE WHOSE TALENT IS IN ART#YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND VALUABLE#i just wish *I* had some value#my talents earn me nothing. and it hurts.#and ive even stopped writing bc i don't have the energy often#and even if i did it's not like anybody gives half a shit
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i am genuinely having the worst day i've had in a very long time!!!
#on top of all the shit i have already complained about today: i was supposed to have an appointment with my doctor today#to refill my adhd meds and she never showed up and i have TWO (2) pills left before i have to resort to the meds that barely worked#i found someone on zoc doc who has an appointment for tomorrow afternoon but last time i tried to book thru zoc doc there were issues#so idk!!! i'm probably not going to get an appointment until next week. so that's fucking great!!!#i literally scheduled time off next week with the intention of focusing on my writing but fuck me i guess!!!#at least i have time off so i don't have to be a worthless piece of shit at work!!!!#i'm trying so hard not to have a full on sobbing breakdown at work lmao#m.txt
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I can’t tell if I’m just bad at finding Bedsheets That Don’t Pill, or if it’s just another case of Severe Decrease In Product Quality Due To Ongoing Plague And Labor Shortages, or if I’m just autistic and doomed to experience all bedsheet textures as Level 10 Pain
#sorenhoots#😞 the expensive bedsheets I bought a while back didn’t even make it to the first wash before pilling#due to circumstances I can say that the pain of the bad texture is literally worse than shingles!#it took me like 6 months to gather the energy to go bedsheet shopping last time so I’ll probably just keep suffering for months again 😓#I’m laying on my weighted blanket because it’s soft and stays in place but that means I don’t have my weighted blanket#I am trying a new strategy of wearing a onesie so none of my skin touches the sheet but#the occasional instances of my hands/feet briefly touching the texture is intensely horrible#I know it sounds dramatic to phrase it this way but like: it’s kinda like 😥 traumatic? if I am allowed to use that word in this instance?#the spike of panic and adrenaline I feel when I so much as *almost* touch the sheet is familiar to the panic I used to feel when avoiding#PTSD triggers or when I’d get a very distressing intrusive thought#I literally have nightmares about accidentally touching the sheets#and my entire behavior has shifted significantly to avoid the texture at any cost even at my own detriment#like when my shingles was hurting terribly but I curled up in a way that hurt it worse just to avoid the bedsheet texture#I don’t even know where to get better sheets. I tried Walmart and target but they only seem to carry their own brands now and they’re all#the same material and style and there’s no options#I thought about trying a more specialized store like a Kohl’s or idk something#but by the time I’m trying to think of where to buy new sheets I’m beyond overwhelmed and can’t even leave the house. much less#drive to a store and look for good sheets underneath fluorescent lights and loud music and the fucking Bible Belt Middle Aged Women staring#at my androgynous appearance like I’m Satan incarnate#ugh….. I need to go like. touch grass lol. watch a rolly polly meander across an acorn shell.
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I should have driven home myself
#father has informed me that everyone actually has to work 40 hours a week and i can't live off of 20#very cool thanks i didn't know this before#said he didn't understand what my problem was. told me to get therapy. as if i hadn't tried#told me to stop clacking my fisget cube#actually maybe i don't want to live maybe i want to die#'do you want to take pills for all your life?' idk man if they make me want to not kill myself MAYBE SO#i'm biting every single neurotypical person ever rn#he also helpfully reminded me that no one want to hire someone who will be unreliable due to mental health#so i guess i'll just be homeless and die then#i guess i should just try harder to be normal and healthy and work 40 stupid hours every week of my useless miserable life#cani get a lobotomy somewhere is the question#maybe then i could be fucking normal#just cut out the diseased lart of my brain and send me off to work ten hour shifts in the fucking salt mines#anyway. i'm a useless member of society and i deserve to die in the streets is what i'm hearing#thanks i wasn't thinking this myself already at all#vent
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when ww said "this is not my life, I'm no survivor, i only happened to survive"
#he gets it he really does.#hate when ppl call me resilient or are proud of me for surviving shit. girl i did not do anything to be here now. in fact quite the contrary#i am permanently in survival mode and I'm trying so hard to turn it off. but mostly in 1 direction and not the one most ppl hope#sigh. I'm tired man 😐 i just started new mood stabilizers and I'm anxious as fuck#(well. not new. i was on them before when i was a teen. can't remember why i stopped tho)#the whole trying new pills is depressing bc well. there's p much nothing left for me to try#i had a call with her this week. i mentioned it i think. but most of it was trying to figure out if there's meds i never tried out there#the only other one we considered to maybe replace my current antidepressant is very new to the market aka she doesn't know what it does yet#so. instead of replacing. adding stabilizers and hope they don't make things even worse (but lbr they probably will)#I'm very close to giving up yet again. idk what there even is to give up on anymore. my life is nothing with a side of void#but giving up is the only thing i know how to do. I'm too anxious to do anything else. i don't know how to do anything else#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh really wanna cut rn but i already have some wounds on my hands and arms + I'm in enough pain as is so what's the use#vent#i should sleep. idk if i can. I've been trying all day and failed. I'm so tired#i wish i didn't wake up man 😐 i wish i died. tonight#suicide //#not really but implied ig#self harm mention //#ask to tag
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my mom: *gets mad at my dog for exhibiting dog behaviors*
#still mad abour yesterday#dotty does really bad with fireworks and my mom gets so mad about her barking and its like...#we do this every fucking year...#she barks bc shes scared why are you getting mad#and shes yelled at her before which only makes it worse and she doesnt understand that#so last night while i was at work she tried to give her some calming pills and#1. dotty was already very upset#2. my mom probably yelled at her and made it worse#3. she tried to open her mouth by grabbing the top of her muzzle (most ppl know not to do that)#and dotty snarled at her like she was gonna bite her#so now my moms not interacting with her and says shes a bad dog and is mad at me too for defending her#like that doesnt make her a bad dog right???#like she hasnt done it any other time so it was purely situational and my mom was behaving wrong#i always tell her shes the adult human and the dog literally doesnt understand the same things#and she cant expect her to behave like she wants all the time bc shes literally a dog
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Effexor:
pretty petals plucked from poppies the color of a gentle blush,
we slept and slept and slept
without dreaming of anything at all.
Apathy is the new love.
— Rachel Wiley, from "All the Pills I Tried Before," Revenge Body
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guy who didn't take their stop getting panicked and freaking out at everything and having unbearable heart palpitations and being unable to sleep pill voice guess who's feeling panicked and won't stop freaking out at everything and is having unbearable heart palpitations and can't sleep!! el oh el!
#i was like it's fine i don't even need them. dude there is a reason you went to all that effort to get them...#IDIOT!!#i know i complain on here alllll the time (follow for more complaining!) but you have no idea the extent to which i get through the day by#just not thinking about it. or thinking about it for two minutes then forcing myself to just. move on to anything else.#if i let myself spiral (like i did february) all of the time i simply would stop taking part in my life#because it's unbearable if you think about it. so i don't. but the constant pointed Not Thinking About It is exhausting#and the constant enduring is exhausting the constant Taking What I Can Get is EXHAUSTING (hence. the february breakdown)#and now nothing is BETTER it's just. child psychology voice kill yourself or get over it. and so i got over it. but that's not LIVING.#and my parent's think i'm just fine now because i'm fucking on the pill or whatever and i'm trying anxiety meds etc etc#but fundamentally the truth is the same (i'm not built to be happy and i wasn't built for this life)#and i'm just back to the trying! the trying and trying and trying and swallowing pills and practicing tai chi and#opening the windows and eating oranges and sharing poems and appreciating the little things#i'm tired of appreciating little things. i want big things!#and no i won't kill myself. if you keep living there is some chance life will become worth living at some point however low#and if you die then that chance drops to zero. so fine. whatever. i'll get over it#but this isn't good. this isn't a good life! every day i have to wake up and remember there's nothing here for me!!!!#YES every day is a renewed chance that life will become good but how can i not be burdened from every day that came before that was just#nothing?#something has to change and I'VE tried changing i'm ALWAYS changing it's always ME#a new mindset a new coping mechanism and new positive mental attitude#but that doesn't fix that fundamentally life as it is for me is Not Worth It. ok. if i have to live the rest of my life trying to rewire my#brain so it feels whatever sense of hope it can from the Tiny Little Things that aren't completely miserable and desolate like a stranger's#kindness or a nice treat from a shop or a pretty skyline. if that's all i'll ever get?#what are we doing.#in conclusion: let's create life 2 where everything is so so beautiful for everyone
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Not to be deppressing again but it still hits me like a brick that I'm still alive sometimes
Idk how to mentally catch up with that reality after so many years of sucidal thoughts and tendencies
#Negative#miranda talking shit#Im in my mid 20s.... Genuinely thought id be dead before i turned 20 but im still here#Its shocking like... Yea cool im still here i guess but like all the things i havent done bc i didnt think id still be here#They have been pilling up and now im like haha... What now....#2016 was one of my worst years ever i tried to kms and intense self harm plus starving myself#And then i... Got out of that? Like i still dont.... Understand it like i know its a fact but its so unreal#My friends definitely saved me. I found a bigger group of online friends in 2017 and they saved me. If i was without them id probably not#Be here. And they dont know that like they think we are just silly friends and its like ... You guys literally kept me alive and going and#I cant ever fully repay that or explain that. Friendships are so important. I felt so alone at the time#I had lost contact with the three few close contacts i had with people and it was so hard#And then by chance i got thrown into a group of great people who i most still talk to today...#I know it was hard for them and me in the beginning bc i was so damaged and in bad shape but despite me like#Starting to cry in the middle of calls and went silent as we talked bc of it they never... Got tired of me or annoyed#I can remember like two times i got an annoyed remark about it but it was two who didnt know i was crying when i muted myself#Otherwise it was always like... Concern and patience... Like are you okay? Did we do something ? Do you need a break?#And mind you this was in a group of 4+ guys. I have bad experiences with guys/men but they all were patient with me and didnt grow tired#With me and its ... I dont think i can express it to any of them bc i wasnt super opem at the time with my problems#So it would be like dropping a bomb at them... But like genuinely... Having a group of friends to just play and talk with an have fun#It was so important to me and they have all helped me to grow as a person too. I mean im still sensetive af but being around them has#Helped me not take things as personal and get a thicker skin. And overall just trusting people but men especially...#The fact i met them all by chance and bc of overwatch... Like say what you want about the game but for me it'll be a fond memories#Bc of how that got me in contact with such amazing people at such a bad time in my life. Downright my woorst period
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The only reason I understand anything happening wrt Twitter right now is because I just watched Succession and thank goodness because it is EXTRA funny.
#like i watched the poison pill episode the night before twitter tried to pull something similar#and then this whole stock-financed loan thing is exactly what kendall had to deal with as interim ceo#and its just very timely and funny because three weeks ago i would have NO idea what any of this means#but now i know that it's all VERY FUNNY#isaac watches succession
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It is 3:35 am and I work at 9 🙂 Insomnia is going to kill me indirectly or directly. I can’t live like this.
#me. crying in bed because I can’t fucking sleep at all anymore#I tried having a healthy snack but it can’t be hunger because I ate food tonight#this is stupid and I wanna die#personal#sleeping pill cocktails#< wish they fucking did anything except make me barely remember the night before in the morning
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Whats your kink?
Charles x fem!reader
From this request
Summary: You've been trying to find Charles' kinks for a long time But you didn't learn this until you started taking birth control pills.
A/n: again, i don't know what i wrote,i'm too tired to read and edit it sorry...
WARNINGS: Google translated French,breeding, Quick finish,not edited writing, fully smut, unprotected sex (God, please use protection my friends.)
You always thought Charles had some weird kink and you'd find it The reason for taking this as a mission was that it started like this: One New Year's Eve, while you were playing a game with your friends, someone asked Charles this question, and he stared at you for a few seconds and then answered no. Since that day you've been trying to bring this up without letting him know.
Of course, finding this was harder than you expected because you were at the very beginning of your relationship when it happened, and now you had been dating for almost 2 years.You tried everything you thought would excite him, but they couldn't. Until one day you came home from the doctor's check-up and said that you started taking birth control pills.
You could have sworn you saw a twinkle in Charles' eyes at that moment, even if only for a brief moment.Of course, nothing happened for a while until you started using the pill regularly and one night the lust for both of you became unbearable.
Charles had returned from a meeting in Italy and you were waiting for him at home. The moment he got home, he left his backpack at the door and pulled you towards him and pressed you to his lips, kissing you passionately. Before you knew it, you were entering your bedroom, half-naked in Charles' arms.Charles kissed your entire body, licking and biting the sensitive spots he knew would turn you on, you were burning underneath him.
When he put his hand into the bedside drawer, he frowned and got up, cursing. You looked at Charles, out of breath "what's wrong?"Charles rummaged through the drawer for a while and looked at you with disappointment and sat down next to you. "I'm sorry my love, there is no condom, I must have forgotten that, I'm sorry"
You rose up on your arms, looked at him and spoke hesitantly. "I'm on pills you know that-" Charles bit his lower lip, examined your face, then shook his head no "There is no guarantee and it will leave you in doubt, I can't do this" you put your hand on his shoulder and climbed onto his lap, "but I can do it. Please Charles, I miss you so much." While you leave little pecks on Charles' lips and neck he moaned softly and his hands came up to your waist.
You whispered "please" against his lips as he slowly pulled you away from him He laid you back down on the bed and returned to his previous position, stroking your hair. “I have to do whatever my sweet thing wants.” While his words made you smile, Charles' hand slipped into your underwear, causing you to moan. "Look at this, is this all for me Y/N hm tell me. Do I make you this wet every time I touch you?" You moaned and closed your eyes as Charles's two fingers entered you. When one of your hands reflexively tried to hold Charles' arm, Charles pinned your hands to the bed with his free hand.
He fingered you, giving you brutal pleasure as you writhed and moaned underneath him. Just as you were about to reach climax, Charles pulled his hand away, you made a sound between a moan and a whimper and opened your eyes. While he took off his trousers and underwear with one hand, he sucked the fingers of his other hand that gave you pleasure "What a gorgeous girl you are hm. You will cum on my cock, beauty, you heard? I will make you cum on my raw cock. Look how excited you are.Do you want my cock beauty? "
You moaned and moved your hips towards Charles.Charles rubbed his dick with one hand and pressed your hips to the bed with his other hand "behave" You whined when he growled "Fuck, don't you have those tits, you're destroying me, especially when those tight dresses squeeze them, my god i want to fuck them some time" He pinched your nipple with two fingers, making you moan, He came closer and licked and sucked and bit your tits ""Cha-ah!" You made a sound that was a mix of moaning and screaming, and he put one hand over your mouth.
"shhh be quiet beauty, we wouldn't want the neighbors to hear what a loud slut you are, would we?" As your eyes filled with tears of pleasure, you nodded your approval. Charles took his hand from your mouth, connected his lips with yours and kissed you passionately. "Let me love you baby" While kissing your neck, he started to slide his length into your wetness.
"oh fuck Charles...o- oh my god" When Charles was completely inside you, he paused and looked into your eyes, "fuck sweetie, this is heaven." Charles slowly started to move inside you. Feeling each other completely for the first time was very different for both of you, you felt like you were going to die.
As Charles' movements speed up, you felt yourself getting closer to climax and dug your nails into his back. "My fuckkk please omg! Charles I'm gonna-" Charles moaned as he squeezed your breast with his free hand "cum baby, cum on my cock" While your back was arched , you held on to Charles's arm, which held your chest. While your body was shaking, you closed your eyes and moaned.Charles' movements became sharper and harder as you cum.
"Fuck baby, I'm gonna cum, fuck, I'm gonna fill you up hmmhhh. Putain, tu es si sexy, je vais remplir ta taille de mes bébés. Let me fucking breed you" (Fuck, you're so hot, I'll fill your belly with my babies) You just moaned what Charles said, you were out of breath, after a few seconds he started to cum inside you, He came deep down to the last drop.Then hugged you tiredly without putting all his weight on you he gave you a kiss on your cheek, came out and lay down next to you.
You started laughing as you stared at the ceiling, out of breath. Charles frowned and looked at you “what's the matter?” You turned sideways and placed a kiss on Charles' arm. "Breeding kink. Really? I would never have guessed.I've been trying for a year in vain " Charles rubbed his face with his hand and looked into your eyes again. "Have you been doing those weird sex things for a year to find my kink? God baby.." he chuckled, you rotated your hips and placed one of your legs over Charles's. Both of your pleasure juices were still flowing out of you. Charles groaned at the sight and closed his eyes.
"Omg you really have a breedink kink" Charles put his finger to your lips "shut up, god" you giggled your head on his shoulder "and my tits? seriously?" This time Charles took his arm off you and tried to turn around, and you laughed. "Come on Charles I'm just kidding...I actually liked it really" Charles turned and hugged me "hey Charlie, stop looking at my ass please" Charles laughed at your words, inhaled your scent and pulled back from the hug and played with your hair, "I'm sorry, it was just so beautiful." You put a small peck on his lips and smiled "i know baby thank you for that" You leaned your head on his chest again and started to doze off while he caressed your hair and kissed your head.
#violetszone#f1 imagine#f1 blurb#f1 smut#f1 fluff#charles leclerc angst#charles leclerc fluff#charles leclerc smut#violetszonerequest#charles leclerc fanfic#charles leclerc f1#charles leclerc imagine#charles leclerc#f1 one shot#f1 fandom#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#charles leclerc one shot#charles leclerc blurb#f1 x reader#charles leclerc x reader smut#charles leclerc x female reader#f1 x female reader#f1 imagines#f1 charles leclerc#formula one x reader#formula one smut#formula one blurbs#formula one oneshot
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Diehard
Pairing: dbf!Joel x Reader
Summary: Joel tries Viagra for the very first time.
Warnings: 18+. Unprotected p-in-v. Erectile dysfunction. Daddy kink. Praise kink if you squint. Overstimulation. Cumplay. She/her pussy pronouns. Pushing physical limits with a pre-negotiated safe word in place for it.
Note: No more limp dick erasure. We die like [old] men.
Part of the Waiting Game ‘verse | Word count: 986
Joel just wanted to prove he could fuck like he used to.
He didn’t think he’d almost kill you in the process.
“JOEL!” you screeched, heels digging deep in the mattress as your climax came in seismic waves.
The stimulation was insane. Normally the much-older man would have been down for the count after two—and usually one—big O, but now his chest was heaving, hips relentlessly beating a punishing pace against your own.
Your walls were slick with not only your cum but his, milky ropes of his arousal making for an obscene set of sounds every time his dick slid in and out of your cunt. You could feel his balls tighten and twitch with every forthcoming spurt of him, practically reeling with the pulse of each new sticky gift inside you. His groans rumbled low, but the power and pleasure and outright primal fervor they conveyed were unmistakeable. You had to look down, feebly, to believe it yourself—Joel never fucked his way through your orgasm and his.
Then you felt a palm slide up the back of your head, and Joel held it up to make sure you watched him fuck you.
“J-Joel,” you whimpered, watching his girth disappear and reappear at least a half-dozen times as you did.
“Just a little more, honey,” he murmured against your forehead. The smack of each thrust was dizzying, “Want my pretty girl nice and full’a me before she leaves, okay?”
Joel never could let you head back to college without a few of his loads and a head full of filthy memories—something to hold you over until your next visit home. You would’ve liked to mumble back, ‘Okay,’ but then your pussy clenched around him, and his thrusts grew faster.
“My sweet girl,” he grinned, “She likes that, huh?”
You could scarcely manage a nod. The weight of your head was held fully by him, and if that wasn’t indicative enough of your fucked-out state, your face surely said the rest. When Joel leaned back to adjust the angle of his thrusts, he caught sight of your hooded, glossy stare and almost came all over again. He slowed his pace for once.
Then he dipped a finger between your body and his, just long enough to douse the tip of his digit with cum. He bottomed out inside you, watched you part your lips in a gentle gasp, and pressed his touch to that open space.
It was almost like you didn’t have the strength to suck. You just let him smear the sticky stuff along your lower lip, gaze plastered to his. Then Joel’s cock sank deeper.
“O-ow!” you whined, partly reanimated by the stretch.
“You can take it,” Joel grunted.
The double entendre wasn’t lost on you. You could, and would, take his finger and his cock inside. You suckled dumbly on the cum-drenched fingertip in assent.
But when Joel’s finger popped out of your mouth and his thrusts picked back up, you weren’t entirely convinced you would be able to hold up the second half of that deal.
It wasn’t fair. He took one magic pill, and poof, his dick stayed hard for half the fucking day. You had nothing but your youth and two shaking legs to ensure your survival. When Joel worked his cock back and forth a couple more times and it seemed your body was about ready to scream, you took hold of his biceps and squeezed tight.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
The tip of his cock nicked a soft ridge inside you, and you jolted back. Joel’s palm was still pressed to your head, holding you to him, and his hips had you pinned as well.
Instead of answering, you whimpered.
You didn’t want him to stop, but you also weren’t sure if you could handle any more. Your eyes met his, pleading.
“Can’t what?” Joel pressed, a little more sternly.
Another whimper. Inside, Joel’s cock was rubbing that pleasure point raw, and you felt another climax coming.
“Use your words.”
“Too— too—”
Each new thrust was sending stars before your eyes. Joel was one sick man if he tried to make you talk while he fucked you past the point of all intelligible speech.
“Too what? Tell me, baby.”
You’d get that fucker back someday. Joel just grinned.
“Too much,” you hissed when his hips delivered another mind-numbing push. Then, feeling pleasure threaten to peak at almost a painful degree, “Toomuchtoomucht—”
Joel continued thrusting, knowing damn well you knew what to say if you really wanted him to stop. As if to underscore this point, he tipped your head back and made you hold his gaze, features creased with a frown.
“That sure don’t sound like the safe word to me.”
It wasn’t. You knew it wasn’t. He didn’t need to tell you twice, or even breathe a second word besides. With one more brush of Joel’s thick, throbbing, implausibly hard cock, he sent you over the edge and into your fourth orgasm of the morning, hitting that spot again and again.
And again.
And again.
Just like before, Joel fucked you through each wave, catching your lips this time to stifle your cries. You might’ve gone blind for a second or two, but that was alright; the pleasure, proximity, and then the sweet, erratic pulse of his cock sending rope after rope of his cum deep inside made the overstimulation worthwhile.
Your body went limp against the bed, held tight in Joel’s grasp, when you felt that sickly sweet dichotomy of soft, tender touches and a cock lodged between your walls that was as hard as it had ever been. Still trying to console you with kisses, still trying to warm you up for another round, perhaps, Joel almost laughed out loud in your mouth when you groaned into his and whispered:
“Please don’t ever take that fucking pill again.”
#SOMETIMES I WRITE THIS MIDDLE-AGED MAN LIKE HE’S 25 AND JUST NEED TO SHUT THE F*CK UP#*brittany broski voice* BE REALISTIC!!!!!!!#BE F*CKING FOR REAL#FOR A SECOND BE FOR REAL#joel miller#joel miller tlou#joel miller smut#joel miller imagine#joel miller one shot#joel miller x reader#joel miller fanfiction#the last of us#tlou#the last of us fic#joel miller x you#dbf!joel miller#dbf!joel
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